Nasty Woman

November 4, 2016

When those words were uttered at the debate, I instantly had a flashback of my nastiest exes. I must say I’m no fan of Trump’s rhetoric. But I can relate to the stabby feeling of being demonized by a nasty woman.

In politics, you expect your opponents to be nasty. But when you love a woman and trust her with your heart, you don’t expect her to be nasty. You definitely don’t expect her to play the victim after playing nasty. Because what kind of fucked-up monster does that?

Nasty women are not like other women. They can come off as charming and playful, at first. But as the relationship progresses, you start to see hints of who they really are. By the end of the relationship, the mask is peeled off and you see someone who you don’t even recognize. They demonize you just so they can do horrible things to you. All the wonderful things they said about you are now null and void. 

And when you confront them with all the nasty things they’ve done to you, they just grin. It’s a smug grin that feels like they are mocking you for not realizing how nasty they really are. Because in that instant, you realize that all the love and kindness was an act. That nasty grin tells you these women get a certain satisfaction from punishing men, emasculating men and torturing men. In their eyes, all men are pigs.

Nasty women indulge in grief. They write whole books and articles about it. They will blame you for that grief. But the truth is they’ve known that grief their whole miserable life. Pain is all they know. Pain is in their DNA. You better believe that they will pass that pain onto you. Pain is what makes them so very nasty.

The Fear of Being Revealed

February 22, 2014

Readers frequently ask why borderlines inexplicably shut loved ones out of their life. They are particularly confused when they did nothing to cause such a fearful reaction. In fact, many of these kind souls tried to help and support the borderline despite the never-ending drama. But their kind nature is exactly why the borderline has shut them out and (in many cases) turned on them. It doesn’t make sense because that is the nature of PDs. They defy logic. If you were to ask borderlines, themselves, they might also wonder why they behave this way. The following was a confession by a borderline who was struck with the fear that she might be discovered:

Hi All,
I think I am selfish. My BPD is underlined by some selfishness. Do you have similar feelings?

For fear of my BF abandonning me once he sees me in the light, I left him before he left me. It was inconceivable for me to see that he might accept me after all. I started concealing myself, then lying frequently, then hiding my friends from whom he may learn things about me, then demanding things from him, finally leaving him. ALL THIS IS ABOUT ME ONLY, WHAT i WANT

Now that he left, I am suffering. Why? because again of how he could bring balance and happiness in my life: AGAIN ABOUT ME = MY SELFISHNESS.

I am not saying that BPD are selfish, but with me I see a deep underlying selfishness.

Sufferingbe

A frequent contributor named Zan found this article which further clears the fog:

But consider, for a moment, that you have been deceived and because you do not understand that the ambiguous behaviors so well hidden by a family system that enables Borderline behaviors to go on undetected and that you have become the unwitting accomplice of something that holds the potential to destroy the family system that protects it.

It is common for the borderline personality to be relatively unnoticed by most people in the family, friends, and acquaintances circle– while at the same time a inflicting personal damage to family members. A common trait of the borderline is to utilize  attention seekingbehaviors that are used to gather a supportive network of understanding, enablers to rescue the Borderline from her worst fear from every crisis.  Some would call her a “Drama Queen” who “acts out” to gain the sympathy and support and  to keep the worst fear from being realized.  As a result, she is constantly burdened with a lifestyle that demonstrates a constant sense of “faking it,” and with the continual threat that sooner or later she will be “found out.”  So, what you are seeing is the great effort going into continually managing people, information, and perception–  to hide who she really is from the public eye.

The danger in a family system is being found out and rejected or abandoned. The very idea of someone exposing the borderline behavior is the trigger that it evokes (for her) the fear  of being exposed. This stress triggers the core issue– fear of abandonment. What you will witness is her intense feeling of rejection, pain, and the anger that triggers defensive mechanisms bringing rage, acting out, and acting in behaviors. Unfortunately, if you are the person who identifies the deception of the borderline, you should be prepared to be subjected to becoming the object of  rage motivated by an irrational belief  of abandonment, social isolation, and rejection. For the borderline, the loss of control, coupled with the fear of abandonment triggers a heightened level of stress that is unmanageable for her resulting in dysregulated emotions .  Consequently,  splitting occurs in her mind and what or was one good has suddenly become all bad.

A pattern among Borderlines, threatened with a feeling of lack of control or being found out, is to turn their anger to the person who knows their secret and threatens the myth that they have created.  This person is endangering their ability to exert control which  triggers dysregulation, anger, rage focused on the internalized threat.  The pattern of the the borderline which demonstrates the intense fear of being found out is rooted in an irrational belief that she/he will be abandoned if found out.  Her behavior presents in striking– outbursts of anger– out using innuendo, accusation that vilifies the person who threatens her total control , while painting a picture of her own victimization. As the borderline expresses rage, they build a circle of supporters around them, who  feed the ego-need– people, who are largely undiscerning, unaware, co-dependent, and capable of being duped through the coercive manipulation and deception that she demonstrates.

If you are not willing to join the company of enablers and participate in their plan,  then expect your life to become very difficult.  Borderline behavior toward the person who recognizes the deception will be skewed by rage, distorted reason, and perception and fueled by the belief that her behavior is justified, correct, and characterized by intense and cruel actions hidden beneath the innocent image being projected- the victim, so innocent. For the borderline, her control takes on the form of isolating support mechanisms that she believe that you depend upon– family relationships, children, grandchildren,  friends, relationships, and financial resources.  It is common for Borderlines to destroy your personal property, assault your credibility privately,  passive-aggressive anger,  projecting behaviors that demonstrate the intense rage and fear felt, an internalized feeling of a  loss of control  The goal of theses behaviors is to deflect any belief that they are indeed suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder and to paint the picture that you are the crazy one with a problem.  Borderlines are constantly putting others in “no win” situations in order to reinforce the myth they have created.

Make no mistake – This is abusive behavior. The psychological scars inflicted by a person who pretends to be your soul mate one minute and then stabs you in the back the next will last for years, if not a lifetime. Consider treatment for yourself and stay away from these people like the plague.

The story is an all too familiar one in the world of borderline personality disorder- Boy meets girl.  Girl falls madly in love with boy. Boy decides she is the one. Boy finds out girl has serious issues. Girl agrees to therapy. Girl stresses out and runs from boy. Girl cuts boy out of her life forever. (Yes, this happens the other way too)  One young man recounts his experiences falling in love with a borderline:

In any case, I’m in my Senior year in college and dated a girl for a year and a half, and she’s been thru it all. First off, she is smart, funny, and absolutely gorgeous. However, she was raped, sexually assaulted, saw a friend die, has a mom with biploar, really odd boyfriends, etc…when I met her I went thru most of which you guys wouldn’t be surprised to hear. I stopped her from cutting, hitting herself, had to calm her during flashbacks, panic attacks, suicidality, etc.

The bond that is established between a trauma survivor and a person that becomes the caregiver is much more intense than your average relationship. It is a codependent relationship for sure, but it is also highly addictive for both parties. When that trauma includes rape, the caregiver is biting off more than they can chew.

We also had numerous, heated arguments that led to us breaking up almost every week. Often she would try to make me jealous by flirting with other guys, or just start fights for no reason, often throwing things, screaming terrible insults at me, etc. I stood by her thru all of this because when she was actually healthy we were pretty amazing together. I always knew in the back of my mind that this girl was borderline, and biploar, and odds are it wouldn’t work out.

Nothing hurts more than going out of the way to care for someone with extraordinary emotional needs only to have them lash out at you in extraordinarily cruel ways. A BP is use to abusive/ dead-end relationships. When they finally meet someone who is kind and giving, they freak out. They feel unworthy of someone who is in it for the long haul. And so the self-sabotage begins. Unconsciously, they push their lover away. And then ruthlessly punish them, when they finally do drift away.

BPs are not evil people. They are terribly insecure and emotionally damaged. But a terribly insecure person can do horrible things to someone who loves them. Ironically, a BP is more likely to harm someone who loves them than someone who neglects them. To their credit, the partners of BPs are able to forgive BPs for what most people would consider unforgivable. This requires a tremendous amount of patience and tolerance. Most people would abandon a BP. But the few who do stick it out, hope for better days.

Then, I helped convince her to go to McLean Hospital, and seek DBT therapy. She definitely improved, and after that all of a sudden the relationship changed. She was an amazing girlfriend, did whatever she could to help me, was SO loyal to me, and basically everything I could have ever wanted. Last semester (Sept. 2009-Dec. 2009) things just skyrocketed. We practically lived together and hung out all the time

This sounds like a really inspiring story right?!?! I mean, for months my friends and my family told me that we could never have a normal relationship, they would sit me alone in my room everyday and tell me to get out before I got hurt. Even they started to admit they were wrong, and we were really on our way. I made the mistake of really letting my guard down, I completely ignored the fact that she was bipolar and could change her mind any second. I really believed that this was the right girl for me, and that we would be together forever. Before I was honestly afraid of breaking up with her because she was so attached to me, but that stopped even being a possibility. She would talk about our wedding, kids, family, future, everyday, and I really started to believe we would have all of that.

BPs are very good at pulling people into their drama. They are even better at giving false hope. When a BP can no longer deny their issues, they will promise to seek help. For a short period of time, the BP will display signs of improvement. But these are short-term gains, mostly superficial improvements. During this period, BPs are on their best behavior. They are putting up a facade of good mental health. But just one bump in the road is all it takes for the facade to fall off.

When February started, all of a sudden everything just changed. We had a hard conversation where she told me that she was really worried about being long-distance, and that her therapist at McLean might tell her she has to break up with me because distance is so hard on her.

It doesn’t take much for a BP to be discouraged. In their defense, dealing with BPD/Rape trauma is no easy task. But it is not unusual for a BP to throw in the towel after a few months of therapy. Whether or not the therapist actually told her to break up with her boyfriend is questionable. Sometimes a BP hears what he/she wants to hear. It is more likely that this BP finally succumbed to her fears of abandonment. A BP breaks off a relationship as a preemptive measure against his/her own heart break.They break your heart before you can break theirs. In some ways, it gives them control.

Also because she was too dependent on me this year, and next year it would be a hard transition to be without me– I was her whole life. I knew I was really in for a hard, hard time after that talk. The next day, petty fights just started up constantly for no reason. She soon went into a severe depressive state, to the point where she had seizure-like behaviors. Things turned really quickly, and became really bad. She stayed in my room for about 4 days straight and I had to carry her around everywhere. I had to get her every meal, call professors to tell them she was ill, carry her to the bathroom, etc. Her rape flashbacks also started up again, and the Zoloft completely took away her sex drive. As a result, her Body Image disorders just shot thru the roof, everything was going wrong. Then shortly before Valentine’s day she came and told me she didn’t know if she loved me anymore, obviously I was crushed! The next day she sent me a message, blocking me on facebook and saying she will no longer contact me because of advice from her parents and doctors.

When a BP becomes emotionally dependent on someone, the fear of losing that crutch is too much. It is this fear that brings out the darkside of a BP. Picking fights is a sign that the BP is looking for an out. They are devaluing you to make it easier to leave while pushing you away at the same time. Eventually, a BP devalues you to the point where they feel nothing for you. You are dead to them. A BP partner rarely sees this coming. They think the fights are just part of the ups and downs of a BP relationship, not realizing that this is the final dip.

In a matter of days, you have gone from the love of their life, to someone who is smothering them. Partners are usually shocked at how cold their ex-lover has become. Blocking you from facebook is the least of your worries. When a BP “splits you black”, they can resort to hostility to get rid of you. That hostility can translate into infidelity, a smear campaign and false accusations. When a BP is in the grips of fear, both rational thought and compassion are thrown out the window. The love you had is a distant memory as far as they are concerned. In some cases, the BP will convince themselves it was all an illusion. And in a way, he/she would be right. An untreated BP is incapable of actual intimacy. You have just witnessed what happens when a BP finds him/herself in a serious relationship.

Sadly, a BP in denial will never know how much pain they have caused their lovers. A partner who has been cut out of a lover’s life will go through unimaginable pain, self-doubt, and deep depression. These caretakers gave up their own well-being to love a BP, and in return were betrayed.

I feel like I wasted 1.5 years of my life. Logically, I know life must go on and I have such a solid friends/family support base that getting thru this really hasn’t been that bad. I’m still devastated though and think about her everyday. I dream about her every night. I hope to never hear from her again because I’m so angry, what kind of sick person gives you their life for 18 months, then just expunges you completely? At the same time– I secretly hope, everyday, that she contacts me and gives me a reason to take her back. I also know that I will never take her back again, or will I? I’m very confused. Does she come back to me? Do I contact her? Is there any hope? Is she going to make an honest effort to get better, then come back to me when she is ready? What in the world is going on?!?!?

But the fact is a BP is sick. Many lovers underestimate how sick a BP is at their own expense. Well-meaning friends will tell this person to move on, but it’s never that easy. A BPD love is an addiction. When you stop cold-turkey you go through withdrawal symptoms. This person has just been traumatized and victimized. It will take a great deal of time (and maybe counseling) to heal and trust someone again. Unless, a BP has been treated for years there is always the risk of being put through the wringer.

Did you know my borderline ex has amazing parents? Well, that’s according to a recent post that she dedicated to her amazing mother for Mother’s Day. That’s funny. I swear a week did not go by where my borderline ex did not complain about her mother being either physically or mentally abusive to her as a child. And then there’s her father. According to my ex, her mother caught her father making out with my ex’s lesbian fiance at a family party. This was no doubt retribution for her mother’s own acts of indiscretion. Do these sound like amazing parents to you?

So what the hell is going on here? Why the sudden 180? Why the two-faced storytelling?

I started hearing these family horror stories early on in the relationship. I remember being alarmed at the time. Who could blame me? What kind of family acts this way? A deeply dysfunctional one. At that time, I tried not to judge so I kept my distance. At the time, I didn’t know a thing about BPD. But I knew enough to know that dysfunctional families produce dysfunctional children. I knew what her parents did to each other, she would eventually do to me. Unfortunately, I was right. The rotten apple never falls far from the rotting tree.

Even so, I comforted her every time she shared a sob story. Looking back now, it was probably the worst thing I could have done because I was just encouraging the drama. Borderlines tell sob stories to reel people in and to prevent them from leaving. It’s why you have to take their stories with a grain of salt. My ex conveniently told sob stories every time she felt me pull away. What she didn’t realize was that it was her stories that were pushing me away.

It wasn’t that I didn’t care about her. I just didn’t need the drama. I didn’t want to be sucked into the vortex. Even before I learned about personality disorders, I knew it would spell disaster. I had dated enough fucked up women in my life to know how this would all end.

Every time she felt me pull away, it would trigger her fears of abandonment. And with that, she would always tell me another sob story. Each time, she would ratchet up the sob factor. Each story was more tragic than the last.

I ran myself ragged trying to contain the drama. I played the co-dependent fixer all too well. I even suggested she patch things up with her mother. Overnight, her mother became her new BFF when, just days ago, she was her tormentor. But then she calls me on New Year’s Eve to tell me about her father’s act of betrayal. To be honest, my first thought was “Jesus, what have I gotten myself into?”

To this day, I don’t know which stories to believe. Because when you are dealing with someone who will literally do or say anything to avoid abandonment, it makes it very hard to believe any of these stories. But something bad must have happened in her past. She wouldn’t be as fucked up as she is if her childhood was amazing. That much I know.

When she learned about her father from her mother/new BFF, she came back a different person. All of a sudden, she was paranoid. She accused me of flirting with her friends and hiding secret lovers from her. She started saying things like “all men are pigs” (black and white thinking). That’s when I knew our relationship was doomed. I knew sabotage was just around the corner.

The same month she had learned about her father’s assholish behavior was when she decided to get drunk and flirt with her male “friend” right in front of me and all her friends. Assholish behavior runs in her family. When they are tired of fucking each other over, they go out and find other people they can fuck over. Assholes, every one of them.

Of course, those with borderline tendencies will say, “nobody’s perfect.” True. We all have our faults. But if our imperfections are small cracks, then a borderline’s imperfections are giant chasms. You have to draw the line somewhere.  We’re not talking about imperfection. We’re talking about people who have abusive tendencies, people who tell sob stories to manipulate others. This is where we must draw the line.

Borderlines posing as angry activists will argue that this is discrimination. They will say that we are treating the abusive assholes with a heavy hand. And I say- let them say whatever they want to say. Because a disordered person will say anything to avoid abandonment and rejection. Disordered people should be treated like disordered people. We should never make the mistake of treating them as if they are healthy individuals.

Disordered people tell tall tales. They make things up. They exaggerate. They confuse and contradict their own words. They have a very loose grip on reality. They tell stories to gain attention or to lash out at someone.That is why people have such a hard time believing a word they say.

My ex worked so hard to convince me that her parents were terrible. And now she wants all her readers to believe otherwise. She is on a mission to prove that she is normal. She even married an unsuspecting young man to prove that she is capable of intimacy. But she is fooling her readers just like she is fooling herself and everyone around her. You can’t fool yourself into thinking you’re healthy. That’s called denial.

People like my ex and Mina Jade are far from healthy. They are fooling themselves into believing that they are right in the head. Delusional thinking is a major component of BPD. It’s why they have such a poor recovery record. Honesty is required for recovery.

So when my borderline ex claims that her parents are amazing, don’t be so quick to believe her. Troubled women are the product of a troubled upbringing. BPD also has genetic roots. Assholes give birth to a new generation of assholes. There’s a reason why her family has worked so hard to silence this blog. They don’t want you to know the truth. The tragic path of a borderline always leads back to the family.

That’s why my ex became a “journalist”, so she could blog the past away. She can blog about her amazing life and her amazing parents. No one will dare question her for fear of being labeled a “would-be rapist”. If you knew my ex like I know my ex, you would know that her family and her life are anything but amazing. Even she had to acknowledge there were parts of her life that weren’t so amazing.

In her Mother’s Day post, she hinted at “dark times”. But then she made the ridiculous suggestion that her parents overcame those dark times by taking more vacations and bike rides to the beach. Did you know that you can cure BPD trauma with bike rides to the beach? Did you know infidelity can be forgiven with a vacation? More inane suggestions by my all too helpful ex.

My ex is living a lie. She is perpetuating this lie, because she’s afraid her family will unravel (fear of abandonment). But what she doesn’t seem to realize is that her family has already unraveled. The emperor is naked but strutting around, thinking she is fully clothed. So rather than confront issues and address problems, she pretends they don’t exist. Compartmentalizing the past allows her to live in a fantasy world where chocolate rivers run through fields of cotton candy.

So let me end with some more advice to my delusional ex:

If you are too emotionally-retarded to treat people with the respect that they deserve, then you are not worthy of an adult relationship. Getting married and obsessing about weddings will not make you feel whole. Only a small child thinks they can overcome psychological trauma with pretty dresses and fancy events. GROW UP. There’s a reason why people hate your guts… there’s a reason why lovers and friends always turn into enemies- it’s because you’re an irresponsible asshole. Until the day that you take responsibility for your disorder, you will always be an asshole.

The fact is people with BPD have a hard time with intimacy. Here are some thoughts from David Oliver, the founder of BorderlineCentral.com:

The fact is, a person in the throes of Borderline Personality Disorder is incapable of adult emotional intimacy, because the very nature of the disorder decrees that they have not matured enough emotionally to the degree that is required to have emotionally healthy adult intimacy. They are caught in a cycle of emotional Push/Pull, or “love-hate.”

One of the major characteristics of Borderline Personality Disorder is that those with the disorder will push away the very people they love (need) the most. This stems from child abuse or abandonment they suffered at an early stage of development, which led to them having Borderline Personality Disorder in the first place …

… Another reason why your relationship with a person with Borderline Personality Disorder will be such a stormy one is that they will have the unrealistic expectation of you that you can take care of them, when the reality is that they cannot even take care of themselves. Another characteristic of someone with Borderline Personality Disorder is that they are needy and demanding. Again, however, with the push/pull cycle, they will seem needy and demanding one minute, and push you away the next minute (even as you try to meet their needs). They will seem to seek intimacy, yet at the same time they will reject that same intimacy, sometimes with anger and rage that you cannot understand. They can’t understand it, either…

I know these are harsh words for a borderline’s delicate ear, but they must be reiterated. I hesitate to post it, because I hate to discourage people like Skye when they are already struggling. But maybe it will help people understand that it’s not entirely their fault. BPD is powerfully destructive force that was forged long before a person has even met his/her borderline partner. So it is unreasonable to think that these forces can be wrangled under control before the borderline has had a chance to fully recover. But there is hope:

… The only way a person with Borderline Personality Disorder can change their destructive behavior is to seek help – they need psychotherapy; specifically, a type of therapy called Dialectical Behavior Therapy, which is designed to help people with this disorder.

Over time, it is possible for someone with Borderline Personality Disorder to become better; perhaps, even, to maintain an emotionally healthy adult relationship, if they are willing to seek help for their disorder, and if they are willing to change their destructive behaviors. Until a certain amount of healing is done, and insight achieved through help from a qualified therapist, someone with Borderline Personality Disorder is just not capable of emotional intimacy.

This is why it’s so important to raise awareness about BPD. So that people can avoid rushing into relationships. To get involved in a relationship before healing, can only spell disaster for everyone involved. In a perfect world, a borderline would avoid serious relationships until after they have recovered. But we don’t live in a perfect world. We live in a world where a borderline’s fear of being alone is as great as their fear of intimacy. Another one of life’s cruel jokes.

If you’re already in a committed BPD relationship, I wish you luck. Your only chance of survival depends on the borderline continuing treatment. But the partner of a borderline has to be willing to put up with the emotional rollercoaster in the meantime. Most therapists aren’t even trained to deal with BPD. How can we expect the average person to cope? Not to mention the fact that most borderlines go out of their way to choose partners who are incapable of ever meeting their impossible needs.

Many times borderlines choose partners in the heat of the moment. They choose partners that resemble their parents. Parents who were most likely in a loveless marriage, one filled with chaos and turmoil.  Parents who either abandoned them, were emotionally unavailable or abused them.

Or if they happen to stumble upon a nice person who cares for them, they push them away. Nice people just aren’t a borderline’s “type”. Eventually, they will become bored, because a BP craves conflict and tension. And will create drama, if none exists.

Their self-esteem is so low, they think someone must be defective to love them. In other words, if a partner treats a borderline with kindness, a borderline will pay him/her back with abusive behavior. Eventually, a borderline will probably cut him/her out of his/her life.  A borderline has a way of antagonizing even the most faithful of lovers. This is how a person behaves when they fear intimacy.

Yes, you are suppose to be together “in sickness and in health”, but I don’t think the author of those words was thinking about BPD when he/she wrote that.