The material here on Borderline Personality Disorder is pulled from various sources (including my own experiences) to spread awareness about this horrible condition. It is not meant to replace professional treatment or advice. It is not meant to be the definitive source for info on BPD. It’s here so that those who are negatively affected by a partner with BPD can gain some understanding of what may seem like a surreal experience. It is a starting point for your own research.
Here you will find generalizations and biased opinions based on my own personal experiences. When I speak of “my borderline ex”, I speak of all the women I’ve loved who had borderline traits. I’ve known more than my fair share. My opinions are not professional but very well informed.
This is a blog, a public diary. Nothing here is meant to be scientific fact. But you will find that a lot of it is supported by scientific fact and the experiences of many many others.
Not all borderlines are created equal. Some have the additional trauma of sexual abuse, rape or the death of a twin at birth which may add to the severity of BPD. The borderlines I’ve known may have had symptoms that were way beyond what most BPs experience. Some of them had transformed into histrionic personalities. They were also in firm denial. All of this adds up to the perfect storm.
If you know someone who suffers from this disorder, please encourage them to get help. People with BPD (especially high-functioning BPs) are very good at acting “normal”. Don’t be fooled. They are extremely disturbed. So disturbed, they may even accuse you of being crazy when you confront them with the truth. This is a standard borderline trick. Your best defense is learning more about BPs and their defense-mechanisms.
Borderlines often surround themselves with enablers and expel those who know too much. But please don’t let the fear of expulsion, stop you from intervening. Despite what most advocacy groups will tell you, you can not trust trauma survivors or disordered people to make good decisions for themselves. Their disorder impairs their judgment. Treat them as you would a loved one who is struggling with alcoholism or drug dependency. (many borderlines suffer from these addictions as well)
A borderline does not need more drinking buddies or people to tell them they’re just fine. They need strong people and good friends who are not afraid to tell them what they need to hear. Looking the other way or covering up a borderline’s tracks is not helping them. It’s preventing recovery and extending their suffering. If you consider yourself a loved one, then it is your moral obligation to get them the help they need.
If you are a partner of a borderline, my heart goes out to you. It is not an easy relationship to sustain. As you read the posts below, you will know why. Don’t blame yourself if your relationship has failed. BPD is a relationship disorder. A borderline carries deep deep wounds that were inflicted long before they even met you. You were the unlucky recipient of their pain. There is nothing you can do for a borderline, other than encourage them to get help.
If a borderline has cut you out of his/her life, my heart goes out to you as well. You are not alone. This is also standard in a borderline relationship. I’ve been there and I can tell you how painful it has been. But writing about my experiences has made me stronger and wiser. Learning more about what happened and why it happened is the key to your recovery. If they are so disturbed that they need to cut you out of their life for relief, then you are better off without them in your life. Trust me on this.
If you suffer from BPD, don’t fool yourself into believing you can ignore it. By filling your schedule with busy activities, you are only avoiding a commitment to meaningful change. You are living in denial. Don’t jump into a committed relationship because you think it will make you happy. Intimacy is the primary trigger for your fears of abandonment. You are only pulling another person into your misery if you remain untreated. I know this is your way of filling the void, but you are only causing yourself and others more pain. You have a serious disorder that demands your full attention. Save the distractions for when you have fully recovered.
There is no shame in acknowledging you have a problem. In fact, it may even alleviate some of the shame you already feel. No ordinary therapist will do. You need the help of a DBT specialist. Until you get help, you will continue hurting those who care about you the most. And you will continue repeating the same self-destructive patterns.
If you are a borderline who is currently in therapy, kudos to you. You have done what many people don’t have the courage to do- confront their issues. It is my hope that increasing awareness of such issues will encourage others to seek help.
There are some of you who believe that talking about BPD (and those who suffer from it) fuels the stigma surrounding BPD. But I argue that not talking about it makes the stigma worse. Because it allows untreated borderlines to continue creating chaos in the world. It is BPs behaving badly that create blogs like this.
Let’s stop the cycle of abuse. It stops when people take responsibility for the harm they have caused others and seek treatment to prevent further harm.