Those of you who have tried to reach out to a borderline personality that has split you black, may have encountered a good deal of hostility. That is to be expected with BPs. When someone is in fierce denial of his/her disorder, the last thing he/she wants is a dose of reality. It doesn’t matter how close you think you are or were…  It doesn’t matter how good your intentions are…  A borderline in denial can only handle so much of the truth. Don’t be surprised if you are met with irrational, inappropriate and disproportionate rage.

Prepare to be bashed. You will see a side of your loved one that you never thought you would see- vicious, callous, and manipulative.  Remember: a borderline splits you black because they perceive rejection. They will lash out at you like a wounded animal, without thought or concern. You will be tempted to think that this is just a mood that will pass like before. But once a borderline splits you black, that’s it- game over. When you confront a borderline at this phase of the relationship, they interpret it as a threat. Their intense fear of abandonment mandates that they reject you before you have a chance to reject them.  Expect the borderline to block you out/cut you out without mercy.

During this post break-up period, you might wait by your phone, hoping they’ll call. And they might call you when they are feeling lonely. But be wary of any peace offerings after they have split you black. This is not the borderline snapping out of his/her splitting phase. They are using you to temporarily ease feelings of loneliness. Borderlines are always looking for some attention, especially after an upsetting break up. Even if they invite you back, you will notice that they are more prickly than usual. It will feel like you are walking on thin ice. They know you are needy and they will take full advantage of this. They may even bring you back just to kick you while you’re down. This is not a make-up. This is an extremely manipulative person using you until they can find a replacement. This is an extremely messed-up person squeezing every last ounce of blood out of you before they dump you into the trash. If it sounds harsh, it’s because it is.

Get rid of any romantic notion that true love can conquer all. You may be genuinely in love with the borderline. But a borderline’s love is shallow. You will not realize this until the borderline stabs you in the back with little or no regret. And even then, you may be in denial. Most borderline personalities are trauma survivors. That means they have the unique ability to detach themselves from you in an instant. This means the gloves will come off and you will be treated like their worst enemy.

Be very very very careful. Especially, if your loved one has a history of sexual assault. Your attempts to confront a borderline on the run may trigger those memories. And you may be seen as a potential predator. Forget whatever trust and tenderness you may have shared before. Once a borderline splits you black, you are a total stranger to him/her. This is not the same person you knew days before. That was a facade. What you are seeing at this point is the BP stripped down to his/her true nature. This is a seriously disturbed individual. Do not make the mistake of thinking otherwise, it will be to your own detriment.

Not only will splitting BPs engage in unbelievably abusive behavior, they will deny it. Or they will demonize you to justify it. And to add abuse on top of abuse, they will accuse you of the very crimes they are committing or accuse you of being the one with issues (aka projection). They will even recruit proxies to help do their dirty work for them. I have been harassed by family members, friends and people she barely even knows. There really is nothing that will prepare you for this level betrayal. But you should know what you’re getting into anyways.

Don’t try to appeal to friends or family of the borderline. You will only add fuel to the fire. Birds of a feather flock together. Borderlines are a product of their environment. So don’t be surprised if their friends and family actually approve of their disordered behavior. Don’t be surprised if they try to cover up the borderline’s tracks. Most likely, they have been doing this for much of the borderline’s life.

Some will tell you not to take a borderline’s attacks personally. I say, “nonsense!” The borderline has betrayed you. This was a person you trusted and loved. Of course, you’ll take it personally. As well you should. The borderline relationship is an addictive co-dependent relationship, you will feel the pain of withdrawal. You won’t be able to eat or sleep for days. You’ll have to force yourself to breathe. You will suffer from deep depression for months. You will have trust issues for years. You have every right to be angry at him or her. You will probably say or do things that you never thought you’d say or do. Borderlines have a talent for dragging people down to their level.

Others will say “separate the person from the disorder”. If any other person engaged in this type of abusive activity, they would be written off as a scumbag. But for some reason, our society has a soft spot for troubled people as if to say they can’t help the way they behave. Let’s assume that anyone who engages in abusive behavior is messed up. Rapists, murderers, and abusers all have some sort of personality disorder. They were all abused in one way or another. A personality disorder is an explanation, not an excuse. It is not a “get out of jail” free card.

Part of the problem is people with PDs have poor boundaries. Borderlines can sometimes be like children who do whatever they want, while ignoring the consequences. This is the result of arrested emotional development. This is the result of a chaotic and abusive environment. When you grow up watching mom and dad abuse each other, the behavior becomes hardwired into your brain. So much so, a borderline may not even realize they are abusing a partner until the partner points it out. It is up to loved ones to set boundaries. Unfortunately, borderlines are notorious for surrounding themselves with people who look the other way.

If you are a loved one, it is your obligation to intervene. If you are just sitting on the sidelines watching the borderline abuse his/her partners then you are an enabler. You are an accomplice. The addiction cliche “if you are not part of the solution, you are part of the problem” applies here.

The fact is borderlines do have free will. They have the ability to decide enough is enough. They can decide to get help and stop the abuse. They can stop living in denial. And those who choose to continue their abusive ways, deserve the stigma and condemnation that comes their way.

597 Responses to “Reaching Out”

  1. savorydish said

    Hey Emily,
    Just sent you an email to your yahoo address.

    • Will said

      I Think I am in the middle of a BPD break-up. And I am not handling it well. She “split me black” in less then 24 hrs. Blocked my cell, my email, on Fb, twitter, removed all my friends, family. I have read alot on this blog and it helps me, but I still have become almost obsessed with her now, emailing constantly, apologizing for what ever I did, etc. And after I feel angry that I feel into chasing her without any return from her at all.
      I reached out to her friends, and even her mother. And nothing.
      Why I think she might be a person with BPD, she was abused by her uncle as a child and she told me her family just brushed it off. I am 40 and she is now 44. She is an executive, at a major skin care company, very successful, very high pressure job. This is not the first thing she did that was very scary, she threw me a great wonderful 40th b-day party, but then got super drunk, and made out with some girl, and then a “friend” of mine in the middle of the party, with friends and family in view. I calmed her down got her into bed was preparing for an apology, but she came upstairs and started screaming at me “you are not a man” etc.. I did not see her for a few days, and then got together with her, she swore it was from drinking and then said it was because she was not secure in where she stood with me in our relationship. We were fine until the two weeks ago, on sunday we had a great night together she was planning on a work trip for sunday evening, I was out riding with a buddy, and said I was coming back early to be with her before she left, in three minutes she said do not bother I am done. She went through my messages on mu iPad and sent me a pic of a message from a to/from a friend(female) that I have known since I was 18(now 40) it was a pic of a girl from Maxim.com, she was asking about helping her with her husband, they were having problems in the bedroom, and she is a very very plain girl, and I said trying dressing like the chick from the maxim site I sent her. Well she went out that night got drunk and sent me a pic of her in her “new” panties. I immediately called her and said WTF are you doing? that shit is for your husband, and to not call me again you are gonna make me look like a home wrecker and a cheater. That was back on Feb 13, SInce this I have removed her as my friend on FB, She even asked to call Kim which she did to apologize and said I had nothing to do with that, she was drunk and please do not blame him he did not request not infere that at all., please call him. But she accused me of sexting, and said do not ever contact me again, I got home and everything was gone, all of her clothes, etc. We did not lived together by the way. And that has been it. Nothing since that day, now I will admit I got mad and threw some angry texts at her, that said”are you for real?, you cheated on me at my 40th b-day party, that you threw, and now you are trying to flip it to make it look like I cheated? WTF, KIM?” Then in the following days following days felt guilty, changed my tone apologized, and now I am a big sissy trying to get her to talk to me. Almost daily. I sent pics of us, both G and X rated to remind her of US, I reached out to her Mom, friend/co-worker. Also during our year long relationship, I only met one friend of hers outside of work, everyone else was a work associate. She was friends with ALL of mine, my parents etc..
      I am just trying to figure out if she is a BPD, or just got tired of us in one day. And how do I stop acting like some little bitch and chasing her. I have an Appt, with my therapist next week, I usually do not go to one , but to check in once every few months, but he said I need to see him about this.

      Could really use some insight. thank you all. And sorry to anyone else who is enduring this kind of pain. I love her and just want to talk to her.

      • savorydish said

        She sounds like she either has BPD or has suffered trauma from childhood abuse. I’m not qualified to diagnose her. But given what you’ve told me, it sounds like she loves drama. It also sounds like you’re addicted to her drama. I feel your pain, but talking to her will not ease that pain. It will only prolong it.
        Good luck, SD

      • Will said

        Thanks for the feed back, and yes I think i did become addicted to the drama, but when there was none WE were awesome together. Thanks again, just sharing helped me a little today.

      • savorydish said

        Sharing is part of the healing process. Part of the addiction is the hope that someday you can return to the good ole days. But recovery is only possible when you realize the good ole days was an illusion. The woman you thought you knew was an act. I wish you well.

      • Tom said

        Savorydish is a great website! If you want to get some insight and help on this, I suggest you look here:
        http://www.sharischreiber.com/articles.html
        Shari Schreiber’s site will be the most helpful to you.
        Start with the first article: “Do You Love to Be Needed, or Need to Be Loved?” and work your way down the list.
        http://www.shrink4men.com/
        https://www.facebook.com/groups/18733792496/
        https://www.facebook.com/groups/protectionformen/

      • cjh1505 said

        To tom. Thank you for posting the links in one of your replys.just more information that everyone that had dealt with a person with a pd should read and keep to heart. Thank you thank you thank you!

      • tammy s said

        Dude you need to walk away. You are giving way too much.And as you said you are doing all the chasing.I am currently in s simular relationship where I make all the effort. my love intrest gives nothing.He will not get another call or text from me.He maybe a borderine too but I have grown tired of it so I won’t be reaching anymore. I deserve better than that.

    • Robert "toerrishuman" said

      Tom,

      my heart goes out to you. I cannot comprehend what you are going through. I thought I had it bad but after what you described, my ex BPD was an angel compared to yours.

      You must first stop thinking about what your soon to be ex is thinking and feeling, she does not care for you, it’s that simple. You must have an escape plan in place, you are in a very toxic environment, which you do not deserve and neither does your son. Your son should give you the strength to leave right now, but you really have to do it for yourself.

      Count your blessings, as it sounds like you are not married to this person, so on that note, there is nothing stopping you from leaving!

      Let me say this to you, “GET OUT !!!!” She nor anyone is worth your soul, if you stay, you will be a shell of man, up end bankrupt and you will be modeling to your son, that his father has no back bone, don’t do it. Do not stay!!!! Please get out, get help, get support, just do something, your life is depending on it.

      It has been close to 8 months since I told my ex BPD girlfriend to get the hell out of my house, I cannot express to you the clarity I have right now, I wish this for you. Your fist step was reaching out on this site, however reading and talking is cheap, you now must take action and get out. Run as fast you you can and don’t look back!!!!

      You soon to be ex may be beautiful on the outside but deep within her soul, she is a monster. Do not judge a book by it’s cover, you have finally read the pages of her true being and they are horrific. Please wake up to the reality that you fell in love with an illusion, she is not real, she will use and abuse you until you run out of money and them toss you aside for another victim, she is an emotional vampire and will suck you dry, this is real true self, she does not know any better, please get out!!!!!!

      Robert.

    • Tom said

      Firstly, thanks Robert for your advice. Well the hoovering started…first message “guess you are so busy nowadays especially at night”…my response about an hour later, “not busy, taking care of some work related things”…then she started how all this mess is my fault, she loves me but does not get along with me, I have so many rules”….I waited and asked ‘please be specific, name a rule’…she called and said ‘you fucking asshole, I will burn your face and home, I will destroy you” I waited and said…please name a rule. Her response…rule might be the wrong word…English is not my mothertongue you useless snob asshole. I responded do you mean rules like number 26 above, it was a request, not a rule, order…just respect. She began yelling and threatening, so I hung up…then more messages came in…each one more beligerant, stupid, filled with typos, incoherrent, then I love you but you have thrown me out 5 times in a year and she has done nothing to deserve it. Then came she has the flu and good night. I did not respond.

      I want to say to Savory Dish too, thank you for having this site, without it I would have been lost and at the bottom. Am feeling stronger, but sure I have a weakness and sense of desire and responsibility for her. But indeed, she will want me back to punish me…does not listen, talks and talks until everything is a fog…I thought I was smarter than this, but become totally confused.

      Yes I do protect my son…because when she begins blaming him I have warned her in the past…do not even think or look at my son in a bad way…then she backs off and and calls my ex a devil whore etc.

      Anyway, I sound so confused and lost, and emotional dump at this point…which is not what am usually like. I just wish I could predict her moves. I usually am calm, and sometimes advise people who come to me, sometimes it is better to do nothing, just sit back and watch, they will self destruct or de-rail.

      But am terrible with myself. Oh yes…forgot to tell about when she came home once, pulled me out of bed by my genitals, kicked me in the face and yelled…you mobile phone was turned off, what would happen if something happened to me on my way home…I have a few more stories….

      Thanks Tom

    • Tom said

      Savory Dish…perhaps you could delete my last name and the Finland part…Sorry, I should have thought before I wrote that. Why, Finland is small…very small.

      • savorydish said

        Unfortunately, the only way of deleting your name is to delete the whole post.

      • Tom said

        No problem…again my humble thanks for this site. It helps! Got a message again this evening….’got your son again this weekend?’ I responded an hour later, *Sorry for late reply, Yes I do. Hope your flu is better’…..no response, nothing. Which leads me to her slogan ‘I need more’….out of 14 days I have my son 2 (the system here) so I said you have me for 12 days out of 14 and do not really want to do anything with us when he is here…but that was a few months ago.

      • Robert "Toerrishuman" said

        Tom, you must practice the NO CONTACT rule!! Please do not reply to her messages, you are just feeding her ego and letting her know that she still has control over you. The worst thing you can do to a BPD person is ignore them, so do it and don’t feel guilty, she has no feelings for you, she never had, she is a user and abuser, you do not deserve this. By having no contact with your ex, you are sending a message that she means nothing to you anymore.

        She is GASLIGHTING you and your mental health will suffer greatly if you allow it. Please have the strength to let you go and move on with your new life. Do not, I repeat do not respond to her messages, erase her number, change your phone phone, change your email address, stop all communication with her, get rid of anything in your apartment that is from her or reminds you of her. All this will help you get the clarity that you need right now.

        Remember, talk is cheap, action, action, action! Be good to yourself and get rid of this toxic person, life is to lived, not to just co-exist. You are just existing the state you are in, I know you can do this!!

        From gratitude. 🙂

      • Tom said

        Thanks for your superb and consistent support. Got up early this morning and there were 3 messages…Are you awake (2230), I was thinking about sex and you are the only man who knows how to do it (2305). Can I come over (2306)….You must have someone else….Note earlier her query was do you have your son…to which I responded in a dignified way…Sorry for late reply (did this on purpose) Yes. Hope your flu is better.

        I just do not want to give up on a person, but I guess, with all I have read it is indeed an illusion. I read somewhere above by someone who said once they let go…moved on…then encountered their exBPDgf how disgusted they were with her and at themselves for wasting their time.

        This truly is a bad person. I also read what the fellow from Chicago said…fully understand his rage, wanting to get even…but then I fear with these types there is no getting even, they just do not get it and are angry, manipulative, lost, and worst of all liars to the nonBPD and themselves….how can someone be so fucked up? How can I be so fucked up for ignoring all the flags…and yes in hindsight, they were there…alll the time. Actions, actions and actions is what i need to focus on versus a dream and denial.

        Many thanks. Tom

        PS Do I like danger? What if I had agreed, come on over, been myself and then what…that is what I would love to have, a crystal ball…guess that is with everything in life.

      • Robert "Toerrishuman" said

        “Holding on to angry is like drinking poison and expecting the other person do die.” Buddhist quote

        Tom, you must address your co-dependance now, you are still thinking about your ex, what she is doing and how she will react to you. Stop thinking of her, she can stop thinking of you at the drop of a shoe, quit torturing yourself.

        It is time to be real with life and with yourself. No more living in a world of illusion, which is what a BPD woman wants you to.

        NO CONTACT!!

      • Tom said

        This is exactly what I need to hear. Thanks!

      • Tom said

        Robert and Savory Dish, I read and read this site, other inputs, stories, support words, recovering BPD etc daily. This is what keeps me going and being the ‘best’ I can be to myself. Yes shutting out the abuse certainly helps.

        Just another quick memory…we were in a restaurant with my son…she quipped, ah yes, last time your father and I was here I stabbed him with my fork and smiled. My son looked at me, I shrugged and said, yep that is her way of getting her point through to me. He asked what did I do to deserve that…I was confused since I did not remember what caused her to do that….and blood was gushing out of my hand. She answered my son…your father was bullying me as usual. Again, I am not a bully, never have been and in fact have an aversion to bullies no matter what.

        Spoke later to my son and explained that it was rubbish she said. I reminded him that I went to very strict schools in Africa (various places) and we wore uniforms and corporal punishiment was the norm…and happened often. The only real scar I took from those days was disdain and dislike to being wrongly accused and punished for something I did not do…thus I to this day dislike bullies.

        What is your opinions, or need I ask about the conversation in the second paragraph.

        You guys, through this site have truly made me feel that I am not so fucked up as anyone else…except BPD people.

        br Tom

        PS Please feel free to ask any specific questions which I will gladly share and perhaps get closure on incidients and events…there are so many.

      • Robert "Toerrishuman" said

        Tom, no one is going to ask you about your past. Please leave the past in the past. Move forward and forget about yesterday, learn from you past mistakes so you do not repeat them anymore.

        “The definition of insanity is repeating the same behavior and expecting a different result each and every time.”

        Robert.

      • Sammy C said

        Hello All , I believe in the healing and understanding power of music…..All a song writer is …is someone who knew how to put life experience in to words and music….With that said , I would tell those in pain to go listen to Chris Isaak …Heart Shaped World CD…..Pay close attention to the titled song I will post lyrics to that song , But before I do …The song kinda explains how we as nons we made a fool out of our selves !

        Heart Shaped World

        Trouble , going round, Trouble going down.

        What happened to your little baby? What happened to your little girl ?

        She said She would always love you. In your heart shaped world!

        Trouble , going round, Trouble in this town.

        What happened to your little baby? What happened to your little girl?

        She left you out there crying , In your heart shaped world!

        I know what love means to you, I love you too.

        It hurts too watch her laugh at you, with someone new.

        Trouble, trouble

        Trouble going round round round round , Round

        Big cold sunless skies tumbling down down down down

        What happened to your little baby? What happened to your little girl?

        You said she would always love you. In your heart shaped world.

        Repeat : In your Heart shaped world !!

        The end!

        This might help explain why we stayed with such a abusive person.

        In my case I made it easy for the Sick whack bitch , Hey So I have love in my heart , Thats a weakness of mine , I chose love over hate! Oh Well! What makes Chris Isaak so special is that in his hay day he used to date a lot of Super Models and after they would break up he would write songs about it, so ya think he’s been out with a borderline or two..? Ya Think!

        Also listen to Nothings Changed
        and pull up the lyrics to these songs and you’ll see what I know!

      • Robert "toerrishuman" said

        Bravo Sammy! I too believe in the healing power of music! When I was in my BPD relationship for 4 years, believe it or not I stopped listening to music. I believe I just stopped living, my life was no longer mine, it was all for my ex BPD for the taking and believe it or not I use to be a disc jockey. I was just lost.

        I am addressing my ego now, which I believe is the cause to my co-dependance and low self-teem. I feel amazing!! I can really see a light at the end of the tunnel! I am so grateful and blessed that I am no longer in the fog.

        Whatever it takes to get your soul back do it!! Live in the real world, the world of illusion no longer serves you and with sites like this, you will wake up!

        From gratitude. 🙂

      • Sammy C said

        Ok Im going to keep it moving , Im feeling a melancholy today , but not really just reflecting I guess ….Not really mad at all just thinking how screwed up these people are and what gets me more than any thing is the action of outsiders and enablers , I still really don’t understand waht they have to gain by having her in their corner , It not like she hold the keys to trump tower or can get favors from Mayor Emanuel, Or Richard Daly or something..LOL , She just a trick that bats her till colored little eyes and makes you feel sorry for her if you don’t know her , trust me this tactic doesn’t work in her home town , or the town where she went to college, She fools unknowing people !

        What that little rant I would like to post another Song This one Prob. has more meaning and will really hit home with some people here……..I know you want to fight back and say something that will wake the crazy ex up ….Sorry It more than likely won’t work …If so good luck! But If you should send anything in a moment of weakness , or hear anything , or if just for your own thoughts Play this song!

        Its by Elton John , 1973 Goodbye Yellow Brick Road CD

        It is Called I’ve seen that Movie Too!!!!

        I can see by your eyes you must be lying

        When you think I don’t have a clue
        Baby You’re Crazy

        If you think you can fool me

        Because I’ve seen that movie too

        The one where the players are acting surprised
        Saying love is just a four letter word
        Between forcing smiles, with knives in their eyes
        Well their actions become so absurd

        So keep your Auditions for somebody
        Who hasn’t got so much to lose
        Cause you can tell by the lines I’m reciting
        That I’ve seen that movie too

        Its a habit I have , I don’t get pushed around
        So stop twinkling your star like you do
        I’m not the blueprint for all of your “B” films
        Because I’ve seen that movie Too

        (REPEAT COURSE)

        So keep your Auditions for somebody
        Who hasn’t got so much to lose
        Cause you can tell by the lines I’m reciting
        That I’ve seen that movie too!!!!

        I hope this helps to bring someone a clearer picture !!!!!

      • Sammy C said

        Well Since I on a roll I just think I might just Post One more!

        This is it guys , Hope it helps!!!! Imma chance a few of the words so you’ll really be able to get it …Pull it up on YOU TUBE its by Elton John

        ALL THE GIRLS LOVE ALICE

        Raised to be a lady by the Golden Rule
        Alice/My BPD EX ,was most likely the spawn of a public school
        With a bouble barrel name in the back of her brain
        And a simple case of MOMMA-Doesn’t -Love-Me blues

        Reality it seems was just a dream
        She couldn’t get it on with the boys on the Scene
        But what do you expect with a chick who’s just sixteen
        And hey , Hey, Hey , you know what I mean

        (Chorus)

        All the young girls love Alice
        Tender young Alice they say
        Come over and see me come over and Please me
        Alice its my turn today

        All the young girls love alice
        Tender young alice they say
        If I give you my number will you promise to call me
        Wait til my lover /Husbands away

        Poor little darling with a chip out of her heart
        Its like acting in a movie when you got the wrong part
        getting your kicks in someone else’s bed
        And it was only last tuesday they found her in a subway dead

        And who could you call your friend down in SoHo
        One or two …middle aged i’ll just say fools in a GO GO
        And what do you expect from a 30 something year old YO YO
        And hey hey Hey, Oh don’t ya know

        (Repeat Chorus)

        Now take your BPD , NPD, Sociopath ex and instead of using Alice use their name,,,And there you have it, A pretty good explanation of who they are and who they were before you met them!!!

    • Will said

      I went back again…….
      I did not listen, we tried have kids (IVF) once that didn’t work she just walked away. Split me black, and that is where I am as of today.

      I should have listened to all of the advice.

      This time I will try and listen.

    • TB said

      Savorydish, help!!! The smear campaign has begun. I have maintained NC with my ex undiagnosed BPD/HPD since Valentine’s day. What steps should I take, how do I avoid this, what should I do..hide? The above text is very relevant, proxies, family members etc.

      Tell me what to do. No am not going back, this relationship in 16 months it survived has had 7 recycles. Now I guess she was already triangulating or had someone to bounce to. Anyway, she has never had any problem meeting men and she is 110% BPD/HPD (albeit not suicidal that am aware of).

      Please describe what and how you handled it. Thanks

      • savorydish said

        You can’t stop the smear campaign. You can only distance yourself from the drama. Seek the comfort of friends and family. All you can do is take care of yourself. That is all you can do.

      • TB said

        Please Savorydish…I need more guidance than that…her shop is downstairs, Helsinki is a very small town….you can email directly…I really need guidance…steps, etc

      • savorydish said

        TB I am giving you all the guidance you need. But you are not listening. Remove yourself from the drama immediately and seek help from a professional. I’m not dismissing your pain. I understand all of it. I understand you are confused and panicked. That is why you need to seek professional help.

      • TB said

        Where I am professional help is not available. Thus I have to utilize me instincts. If I went to a professional locally they would be clueless what I am talking about. Thus I rely on experience coupled with my gut feeling…am doing everything to distance myself totally. Laying low, avoiding, NC etc.

      • savorydish said

        There are professionals online. If you have a computer or a phone you have access to all kinds of specialists who will know exactly what you are talking about.

      • Tom said

        Hi SD, need some advice. Last night I got an SMS from the ex which stated: Return the two lamps so I am less angry.

        Note I have maintained no contact. Moreover, in a earlier break up I said the proper thing to do is return the diamond rings. Moreover, she has begun this smear campaign.

        Should I ignore? Return the lamps? Should I mention the rings? Should I request the rings in a response/exhange? Should I maintain NC?

        Thoughts?

      • savorydish said

        Well, if the lamps will get her out of your life, it might be worth it. And I think you are well within your rights to ask for the rings back.

      • Tom said

        SD, thanks for quick advice. I returned the lamps via my neighbor who is renting from me and knows the ex. Just to ensure there is a witness. Re the rings, she maintains I gave them to her, just like she gave the lamps to me. But better if I do and say nothing. She can look/wear the rings and remember perhaps. Hope this sends her a message that I will have nothing to do with her ever. She lied, abused and cheated and now semars me…I will have to roll with the punches.

      • savorydish said

        No worries. I hope it ends the drama.

    • Arthur W Langille said

      Yeah I spent most of my life dealing with bpd women. 1st my mom. I was the last out of 8 children. Funny only the 1st 2 look like dad. Witnessed my mother’s constant anxiety and abuse of my father who was a shell of a man. She had no love for us and when not pacing with anxiety was disassociated and numb. Neglected and invisible. Tried real hard to be perfectly good. Nothing. Anger set in in early teen. I went worse and worse, but still was invisible. 8 brothers and sisters. 20 years between us and they all scattered and are not close.
      I went to prison straight after high school. Did learn personal responsibility from it. Got out, got a job, construction, on the radio all week only at my apartment on the weekends. First girl I meet I fall for her sob story that her mom run off and she has no place to live. I said she could stay at my place. Of course that leads to sex after drinking on the weekends. I get her pregnant. Do the wrong thing and marry someone I don’t love. She immediately turns into witch waif type and 5 years of hell and 2 children later and a house and new car. Which her low functioning button didn’t earn. Restraining ordered me out of the house and had my drug dealing replacement in the house that night. She was a witch and would go way out of her way to punish me and get me arrested. It was just hell. Anyway the very next girl I met was a beautiful 19 year old sweetheart. She was attractive and he’ll on wheels. Love bombed me to the moon. She worked with my soon to be exes sister and had learned all about me so she mirrored my wants perfectly from day 1. First red flag other than love bombing was when I met her mom. I’m 28 she 19. I got history ok. I thought I would see laser beams from mom’s eyes, but it was like I was the Pope. The whole time I knew them mother never disagreed with daughter on anything. Odd. Anyway I was now a foreman in construction company and had a few friends. I guess I was to successful and needed to be isolated so she talked me into moving down south. Which sounded good to get away from my ex. This girl was now my very best friend ever. We moved. She always had a car and got her on jobs and did great at whatever she did. I got a power job and started out at the bottom. Still things were great just the 2 of us deep in love. Almost 6 years in I married her I figured she waited long enough. After marriage small cracks in her quiet bpd waif type mask started coming out during menstrual cycles. The rapid mood swings. The 5 different girls. The impulsively was always there. The booze and weed smoking was always there. Anyway few and far in between cracks. First childbirth aftermath, crazy came out. Needed meds for depression and anxiety. She’s in college at this time to be a teacher. Deans list you know. I’m a foreman now in my job and got a huge raise. She graduates college but before that we spent lots of time and money getting my 1st 2 kids from 1st wife. Anyway after college she now wants to move back home to teach. I said no I’m second in line for the general foreman job and have no interest in starting over. She nagged and nagged punished and then recruited my children in the attack. She beat me down and I gave an inch and said she could go back and get set up and I would stay here. Options open either way. I would be Mr. Mom until I could get something worth while. If she hated it there to come back. 10 months later I had to make the decision to move or not and I followed my family. Sabotaged my life again. First 2 kids run back to ex saying step-mom was crazy. Drama. Anyway Mr. Mom worked under the table for a year and had to pay child support again. Had child #2 with wife. She has psychotic break after birth and gets admitted. Diagnosed rapid cycling bipolar disorder and reacted to new antidepressant. After she got out. She started meds but everything seemed to get worse not better. Drinking smoking weed popping pills just to put her brain down to sleep. My best friend is gone and a never anything is good enough nag is there. Sure still some good times if she gets her way. Now it is always a battle for control. Got a good job for here and bought a house. After 20 years it was now a complete 180. It was like she had a check list of what I was to give to her and when I got her the last one it was time to orchestrate the discard. I had picked up a few traits from her and I was isolated and she had control. I was a shell beaten. The discard nearly killed me. Restraining order same as first wife. My first 2 kids and 1 sister saved me. I got a therapist and meds. She sucked me back in I had come up with bpd and my therapist rolled his eyes. I thought it was me. Had a great summer getting used. Fall came and she is now 40. Her bpd episodes are now powerful and unhideable. Rages broke out for the first I saw. I later learned she raged in her car a lot. Anyway she picked a fight and restraining order discarded me again. I filed for divorce. Stop disrespecting me I said. Silent treatment and painted me black and moved on like nothing.she got the boys. She is higher functioning and with her family support I wasn’t going to win. I would have sounded crazy. She of course had me arrested and threatened me with jail if I didn’t leave them alone. Oh dejavu. I pretty much must run away again. They are sick and who does a 20 year con? Really I believe hormone changes brought this about. Rejection abandonment sensitivity coupled with boredom and viewing I have given her all I could. Now for an upgrade and all new change.
      I now learn all I can to heal and forgive myself and these sick people.

  2. Zan said

    Man, there is absolutely nothing truer than what you’ve written here. I’m coming out of the pain of being split to black and I am finally becoming able to see clearly and to help other guys who are being manipulated by borderline women. I tell them – GET OUT NOW!

    I recently stumbled up on this song and it has given me a lot of hope and strength when I think about how I have changed since my xBPD best friend split me black (and when I imagine a scenario of her trying to reach out to me again). Listen carefully to the lyrics:

    • savorydish said

      Thanks Zan. Both you and I can confirm that it does get better. We have the benefit of hindsight.

      To those people who have just been split black, I would say be patient. Recovery takes time. Longer than you would think. Give yourself the patience that the borderline was incapable of giving you. Careless people will tell you to “move the fuck on”. Ignore them. These are histrionic borderlines covering up their own shame.

      I know this sounds mushy. But the only way you can fill the void left by the borderline, is to fill it with self-love. You will be tempted to blame yourself for mistakes. But there was nothing you could do. The borderline’s fate is sealed by their disorder and their reluctance to seek treatment.

      The reason why they split you black is not because you are a bad person. It’s because borderlines have an extreme fear of intimacy. They are running away from intimacy, not you. Stop blaming yourself. Whatever the borderline said to devalue you or demonize you is a delusion. It was necessary for them to believe in order to quickly detach and move on to the next victim.

      If the borderline carelessly abandoned you, they have done you a huge favor. They kicked you off a sinking ship. They have revealed their darkside. Never forget the way they treated you. Because if you let them back into your life, you can be assured that they will treat you the same way again. The untreated borderline is a silent abuser. And their abusive tendencies are triggered by intimacy. Until they have had years of treatment, this will always be the case. Do not fool yourself into believing otherwise. Good luck.

      • Mark said

        I should also point out that at the beginning of our relationship she did state that her ex “scared” her with his crazy statements about her. I have recently remembered tearfully saying that and now I happen to be the one who she is “a little frightened” about. I guess it really is true that the BPD personality does often follow the same pattern. My big mistake (or not really I guess) was sending her a link to a site that talked about the traits of people with personality disorders and telling her that she had many of the traits. She really was almost enraged by my saying that the site with that information had helped me to figure her out a little. She even mailed it back to me once when I was trying to get her to talk to me. I really must have been needy to not see this all before.

      • Susan said

        Just wanna point out that there are also Bordeline men who are just as manipulative and destructive. Also, why on earth would you want to be ‘friends’ with a BPD ex? I think It’s healthy to be friends with an ex who you broke up with because your lives were going different directions or you just weren’t compatible with. But anyone who is abusive towards you or manipulates you was never your ‘friend’ to begin with. It is a blessing in disguise to be left alone by someone like that. Just try to remind yourself every day of all the ways you love yourself and how you DESERVE to be treated. Then remind yourself that this person did not treat you that way.

      • Dm said

        I can tell you first hand that this is the the truth. My bpd ex has left me over 10 times in four years & always over some minor incident that he turned into a major blow up. I took him back each time hoping he would realize hes wrong but it happens over & over..I am so defeated

      • savorydish said

        That is the classic scenario. We all hope that they will realize they are emotionally unstable. But it only shows you how little self awareness they have.

    • Mark said

      That song is amazing. It breaks your heart. I am still reeling and even questioning if it was not her but me. I was told I have serious issues when I kept trying to be friends and not get cut out of her life. My angry responses to her callousness were said to be the problem and an indication that I have “issues”. I admit that I do have issues but I never wanted to be someone she used to know. I guess I have to. I must be very immature. I just don’t know.

      • savorydish said

        We all have issues. But when you find yourself in these kinds of relationship, it is important to keep things in perspective. If you are involved with someone who is very manipulative, they will go out of their way to prove that you are the crazy one. Wanting to stay friends with an ex is a healthy impulse. Cutting someone out of your life when all they did was love you is a sign of real issues.

      • Mark said

        I know I have problems and the silent treatment I got repeatedly from her, over time, welled up in me to the point where I would be so angry that I would verbally lash out. I would then feel badly and apologize repeatedly, to the point of almost groveling and still it made no difference. All she would say is that I always bring up the old drama and that I (me) am incapable of forgiving. When I would bring up anything about the past and how she would flirt(to the point of kissing) another guy, she would just dismiss it by saying that I could not forgive and that she had just had too much to drink. I am not even really sure that she was not having other relationships with guys she seemed to communicate with a lot. I wonder if she would also just stop talking to them for days or weeks at a time.
        Earlier this year I got fed up with the distance she was putting between us again and I wanted an explanation. The upshot was
        more no-communication for days. What I did was to try and get her to see me. I asked her to meet for lunch with no response.
        The next day I sent a text saying that I would leave her alone if she did not love me anymore. Her response was then rapid– “No to both – meeting and love.” I was crushed, of course. I never, ever expected her to say that. To discard me so easily.

      • Mark said

        About a week ago I wrote her a long e-mail just trying to say, again, that I wanted to be friends. I asked her in the letter why she would not answer any of my attempts at contact for several days, even weeks and she responded by saying that she was “busy” and did not have the time to re-hash the old drama.She then went on to say that I have “serious emotional issues” that she did not want to be part of and that it was a bit frightening. How wanting to keep someone in your life who you felt close to could frighten someone is something that I could not fathom. But I then also realized that she had not even read the text of the letter or she would have known I just wanted to remain in contact. I am amazed that she could imply I was a bit crazy and not take any of the responsibility for all the issues we had. She would often give me the silent treatment or no- response treatment throughout our relationship so I guess her eventual need was to finally split me black. I would so often be the one to try and make peace in our relationship that I am sure she knew I was an easy mark and very co-dependant.
        I alternate between anger and missing her, I just cannot figure out how to forget. I guess that is the difference betweem me and her. It will take a long time to get over this hurt.

      • Marie said

        Mark,
        It’s tough for us to get over them and they make it seem like it’s easy for them to get over us but that is not completely true. They don’t forget, they remember also but choose to remember things in their own way. They have to blame us for everything that went wrong in order to not feel the intense guilt and shame that comes along with their condition. I don’t know how to tell you to get over this because it’s truly one of the most challenging things you will ever face. Keep reaching out to us here who understand what you are going through because we’ve been there or are still there.
        Hugs,
        Marie

      • Mark said

        As far as Susan’s note, I guess I should not want to be friends with a BP that, in fact, turned out to be a manipulative, cold person. The good memories were just an illusion created by the insensitive, mean, un-empathetic, shallow person I only saw glimpses of toward the end. It was an illusion that I became addicted to, a false mistress that I wanted to believe in.
        Any person that can cut you off without compunction or care never loved you or was even your friend. These types of women are truly scary and when you see their real personality peek out from behind the curtain it is a little frightening.

      • Runwaybride said

        I believe I have this condition. I happened upon it as I was researching information to prove to my fiancé he has Aspbergers . He agrees his symptoms are right on… But while I was “projecting” I found my own symptoms. Feelings? Devestation, anger, humiliation, shame, guilt, disgust. I called the people closest to me that I’d hurt. I told my fiancé too, we’d been having arguments because he was not very emotional, and he was initially and I thought maybe having our baby had soured our live life a bit and we could get it back, when nothing worked I went on a google mission to fis out what either him OR I was doing wrong. I get so sad when I read the groups, not because the lovers don’t have a right to be pissed. They do, but because of how hopeless it sounds. I don’t want to live like this. I’m trying everything I can to change this way of thinking but there’s a lot it consider that’s unanswerable… How do I know if it’s a symptom or If what he’s doing is really unfair? If I think I’m out of love is that split black? What I feel perfectly great when he’s being helpful around the home a bit and atleast texts me taometimes in the day? I have to question every thougy I make sink don’t at or do something hurtful. I really love him regardless of how incapable of love people think I am. If its not love fine.. It’s something… I care I they are hurt, if they are lonely, if they live, if they die.. I care with everything in me. I just want to say I’m sorry everyone here got hurt by this condition. I advise trying to leave a window open or a book so they can read it themselves without you putting it in thier face.. As I read down the line of the relationship part on bpd family I cried.. I didn’t want to keep reading but I was too tired of the bad endings and rough relationships, too tired of being what my family deemed @the runaway bride” as I’d leave propel just as they wanted to marry me. I want things to work with my fiancé.. I tell him I think it’s best I be alone buy he wants to ride this out. I do find myself trying to end it becaus I know I’m fudged up.. And I need to work on it, but he won’t let it be, oddly I can not just blank him out as I have done with all but one other partner, another one I feel I genuinely loved. We can feel, we can love, we can be good wives and good friends.. It takes time, and if it’s every unsafe please leave immediately.. But i am sorry for all the nastiness I spewed and all the love I wasted that I could have enjoyed and I’m sorry this condition exists.. I thought my cousin and his molestation and my dads physicall abuse hadn’t phased me.. I thought I’d won… I hadn’t .. I merely became unaware of the mess I had become and would become to others. We don’t mean it and anyone who learns the have it and doesn’t even try to get help, isn’t worthy of your efforts either.

      • savorydish said

        Sorry. I just found this comment in the comment section. I just wanted to thank you for taking some ownership of your disorder. Even though we don’t know you, your acknowledgement and confirmation helps us all to heal. Feel free to update us on your condition and situation. Be well, SD.

    • JED said

      ZEN!! This is a very late reply..I hope you have found happiness since then. I met a BPD for a short while and..hmm….hopefully never again….Anyway, after listening to this song, i cant get enough of this band! Thank you so much for introducing me to this music!!!

  3. Jason said

    I have been researching bpd for many months now and let a borderline gf back into my life. Things were good for a few months until her old ways again. It sucks to be going through this a second time but I also made her aware of her disorder. She now says she needs help and how years of verbal abuse from her mother is why she is this way. I loved this person with all my heart but no matter what you do its not good enough. Its been a huge wake up call to me but I’m glad I went through it. This is a horrible disease and I wouldn’t hope it on anybody. Keep your head up because there is always better times ahead. I found the hardest thing is removing these people from your household. The threats are horrible and bpd’s can toy with emotions. I’m just glad it went smoothly the second time without the use of the law. They will make your life a hell and they don’t care. Its like fighting with a 5 year old. I just wish more people knew about this disorder.

    • Hey Jason…Your BPD ex sounds a lot like my Ex BPD , she hates her father and TOTALLY despises her mother……..Mine I do believe is also a Narsiccits & Sex Addict…..I even saw some HPD in her…man I was green to all this , it made me very angry ……I was glad I was able to keep my emotions in check, I really believe she was the victim of Sexual abuse from some close family member, I can’t prove that though….She went as far as getting proxies slander my name , I know for a fact she is Textbook Borderline ….everything I have read in this post on the net she did in a six month period…and thats the truth. Good luck man …..I was gulity of trying to simply love someone, Thought I had landed the chick of my dreams…Will I know now. Sammy

    • Tim said

      I appreciate the chance to read your post. I just let my bpd ex gf back into my life this last weekend after NC for more than two weeks. She and I have broken up probably 8 times this year…and she is a master hoover. I have realized that my connection is unhealthy and dangerous to my mental and emotional well being. This last weekend she sent me a sweety pie text that got me to meet her for a seasonal fall trip to a touristy spot in the foothills near my home. We had fun initially..then a discussion sprang up about blame…who is to blame for all our issues. I said honorably that I would accept as much as 60 percent blame…as useless as blame really is…in order to see if she would stand up and admit to the 40. She was irate and instantly defiant that I would even suggest that she had ANY blame. She truly sees it all as my doing. We continued back to where we left her car…and she asked along the way if I would recite the things that she has done to make up the 40 percent blame I was claiming as hers. I asked..respectfully..to have the balance of the evening to collect my thoughts and answer her in a way that gave a complete picture of how I was feeling….SHE LOST IT! She thinks I blew her off…disrespected her. She feels my request was selfish to the core…her words. She demanded that I apologize and say to her that I have been cruel and heartless and that I am sorry for blowing her off and trivializing her feelings. I saw my request as respectful…considerate of her in the sense that the answer I was going to give was going to be a well thought out one. She sees my actions and heartless and I see them as wanting to be considerate and respectful. Our view of the exact same situation became clearly polar opposites of each other. When she demanded I brand myself as the evil doer she felt I was…I refused..setting a boundary. Was that the right thing to do? I dont see that I did anything wrong. Someone tell me if I truly am losing it here. Her anger and rage in subsequent emails and texts is almost scary its sooo off the charts. I am really at wits end.

      • Tim said

        I wrote the above comments but didnt attach the reply notice. I would really appreciate hearing from anyone on this. This relationship has been on and off for two and a half years and I know I need to save myself.

      • Marie said

        Tim,
        Please do yourself a favor and go NO CONTACT. You are trying to reason with someone who does not think logically. She will put all the blame on your because that is her reality. My ex BPD boyfriend is the same way. Once I left for good and went no contact I was able to heal and move on with my life. I don’t look back and can’t believe all the abuse I put up with especially the verbal abuse. She will never see your point of view she is too selfish.
        Lean on everyone here. Savory Dish and this blog helped me to understand so muchand to heal. I can never thank him enough for that.
        I don’t care what CUTEY PIE thing she says or does in the future it is just a ploy to hoover you back and take vengeance out on you for the things she created in her mind against you. They are MASTER maniupulators. There is no reasoning with them. Changet your number, block her emails and move on. Once you heal you will find a nice normal woman to have a real relationship with instead of being shaken like a rag doll when the mood strikes here.
        Good luck!
        Hugs,
        Marie

      • savorydish said

        Tim,
        There’s really nothing to figure out. You are tangled in her web. The only way out is to remove yourself from the drama. Clear your mind. Spend time with friends and family. And never speak to this woman again.
        SD

  4. Zan said

    Savory,

    I’ve got an idea for a post. I’d write something myself, but you are a much better writer and are more knowledgeable about BPD.

    Could you compose an open letter to someone who has been split black by a BPD? The purpose of the letter would be to tell the person why (amidst the pain and rejection) they should try and find things to be happy about – that they are better off without the BPD in their lives.

    I know when I’ve been able to focus on things like that, it has been very helpful for my recovery.

    Just an idea.

    Zan

  5. Jackie said

    What about the borderline that is being treated that has split you black? Is it worth waiting or reaching out? He’s 56 years old.

    • savorydish said

      That’s a tough question, Jackie. If someone is at least willing to seek help, there’s some hope. But it’s not going to be a fun ride. It takes years for someone to get better and, even then, the disorder will always be there.

      There’s not much you can do when a borderline splits you black. As this article points out, the borderline will become hostile if you try to reach out. You have tripped their intimacy alarms. They are running away from their fears of rejection/abandonment. Your dedication to this person will only make them feel suffocated. This is a person whose self-esteem is so low, they think something must be wrong with you in order for you to love them. Why would you want to wait for a person like this?

      If they are not willing to treat you with the respect you deserve, then I say “good riddance”. You deserve better. BPD is an explanation, not an excuse for abusive behavior. It’s great that he’s in treatment. But if he’s split you that is telling you that he is a long way from recovery. Save yourself, detach and find someone who can emotionally give you what you need. This well is empty. I know that’s not what you want to hear. But that’s what you need to hear. I know because I’ve been there. Take care.

      • Jackie said

        No, I appreciate the candor. He’s been in therapy for 7 years, and is a huge proponent of cognitive behavioral therapy. He spent his adult life as an attorney, but is only a few credits shy of his phd in psychology (long ago though). Journals, and has been so mindful of self improvement. In a year, this is the literally the first major split, and boy do I sense the difference from the other handful of “problems” in the relationship we’ve had this past year.

        You know, I never ever thought of myself as a codependent personality, but I’m leaning that way now. This guy is a bonafide genius, multi-lingual, absolutely brilliant…and face it, those deep emotions are quite attractive, when you’re not the butt-end of the dark ones.

        You know, you wonder if it wouldn’t be better that it were NPD because then you’d know the whole thing was an illusion, but with BPD, one really can’t be sure if it were real or not. Why would I want to stay? That’s easy–if it were real, and mind you, this guy fits the checklist of everything I’ve ever looked for in a man–and he were to be for the most part on his way to improvement, well, one hates to give up the dream I suppose.

        Again, out of the countless hours of research I’ve done on this, this short little board and this reply has probably been the most helpful.

        J

      • savorydish said

        Thanks Jackie. I totally get what you are saying. Sadly, I’m finding out that many smart and talented people are disordered in some way. Many of them are compensating for what they lack emotionally. But the attraction is understandable.

        Realize there is a some subtext here. The attraction is not just based on the positive. In a co-dependent relationship much of the attraction is based on the negative. You are most likely repeating patterns of the past. Following the familiar. Most people like us have a history of dysfunctional relationships. So rather than wait for your BP love to come back to you, it behooves you to take a long hard look at yourself. I have spent the good part of this year doing just that.

        When you are in a healthier state, healthy people will gravitate towards you. What should be at the top of your checklist is a man who is emotionally stable and treats you right. Everything else is secondary. Good luck.

      • zay said

        should i send these words of wisdom to the bpd???

      • savorydish said

        Depends what type of reaction you’re expecting. If you’re hoping the BP will snap out of it, don’t count on it. Though I will say this blog is a good litmus test. The BPs who have a chance, react well. They are apologetic, sympathetic and generally own up to their disorder. The ones who react violently are hopeless cases. These are BPs in firm denial. Just be prepared to be split black or cut entirely out of the BP’s life. Good luck.

  6. savorydish said

    The silent treatment is a brutal brutal form of emotional abuse, especially in the hands of a master manipulator. That person is most likely punishing you for some perceived rejection or slight.

    Even a friendship lost can be a traumatic loss. That is testament to the fact that these people are good at what they do. They draw people in only to spit them out. Such betrayal leaves permanent scars. Give yourself time to heal. Good luck.

  7. Alex said

    This is a good article and I agree 100%.

  8. Zan said

    Your story sounds a lot like mine. Most BPD stories I read deal with romantic relationships, but mine (and yours) dealt with a friendship.

    My exBPD best friend was like my sister. She was like my twin – or so I thought. We had so many good times together, until after years of friendship she split me black.

    Now I realize that I really never knew her – she mirrored me the entire time. That has been one of the hardest things, realizing someone you thought was your twin was actually a stranger and a manipulator.

    I don’t want to be guilty of splitting her black, but becoming her friend was the worst decision I ever made in my life.

    Savory Dish is right – these people are sinking ships, and as hard as it is, it is good your friend is not around. When it sank, you would have gone down with it.

    One way I’ve worked on recovering, instead of remembering the things we used to do and how close we were and feeling melancholy about it, I focus on how blessed I am to have her f-ing ass out of my life.

    It sounds harsh, but it is helpful – focus on the positive. And believe me, it is positive not having someone like this in your life.

    • Zan said

      This reply is for Nice’s reply to my reply…

      It’s been over six months now and there is not a day that has gone by that I haven’t thought of her. Sometimes I feel angry for the way I was treated, other days I am sad and I miss her and I wish that I could talk to her. Today is one of those days – we used to spend Thanksgiving together. It takes months, if not years to really “get over” a Borderline, even one who was just a friend.

      Even now, reading your story helps me. I’ve read lots of them, and they are always the same. I wish I would have know more before I began the friendship, but it is too late now. I did have friends warn be about her, that she was using me and that she was nuts – but I never listened.

      Most people who were involved with Borderlines have a pattern of doing. Looking back, most of the girls I dated when Iw as younger where probably BPD. So as much as she might be sick, there is something in us that leads us to them. So use this time to gain more self-knowledge. I learned that the reason I gravitate towards them is because of my relationship with my mom growing up. I’m going to therapy now, and it helps. But it is something I am going to have to be aware of for the rest of my life. I’m always going to have to be careful.

      Never forget (esp. if she tries to contact you again) – borderlines only care about one person – themselves. That is it. You may think they love you, but they don’t. They don’t know how. And especially if your BPD is about 30 years old and over and has never been treated, then chances are slim to none that she will ever get better.

      Focus on yourself. Listen to the Dawes song I posted earlier. Let this experience make you grow stronger and more aware. Keep pressing on, it does get better gradually.

    • Zan said

      Nice,

      I beat myself up too because I did not see the BPD. She was not your classic Borderline, but a Borderline Waif – one that always plays the victim. I still tell myself I should have seen it, especially when so many of my good friends warned me. No use crying over spilt milk though.

      Every BPD is different, she could split you white tomorrow and try to contact you. But remember, anybody who treated you the way she did could easily do it again. Besides, nobody deserves to be treated that way in the first place. Hopefully you have some friends you can talk to about this, who will talk some sense into you if she ever tries to get back in touch with you. If need be, contact Savory Dish and he will remind you of the type of person you are dealing with.

      Keep pressing on, it gets better. It just takes a long time. But you’re not the only one who as gone through it. And hopefully, you’ll be able to help others one day avoid situations like this.

      Zan

  9. jemmyd said

    wow you guys must really hate people with this mental disorder,I am dx with borderline personality disorder and bipolar disorder comorbidty I am horrified to think that the only person I love (my husband) has to live the rest of his life with me. He would be much better off with out me but has no confidence in finding a better woman.
    I try to be a better wife- try to stop the “all or nothing statements” – keep absolutely no friends so I won’t be tempted to start drama, and have absolutely no contact with anyone but my doctors and my husband (and check out cashiers at supermarkets.) I try to be good everyday and take my medicine but sometimes get depressed or really bored. When in a manic episode I can feel like I’m doing well-feeling well- but thats just part of the overall problem. From all the B.P.D afflicted people who have made all of your lives miserable I apologize, I wish I was normal like everyone else, but that can never happen.

    • savorydish said

      You don’t need to apologize for other people, but thank you for your genuine concern. Your sincerity and compassion makes me believe you have a chance. Owning up to your disorder is always a positive sign. And for the record, I don’t hate people with this disorder. I hate people who don’t take responsibility for the pain they have caused others. But I have lots of respect for people who have taken ownership of their behavior despite having this terrible condition. best of luck.

    • Wow, you sound like my BPD wife! I love her with all of my heart, but I don’t think she can or will get any better! I feel helpless, and even with all of this good information, I going have a hard time getting over her( 26 years and 6 kids).. This is where I am learning to put my trust in God! Is there no hope at all to save my marriage ?

      • savorydish said

        That’s rough my friend. 26 years and 6 kids later, that sounds like an eternity. If she hasn’t changed in that amount of time, the chances are slim. She needs more than divine intervention, she needs serious help. She must save herself before either of you can save the marriage. Please take care of yourself and the children first. Make sure they are protected from this terrible disease. They may need help as well.

  10. marcus healey said

    Dear SavoryDish,

    I can fully sympathise with all those on this site who have encountered a borderline. The pain is like a fire of a thousand suns. The last time I heard from her was 24th Dec where she split from me via email, citing the “things” I had done to her and the fact that I have a daughter from a previous relationship. That really cut me.

    I suffered emotionally and physically, my Blood Pressure went up enough to cause nose bleeds. However now I’m on the mend. Since this is relatively new, I’ve kind of got over her. In some ways I think that if she does get back, then I’ll do it on condition she gets treated. On reading more about it and on your site, I think this is a bad bad idea. Borderlines never seem to have the capability to reform their nasty ways.

    Its a shame because in every interaction with her I tried to be as a normal as possible, however I now realise she was on another planet.

    Thanks for the site!!!

    Marc

    • savorydish said

      Thank you, Marc. I would never say never. Everyone deserves a chance. But it takes years and years to recover and even then they are never fully recovered. So be cautious. Heal yourself first before you think about getting involved with someone that messed up again.

  11. Confused said

    I keep wondering why it’s so hard to let go of a BP. My bff and I had the best and most intense friendship ever. Unhealthy? Definitely, super unhealthy. I gave her ALL my time and energy. Even my money. It all fell into this great bottomless pit.

    All of a sudden she cut me off, gave me the worst silent treatment for 2 months. Completely ignored me. Then she out of the blue lashed out. She literally blamed me for every little thing and half of what she says isn’t even true. But less than 48 hours after the rage, she was the sweetest person again. So different.
    Why is it so hard to let go of her? She started talking to me again for a few weeks, like nothing happened. But then she did it again, cut me off for a few weeks. And every time she cuts me off I terribly miss her. I am hurt when she doesn’t write me or contacts me, scared that I’m never gonna hear from her again. So I try to move on. But just when I feel like I’m doing okay, moving on, she writes me again. It’s as if she knows! And then I’m hurt because she writes me. Hurt because I know we can never go back. Hurt because I know I have to go no contact to protect my sanity.

    Why is it so hard? I am hurt when she doesn’t write me, and hurt when she does!

    • savorydish said

      Dear Confused,

      If you keep reading this blog, you will know exactly why it is so hard to let go. You are addicted. Addicted to the attention she gave you. Addicted to the intensity of the relationship. You are desperately clinging on hoping things will go back to the way it was. It doesn’t help that she is playing you like a yo-yo. She is playing with your mind. This is mental abuse. DO NOT put up with it. The only person who can end this abuse is YOU. Do not expect her to become a better human being. She is fucked up and you need to come to terms with this. You tolerating this kind of abuse is a sign that you have a long history of tolerating abuse. Tolerating hot and cold relationships. Give yourself the respect of putting an end to the madness. You deserve better. You can not save her or the relationship.

    • Zan said

      I agree with Savory. You are addicted, but like a drug, BPD people screw with your mind. Believe me, it is not all your fault. They know how to play your weaknesses and to wrap themselves around your mind and heart where you don’t even realize what’s happened. It know it hurts, I’ve been through it and still go through it. You have go to stay away! Stay away! She will only drag you down deeper. You deserve better than someone like that.

  12. Thewayofmyheart said

    Thank you for commenting guys. I know you are right, addicted is the right word. The most confusing thing is that she keeps talking to me like we did when we were friends. When I asked her why, she said that she doesn’t trust me and said that I am nothing but a ghost from her past. So then I asked her to stop talking to me and said goodbye. As in GOODBYE. This is it, GOODBYE. She completely ignored EVERYTHING I wrote and asked me why I didn’t tell her I got a new cell. I was shocked. So in other words, this is the third time she completely ignores my goodbye and keeps talking to me.
    If it is true what she says, that she doesn’t care about me, then she shouldn’t be talking to me. I don’t talk to people I don’t trust and certainly not ghosts…

    But I decided to just let it all go. I’m tired. Very tired of the pushing and pulling, crazy-making to analyze and over-analyze everything she says and does. I’m working on letting it go and I’m not gonna allow any friend to become part of me like this again.

    Thank you so much. It helps to know i am not alone.

  13. joanne said

    HI, you had a place where you commented about how you keep attracting tragic personalities. I really am desperate to know how you deal with this. it is the most frustrating thing in the world- because it is as tho’ u r giving off signals unconsciously without knowing it! this keeps happening to me and it really gets to me. I am at a place where i need and want to settle down but i will not do so because i have not yet met someone who is comfortable enough in their own skin not to want to change me.how does one attract the ‘right’ people?

    • Sammy said

      @ Joanne , I have only one thing to say to you. God Damn Borderlines Need to change……And right now…., As far as I am concsern you people are the lowest that life has to offer , And I hope and pray to all mighty GOD that I never meet another one…..The reason is cause I won’t be so nice the next time……..:} I am a west side of Chicago boy and that smile if you could see my face is a tad bit crooked…….rapped around a rather large cigar…. YOu can say thats a threat , naw I say its a promise , People don’t have to be nice to you ass holes ,You loser ass people with you false masks , and your lying ways….I know crooks in the street , that have more honor….., Grow up, and stop playing the victim for some crap that happen twenty years ago, stop sleeping with every tom, dick and harry that you meet cause these people who you think are your friends and proxies are only going behind your stupid hillbilly ass back, and talking about ya….”For the love of christ go get help” Stop trying to ingage healthy people, because you are mad because you are not healthy. You can be, again if you just go get help and stop being a fake.

      • savorydish said

        Sammy,
        I feel your anger, but let’s respect people who come here in peace. Let’s be careful not to misplace our own anger. Joanne has been good enough to admit her faults, let’s be good enough to hear her out without attacking her. Not all borderlines are created equal. If a borderline has enough self-awareness to admit she is not well, then let’s welcome her to this blog. Maybe through this blog she can gain insight into her life and take the first steps to recovery. Chasing her off, would only make things worse. Save your rage for people who deserve it. Thanks.
        SD

    • savorydish said

      We all give off signals unconsciously. We are all conditioned to attract a certain type. The trick is to address your own issues and then you will stop attracting people who want to “fix” you or people will just stop wanting to fix you.If you aren’t broken, no one will try to fix you. Make sense?

      Something in YOU brings that quality out in people. Ask yourself what that is. This is NOT about other people being comfortable in their skin. This is about YOU being comfortable in your own skin. Once you do that, you will start attracting the right people.

  14. Sammy said

    @ Savorydish….You are right and I am Sorry.., I have never been this angry at one person for such a long period of time…., I trusted this person , when every fiber in my body was warning me to leave her no good ass alone……, Proxies and outsiders will tell ya oh she just had him wide open…..Well maybe ..but I don’t think so I was just looking for a honest relationship, This is how it was presented to me by her…and agreed upon by I thought , the both of us….., well in the end I was smeared upon very ugly like,…and projected as the crazy evil one …when I have no history of this…but she does……, It hurt me very much……..Ya know savory The hardest part of all this …is I don’t care where shes at or what shes doing …its I feel like I had one put over on me and I want a chance to ….return the favor not reconcile….., So you are right ..Sorry to you Joann…this is and among other things , what I am mad about is not your fault.

    Sorry and I do hope anyone who suffers from this and want to , and are trying hard to get well….DOES so….Gods speed to you Joann…..I hope things get better for you and go well from here on out.

    • savorydish said

      Thanks Sammy. Like I said, your anger is totally justified. I just want to make sure it is aimed at the right people. I left your comment up because I think borderlines should know how much pain they have caused loved ones. There is no better measure of this pain than the anger expressed by people like you and me. Take care.

  15. Sammy said

    Thanks @SavoryDish…I am not a bad person at all , if you knew me you would see that….I haven’t even told you guys all the emotions I have went through……But I knew I needed to narrow it down to what was really bothering me , And the city where I am from a Smear campaign can cause great harm ….. Its totally dangerous , for several different reasons , And its that , that bothered me totally the most …the need for her to project her Illness onto me……Tell lies to people , to make herself look the victim……So Savory Wow the things I have learned here and reading about these people…….., They truly hurt the people who love, honor and respect them the most…its sad…!!!!!! Its sad how she played it and then slid out the back door ….Like it was all my doing as to why we weren’t together anymore.

    • savorydish said

      I know you’re not a bad person, Sammy. And anybody who knows this terrible disease, knows you’re not a bad person. This blog is here to make sure everyone knows about all the horrible things that borderlines do to good people. Nasty borderlines do ruin lives and they must be held accountable.

      The more awareness there is about BPD, the harder it will be for these silent abusers to continue their hit and run tactics. Spread the word. Write your own blogs. These creatures operate in secrecy and deceit. It’s time we all pull back the curtain, and let the world see these people for who they really are.

      Only when they are exposed, will they finally be forced to address their issues. The good news is the readership here has tripled and is growing. This readership includes borderlines in hiding. They now know that we’re onto them. Some have gone further into denial and hiding. That means we have to keep the pressure on. But it also means we have to be smarter about how we apply that pressure.

  16. Sammy said

    @SavoryDish….I would like to ask a question……..Someone I was talking to about this person a couple days ago ..told me the reason she acted and continues to act this way is Shame and Guilt …would you agree….could it be that she is ashamed of what she knows she has done and the trail she has left …And afraid that I am going to expose here into the light…so others will be able to see behind the mask…??? Whats your take…????

    • savorydish said

      Shame and guilt are at the very core of the disorder. Borderlines feel shame and guilt much much more intensely than any other human being. Consider the fact that some will cut their wrists just to relieve their feelings of shame and guilt.

      People, like you and me, are sensitive enough to feel their suffering but we can never understand the extents they will go to avoid the pain of shame and guilt. She will go out of her way to cover up her trail, including denying that trail exists.

      Yes, the reason why borderlines cut people out of their life after they have screwed them over is SHAME. The reason why she has made you the target of a smear campaign is because she is afraid you will reveal her for who she really is. She is demonizing you to discredit you. Anybody who becomes intimate with a borderline is a liability because they know too much.

  17. tony said

    Hi all,
    I had a relationship with a BPD for over 4.5 years where i always thought love would win over anything.
    Iam originally from Scotland but have been living and working in Austria for over 10 years.
    She fell in love with me (or whatever they interperate as love) and told me from the start that she had Borderline problems, due too the fact that she had scars all over her arms like a train station but i didnt really think about it till the relationship finished even though she smashed a broken glass into her arm and jumped out of a moving car at 40km an hour to mention a few things she was capable of and that we also had a child together.
    The first split came in summer where she just out of the blue finished the relationship saying that she didnt love me anymore and that i was a great guy, that day i had too leave the house and stay with a friend for over a week, i then decided to go back too scotland for a while and get over things and clear my head which as you can imagine being with a Borderliner is very very painful. After around 2 weeks she contacted me through Facebook and asked how i was and that she was so sorry it ended the wat it did, i just said yeah these things happen and iam moving on in life and asked her too leave me alone for a while so i can get over our relationship. Well she didnt leave me alone and started texting and mailing me saying how much i was at fault and WHAT I HAD DONE TO END THE RELATIONSHIP????. I decided not to get into any arguments as i could tell there was no way under these circumstances that we could discuss anything that would end positively. She then kept on writing and also got my friends involved saying i had finished the relationship and was nasty to her, my friends contacted me and said i should get rid of her as she has a screw loose upstairs. A few days later she text me and said she was sorry for the last few weeks and if we could talk. so we spoke on the telephone where she said she was so sorry that she was like that too me and sometimes things get too much for her and cos she loves me i get all the stick from her.
    So after us agreeing to have partner theraphy we got back together again. That lasted 4 months then she split me in October again straight out of the blue and by texting me on my mobile/cell phone, i said she had borderline and needed help after saying that to her things got worse. That to the stage that she even text me once saying that our daughter who is 3.5 years old said that i had been making naked photos of her and cuddled up too her naked, i text her back saying that i will take tomorrow off and we will go to the authorities as they have people whe can find out who tells the truth or not, she then called me straight away saying that she did not say it was me???? so i said who else can she mean??? seemed her try too be nasty to me backfired. Since then everything has been terrible and her hate got worse as she sold all our jewellery including her engagement ring and so on. so since the last 3 weeks i have moved back to Scotland and there has been no contact as i know 3 weeks after we split she slept with at least one guy when i was watching the kid , she was at a party where she came home and said she just got drunk and fell asleep on the couch although someone who was at the party told me this.
    So i have had my lessons from being with a Borderline and nothing can heal the sickness and i try too forgive her as it is a sickness and the worse thing for a Borderliner is too admit it and the second worse thing is too have theraphy and find a theraphist they can identify with and trust.
    I would hate to be in the position of a Borderline as most of the time they dont know what they are doing as that is the whole thing about the disorder they have unlike us they only have the black and white area where we normal people have the gray area which enables us to differ between right and wrong, love and hate. I really wished that it would have worked out and iam scottish and fight to the end, but this time round i realise it was time too finish and i have moved on to the NC phase although this also hurts me as iam missing my kid like mad. I know it will take time to recover but iam determind to move on in life as i know i deserve better in life.

    Iam so thankful that there are so many people out there who have been going through the same as me and its mindboggling that there are so many identical things how Borderliners work the same regardless which part of the planet we live in.

    Best of luck too all of you from a Scotsman who ran away too save himself for someone who deserves him.

    • savorydish said

      Welcome, Tony and thanks. You live to fight another day, but that was not a fight worth fighting. We can only say that in hindsight. We can only find solace in our commonality.

  18. honeybee777 said

    this as the best informaion Ive seen on this BPD, its good cause it helps me to know, if he ever comes back, never let him have my heart again! The same thing happened o me this guy Ive known for years, one of my brothers best freinds. This man got into a 2 year affair with me online and I left my husband for this guy, only fro him to leave me, with a broken heart and marriage, my husband has taking me back and ere working things out, Im just afraid that this man is going to try to come back with a vengance! See when I noticed him start to split me, I dumped him! I asnt going to let him step on my boundaries….then I found out, he was already sleeping with someone else, the pain has been horrible, but Im trying to get over this and not take it too hard.

    • savorydish said

      Thanks HoneyBee,
      But I’m a little concerned as to why you left your husband. Why do you choose bad boys over nice guys? Your husband took you back, but what’s to stop you from leaving him again when the bad boy shows up on your doorstep again?

      • Sinn said

        Looks like BPDer waif met a NPD…the perfect match….the only thing that can truly humble a BPDer. They see how it feels to be ditch like they’re nothing too for once.

      • savorydish said

        Birds of a feather flock together. BP women love dysfunctional men, that includes NPs, alcoholics and enablers. If a BP has ditched you, they have paid you a compliment. You were too good for them. We gravitate towards the familiar- that which makes us feel comfortable. Well-adjusted people make the BP
        feel inadequate.

  19. Tony said

    Well just as you think you are moving on and hoping she has forgotten you, wham she is back again. She didnt contact me directly but through internet banking where she must have found my password, then she went in and changed my mobile/cell number to hers so she could transfer money with the tan numbers she gets sent to he mobile. Its bad enough they split you black and hate you, but after months of basically no contact there she is again letting you know she is still there. Wonder if there is anyway you can revenge a bpd, maybe a witch doctor could try 🙂 after i threatened her with police and fraud she put the money back, i mean we all know it wasnt about the money, it was about her letting me know she is still there, pure creepy somehow!!!!

  20. I know that it is going to take a miracle! But what about God’sgrace comes to us while we are naked in our sins and he clothes us with his righteousness. Because I am a minister, I thought about the messed-up life of Hosea (in the bible). The story of Hosea and his wife Gomer could have been called, I Married A BPD. My marriage is what it must have been like for Hosea, to be married to a woman with no inner moral compass, no restraints and I can never trust her. I have seen her invite the attentions of other men and then deny it vehemently. The ability to make a commitment has never been a part of her character. The message that I get from the life of Hosea is, God’s love is unreasonable. If love always made sense it would not be love. It does not always respond to logic. The thing that God had asked Hosea to do did not make sense. According our way of thinking, God is unreasonable. We all hope to choose to love someone who can love us back and be faithful to us. We keep thinking that God only loves good people, but God loves sinners. He pursues them like he asked Hosea to pursue Gomer. In his pain he goes looking for them. He is betrayed but he longs for them. There is a second message that the life of Hosea teaches us, God’s love is tough love. Hosea never minimized the nature of the wrong Gomer had done to him. The pain was real and raw. His love had been betrayed. He took it seriously. And when Gomer insisted on being unfaithful to him, he let her go. He understood that it was to her own detriment. He knew what was ahead of her. She no longer wanted anything to do with him, so she would no longer have his help. She was on her own. It was what she wanted, but she could not see the mistreatment she would suffer. She would be used and abused. She would be called names by those who were supposed to love her. She would be beaten and treated like an animal. There would be many things that Hosea could not protect her from since she had run away from him. She would learn the lessons of life the hard way, and live out the consequences of her poor choices. As Hosea would later write about people like her: “They sow the wind and reap the whirlwind” (Hosea 8:7). We can not forget that God has ways of making us (even BPD’s) see the light (some call it karma).“Therefore I will block her path with thornbushes; I will wall her in so that she cannot find her way. She will chase after her lovers but not catch them; she will look for them but not find them. Then she will say, ‘I will go back to my husband as at first, for then I was better off than now’” (Hosea 2:6-7). As with Gomer, many times we have to learn the hard way that God’s way is the best way. We waste our lives and our love on many other things until we have been abused long enough and hit rock bottom!

    • savorydish said

      If your faith helps you hang on, then more power to you. But if it keeps you in denial, then I would remind you that you have six children counting on you.

      You can not risk their well-being. Let her chase those other lovers and never let her back even if she begs you. I know it’s hard. The borderline bond is a hard bond to break, but you have to think of your children. Good luck.

  21. Mike said

    Hello, I have been thru hell n back n ended fthis living hell for good after being dumped at her will, too many times to count and I am ashamed to say how many,This was a 4 year romance and she was, and I was her, first kiss and BF GF in 6th grade, We had not seen each other in 40 yrs and I fell big time!! Her hubby of 24 yrs had months befor laft her for a 30 something and “Here I come to save the Day!!!!! The knight in rusty armor…
    I have been married twice 15 yrs approx each, and both of those failed marriages and divorces were a piece of cake compared with this, she and I are 56 yrs old, and I had never even heard of BPD, I was in an emotional cage and was played with when SHE wanted to watch me run around in circles trying to keep up with this walking paradox,, What now after 5 months? I realized The Gift Of The Borderline is what is wrong with ME? I was going to beat her at her own game by healing myhself to a limit unknown to me and I continue to do so, Well a lot was that misplaced pride kept me from fessin up to my own issues and I addressed my traits that drew her to me and vice versa, a toxic addiction
    Going cold turkey with her was as bad as when I went the same from a wicked Oxy addiction……. Heal thyself, and no contact EVER!! Be strong and take the pain, You will emerge stronger and more focosed than you have ever known, They are a gift to us rescuer type NPD’s LOL
    BTW, Zep does another excellent BPD Tune…”Your Time Is Gonna Come”……………. Nuff Said

    • savorydish said

      Thanks for sharing your story, Mike.

      • Sammy said

        @ Mike , Sorry for your Pain dude , Listen to SavoryDish though He will coach ya through some tough times , I am still effected by My BPD ex ‘s lying and sneaky ways , She is just a plain sick no good person….Its ok though You are right with this Zepplin song it is perfect ” Cause I know her time is going to come”But you know at this point in my healing from her ass I am not even looking for revenge anymore but cause knowing the “Turth” about her is almost payback enough , and to know that as long as she doesn’t do 5 or 6 years of treatment that she will continue to be the sick vampiretress that she is , is good enough for me. ……You can also add “Dazed and Confused” as another Borderline song its so ture as well. Just thinking about how child like she is , a 12 year old in a 38 year old body …wow , still out there tricking every dude she can find …..talking about yoga and the Dahlia llama is going to help heal BPD and NPD LOL what a joke this crazy is…She hads the gall to speak about ., and wish Good and Bad carma on people…Can you believe that one @SavoryDish …HA HA HA….
        dill
        Get well brother…!!!!

        Sammy!

      • savorydish said

        It is interesting how BPs find ways to self-medicate. Many borderlines become spiritual junkies. My ex dabbled with yoga. She also threw herself into activism. Not because she was a good/spiritual person. Because she was desperately looking to distract herself from the inner turmoil. Funny how none of these self-prescribed fixes helped. Or the effect was so minimal as to seem non-existent.

        All these behaviors are connected. A borderline diving into yoga has the same motivation as a borderline looking for instant intimacy through sex and shotgun marriages. She is doing everything except addressing her past with a therapist.

  22. Sammy said

    Yeah @SavoryDish , I remember about a year ago , when I saw some photo’s of her , while she was on vacation in Jamaica , so to show you how she really is…..and proof out of her own mouth of her ways is as follows……We were having a conversation about the photo’s one day , then a few days later we walked pass the place where she went for kick boxing to get into shape before going on her vacation …now keep in mind that I didn’t know her at the time of this whole work out vacation thing,….So I asked some questions about the workout , she went on and on ….., and a couple weeks passed it all of a sudden was my fault that she couldn’t go back to the gym where she was going…..So this was about 41/2 months into our relationship now….well wouldn’t you know that I believe that she had sex with the trainer that was training her , or made some type of pass at him and things fell apart there , so she decided it was all my fault , cause I asked a question about what has happen there , and why she would keep talking about it and not go there…I was trying to stop her and the whole thing became my fault….LOL what a joke this fool is , This is just one of many stories I have @ savorydish…:)

  23. Sammy said

    She is forever the victom , and forever projecting her evil ways , and short comings onto others…….I do mean forever man , What is amazing to me is this is a high functioning Borderline , I mean smart as hell man …..I just found out that she is now serving on the Board of Directors of a food co-op where she is from…..Wow , only if those people really knew….But she remember she is also a narcissist , so they will sooner or later. WOW , How do these people do it , it amazing to me @savoryDish.,,, Oh PS savory I also have reasion to believe she is now sleeping with the general council of a company she used to work for….., reason I know this is she uses social networking as a love tool with new men who enters her life….to make them think its all about her and him …….She doesn’t do a whole lot of small talk, why you might ask cause she has no conversation …..Her whole conversation is about , how big a tool her boss is or how dumb her co-workers are , or if not that how she is the smartest thing since the invention of day light……, or some bull shit about the neices and nepfews…..never nothing about anything solid about the so called relationship she is supposed to be in….Its a joke….But I think she caught a rich lonely fish this time , or a married one who cheats…..so I am sure you can’t tell her shit now…LOL…

    Go get treatment little girl then I will respect you, not a moment before…:)

  24. Sammy said

    @savorydish …the social network thing , works like she tries to make a man think he is her world by sharing certain details with him, like places traveled , food places , resipes for food , dream homes , etc, if a man is on these networks with this chick , it a set up , She uses Facebook , Foursquare the same way……, She is so messed up , she can’t even sleep in the same hotel room with a man on a trip , they have to get seperate rooms …You can’t look at her feet…I am serious here , dated her for 7 months I could tell ya what her feet look like……LOL , So new man on social networks with this one almost every time means new sex partner , new host….I am serious…!!!!

    Sammy

  25. Mike said

    Hey Fella’s
    Thanks Sammy for the kind words…
    Ha Ha It never ceases to amaze me how similar these experiences are for us Non’s,, My X is also into, Yoga, The cause of the month, Activism, The Dalai, And is a Teacher with a Doctorate in Education…I’ll cut to the chase, After the hell I have lived thru like everyone else..and the ole heart ripped and roasted,, Bla, Bla…I walked and I am still walking..Now, she is a BP Waif, with NO self esteem…I am 4 mo into NC, over n out, and she shows up like nothing has happened, All good, Lets carry on…Like a BP does, I have rebuilt myself to a place where enough is enough. No more AFC … Well she just commenced her push again, almost immediatelty and ripped into me, I called her back and she blocked me from her cell, So I call the land line, It goes to Voice Mail and I said Fk your cell blocker, And Fk you and everything you stand by, And hung up.. I treated her normally with much more respect verbally, Much more, and I am just not going to be that AFC doormat any longer, and we are done, I have come too far and I was pizzed…Any way, Ya’ll know how they use the shaming guilt trip’s, right? They are VERY good at it insidiously as all hell.. So good at it, that I am slippin a lil, and have a guilt bug goin on
    I’m getting stinkin thinkin n I’m flashing on the, I’m sorry Baby thing…Which isn’t going to happen, but Man guy’s, whattaya think?…I just am taking a stand here, but Dayuum! I am not liking the thought that could be the last thing she ever hear’s me say…This was a 4 yr SERIOUS thing. and my previous note up above says more …I am a bit uncomfortable, but Hey!! I’m a rescuer,NP, DJ…Any advice?

    • savorydish said

      Hey Mike,

      I’m not sure what your question is, but it sounds like your mind is tangled. What you need is distance. You told her to F-off. Nothing more needs to be said. You want your relationship to end peacefully. But it will never happen. The borderline thrives in chaos and conflict. If you try to make amends it will only trigger her “push” mechanisms again. Worse yet, you are rewarding her abusive behavior by trying to make the peace. You have seen what happens when you let her back in. Close that door permanently. Nail it shut. These women are toxic dumpsites. Do not go near them.

      Read all you can about BPD, it will help you gain perspective. Write about the relationship. It will help clear the cobwebs. But be honest with yourself. See her for who she really is- a troubled woman. And then commit yourself to avoid these kinds of women at all costs. Her healing is her business. Not yours. Work on yourself. Figure out what attracts BPs to you. Be willing to have long periods of loneliness. Be ok with that.

      The only person who needs to be rescued right now is you. Two broken people will not make a whole person. Help yourself and everything else will fall into place.

      • The last time I saw my exBPD we had “reconciled ” for about a month. Once again the usual ~30 day recycle initiated by her hoovering tactics. Things had been going reasonabley well relative to our dysfuinctionality. This alone set off my inner voice which began to tell me once again…”things have been o k ….she is due to “split” me….” Sure as the sun rises in the East we had a discussion over lunch regarding a topic I knew not to engage in the first place. She told me I hadnt changed and that I was angry and dangerous. I temporarily calmed her down. Later that night she began the silent, “don’t touch me” push away. I said something and next thing I know SHE SLAPS ME ! Total projection in action. She states that I am dangerous and angry and then she acts those feelings out towards me. I left. The next day I tried to talk over the situation with her. I havn’t heard anything from her. She wouldn’t take my calls…nothing. It was my wake up call. There will be no closure. Things will not end amicabley. I will have my last memory of her being the wide eyed bitch from HELL as she slaps me. I’m grateful for that memory. It is just what I needed to leave permanentley. It was the final re-enforcement I needed to stay NC forever.

  26. Sammy said

    Ok Buddy @Mike , Listen up pal …I had to come to grips with a few things about this Borderline I had , before I could make sence of anything , you have to first admit , to the things you are weak for in her if not you will go back again and again, I mean you have to be willing to admit not only in private but also in public , with a huge chance that your manhood is going to called into question.., The point I am trying to make here is ….Admit to friends and foe alike that you were hooked on her Sex…I was , She got me hook line and sinker..with a few fasts balls in there as well LOL,”( The last part is a tribute to the now started MLB season :))” , but now the light is on ….and if I saw her now , based on the type of women that are now trying to talk to me…I would puke….I am serious…I would vomit….that how nasty she is ,and who I now realize her to be. So to help out and to movtivate ya a bit …go listen to “STING’S ” …thats right the- singer sting- the name of the song is “Be still my beating Heart”.every time you think of going back tell your heart fuck that, ..listen to that over and over again , and then pray…cause dude , you privates will try to over rule you in this matter…use your big head…not your little one in this case

    Stay healthy my friend…!!!!!

    PS: there are Hot ones out there where the sex is just as good , with out the crazys. Remember this…!!!!!!

  27. Sammy said

    @ SavoryDish , & @ Mike , first Savory I want to thank you so much for having me here , it has helped me so…….I still have my low points of anger, But I am getting better , I am laughing again now……Now Mike I am about to pin another “STING” song for ya write this down…and read it from time to time ….listen to the song from time to time.., it will explain what this vampiretress is doing to you…

    Title: SISTER MOON !!!!

    Sister moon will be my guide
    In your blue blue shadows I would hide
    All good people asleep tonight
    Im all by myself in your silver light
    I would gaze at your face the whole night through
    Id go out of my mind , but for you.

    Lying in a mothers arms

    The primal “root” of a womans charms
    Im a stranger to the sun
    My eyes are too weak
    How cold is a Heart
    When its warmth that he seeks?
    You watch “every night” you don’t care what I do
    long as I go out of my mind, but for you
    Id go out of my mind , but for you

    My Mistress eyes are nothing like the sun
    My hunger for her, explains everything I’ve done
    To howl at the moon the whole night through
    And they really don’t care if i do
    as long as I go out of my mind , but for you

    Sister Moon!

    She a vampire dude , She just doesn’t suck blood , she sucks , life , heart , and soul…..don’t ever forget it.

    Its ok to feel sorry for her

    Just dont “F” with her dude if you want to stay well…!!!!!

    Sammy!

  28. Sammy said

    Oh @ Mike , Savorydish is totally right…..You are going to have to like and love your self if you want to get pass this chick……I went from July 6th 2011 til March pal without a woman…it was the hardest thing in the world for me , I was very upset , but its begainning to pay off….I waited and some very cool chicks are starting to hit on me….I am serious dude!

    Slow down cowboy take your time

    Its going to happen again , its a BPD trick to make you think her nana is the last you’ll get…..!!!…:)

    Do you really want to piss her off , next time she calls …Use the old line from Public Emeny the rap group …I am sure you remember Flavor Flav….right tell her ……(“Can’t Trust It”)……I know , I know, Flavor is a piece of work in his self but what can ya do////Ha Ha.

    Its a excellent line to use!

    Sammy

  29. Mike said

    Oh Man!!
    The Savvy D show!!! With Sammy….My hat’s off, Thank you very much ,and,yep, That is what I needed, As I truk along, I realize how importand information and a genuine support system is …A healthy one, Like ya’ll
    SD, Yourself and this site are a gem of charisma and class, Simply priceless..
    This BPD is tough, horrific stuff, The general public must know the devastation these people cause, and beware…I am on my 56th year here on Earth and I’m well educated and bright, but I had never heard of BPD, Untill it was too late
    This is every bit as dark as substance abuse…And I am pleased to know that the word is getting out…I have read many a blog etc online on BPD, and this site here is epic for sure, Once you have experienced it firsthand ya get manic for info and education, it is a great moment when you discover you are not alone, Whew! Thats a relief, You truly do think you are a nut case, and maybe you ARE to blame…
    I feel much better now after reading your response, Thanx again!
    The above title picture?, Wherever that is, It calms me for some reason,, Goes so well with the mood of the site, Great job SD,

  30. Sammy said

    @ SavoryDish , While I totally love being able to come here and vent my little thoughts from time to time , I was wondering , If I were to become involved with another person , like I said in earlier post I have a new stream of female interest , right now ..Don’t know how long its going to last , or if its real or the main thing if I am even ready….But I am willing to try….Cause I know the BPD ex has moved on man ….She is starting new business’s , and every thing ….Like I said she is very High Functioning ……I quess the question is , In pass months I have most likely turned some women off …, because I have spoke of my pass with this person….Am I wrong for venting like this, and should I do it?

    Sammy!

    • savorydish said

      Hey Sammy,
      BPD is pretty intense stuff. Too intense for most people to handle. Part of the reason why I started venting here was because I didn’t feel like other people would understand.

      When you talk about BPD, people will naturally think you are making this stuff up. They will think you are the one that’s crazy. That is why it is so easy for borderlines to make you feel like you are the crazy one.

      It’s even hard for me to believe this stuff is real and I lived through it. So you can imagine what it might be like for someone who has had no exposure to it. Imagine trying to convince people you were visited by aliens. That is how people react when they know nothing about BPD.

      • savorydish said

        But consider this- the women who were freaked could have been borderlines-in-hiding. Borderline women tend to run when they hear the truth. I find this to be a great way to weed out the crazies.

  31. Mike said

    So true, Savory, Birds of a feather…
    I get a feel from what I have read, most of the contributors are younger folks, My experience took place with a 54 yr old..Have you any thoughts or ? On menopausal age BP’s
    I’ve read conflicting info, It (BP) diminishes, It get’s worse because of the hormonal changes.

    • savorydish said

      I have also read that BPD mellows out with time. Adolescence being the peak of it. But I think this has less to do with recovery and more to do with being able to find other ways to cope with pain. Instead of cutting, older borderlines find ways to transfer the pain onto loved ones. They also find less dramatic and physically violent ways to react to pain, but that doesn’t mean they have stopped harming others. Older borderlines find less obvious ways to abuse loved ones. Devaluation and abandonment are ways to lash out and hurt others without the evidence of scars.

      • Dutched said

        I am not a native English speaker. Thanks for this site! Helps me a lot!
        Until end 2010 I was for 30+ yrs. in RS with undiagnosed High Functioning BPD wife.
        At 18th left in a typical uncontrollable emotional outburst her parents/family. Everything was “calm” during ca 25 yrs. Sometimes however, but I didn’t pay attention to it and went on. After she got 40, something was triggered (STILL don’t know what), but suddenly devaluation in the severest way started. A few yrs. later every 3 to 5 months an outburst.
        My experience is: untreated and in total denial they become destructive!
        Kids are love-objects, but grow independent. So in time their “possession” in a way is lost, can’t be replaced and leaving them empty.
        They start to fixate on the closed one (us). She started having migraine, visiting the family doctor for “imaginary” complaints (nothing ever was found). And please don’t rule out changing hormones.
        It got worse, my self esteem went rapidly down. Devaluation of the worst kind, so I went to the family doctor and told him. Unbelief, as they don’t know the HF-type!
        She was strongly advised, but refused, to see a psychiatrist (“they” don’t have a problem, “we” have).
        After reading and learning techniques I approached her in a way to protect myself against the emotional 4 year old child (that acts histrionic/NPD) having the manipulation techniques (they live in constant fear of abandonment) of an adult.
        It worked! Like in the “old days”, we really found each other again!

        However… it didn’t last. Late 2010 she blew it up in “a blink of an eye”, really (the 6th time), now for ever. Didn’t have any closure, walked in hell. Kids: son stayed with me, daughter blamed me and left with mother (saw her only a couple of times since… same as mother and grandmother, in retrospect!) She cut me complete out of her life.

        For every one again.
        What they once did, they will do it again, only we will never know when

        Her family was cut out for 9 years, no contact! As from her diary “Will this my life long burden? I never can reverse it, so I better close this chapter”.
        On her 48th she did the same, out of the blue it came during a normal daily quarrel.
        Now 2 years later: denial for her “decision” (even doesn’t want to acknowledge consequences for kids either!), immense shame and fear (of course).
        Rewriting again history to coop with her feelings, it’s what they always to do, isn’t it?

  32. Mike said

    Been There My Man
    You nailed it… I was figuring that. Aging = slowing = less physical acting out + being a Dr = Professionally subtle, Classic doe eyed BP Waif to the 10th power, With a LOT of experience
    Totally Insidious creature

    • savorydish said

      Yep, the older borderlines have had time to refine their craft. Their abusive tendencies are subtle but just as harmful. They are crafty and manipulative. They recruit others to do their dirty work. My ex recruited her TigerBeat lackeys to beat down my door.

      Many evolve into histrionics/narcissists. They can’t control their abusive impulses, but they can cover up the evidence and skip town. Borderlines I know, bounce from city to city. They are running away from their past. If they fuck up a relationship, it’s onto the next one. They shake the Etcha-Sketch and all is forgotten.

  33. Sammy said

    @ Savorydish ….Man you are so right about that, My BPD ex has been doing that for a long time , and she is just about to turn 38…Just found out yesterday savory that she Just bought a business back in this area again…..Applied for a liquor license , and sure she will get it , she just couldn’t stay away form here , now this time last year she moving back to hometown area , to watch her young necies , and nefews grow up , bought a house and all …I just don’t get this shit man…..I am sure she hads been in and out of several relationships in the last year….., simply because of the type of guys she hangs with, Beware of the High Functioning Borderline Waif , Narcisstics guys / …..I really believe the reason she moved back there in the first place was a married man or a man who was with someone else , had her wide open , I think this was going on even when she and I were dealing.

    Savory just when I though she was at safe distance , here we go again. I didn’t mention yesterday that I got a friendship request from her aunt off a internetsite , but the puzzleing thing is that aunt changed her number when I told her about my BPD ex antics , then she would contact me , ask to be friends on a web site and then never follow thru…Whats your take here @SavoryDish, I think it was her. What do you think!!!!

    Sammy

    • savorydish said

      It sounds like you’re still tangled in her web. It’s your choice, but I would steer clear. She may or may not be trying to reel you back in, but why waste time trying to figure it out? Do you really want that kind of drama in your life again?

      • Joel Fernandez said

        Last time I saw my ex bp GF…..she was so drunk and talking about her problems…i felt the projection…and telling me her sob stories…i was the sponge and i started to feel the panics i once felt when I was with her…next day I asked her a question…and she gave me a response…thanks to my memory I caught her in a lie…she then changed the topic… By stating she is seeing someone else…she said I’m sorry….lol…I was like I’m seeing someone else as well…I then realized that she is never going to change..I really felt like calling her mother and expose her lies…I realized she wants me to call and tell her mother…the arguments would start all over again. I almost fell into it…luckily I snapped out of it…the only problem I texted few times that I would be there for her…silly rabbit I am. Dont play into their games…it will just keep on…going and going like the energizer bunny…I’m a great looking guy and I know I deserve better…the only thing is that you have to believe it…I started my masters I education…and I’m working out in the gym…was a trainer and now I want to try fitness modeling…a dream that I was about to go in before I met this hot mess I called a GF who I did not know had this illness. Once I went to therapy…I found out what she had and I really calmed down…i have read countless stories online and self help books…to learn more just so i can protect myself if there is a next time…by next time i mean i have a feeling she will contact me…or if i meet somebody new I can see the warning signs to prevent this from happening again…because I really had no chance…it’s like your walking blindfolded in the middle of the highway… But now I know…please take care of yourselves because I have been there and still am suffering just like you guys…just remember the BP don’t know any better…they are not well…so becareful and protect your heart….and don’t think with your other head like I so foolishly did.

  34. Sammy said

    I know you are right @ Savorydish , and I have no plans to contact her….But you know how this thing works ..They leave you , you are stuck in the obiss …..There is no closesure …….so thats where the thought process comes from , I would neve get back involved like I was ….I am big on trust ….And no matter what she would say , or how much I would forgive ….I could never trust her ass again , cause I know she is a professional liar.

    Sammy

    • savorydish said

      No explanation necessary. I know exactly what you mean. Having no closure sucks. But that’s just how BPD relationships go. That’s why it’s best to avoid the situation all together. Avoid them at all costs.

  35. Mike said

    I was going to concur on SD”s reply on the web Sammy, but after mulling that over, I must confess to somewhere I have a bag that contains the “Maybe she will finally “GET IT thing!!’
    i hate that bag……

    • savorydish said

      Maybe she will, maybe she won’t. But why wait for her?

      • Mike said

        Time waits for no one, I am actively dating again and have been for 3 months, Even if she DID get it, too much damage has been done for me to ever be able to trust or be close without the now ingrained in me knowledge that she would again resort to lifetime traits, Her X of 24 yrs left her but probably too late, he is a now broken bitter man
        I got out of it with merely an eternal WTF memory and a (not the first one) broken heart….Hearts heal, BPD doesnt, as far as my research says…… I am certain she wont ever get it as far as us goes, I’m sticking to it and I wont settle for less than what my needs are, One day I expect to get them met, as I will meet anothers

  36. Sammy said

    @ Savorydish ….I am not waiting , Like I have said after the dose of BPD ……I have recieved , trust me it won’t be a meeting she would like at all…After hearing what I would have to say she would prob. go try to hang her self…..Hate to say that but I wouldn’t be nice at all , and I would never go out my way to be very nice ever again…..I just feel that I need to be honest with the non’s in this room , so if I hear something from her then I am going to share it here…..Sure savory I would forgive if I thought for one once of a second I was dealing with a normal person ,,,But I know I am not

    So there ya go!!

    Sammy!

  37. RD12 said

    Hi all, Some good coaching, tips, and helpful advice going on here…. I relate fully to what you say savoury dish, and my painful journey has had the same trauma’s as you and many others. Everyone will deal with it in a slightly different way, but as I mentioned on another post on this web site, (when a BPD cuts you off) we should not underestimate the addiction and post event trauma we have suffered. This blog is one of the best I’ve come across and it certainly helps !

    I just wanted to say to those suffering as non’s that it does get better, never fully, as the scars will remain for a long time, but I’m feeling stable here to say that I am just returning to a good place. It will get better.

    I was crushed – and the trip to Oz with this. BPD very nearly destroyed every element of my life from job, to health. I had never before had counselling nor medication for severe depression nor had suicidal thoughts….but boy did this journey with a BPD nearly destroy me. I know what I have been through and it was severe emotional trauma – I have now learnt to get through it, but I have never experienced such pain, anxiety and severe anguish.

    I too, in my late forties had never come across nor heard of BPD…its an incredible phenonemom that leaves you in a daze so other people simply arent gonna believe what you tell em of your experience! I had to be real careful when I was at my lowest point – I knew all my friends who knew her – would think I had gone cukoo!! She is mega high functioing in a very high profile job and loved by one and all. Smart, gorgeous, and seductive. Late thrities, she copes in different ways, but will never heal as she is not under treatment. She lives in an entire hell, I get that, she told me how she felt often (but I didnt know about BPD until it was too late and I had to say to myself WTF happened there!). She copes with many, many masks, and keeps herself busy through overworking, yoga, and anything to stop her thinking ………this is how she supresses her emotions. Pure coping mechansim which is why she discarded me without so much as an explanation. I was a threat to her and her pain. Every BPD is different of course and I’ve learnt shed loads over the 6 months since she threw me away like a piece of trash, self saboutaging first our relationship and then our friendship. It is completly sureeal which is why no one will beleive me.

    I sense she will try and reel me in again sometime in the future…my tack on that is to remember that the love was an illusion. I feel so sad for her…..but I’m dreading the day she tries to reconnect. I need to build up strength to keep her at bay!! Permanently.

    I too confess to having secret thoughts and feelings for her….that maybe it could work out? maybe she will come back, and I reminiss over our awesome times together. then I immediately think of the pain and suffering she put me through – that then kindles a flame of anger, and I continue to move on. Its right and proper to reminiss, have sad emotions and wishes, but for me, I no longer hold on to any hope for us like I used to!

    I suspect my most recent mail to her (to finally purge the whole thing) explaining what she had done wrong, and took no repsonsibility for it or the consequesnces, may just spill her into a serious episode. I dont wish to give anyone harm, but as SD says, its important to explain to BPD their times when they are wrong, and I have done it without any vitriol though believe me I’d love to lash out ! But I want to keep my dignity which she took, crushed and discarded……..I was put through a mangle and emotionally mashed up. She is emotionally a 6 year old in a womans body. Gutted that this phenonemon exists – more must be done to spread the word….

    • savorydish said

      Thanks RD. I highlighted the parts of your comment that resonated with me (and I’m sure others as well). Sadly, you’re right. People will not believe you. The Truth is too bizarre. Like you said, more must be done to spread the word. Had my ex and her family been more honest, I might never have found out about BPD on my own. But their shady cover up inspired me to find my own answers. It has helped me tremendously. No more feelings of longing. So I encourage all of you to spread the word. We will heal through knowledge.

    • Sammy said

      @ RD12 …..Man Wow I feel very sorry for you dude and . I feel your pain …I had the same type of BPD ex ….Yours sound totally like mine…..Was she A Narcisstic chick as well…??? meaning was she the best at everything ., Was her mother trying to compeat with her at everthing , did she talk bad about her mother all the time…..Was her boss a total tool acording to her …etc….If so Man look out ……..Don’t mean to pry but after sex did she always want you to leave after 20 min or so of relaxation , Did she have this far away look in her eyes at the door like she couldn’t wait for you to leave ..only to call the next day to ask was you coming over tonight….If So man …..Did she always have some type of travel plans…that didn’t include “you”…If so Man…..LOL , I am just saying …I had the same exact experiance…..WOW

  38. RD12 said

    Thanks guys …..yep, she was narcistic when she was triggered….I cant tell you how bizaare that was. The projection she used after triggering, used narcistic traits to gain utter control. That was when she felt at her most comfortable after triggering…control, control, control. Thats how she finally finished it to….totally cut off out of her life so she has control. I fear she will surface again one day !! Interstingly, when we were friends, she had a spaced out look often – she had an incredible perception of how I was feeling and hated me looking into her eyes! She sensed I was seeing her dark side i think…. Thanks for the comments sammy…I’m in good shape now…..best way for me was to get out there and meet new girls.

    • Sammy said

      Its like that verse in Stings song Sister Moon …it goes

      My Mistress eyes are nothing like the sun
      My Hunger for her explains everything I’ve done

      and those words are so true in my case anyways , It was a hunger for that type of love making that got me into trouble , and you could see crazy in her eyes ……It true 🙂

  39. RD12 said

    Oh…thought I’d share this one with you. Utterly bizaare. When I triggered her emotionally once, (not that I knew I’d triggered her!), she grabbed the phone whilst she was at work at 11pm at night (yep still there!). She only had one aim for that phone call – to rage at me. And to bait me. Not necessarily pre-meditated fully on her behalf, subconscious BPD defence kicked in.

    I think it was triggered because I told her as a friend I had met someone new. This put her in a BPD spiral…(but I had been only a friend to her at that stage for 4 months, after the lover relationship ended). She then proceeded in a calm, authoritative, contolled, firm manner, to ‘tell me off’ as if I was her child. She told me an invite I sent her was insensitive, my behaviour was inappropriate, bla, blah, and throughout the telling off was trying to bait me. She was in a differnt cuckoo world!!

    I had read up on BPD by this stage, so I recognised the projection, but a weird kind of projection. It was if she was telling me off like her mother might have done to her…reverse projection. Her defensive mechanism took her back to her childhood. It was a surreal experience and I managed to hold my anger – just. inside her was a primitive mechanism that BPD had initiated……there was no rationalisation, nor balance to it….it was like she was playing her mum in full dress reheasal. What she was saying to me, she meant against herself.

    It was a narcisstic, controlled rage. And that rage continued in her silently, until she then discarded me. I think throughout she always saw me as her father emotionally, confessed she had no frame of reference for love, and confessed she was like a child inside a womans body. She always told me to stop loving her so much – perhaps due to the massive ultra shame and guilt she carries through BPD.

    all very surreal….

  40. Sammy said

    @ SavoryDish and @RD12 ……..She did this over and over again , a lot near the end of our relationship……., I know for a fact that one guy she was with she set up sex and made a target out of him …while she was with me …….She is into this green organtic thing …which I didn’t see any problem with at the time , and still don’t …..but she had recently failed at a fresh produce delivery business that she invested in…and we when to a family farm show…she saw this company and went gun ho over getting them to bring her produce to her home .., well it was the delivery boy that she want ..I later believe……. See I told ok go ahead and sign up and tell me how it works ….well at first it was UPS that she claimed brought the produce , then She didn’t know how it worked after she signed up……Waht a lying bitch she turned out to be fellows , I noticed that every tuesday , after those produced boxes started ..things in our relationship took some major changes…

  41. savorydish said

    Borderlines carry a lot of shame in their baggage. Add to that, hypersensitivity and you have a recipe for an explosive temperament. My ex snapped at me all the time. She’s a time bomb waiting to go off.

    They will try to make it seem like it was something you said or did, but they were screwed up long before they met you.

    But if you stay with them, you wil be the recipient of a lifetime’s worth of pain. They will transfer that rage to you.

    • savorydish said

      This is why so many borderline women fabricate rape stories. Instead of dealing with the shame they have lived with their whole life, they transfer it onto an imaginary “rapist”.

  42. Mike said

    Hey Savory
    My BP Is ratcheting up the Drama to a new level and I am, Frankly getting very very concerned to say the least
    I recieved another e mail accusing me of cheating on her, having girlfriends on call, spreading malicious details about her disorder and a host of other accusations, You never loved me, you played me …NONE OF THESE THINGS HAPPENED, Now I am getting what amounts to what I am considering a veiled Death? threa,t Bodfily harm? Total and complete destruction of my reputaton? As I stated here before she is a r of education and very well connected with everything from fellow Dr”s to a multitude of former and current students including many many gang bangers and BP’s,, I am taking thuis seriously, She sent me the Adele song lyrics to “Rolling In The Deep” check the lyrics out …Not Good, Adele may be a Grammy winning songstress but a major BPD Psycho,,The hero of cheated on women worldwide…BYW The man the tune is referring to she reportedly hoovered back recently,, I am getting a major paranoia going on and she has made references to my son who is a student teacher and she could concieveably ruin his carreer before it even gets going well. I’m sick, Literally about this esclation
    What to do?, I contacted my attourney and await his reply but in the meantime what do you think? Any experiences or posts on actual references to hurting, violence by proxy,and destroying the “Non” reputation,.She said clearly she is going to seriously trash me and she sees me as a vile, cheating, threat to her reputation, She said she is going to do to me what I did to her…And NONRE I mean none of what she is saying happened like she is saying but she twists the facts to make it I am the monster
    I mean is she actually going to have me hurt or capped!!!
    This is a fkng nitemare again… I dated a mutual friend of ours during one of her innumerable distancing disappearing acts …a couple times, No intimacy whatsoever just a date.. And that is her focus,, I dated one, I dated ALL her friends, in her mind..
    And if I got close to here friends then THEY ALL KNOW about her condition,, Yes the mutual friend and I did discuss what is wrong with her, I didnt know about BPD at the time and I am just a wreck thinking a headline tragedy is imminent..I’m serious Savory, I need major advice my friend

    • savorydish said

      Hey Mike,

      If you’re still involved with this woman, you need to get out immediately. Take her threats seriously. Anything is possible with a borderline. An angry borderline has no qualms about destroying your reputation. You are in her vortex and things can only get worse if you stay. Please take care of yourself and do everything to protect yourself and your family.

  43. Henley said

    I have a question for you all. I finally called a perm end to the 2 years of hell with exBPDbf. It was the only time I called it off and I’ve been firm. I’m definately painted black by him and his whole family, cut off, not a word except when they wanted something from me (I put it on the porch). It has been 18 days. The longest we ever went without contact was 9 and I was the one that always caved, not him.

    My question–after I called it off and I’m totally the enemey by him and his crazy family—do I have to worry that he will contact me again? I’m thinking he won’t. Since I called it and his family supports the ‘black’, I’m totally out of the picture. Yes or no. I guess I want to know if I can stop looking over my shoulder. Thanks!

    • savorydish said

      I’m confused. He cut you off? or you called it quits?

      • Henley said

        Hi Savory–

        All of the break ups before, he did them (usually in some huge and ridiculous explosive manner). Me ending it on May 5 was the first time I made the break.

        It has been 24 days. He and his family have made me Enemy Number 1 and I am out of the “circle of trust”. No contact with anyone. The last was my physican MADE me contact him (I cried and said no, eventually he dictated a text that I sent) to let him know ‘gave’ me something, which he didn’t respond to (of course, I now know he has no empathy for me and what he expressed to me was never ‘love’). I followed 2 hours later with “I hate you.” I wanted those to be the last words he ever hears from me with the hope maybe someday he might hurt when he thinks of me.

        Do I need to look over my shoulder anymore or is he gone for good? It has been 19 days since the “I hate you” I sent him and true total no contact.

        Thoughts?

      • savorydish said

        Hey Henley,
        Either you want to end it or you don’t. Don’t send him mixed messages. Don’t break up and then call him 2hrs later to say you hate him. If you want to move on, then that’s what you need to do. That means not worrying about him re-surfacing or thinking about him.

  44. Henley said

    “If you want to move on, then that’s what you need to do. That means not worry about him re-surfacing or thinking about him.” You are right, very right.

  45. Jackie said

    Hey! I am the “Jackie” of November 1, 2011 that asked, “What about the bpd that is in therapy…”

    On my 50th birthday later in the month of November, 2011 he timed a “birthday card” to me that was all about him and how he “now shared a life with another”–of course this is only one month after our split. What an narcissistic asshole “birthday card” it was.

    I never contacted him again, and I did for a few months log into his various accounts to see what was up. What I discovered was that he was every bit as dysregulated with the new woman as he was with me, only she seems to be a nutjob too.

    I’ve spent the better part of my time really looking at myself and my childhood issues that allowed me to not have very good boundaries and to only keep the most “major” of my values (not allowing anything or anyone to harm my daughter). I researched bpd until I feel I could write a dissertation on it.

    I love life now. I paint, I hike, I like myself and my life, and had I not had this run-in with this alien from another planet, I’d never have the peace and emotional health (for the most part) that I have now. I believe many bpd’s know something is wrong with them, they know their relationships never work out and that people get hurt, yet they continue to trapse over people…so I now believe that those like my ex are not only bpd’s, but they are also just mean assholes.

    Keep up the good work here.

    Jackie

    • savorydish said

      Thanks, Jackie. BPs can be very mean assholes. And I agree, deep down they know they’re mean assholes. Thus the self-hatred and denial. That’s why they feel insecure around people like you and me. That’s why they run away to find someone as crqzy as they are. Sorry you too had to find out the hard way. But glad to hear you are loving life now. My life has also gotten dramatically better since my borderline ex left my life.

  46. Henley said

    OMG– I’m coing out of a weekend of an epic failure!

    No contact, right? Yeah, I blew it.

    After 26 days of no contact, he puts a box on my porch of stuff from his house. Mostly stupid stuff like sports bottles, a tupperware, 2 cans of cat food, a visor, 2 pairs of sock. Then he added tickets from our last date and play bill, things he was keeping for our scrap book (like he thinks I’d still be keeping a scrap book of us??), and printed out pics from Christmas and a triathlon I did. While printing the pics was nice, I look drunk (worst Christmas of my life and I drank through it) and I have tons of race pics. Nothng I want to remember. Anyway, it was a nice gestures.

    I thought I was strong enough to call and say thanks you and just say how are you. Wrong. As soon as I heard his voice, I cracked then after about 10 minutes he strats getting mean and then hangs up. Same shit different day. A month hadn’t changed anything.

    But I didn’t realize how frail I was. It made me send a goodbye text, I tired to gathered up his stuff and got too emotional and called him and he heard me crying and started yelling at me. He told me he had gone through a ton of therapy (in a month) and determined I was BPD (gawd, can you belive it?) and researched all about it and I was classic BPD and I made him feel bad and if I dont change myself now I’m going to be same sorry sack of shit I am now in 5 years and told me I was egging him on to do suicide.

    OMG– I fell apart. I couldn’t handle the emotional abuse. I cried and prayed and cried and prayed and then detrmined that I need to forgive. I cannot hold this list of hurts he’s caused to me in my heart anymore. I gathered his stuff, wrote a very throughful and scrpiture based forgiveness letter and dropped off his stuff. He was home and saw me but didn’t come to the door or let me know he was there. I followed with a call last night that I hope to God he isn’t having suicidal thoughts because I’d never forgive myself is anything happened to him. I’d likely follow him to the grave.

    This all happened Friday through this morning. I’m a wreck. I’mset back weeks. I should have never called. You all warned me!! The two minutes of hearing his voice eased my heartache for a brief moment only to reopen all my gashes and cut me more.

    He is so bad for me. I hate sitting throu mass and hearing that all Jesus taught us was to be in right relationship with others and with God. I feel so much pain and conflict because I can’t seem to make an amicable split. I so desire to just have a pleasant agreement, no hard feelings, no hatred. I feel so hated.

    The one thing that he’s seemed to learn frothe BPD pages is that no contact is the right thng to do and he’s always been able to cut me out cold heartedly, so hopefully he can keep the no contact and let me just wither away.

    I’d appreciate any positive thoughts or encouragement from anyone.

    • savorydish said

      Don’t be so hard on yourself, Henley. You’re addicted to the emotional drama. I can hear it in your voice. Forget about him and work on you. You need to work on being your own person, independent of him. Of course, he can cut you out cold-heartedly, he is incapable of intimacy. What you had was an illusion. Focus on finding someone who can return your love. Be good to yourself and it will all work out.

    • Zan said

      Henley, I’m sorry about what recently happened. It sucks, it’s miserable and lonely – and you want to reach out to him again and get some closure. You don’t want him to hurt himself. I know how it feels – I went through it with my exBPDbf over a year ago (we’ll call her Jayna). It was the worst year of my life. It does get better, I promise. I still have some bad days, but things are so much better.

      But you have got to stay away. As hard as it is, he has to be dead to you. No contact. Period. Not only because it hurts you, but he will know you still care and he can use that against you. Suicidal threats are common. I doubt he will act on it, but if he does – it’s not your fault. Forgiveness is important, but don’t ever expect him to apologize. You’ve got to cut it off for good.

      It’s hard. Jayna manipulated me and got me to give her an item that was very special to me just days before she split me black. I think she did it knowing it was going to soon end and she’d have something to hold over me. I want the object back, but I know it’s gone forever. To ask for it back would give her control.

      This blog has helped me immensely over the past year, to remind me how crucial it is to stay away and that Jayna did me a favor by splitting me black. Come to find out no one could stand her and couldn’t understand why I was her friend. Now she is moving out of state to get away from people who knows who and what she is. She’ll reinvent herself and ruin the lives and emotions of others – including her kids. I pray for her, and I know deep down that our friendship was all a lie. That’s been the hardest thing to accept – but it’s true. I’m glad to be done with her lying ass.

  47. Henley said

    Zan and Savory and folks-

    They are actually humans…cruel but human….do you think they ever realize the pain they’ve caused? Do you think they ever have remorse for the cheating?

    The cheating still eats at me. The betrayal. It hurts still. It doesn’t impact my forgiveness, which is my own journey, but it might be comforting.
    I guess that is the part that is worst of all because it is so blatant, so black and white, so unarguably wrong.

    A friend told me the best thing BPDexBF could have done is cheat so it would be obvious to me and everyone in his disregard for me and it would make me never want to look back.

    I’d like to know if there was remorse, some human recognition for what he’s done. Obviously I can’t ask him and expect an honest answer. You’ve been pretty good judge of character so far, just wanted to know your thoughts.

    • savorydish said

      “A friend told me the best thing BPDexBF could have done is cheat so it would be obvious to me and everyone in his disregard for me and it would make me never want to look back.”

      These are words of wisdom if I’ve ever heard them. Do these people feel remorse for acting like selfish assholes? Well, let’s put it this way- Living in denial means pushing down memories that clash with their values (cognitive dissonance). So there is a part of them (deep down inside) that knows they’ve done somebody wrong. Like you said, they are human. But more importantly, they feel emotions (such as guilt) much more intensely than the rest of us, like a hot dagger in their belly.

      So while they might act like they don’t give shit, they are actually carrying around a surplus of guilt. The more guilt, the more denial. Right now my ex is unrecognizable. She has re-created herself to be some hybrid between Marilyn Monroe and Mother Theresa. It is important to note that this image is utter bullshit. Deep down she knows she is a hoax, a sad joke. But she has buried this deep down into her psyche.

      Guilt is like a cancer that eats you from the inside out. There’s a reason why suicide rates are high amongst these people. My ex suffers from a host of physical ailments ranging from mysterious migraines to even more mysterious eczema. That is guilt eating away at her body.

      So does your ex feel guilt? The short answer is yes. But don’t ever make the mistake of thinking that’s a reason to hold him close to your heart. These assholes will fuck you over again and again and again if they have the chance. Don’t give them that chance.

    • Zan said

      I agree with Savory. They do feel guilt. That guilt is part of the reason they split you black because they are too afraid to face you. Will they ever let on to you, or anyone, that they are ashamed of the way they have treated you? Never. You will always be the enemy,

      I was a fool. I should have seen the way she treated her ex-husband, how hateful and vindictive she was. I shouldn’t have been surprised when she turned on me. That’s a big lesson I learned – if they are cold-hearted enough to be so hateful to another person, then they can just as easily do it to you. I tell this to one of our last remaining mutual friends – if she did it to me, she can do it to you.

      You can’t worry about whether she feels guilty or not. It will drive you nuts – believe me I know. BPD have warped consciences. You need to let it go – giving a shit about how he feels – otherwise it will eat you alive. Again, he did you a favor – it sounds crazy but be thankful. Your life will be much better.

      • savorydish said

        Zan brings up an excellent point. Pay close attention to how they treat others. If they are cruel and cold-hearted to past lovers, you can be sure you will be next. If they have a history of mercilessly cutting people out of their life or display a lack of boundaries, then it will only be a matter of time when they will screw you over. You are not the exception. You are the next victim. This is a person who abuses people indiscriminately. The more intimacy you share, the more abusive they will be. That is scientific fact. Anyone who denies this fact is a borderline in hiding. Remember- many bps cut their own skin to relieve pain. Imagine what they will do to you if they think that you are the source of their pain.

      • savorydish said

        There’s a reason why they hate this blog so much. This blog uncovers the guilt they have worked so hard to bury.

  48. Zan said

    Remember- many bps cut their own skin to relieve pain. Imagine what they will do to you if they think that you are the source of their pain.

    – Brilliant observation.

    • savorydish said

      Thanks Zan. It is important for newbies to understand that BPs are emotionally unstable. Just because they are nice to you from the start, doesn’t mean that it will end that way. For the length of a relationship, the BP is struggling to keep it together. Intimacy threatens them in ways you can’t even imagine.

      Those who have been sexually-abused will seem almost tense. It takes a lot of work to put on that facade. The best way to think of a BP is to think of them as a 3 yr-old child. A child initially doesn’t feel guilt because it doesn’t know it’s done something wrong. But once you set them straight, their guilt feels like a vice grip. It sounds terribly patronizing, but that’s how you must deal with someone who is emotionally-arrested.

  49. Henley said

    Oh God…I fXXXed up.

    I texted him (exBPDbf) and said I missed him.

    It was long and mushy.

    Huge moment of weakness. We were supposed to be going to Europe today (before we broke up) and I dreamed of that trip. Like a little kid dreaming of Disneyland. I woke up and remembered then cried really hard for the first time in weeks. Then at 5am I texted and said I missed him.

    At least he was decent and didn’t respond. Since I’m the enemy, he can judge me all he wants as weak or whatever. What I am is still occasionally hurting.

    It happens. I feel confident he won’t contact me ever again. I know I’m the wronged one but I’m still human. I feel like a trauma victim ancan’t keep things straight.

  50. Fighter said

    People let me start by saying this is the most evil of evil devil creatures that roames the face of the earth. They are evil in the purest form.
    Here is my stories and it is a bad one.

    Met her 12 years ago. the most beutifull girl i have ever seen. Those eyes. yes theres just something about their eyes. she chased me and she fell pregnant and we married. i had nothing. i worked my ass off for her and raising my son. i paid for her studies i bought her the best i could afford. bought her the house she wanted. then she started moving up in her career but see i lost focus on myself just always trying to keep her happy. yes she had the mood swings and violent behaviour but i thaught it was normal. but she loved me so much and would always tell me what a good man i was. i suspected affairs from time to time but couldnt prove anything and blamed myself for being insecure but then….

    1 year ago one of my old friends came to visit me whom she had never met. we were in the army together and he was working in iraq as a security guard at the time and was busy getting a divorce from his wife at the time. he visited us for 4 days in which i comforted him and we had a good time. after he left i discoverd their affair on fb. then this love of my life almost overnight changed into this monster. she did everything to me after moving out the house and taking my son away from me. She and my so called friend who i suspect to be npd teamed up against me alienating me from my son, restraining orders smear campaign. and here i was almost comitting suicide because i never knew she was bpd. never. well i stood up and began fighting. went to a laywer went to a family advocate. now everytime her bf leaves to go work abroad the hoovering starts just to be shot down the next day. in the mean time the family advicates report came back and low and behold they reccomend my son to be returned to his home. now the shit is really gonna hit the fan. i have to deal with a bpd and npd tag team, focusing on my son and handling all this emitional shit. this is not for every man i tell you and yes time does heal some of it i guess but hey this is shit man im telling you. i loved her with everything i had and seeing the one you trusted turning into the devil is pure hell. this is hell on earth

    • savorydish said

      Thank you for sharing your story. So sorry for your pain. Hell is the best way to describe this level of betrayal.

      • Fighter said

        I’m telling you SD i am still baffled by all this but the thing is we cannot understand crazy. normal human beings think about things logical. I am constantly trying to analyze what is going through her head. At the moment she and her new lover is on a holiday having the time of their lives and here am I trying to be there for my son and not letting my emotions getting the better of me. like i said as soon as new man is back overseas she starts texting me again and crying and fucking with my head. I have know that she stalks my fb with fake profiles and as soon i start showing interest in a new woman she knows all about it and sends me messages that the new woman is no good and all that shit. no contact i’ve tried but it is insanely diffucult when you have a kid together. she never thaught that i had a chance of getting custudy of our son but now I have a chance. my question is this what will happen if i do get custody and she’s lying there all alone in her house when new man is gone off to work. and worse still if i force myself to get serious with a new woman cause hey this lonliness suck big time. I still love her with all my heart but I have prepared myself if she shows up in front of my door one day. I’ll ask her 2 questions. 1. Do you admit that you have a problem and 2. are you prepared to do something about it. Yes they are very good at making you believe that it is all your fault. hey no husband is perfect but i did not deserve this. i just wish i could see into the future

      • savorydish said

        My friend, she’s got you tangled in her web even though you two are no longer together. Let her surf your FB page. Ignore her emails. For your sake and your children’s sake make a clean break. Don’t let her hoover you back.

        I know it’s easier said than done. Believe me, I know. But knowing now what I know, I can confidently say you can not love a woman who can not love you back. You can’t force her to get better. She has to want to do it for herself.

        Fix yourself and you will be in a better position to attract true love. Until then, be ok with being lonely. Be ok with casually dating someone. But do not fool yourself into thinking you’re in love, if you have a co-dependent history.

        No, none of us are perfect. But some of us are more capable of getting better than others. If your ex is like mine, she is beyond hope. Recovery for BPD is rare, especially amongst those with histrionic tendencies. Recovery requires self-awareness. Histrionics lack it. See her for who she is and look forward to better days without her. Good luck.

  51. someone said

    hey everybody,

    I’m not so good at this, but I will give it a try
    first my excuses for my very bad English, it is not my mother language, so sorry about that!

    I found this website in my search about what i have experienced with a girl I fell in love with, I myself have also an disorder, lucky for me and others! not borderline, but more fear of making contact with people unless they accept me, i went trough a hell wen i fell in love, i have been trought alot with here, it wasn’t a relation, but when she invited my by facebook for a party(she she hasn’t asked, was a pore and invitation), and i replied that, we have been alot, and that i will think about it, but i also said that it may be beter to going something to drink, after a week she delete me
    do you think she shall make contact again? or…

    • savorydish said

      Sorry, I don’t know her well enough to know why she deleted you. If she deleted you, then she probably won’t contact you.

      • someone said

        and the story continues, after a month, my BPD girlfriend, starts to reappear, starting to poke me every week, 3 times, i was becoming mad, didn’t know what to do, so after 3 weeks i sent a friend request, she tells about how fantastic her life has been, holiday…., then asked me if i stil had feelings for her, if so she would delete me again, so i became angry and the things I said weren’t very nice, (because i had a strange feeling she hoped I would say yes), so now she isn’t talking to me again, just like i don’t exist, it hurt because i feel sorry about my reactions(i’m almost never angry, very friendly and sensitive guy) I just want to have a talk with her, and after that, move on, because it still reappears in my mind what she has done to me, she made me think that i m the bad person , they love only their child,( sadly enough i know alot of that kind of people, and the only thing i have seen is alot of love for theire child, anybody else they idolize, till he or her do someting wrong, not even with purpose, but in their mind the person is bad and the they start to look for other persons to fulfill their needs to be loved, but it will never happen till they start to change…

  52. someone said

    ok thanks for the answer!, I even know it either, just what i said, and then she posted a quote on her wall, telling “that god removes a persone for your protection and think before runnig after them” it is for the best but i mis her often, even i know i coulden’t trust her anymore, it was a hard time because she was the first women I really had feelings for, it is also to difficult to explain what happend its a very ong list and alot of different persons that are involt, one thing i can say she is exactly what you have written in your article “attention whores”

    it happend at a place were friendships aren’t what they are
    so now, I try to move on and put it in to the past

    and thank you! the site opend my eyes, but did not yet closed my hart, i will read some more articles on your site

    • savorydish said

      You’re welcome. If she does indeed fit the description of an “attention whore”, then she did you a favor by deleting you. Whatever she made you feel was an illusion. She makes everyone feel like that. That is how these attention whores get attention. Figure out what fantasy this woman fulfilled for you. And never indulge that fantasy again. Good luck.

  53. Henley said

    Hey Savory– just wanted to share a little story on how THEY NEVER CHANGEA and it is JUST AN ILLUSION.

    Had some interaction with exBPD last week. I mentioned our favorite band had a new CD coming out. I didn’t know when or anything about it just that it was announced on FB. He said he’d look for it. Then tells me he ordered it. Then tells me he ordered one for me, too. (aww…how sweet)

    Yesterday, I researched the CD on line because I’m excited about it. What I found out was the band has not announced a release date, you can’t buy it, they haven’t even titled it yet!

    He lied to me that he found it and ordered it. He was trying to make it seem like he was doing somethng nice for me when in fact he was doing nothing but making up a story just so I could appreciate him…for nothing.

    They are all liars. Everything is an illusion…you nonBPDex’s—you weren’t in love with anyone that was real! You were in love with someone you made up and he/she helped you with that day dream. It is no different than being in love with a movie character or a cartoon.

    Walk away and don’t pine after anything.

    • Marie said

      Henley,
      You asked if they feel remorse and I can tell you that my exBPDbf told me he did. He said he had cheated on one of his girlfriends and felt bad about it. He often told me he was a monster, an ahole and a bad person. Almost every time he lost it he would apologize for treating me like sh*t and that he was an ahole.
      I had no idea what BPD was until June of this year. Thanks to my ex I learned what it is AND that both my parents were BPD. Luckily, and I thank my loving Grandmother for this, I am not BPD.
      In December of 2011 I was contacted on a dating website by who I thought was a wonderful man. He told me he “had a temper” but that was really playing it down big time. He swept me off my feet and we were together from early January until I finally was able to break free almost 2 weeks ago.
      He introduced me to his family, his friends, after 3 months gave me keys to his house which I felt uncomfortable taking but didn’t protest since I already had experienced his “temper”. It was important to him that I: met everyone, had the keys to his house, knew he called me his “girlfriend” because he doesn’t like labels and that he really wanted to make our relationship strong and work towards marriage. I guess he normally doesn’t do all that with his conquests (which was true). I didn’t want to meet his kids and parents so soon but I decided to do it anyway and they were all nice to me so I’m glad I did.
      I noticed he could be very negative and depressed but kept telling me I was the negative one. He would snap if I said something opposite from what he believed. Only he could swear, share his feelings and say whatever he wanted. I had to be positive, wear tighter clothes, lose 60 pounds, wear all the jewlery he bought me, wear some makeup he approved of, load his dishwasher the way HE does it, use my “common sense” to read his mind about what he wanted/needed at any moment, cook as fast as his mother did, have eouseye replacement surgery (which I did but needed as one of my eyes was literally dying) and even arrange things in MY house to make him feel more at home. In short, he wanted to control every single aspect of my physical appearance, my personality and my own house to please him.
      Also, there was inappropriate touching on a daily basis which some have talked little about here. He constantly had to touch my breasts and when in public he would rub up against them in a way so other people couldn’t see what he was doing. He also liked to put his hand on my crotch in the car or at home which really got on my nerves after a while. I don’t mind some flirting once in a while but constantly it was too much for me.
      He has many part time jobs since he for some reason can’t get a full time one. One of those jobs is a personal trainer at his local Y. He wanted me to lose 60 pounds in 6 months. I told him that was impossible and unhealthy. Then he told me then surely by Christmas because he wanted to take me to his native country to visit and didn’t want people making fun of me because I’m overweight. Since I’m an emotional eater I was only able to lose 25 pounds during our time togegther. EVERY, SINGLE day he would tell me I needed to lose weight, he would ask me about what I was doing for exercise when we weren’t together and the few times I went to the Y he had me do 2 hour workouts (not counting transition time between the weight machines) which were a little too much for a beginner.
      He lashed out at his kids in front of me (he has two teens and an adult son). I tried to change the subject and protected the daughter on one occasion when it seemed like he wanted to hit her. Later she confided in me that he pulls her hair when he gets angry and since January has been swearing at her when he gets mad.
      After a weekend of camping with my ex and his younger son where my ex humiliated me and treated me poorly the whole time I was ready to say goodbye forever. We were playing frisbee in the water and he wanted me to jump up and down to exercise to get rid of my “flabby thighs”.
      On the way home (after 3 days of hell) he got mad at me yet again for something and I gave up trying to talk. He told me if I didn’t start talking in a nice tone of voice then he was dumping me forever that day when we got to my house. I think at that point I had PTSD so I was frozen and at one point I said I was afraid to say anything or even look at him because I was doing everything wrong. When they dropped me off at my house I told his son (my ex was unloading my stuff from the car) that I was sorry and I loved him and his dad but I couldn’t take the emotional and verbal abuse any more. He told me he understood and that I didn’t have to take it. They left for what I thought was forever.
      Half an hour later they came back because my ex’s son told him he overreacted to everything and I didn’t really do anything wrong. So, they came back and the only reason I let them in was because his son was there and I didn’t want to further traumatize him. I told my ex we had to go to therapy together if he wanted me back and he agreed but I could tell he didn’t mean it. When they finally left I was laughing at how funny life it that I thought I was finally free but got sucked back in again.
      2 days later I sent him a nice email, not pointing fingers just saying we don’t make each other happy and need to break up forever. I asked for no contact whatsoever to make it easier for both of us. I had been crying every day since they dropped me off and knew it was the right thing to do.
      My exhusband (not BPD) who is a friend now (just a friend NO benefits) at first was VERY happy that I found such a wonderful man. When I started telling him and everyone else about my boyfriend they kept telling me to run and run and don’t look back. So, my exhusband called me and got me while I was crying and decided to get me out of the house and go to the beach for the day. The man hasn’t touched me in years and I would never go back to him as anything more than a friend. We went to the beach and I went home by myself and he went back to his apartment.
      Well, my exBPDbf decided to come to “save” our relationship 2 days later. My exhusband is 6’5″ and my exBPDbf is 5″1″ so obviously the passenger seat in my car was moved differently for each person. I let him stay to enjoy his best qualities because he was on his best behavior (mostly) trying to win be back but all the time knowing that he would get pissed off about something and dump me all over again. I wanted to save his pride and knew it would be easier that way. At the end of the weekend he found my exhusband’s t-shirts in the trunk of the car and flipped out. Let’s just say that it was a very ugly 2 hours until I could finally give him his house keys and get him out of my life forever. Anyone who knows me, including my exBPDbf’s family knows I was completely in love with him and would never have cheated on him. Things ended very badly (so much for the nice email I sent) and in the end his mother wanted to know everything that he ever did to me. I didn’t hold back.
      I’m glad to be free from him. Glad I don’t have to listen to his crap about how when I lose weight he won’t look at other women anymore or anything else he ever verbally abused me with. I believe everything happens for a reason and that we met so I could learn the hard way about what was wrong with my parents. I stayed with him so long because of his good qualities (which I saw less and less) which were why I loved him, to protec the kids (I was once them), to try to help him and to protect some other woman from going through this with him.
      In the end I learned that I love myself MORE than I ever loved him and that NOBODY is worth all this pain and suffering. Do I miss him? The good things yes, but they are NOT worth all the bad stuff I put up with.
      Stay strong, don’t get hoovered back in and for YOUR sake watch out for the signs at the beginning of the next relationship!

  54. Marie said

    Can you be both BPD and NPD? He did admit he broke up with a woman because she was taller than him and that what others thought of him really mattered. The thing that really got me was when he said even after I lost the weight I would still need to get a tummy tuck…he would never be done fixing me. I keep reminding myself of all this stuff as I go through the withdrawal of the constant attention I used to receive. Even after all the bad stuff being painted black is a shock to me.
    Thanks for having this blog, it has helped me quite a bit since I found it a few days ago.

    • savorydish said

      Yep. Comorbidity is quite common with BPD. Which is why it is so hard to diagnose. The lines that separate one PD from another is very fuzzy. My ex is most likely BPD at her core. But as she evolved into a more social creature, she adopted narcissistic/histrionic traits. That is, she became more manipulative.

      Your ex was pretty overt in his controlling behavior, which leads me to believe he is more of a narcissist (lack of empathy/lack of self-awareness). My ex was a lot more subtle (hard to catch), which was evidence that there were moments of self-awareness. But these moments were fleeting. And when the fear of abandonment took over, she threw empathy and self-awareness out the door.

      The irony is she accused ME of being controlling. Because, one time, we were at the grocery store and she wanted to buy a two dozen carton of eggs. I said something to the effect of “whoah, that’s a lot of eggs!” A darkness fell over her, and later she accused me of suggesting she was fat.

      There were also times when we were at a restaurant or a store and she would just blank out. So rather than have the clerk or waiter wait in awkward silence, I spoke for her. When she finally snapped out of her dissociative state, she would accuse me of being controlling.

      But your ex asking you to have a tummy tuck is a clear sign that he is truly controlling. I’m glad this blog has helped you.

      • savorydish said

        I realize now that I became her babysitter. Not because I wanted to be. Because when your partner acts like a child, you are forced to become the parent. It’s very draining. Nobody, in their right mind, would want this. On top of that, it’s a thankless job. Because they will despise you and blame you for being the parent. They will do this instead of blaming their own parents for screwing them up. You are a surrogate and a convenient punching bag for their parent’s misdeeds.

  55. Marie said

    SD, yes, I agree with you. We are the caretakers that they come to hate. He did express negative emotions towards his mother many times. He said he never thought of her as a wonderful mother and I was supposed to be the buffer between them. I think he was jealous that his parents love me and I them. He definitely needed more affection than anyone I have ever been with. He would wake up in the middle of the night and ask me if I loved him. When I would say of course he would either thank me and tell me he loved me or thank me and say God Bless you and then turn over and go back to sleep. Once he told me I was crazy to still love him after one of his rages. He was always afraid I would love him less after he yelled at me. I guess he was just checking to see how much control he had over me. I’m speechless that your ex would blank out so you would have to speak for her. I don’t know how you got through that time and time again. Thanks for sharing with me and for having the strength to survive and show the rest of us that it is possible to overcome the pain after we’ve been totally cut off.

    • savorydish said

      Your ex sounds so much like mine. My ex would literally grovel at my feet and cry a river, if I caught her cheating or if she had one of her sudden outbursts. It was unsettling to say the least, but it worked. How can you not feel pity for someone who acts like this?

      And she too would always ask for some confirmation of my love. It drove her mad that I would not agree to move in with her. Her betrayals were her way of punishing me for not providing adequate confirmation. Like I said, she was a child. In the end, she cut me out because I would not give into her manipulative ways. I would not commit myself to her, because of all the things she did to me. I would have been crazy to move in with her.

      Months later, she found someone who wholeheartedly fell for her act. But even that is probably not enough.

      Thank you for sharing your story. And, yes, it is possible to overcome a BPD relationship. It’s not easy to forget the pain, but that will help us to avoid these kinds of relationships in the future. Being cut off may have been the best thing they did for us.

  56. @Savorydish , I don’t say as much now adays as days pass , why cause like I said about three weeks ago , I truely have gotten much better , I still stand solidly on the side of nons , Now to my point today, you have hit another home run with this post my friend . Instead of admitting that her family is fucked up my BPD NPD ex fucks over all men that she can fool, and most women…she claims she don’t trust any women,

    • And she have never admitted that her family , was fucked up she tries to make people believe she comes from a all American family. When in fact she was molested as a child all the way till she was say 14 or 15 , oh but she HATES that mom of hers , and dislikes the dad more on the basis of abandonment. I am serious. It’s nothing like WTF moments because then it becomes clear who they are and what they were trying to tell ya….These are sick fucks .

    • savorydish said

      Thanks, Sammy. BPDs don’t trust anyone. One day, they will announce that you are their soulmate. The next day, they will accuse you of hurting them. My ex claims she is a feminist, a friend to all women. But this is a hoax. She is no more a feminist than I am a misogynist. How can you be a feminist, when you hate yourself?… when you hate being a woman… and you don’t trust other women? These are questions even she can not answer. Nor does she want to answer.

  57. @ Savorydish yeah my BPD ex once told me a story about being in a lesbian bar in New York ,and women were touching her and how uncomfortable this made her , but yet I now believe that one of the new people in her life right now is a young woman who she is having a sexual relationship with. My point here is this young woman is my exes employee or partner. This shows she doesn’t care who she fucks over or hurt . If you ask my BPD NPD ex she will claim it’s something that she decided to try

    • savorydish said

      You will see this pattern of behavior in women who were sexually-abused by a man. They go through a period of “sexual exploration”. But really they are trying deal with feelings of fear and mistrust. They are acting out.

      They figure I can’t trust men so I will switch to the other side. The only men they can hang out with are gay men (they will call themselves “faghags”).

      BPs have confused sexual identities. They are not biologically gay. They are emotionally confused. But what they soon discover is that their same-sex relationships are just as chaotic as their hetero ones. They will claim this is all part of their “progressive lifestyle”, along with being vegetarian and riding bicycles.

      But these are women who have a troubled relationship with sex. They both crave it and fear it. Lovers are to be used and abused, sometimes tossed aside. Anonymous sex brings them great pleasure, but also tremendous shame. The BPD mind is an ambiguous mind, torn between Yin and Yang. What you are witnessing is not playful experimentation. What you are witnessing is the eye of the storm. If you see it again, RUN.

      • savorydish said

        My ex hated being a woman so much, she had periods where she would dress like a man or chop her hair off. Do not make the mistake of thinking these are merely lifestyle choices. A BP’s impulsive behavior is driven by dark forces. Look past the image, if you want to see what’s going on under the hood.

  58. Marie said

    SD, you are right about the prickly attitude once they really want to get rid of you but decide to keep you around until the replacement is found. I was taken back right before the nightmare camping trip we went on where I was treated like crap for 3 days. He was always looking for the wrong comment, tone or look from me so he could accuse me of being negative. After he dumped me but his son convinced him that he was the problem not me and I was once again hoovered back in my ex was less attentive. When he finally did call me 2 days later (which was unusual to go more than a day without talking) I didn’t say much as I listened to him complain about his problems. I told him (because he was driving in a thunderstorm and traffice at the time) to drive carefully and he jumped all over me asking me if what I meant by that…was he a bad driver. Prickly is the right adjective. As soon as I tried to break it off with him he was back to the idolizing stage. You said your ex was upset that you wouldn’t move in with her, you were smart. I remember my ex also wanted me to move in with him but we each had our own houses and the commute for me would have been a nightmare (1 and 1/2 hours) plus it was too soon to commit. About 3 and half months into the relationship I did stay with him for over a week because of my eye surgery and that was a very interesting experience. At first he was happy as a clam and so excited to have me there so we could take care of each other. Then the rages started when I was supposed to be resting and recovering from major surgery. He raged about me not helping clean the house enough (I shouldn’t have been doing it at all), not loading the dishwasher correctly, I didn’t use my “common sense” to read his mind to know what he wanted me to fix for lunch, he insisted that I needed to refinance my mortgage and car loan (a big no no after surgery especially since they gave me painkillers, it even said not to make major decisions while on this medication on the label) and so much more. I decided to go home and he flipped out on me in a major way for the first time because I was packing up and he ended up kicking me out of the house and telling me he never wanted to see me again. He broke one of his own drinking glasses on the kitchen floor and screamed at me to clean it up. I calmly told him to do it himself since he did it…he kept screaming that I made him do it and I firmly kept telling him it was his fault. He was at my house the next night and when I refuse to take him back flew into another rage so I had to gently but physically usher him out of my house. Then all I ever heard was how I humiliated him by kicking him out of my house every time he got mad. It was like dealing with a 4 year old who was having a temper tantrum. I kept asking myself what kind of man acts like this? Looking back any time we stayed together for more than a couple nights the majority of the time he flipped out when it was time for one of us to go home. I remember him always asking “when will I see you again” in almost a shy, little kid voice like he was scared this would be the last time. And then a little later he exploded especially if I said I wasn’t sure or didn’t give a definite answer. I didn’t realize that this was feeding his fear of abandonment. Had I known I would have handled things differently but I know the result would have been the same. Eventually I would have been painted black no matter what. BPD’s are never happy with you for too long. Also, since everyone around him loved me I think he was starting to get jealous. Plus, he kept thinking that people were just being nice with what they said about me because secretly they were laughing at him for not being with a supermodel. LOL!

    • savorydish said

      It’s a no-win scenario. You were running yourself ragged trying to make someone happy, when that person is incapable of being happy. He was a serious asshole. Probably, borderline psychopath. My ex was bad but much more passive-aggressive, much more sneaky about the way she lashed out me. This guy has no qualms about being abusive. That points to some psychotic tendencies.

  59. @ Marie I went through the same thing so to speak. Mine was the beginning of sutle put downs like she went from kissing me at the front door as a greeting to say I am glad you are here , to hey don’t kiss or pat me on my ass because there are people watching. What she was really admitting to in her fucked up way was that ave was fucking others and didn’t want the replacements to see that ,Then it moved about the last ten days or so to why did I need to come to her place at all. ,last I had heard we were still a couple planning to still see each other when she moved…LOL

    • Marie said

      Sorry to hear that Sammy. The games they play so they won’t feel/be alone. The hot and cold stuff is really mind bending. I gave up trying to fight off the gestures unless we were in public but usually he was pretty discreet. Sorry for what you went through. Glad to see you laughing a little about it now.

      Last I knew my ex hadn’t told anyone we were done. I did text him to let him know that his mother called me…meaning she knows everything now. He never answered and I highly doubt I will hear from him again. I hope the same for you and wish you peace.

      SD, you’re right, he never tried to hide the verbal abuse. The one time he got physical (pulled my hair) afterwards he blamed me. Then I finally got him to admit he used to do the same thing to his ex-wife after he repeatedly lied and said he never laid a hand on her. The last time I saw him he was in my kitchen screaming “Yes, I’m an abuser, so what?!”. The verbal abuse in public would be so only I could hear him. I never took the bait to create a scene and make it look like I was nuts.

  60. MickeyD said

    Dear SD, I’ve spent quite some time now reading through many of these replies. I am a BPD female who has struggled for years with who I am. I’ve read a lot of anger and confusion in many of these posts. I’m not sure this will help anybody, I can only speak for myself but…..please understand, all of you who have suffered at the hands of a BPD….it is NOT your fault. If we have split you black, it’s because we feel you have rejected us somehow, or are about to, or you might abandon us (it could be something as simple as you have lost some weight, you’re styling your hair differently…we read; he’s having an affair…twisted, I know). It is our defense mechanism. We don’t wish to cut you off, it hurts us tremendously, it’s just that we are trying to protect ourselves from the pain of getting left behind (the same way we had to cut off our abusive parent when we were young…we had to stop loving him). If we are angry, we hate lashing out and feel great remorse and shame for acting the way we did. We come on kind again because we want your forgiveness (at the same time hoping and praying we never act in that fashion again). If we reject your love it’s only because we truly don’t believe people can love….we don’t even really know what it is, we go through the motions (we feel like sex is showing our love, making you breakfast, cleaning the house….is ‘love’), it’s our way of giving what we think love is. The only true, heartfelt, unconditional love I’ve ever been able to give is for my child….it’s different….they don’t hurt us, although sometimes I feel I shut my child out of my life too….and I have to get that door opened up again. But, adults (men in particular), in my mind, have the potential to wreck our lives. Although most of the men I’ve dated in my life have been NPD….I set myself up for abandonment, these men are not capable of giving love and they run from true intimacy….it literally drives us crazy, we desperately want the ONE person who is not capable of giving us love. And suddenly, if he did, we wouldn’t want him anymore anyway because we don’t truly believe anyone can ‘love’….it’s such a viscious circle. Am I happy with who I am??? I think so….I try to live my life accordingly, try not to abuse people with rages and verbal attacks, everyday I have to look in the mirror and remind myself to be all I am capable of being….a good mother, a good wife, don’t isolate, stay connected (if hubby gives me a hug, don’t run, hug him back for crying out loud). It’s not easy being BPD, and again, I’m sorry for those of you who have been abused….so many women (and I speak from the female standpoint), truly have no idea what their personality disorder is, how to control it, or contain it….so we hurt everyone around us, make you go away, then feel lonely and like hell for running everyone who ‘could have loved us’ away. I am so sorry for the pain in each of you….I know what it feels like just from loving (er, what I perceive as love) NPD men…..it’s a pain and longing for someone to be something different than what they are…we want them to be what we feel they ‘should’ be….and somehow we feel that WE are the ones (and the only ones) who can do that for them. It’s a hard habit to break…I almost believe it’s in our DNA….but we must continue on learning about ourselves and learning to love to the best of our abilities…whatever that means to us as an individual. Trying to let someone go who professed their love for us and acted like they truly meant it….then they push/pull us around when they feel like it…is true hell. Find your peace, if that means going for a walk and connecting with the beauty of nature and not letting the disordered individual into your mind for 20 minutes or so…do it…now. Peace.

    MickeyD

    • savorydish said

      Hi Mickey,
      I don’t have time to respond at the moment. But stay tuned.

      Peace,
      SD

      • lisa said

        Thanks mickey for sharing your side of the story. Unfortunately most relationships involving bpd dont end wel especially if the one thathas bpd is not willing to take responsibility for themselves and do everything necessary to try and get themselves to a more stable place like i think you have- whether bpd male or female it all is basically the same they put you through so much abuse tht you wake up years later wondering who the hell you are, how did i get here and then how do i start to get my life back. I am 49 years old and feel like my life is such a mess ànd i dont even know where or how to start feeling good again. I feel like a child myself right now trying to get through the pain that this man caused me. He left me totally drained emotionally and financially that im actually a shell of the woman i used to be. So whether he feels bad for what he did it doesnt even matter anymore because i am left to pick up the pieces and do damage control because i loved someone who has bpd

    • savorydish said

      Dear Mickey,

      Thank you for your insight and words of wisdom. But most of all, thank you for showing us that (with a lot of work) borderlines and Nons can be more compassionate towards each other.

      Everything you said rings true. And yes, in some ways, we are very similar. That is what draws the likes of me to the likes of you. We are both easily pulled into “love” and we are both easily hurt. Maybe I will never know or understand the pain only a borderline can feel, but I get where it comes from. I know what it feels like to be abandoned/hurt by someone you loved and trusted.

      I only wish more BPs were like you. I wish the words you sent me were sent to me by all the borderlines I have known. Sadly, you have something they do not. You have turned a corner and they are still hiding in shame and addicted to blame. So thank you for acknowledging our confusion and our anger. You are right, we all have some self-exploration to do.

      You have restored my faith in women afflicted with BPD. I still believe in change. If you can do it, certainly any one of them can. But it takes the will to do it. Peace comes to those who are willing to seek it. It comes to those who are honest enough to own up to their past misdeeds. That takes true strength and true confidence. Not the comical bravado we have seen from the TigerBeatown clowns.

      There have been so many BPs and BP enablers who have accused this blog of stigmatizing BPD when we only sought to tell the truth and share our stories. There have been so many raging borderlines who came here, looking to belittle survivors and diminish our pain in a futile attempt to discredit the truth.

      So to have someone who has experienced BPD (firsthand) come here offering acknowledgment of that truth and words of solace is quite refreshing. Thank you. Again, I wish all BPs were like you.

      SD

      • Sammy said

        @ Savoy Dish , I can only hope that one day I get a chance to express to my BPD ex this what you have said here to Mickey. And I hope that I will be as kind and come across as heart felt as you did here@Savory Dish. Mickey if I was a Cluster B personality in any way and some one spoke to me as open and kind as Savory Dish has here. That would make me at least want to seek help or strive to get and do better. Yay for Savory Dish , and yay for Mickey for trying.

      • MickeyD said

        Thank you graciously SD for welcoming my input. The second I hit send I was worried about what the ‘fallout’ might be….I’m glad I could offer a glimpse of understanding into a borderline mind. Please bear in mind that I was diagnosed 20 some years ago, I am now in my early 40’s and have had to live a life of this, in and out of therapy for several years (although it seems I only ever ran to therapy when I was in crisis, exited the minute I felt better….sheesh). But I will tell you, the younger the borderline, the worse the situation (or should I say undiagnosed). When I was in my late teens, and met the first guy that took me out of my abusive home, when he realized he could no longer deal with me and the mental problems I was displaying (and trust me, I had no idea I was displaying mental instability, that’s how naive we are to this problem). I thought cutting, screaming, threatening suicide, spitting venom if he leaves me, was just a mere overreaction to his mentioning he needs to move out of the relationship. I spent the next 15 years dating abusive NPD men, getting crazier by the minute because their inability to care (about anyone but themselves) or stick around, was non existant and I could NOT wrap my head around that….still can’t. This is why I’ve spent…..years…..reading and responding on ‘survivors of narcissists’….I know what you meant when you mentioned the BPD who come running through here screaming foul play. I’ve seen the NPD run through some of the sites I visit too….and it riles me up even more. All I can say, the longer you get hooked up on trying to understand the BPD (or NPD for that matter), the more work you have to do internally from something that went bad in childhood. We are all trying to fix a core wound from our upbringing…if we could just figure out the PD, we will have it ALL figured out is our reasoning. Again, I feel for all those who are struggling to get out from under what the BPD put you through, I know because I’ve put men through it myself. I’m not proud of it…and I truly am writing this to help you understand….not forgive….just to try and understand. Peace.

        MickeyD

      • savorydish said

        Your input is always welcome. It’s nice to have a POV from the other side and it helps to have someone confirm what we have learned from research or suspected from our own intuition. And who knows? Maybe you will inspire some of the Ragers to seek help.

    • broken2010 said

      Are you out of your mind.. Please if that is the case please don’t insult my intelligence if a non leaves for a reason why do bdp female smear them and rip them apart.. Don’t sit there and type sorry then rip my heart out and get me fired cause you didn’t want to be left.. Don’t threaten me or my family because you are upset.. last time I looked I was a human and had a brain..

    • Tom said

      Mickey, i read your input with interest. And thank you. That said, for me (have just started the beginning of the end with my exBPDgf…but why the lies, the bullying, the hitting, the threats, the destruction, the contorted projecting…the accusations which many are false or made-up? I read above from one fellow who stated ‘I am angry yet I miss her’ this is how I feel too. Then I blame myself, perhaps I have issues etc. But all I want to do is be in a committed relationship…then when I drive home in silence I think I must be a total boob, an idiot who is selling my soul and dignity and pride and everything else to the devil. The constant hitting, the constant rages…even the do not touch me, to you are the greatest sex I have ever had….but this I suspect they say to all their partners until they split, project and begin the push and pull.

      Am I lonely…sure, she is beautiful, vivacious and fun sometiimes but those days are disappearing quickly. She does not read what I say, does not listen so I pull away…but am truly hurt and untrusting…so why even bother? But I do. I do care and worry. For what? To be stabbed with a fork in a restaurant, to be kicked in my back at Heathrow Airport because I say honey the flight is boarding…or when the stewardess smiles and gives me cookies on KLM and my ex kicks me again on board…my reaction is passive but it hurts even though am 6ft 2…but am not a bully and I do not hit back.

      Anyway…the list goes on, so I must be crazy when I look at myself and the sacrifices I have made just to be humilated and treated like crap.

      Thanks for you input though. Tom

  61. Sammy said

    Thanks @ Mickey, Ya know that’s really all I want is to truthfully understand , I believe that we can over come anything with truth and love. And even if my BPD ex , would split me white again she would never, tell the truth . So thanks Mickey for telling the truth.

    • savorydish said

      Truth is a key factor in deciding whether or not a borderline has a chance at recovery. Before a borderline can even hope to recover, they must walk across the hot coals of self-awareness. BPs like my ex are deathly afraid of walking across those coals, because that would mean she would have to acknowledge her dark past. So she distracts herself with work, marriage, moving to another city, buying a car, etc..Superficial change gives her the illusion of betterment. But she is (of course) fooling herself. She fears the truth. Lying helps her avoid pain. She is a writer and every day she shares her life with people on Twitter and Facebook. But this is her public image. It is a lie.

    • MickeyD said

      You’re welcome Sammy. Even if your BPD split you back white, it wouldn’t last long until you’re on black again…..trust me….and it’s NOT any fault of yours. The minute things get going good again, we’re patiently waiting for the rug to get ripped out from under us…so we wreck the good mood just so you can’t do it to us first. Contentment is not a word in the BPD dictionary. “Truth” has to come from somewhere deep inside, like SD said, “must walk across the hot coals of self-awareness”…..one must surrender everything they’ve ever known, everything they’ve ever thought, and everything they’ve ever believed in to get to that point…to find their peace, and to make peace with others. Many don’t. I had to attempt to walk those coals a thousand times before I could finally reach the other side. I still struggle, but I got through. Peace.

      MickeyD

  62. well done Mickey said

    Hi all. Comforts me a lot too know theres people out there admitting there illness. My ex split me black 10 months ago and iam over the hill now. I see her often as we have a 4 year old daughter who cries a lot due too the fact that children know what real love is. They can kid to us adults that they love us but not to a child. She is still in denial of her illness although she has done some really crazy things. I just hope that she gets help and nothing bad happens to her as i know its an illness and i think each day must be hard for them.

    • susan said

      I dated a man I am sure is borderline for a year. He was also addicted to Meth which served as a convenient excuse for all of his bad behaviour. I did things and accepted things that I never thought I could. I felt my own core and integrity being eroded. Eventually I had enough. I have a history if co dependence that I am aware of and I was able to step back long enough to know it was unhealthy. I convinced him to move home (across the country) to get help with his addiction. He got counselling quit Meth and seemed to be doing well. Foolishly I gave him one more chance. I thought maybe, just maybe the drugs were at fault (though he had already begun dating someone during our 2 week break). I flew across the country, met with his counselor, met his whole family and had 1 week of bliss. He was acting exactly like the partner I knew I wanted. Until I got a horrible case of food poisoning and needed to lay in bed for a day. He called me needy, said I was acting like a child and became distant, cruel etc. And that behaviour didn’t stop until a few days before I left. It broke my heart, buti think he mis judged how weak I was. I flew home and after a week of continued disinterest on his part ending with him saying he’d always need to have random sexual encounters I broke it off. I felt horrible and lost without him and texted him in a moment of weakness asking how we could make this ‘open relationship’ work. He replied with abuse swearing and yelling at me…but finishing by saying to call him later so we could figure it out. I never called him again. Something broke inside of me finally and I suddenly saw him and our relationship for what it was. He e-mailed incessantly after that, called and left messages and ignored them. Eventually I sent him a short message saying I cared about him, would like to be his friend some day but for now needed time to process the break up because it was very difficult for me. His messages turned from begging me to come back, to blaming me for his addiction and then finally stopped. Unlike many of you my recovery was almost immediate. Being with him was such torture that as soon as he was gone my life improved. Friends started ti resurface, I sought treatment for my own mental health (bi polar ii), started my own business and no longer worried constantly about what he was doing. I wrote long letters to him which I never sent daily for about a month but every day I felt better. I told friends not to talk to me about what he was doing so I could avoid heartache. That was four months ago and the hell was almost over until a friend decided to tell me he was dating someone in a washed up band that was a flash in the pan 10 years ago. She thought it would cheer me up because it was so laughable but it didn’t. It just brought back all the painful feelings of all the lies and cheating from our relationship. He had begged me to come back saying that even if I didn’t he needed to be single for at least a year because he knew he was screwed up. I was so upset when she told me that I foolishly wrote him to point out his lie…he responded saying I’dnever known him and never given him a chance to show me who he really was, that everything was because he was an addict. He swore at me, cursed me for cutting him off but also said it was the best thing that’d ever happened to him. Sadly being an addict that has become his excuse and his cover. It works even on counselors and family. He is friendly and warm with everyone and hides 90% of himself at all times. For some reason he told me things he’d never told anyone, let me into enough of the very purposely separate sections of his life that I was able to figure his mo out fairly quickly. I knew people from his work, his drug community, his band and then eventually lived with his family for a month. When I started piecing together the puzzle I saw a clear history of neglect and abuse. And a very clear pattern in his relationships. I am disapointed in myself for writing him yesterday and disapointed to realize he still has the power to hurt and paralyze me. I’m not jealous of his relationship because I know what it is. I’m kind of sad because a tiny part of me hoped his counselor could help with the BPD and that maybe, just maybe he’d actually not date anyone for a while. At any rate I’m glad I found this post to help me remember that there is nothing I could have done and nothing I can say or do now. I just need to keep loving myself and living my life the way I want to. I have never been so happy to be single and I have learned finally never to compromise my core values for anyone. No lover is worth losing yourself and anyone who asks you to does not really love you.

  63. Susan said

    Just as an addendum; I used to listen to this song on repeat when I was tempted to write my ex, when I felt I could slip and allow him back in.

    No, I can’t take one more step towards you
    ‘Cause all that’s waiting is regret
    Don’t you know I’m not your ghost anymore
    You lost the love I loved the most

    I learned to live half alive
    And now you want me one more time

    [Chorus:]
    And who do you think you are?
    Runnin’ ’round leaving scars
    Collecting your jar of hearts
    And tearing love apart
    You’re gonna catch a cold
    From the ice inside your soul
    So don’t come back for me
    Who do you think you are?

    I hear you’re asking all around
    If I am anywhere to be found
    But I have grown too strong
    To ever fall back in your arms

    And I’ve learned to live half alive
    And now you want me one more time

    [Chorus:]
    And who do you think you are?
    Runnin’ ’round leaving scars
    Collecting your jar of hearts
    And tearing love apart
    You’re gonna catch a cold
    From the ice inside your soul
    So don’t come back for me
    Who do you think you are?

    Dear, It took so long just to feel alright
    Remember how to put back the light in my eyes
    I wish I had missed the first time that we kissed
    ‘Cause you broke all your promises
    And now you’re back
    You don’t get to get me back

    [Chorus: x2]
    And who do you think you are?
    Runnin’ ’round leaving scars
    Collecting your jar of hearts
    And tearing love apart
    You’re gonna catch a cold
    From the ice inside your soul
    Don’t come back for me
    Don’t come back at all

    Who do you think you are?

    • Henley said

      I’m mesmerized by this video. Great lyrics, love her voice, the edgy ballet choreography. It speaks to me. When I look back, I feel like this is a complete depiction of who I was. Thanks for theb post.

  64. lbvboy33 said

    i’ve read a lot on bdp since my ex broke up with me in january of this year for her ex npd. basically before that, we started dating july of 2011 til jan 2012. we would break up every thursday or friday, then make up monday or tuesday. it got to the point where we joked about it. this is before i knew about bpd this year. we went from, and these are her words a one nite stand, she fell in love the first nite we were together, to a fling, to casual dating to a relationship back to casual dating. then the ex came back in the picture and she went from asking me to move in with her to literally kicking me to the curb. so our final breakup went like this, wednesday she begged me over and we had a great nite, made love and cuddled, i brought her food to eat and gave her a foot rub which she loves. got up to go to work thursday morning and she said she loved me, (even though we weren’t together for the previous 3 months officially. ironically we spent more time together once she declared we weren’t together and only casually dating) then the next nite she went out with her girlfriend and when we got off the phone i said i love you, her response was well you have a good nite too. so i called her on it and she went off on me accusing me of overreacting. the next day friday she cussed me out and told me she never wanted to talk to me again. i said ok, then 30 seconds later she said she didn’t want me out of her life, but from here on out maybe i shouldn’t call or text her cause she needed space, but she would contact me. i pushed the issue over the next 2 weeks and found out she was back with the ex and he moved in. found this out on valentines day! so she told me to leave her alone and get over it. so i didn’t contact her. it was hell, and i wished she would call or text me everyday. then one day 3.5 months later she calls me out of the blue and was very pleasant. wanted to meet and i agreed, so we met two nites later and slept together again. i told her i still cared for her and she told me she needed some time to get over her ex. i said of course, and she asked a million times if i had someone else and i told her a million times no. i asked her the if she did and she said only her ex which she was getting over. i told her ok, but i didn’t want to do the casual dating thing again and she promised it wasn’t gonna be like that. but sure enough 3 weeks in after i was hooked she says she may need to date again. i realize now this was a test, now fast forward 3.5 months more and she has casually dated 6 guys that i know of and still hasn’t made up her mind yet. so i just said it was either me or them and she said well she didn’t consider me a boyfriend and she wanted to continue to date. but everytime we got into an argument she would tell me whatever i did at that time was the reason why we couldn’t be together, or if i was busy and couldn’t come over she’d just call another friend to come by. now the irony is when i pretended to have a date one nite she went off on me about it and said she was mad about, mind you she had a date with another friend planned for the next nite!!! anytime we are together and her phone rings or pings with a message there is no mention of it, if the same happens to me, a fight breaks out! i know i need to get out, but i still have feelings for this woman. what are some things i can do to get my mind off her, cause i know she will come back again

    • Tom said

      This sounds very familiar. Interesting part about you ‘pretending’ to have a date, you get scolded and told off, but they have something lined up already for themselves. It is a game, but very one sided game, you lose before you begin. The rules are simple, stay at home, suffer, sit by the phone and if she feels like she will call, or if she is having a good time she won’t….or worse, she calls and leaves a controlling message while you hear the background thumping away…Why all this? The kicker is would you or I do something to torment someone you care for…absolutely not. So that brings me to revenge, how to get back at her to make her stop in her tracks, think and hopefully she will put 2+2 together…not happening, you are told you are the devil, you have issues, you are controlling, they need space, they are happier than ever, move on, fuck off, leave me alone etc….so we do that. Then the messages, yes messages start coming in. The lies and projection begins. And so the story goes like a hamster in a wheel going nowhere. And they keep moving around outside the cage…food today, nope…maybe food tomorrow, we shall see if I want to. Pure torture, yet we hang on….addicted.

  65. David said

    This all sounds too familiar I think I have been split black. My gf cut me off just as we were going on holiday with some friends. It was awful. We have been back for a month and our relationship has existed by text since, despite my efforts to get things back on track. But now I am too needy, and she needs space. I am not actually sure if I am in a relationship or not.

    The relationship was so intense, amazing for two months just before we went away, and then bang – nothing. Thinking back, I might not have replied to a text or two (I got alot from her), and she misunderstood me one day when I was goofing around joking with her – I think that caused the turn. Who knows.

    I didn’t know about BPD until I stumbled across information here and it fits my situation so well it’s uncanny. I am going around to hers this evening to collect my belongings. It is very painful, but I now feel empowered and feel I have gained some confidence and self-respect having read these personal insights. Thanks for everyone’s contributions.

    • savorydish said

      You’re welcome. If all of this sounds very familiar, the chances are good that you are in a BPD relationship. If she has split you black, then she will misunderstand everything you say.

      At this point, you will do everything you can to save the relationship. But you will find all your efforts will be met with more hostility. This hostility has nothing to do with you.

      She is in panic mode which means she has pushed the “relationship destruct” button. Nothing you say or do will reverse this process. The best you can do is save yourself. Brace yourself for the inevitable fall from grace. Good luck.

  66. veronica said

    Ok became friends with a woman who lives far away from me we are both in our 40s and both are married with children. Met her at event n connected right away. We became good friends quickly. We texted daily and video chatted often in beginning she was so kind. Made me laugh n enjoyed her personality n friendship we both have special needs boys so we supported each other. Anyway. Realized she not happy w her husband she spoke badly about him a lot tried to listen n support her. She did play the victim quite often. I started feeling bad for her. Did whatever I could to make her happy n laugh. Gave her compliments a lot. Told her she was pretty , which she is. She said thank u but growing up never felt pretty. Then she had said. You don’t know where I have been? I said where were u? She said in a very sad, bad place:( she told me until.4 yrs ago. She never went out. Because she was depressed never felt good enough. Unloved. Not attractive etc. Now she has group of friends. Who I met n they all seem to know her as a diff person. It’s common for them to show a diff person to each friend. ? They all seemed to know the surface her but no deep intimate friendships. She has said many cruel things to me. N when it started I would just disregard it. But when I started questioning her saying that wasn’t nice I expect an apology. She would always turn it around. Blame on me. She has never apologized. Never:( I could go on n on. Basically onevtime having text conversation w her n another friend. I left conversation abruptly. Had to go somewhere. I didn’t say goodbye. Next day she said. U are mad at me?. I said no I not. She said yes u left texting w out saying goodbye. Saw her. Visited her 4 months later n she brought that up. That I never said goodbye:( can’t believe she carried that with her so long. After this happened initially I noticed she became distant etc. I guess this really hurt her. She won’t admit to having bpd. She has accused me of calling her crazy cause I told her bout therapy. This whole friendship has deeply hurt n affected me. Bpd is a very sad. Tragic disorder. Heartbreaking!! She no longer talks to me she has blocked me. I’ve wriiten. No response. I am in therapy now dealing w this ny issues. I now know I cant help her. She has to eNt to help herself. I still care a lot about her. I do believe she wS.molested. because of whoever did to her, she is changed n hurt n scared for life. Those people should all be put far away….I know I can’t let her defenses affect me. Anymore. But I so pray for her to help herself cause I know. She’s a good person inside

  67. jaycee said

    this all sounds familiar to me…..mine had a lot of bpd traits, 2 divorces 1 child by age 32, unstable childhood, no stable father, she began constant texting before we even dated, sending love poems etc, i began responding to her texts, she played the poor me card because of previous guys, she seemed like a 30 yr old with teenager fantasy love dreams, i began to date her, she brought me a love language book and said she needs lots of words of affirmation which i thought was unusal, she wanted quick commitment/ marriage, idealized me and mirrored me, made me feel like her savior, i loved the attention but my gut said this is the opposite way a relationship should evolve because it was all so fast and i hardy earned the “savior” status. Because of these red flags and her child i wanted to take things slow. Eventually, i began to feel more comfortable with the situation and wanted more closeness. She then demanded a ring and a guarantee i would never leave or she could not go on. I didnt understand that way of thinking. She then stopped caring for me and started looking for other guys online when i didnt follow her deadline. We continued contact and she would say ” just get me the ring”. I just didnt think that is how you should start a marriage. We stayed apart but after a month or so she finally told me she loved me and really missed me and did i still love her, i said yes, But almost 2 weeks later she posted a picture of another guy and her on facebook. Told me she found a soulmate online and after a month she was moving 2 hours away with her child to be with this guy. She just stopped all contact like i never existed. It feels weird that she doesnt need to speak to me ever again after all the texts and times me, her and her child spent together. She is taking her child away from her father and extended family as well. All of this after a month or 2 knowing this new guy. I am in shock. She is very high functioning professional so from the outside she looks like a great catch. That is why its hard for me to reconcile both behaviors. I miss her and what i thought we had i guess.

    • Corrine said

      Wow!! This sounds exactly like my ex BPD- she gave me the love languages book as well wanted commitment right away or nothing and has everything I’ve ever said against me at some point or another.

  68. Bill said

    Thank you so much for the information . My soon to be x wife has been abusing me physically ,verbally ,& emotionally for years. I finally stood up to her after she bit me in the face 5 times for no other reason accept she was mad at the kids and took it out on me. I called the police and she was arrested. She now is furious . Attacking in every way she can. Can you please explain !!!!!

  69. savorydish said

    Brett,

    I’m not sure what you would get out of manipulating her. She is already in pain. That is the nature of her disease. Sometimes confronting them with the truth is punishment enough.

  70. Jan said

    I will try to make this as short as possible, but I want to make sure that I get in all the key details & signs that I did not see.

    I met an AMAZING woman. I actually knew her for years, we were acquaintences, but not really close friends, I also knew she was a lesbian, and I was straight, but I was attracted to her. We had so much in common and would talk for hours. When we first starting talking, she did tell me that she was in therapy, due to some family issues and that she recently got out of a long term relationship. I didn’t see therapy as a bad thing, because I think everyone needs someone objective to talk to sometimes.

    We got closer and closer, and maybe moved a bit fast, but I was mesmerized by this woman. She was smart, funny, beautiful, loving and giving. We started dating. It was very intense, I had never felt that way about anyone before, male or female.

    One time she did say that she was CRAZY, and would I still love her after I saw her “crazy” I just laughed, because I knew that the way I felt was unconditional.

    I have 6 months worth of text messages about how much she loved me, couldn’t live without me…blah blah blah. We talked about everything, and I knew she was a guarded person, but also that she had been burned in the past. Who didn’t have past issues, but I did not see that as a hinderance. We took weekend getaways, she was around my family, we shared everything. We were inseparable.

    Then it began to change. She was dealing with some financial stresses, and stress with some people she had living in her house. As her girlfriend, I wanted to help her, and support her in any way. I truly cared about her. She did say how she retreats heavily when stressed. Maybe that was another sign, that I should have given her some space, but my nature is to help those in need. I felt her pulling away. I told her that I was there for her, and I would ALWAYS be there for her. I wanted her to know that she was not alone. We went from seeing each other almost daily not not seeing each other as much, but we talked on the phone, mainly about her problems. I would try to see her, but she would say she was busy or too tired, didn’t have money. Or make comments like “my life is crazy right now, I know this is not what you signed up for” or things like “I’m in a shitty place right now, its probably best that we haven’t seen each other” It broke my heart, because I wanted to help. The one argument we had was when I asked her if she needed a “break” she was shutting me out, and I was concerned. She flipped on me!!! said that this relationship was not a F—ing game and that she was ALL IN and if I wasnt then I should say so, but I couldnt just call time out when ever I wanted. I was taken aback….that was not what I was trying to do. She went on to say that she was inlove with me and that she had to know that she could trust me to handle her “crazy” there was that word again………….

    Maybe I am a bit co-dependent, I don’t know.

    Well 6 weeks ago, it all came to an end. She broke up with me. Stating she was not ready to be in a relationship, that she needed to be alone right now. We were in public so I did not want to get all emotional. We gave each other back our rings, hugged and parted ways. I broke down in my car. I felt like my heart had been ripped out my chest. She text me shortly, apologizing. A few hours later she text me again. “are you ok?'” SERIOUSLY? We ended up texting each other all night with her saying that she was extremely sorry, NEVER meant to hurt me, that she LOVED me, but that she needed to heal.

    I asked why couldn’t we stay together while she worked her problems out? I loved her THAT much, and wanted this to work. She said no, she was not where she wanted to be. The next night she ended up coming to see me…..in my heart I felt like there was something more she wanted to say, but was too afraid to. She would say things like, its not me, its her, that I am perfect, but she is just not enough…….I tried to reassure her that she IS good enough and worthy…but nothing I said would change her mind.

    I have repeatedly tried to reach out to her, let her know that I loved her, but she wont talk to me. Now she has completely shut me out, stating that I am not respecting her or her feelings, but what about MY feelings, what about how much I love her? We went from bliss to chaos in 1 month……..how can someone who says you mean the world to me turn around and say they no longer want you?

    I always felt like it was more than personal growth that was behind her decision. I know she was scared of commitment, and the very though of it frightens her. She ran before……for 3 days, stating she needed to disappear, but came back saying how miserable she was without me, and how she could not imagine her life without me. That was when the relationship took off………..

    What started out as friendly texts have since turned hostile. Now all I care about is me, and not her and I need to leave her alone. Said she deleted all my texts from the last 6 months, all our pics…….said it was counterproductive. I felt like she put a knife through my heart. I tried to get closure once, but that did not go very well.

    Since the break up, I have been distraught, and depressed, I have lost a part of me, and I dont know what to do, or where to turn. I often times feel like I am crazy. I feel SO empty and keep replaying things in my mind, trying to figure out where I went wrong. I was good to her, patient, loving, supportive. She knew it, and would always comment on it.

    Something made me google BPD…I am not sure why, but as I read more and more, I was like OMG this is her…….low self-esteem, saying she was not good enough, or worthy enough, scared of loving, and afraid to be vulnerable. Saying things like she was crazy, but I never knew what she meant by it really, I just assumed she was being dramatic.

    I am not sure if she has been diagnosed in therapy or not, I am afraid to ask her fear of her going off on me. All I know is that I love her VERY much, we were only together for a short time, but spent SO much time together, and the closeness was awesome, that I dont know if I can go on without her……..

    My question is…..do you think my ex is BPD?

    SORRY ITS SO LONG…………IM JUST DESPERATE FOR SOME ANSWERS……….

    • savorydish said

      Hi Jan,

      Sorry for your pain. I’m not in a position to diagnose your ex, but it does sound like she has some serious intimacy issues. If she says she’s crazy then she should be responsible enough to keep out of relationships. She is knowingly hurting people. With or without a diagnosis of BPD, you should stay far far away from this person. Cut off contact immediately for you own well-being.

    • Corrine said

      @Jan
      You just described my relationship with my exBPD to a tee. Thanks so much for sharing your pain and confusion.
      I don’t even know where to start. I was with her for 11 months. Feb-Dec 19. She has two kids 17 and 8. Three failed major relationships (2 marriages one common law) and countless other shorter term failed relationships. Well on and off because of the push/pull, all or nothing, black and white thinking. It was intense right from the beginning. She had never felt like this before, she loved me soo much, she wanted a baby with me, marriage – all of it. And this started quickly. She would always stare at me with loving intense eyes, give lots of affection, be the perfect partner. Of course this was in the seduction and cling on phases of our time together. I felt very intensely for her and wanted to be there for her thru think and thin even thou she told me she had issues. She never opened up to people, she didn’t trust, she didn’t like conflict etc etc etc… We got her treated for major depression in October but she had to switch medications and has only been on the recent one for two weeks so it hasn’t had time to take effect. Even thou she “thinks” it has. That’s why I went back after she dumped me for the 4th time- because she was seeking treatment for what the doctors and she thinks is anxiety and depression. We talked openly about her depression, I supported her to seek all therapy, I forgave her for cruelty because she was owning the depression and seeking the proper help. But after stumbling on BPD I am sure this is her. We had been back together for almost 4 weeks. She planned a Christmas Eve dinner with my friends and family because she said she wanted to prove to me she wouldn’t bail again at the first sign of conflict. I have had a lot going on this past two weeks and I had a few to many drinks and we got into an argument. My dad is ill, my grandma passed away and I’m starting a new job. There’s more but I won’t bore you. Regardless I lost my temper and told her she didn’t understand my family and she had no right to judge me for how I speak to them. It got pretty heated and I also said I’m tired of this relationship always being about her and that she was selfish – well you can imagine how that went. I walked home that night. Apologized the very next morning, saying I lost my temper, I said some hurtful things, I won’t do it agin etc. well she cut me off but left me hanging for 5 days. Came over to my house at 10 pm knowing I had a funeral the next morning, berated my character for 2.5 hours until I finally asked her to leave. I couldn’t take the attack anymore. I don’t respect
      her, I’m a bully, I interrupt her, I try to control her – anyway the list goes on and on. This was the 19th of Dec. All of my Christmas plans have been ruined, with no regard to my feeling or personal circumstances. I’m beyond hurt and feel very betrayed that I fell for this once again. We were looking at rings two weeks ago!! It just doesn’t make any sense. I’m so upset with myself. She said there is something missing from the relationship- well it’s her lack of forgiveness, empathy, love and compassion yet she projects that all onto me. Didn’t even see this coming but I should have. After reading all
      these posts it is clear to me she never loved or cared about me. She’s heartless, cold, mean and messed up!
      I’m trying so hard to stay away- it’s so hard especially this time of year. I would have done anything for this women- I truly loved her even with all her issues. I’m forgiving and loving because we all have issues including me. Sometimes I thinks it’s me because she does such a great job at twisting everything I say and do. I’m done- I cannot and will not go through this anymore. So Jan moral of the story- listen to what she is telling you. Let her be!!! She’s doing you a favour!!

  71. bringmeback2life said

    hi everyone i would like to know something, My ex(bdp) and I just broke up 2 months ago, but the thing I dont understand is why she painted me black but went back to talk with 2 of her ex bf ? Isn’t she suppose to paint them black? So why did she go back to them ? and can someone tell me why she added some random dude on her fb. theyre not scared ?

    • savorydish said

      Realize that BPs are self-destructive people. As such, they can be terrible judges of character. They seek out people who will destroy them and run away from people who only want to nurture them. She painted you black because she was afraid of losing you.

      Dysfunctional “friends” aren’t painted black because there is no fear of rejection. Birds of a feather flock together. Don’t try to make sense of it. This is the upside down world of BPD.

      • bringmeback2life said

        oh i see. thx

        but if she painted me black. and im one of her ex so how come she went back to talk with 2 of her ex if she painted em black before me ? thats the thing i dont understand .. sorry im just lost n confused with all the bullshit with my ex

      • savorydish said

        As humans we are conditioned to seek out the familiar. Good or bad.
        That means if you grew up in a dysfunctional family, then you will seek out the dysfunctional. If you have been rejected by a BP, consider it a compliment. You were not screwed up enough for her.

      • this explains alot to me, I was so good to my bpdexgf, and wondered why she ran away without telling me why… I am painted so black all I can think of why is we were so close and got on so well and she cannot handle my love for her

  72. GF789 said

    Hi. First of all I just want to say this is an amazing blog, the replies from Savory Dish are very articulate and demonstrates an enduring and really tough experience. After reading some of the stories here I feel like that I can completely identify with what happened to me as well. This is not as bad as some of the things I’ve been reading here but I suspect my ex-girlfriend to have BPD. This is the story about 3 people actually, Hollie (the girl I was with for a few months), Pete (her ex-boyfriend….or now current boyfriend) and myself.

    Hollie decided to end her 4 year relationship with Pete about 2 months
    ago. Then, Hollie and I became close friends as time went on, we then
    inevitably expressed feelings we had for each other and started going out. 2 months
    later she completely changed one day and felt guilty for hurting Pete and
    decided to end it with me, being very nasty about it. After suddenly
    changing her personality completely, she claimed that I used her while
    she was vulnerable, which is absolute rubbish. During our relationship, she
    gave me all the signs that she wasn’t interested with him anymore, she very
    clearly said on numerous occasions that she was now free and happy to
    have him out of her life. She encouraged the relationship with me if anything,
    she expressed a lot of feelings and relief that Pete was no longer in her
    life. With such thoughts, I wouldn’t think for a second she may regret
    leaving him or feeling bad about it. So I went along with it. Even during
    that time I thought she was being very harsh with him to be honest.
    I think to some extent she wanted something different and decided to go
    for me. I know how this sounds but it’s really how I see it when looking
    back. She kept pursuing me, whilst I was remaining a little detached, she was
    highly motivated to win me and when she did, she became disinterested and
    then had to find some mad reasons to justify it. It seems to me that when
    things don’t go right for her she will blame it on others, she blamed Pete
    for so many things and then blamed me all the same. It’s something that I honestly
    didn’t think she was capable of doing, hurting others, as she usually is
    very thoughtful and caring in general. One thing that also has had an impact on her way of thinking is that she has a mental condition. She was diagnosed manic depressive not long ago, so
    it’s very difficult to make sense of it all. But I do believe it’s also BPD. People with mental problems don’t act rationally so you can’t always find logic in what they do. It will be
    impossible for me to find answers. They live in a different world. While
    she was having occasional anxiety attacks I was there to support her and always tried
    to ask her what she thought was maybe causing them. She denies me even
    showing an interest or understanding it.

    Anyway, there was no way on this earth I could’ve known she would change
    her mind one day, if I had doubts I would’ve mentioned something because I
    certainly wouldn’t want to hurt Pete’s feelings and make things worse.
    She very clearly wanted to have a relationship with me, and I never took
    advantage as she claims. But what is done is done. It’s such a shame because I really liked her as a
    friend and I wish it never went beyond that now. So now I’ve been trying
    to forget it and move on but it’s harder than I thought. I just wish she could
    see things differently and not just think that I was some kind of evil
    imposer that took advantage, that is what gets to me the most, it is so
    utterly untrue! Her condition may very well suggest why she reacted so
    outrageously this way, but like I said it seems she can very easily blame
    others when things don’t go right for her. It’s also like seeing things
    in black & white only, or like you are right and everybody else is wrong.

    Maybe you see my point? But maybe I missed something. Either way I don’t
    know who else to talk to about it as I’m still trying to make sense of it
    all. If I did something wrong, or made a mistake, or didn’t analyze
    something correctly, it would be good to know for a piece of mind, she’s
    really made me feel guilty and was REALLY harsh about it. So any truthful
    points would help because I feel lost and depressed about it.

    I am now feeling like the scapegoat. I am absolutely certain she is now portraying herself as a victim and that this whole thing was my fault. Outrageous behavior! I honestly don’t recognize her anymore.

    Thanks for reading
    Gary

  73. GF789 said

    I will also add that she has completely split me black. Obviously. But the truth is that SHE used me for her time of need, not the other way around. I thought her split with her ex was genuine, but it obviously wasn’t. And now she tells all her friends that I used her while she was vulnerable. Is there anything worse than betrayal? Probably not.

  74. Nicholas said

    I’m just wondering if someone could read my story and let me know if it sounds like my ex is borderline? I finally got the courage to end the relationship seven weeks ago, and have been going through hell. Plus, she won’t stop emailing and calling me. She even showed up at my house once to try to get me to jump through more flaming hoops for. I basically had to break up with her all over again. Just this week she’s been emailing me instructing me not to talk to people about her or what happened. In the emails she’s also forwarding emails from her ex, who’s giving her advice on being on plenty of fish… It’s as if she doesn’t understand how much it would hurt to know she’s already looking for a new man after we’ve been broken up for seven weeks. Anyway, here’s my story:

    My story begins 11 years ago, but I’m only going to talk about the last six years as that’s when my friendship with Tasha turned into a romantic involvement.

    I had been single for two years, she for seven months. I had helped her leave an “abusive” relationship by packing her and her two children up, and taking them to another town where she went into hiding living with her aunt. I didn’t have too much contact with her after that, but we talked on the phone a few times, and saw each other on occasion when I took the ferry into nanaimo on some errand or another.

    We didn’t have much contact with one another over that summer. I do remember one phone conversation we had about a month after she left her partner. She told me that she’d gone to Vancouver to meet some old Saskatchewan friends who were visiting. It was just a day trip. She told me that she’d met up with an old flame of hers, Forbes, and spent an “amazing” hour with him before boarding the ferry at horseshoe bay before coming home. She told me that they made out, and that he was in the middle of trying to break up with his girlfriend. She also told me that she thought they might end up together in the future, and that she would consider having another baby for him if that’s what he wanted.

    I can’t say I was overly impressed with this information, and not because I was jealous. In fact, I was in the middle of my own romantic drama brought about the recent news of my ex beginning a new relationship. No, I was a bit taken aback by the rapidity with which she moved on, and the fact that she had obviously been harboring secret feelings for this man, while living and reproducing with another. In fact, she had had an affair with yet another man while in relationship with Brian, the father of her children.

    Jump forward to the early fall of 2006. I began to make special occasional trips to nanaimo to see Tasha.
    She came to Gabriola a couple times to stay with me with her kids. Just as friends. I’d be lying if I said that at this time, I wasn’t hoping for more, because I most certainly was, but I was mindful of the fact that she was just fresh out of a relationship, and didn’t want to complicate things for her.

    At the end of October I got a phone call from her. She was inviting me to come visit her at her new apartment. She was finally able to move out of her aunts house where she’d been staying for the past seven months. She wanted us to go to a movie together. I said sure, but it would have to be an eagle show as the late show would mean I’d miss the ferry home. She said that was ok, as I could crash at her place. She’d sleep with Frankie, her four year old daughter, in Frankie’s bed, and I could sleep in her bed.
    We went to the show, and got back to her place. She had received a brand new donated bed that day and was excited about it. We stayed up in the living room talking and giving one another back rubs until late, then I went to the washroom to change into shorts for bed. When I came back, she was in her bed. I asked her what she was doing, and she said she was too happy and excited about her new bed to not sleep in it. I stood there for a moment, and then told her that I tended to grope in my sleep, which is true if I’m in bed with a beautiful woman. She said something like “that’s ok” so, having warned her, I got into bed and we went to sleep. I woke up with my hand on her waist. She was facing away from me. Before long she woke up and rolled towards me. I kissed her. We made love all night.

    In the morning I was up early and heading to work back on the island. I was on cloud nine. The sex was great, but the way she treated me was even better. At one point she took my face in her hands and slowly and tenderly kissed every inch of it. It remains one of the times in my life I have felt most adored. No one had ever treated me with that sort of affection. No one. I was hooked.
    As I was standing at the sink, she came up to me and said “I love you”. Although I was a bit shocked , I took it as a sign of our friendship.

    The next couple of weeks were confusing for me, but I was falling deeply in love, so any feelings of confusion were mitigated by that experience. Plus, I was having the most intense and plentiful sex of my entire life. Needless to say, I wasn’t thinking clearly, because, if I had been, I would have seen the warning signs straight away.
    The first was that although she had professed love for me after our first night together, upon coming back to see her later that evening, she made it clear she was not looking for anything serious. This isn’t the way I go, but I said I was ok with it. That was my mistake, and one I won’t repeat. When someone tells you they’re not ready for a serious relationship, heed their words. They mean it. That all changed a couple of weeks later when she told me that because it was me, and it’s what I wanted, we were officially a couple. I have a vague recollection that she didn’t want me to tell people just yet however. Another warning sign.

    Things went along relatively smoothly for the next couple of months as I recall. I worked from Tuesday to Saturday, and had my four children from Thursday to Sunday, so I would spend most of my free nights with Tasha in nanaimo. This went on for 3 or 4 months before I began to burn out. I wasn’t getting much sleep when I was with her, and was crazy busy with work and kids. Eventually something had to give, and, of course, it had to be my time in nanaimo. Tasha didn’t take this well at all. In fact, she brought it up continually over the course of our relationship, referring to it as when I “lost interest” in her. She seemed completely unable to understand that I had completely exhausted myself trying to do it all. I designated Tuesday evenings as “relationship maintenance night” with my work, as they were pushing for more and more of my time. Tuesdays were off limits as I knew that I needed to make sure to have time with Tasha. I think this helped her a bit, but I’m not sure. I do know that the onus was on me to come see her. She didn’t spend a lot of time at my house.

    It was within the first few months that her insecurities around my other female friends began to surface. I’ll make this part short by saying that she had some valid concerns regarding my boundaries around one of these friendships in particular. It took me awhile to figure this out as I have always had far more female than male friends by far, and for myself am always clear that they are just friendships and nothing more. This led to many exhausting conversations on the phone with me trying to reassure her that I wasn’t romantically interested in anyone else, which was entirely true. Really, when I look back on it, I can see that it simply boiled down to one thing: she didn’t trust me. I wish I had possessed more emotional maturity at the time. It would’ve saved me a TON of future heartache.

    Somewhere in the spring of 2007, I was driving her back to the ferry from my house on Gabriola. She had spent the night. She didn’t have the kids, it was just the two of us. Somewhere along the ten minute drive she became very upset and began to cry. By the time she got to the ferry she said it was too much for her, and that we had to break up. It was VERY dramatic. I fell for it. I chased her down, told her I loved her, and asked her to marry me. She cheered up and said yes. I think that was when I REALLY got sucked in.

    Around the summer of 2007, all the drama came to a head when she backed out, once again, of coming to stay with me on the island. I angrily said “that’s ok, I figured you’d bail again, so I already made plans with Vanessa to take the kids to the river”. My bad. I had become a game player right back. Again, not enough emotional maturity. She broke up with me on the spot.

    Now, here’s the interesting thing: I was FINE with it. I didn’t hear from her for five days, and I didn’t miss her at all. In fact, all I remember really feeling was an overwhelming sense of relief. No more drama. It would have been smart of me to have paid close attention to that. However, on the fifth day, my phone rang. I don’t remember the details at all, but, suffice it to say, we ended up back together. The second significant push/pull in less than 8 months.
    Somewhere around this time, Tasha won a photo shoot. She invited me, as well as taking her kids and parents along. While she was in the studio getting her pics done with the kids, I was waiting in the office with her mother and step father. I believe this was the first time we’d really met, and while I found Will to be very nice, Karen was a very different story. She mostly talked about what a loser Tasha’s ex, Brian was, and how she was glad Tasha was with a “real” man now. But what REALLY stuck out for me was when she said “well, we’re just relieved that you’re here to take care of her now”. We’re taking about a 30 year old employed mother of two here. I was nonplussed to say the least. Just what was I getting myself into?

    Things moved along fairly smoothly from then until the summer of 2008. When I say fairly smoothly, you have to keep in mind who I was with. If a relationship is a ship on the ocean, and that ship encounters mostly nice weather with the occasional rough sea, and very odd storm, that could be classified as a good relationship. This relationship, however, was like battling mid sized to large storms most of the time, and became an almost endless wave of hurricanes for the last four years or so.

    Things REALLY went sideways in the summer of 2008.
    It was the beginning of my slide downwards at the hands of a beautiful siren. You see, I wasn’t the only one hearing her fatal song. There was also Forbes.
    Forbes Latimer, my unseen competitor for Tasha’s affection and regard. They met when he was 16 and she was 20. They met AFTER she became romantically involved with Brian. She didn’t sleep with him – which would’ve been stat rape I believe – but she made out with him. Brian had reluctantly agreed to an open relationship with her as it was the only way he could hold onto her.
    Forbes had moved to Indonesia in the spring of 2007. Tasha went to his going away party in Vancouver. This caused me some great concern as she had told me the year before that she would have another baby for this man if he wanted. She came back from the party and said nothing happened between them. I believed her. Still do actually. I may be a fool for this, but I’ll never know.

    Anyway, she came and lived with me on Gabriola for six weeks in the summer of 2008. It remains one of the happiest times in my life. I was incredibly busy working two jobs, the woman I loved and our collective six children were with us, and we were making plans for the future and talking about her staying and living with me permanently! I was SO HAPPY! Cut to… Forbes. Email. Coming for a visit, and won’t you attend a little party for me at my moms house in ladysmith this Sunday? Tasha and I had taken a trip to Victoria that weekend and she wanted to go to this party on the way back. She wanted me to come. Now, here’s the thing. I probably should’ve gone. I think if I had things may have turned out differently, but they may not have. We had a lengthy discussion about it, and I decided I wasn’t going to go. Partly because I didn’t actually want to meet this dude – I had a feeling that he was a jerk, which was later proven to be accurate – but also because Tasha Had reassured me that I had nothing to worry about, that I was the love of her life, and that no one compared to me…
    She dropped me off on the side of the highway at around 3:00 pm in ladysmith with a promise of meeting me at London drugs in nanaimo at 5:30. We had to be at her parents at 6:00 to pick up Frankie and Eden.

    I clearly remember watching her car pull away and being hit with the most pleasant feeling of complete love and trust. I’d never felt anything like it in my life. I was elated. Here I had this woman who had my back, and truly loved and cherished me. It was a hot sunny day, and I wanted to walk as far as I could before getting picked up.
    I was listening to music, enjoying the warm wind on my body, and concocting a story as I went along. Perfect day.

    Around 5:20 I began to wonder where Tasha was. Ladysmith is about 20 minutes from nanaimo, so I knew there was no way she was making it to London drugs on time. By 5:30 a feeling of dread had descended upon me. We were supposed to be at her parents by 6:00 pm. 5:45, 6:00, 6:15 rolled by, still no Tasha. At 6:20 she pulled up beside me on the road and I got in. I wasn’t angry, but I did ask her what had made her so late. Really, I only had to look at her to know exactly what had happened: Forbes. Her cheeks were flush and rosy, and she had a sparkle in her eyes. She was obviously highly aroused.
    I don’t remember exactly how the conversation went, but during the drive to her parents it was revealed that he had kissed her.
    Her and the kids were supposed to be coming back to Gabriola with me, but by the time we were halfway to the ferry, I was having serious doubts about whether that was a good idea. She pulled in to the parking lot and I got out of the car. She followed me, and we had a brief discussion. I don’t remember most of the details, but I do clearly remember the question I asked her that marked a turning point in our relationship, and for me personally. And not a good turning point. I said “so, if me and Forbes were both standing in front of you right now, who would you choose?” She was crying at this point, and it took her a few seconds to answer “I don’t know”.
    That was all I needed to hear. I walked away and through the toll area into the waiting area. She somehow convinced the ticket agent to allow her into the waiting area with her car. She tearfully tried to engage me in conversation , but I was far too hurt and angry to respond except to ask to be left alone. She eventually gave up and drove away, very visibly upset.
    Now, lets stop for a second or two here, because this is extremely relevant. There seemed to be a complete disconnect for her between her actions, and the natural consequences of those actions. As you will see, this becomes a running theme for the rest of this story.
    It’s later that evening, and I’m safely ensconced in my beautiful waterfront home, safe and sound. Reeling from the horrific crash of love and trust, but glad that I’m still intact. Licking my ego wounds basically. I hadn’t been home more than a few minutes when the phone rings. It’s Tasha. She’s begging forgiveness. She’s telling me that I actually heard wrong. She’s saying she didn’t mean it the way I heard it…??? Oh yeah? How many ways are there to interpret that? I don’t remember the exact order of events next, but she ended up back at my house where we discussed this issue at length. I yelled. A lot. She cried. A lot. This is cited, according to Tasha, as abuse. I didn’t call names. I didn’t threaten her in any way shape or form. What I did do, is let her know exactly what I thought, and how I felt about the way I had been betrayed and the trust that had been broken.
    When I look back on the last six years, it is this event that marks what should have been the end of my relationship with Tasha. But I loved her, and wasn’t emotionally mature enough to see what was right in front of me. Instead, I saw what I wanted to see. We managed to work this out, and took a trip to Saskatchewan at the beginning of August for her friend Christine’s wedding. It was a great trip. I especially took to Tasha’s friend Christel, who is one of the nicest people I have ever met.
    When we returned, the rest of the summer was fairly uneventful apart from a good amount of angst on Tasha’s part as to whether she was going to move into my home or not. She decided she was, and enrolled Frankie in grade one at Gabriola elementary school. Towards the end of the first week of school I came home in the late afternoon. It was a nice warm sunny day. Tasha and Frankie and Eden were in the house, and the kids were on the floor playing a game. I leaned down and kissed Eden’s head, and said to Frankie “hey, you wanna go down to the beach?” She looked up at me and said “I can’t, we’re moving back to nanaimo now”. I looked over at Tasha who looked sheepishly back at me. I asked her if it was true and she confirmed that it was, and that her car was packed and ready to go. I was in shock. I think I went outside at that point. She tried to talk to me and I said something along the lines of, if you’re going, just go. She did.
    I got a call a couple of hours later. Another tearful apology and begging for me not to break up with her. Obviously I didn’t.
    It was somewhere in around this time that my friends and family started to gently voice concern about my relationship with Tasha. I was having none of it. I explained her behavior from the standpoint of her very troubled childhood, and her troubled relationship with Brian. Remember, she had thoroughly convinced everyone that he was abusive. My friends and family were skeptical. The general sentiment seemed to be that regardless of her history, she was NOT good relationship material.
    By this time, I had come to the conclusion that without professional intervention, there was no possible way the relationship was going to survive. Enter magi cooper.
    Magi was Tasha’s councilor. She’d been going to her for a few months and really liked her. Actually, it was Tasha who suggested we see magi together. I eagerly agreed. Here’s a chance to fix things up I thought. Here’s a chance to get on a better track. I’ve done some councelling myself, and it has really helped me figure things out.
    We addressed the Forbes issue right away. It was agreed that because of the kiss, and Tasha’s declaration of not knowing who she’d choose, Forbes would have to go. I don’t think it was put that bluntly, but it was obvious to all that that’s what needed to happen.
    Around the beginning of December 2008, I got a phone call from Tasha. She had moved to Gabriola by this time. She wanted to tell me that Forbes had called, and invited her and Frankie and Eden to go skating with him. Are you serious? I asked. She was serious.
    Words can’t really describe the way I felt about this. I mean, WE JUST COVERED THIS IN THERAPY!? Didn’t we? I said it was most certainly NOT all right for her to go skating with Forbes. I still marvel at the naked cruelty and insensitivity of this occurrence.
    I think that 2009 was fairly smooth sailing, in the stormy ship of yore sort of way. I do remember sending Forbes a Facebook message that basically said, “hey, this woman is obviously holding a huge torch for you. Either come back, and be what she wants you to be in her life, or let her move on”.
    He sent me back an impassioned plea, in the form of a letter addressed to both of us stating that he no longer had romantic feelings for her, and that he wanted only friendship. What I really should have noted was Tasha’s response to the letter. Complete silence. Now, I’m a fairly empathic person, and I picked up on something from her end, but at the time, I didn’t know what it was. I do now. Disappointment. She was disappointed that he was no longer interested in her sexually.
    I don’t remember too much from the rest of ’09, but it wasn’t smooth sailing.
    By march of 2010, I was fed up. Four years later, and we hadn’t moved any closer to getting Married, or moving in together. In fact, she’d been evicted from her house because the landlords wanted to move back in, said she wanted to come live with me, and then pulled the plug at the last second. This was the last straw for me. Just after my birthday, I broke up with her. I told her that I’d waited long enough for her to commit, and that I was going to be on my own and do my own life. 3 days later I get a phone call at 3:00 am. She was crying, telling me it hurt so bad it felt like someone had ripped her arm off. She also promised me she was ready to commit. She was ready for marriage. She was ready to live with me. I fell for it, hook, line, and sinker. A month later she pulled the plug again. It was around this time that I began to think of our relationship like that infamous gag in the peanuts comic. You know, where Lucy holds the football for Charlie Brown, and promises that THIS time she’ll let him kick it. For real. Just. trust. me.
    The summer moved on. We struggled along. By this time I was bitter and angry about pretty much everything. Somewhere in the spring or summer of 2010, I severely damaged my leg falling off a ladder at a job I was doing for Peggy and Geoff. I was bed ridden for five days. Tasha’s contribution was to show up a couple of times and have sex with me. Wasn’t too comfortable for me.
    In early November 2010, Tasha began acting funny. She was acting guilty. I was making jokes about her cheating on me. After about a week, I asked her what was going on. She was doing the dishes. She broke down finally and confessed that she had sent Forbes an email. There had been a tsunami in Indonesia. She was concerned. She had promised me that she was done with him early in the year. I told her she had to choose once and for all. Either him or me. I gave her the weekend to think about it. On Monday morning I called her and she promptly dumped me. I was devastated. Then my aunty echo died. Then my van caught fire and burned to the ground. She called me and we talked and basically the message was that we could get back together, but Forbes was back in her life, and I had to be ok with it. I had just spent two weeks devastated. I convinced myself of what she convinced me. Little did I know what was coming.
    She wasn’t the same in the two months that followed. She never put pictures of the two of us back up. I asked her about the pictures, but she said she didn’t know where she put them.
    On February 19th we went to our friend Tina’s birthday party. Forbes was coming to visit the next day. I was not happy about it. We had a good night. Got home late, had sex for hours. I went home that night. She wanted to bring Forbes by when she picked him up the next morning. I in no way wanted to meet the despicable Forbes. Why would I want to meet the man who obviously had no respect for me or my relationship with Tasha at all. So, I got on the ferry that he was getting off. I saw him in the passenger seat of Tasha’s car. She didn’t notice me in the line. They spent the day together. She brought him to my house, and then called me repeatedly all day. Now, I admit that I could have handled that differently, but we all make mistakes. He left in the early evening, and I went over to Tasha’s that night. She was distant.
    I came home to work the next day, and she went off to see magi cooper. I got a text from Tasha that morning. I asked her how her session went. She said hard. I asked her if she was breaking up with me. She said she was. I told her I’d had it with her bullshit and said I wanted to break up. Then I panicked and caught the ferry over. I met her in the lineup. We talked all the way over. She said she needed time to think. I asked her if she was interested in Forbes. She said no, but that she felt like she couldn’t touch him and that disturbed her. She dropped me at the ferry, kissed me goodbye, and told me that she was taking the week to think about things and that she wasn’t going to talk to either Forbes or I in that week. Well, she certainly didn’t talk to me, but Forbes? Well, lets just say that on the next Saturday night, when I was in Victoria trying to show my kids a good time on a trip that was supposed to include Tasha and Frankie and Eden, she was with Forbes at his moms house in ladysmith. While I was with my 11 year old daughter in emergency because she had developed a painful case of strep throat, Tasha was having sexual intercourse with Forbes.
    She broke up with me the next day.
    The next three weeks were the worst of my life. I knew in my heart what was happening between them, but was in such a state of shock that I didn’t want to believe it. Tasha had promised me over and over that she would never sleep with Forbes, and that was what was happening.
    When she broke up with me, she specifically asked that I not contact her. Until I saw a picture on my friend Jason’s facebook of her feet up on a dashboard on the way to whistler, I didn’t contact her. I completely lost it and drove to the bank. She happened to be on her way to lunch. I asked her if she was sleeping with Forbes. She said she wasn’t. She invited me back to her house. We had a conversation where she told me that she didn’t want to be encumbered by my children, that they were going to “get in the way” of her doing things she wanted to do in life. The exact opposite of what she’d been telling me for the previous four years. I was obviously devastated, but she didn’t seem to notice. She said she felt like her life was hers again. She also said she really missed me sexually. This completely threw me off. I didn’t get why she was telling me that. She drove me back to the bank. I didn’t see her again for a while.
    Monday the 21st of march. Day after my birthday. I was in the bath that evening, watching the light of the day disappear, and, after three long horrible weeks of grieving, actually saw light at the end of the tunnel. It was at that moment that the phone rang. It was Tasha. I picked it up. She wanted two things: was there anyway we could be friends, and could I help her fix her iPod. What? I went to her house where she proceeded to fall apart. I asked her again that evening if she’d slept with Forbes. Again, she denied it. The whole evening was very dramatic. Her crying and saying things like “how am I gonna live without you!?” When I had finished reassuring her, she restated that she didn’t want to be with me and sent me on my way.
    We talked on the phone a couple of times that week. The following Monday, she came to my van while I was dropping a friend at the ferry. She reached through my window and hugged me. I was angered. Why wouldn’t she leave me alone? The next day I called her up and asked her to leave me alone. She said she regretted that the last time we had sex was not great. She basically invited me over for sex. Of course I jumped at the opportunity. When I got there she told me that she couldn’t be responsible for my feelings. I was a grown up and it didn’t mean we were getting back together. The sex was phenomenal. Break up sex always is. I didn’t see or hear from her again for four days. Then I got an email saying she wanted to talk. I agreed. She came, we talked, more all night sex.
    I think we were pretty much back together after that. It wasn’t until about three weeks later that she told me the truth about her and Forbes. You see, she’d met new people in Vancouver when she went there for the weekend with him. They’d invited her to a makers faire party. She planned on going. She didn’t invite me. After she told me about her and Forbes and she gave me her passwords for Facebook and email I discovered that she’d tried to friend a friend of Forbes, Leigh christy. She sent him a message and he wrote back saying it would be nice to see her at the party, but he didn’t accept her friend request. So, all the while she was getting back together with me, she was lining up this other man. No wonder she didn’t want me to come to the party. That, and of course how crass would it be to walk into that party with a boyfriend on her arm. They knew she was sleeping with Forbes.

    On Sunday April 24th, I was at Tasha’s house spending the night. It was just the two of us as her kids were spending an extra night with their dad. We had just spent the night having sex. The music stopped, so I went into the living room and picked up her iPod to put on more music. As I was about to put it back, I decided to look at her pictures. There were dozens of pictures of her and Forbes. There was nothing particularly revealing, but I knew in that moment that I had been lied to. I went back into the bedroom, and climbed into bed. She was facing away from me.
    “Did you sleep with Forbes?”
    When she didn’t answer right away, my heart sank. And began pounding. She slowly turned towards me.
    “Yes, I did”
    I felt the blood literally drain out of my face. What transpired over the next few hours was mind-numbing to me. I’ve never been lied to so much in one sitting. It went from one brief interlude, to every time they were together. I eventually put the whole thing together and figured out that they’d actually been together the first time, BEFORE we broke up.
    At this point I left her house, vowing never to speak to her again. That lasted for about two hours.
    One of the hallmarks of being in relationship with a borderline is that you feel like you can’t live without them. Which is why I called her and asked to come over. My friend Jason always said to me, “nick, you can’t fuck away your problems”, well that’s exactly what I tried to do. And Tasha was more than happy to help out.

    I was so scared to go back to that horrible feeling of excruciating pain so I stuck in the relationship. I can’t describe how devastating the next year was. The first few months I cried every day. Every day. I thought being dumped was terrible, but this was a whole different kind of horrible. I told Jason, and he flipped out. He yelled and cried. He told me I was an idiot for having anything to do with her. I was so unhappy. But I felt like I was choosing the lesser of two evils. Either go on with her, or go on without her. Either option was painful, but the thought of going back to the breakup pain I had just endured was far worse.
    I remember driving Anya back to her mothers house one evening shortly after I found out about Tasha and Forbes. We were taking about Tasha and I getting back together. She looked at me and said “dad, she’s not a good person. She treats you badly, but you don’t see it”
    That floored me and really made me think. My 11 year old daughter saw what I couldn’t see. Everyone saw what I couldn’t see.
    My world fell apart for months after that. To know that the person I had love and trusted, the person who was supposed to be my biggest ally, could treat me so badly, was more painful than anything I’ve ever experienced. I cried every day for at least four months.
    Tasha relevantly decided not to attend the makers faire party, and instead we went to a therapy session to discuss the matter with magi cooper. Magi was very helpful in helping us construct a template with which to proceed. Basically, in order to heal a break in trust on the order if magnitude of an infidelity, the guilty party must be 100% honest about anything the hurt party asks. Any questions must be answered completely honestly as anything but, will destroy any progress made. Tasha seemed committed to this course of action. I asked questions. A LOT of them. The main thing I was attempting to figure out was whether or not, during that time when we were broken up, and she was with Forbes, if she had any real feelings of remorse or guilt. If she felt anything for me in that time at all, or if she had just moved on? This plagued me for the entirety of the next year and a half. In fact, right up until my final decision to end the relationship. She had given me the passwords to all her social media accounts, and all forms of electronic communication. And I spent a good deal of time researching her conversations with others at the time. At the same time she was expressing to one friend how much she missed me, she was expressing to another how she wanted to find a “hot geek” and to another about going to millionaires parties and finding a new man there. She was having these conversations WHILE re-engaging me emotionally and sexually, and while continuing with her plan to meet up with Leigh Christie at the makers faire party. Any rational person would’ve at this point realized that he was up against a very devious, and calculating person at worst, or a VERY confused person at best. I was not thinking clearly, obviously.
    About a week after Tasha’s revelation about her and Forbes, she began talking to me about her insecurities around three of my female friends. I told her it was too much for me to handle at that point, as I was still reeling from the discovery of her betrayal. She wouldn’t let it go. In fact, she became angry about it, saying “I don’t feel I’ve ever been heard about this!” In fact, I had heard her, and although it took me some time, I realized that I needed to make some changes in one of those friendships, and did so. That was three years previous. She was bringing it up like it had just happened. This wasn’t any type of indiscretion mind you, but a boundary that I had not understood because of a different upbringing. Nevertheless, Tasha was insistent that we concurrently tackle her insecurities despite my repeated pleas for time, as I was still trying to come to terms with her massive betrayal of me.
    She agreed to get rid of everything to do with her friendship and time with Forbes. It didn’t go very smoothly. I had to get rid of the pictures and videos on her iPod and computer because “I just don’t think about those things”…? Even though I’d been asking her to for days. At one point she sat down in front of her computer and opened a folder that contained pics and videos of an outing with Forbes and his friend where they sailed a remote control boat. She began to cry. I felt bad for her. I asked her why she was crying, assuming that she was feeling guilty about how seeing this was hurting me. I was shocked at her answer “it was so COOL!” She was crying because she didn’t want to get rid of the pics and videos of this “cool” event in her life. She was crying for herself. I was incredulous. How could anyone possibly be so selfish?
    Again, I wanted to believe in her, and that she could grow and change, so I chose to ignore what was right in front of me.
    I began to research how to get over an affair. I did a LOT of reading. I sent her articles. She read one or two, but seemed fairly disinterested in them. She did the damage, I tried to fix it. The ongoing pattern in our relationship.
    There were other things I asked her to do to help me heal in the aftermath of her affair. One was that she get rid of the shoes she was wearing in the picture of her on her way to whistler with Forbes. She maintained that they were her only comfortable pair of flats. I even offered to buy her new shoes. However, she not only kept the shoes and kept wearing them, but she actually wore them to my house on several occasions when she would come over on her lunch break. I was shocked by this.
    During this time I had decided not to tell my close friends and family of what Tasha had done. They were all already highly suspect of her, and I didn’t want any more mill for the grist in that area. I loved her despite everything she’d put me through, and didn’t want my family and friends thinking ill of her. She was also in favor of this course of action. She had cheated on Brian, and left with his children, and there were already many people in the community who had witnessed her conduct in that relationship, and thought very little of her. She was very worried that word would get out and what was already known about her would become cemented by this new information. This meant that instead of leaning on my family and friends, I only had her to lean on. I have to say that she made herself available to me day or night for this purpose. I wonder in retrospect, however, if this was a genuine concern for my well being, or if she was aware that if I didn’t have her to lean on, I’d have to go elsewhere. I’ll never know I guess.
    As I said earlier, I had told my friend Jason about the situation, but when I talked to him about it, he was highly skeptical of Tasha and her motives, so it was unfruitful to say the least. The bottom line is that he didn’t trust her at all. I decided at that point that I needed to be able to talk to someone I was close to about what I was going through. The trouble was that I knew that my friends and family all had an exceptionally low opinion of Tasha already, and I was not able to come up with anyone who wouldn’t have a similar reaction to Jason’s. I turned to a couple of friends who were overseas and far away from the situation. The response at least was tempered by the fact that they were online rather than in person. The gist was the same however: why are you with someone who treats you so poorly. I wasn’t getting anywhere. I felt like I needed support in my decision to stay with Tasha, but all I was getting were clear messages to the contrary. Those who love me had had enough of her poor treatment of me. I was on my own.
    About a month and a half after the revelation of her affair with Forbes, she decided she wanted to go see her favorite hiphop artist, Buck 65, at the Vancouver folk fest. She was determined. I was nervous, as she had been emailing him and he was yet another man she had admitted being attracted to. I went with her. What I witnessed there was both heartbreaking to me, and disturbing.
    We arrived in the evening and met up with him backstage. She was obviously awestruck. He had finished his set, and invited us to tag along with him and his entourage. She eagerly accepted.
    We lost track of him at one point, and Tasha became frantic to find him. After about an hour of looking, I suggested we just enjoy the other music. She turned on me with clenched fists “I JUST WANTED IT TO BE ABOUT ME, HANGING OUT WITH THEM!” She screamed into my face. We then proceeded to spend the rest of the night trying to track down buck 65. We went to his hotel. We spent hours trying to find him. Eventually Tasha admitted defeat, and seemed to come out of her funk.

    • savorydish said

      There does seem to be some signs, most notably a strong fear of abandonment. But you can’t know for sure until she is diagnosed. One thing is for sure, this sounds like an exhausting relationship. One filled with way too much drama. That is enough to end a relationship.

      • Nicholas said

        Thanks savory. For some reason the whole story didn’t make it. She’s trying to contact me again. She’s calling me, and sent me two emails this week asking that I not talk to anyone about our breakup and her treatment of me. She included emails from her ex, the father of her children, who is as disturbed as she is. It’s bizarre. I became horribly depressed after I broke up with her and felt guilty, but now I just feel angry. At her for treating me so poorly, and at myself for staying so long. In the forwarded emails from her ex he mockingly gives her advice on her POF account. I guess this was her passive aggressive way of letting me know she’s moving on. The problem is that the day we broke up, she was all over Facebook saying her heart was broken and garnering all sorts of sympathy from everyone. Like I just dumped her out of the blue for no good reason. So when people have approached me and asked me why, I tell them: she treated me very poorly. Should I not be telling people the truth? I spent six years making excuses for her treatment of me toy friends and family, and I don’t feel like protecting her anymore. If she conducted herself well, she wouldn’t care what I’m telling folks. I don’t care what she tells people. I don’t have anything to feel ashamed of in the way I conducted myself beyond staying far too long. What do you think I should do? I’m not responding to her calls or emails at all. I know how hurtful any contact with her is to me.

      • savorydish said

        I think you have done all the right things already. Just be glad it’s behind you.

      • Sammy C said

        @ Nicholas , And I think @Savory Dish will vouch for me on this one. You have done in your last post what has happened here at the site for me a whole lot. And that is someone put into words just what I want to say and exactly like I feel. And like you I got hurt and was extremely angry but now I know part of the reason why , I was addicted to what I thought was good chemistry , her sex…Like you I stayed to long , no where near as long as you but for this BPD/NPD 4 to 6 months is plenty time for her to do her damage I stayed 7 months…Had she treated me well then even thought she is sick I wouldn’t have spoken one bad word about her , But it was the treatment of me , and then the silent treatment and the smear ing , and the lies , that finally tipped the scale for me..and even now I realize that its wrong to let her roam around and not tell people who and what she is , and the sneaky shit that she is about, So I feel you man.

        Sammy C

      • Nicholas said

        Hi Nicholas, i was 4,5 years with a bpd and it took me over a year too get over all the pain and sudden rejection, we also have a child together whom i give all my love too as we all know a borderliner only loves themself. I see her often and now just feel sorry for her as she has a new boyfriend who she has also cheated on. I now one day she will recieve the rewards of her cheating and lying, but i have progressed as i know it is a sickness so we should not get angry at them anymore but pray and be there for them. They are really sick and when we get over our heartbreak we should see it that way. You have too move on buddy

  75. Gillian said

    Please help me understand , I am married to what I think is a boarderline and I would appreciate some more of your knowledge
    Thanks Gillian

  76. Gillian said

    Hi Savorydish
    Thanks for getting back , I have been married for 36 years 3 grown up children and I have suspected for about 2 year for sure that my husband suffers from bpd , he has not been diagnosed as he states it is me who has the problem. I think I possibly noticed his acting out about 7 years ago , I have read up on the condition for quite some time now , He has said some horrible things to me , Just an example he has been off work with shingles for the past 3 weeks , this means he has been on his own, and I have been using the car to get back and forth to work, He text me to say that he wanted his car back, I was traveling back from work when he text ,after the first text demanding the car back , I asked him not text me in that tone and would he please stop texting me , I received 5 more text after that saying the same thing , he then text me back to say I will stop texting you when you bring my car back then stating he was quite happy to sever every link he ever had with me and never communicate with me again.
    He gives me the silent treatment and seems to up the anti on nasty comments on each time we have words .Today I decided to take the car into town as he was doing something different in the home once again he did not want me to have use of the car , I had seen no problem as he was not using it so just before I walked out the door he said he hoped i get a brain tumor. He has obviously split me black. I have told him that I think he is suffering from bpd. on lots of occations I have found out that he lies to my kids about me , I feel he is trying to turn our children against me , I think the kids think its me who is the problem. He keeps shutting the door behind me when I go out of the room , and I think this is saying you dont matter and your out of my life . I have tried to tell our children that I think there is something not quite right , We were on holiday and in a restaurant and we had contacted our oldest son as my husband wanted to talk to him in the midst of the conversation he made reference to our oldest son that I had tried to cause trouble accusing him of misplacing an item previously and this took place when we were in a restaurant , out for the night , you just dont try to cause trouble like that against you to a third party when your sitting there. I had to pull him up on it and he went in a sulk when I said stop trying to cause trouble. Sorry for the spelling , I have so many questions its unreal. With comments like he is quite happy to sever every link with me , has he gone for good? I am sorry I have babbled on and just been able to spit out 1 question.
    Thanks Gillian

    • savorydish said

      Hey Gillian,

      I’m not a mental health professional, so I can’t give you an official diagnosis. But judging by your stories, his behavior does sound pathological. Enough for me to suggest that you stay away from this guy. Is he gone for good? With borderlines you never know. If you share a long history and kids, there might be that possibility. Do what you can to prevent him from coming back into your life.

  77. Gillian said

    Hi savorydish
    Thanks for your reply
    Do you think that if the bpd knows you know they possibly have this disorder even through they dont think they are suffering from bpd do you think that is game over, I know they have to be seen as perfect which is the false self , If they know we know would it make it impossible for them to continue with us , do you think they would act out more? He does not seem to care. I think if it were two nomal people and they were gong through a break up they would both see there part in the breakup and come to some closure but he does not seem to recognise this . Its as if I dont exist. The worst thing about this I dont have my daughter anymore and I think he has got to her, she stated that we either get back together or we split up but she will not have a relationship with me as she blames me for all this mess and I have tried to tell her what I think is happening as I have done with the lads but they arnt able to see the disorder as he is fine with them , he would do anything for them but me its like I have left him on the road side to die . I am still split black I think it has been about 4 weeks now and there did at one point seem to be a window where I had asked him a question about what made him stop speaking , he said he did not know what caused it , you dont stop speaking to someone for 4 weeks and not know what it was over , thats whats so confusing about this disorder you never know whats going to trigger it off. The other night he said he wished I had a brain tumor and die a slow horrible death, And this was for doing nothing. How could someone display so much hate for one person , and I have done nothing wrong. I have watched him and its like he has to have some exitment in his life and if there is nothing going on he will creat either with me or try to get the kids against somebody else and at the moment it is me.
    Thanks for listening , I sometimes feel as if I am going mad!

    Thanks Gillian
    ps I think you seem to have a good grounding when it comes to this sad disorder and I value you opinion and comments . The sad thing about this I though I had a friend for life , I thought we would grow old together, I thought he loved me but how could he when he states such horrible things to me . and the children have no idea to what level it has got to . I have even felt like placing some covert cameras to catch him when he is being abusive . why do they do this to you the once that would have been there best friend in all the world , I just dont know , I have had to watch my heart be killed off little by little until there is just a faint hearbeat for him, I am not even able to cry at what I have lost . My only daughter not even wanting to speak to me and I have asked her many times why she is being like this but she seems to think its me who is causing all of this , if only they would listen and read what I know but they are not interested and you can almost see his smerk when they are getting at me and blaming me for our troubles when he is sitting their , I could honistly screem at how wrong they have got it but somewhere along the way he has convinced them that it is me.

    value your comments Savorydish
    Thanks Gillian

    • savorydish said

      I’m so sorry to hear about your daughter. The smear campaign is abusive behavior at its worst. They are carving out the ones who mean the most to you. He knows it will cause you pain and still he does it. It’s horrible.

      I don’t know what you can do. You can try to tell your daughter about BPD, but it sounds like she is in denial as well. All you can really do is focus on healing yourself and distance yourself from the drama. You need clarity right now and room to breathe. The marriage is not worth saving. Save yourself.

      • Gillian said

        Thanks as always for your insight and wisdom Savorydish !!!!
        Till the next time

        Gillian

      • Dutched said

        Hi Gillian / SavoryDish,
        Sorry to hear about another “copy” of my life again. Again a family for life destroyed. I was with her 30yrs plus, the love of my life, have 2 grown up kids
        With the more stable ones (High Functioning) it is a process of years. Look back and see how it got worse. Outbursts, blaming, gas lighting and pulling their partners self esteem down with emotional blackmail.
        YOU/WE are the course, although we love our partner intensively. Years we don’t recognize it, just quarrels between partners, however ones that get more intense and in my case even with physical abuse. Slowly putting you down, getting control over you (!) Silence and love again… until their next eruption (not going out for a walk with her, so reason to break up our marriage…).
        Kids are their exclusive love-objects for them: “The kids? I decide as you are not capable of being a good father!” (a bullet deep into your soul!)
        In my case 30yrs. plus was over in “a blink of an eye”! The day before a nice walk and chat and holding hands. At D-day (now 2 yrs. ago) after 1 remark she blew it up. “I can’t stand it anymore, it’s always the same, I am temporarily leaving for my rest! AND the kids come with me!!!” Temporarily meant… permanent, a divorce.

        So back to you, telling from my experience.
        You are split black, they HAVE to protect themselves against their pain, a primitive coping mechanism in which YOU are the one to blame. There is absolutely NO point to talk to them! Please don’t try, it will hurt YOU again and again!! In that stage they transforming emotions into their new reality, into their facts, you can’t alter that.
        As I understand you are already separated, that makes it worse. A BPD flees for their intense emotions, gone means the world is their playing field now, that grass is so green, despite their sorrow.
        Go in no-contact for YOUR wellbeing, although you go trough hell! Set your boundaries! IF contact, then only brief, to the point, even telling that it is not convenient at the moment (shopping, appointment, etc!), nothing about your well being, please.
        About your daughter. Yes I know that pain also. Since the split I have seen her about 5 times, blaming me also (she lives with her mother), even passed me within 1 meter as if I was dead! Years they were told “stories” about us, our misbehaviour. Second, keep in mind that she is in a very difficult position. She went, blaming you and now (in her mind) she must be disloyal to her father? Only contacting you will have the effect of choosing against her father (what will father say/think about me)
        My daughter mailed me (after I invited her for a drink in a neutral place) “ I rather live with deep grieve by not seeing you, than to grieve when you can’t fulfil my expectations”. Yes, hard into my soul again, words of a real narcissist… No, as explained by a specialized “cluster-B” psychiatrist, a cry for help only.
        So let her know you are there, only. Mail her about “nothing”. Sent that card with Christmas, etc. but never mention her father. I only hope to see my daughter one day again, my son is helping but without results till now.
        I hope my comment was of any help.

      • Dutched said

        As an addendum on my post below: Their behaviour can be “predicted” somehow. If he did this before (outburst and leaving physically) he won’t come back (my wife did in when she was 18 and left in an emotional outburst her parents/family, not having contact for 9 years). So 2nd time for her now after many times threatening to do so. If this is his 1st time (and try to get info about his past about it) you may, may, have a chance he will come back (let him come towards you by holding onto no-contact). And I really understand why you want him back (deep inside me I still want her back). But please consider your options. Again such a break-up, a live long in a rollercoaster again? If you want to continue, please learn and read as much as you can to protect yourself.

  78. Gillian said

    Hi Savorydish
    Thanks once again for your insight !!
    I will post again
    Thanks Gillian

    • Gillian said

      Hi Savorydish

      We both still live in the same house and my only way of going no contact is exactly what he is doing to me but in our case he initiated the no contact by splitting. So it’s like stalemate but I have more to loose as he has the control , he has contact with the boys , it seems that my daughter is putting the pressure on me holding me responsible for all of this by no contact herself , I have text her to ask if she is doing the same with her farther but once again no response , it seems unusual that she had a case to return to me and she had a day off work her farther was off work as well , I don’t think she would have returned the case to our house without saying nothing to him , so when I text her to say was she applying the same no contact I suspect it’s just only for me and I have explained to her she should treat me as an individual . But as yet still no contact , in the past I have asked her what I have done to her she states I have brought misery to her but I suspect he has transferred onto her what his feeling and thoughts have been on our issues . I believe bpd,s control I think by is it proxy and stelth abuse .
      Thanks Gillian

    • savorydish said

      You’re welcome, Gillian.

  79. GF789 said

    Hi Savorydish. First of all I just want to say this is an amazing blog, the replies from Savorydish are very articulate and demonstrates an enduring and really tough experience. After reading some of the stories here I feel like that I can completely identify with what happened to me as well. This is not as bad as some of the things I’ve been reading here but I suspect my ex-girlfriend to have BPD. This is the story about 3 people actually, Hollie (the girl I was with for a few months), Pete (her ex-boyfriend….or now current boyfriend) and myself.

    Hollie decided to end her 4 year relationship with Pete about 2 months
    ago. Then, Hollie and I became close friends as time went on, we then
    inevitably expressed feelings we had for each other and started going out. 2 months
    later she completely changed one day and felt guilty for hurting Pete and
    decided to end it with me, being very nasty about it. After suddenly
    changing her personality completely, she claimed that I used her while
    she was vulnerable, which is absolute rubbish. During our relationship, she
    gave me all the signs that she wasn’t interested with him anymore, she very
    clearly said on numerous occasions that she was now free and happy to
    have him out of her life. She encouraged the relationship with me if anything,
    she expressed a lot of feelings and relief that Pete was no longer in her
    life. With such thoughts, I wouldn’t think for a second she may regret
    leaving him or feeling bad about it. So I went along with it. Even during
    that time I thought she was being very harsh with him to be honest.
    I think to some extent she wanted something different and decided to go
    for me. I know how this sounds but it’s really how I see it when looking
    back. She kept pursuing me, whilst I was remaining a little detached, she was
    highly motivated to win me and when she did, she became disinterested and
    then had to find some mad reasons to justify it. It seems to me that when
    things don’t go right for her she will blame it on others, she blamed Pete
    for so many things and then blamed me all the same. It’s something that I honestly
    didn’t think she was capable of doing, hurting others, as she usually is
    very thoughtful and caring in general. One thing that also has had an impact on her way of thinking is that she has a mental condition. She was diagnosed manic depressive not long ago, so
    it’s very difficult to make sense of it all. But I do believe it’s also BPD. People with mental problems don’t act rationally so you can’t always find logic in what they do. It will be
    impossible for me to find answers. They live in a different world. While
    she was having occasional anxiety attacks I was there to support her and always tried
    to ask her what she thought was maybe causing them. She denies me even
    showing an interest or understanding it.

    Anyway, there was no way on this earth I could’ve known she would change
    her mind one day, if I had doubts I would’ve mentioned something because I
    certainly wouldn’t want to hurt Pete’s feelings and make things worse.
    She very clearly wanted to have a relationship with me, and I never took
    advantage as she claims. But what is done is done. It’s such a shame because I really liked her as a
    friend and I wish it never went beyond that now. So now I’ve been trying
    to forget it and move on but it’s harder than I thought. I just wish she could
    see things differently and not just think that I was some kind of evil
    imposer that took advantage, that is what gets to me the most, it is so
    utterly untrue! Her condition may very well suggest why she reacted so
    outrageously this way, but like I said it seems she can very easily blame
    others when things don’t go right for her. It’s also like seeing things
    in black & white only, or like you are right and everybody else is wrong.

    Maybe you see my point? But maybe I missed something. Either way I don’t
    know who else to talk to about it as I’m still trying to make sense of it
    all. If I did something wrong, or made a mistake, or didn’t analyze
    something correctly, it would be good to know for a piece of mind, she’s
    really made me feel guilty and was REALLY harsh about it. So any truthful
    points would help because I feel lost and depressed about it.

    I am now feeling like the scapegoat. I am absolutely certain she is now portraying herself as a victim and that this whole thing was my fault. Outrageous behavior! I honestly don’t recognize her anymore.

    Does she have BPD?

    Thanks for reading
    Gary

    • Nicholas said

      Hey dude,

      It sounds to me like you were classically played, and it also sounds like this woman has BPD traits, but what’s more important is how you conducted yourself in all this mess. In general, having designs on someone while they’re with someone else, is never a good idea. You basically painted a target on yourself and then jumped up and down trying to get yourself shot (sorry for the bad analogy) it sounds like you have some rescuing dynamic within you too. I have this as well, and let me assure you, it NEVER works out the way you want it to. A mature relationship requires two mature adults, and if there’s a rescuer and a rescuee, neither are mature adults.
      I’m two months out of a version of your story except it went on for six years (my story is above). My ex is on plenty of fish desperately looking for someone to fill the void within her. I love her still, but you know what? It’s NOT my job to save her from herself, it’s hers. She’ll either figure it out or she won’t. My job is to understand what’s missing within me that led me to stay with someone who treated me very poorly. That’s your job too, and the only way you’re going to heal and learn from all this is to turn away from trying to save her, and towards saving yourself. It does get better and easier no matter how terrible you feel right now. Trust me, I’m doing so much better than I was even a week ago. In fact, finding out she was on POF helped hugely. It allowed me to finally accept the truth of who she is, and where she’s at in her life, and I’m really happy I’m finally seeing the truth of her instead of the pretty picture I hung on her and saw instead.
      Good luck with everything. I really hope you find your way through this that leads to a healthier happier you.

      • GF789 said

        Hi Nicholas. Thanks for reply! Glad to know you’re recovering and understanding what happened to you. The healing process is surely based only on understanding and knowing what they are like and why they do what they do. There is no room for pity with the way they treat us. Sorry to use “They” like that but “They” are simply from another intergalactic world. Just to say though, she ended the relationship with Pete before being with me, so she wasn’t still with him while I was with her, just so thats clear. It’s just incredible how she was speaking against him so much while I was with her (she kind of turned me against him in some way). Then changes her mind and speaks against me to him. You are absolutely right when you say I was classicaly played. It’s funny I honestly didn’t think she had it in her to be this nasty, but it made me see what was underneath the mask at least. Always projects herself as a kind of very sweet and spiritual person (yes, she is into yoga and other things), she’s also vegan etc.
        But really, there’s something else going inside which means that after all this she’s fundamentaly not a very nice person at all. The classic thing is also people not understanding whats happened, they say it was just defense mechanism and that she has issues. Well, that simply will not do haha! It’s way too vague and careless, there’s far more to it than that. Anyway, I am feeling better and just reading this blog is quite therapeutic to say the least. I just hate to think she’s turned a few people against me now thanks to her evil distorted version of what happened, I can either face the music someday or just leave it. But we do all live in the same town so bumping into each other is pretty much inevitable.

    • savorydish said

      Thanks for the compliments, GF.

      I’m not really in a position to diagnose this girl. But it sounds like she is projecting her own guilt onto you. Borderline women (especially ones with histrionic tendencies) will often play two men against each other. It feeds their ego and it provides coverage if one should abandon her. Do not play this game. If she can’t make up her mind, then make up yours. Say no to drama.

      • GF789 said

        Hi Savorydish. Thanks for the reply! It does sound like doesn’t it? I have now also learned a bit more about Histrionic disorder (didn’t know that one before) and my god it really fits her so well in so many ways. The fear of abandonment I believe has a huge part on her sudden insane decision to completey split me black as well. I tried texting her al the details of what happened in the most diplomatic (not one sided) way possible 2 weeks ago but no reply, obviously no surprise there. I guess she knows it but is only interested in her own version of events. Thanks again for your answer and have a good day!

      • savorydish said

        You’re welcome.

        Histrionic women are very good revisionist. I theorize that all histrionic women were BP at one time. But then they evolved into a personality that is very good at covering up the disease. Master denialists.

  80. Omar said

    I must say these comments have helped me alot over last several months this is my first time commenting. Well my ex fits the borderline criteria to a T. Before i get into the meat of my story alot of pol forget to say how hypocritical these women can be i guess some may say projection instead. Here’s some of my story My Ex and I dated for almost 2 years In the beginning i was messed up almost homeless with no job on the other side of the country within weeks IM living with her part time and a shelter. It was great in the beginning…sex was greatthe first we chilled we actually

  81. jay said

    hello, this is actually copied and pasted from an email i sent to myself like some sort of journal. this was from a couple months ago so since then i’ve been studying a lot about a number of personality disorders as well as alcoholism. i’m doing slightly better now having more knowledge of these conditions.

    not long ago, there was a woman who came into my life and captured my heart.
    she was brilliant and beautiful. passionate, affectionate and sensuous.
    i felt that we shared a profound rapport. we shared many common interests and enjoyed many unforgettable experiences.
    but we were also from very different backgrounds and upbringings. she was traumatized and incredibly troubled.
    i desperately wanted to help her and protect her. i wanted to give her the world. we desperately tried to hide our problems and emotional issues from each other.
    i fell so in love with her that i became terrified of losing her.

    cut to the chase, she was a damaged person and so was i for that matter. but the way she chose to cope with her pain was with massive amounts of hard alcohol.

    meeting this woman was one of the greatest things that ever happened to me. she was a person who forever changed my life.
    i knew i was crazy about her almost immediately. i wanted to take it as slow as possible but it turns out, my self control leaves much to be desired.
    we hit it off so well. sparks were flying in every direction. i was playing my cards so well at first that our friendly internet relationship rapidly exploded into an intense whirlwind romance.

    she showed up to my neighborhood in her car reeking of whiskey. definitely a giant red flag but she gave me a great big hug and a kiss and i could not resist her.
    i laid all my cards on the table almost right off the bat. i showed her my best music and video clips right away.

    she spent the night, went home and came back later the next day. i knew that my friends were wise when they told me to play it cool, be mysterious, don’t rush things etc.
    but i just could not help myself. she turned me on like i had never been turned on in my whole life. she drove me wild.
    i told her i loved her in less than two weeks after meeting her. this is when everything turned upside down.
    i don’t know weather i scared her or she lost respect for me but our relationship became extremely chaotic.

    the only subject we would ever argue or fight over was the status or direction of our relationship. in short, i wanted to us to live happily ever after.
    following these arguments, i would always desperately try to patch things up and resolve our differences. her response was often telling me to not contact her anymore.

    there were a few times that she came back sincerely apologizing to me for having to deal with her issues. one time crying hysterically.

    i went on a trip to visit a good friend in tokyo and we would talk to each other on skype video calls for several hours a day.
    at one point, she opened up to me that she in fact did care for me and wanted to be with me.

    i had an incredible, unforgettable trip but i could not wait to get home and be close to her.
    she picked me up at the airport and brought me flowers. we made food. we looked at pictures from my trip. i handed out gifts i brought back.
    we snuck off into my bedroom and just screwed like a couple of wild animals for hours. it was the greatest day of my life..
    until another good friend of mine showed up drunk; beyond loud and obnoxious.

    the next day she told me she did not want to see me anymore and i could not believe it.

    she came back and left a few times since then but it now seems like she is really gone for good.
    a short time after the fall semester began, i started calling her to simply say – how are you? how was school? which was a little odd because during the summer when she had free time, she was the one calling me most of the time just to talk and say i miss you etc.

    but now, she had her hands full with school and work. she did not answer or return any of my calls or messages.
    i became anxious and frustrated. i forwarded her an email from my closest friend in which he gave a rather bleak assessment of our situation. i cannot say with 100% certainty how this made her feel but it all came to a head when she came to my house under the pretense of giving me the remote control for a very nice stereo that she gave me for my birthday a few weeks earlier. until this point, the remote had been a subject of levity. that i forgot to remind her to bring it on purpose.

    what ensued was a devastating fight where i did not stand a chance. my words were used against me. my logic and reason was used against me.
    even my compassion and concerns backfired. all i wanted to do was hug her. i had been missing her so much.
    but now.. now it feels as though there is this great empty space in my heart; in my life where she used to be.

    so i fight against reality. i attempt to bargain with any deities that will listen. i kick myself repeatedly. i cannot accept the loss of someone so special to me.
    in futility, i try to reach out olive branches. it seams that this only pushes her further away.

    so my good friends and members of my family try to convince me to move on and forget about her for my own sake.
    they do not realize that forgetting about her is impossible.

    now our lives have begun new chapters. i have a lot to be grateful for but i feel as though i am lost.
    i am unable to enjoy many of the activities and experiences that i used to.

    i can only find relief in mindless distractions.
    i am tormented by what has become of what was once a wonderful relationship.

    i have become shut out and blocked off from the woman i love as it is her tendency to effectively erase people from her life who represent certain difficulties to her.

    -thats the end of that email but if i could add more about her specifically; she experienced every kind of abuse from a very young age. verbal, physical, emotional, sexual and later substance. within the first day we met in person she told me of some experiences so horrifying that there were probably even some repressed memories related to those stories.
    some would later say, she was sabotaging the relationship from the start. i told her the day before we met in person, we all have our problems, baggage and issues. we are all damaged goods. and at times we all think our burden is the heaviest.
    she said if you are damaged then i am beyond repair.
    she never denied that she was severely messed up. in fact, she was already in therapy before i met her. but i don’t know weather she was being treated for BPD or what. i have since been told by several professionals that she is likely dealing with post traumatic stress disorder as well as BPD and she needs to look into dialectical behavioral treatment.

    so here is where it is complicated. she’s 33, still lives with her parents in the same toxic environment that caused her these heartbreaking conditions and nobody in that house speaks to each other. she was likely abused by more than one family member and has been told her mother is ocd and her father also has BPD.

    she has told me she has had long term abusive relationships.
    she was beaten and raped. and spent some time having casual sex with complete strangers at bars.

    during the time that i have known her, she drinks an entire bottle (usually either a fifth or a liter) of jack daniels by herself every day… and also drives. a high functioning alcoholic as they are known. the thing is, she’s not a mean or a bad drunk..
    if anything, she goes into a mode of self pity, self loathing and self deprecation. saying “i’m all alone. i have no one. nobody cares about me.” its absolutely heartbreaking.

    from what i now know, the earlier a child is molested or traumatized, the more severe the damage.

    the BP is completely self absorbed, self centered, selfish and self destructive. they are incapable of trusting. they are emotionally children trapped in adult bodies. they create self fulfilling prophesies out of extreme fear of abandonment, shame, guilt, and self contempt in order to sabotage relationships. a primitive defense and coping mechanism.

    and then, it’s on to the next sucker. someone in another blog said “a monkey never lets go of a branch until it is certain it can grab another one”.

    to the uneducated, these people who act as though they are victims and in fact, truly are victims of terrible abuse, appear to be terrifying succubi/incubi, or soul sucking emotional vampires.

    the people they hurt are scarred forever and have every reason to be angry but in a way, it is misplaced anger as the BPD is like a starving, scared, stray animal.
    people who fall in love with a BP want to do everything they can to help them but this is one of the most difficult afflictions to deal with and the result is always excruciating pain.

    this blog particularly seems to have dealt with a mostly ‘non’ perspective. i wouldn’t say anything anyone said was wrong.

    i remember there was a blog i was reading recently where the majority of the people posting were BPs. i felt bad because a lot of people were (over)reacting as offended and insulted by what other people were saying as a result of their guilt, shame, self loathing or denial. it was like a giant clusterf— of PMS which i might have found hilarious if it wasn’t also so heartbreaking.

    that brings me to another point. to confront someone with the notion that you believe they are dealing with BPD, even by a diagnosis can be an extremely difficult situation. even if that person is very aware that they are not well. the result will often be an explosion of rage and to paint everything and everyone black.

    the BP see’s everything in only black or white with no grey areas. but for the most part. they see all the world, especially themselves through a negative lens.

    i know many of us have been affected by these poor souls.
    we feel we are victims of their selfish, careless, manipulation, betrayal and treachery. but none of us can imagine the constant pain and hell the BP deals with incessantly every minute of every day.

    some of them will say on other blogs that they do in fact feel love but they don’t know how to deal with it. all they understand is abuse. so its actually easier for them to remain in abusive relationships. their comfort zone is actually pain and misery.
    they feel like the devil they know is better than the devil they don’t know.

    i know that personally, i do not want to label anyone as a lost cause. after all, we love these troubled people dearly. but once a BP has cut you off and split you black, there’s really nothing left you can do.
    it’s ultimately their demons, their decisions, their fight and their destiny.

    i have not known of these conditions for a very long time but i am fortunate to know several experts in the field of psychology.

    there are a couple books i haven’t had the chance to read yet but i have seen them mentioned on other blogs. one is called
    ‘walking on eggshells’ and the other is called
    ‘i hate you! don’t leave me!’

    hope my story is at least a little bit helpful to some of you.
    i know these experiences leave us feeling helpless and heartbroken.

    thank you to SD and everyone who has posted. i actually read this whole page. feel free to ask me whatever you like and good luck to everyone! PEACE!!!!

  82. jay said

    i’ve recently found this other blog to be extremely helpful.
    many questions are addressed. i found the ‘AT ANY COST’ and the section about waifs to be particularly helpful.
    check it out:

    http://gettinbetter.com/borderline4.html

  83. Jim said

    Much of what i’ve read resonates so profoundly with what i experienced with my ex. I’m just over 6 months out of a relationship with a girl i suspect of having BPD.

    We were together for almost 3 years. The relationship developed extremely fast, within a couple of weeks Anna was telling me how she loved me and how i was the best boyfriend she had ever had. I was drawn to her as she told me about the awful childhood she had where her father was abusive to her and her mother, always belittling her mother to the point she attempted suicide. Anna’s dad left the family when she was around 10 and he had litle to do with her, instead getting with another woman and Anna would see him lavish attention upon her family whilst she, her mother and half-brother would struggle to make ends meet as he never made any maintenance payments. Her dad has now since moved abroad and occassionally sends an email of a photo of himself with his new partner to her and never asks how she is. His father abused him as he was a former PoW which seriously affected his mental health

    Anna always told me that she had been a victim of her previous partners who treated her badly, and so i made a point of being the best i could be.

    That was until she statrted finding faults with every little thing i did. I’d coook a meal, but for not using organic chicken, she refused to eat it. She would then give me the silent treatment which would last for days, bringing up the disagreement several days later. She would constantly criticise my driving and if i made a remark back, would sulk and ignore me for most of the day. She was extremely passive-aggressive with me, never raging but always quietly simmering.

    Anna regards herself as a very spiritual person and practices crystal healing and takes flower essences for ailments. I accepted her for this despite believing in more conventional medicine. Anna would criticise me for taking paracetamol for headaches and accuse me of not loving her if i didn’t take the essences or place a crystal under my bed at night.

    She has few close friends, but those that she does associate with all appear to have had a troubled past, either abused as kids or suffering with Mental Health problems

    Anna had two cats that she doted upon and showered with affection, but no matter what i did, her feelings towards me seemed to pale in comparison.

    I always paid for everything, holidays, bought her a car and once, when she had fallen out with me for standing on a snai l accidentally! said she was still stressed as a result of what i did and damaged the car. She said it was my fault and i paid for the repair.

    Anna threw me out of her flat on 3 occassions before our final split. She accused me of having problems with rejection, being needy, having unstabe moods and said i needed to seek help.

    I saw a councellor who told me repeatedly that there was nothing wrong with me and she had projected all of her issues onto me.

    I begged to go back to her, which she allowed me to do on the condition that i started going to yoga with her and allowed her to do crystal healing on me. I was so desperate to make the relationship work i tried this for a number of weeks. But even in Yoga, if she struggled with a pose, she would accuse me of not caring enough about her.

    Throughout the relationship i was constantly blamed and criticised for every disagreement. I would try and rationalise and see her point of view, but she refused to ever accept she was wrong.

    The morning we broke up, Anna got out of bed and sat in the room. As normal she seemed extremely withdrawn with dark circles around her eyes. I racked my brains thinking of what i’d done wrong this time. She told me ‘YOU SHOULD KNOW WHAT’S WRONG’ when i said frustratedly ‘I’VE NO IDEA, TELL ME’ she explained that she worries about her grandma?? Randomly saying this and that she could not put up with someone any longer that doesnt undertstand her.

    The next thing i know i’m thrown out for the final time. I received a few texts after that stating she never felt loved and i could only show my love through buying her things and doing the dishes. (It was Anna’s flat but i regularly helped her out with her cleaning washing cooking etc and was always showering her with gifts after her stories about how awful her exes were to her)She told me that i should learn to meditate as it is the only way i can move on. Anna would meditate every morning and every evening before bed.

    Since then i have seen Anna a couple of times at the gym we both still go to. When i spoke to her the second time, she told me to ‘GO AWAY’ and when i asked why she was being that way, she was full of hate and venom, i had never seen her that way before, again blaming me for the relationship ending me, saying i had all of these problems.For the first time I suggested she may have BPD and she instead continued to try and say i was the unstable one. She also appeared back on facebook after a 2 yr absence and unfriended me. I blocked her as i did not want to see any updated profile pics with the imminenet new men in her life.

    We also went through an abortion just a year after being together. It was mutually agreed upon, but Anna, when i last saw her, now blames me for this saying she would have been so happy but i forced her to make the decision. She told me how she didn’t fancy me anymore and i needed to move on and get over her, all from trying to be friendly to her. This was all said in November last year, but it still plays on my mind. The councillor saw us briefly for couples conselling and then me alone when the relationship failed. The councillor told me she could see that Anna was very damaged and i should think myself lucky every day that i don’t hear from her. Yet i find it so hard as i fell in love with her, but never felt that she really loved me back.

    Anna even caught an STD which she gave to me, blaming me for causing it because being with her made her stressed!

    After enduring so much blame and criticism and taking repsonsibility for anything that went wrong, i’ve become a shadow of my former self. I so much wanted to help and protect her as she comes across as extremely sweet and delicate, but inside i think she has a heart of stone and the only person she ever seemed to care about was herself 😦

  84. Matt said

    Hi My suspected BPD ex gf broke up with me out of the blue about a month ago.
    To start off we met online about 3 years ago the first night we met she stayed the night and moved in with me ever since then, she played the victim saying her mum caught her cutting her wrists after stuff was being said about her in her home town, she got sent to live with family friends and that is where I met her.
    She came on strong to start off with sending me songs she sang for me saying she loves me in the first 2 weeks I felt like I was on top of the world. But eventually I began to seem signs she was unstable she said she thought our house was haunted and rang me while I was at work crying thinking she heard noises upstairs and the dining room chairs had turned around by themself. She got a dog that I wasn’t aware if but yet I work away and me and her grew attached to the dog got her when she was a puppy. She was such a hypochondriac, always sore somewhere or feeling sick, she went for a night out with friends and she made a scene where she thought she was drugged and made a big scence so her friends had to take her home and making fun if her for being a drama queen. She pressured me into getting engaged, she would sleep into 11am every morning and had no motivation to do anything. She couldn’t keep friends and lost 4 jobs the time I was with her.
    A week before we broke up she was saying we should get another puppy always saying how much she loves me even a day before she broke up with me.
    Then I get a txt at 1am saying she doesn’t love me anymore, and wants to break up I was heartbroken and devastated, then the next day she calls the cops for an escort to pick up all her stuff from the house, I have never abused her or anything, I supported her treated her like a princess. Now she’s texting me asking for money and saying she has never been happier and found a new bf.
    I need help trying to understand if she really is happy and if these are signs if BPD
    Thanks

    • savorydish said

      Hi Matt,
      I can’t diagnose your ex, but you seem to have a pretty good grasp of what is wrong with her. She definitely bears a striking resemblance to BPD. So now is the time to ask why you are loaning her money and texting with her. Her happiness should not affect yours.

    • Nicholas said

      Happy people don’t treat others the way your ex is treating you. Ever. Be grateful you’re out of it, cut off all contact, and go through the grief process. You’ll see clearly in time. This is NOT about you, or some failing on your part. Think about the fact that she can’t keep friends or jobs. MASSIVE red flags there buddy. You’re worth more than this shitty treatment, and if you stay strong, don’t rush in to another relationship too quickly, and give yourself time to heal, you’ll find a woman capable of loving you back.

  85. Nicholas said

    Hi all,

    I posted here about a month or so ago I think.
    Wanted to update you all on my situation.

    This is terrible, but I’m still laughing every time I think of it. Last night I went on Instagram, and on a hunch, checked out the exes feed. She’s been seeing this guy she met for a little over a month. We’ve been broken up for three. She posted a picture of her wrist, with a red string tied around it. The caption reads “bound by love”.
    Up until now I’ve been having a hard time with her new “relationship”. I’m not surprised she’s in one, mind you, but it still stung. But somehow, when I saw that picture, I had this eureka moment. Everything became Crystal clear, and then I started laughing, and couldn’t stop. At one point I stopped myself and said aloud “I wonder if I’m laughing because I really want to cry?” But when I tried to cry I just ended up laughing again. Hard. It was at that exact moment that I realized I had been trying to have a mature relationship with a 13 year old. And I HAVE a 13 year old daughter who’s far more mature than my ex. In fact, she called Tasha’s schtick when she was only 11. “Dad, she’s not a good person. She treats you like crap, but you don’t see it”
    Whenever I have one of those a-ha moments and feel clarity and elation, it’s usually followed by a hard time. So before I went to sleep last night I said to myself “ok, don’t get too excited, see how you feel in the morning”. Well, I woke up feeling pretty good, and then I remembered the picture. And I started laughing.
    This past three months has been super hard, even though I’m the one who ended things. I actually loved her, so that’s to be expected. But the way she’s conducted herself since the breakup has only confirmed that I made the right decision. The funny thing is that after I was done laughing last night, and I had turned off the light to go to sleep, I was hit with the most compelling feeling of compassion for her. I realized that in spite of the way she’s treated me and every other man in her life, she’s actually in deep pain. She has to be. It’s so sad. And that’s where we should all come from if we can, because these people are more deeply damaged than you or I can possibly fathom. It doesn’t mean stay away from them, but have sympathy for them if you can. We tried to love them, and they couldn’t accept it. We’ll heal and go on wiser, more mature and discerning and find someone with depth to love. They won’t. They’ll just repeat this immature pattern until their looks fade, and men aren’t interested anymore. It really is so sad.

  86. jay said

    …matt, idk if it makes you feel better or worse, but i assure you, she is not happy. not even anywhere close to happy. it’s all an act of extreme manipulation and seduction. it is in our nature to want to help these poor suffering people, but they truly are a sinking ship. BPD is one of the most heartbreaking conditions people have ever known. experienced psychologists will tell you that this type of personality is one of the most difficult if not THE most difficult personality to deal with. to have any kind of a relationship, let alone a healthy romantic relationship with someone like this is extremely difficult if not impossible.
    when recommended to other psychologists, the therapist will often express feelings like ‘omg no! give me a psychotic! give me a schizophrenic! anything but a BPD!!’
    you truly are fighting a losing battle here. you can give them all the love and kindness that you possibly can but they will just devour it all like a super massive black hole.
    when they are finished with you, they will cut you off like a second nature telling you stuff like ‘don’t contact me anymore’ ‘go away’
    ‘don’t ever call me again’ etc. they will tell you that they treated you more than fairly and blame everything on you. and then they move right on to the next sucker. rebounds are extremely common with a BP. infidelity and affairs are just as common.
    these are grown people that are emotionally children. they have experienced so much absolutely horrifying abuse from a very young age so that their emotional growth remains stunted.
    they constantly feel extreme amounts of shame, guilt, fear of attachment, fear of abandonment, and enormous self hatred.
    whenever they encounter the smallest amounts of every day problems that we all go through, they do not know how to deal with it. they cannot rationalize empathy, remorse, guilt or shame.
    this is why they freak out and over react to things that other
    people can just brush off.
    we try to reassure them saying things like ‘that’s not true’ we tell them ‘i love you!’ and ‘everything will be alright’ but they are incapable of trusting anyone.
    if they have a history of substance abuse or especially alcoholism, this will only exacerbate their condition and the relationship difficulties as they will exhibit a selective memory and be able to fall back on alcohol as an excuse for whatever they want.
    as you may have noticed, just about all of the people posting here, (mostly all ‘nons’ with borderline exes) will tell you stuff like ‘run away as fast as you can!’ or ‘gtfo of there!’ ‘run for the hills and never look back!’ ‘she did you a favor’ ‘you should take it as a compliment that you’re not messed up enough for her’.
    but we do not feel that way. we love these pitiful poor souls.
    we feel there is a giant empty space in our hearts where they used to be. we miss them terribly all the time and the feeling just wont go away. we would to anything for them if it were only possible to reach them.
    some professionals will tell you ‘if she ever tries to come back, BEWARE!!’ she is not coming back because she cares about you, but she is only there to fill his or her enormous, insatiable needs.
    he/she’s dropped you out of the blue and ran away before. you can bet all the money you have that he or she will do it again.
    its only a matter of time until something triggers an another irrational reaction and you are once again split black.

    its worth looking at all of this stuff from the perspective of a BP.
    some will tell you that yes they do in fact feel love, guilt, shame, empathy, remorse etc. but they do not understand how to deal with it. they can only understand abuse. they’re more comfortable being in pain, misery and despair.
    that is why some BPs can endure long term abusive, unhealthy relationships for many years but when it comes to meeting the nice, sweet guy or girl, they can’t understand how and why they are not being abused, so they become the abusers themselves.
    you try to assure them that they are worth loving. that they are special, but what they are thinking is more like ‘man, this guy must be a real a-hole! if he can’t see how f—ed up i am than he must be even more messed up than me!’

    its excruciatingly painful. its beyond heartbreaking. there is without a doubt a wonderful person somewhere deep down inside but the environment this person grew up in was beyond toxic. now this person is poisoned and cursed.
    THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO TO SAVE THEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    let me reiterate;
    THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO TO SAVE THEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    you can tell them they need to get professional help and they may be well aware of this but WATCH OUT if you do this!!
    the result will almost certainly be them instantly splitting you black and raging on you. part of their primitive coping/defense mechanism is denial. that is why everything is always someone else’s fault.

    should the BP find a moment of wisdom and clarity and finally see the light that they need serious help, it is still an extremely difficult process. like i said before, even for a master psychologist, dealing with this person can be extraordinarily difficult.
    i’ve been told that even with years and years of therapy twice a week, it can take more than 10 years to recover and heal even a marginal amount of the pain and hurt they’ve endured and suffered through. it can truly take a lifetime of treatment to overcome this terrible condition.

    so.. now if sigmund freud himself couldn’t save these people,
    how can YOU possibly expect to be their savior??
    YOU CAN’T!!
    i cannot tell you, don’t love your borderline.
    i can’t tell you to forget about them. i am still very much in love with my ex. but when someone has split you black and becomes emotionally unavailable,
    there’s nothing left you can do.

    i know that letting go is easier said than done. you miss the borderline so much that the feeling is inescapable. you feel like you cannot enjoy much of the same activities you used to.

    on a completely unrelated note, i just wanted to share with everyone one of the things i’ve been doing lately.
    i realize that its not for everyone but i’ve been watching
    R.kelly’s trapped in the closet on youtube. (chapters 1-37!)
    this might not help you with any issues related to BPD but i think its very funny and we all need a reason to laugh and smile once in a while.

    i’ll be back to check out this page.
    good luck to everyone! keep your head up! one love!
    PEACE!!

  87. Matt said

    Thanks heaps for the replays guys made it more clear and to get other people’s opinions on it. I made it clear to her that I supported her for 3 years and she isn’t getting another cent off me, I also told her that she has BPD then told her to **** off and delete my number.
    my family and friends said they did not like her and there was something odd about her. My old landlord told me she thought she was bi polar, I asked my sister who is a mental health nurse diagnosed her as not bi polar but BPD, she thought she was a very odd girl.
    I am more angry and feel so stupid, lost confidence and self esteem after being in this relationship. The hardest part was she used to treat our dog as like it was our kid and she walked away from her and me without remorse or guilt and I had to give my dog away cause I work away from home and can’t look after her. That was the only time I cried was giving her up, I think I felt relief after my ex broke up with me and I told her that and her response was I know you are still hurting.
    The only thing I miss is having a relationship and our dog, seems like they walk away happy guilt free while I have to pick up the pieces and change my life, we had a beautiful house that I payed for now I’m living in a share house, amazing how it goes from soo good one day to soo bad the next.
    I wish I had known about BPD before she broke up with me and would have been so fast out the door! If I had known what I was in for but then again I did see signs I thought it was strange but I loved her and thought she loved me. Love is blind!

  88. Sammy said

    Yeah @ Matt Love is truly blind my man , LOL , Ya know Matt I am a Old Ex Football player and I often wondered even when I played as to how I could just keep getting up going back to the huddle each and every time I got the shit knocked out of me, Well I understand now at 46 soon to be 47 Feb 16th , thats why I was able to do it cause good men get the fuck up each time they are knocked down , And go back to the love huddle and pick another one , Just don’t stay with that trick man. Just don’t , they are all liars their so called friends are liars , their families are liars in that they go along with and cover this shit up over and over again. Fuck em , expose them sex is not worth someones life , its just not worth it.

    • Sammy said

      @ Matt the reason I grouped those people together is because , there is not way on GODS green earth , that anyone can be around these type of scum bags and not know they are fucked up and why. I am talking about people that have known the scumbag for a long time . These close groups of people indorse this bull shit out of the BPD/ NPD …cause they don’t want them to kill themselves , so they let them kill “YOU” the victim. Its ok for them to damage you cause you was a sucker in the first place. So to the Family and friends of these fucked up people you got what you deserved , for fucking with the BPD/NPD…LOL what a joke these assholes are.

  89. Matt said

    Yip tell me about it sammy your not wrong there, the thing is she didn’t come from a dysfunctional family, her mum was the disiplinearian. But it seemed like a normal family. I still get along with her family I think unless my ex has told them more shit about me. She was always against cheating and drugs and didn’t drink much so I really don’t get it.

  90. Matt said

    I want to tell her family what exactly she has got but that will probably not go down to well, I think they know she has a mental problem as my ex told me when we first met she cut her wrists (I didn’t see scars though?) her mum saw it and sent her to live with family friends. I’m 26 and my ex is 23

  91. Sammy said

    @ Matt , See I don’t give a damn about this scumbag at this point , What I want to know is do anyone give a damn about me , and how I feel bout what happened to me. See @Matt somebody is lying here its either me or the Borderline …I wonder which is it. Hell I know from the scars on my heart who’s lying , I don’t want no bitch who don’t want me , so I been over the sex and shit for sometime now. Matter of fact I encountered at least one other BPD since her. I ran her ass off so fast you could see the fire under the bottom of her shoes . So I thank All mighty God for the experience with this scumbag , cause I can’t be fooled now ever again !!!

  92. jay said

    sammy, i feel for you bro but there are a couple things to consider here:
    first and most importantly; hatred is far more destructive to those who hate than it is for those who are hated.
    you have every right to be angry for being wronged but you must let it go for your sake and for everyone else around you.
    easier said than done i know.
    second; its not a lie if you believe it. these people are SO F—ED in the head. SO full of pain, guilt, shame, DENIAL, paranoia, and self hatred that their defense mechanisms allow themselves to develop extremely flawed belief systems.
    not only are they desperately trying to hide their issues but in some cases, the history of abuse is so extremely horrifying that they repress certain memories.
    their torture has resulted in amnesia!

    i can’t tell you what to do but if you want to attempt to take the high road, don’t add to their long history of abuse. that only proves her right in her own eyes and justifies her craziness
    again, easier said than done.

  93. jay said

    ….they create self fulfilling prophesies in order to justify irrational behavior.

    • ABSOLUTELY!!!! they have a delusional belief. A belief that anyone they form an attachment with, will leave them, ussually based on childhood abandonment issues. Their belief must be confirmed so that they can see themselves as being valid. If their fear is abandonment, and you treat them in a loving way that conveys security and stability, it scares the hell out of them. it sends up a red flag to them that they may be wrong.

      Paradoxically, even though all they say they ever want is someone to love them unconditionally, when they get what they want…and you don’t abandon them…they have to start behaving in a way that makes you eventually HAVE to leave. When you do so, their prophesies are fulfilled and their beliefs are right and therefore they are not insane…acoording to them.

      They are so afraid of us staying because if we do, they are no longer right. Even though we have given them what they want, by doing so, we have proven them incorrect. At all costs a BPD would rather be right than have what they claim to want.

      They will sabotage their own happiness over and over again because that happiness , in actuality, is incongruent w/ their core belief sysytem. They have come to believe that they are not worthy of being loved and that everyone who they let get close will abandon them. They trust no one. Their sense of “self” is built arounf this belief system. As dysfunctional as it is, it is who they have come to believe they are.

      When we , as NONs treat them lovingly they actually lose a sense of who they are. Their “SELF” dies. In order for them to not lose who they are, as fucked up as it is, they MUST cause us to abandon them so that their belief system remains intact and they don’t lose their identity.

      If it all sounds sick and twisted and illogical….it is. Thats why they are disordered and we don’t understand why “logical” behaviors and responses from us illicit behaviors from them that are 180 degrees out of phase when compared w/ normal responses. We don’t get it. That’s good. That means we are healthy. Temporarily insane for hanging on trying to fix whats terminally broken, but non the less capable of recovery.

  94. Sammy said

    Well @ Jay I can find some truth and honesty in what you have just posted here and you know there is a part of me that know that you are right , Not that I am calling you a woman in what I am about to say …But you remind me of my Grandmother now , Man that woman did everything in her power to not only to keep me out of trouble but to also show me how I should treat others , so I know you are right partner…., I had a macho buddy of mine told me something about a week ago that totally shocked me . ,I told him about the smear campaign and he as a matter of fact told me that I was going to have to forgive her , Now coming from this guy I couldn’t believe what I was hearing , he is a total ladies man….Woman out the ass , But he told me he had the same type thing happen to him, smear campaign and all. And that I was going to have to forgive this chick…..And ya know I think at times I have but every once in a while , I hate the fucking hell out of that bitch….I just do!!!!! I am working on it man I swear I am .

  95. Sammy said

    See @ Matt and Jay , What I am trying to say is I was at peace when I met this piece of shit…and She disturbed my peace …And its been hard for me to get it back …, I don’t care how many woman I run through I can’t forget the disrespect , smearing , putting my life in jeopardy that went on …..It goes and comes !

  96. jay said

    that is why i say ‘easier said than done’.
    i know how intense the pain is. you were manipulated, deceived and betrayed by someone you loved. somebody you probably would’ve done anything for. following this heartbreak, initially there is only pain and despair. shortly after this, your only alternative is anger. but you must let go at this point because anger leads to hatred and hate leads to suffering. not just for you.
    hatred to a large extent is not the opposite of love but the corruption of love. only somebody who you loved so much could’ve hurt you this much. i always try to explain to people that there is no such thing as pure evil.
    i don’t have all the answers but i can tell you this much. your pain is beyond insignificant compared to her pain. and there is nobody in the world who hates her more than she hates herself.
    we can all learn from these experiences. learn to care for ourselves once again. the more of these stories you read, the easier it is to stop blaming ourselves.

    “…the past is still the past and tomorrow’s just another crazy scam.” – beck hanson

    here’s one that my therapist sent me:

    Everything you’ve learned in school as “obvious” becomes less and less obvious as you begin to study the universe. For example, there are no solids in the universe. There’s not even a suggestion of a solid. There are no absolute continuums. There are no surfaces. There are no straight lines.
    – R. Buckminster Fuller

  97. Sammy said

    Yeah I know that you are right , I think the most successful part about me , as a person and the thing that makes me a cool dude to even be around . Is I chose not to HATE. I have been able to keep it out of my life and How this happened is just beyond me. So again I know you are right , I just keep waiting on that morning where the treatment from this person goes away and its not there anymore!!!! It just haven’t happened fast enough for me.

  98. jay said

    i wouldn’t be doing so well either. in fact, i’m still not doing so well.
    i’m actually kind of a mess right now.
    the thing i got going for me is my relationship lasted only a few months. and fortunately, i am close to people who are experts in the field of psychology.
    this experience is very difficult and very painful. the BP is often highly intelligent and is a master of seduction and manipulation.
    they are adept at exploiting other people’s vulnerabilities because they are so in tuned with their own.
    then, when the time comes, they can detach from you and cut all contact and communication like its a second nature for them.
    leaving you sitting there with your jaw dropped like wtf just happened?! what did i do wrong??

    as ridiculous as it sounds, and even now after i know all that i know, i still wish i could talk to her. i still wish that she would come back. there’s still nobody else in the world that i would rather be with. but i have to wonder if i’m just hypnotized. if i’m just in love with an illusion or a fantasy. in reality, i fight this idea as hard as i can but it becomes more and more difficult to dispute it.

    i love her and i cherished every minute i got to spend with her.
    but now, she is an icy cold hearted, emotionally unavailable, unreceptive, unresponsive BITCH and there is nothing i can do to reconnect no matter what i try to do..

    interestingly enough though, for the most part, she has ignored all my calls, emails and messages. BUT, when i start saying stuff like wtf is wrong with you?! you must be seriously f—ed in the head! etc..
    THIS is what gets her to respond to me! negativity and hostility!
    THAT is what she understands! she was in an abusive relationship for 9 years but couldn’t handle being with a nice guy for 3 months!
    now, her response was little more than ‘f— you! don’t ever call me again!’ but it was an actual response. and i had received none for several months. i remember my friend told me they were parking the car together one time and she asked him something like
    “why doesn’t he fight back??”

    still i cannot recommend this. you don’t want to become an abusive a-hole just because it suits her comfort zone.
    that kind of relationship is beyond unhealthy for both of you.

  99. Sammy said

    Oh Yeah I totally understand , having been on this site for quite a while as SavoryDish can attest too. I felt the same emotions as you spoke about , here and your earlier post …but about a year ago after i had a chance to fig it all out . package it ll up , After people who knew her including some in her own family told me the truth , Then I let all the other shit go . But I was raised the old fashion way if I did something to a person . I admitted I was wrong and Said I was sorry and weather I had contact with that person ever again or not . I had did what was right. This bitch never did that and I thought she would , just based on the perception I had of her in the relationship , even after I realized she was fucked up. When I didn’t get that I became very angry. See I would never sleep with this scum bag again , couldn’t do it won’t do it, See sooner or later every guy in her area is going to know who she is or someone who’s slept with her..Not GOOD….So maybe I am just caught up in how I was raised and all. I like to show and get respect . This bitch is disrespectful to the 8th power and I can’t stand it.

  100. J-Shaun said

    A few pieces on this blog leave me dumbstruck…
    i very well believe with every bit of my rational mind that my ex is a possible borderline girl. The relationship panned out for two years and let me tell you these have been the most intense years of my life and i have reached to a point now that makes me question my own sanity, confidence & self-esteem. Have been through each of the stages written down here.
    1) emotional abuse – check
    2) slut shaming – check
    3) splitting black – check
    4) false rape accuses – double check
    5) triangulation – check
    6) add here whatever comes as descriptive characteristic.
    have been through them in a matter of months!!
    i really wish i found your blog few months before, would have really helped me out to put an end to the story with peace.

  101. 1st you become AWARE of a person, place or thing. 2nd, you gain empirical knowledge/understanding of that person, place or thing. 3rd, through that knowledge you are shown the TRUTH, the ABSOLUTE TRUTH, not what you WANT to believe, but the TRUTH. Once you accept this truth as reality…you are enlightened. With this being said, after 5 torturous years of a BPD relationship, having gone through everything expressed on this site, and more…. I accept the following: I will always love my BPD ex G/F. i can no longer try to quit loving her as ameans of trying not to hurt anymore….it don’t work!!!!! I accept that she is SICK, very very very SICK. I accept that no matter how fucking big my tool box gets, no matter how many BPD blogs i read, no matter how much research I do ( I became addicted to BPD research), no matter how bad i want to ….I CAN NOT FIX HER!!!!!! I can not SAVE her. I CAN not LOVE her enough to cure her. Most importantley….I accept that 100% NO CONTACT is the only way for to move forward and do the ONLY thing I can do that will make me feel human again…..I must forgive, her. SHE IS SICK. I must lose my resentment so I do not get sicker and, at all costs, I must devote the same intensity to healing myself as I did to trying to fix her. I was unhealthy, otherwise I never would have allowed another person to mistreat me to such a dgree and delude myself into believing that it was all happening in the name of love. I must work on my mental and emotional health. I must make decisions in my own best interest. In God’s world nothing happens by mistake and the DHARMA states that life is a series of suffering so that lessons can be learned. We NON’s have suffered. In order to transcend we must ACCEPT, FORGIVE and MOVE FORWARD so that we can apply the lessons we have learned, create a HEALTHY “self” and be emotionally available to ourselves and other healthy people that we meet going forward along the path. I hope this helps. I was in SUICIDAL pain for almost 2 full years. Once I accepted THE TRUTH as it is, not as I want it to be, was I able to begin waking up in the morning no longer hopeing to die.

  102. L.V.X. said

    I am surprised I have no come across this blog yet, as I have, like many others here have mentioned (& elsewhere – on similar sites – as well) become addicted to this enigmatic obsessive research on the BPD.

    It’s like I sit here and read through story after story, post after post, tale of woe after horror-show, somehow expecting the absolute will become resolute, and in somehow hearing another man has suffered at the hands of a sickly frustrating BPD woman will somehow cure my own heap of misery, or at the very least confirm that I am in fact sane, and my feelings are legitimate.

    I have experienced EVERY aspect of the BPD relationship. And it still is off/on as far as I am concerned – and will forever remain that way as long as either of us are able to contact each other. These relationships never end, as they have never begun.

    The illusion, the prestige, the magic, the act, the game, the heart-ache, the pain, the diagnostically categorical identification, the scars, the marks, the torment, the shame, the confusion, the bewilderment, etc…is the same for all of us Non’s. So much so that we become, as traumatized victims, self-enabling abusers. We suffer to suffer what we have learned is love as suffering.

    We are Masochists turned Sadists who fell in love with a Mirror, and as Narcissus reflecting ourselves, no longer skip rocks to delicately balance our personae’s rippling illusion, but throw boulders into the Sea of our self-promulgated misery: learned & taught to us by the Masters of Manipulation: BPD’s.

    What’s sick is that it is so SICK beyond our understanding we cannot fathom even grasping the beginning of their tortuous perceptions, can not begin to comprehend how to behave in such insidious manners, can never cognize how deeply pathetic their emotional capacity is [not], and are left to – in the dust, in hindsight – revel in what madness has been dumped on our disheveled shoulders. It’s a Promethean struggle we face – as no human, no female/male ever appears the same.

    And what’s more disturbing is our pure Love. It does not diminish, it does not disappear, it hardly dissipates lest forgotten briefly in a moment of sheer distraction – as distraction is all we can bear to accomplish when attempting to overcome what overbearing guilt, shame, and emptiness we are left with when destroyed by these types of people.

    It is so true that their families defend them, and perpetuate the insanity. It is so true that they are in deep remorseful & constant pain for their own CHOSEN actions.

    I remember the moment of the bait-&-switch WTF AHA moment when I first began questioning the relationship, her emotional ups and downs, my willingness to participate, etc…And that moment has not stopped since it began.

    The Love turned into an obsession, the abuse turned into clockwork motions I’d or do or can patiently predict, await, and experience stoically.

    What’s weird and difficult, beyond what we all know firsthand, is how I’ve noticed their happiness coincides with the level of depleted contentment in their partners.

    As their life gets better, their partners life diminishes in quality. They are succubi, incubi, vampires, Lady’s in Red, Old Hag’s, venomous beings; they are the muses of Madness, the erotic & infantile play-things of the gods, the infinite debasement of morality & ethics, the ever-swaying pendulum of delighted psychosexual boundary-less offerings, self-sacrificial pacified monsters whose masks are so scintillating, whose songs that of a Siren, whose appetites ferocious as a Nympho Werewolf on a full moon’s tritely pale hued night, whose pain is so real & effervescent it’s intoxicating, who knows no End nor Beginning, and is typically the End or Beginning of their victims Life; they make poets out of soldiers, and war-torn Generals out of Mimes, turn the Silent into Boisterous, and the Confident into shame-filled dogs with tails hidden between their legs out of fear of both abandonment & chastisement at it’s any-which-way’s sway.

    These women are just one aspect of our experience of life, and it’s perhaps the most difficult thing a man may come to terms with – his inexplicable love for the BPD.

    The blood from their wrists & belittling accusations hours after their false pregnancy & idyll marriage fantasy ideations days before their break up black-painting Silence weeks before their “label-less” ‘dating’ claiming their undying Love for you months after their ex diddled their cunt years before you leave yet again for another triumphantly failed return to her months after absorbing more & more information on the BPD…it’s confusion, it’s chaos, it’s addictive, it’s tumultuous, it evokes empathy, pity, sympathy, etc…

    Somewhere above it is mentioned that we become their parents, or harbor a parental love. Nothing is more true. I remember remarking early in our relationship how I felt a nearly paternal love for her on top of my romantic love, and that it was inexplicable, however I felt she was both family & mistress, romantic interest and sibling even, it’s almost as if these relationships are incestuous, like you’re in love with your own kin, and the death of the relationship is as much of a death as the loss of one from your own bloodline; it’s like losing family, as the bond is so deep, yet so plastic, it’s simply flabbergasting to confess one can not let go of what was never able to be held onto in the first place.

    The ease with which they cycle & recycle people is perhaps the most disturbing aspect, as one watches the pain it causes the BPD, and how it perpetuates their reinforced habitual pattern of abuse-abuser-victim-user. They force themselves into situations where they will be perceived as the victim, the one wronged, the one misled, the one led on, the one taken advantage of, etc…and force upon themselves, or choose to go out of their way to FIND people both to use and to be used by, as far as I can tell – desiring most those who will use them – as those who care naught but for themselves are incapable of harming one who cares only for oneself, thus it leaves us stuck in the on/off relationship with them, or leaving the relationship, questioning our very own co-morbid codependent state of existence, leading us into introspective depths we’d never considered necessary until now, leaving us in doubt of our own stance, being, and direction, causing us fear and trembling before the towering shadow of a tiny beautiful girl who somehow possessed us with such an indescribable attachment & Vital link to them, we know not who we are lest we even existed before they came along, earth-shattering, parabolic, intoxicating, & most of all: crippling examples of the veracity of Evil.

    This site and others are both remedy & virus: they perpetuate in me the need to understand those who’ve been afflicted by BPD as a sufferer or a Non thereby effected expectedly, simultaneous to healing my own exegetical enterprise in comprehending the battle royale constantly doting over me like a damned demonic entity.

    Most difficult of all, especially in comparison with other relationships or women, is that I simply can not let go. There is nothing one can do to make these situations any better, nor is there any resolve one may get beyond becoming the very thing their BPD knows will provoke their continual debasement of Self & Others – the falsely alleged Abuser for the next to consider Bad until he/she becomes the very samed abused Abuser in the eyes of the Child who never was given an opportunity to experience or express love.

    The question will always linger, was it me or was it her? Who truly is at fault? Who am I to say she was wrong when I myself am perhaps the very vile beast that’s deserving of her inhumane treatment? Revenge or avoidance? Petrified wood or petrol? Disturbed or a minor disturbance? Confirmed experiences or reaffirmed coerscion into believing what’s read over what’s felt, despite not even knowing any longer if what’s felt is real and what’s said is true, because after years of total incomprehensible deceit, it’s so hard to know any longer even ones own Truths – for what was before relative becomes concrete, and there is no cornerstone where laid this foundation’s Gordian Knot’s betwixt the branches of some Urim and Thummin mould.

    I appreciate this site and will continue to carouse it’s posts. This is the first I’ve read, and I read through every comment. My heart goes out to all of those afflicted by and affected by this phenomena.

  103. jay said

    @ L.V.X. HOLY SH!T MAN! you are a f—ing brilliant writer!!
    i mean it almost seems like you’re just showing off at times.
    maybe you’re also a bit inspired. they say phil collins got like 5 albums out of one divorce..
    i almost feel like forwarding this post to my ex… of course, that probably wont lead to anything good but still.
    are you some kind of poet or english scholar? i mean, i couldn’t possibly be the first person who has wondered or suggested this.
    i don’t even usually enjoy reading that much.
    i’m personally much more of a TV kind of person with acute attention deficit disorder n all that. sometimes i even copy n paste stuff onto google auto translate just to have the computer read stuff to me. but seriously, i wouldn’t mind having a look at some of your other stuff if there is any.

  104. L.V.X. said

    Thanks for the reply. I’m just a 24 year old alcoholic. Nothing else. Glad you enjoyed it. I didn’t mean to seem like I was showing off. I just tend to ramble that way with words.

    I just got out of the car with her, I hope it’s the last time I have to. What makes matters worse is despite her deceptively charming portrayal of innocence alongside the spiteful behavior in relation to me, there is no other human who offers me what solace she has & is able to – intimately, I mean. 8+ years is a long time. Not that we were exclusive until the 2 year end of it. It’s still a LONG time being with someone in such a way and having to come to terms with Goodbye.

    They tend to isolate you into existing purely along their lines, and once realized, it’s too late to cross let alone walk them soberly. I used drinking as a means to be OK with the insanity, and she uses my drinking or sobriety as an excuse to behave inappropriately.

    What’s all good and well is the fact that I remain steadfast in my comprehension of the situation: no longer drowned in the midst of defecating attacks I can see clearly what I must do. It’s just the effort of movement beyond the first step that’s most difficult, despite all rational thought, no rationale can bring one to the point of premeditated contentment regarding such situations.

    The confusion is best surmised by the experience of a man believing he’s having a child only to find out he’s not – over & over & over again; with increasingly profound proof to denounce any doubts concerning the previous lies presentation. However that unborn child is perhaps the luckiest of all, never having to exist around humans incapable of intellectual honesty.

    I’m no saint, however I know that compared to what the BPD does, on a daily basis, hourly wage, minute-by-minute anxious rage, I’ve never nor will I ever CHOOSE to harm another in their quite ridiculously effective ways.

  105. Once again, and I do empathize w/ your pain L.V.X., but it all comes to a point that once we have endured, remained to endure more, tried to fix them, and on and on and on……where it’s not about THEM anymore. If we truely want to heal and NEVER repeat this experience again, we MUST accept that if we were healthy we never would have been involved with them in the 1st place.

    The 1st time I caught her red-handed cheating on me, had i been healthy, i would have left; never again to even stop to spit on her if I saw her lying on the ground on fire…..but i CHOSE to stay. It’s not about them. It can’t be anymore.

    Havn’t we devoted enough time and energy to them, knowing the results, to continue to live in the past rehashing each moment and essentially continuing to let them control our emotions even though they no longer want anything to do with us? it’s SICK….by continuing to look back and constantly relive the experience, we are doing to ourselves what we loathe about them and they don’t even have to be present anymore.

    IT”S TIME TO LOOK INWARD AND DISCOVER WHAT WAS (IS) BROKEN INSIDE US that led to our allowing ourselves to be mistreated again and again and again. The question is: HOW DO I FIX ME. No more can it be HOW CAN I FIX HER. I can’t change the past. I can’t make it any different than it was by reliving it.

    Insanity is: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. I was,by this definition, shithouse rat crazy INSANE. The only thing that ever was different is that it got WORSE each time I thought, hoped, dreamed, believed she would change. I’ d go back again and just like poor Charlie Brown, there she was…Lucy pulling the football away from me just as I believed that this time she would finally let me kick it. And then, 1 more time there I am laying flat on my back wondering WTF!!!!!!

    Only by maintaining NO CONTACT no matter what, by accepting that the past has ocurred, can’t be changed, and “is what it is”,and by looking only at my part with brutal honesty, can I identify and correct what is unhealthy w/in me. By focusing on myself I can heal. I can grow and mature. I can become a healthy man capable of attracting a healthy woman and having a healthy relationship.

    I forgive my ex. She is sick. She is in denial. She lives in constant anguish and fear. When my thoughts of her begin to linger I quickly pray that she be in God’s will and I look @ the bright side……which is: She probably will suffer w/ BPD the rest of her life. Thank God I’m no longer going through it with her.

    • savorydish said

      “IT”S TIME TO LOOK INWARD AND DISCOVER WHAT WAS (IS) BROKEN INSIDE US that led to our allowing ourselves to be mistreated again and again and again. The question is: HOW DO I FIX ME. No more can it be HOW CAN I FIX HER.”

      Spot on.

      • thank you savorydish. We all need validation that WE are not crazy after we have gone through our BPD experience. I did not LOOK INWARD immediateley and i did not do so until I had exhausted all belief that I could “will” her/the relationship to change for the better. I resisted looking at my part for a long, long time. At a certain point along the way i believe our “inner voice” tells us that we need to leave. Our ego, however, does not listen. The only thing more painful than constatntly absorbing the abusive behavior directed at me from my exBPD g/f was finally admitting that …YES, there must be something broken inside of me that keeps me attached to her. it finally dawned on me that the realization, the awareness of my broken emotional coping mechanisms was actually my salvation. Without the awareness of my deficiencies and henceforth the need to heal ME (not her)…I’d still be in torment trying, unsuccesfully, to fix her, to blame her, to continue to dance with this insidious
        emotional disorder. A j Mahari and Sheri Schreiber have written fantastic information that I read that prompted me to finally be the least bit openminded to focusing on what MY PART in the BPD dynamic was. Reading their information was the catalyst for the paradigm shift that ocurred w/i me, allowing my focus to move off of her and on to me. The pain of letting go of “her” and dealing with me was undescribable. Avoidance of that pain was what kept me entangled for so long. But only by walking through that devestating pain have I began to heal. I’m not held hostage today. I know that 1000% NO CONTACT is essential for my emotinal healing. Because of that knowledge I havn’t directley forgiven my ex. But I have in my heart, and the UNIVERSE knows that. I have forgiven myself. When it all comes down to it…we are all human, simply human beings w/o an instruction manual trying to navigate a path that we are all unaware of until that very next step is directley upon us. I think my ex and I both did the best with the broken emotional tools we had. Unfortunately that mutual brokeness was what attracted us to each other. @ BROKEN PEOPLE MAKE 1 BROKEN COUPLE. That is the lesson I learned. A very painful lesson indeed, but, none the less .. a lesson. Without my BPD experience I might have remained broken the rest of my life due to ignorance. If we are enlightened we turn a negative into a positive. Now I have the choice of becoming healthy and, God willing , enjoying the fruits of a healthy relationship some day.

        on to me.

      • savorydish said

        You’re welcome, Michael.

    • L.V.X. said

      Thank you Michael for what you’ve expressed here and in other comments in response to me. Congrats on the sobriety by the way. This shit is crazy. You are not broken. This world is. I’d say more but it’d just prove futile. This world is really a pathetic place when it comes to the treatment some of us endure. And how we’re furthermore expected to accept said treatment and submit ourselves to the idea we are at fault for having received abuse, so to stop “being such a victim”, etc…

      I don’t know man, I can’t explain it, but this shit is so hard to come to terms with. I accept my responsibility for what I have done, but I will never accept responsibility for what someone else has done to me, or against me, etc…

      To make a clear example, if you shoot me in the face, it’s not my fault nor my responsibility to take responsibility for you having shot me in the face. Before I go off I’ll end it here.

      But I did originally want to say I Actually got a lot out of your comments because it’s the first time I’ve felt someone kinda understood where I was coming from experientially. I really appreciate it. And what you have to say. So thanks man.

      • To my brother in arms L.V.X. The pain is excruciating, worse than anything i could have ever imagined. The hidden treasure , if you will, is “that which does not kil us only makes us stronger”.

        By being 100% resolute in NO CONTACT and honestley assesing and repairing what it is inside us that made us susceptible to their seduction; WE WILL persevere and, like the phoenix among the ashes : rise to new heights of awareness and consciousness. The inner victory being the knowledge that our ex’s will never know this transcendence that, because of the pain they gave us, we have acheived.

        The pain we endured by being with them was actually the wrapping around a gift of true liberation and freedom. You know from dilligent 4th step work that pain is the touchstone of growth. The BPD will never grow because they are constantly engaged in the avoidance of pain.

        We are strong spiritual individuals. Our alcoholism has strengthened us! our BPD experience ( i no longer refer to it a relationship. It was an EXPERIENCE!) will allow us to grow in ways we never imagined. We have courage to face and walk through our fears. Henceforth we grow and spiritually expand. Embrace the paradox. We are actually blessed. Forgiveness is key and acceptance eliminates suffering.

        Be well. Be strong. Be Blessed.

      • jay said

        @ michael, i don’t necessarily want to get into a debate over this but.. it is a well known saying – ‘that which does not kill us, makes us stronger’.
        this is NOT absolutely true.
        there are MANY things that do not kill us and do NOT make us stronger.
        maybe you can come up with some on your own but here are a couple examples:
        scarlet fever, ALS, a hammer to the back of the head etc.

  106. Marie said

    You guys are all amazing. Thank you all for sharing. All I can add is that once you FINALLY get free of being pulled back into that emotional black hole….it feels FANTASTIC! Looking back you will kick yourself for thinking you could ever help someone like that and yes, focusing on yourself is the best thing you can do. I am still gettting text messages from my ex with BPD trying to pull me back in and I can’t tell you how great it feels to be able to just DELETE them and not even bother to read or reply.
    Hugs to you all, stay strong,
    Marie

    • Nicholas said

      Marie, I know what you mean about feeling FANTASTIC!
      I was there for about a week and a half, loving my life, feeling so free of constantly thinking about her, and then… She emails me to let me know, out of “respect” for me, that she’s seeing someone. Hmm… Well, she certainly didn’t have any respect for me when she cheated on me, so why would she start now? Nope, just trying to hurt me more.
      Anyway, I’ve blocked her email address now. Hoping to get back to that blissed out feeling again soon.
      I’m glad to hear you’re doing so well. This forum is invaluable to me as reading everyone else’s stories and successes in dealing with these treacherous psychopaths, gives me strength and hope.

      • Marie said

        Nicholas, Savory Dish and fellow survivors,
        It took a looong time to get to fantastic believe me. The trick was not getting pulled back in. I keep getting calls and text messages to this day but refuse to respond. He has not shown up at my house (yet) because either he knows I’m really done or hasn’t been desperate enough.
        The BPD men also pull women back in with awesome sex. The problem with my ex was I am more passionate than he is so that wasn’t really the hook it was supposed to be. So you can have a “supernatural” sexual experience with a normal person you just have to find the right one. Don’t give up looking around.
        There are nice and normal people of both genders out there and it feels good to know what to look for now when dating to AVOID BPD’s. I have already come across a few and THANK GOD I recognized them for what they were right away. It astounds me how many people are out there with undiagnosed personality disorders.
        I’m in no hurry to be in a new relationship for ANY reason and am taking my time seeing who is out there. Should I hear my ex is dating someone new I will be OVERJOYED because that means I am finally free and he’ll be busy romancing and duping the next woman.
        Yes, the male BPD can have psychopathic tendencies…this is a love that can literally kill you. For this reason I will NEVER want it announced to my ex when I have finally found Mr. Right for me. Thank God we live an hour away from each other so chances are slim he would find out.
        Savory Dish, thanks again for this site…you are an angel for all of us and I know I would NEVER have reached fantastic without you.
        Hugs,
        Marie

  107. Nicholas said

    Life is so strange sometimes. If you had asked me four months ago what my biggest fear about Tasha was, my answer would’ve been her leaving me for someone else (again) or even just her being with someone else. Now, three months after leaving her, and knowing she’s in love with another man, I’m incredibly grateful for it. Because she’s found a new focus for her crazy, and I FEEL LIKE ME AGAIN!!! No more phone calls or emails. No more jealousy, manipulation, game playing… Just the first real peace I’ve had in six years. That shit is priceless (Mastercard should do a “leaving your BPD” commercial).

  108. L.V.X. said

    Yeah, it’s funny as I can see where I’ll be once this storm has passed. But as of now, it’s still just incredibly and at times immensely hilarious just how fucking crazy that woman had an effect on me.

    I am dumbfounded, wondering WTF happened to the last two years of my life. It is seriously like I blacked out and am slowly coming to. The only moments of clarity, I realize, were when she commenced a painting me black phase, that I accepted or believed was the end, and I began to become myself again. Only to unwittingly jump right back on the bandwagon once she came back.

    I recognize the insanity but my personality is so hellbent on loyalty, giving people the benefit of the doubt, being the lead, or the authority with just and due reserve or cause, that I literally am incapable of brushing her off as worthless or putting her aside like other women. That’s a huge issue I have to come to terms with, the fact that I did actively construct her as being some archetypal necessity….or it’s as if I knew all along how much she was fucking me up, how incomprehensible her treatment of me was, yet I enjoyed looking past it, and in a way allowed her incapacity for humane treatment excuse my own self-indulgent behaviors, infusing me with a sense of righteousness, whereby if she can act this or that way, why the fuck don’t I have the right to devolve to her level?

    After all, the sex was amazing. That’s probably what it all comes down to, just how fucking awesome the sex is/was. On an emotional and physical level, it’s like you’ve reached the pinnacle of existence, only to have it used against you.

    What’s weird is how insanely insightful and intuitive these relationships make you. I already have an intensely intuitive character, but this shit brought me to the next level. Without sounding too crazy, I’ll just say if psychic abilities exist, this relationship definitely flexed that muscle, be it the pituitary gland or some phantasmagorical etheric sensibility. I swear to God, I’ve never experienced such a strong sense of simply KNOWING when and what and how and why things are – with another person.

    I think they project themselves so strongly onto their host that the host can literally begin to see through their eyes, walk in their shoes, etc…which is typically when some form of awakening occurs, and the victim realizes the abuse, and begins the process of detaching the parasite from their lives.

    I wonder if the residual effects will ever dissipate, if I will become less BPD like with time, as I found that as our relationship progressed, as she normalized, I became more like her, constantly on edge, anxious, confused, ready to rage, etc…Though I controlled myself, those feelings were there. I even feared looking at my phone just because she may have or may NOT have called, and either one would cause me anxiety.

    Sounds pathetic, but were you to experience what I did, and many others have, you’d understand. It’s serious business, the blood is real, the knives are real, the threats are real, and they are so goddamned innocent looking, as well as attractive, no one but the sufferer knows their true nature.

    Mine was so fucking brilliant at NEVER writing down or saying anything where others would hear that would make her appear as she was when able to be unfiltered. It was like she knew that if there was any proof of her behavior she’d be responsible, so she mastered the art of preventing herself from ever being caught, but was a master at provoking shit from my end.

    I wish I had filmed her rages or recorded them, as not even an oscar-winning performance could match the insanity I succumbed to. IT was like she was possessed. I’d watch sometimes as literally her entire fucking being would change, like her complexion, her eyes, it was like she’d vanish, and something else would step in. I have never believed in paranormal shit or demonic possession or things of that ilk until this woman made me question those very things.

    The scariest part was her eyes. They would change. They would go pure black. Fully dilated. And become empty. It’s hard to explain and I don’t wanna be any more dramatic than I have been. But this is some seriously disturbing stuff. I’ve literally felt more comfortable with a coked out drug dealer holding a loaded gun to my forehead over a misunderstanding during a game of Dominos than I have around her with a sharp object in one of her rages.

    The more I write about it the more ridiculous it all seems to me, but simultaneously the deeper the wounds feel. It’s like they infect you with some inexplicable disorder that ensures everything will be bleak and festering until you somehow add more salt to the wounds and let it scab up before pretending another round won’t make the scar any larger.

    I really appreciate everyones support and comments here. I get so frustrated when people say things like “man up” or “fuck the bish, move on bro” etc…It’s not like that. And I’ve been with plenty of women so I know that it’s not normal. In fact, being with her led me to be with even MORE women as I needed to confirm not all women were like her. And they weren’t. And unfortunately that was easy, predictable, and further made me more upset that this was the state of romantic affairs I’d be having for the rest of my life, easy women I don’t care for, or evil women I can’t help but care for once it’s too late.

    I’m probably not making much sense right now. I’ve literally had an easier time being beaten to a pulp and having my back and arm broken by police DURING delerium tremens and seizures than emotionally making sense of what I’ve just experienced over the last 2 years. It’s like waking up from an annoyingly long nightmare that, if seen from anyones perspective but ones own, is laughable, though experienced firsthand is just downright depressing.

    I also think people with M names tend to be drawn to these fucked-up folk.

    Because of this chick I don’t think I’ll ever be able to give relationships a chance again. One of the reasons I think I tried so hard to “see what would happen” with us, if we tried to make things work. I just figured, well, she’s honestly the last one I’m giving a chance, considering it all, so may as well see where it takes me. Which was nowhere but down. So this is my Goodbye to her. And I’m finally willing to take ownership for my fault in it all, and give credence where due. And especially to start a NC regime and hold myself accountable somewhere like here, if not here, starting now.

    Thanks for being a sounding board. I hope this is my last rant on the subject in this manner.

  109. Yes.. You are right. I am actually numb right now after reading your experience described only as it can be by someone who went through it. I understand you. Reading it gives me the shivers as it resonates w/ me in such a way that I no longer believe I was the only one that went through it. The sex? you are right on!!! I’ve had sex w/ a varried pallet of women. Sex w/ “her” wasn’t sex. it was something they havn’t invented a word for yet. It transcended all intimacy i could have ever imagined. What makes me mad is that i am pretty sure it won’t ever be like that again. As for women since her?….ya…take ’em or leave ’em is where i’m at.

    Something supernatural ocurred. i will never be able to explain it.
    I must keep no contact w/ her because i know if she wanted to she could seduce me back w/ 1 attempt……only to shred me w/in about 30 days. It’s the awareness of the 2nd part of that statement that i am grateful for today. I know. I know the experience was “otherworldly” never to be experienced again. She could look at me and i felt as if I had been recharged w/ an electricity that frightened yet excited me to no end. I will never figure it out. I think of her daily, hourly, all the time. It’s like i’ve accepted it as permanent background music that will accompany all other immediate thoughts i will ever have.

    The experience forever changed me. i am different. I am jaded. I have been defiled and I am raw….yet callously toughened as well. I don’t know L.V.X. …like you i am an alcoholic. 18 mos. sober.
    I am much more afraid of the possibility of relapse w/ her than w/ alcohol. She was INTOXICATING much more so than any substance I was addicted too. If I were SUPERMAN, she was kryptonite. The APPLE to Adam. Ultimately she would have(the relationship) would have killed me. I was becoming that sick. I empathize w/ you L. V. X. i understand all your feelings and emotions and they are all 100% valid. I hope a kindred soul speaking out to you helps. Time, time and distance and distance through time is our only ally….May God’s speed restore us both.

    • Nicholas said

      Yep, the sex is what kept me hooked too. In fact, I was involved with a narcissist years ago and it was the same thing: crazy good sex. So now I’m off sex altogether. And even the idea of a relationship is repulsive to me. And it’s not trust issues anymore. It’s that I just went through six years of relationship hell, and I seriously cannot be bothered. I know not all women are as batshit crazy as Tasha, but I’m not taking any chances just yet.
      I still can’t believe there are other men who’ve been through such a similar experience to my own. It’s bizarre that these women are even out there doing this over and over again. There should be a national crazy bitch database or something.

      • savorydish said

        They do it over and over again because they can. My ex admitted she was crazy and then proceeded to marry someone, months after she nuked our relationship. A database will never work, because there will always be takers. Chances are we knew something was off and we still engaged. The solution is to fix ourselves and then (and only then) will we no longer seek unhealthy relationships.

      • First A National Crazy Bitch Database….. Ha, Ha, Ha!!!!! LOL, The funniest thing I have heard in a long time. And very true my friends, But again SavoryDish has a overwhelming point, And believe it or not these cluster-B fucks know it too, That there’s always going to be some sucker who thinks he just hit pay dirt, on the chick side, or some ass who puts his dickbeforbrain!!!!!!,so savorydish is right it wouldn’t work cause these cluster-B’s don’t care who they host or fuck, long as they feed their sick sickness!

  110. jay said

    the other thing that i think helps us is message boards like this.
    we read all of these remarkably similar stories and we not only become more educated about these horrifying conditions but we have some also get some kind of mirror or microscope focused on ourselves that allows us to disinfect ourselves from the feelings that we fucked up or that we’re crazy.
    i still in my head go back to this time that was one of the happiest points in my life and am filled with shame and regret. i wonder if i had only done this differently or never done that, maybe i wouldn’t have triggered her crazy paranoia and irrational behavior.
    in my story, she jumped into bed with me right away but i was the one who told her i love you in just under two weeks. i was the one who asked her to be my girlfriend. and a couple months later, maybe out of sensing that she was slipping away, i would call her every day after school started just to say hello and tell her that i missed her.

    now i have some friends (a brother also) who feel like they just get to fuck everything that walks because for the most part, almost everything that walks is more than willing to fuck them.
    this is a conversation i’ve had before with several people. some of it is just opinions that i’m pulling out of my ass based on my own experience and some of it is just nature. plain as day truth:
    to a large extent, most women feel as though they have close to unlimited options sexually at least until they get older. this makes many of them fairly selective. the future of our species depends on their discriminating preferences.
    however; who do they all wanna fuck?
    they all wanna fuck the same 4 people! they all wanna fuck the brad pitts, ryan goslings, and the other famous rock stars or celebrities of the world.
    so in turn, all males for the most part want to fuck everyone.
    but really its just the alpha males who get to.

    so women will often obsess about superficial features such as fashion and their physical appearance while men will focus on wealth, prowess or status symbols.

    i think that lots of men are to some extent turned off by some of this.
    we call women some women gold diggers for chasing men with wealth and status. and women call some of the cocky men who feel entitled to screw everyone, womanizers.

    personally, i’ve never been too concerned with the superficial.
    i don’t really care about the wealth or materialistic stuff.
    maybe these things are somewhat related but i also have very little serious relationship experience compared to many of my friends. to top that off, i broke my back in an accident just before i was 21 and was in a wheelchair for a couple years. i still can’t run or jump. lets just say my athletic days are behind me. now there aren’t too many women that are very attracted to disabled people. i also tend to dodge that ‘so what do you do?’ question.

    i’ve been called lucid and cerebral before but before i can actually get involved in a romantic relationship, i feel like i have close to ‘no game’ whatsoever and that some of my social skills are really lacking.

    so now i find myself in the eye of the storm of a snowballing whirlwind magical explosion of a romantic relationship with someone who it will later be revealed, is a BPD/PTTD/SEVERE alcoholic. sparks are flying everywhere! i’m thinking that i finally met the girl of my dreams!

    the profound rapport and the affection makes me feel like the luckiest person who ever lived!

    ever since i was in high school, i wasn’t really ever the fuck anything that walks kind of guy. if anything i was a hopeless romantic emo kid who had a huge crush on the girl who i could at the most, only be friends with.
    all i really ever wanted was one special girl to love and care for.
    someone to care about me and with whom i could share everything with.
    so whenever i can sense something like this actually happening, i can tend to give my unlimited devotion rather quickly.
    problem is, for anyone else, especially for someone with these severe paranoid attachment and abandonment issues; someone who hates themselves and cannot trust anyone; this is a great big ‘oh shit!’ red flag to them.
    so we’re both clearly kind of fucked up. we got problems. we’re damaged goods etc. the difference with me is i’m not in denial or delusional about it. sometimes i’d even end up apologizing for things that she did.
    at the beginning this made me feel like we were kindred spirits. she told me “if you are damaged than i am beyond repair”.
    so she wasn’t always in denial either. i feel like she is both one of the more severe stories i’ve heard of BPD but also one of the BPs with to some extent more awareness.
    (her dad has BPD too).
    i told her sometimes we all think our burden is the heaviest and we could talk about how screwed up we are for hours but who wants to do that?
    in my story, it is ultimately me ends up being the one who is reaching out and her who is the one practicing zero contact.

    i gotta go do some shit now but i’ll be back..
    PEACE!!

  111. Nicholas said

    Well, I thought I had heard from Tasha for the last time seven weeks ago. I was wrong. I received this email yesterday:

    Hi Nick,

    You told me a long time ago that you would want me to let you know, so out of respect I am writing to tell you that I have started to see someone. It has come quite unexpectedly.

    I hope you are doing well.

    Tasha

    This was yet another lesson brought to me by the woman who stabbed me in the back, and never wants to miss an opportunity to twist it around and cause me more pain.
    I already knew she was seeing someone, so that part isn’t a surprise. And it’s not a surprise that she manages to lie twice in a five line email. I never “asked” her to tell me when she was seeing someone else. It was a theoretical conversation we had about a month after she cheated on me and left me for another man, and then got back together with me after lying about being with him. She’s also lying about it being unexpected, as after about three weeks if trying to get me to come back to her, she gave up and put herself on plenty of fish. I’m not sure what she was “expecting” by putting herself on a dating site…? I suppose she could mean that it was unexpected in that she met him the old fashioned way. Either way, that information is gratuitous, and meant to hurt me even further.

    The thing is, I brought this upon myself. I should have blocked her email the last time she contacted me, and I chose not to. I was doing really well, and feeling very happy and free of her before receiving this email. I’m not devastated or anything, but I’ve definitely been set back a bit. The lesson I’ve finally learned is that NC doesn’t just mean I don’t contact her, it means I do EVERYTHING in my power to ensure that she has no way to contact me either. She is hurtful and toxic, and that is never going to change. I truly feel sorry for the guy she’s “seeing”. If she’s still trying to hurt me, obviously she hasn’t changed or grown at all. Sad.

    • Hi Nicholas. I empathize with you. Don’t be too hard on yourself. I was 5 yrs in the relationship. The last 2 were nothing more than “re-cycling” with her. Always wanting to believe that it was kind to give her and the relationship 1more chance. Hoping that if I was always there she would see that I would never abandon her. After all, wasn’t that what she wanted from me? Undying loyalty? Proof that no matter how badly she treated me I would love her unconditionally? The last period of re-cycling she had moved into a place she couldn’t afford. Being the “captain save-a-ho” I am, I ran to her rescue buying her all sort of things she needed but couldn’t afford, because,naturally, she moved impulsively and then realized she wasn’t financially able to afford neccessities. About 30 days after re-engaging and having provided for her financial shortcomings she “split” me. As they say…no good deed goes unpunished! We are nice people w/ compassionate hearts. THEY are PREDATORS. They seduce us, use us, and then discard us with complete disdain. Before BPD was specifically defined these people were refered to as PSYCOPATHS. Maybe it would have been better for all us “NONs” if the term BPD had never been coined. Had someone had told me she was a psycopath I probably would have been scared off. When I was informed she was a BPD, w/ a personality disorder, the co-dependent in me wanted to help her. She really is a disguised psycopath. Thats the truth. NO CONTACT to me means, in all reality, SHE IS DEAD. That’s how I look at it now in order to simply detach completely and permanently and move forward.

  112. By the way. If you look up BPD and PSYCOPATH in the DSM, the similarities are terrifying….maybe that will give us NONs a better perspective on what we are (hopefully “were”) dealing with.

  113. jay said

    i love these new terms you guys have come up with like captain save a ho and national crazy bitch database.
    life is hard.. there’s probably some truth in that we are all somewhat attracted to these fiery crazy bitches far more than your average mild mannered good girl.
    we have compassionate personalities. we wish that we could be these stoic chivalrous defenders of the damsel in distress.
    of course, that’s just how the siren demons catch us.
    but we got to figure out how to stop blaming ourselves. sure, we definitely made mistakes. but they weren’t unforgivable mistakes.
    we know that in our hearts, our intensions were good.

    and yes, the label BPD is somewhat misleading. it essentially means that a person can appear to be calm and rational one moment and completely off the deep end the next.
    we hear a word like borderline and might associate it with a term like ‘its borderline cold outside’ or that 15 yard penalty was borderline etc.
    sociopaths and psychopaths are without a doubt, extremely dangerous. but their conditions are far more obvious.
    a BP is only a psychopath part time. they are the wolf in sheep’s clothing. one could argue that they are far more dangerous and certainly more unpredictable and unstable.
    we want to be able to relate to them and help them especially when we fall so hard on our asses in love with them.
    but we are talking about severe mental illness here.
    their condition is beyond comprehension to a reasonable, rational, logical person. their defense mechanisms are impenetrable.
    jesus, buddha, allah, krishna, etc. could not save these people.
    the ONLY way they can have any hope of healing themselves and overcoming their demons is if they are 100% absolutely dedicated to doing so. and even then it takes years and years of psychological treatment.
    i hate writing people off as a lost cause. i hate the idea of never speaking to someone ever again. i cannot tell you how much i wish things were different. but it is well beyond our control.
    we all deserve some happiness in our lives. even as a somewhat agnostic person, i pray these poor souls can one day find peace.
    this person will always have a very big place in my heart and even though i miss her dearly, i hope that someday she can find love and figure out how to tolerate it.

    it takes time, and it wont be easy, but i think that we will be alright eventually.

    PEACE & LOVE!!

  114. Nicholas said

    @Marie – don’t count on being left alone after he finds someone else. Tasha’s found someone and she’s still feeling the need to contact me. BPD’S hate being ignored. It’s attention that makes them thrive, and without it, they’re nothing. No one has ever dumped her before, she’s ALWAYS done the dumping, and I think it’s driving her nuts that I won’t be hooked back in.

    • Marie said

      Nicholas,
      Very true but I am enjoying the silence. I do have a secret weapon, his parents. They call me regularly to see how I am from Colombia (we really took to each other) so if he’s bothering me I only have to tell them and they will tell him to leave me alone. I know eventually he’ll be back in person but I’m already too strong to be pulled back in. I have seen the light on the other side and have decided to love myself more than he ever will. Again, there are so many nice people out there and it’s so much fun going out and not worrying about being yelled at in public or having to protect his kids when they get yelled at or be told what I can and can’t do, eat etc. Getting out of jail after a long prison sentence must feel similar to this lol.
      I’m proud of you for being strong and blocking her emails. You are still in the fragile period….try to get out and see other women and have some fun. It helps quite a bit with your self esteem and shows you what you have been missing. Or spend plenty of time with positive and upbeat friends…you need to surround yourself with happiness after escaping the black hole of negativity. And of course keep posting here and leaning on us. There are so many wise people here and it helps so much to read what everyone has to say on every side.
      More hugs,
      Marie

  115. Nicholas said

    Thanks Maria. I am not at the stage where I can even contemplate going on dates. I’m actually really enjoying being single. At least I was, before I got that damn email. It seems as though I get to this point of feeling great, and somehow she picks up on it and wrecks it by contacting me. It’s warped how much it’s affected me. In fact, I feel like I’m back to the state I was in about a month ago. My councilor suggested I “unhook”. Easier said than done. I’ve figured out that it’s getting any sort of attention from her that does it. I was feeling so incredibly relieved up until Tuesday. I hate that she has this much effect on me. I just want to get to the stage where I don’t care anymore.

    • Marie said

      Nicholas,
      Being with friends or going out on dates really helps so much. You focus on meeting new people and presenting the best of you and spending time with good friends keeps you busy and hopefully focused on other things. I know it’s hard to trust again after what happened, however, there are warning signs to look for. I suggest the following might help:
      http://www.askmen.com/dating/curtsmith_100/139_dating_advice.html
      and also this song is great to listen to when you feel as if you might get pulled back in or are thinking too much about her!

      So, now, my friend, what you must be strong enough to do is not read emails, texts or answer the phone when she calls. She WILL be back for you just as the song says…you must remember the hell that life was with her and love yourself enough to know you deserve better. Please do your best to keep busy doing things to take your mind off of her and focus on yourself or other people. You WILL get to the point where you can’t be pulled back in and don’t care but it takes time. You were addicted to her like a drug…the highs, the lows and the sex…now you are adjusting to regular life. Lean on everyone and anyone you can but do your best to not think about her and wonder when she will be in touch again. If I can do it, you can too!
      Hugs,
      Marie

  116. Sammy C said

    @ L.V.X , You are so right my man I be got damn if I am going to ever accept responsibility for the things someone else did to me , especially if I sat on that ass holes couch and told her what type of woman I did and didn’t want in my life and she goes ahead with her evil plan anyhow….Fuck that jag off man., Man this world is off its rocker. I mean really to make any type of excuses for these people other than to say what turned them in to the demons that they are now was wrong but thats it. They are now the criminals , So I really don’t want to hear that Daddy used to have sex with me and my mother stood by and did nothing , while they look for victim after victim.., Its like me going into 7 eleven and robbing the guy then telling him in court that oh its your fault I robbed you. Naw I robbed you caused I am a low down stinking ass thief. And its the same with these BPD / NPD they do what they do cause they have perfected a low down stinking way of life . And don’t give a damn about no one but themselves.

  117. Sammy C said

    You know what the Sad , Sad part about all this is , I remember meeting this ass hole , and all the crap I went through , But for the life of me I really didn’t think it would take me this long to full dump her filthy memory from my mind…I met her December 10th 2010 its now Jan. 2013 , And I have just now came to grips with the fact that I put myself in great danger by having a loving, trusting heart. WOW . What a fool she made out of me. But more so , What a fool I made out of myself. For going home each night or day and making excuses for this devil bitch , I want every one here to hear this get a laugh , come on . I think what we need to do is to own up to some of the stupid things we did for love’s sake . Like I would never listen to my inner voice , One night I got so mad at her , I played the 70’s hit Evil woman on my phone and she just looked at it didn’t say a word , just looked at me as to say and now what…LOL

  118. Nicholas said

    What I want to know is, how come she gets to move on scot free? She’s in love with some other dude, and I can’t even imagine being in relationship without running for the hills. I was faithful and true the whole time we were together. She was not. Why am I paying?

    • jay said

      @nick, this has far more to do with her skills of seduction and manipulation. there is little reason to be envious or jealous of her or the new sucker.
      one of the reasons she is able to so easily detach as if it were a second nature, is that her entire life is torment and misery.
      so a small taste of heartache is like a drop in an ocean for her.

      you cannot make rational comparisons to a BP’s behavior, interpretations and emotions with that of a sane person.

      what we are dealing with here is nothing short of acute mental illness.

  119. jay said

    its good to hear that most of us are moving in the right direction and slowly but surely doing a lot better.
    personally, i have moments of frustration, embarrassment, confusion, anger, loneliness, resolve, etc…
    i go from asking my self, ‘why would i want to be with someone who could treat me so thoughtlessly and with such cruelty?’
    i can hear the wisdom and logic of loved ones who’ve been telling me this whole time ‘you deserve better. don’t ever accept abuse.’
    do not waste your feelings on those who do not value them.

    of course, i also have moments of weakness. these usually come in powerful waves of intense emotions. they can be triggered by good memories or songs or by just feeling alone and forlorn.

    i still wish i could connect with her because we had so many wonderful times together.

    we must remember, these people are not well. and this is not our fault. it is beyond our understanding or our help.

    i wish i could be close to my ex but i know that she is not capable of staying with me.

    even after seeing all that i’ve learned up to this point, i would trade every relationship i have ever had and all relationships i ever will have for another chance to be close to her.
    yes, i am in fact that weak and stupid and vulnerable to her seductive and manipulative charms.

    from other’s perspectives, many would consider myself fortunate that i do not have these options. but i tell you, she still swims in my veins and in my tears and there’s not a whole lot i can do about it.

    i’ve said before, i hate the idea of writing someone off as a lost cause. i hate the idea of putting someone in a category of
    ‘no contact!!’.
    i think that we all deserve some happiness in our lives. i hope that we can all find peace and love.

  120. L.V.X. said

    I can’t express how much I relate to you. However even that makes me despise being able to. And it makes me unfortunately believe I am weak for having felt what I was told I should, and having experienced what I have. You’re probably similar to me in that it actually has nothing to with her. It has to do with you. And know what it is, it’s that people treat you like you let them. But what’s worse, you get treated like they treat you because they choose to, and if you don’t accept their treatment, you get even worse treatmetnt for being abused.

    It’s the whole kicking a man while he’s down thing. That’s what is wrong with out society.Fuck them. Do what you want and don’t feel bad about doing it. They certainly are doing just that.

  121. L.V.X. said

    The worst thing is if you even admit any of this, you are treated worse.

  122. Nicholas said

    Thanks Jay. Once again my fellow dishers set me straight.
    That’s the thing. Somehow, I keep forgetting how messed up she is. There’s really no missing it, but she had me thoroughly convinced it was me who was messed up. I find it so hard to accept that she’s who she is.
    Anyway, your words set me back on the right path, so thanks! I really really appreciate all of you so much.

  123. jay said

    it has long been my intention to treat all others with kindness and respect. even my adversaries. i was never looking to make enemies. when i deeply care about someone or i end up falling in love, my love and devotion gets taken to astronomical levels.
    so i randomly end up meeting this beautiful, brilliant, funny, all around wonderful person and i can’t believe my luck.
    for one thing, i just feel like you never really find love if you are looking for it. it just has its way of finding you. usually when you are at your highest point individually regarding happiness, success, peace, prosperity etc.

    or course there are some significant red flags that i overlooked.
    and later on giant red flags. some that were among the most horrifying anecdotes i have ever heard in my life.
    this only made me feel compassion for her and i gave her the benefit of the doubt to a great extent..

    anyway, here’s this poor beautiful amazing woman right in front of me. a self described ‘high functioning alcoholic’. i would hear her talk about some of the worst abuse i’ve ever heard of.
    most of it from from family members or ex boyfriends. people who were supposed to love her.
    later on it would cross my mind that perhaps her perception was warped as much as anything and who knows what the other side of the story would be like if i were able to hear it.

    anyway, my first response is ‘oh my god!! that’s horrible!’
    ‘i swear i would never do anything like that to you!’
    lucky for me, i have many good friends that would vouch for me but what good is that to a paranoid, sick person who is incapable of trusting anyone.
    so, after hearing about her troubled past (understatement) and all the hardships she experienced, my senses of kindness and devotion go into overdrive. it is now my greatest desire to give her something she has never known before. undying love and respect and unlimited devotion.
    at one time she told me that since everyone who was supposed to have loved her had harmed her, she doesn’t really understand or recognize love. she is not sure if she’s ever been in love.

    all i want to do is take care of her, protect her, please her, look out for her, make her laugh, make her smile, just be good to her etc..

    but i really have no idea what i’m getting into here.
    who’s to say how much she is actually acting with sinister intent or that her soul is just so corrupted and poisoned from being raised in such a toxic environment.
    regardless, i am now completely at the mercy of a stage 9 succubus. i’ve fallen directly into her trap…. i am f—ed!!

    i guess you could put her into that ‘waif’ category, but she is no less dangerous than any other siren or emotional vampire.
    i try to reassure her time and time again that her perceptions are not true. that she is wrong when she says that she has no one etc.
    but there is no way to fill the hole inside of her. the void is infinitely bottomless. worst of all, this abyss of despair is her comfort zone.

    so she comes and goes. she splits me black or tells me ‘for your sake and mine, do not contact me anymore’. she comes back hysterically crying saying ‘you don’t deserve to have to deal with my issues’. i tell her everything is ok its alright. just calm down i promise you that i don’t think any less of you.

    one time i tried to tell her that her issues are insignificant when compared to how much i care about her.
    i still maintain that the amount i care about her is infinite and indescribable. but i was shortsighted regarding her issues.
    she hears her demons far louder than she can ever hear my love.
    for a long time i refused to accept this. i feel like i tried almost everything. i wish i could think of more ideas.
    the tragic conclusion is at this point i am split black.
    there’s nothing more i can do to help her let alone save her.

    what’s a little unusual about my story compared to many others on this blog is, our relationship was much shorter, and unlike most of the other stories, i do not at all want zero contact. in fact i still want her back 100%. even though i realize that that would be insane and almost certainly result in unending excruciating pain.
    i’m still incredibly angry with her for the way she treated me and what she put me thru. but i have this soft spot for her.
    when i could make her laugh or smile, there was no greater feeling for me.
    i may be slowly climbing out of this mess. its certainly so far away now at this point. nothing i can do about it.

    again.. speaking to what nick is saying; its far easier looking at someone else’s mess and saying cmon bro, snap out of it!
    than it is to recognize it from a first person point of view.

    someday, we will most likely learn from all this and find ourselves in a happier, healthier place. we will never forget.
    live goes on and the world keeps spinning.
    we are all living on borrowed time. the best that we can do is make the most of it.

    thank you everyone for this tripod of a support blog we have all stumbled onto. i hope that my ramblings are at least slightly or marginally helpful or enlightening to some.

    talk to you guys soon!
    one love!

    • Good Morning, I think I have found something that can help those non’s here that seek clarity in the things that your cluster-B ex has done to you. I think it will help the mind and souls of those in pain.I would challenge everyone here go listen to this song, its called To Be Forgiven,by George Micheal, please if you seek to know maybe what your Cluster- B ex wish She or he could bring erimself to tell you so you could then find some peace then listen to this. I think George Michael is narssictic at the least.

  124. Sammy C said

    @ everyone , I am going to go ahead and Post the Lyrics to the song “TO BE FORGIVEN”

    I’m going down , won’t you help me ?

    Save me from myself, I hear the sound of a memory

    Maybe time will tell

    Suddenly my life is like a river

    Taking me places I don’t want to go

    But like all good men who swim too well

    It takes all I have just to cry for help

    Then that voice in my head tells me, NO

    I’m going down , won’t you help me?

    Save me from myself , I look around for a fantasy

    Maybe, who can tell?

    Let me live my life beside the river

    Take me to place where a child can grow

    And then maybe, the boy inside will forsake me

    Maybe , the child in me will just let me go

    I’m going down , the cold, cold water is rushing in

    I’m going down , and I would beg to be forgiven

    If I knew my Sin

    Save me , Save me , Save Me!!

    I’m going down , I’m going down

    The End

    I Swear before god and twelve more white people , that if your or my BPD/NPD/ HPD , SPD ..or cluster-B could tell you anything it would sound something like this …BET?

  125. Sammy C said

    Ok the next time she ttys to hover you back , Via MATT tell her this , or if you don’t have the strength then play this song to her , I bet she run.

    Lyrics to” OLDER”

    I should have known
    It seemed too easy
    You were there
    And I was breathing blue

    Strange
    Don’t you think I’m looking older?
    But something good has happened to me
    Change is a Stranger
    You have yet to know

    Well you’re out of time
    I’m letting go
    You’ll be fine
    Well that much I know
    You’re out of time
    I’m letting go
    I’m not the man you want

    I should have known
    It seemed so easy
    You were there
    I thought I needed you

    Strange
    Don’t you think I’m looking older?
    But something good has happened to me
    Change is a stranger
    Who never seems to show

    Well you’re out of time
    I’m letting go
    You’ll be fine
    (or maybe you won’t)
    You’re out of time
    I’m letting go
    I’m not the man you want

    I should have never looked back in your direction
    I know that
    Just the same old fights again , baby
    These are wasted days without affection
    And I’m not that foolish anymore

    Pleaseee listen to this , It will help you , Hope it helps all us NON”S , Peace and Love

    Sammy C

  126. Sammy C said

    Its hard to let go , but all of us non’s here loved our Cluster-B’s more than life its self , me included , I thought I had finally found the one it was all a lie, Now we as a group must make awareness our goal , and Get over this false love , I know thats what I intend to do , no matter how much I have to forget and even if it means some tears , So be it She could never deal with a real man like me anyhow! So let the Jackals , and Hyenas have her , She’s the loser sooner or later , This much I am sure of unless she changes which I highly dought.

    • L.V.X. said

      In fact dispel the notion that BPD exists. It doesn’t. We had our hearts broken by women we loved. And the wrong women at that. And these women are no different those we’ll meet tomorrow, or who will come back to us today. We are humans. We have suffered tremendous pain. And we will of course find those who have too. I hope someone else makes a difference, so I don’t become yet another example. I’ve tried the seeing other people, I’ve done the no contact. I’ve been heart-broken before. I’ve experienced nothing like this. It has literally made me fucking handicapped. All because I know deep down I don’t even believe it should have. The most painful thing in my mind that repeats over and over again is the FIRST time she told me she loved me, two years into the relationship. 8/9? years into whatever our relationship was – sexual. And knowing that moment, I hesitated to say I love you back, because I didn’t believe she was telling it to me. Because I not once before that believed when she said it, because not once before had she said it first. So after months of preventing myself from saying it, hearing it, and then seeing her use the word love frequently after, I was actually hurt knowing this truly was the end. It’s so hard to explain. When I had a hard time saying I love you back, because Jay I feel like you do, I love her with all of my being, I felt scared to say it in response to her. IT was as if that defining moment marked the end of my belief in love. Goodnight. That’s how it was. I see what my role in it is, and was, but based on what I’ve researched it’s worse than what I am told, this is just how women are. So even every girl I was with before, in between, after, and now basically never again they are the same. Jay your words inspire great things but also profess how such won’t ever happen. It is us who are the losers. Because we’ve been told we are. Simultaneous to being told we’re loved. And that’s not even the beginning, But I wanted you to know that another person really does appreciate what you say and hears it and is grateful. You’re saving a life.

  127. jay said

    that’s nice of you to say man. at one point or another, i feel like i was trying to save a life. of course, it all started when i found myself fighting a losing battle trying to free an almost certainly doomed person from being lost in their own personal abyss.

    i’ve said it before but i very much enjoy reading your posts as well. i feel like i am mostly trying my best to express myself or relate to other people and get my points across.
    when i read your posts its almost like entering a trance. i feel like you are invoking spells and incantations. unlocking intense emotions with your expertise of language and metaphors while at the same time soothing them and providing focus to those who are shaken and troubled.

    i was never into school. i avoided it as much as i could until i could finally escape it forever. i really had no idea i was the least bit eloquent until i found myself getting into ridiculous arguments with your average internet trolls in places like yahoo articles or youtube comments.

    when i met my BP ex, it was on match.com… i first noticed her beautiful smile and then saw that her profile was far different from most of the other generic ones. she was funny. she was brilliant. and we also had a lot in common.
    turns out, i also completely overlooked the part where it said:
    smoking: yes but trying to quit.
    drinking: i’ll tell you later……….

    now i’ve known many addicts in my life but i have never really been this close to one. and that was just the tip of the black iceberg.
    anyway, she told me that one of the things that attracted her to me the most, was my writing. i mean sh!t, if i impressed her that much, maybe i really do have some skill.

    we wrote back and forth to each other like 40 times in the first 3 days. every exchange was like wow! this girl is awesome!

    she had told me that she had a broken foot and that if i didn’t mind getting to know the virtual her, we could take part in the devolution of communication and go down burning.
    i told her that was fine. i am probably even more comfortable with that because this online stuff can be so awkward.
    believe me, i wanted to take it as slow as possible.

    after about 30 or so emails, we finally inadvertently touch upon sensitive subjects in our life stories.
    we both dropped out of school.
    i was seriously injured in a car accident.
    my L3 and L4 vertebrae were completely destroyed and i had to be in a wheelchair for 2 years.
    her father is the oldest of 9 siblings and many of those siblings had died well before their time. specifically, one got hurt playing soccer and got addicted to pain killers…
    there are actually layers upon layers of detail about how far these hardships go back and how heartbreaking it is but if i wrote down all of it, i would be here for several hours and have an extremely long post.
    well, i guess i’ll write parts of it. her dad was born in lahore 5 years prior to the independence and partition of india. her grandfather converted to christianity in order to marry a woman he loved. this is kind of a dangerous part of the world to be a religious minority…
    now, i detest school and i’m somewhat of a stoner couch potato. she is supposedly this super academic bookworm genius. she probably could’ve gotten into very prestigious schools and possibly become a doctor or a senator.
    this never happened. instead, her family prevented her from attending out of the neighborhood advanced schools and could not intervene on her behalf when there were mistakes involving the credit she was supposed to have received.
    she was supposed to have been skipped ahead each year but was instead left back.
    i could put this into a category of sh!t happens but on top of this, she was abused more than anyone i have ever met in my life. i mean… i don’t really wanna talk about all that. sorry.
    …so she tells me, if it makes you feel any better, i’m a recovering alcoholic who is at this moment, quite drunk.
    she said something like ‘when i speak to my father about his brothers addiction, i tell him that i can hear those voices far louder than you ever could!’

    so there i am sitting in front of my computer dumbfounded.
    i’m trying to think of some way to respond but i know that i can’t possibly do justice to any possible response.

    i start typing a bunch of paragraphs but before i get half way through it, i get a message like “i’m sorry this was a mistake,
    i hope you find what you’re looking for, please be well.”

    i tell her, hang on, this might take a minute…
    so i end up telling her this true story that i had only just heard a couple years ago:

    my grandfather was the first american soldier to set foot on honshu (mainland japan) after the atomic bombs were dropped. he likely would have been in the first wave of operation downfall and more than likely would have been killed.
    so as much as i detest the whole idea of ever using a nuclear weapon against any living creature, my father, my brother, myself, etc. would never have been born without these events having taken place.
    there is hatred and destruction that is beyond my understanding. maybe i’m just an idiot masquerading as an intellectual. even as a mostly agnostic average shmo with a bit of an interest buddhism, i pray for peace and unity.

    i do my best to say its ok, its alright.
    i say we all have our issues. we are all to some extent damaged goods. we all have our baggage and sometimes we all think that our burden is the heaviest. i tell her that we can talk about how f—ed up we are for several hours or days even, but who wants to do that?

    this is when she tells me “if you are damaged goods, then i am beyond repair…”

    she tells me, give me a minute bro. i’m in a real f–ed up state of mind.

    eventually she writes back and says ‘i thought i was ready for this, obviously i’m not. my sh!ts a bit complicated. everyone’s is but if you can forgive me for my bullsh!t and my duchebaggery, i’d still like to stay in touch with you and remain friends.
    i like your views your humor and your sincerity. i don’t want you to disappear.’

    i told her that it was alright and that i already consider her my friend but i said, i gotta be honest with you; i really like you a lot and i hope that one day you change your mind.

    so there i am… i’ve known her (online) for less than 3 days and
    already there i go laying all my cards right out there on the table…

    anyway.. we keep talking about philosophy and politics and and government and video games and music and the 80’s
    etc etc.
    for a couple for days and we end up talking about school:

    i mentioned “books come from the devil, and tv is twice as fast!” she asks how did you get through school without reading.
    i told her, i didn’t.
    i say i love to learn by seeing, hearing, smelling, tasting, touching and doing.
    she says “baby, i will never hold it against you for forgoing the book and embracing the experience. i love to read because it has always been my strength.”
    i tell her, you know, sometimes i see that we’re both online at the same time and i wonder, should i just private message her or give her my number but i’m so shy of her hearing my stoner voice as i have screwed up many first encounters in the past with my lack of ability to converse well as well as my awkward social skills.
    she says “…i’m SO curious to hear your stoner voice!”

    eventually i’m like ‘you’re amazing! the more i talk to you, the more i want to see you and hear you etc..

    she asks, “what are you doing tonight?”

    now i didn’t know she was hammered at the time before she drove over to my house. when she got here i could smell whiskey on her and that should’ve been a giant red flag to most rational people but i was so excited to meet her and i could not resist. she also has quite a bit of tolerance for alcohol as you might imagine.

    she gave me this great big hug and a kiss. it wasn’t long before we were listening to stevie wonder and makin out on the couch.
    it wasn’t long after that before we were gettin down >:)
    and boy could she get down…

    she stayed over and went home the next afternoon.
    but she came back later that same day. this happened several times over the summer.

    she would grind her teeth in her sleep and sleep like a rock.
    there was no waking her up at all. i actually had this vision of her with screaming mouths where her eyes should be. like something out of a pink floyd cartoon.

    after i while, i became more and more concerned with her self destructive behavior. she was not a violent or hostile drunk by any means at all. if anything, she would go into this heartbreaking mode of self pity, and self deprecation.

    i would try to assure her what she was saying wasn’t true.
    i told her that i cared about her very much. i started to tell her that i didn’t want to see her hurt herself anymore and that if anything ever happened to her, i would be absolutely heartbroken.
    i told her that god forbid if she ever hurt anyone due to some kind of accident, she would never be able to live with herself and she would never be able to afford the penalties that come with these crimes.

    for the most part, all her pain was directed at herself and i thought that i was doing at least somewhat of an ok job at being there for her and comforting her.

    a couple weeks later.. we were just spooning on my bed listening to bob marley. everything was wonderful.
    i knew it was foolish, and i am still kicking myself to this day..
    i was about to go to japan in a few days to visit a friend.
    i had actually planed this trip long before we met.
    so for some reason, i felt like i should tell her the magic words.
    i told her i love you.
    she said, no you don’t…

    from that moment, everything turned upside down and chaotic.
    i had strayed into the perilous firing range of a severe alcoholic BP with post traumatic stress disorder.

    i was not yet split black but there was no stopping that now…

    so even though i’m able to look at nick and sammy’s stories etc. and explain that its not their fault, it is something well beyond our control. there are still times i kick myself for ruining everything.
    god, i miss her so f—ing much..

    i haven’t listened to that whole george michael album yet. but over the course of this relatioship; before, during and after, i sent her over a thousand songs to make her laugh or smile or just to express how i felt. that’s one of the things i’m good at.
    there are too many to mention right now. maybe after i let some other people get a few paragraphs in, i’ll share some of em…

    so just last night, i’m playing some dumb game on my cell phone, and some complete stranger (in the game) is talkin like
    ‘i’m so sick of all this. i don’t want to do it anymore…’
    idk what he/she is going thru. i don’t know anything about it.
    but we start talking a bit. something about a step mom etc.
    i don’t even know.. so i end up sending him like 80 or 90 of the same songs that i sent my ex.
    idk if it will help or not. but i know that they helped me.
    even though there are times when they trigger pain for me because i now associate them with my failed relationship.
    but my therapist told me this the other day:
    he was talking about the U2 live album ‘rattle and hum’.
    they’re about to play helter skelter and bono says
    “charles manson stole this song, and we’re gonna take it back!”

    we gotta f—ing take it back!! f— yea!!

    so nowadays i look back. i know that even before everything went to sh!t for me, this woman changed my life forever.
    now, there’s no doubt that she changed my life forever.
    its almost as if i have to begin a whole new lifetime for myself.

    let me see if i can get back to a topic sentence…
    years ago, i had this idea of writing a story. it was about this guy who was in the most loving wonderful romantic relationship he had ever dreamed of. but the reality was something very different. dreams are something sacred and dreaming is free. but it is important to not forsake life for a dream and i guess you could say vice versa.
    like that stevie wonder song ‘as’.
    “until we dream of life and life becomes a dream”.

    i suppose thats enough typing for now.
    hope that wasn’t too much for you guys.
    talk to you soon 🙂

  128. jay said

    back to something lvx was saying; idk man. i’ve never really given a sh!t about being a loser. at least not since junior high school.
    what do i give crap about what other people think about me as long as i enjoy living my life?
    so, sometimes i notice that its easy for me to identify with women and other people who could be described as nerds or geeks, closeted shut ins, or anti social, socially awkward people who might not have the highest self esteem.
    this girl would always say to me when i asked her have you seen godfather or terminator 2 or scarface etc. “i’m not cool!”.
    and if anything, i’d find that cute or endearing. to me she was incredibly cool.
    i never regarded self esteem as that important. but self loathing on the other hand.. well, that’s really a sign of much deeper problems.

    so anyway, in my experience, which isn’t all that extensive or more valuable than the next guy, i find that most women don’t really want to have sex all that often.
    the ones that do, have great difficulty giving you love and affection. more often than not, these are women with severe daddy issues or other emotional problems.

    if by some long shot, you manage to find a woman who would sleep with you and care about you, they will likely make you work yourself to death just to have the opportunity of getting close to them or would put you through hell once you finally get there.
    in short you could say they will always love themselves way more than anyone else.
    that’s why i feel like self esteem is over rated (even if i’m wrong).
    that’s why i feel like whenever i find someone special, i’ll always end up caring about them way more than they will care about me.

    so i end up taking up the role as “captain save a ho, the righteous”. being attracted to those lonely, damaged vulnerable girls. its not that i’m preying upon them. at least i hope not.
    and its not that i’m not also attracted to other healthier, more successful types. but the damaged ones are the ones that i connect with. they are the ones that we actually have genuinely good times in each others company and our lives are brighter together than they would be being apart.

    the problem is, even with those damaged girls, humans are always keeping their eyes open for something bigger, better and faster. if by some chance, once you manage to improve one of these girls’ self esteem, maybe now she feels like she can do better.
    personally i don’t give a damn about bigger better and faster.
    i only want somebody who is truly special to me.
    but what the f— do i know… i’ve read too many fairy tales and watched too many hollywood movies.

    a cynical friend may tell you, nobody stays together because of love. relationships are like business proposals. people only marry out of fear of dying alone.

    i suppose there are still a few hopeless romantics out there. but to find a pair that truly connect and are willing to stick together and always work things out through all the challenges, difficulties and hard times that live throws at you.. the odds of that ever happening are truly astronomical.
    sorry if this post is a bit depressing…

  129. Roman said

    Hey All,

    This site has been more than helpful in my last push to almost ‘full’ recovery from a BPD relationship. In the many months of my struggle to recovery, this is the FIRST time I actually sat down and wrote how I felt- . I put full in the sense that, now I can breath and actually KNOW and UNDERSTAND that I AM a GOOD PERSON. I am not the monster she has made me out to be. I can finally move on and if the thought of my relationship pops up in my mind, I won’t obsess, ruminate, and have imaginary conversations with my ex in which I am explaining to her how much she has hurt me. One thing for anyone who is in the early stages of picking themselves NEED to understand these few points:

    1. Their pathology WILL NOT let them admit that they were wrong. Seeking closure or an understanding of what just happened, why did she/he cut me off, why do they have a new somebody,etc. etc. is completely and utterly a waste of energy. Although, like myself, plenty of your time will be wasted in doing so but it comes with the burden that they left us. I must of read and visited 50 or more web sites about BPD relationships and I felt as if my ex-girlfriend dated all these men because our problems were almost identical. As if, my ex is the Santa Claus of BPD and she’s visiting + dating everyone LOL.

    2. Although this point will be hard to accept, I must note that these women DID NOT LOVE YOU whatsoever. I have more of an understanding about particle physics + quantum mechanics than a BPD does about love. They did not respect, care, or love you. Even if at times it seems as if you were on top of their world. It’s all an act. Perhaps, its in the BPD mentality to play out every relationship as some sort of soap opera from hell. (in my case, I went from “babe, I love you to Baby, I want your kids, Babe, if you have to go to graduate school in Washington I’ll move in with you- to “I hate you, I don’t really know you that well” to my ex (her abusive ex) would of never DONE THIS! —- ALL OF THIS in the course of a WEEK! and this all stemmed from the most minute things very small things but she just turned a mouse into an elephant.

    3. You cannot save them. The most important reason is because they do not want to be helped. Absolutely not. A BPD cannot even think about going through life if they cannot play the victim card, the helpless damsel in distress (or whatever other card they play). This is their core identity, primitive instincts will take over and kick you out.

    4. This is something that has bugged me for months after the break up and that is Closure. As I mentioned before, there is NO CLOSURE. This is hardest part and I suggest anyone who is going through this to understand this point from the beginning, work with yourself, and most importantly learn to forgive. It will be bittersweet. Bitter because the person you let in hurt you like no one else has and they will never even acknowledge that fact. On the contrary, YOU’RE a monster! I have flaws but YOU are bad! It’s YOUR fault (wash their hands clean and off they go, never to be seen or heard from again). But, It will be sweet because you will finally feel this inner peace, a sort of calmness from a long hard journey. This beautiful day will come but you need to know and accept the fact they will not apologize. Of course, there will be days in which your BPD ex will realize what they have done and just how FUCKED up they are however, they are so hardwired and are TERRIFIED to look at themselves that it’s much easier to blame everyone else. They WILL think about you and their past relationships when they are at their worst and realize “I fucked up, I cannot keep a relationship, I want love but it’s ME and MY behavior that prevent me from being loved” but that truth will be far too heavy to handle and so at the end of the day, it’s your fault. Live with it and move on. It’s their loss- 100%.

    5. A lot of BPD women have been through hell and back. Many of them coming from broken homes, victims of abuse, and similarly worse situations. This is what traps many men. However, relationships are and SHOULD NEVER be built on PITY and a urgent need of RESCUING. It’s that type of thinking that will get you royally screwed in the ass by a BPD down the road. The REAL problem is that, their past is not an excuse for such behavior. Yes, sometimes we all do certain things we cannot explain because of subconscious thinking. However, at 20+ years one has a firm grasp on what the hell they are doing. They may not understand or realize that what they have done is unacceptable the first few times but after the first 20-30 times and after 5+ relationships, THEY DO KNOW and UNDERSTAND WHAT THEY ARE DOING IS WRONG!!! but they continue.

    These are the most important points that I have learned during my struggle after the BPD tornado has left. Their past, problems, and even their abusive behavior will become the monster under your bed and it will be you and your thoughts alone that will keep you up late night. It’s misery. I was naive and I did not fully realize (like so many on here) the full extent of the craziness and shit storm that would follow. For anyone who has just started talking to a girl and has picked up many red flags, GET the fuck OUT!!!! RUN AWAY. Do not pity these women for they do not pity you! Good luck to all. If anyone would like to know more, reply back. I tried to keep this as short as possible. God speed! & excuse my language.

    • L.V.X. said

      I really want to thank you for this, and for Jay and Michael I think (don’t feel like scrolling up to check) posted above.

      I can relate very heavily to what Jay said however want to offer my version of said relation: I too find I am attracted to and see value in the ‘lesser’ humans. But I have never seen it from the lens of being a ‘captain save a ho’ as I’ve never intended on saving them from anything. I’ve only always wanted to treat them as if they were that thing society tells us is right, lucky, happy, good, attractive, etc…In other words, hearing about her abusive past, insanely abusive as far as I can tell, actually stems from a place of empathy. And that’s empathy regarding the fact that I too have endured an abusive past. I am seeing more and more just how “victimized” I’ve become in having been told I was a “victim” by those who complained I should “stop playing the victim” while they turned me into one.

      I am Scapegoat. Hello. And this extends to every aspect of my life. That is why I had empathy for experiencing what I believed was love with another who has been dealt an unwarranted amount of abuse as well. Because I felt an even stronger bond and connection with someone who convinced me such a thing were possible.

      The fact is that no one experiences love. No one believes in love. No one loves anyone. Love does not exist. I am not love. You do not deserve love, not because you’re actually undeserving of it, but because it is a “fairy tale” “romance”. It is something experienced as, and identified as not being real. Even Aleister Crowley is famous for saying the following: “Love is the Law,” however most forget the second portion: “Love is the Law: Love under Will: Do what Thou Wilt Shall be the Whole of the Law.” This is essentially the truth those of us like myself have not been OK with accepting. That Love is the Law we are to abide by, however the Love must be executed by our Will, based on Whatever we Desire.

      These women, as those who are paid to be in porn, do not only what they want but are expected to get what they want by any means necessary. All the while, both men and women, defend only women for anything they experience.

      I am coming to believe I am a Borderline Male or Narcissist. And it’s because I have been raised to be one. I know I am the victim when police are beating me while I am having siezures. Yet I know that because I am the victim for being beaten, only I am “responsible” for having had siezures and been beaten.

      This entire world is capable of enacting right and just and well-intentioned things. However it doesn’t. Why? Because those who want there to be any experiential harmony beyond the fabrication of the spheres, or outside the realm of Pythagorean Scales, desire said harmony because they witness, are capable of acknowledging, and experience dischord.

      Only those who have been attacked are given ‘methods’ to ‘overcome’ the ‘trauma’ they ‘endured’. Semiotically, we have designed a language, whereby we are prescribed with dividing terminology, and given ‘reason’ through the grammar which we expect proves it has that.

      To my point: none of you are victims. This world is shit. It is shit. And until you experience just how large of a shit you’ve been told to have dumped on you, you won’t understand where myself, or many others are coming from.

      I think this is why it is not uncommon for young men to believe they are Jesus Christ. It’s because we are told I am.

      Let me rephrase that: it is no wonder that those who are crucified because they were commanded to carry their cross end up being the only ones worthy of experientially suffering the cross-bearing they are told is of their Nature.

      Heliogabalus, or the Sun King, I believe a Roman Emperor, google it for fact checks, was notorious. He was like Caligula. However, unlike Caligula who was absolutely, terrifyingly Dionysian beyond belief, as documented and reported, Heliogabalus even had a mentality I respect, despite his profound immorality. He would pretend he was a laymen and frequent whores. He would treat the whores like they were princesses. Giving them gold, lavishing them with gifts, offering them love and safety. And he would treat his dignitaries, or the women he was supposed to be with, like whores.

      I know it comes off as wrong, almost debasing my point, but that insane man, who kept a scarlet rope on hand in case he wished to die, and was assassinated by family, even in his offered royalty, high class position, did he go out of his way to be an example of the lifestyle he was born into, and to make it something to not only scoff at, but despise to the point of murder.

      But, even then, he still wanted to offer the lowliest of unfortunates the life he had been given, which he knew all should experience.

      I hold that view: everyone deserves to be happy and enjoy themselves. Because of that, which further has been provoked because I’ve had to find Reason to what Madness I know is all around me, I have been persecuted. And, worse, used by those who convinced me I was being treated as I treated not only them, but everyone.

      It’s as if the only thing that I have left, being loved, that idea, it has been shattered, and exposed for what it is.

      It does not matter what I do, but if “I” see what I’m doing as enjoyable and good, “I” will be happy.

      So it’s all literally beyond “us”.

      There are a largely dwindling number of people who are not happy about the fact that in order to be so, they have to accept whatever anyone else wants to do, has done, and will do to them. And worse, in my mind, is the fact that sluts are now whores which are now simply women.

      I can’t express to you how much I hate women now, because of her. And men because of what they put up with for women. And myself for having attempted to, twice, buy into it.

      People need to wake up. But they won’t, so you better find a way to go to sleep.

      I’ve always been sought out by the broken, yet more than that, I’ve been told while being broken by them that I need to be fixed. It’s as if once they experience a single infraction, suddenly I am worth their time, in fact perhaps even deserving of the “love” they give me. However, once I make them happy because I offer them pure love, I can guarentee they will have already, by then, moved on to the “better” thing.

      There is no better thing. This is all a facade. Even your own thoughts and experiences. None of it is real.

      It is fleeting, it is fabricated, it is geared into your gridded (matrice of thought experience), tripartite and mashed up brain that it is so. It is taught that A is in fact not Aleph which is not Ahhh so don’t be such a “Jew”. I can relate with the Niggers and Kikes and Cunts of this world because I know they never existed.

      Beyond the labels however, their is a reality to our experience that is unquestionable, and should never be denied by any of us. We were doing what was right. And if you do what is right, you will, I promise you, be met with opposition. And that opposition will most likely come in the form as deception. And if you point out that deception, you will prove to those who lie to you that you deserve it. This world is coincidentia oppositorum.

      I have spent 8 years trying to destroy my brain. Drugs. Alcohol. Women. Even considered joining the military to have their seemingly effective brainwashing work on me. Scary to think I could, and I could be an Officer by virtue of my studies.

      But my point is, no matter how hard I try to kill that thing inside of me that knows what is right and what is wrong, and no matter what I experience or do which proves what is right is right is wrong, I am that being becoming the debasement of myself based on the need others seem to have to ensure I am who takes what punishment I deserve for having been attacked, manipulated, gaslighted, blindsided, assaulted, denied, and dejected because it’s my “fault” for being such a thing.

      I read even the stories above with a certain disgust for knowing them to be true. Chances are, if you actually are doing what is right, everyone will find a way to not only do what is wrong, but make you a negatively treated and labeled individual for having not been the fish who swam in line.

      Even in gradeschool I remember being scolded for making children cry because I questioned the religion teacher about G-d, and pointed out It can not exist. And then told I am wrong, and punished for going against the “curriculum”.

      School is a joke. People are a joke. This world is a joke. We are parasites. We feed off opposite energies. But more often we are drained by those who feed more than they know they should.

      It’s no joke actually. It’s not funny. It is seriously damaging. Those of us who are strongest, and of the most capable minds, have the most potential, and share a unique conception of morality and ethics – based on, beyond observance, experiential databases of phenomena – are the most likely to be pushed into a corner and attacked by the mob who put us there.

      It’s always when we’re proven right that we’re made out to be wrong, for types like myself.

      I have done some terrible things in my life, I won’t lie. And I had to get drunk to do them. And know what? I was rewarded and applauded for having done so.

      My only problem is that I will never be loved. I am unloveable. And I disagree with the comment above that I am. I never have been. I never will be. And I know, if you tell me you love me, you are the LAST person I can trust with said love.

      Women are largely the cause for this right now. And it’s not unique to history. Now we just have a more Jungian culture with laughable praxis based on a Freudian notion. But Time has proven, tales have evidenced, structures of narratives, Biblical and non, from Tales of Beelzebub to mentioning Ba’al, to the current understanding of Nietzschean reality or Schoppenhaur, our world is one of Sade. The Marquis de Sade. 120 Days of Sodom. i.e., 50 Shades of Grey.

      And I fucking will be my life on it, chances are if you are someone who actually has good intentions, radiates goodness, you will attract those who are of an Evil orientation.

      And it will attract you. Because they will be attractive. They have what you are incapable of having: the ability to do anything they want, and get away with it.

      But, that is how humans are. It’s not as if Prisons prevent those who go to them from being there. It’s not as if waterboarding a terrorist who becomes an innocent is accepted as OK. It’s that it happens. It happens because we let it happen.

      We even let ourselves be walked on by family, friends, government, etc…As we are told as a whole to man up and other cliche bullshit.

      And what’s weird is the only thing, literally, the only thing that humans need, want, care about, desire, seek out, actively look for and participate in: love: is the only thing this world can not offer.

      Because those who are likely to get it, have it, and won’t give it. And those who aren’t given it are likely rejected for it.

      These women, in Roman times, deservedly would be executed, punishable by death.

      What they have done to us, psychologically, physically, verbally, mentally, excessively, intensively focused, expressively, and actively chosen to do to us, and to make us aware of it, and to be OK with the fact they did it, and in fact be rewarded with other mens (interchange gender terms for anything I say, but for me I know it’s largely women who are guilty) offering a helping hand (like I’m sure we have, however I would say helping is wrong term, white knight is wrong term, etc…because we just did what came natural as they TOOK from us what we OFFERED and REWARDED us while we did so for having done it, while blaming us on top of it for what they did and how we shouldn’t give give give so when we stop giving we’re told we need to be taken from without their asking etc…it’s a loop, it’s a circle, it’s the dance of the dragonfly, the march of the woman roaring.

      I sound insane. I am insane. I am abso-fucking-lutely insane. I am batshit crazy. I am the last thing you actually want to confront, because I will show you what is. And I am what I am as I am. That scares people. Being who you are and being ok with it.

      I want that cunt and every fuck that has treated me as they did to feel the pain I have. And knowing they won’t ever experience such pain makes me know and understand even more fully how wrong it is for me to want them to.

      It goes full circle. I can’t be OK with experiencing this. It is not OK. I am having a manic break, and I fucking know why. And I know that reason will prevent me from getting what thing others have. I have seen love and felt it and heard it and listened to it and loved it and treated it with love. That was because I stopped being so scared and let myself believe in love. That was the biggest mistake I have ever made. Two times now. Or actually three, I should say.

      If you’re a woman who has been with a BPD, I can say, as I now believe I am BPD, the only thing you could do to make them get better, is not find a reason to do what you will: leave them. I have only left women mutually or when I found out something that compromised me. But for some reason, women who have been with me, or even who are with me, find reason, any fucking reason, to go to someone else. And always one that is purposefully thrown in my face int he worst way, and then fucking come back after it’s done expecting I “love” them still.

      I can’t escape the fact that I actually do love them. That is the worst part. I love them because I understand their suffering.

      I hope I remove myself from the internet soon. I am checking myself in tomorrow. My brain doesn’t work. I sit here and type and watch as I see myself doing this and saying these things and I can barely even believe them. It’s like I’m a passenger in my own vehicle, which is driving down a road to nowhere, that doesn’t even have someone on the wheel, yet is still moving. I am that thing behind my eyes, that spark inside my brain, this something that is witnessing what shouldn’t happen, what shouldn’t be done to anyone, I have detached, I am disassociated.

      And it’s beyond all the abuse I’ve taken from not only “BPD ex gf” but family, friends, police, classmates, parents, teachers, role models, etc…

      For anyone who tells me to man up, I’d like to ask if you’re entitled to. Beyond BPD I’ve experienced a tremendous amount of shit. And I know my role in it. And I have ALWAYS been the only person I know, meet, am introduced to, befriend, etc…that has manned up.

      I can’t anymore, so maybe the world and humans are right and I am wrong, I just need to be like them. I need to not “take the abuse” but instead accept “that’s life!”.

      Fuck women, I have to learn to be ok with doing just that. And certainly never again giving them any fucking hint of love. Because when I have it’s turned into excuses for their behavior.

      I am going fucking crazy but don’t take all of this as if it’s how I act, believe, am will be etc… but as a phase or stage I am going through during this process of having to accept what I’ve let happen. And did so with a smile on my face or love in my heart. That’s what’s wrong with me. It’s obvious in my writing and lately what I’ve written I’ve lost all lucid ability.

      I just want someone to know there is a reason for that. And it isn’t right. And furthermore I am not saying I am right, I am telling you I KNOW I am right. But I’m just a person like the rest of you, here, on earth, where we never asked to be put, trying to figure this shit out. So please can someone treat me like I am here too. I am alone. And this isn’t a cry for help or whatever other shit you’ll label it as, I am serious, people need to wake the fuck up and start treating others like they exist. I don’t care if you have a mercedes benz or a geo, if your tits are a b or a c, now I just want humans in general to look me in the eye and acknowledge me too. To listen to what I say. To not berate me behind my back or even better to not fucking berate me in front of me. It just reflects on yourself. This is not directed at anyone here, but is an open letter to the universe. This is the battle royale spoken of in Ellis’ novel, experienced by a young white male.

      I can’t speak up, I don’t even know how to elucidate myself anymore because of this. And I know this will even make me look crazier. It’s like my own words are taken by people as if they were a key to hide and then tell me I should be fucking left alone for losing it. Then in finding it where I put it, after they put the key back, I am treated like a loser for having been turned into a joke. So to laugh about it.

      Fuck it I will send this. Anyway the guy above me was right. Thanks for listening anyone. I am done, rock bottom. Time to go up. I know who I am in here, somewhere, and I can type like a fucking machine apparently, but that person is hiding because of whatever has been going on. I actually feel I have a soul for the first time.

      • Was Confused said

        Why does our spirit need to be broken by others so they can prove we need to fix it?

        No where can one find Up when Down is where they are directed.

        Fuck – this Act.

        Even a point: ‘.’ .

        – Does not exist. Futile engagements with the beast evoke our own.

        If you have been with a BPD I doubt you aren’t that very thing itself. Of weren’t. Or won’t become it. But I guess as a non the only difference is you know you loved them and believed they loved you. That is so fucking depressing to accept.

        Imagine that: we are the problem. Because we were rewarded by them and told by them and treated by them as if we weren’t.

        She was the yang to your yin. That’s why you’ve spun round full circle again.

  130. jay said

    well you’ve managed to upstage me once again.. i’m kidding of course. still you are quite adept at conveying all this pain.
    there’s a lot of stuff up there… i don’t really even know where to start. i hope that you can manage to breath and become calm.

    most of my knowledge or wisdom is collected from random bullsh!t i’ve seen in movies or on tv or stuff that other people told me. i have an above average long term memory and a sh!t short term memory.
    it has been suggested that many people of remarkably high intelligence become crazy. the human mind is powerful and the mind simply cannot handle itself.

    i wish i were capable of more help. the best i can do is recycle and regurgitate stuff that sounded wise to me when i heard it.
    its probably a good idea to seek out professional help.
    it is sad that help such as psychotherapy and rehab costs a fortune. there’s really not a whole lot of options when it comes to this kind of pain and potential breakdowns.

    sometimes i wonder if going off to a naturally peaceful and quiet secluded place is the solution i need. maybe a tropical paradise or a tibetan monastery.
    but i think you can go crazy for being in the woods all by yourself for too long just as much as you can go crazy being in the city for too long.
    “the shwartz is in YOU lonestar!”

    i recall a conversation i had with an old girlfriend. we were tripping balls on acid at the time and it was at this point that these other two acid heads started telling me about the astral plane and the creator and all kinds of pseudo spiritual stuff that i had not until that point associated with LSD.
    of course, it is incredibly deep and difficult to explain. i wonder if i should even attempt to explain any of it..
    anyway, after hours of what started out as a wonderful trip, i found myself holding onto somewhat of a buddhist logic that had to do with all things having balance as far as positive and negative. my girlfriend was now beginning to explore more of this rastafarian style of thinking of i and i. all things are positive and must be so. positive is all things that are. negative is all things that are not.
    forgive me if my terminology is off or inaccurate.
    the two older guys kind of felt that i was giving them a hard time or that i wasn’t ready. there is this practice of simply knowing.
    in a sense, this means speaking in language that is only positive.

    (this means there is no no, can’t, don’t, not, without, un-, dis-, im-,
    re-, etc. and also no questioning. why, how, where, when? etc.)

    i suppose it sounds an awful lot like a cult to many of you i’m sure.
    that may not be far from the truth but it all depends on the motives.
    so it can be difficult for someone who questions everything to accept all this right off the bat.
    what did sink in was the idea that language is just symbols and you can communicate far more with another person with eye contact than you could with words.
    i could now explore more of these ideas that were new to me.

    still, there’s always been something interesting to me about buddhism something unique that i’m sure is interesting to many people. that it is far more a philosophy than a religion. a buddhist does not necessarily worship a deity.
    where as among people with this i’ll just call it rastafarian perspective, EVERYONE IS GOD.
    quite a bit for a 17 year old kid to wrap his head around when he’s tripping his face off.

    man.. what a tangent i went off on there…
    point i was getting at was, i was almost having an argument with my girlfriend which was, should we strive for balance and harmony? or all things to be positive.

    i used to think, without darkness, light can not shine. without light, there are no shadows. now i had very new ideas worth considering.

    i probably can’t address everything LVX just talked about.
    i just hope your alright bro. i know i was just as heartbroken watching my BP ex go through her pain as i was over ultimately losing the relationship.

    what can i say about love that much wiser people than myself haven’t said already?
    should i challenge you? should i say that you’re wrong?

    its like challenging someone’s belief in god. it cannot be proven or disproven. would you call me crazy if i told you that i have seen proof?
    i’m agnostic, close to atheist and i’ve experienced proof.
    but i’m not here to preach. i’d much rather listen to
    george carlin than any religious person even if its
    mother terresa or johnny cash.
    but as far as love. you can say that you love french fries. mothers can say without question that they love their children.
    scientists could equate love to a chemical reaction in ones brain not unlike eating large amounts of chocolate.

    i believe in love. it might just be the only thing and last thing that i will ever believe in.
    i am the hopeless romantic and i would have sympathy for even the devil himself.

    maybe you’ve seen that kevin smith movie ‘dogma’.
    chris rock’s character talks about ‘i think its better to have an idea than a belief’. ideas you can change.
    having a belief system however.. well its not that simple.
    look at how many people all over the world kill each other over their own belief systems.
    no matter how hard i tried to convince my BP ex that what she believed was wrong, i was incapable of convincing her.

    i am extremely fortunate to have had a relatively loving family.
    a decent upbringing and some warm shelter.

    i’m trying real hard to be the shepherd but it is something that i am less than adequately equipped to do.
    i must be some kind of arrogant D-bag to even entertain the thought.

    so i’m contradicting myself now as much as you have.
    we know that love exists but it is an idea. it is what some call life’s greatest reward but it is also intangible.

    my heart is in great pain for you. a complete stranger that i’ve never met in my life. yet at the same time, i am comforted
    by a sense of comradery knowing that others are out there that can understand the pain i’ve experienced.
    misery loves company perhaps.
    however i go back to this point that is somewhat related to all my experience with acid. “the shartz is in YOU lonestar!”

    lsd can take emotions you are feeling and multiply them exponentially.

    one man says ‘you are always alone’.
    one man says ‘you are never alone’.
    which one is correct?

    is the glass half empty or half full?

    this girl told me, ‘keep in mind when you pass judgement on me, you do it from a very comfortable place’.
    it was not my intention to judge people.
    it would be shortsighted and unfair for me to say i understand what you’re going through. i do not. i can’t even imagine it.
    i was only slightly grazed by this pain which she experiences constantly every day.

    i’ve always kind of embraced my own craziness as something that was part of my identity. i wouldn’t necessarily say that i’ve steered into it. but maybe i should’ve been more careful. maybe this is part of what scared off the batsh!t crazy woman i love.
    maybe its part of what attracted her to me in the first place.

    it seems that its far easier to share wisdom with others than it is to take your own advice.

    i find i’m far better at just rambling on and on than forming anything resembling any kind of structure.

    blah blah blah insert decartes quote ______.
    blah blah i saw this in a movie once _______.
    this following song is awesome ________.

    can you imagine what my poor crazy gf was thinking reading emails from me like this? oh man…

    she is a philosophy major who is passionate about
    friedrich neitzsche and emmanuel kant.
    she said she had a big hippy phase in high school but she had a big skull tattoo on her shoulder. she was into megadeth and maiden etc.
    my friends and i all got guitars when we were 13 and learned how to play every metallica song.
    my hippy phase came later and you could say that i’m still in it.

    i’ve always looked at metalheads and hippies as sort of like cousins. both outcasts but on opposite sides of the spectrum.

    another tangent i know. i apologize for being all over the place.

    lets try to get back to talking about love.
    …all you need…all that matters.

    i remember jerry springer of all people saying, “love is selfish”.
    well damn! i thought, this mofo is actually pretty spot on.

    it can consume us. it can make some of the wisest, most brilliant people act like immature childish fools.

    nobody and nothing can possibly hurt us as much as those we love.

    i can talk about the 4 noble truths of buddhism:
    the most well known being ‘existence is suffering’.
    we already established what we all desire most.
    the beatles told us that we cannot buy it.

    if i keep rambling i’m bound to end up repeating myself.
    i’m not THAT knowledgeable. and i’m not as eloquent as i would hope to be.

    i really hope that you can find help dude. whether that be therapy or something else. i hope that you can find some peace of mind.

    i mean no disrespect but it sounds very much like you’ve descended into a very dark place that i can’t pull you out of and i feel almost like i was feeling 6 months ago.

    i probably misunderstood at least a couple of things you were saying but i just want to say, let go of hatred.
    hate is far more destructive to those who hate than it is to those who are hated. and do whatever you can to avoid prejudice.
    i definitely have had frustrations with women as much as the next guy. i also detest cops. i can’t even make a good argument as to why you shouldn’t hate them.
    only that they are still humans like you and me.
    and humans are animals.

    i’m sorry if i sound like an a-hole at this point. i think that i’ve reached my limit and have been surpassed as far as my writing on this blog. i wonder if i’m almost egging you on or not giving you a chance to let it go.
    maybe we were doing a little better last week and have had a bit of a setback.

    i’ll try to wrap this up… like i’ve said, i sent that girl over a thousand songs. i have tons of em in my head.
    i’m a little apprehensive about posting my email on here but maybe i’ll just create a new email just for this.
    then i can just easily forward everything instead of re-collecting it all.

    but for now, here are a couple of the less obscure tunes for lvx because i can tell he’s suffering.

    colin haye, beautiful world

    and
    CSNY, woodstock

    there are literally thousands of other songs i want to send but i’ve already taken up several pages of this blog over the last few days.

    music is its own reward. it is one of the only things that remains effective at affecting us even in our most difficult times.

    hang in there everybody. peace love and happiness has not disappeared from the world completely.

    talk to you soon

  131. L.V.X. said

    Please delete the previous posts of mine. I clearly have lost it. Thanks.

  132. Matt said

    Another great song that everyone here can relate to is “jimmy nail, ain’t no doubt” was listening to it at work never really paid attention to the lyrics till tonight and it sounds just like going through a break up with a exBPD. Great song too!

    Send “Ain’t No Doubt” Ringtone to your cell
    She says, “It’s not you, it’s me
    I need a little time, a little space
    A place to find myself again, you know”
    Oh yeah, I know a goodbye when I hear it
    She smiles but her heart’s already out there
    Walking down the street

    She says
    “I don’t want nobody else, I love you”
    She’s lying
    “There won’t be somebody else and that’s true”
    She’s lying
    “Say you’ll always be my friend, sweet darling”
    Why does she pretend?

    Ain’t no doubt, it’ plain to see
    A woman like you’s no good for me
    Your heart beating at another door
    I’m a damned fool for to ask for more

    She says, “It’s like in a song, remember
    If you love someone, set them free”
    Well, that’s how it is for me and then she kisses me
    And somewhere I hear a door slam, so I say, “Fine”
    And just hope that I’m a better liar than she is

    She says
    “I don’t want nobody else, I love you”
    She’s lying
    “There won’t be somebody else and that’s true”
    She’s lying
    “Say you’ll always be my friend, sweet darling”
    Why does she pretend?

    Ain’t no doubt, it’ plain to see
    A woman like you’s no good for me
    Your heart beating at another door
    I’m a damned fool for to ask for more

    Ain’t no doubt, it’ plain to see
    A woman like you’s no good for me
    Your heart beating at another door
    I’m a damned fool for to ask for more

    “I don’t want nobody else, I love you”
    She’s lying
    “There won’t be somebody else and that’s true”
    She’s lying
    “Say you’ll always be my friend, sweet darling”
    Why does she pretend?

    Ain’t no doubt, it’ plain to see
    A woman like you’s no good for me
    Your heart beating at another door
    I’m a damned fool for to ask for more

    Ain’t no doubt, it’ plain to see
    A woman like you’s no good for me
    Your heart beating at another door
    I’m a damned fool for to ask for more

    Ain’t no doubt, it’ plain to see
    A woman like you’s no good for me
    Your heart beating at another door
    I’m a damned fool for to ask for more

  133. broken said

    Hi, I just went out of a relationship with my girlfriend and for the last 3 month’s I couldn’t understand what the hell

    happened and who I was in a relationship with and why for the past 5 years…
    Let me start at the end, after living together for past 4.5 years my gf got a job in another town, we worked at the same

    company so I also decided to go but I had to wait for 2 more months because I was still needed at my present place.
    Don’t get me wrong i had my doubts about her for years,I wanted to leave her to but i simply couldn’t believe that this is

    who she was.We went exactly trough these first 3 steps 100%, but we did it over and over again…(I wish I read it

    earlier..):

    http://www.sarahtateauthor.com/cluster-b's.html

    At first I couldn’t believe what a wonderful woman i have found, caring and loving and a great lover.
    She was my everything and I was hers.
    She had a hard life, everyone did harm to her but she never harmed anyone, all her boyfriends cheated on her but she never

    cheated on them, she was sad and wonderfull person that just needed little help and love to be great, and the person to give

    it was me!
    She told me that she was sexualy (one occasion), phisically and verbally (whole childhood) molested as a young girl.
    She had an abusive (BPD/NPD?) mother and father alcoholic.
    I realised that she had deep emotional scars and that is why when I did see red flags all over the place I simply ignored

    them, I had to help this woman, I loved her and wanted her to feel loved and person who suffered so much in life would never

    do harm to someone that she claimed was the love of her life, right?Well wrong…

    She was very clingy to a point that I couldn’t spend any time for my self, it was all about her and what she wanted to do

    and when all her wishes couldn’t be satisfied it was hell..anger, than tears, hate, than love…mess…

    I realised that she needed a lot of loving and caring, I allways had to be there for her but there were episodes when this

    fragile woman would become emotionally cold ice queen and I had no idea what have I done to her but she would call our

    mutual friends and make accusations that I were beeing abusive to her?!?!!?She told lies to everyone about me for years and

    some have surfaced just in the past few months.

    I found out that she did cheat on her previous boyfriend(s); she created a web of lies (there was a lot of lies about

    everything but still couldn’t believe it..), but she would get lost in it, she would forget what she previously told me and

    would change the story over and over again..until I confronted her, there was a fight but she admited she did it…
    But it wasn’t her fault (oh my..)and like it was never her fault, at nothing, from her storys she never did anything wrong,

    ever, she regreted nothing and she had justification for all her actions (often these justifications came with huge amount

    of tears..)

    Rationally I knew that something was wrong and that I had to run as fast as I can away but…i didn’t, I wanted to leave her

    but couldn’t…I think that is because of duality in her, i coulden’t figure out who she relly was; loving woman with whom I

    had the best time of my life or this other thing, that acted irrational, insane, emotionless…

    We are 5 years together now, we do every thing together (I’ve lost most of my friends by now but I tried to bring them back

    some of them for the two last years..) but the doubt becomes bigger and bigger.
    And then the transfer came…she realised that I wasn’t the same anymore and had my doubts about going to other town with

    her(actually I wanted to leave her) and then it was love, unamaginable love like never before…

    When she moved, it was step one (from the link above) all over again, love and passion every time I came to see her for a

    weekend or something, I fell for her again.We would talk over phone or skype and she kept telling me that i saved her, that

    she will always love me that she will be lost again if I left her, she can’t wait to see me again I was the true love of her

    life, I was more in love than ever, she told me that I saved her from her hell and we were planing future life together… and

    than BAM!
    She stopped answering my calls and would always call me back at her convenience, she would say I love you, everything is ok

    but can’t talk right now, and it went on for 4,5 days and than she said in cold blood, I cheated on you…no regrets, no

    remorse, no anything, not even explination, nothing…afther 5 days i phoned her an asked Why???How???I was in a state of complete shock.
    My first thought was that she must have been raped (yes I know I am an idiot..)it was the only solution because no way that

    this wonderfull woman, my soul mate who loved me so much, (she was writing poems about me?!?!?!)would do this….
    But she said it just happened, no remorse, no guilt no explinations…than I found out about abandoment issues and what they trigger…

    But what schocked me most was not even the cheating part, it was that cold, sadistic voice that laughed at me, that wanted

    me to suffer, that enjoyed in that that I was hurt and that she moved on…and then couple of days ago she phoned me again

    and like nothing happened wanted to talk to me and again and she was “poor little her” all over again…I just hanged up the phone…

    This is my “short” story still picking up fragments of my life..

    • broken said

      This blog helped me finally get some answers I couldn’t get from my ex, and some understanding of situatiaon that relly helped me get some sanity back..

      P.S.Sorry for spelling, english is not my native language.

  134. Nicholas said

    Well guys its been well over a year since i split from my ex G/F after been together for 4,5 years we also have a daughter together. I have moved on and have now sympathy for her because lets not forget thats it is a mental illness and can never be fully cured. She also has a new boyfriend but how can you warn him about her especially when we know how blind with lover we were at that beginning and not too forget that i dont even know the poor guy. He will sadly have too go through the same hell and emotional struggle like we have endured. Then we will welcome into our club. I still find it so extraordinary that regardless where we are on this earth that the stories are basically all the same. Anyway time heals our wounds and all we can do is help each other and if we have the chance warn other people for falling for these ill people, if they dont listen then they have to go through the same hell as we have.

  135. deep east said

    Maaaan!!!! I’m in a relationship with one now, I have 3 kids by her, she tells her family friends & co-workers all kinds of lies against me, my main issue are my kids though, I know if I leave her she’s going to be even more reckless than she already is, because she craves attention. This would have her leaving my kids behind with whomever. It’s a cold fucked up situation.

  136. Myko said

    This ex of mine would always say this… I dont like feeling .. because she couldnt control and regulate her feelings.. When I would ask her to explaine why she wouldn’t do or have feelings , her response would be fellings create these situations …. Could be a smell. Sound. Person. Situation. All those create feelings….. Never really thought about it until she broke up with me and wanted to remain friends . cause she knew I cared about her .. but her feelings for me had dissipated , and she would also say that she looked at sex a lot differently than most girls.. She even used a good friend of hers this poor unsuspecting guy, she was childhood friends with, she asked him to have sex with her so she could figure out if she had any feelings for her boyfriend that she had been dating for about 5 months .. cause she met this new guy on the street and he approached her and they talked and she really liked him, but didn’t know what sort of feelings she had for this new guy.. and she didn’t want to blow it with her boyfriend.. So she asked her friend to have sex with her.. To see if it would bother her that she had sex with someone, other than her boyfriend. And this poor guy has been In love with her ever since.. Now please tell me .. Is this irrational thinkin,manipulative, or just flat out bpd.

    • Myko said

      My ex bpd .. Recently e-mailed me telling me she was having a baby .. With this guy she only met 3 months ago .. They’re both into drugs and out of work living with his mom.. I didn’t respond .. Wasn’t going to fall into her drama/ attention trap .. Now I’ve come to find out from a friend .. She lost the baby .. In a way .. If its true .. It’s a good thing .. Cause of the hardcore drugs.. That poor baby would have never had a chance..

  137. jay said

    who knows man.. most of us aren’t professionals and couldn’t diagnose for ourselves. but in my experience, sex is to a great extent purely recreational for these women.
    its also one of the only ways they’re capable of expressing true emotions.
    this makes it a very seductive, difficult to deal with tricky sticky trap for us, their partners because they are so effing good at screwing.
    they’ve likely had tons of experience starting from a young age, they are unbelievably wild and passionate. affectionate and sensuous.
    so for us, that shit rocks our world. right up there with the best sex we’ve ever had. we’re hooked from that point on.
    i know that i still am and i haven’t seen my ex in several months.

    • Myko said

      Yup.. Your right .. This one started out very young at sex .. Is now 22 and already had 23 sexuall partners.. and is into drugs as well .

  138. nickheather said

    Considering she has a boyfriend, that’s SUPREMELY fucked up.
    The easiest way to spot a BPD woman, is that they’re a total asshole, and have no regard for anyone else’s feelings. At all. Ever. They might pretend they do, but they really don’t. All they know is causing others pain because it’s suffering and drama that makes them feel alive. And sex, because the intensity of sex hooks us to them, and makes them feel safer, like we won’t abandon them.
    I’d stay far away from this black hole bitch, before she sucks you back in.
    Good luck.

    • Myko said

      Thanks nick heather .. All ready have .. Been and continue to stay away from this crazy ass drug addicted dumb ass. Tried to help her seek treatment for both .. She stared me in the eyes and told me … I’m damaged..
      Oh we’ll seeya.

    • nickheather said

      Here’s the song that most accurately describes, for me, what one goes through after ending a BPD relationship.

      As Tasha’s best friend said to me last week, in reference to the fact that she got into another relationship with two months of our breakup:

      “Yeah she is reacting, and it probably is because you finally had enough and I dont think she ever really thought you would, but at what cost? Certainly this is going to bite her in the ass at some point.. It always does.”

      Even HER best friend knows what she’s all about. Sad.

      Lyrics:

      I’m wide awake
      Yeah, I was in the dark
      I was falling hard
      With an open heart
      I’m wide awake
      How did I read the stars so wrong

      I’m wide awake
      And now it’s clear to me
      That everything you see
      Ain’t always what it seems
      I’m wide awake
      Yeah, I was dreaming for so long

      Pre-Chorus:
      I wish I knew then
      What I know now
      Wouldn’t dive in
      Wouldn’t bow down
      Gravity hurts
      You made it so sweet
      Till I woke up on
      On the concrete

      Chorus:
      Falling from cloud 9
      Crashing from the high
      I’m letting go tonight
      (Yeah I’m) Falling from cloud 9

      I’m wide awake
      Not losing any sleep
      I picked up every piece
      And landed on my feet
      I’m wide awake
      Need nothing to complete myself – nooohooo

      I’m wide awake
      Yeah, I am born again
      Outta the lion’s den
      I don’t have to pretend
      And it’s too late
      The story’s over now, the end

      Pre-Chorus:
      I wish I knew then
      What I know now
      Wouldn’t dive in
      Wouldn’t bow down
      Gravity hurts
      You made it so sweet
      Till I woke up on
      On the concrete

      Chorus:
      Falling from cloud 9
      Crashing from the high
      I’m letting go tonight
      (Yeah I’m) Falling from cloud 9

      Thunder rumbling
      Castles crumbling
      I am trying to hold on
      God knows that I tried
      Seeing the bright side
      I’m not blind anymore…..I’m wide awake

      Chorus:
      Falling from cloud 9
      Crashing from the high
      I’m letting go tonight
      (Yeah I’m) Falling from cloud 9

      (Oh now I’m) Falling from cloud 9
      It was outta the blue, I’m
      Crashing from the high
      (Yeah) I’m letting go tonight
      Letting go of illusion
      (Now I’m) Falling from cloud 9

  139. Jim said

    I think i know the answer, 18 months and no contact, she blocked all access to her. I could call her work- how dumb. I am hoping this is all over. It has had me depressed for far far to long. Has anyone had one come back after unveling their lioes and being painted black for such a long period ?

  140. jay said

    ive only heard a handful of stories since ive known about bpd,
    but it would seem extremely unlikely that they would come back after such a long time after having splitting black.
    you have to consider their strengths and weaknesses.
    their strengths are seduction and manipulation. not to mention world class sex.
    another remarkable ability is their ability to detach completely almost instantly.
    their weaknesses are not being able to stay in one place. fear of attachment/abandonment. guilt, shame, paranoia, denial etc.

    in other words, its probably safe to assume that if it has been around 18 months, she has probably moved on and on and on and devoured anywhere from
    3-10 other suckers since the time you last spoke to her.

    we had hoped for something special, sweet and meaningful.
    we probably wanted to live happily ever after with what we thought was our dream girls.

    the sad truth is a BP is beyond sick and mentally ill.
    they have almost absolutely no possible chance of ever experiencing a healthy relationship.
    “you can’t turn a ho into a housewife!!”

    again, its easier for me to look at other people’s stories and point out certain realities and the reasons behind them.
    when it comes to my own story, i know that i would still do anything for her. i would do just about anything she would ask of me. even after learning all that i know now. i am still completely at her mercy. that’s why people tell me that she did me a favor by leaving.

    ive said this before too: if she ever does come back by some longshot, BEWARE!! she really isn’t there because she cares about you. she is really only trying to fill her own insatiable needs.

  141. nickheather said

    Jim, you don’t want her to come back, trust me. She’d only make your life a living, breathing hell, and then dump you again. That’s all they know how to do: hurt, hurt, hurt. You are already hurting, and you don’t need anyone hurting you further. Despite the way you’re feeling, this woman does not hold the key to your happiness: you do. You are worthwhile no matter what, with or without a partner. You must choose to love yourself. Take as much time as you need to get happy and comfortable with yourself. That’s what I’m doing and it’s awesome!

  142. Kevin said

    It’s hard to overstate how much this article resonates with me. It took me a few days to realize my ex-girlfriend had BPD after she split me. She led me to believe, which I am now sure is a total fabrication, that she had been hurt in past relationships. I now believe this is all a big fat lie and total BS. She was married for twenty years. God should reserve a special space in heaven for Her ex-husband!!!! I fortunately, was only with her on and off for only about 6 months. I can’t even imagine how he lasted 20 years with that woman!!!

    I know there is nothing I can do, but it’s sad to know she is going to go out and find another man and do the same nasty thing to him. I actually do have sympathy for my fellow humans! These people should literally have warning labels tattooed on their foreheads. I now believe BPDs cause MAJOR damage in the relationships, including at work and with their families (not just with lovers!). They are FUBB!

    I have now seen a side t my ex girlfriend that I didn’t even know existed…she might as well be a stranger. I was in total shock for a week…and I mean in total shock!! It’s been about a month since she split me black. Yes, it was a little like experiencing PTSD. It was really hard for me to believe this was a woman I loved (and who seemed to love me)!

    We work in the same organization, but fortunately not the same department. However, she totally ignores me now. I never I wanted to re-engage her in any way, but I did want to be civil and say hello when I saw her, which is infrequently. Apparently, she does not want this and in the long run it is probably better anyway. Essentially I have now split her black (I never thought I would do that to anyone, but you’re right they bring you down to their low-level)! I now totally ignore her as well. More than anything I want to avoid any drama especially drama at work.

    Bashing? Yup! She has tried to tell people at work nasty things about me. Fortunately, most of the people she knows understand she has issues (but probably don’t know she has BPD). They don’t believe what she says. She really values her job, as do I, so maybe I’ll be lucky and she’ll behave herself! You are exactly right; the things she is saying are about her not me. BTW: I treated this woman with respect and like a queen!

    I now feel she is totally devoid of any sort of soul and any ability to experience love. She is really sick, manipulative and twisted. These people are really scary! They can seem normal, very normal, even well adjusted, until you get close to them.
    If you have any suggestions on how to avoid post-breakup issues/drama with BPDs in the workplace I’m all ears.

    A HUGE thank you!!!! I was likely to find this website right after she painted me black and it helped me tremendously. It’s the best, most simplistic, straightforward information I have found on the web and I wanted to express my appreciation. Just think a little over a month ago I was clueless and didn’t even know what BPD was! Sad that I had to find out!

    When the woman you love is fucked up beyond belief…bullseye dude, you fucking nailed it!

  143. Laura said

    Hello everyone,
    (I’m not a native English speaker)

    This place is a lifeboat. 🙂
    Mine wasn’t a romantic relationship, but I can relate to everything I read here. 😦
    The pain is intense; I’ve never felt anything like this before.
    We had a few bereavements in the family; it was painful of course, but it was a “normal” pain, a healthy/natural pain.
    Abuse is soul murder.

    I met this woman online in 2008; she’s my age (forties), and we became friends.
    I’m married, two children. I have old friends, good friends… I’ve never had problems with any kind of relationship before.
    I’m mentally healthy, but this woman made me go crazy. I think that I’ve even been temporarily insane. I had to go into therapy.

    She lives a very solitary life. She has no friends, she has never been able to keep a job, or work in a office. She’s now a translator from home. She’s never had a boyfriend.
    She was abused as a child by her parents (emotionally and physically).

    We had an intense correspondence at the beginning; she sounded somehow “self aware”, honest, curious and nice.
    She told me that she had never been able to keep a friend for more than a few months and I couldn’t understand why. She also said that she wasn’t nice, and I had to disagree of course; she added that I would need a lot of patience with her. I thought she was sort of joking.
    The “beast” had not appeared yet…
    She usually looks for penfriends online. She’s Japanese and looks for English-speaking people interested in Japan. Sometimes she meets them during her numerous trips to Europe. She has never met one twice…

    Her “only friend” was Michael Jackson, with whom she though she had a “connection”. When he died I spent the night awake to be with her.
    She told me that she writes stories, and she draws. She can’t watch movies because they can disturb her “fantasies”.
    At some point she had a story about some pandas, in her head. It was awful, because the pandas were living horrible things and she was often in distress (this may be a bit “more” than Borderline…?).
    One day she saw some panda soft toys in a shop and bought two of them. A small one and a bigger one. She gave them names, and started to take care of them, to buy clothes, knit…. She treats them like babies. She “feeds” them, and takes them outside.
    It may be my maternal instinct, this childish aspect of her… I immediately entered in a rescue-mode. I would have liked to “adopt her” and give her a family. 😦
    She also attracted me into it, saying that it was as if her “boys” had found a mom in me (she’s not their mom; she’s “the man who saved them”, in her “story”… (yeah…)).
    I was very touched by the trust she put in me, showing me such private things. She said she had never talked about her childhood with anyone before.
    I’ve never used her vulnerabilities to “fight back”. I’ve always made rational arguments to try to make her understand the abuse, her inconsistency and the nonsense of her way to relate to me.

    We met a few times. She stayed in my house, with my family. I once went to Japan and stayed with her for a week. She spent last Christmas with us, staying for 10 days.
    She let me sleep with her pandas, one at a time. I carried one of them in my backpack…. It was weird but cute. And I felt a great deal of affection through her pandas.
    She’s obviously taking care of herself through them. It’s as if she doesn’t deserve to live, but she “has to”, because she has to take care of them. She needs to be there for them. I think it’s a pretty “clever” and “safe” unconscious survival tool. She’s never cut herself, or used drugs or alcohol. Isolation and fantasy….

    After about six months of correspondence she started to say nasty things to me here and there, using what she knew of my life. I later realised that I was giving her weapons every time that I showed her my vulnerabilities.
    But at some point, she wrote an email which was almost “apologetic”, and made her look human. 😉 She said that she had been so bad towards someone who had been so good to her; that she HAS TO say those things, so she can never apologise for what she says; that she had never known what she wanted in her life, and that she had always done what she “had to” do. And she didn’t want to hurt people; that’s why she leaves them, but I was not going…. I was the only one who stayed, the most patient person she had ever seen, and that she didn’t want it to finish, or her “boys” would be sad….
    This was the last time I saw her “true self”. Like the last breath of of life, before disappearing under layers of ice. After that I’ve never seen her take any responsibility, any acknowledgment of her doings, or any self awareness. After that it was all my fault, because I was flawed.
    But it was too late for me; I was emotionally attached to her. I still am.

    I was a computer programmer and stopped working to raise my kids.
    She studied Literature for 7 years at university; she went through it in spite of her severe depression which lasted for years. She seems very proud of her education level. It’s one of her “weapons” now.

    She gradually started to change the “story”. She used to consider herself as “unhappy”, “socially handicapped”; she said that I could give her tips for happiness, she once said I was an “accidental angel”; she said that I was bright…. Then everything changed. She’s now an independent woman who doesn’t need help; she was not abused, she is not traumatised, I’m not intelligent enough for her… and she has never cared.
    Once she said: “I hope one day you’ll understand that I’ve never cared”.
    On the other hand she often sent parcels with gifts; she even knitted a sweater for me.
    She was “nice” in other ways. And this was driving me crazy. Nothing was making any sense.
    It was like “I don’t like you, but I like you”, “I like you, but I hurt you”…
    In spite of this, we met again, and again…. In person she was quite nice, she concentrated everything on her pandas, and we didn’t talk much anyway.

    I was becoming less and less functional, and sought help. The therapist told me that she may have BPD.

    In the meantime she started ignoring my emails more and more, saying that she didn’t want to speak anything “deep” with me anymore, that I had to be a casual friend “or nothing!!”. I wasn’t “deep” enough, or “intelligent” enough.
    I tried to concentrate on the “nice” part, and kept on enduring the abuse. Emotional withdrawing, actual withdrawing (no news), verbal abuse… silent treatments… All of this was online, from the other side of the world. Between a verbal abuse and a silent treatment, she sent me pictures of her pandas, and expected me to comment nicely. I always did, but sometimes I felt “used”.
    And my mind was always there… My mind was full of her, and full of confusion and dread. My heart was beating when I received a message from her, not knowing what to expect; and I felt hurt if I didn’t receive anything. I interpreted her silence as abuse, because she was abusive in general.

    My therapist said that I if I could feel her loneliness pain so well and got involved so much, it was because I felt something similar during my childhood. We went into it, and it made sense. Basically I was trying to heal my “inner child”, by trying to rescue her.
    Understanding this, and educating myself about her disorder, helped a lot. I don’t feel insane anymore. But the pain is still here.

    I’m glad I found this site, but I’m also sad that the same thing happened and is happening to so many nice people.
    I can see that we’re all good people, and nicely rational people, who are able to grow, who are open to understanding and taking responsibility; we’re all the opposite of what a borderline person is.
    We’re maybe too empathic, and we go beyond the abuse, and we see the pain.

    After understanding the mechanisms of the disorder, I was sure that I could have ignored the words, that I could be more “detached”, but I can’t.
    I can’t accept a stab just because “it comes from a disorder”.
    Emotional abuse hurts and leaves scars which are never going to go away. You’ll never be “a person who wasn’t abused”.

    Her inconsistency and irrational behaviours were becoming more and more unbearable for me, and I still was resentful for the way I had been treated. I tried to tell her about BPD, but she ignored my messages.
    I recently “unfriended” her on fb, to “lead” her towards the private messages. I needed to be heard.
    I wrote some long messages explaining how I was feeling, and I explained about BPD, in a calm and caring way. I said that I was confused and didn’t know what to do anymore. And then I “refriended” her.
    She reacted lashing out, as usual, but with time it’s more and more explosive, and it’s too much for me now.

    To me it’s as if she’s almost dead inside; the only way I can reach her is by being nice to her pandas, commenting their pictures, and sending things to “them”…, but it’s crazy. For her, I’m only existing to feed her needs. She can even get angry at an “are you ok?” message… So what about my need to know if she’s OK?

    I’d like to show you her last message; maybe you can see if it looks familiar to you. The borderline rage… 😦
    After sending her answer, she blocked me on facebook. Now I have to “resist”.
    I’m looking forward to the day when I don’t feel hurt anymore, when I don’t feel the need to be part of her life.
    I’m worried that she could be sad, that it’s a shock for her to lose me now, after all these years.
    On the other hand, sometimes I had the impression that I was a sort of trophy for her… Her “record”. She said it was the first time that her mother met one of her friends.
    Sometimes it seemed that I had to be part of her fantasy world. I had to play the role of a nice aunt who cares for her panda boys, and that I had to appear only when she felt like it…

    It’s anonymous, so I think I can do this; this is her last message.
    I’m going to read it every time I feel compassion for her, and I’m tempted to contact her, apologising for things I haven’t done…..

    Her message:

    Uh,………
    I thought this person might be (finally) seeing some light and talking about herself, but…. borderline personalities? ROTFL…… Oh she’s just great isn’t she… I’ve already talked about you with some people, and everyone without exception is impressed, just for the different reasons from what you think…

    Isn’t she SCARY really… apparently she’s SOOOOOOO determined that I HAVE TERRIBLY HUUUUGE PROBLEM, because of AWFUL TRAUMA caused by my parents or someone …… Some veeeeeery simple truth never even gets into her attention, because of her TOOOO HUUUUUUGE FAITH in her wisdom and intelligence……

    To be honest, THIS PERSON IS WEIRD AND SCARY!!!!!!! THat’s all I can say!!!!!!!
    The very simple fact is, she’s simply not intelligent and smart enough for me, being THE LEAST EDUCATED AND EXPERIENCED friend I’ve ever had, period!!!!!! All that is simply no problem for sure, that’s all good, if only she KNEW THE FACT herself!!!

    But her denial of anything wrong about herself is TOO HUGE, and she somehow come sticking to me while blaming me for everything…. SHE’S SCARY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    Seriously, those who really need help never think they do, FOR SURE……

    Yes she’s perhaps the warmest, purest, sweetest, most compassionate friend I’ve ever had, that’s why I couldn’t readily drop her completely. But she’s also the LEAST SMART OR DEEP friend I’ve had I have to say, because of the ASTONISHING and complete lack of experience in life. And there’s no way to make a immature person understand she’s immature… She’s too mentally young she can NEVER face the VERY SIMPLE FACT, that I’m getting away from her POSSIBLY because there’s something wrong with HER…

    To be honest I’ve already been forced to wonder, if she’s really OK mentally, more than a few times… she never knows just how many times she dropped my jaw, especially with her great DEEP THOUGHTS. I’ve honestly had to wonder if those were really adult thoughts; they were just TOO ELEMENTARY and shallow, and what’s scary is her great belief that they’re sooo intelligent and deep.

    It made me realize, that this is the scary result of all-easy life… Now I know that everyone is born with an empty head, and the life is the process of filling it with experiences. By constantly making easier easier choices though, it can remain empty for entire life…

    Thanks to you, I now know so clearly that an easy life is not a happy life… but even being born in a generally *happy* environment, I thought a mentally healthy person would definitely WANT to do something, other than sitting around for her entire life. She could aspire for SOMETHING, education, career, simple hobby or whatever, and in the course of pursuing it, she can certainly encounter many interesting experiences, WHICH make her grow up as a human.

    But this person seems to have… SO COMPLETELY LACKED any motivation to do ANYTHING, she seems to simply believe “I’m smart!!(PERIOD)” and felt content with it, and never wanted to go for learning or working for anything… It is NOT healthy in my eyes, I have to say. I mean, doing NOTHING and feeling HAPPY is just beyond me, not to mention *heavenly* for years… Apparently though, she has no sense of SHAME in my eyes for DOING NOTHING, instead she’s full of pride, I honestly don’t know how anyone can feel even worthy to be alive for sitting around everyday…

    But as I get to know her more and more, I got to understand more, and now I just feel like “no wonder…”. She has simply never grown out of childhood so to speak. She just changed her provider from her dad to her husband, never learning what it is to be an independent human being… Being with you is really a series of shocks to me, she doesn’t look like a whole person, but rather she’s just a “part of” an entity called family. Not making any decisions, not taking any responsibilities, just feeling content and smart for no ground…

    But seriously, she should have been faced with the simple fact numerous times already, that she’s not quite smart or intelligent enough for me, that she doesn’t even have enough knowledge for me. What astonishes me is the fact that, no matter how many times she sees such a simple fact right in front of her eyes, her confidence in herself is NEVER budged, and she keeps believing that there’s something wrong in ME. Or she doesn’t even realize it, I don’t know….

    In fact, if she ever feels the lack of knowledge even a little bit, she has ALL THE TIME to try to learn anything. But she NEVER seems to be interested… and simply keeps talking from what little she knows already. I know you have a problem with instructions, but do you possibly have problem with reading itself??… It really surprises me that, each time you pretend that you knew something I was talking about, you simply say “of course I know(KNEW)!!”, and that’s it, you never even go look it up, and keeps off-the-point argument… All this way of thinking is simply beyond me, it doesn’t seem like belonging to a healthy adult head, to be honest.

    OF COURSE this all can’t be any farther from DA TRUTH for you, and you NEVER ever accept any of these as reality I know, because THERE’S NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU, period.
    I just can tell you though, that NO human is smart enough without learning, NO human is deep enough without experience, no matter what convenient things you believe in.
    It’s really beyond me why you never even cared for any higher education(of course your parents were probably TOO POOR), although it seems you do care about your kids’ education…

    But again…. these things have nothing to do with the reason why I liked you, you really are purest, sweetest, kindest, warmest person I met. I really wished though, that if only she was a bit smarter…
    But even that doesn’t matter, I mean ignorance or incapability or whatsoever don’t matter, AS LONG AS SHE KNOWS HERSELF OBJECTIVELY AND SHE’S AWARE OF THOSE THINGS. If only she was like, “yes I’m not very intelligent or smart, nor very deep or whatever, that’s how I CHOSE me and my life to be!”, then she can even suddenly be wise.

    But you’re the “farthest from wisdom” type of person, as long as you keep believing “I’M NOT STUPID!!!” and keep making excuses for every lack of knowledge…
    Anyway, whatever I say, I know she converts them to “AHH!!! WHAT AN AWFUL TRAUMA!!!!!!!!!!!! I HAVE TO HELP HER, AAHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”… so there can’t be any worse way of wasting time……… this way she’s seriously freaking me out……

    And in any case, wishing THE OTHER PERSON to change in your favor(like you’re doing) is nothing but stupidity I know, so I don’t intend to do it. All I’m wishing and intending to do is, keep a bit away from this very nice but a bit thick friend… she must know the similar people all around her lol…

    Please please go on with your happy life, I have NO intention to stick to it or bother you. Please stay happy the way you are.
    And just don’t bother me either, thank you.

  144. Trisha said

    Someone who can only relate through panda bears is beyond BPD….take what’s left of your sanity and run, no matter how much it hurts.

    • Laura said

      Thanks, Trisha!
      It hurts if I leave, and it hurts if I stay. But if I stay, it won’t stop, and I’ll only postpone the inevitable. Not easy though! I’m trying to treat this like an addiction, as I’ve leant here.

  145. Laura said

    I just read an article, addressed to therapists… saying this:

    “You could feel as though you need a shower afterwards, to wash off the toxic residue that’s left in his wake.”
    http://gettinbetter.com/BPDclient.html

    I feel exactly as if I had been poisoned. All my body is full of it.
    Her words are in my body; I can’t stop seeing them again and again, passing through my head. It seems they will never go away. They don’t let me concentrate, enjoy what I used to enjoy; with my mind I’m constantly trying to defend myself from her. I also wrote some emails, to make some rational arguments, again… to show her that my life is not “a waste” as she wants me to believe. She said that she doesn’t open my emails anyway. There’s no discussion possible. It’s either nothing, “the weather”, or insulting me if I try to bring up an issue.

    Why do I need her approval? Why do I need her to UNDERSTAND? To admit?
    Me not insulting her life doesn’t prove the “superiority” that she claims to have. It just shows that I’m not a bully.
    At least an “honest” bully is a bully from the start and always! You have a CHOICE! You won’t build an attachment for him/her!
    This disorder is evil.

    My therapist told me that the professionals dealing with borderline patients need a lot of support, and a lot of them don’t even accept borderlines.
    The therapist told me that if I stay in this friendship the way I am now, she will destroy me.
    It’s impossible to become intimate with a borderline without getting hurt.

    The problem is that we, the “attached”, can feel that it’s not a genuine rejection. It’s a defence mechanism.
    This situation makes us look like stalkers, “rapists”, invading someone else’s space.
    All we’re asking is some sense, some truth, some closure. Something real that can give us peace of mind; we can’t make good decisions on assumptions.
    I’m still waiting for her to tell me the same things in a calm way. At least a clam way. But when she calms down, she only wants to talk about the weather.
    So what was that??
    I will end up with PTSD! In fact she’s basically doing to me what her parents did to her.

    This has been compared to an addiction, but on the other side there’s not a bottle of alcohol, or a cigarette.
    The cigarette has no will and has no suffering.
    I don’t know what’s going on inside my friend’s head at the moment. I alternate between feeling sorry for her, feeling sorry for myself, pain, anger, guilt, wanting “revenge”, a lot of resentment… sorry again…
    I think that we end up having a sort of second hand borderline, having to respond to these inconsistent and unreliable feelings!

    Again from the same article:
    “Keep your countertransference in check while treating a Borderline, for they’ll surely trigger your unresolved issues.”

    Apparently borderlines are masters in detecting people’s weaknesses; and they know what will hurt.
    How can I possibly think to accept this person again in my home, letting her see more, so that she can use what she sees as a weapon, again, when she needs to? 😦

  146. jay said

    hello again…
    really not doing well…
    just don’t care about anything anymore.
    cannot really enjoy doing anything for more than a few minutes at the most.
    feel so shi++¥. i feel like such a fool that i still completely long for a person who appears to no longer or for all i know, never did give a damn about me.
    cannot stop beating myself up for putting so much of myself into this so rapidly and so early. even though i told so many other people on here that it was not their fault.
    i’m told things like that i have to accept reality and that i don’t have the power to stop the rain.
    but f— it all if i don’t want to defy the stars themselves instead.
    almost 8 months later and i still cannot move on in the least.
    all i want is to hear her and see her and be close to her…
    i just want to sleep. i just can’t do it……
    she’s really never coming back and its killing me…..
    no advise or wisdom helps me.
    a friend mentioned how she may always have a piece of my heart but i don’t think she got a piece. i think she got the whole damn thing and i may not be left with hardly a piece.
    all i want is what i can’t have. i need her.
    my soul is completely starved from this no contact.

    i don’t care about what anyone tells me. i don’t care what the reality is. nothing changes for me…

    all the help proves to be less than effective.
    don’t know what to do. i don’t know what to do….
    i’ve reached out again and again… i’ve reached out to her friend as a desperate last resort option… nothing…

    from high water mark to no communication whatsoever.
    i cannot understand it and i cannot bare the reality.

    i just want her to tell me that everything is (or will be) alright. but when other people tell me this, i know that they are wrong and i feel like they are just trying to humor me.

    i have become a sick, broken record. there is no getting over this for me. there is only getting used to it. the latter is no better and it is still excruciatingly difficult.

    wtf am i going to do?? i just don’t care about anything anymore.
    i feel like i’m dying or as if i’m already dead.

    i wonder if posting this could possibly lead to any good or would it just really bring other people down?

    i don’t have any good options anymore.
    there’s no meaning in anything for me anymore.

    i really don’t think i’m gonna make it through this…
    i seriously feel like i’m falling apart and losing it.

    if there’s any other completely depressing cliche i’ve left out, please remind me…
    really nothing new has happened since my last posts on here but it does not get better. it only gets worse.

    people say i’m holding onto a memory or a ghost.
    that its all i have left. she’s gone…
    i need her.. and she’s gone… i feel as though i am too.
    or i will be soon enough…
    i’m not in serious danger. and i’m not so reckless and foolish that i would want to hurt myself…
    i’ve always thought, you got plenty of time to be dead…
    but i just don’t care about anything anymore.
    nothing really matters to me anymore.
    hope and dreams are gone. desire and inspiration has long since departed.
    even i can picture some other people’s perspective as something sounding like – jesus christ dude! get over yourself for f— sake!
    but i can’t. and i know that i’m not going to.

    sometimes i think that not giving a shhh about anything can be a bit like being care free and its still possible to have fun. but this comes in very small doses and really doesn’t matter at all to me ultimately.

    no living going on. merely just surviving. but for what?

    i feel like such an a–hole.
    i put my all into this and now there is nothing left.
    i cannot stand the no contact approach….
    i can’t think of anything else to say so i’ll wrap this up before i start repeating myself over n over again…

    i cannot stop the rain. but does it have to rain for eternity?

    i apologize for the overwhelming negative nature of my post.
    i’m not trying to poison people with my despair.
    i know i haven’t been here for a while.
    all i can say is that i am so lost right now.

    (note to self: wrap it up!!! … ok wrapping it up…)

    • Marie said

      Jay,
      My heart is broken for you and I have been where you are but not for the same amount of time. Somehow you have to break the cycle of what you are feeling. Do you go to therapy? Are you surrounding yourself with positive people? Are you getting out of the house and doing fun things to distract yourself? All of these things will help you.
      You must remember that you are addicted to the highs and lows you experienced during the relationship. A normal relationship has it’s ups and downs but nothing like the rollercoaster of being with a BPD. Most are not capable of loving themselves let alone a significant other or even their own children. They have serious self-esteem issues and do whatever they can to make themselves feel alive. Unfortunately they can be emotional vampires that suck the happiness and good feelings out of others. Do you remember a time before her when you were happy?
      Every day you must try to put this behind you. If she were a good person who really loved you then she would not treat you the way she is now (or in the past when things were bad….you remember the bad times, don’t you?). There are normal healthy people out in the world that you should be connecting with and relying on. People are not trying to humor you, they are trying to help you. Yes, in a way she was and is a ghost because a nice woman would not do what she did and is doing to you now. You must not turn into a ghost yourself and start living again.
      Hugs,
      Marie

      • jay said

        i just don’t know dude…
        therapy only helps marginally.
        people recommend anti depressants but i think that would only be throwing a band aid onto a festering wound and would only be treating the symptom.
        the psychological explanations clarify a lot of what went down but it still defies all logic and reason and doesn’t make any sense. i’m still falling. i’m still hoping that i can see her and hear from her even though i’m well aware that the chances of this happening are less than…. well, let’s say less than a dachshund becoming the queen of america.
        who i used to be doesn’t really exist anymore. or if he does, its not even close to the same.
        the support of good friends and family members of which i am truly blessed to have so much, also only helps slightly if at all.
        i really don’t enjoy anything the same way that i used to.
        all i have are mindless distractions. and those only last for very short amounts of time.
        i suppose drugs and alcohol could affect me somehow as well
        but i don’t usually like getting drunk or stoned or whatever when i feel terrible. plus seeing someone i cared about so much drinking themselves into oblivion everyday also probably had an adverse effect on me.
        maybe it looks different to everyone else looking at this from the outside. but for me, i was so close to my happily ever after fairy tale story. so close to heaven on earth.
        all my life hoping to run into the girl of my dreams and when she finally shows up, nobody mentions that the devil is her
        co-pilot. that she’s a stage 9 succubus.
        not until its too late anyway.
        but i really did ignore and overlook some incredibly significant red flags. i just didn’t care how screwed up she was.
        i liked her so much. i was so excited to meet her. i cherished every minute i got to be close to her.
        but my downfall…
        (i mean i guess i could think of a few things but…) was because she made me feel like she wanted the exact same thing.
        people say they want to be wanted and not needed but i say bullsh!t, f— you! etc..
        what can be more special than two people truly needing each other?
        the only difference really was that i was mostly upfront and forthcoming about all this whereas she was so incredibly volatile and erratic.
        such a f—ing rollercoaster….
        i’ve never put myself out there so much. never been myself so much and so honest.
        i put everything i had into the relationship.
        i gave her everything i had and would’ve done anything to help her.
        the outcome?? “don’t contact me anymore.”
        like its her god damn f—ing catch phrase.
        from – can i come see you for a bit? – to – we’re just friends – to – i miss you dearly, come back n love me – to – for your sake and mine, do not contact me anymore – to – i’m so sorry! you don’t deserve to have to deal with all my issues!
        i miss you so much! can i come see you? – to –
        finding myself in the missionary position ‘grip of death’
        (“all mine!”) – to –
        i’m tired of being with someone who just doesn’t get it – to – i always miss you! – to – zero communication.
        to absolute hostility.

        this woman could be the death of me and all i want is for her to come back.

        anyone remember a few months ago when i was the one on here offering the help and advice and insight etc.. ?
        kind of ironic isn’t it? i’m completely f—ed now…

        so everyone else has more wisdom and clarity on their side? doesn’t really matter to me.
        all i want is to be close to her.
        wishing and hoping for a dream.
        it wasn’t an illusion for me!! it was as real as anything i’ve ever heard of or experienced.
        so i’m a ghost now… that’s all i got… i don’t even care…

  147. chris said

    I am so glad i found this site.i am going through with someone right now.she always fought with me over nothing.screaming at me and telling me not to yell at her.i even put myself into therapy four months ago because of a deep anger began to come out of me.
    For a year she could never commit to me fully.she just strung me along.i could write for hours about everything she did.but idont have to.its all here already.i wish i knew sooner.maybe i could have helped.

  148. Sammy C said

    Chris glad you are here , But don’t beat yourself up so much I have said that a 1000 times only if I had listened to my inner soul, Only if I knew then what I know now…WOW hind site is really 20/20 as they say!!!!

  149. Sammy C said

    My Borderline Ex was determined to make a stalker out of me …LOL so she got with some other bitches and did a smear campaign in hopes to keep me out of her old neighborhood , Now mind you her god damn ass ain’t from Chicago , I have been in this city all my life , have I lived other places yes , But I have people here tons and tons that know me or knew my family sine 1958 …I was born in 1966 …The hood I speak of was boarded up 10 to 15 years ago , its a reginderfied area , The people she know shes only known for a couple years …when she moved here….LOL ! But let her tell it these are her friends!!

  150. Sammy C said

    So to my point , She didn’t ask me back like that she did the Push and Pull with me during our relationship ..but she does stake my Facebook page as we speak , How do I know well lets see ..I type messages to my self saying crazy negative shit to and about myself so all my friends and family can see …Mine is a computer analyst for a major Bank in the US …SO you tell me , She knows how to hack accounts!!!

  151. Sammy C said

    OH my last replies are @ Chris …Just to show you , that you are not alone Sir!!!!

  152. Sammy C said

    AT anyone who cares to answer me …This is just a random thought but how could anyone laugh at what these people do to others? How could you be and enabler of a Cluster-B , How could you its a shame !!! and a total sham , Is there something so un cool about your own life , that would make you want to hitch up with a goon like my borderline ex who pretend to be a big shot …when she is nothing more than a Waif in hiding who moves from town to town ……Go to Des Monies Iowa, go to New York City, to Chicago IL , , to To anywhere this Blood sucker has lived and i am not naming all the places here , I didn’t mention her home town ..But ask people who know her ….I bet you’ll get the same answer and conformation of all the things I’ve said here on this web site …Its so so sad!!!!

  153. Sammy C said

    I just saw something I want to share….To all Cluster-B ‘s out there , And I quote ” One Good Loyal Girlfriend / Boyfriend is worth a thousand times more than a Thousand Whores or Bastards in the world that you all seem to always find!!!!!! We nons wish you were able to share the love and commitment with us that we had for you!!! Its a shame that you couldn’t and most likely will never will be able too ,because you will never have the courage to stop lying to the public and yourself about your past…., Yes you were abused , mentally , physically, sexually , now go to a doctor after reading this and continue with what us nons already know you game here is up its over ..we understand you now…!!!! Its time you stop fooling yourself cause you aren’t fooling us anymore!!!!

    Ya get it Little Adult Girls , and Little Adult Boys!!!!!

  154. Laura said

    Hello again 🙂

    My borderline friend has completely vanished. She wrote to my husband, complaining about me, saying all sorts of offensive things about me. I was still blocked from her facebook, but she interacted occasionally with my husband and my boys. After a few weeks I sent her some chocolates for a Japanese holiday. She was furious and wrote to my husband again. Of course she said that I was a stalker… She didn’t like the fact that my husband didn’t agree with her, although he was trying to stay “neutral”, to be diplomatic about this. Then she completely disappeared. She deleted her facebook account, and she’s unreachable.
    This all story has been devastating for me.

    I’m finding a lot of relief in A.J. Mahari’s work. I’d like to share this list which I found in one of her books.

    How a borderline works….

    1 – Needing is not okay. Needing is not safe. Don’t bother needing anything – we don’t really care.
    2 – Who are you again? It’s all about me – not you.
    3- When I need you to hold my feelings you’d better be a good little scapegoat but otherwise do not make the mistake of thinking that I care or that you belong or that I really see you – I don’t. You are me.
    4 – Sorry about your luck but worry about me. Sorry about your luck but focus on me – after all you never know what I’ll do next.
    5 – You will feel what I want you to feel. It is all about me.
    6 – I can do and say what I want. You don’t get an opinion.
    7 – If I feel it, it is. What I feel and think and do is okay because what ever I feel, think, or do, is right. I am entitled – not you.
    8 – Don’t bother me with how you feel. I am busy with how I feel.
    9 – I am important, not you.
    10 – You should just be thankful and grateful for what I bother to give you and stop wanting anything else.
    11 – What do you mean you have rights? This “world” is my “world” You have no rights in my world.
    12 – You are in my “world” to glorify me. Don’t make me look bad. If I look bad to anyone it’s your fault.
    13 – If I am angry it is your fault.
    14 – I am in control always.
    15 – I am the powerful one. You are lucky I give you the time of day when I bother to.
    16 – You only need to be visible when I need something.
    17 – I hate you, don’t leave me.
    18 – You can’t be you, you are a part of me – period.
    19 – Get away closer and don’t look back.
    20 – Nothing is my fault.
    21 – Accept me as I am for who I am.
    22 – I am special, what’s your problem?
    23 – You are weak. I am strong.
    24 – You need me, you’re tough luck, I don’t need you.
    25 – Respect is a one-way street. You better respect me or else.
    26 – Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
    27 – Turn the other cheek and I’ll punch that one too.
    28 – You can’t leave me.
    29 – I love you – I just can’t stand you.
    30 – If you hurt me I will punish you big time.
    31 – When I feel something, you wear it for me ok?
    32 – You drive me to drink.
    33 – You are an ingrate.
    34 – You just don’t seem to realize how lucky you are to know me.
    35 – Do not show me how you feel – it’s wimpy and pathetic.
    36 – Emotionally demonstrative people like you, have no right to demonstrate all these wacky feelings of yours to me – I am a non-demonstrative person with my emotions.
    37 – Rage is my right – not yours.
    38 – If you get in my way or anger me I can hit you.
    39 – I hit you to knock some sense into you. It’s perfectly acceptable.
    40 – I am right and that makes you the one that is wrong.

  155. Raul Martinez said

    My wife & I live in a private house with a BPD landlady. Her daughter is mentally retarted, & my wife decided to became her daughter’s care taker through easter seals. After about 6 months, The landlady has become very volatile & delusional. She screams & accuses my wife for everything. Purchasing a new mail box with a lock last year, She’s been ok with It until now. We had the mail box tied to the rail with strong cinch ties. She cut the ties yesterday after she told my wife, “Why do you have a lock on the mail box?” My wife had quit taking care of her daughter last night, & has called easter seals she will no lornger step foot in her home. My wife & I are afraid things will get worst for us. Thank you for reading…

    • savorydish said

      Sounds like she might be having paranoid delusions. How old is the woman?

      • Alexander said

        I should have listened to you Savorydish, I thought my love would cure her illness. I knew that she was BPD, even though her doctor said that she was bipolar 1. After 27 years of this women’s abuse, I finally stood up to her lies and bullshit. She has split me black again, and tells everyone that I abuse her. This time she faces the consequences of her lies! I filed charges against her for lying on me. This my complaint, “My wife, lied and filed a false domestic violence charge against me. She has a very bad habit of lying and being dishonest. I have documents of the false statements that she made to law enforcement and I also have her new statement that proves that she made a false statement under oath. She later recanted and wrote a letter to the court saying that she had lied on me and that I did not hit her. I want to file charges against her, for willfully making false statements to law enforcement about me hitting her. I also would like to file perjury charges against her for making false statements about the domestic violence. She should be prosecuted for perjury because it is a proven fact that she maliciously lied and filed a false report to intentionally distract authorities from finding out the truth about who really committed the crime. Her lie is evident based on her prior sworn statement and the other so-called evidence that corroborates her initial complaint. Turning a blind eye to a crime committed has its own negative consequences for the criminal justice system and all those involved. Why should so-called domestic violence victims be allowed to commit perjury without consequences? I was arrested in front of my children and neighbors for a crime that I did not commit. I was humiliated. I was charged with domestic violence and was jailed and had to pay $3000 for a lawyer. She also filed an order of protection so I could not see my two youngest children. The consequences of the restraining order was quite serious. I was ordered to vacate the premises of my home and had to pay rent (and all bills)at both places. Her allegations of abuse were complete lies. She lies to manipulate the system. At what lengths will she go to get what she wants? She also lied to the battered women’s advocates. She lies about abuse in order to pretend to be a victim of domestic violence, so she can qualify for shelter care. Domestic violence shelters are much nicer. They are fed well, clothed, and generally have a very comfortable stay. Truthful

      • savorydish said

        I hope this motivates you to get far far away from this woman. Sorry for your pain and I hope it all works out.

  156. Tom said

    To see the whole “Cluster B” histrionic/borderline schtick in action, see the latest Ramsey’s Kitchen Nightmares for Amy’s Bakery Company. This will look VERY FAMILIAR to some readers here:

  157. Gillian said

    Hi savory dish
    My husband has spilt me black , because he knows that I know there is something very wrong with him , he has managed to turn my daughter whi is married against my sons are beleiving what he and hr are saying about me , he seems to be telling the wider family that it is me . Him with the help of my daughter are trying to cull me from my support network , I have had to enlist the help of victims suppor to help me in this situation

  158. Gillian said

    Hi savory dish
    My husband has split me black and now has turned my daughter against me , they both live in the same house as me but they both do not speak to me , I found out my husband has has claimed on insurance policy’s and kept the money and placed it in his own bank and he accuses me of taking money , I was told at work by a colleague that she had seen about a year ago holding hands with someone else . I approached him on this but he was more interested in someone pointing the finger at him then convincing me there was nothing in it. I fear my daughter has the same black and white thinking as about 2 weeks ago we went to my daughter in laws hen night and my daughter was giving me a lift the restaurant she started picking a fight with me in the car going Down to the restaurant the restaurant was only 5mins in the car but she managed to cause friction between us and by the time we got there she had insulted me so much we were not speaking which made for a horrible night. She is always passive aggressive towards me and I have done nothing wrong to her , but this is the same as her dad he is always passive aggressive always blaming me for all sorts , but it seems to me that this is projection as I am not the person that he portrays me to every body else

  159. Sammy C said

    @ SavoryDish, Its with sadness that I report that a almost full two years after My BPD /NPD ex left here, she is still trolling my face book page, trying to blot out a photo of her and I that I keep there as proof and a reminder of the dirty scumbag that she is! Savory I have reason to believe that this stupid bitch is in a conspiracy with some? of her stupid enablers to have me hurt or maybe even killed…. I have remained NC and I’m doing my best to keep family member and street people out of this!!! This is sick, she is so stupid to underestimate me people in high places have thoes photos now and will pay her a visit if violence occur!!! Wow man these people really are nuts!!!

    • jay said

      well. i guess its always easier to other people’s situations than our own. you might have noticed how much of a mess i have been this whole year.
      i apologize in advance because i could not possibly understand everything you are going through.
      i even understand that i am likely to be dead wrong every now and then.
      personally, i just don’t like the whole no contact approach.
      it just doesn’t seem rational to me.
      of course we have been over the idea that these are completely irrational people that we are dealing with but anyway..
      sammy i don’t know what you’re going through or who is doing what exactly. but what comes to mind is;
      you ever go to a concert or a playoff game and notice how the collective energy of the fans, players, performers etc. greatly influences the experience, performance, and level of excitement and intensity?
      its like dealing with a dog.
      if you talk like an idiot to a dog (who’s a good boy?!?!), it might get really excited and riled up and start wagging its tail or w/e.
      if two people in your house start fighting, the dog will bark at you or even jump on you to try to break it up or intervene.
      now.. it seems like your ex is desperate for some kind of reaction.
      again.. i’m no expert or professional. i’ve been wrong before.
      many people will tell us, especially on this board that absolutely no contact is the way to go.
      now i will try to explain why i disagree.
      ignoring somebody is actually one of the most painful, disrespectful, hurtful actions one can do to another person.
      i’m currently experiencing this myself.
      while no contact might be a wise suggestion, we do not live in a world that is completely black and white. absolutes will sometimes get us into a lot of trouble.
      i think that it all depends.
      so let’s examine; what if you were to act as though things were somewhat benign? as if your feelings about this person were relatively insignificant. maybe indifferent as though you’ve totally moved on.
      this person knows that she has an effect on you. even a power over you. she is holding your sanity for ransom.
      she has little or no regard for your wishes and just will not take no for an answer.
      to completely resist her puts you into a battle of wills.
      kind of like a chinese finger trap.
      if i had all the answers, i would be doing a lot better myself.
      but again.. she knows she has a strong effect on you.
      perhaps, if you were to display more of a ‘whatever’ attitude, her obsession would fade.
      and then, god help the next sucker that parasite latches onto.

      idk if that helps you out or not. maybe just take a deep breath.
      try to stay clear headed and don’t get into anything destructive that there’s no going back from.

      summertime is here now and there’s a whole beautiful world to experience. (even though i myself am finding it extremely difficult to take my own advice…)
      anyway.. good luck to you. all the best.

    • savorydish said

      Sounds serious. What evidence do you have?

  160. Sammy C said

    @ SavoryDish I was having coffee at my uasual Starbucks, with a friend and she is going thru something similar with her husband so she says, so I was shareing info with this person and went to my page to show this person the photo and it was blotted out, then it was clear, so my ex musta saw me trying to get the photo up and switched it back, she or some of her enablers did this there have been crazy messages popping up on my Facebook page, mind you that she is a computer analysis for a major US bank, she knows how to hack!
    Now mind you I haven’t called her, I just keep my eyes on her. Cause I realize she is super crazy, and she has the ability to lie a thousand times to people who want to continue a relationship with her so she’s using street scum to continue to bother me!! Because she doesn’t want me telling people in this community who she is or showing them!! The truth. We know its her
    Or someone thru her!

  161. Im going through a hard time at the moment, I have known this girl for over 5 years we started haning out a bit more in october of last year next thing we got closer and started going out im 46 shes 32 but we have had this connection since the day we met, she told me she had feelings for me before but pushed the feelings away but in october didn’t want to push them away anymore and wanted to try with me, everything was going very well, I spent xmas with her family they loved me and wanted us to stay together then on boxing day we spent it with my family it was great, two days later we went out to the place we first met 5 years ago that was also the 1st time she told me she was falling in love with me, I felt amazing as I really like this girl but 2 days later she said she can’t do it anymore (no reasons) But 4 days later txt me to hang out again in which we did, she did say lets take it slow, she would txt me 15 times a day we hung out 4- 5 days a week, she kept telling me how much she likes me and how much she misses me when were not together, she would stay the night then on her way home in the morning txt me 5 mins after she left that she misses me already wht does that mean,I txt her back u know what that means, she was falling in love with me and it was hard for her, everything was going awesome again she told me how I treated her better than her other boyfriends how I did things for her but it made her feel weird how nice I was treating her and she was struggling to accept the things I was doing for her, I told her that I loved her like I have loved no other and she told me she loved me which was hard for her to say, she stayed at my house on valentines night that was an awesome night we had alot of fun and we cuddled we were in love with each other but 2 nights later she went away with some old friends to have some fun and remember the old days, I really wanted her to go and have fun as she deserves it, when she came back she was a bit different she said someone spiked her drink she was slow and tired but she sat on my lap kissed me told me how much she liked me and wanted to be with me she said her mother who is very negative told her not to stuff things up with me she started to cry and said I don’t want to f**k things up with you I like you too much so I cuddled her and told her she wouldn’t, we went to bed made love and talked it was nice she feels very close to me and im in love with her, in the morning we woke up she a bit different but not too bad after breakfast she asked if one of her friends tried to have sex with me would I, I said of course not I love you too much, she said if I find out you have been sleeping around I will chop your di*k off, wow that was scary but she likes me, a bit later she rang the doctors to get on the pill for me, wow she likes me, about an hour later I gave her a cuddle and went home the cuddle did feel weird like it had no feeling, but I didn’t worry, later that night she txt me she was having an early night and can’t talk the same thing the next night… im thinking whats going on from 15 awesome txts a day to 1 crappy one, so I txt her im getting funny vibes from her all she said im changing my course thats what it is, now she won’t talk to me she ignores most of my txts she replies sometimes to leave her the f*ck alone, I don’t know whats happened, I ran into her at the shops 2 weeks ago all I could see was hate in her eyes, she didn’t want to talk or look at me I asked her why do hate me so much she said she doesn’t hate me, well why can’t you talk to me anymore she said just leave me alone and stormed off so I txt her heaps trying to find answers all she said was leave me alone next time i’ll call the police, so last week I got drunk and txt her hope u r having a good weekend and I hope the present i bought u off ebay arrived and u enjoyed it…. the nexy morning I got a call from the police to leave her alone the next time i’ll be charged,,,, im thinking WTF, how can you love me say im the best thing you have had Im wonderful and your healer talk to me about everything then the next day hate me with a passion and tell me nothing, our 5 year friendship has come to an end for what, I do not know, can anyone help me with this, I have txt her and written letters but no reply that was before the polce rang me,,,, why can’t she talk to me when we were so good and close… im so confused, any borderlines or nons
    with help would be appreciated…..

    • savorydish said

      Brett,

      This woman is seriously disturbed. When she threatened to chop your dick off that should have been the first sign. The question you should be asking yourself is- why did I ignore the signs? Something awful happened to her when she was young. Those memories are triggered by intimacy, which tells me someone close to her did this to her. This has nothing to do with you. You only made the mistake of loving someone who can’t love you back. Detach and find someone who is healthy. Forget you ever met her.

      SD

  162. Joshua said

    Not really sure if I have a question, I have only known my loved one since April 4th, a man with a lot of baggage from his past which led him to the sometimes dangerous gay scene involving drugs and excessive sexual behaviour. Only after he raged at me (through whatsapp, only once so), I suspected border line amd started reading about it. Now he has not spoken to me for almost two weeks (we communicate through whatsapp), but his profile pic sugest that he and I are together. I am not mad, or frustrated, I am sad that someone who has already suffered so many sad things in his life, has BPD. I know you are kind of firm, I respect that, but a big part of me wants to care form him and protect him, it may sound silly, yes the attention and affection show is addictive, but I am a neutral in that respect. I guess I want to know what I can say to him even if doesn’t react. I want him to know he is loved and I will take care of myself, but I can’t just let a person rot.. Thanks for reading, Rog, the netherlands

    • savorydish said

      Hey Rog,
      We all cared for a borderline at one time or another but they have to want to heal. We can not force them. And we must always think about our own well-being because they will not. If they choose to rot, we can not force them to change their minds.

      • Joshua said

        Hi Savorydish, thanks for your reply. As of today he has contacted me again. I love him, but I have no expectations, I am not going to make his life worse, I will enjoy the moments we have together, I know we have no future, but he is also my friend.. Thanks for taking the time to respond. I appreciate that!!

  163. Henley said

    It can be summed up with:

    Its okay that we all took back a crazy at least once in our lives. Everyone does at some point.

    Its okay that we tried.

    Its okay that our journeys part.

    Its okay we got our hearts broken. That we feel searing pain followed by hollowness. We will be smarter next time. We will heal and recaputure happiness.

    It okay to turn all of that energy into yourself, be loving to yourself and strive for healthy in all aspects.

    Its okay.

  164. CLAUDe said

    Wow. I dated someone with BPD for close to six months. She was mean right off the bat but she was so good looking and the sex was great so I still kept going. She was highly manipulative, cunning and pretty much evil. But then something happened. I decided to leave the relationship even though I was addicted to the sex and she sucked me back in and was really sweet for a couple months. She had irrational jealousy the whole time but it really picked up. Any small perceived slight and I was the devil. When I became the devil, I disappeared. This happened probably 20 times in 6 months. The last time she said I lied which I did which I would have told her the truth she would have become extremely jealous. She painted me really black this time. This thing is nothing to fuck around with. I took off, blocked my phone and email. They use sex as a weapon because that’s all I’m thinking about. I’m a shell of my former self but I really feel sorry for her. It’s a terrible illness. I’ve gone dark on this woman and hope I never see or talk to this woman again. I won’t be dating for a while. I probably have PTSD or some shit. She said the most awful things to me but I put up with it to have sex with her which was sometimes 6 or 7 times a day. Ridiculous but looking back on it not worth it. If you see one run.

  165. Robert "Toerrishuman" said

    Hi everyone, I wanted to share my story. After my ex split me to black, I was still missing closure so I sent her an email. Here it is;

    Dear……
    I forgive you and I hope one day you can forgive me.
    Good-bye Robert.

    You would not believe the malicious and threatening email I received back. It was so bad I had to file it with my local police department for my protection.

    Once you have been split to black, that person who you thought you knew, will act out in such as crazy manner, it will freak you out. Please remember that you fell in love with an illusion, a BPD person has a false self image and they can turn on or off, or switch it around and change it to their liking depending on the situation. I now question myself in regards to her history, but I am at peace with this now because I don`t care anymore. I am just glad that I survived my BPD relationship with my life. I truly believe this, if I would of stayed I would of loss my sanity, my soul, my spirit, I would of died.

    Please think twice before reaching out to your ex BPD girlfriend. They live in a world of disillusion and the last thing they want is a person that would remind them of who they really are. Which is, fucked up!

    From gratitude. 🙂

    • Sammy C said

      WOW , Yeah Robert you are not alone Sir!!

      Good Luck !!!

      They all are fake as a three dollar bill. And have the ability to lie in grand style and other fake ass kissers want to be apart of nothing so bad, that they gas up the laying ass Sociopath !!! These people need to be put in jail or monitored with electronic systems so that they can’t do harm to others.

      Ass Holes Man !!!!

      • Robert "Toerrishuman" said

        Thanks for the candor Sammy! My ex-BPD is so messed up, she kept pictures of us together on her Facebook account to my daughter, which BTW made my daughter feel sad. As soon as I found this out, I asked my daughter took her off her friend list. I then discovered that on her regular Facebook page there are no pictures of us. Do you believe this? She was having a false self image to my daughter but to the rest of her friends and family that enable her, she has no pictures of me.

        I am so happy that I cut another tie with her and that I am protecting my family! I would also like to mention that my daughter did not have a problem taking her off, in fact she felt relieved.

        From gratitude. 🙂

  166. Can whoever owns the blog: mybpdrecovery that’s linked at the beginning regarding splitting black contact me? I’d really like to read your blog. Thanks!

  167. It’s been a year since we broke up, but really a couple months because she lied, manipulated, “tried to work things out”, slept with everyone on CL and split me black about a month ago when she stopped replying, answering, picking up etc. Haven’t contacted her since aug. 15th and she filed a restraining order against me this past week.

    • Robert "Toerrishuman" said

      Wow, Anthony that is nuts! I am happy to say it’s been over 6 months now since I woke up to the illusion and told my ex bdp girlfriend to leave. I have had no contact with her except my reaching out email. I am now coming to a conclusion of this experience. I am turning 48 this weekend and I will not allow myself to talk or think about my experience anymore. I am now focusing on what I use to do for a living which was the self improvement industry. I am re-inventing myself to get back into the motivation speaking industry, I want to give back and help others in all aspects of life.

      From gratitude. 🙂

      • Sammy C said

        @ Robert , Good For you man , Leave that fool alone man! Dude sex isn’t worth what these ass holes have really planned for you. Do you want to be a care taker for life? If so, then stay the corse but I bet you’ll be either a total shell of yourself , or dead if you hang too long my man , Her plan is to feed off you as long as she can and she will , and when she sucks the last of your veins dry , She will do you like mine here in Chicago did me , She’ll fuck the guy who hits on her at a bar when she’s was there waiting on you. Or the guy driving a fancy car who pulls over cause he likes the way her ass looks as she walking down the sidewalk, Or maybe even a guy you introduced her to as you and her was walking down the street. Or the fruit and veggies’ delivery boy whom she set up the moment she saw him so she could screw him every tuesday when he brings her veggies box to her. Never mind she was with you that very moment when she met the loser. She’ll go to a ethnic bar get with fake enablers call you a stalker use that to screw Male or Females from that bar and say it was all your fault. She’ll use her fake ass so called friends to say all types of evil things about you , based on your pass or things you told her about yourself . They are and I know mine was a beast dude , Get away man yuck , They have risky sex man while having sex with you…Really they do , Mine didn’t use protection she had rubbers around and made a guy wear it one time then what ever went it didn’t matter only her selfish needs man. She didn’t care about me ,or herself or anyone man. She is such a lying nasty whore , really she is man. I’m just talking about my ex man . I don’t know about yours! But let her so called friends tell it , Oh she is so smart , She has a degree , She owns a business she is so great , She isn’t shit but a fake with a job ! You aren’t her friend you are the next fool ….FOOOL , C’mon Man , C”mon Son , Have “swag” don’t be a fool for these people , They have been unleashed onto the world by evilness to screw over as many people as they can , And then they go back to their family of enablers and those whom know that they have big problems and laugh about what a tool you are and how they are making a sucker out of you!!!!

        Too Quote Sweet Brown !

        Ain’t NoBody Got time for That!!!!

        LOL

        Im happy cause I can tell the truth about her lying ass now with total passion. See my two years was a search for truth and I found that truth and figured why I was a co-dependent in the situation and now knowing that I’m at least 98% right if not more. I’m glad that she split me cause , as ex athlete I love to taunt people if I had to ,So I’m well again now it was hard I got hurt , But Oh, would I taunt this one !!!!

  168. Robert "Toerrishuman" said

    Wow, Sammy, you have described my ex to a T. While she was with me she dated other guys and when I took her out, she would talk about the guys she met and on our last date to a NHL game, she was busy texting her so soon to be boyfriend while she was with me and my kids. I felt like throwing up but I kept a straight face for my girls.

    I am so over the drama, I still am hard on myself for falling for all her lies. After doing the research on BPD, I discovered why she told me she had a heart condition, to cover up her panic attacks. I remember when she had one and I was about to call 911 and she told me that I couldn’t, that’s because the hospital would call her on her BS.

    It’s been over 6 months and I am doing okay. I am slowly starting to date but I am no rush. I am working on me for the first time in my life. My children love the new me and I am getting use to my new self-esteem and yes, I WAS very co-dependent and thanks to this experience, I am now addressing all my past emotional abuse issues. I have forgiven everyone and I am still working on forgiving myself.

    Thank you again for your message, for me you took more weight off as I read it. It amazes me that all our stories are so similar.
    I would also like to share that I posted on YouTube my process of overcoming a BPD break-up. Please visit my channel at:

    http://www.selfmisdirection.com

    I would not be where I am today, if it was not for Savory Dish’s site and for people like you. I feel like I have a new brother, thank you again Sammy C.

    From gratitude. 🙂

  169. Henley said

    Hey eveyone… we are have or are suffering from being with these people because we couldn’t stay healhy. Look into Codependents Anonomous. Google CODA. See if something there might speak to your pain. Hoe this helps…

    • Robert "Toerrishuman" said

      Thank you for the comment Henley, you reminded me of of my co-dependent nature that I have and to be honest, I think I buried it away somewhere. That’s okay, I brought it up to the surface again so now I can address it and then rid myself of this negative behavior as I move forward!

      I was so inspired, I made a video addressing this issue. I believe if we wake up to this behavior, we can speed up the process of being whole again to a new and improved version of ourselves!

      From gratitude. 🙂

  170. Amen Robert, to whom ever this was written to you need to listen, excuse my language here but with all due respect don’t let sex get you fuked up, and fucked over! You don’t deserve this type treatment nor do your kids!

    • Robert "Toerrishuman" said

      You bet Sammy! I hope Tom listens to everyone’s advice on this site. I know it’s tough to be in the eye of the storm but once you let logic take over, you will never look back. If someone truly loves you, they will not abuse you, emotionally, physically or mentally. Once you have recognized this, you then have to work on yourself and address why you would allow yourself to be in this type of relationship. When I had to wake up to my co-dependance, it was a tough pill to swallow but I did it. I am so proud of myself and my wish to everyone is that we all share this type of clarity. I cannot express how real I am with myself. It took me 48 years to get here and I am just getting started with my life.

      From gratitude. 🙂

  171. Sammy C said

    Hey , Song for the Month , We need to lighten it up just a bit guys ….The borderlines won’t like this though , Well who Knows…….Its Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers ……”Refugee”….. Ive heard this song for years…But just bothered to listen to the lyrics…….Its really a very sweet old good and when I’ve gotten down a bit this song picked me up a bit,….Tom says , Hey baby you don’t have to live like a refugee, Somewhere , somehow , Somebody musta kicked you around some , Tell me why you wanna lay there and revel in your abandon, Listen it don’t make no difference to me baby , Everybody’s had to fight to be free!!!!….Im having a hell if a time listening to this one!! Guys yeah , you tell those crazys Tom!!…LOL

  172. Sammy C said

    My man Chris says Trouble in your heart shaped world ,,,,WOW isn’t it the truth!!!! IT MAKES SO MUCH SENCE doesn’t it , We NONS wound up with trouble in our heart shaped worlds !!!!

    Wasn’t we some goddamn fools Whew!!!

    On the Animal planet for those who watch it or has seen it , What do predators do? They hunt their prey, We were nothing more than prey to them, And don’t fall for the line that they use on your hearts either , about going back to old friends …Its a lie , If they go back to a guy its cause he dissed her and in most cases she’s going back to see if she can turn him or her into prey as well , cause believe you me soon or later the BPD will eat that person alive as well!!!!

  173. Sammy C said

    @ Robert you telling me buddy , I am no stranger here , I been here for almost three years now ! This site saved what was left of my brain….After dealing with that bitch I had …So I am more than grateful my man really , cause most people I told just told me to get over it move on , And I made the mistake of telling someone who unbeknown to me could try to use my pain against me, So it was hard but I’m a fighter…They meaning, her and her foolish enablers , didn’t realize this ! But fools will underestimate you!

    And the BPD Ex simply doesn’t give a shit cause its all going according to her stupid plan anyhow! As long as in the end she get the supply she needs then fuck every body else!

  174. Sammy C said

    This Elton John song has a special meaning to me , I a more bigger way than what I’m using it for here today ! This songs been with me a long time , This CD has since I was a little boy!

    Hell my favored on here which is also a great Borderline song is

    called All the Young girls Love Alice

    Those wondering about the sex addiction of your ex ….Get a bit of fun out of that song , I won’t post it , But Pull it up on Youtube !!!!

    • Linda said

      I hadn’t heard that song in years – loved it when I was younger, will have to check it on youtube. You’re right, sounds like a borderline song.

  175. Question: I have a good friend who I believe is dating a BPD woman. I completely distrust this woman and I see a lot of signs that she is completely abusing and twisting him to her liking. I feel sorry for him because he is aware of a lot of lies she continues to tell (for instance, that she is married to him when they are NOT married) and I have my suspicions that she’s never been married although she hyphenated her name. I did some digging and have not been able to find anything about any marriage involving her. The reason I am scared for him is that he wants to end the relationship but I keep trying to warn him that he needs to be very careful. When her carefully constructed house of lies comes down, I am worried what she will do. Any thoughts on this? They live together but have no kids and don’t own the home together… yet he has the hardest time getting himself away from this woman although he admits he wants to leave and knows he will be so much happier. Seems to be somewhat of a co-dependent thing unfortunately. My main question though (sorry so long) is : do you see a lot of borderlines lying about relationship status to “keep up with Jones’ ” ? She has even gone so far as to have a “fake” wedding picture of herself on her desk at work and a fake ring she wears so her coworkers and boss will still believe she is married. He has said its pretty nuts and he knows she does it… but he’s scared to leave. I can see the trainwreck coming and its going to be all bad.

    • savorydish said

      Every BP is different. Some BPs live sheltered lives, but others (esp. ones with histrionic tendencies) go out of their way to live “normal” lives. But without treatment, they are just living lies and struggling to maintain deception. If she is that deceptive, your friend needs to get out now.

  176. Tim said

    Marie – Thank you so much for your comments. I really am seeing what you mean about this group. You all have been amazing to me and I am so thankful for the help. I am really having a tough time. The breakup process with my ex really began around May. She had been commenting for a while that she wanted a committment from me, and on our two year anniversary I gave her a promise ring. I made it an amazing romantic evening and two days later she lost it over a delay in getting a text from me because my cell battery died. She kept wearing the ring…even though in the 60 days after I gave it to her…she broke up with me 4 times. It’s like she was using the ring to fight off demons or something. I have read a term used by some on here..euphoric recall. How do you defeat the urge to do that…the good with her was the best I’ve ever had in my life…but the bad was a mind numbing nightmare…the pain from which is excruciating. I have heard that re-prioritizing the memories you share with a bpd…putting all the bad ones in the front of your mind for a while…gets you through the tough parts of NC….is that so?

    Thank you again so much…all of you are truly giving me back some peace…and I appreciate it.

  177. Tim said

    I am so happy to receive all the help from everyone. It is lifting a tremendous weight for me. Could I ask about the hoovering issue. We have broken up so many times…and I inevitably fall for the tactics she uses and have gone back and back…regretting it sometimes instantly…other times it takes a while. Is there a point at which a bpd person no longer hoovers you? Is there a sign that tells you things have gotten to that milestone? She leads an extremely busy life with three girls from two different fathers…(p.s. – she has three failed marriages prior to me…and is adopted.). She works full time and has a lengthy commute. She constantly pads her life with volunteer work for GIrl Scouts…school volunteering…soccer mom stuff…craft classes…. Will that eventually take over for her so I wont hear anymore? This last weekend she hoovered me like a master simply by saying I miss you. What am I doing wrong by falling for that…what do I need to change? Will she eventually just give up?

    • Tim said

      Hi everyone – I have been out of the loop for a while regarding the carnage of my BPD relationship ending. There has been such intense devaluation its mind boggling. She was cycling for a while through the leave me alone…oh and by the way you are a major…(_________) fill in the blank. She did this numerous times. I am guessing its over now because I have only heard twice in recent days…and both of them were harsh emails. She sent me one titled…”I’ve figured you out..finally”. It was full of attacks about my character…she called me a sexual deviant…said I was perverted and mean to her. None of this is true. I was supportive till the end..and the only thing that broke down was communication. It broke down so harshly that she walked. My question to anyone is…in these last two emails she has made some harsh statements about our ending…talking about how she has values and morals and I dont…she lives her life focusing on good behaviour and responsibility…she says I dont….its all very harsh and very wrong. Do I defend myself and try to set the record straight…or do I just let this go? I feel she is so blatantly wrong about this…I almost want to say something, but I know arguing with a bpd person is pointless. Feedback is appreciated!

      • Laura said

        Hello Tim,

        I tried to defend myself, when I still thought my friend was “normal”. Obviously she wasn’t, but I didn’t event know about BPD when I met her. Defending myself (with the truth) was just making her worse and worse, and making me miserable. When you point out inconsistencies and lies, you make them feel them crazy, therefore they behave even more aggressively, and dangerously, because they’re in denial.
        They literally can’t see things rationally, as things are. They have to invent an alternative reality to fit their emotions. They won’t accept objective reality. It’s difficult for “normal” people to really get this. 😦 And to accept it, and to “give up”.

        From A.J. Mahari’s “BPD Punishment and Revenge”

        “A “Theory of Mind” is a specific cognitive ability to understand others as intentional agents – agents separate from oneself – that is, to interpret their minds in terms of theoretical concepts of intentional states such as beliefs and desires. Interpreting other people’s actions and intentions involves a mutual ascription of contentful mental states such that the understanding of the social world around us becomes coherent and intelligible. People with BPD lack the ability of mutual ascription when triggered into dyresgulated emotions that have their roots in their unresolved abandonment trauma. Punishment and seeking revenge are examples of the manifestation of a lack of theory of mind and conceptualization of experience through emotions that belong to the world of the young child and that in the adult with BPD are now dysfunctional and pathological and that remain within those with BPD in what is a parallel emotional world. ”

        Best wishes!

  178. kefehu said

    Dear Savory Dish and others,

    Please HELP! I really need a good advice how to solve a problem with my ex-girlfriend, who has BPD.

    Short story: after breaking up last year December, we became close again this summer. 1 month ago she split me back without any reason, and all my attempts to make the situation better failed. Now I would like to ignore her, and close her from my life, but the problem is that we are colleagues, working together. She was traveling in the past 2 weeks, and I tried the ‘no contact’ solution, as that worked before. We met yesterday at work, and I kindly asked about her trip as a colleague. Her answer was shocking, instead of talking about the trip, she had, she started to have a fight about us, and wants me to quit my job.

    How can I stop her hating me and convince her to keep a healthy professional relationship?

    Shall I try to convince her? I asked her yesterday whether she saw me as a good person. She told me yes, I was a good person. Then I asked her why she hated me? The answer was: ‘because you are obsessed with me’. I haven’t contacted her at all in the past 2 weeks, and I even have girlfriend by now. Shall I tell her that I moved on, and her accuse about being obsessed in nonsense?

    Many thanks, longer story will follow soon!

    • savorydish said

      The solution is simple- stay away from her. Easier said than done. I know. But you can not make her stop hating you. Intimacy triggers her rage.

      • kefehu said

        Hi Savorydish,

        Thanks for the quick reply. I know that would be the good solution, but it’s not possible to do it. We are working together in the same lab on the same instrument. We have to see each other every day, and we also have the same group of friends.

      • savorydish said

        Seriously consider changing jobs. This woman will ruin you

  179. There are no words that can properly convey the seriousness of savory’s advice. This isn’t a college class. This isn’t a chick you used to date but you have a civil relationship now due to work and both of you having moved on. No No No.

    I can say that I feel with near certainty that if the situation presented itself to her to get you fired and damage your reputation at the same time she would not spend a second considering other options.

    This is your livelihood. This is your reputation. This is your future. It’s much more important than trying to make something impossible possible. And deep down inside you know this is the right thing to do. Far far away.

    • kefehu said

      Dear Savory Dish and Ant,
      Thank you very much for the useful suggestions. During the weekend I also discussed the issue with my very close friend, who knows the BPD as well. She suggested to prepare for the worst and look for a lawyer. She also suggested to stop hugging her when we meet. I know it sounds crazy, but until yesterday, she always gave me a big hug when we met or said goodbye. Even after a big fight, or in front of our colleagues. So when we met yesterday, and she wanted to hug me, I jumped away, and asked her to stop physical contact. She was really surprised, and asked if I was sick, or what the reason was behind that. I told her that I don’t want to have any physical contact as we are no longer friends. After this, a crazy rage started. Her face changed, she started to shake and yell at me in the lab. Few days ago in a conversation, she admitted that I was a good person. In her rage yesterday, she called me a mean, bad person because 1 month ago when we had a work dinner, I wanted to be polite and asked her to bring her male friend, she started to hang out all the time. Initially she didn’t want to bring the guy to the dinner as it was about work, but in the last moment she changed my mind. Now I am mean because the main topic at the table was work, and her friend couldn’t understand it. I have tried to defend myself, but her anger just increased. Then I left her alone for 10 min, and when I came back to the lab, she was just like a colleague.

      It’s very hard to deal with her, and I feel pity for her now that I know that she is mentally ill. I wish I could help her somehow, but I know that she wouldn’t believe me if I told her that she had mental problems. Instead she thinks that I am crazy, and I bring drama to her life.

      Here is our story with more details:
      She has already ruined my personal life, as when I met her I was freshly married. She convinced me to divorce my wife, and marry her. Everything was perfect till the point of my divorce. After I got divorced, the BPD just dumped me without any reason, and blocked me everywhere. She still contacted me via e-mail occasionally, and 2 months after I stopped replying her e-mails, she contacted me and apologized for the misunderstandings in the past. We started to hang out together, and became very close again, all my friends thought that we were dating. When everything was perfect, she asked for space, started to fight with me and stopped hanging out. We are still friends of facebook, and have each other on Skype and whatsapp. I was thinking about blocking her, but that would be very immature, and anyway we have to discuss work almost every day. I have read a lot about BPD, but I feel like I can’t handle the situation, or change her mind about me. She is leaving in four months, I just have to survive the winter.

  180. Dan said

    How about a woman that pursues you hard.Gets you into a relationship quickly.Gives you a key to her place within the first month.Then 7 months in turns into a cold distant mess.Would that be the sign of a borderline women?

  181. Dan said

    I told her the last time we talked that there was something wrong with her that I could not put my finger on.I mean who pulls you into a relationship only to pull the rug out from under you so quickly?Of course she told me there was something wrong with me.4 months later I still am trying to process the whole experience with her.

  182. Thing is this. They just didn’t happen to run into us. Our disposition made us very open and easy to manipulate. I would say that everyone who’s been with a BPD woman has a hard time putting himself first and creating boundaries for ourselves. So the key to the next four months is: 1. Put your needs first. 2. Create healthy boundaries for yourself. 3. Stick by them. As soon as they see you’ll bend, they’ll jump all over it. And tell yourself every morning: “It will not be different. She will not change. The same thing will happen but worse.” Now the concern is if you do this it will frustrate her. Your friend suggested a lawyer for a reason. You need to be watching yourself. She comes to hug you and you hug then push away? She’s in HR filing sexual harassment. Mine did a restraining order based on lies. Watch your back at all times. Check your bag before you leave work every day and make sure she hasn’t put something in there and then report you for stealing.

    My last advice is look for another job. I don’t think in the end she’ll wanna leave and not have her eye on you every day, all day.

    Good Luck

  183. Don’t say a word. You cannot and will never win. Period.

  184. Tim said

    Hello all – I hope this note finds everyone making progress in your own respective healing periods. My BPD relationship has done more damage to me than I ever thought possible…and I am literally taking it day by day. An unfortunate occurence lately is that my bpd ex is sending me these allegedly heartfelt texts and emails taunting me by saying how there are so many things she misses from being with me. Then when I respond in some miscellaneous “calm” reply…she slams my fingers in the desk again by saying…I shouldnt have written…we dont work….I couldnt ever be with you again! She does this over and over…its like she’s trying to punish me or give me some false hope…then to simply yank it away and observe the damage…..I almost think she enjoys it. What does this mean? Why is she doing this. I’ve left her alone…havent texted…

  185. Tim said

    Hi All – I havent been on in a while, but I really need help. I recently…in the last few weeks…went through a horrible, seemingly final breakup with my borderline ex. There were super nasty exchanges and all kinds of hurtful things said. Today…she shows up at the store I work at, plants a big kiss on me, and suggests that we get back together. She is sticky sweet…swears she loves me…cant live without me. She wants to lie to our collective children, supposedly for their benefit, and tell them that we are just friends. My children dont even want me dating her. And…and…she wants us to date…exclusively, for 8 years so that when our youngest children finish high school in their respective towns, we can be married and live happily ever after. I suggested friends…although I dont even really believe in that….and she says that if I dont take the eight year plan that all my claims of loving her that I made in the past are crap. How do I end this…do I end this…what do I do now.? She is a troubled person who has treated me horribly…and she is once again splicing all the good together to try to convince me to devote my life to basically a plan of celibacy…adhering to her demands and schedule until my children are 18. I will be 57 years old then. HELP!

  186. I think in this situation you just simply take one step back and really look at what she is saying. Now ask yourself…if one of your buddies was in this situation and he asked if he should do it your answer would be an immediate NO. Step out of the BPD fog and look at how ridiculous what she is proposing is. Then look at the negative consequences it would have on your children. I’m not even going to write anymore on whether you do it or not, I think that’s obvious.

    What’s also obvious is her manipulation is continuing. No one, NO ONE can tell you whether your love for her in the past was real or not but you. She can think all she wants. You know you loved her. And you can hold that forever. But now if you dig through the hurt, the pain, the anguish, the right thing to do is end it. This will not stop. It will get worse. It will continue to fuck with your mind. And like you said you will be in your 50’s having wasted years with someone that will never be stable, a true give & take relationship, a relationship that has empathy, compassion, forgiveness, and the ability to look at yourselves and admit wrong doing. It will never have these features. You gotta rip off the band aid, deal with the pain that will eventually get better and let go and move on.

    I highly suggest therapy, and therapy with a therapist that doesn’t just “know” of BPD, but has training and experience. It’s helped me so much, a price cannot be placed on it. The therapy is what is going to get you over the hump.

    The hardest and most hurtful choice in your mind, the one you don’t wanna do is probably the right choice.

    Peace buddy.

  187. jay said

    happy thanksgiving everyone.
    i haven’t posted in a long time here.
    guess that is partly a result of the fact that i have actually been doing reasonably well lately. still living with the no contact. although that is not really what i would prefer. still miss the bitch like crazy. but otherwise, life is pretty good. got friends and family. got video games. got tv.
    got tons of great food. got free time to go on adventures or relax by myself. got mischievous furry animals who got my back.

    of course i can understand that having ones mind body and soul completely shredded, defiled and otherwise fucked up can make it difficult for a person to find enjoyment in just about anything.

    but right now personally, i feel like there’s just too much else out there to just feel like shit all the time heart aching over one disaster of a relationship.

    everyone have a great weekend.
    peace and love.
    happy happy happy!
    joy joy joy!

  188. Kris said

    I mean….wow.

    I am sure you receive plenty of messages on this, but I cannot believe the accuracy of everything I am reading. I dated someone for about a year (6 months of it long distance) and the honeymoon period for 2 months when he came home, and then 4 months of pure and utter chaos. To this day, I wonder if he is BPD, b/c he was never truly diagnosed, but when so much resounds after reading about BPD and hits home, there has to come a time when I face the music here.

    From the get go this guy had red flags written all over him. A successful surgeon who probably was hands down the mist beautiful man I have ever seen in real life, yet incredibly insecure and….the thing I always noticed about him, he always had this empty look in his eyes. I always chalked it up to him being exhausted from surgeries, but my gut told me it was something mucg more than that..it was like nothing was behind those eyes.

    We started off rocky–I wasn’t into him, which I am sure shocked him, since he gets whoever he wants, given his looks and profession. He chased me, loved that I was a challenge, and then when I became lonely, is when I decided ot ‘give in’ and give him a chance, since he had already sent me long emails about missing out on the right person, since I am too picky. The long emails should’ve been my first clue to run, and initially I did, but then i reread them and found it refreshing that someone was so in tune with their feelings…..and that’s when I started to fall.

    We had a long distance relationship for the first 6 months of when I started to fall…..but it seemed to be pretty rocky too. As committed as I was, he would question it, then tell me he wasn’t sure he could give me his full heart, as he ‘just didn’t like my apprehension to things’. If I had a bad reaction to something, I swear, it was like I had just committed murder. He couldn’t handle me having bad days or emotional reactions, and so help me, if I did, he would take 30 steps back, break things off, and not sure this is BPD trait, but he also would never let me forget about it…..even 16 months after the fact.

    Annnyway, right before he came back home, he sent me yet another lengthy email about how much I have changed his life, and i am the only person who has made an attempt on getting ot know him. He did a 180 from a month ago saying how his heart wasn’t ready, but at the time, I had no idea what in the hell was wrong with him, so i blamed myself for being so selfish, and welcomed him home with open arms and a hopeful heart…all went sooo well for the first 60 days….it was like he needed me so badly, I was 1000000% he would/could not live without me and wouldn’t leave me…he was so damn attached to me, he hated not spending one night away from me. So, imagine my surprise when I messed up one night (i actually was being a brat one night and had quite the attitude and prob was a little too hard on him than I had to be) and he broke things off–just like that. Long story short, I convinced him every time he broke up with me to get back together and that I couldn’t lose him and then we’d spend hours of HOURS of draining conversation about how HURT he was and has been from me, and I would just sit there and listen..and apologize…half the time I didn’t know what the hell I was aplogizing for, but I have to tell you, I felt so guilty for hurting this man so much. He admitted he knew he had a lot of chaos at baseline, and being with me brought out too many of his insecurities, and he didn’t think it was healthy, so I then apologized for….being myself basically….and swore I could love him the way he needed. Well, I tried….and things seemed to go back to happy, until one night, after house hunting for him, I told him I was skeptical of moving in with him so suddenly and didn’t want to be in a relationship where I couldn’t be myself….and how i just wanted to make sure that we were in an ok spot before moving in together…and that was it. He said he wants to be with someone who is sure, and is tired of feeling not good enough. He ended things…but didn’t completely cut me out . (This was last February). I fought for him, because I am an idiot in love, and insisted he just give us a chance, and one day he’d tell me ‘you’re worth the fight, I hope to hell my heart is yours one day’ and the next I would hear through the grapevine him complaining to friends on how he wish I’d leave him alone. I was so damn confused, and the more I would call him to figure it out the more he’d yell at me and accuse me of starting a fight and how we kept circling the same issues over and ovre again. What always amazed me, is how he would turn the conversation onto me…and I would sit there and take it like I had no backbone. I would leave the conversations in complete shock, only to wake up the next day felling like I really messed it up with an amazing person and I hated how angry he was at me.

    Well, after receiving an email from him in march about how amazing I am, and how he couldn’t believe how he didn’t take fault for anything, and apologizing for everything, and telling me to be patient with him while he sought out healing on his own, 3 weeks later, he called me, cold as stone, ending the entire relationship for good, telling me to ‘move on already’ and he has tried ending things with me plenty of times but I wouldn’t listen. I was so hurt and couldn’t sort out reality from…anything. I was supposed to go to Belize 2 weeks later with friends, and tried cancelling but thankfully I didn’t, and ended up going with a very heavy heart and sadly, hoping this space would make his less angry with me…and I sent one last heartfelt email about how sorry i was again for the pain i caused, and wished him well.

    No response and 10 days after i sent email and came home from Belize, i noticed he had gotten back on faceBook, deleted me and all but one of my friends, uploaded a new pic of a new girl, and had the in a relationship status.

    I never heard from him again, and just heard that he moved to Colorado to be with her and how happy he is….he did send me my belongings a few months ago with nothing…no note saying ‘here is your stuff’…i hate that it still affected me…i just couldn’t understand how someone is in your life for a year, and they cut you out, just like that, like a bad cancer, and then to post pics when it was clear I was already having a difficult time with the ending of our relationship was so cruel..he knew I’d see it, but claimed to a friend who called him out ‘I don’t want K to see this, please don’t tell her’… if that were true, why post it on a public site? Yeah, I know i am talking in circles, I just have never written about this before, and I didn’t realize how angry I still am at him….

    I honestly think for me, the hardest part is the way they break up with you….I legit felt like a horrible person with everything he said I did to him, yet he was the one meeting other women, while still stringing me along. I would cry to this man (sob, actually) about forgiving me and how sorry i was, and that’s when he would start screaming at me ‘YOU BROKE MY HEART’….over and over again…I felt, again, like I had murdered someone with the amount of hostility I felt for him.

    His mom said he suffered from a persecution complex, so I started reading about that, then stumbled on your site, among a few others. I am so convinced he has BPD….it’s just sometimes I have self doubt and think ‘well…..maybe i really DID mess up that bad to where he hates me…’. I did make it difficult for him to dump me…

    Another weird thing…his ex wife left him on his bday with the man she’s married to now. Seems like it would take someone really angry to leave your husband and clean out house on his bday–and he said he reached out to her to apologize and she sent back a nasty reply to never contact her again…but then again, he did tell me, some of his last words ‘you’re the only woman I have left; everyone else has left me. How does it feel to be that woman?’

    Ouch.

  189. Jen said

    I read all these comments, on this site and many others. I want to clarify. I am a borderline. I’ve spent years and years behaving in patterns that I, myself, could not understand. I have finally become self-aware enough, to see the problem, and to want to change my actions. I can’t speak for other borderlines, only for myself. But when I see people write that we are toxic, loveless, non caring, horrible people, I have to disagree. I rage, yes. I push you away, I will viciously attack you with my words. But it’s not about YOU, it’s because I am hurting so badly and I am so afraid you are lying to me and trying to trick me or hurt me or make a fool out of me, that I know of no other way to handle this pain. It’s horrible. It hurts me just as it hurts you. It feels like my brain is constantly racing, trying to stay 2 steps ahead of you trying to hurt me. I can’t trust my perceptions of your actions, and if I ask you I don’t know if I can trust your response. You did not ask for this, neither did I. But try for a moment to imagine living with no peace, with constant fear and turmoil inside your head. This is what it feels like to be a borderline, at least for me. It’s not about you, destroying you or ruining your life, it’s about preserving myself. That’s not to justify the actions, it’s just to maybe give the readers some insight, we are trying to save ourselves, we were never taught a productive way to do that.

    • Kris said

      Thanks for writing that; it’s always interesting to read it from a Borderline’s perspective. Can I ask though, when you split someone, or decide to cut them out, do they still cross your mind, or is it as if we never existed? I think that’s my biggest challenge with my situation on dating a BPD-the way he discarded me, revised history to somehow not recall any of the good times we had, and never talked to me again. To love with all my heart, and have it end that way, just seems brutally unfair and almost uncalled for. Granted, life is unfair, and I get that things don’t always work out in the dating game, but how is it that the BPD cal just turn so cold, when a week before they were confessing their undying love to you? (I do realize this type of behavior doesn’t apply to all BPD’s, so if this isn’t you, then I understand you cant really answer that..)

  190. Laura said

    Interesting article, about sociopaths. I see many similarities with what happened to me:

    “- the idealisation stage, where the sociopath shows herself in the best possible light – but this phase is an illusion, to draw her target in
    – the devaluation stage begins gradually so the target is not alert to the sociopath’s transformation to being cold and unfeeling, but will begin to feel devalued at every turn; the more distressed the target becomes, the more the sociopath enjoys her power, and her abuse can become more extreme
    – the discarding stage – the target is reduced to an object to which the sociopath is indifferent, seeing the game as won; the sociopath rejects any connection, moving on to the next target.”

    I identify with this:

    “People are often attracted to empaths because of their compassionate nature. A particular attribute is that they are sensitive to the emotional distress of others. Conversely, they have trouble comprehending a closed mind and lack of compassion in others. ”

    I still can’t believe what happened to me. I can’t understand her lack of compassion for me. If I could, I would probably have detached as soon as I realised. I would instead make up excuses for her, thinking that she was in pain. And the nastier she was, the more I felt compassion for her, because I thought she was in pain. But I have no clue. it’s still something that I can’t get. She looked human, so I thought she was like me. But I guess there are wolves between us. But is BPD so similar to sociopathy?

    http://www.sott.net/article/268449-Empathic-people-are-natural-targets-for-sociopaths-protect-yourself

    • Sammy C said

      Laura , this is totally what I went through, Its really very very sad what these people do. And what you’ve explained here is what they do do in a nut shell. Whats even more sad is what people around the sociopath who knows damn well what this person does , allow them to do to others.

      • Laura said

        Sammy, I’m sorry that you went through the same pain. I still feel I haven’t healed from it. Sometimes I still try to contact my friend to explain her what happened and why. Every time, she gets worse, just more and more verbally abusive. I can’t remove her completely from my life, and it seems she can’t completely remove me (as keeping me as a Facebook friend). :/

    • Linda said

      This sounds like what I went through, in a matter of months. Inappropriate boundaries/giving at the beginning, then the punishment and cold distancing began. I just tried to keep my head down and do my work. It imploded at the end – I really suspected this person was a sociopath.

  191. Laura said

    (I don’t know how to edit my message; I meant “among us”, sorry about my English 😀 )

  192. Amy said

    I suffer Bpd and have been in treatment for 4 yrs. I agree with this article.

  193. john said

    i just went through my first bpd relationship. most disturbing and selfish act a woman could do to a man.
    they should be locked away in a padded cell or put to sleep. they do this over and over again. one of the worst travesties there is, to play and exploit anothers emotions. ” no mercy”

    • Laura said

      Very well said! 😦

    • savorydish said

      While I understand the anger, I can not (in good conscience) condone putting borderlines to sleep or even in a padded cell. Even in jest. We all have good reason to be angry, but we must be careful that we do not become them. We should hold people accountable for their horrid behavior while holding ourselves accountable.

  194. Linda said

    This article has really been informative. You perfectly describe the employment/living situation I just left – completely borderline behavior. I initially thought this person was psychotic, she was so vicious and unjustified in her rigidity and behavior. Everything you describe is the way the person behaved. And I was warned after I moved up there that she had problems with relationships, I just didn’t know what to expect. I was lucky I got out. Thanks for the info.

  195. Sammy C said

    Oh Ok , We’ll just leave it at that on your local ok. Yeah that Elton John Song is a great Borderline explanation song. Check it out. It takes a lot of different things to untangle yourself from the grip of these demons !!!!!

    Really it did for me! It really did, When I first came to Savory Dish I couldn’t stop talking about her crazy ass, now I only talk about that whole clown shit situation if I so chose. Really when you look at em. Its like a sad, to funny , back to sad , then to horror , episode of Bozo’s Big Top Circus Show!!! I’m serious 🙂

    I am happy about that in every way that I don’t pay that particular Clown very much mind anymore….!!!

    But they are Hoovers, So you just never know what trick they’ll pull next.

  196. Jay-Jay Jaded said

    “Others will say “separate the person from the disorder”. If any other person engaged in this type of abusive activity, they would be written off as a scumbag.”

    And that’s what it really comes down to. When you brush away all the fancy diagnostics and the validation techniques, that’s the simple, honest truth. High functioning BPD are selfish, dangerous, lying, manipulative assholes most, if not all of the time.

    Hold them responsible.

  197. Laura said

    I think I’ve reached “the official end” with my “friend”. I still had her as a Facebook contact, where she was either ignoring me or insulting me if I tried to contact her (It’s been very hard for me to give up). I was trying to tell her that she had to block me there, to be consistent with the way she was treating me, and since she thought I was such a stupid person. But she didn’t, for months. So I wrote to her work address, to be heard. I needed her to click on that “block” button. I didn’t want to be the one to do it; she had to make at least that “effort”, also because it gives her the control over it. If I do it, I’d be tempted to unblock her eventually.
    In my request I was very gentle, calm and affectionate. And rational.

    But this is what I got as an answer. It’s incredible how it’s the same reaction. Wanting the other person to feel crazy, sick, stupid… And the stalking part is so similar to what I’ve read here.
    She only had to block me; she didn’t have to write at all.

    Here it is:
    —————

    AaaaaaaaaaaaaaahHHHHHHHH mentally sick retard finally stalking my work address!!!!! I’m scared to death!!!!
    Oh you want me to remove you from my Facebook, fine!!! Yes yes I’ll do it ASAP!!!! In fact I’be been thinking of abondoning that shitty SNS account altogether, I’m never an SNS person anyway(I was just invited by Theresa) and now I’ve had enough of this!!!! On Facebook I’ve had the worst friendship experience ever, I’ll NEVER EVER do the random friend making on it ever again!! I’ve met the lowest quality “friend” there, anyway I’ve never seen an SNS person who’s very smart… which is natural, thinking of who can be doing such a thing all day long.

    I’m now too sick and tired of this mental person who stopped growing mentally at 11, who can forever think of the ONLY reason that she’s rejected to be THE OTHER PERSON’s problem… in (harsh)reality, what you need is a psycho clinic or an elementary school to go back. She believes I’m “unwell”(LOL), because “there’s nooooothing wrong with me ahh(because my dad and husband say so!!)”, while stalking me even to my work address… I already know that she’s simply HOPELESS, she’ll never ever know what was really wrong. Yes I’ve been sort of sick for years because of a retarded talk by a cute friend, and now I’m feeling A WHOLE LOT BETTER without her. I’m so sick and scared of this retard, I’m ready to go to net police if there’s one!!!

    Stay in your tiny happy world where your loving family(enablers) say only good things about you, making you forever an ungrown happy kid. I am NOT the one who can seriously talk about LIFE with you!!!! Stay in your happy empty head with nothing but flowery field forever!! BYE BYE!!!!!

    • savorydish said

      Wow. This one is a full blown histrionic. Look at all those exclamation points.

      A person in denial will alternate between dead silence and full blown attack. They will also accuse you of being crazy. Because you must be crazy to think they are crazy. Right?

      • Laura said

        It’s exactly this. 😦
        She was pushing me away, while keeping me “in proximity” so that I could see that she was ignoring me on purpose. And occasionally she would have this kind of reaction if I pointed out that this wasn’t a healthy way of relating. Of course I could have walked away, but it’s been like an emotional prison for me (as for many others :/ ).

  198. Dan said

    That was brutal.Kind of reminded me of one of the last text messages I got from my ex girlfriend.

    • Laura said

      I hope it can show people that they’re not alone; that these personalities exist, and this is what it looks like. I still can’t believe that this happened to me. It will take me a while to get it out of my system.

  199. Anthony Soroka said

    What’s it going to take for you to realize that you cannot change her? That she’ll never truly take a look at herself and see her flaws, admit to them and do something about it? You’re beating a dead horse. The second you drop the bat and walk away from the pain, anger, manipulation and work on you things will brighten. Clouds will turn to sun. Grey becomes blue. A glass of $2 Trader Joes Merlot becomes a glass of perfectly aged Opus One and Savory Dish puts a link on the site to contact him. ; )

    Seriously though it only gets better when you start to let go. It’s hard. It’s very very hard. But it’s the truth.

    Good Luck!

    • Laura said

      Thank you very much! I’ve been talking to therapists and I understood what happened in me, and why it has been so hard and painful. The emotional liberation is coming slowly though. I consider it to be as a radioactive toxic material; it takes a while to clear up.
      This blog and A.J. Mahari’s work have been extremely helpful for me.

  200. Laura said

    The therapists said that the contact with this friend probably awakened an old pain from childhood that was never conscious to me.
    I found someone in deep distress and I wanted to save her, because I could feel that she wanted to be saved. But actually I also wanted to sooth that part of me which was in pain. I got emotionally involved in ways that were too intertwined with her trauma and distress. When this contact worked and I could make her happy, it was of course very gratifying and making me feel “more alive”. When it stopped working (for her “borderline” reactions), the urge to get it back was like needing more “drug”. It’s not a “normal” pain for losing someone in a healthy way.
    They also told me that my friend probably had BPD. And what they predicted happened. I think they got it right about me, and also about her. The difference now is that I’m exploring and “growing”; she apparently wants to stay where she is. And I have to accept it.

  201. Laura said

    I think it should be done through therapy, by addressing the original pain. I don’t think I’m “repaired” already, but I’m feeling better about what happened to me in this “friendship” and about the reasons why I fell into this “trap”. I think that psychodynamic therapy is very good for this.

  202. Henley said

    How to repair yourself — go to coda.org and go through the codependcies characteristics. There is laot of help there, online and in meetings. Seek to get yourself healthy.

  203. kefehu said

    Dear Savory Dish and others,
    I have posted my story back in November about my ex BPD, named Coco, who was yelling at me at work without any reason sometimes, and threatened/blackmailed me many times. I was thinking about getting a lawyer, but I didn’t do that. Now it’s too late as she has filed a harassment complain against me at HR. We work together, and she threatened me many times that she would have my ass kicked out of the country if I don’t quit my job. Do you have any advice what I could do? I am now collecting all the evidence about her behavior and looking for a good lawyer. I don’t know whether she is diagnosed with BPD. If I can prove that she has borderline, that could help my case a lot.

    Thanks for the help in advance!

    • savorydish said

      The only advice I have is to get as far away from this woman as possible. She will ruin you. The same advice we gave you months ago.

      • kefehu said

        Thanks Savorydish, fortunately she is leaving in 4 weeks. Unfortunately, it’s too late. Because of her completely nonsense accusation, I am losing my job. Our boss doesn’t even want to see the tons of evidence I have to prove that the BPD person was threatening me many times. I have never had any issues like this in my life before. Does it help if I sue her? Is here anyone with similar experience? I just want to clear my name and prove that I am the victim here.

      • savorydish said

        I’m not an attorney so I can’t give you legal advice. Sorry about your misfortune. All you can do is pick up the pieces of your life and create a better life. Avoid these kinds of women at all costs. You have seen what they can do to you.

  204. Marc B said

    This by far is the most accurate description of BPD that I’ve read. I’ve just been thru a breakup w one. And yes it’s unbelievable how this meek and mild mannered woman turned into a harpy automaton overnight. I had my fair share of issues to add to the relationship, no lie, and I guess on some level I knew things were not quite what they seemed. I started to feel used financially (which turned out to be the truth) and in the end once I had nothing left for her to suck dry, I became the villain 100%. It’s taken me months just to return to some semblance of normalcy. The hardest part is the fact that I was grieving an illusion. It’s like someone died, but they’re still alive however that person is no longer there. I also got sucked back in after the breakup only to be ripped to shreds and toyed with all over again. I in turn ripped right back. I did feel bad for a while about that but I guess it doesn’t matter because it was all just a game for her anyway. She deserved it. I love the advice to run like hell from these people. They will take you down with them and before you know it you’ll start mimicking their dysfunctional behavior due to the enmeshment. If you aren’t mentally ill yourself you’ll feel remorse and accept blame and apologize as if you’re dealing with a normal person, and they’ll let you take all the blame. I’m not saying, again, that I don’t have my own issues, but my advice after this experience is do not try to apply any rationale to someone whose personality shifts overnight. These are consummate actors and actr