BPD

The material here on Borderline Personality Disorder is pulled from various sources (including my own experiences) to spread awareness about this horrible condition. It is not meant to replace professional treatment or advice. It is not meant to be the definitive source for info on BPD. It’s here so that those who are negatively affected by a partner with BPD can gain some understanding of what may seem like a surreal experience. It is a starting point for your own research.

Here you will find generalizations and biased opinions based on my own personal experiences.  When I speak of “my borderline ex”, I speak of all the women I’ve loved who had borderline traits. I’ve known more than my fair share. My opinions are not professional but very well informed.

This is a blog, a public diary. Nothing here is meant to be scientific fact. But you will find that a lot of it is supported by scientific fact and the experiences of many many others.

Not all borderlines are created equal. Some have the additional trauma of sexual abuse, rape or the death of a twin at birth which may add to the severity of BPD. The borderlines I’ve known may have had symptoms that were way beyond what most BPs experience.  Some of them had transformed into histrionic personalities. They were also in firm denial. All of this adds up to the perfect storm.

If you know someone who suffers from this disorder, please encourage them to get help. People with BPD (especially high-functioning BPs) are very good at acting “normal”. Don’t be fooled. They are extremely disturbed. So disturbed, they may even accuse you of being crazy when you confront them with the truth. This is a standard borderline trick. Your best defense is learning more about BPs and their defense-mechanisms.

Borderlines often surround themselves with enablers and expel those who know too much. But please don’t let the fear of expulsion, stop you from intervening. Despite what most advocacy groups will tell you, you can not trust trauma survivors or disordered people to make good decisions for themselves. Their disorder impairs their judgment. Treat them as you would a loved one who is struggling with alcoholism or drug dependency. (many borderlines suffer from these addictions as well)

A borderline does not need more drinking buddies or people to tell them they’re just fine. They need strong people and good friends who are not afraid to tell them what they need to hear. Looking the other way or covering up a borderline’s tracks is not helping them. It’s preventing recovery and extending their suffering. If you consider yourself a loved one, then it is your moral obligation to get them the help they need.

If you are a partner of a borderline, my heart goes out to you. It is not an easy relationship to sustain. As you read the posts below, you will know why. Don’t blame yourself if your relationship has failed. BPD is a relationship disorder. A borderline carries deep deep wounds that were inflicted long before they even met you. You were the unlucky recipient of their pain. There is nothing you can do for a borderline, other than encourage them to get help.

If a borderline has cut you out of his/her life, my heart goes out to you as well. You are not alone. This is also standard in a borderline relationship. I’ve been there and I can tell you how painful it has been. But writing about my experiences has made me stronger and wiser. Learning more about what happened and why it happened is the key to your recovery. If they are so disturbed that they need to cut you out of their life for relief, then you are better off without them in your life. Trust me on this.

If you suffer from BPD, don’t fool yourself into believing you can ignore it. By filling your schedule with busy activities, you are only avoiding a commitment to meaningful change. You are living in denial. Don’t jump into a committed relationship because you think it will make you happy. Intimacy is the primary trigger for your fears of abandonment. You are only pulling another person into your misery if you remain untreated. I know this is your way of filling the void, but you are only causing yourself and others more pain. You have a serious disorder that demands your full attention. Save the distractions for when you have fully recovered.

There is no shame in acknowledging you have a problem. In fact, it may even alleviate some of the shame you already feel. No ordinary therapist will do. You need the help of a DBT specialist. Until you get help, you will continue hurting those who care about you the most. And you will continue repeating the same self-destructive patterns.

If you are a borderline who is currently in therapy, kudos to you. You have done what many people don’t have the courage to do- confront their issues. It is my hope that increasing awareness of such issues will encourage others to seek help.

There are some of you who believe that talking about BPD (and those who suffer from it) fuels the stigma surrounding BPD.  But I argue that not talking about it makes the stigma worse.  Because it allows untreated borderlines to continue creating chaos in the world. It is BPs behaving badly that create blogs like this.

Let’s stop the cycle of abuse. It stops when people take responsibility for the harm they have caused others and seek treatment to prevent further harm.

118 Responses to “BPD”

  1. Chip said

    Great blog, it is very good to hear from others in this horrible situation. I also am a fellow BPD blogger, feel free to check out the story of my failed relationship. Good luck.

    Chip

    • savorydish said

      Thanks Chip,
      Always good to hear from others.

    • Lauri said

      I have borderline. Im not a bad person sure I do things I shouldnt do Im not perfect no one is. I love helping people. Im very compassionte and have empathy. I truley care about other people that I do everything for every one else. I want to be a therapist.

      Thats great and wonderul you say borderlines should go get help. But Im serious therapist wont help they take me in see me for a while then they just give up on me leave. They know I have borderline and pretty much say I cant help you any more. This has happened many times not just from one therapist. It huts like hell and I know because they gave up on me left me I did some things I shouldnt have but nothing to harm them or any thing. Im not violent at all. They pretty much say oh your borderline wont help you get out or Im not skilled to be your therapist. The stupid thing that doesnt make sense is they all say you need help go get help makes no sense its like your a therapsit your supposed to help me. But they dont thell all say go get help and just pass me along to another therapist so they can give up on me leave me too do the same thing.

      I might be going to this one year long residential treatment place and after that Im seriously done with therapist. All therapist have done is made my life hell. Dont say oh keep trying. Im seriously done with therapist all they do is make my life hell I was fine before I saw a therapist all the trouble started once I sawa therapist. No more I am done with therapist there all uncaring.

      • savorydish said

        Lauri,

        May I ask what kind of treatment you have received. Did it involve DBT? As I understand it, most traditional therapists are not trained to deal with BPD. Many more are afraid to take on someone who might sue them or make false-accusations.

      • Lauri said

        No savorydish the therapist I saw did not do DBT. Thats why I might be going to a year long resdiental place in January that has DBT and equine therapy. After that Im seriously done with therapist no more. My last therapist told me she would see me after treatment she lied and decided to give up on leave me and say nope wont see you any more after treatment shes a liar. Well I know some of why she changed her mind and said Im not seeing you after treatment never again. Some of it was my fault because I kept emailing her about how angry I was at her and how I need help now nov and dec how I cant go two months with out therapy and so on and then I said some mean things about there counsling group how they will help every one else but me and so and then tryed to add my therapist on fb. Didnt go to well }: I hate myself I was jsut trying to get help but it seems when I do I just get in trouble for pleading for some one to help me no one cares about me all treat me likeim worthless dont matter. It hurts like hell she left me and gave up on me }: I cant stop thinking about her I just want to see her talk to her again }: I want her back in my life sooo bad sooobbbb. Seriouly all the trouble and pain in my life started ever sense I saw a therapist I was fine before I saw one all they have done is made my life hell. Therapist dont truley care its fake they make people suicidal.

        I will be a therapsit I hope. I refuse to be like the therapist now a days I will not be like them. Ill have more compassion and caring for my patients then you have ever seen.

      • savorydish said

        Sorry you had such a bad experience with traditional therapists. Good luck with the residential treatment.

      • Lauri said

        I meant to say therapist’s all of them I have seen did not do DBT. One therapist I saw for only like 3 or 4 months. A year ago he did CBT he was my first male therapist didnt get attached or any thing I just left him one day.

  2. My sister is probably borderline. The “diagnosis” came from the psychologist who was seeing my mother (she had been diagnosed with multiple personalities) — my mother described my sister to her and she said my sister probably had Borderline Personality Disorder. She gave my mother some literature on the disorder that she passed along to me. Everything I read described my sister so exactly that I was stunned — I had not been aware she had any type of disorder at all (other than Bulemia). That was 20+ years ago.

    Fast forward: I went to live with my sister after she had a baby (15 years ago), at her repeated request. She had no friends, she was lonely, her husband worked all the time (attorney), she was not getting along with my mother. I decided to go, after all, she is my only sister. At first it was tense, she and husband fought all the time. But “we” were okay. She kept asking to tell her she was right when she fought with her husband. I urged her to get into therapy with her husand, which lasted for all of 3 sessions, then she decided I was the problem, not her or her busband. Things took a turn for the worse after that and eventually I left (within 6 mos.). I won’t go into what she did, except to say she made my life hell for the last 2-3 mos. I was there.

    Fast forward a few months. My mother, who is mentally screwed up herself, decided she couldn’t live without seeing my sister’s child (at the time they were semi-estranged), and made up with her. Then she “outed” me to my sister (repeating things I’d said to her on the phone during and after my doomed move to live w/ sister) and my sister called me on NY Eve and told me she never wanted to speak to me again. After I read my mothe the riot act for disclosing private conversation to my sister, she followed a few months after my sister by refusing to speak with me (this was a pattern we had off and on since I was in my late teens). That was 14 years ago.

    Fast forward again: My sister moved back to the area my mother lives in, somehow coercing her husband to give up his job and family (except for her and the child), and they apparently all get along happily ever after.

    I have not heard from either my sister or mother in the past 14 years. The two sickos would rather hang out with each other than with the one well person in their life. So be it. I can’t take both of them being crazy and manipulative together. They used to work separately, but now apparently are a team. Good for them. I feel sorry for the kid(s) (now there are 2), but there is nothing I can do for them. My family’s lineage of being raised by crazy mothers lives on through my sister and my mother’s grandparenting. Heaven help us all.

  3. sage said

    I too am Borderline in therapy. I just ended a relationship … My ex bf told me he was so proud of me for seeking help, but I didn’t think it was anything big. I want to change my life, to make it as easy for me and the people around me as possible. I lost the love of my life because of this illness. He told me that if I commit myself to getting well anything can happen 🙂

    • savorydish said

      You should be proud for seeking therapy. Believe me it isn’t easy for people with BPD to admit they have a problem. To seek help is a sign that there’s hope. Just do it for yourself and not your ex. Good luck.

  4. cyfrinach said

    hi. my ex and the mother of my two eldest children has bpd and bypolar. she is a very manipulative and hurtfull person ect. she seems determined to make our lifes hell!!! she wont admitt she needs help ect. does anyone know what kind of help someone in my position can get in the uk?

    • savorydish said

      Unfortunately, you can’t force someone to get help, esp. if they think there’s nothing wrong with them. And even if you could, therapy wouldn’t be much good if they are not willing to make it work. You are in a fortunate position of having already found a new partner, so maybe the best thing to do is make a clean cut. Dealing with a borderline in denial can be very frustrating, so you’re probably better off focusing your energy on your new family. Good luck.

  5. shane said

    I HAVE POSTED HERE BEFORE,GETTING THROUGH THE RELATIONSHIP WITH MY BPD EX AND FINALLY GETTING OVER IT WAS THE TOUGHEST THING I HAVE EVER DONE,THERE WERE MANY POINTS I FELT THAT THE ENDEAVOUR TO GET OVER IT WAS POINTLESS AND THAT I WAS DOOMED TO BE IN A STATE OF EMOTIONAL DISTRESS INDEFINITELY,I AM HERE TO SAY THAT THERE IS LIFE AFTER A BPD RELATIONSHIP,AND IN MANY WAYS WERE IT NOT FOR THE PAINFUL RELATIONSHIP,I WOULD NOT BE IN THE PLACE I AM TODAY,IT ALMOST CRUSHED ME,BUT PAIN BEING THE TOUCHSTONE OF GROWTH AS THEY SAY,I MUST HAVE GROWN QUITE A BIT LOL,I NO LONGER FEEL MUCH RESENTMENT FOR MY EX AS I DID FOR A LONG TIME,THIS HAS GIVEN WAY TO EMPATHY,HOWEVER,NOT A SUFFICIENT AMOUNT OF EMPATHY TO INTERACT WITH HER AGAIN,I WISH HER THE BEST,BUT FINALLY I REALISE THAT I CANNOT HELP,CHANGE OR RESCUE,I HAVE ENOUGH TO BE GETTING ALONG WITH IN MY OWN LIFE,SOMEHOW THE PAIN PASSES AND I NEVER THOUGHT IT WOULD.

  6. Jane said

    I’m still trying to figure out if that is what I have. I have never been officially diagnosed with it. I would love it if you would take the time to read my blog janestclair5.blogspot.com. I feel like I’m in a good place right now, but sometimes my demons sneek back up on me. Maybe I should be in therapy, but I do feel like writing about it helps. I have children and I would do anything to keep them from going through any of what I did. I do have to say one thing—I have the most amazing husband in the world! He has stuck by me through it all. I can’t imagine the pain I have caused him. I’ve read that the symptoms slowly go away around your mid-thirties. I’m thirty-six, and my emotions don’t seem to be so extreme anymore but maybe I should still seek therapy. I really don’t know of this is my problem or not. Sometimes I wonder if it’s BP II? One thing I’ve noticed in my case is that if the enviroment around me is stable, I’m fine. But, if their is a big change in my life…that’s when things go downhill.. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks

    • savorydish said

      Hey Jane,
      I’m not a therapist so I can’t diagnose you. But just briefly skimming your blog, it sounds like you are going though some heavy duty stuff. The suicide attempts and the unstable moods and relationships would certainly point to something in the realm of BPD but it could also be severe depression. If what you read here rings true, then that might also be a sign of BPD. You’ve been hospitalized, you’re on medication and you have been to a therapist- so you’re on the right track. Is there a reason why you haven’t sought an official diagnosis?

  7. savorydish said

    Life is unfair. Those who have taken ownership of their mental health and the harm they have caused others, seem to have the hardest time holding on. Whereas those who live in complete denial seem to be living in ignorant bliss. But now you can see why the latter fights ferociously to stay in denial. The emotional pain threatens their very life.

    But that is why treatment is so necessary. Nobody should expect to recover without treatment. It’s not a phase that you just grow out of. Or a pain you just ride out. The danger is real. Please seek help if you suspect you have BPD or someone has suggested that you might have it. It is worth investigating. Denial will not make the pain go away.

  8. I hear what you are saying and I greatly appreciate it! My last suicide attempt was actually about two years ago—not something I am pround of! I have seeked out a diagnosis, but I don’t think the doctors really know. I do want anyone reading to know that people with mental illness are still people. I was a little upset after reading bits and peices of your blog because not all people with depression/BPD are bad people. I understand that your experience with this hurt you very bad, and I’m sorry for that… but, every case is different. In my case, I am trying to get better. I have a family that needs me to be healthy. I also believe that my emotions aren’t quite so severe because I do know my sings and symptoms. And, I have a very strong support system through my husband and a few friends. A lot of us menatally unstable peeps just want to live happy, healthy lives just like everyone else… I do appreciate your advice, and if I am in denial I know I need to own up to it and get help. I feel good right know, but I do get scared because I know if things change too much my emotions can take a nose dive… I do have a question. Do all BPD sufferers have traumatic experiences from their past? If memories are repressed do they ever remember? I’ve read that BPD can be like PTSS… again, thank you for your time.
    Jane

    • savorydish said

      First, I’m sorry if I upset you. I do use this blog as a way to vent my anger against borderline women who have abused my trust, but I do recognize that not all BPs are like those women. Believe it or not, my bad experiences have actually given me a lot of respect for borderlines who are essentially good people struggling with this disorder. And as someone who was emotionally abused by loved ones, I can appreciate how hard it is to recover from emotional wounds.

      I posted your comments because I think people with BPD should have a voice here. Especially, someone who I have upset, yet is able to express their displeasure in a way that is not malicious or hurtful. So thank you for that. Feel free to share your side of the BPD story any time. If something upsets you, feel free to tell me so. I can’t promise a retraction, but I will post your comments if they are fair. I am human and therefore biased in my experiences. And perhaps you can provide a balance to my views.

      In regards to traumatic experiences being a trigger for BPD- I believe there is a genetic component that exists with or without trauma. In other words, it is both nature and nurture that effects the severity of BPD. Trauma seems to amplify BPD. If BPD makes you uber-sensitive, then I believe a traumatic experience can send a borderline off the deep end.

      This blog has seen quite a few borderlines pass this way. Some like yourself, are good and decent people. But I have to say that the ones who have signs of past trauma seem to be the worst. They are the ones who give all borderlines a bad name. Trauma creates a hostile and irrational personality. It also makes it more likely that they will make bad decisions in life and live in firm denial.

      These are the borderlines who have the least clarity, because their mind is constantly trying to cover up traumatic memories. Some sexual assault survivors were too young to remember early childhood abuse. In addition, many do repress the memories but still retain some feeling that something bad happened to them at one time. In some ways, you might be better off- as you seem to have a better hold on reality and your emotions.

      The fact that you are having this conversation with me and asking all the right question tells me you are in good shape. What happened in the past is in the past. You seem remorseful and willing to get better. But as I said, you still need to see a BPD specialist. Most therapists are not equipped to handle BPD. It’s like going to a general practitioner for chemotherapy. Perhaps long-term treatment will get rid of some of those fears you have. Best of luck to you and let me know how things progress in your life.

      • I do appreciate your willingness to listen to someone who has a past of some very terrible experiences caused from my lack of mental stability. Looking back at some of the things I have done make me feel like an ass! Because so many people where hurt from my illness. Again, I’m not sure if it is BPD, and sometimes I think part of my story is just human nature. But, the suicide attempts, cutting and other things I did are defiantly not apart of being “normal”…. It’s still is a constant battle. I just take it a day at a time. I understand everyone has different experiences with their mental health problems. Some are aggressive, some quiet, some mean, and some can completely catch you off guard! I agree 100% that these people do need to seek help, but some unfortunately refuse to do so (as did I, for a while). I have had the sinking feeling that something did happen to me as a child because I don’t remember anything before 8th grade… And that feeling keeps taunting me:( but one of my doctors told me I will remember when Im ready. The thing that pisses me off is that I don’t know how to get past it if I don’t know what it is. And I don’t want to create false memories, and maybe it was nothing… Anyway, please tell your followers not to give up on the people who deep down, are good and sometimes need a push in the right direction… Thanks again for your time:)I am sorry you were hurt… I think I say that more for me than you, because I’ve seen the pain I have caused others and I wish I could apologize to them all. I hope we all can grow and learn from all of this. I definitely have become a stronger person through my experience, I hope you have too:)

      • savorydish said

        You wouldn’t know it from reading this blog, but my heart goes out to people who suffer from personality disorders. I would not have found myself in so many dysfunctional relationships if I did not care. I really did try to make all those relationships work. But it has left me bitter and jaded.

        My beef is with those who use their tragic past as an excuse to be abusive and cold-hearted. Troublemakers and attention-whores are also thrown in that pile. So when I meet someone like you who is kind and considerate, I am more than happy to listen to what they have to say.

        I agree with your doctor, when you are ready you will remember. But don’t torture yourself trying to solve the puzzle. For now, find relief knowing that things are getting better for you. It sounds like you have a good husband. As long as you are not sabotaging that relationship or abusing him, I see no reason to dig up the past.

        As long as you are treating the symptoms, it doesn’t really matter what caused them. The label (BPD, Bi-Polar, etc) is not that important either. What matters is you have recognized a problem in your life and you are seeking a solution. Kudos for that. That kind of honesty takes a lot of strength.

        Thanks again for your sympathy and compassion. I always appreciate it. It is a sign that you are a good soul. And that kind of dedication alone sends the message out to my readers that people with personality disorders CAN live a good life. They can be good wives and mothers. As long as you keep getting better, then you are proof of that. And I will be more than happy to share your story.

        You should chat with Skye. She is also a good soul who also may or may not have BPD. You two might find things in common. Maybe find answers together. You can find her blog down below. Take care.

  9. Lisa said

    Dear Savory Dish:

    I must say that I really appreciate your incredibly accurate portrayal of what the other half of a BPD relationship endures. I may have stumbled across this blog a little late in the thread, but I felt I really wanted to commend your pragmatic call-outs not only on BPD, but the attention seekers and histrionics. This is the first post I’ve ever made on a blog, if that provides any context.

    I am still suffering the trauma of dating a BPD male for only 6 months. He was diagnosed after I dragged him to a doctor after three months of sporadic poor behavior. I’d find this 37 year old man curled in a fetal position crying one minute, raging about something he had wholly misinterpreted the next, and throwing things against the wall dangerously close to my head or my beloved golden retriever.

    When he stopped taking the medications given to him, he spiraled into a pattern of excessive spendin. He’d wake up still angry from a spat the night before, and lie on top of me so I couldn’t breathe. Other bad behavior included kicking in my back door, dialing 911 and holding the phone over my head like a childhood bully. He filed false police reports claiming I had brandished a handgun at him.

    Thankfully, I printed out my computer keystrokes and emails to prove to the courts that I was unable to have done just that. Unfortunately, I was arrested for the first time in my life for something that never happened. I spent $8,000 dollars to have my records expunged to protect my professional livelihood. He is currently under anger management/restraining order for threatening to shoot a policeman who came to monitor his final retrieval of his personal items from my house. My protective order expires in a month or two, and I am not ashamed to admit I’m really scared it’s not over just yet.

    Here’s a couple of points I’d like to humbly offer up:

    I am a professional woman with no history of physically abusive relationships. I’d like to think I’m intelligent, global in my upbringing and a good businesswoman. I was completely blindsided, so I think this was a universal lesson to me that this can happen to anyone. It wiped out any preconceived notion that “domestic disputes” don’t happen in my world.

    If I could do one thing to help younger women facing the abuse of a BPD male, it would be:

    1. Go. Go and don’t look back. It can get too dangerous depending on the severity of the individual case. If it’s a long term relationship and you know the gamut of the behavior, then perhaps it’s different. I’m just not sure it’s healthy – or physically safe . My BPD had a gun permit.

    2. Find a local YWCA with support for domestic abuse or BPD. You’ll find textbook examples of your experiences

    3. Stay away from his manipulation. In my case, I kicked him out after 3 months. I fullfilled my own obligation to society to find a doctor to monitor him before asking him never to contact me again. I wouldn’t want to turn his anger out on anyone else.

    In less than two weeks,there was weeping, apologies, and the claim that things would be different now that he was medicated. The second three months scarred me for life. I’m still scared in my own home, because I can’t afford to move right now.

    4. Watch out for his enablers. After I disengaged for the second time, his mother and father asked me to handle his finances ( he was hearing impaired) to relieve them of the burden. They had known for years of his erratic behavior, and even used their contacts within the local police department to exonerate his behavior, and pursue the person he told them had taken advantage of him. When you hear the same story of the “demonic” ex-wife or girlfriend who victimized him, this is a big warning sign.

    5. Give yourself time to heal. It’s been a year, and it’s changed my ability to want to date anyone who isn’t a male friend I have known for a while. Hence, not much dating in the last year!

    6. You’re not a victim unless you let yourself be. For most of us, maybe it was a one time experience. I don’t think I was a victim, just someone who ignored some red flags. Maybe I’m better off for it going forward, but hopefully you can avoid what I went through by taking a few minutes to hear my story.

    So Savory Dish, consider this my thanks to you for putting real life out there – real life unencumbered by the “disclaimers” of the psychs online and the medical websites. I never wanted to be jaded, but I’m optimistically cautious in love now.

    • savorydish said

      You’re welcome and thanks for your story, Lisa.
      You are right to be cautiously optimistic. People who have a history with borderlines are doomed to repeat the past unless they are able to change their own patterns. And that includes figuring out why we make the choices we make. Because chances are this was not our first dysfunctional relationship. And it will only be our last when we decide enough is enough.

    • Judy said

      Lisa – you told my story exactly, I am also a professional woman, never experienced domestic abuse in an adult relationship, the rage attacks, things thrown at my head, denial, lies, and the enablers to are unwittingly used as agents to continue the emotional abuse of the BPD after he couldn’t get at me himself. He also has a gun permit. I was fortunate, I was able to leave the house and put physical distance between us, but spent many sleepless or nightmare filled nights as he left me terrified of his irrational mood swings and the self-deceptions he used to justify some of the most horrific behaviors and treatment of me. It’s been almost a year since we split, 6 months since our divorce after a horrific 15 months marriage. I was manipulated masterfully by this man, and I won’t date either – I had no idea the monster I had married, this man had been my friend for 7 years before I started dating him. Once he had me legally bound, the monster came out. It was a terribly destructive experience.
      From here on in, any man who utters the words “you’re crazy” to me will be immediately banned from my circle. That’s how the whole gaslighting insanity began – and now I know the tell tale signs.
      All of you who are wondering whether to stay or go…if you’re instincts say he is dangerous, don’t THINK, just GO. What you feel as love is emotional entanglement. People who love do not treat their partners in the manner that a BPD treats his.

  10. Alex said

    This page, I can agree with you 100% without a problem. Except for self diagnosing a personality disorder instead of consulting a professional, there is no substitute. It has to be done in person, doing it over the Internet is major faux pas.

    There are people that will play up to the hilt of a personality disorder because they are reading books on psychology and just doing it to mess with you over the Internet, it’s what turns their cranks unfortunately.

    Occasionally, you might actually call it right but to be on the safe side and to avoid lawsuits, leave people’s names and pictures out of it.

    You will call me Tila’s enabler, you will do or say as you will but just remember, what you say doesn’t automatically make it’s true.

    The flip side of this blog and to post something about Tila’s with your accusations of her being BPD is in and of itself a way to advertise your blog and your knowledge of BPD, which is a more covert way to gain readers to your site (hidden agenda).

    Whether or not Tila, is a BPD, which from I do know right know is that she hasn’t up to this point been officially been diagnosed by a trained professional psychology or psychiatrist for such as a BPD.

    Which I will say this your knowledge of Borderline Personality Disorder is great and spot on but leave the diagnosis for the professionals.

    Because she may not have it at all or she may have another personality disorder, this as I said, since I am not her shrink therefore I cannot comment on if she is or is not. Even if I was, I would have not posted this on your forum and site.

  11. Alex said

    Spelling error. “trained psychology” should be “trained psychologist”. My apologies.

  12. Zan said

    Just saw the new film “My Week with Marilyn” and besides being a good film, it was as good of an onscreen presentation of a Borderline Waif as you will ever see.

    So, I googled Marilyn Monroe and BPD and it was no surprise that I found a number of entries. This was the best one:

    http://ontheborderlineblog.wordpress.com/2010/02/24/a-candle-in-the-wind/

    • savorydish said

      Thanks for that Zan. I’ll have to check out the movie.

    • Zan said

      I just went to see “Young Adult” with Charlize Theron. This is another spot on movie about a classic borderline/narcissist/histrionic. I think both she and Michelle Williams in “My Week with Marilyn” should get some nominations for their performances. These movies will hopefully generate some discussion of BPD.

  13. I have to say, mate, this is some of the best writing about BPD from a lay-person I’ve ever read. Well done. Keep up the good work!

    I’m wondering if you’re familiar with Attachment Theory. Basically, attachment theory is the theory about how people form bonds and develop as human beings as a result. I believe a basic understanding of atachment theory is essential to an understanding of BPD.

    In a nutshell, our primary ‘attachment’ occurs around infancy to 3 years old with our mothers. It is this attachment that lets us know we’re alive and cared for. From that attachment, we eventually break off and become ‘actualized.’ Without that primary attachment, human beings tend to have trouble to greater or lesser degress becoming actualized as human beings.

    The second primary way humans form bonds is through sex. The ‘intimate’ nature of sex opens us up (emotionally AND phsyiologically/chemically) to a bonding experience that is profound and lasting. THIS is an area where BPD’s cause GREAT harm.

    It is remarked that BPD’s are often quite sexually promiscuous. I posit that many BPD’s ‘use’ sex to form ‘quick-and-dirty’ attachments to people in order to alleviate their own abandonment fears. Along with this, the powerful weapon of ‘mirroring’ is employed against the NON as a kind of super-adhesive. Mirroring acts as a ‘bonding’ agent that speaks to the NON’S emotional core and draws the NON in to a false bonding experience.

    BPD is basically an attachment disorder. The BPD usually suffers a rupture in the primary attachment (mother/parent bond) and develops massive abandonment issues as a result. From these abandonment issues spring forth a variety of faulty belief systems that cause the maladaptive behaviors that the BPD uses to survive. A ‘false self’ is created, and this false self ventures out into the world to create false attachments with other human beings.

    One really has to consider what a cruel experience this is for the NON. The methods (usually unconscious) employed by BPD’s are designed to attack the most fragile part of the NON’s emotional core. This is place where unresolved ‘issues’ reside. It is often said that a BPD can ‘hone in’ on a person with issues like a heat seeking missle. This makes sense, since the BPD’s attachment disorder undoubtedly seeks out that which compliments it – at least for a period. It is as if the BPD’s ’emotional core’ is saying, ‘Here’s a person who is damaged enough to stick around for a while!’

    I say that one of the best ways to determine the true depths of one’s co-dependency issues is to get into a relationship with a BPD. The length of time one spends with a BPD, and the behavior one puts up with, can be a very precise measure of just how deeply entrenched one’s co-dependcy issues are. In my case, I lasted 10 months before I broke it off with my BPD for good. Looking back on it, my co-dependency issues were bad enough for me to get into the relationship in the first place, but not bad enough to STAY in it. If I had STAYED in it, God help me . . .

    • savorydish said

      Thank you for the supportive words and thank you sharing your knowledge. I wish I could say that I broke off my relationship. She cut me out when she sensed my reluctance to move in with her. I guess I had enough sense to keep my distance.

  14. I’ll also posted the theory that BPD’s often use sex to regulate, or ‘medicate,’ their emotional dysregulation. Sex produces nature’s strongest painkillers: endorphins and oxytocin. Sex for the BPD is often the equivalent of a valium or a shot of heroin. My ex-BPD often used to remark how ‘calm’ and ‘centered’ she felt after we had sex. Now I know why! For most humans, sex is a calming agent. For the BPD, it’s like a pharmacological treatment.

    This does not bode well for the aging BPD, particularly if she’s a woman. As the female BPD ages, her sexual options will naturally decrease. Hence, her ability to use sex to medicate her emotional dysregulation will ALSO decrease. She might find someone here and there, but it will be nothing like her younger years. Add to this the physical ‘wear and tear’ of years of untreated mental illness and promiscuity, which gives the BPD a ‘weathered’ and used up appearance. The BPD I was with was a BEAUTIFUL woman when I had known her in previous years, but at age 42, she looked like she was a week from 65. I now know why. I, on the other hand, am 43, and LOOK 43, because I do not have untreated mental illness and have not spent years in the wood-chipper of rampant promiscuity.

    Female BPD’s are usually sexual dynamos. There’s a reason for this. The most obvious is that they have a LOT OF PRACTICE. The question is – WHY? Because sex, for the BPD, is the primary means of ‘attachment.’ Unfortunately, any kind of intimacy triggers the BPD’s abandonment issues and resultant behaviors, whereupon the BPD flees or is discarded and goes back out into the world to utilize sex ONCE AGAIN to form a false attachment. The BPD will do this OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER again until she eventually hits a wall and gets to an age where she’s not able to do it as much. At that point, the BPD is relegated to the rag-heap of human existence and usually winds up alone.

    • savorydish said

      It is true borderlines are very experienced in sex. But that doesn’t mean they are good at it. Yes,the first few times are great. It’s the kind of wild sex you only see in movies. But then you realize, as you get closer, the sex gets worse and worse. The novelty high has worn off and you realize the borderline is just going through the motions. When the sex gets bad, that is a warning sign. The fear of intimacy is creeping in. It is only a matter of time when she will look elsewhere for that high.

      • I didn’t experience that exactly, but I know what you’re saying. For me, after a while, the sex became very mechanical and had a going-through-the-motions feel. It was like she was there to do a job. The novelty did wear off after a month or two and it became a bit tiresome – probably because I felt an ‘off-ness’: lack of intimacy; a total disregard for my well-being (she was very rough), a very ‘focused’ kind of sado-masochstic tendency, and a general manic-ness and obsession about sex in general. She didn’t go looking elsewhere, though. What happened was that the sex stopped working as a ‘medication’ for her and her emotional dysregulation got even WORSE.

        I’d like to make a totally unrelated comment. After spending some time in on-line discussions about BPD, I’ve noticed a similarity between roughly 90% of PWBPD responses: in all cases, they are almost completely INCOHERENT. The consistency with this is just creepy!! Poor organization of thought, lack of grammar, hyper-jumping between ideas. There’s barely an attempt to use punctuation. Even the thought of starting sentences with a capital letter and ending them with a period is too much! It’s like the PWBPD is simply EMOTING on the page, rather than COMMUNICATING.

        At this point, I’m able to pick out the PWBPD responses by simply skimming discussions. They are nearly ALL the same.The mental and emotional disorganization actually shows in the writing style. It’s like the self-delusion and lack of maturity has a VISUAL AND SYNTACTICAL QUALITY. This is probably because the PWBPD HAS NO emotional syntax; it’s all just a big jumble. The only time I ever see an improvement is when the PWBPD has (or has claimed to) gone through some kind of behavioral therapy. I can tell whether or not the therapy has been succesfull by seeing if the writing style is markedly improved over other PWBPD.

    • Observer said

      The male borderlines are the same. The one I was involved with was obsessed with sex. He also counts on his good looks to attract women.

  15. Sammy said

    And another fact guys if you meet a woman ….And she tells ya that she , doesn’t want to be married cause her gay friends aren’t allowed to marry or she has a bunch of gay male that she calls her best friend…”RUN” ….. just run cause you are only seeing the tip of the ice berg ….dump her and do it fast…your mental well being is depending on it…trust me on this…My BPD/NPD ex told me this maybe around the third month of our so called relationship………Again I was dumb I didn’t know…..

    • savorydish said

      Sammy you’ve made a valid observation here, but let’s be careful not to suggest that having gay friends is bad. It’s not.

      However, that said, there is something to be said about women who have “gay boyfriends/husbands”. You know the kind. They call themselves “fag hags”. They live life “fabulously”. I’ve dated my fair share of these women. And every single one of them had serious man hater issues.

      This is not an absolute. But these women are hanging around gay men for a reason. They don’t trust straight men. They also don’t trust other women. Something happened in their childhood to create this mistrust. It is important, Sammy, to not make superficial judgments. Even more important not to make homophobic comments. But there is some truth in what you are saying.

  16. Sammy said

    @Savorydish …thanks for what you have said here cause it gives me a chance to clear up one thing ….I am not homophobic like that …..I was at a young point in my life ….But I respect a person’s right to make what ever choice they so chose……, My ex-BPD even told me she didn’t trust women …but its funny , it was women that she used as proxies in the end……, but if you seen her friends list on some web sites you would see …just by looking at these people ..that they are fucked up , either as BPD’ers themselves or Narcissist trust me on this one…..You can just see it

    • savorydish said

      No worries, Sammy. I know exactly what you meant. I just wanted everyone else to be crystal clear.

      BPD women often masquerade as feminists, but ironically they don’t even trust women. The only reason why they have gay friends is because they don’t feel threatened by them. But they use them as well. Not only as proxies/enablers, but as Zee puts it, a warm body. When my ex needed someone to spoon her, she would just call her gay boyfriend.

  17. Zee said

    In reference to sexuality: a lot of BPD women have had their share of bi-sexual encounters, but do not consider themselves ‘bi-sexual.’ This makes perfect sense, since sexuality is part of identity and BPD’s are identity-challenged. A ‘fluid’ (for lack of a better term) definition of one’s sexuality fits right in with BPD. A Borderline is whatever they unconcsiously ‘believe’ they need to be at any given time. This is even more the case with SEX, which is one of the MAJOR tools that BPD’s use to glom on to people and to treat their own emotional dysregulation.

    A month into our so-called relationship, my psycho BPD ex wanted to bring a ‘third party’ into the picture. I short, she wanted to hire a hooker for my birthday. Now . . . a lot of guys would be all over this. However . . . I got a bad gut-feeling about it. Something was off. (Besides the fact that hookers are skanks). It just didn’t feel right. She had mentioned other sexual encounters with women before that, and I asked her if she was bi-sexual. The reason I was asking, I explained to her, was to find out whether or not sex with women was something she needed to feel fulfilled. I asked all of this in a calm, reasonable manner. She looked at me like I had THREE HEADS and mumbled something along the lines of ‘Well, I never really LOVED a woman before . . .’ My reply was that I didn’t ask her if she had ever LOVED a woman, I asked her if SEX with women was something she needed. She went on to claim that she really isn’t ‘bi-sexual.’ I said, ‘Well, yes you are, because you have sex with both men and women. That’s what bi-sexual IS. There’s nothing wrong with being bi-sexual. I’m just trying to figure out what kind of situation I’m in.’

    AND . . . there’s where I hit the VORTEX. A BPD doesn’t WANT you to know ‘what you’re dealing with.’ And the more I tried to locate the actual ‘person,’ the more obfuscation I got. I realized this because when I nixed the hooker idea, she said ‘Ok, no problem,’ as if she were talking about the weather. REALLY?? You suggest a hooker, deny being bi-sexual when you’re clearly bi-sexual, and then act like we we’ve been talking about hockey for an hour? WOW!!

    In retrospect, I wasn’t dealing with a ‘person’ at all; I was dealing with a PERSONA. Talk about a Bergman film come to life.

    • Sammy said

      @ Zee and @ SavoryDish….See so much went on in that crazy relationship……That all it takes for me to clearly remember one thing to the next is one of you guys bring up something similar …I want to thank you guys for that cause it gives me a chance to get it out there….Vent so to speak……But I tell ya these things I printed here are true……..crazy as they may sound …., swear on the life of my children that these things happened……, I remember one night …we were at her place we had just finshed having sex…I was down stairs , sitting on the couch…., She showers then comes down., And proceeds to tell me ….How someone , Now I never knew who this someone was……, Knew somebody who had the same type of personality as her and thought they would make good friends the mystery person was from Atlanta………, and she went on to demand that she was going out to dinner with her it was suppose to be a female so my BPD ex said………., and then with out much protest from me …she started a argument with me , like I was trying to stop her .., Hell I don’t even know what the fuck was going on…But at about that time which was in Feb ….I started to feel real uneasy….Well I think we know how the rest turned out……

      Man I wish I had broken my leg the night I took a cab from my house to her house….That was the beginning of slow pain for me …I wish I had avoided it all , Really I am so sorry I ever met this person…She is totally the worst person top to bottom I have ever met….Really and usually I find some good in even the worst person so to speak…..,

    • Observer said

      The male borderline I knew said he was bisexual at first, and then later would deny it, even after I knew he had told me he was. They are very sexual and will have sex with almost anything, which is also dangerous.

  18. Zee said

    Sexuality with BPD’s is a very fluid thing, and is an inherent part of their identity disturbance. It’s not so much a man or a woman to them; it’s a WARM BODY they can feed off of. Don’t ever expect a BPD to be specific when she referes to her own sexuality. BPD’s use sex in a very non-specific way to treat their own very specific emotional problems.

    • savorydish said

      Great observation, Zee. BPs are not gay, they are just NEEDY. They just FEAR being alone. Like you said, any body will do. Their fear of abandonment is only matched by their fear of being alone.

      • Sammy said

        @ZEE and @ SAVORYDISH…..Now thats totally were I got myself into trouble , I went to her condo almost 4 or 5 times a week…..even if it was only for a couple hours here and there most days , , Really in retrospect I might have set my own self up…..but I was 44 at the time of out meeting and I was looking for one relationship , and thats what she said she wanted ..she said that time and time again……Even pretended to be mad if I spoke of seeing others.., Naw she was sucking blood , did I really think she was willing to share her …..blood with another female.

  19. Sammy said

    I don’t split people black , a old man once told me money is not what makes a man rich, but the quality of his friendships and relationships….., there it is guys …….The reason why this borderline was able to hurt me…..It wasn’t the sex……although it was extremely good …LOL , I keep waiting for basic human kindness to kick in…I just knew that it would……..” Guys” I wanted to believe it , and was totally shock and caught off guard , when I didn’t get it …only to receive a smear campaign ….

  20. Zee said

    Sammy,

    When you cut through the baloney with BPD’s, the particulars don’t really matter as much as the bigger truths. BPD’s have no idea who they ‘are,’ and will kill YOU to try to hide that truth. They fear abandonment, but everything they do causes people to abandon them. They are their OWN WORST NIGHTMARES.

    Once we’ve had time to wash off their emotional filth and take a step back, we start to see the larger truths. At that point, the particular situations all come together into ONE BIG PORTRAIT of a desperately ill person who will make US sicker before we make THEM better. It really is that simple.

    A therapist/life coach I had seen for a while put it to me this way: ‘Basically, if you stay with her, you’ll be in a CARETAKER role for the rest of your life. Your needs will never come into the picture. EVER. Are you ok with that?”

    My answer was NO. Two months later, I ditched her. And it wasn’t pretty. It NEVER IS with Borderlines.

    And BTW, no offense meant, but the heavy use of points of elipsis ( . . .) make it hard to read your writing.

    • Sammy said

      Thanks @Zee I totally take no offense in you telling me that my spelling and things are out of wack , I will do my best to correct it so my point here is well taken, Ok Zee thanks for being here and your smart input !

      Sammy

  21. Kez said

    I suppose SD, i’ve got to thank you really. They say its uncommon for men to display behaviours of BPD but my psychologist believes i have BPD and an attachmente disorder. Reading your blog has given me insights into myself and it feels weird to think of myself as an homme fatale but its what i am. I’ve put several women through a lot of pain. And the sad bit is that i’ve loved them, i’ve loved these women and they’ve been great for me. But its so damned scary to be loved that i cannot handle it and I can’t help but hurt them, hurt them because hurt is all i’ve ever known. Love and hurt mate, they’re the same to me. Love leads to sadness and hate, and that’s how we (us disorders) know that we’re loved. When it hurts. Happiness is strange, and happiniess cannot be trusted. The pain of separation is the only way we love. I cannot even begin to imagine the hell you went through and on your ex’s behalf i apologise.

  22. Kez said

    I only know someone loves me when they hurt because of me. It’s bloody agony. It’s a pain addiction.

  23. EC said

    All of the articles published here opened my eyes even more. I was in a 3 year relationship with someone who possibly has BPD. The honeymoon phase was incredible, and I was completely blinded. I could not recognize red flags along the way. Some months ago, I applied to a business school for my MBA. She stated she was happy for me and that she was willing to maintain the relationship long distance. I was happy as I thought she was telling me the truth. Once I got accepted, things began to get worse. She broke up with me three weeks before I left for my MBA, and two weeks after the program had started, I learned that she was already dating someone else. For my surprise, it was a guy who she already knew. She is now 26, the guy is 40, has a lot of money, divorced about 5 months ago, has two daughters and a grandson. She completely painted me black, blocked every type of contact with me.

    I consider myself a nice-guy who wanted to offer a better life to her. So, I though that getting my MBA was going to help to get a better job so I could offer her something better faster.

    During the break up, she accused me of enslaving her, disrespecting her, making her feel less, and other false accusations like for example: “you told me you were going to be with a lot of girls in your MBA”. COMPLETELY FALSE. Yes of course, there are girls in school, but she was the only woman in my life. One day after the break up, we saw each other, made up and cuddled ay all night long, it was truly intoxicating, as I constructed false hopes.

    She still contacted me weeks before, and one day she just unplugged me and threw me away like a piece of crap. I must tell you that I had to go to therapy with a psychologist and I am slowly recovering from deep wounds (shame, anger, etc.). Although I am kind of relieved that I am not with her anymore, sometimes I still miss her (the good times that were brief).

    She always found a way to put my feelings and needs down, after a while, I became only an object to her. Her family called after the breakup telling me how they missed me and how they hoped everything would be back to “normal” again (meaning I would return to her). It was very confusing. Now, from what I understand she is hiding from friends, ashamed because of the choice she made with her new “victim”..

  24. BPDsufferer said

    I am shocked to read the bashing comments on BPD sufferers on this site. Just dump the psycho bitch is the common idea it seems. I am a 39 year old woman, and I have been married now for 7 years after many turbulent affairs. I have been suffering from BPD since my teens, but I only got diagnosed 8 years ago. I disclosed my illness to my husband before we tied the knot. I have been seeing several psychiatrists and I have been taking meds for 8 years now. I have even been hospitalized for several weeks. None of it has really helped. It is very difficult for someone with BPD to find the right help, as most therapists do not want to or do not know how to treat us. Most therapists won’t even return my call when I mention my diagnosis. Specialized treatment such as DBT is difficult to obtain, and most insurances will not cover it. So don’t go and say that most people with BPD do not seek help, they do but there is limited access due to the limited amount of therapists who are trained to treat BPD, and the reluctance of insurance companies to cover Dialectal Behavorial Therapy and other forms of specialized treatment for BPD. My husband and I had 4 great years together, however, the last three were tough and my illness is worsening. Most of the men on this forum would advise him to run I suppose. However, would you say the same thing to my husband who vowed to stay true in sickness and health if I had a physical illness? No, that would be considered reprehensible and cowardly. Sometimes I wish my illness was physical and visible; missing a leg, having cancer, battling diabetes. At least I would get some damn compassion from society instead of being stigmatized as a mental patient. Mental illness is taboo as it is, and BPD is one of the most devastating and stigmatizing diagnosis someone can get. Please understand this is an real illness, and that none of your “(ex)” girlfriends” intentionally try to torment you, even if it may feel this way. Instead of bashing them, try to understand them and show some compassion by reading a book like walking on egg shells. You have no idea how we suffer. 75% of people with BPD attempt suicide to end the pain, 10% of us succeed at this. In addition, I believe that BPD is unfairly labeled “a woman’s disease”, and I think it is under diagnosed in men. For example; it took very long for me to get diagnosed, because I am not a cutter. I have a male friend who got recently diagnosed and he is a cutter. So please, read more, judge less.

    • env100 said

      I was recently diagnosed with borderline and am very scared.. The blogs I’ve read on here basically answer my question ‘ do I dump my fella for fear of his own safety’ …. I love him so dearly and he has been as supportive as he possibly can but I feel like I’m destroying him and any future we have.. I am still trying to get therapy and meds.. I have pushed and pushed to no avail but now my next appt is in January and I will refuse to leave the doctors office until they agree to do something for me.. I’m so tired of going it alone. I don’t understand what happened to me and why I’ve become such a bovine! When in my heart I am good, true nad very very caring.. I’m just so terrified .. I have attempted suicide twice in the last 3 months.. Once with pills and the second time I took my fellas insulin to try and induce a coma and death (he’s diabetic) .. Please please advise I just don’t want to hurt him anymore! Should I let him go so he can find someone else and have the healthy relationship he deserves??

      😦 x

  25. hadenough said

    Hey guys, wow this site has really been helpful. I was in a relationship off and on with a guy that I am sure had BPD. It had to be. I lived everyday confused, on egg shells, not knowing what kind of mood he would be in. I always knew at any moment he could snap and shut me out. And he did. On multiple occasions, I would be given the silent treatment, when I wanted to talk, he would threaten to call the police. All I did was love him. Seriously. I loved him so much, and so unconditionally, and I wanted to love him so perfectly, I overlooked his behavior and dismissal of me and my emotions for so long. One night out of nowhere, at a restaurant, his personality started turning me out of nowhere. He had just finished telling how pretty I looked that night and then 5 minutes later, he was angry and insulting everyone in the restaurant and saying horrible things to me about people he did not even know. he looked at the server and said to me, “his father beats his mother…look at that loser”. WTF!!! It was so upsetting to me so I excused myself to go to the bathroom and when I came out he was gone. I should not have done this but I went to his house, and he told me how I didn’t deserve it and that we needed a break. I said ok. and after a month of NC, I reached out to him one time and he said if I tried talking to him he would not talk to me for a year. LIke my concerns and feelings meant nothing. Another month went by and on Christmas Eve he texted me telling me I was a part of a harem and that I better be on my best behavior when I meet the other girls. It was so out of nowhere and hurtful and I told him to F off. He told me he knows I’ll be back crawling and I better be on all fours bc that is his rule. I asked him why he is being so mean and he said he was trying to teach me lesson and that I was “a nightmare”. He said I was destined to be his bitch and that I would never leave. And I have not spoken to him since. Through out our entire relationship (13 years), I loved him, I gave him space bc he always seemed to need a lot of it. He was often times devaluing me telling me I was messed up and in denial. He told me some horrible things. And I stayed, forgiving him of everything. I don’t understand how any person can deliberately hurt someone time and time again and not care. I did not respond to that last text he sent on Cmas Eve and he has not reached out to me once. I cry every day bc I have no understanding of anything. I thought he was my best friend and he let me go as if I meant nothing at all…after 13 years. I don’t know what to do. He told me once that is a douche bag (his words) and that he should not subject himself to me and that he is in a dark place in his life. I do not know what this means to him. And then he tells me about a harem?? I’m sorry, I know i sound crazy now but I am so confused…and I’m just looking for answers and everything all these stories have described on here fit my situation in so many ways. I still love him and I’d stick by him if he’d get help. but I’m too afraid to reach out especially since he was so sure I wouldn’t leave…unless it was reverse psychology. this guy has a degree in psychology and a PhD. Why doesn’t he realize he needs help? There is so much more to say but I just gave events from the last couple months. The last time I saw him was Nov before Thanksgiving. Thanks for listening everyone. Any advice would be appreciated. I am so sad.

    • savorydish said

      Welcome. If your man doesn’t realize he needs help, then there is no helping him. He must come to that realization himself. Denial is a huge part of this disorder. A PhD in psychology is not a clean bill of mental health. It is a sign that he is intellectually developed, but emotionally dysfunctional. He is not mean, he’s abusive. Stay away from this guy. Be good to yourself. You deserve better.

  26. Dave said

    Hi there,

    Just stumbled across this site and would love to share my heart wrenching story – I’m still not sure if my ex has bpd or not so please feel free to chime in with your insight as I’d greatly appreciate it.

    My short lived relationship with my ex (4 months) was incredibly intense. The relationship moved at light speed and by November 1st after only 2 and a half months of dating I had moved in with her and her 2 kids. The intensity of the relationship was out of this world. Probably why I choose to ignore so many red flags early on such as 2 kids from 2 different dads and an abortion from a 3rd, openly admitting on our first date that at 37 years old she had never had a relationship last longer than 3 months, bringing her oldest daughter on our first date!, at 37 not having a single thing to her name or a single dollar saved and having filed for bankruptcy recently for being over $72,000 in debt….once again with nothing to show for it…the list goes on and on. Like I said I’m not proud of overlooking all these red flags but she was the most attractive woman I had ever met and we were identical in every aspect of our lives. She was SO good at making me feel special, to say she idealized me would be an understatement.

    Unlike so many other people’s experience hat I read about she never displayed the raging, abuse, or push pull games. There was some fear of abandonment early on in the relationship but all in all there seemed to be a complete lack of emotion in general. Matter of fact I never saw her once cry or even get upset. If bothered she would just become silent and give me the silent treatment for a day or so.

    Like I said I moved in there on November 1st. On November 27th we had a very minor disagreement over finances once again she became silent and subsequently ended the relationship and asked me to leave. Where was I supposed to go? She didn’t care, she wanted me out. I was COMPLETELY blown away and blindsided. When I moved in with her and her 2 kids I either sold, gave away or threw away absolutely everything that I owned with the exception of my TV and my clothes. So here I was with nothing to my name and she’s just ended it over basically nothing and wants me out. I pleaded and begged for her to think about it and communicate with me but she was adamant…it was over. I was forced to live in a hotel for a week until I could find an apt to rent where moved in December 1st and had to start re building my life – everything from cutlery to a bed to a couch…everything. The most shocking part of it all…she absolutely could of cared less. Not an ounce of sympathy, empathy or remorse. Matter of fact she instantly cut me out of her life in every single way shape and form. I was CRUSHED. To give you an idea of how blindsided I was I sent her a text from work on the morning of November 24. It was a Saturday and I was telling her how excited I was for Christmas and how much I was looking forward to spending it with my new family. How for the first time in a long time I wouldn’t be alone this Christmas. Her exact response to that text was as follows:
    “Hun, you’re not only spending it with a loving family you’ve become a part of this loving family. My girls like my boyfriend so much they want you officially as their father and I’ve found…..finally the one and only for me, my soulmate. Nothing will eve be the same as life as you knew it. This Christmas is so special to us too. To finally have found our guy and spend out first Christmas together!” Like I said that was on Saturday the 24th….the following Monday I was in the hotel…

    Here’s where it gets even worse. Shortly after Christmas (which was one of the hardest days of my life) I realized that I had forgotten my Christmas tree (still boxed) in her crawl space. December was a complete blur and obviously I didn’t decorate, it was a matter of taking things hour by hour just trying to get through each day so it just didn’t occur to me until a few days after Christmas. This was my mothers Christmas tree and I lost my mom to cancer 10 years ago so obviously the tree had a tone of sentiment value to me. I sent her a text a few days after Christmas telling her that I left the tree there and asking if when she took down her Christmas stuff she could pull it out and put it outside one day and I would swing by a d pick it up. She said “I’ll drop it off at the front of your apt building”. I said “ok just let me know when you do so I can bring it in”. New Years came and went (when most people take their stuff down) and I never heard from her. I thought well maybe she’s waiting till the weekend. The weekend came and went and once again I didn’t hear from her. I texted her the 1st Monday of January with “are you going to return my mothers tree?”. She said “yes this weekend”. I replied with “would you mind just pulling it out tonight or tomorrow and leaving it outside, even put it on the road by your car it you like. It would take at the most 5 minutes and I just want to get this over with and move on”. She replied with “sorry I don’t have time till the weekend and a tree shouldn’t prevent you from moving on”. Once again I politely responded with “ok just please let me know when you drop it off. I don’t want it sitting out in the rain”. Saturday came and I didn’t hear from her. Sunday came and I still didn’t hear from her. I never heard from her again and she kept the tree. I can not for the life of me make any sense of that. Why in the world would you do something so incredibly hurtful? Why would you keep something so dear to me? It’s the most cruellest, heartless thing I’ve ever had done to me. All from someone who professed their undying love for me, her soulmate, constantly spoke about marriage etc etc. The whole situation devastated me to the core. I wouldn’t wish what I went through on my worst enemy. To be completely cut out of someone’s life almost overnight as if you never even existed in the first place after being SO close to them has been extremely hard for me to accept. I would love some feedback from people that would like to share some of their opinions. Thank you for letting me share my story.

    • Nicko said

      Hi dave , I can empathise with you totally. I experienced a very similar “relationship ” just before Christmas with someone who I now believe to be a bpd. The similarities are astounding . She was 30 , no kids tho and was a ” high functioning ” bpd that worked . We were together 2 months and it started with a bang , with the most intense idealisation of me that I’ve ever experienced. There were warning signs such as getting intimate within 1 hour of hooking up , opening up about past childhood abuse / abusive ex boyfriends , that I chose to ignore / minimise . There was a constant flattery and complimenting and mirroring of me that I almost felt uncomfortable with . The sex was good and the whole thing just seemed too good to be true . Within 1 week she had agreed to emigrate with me … Two weeks she was talking about getting married … Three weeks , choosing names for future kids !!.. There seemed to be this “magical ” thinking on her part of how it was meant to be and that I was ” the one ” and that her dead relatives were somehow responsible for bringing us together . After a couple of weeks I noticed her ” mask ” beginning to slip and I realised she had serious anger / emotional difficulties and was dependant on cannabis, nicotine , coffe to keep her calm . There was a total change in attitude from the start where she proclaimed to be a ” traditionalist ” wife to be who only wanted to cook , clean and generally look after her man in exchange for being kept safe .. To say this attitude drastically changed toward the end would be an understatement . Became resentful of me , cold shouldering , emotionally Unavailable and generally not nice to have around. The end came wen she said to me in an arrogant cruel way that ” I need some space for myself “… ( even tho 2 days previous she was telling me she didnt want another guy near her for the rest of her days .i left her house abrubtly because I had become disillusioned and hurt over her complete transformation in a matter of days . In Heinsight she did allude to the fact at the start that she has an alter ego that I wouldn’t like to meet and that was it : the bitch.. Her facial features, changed her posture , and her eyes seemed to go black wen in this “state “… I left anyhow and sent her a long text that I had prepared earlier saying it was over and that she changed from the girl I fell for and that she was treating me dispicably . All I got was a half dozen texts back saying “I was a disgrace ”
      That I dumped her by text , that she was going to marry me etc and then I go and disrespect her … And that was that I never heard , seen or spoke to her again .. In my eyes she displayed the classic “black and white ” thinking , projection and emotionally under developed persona. There was little or no awknowledgment of her treatment toward me and all about how her ” the victim ” was treated by me ” dumping her by text .. I could go on all day as I’m sure u can … The difficult thing about these breakups is there is no closure and even tho ur brain tells u that the person is insane or close to it , u can’t help yearning for them.and they just walk away into the sunset to their next victim

      • Jay-Jay Jaded said

        My uBPDex slept with another man, left me for him. Then when I was broken/trying to move on, she suddenly wanted to sleep with me again (ie: cheat on him) to try and hook me in with sex.

        Soon after (few days after, actually), I started a new relationship. And the uBPDex accuses me of using her for sex, even though it was her who was playing behind the back of the man she cheated on me with.

        The sheer pageantry of the chaos was fantastic.

        She was the horniest woman I’ve ever known besides one other ex, who I also suspect of having BPD. It’s not the frequency of the sex, but the sheer hunger exhibited.

        Even after all that, though, I tried to be there for her over the years. But watching a woman you semi-platonically love try to medicate her messed up emotions with fresh penis (orbiters, online sources), disastrous relationships, and dangerous behaviour takes its toll.

        It’s like watching a train cash in slow motion. I can’t watch her destroy herself. So what other choice does one have but to go NC?

        I told her that she can’t solve her problems with denial and sex, and that I love her. Then left.

  27. Dave said

    Hi there,

    Just stumbled across this site and would love to share my heart wrenching story – I’m still not sure if my ex has bpd or not so please feel free to chime in with your insight as I’d greatly appreciate it.

    My short lived relationship with my ex (4 months) was incredibly intense. The relationship moved at light speed and by November 1st after only 2 and a half months of dating I had moved in with her and her 2 kids. The intensity of the relationship was out of this world. Probably why I choose to ignore so many red flags early on such as 2 kids from 2 different dads and an abortion from a 3rd, openly admitting on our first date that at 37 years old she had never had a relationship last longer than 3 months, bringing her oldest daughter on our first date!, at 37 not having a single thing to her name or a single dollar saved and having filed for bankruptcy recently for being over $72,000 in debt….once again with nothing to show for it the list goes on and on. Like I said I’m not proud of overlooking all these red flags but she was the most attractive woman I had ever met and we were identical in every aspect of our lives. She was SO good at making me feel special, to say she idealized me would be an understatement.

    Unlike so many other people’s experience that I read about she never displayed the raging, abuse, or push pull games. There was some fear of abandonment early on in the relationship but all in all there seemed to be a complete lack of emotion in general. Matter of fact I never saw her once cry or even get upset. If bothered she would just become silent and give me the silent treatment for a day or so.

    Like I said I moved in there on November 1st. On November 27th we had a very minor disagreement over finances once again she became silent and subsequently ended the relationship and asked me to leave. Where was I supposed to go? She didn’t care, she wanted me out. I was COMPLETELY blown away and blindsided. When I moved in with her and her 2 kids I either sold, gave away or thew away absolutely everything that I owned with the exception of my TV and my clothes. So here I was with nothing to my name and she’s just ended it over basically nothing and wants me out. I pleaded and begged for her to think about it and communicate with me but she was adamant…it was over. I was forced to live in a hotel for a week until I could find an apt to rent where moved in December 1st and had to start re building my life – everything from cutlery to a bed to a couch…everything. The most shocking part of it all…she absolutely could of cared less. Not an ounce of sympathy, empathy or remorse. Matter of fact she instantly cut me out of her life in every single way shape and form. I was CRUSHED. To give you an idea of how blindsided I was I sent her a text from work on the morning of November 24. It was a Saturday and I was telling her how excited I was for Christmas and how much I was looking forward to spending it with my new family. How for the first time in a long time I wouldn’t be alone this Christmas. Her exact response to that text was as follows:
    “Hun, you’re not only spending it with a loving family you’ve become a part of this loving family. My girls like my boyfriend so much they want you officially as their father and I’ve found…..finally the one and only for me, my soulmate. Nothing will eve be the same as life as you knew it. This Christmas is so special to us too. To finally have found our guy and spend out first Christmas together!” Like I said that was on Saturday the 24th….the following Monday I was in the hotel…

    Here’s where it gets even worse. Shortly after Christmas (which was one of the hardest days of my life) I realized that I had forgotten my Christmas tree (still boxed) in her crawl space. December was a complete blur and obviously I didn’t decorate it was a matter of taking things hour by hour just trying to get through each day so it just didn’t occur to me until a few days after Christmas. This was my mothers Christmas tree and I lost my mom to cancer 10 years ago so obviously the tree had a tone of sentiment value to me. I sent her a text a few days after Christmas telling her that I left the tree there and asking if when she took down her Christmas stuff she could pull it out and put it outside one day and I would swing by a d pick it up. She said “I’ll drop it off at the front of your apt building”. I said “ok just let me know when you do so I can bring it in”. New Years came and went (when most people take their stuff down) and I never heard from her. I thought well maybe she’s waiting till the weekend. The weekend came and went and once again I didn’t hear from her. I texted her the 1st Monday of January with “are you going to return my mothers tree?”. She said “yes this weekend”. I replied with “would you mind just pulling it out tonight or tomorrow and leaving it outside, even put it on the road by your car it you like. It would take at the most 5 minutes and I just want to get this over with and move on”. She replied with “sorry I don’t have time till the weekend and a tree shouldn’t prevent you from moving on”. Once again I politely responded with “ok just please let me know when you drop it off. I don’t want it sitting out in the rain”. Saturday came and I didn’t hear from her. Sunday came and I still didn’t hear from her. I never heard from her again and she kept the tree. I can not for the life of me make any sense of that. Why in the world would you do something so incredibly hurtful? Why would you keep something so dear to me? It’s the most cruellest, heartless thing I’ve ever had done to me. All from someone who professed their dying love for me, her soulmate, constantly spoke about marriage etc etc. The whole situation devastated me to the core. I wouldn’t wish what I went through on my worst enemy. To be completely cut out of someone’s life almost overnight as if you never even existed in the first place after being SO close to them has been extremely hard for me to accept. I would love some feedback from people that would like to share some of their opinions. Thank you for letting me share my story.

  28. Jim said

    I have been going thru this same situation, she just vanished poof/

  29. Nicko said

    Hi , this blog is a great source of comfort . Met a girl ( who I vaguely knew through her job ) via Facebook . Basically seduced me . Sex on first night at hers , within 1 hour of meeting disclosed about childhood sexual abuse that happened when she was a teen ( 30 now ).. Also spoke of her exes and how 1 in particular beat the crap out of her . I stupidly asked at the time ,bewildered , why would he do that ??. …. ” for nothing “.. Within 3 days I was infatuated , mostly due to the fact she was hot , sex great and she exuded an err of ” down to earthness ” and a “tradionlist”.. At the start overlooked the copius ammounts of coffe , nicotine , cannabis and sensitivity to light . Also psorasis , arthritis , ibs , tension headaches u name it . After 1 week she told me I was ” the one ” , showed me the land ( parents farm ) that we were going to build out ( future ) house . Future names for kids , wedding receptions , vows , wedding dresses discussed ( after 3/4 weeks ). Agreed on a whim to emigrate with me ( after 5 days together ). I went along with it even tho I was slightly perplexed because I was infatuated / obsessed with her and I confused it with love ( in Heinsight ). At times she could be really engaging , soft spoken and romantic . I felt I met my soul mate . But gradually I noticed , firstly with direct relatives , her irritability at trivial issues , childish strops and a trend towards narcissism . Often name dropping ex boyfriends and speaking of sexual encounters with them . Spoke about how when she falls out with someone it’s forever . Stopped speaking to her cousin for a trivial reason and hasn’t spoke in a decade. There was a constant almost rehearsed complimenting of me physically and personally and at the start seemed to be fascinated at my lifestyle and showed an interest in it herself . At the start she said she wanted me to take control of her and that she was a tradionlist and would cook , clean u name it , for me if I kept her safe. Towards the end of our “relationship ” theses were the things that she bizzarely used against me .. That she wasn’t put here to cook for me and criticising ( albeit mildly ) . The end came when during a stupid 12 year old type strop she was having I interjected and said ” I can’t put up with this any longer “. I presume she tool this as a sign of abandonment and proceeded for the next 3 days to sabotage it. Told me she needed space ( 3 days after saying that she didn’t want another guy near her ever again ).. I left the house and sent her an SMS saying its finished and all I got was a barrage of abuse about ” her going to marry me and then I dump her by text “.. No reference wat so ever to her coldness , emotionally distancing , and cruel behaviour in the previous week. Like a fool I tried to win her back throughout the next week . All I got was messages back of self pity and that I broke her trust and that I was a disgrace . I realised then it was all a game for her a long but what motive ?.

  30. Clamato said

    When you finally come to realize that your needs don’t matter and you work your way back to the light of reality, it is tough to swallow that you fell for someone so ill. The sad part is you really cared for this person but you know you must let them go. It is a tough journey, but these people give us the gift of making us realize our own baggage and how we must sort thru it to become whole. It is the only way.

  31. Observer said

    I became involved with a borderline male through the internet. I recently learned from Shari Schreiber’s writings that many bordelines are found looking through love on the net, so be careful. I should have known from the begining that the guy was a boderline, as he is in his forties, was never married, and never seemed to be able to sustain a long term relationship. Another tip-off was when he’d say if I moved to be with him, we could have our own separate houses. I kind of got the hint after that, and lost a bit of interest as I did not envision living in a separate dwelling. Anyhow, from what I learned, this guy had a borderline type mother, and my mother is a borderline as well, which is probably what keeps drawing me to men like him. I never realised it until now, the pattern I’ve been following of “rescuing” these waif types of male borderlines who only become more abusive and mean the more you get close to them or try to help them. Anyhow, this guy, I was very attracted to him, as we shared some common emotional ties regarding our childhoods, and we were well-paired intellectually, but his emotional instability is what I could not take anymore. I really tried, for many months, to give him one chance after another. When things were going good, he would sabotage things by doing something outlandish. He often blocked me on internet accounts, like facebook, after having some childish outburt out of the blue. I could never predict when he would “go off,” which is exactly what my mother is still like to this day. He would also harass me to try and do things I didn’t really want to, which is something the borderline has in common with antisocials — they try and force things on you or do things against your very nature. I eventually got so fed up that I had to break off contact when he did the whole sabotage thing again for the fourth or fifth time. I couldn’t take it anymore. Funny thing is, to protect himself from being abandoned, he again deleted me out of his life before I had a chance to respond. What he did to me repeatedly stressed me out to the point that I coudn’t even eat for a while; I actually had to teach myself to swallow food. It’s as if my body was in shock, and I couldn’t even trust myself due to the way he pulled the rug out from under me again and again, just like my mother still does to this very day. Even funner thing is, just a few days ago, he has been contacting me again, saying he misses me…but I know now that I cannot ever respond him again, no matter how attractive I may find him. It hurts to know how tormented he probably is, but at the same time, I agree with others here that borderlines are just behave so evil at times, it’s as if they know what they are doing. So right now I don’t even log into my account because I know he’s contacting me, and I have to stay away or else I may respond. I have to have a very strict self-control now and not be dragged back into that madness. I totally sympthise with anyone who has had a romantic so-called relationship with a borderline. It truly is a living nightmare and unlike any other normal type of relationship. I think a relationship with an alcoholic or even a sociopath would be less stressful than with a borderline, lol. I’m not kidding. At least with the alcoholic they just want to drink, and with the sociopath, they’re at least going to pretend to be nice to get what they want. With a borderline, it’s just so much antagonism, anger, and destructiveness. I feel so sorry for all of the victims here and hope you heal from your hurt. I also hope our borderlines heal, but it’s up to them to want to do this. We cannot change them. Ever since my break-up I’ve been slowly working on myself to get better, and believe me, it takes a very, very long time. Good luck everyone.

    • Alestri said

      Hello Observer,
      Your post resonates with me. I was involved with with whom I believe is borderline. However, has not been diagnosed as such. At one point she’d sought he’ll from a psychiatrist and was diagnosed with Bipolar? I believe she was likely miss-diagnosed and I understand that bpd in fact is challenging to tease out as the primary issue.. she may be both?
      What is so astonishing to me are the many similarities shared with others such as, great sex, disclosing personal info at first meeting, getting sick within a few months after meeting. In addition, the push-pull, “I hate you don’t leave me” behavior. I remember at least 10 x this person would kick me out of her life either verbally, or physically, or both. Since I ha no experience with this disorder I was blind to the writing on the wall. She seduced me, asked all the right questions, said all the right things and wooed me with playing very suggestive music hoping I would get the underlying message. Well, needless to say, I did. Because I had issues around codependency and was incredibly attracted on a number of levels, I took all the abuse: the mean tone, the bossiness, the sabotage, the regular comments telling me who I was and what my reality was a out. Now I think that much of the way she talked to was a projection of ways in which she felt about herself. What I do know is the rel. elicited the worst behavior from both and a lot of it was old wounding and trauma from the past that we triggered in one another as though those events were present day.
      In the beginning I was the best thing since sliced bread. And then I would be devalued to a point of cruelty and that could happen in the same few hours! I made choices to do whatever she asked no matter what it was. Basically, she treated me like a dog: come, lay here, now roll over play dead, putting me out as a punishment for bad behavior or disobedience. Actually, she often treated her dog better than she did me.
      At this point, I am perplexed on so many levels. How is I that I let so done great me so badly? How was I seduced beyond self recognition? How is it that she looks together, she works hard, and seems to communicate who she is and what she wants? When in actuality, in retrospect, I feel the level to which she was out of touch with herself and that she needed continual professional help, among others was well hidden from family and friends.
      The kicker is that I really did/do love her. She definitely put a dimple in my heart. After two years, I am still in the process of healing and searching for understanding as to how I got myself into it in the first place. I feel I was caught in a snare. Also, she wielded a smear campaign blaming me for EVERYTHING and everyone outside believes it to this day I am sure.
      My last question is how does someone seemingly skate by under the radar, so to speak with the level o un-wellness and in a sense taking maleable prisoners along the way? She ended the relationship via the phone her voice was vengeful and she said, “I’ve met someone and I am moving on.” I was blown away, deeply hurt and angry in part because just 5 days before she professed to love me? I don’t know there must be some kind of manual accessible to those with this disorder as the behavior is so common across the board written in the posts here and beyond.
      Needless to say, after my feeble attempts to reach her she let me know 2 mos ago I was not to contact her again. I imagine she’s got some other fool who is wowed by her beauty, intelligence and serious skill at seducing. I don’t think I will ever fully understand what the hell happened at this point it sesons as I though I survived being in the eye of a raging storm and she’s great off to the next one. The ability to cut someone out is frightening and evidently effective.
      And, of course, I played my part as well but man is it complicated to sort out what it was about me that got into the rel to begin with? I was stupid at the time and being educated in a truly painful way. It’s kind of being left with the wreckage. God only knows how long it will take for me to our the pieces back together and feel relief that I am one that got away. It’s scary how someone can be so cruel and punishing and take no responsibility whatsoever? I guess there are reasons she’s not been married, has a series of failed rel and has very few friends?
      Two + years later and I am still crying and searching for greater understanding. And I am certain there will not be a next time as I’ve been given a lesson that has seriously altered my life.
      Please, if you could offer input or share more if your experience it would be greatly appreciated,
      Thanks for taking the time to read this outpouring lookin for answers.

  32. Dave said

    Whew!! I’m about 3 months out of the absolutely craziest relationship I’ve ever been in. We were together for a complete year. Our first date was on Feb 15th and she broke up a year later, on Feb 15th. So many strange things going on in that relationship. In some cases, it was like she was writing a playbook at times.

    Before I go on, a brief history of me. I was 16 years into my marriage when I went to Afghanistan. I came home, my dad died a few months later and found out my wife had been sleeping with her co-worker (who was also a family friend) while I was off in the desert. Once my ex moved out, I chilled for a while and raked up the charred remains of my self-esteem, got the kids settled and finalized the divorce, altogether about 8 months or so. I had jumped on the dating sites, like many others do, ‘met’ a few women but none of them were really lighting the flame, so to speak. Then there came, ‘Cassie’, and oh boy, the fun started.

    Cassie was also just out of a LTM, nearly as long as I was. (We’re both in our 40s) We were living on opposite ends of the city and would get together as much as we could, given we both had kiddos.

    Cleaned up, she’s a very pretty lady and presents very well.

    I would spend ALL night narrating all the mystic and crazy making behavior I endured, as well as the so-called ‘red flags’ she planted in front of me, which I summarily ignored, much to my own detriment. I’ll just laundry list some of the things I ran into over the course of the year:
    – She is a red headed cancer (astrology) girl
    – Breast implants (breast implants were very well, um, implanted…no scarring). Her childhood best friend has implants as well. She showed them to me.
    – Tattoos on calf and toe (despite the breast implants and tattoos, she dresses very stylishly, much like any working urban wife with kids)
    – Crazy sex
    – Rigid opinions (Her way or the highway…no compromise)
    – No hobbies, goals or aspirations
    – Keeps Vodka stock prices high: 3 dirty martinis in an hour and a half and could still walk a straight line out of the bar on 4″ heels
    – Bad childhood: Her earliest memory was laying next to her mom in bed with another man – besides her father – on top of her mother. Her mom would then go drag her dad out of the bar. Oddly, she had later invited me out to her parent’s house while they were out of town and we had sex on her mother’s bed. Admittedly, it was weird, and kinda made me think she was getting back at mommy
    – Turbulent relationship with her mother: Her mom would hang up on her and ignore her for a while
    – Her dad was kinda ‘disengaged’…
    – She didn’t care what her parent’s thought
    – When the ‘relationship’ talk came up, she felt like she might mess it up. This was the #1 ‘run now’ indicator I dismissed
    – She was a teenage mom and the father burned rubber on her
    – Parents eventually kicked her out of the house with the baby and lived with the father’s grandmother
    – Father of said baby comes back, wants on the birth certificate and ordered to pay CS, which he does not.
    – She sued the father for unpaid CS about 10 years later as a means for money to divorce her husband and is awarded ~ $34K. The father didn’t have stable employment and committed suicide 2 months after the judgment. Living with guilt???
    – She partied in strip clubs between high school and her marriage
    – Stated she doesn’t know if she ever loved her husband
    – Made comments every once in a while about how drinking was better than being on meds. Also, I was getting frustrated with her push/pull antics and she told me I should take some…the pills take the edge off.
    – Deflected direct communication better than most congressmen
    – The closer I felt I was getting to her, the more she seemingly pulled away.
    – Once we started seeing each other more often, and after I had met her kids, I could ‘feel’ tension and anxiety in her place when I would come over
    – At one point, she mentioned that relationships are all about the chase
    – CONSTANTLY referred to how other men found her attractive or whenever a male did something ‘nice’ for her
    – There’s flirting and then there’s FLIRTING. She is the latter. This ultimately drove some jealousy issues in me based on MY issues. Funny thing is, she knew my ex cheated. Makes me think she used my insecurities against me. I walked on her twice for this…we patched things up a day or two later each time
    – Denied ever saying certain things
    – A ‘nurse friend’ of hers thought she might have Celiac Disease
    – Fell asleep with the radio on (maybe to calm a busy mind)
    – Insomnia
    – Made reference to her OCD and ADHD. Oddly, I never really sensed either of those in her
    – Lip biting. Her lips were well picked at. She was a hell of a kisser though
    – Possible cutting??? We slept at my place one evening and when I woke up the next morning, I was ‘bingo time’ for work. All I had time for was a shower and coffee before having to go, but she wanted to have sex. I stood my ground and jumped in the shower. When I came out, she was on the bed crying. I tried to console her but she stormed into the shower herself. When finished, she told me how she cut herself shaving her leg. Although she said it was an accident, I was married for 17 years and NEVER saw my ex cut herself that way. The cut was on her shin, about 4″ below the knee. What made this remarkable was the fact that the cut was the entire width of the razor. I dismissed it at the time, but thought about it later when I started looking at BPD.
    – Devaluation, suspected cheating, then dumped me on Feb 15th.
    – She moved on two weeks later after a year long (chaotic) relationship

    I could go on with more details, but one of the overarching things I ignored throughout the relationship was, quite honestly, my gut. Never again.

  33. D said

    I would appreciate your advice. I met a woman and fell in love 2 years ago. She travels a huge amount and was involved with someone during the first year so things were quite chaotic. We always kept in touch by email. We always remained kind and gentle with each other. But there was alot of hot and cold stuff as well. Finally a year ago she made the decision to move to my country and in with me. During this time I had no idea but I recently found out she has been diagnosed with PTSD. We lived together for year, introduced each other to family etc. Last February she had to go to India for 1 months work and decided to travel the country for the next 4 months. We made plans to be together during the whole summer. She also decided to move to my town and start college here in the fall. We kept on touch every day and suddenly inexplicably in March she went into a Vipassana meditation retreat, came out and “broke up with me” by email but also sent a raft of other emails with mixed messages. There were angry email exchanges which have now deescalated into more cordial warm messages. i finally went to a psychologist and told the whole story because to be honest I was feeling extremely bewildered and shell shocked by her behaviour. The psychologist suggested borderline personality disorder. In the last 4 years her father has died (who she adored), she suffered brain injury from a car accident, she completed 3 degrees but as of yet has not been in employment save for short term waitressing jobs. She has spent in total about 1 year and a half traveling around India on her own. She does not get on very well with her mother. Mother has new boyfriend who lives in the family home. I have come to the conclusion that she needs therapy of some kind. (Currently she takes no medication and follows no therapy). I have also come to the conclusion that If I try to pursue a relationship with her it is doomed to failure unless she acknowledges and pursues some therapy. My question is this. how do I communicate with her without making her feel like a “damaged” person and how do I bring up the subject of therapy? 90 percent of the time we are together it is blissfully peaceful and happy, 10 percent is a nighmare. She says and does incredibly hurtful things when there is a seperation. She feels a desperate need to travel yet isn’t taking cohesive steps to find some kind of stability job wise or lifewise. She does not know which job she wants and her ideas change frequently. And to put it further into perspective, last december we were close to having children. February she told me how much she loved me. March, April, I am “no longer in her future, never a couple”, May-“I’ll see you soon, I think about you alot, I miss you deeply”. I don’t think anybody could have a relationship like this, and I know I need to put some boundaries somewhere. Going to the psychologist was incredibly helpful as well. It was like a veil had been lifted from eyes. I had previously no experience of mental illness and for that reason her behaviour was really driving me close to insanity. Having lived a year with her I also realised that my behaviour could be quite detrimental to her. I was going through an extremely stressful period in college/ combined with work. I was drinking too much alchohol in order to cope. When I say too much I mean a bottle of wine a night. Not total drunkenness but not healthy either.
    A number of factors give me slight hope. She said she we were drinking too much alcohol and it made her uncomfortable. She said she wasn’t doing enough exercise. When she was in India she started meditating heavily. She also said last year she believed she was emotionally damaged. There have been times when I have lashed out at her. I always immediately apologised but having read more on PTSD and BPD I understand that my behaviour was the opposite of what was required or healthy for someone like her. I believe she is trying to do what she can to lead a balanced healthy life. There has never been a shouting match between us, never verbal abuse. But I also think travelling around India on her own alot of the time and having huge excesses of time to think isn’t really a great idea for her and leads to alot of strange disassociated mixed messages. As i say I’m very close to staying on friendly terms and walking away. I can’t see my life working with someone who is so unstable in every way. But seeing what look like efforts on her part to work on herself I don’t want to drop her further down a dark well. Neither do I want to become a care giver for the rest of my life. I would like to find a way of getting her into the appropriate treatment because it seems like I am the only person in her life who thinks she needs it.

    • savorydish said

      Hi D,

      Your story resonates with all of us who have gone through the same relationship. Your head sounds like its in the right place, but realize that no one can get her to seek therapy. You can go out of your way to not make her feel damaged, but the fact is she is damaged. Sadly, borderlines are like addicts. They stay in denial until they hit rock bottom. My ex would often turn to feminism and reading/writing to “heal” her wounds. But as we both know, only years and years of treatment will change her behavior. But even then, she will never really find a cure. There is no cure for BPD. There is only managing the disorder and staying out of relationships until such time that the borderline is no longer causing emotional harm to others.

      Best of luck,
      SD

  34. makingsenseofitall said

    I stumbled across this website after doing some research into BPD, and I feel so relieved knowing that their are others that can relate to my pain. I am currently in a 6 year marriage to a woman that fits the profile of BPD to the tee.

    I recently found out about my wife’s string of extra-marital affairs that started a few months after we got married, and continued until I caught her with the hands in the cookie jar.

    Our courtship was amazing. I couldn’t believe my luck, she was everything I ever dreamed of and more. I thought I found my soulmate.

    Immediately after we tied the knot things suddenly spiraled downward in a very bad way. She started to alienate me from my friends and family. She started verbally abusing me, then physically abusing me. I felt depressed and wished that life would end.

    I soon reached my breaking point and decided to end the marriage. Pretty soon after we spoke about divorce, she fell pregnant and I made the mistake of sticking around for the sake of my child.

    The abuse got worse, the humiliation escalated. The sex virtually stopped. She kicked me out of the house for a few weeks at a time every few months.

    And again, when I reached my limit and I was walking out the door she told me she was pregnant again.

    Its now a year after my daughter was born. A month ago I found out about the affairs.

    I know I should leave this poisonous woman but I can’t bare the thought of abandoning my kids. And the funny thing is, I still love her. I feel so pathetic and weak. I can’t understand why I cant be man enough to get away from this abuse.

    • savorydish said

      Loving a woman with BPD does not make you less of a man. It makes you a codependent with a history of such relationships. Breaking the repeating cycle will take work and time. Be kind to yourself. That is the beginning of healing yourself.

  35. Gary said

    I read with great interest the article and comments above. My wife has, I believe undiagnosed BPD. I was married for nearly 27 years when my wife left our kids (ages 11, 13 and 18) and filed for divorce after getting into a romantic relationship with another man, what happened to be a family friend. She was a committed Christian, as was I. Prior to our marriage, neither of us had been involved in any serious romantic relationships. There were no affairs, domestic violence, etc., in our marriage. Prior to this affair we had never separated or discussed divorce. I was self-employed; she took care of the kids (first child 9 years into our marriage) and house, pretty much did what she wanted after the kids were older.
    Were there were frustrations and problems in our marriage? Yes. The pressures of running a small business, 3 children, and all that goes with 2 imperfect people trying to work through this life together did at times seem impossible and we were both miserable and frustrated as well. Did I ever think either one of us would leave and divorce, no, never. I felt the bond between us, the commitments we had made and our kids would be important enough that divorce would never be a choice either one of us would make.
    I was wrong. Once I became aware there might be more than casual family friendship between my wife and our family friend, I confronted her and him, both denying it. But….I knew there had to be more. So many things like anger, frustration, disappointments, etc., had built up over the years between my wife and I that I felt unable to confront and deal with. I felt emotionally distant from her and as if I was in a parent child relationship. I believed she had mental problems, but she would never allow herself to be evaluated or treated in any way. There was a history of mental problems (Bi-Polar type disorders) her mother’s side of the family.
    My wife filed for divorce over 2.5 years ago, and the proceedings are still going on. I was forced to sell my small business to be there for the kids and also due to 3 major back surgeries in the past 3 years. I started researching different forms of mental illness to try to find rational reasons something like this could happen in our lives so suddenly after all the years together and without consideration of the devastation it would cause our children, family, friends, let alone everything else we had worked for in life. Bi Polar came the closest until I started looking into BPD. I was amazed, the stories, the descriptions were my life.
    Unfortunately, by the time I found out there was more than a platonic friendship between her and the other man, it was too late, she would not agree to any sort of counseling or to even stop seeing him to allow for us to work on our marriage. Her new boyfriend rented a converted garage apartment from my mother, who conveniently lived nearby and who she would regularly stop in and see, often with the kids.
    Within a few weeks everything in our lives changed. She was now expressing great anger and hate towards me in every way, claiming God was actually responsible for her new relationship with this man, that he had brought him into her life to save her and make her happy. She stated 90 percent of her previously held beliefs were all a lie I had put on her, and that she was seeing visions and hearing all these new truths from God. She had turned into the most vengeful and hateful person I could ever imagine. She has now accused me of just about anything you could imagine.
    The kids stayed with me when she moved out. They are deeply hurt as they considered her boyfriend a close family friend as well, as they had known him for years and were now shattered and angry at what they saw as his betrayal. There have been numerous conflict with their mother and them, and there mother is unrepentant about any of what has happened, which is not surprising, as she was never in fault for anything. Now they tend to put most of the blame on the boyfriend I believe as a way of accepting there mother and having some sort of relationship with her, but it is strained and uncertain what will happen when they see each other.
    My wife has never worked and has not marketable skill (singer, artist, creating type, also very attractive), so I am also looking at having to fully support her for potentially the rest of her life. This has been and is the most horrible time of life I could have ever imagined. Everything we have worked 30 plus years for is down the drain. My oldest child has moved out, but the youngest (14 and 15) I have primary custody of and are having a very difficult time. There mother has been living with the boyfriend for some time now, but tells the kids she lives with a female friend. I struggle daily as I keep running though the event of our lives together and can never make sense of how bad things all went. No one could understand the intensity of the pain unless they go through something like this, so that is how I found this site. I am interested in hearing about others experiences with BPD and for advice on how to deal with it all, to heal and move on in life. Thanks for listening,
    Gary

  36. Lisa said

    I have met a guy diagnosed with BPD, and since a couple of days, I am in NC with him. I have never met him IRL, but we had a flirt online.

    He contacted me on facebook and seemed really nice, kind, smart and attractive. He told me he was separated, that he had moved out of the house last year and was waiting to finalize his divorce in 2 months. He and his ex co-parented and evyrything was fine.

    We started flirting online and got really close during these couple of months, but everything with him was like this roller coaster. If I said something he didn´t like, or if I set a healthy boundary or disagreed with him, he broke it off with me, and I was sad. But he always came back after a couple of days, telling me he missed me and that he wanted to continue writing and messaging.

    After two months, I was exhausted. The fact that he broke it off all the time, and that I caught him lying on several occasions, coupled with the fact that it turned out he wasn´t separated at all – he lived with his wife – made me ending this contact with him. And then he told me he had been diagnosed with BPD 2 years ago, after an incident when he ended up in hospital after hurting himself. Suddenly everything made sense to me – the stormy interaction, the lying, the fact that he was cheating on his wife and NOT being single at all. A lot of other weird stuff too.

    We spoke on the phone twice during this time, and the first time we spoke for hours. We had so much in common, but towards the end I noticed that he seemed intoxicated by something. His voice had changed, and he didn´t remember what I had told him and he asked the same thing 3 times. Then it turned out that he had been drinking during that whole phone call as he had been so nervous talking to me. When I asked him about it, he got really upset and even deleted me from his freind´s list on facebook and shut down everything. But of course, he was back a couple of hours later. He told me this was a one time thing only, but I asked him to just “be friends” after this.

    Then I tried to be friends with him for one more month, and during this time, he asked to phone me once again, only to stand me up. It once again turned out that he had been drinking and didn´t even remember that he had asked to phone me. That was the final straw for me. After three months with this guy online, I was exhausted, tired, sad, confused and in pain. I felt unattractive and used.

    He is constantly on facebook, flirting with women, and he has this “harem” around him. I´m no longer in this harem, since he blocked me after I told him that I did´t want to be in contact very much anymore.

    So, there are male borderlines out there. They are charming and interesting, but it´s hell to even be involved with them. Everything with him seemed empty and cold after the initial storm of passionate messages. I am moving on. I am sad, but at the same time it´s a relief to be without this guy, and I know he found a replacement for me within hours of me ending this contact. Thanks for reading. I will continue on my own, and hopefully, I´ll find someone healthier after mourning this.

  37. Lisa said

    Thank you. I have wondered about his narcissistic traits too. The weird thing is, he seemed really “normal” in the beginning. But once we got closer, the crazy stuff started. I feel sick right now. I know I will learn a lot from this, but right now, I feel I wasted 3 months on this person and it scares me, this. The women in his “harem” don´t know how sick he is. They think he is a dream guy come true. But the ones that get close, will get a different picture of him.

    • savorydish said

      Yep. That’s how they operate. It’s all an illusion to draw you in. And when you reject the real BP, they delete you from existence. Consider yourself lucky. It’s a healthy sign that you rejected his BP ways.

      My ex had guy friends she would keep around just in case.

  38. Tired McAnnoyed said

    I’ve been doing a lot of reading on the internet, so feel relatively informed now. I read through this entire page and another one the pages on your blog here.

    I don’t know where to begin, so I’m just going to start writing from the beginning. Please forgive what I assume will be verbose, for the sake of completeness.

    I met a girl about eight years ago. I was really, really drawn to her. I mean, I was extremely attracted to her. No particular reason why, but I was. We dated for a short period time, but then I moved away. We maintained the relationship for nearly a year, meeting up and spending extended periods of time together. It was perfect. I realized one day, to my own surprise, that I was in love with her and that I wanted to marry her.

    I soon asked her to marry me. She said no and we had our first fight. I didn’t understand it. She acted crazy. Until that point, she was “perfect” — but, really, now I know she had been suppressing her identity and trying to be “perfect” for me. She started yelling and insulting me. These were things I had never, ever seen in her. I broke up with her. She tried to get back and I said no.

    A couple years later, we found ourselves in the same place at the same time. We started talking a bit. We reconnected. I was so excited to have her back in my life. After all, she was the only woman I had ever asked to marry.

    Almost immediately there were some arguments in which she inexplicably yelled, causing scenes in public. They weren’t that extreme (compared to now), but because I thought perhaps my overly rigid standards had caused me to part from her previously, I decided to be more flexible, more tolerant of this yelling/combative behavior. In short, I compromised my boundaries. To those dealing with someone w/ BPD, you know that was an obvious mistake. The boundary was pushed further and further back over the course of the next few years.

    Something odd, the worst of the absolute worst fights (in which she called me and my family horrible names) ensued the day before she would break some terrible or some life-altering news. I suppose it was a defense mechanism. One of the worst occasions came the day before she informed me that her job had suddenly decided not to pursue the work visa they were going to get her. She is a foreign national. So suddenly, the day after I thought we are breaking up and move out, I was faced with the dilemma of breaking up with her and never seeing her again or immediately getting married to ensure she can remain in the country. Well, I had wanted to marry her and, well, I was pained with the fear that I was about to make the same ‘mistake
    I had made a few years before when I broke up with her that I agreed and we married at a local courthouse.

    Because the event was so sudden, I suggested it might be best not to allow this to radically alter our relationship. She agreed. However, immediately, she started harassing me as being an inadequate husband and introducing me as her husband. So, I got sucked in. I internalized it. Over the next year and half, we had many terrible fights. Before moving in with her, I had so much patience and inner tranquility that, although w/ no training and no cultural or linguistic background, I used to scold Buddhists monks in their own local language (or even silently) and guide them or out-meditate them. The point being, that I used to have a lot of patience. I did not respond in kind. I did not get violent. I tried to leave the room. She accused me of checking out or not working w/ her. So, in that way, I was manipulated into standing still while she shrilled in my face. I mean this little girl got so loud that I feel the vibrations and her yelling and screaming was more violent than any contact violence I have ever felt. (and I used to play a violent sport) I could feel the ripples in the air as she unleashed on me. The yelling, screaming and fights intensified over the months and years. Added to that were now insults. Of course, these events were usually followed by long periods of relative calm. Most reading this probably know the pattern, but I include for others who like me, might be relatively new to this realization.

    At any rate, over the course of these many, and increasingly more intense fights, I many times asked her to move out–in deed, begging her because I sensed she was sabotaging my future career (I was in a professional degree program). She buckled down and refused. I eventually thought, ‘Well, maybe this is her commitment to the relationship…no matter what, she refuses to leave.’ I mistook that as comittment and decided to be fully committed / fully invested going forward.

    Not long after I mentally committed more fully, she started having an affair. She was going out a lot w/ some random people (and, of course, never inviting me along), but it turned out to be a new guy at her work. Ironically, the first time she mentioned this guy, my immediate response to her was that the guy sounded like a “sleaze ball”. Because I thought she was perhaps a bit naïve or inexperienced, I thought it worthwhile to warn her. Of course he was sleazy. I won’t go into how I knew, but I will say I had never said anything of the like to her before. Also, he is married w/ children and, in addition to some tell-tale signs of sleaziness that I wont go into, she came home really drunk from hanging out with him in subsequent times (highly unusual for her, as I suspect she does not like to lose control).

    Eventually, the affair became known to me and then began an insane period of my life. She attacked me at my core and I lost all will to live. I dropped out of school because I could not focus. I used up my savings to support myself in the meantime and eventually went into some credit card debt to pay for the divorce lawyer.

    Just before the divorce was to be finalized, she started bashing her head into the wall to the point that she needed stitches, and tried to jump off the roof. I do not think it was a fake attempt. That night, we had a heart-to-heart (or so I thought) and made some resolutions going forward. Her only promise was to put “her” money (admittedly that she had worked for, but during the marriage and with my support and sacrifice) into a joint account. That was it. There were a number of reasons for this, including as a trust-building exercise for both of us. (Keep in mind, — though I didn’t want everything, had I had gone through with the divorce, I would have got everything she had in her accounts–everything. So, it didn’t seem like much risk to simply have a joint account — and she had readily agreed to split the account w/ me before we reconciled.)

    Fast forward a year and, while she closed two joint accounts we had together, she never put the money in a joint account. She did, finally, after the years, fly w/ me to meet my family. It went over perfectly. But, as soon as the holidays were over, madness started again. Over the last year and a half or so, the raging violent outbursts, have also gotten to be physically violent.

    Recently, as she was raging at 4:30 am, one of our neighbors (in an apartment complex) called the police. I managed to squelch it — which is fortunate for her because I was trying to ensure she is not arrested so as not to exasperate her lawful immigration status. She has recently threatened to do “something horrible” to me. In short, it has gotten abusive. We have finally, in the last month or so, gotten into a couples therapy situation (though I hold little hope) and she has engaged a therapist (but, I hold even less hope for this, as it is parent of her friend and it is done over the phone…so…)

    Anyway, this is where I am now. It’s painful, because I care about her. But, more importantly, as I read more and more about BPD, I am afraid to approach her. I am concerned that she has become really delusional, is really projecting some scary stuff, and, because I have left the apartment (packed a small bag and just left. … I’m still paying my share of the rent, the apt is in my name only and she wont leave). I am genuinely afraid to ask her to move out or to end it. I am afraid that she will carry out her threat. I really, really don’t want to escalate the situation (and I do sympathize w/ her undiagnosed but super-obvious illness) with legal proceedings (as in, e.g, a protective order and forceful eviction), but I fear that she might do something of the sort to me first (and some wise friends have warned me of the race to the courthouse). She is so enraged and out of control that I’m afraid she doesn’t realize that if she does try to battle w/ me there, she will lose badly (but not before we both go through hell).

    So, I’m currently living out of my/our home. I fear that too long of loneliness will just lead her to another man…but, I know that shouldn’t be my concern. It’s not so much even jealousy, but rather a mixture of curiosity and concern. I’m wondering what the best approach is to ensuring she returns to the ‘honeymoon’ / normalcy phase so that I might have a chance to have a rational conversation regarding moving forward. I am too afraid to try a conversation with her in her, what I could only call, her ‘fugue state’.

    Interestingly, in our first (and only) couples session last week, she referenced not knowing who she is or losing her sense of identity. I hadn’t seen that aspect of BPD manifesting with her until now, or just hadn’t noticed.

    So, at the moment, I am essentially displaced from my home and trying so hard not to let my life fall apart again. My (future) career is fairly well wrecked (as I’ve been dealing with her condition for all these years, although I was not really aware of what was happening until now), I have no savings, and no real support network where I live (as her neediness kept me from making many friends and my absence from school means the few friends I made in this new city have since graduated and moved away…or are tired of hearing about the drama that is my life).

    Until now, I didn’t really understand that this is a mental *illness*. I thought it was just a bad personality, or more recently a personality disorder. Only now do I realize this is a true illness. She is not in full contact with reality. During the counseling session I’m talking about her emotional, verbal and physical abuse and, recently, of locking me out of the apartment without my eyeglasses (which she knocked off my face), wallet, phone, or shoes and she’s talking about that I’m too cluttered for her liking. It was amazing. While the recently escalating abuse was making me reach my outer, outer limits, locking me out of the apartment (I had to call the apartment management and have them forcefully open the door) finally went too far. The police officer who responded to the call (employed off duty by the apartment complex) asked me if she was on medication and when I said no, stated that she should be. However, the officer also warned me about the additional problems she could cause me if I’m not careful and recommended I get a protective order and have her forcibly removed if necessary.

    Besides the recommendation of “Run”, I wonder if some could please give me some advice as to how to deal with things, at least in the very immediate interim. My main question is how to go forward right now as to perhaps get her into her *right frame of mind* in order to make any uncomfortable conversations less insane.

    I still welcome more long term solutions, but I want to know how to best go about in the immediate, short term to avoid major potential problems (feel free to read between the lines).

    In addition to long term suggestions for me (including getting out, etc.), I wonder if and how is the best way to point her toward some fruitful path of therapy and recovery (with or without me). I was very hopeful that the couples counseling might be a path for getting a BPD diagnosis that might help her have an Aha moment…

    One more thing, she has hunkered down in the bedroom and left me the living room. I wonder how stupid it might be of me to try to move back in. I sense some ‘weakening’ / ‘melting’ on her part and it’s been a week and a half since the last episode that cause me to leave, which is usually enough time for her to return to the land of the sane. Of course, usually, part of that return includes some unconditional love/acceptance on my part where in, despite her display of cold hostility, I go up to her and give her a hug. That usually melts her and she returns to the land of the sane. But, I’m too tired and annoyed from this last time to even try. I.am.so.tired.

    I’m also tired of living out of a bag and miss the comfort of my own home.

    *sigh*

    Thoughts?

    (Oh, and thanks very much for operating this site. I would like to imagine that one day I might pay it forward, but really I feel so tired right now that I couldn’t even imagine it. But, thank you SavoryDish!)

    • savorydish said

      You’re more than welcome. You have a very difficult situation. I realize you have limited resources and you are trying to deal with this situation on your own. But I’m afraid there is no easy answer. You must immediately lose any notion that you can save her or guide her into treatment. This is what entangled you in this mess in the first place. You must cut your losses and leave immediately. Cut off all contact because the longer you stay the more you will damage your own well-being. This is not the advice you want to hear but it’s the advice you need to hear. Good luck.

  39. wizard said

    savorydish is right. The first belief you have to eliminate is the notion that you can help her. You can’t. I know that’s not an easy thing to deal with – especially when you’ve been in a long-term relationship. But the problem is that you’ve become so enmeshed in the situation, you can’t tell right from left or up from down.

    We become ‘enmeshed’ in the personality disorders of others because personality disorders are designed to work that way. They cannot exist on their own. They need emotional energy to feed off of, and WE provide that energy. They cannot exist in a vacuum.

    • savorydish said

      That’s exactly right. They feed of that caring energy. There are no boundaries and no consequences. That is why she acts the way she does. Once you confront her she will most likely run for the hills.

  40. parker said

    I have recently learnt my ex has been diagnosed with BPD, I was wondering if I could share with you something I had written?

    Borderline

    She was beautiful, this was indisputable
    Though her beauty was not paved in the conventional normalities of a finally structured building
    She was not sculpted to exude the charismatic qualities a man believes every woman should possess
    She was wild, untamed, unrefined and still to the world she was contained
    And I wonder, was she merely a temptress who stole hearts in the night?
    An actress whose role I would witness diminish when the curtains fell?
    A callous child who knew not to love but to take,
    But how I loved this oxymoronic tragedy

    I would witness the admirers following her charm without question
    And she would claim blindness in her observation
    Her naïve charm enticing me endlessly, though the danger in her eyes told me she knew
    The eyes of a monstrous angel flirting with me, eluding her ephemeral existence with me
    And I clung to this, like any other man, because I believed
    Only I had seen the demons that plagued her
    And though she whispered in angered hate that I could not save her
    I believed naively like the masses of hopeless romantics before, love would be enough

    I believed I excited her, a rarity a cynical man now questions
    Her laughter and passion became the drug one must take with caution,
    Though there is no instruction manual to the ever wanting hearts intoxication
    And in the darkness as she clung to me I felt the intimacy one craves
    To be needed, her desperation feeding me as she ran from the unremitting demons
    The shadows stalking her, a troubled child with the scepticism of the elderly
    With troubled eyes that knew war inside of brick walls, a child claimed morality
    And I became her protector, and I ask now how did I believe I could protect such a wild creature?
    In time the turbulence emerged, the character she wore like a second skin
    A rage of uncertainty when I loved her with too much, a rage of defiance when I loved not enough
    A burning cage and she danced in the flames, I wondered through the absurdities
    How would such a man be accustomed to this insanity without being burnt?
    How could I love and endure the searing heat without harm,
    If I were to put out such a fire what would become of this untamed beauty?
    And I bore witness to the burning of her, the pain and confusion, the madness I loved
    And my heart bled as the flames diminished, and she would fall into my arms exhausted

    She knew no middle ground, a maelstrom of emotion
    A tidal wave that I had fallen victim to, an addiction I could not escape
    In her self righteousness she would leave with such ease I questioned her love
    And I vowed incessantly, never would I willingly enter such destruction and chaos
    And each time I became weaker as she would return without warning
    As though the intolerable wreck we had become was merely a figment of my imagination
    An illusion I had created in boredom, and I was the mad man
    Still I drank her poison as she kissed me

    I wanted to believe the emptiness inside of her would eventually demise with my love
    Though I too witnessed the shadows of uncertainty within my sanity,
    I often prayed for rain clouds, an indication of a storm ahead,
    Though never was there warning, the intense heat or frost in an instant
    A tired old man, watching and waiting unbeknown to me how to dress or act from moment to moment
    And for a second I would be engulfed by the warmth that I craved so desperately
    Believing foolishly until the calamity of the river would change

    How much love could I give to such a wild thing? A lone suicidal mission
    Was this love? Was this destructive passion real or another façade?
    How could such mundane circumstances anger such a rarity?
    Perhaps she was the trapped prey and the tiger that taunted,
    She had built the cage she called her world, the bars spaced far enough
    To taste and touch such bitter sweet misery and beauty
    Though spaced never far enough to enter, though they were smart in there deception
    So many men, like I, had fallen accustomed to the belief I too was within her realm

    And in the still of the night, without warning she left
    Like a thief she had taken my heart, my world shattered in the wake of daylight destruction
    A world of a million pieces I lacked strength and knowledge to put back together
    Bewildered in her absence, I was given only indifference by this stranger
    A courteous conversation, I despised her eloquent wording as I questioned her departure
    And my heart raced in the silence as I waited for her the words that would haunt me eternally
    I have met someone new, don’t hate me, goodbye.

  41. parker said

    No problem SD, I am glad I have found a place where people have been through the same experience as me, this is my first time visiting and already I feel so much better reading peoples stories and realising that all of this wasn’t my fault.

    Many thanks Nick

  42. jake said

    Hi to all on this blog and to you SD,

    I have read many of your relationship stories and i can relate to almost every single one perfectly, each person’s experience brings back many painful memories. I know so much about suffering at the hands of a bpd woman, I knew my ex girlfriend on and off for 10 years, so everything imaginable from the ‘i love you’ ‘i hate you’ through the name calling and then the desperate pleas to get me back once i realised enough was enough, I was cut out by her often, each time i did not provide her with the attention she deemed to be sufficient she would claim i didn’t care enough, and each time i dropped the world for her she claimed i was suffocating me and she would run off without a goodbye, for days, weeks, months, and i always questioned, WHY? Why was my love never enough?

    We met when we were young, i loved her immensely. I gave her my world and i thought she was the most captivatingly beautiful and intelligent woman i had ever met. We spent everyday together and i would always question just what it was that made this woman addicted to me, i was average looking and not the sharpest tool, she seemed so open, she told me everything, and she latched on to me like a scared child. I remember a conversation we had before everything went to shit, she told asked me if i would always be there for her, and i promised her forever. She asked if we were to split up one day and if i were to have another girlfriend would i still speak to her, i told her to stop being silly, but i promised.
    Months of blissful existence passed with this woman, or girl, she was a girl then. She made me happy and that’s all i could have asked for, she made me very happy. Anyway the rubbish started after a while, the amount of things this person did to me, there was a point where i was living with her because i was homeless, i didn’t take her out clothes shopping on this one occasion, she went crazy, she broke my nose, a few days later i tried to collect my things and she went completely panic mode and called the police and tried to frame me for attempted murder before burning all my clothes. I got put on antidepressants when she eventually left me, it felt like she was just done, she was seeing other guys and i was bewildered at how someone could just turn so cold after everything we had been through together.

    She left me then for just over a year maybe, before finding out i was happy with someone else i had finally met that i could see myself making a fresh start with, but she came back only a week in to the relationship and said if i left this girl then we could be together and she was sorry and she loved me, I know i should have said no now, but i agreed. In the 8 months i spent with her i saw this person i loved slowly falling apart, she would have panic attacks, scream absurdities at me, lash out, drink herself into oblivion and then go about life the next minute as if i had not sat up the night before shaking her out of a pill induced sleep with her bleeding wrists, but i wanted her to get better, i believed she would eventually get better. She told me to make something of myself after the depression and i did, I found a well paid job and i believed i could make something of myself, two weeks in she called me to tell me she was someone else’s girlfriend and she was sorry.
    It was then i realised that romantically nothing would ever come of us, regardless of the love i felt for her. She would call me through the months they were together, crying, telling me she was sorry and she wanted me back, i listened but never came back. I visited her at her home when she was ‘ill’ and when she was better again she would ignore me, yeah this woman put me through a lot, through the years i’ve seen her struggle with alcoholism, agoraphobia, addiction and relentless failed terrible relationships. She would often call me in a state and tell me she was terrified and i would ask of what? To which she would reply ‘myself’. Deep in my heart i didn’t understand how bad the problem was, i would see her posting pictures on social media sites of her having fun, carefree and independent is what the world often saw. She had a good job and education so on the outside to the world she seemed to be wonderful beautiful woman who had it all, maybe through the years i assumed she was being melodramatic considering all she had achieved, i mean i would put down the phone and think ‘where did that even come from?’

    She committed suicide December 21st 2013, she was alone when it happened. At the funeral her mother invited me back and asked if i could read the journals she had kept for years. At first i felt the idea was intrusive and flat out refused, but i had known her mother for a very long time and i knew she was never one to pry, she told me that my ex once told her that one day she’d love for me to read how she actually felt throughout the years. So i read every single one of them dated back nearly 8 years ago, i read all the drunken scribbles and the neatly refined sentences. I read for nearly 2 weeks, and i cried and i drank, and i didn’t leave my home till each journal was read cover to cover, i called in sick, i did nothing but read.

    I realised then how hard it must have actually have been for her through the years, dealing with this disorder, when she would do the things she would do to me i always assumed there was some sort of callous undertone to it all, i honestly believed it was a fight for power, that she fed off my misery. But through the words i felt just how lost and scared she actually was and i began to understand the world through someone with bpds eyes. Her relationships, one after the other all the same, idolizing beyond comprehension listing all of his good qualities and then weighing them up against her own downfalls, the reason she put on the skin that she wore was due to the insecurities she had. Through every relationship she would often write ‘he deserves someone so much better than a fucked up crazy girl, who would want that?’ and my heart would bleed each time i read those words. She had no idea who she was but there was nothing evil about anything she wrote, she would talk about the person she wanted to be, seeing everyone on the outside and how much she love to wake up one morning and have the feeling where her possibilities are endless, where she could build something concrete and have something to be proud of, after coming from nothing she wanted to be someone and do good. Anyone she would ever get involved with beforehand she would put ‘he wants to be with me but i’ve told him i’m no good, i’m a terrible person, i hate myself for being this way, so no relationship for me’ i would find out later the guy did something overly romantic and promised he would be there for her and after much persistence she would give in. I think through reading i kind of got an understanding of the frustration, there were times she would be terrified of people trying to harm her, and other times she wouldn’t write for weeks because she had been ‘getting herself back on track’. Her words were just very lonely.

    I think the thing i learned most was that my presence in her life was not as i imagined it to be a sham, it was something of value to her, she put that she was glad to have me there, that i was the one person that stuck around for years, knowing all the bad rubbish and i would still listen to her rambling for hours, there were times she would put ‘i should call him and say thank you’ and some of those times she did. Its strange i thought for so many years she would just play the victim card and come to me when she needed someone to pick her up, but as i read more and more i realised she picked herself up on her own everytime, she just needed the reassurance of a friend, and i am so glad i didn’t turn my back on her after all these years, reguardles of what she had done to me, i loved her at one point, and she was very ill, but at the same time she was still the funniest, craziest (in a good way) most eccentric person i will ever meet, and i thank god for allowing me to spend the time i did with her. I am married now and have been for 2 years, she came to the wedding, and my wife became her friend. In the note she left she said she was sick of the confusion, that she didn’t want to hurt anyone, that she was this horrid monster and a fake, i dont believe she was, i believe she just had trouble trusting and loving, she lacked a sense of self we are all blessed to have, coming out of a relationship with a person with bpd is hard, i know, but its only now i can only begin to grasp how difficult it must be to live with BPD.

    I’m not insulting this blog in anyway, and i never usually comment on these things but i just wanted to share my personal experience with you, SD you said that if you were to come in to contact with someone with BPD then you should run and not get involved, some people have called them the definition of evil and emotionless, when i read these comments i feel something in the pit of my stomach because i know that if someone with bpd were to read those comments they would believe them completely, and in my opinion they’re not true, i didn’t realise how much shame these people felt, remorse, guilt and people claim that they do not feel empathy, i don’t feel that quite true, they are not sociopathic, but emotionally vulnerable, i just thank that i stuck around all these years when someone was desperately in need of my help and i realised a long time ago a sick person needs help, not abandonment.

    Jake

    • savorydish said

      Jake nobody here is claiming that they are sociopaths. They do need help. But if you are not a trained professional there is literally nothing you can do for someone with BPD.

  43. jake said

    forgive me if you misunderstood what I meant by the use of the term ‘sociopathic’ I meant the tendencies associated with sociopaths, for example the lack of remorse or guilt when behaving in ways we cannot understand, the actions of people with bpd are not pre meditated, I think your comment about there being ‘nothing you can do for them’ is slightly misleading also (again please please do not take offence to this) as sometimes there are things you can do, there are things I did for my ex which was to be there for her when she needed me most, it did help her. People with BPD have an intense fear of abandonment, even if they seem to play up to the cameras and pretend they’re fine, I think the only way to help someone that you loved at one point is to listen and to guide them in the direction of medical help. I don’t think someone can save them, but I think they can assist them in making a start to get better, since they have an intense fear of abandonment leaving them to me doesn’t really make sense.

    If I had read this blog 8 years ago I would have completely agreed with everything you have said SD it feels like at one point we were in the same relationship, but right now after learning everything that I have and having the world of patience, after realising this woman destroyed me at one point in my life but in doing so each time she did something of that level she destroyed herself more, the only difference being that I overcame that period, whereas people with BPD have an on going struggle through life.

    • savorydish said

      I didn’t misunderstand you. I just don’t agree with you. But I respect your choice. Consider that your opinion may have been the result of all the guilt you felt after her suicide.

  44. jake said

    I didn’t feel guilt after her death, I felt that after all these years I hadn’t been wrong in persisting and continuing our friendship because she appreciated it, even though she never admitted it, I know now how much it meant to her and i’m glad I didn’t run for the hills, even after all the madness.

    • savorydish said

      I respect that you chose to stand by her. But in the end it wasn’t enough to save her life. Had she been under the care of a professional she might still be alive. Your loyalty is not in question here. But this is not a toughman contest to see who can last the longest with someone with mental illness. This is about what is right from a medical standpoint.

    • savorydish said

      You should know that I’ve never ran for the hills. I’ve never taken my own advice. I stuck it out. And they ran. They ran because I would not let them get away with denial. I pointed out the truth. And that’s when THEY run.

      • wizard said

        And that’s WHY I RUN now when I see Cluster-B traits in a woman. Life’s too short, brother. I see no gain in sticking it out with C-R-A-Z-Y.

      • savorydish said

        It’s a reasonable decision to run. But obviously there is a gain, or people wouldn’t stick it out. People like Jake are getting a lot out of it. The question is what? I can only speak for myself. I got the attention I always wanted. The idealization and admiration you get from a BP is like a drug. A drug addict finds all sorts of reasons to stay. Even when idealization turns to devaluation. Even when the borderline runs for the hills, you continue chasing the dragon.

    • savorydish said

      Jake, if you don’t mind me saying so- it sounds like you do feel tremendous guilt about her suicide. And telling people you stuck it out is your way of making yourself feel better.

      Of course she appreciated it. You were filling a void by being a faithful codependent. That doesn’t mean it was a healthy relationship. Far from it.

      I understand why you want to treasure the notion that you meant the world to her. It is an awesome feeling and it made you feel better about her suicide. It does tremendous things for your ego, but it did nothing for her madness.

      • wizard said

        I stopped chasing the dragon when I got help from a true professional who knew what he was doing. Now that I’m on the other side of the fence, my perspective has changed. The only thing I ever got out of a BPD relationship was grief and the anxiety of waiting for the results of STD tests.

      • savorydish said

        I understand your grief and your anxiety. I’m glad you got perspective and professional help. I think that should be the aim for all of us. But I think it’s important to figure out how we got here. I think self-examination is equally important.

        For me, it is important to know why THEY ran. Because only in hindsight do I recognize it as a good sign. It is a good sign that THEY freaked out and ran. Because it means I did all the right things.

        I showed them TRUTH and LOVE. And that’s what triggered their fight and flight response. It is important for many of us to know that we did the right thing.

      • savorydish said

        Don’t get me wrong. I’m not dismissing your advice. I just know that telling drug addicts to just say NO was not a terribly effective campaign. It failed because drug addicts aren’t thinking about why they should say no. They’re thinking about why they should say yes. They are self-medicating. And saying NO does not make the pain go away. Telling people to run is sound advice, but we still have to address the deeper issues.

  45. jake said

    And thank you for respecting my choice, I think its a good community you have here.

    • savorydish said

      Thanks Jake. I don’t mind differing opinions as long as people are respectful of the blog and our opinions. I don’t want you to feel guilty. But I know it can be a powerful force when it comes to shaping people’s opinions.

  46. Wizard said

    Yeah . . . I ‘got there’ because I was co-dependent, and was using my BPD ex to try and ‘fix’ myself as much as she was trying to fix herself. It was only when I really DID start fixing myself that I realized I had to get out.

    IME, do I REALLY think I showed her the truth? No. I was lying as much as she was. There were no victims in my game, only volunteers. I might as well have been wearing a sign that said ‘Cluster-B’s, Apply Here.’ I was using her as much as she was using me. Didn’t matter how much of a ‘nice’ guy I was.

    I choose who I give my ‘truth’ to carefully now. I won’t cast my pearls before swine, as the saying goes. I’m not a religious guy, but the idea fits.

    • savorydish said

      Agreed. There are only volunteers. I use this blog to offer truth to all. Offering truth is a great way to sort out the troubled souls. The last girl I dated hated this blog, but that’s how I knew. She was in denial. And this blog was spoiling her party. When I started writing about her life, she slammed the door. The truth can be a very effective deterent.

    • savorydish said

      I’m not religious either. But I do believe the Truth will set you free. Be truthful and honest. Because these qualities are like garlic to a vampire. It has served me well. None of these relationship lasted longer than a year, because that is about how much these women can tolerate the Truth or Love.

  47. Laura said

    I had a similar story with a BPD man (undiagnosed, as far as I know.)

    I believe my Mom has BPD (waif type, not raging) or if not diagnosable, is on that spectrum. A life time of dealing with her many quirks blinded me to some of the early signals of BPD in him. Stuff that was ‘normal’ to me in my childhood, but that should have alerted me. It also made me vulnerable to his idealization. Finally my “goodness” was recognized and lauded.

    It’s like they have a script for you– no matter what you do, there is a script of failure and disaster. It’s all about being in control. If they don’t really love you they have ‘control,’ because you can’t hurt them, and if they do love you it is pure terror– because losing you could be so devastating. Hence devaluation. If you are a caring person who tries to help/understand, they will be triggered even worse, and will need to control everything right into the ground. There is so much self hate that they cannot imagine any scenario where they could actually receive loyalty and love. You HAVE to be a bad abandoner. No other sort of person exists.

    I see the whole thing as acting out non-verbally what was done to them in babyhood. “Someone important was supposed to love me but I was betrayed and punished and could never figure out the rules to please them. This person made me feel foolish and humiliated for trusting them or ever believing they loved me. This person withdrew and hurt me to gain control. And there has never been a resolution or repair. And I deeply loved this person, which is why I got so hurt.”

    My ex is a quiet borderline. He didn’t yell or berate me. But he could not tolerate being seen behind his facade. The minute I glimpsed the hidden stuff– no matter that I had love and empathy– he was gone in a puff of smoke. No validation. No kindness. All my fault– I was cut out, blamed, and hated. Very very painful.

    The terror in the center of them takes over, and causes them to smash up anything that has the glimmer of being important, valuable, and real. What a hell to live in.

    I feel like idealization phase is the BPD operating in a “fearless” mode of childlike hope– feeling like “Finally I will be happy.” When that magic state doesn’t/can’t last, the terror/devaluation kicks in because you have swindled them…you were supposed to save them, but the fears are back, telling them they are not safe.

    I see idealization as somewhat less phony than some commenters do.

    I believe the person I saw at the beginning WAS real, just that the fear and internal rage he mostly suffers from had been temporarily pushed out of his consciousness. I feel like that person I was first exposed to is fairly close to who he would become if he got help and could downsize his inordinate fears. I feel like I saw the two opposite ends of the ‘scale’ of him, which are both real, and that the middle of the scale is one big void.

    I do reach out from time to time, and it doesn’t seem to help, but I’d rather err on the side of not participating in his self hate. I think it’s a tragedy what abuse does to children and the brokenness and lifetime of pain that results.

    • Alestri said

      Laura, I see that what you’d written was quite a while ago, nonetheless, it resonates with me and wanted to respond.

      So much of what you wrote is what I experienced to some degree. We did play out a script one filled with past trauma and wounding. Obviously, we triggered each other deeply and most of it seemed as if we were reliving something that had happened long ago in early life, and yet, the experience seemed present day because of the depth of trigger and the hurt so visceral. I too have some belief that there were moments of the person underneath the disorder that showed love, care and affection. However, those were short-lived and the one without empathy and compassion would show up with great force. Until meeting this person I had never known another who had as little compassion and punishing in all the various ways she was. In addition, there was no acceptance of responsibility on her part and if I attempted to initiate discussion the response could be quite ugly and the fight was on. I had no idea to what degree she was incapable of expressing how she felt or that she was unaware of feeling anything emotional at all. When we had an argument it was all my fault and to shut it down she would say, “I need time to process this and we’ll talk about it tomorrow.” Needless to say, tomorrow never came.

      She was involved with someone when we met and he encouraged her to, “Follow her bliss.” She stayed in the rel. with him, and her time with me was consensual between them. Little did I know the hell that would ensue from that point. She exhibited all the textbook characteristics of the disorder and she was in no way willing or ready to consider that as a possibility. She had gone for help briefly and was diagnosed as bipolar. I understand that bpd is difficult to diagnose and often the person is miss-diagnosed. I believe it’s quite possible she has both, and last I knew she had stopped the medication and was not getting further professional help.

      Basically, I was wowed and seduced with great precision. Conscious of these tactics or not, she was well versed in manipulation of this sort. I got swept up in no time and was ensnared by her ploy and conquest. However, it didn’t take long for the truer colors to emerge. Unfortunately, drugs and alcohol was a huge problem we shared and this complicated everything and made the rel. incredibly difficult to sustain in any way. And, in fact, we met an AA meeting. This should have been a red flag for me and I regret that day and the moment we met greatly.
      Her partner is a lawyer and because he was included in the smear campaign she wielded to him, friends and family, he threatened to prosecute me as every wrong thing going on was all my fault. I was the problem. In retrospect, I should have stepped off and gotten as far away as possible. Our rel. was filled with desperation and misguided projection and we each played a role in the script.

      One thing I am perplexed by is the fact that she presents as being together excels in her work and appears to be stable and clear about who she is, what she wants and what she is doing? And how is it that the partner didn’t seem to go thru what I did? Perhaps it was because he took care of her and was her savior. Almost 20 yrs her senior it seemed as though he played a father role and dictated many parts of her life as such. Of course, like so many others, I truly believed love was exchanged and am so confused as to what the hell really happened? It’s as if I made it thru something, a vortex quite traumatic and painful. For the last couple of years I have made several attempts to reach out in part because there was no closure. She didn’t respond to most except in the beginning saying, “I don’t think I will ever be ready to talk with you.” What’s that about? Two months ago she responded to my reaching out again with, “Please don’t contact me again.” I am finally convinced that I was merely a prop in the game. When we started I was amazing to her and the greatest lover she’d ever had and from there the compliments were far reaching. Now I know that that too is part of how she caught me. As I said in my first entry, the similarities I’ve read are too close for coincidence. At this point, I’ve done enough research, including having read the book, “I hate you, please don’t leave me” which was very enlightening.. This book lays out precisely so much of what took place in the 2 yrs we were in each others lives. I refrain from saying we were ever together as I feel all we really did was play out a script that was written long ago. I don’t believe she ever truly cared for me. I was the target being highly idealized and devalued to the core. One day I was what she’d been looking for and the next I was worthy of nothing and deemed a person with, “Issues.”

      It’s been over 2 yrs since she angrily left telling me over the phone she’d met someone and refused any discussion whatsoever. All I needed to know was that she had moved on and that was it! My feelings were not ever important to her up to the present day. She has all the control as she had from go and too bad for me that I am hurt because that is not at all what matters. It’s all about her and it always was. I imagine she is with the person she was when I met her. He’s filled the caretaker spot and because he himself is narcissistic, wealthy, and supposedly has the IQ of a genius, they seem to work out in some sick, enabling way?

      I must continue to work at accepting that the situation is what it is and continue to heal for as long as it takes. I am learning a great deal about myself and the part I played. I take responsibility for what I brought and according to her I am the one who was, “Troubled and toxic.”

      Thank you and if you have anything that resonates, please do reply.

  48. Alestri said

    Thank you for the blog. I feel it lays out good discourse regarding the terribleness of borederline personality disorder and I don’t feel so alone. At this point I’ve read a great deal of information that is relatable to my experience with someone with whom I believe is borderline and has yet to be diagnosed as such. However, she does fit the DSM – 5 criteria, in my opinion. In addition, after having studied and researched this disorder it is not merely coincidence that what I experienced in the rel. and what I’ve read there is indisputable proof of a commonality with others.

    A few years ago I started a rel. with someone and in the beginning most of our experiences together were quite special, or so I thought. We had amazing chemistry including sexually and in the first few months I felt a closeness I had not ever felt before. Soon after that initial time period she got very sick and I did my best to take care of her during that time. Fascinating to me and my story is that I’ve read so many accounts illustrating very similar experiences with others who are or who at one time involved with a person with bpd. To begin with we were both in relationships when we met. She stayed with hers and our meeting was consentual. I left someone after 17 years and devastated my partner in every way. Little did I know the level of jealousy I would come to feel and that it would be nearly intolerable. In essence we were in a polyamorous relationship. Because I unknowingly dissociated from what was my life at that time, I quietly accepted the situation from the beginning. However, within a couple of months I felt tormented by the unspoken agreement I made with these 2 people. Her partner was primary, family secondary, and I don’t know where I stood actually.

    Here’s how time was divided: I would be with her during the day and the partner would be there at night so basically she had someone with her 24/7. Never mind that I was left alone for every holiday or birthday while the partner remained part of the family, as it were. It didn’t dawn on me until recently that whatever connection she had with me in no way compared with her partner. I mistakenly thought that she really cared for me as much as I did her. It didn’t take long before many of the characteristics of the disorder took hold and became the driving force of daily life. Everything from recycling the rel. on again, off again was on repeat. For instance, she would angrily kick me out of the house and within a few hours call me to come back. The “I hate you, please don’t leave me” behavior was clearly at play. Anything she asked of me, I acquiesced without question. Essentially I gave up all my power and she was the ruler of how it would all go. Unfortunately, there was a great deal of abusive behaviors: daily arguments and desperate pleas for her not to kick me out. Another repeated behavior and/or tactic was that she would hang up on me and then refuse to answer the phone and it felt tortuous as it was such a constant. She had all the control and I was her puppet. Raging, fighting, blaming me for EVERYTHING, the smear campaign, the endless discounting of my feelings, and various name calling, is how things went for nearly 2 yrs. I accept full responsibility for the part I played in the ill-fated dance that we created together.Needless to say, she ended the rel via telephone and expressed her leaving angrily and there was no discussion to be had. She said, “I met someone” 5 days before she professed to love me? The ending was incredibly painful and there is not, nor will there ever be, closure. Misguided, I have made a number of attempts to reach her as recent as 2 mos ago with no reply except her request I not contact her again. Again, it’s all in her control and my feelings, my life apparently are not important or even considered. Were they ever I ask myself? I realize now that I was filler and everything was about her. It was about what I could provide and how much I could take care of her that steered the whole thing.

    Today, what’s left is incredible sadness, regret and grief. While I recognize the rel was doomed from go and saving my life away from it is critical, it is still great loss. Oddly, I still love her and I’ve managed to convince myself that I miss her. All I can do is be still and sit in the feelings, try to trust the process, and I am not always gonna to feel like this. Lastly, like countless others, I am certain my spot in her life has been replaced with someone who has fallen under the spell and or is detached from the significance and seriousness of this disorder. I know I should be glad I am not that person but that understanding is a work in progress.

    Thanks for the opportunity to share my experiences with you.

      • Alestri said

        SD,
        I would greatly appreciate if u have input to share it.
        I am in the place of reaching out for answers, etc.
        Thanks so much!

      • savorydish said

        Sorry, I haven’t responded. I’ve been busy with work. You have lots of questions. Many of the answers are written down in this blog. But the short answer is you were fooled by a master manipulator. On some level, these toxic people know they are damaged. So they’ve spent their whole life, covering it up. On top of that, you were chosen because she saw that you were susceptible to her charms. Your pain is real and your symptoms in line with everyone else who has been bitten by one of these toxic vampires. Focus on healing and learning everything you can about these monsters. Be well and good luck.

  49. Leigh said

    Hello! I have been dating a guy for 5 months which has shown his BPD disorder a few times. The first time was throwing a temper trantrum over something very stupid. (texting). He then did this approximately 3 weeks from that date. He was very intimidated by texting and this was my only way to communicate being that I had no good signal where I lived. . He always blamed the fit throwings on the phone and text.
    This was alittle odd to me but I believed him telling me that he loved me. He would always shift the blame to me somehow and I just wanted everyone happy..
    The final issue was lack of communication and he really through a raging fit. I was completely fine one afternoon. In fact everything was going just fine then I didnt answer him correctly and he went off on me.. Bigtime.. I can usually take someone yelling and screaming. If the cussing starts thats when I have to walk away or say something.. I hate being called names.. Thats so immature!
    Needless to say… Ever since that day I have avoided him because of the accusations, Name calling, and degrading remarks. If I say anything… It feeds the rage..
    I started reading about BPD because he admitted to having bi polar… I found out that it usually associates with BPD… The more I read the more I relate. Its amazing how many people suffer from this disorder but ate in denial that they have anything wrong..
    I think that the multiple personalites is the scariest of all. He can flip in a matter of seconds. I asked him how he would handle a real issue if it came along? He didnt answer me… Lol I guess he had to stop and think about that one.
    Since I stopped seeing him… He is constantly texting horrible degrading things.. I blocked him so now he uses my landline phone to call and leave messages. He says that im bothering him and he wants me to stop. Wierd thing is.. Im not calling him nor texting anymore. . He tries to make it look like I am to possibly get me into trouble or something.. Very strange behavior..
    Anyway, its nice to know that im not alone and that there are others who go thru this daily as well. Thanks for reading this..

  50. Well it’s officially been 1 year and 2 months since my breakup. Ive posted here befor and i find myself posting here again. Long stort short, I left all my friends behind bc my bod ex had convinced me that she was the one, or maybe I concicned myself. I always wanted to live in colorado so I made the move with her after a job ended. We made it about 9 months and were together about 20 months total. I was her longest relationship by about 16 months. Anwyays I am writing bc I find myself wanting her back. The love so intense and the happy times so happy. The bad times, well you can say the crazy factor was achieved.

    Ive written in other posts under the title of gatorninja / ghost ninja maybe more. Over a year later I feel angry and scewed over emotionally and mentally. Although i have gone from a state of wanting to die everyday to that of finally dedicating all my time to taking care of my dog, myself, and achieving new goals. The only thing is I nowkeep my self so busy that I dont really have much time to think about my ex
    .tonight tho was different, i found myself looking at her instagram and feeling so desperate , angry and hurt by what i saw.

    I saw marks of mass hypocrosy, for example she is now with a new guy whom is super skinny. Not judging but she gave me shit and told me i looked ugly when i had lost a lot of weight from depression as our relationship was dwindling to an end. This new guy is into LofRings/star wars etc ( i viewed this on her inatagram which i have stayed away from for a good 6 months plus until today). I mention this because she gave me so muchshit for that kind of stuff (starwars….). I used to smoke weed, i quit for myself a year plus and counting, now she smokes weed. She does casual drinking which she used to give me shit for.

    Also, I had purchased her a bike, loaned her 1500 dollars. Never saw a dime, so I kept it. After a year and telling me she wanted me to die, to leave Colorado etc ,she hits me up in feb. She initiates conversation randomly about once every 2 to 3 weeks up until May. First she is saying she misses me and brings up the idea of hanging out. Then it goes from im.considering dating you but i have to get myself.in check emotionally mentally. Then magically she meets this new guy at work.

    She has the balls to ask to buy the bike back but not offer me the money loaned. So I ask her about the loan, and she says she cant afford it. Then a week or so later she might hang out, but then doesnt. This is when she brings up this new guy.

    How can someone go from doing terrible ( as she stated) then magically is happy and stable from some new guy entering her life ?

    I saw on her instagram that he ridea bikes hence why she wanted the bike back.

    How is that she thinks she met the one, another one of her instagram posts after only 2 months ?

    Why is that she is now so happy and dated multiple guys after me and yet here i am have taken 9 months to get some kind of head back on my shoulders from the pain and damage ? Total of now 14 months to get to where I am today.

    Now i am scared to let my guard down 100% bc of what I went thru with my ex bpd/bipolar. Will I ever find love again? I have gone back and forth through all the phases but yet I am still hurt by what I dealt with and by how let down I was by this woman. I tell myself to remain patient and positive but nothing ever seems to work out the way i desire for it. Iknow life isn’t fair and deep down i want this woman to be happy, but i feel enraged by her actions and how everything panned out. Her family loves me but now some new guy is turning out to be the one after i sacrificed everything for her only to feel burnt and ruined in the end..

    The hardest thing in my life has been rebuilding myself from this experiences in this relationship. Its been over a year and im still not back to 100%. I still love this woman and would take her back, but she only wants me as an option. Ive tried to date others and none come close to the fun that I had with her. Ive been focusing on making myself happy and that’s where im at. It was a mistake to look at her instagram. It triggered memories and emotions that I have been tucked away from how busy ive been forcing myself to be.

    Again why can she magically become so happy with this new guy to think he is the one ? My dad told me in the past to be thankful bc she is now someone else’s problem, but they seem pretty happy. Why doesn’t he see the dark side that I went thru mentioned in older posts ?

    I feel so used and ruined in my life; traumatized. Thanks for this option to post savor, it is nice to have somewhere to let your voice be heard. Ive been alone for quite some time now and without close friends.

    Thanks

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