The Secret Life of Man-Haters
Check back for updates.
When a Borderline Cuts you out of Their Life
Can a Borderline Sustain a Relationship?
Welcome to the Darkside
Is the Histrionic a Pathalogical Liar?
The Fear of Intimacy
Should Fucked Up People be in a Relationship?
Playing the Victim
Damsel in Distress
You Drive Me Crazy
When Fools Rush In
Betrayed by a Borderline
The Fear of Being Revealed
An Unholy Union
Feminist vs Feminist
Profile of a Man Hater
The World is Out to Get Stephanie Hallett
When Borderlines Cut You Out (Revisited)
The Pot Calling the Kettle Crazy
A Year Ago from Now
We Are Not Alone
The Glamorous Life
The Douchebag and the Princess
BPD and the Fear of Intimacy
Please Don’t Leave Me
A Progressive Abuser
Sady Doyle Tells the Mentally Ill What They Want to Hear
The Unfaithful Borderline
An Open Letter to Sebastian
Mina Jade Angry. Mina Jade Smash.
Wow, I’m reading your posts like you are talking about my life. Except I have to switch the genders because it is my husband who is BP. I’m just trying to figure out how to live with the awful effects, depression and anguish and still stay healthy enough to be a support to our young sons, ages 16 months and 3. I’m going to keep reading because I need to save myself but the growing hopelessness is such a burden.
BPD is not gender-specific. Most of the posts are infused with my own experience so it talks mostly about borderline women. But you are proof that BPD experiences transcend gender. It is not surprising that women can relate as well.
Heather, read, read and read more then seek a competent therapist that understand cluster B personality disorders. You have no future with him, I am sad to say. I have been through hell and emerged through therapy and through this website, Thank you again SD for this website. Come often Heather and save your self.
Thank you so much for your website, it has helped me much. I have a 3yr old with a borderline ex girlfriend. She would always say to me “I was never officially diagnosed” until she went off the deep end again and was committed to New York Presbyterian hosp, the borderline unit, and she got her dx. There is a reason why ” unstable, inter personal relationships is one of the criteria. It is so easy to hate them, the abuse, belittling, playing the victim, never ending drama, the push-pull , I hate u-don’t leave me bullshit. And worst of all, the more compassion u show a bpd, the more they abuse and use u.
Glad it helped, Charles.
“I was never officially diagnosed” is a great quote. I’ve heard it uttered here a few times. As if these people need to be diagnosed to know something is not right. It really encapsulates the level of denial that goes on in a borderline’s head. Sadly, most wait until they are admitted into a hospital before they see the light.
Partners of BPs are sometimes the most qualified to diagnose a borderline because of their intimate knowledge of, not only the borderline in question, but also borderlines in their past. They know exactly what to look for because they’ve been through the wringer so many times.
Even someone with a medical degree can miss these signs and diagnose the borderline with depression or bipolar.
Outsiders rarely get to see what we see. That is our “privilege”. They see the illusion. We see the real deal. That is why it so easy for them to convince others that we’re the crazy ones. Very convenient for the borderline in hiding.
Thank you for sharing and highlighting the abusive behavior found in BPD relationships. Best wishes.
I attributed the behavior of a younger man that I got involved with to dysthymia / depression. But I was split black two days ago, needing answers I pulled out my DSM IV he is BPD. Everything makes sense now that I can look at everything collectively. I know he will never contact me again the shift from idealization to devaluation was quick. I can track the demise of the relationship from the first time we were intimate. However, the end was apocalyptic. He knew I was pulling away so he struck the final blow. I am relieved but also I’m sad because now I realize that the feelings he spewed out probably were not real. He is a sinking ship I could feeling it submerging every time I was with him. Bpd’s are addictive at first, but walking on egg shells around them is exhausting. I regret the affair, but the end could have been so much worse. I need to figure out what’s missing in my life, having an affair with a younger guy and ignoring ALL the warning signs means something is missing in me.
I went through the same exact thought process.
My ex was younger as well. But youth was the least of her problems. She had actually “mellowed” out in her 20s. But she is no where near being out of the darkness. She is just really good at covering up her disease. Too good.
There is something missing in all of us. We ignored the signs because the borderline gave us something we did not have as children.
Flopsy, study the attachment theory with same sex parent. It likely is the answer you are looking for.
Hello savorydish, thank you for responding to my comment. You’re so right about the childhood comment. We started out as friends, he is super smart and funny. But I could see the mental illness, the inconsistency, I witnessed how he would suddenly end friendships because somebody didn’t follow through. Nothing was his fault… I could go forever but I won’t. The more I research BPD the easier it is to deal with the abrupt ending. Relief is surpassing the hurt.
Well I must say, you seem to be dealing with it very well. Thanks for sharing your story. It helps all of us confirm what is real.
My ex accepted blame the first time I caught her cheating. But by the second time, the shame was too much. By then, she was in blame mode.
She became an entirely different person. Completely selfish and ruthless. I saw hints of this side from time to time (inconsistency). But it wasn’t until the very end, that I saw that this was her true self.
I still believe there were moments where she cared about me. I still believe she has a loving side. But I now know that side is limited and shallow like a child (arrested development).
Borderlines shouldn’t be confused with psychopaths. Like all humans they have a darkside and good side. But the difference between one and the other is much more pronounced in a borderline. Until my ex seeks help, her darkside will always be there bubbling behind her facade.
It would be easy to hate them if they were just pure evil. But they’re not. They have a tender side that begs you stay and help them. But this is their siren song. Eventually, you will crash against the rocks.
An abrupt ending is a sign that you are dealing with an emotionally unstable personality. If they turn on you for no reason, you are dealing with a person who will avoid pain at all costs. Even if that means leaving you in pain. For a BP, it’s all about survival.
Michael, what an excellent post, thanks so much for the story. In addition to her compensating for her pain she was likely setting up the scenario to leave and go black on you. I agree, get the fuck out, no future with a BPD. I have met a marvelous woman that was married to a a man that suffered from anti-social personal disorder, the brother to BPD. She suffered for 20+ years and we are both now free. Get out and heal. These people will ruin you and steal your sanity.
He does have a tender side, and has shown remorse regarding his behavior to others. Reading the comments on this site reinforces my belief that I’m lucky to have been released from that roller coaster sooner rather than later. He is a mean girl I just hope he doesn’t try to get back at me. But I think it is a complete break. What do you think? I’m sorry for what your ex put you through, I sense pain still in your comments.
Thank you. The pain has mostly subsided, but it will always be an unpleasant memory. Writing about it has given me some distance and perspective. It helps to know I wasn’t imagining it all. It’s hard to say if you will ever see your ex again. I think once they find a replacement, you are no longer useful. My relationship was more of a sudden drop, than a roller coaster. My ex cut off all communications, because she simply could not stand the truth. I was foolish to think that if I shared what I knew with her, she would magically wake up and thank me. But she interpreted that as a very personal attack. If you wanna get rid of a borderline, show them their reflection.
Hi savory dish, I haven’t discussed this affair with anyone. It is helping to talk about it. I am level headed person I am disappointed that wasted 9 months on this guy. It is an addiction, he was unconventional it seemed like. But really it was childish need for attention, pathetic really. Several times I confronted him on his behaviors the usual response would be to cease contact for 2-4 days. I hope he has found a replacement another BPD worse than him.
Most likely he has found an enabler who
will entertain his need for attention. Someone who won’t question his dysfunctional ways. BPs use the silent treatment to punish lovers who don’t comply. It’s an asshole move.
Ps- talking about it always helps. The worst thing you can do is stay silent.
Hello Savory Dish,
Thank you for your insight. It is interesting that most of the comments are about female BPD’s. There is less research in regards to males. This guy is screwed if he doesn’t get treatment. Father committed suicide and his mother is a schizophrenic just recently diagnosed. He has abandonment issues related to dad, he was physically abused has a child. I am selfish with my time, this was a problem especially when I would refuse to see him. The more I realized he had serious emotional, psychological and behavioral problems the less I wanted to be around him. I love him, but I know I was going to end it. He reacted first.
About 2/3 of BPs are women, but this has little to do with gender. As you noted, this has to do with trauma. Men are susceptible to trauma as well.
My ex use to demand more time from me too. Because I’ve had dysfunctional women betray me in the past, I chose to resist her demanding ways. She would react by punishing me in some way. Like you, that only made me more resistant and her, more insecure. She wanted 100% devotion, but she gave me no reason to trust her.
It was only after exhaustive research that I realized my reactions were normal and her reactions were abusive. She grew up in a family where loved ones punished each other and enjoyed it. She comes from a very sick family. But they choose to ignore it. And yet, somehow, she was able to blame me for ruining her life.
Abusive parents pass on their “gift” to their children. Until someone has the guts to say “enough is enough”. the abusive cycle will go on for generations.
I agree abuse s cyclical unless broken. I’m glad you resisted some of your ex’s demands. He would engage in pushing himself on me and pulling away. I started to get wise to it and confront the behavior. You know how he responded to that, silent punishment. But I became wise to that tactic, though painful I didn’t break the silence. Did your ex react to minor occurrences with excessive anger/ temper tantrum? It is both fascinating and scarey to witness the reactive response to what is actually nothing. I don’t think it helped when I would imitate the behaviors in response. BPD is fascinating, painful and devastating for those afflicted and those not .
Excessive anger? Oh, yes. Most of the time she kept it bottled up inside, but that only made her outbursts even more intense and shocking.
It’s important for partners of BPs to know that anger was there long before the relationship began. It’s not your fault that they are screwed up. Don’t let them convince you it is.
A BP who has been abused their whole life, has a surplus of anger. By the time they are adults, they become a powder keg of anger. Just the slightest word can set them off. Walking on eggshells is not a solution. You are only encouraging the borderline. Whether or not they can control that behavior or not is not your problem. That is 100% abusive behavior. Do not tolerate it.
The best thing you can do for the BP is walk away and tell them to seek help. Compromising your well-being will not help either of you.
IOW, YOU can say “enough is enough”. Let the cycle of abuse continue without you. I don’t care if they were sexually molested or raped, you are not obligated to be their punching bag. This is the most important lesson I have learned. You are responsible for your own well-being. Leave the care-taking to the professionals.
When you stick around, you are basically rewarding their abusive behavior. You are telling them it is ok for someone to treat you like shit. This person has zero chance of recovery because there is no motivation to get better. If they receive your love unconditionally, what’s the motivation to seek help?
My ex just keeps replacing the broken cog. She goes from one victim to another. No concern. She just moves from one city to another and wipes the slate clean. Without accountability, there is no recovery.
P.S. I would imitate the temper tantrums in a mocking way.
Oh gosh! They’re like clones in different bodies… The behaviors are like a record that is stuck. So dangerous and maddening. The turning point for me was when he compared me to his ex. So inappropriate and indicative of his mental state. I started questioning his motivation for the relationship, the chase the seduction. But more significantly the change in behaviors after we were intimate. The sex was good at first but towards the end he tried to use it to control, but I didn’t fall for it. I know he has a lot of enablers. BPD’s are a nightmare, they’re so convincing when they talk about how much they love and need you. Sad at the same time.
Yes. In a way, they are clones. When you don’t know about BPD, the behavior seems erratic and unpredictable. But once you learn to pick up the signs, the behavior seems almost scripted. Even when you confront them, they can’t help but act according to script. Their untreated trauma is in the driver seat. They are conditioned (by years and years of abuse) to hit and run. That is their M.O.. That is why chaos follows them wherever they go. You can not run away from the past.
Sex as a tool for manipulation is a familiar script. Even when the sex was good, it was void of emotion. It was like having sex with a robot. This was more a product of sexual abuse as a child. She had the technique down, but she was just going through the motions. She was just not able to achieve that level of depth when it came to intimacy. It was all an act.
My ex rushed to get married in hopes of proving me wrong. But her marriage is a hoax. I know that because I know her. I know her disease. Her husband is a clueless enabler. But (by now) he is probably wondering what he’s gotten himself into. BPs with histrionic tendencies are very good at putting on a show, but behind the scenes it is unbelievably messy.
Her relationships are a reflection of her inner turmoil.
Sex was a key indicator of overwhelming control issues. You’re right about me not knowing BPD, but I am learning more. There was a lack of empathy for anyone, he was the victim, misunderstood, grandiosity, irritability, somatic complaints, depression the list is endless. Realizing the absence of sincerity and reciprocity of emotion is the hardest thing to deal with.
I can’t say there was a complete lack of emotion because there were times when she was very emotional, too emotional. The lack of emotion was present in the beginning (getting to know you) and the end (detachment). But somewhere in the middle there was a flood of emotions ranging from smothering love to sharp bursts of anger and then to complete withdrawal.
It’s hard for her to trust people. But once she does trust you, she dives right in. But if I did not return a commensurate amount of affection, she would find an evil way of punishing me. But you’re right about the lack of sincerity. Even when she was affectionate, it seemed fake and out of place. It felt forced. It felt like she was over-compensating for something. It seemed like she was fishing for something. It felt manipulative. Like an act. It didn’t feel genuine.
Reciprocity is another matter. At times, it seemed like the more nice things I did for her (cooking her dinner, washing her dished, cleaning her apartment, driving her places, taking her to dinner), the more she took it for granted. She would occasionally do nice things for me. In the beginning, she used to cook me breakfast, but she gave that up pretty quickly. Every nice thing she did for me was fleeting. It was as if she did nice things to lure me in and then stopped doing nice things for me when she realized I was hooked.
Even worse, being nice to her actually made her treat me worse (fear of intimacy). She was just not use to be treated so kindly. So when she later accused me of not being there for her, it was like a smack across the face. Towards the end, she and her family dismissed all the nice things I had done for her. She even accused me of having ulterior motives. She made all sorts of bizarre accusations (imagined victimization). That really hurt the most. I now regret having done all those nice things for her. I really do. She doesn’t deserve kindness.
To be fair, there were moments where I withdrew. When she got her first job offer, I found it hard to be as excited as she was. I was happy for her, but I was just unable to show it at the time. I felt like an asshole. But looking back, I see that I was protecting myself. I was keeping my distance. Something was not right about this woman. By this time, she had already hurt me in unimaginable ways. I forgave her, but it was never the same. I could never love or trust that woman. And this is when the relationship started taking a downward turn.
There is nothing I’d like more than to depict my ex as a heartless bitch, but the reality was much more complicated and confusing. She was the greatest love of my life and my worst. It is this duality that tortures partners of BPs. The reason I stayed as long as I did was because I was always trying to figure out who she really was. I clung onto the good memories and discarded the bad ones. I tolerated her abuse, because I thought we could move pass it. Looking back on it now, I know that was foolish of me to think.
I agree regarding some genuineness of emotion. It would fluctuate in is extremes also. The sudden anger and irritability was astounding. Initially he was thoughtful and generous, attentive. However, like you once he believed I was hooked the effort diminished. I became more thoughtful but it was never enough. Constantly criticizing, a strong sense of entitlement. I started also to sense that something wasn’t safe or genuine and I started to withdraw. He would ask me to come over at certain time and then 10 minutes prior change the plans. Then would rage if I didn’t comply, ” I wasn’t there for him.” Too many mind games, I miss the fun but not the pain/drama. It became cloying, the highs and lows wore on my nerves.
P.s. I understand about the duality of feelings. I feel duped and a little ashamed that I believed his protestations of love and commitment. I guess that’s the clincher, it’s hard to seperate the sincerity of my emotions from the lack of his. Though I believe at times he believed what he felt. I don’t know honestly, I saw good things in him and huge potential. This why I stayed longer than I should, I’m an optimist. Thank you again for taking the time to share both your experiences and input.
Thank you for the same.
Hello SD, just wanted to share this. Not only did he split me black he also split a 12 year old he was mentoring. He was one week from the one year anniversary of the match. This was so devastating to the child that he’s now in therapy.
People need to know that this is abusive behavior. Don’t let anyone tell you to just get over it. This is a traumatic event. Ask any BPD specialist and they will tell you the same.
It is abusive. I never met any of his family or friends (by choice). Without breaking my no contact rule. How can I let him know he is abusive? We share no mutual friends etc. The effect on this young man is devastating. He already had trust and abandonment issues related to his bio- father. This guy knew this, why did he have to deal such a blow? Bastard…
That is why this blog exists. We can not let these people get away with murder. They leave no physical evidence of their abusive behavior, but it is abusive just the same. An emotional black-eye will linger long after a physical one has healed. That is why that kid is in therapy.
That’s why it makes me mad when people say they know not what they do. They use the disease as an excuse. We can not let them get away with that.
SD, you’re so right about the trauma inflicted being invisible to the eyes. How long did it take you to stop thinking about your BPD on a daily basis? I’m finding it easier to stop re-playing events. This blog helps a lot. Honestly, I feel like I’ve been pillaged emotionally and psychologically.
It took a good part of a year to stop yearning for her. I still think of her as is evident in my posts, but I no longer desire to be with her. And that is key.
You will never forget your encounter with a borderline. No matter how brief. It is like being visited by an alien or hit by a hurricane. They hit you with such force and leave in such an abrupt manner, it shocks the system.
Replaying the events is fine if it helps you desensitize yourself and gain insight. Just make sure you are not beating yourself up. Replaying the events can help you avoid repeating past mistakes. Don’t forget the events. Just re-frame them. Make sense?
Gradually replace these bad mental scenes with positive ones. Envision yourself in a happy and stable relationship. For some, this involves meditation and prayer. I prefer to call it visualization. Pro athletes use it to program their muscles. You can use it to create healthier relationships.
We are all creatures of habit. If we find ourselves in a rut, it’s because we have been conditioned to put ourselves there. We must unlearn bad habits and replace them with healthier ones. This requires us to be mindful of our thoughts and behaviors. Changing is never easy, but it can happen with persistent effort and a little honesty. It takes practice.
Not thinking about them is not as important as how you think about them. Through writing and reading about BPD, I have been able to see the world, borderlines and my life more clearly. No more rose-colored glasses. No more delusions. That is the key to our own recovery.
Thank you the way I think today is different from a week ago. I’ve learnt more about the disorder and the behaviors. They are chameleons in a sense, they adapt their approach to each new conquest. You pointed this out before about getting you ‘hooked.’ The yearning is there but it’s not so intense. I am an objective person for the most part, I subdue my emotional side to make sense of the devastation/chaos that has been wreaked. Again, to repeat what you said on earlier posts they are brilliant at identifying our weaknesses. Which leads back to what was missing in our childhood. The abundance of attention, overvaluing etc. This sucks you in, but the splitting is like a freight train, obliteration.
SD… I am now feeling the force of a BPD. This bastard is trying to destroy my career! He managed to hack into my work email, create an identity on a website that is my coworkers and then send vile emails! Why? He split black… He’s a mean girl focused on vengeance. The no contact rule is in force I was tempted but I can’t he is so mentally I’ll I can’t deal with it. That was always a firm boundary …my career…don’t f&$k with it. I had a session with the kid he abused today… Abusing bastard… Projection, devaluation al of that….
I’m sorry he’s putting you through this.
He is a worthless piece of excrement!!!
I am so glad that you created this site. It has helped me immensely in trying to get over the emotiional and psychological mind f@$k that occurred. BPD’s are actors with a monologue well memorized to draw the audience in. It is contrived and full of hyperbole, when you start throwing tomatoes at them… They seek a new audience!!! Thank goodness!!!! It doesn’t feel like that at first…we miss the adulation…overvaluation… Honestly! I’m glad that inspite of a smear campaign ( that was almost ( genious) I am free of this MF. I am more myself…. focused on healthy relationships… Goals etc… I miss him but I don’t want him. You effected me as did others on this blog
Thank you for the kind words, Flopsy. I really am glad this blog is helping others. All your stories are helping me in return.
There are times when I miss my ex too. But then I realize I miss the idea of her. Because the reality turned out to be frighteningly different. Sometimes, when we miss a BP, we only recall the good memories. But that isn’t the whole picture.
You are right about recalling the good memories…it was a mirage though. The real memories are frightening…ugly beyond words. I feel embarrassed that I allowed myself to get sucked into that nightmare.
We’re all embarrassed. We’re all wondering how we let this happen. But we got sucked in because these are the patterns of tolerance that we have known since childhood. Both Nons and BPs are just following the dance steps that have been laid out since childhood. To break this pattern requires nothing short of a monumental effort.
It is important to know exactly what it is we are missing when we wax nostaligic. That is the key to realizing what we have been missing in our life since our childhood. If you are missing the adulation, then that is what was missing. Nons are also looking to fill a void. Maybe not to the extent that PDs do, but it is the same dynamic.
SD…how long did it take for you to get back to your pre-bd functioning emotionally and psychologically?
Roughly a year. Bear in mind, that I have had dysfunctional relationships in the past. All of this compounds. You will never go back to the way you were. The BP takes a part of you that you will never get back. But life goes on.
They take away the ability to trust in your instincts. In my job I observe and evaluate people my assessments are usually spot on. I ignored all the red flags with this person. I think I believed I could make a difference … flawed reasoning.
When you have tasted the drug of BP love, you will ignore the negative side-effects. You fool yourself into believing that you are in control. We rationalize to get our next fix. Our flawed reasoning is a product of our addiction.
Addiction is such a strong word. Our issues from our childhood have made us vulnerable to BP’s? You are right it wasn’t just the overvaluation that was addictive but also his cynical, negative attitude mirrored the environment I grew up in. I’m not a negative person I see potential in everyone. I just need to cut my losses sooner rather than later. Again SD Thankyou for this blog and your insight.
Addiction is a strong word. But that is what it is. It explains everything.
I was in a relationship with Debi for 2 years we were engaged and I was madly in love, she had left me over fights that she started and blamed me for, never taking blame for any part in a fight and they were nasty, she would get violent, threaten to call the police, get restraining orders against me, move out and I would beg her back. My addiction for this women and all of her dark sides is overpowering and I cannot stop thinking about her. I have had no contact with her except for her calling me to tell me that she hates and that I am evil. I found 7 pages of text messages from her to another man and of course she denied that it was anything. She came into my life after my divorce like a sunami of love, met my kids and we were living together in 90 days, the deep love I felt and had for her was beyond description. Once she had me hooked on her sex, her closeness she owned my soul. Her son is a drug dealing punk that ruined all my friendships, I laid out over 30k on her and her son, paid her daughters college tuition, she did not work for 7 months I paid for everything, bought cars, paid for vacations, she never contributed a dime to the house and I was happy to provide. We met as casual sex partners and had sex on the second date, 30 minutes after she came to my home for dinner, let me take nude pictures of her, she said it was the best sex of her life, we were inseparable from that night on. I was hooked like I have never been in my life. She left me a month ago, trashed me to all work associates, never said good bye to my children and has told many people that we have in common that I am an emotional abuser. As I said called me once to tell me that I was evil and she hated me when I refused to let her have use an I phone that I bought for her. My children loved her deeply and are crushed that she is gone. She lied to me about how many marriages she had, she said 2 and a year later told me it was 4, told me one night that her father sexually abused her, her son told me that she had affairs while she was married and I let all this go because I was addicted to the euphoric recall of the highest love highs I have ever had. Now I am dealing with the aftermath of my addiction to her and it is very hard. I do wonder if she will ever reach out to me again, I would never take her back, but I am struck how she just blacked out 2 plus years of life living as the surrogate mother to my children and living in a beautiful home receiving all the love I could possibly deliver.
I worked with this girl and she had just broken up with her boyfriend which I knew, she had gotten back with him a few times and would always say that’s it I’m done with boyfriends… She confided in me one day that she had a miscarriage from him .. So we talked .. and talked over a week .. Then one day she ask me if I had a girlfriend… I didn’t .. So we started to see one another for about 5 months..
She was doing drugs with these friends of her’s and drinkin.. Then the drugs started to get hardcore.. Herion.. Shooting coke .. She od a few times.. and was taken to the hospital .. Then into the fourth month of the relationship .. There was a car accident with her two friends and she sought treatment.. She had to by her parents request or get out of the house.. I helped her find the treatment facility.. and stuck with her thru the 3 months of out patient treatment.. 1 1/2 months into her treatment she tell me she needs to talk to me .. and tells me her therapist planted a seed in her mind by telling her that we have been seeing each other to much practically every day or every other day.. She’s becoming to depentened on me .. So I didn’t like it .. But I agreed… Her response.. This was ur easy out .. You could have just told me.
It’s been all down hill ever since.. Numerous times I’ve been told by her .. I dint want any sexual relationships of any kind .. I would like to be friends…this from a girl who told me … Your amazing, I’m so luck to have you ..I love you..I must have done something right to have you in my life.. Would constantly send me lyrics to songs that reminded her of me.. Wrote me a 5 page list of .. If you only knew.. Things that she adored about me.. Put me on a high .. All I ever thought about was her.. Tried to be friends with her stayed in contact as one sided as it was .. Then she stopes calling me and would take days to return text messages.
She relapsed and started using hardcore drugs again and met this convicted felon and got tossed out of her house and moved in with him and his mom.. Started texting me again and asked for money to help her get by.. I refused nowing all to well that the money would go for drugs. Got into a verbal text war with her on and on.. no contact for about a month .. Then I receive an e- mail a day after the new year… I’m having a baby..my response was and.. She responds .. I’m so excited just letting everyone kno… her parents don’t kno.. her friends don’t kno.. Which are only very few friends that she has.. Only one of them is a female..she doesn’t like females.. All the other friends are ex boyfriends that she has put into a friend zone.. Then at the very end of that message.. I get .. Thought of you last night.. meaning new years eve.. that was when we first started going out.
Haven’t heard from her in well over a month, don’t plan on contacting her or responding to any contact from her.. Seeing as how I’ve been split black a while ago now she’s just trying to torture me and play on my emotional feelings I had for her.
Now I finally realize what she always meant by saying .. I don’t do feelings.. I hate feelings.. They complicate everything they suck.
She once said a smell a sound a person or situation can create feelings.. I didn’t understand this back then .. I was to much in love with her and at the same time trying to help her stay clean.
Now she’s living with this ex- con, who does odd jobs with his mom.. has lost her car ,phone and is trying to make me believe she’s pregnant and starting a new family.
These people are mentally sick and can’t help it or can’t realize the ramifications of there actions.. No logic.
She tried to keep me on the side as a friend .. Enabler.. While she was working on a relationship with this guy .. Even lied about his name so if I was hanging with her his name wouldn’t pop up on her phone.
Myko, recovering from a BPD is so hard. I’m sorry you got hoovered back in to having contact with her. Your strategy of no contact is the best line defense, I hope you can follow through. SD always has great insight into this disorder I’m sure he will impart his knowledge to you. I wish you the best.
Thank You.. For ur response.. I’m not sure she was a BPD.. But from what I’ve read on this post.. She sure sounds like it .. except for the cutting and hair pulling.. She was into tattoos ( 15) and a lot of piercing .. Ears , nose, tongue, dermals .. And genital area as well.. Sexually abused when she was 14.. By a 45 yearold man.. Bad relationship with her mom.. And she’s 22 and has already had 23 sexual relationships.. and self- esteem issues.. Eating disorder, and a lot of drug issues and drinking.. And constantly up and down .. And a lot of anxiety,OCD,ATD.. and would always try to stay active.. and would let her iPod randomly pick a sing in the morning to set her mood for that day .. No mater what the song was.. Got tired of constantly hearing .. Today is a good day.. or today is a bad day .. I feel like shit ..
Thanks again.. For responding.
BPD is just a label. Regardless of her diagnosis, everything you’ve told us about her spells trouble. Untreated, this woman will only cause pain for you.
Thanks again.. I’m so glad I found this site.. It really helps to clear the air and finally understand these people.. Cause they never tell you.. They never give you closer.. They just like ti suck the life out of you.. And play with your feelings and emotions.. When all you try to do us help them and take care of them .. But that’s logical.. and in there case there is no logic.
You’re right about them being exhausting. It will take to get over her but you don’t ever forget them. It took months for me to stop craving my BPD. Persevere don not cave in, this site helps a lot with working through your issues.
Your right Flopsy.. We should never forget them! Always remmember the turmoil , drama, the lieing,the constant nurturing, the advice we gave them and what do they do in return .. Lied to us played us for fools.. When in reality there only fooling themselfs.. If they don’t get treatment.. Until the next unsuspecting fool comes along.. That’s why we should never forget and educate as many poor loving souls that are out there willing to love and give there all for these suck people.
well Debbie C from pickens south Carolina will eat your heart out
hi, i am a borderline…well, i’ve never met other borderlines, so i cant make any conclusions about other people’s experiences, but it’s not that black and white:)(people seem to really pick up the traits of their partners) blaming is useless. playing victim is useless -one should just leave. they say that the main thing borderlines have to understand is that they are responsible for their own happiness. so is the co-dependent…
i am very self-aware, and married with two mentally healthy children. i guess it’s true when borderlines blame their exes-we tend to end up in abusive relationships. i ended up with a narc, if it makes anyone feel better:), not sure who hurt who more. finally, i understood that something was very wrong with both of us, and initiated no contact (you won’t believe:).
i wouldn’t want to be an advocate for other people’s behavior, but it is a matter of choice,( though for borderlines it is probably a very hard thing to do)i am not completely free of my issues, i guess i substituted the direction of all my emotions inward, because i am very kind and empathetic, and i really dont want to hurt anyone, including myself:) being aware didnt change things that much. i know what i feel when i am doing push/pull, it only hurts more to understand that you dissociate. i started to tell people why i am behaving like that and that it has nothing to do with them, now i just leave when i am hurt and ask to be taken back when i am more comfortable with intimacy. my husband is great, though i tried to divorce many times;), but he is probably aspergers (we did tests for him, so he is borderline there:)), so he can stay the drama –just he isolates himself in the other room.
do i blame other people? yes, i still blame my ex-for playing a mentally healthy person and never taking responsibility for his actions. when i admitted i am borderline, he just used this as excuse for his wrongdoings (and he did so many bad things, not to me. even…….)
if you would feel better knowing that bpd is hell-it is. i dont know how it can make anyone feel better, though. wishing everyone peace and happiness.
Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:
You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. ( Log Out / Change )
You are commenting using your Twitter account. ( Log Out / Change )
You are commenting using your Facebook account. ( Log Out / Change )
You are commenting using your Google+ account. ( Log Out / Change )
Connecting to %s
Notify me of new comments via email.
Notify me of new posts via email.
Enter your email address to subscribe to this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.
Join 174 other followers