Nasty Woman

November 4, 2016

When those words were uttered at the debate, I instantly had a flashback of my nastiest exes. I must say I’m no fan of Trump’s rhetoric. But I can relate to the stabby feeling of being demonized by a nasty woman.

In politics, you expect your opponents to be nasty. But when you love a woman and trust her with your heart, you don’t expect her to be nasty. You definitely don’t expect her to play the victim after playing nasty. Because what kind of fucked-up monster does that?

Nasty women are not like other women. They can come off as charming and playful, at first. But as the relationship progresses, you start to see hints of who they really are. By the end of the relationship, the mask is peeled off and you see someone who you don’t even recognize. They demonize you just so they can do horrible things to you. All the wonderful things they said about you are now null and void. 

And when you confront them with all the nasty things they’ve done to you, they just grin. It’s a smug grin that feels like they are mocking you for not realizing how nasty they really are. Because in that instant, you realize that all the love and kindness was an act. That nasty grin tells you these women get a certain satisfaction from punishing men, emasculating men and torturing men. In their eyes, all men are pigs.

Nasty women indulge in grief. They write whole books and articles about it. They will blame you for that grief. But the truth is they’ve known that grief their whole miserable life. Pain is all they know. Pain is in their DNA. You better believe that they will pass that pain onto you. Pain is what makes them so very nasty.

Did you know my borderline ex has amazing parents? Well, that’s according to a recent post that she dedicated to her amazing mother for Mother’s Day. That’s funny. I swear a week did not go by where my borderline ex did not complain about her mother being either physically or mentally abusive to her as a child. And then there’s her father. According to my ex, her mother caught her father making out with my ex’s lesbian fiance at a family party. This was no doubt retribution for her mother’s own acts of indiscretion. Do these sound like amazing parents to you?

So what the hell is going on here? Why the sudden 180? Why the two-faced storytelling?

I started hearing these family horror stories early on in the relationship. I remember being alarmed at the time. Who could blame me? What kind of family acts this way? A deeply dysfunctional one. At that time, I tried not to judge so I kept my distance. At the time, I didn’t know a thing about BPD. But I knew enough to know that dysfunctional families produce dysfunctional children. I knew what her parents did to each other, she would eventually do to me. Unfortunately, I was right. The rotten apple never falls far from the rotting tree.

Even so, I comforted her every time she shared a sob story. Looking back now, it was probably the worst thing I could have done because I was just encouraging the drama. Borderlines tell sob stories to reel people in and to prevent them from leaving. It’s why you have to take their stories with a grain of salt. My ex conveniently told sob stories every time she felt me pull away. What she didn’t realize was that it was her stories that were pushing me away.

It wasn’t that I didn’t care about her. I just didn’t need the drama. I didn’t want to be sucked into the vortex. Even before I learned about personality disorders, I knew it would spell disaster. I had dated enough fucked up women in my life to know how this would all end.

Every time she felt me pull away, it would trigger her fears of abandonment. And with that, she would always tell me another sob story. Each time, she would ratchet up the sob factor. Each story was more tragic than the last.

I ran myself ragged trying to contain the drama. I played the co-dependent fixer all too well. I even suggested she patch things up with her mother. Overnight, her mother became her new BFF when, just days ago, she was her tormentor. But then she calls me on New Year’s Eve to tell me about her father’s act of betrayal. To be honest, my first thought was “Jesus, what have I gotten myself into?”

To this day, I don’t know which stories to believe. Because when you are dealing with someone who will literally do or say anything to avoid abandonment, it makes it very hard to believe any of these stories. But something bad must have happened in her past. She wouldn’t be as fucked up as she is if her childhood was amazing. That much I know.

When she learned about her father from her mother/new BFF, she came back a different person. All of a sudden, she was paranoid. She accused me of flirting with her friends and hiding secret lovers from her. She started saying things like “all men are pigs” (black and white thinking). That’s when I knew our relationship was doomed. I knew sabotage was just around the corner.

The same month she had learned about her father’s assholish behavior was when she decided to get drunk and flirt with her male “friend” right in front of me and all her friends. Assholish behavior runs in her family. When they are tired of fucking each other over, they go out and find other people they can fuck over. Assholes, every one of them.

Of course, those with borderline tendencies will say, “nobody’s perfect.” True. We all have our faults. But if our imperfections are small cracks, then a borderline’s imperfections are giant chasms. You have to draw the line somewhere. ¬†We’re not talking about imperfection. We’re talking about people who have abusive tendencies, people who tell sob stories to manipulate others. This is where we must draw the line.

Borderlines posing as angry activists will argue that this is discrimination. They will say that we are treating the abusive assholes with a heavy hand. And I say- let them say whatever they want to say. Because a disordered person will say anything to avoid abandonment and rejection. Disordered people should be treated like disordered people. We should never make the mistake of treating them as if they are healthy individuals.

Disordered people tell tall tales. They make things up. They exaggerate. They confuse and contradict their own words. They have a very loose grip on reality. They tell stories to gain attention or to lash out at someone.That is why people have such a hard time believing a word they say.

My ex worked so hard to convince me that her parents were terrible. And now she wants all her readers to believe otherwise. She is on a mission to prove that she is normal. She even married an unsuspecting young man to prove that she is capable of intimacy. But she is fooling her readers just like she is fooling herself and everyone around her. You can’t fool yourself into thinking you’re healthy. That’s called denial.

People like my ex and Mina Jade are far from healthy. They are fooling themselves into believing that they are right in the head. Delusional thinking is a major component of BPD. It’s why they have such a poor recovery record. Honesty is required for recovery.

So when my borderline ex claims that her parents are amazing, don’t be so quick to believe her. Troubled women are the product of a troubled upbringing. BPD also has genetic roots. Assholes give birth to a new generation of assholes. There’s a reason why her family has worked so hard to silence this blog. They don’t want you to know the truth. The tragic path of a borderline always leads back to the family.

That’s why my ex became a “journalist”, so she could blog the past away. She can blog about her amazing life and her amazing parents. No one will dare question her for fear of being labeled a “would-be rapist”. If you knew my ex like I know my ex, you would know that her family and her life are anything but amazing. Even she had to acknowledge there were parts of her life that weren’t so amazing.

In her Mother’s Day post, she hinted at “dark times”. But then she made the ridiculous suggestion that her parents overcame those dark times by taking more vacations and bike rides to the beach. Did you know that you can cure BPD trauma with bike rides to the beach? Did you know infidelity can be forgiven with a vacation? More inane suggestions by my all too helpful ex.

My ex is living a lie. She is perpetuating this lie, because she’s afraid her family will unravel (fear of abandonment). But what she doesn’t seem to realize is that her family has already unraveled. The emperor is naked but strutting around, thinking she is fully clothed. So rather than confront issues and address problems, she pretends they don’t exist. Compartmentalizing the past allows her to live in a fantasy world where chocolate rivers run through fields of cotton candy.

So let me end with some more advice to my delusional ex:

If you are too emotionally-retarded to treat people with the respect that they deserve, then you are not worthy of an adult relationship. Getting married and obsessing about weddings will not make you feel whole. Only a small child thinks they can overcome psychological trauma with pretty dresses and fancy events. GROW UP. There’s a reason why people hate your guts… there’s a reason why lovers and friends always turn into enemies- it’s because you’re an irresponsible asshole. Until the day that you take responsibility for your disorder, you will always be an asshole.