Seeking Fame

July 8, 2018

My BPDex was always obsessed with fame. She sought it out. She wanted to be famous and surround herself with famous people.

For her, it was an easy way to escape her tragic past and her dysfunctional present. Being almost famous flattered her fragile ego.

But if the recent deaths of Anthony Bourdain and Kate Spade has taught us anything, it’s that fame is a world inhabited by damaged people.

Fame is a drug that they use to fix the sadness… many times, while drinking heavily or using actual drugs to numb the pain.

The reality is fame does not fix sadness. It covers it up. We are always shocked to learn when famous people do themselves in, because they do such a good job of covering up the profound levels of sadness that has gripped their mind.

It is in these moments when my BPDex seeks fame that usually signal her most vulnerable moments. Her family should put her on suicide watch.

Bourdain and Spade were at the top of their fame when they took their own lives. Families of these troubled people need to learn the signs as I have. LaLaLand is not as fabulous as it appears to be.

The Lost Traveler

June 10, 2018

Suicides are on the rise and we lost a great man. Anthony Bourdain was a gift to the rest of us. Many were happy to live vicariously through him and his journeys.

Perhaps it’s fitting that this started off as a food blog. But things took a sudden turn when I became more aware of mental illness and troubled souls.

Why do creative minds like Bourdain and Kate Spade fall victim to suicide? I turn to Dr. Drew for his experience with troubled celebrities.

I was not surprised when the good doctor suggested there is a strong correlation between fame and childhood trauma. That’s what I have discovered in my own journeys.

I was not surprised to learn that a recovering drug addict can still experience emotional lows… long after they have quit the drugs. In fact, they will always be more prone to such tendencies.

Self-medication is a common theme amongst troubled souls. Fame is a drug. Success is a drug. But what we find out, time and time again, is that neither is a substitute for self-examination and exhaustive treatment.

If you are a person who suffers from constant thoughts of suicide, commit yourself to treatment. Use that 1-800 number in an emergency. But dedication to treatment is the only way out of this dark hole.

And the Oscar goes to…

March 11, 2018

Hollywood loves to glamorize dysfunctional people. And they do just that in I, Tonya . But I’m not here to give a film review.  I’m here to point out the effects of C-PTSD.

If you haven’t noticed, I changed the title of this blog. “Savory Dish” was meaningful when this was a food blog. But it seems like an odd and cryptic title for a blog about dysfunctional women.  Some will accuse me of being sexist.  But those are drama queens playing the victim. You know who you are… And we know who you are.

“Savage Women” does not apply to women in general. It applies to a small population of women who suffer from some sort of trauma-related disorder. So, what makes a savage woman… savage? In my research, childhood abuse/neglect seems to be the common thread.

I bring up this film in particular because it provides great insight into the lives of savage women aka toxic women aka Cluster Bs. Tonya Harding, as she is portrayed in this film, has a lot of qualities that remind me of my exes. She exhibits patterns of behavior that are consistent with people who suffer from C-PTSD and the childhood abuse that produces this condition.

I am not qualified to diagnose Tonya Harding. But having seen the film, I now know that she was a victim of physical and mental abuse… Lifelong abuse and revictimzation. It started off as abuse by mommy dearest, but ended up in an abusive relationship with the now infamous Jeff Gilooly.

Being a Holywood film, you should expect a sympathetic portrayal of Tonya Harding. Margot Robbie does a great job of making the lead character seem relatable… A victim of abuse and circumstance. If some of you still have a hard time understanding why someone would fall for such a savage woman, then this film might help you understand how it could happen.

It’s the job of actors and directors to make villainous people seem relatable. I call it the “Bonnie and Clyde Effect”. Hollywood loves bad people because bad people make for good drama. A film about Nancy Kerrigan probably would have been pretty dull, which explain why she is a minor character in “I,Tonya”.

Tonya Harding is anything but dull.  She is savage.  She is a drama queen. However, the filmmakers want you to believe she is a damsel in distress. They go so far as suggesting that she knew nothing about the attack on Kerrigan. I’ll go so far as saying that’s a bunch of Hollywood nonsense.

Abusive mothers don’t raise nice little girls. They raise savage women. Monkey see, monkey do. This is what we know about human development. You can feel sorry for people like Tonya Harding. Because no child should be abused in the manner depicted in this film. “Tough love” is not love. It’s abuse by people who have endured abuse themselves and now pass on that tradition to the next generation.

But if you believe that Tonya Harding is an innocent woman, then you haven’t been paying attention to the contents of this blog.  Harding has all the markings of a savage woman.  Her current husband describes her as being “rough around the edges”. That’s code for “my wife has savage tendencies”.

Knowing what I know about women who suffer from C-PTSD, I know that they dole out as much abuse as they take. Jeff Gilooly is portrayed as an abusive scumbag, and rightfully so. But it is clear that the abuse in that relationship was a two-way road.  The trailer shows a scene where Tonya chases her lover with a shotgun, so I know I’m not spoiling anything for those who haven’t seen the film.

When you do watch the film, pay close attention to how Tonya uses Jeff.  Notice how she is hot and heavy one minute and then ice old the next. Notice how she lashes out at judges who don’t give her the scores she believes she deserves.  Make no mistake, Tonya Harding is a ruthless competitor that wants to win at any cost. She manipulates those around her, including Jeff. She plays him like a yo-yo, retracting her love until he gives her what she wants. (Pay close attention to the Dove Bar scene.)

So I find it very hard to believe that she wasn’t the mastermind behind the attack on Kerrigan, when everything about her character tells me that she is savage to the core. The filmmakers do hint that much of what the public sees is an act.  When Tonya Harding breaks down in tears over her laces, I am reminded of all the crocodile tears that were shed by my exes. These women are filled with emotions that they can’t control. Their triggers are many. But that doesn’t mean they aren’t capable of fabricating drama and using emotions to manipulate their audience. The Damsel in Distress Act serves them well. They play that card often.

Tonya Harding is no damsel in distress.  She is a ruthless, master manipulator. She had no problem throwing Jeff Gilooly under the bus, along with the other conspirators. The other participants were given prison sentences. But Tonya and her lawyer managed to keep her out of prison, even though she was the only person who would have benefited from the attack on Nancy Kerrigan. Although, she would have you believe that being banned from competitions was a much harsher sentence, playing the victim to the very end. 

Tonya Harding is currently on husband number three and is raising a daughter.  She claims the drama is all behind her. She claims husband number 3 is The One… Who saved her… Her knight in shining armor. Don’t be fooled by this “Happy Ending”.  I’ve seen this act many times.  A husband and child do not erase the past. C-PTSD doesn’t magically disappear at the altar.  Tonya found herself a willing victim.

Despite being banned from ice skating competitions, she has done a pretty good job of staying in the limelight. This film is as much her creation as it is the creation of the filmmakers involved.

Savage women, like my exes… like Tonya Harding, are very good at re-writing history. They are very good at portraying themselves as the victim…  And portraying everyone else as the Devil…  Their tormentor. But this is just one of the many survival skills that savage women have honed over the years. At the end of the film, we realize that Tonya was always a performer. She was abused by her mother and abandoned by her father. This produces a child that is constantly looking for validation… By any means possible.

I’m sharing two YouTube videos with you. One video is CNN’s Ashleigh Banfield explaining why she thinks the Aziz Ansari accusation is a false accusation. And the second video, is Banfield sharing a vicious email written by the writer who broke the Ansari story.

As you can see, Banfield’s assessment is pretty sensible. She puts the accuser in her place, but she does it in a way that helps the questionable accuser understand what she did to Ansari. She is a wise woman sharing her wisdom with a woman who has a lot to learn about life. I don’t know enough about this case or Ansari to weigh in on the accusations, but something about this exchange between Banfield and this angry writer reminds me of my own experiences of calling out unhinged women with dysfunctional personalities.

I cannot applaud Banfield enough. She was right to share the vicious email. And the other writer revealed herself to be a faux feminist, a spiteful little girl. This blog has warned people for years about angry young trolls posing as feminists. But now feminists, like Banfield and Meryl Streep, are becoming aware of this toxic and mutated strain of feminism. Can a young woman really claim to be a feminist when she attacks fellow feminists?

For the record, I am a supporter of the MeToo movement and a longtime supporter of the feminist movement. But there are signs that Man Haters are exploiting this movement to pursue their Man Hating Agenda. CNN’s Banfield has also been a proud feminist and supporter of the MeToo Movement. But she smelled something rotten with the Ansari case. She felt the need to point out this false accusation for fear it would chip away at the legitimacy of the movement and the legitimacy of real accusations. Her fears are justified.

This blog was inspired by my relationship with a woman who spent some time as a writer for a famous feminist publication. Her whole feminist career was predicated on the belief that she was raped in college. Believe it or not, there was a time when I believed all her sob stories… until I started noticing something was terribly wrong with my newfound love. As soon as I pointed out her abusive tendencies and twisted ways, she demonized me and recruited her legions of TigerDowners to attack me and this blog. I got the Ashleigh Banfield treatment when I spoke the truth about my BPDex and other troubled women like her.

I, like Ashleigh Banfield, had a rude awakening. Banfield did nothing wrong. She did everything right. She drew boundaries and put things in perspective for people who demonstrated black and white thinking (a familiar BPD trait).  She was demonized for her rational observations. Crazy women demonize men and women (feminists and people who support feminism) for calling out their irrational behavior and twisted thinking.

These unhinged women are lashing out at fabricated demons in their troubled minds. They are triggered by trauma from their troubled childhood. These are not my opinions or theories. This is what psychologists know to be true about trauma survivors.

Some of you think I’m crazy for keeping this blog up. But now I hope that you are beginning to see why this blog must stay up. This is not about my one relationship gone bad. It’s a warning about a disease that is spreading and infecting our society. This is not an isolated incident. I get readers from all over the world. I get comments all the time from people who have had experiences that were identical to mine. Many other people have observed these disturbing patterns of behavior.

What happened to Ashleigh Banfield, can happen to any of us who speak the truth. I have been sharing attacks by savage women for years, because I wanted my readers to know exactly what I’ve been up against. There are many Man-Haters out there. I hesitate to judge an entire generation of feminists gone astray, but the evidence is there in the second YouTube video.

This is an entire generation of deeply troubled, young women who are filled with indiscriminate and unbridled hatred. As you can see, this hatred is not just reserved for men. They are lashing out at the world. I thank Ashleigh Banfield and any feminist who has the courage to call out these social bullies, these fake activists, these false victims… These savage women won’t listen to me, but maybe they’ll listen to one of their own…once they are done attacking her.

Generous Spirit

November 23, 2017

What does it mean to give yourself to someone? Does it mean you give yourself to them in the honeymoon phase and then take it away when you’re feeling insecure, abandoned or rejected? If you are a damaged soul, then it is in your nature to give your love, then take it away… Quickly and without remorse. It’s ample proof that your love is shallow… An act for your audience, your family and your own delusion.

People who are stingy with their love are not loving people. They use the impression of love to manipulate and control. That is the nature of someone who has been damaged since early childhood and may be damaged for life. They are merely going through the motions to avoid deep attachments. They live in constant fear that if they were to truly love someone, that person would take it away. It is this insecurity/fear that prevents them from truly giving themselves to anyone. It is why they are constantly on the run.

Me Too

November 1, 2017

Social media is on fire… with women accusing men of sexual assault. And while I truly believe that monsters like Harvey Weinstein need to be called out, I worry that there will be collateral damage… I’ve experienced that collateral damage.

As someone who has had many relationships with sexual-assault survivors, I can tell you that the trauma is real. I can tell you that some of these survivors will develop a serious hatred of men… If they weren’t already committed to the cause. Some of these man-haters will use their traumatic experiences as an excuse to lash out at all men… Even men who had nothing to do with sexually-assaulting them. Their defenses are up and their tiger claws are out.

As someone who has spent a good number of years writing about my own traumatic experiences, I can tell you that it is very cathartic to open up about said experiences… and to also know that you’re not alone. “Me too” is a powerful message of support. I can appreciate that message. Truly. But I worry that this viral campaign could easily become an indiscriminate witch-hunt, especially when lead by traumatized women who haven’t been treated.

I’d like to point out that many of these survivors, who are now sharing their “me too” experiences, were also the same angry protesters who tried to shut this blog down. They tried to silence my voice and dismiss my pain. They did not bother to empathize with me, because they were too busy lashing out. That is unfortunate, because I would not have loved some of these women had it not been for my ability to empathize with them. Sadly, they did not feel the need to return the favor.

But I now know that some of these women have been repeatedly traumatized. I now know that indiscriminately lashing out at people is a sign of life-long trauma. I can certainly empathize with that. But as a life-long empath, I can also sense we are hitting a peak… with tensions between men and women. I can sense the presence of pain, every time I open up my newsfeed. I suspect that this tension will grow. I can tell you this because I know what it feels like to be silenced. The lid has been removed from a pot that has been boiling for decades, if not centuries. The pot is boiling over and we may not see the end of it for a while.

The Weinstein Effect

October 19, 2017

Longtime readers of this blog, know that I have a long history with women who have been sexually assaulted/abused. So much so, that I came to the conclusion that I was a magnet for traumatized women. But recent events have me believing that there are very few women who haven’t been sexually assaulted.

Weinstein, Trump, priests, football coaches… Wherever there are men with power and privilege, there are women (and men) who are being sexually assaulted. I can see why Man Haters hate men. But for every Man Hater, there is a woman who still loves men dearly.

I am very lucky to still have a few of these women as friends. When given every reason to believe that “all men are pigs”, they chose to believe otherwise. These are women who have demonstrated true strength and confidence with measured responses… As opposed to the unbridled rage and the irrational fear that I have seen so often. When unhinged lovers abandoned me, demonized me and put up their wall, these friends showed their true friendship and stood by me… A constant source of inspiration and love.

The world has become more toxic. But the silver lining is that there are strong people, who are subjected to this toxicity, and come out stronger. I have said goodbye to lots of friends and lovers. But more importantly, I have learned to appreciate the ones who stuck by me through thick and thin. It infuriates me to know that they have experienced so much pain, but I have faith they will remain a constant source of strength to those around them.

On the Run Again

October 8, 2017

My BPDex is thinking about running again… Back to her humble beginnings. The glam of LaLaLand has lost all its glitter and glow. Another failed attempt at marriage has left her too sober.

She claims visions of home came to her in a dream. This is, of course, more delusional bullshit. It has always been her pattern to run away, after destroying another relationship. She runs after she has slept with every guy in the city and wants to escape shame and personal responsibility. She runs when she has run out of people to fool.

She is a repeat runaway. It is in her nature to run away from her problems and her failed relationships.

But I’m actually hopeful that she will return home. There she can face her demons and resolve lifelong issues with her troubled family.

I also see hope in the fact that she is seeking professional help. Although a BPD specialist would have been more helpful than a dream therapist. But it’s a step in the right direction.

The bottom line is she is turning inward and she is seeking help to examine that funny head of hers. It has always been my opinion that she needs to take a break from relationships and sex to find peace. Because whether she has realized it or not, both are triggers that cause her insanity.

Hopefully, she’s running to a solution and not away from her problems.

After years of writing about man-hater issues and wedding dresses, my BPDex is finding the courage to write about her own issues, her own toxicity and her own disorder.

Is this the tell-all confessional that I’ve been waiting for? Not quite. She wrote an article about how siblings can be more supportive of someone with BPD. She even went so far as to create a fictional character for the piece that allows her to talk about this terrible disease without getting personal.

The way she describes BPD makes it sound like it’s akin to taking care of someone with the flu, including ways you can be more tolerant of their emotional excess and personality quirks. As you might expect, she avoids talking about the darker side of the disorder- the gaslighting, the acts of infidelity and the inevitable demonization of loved ones.

She does, however, acknowledge that the reason BPs lack support from loved ones is because they have a tendency to alienate said loved ones and cut them off aka stonewalling.

She then goes on to list all the ways that someone can be more supportive and accepting of her… I mean accepting of her fictional character. I wouldn’t want to make it sound like this article was self-serving or that my ex might be prone to emotionally-manipulative behavior.

What this recent article tells me about my BPDex is that she is getting more comfortable addressing her issues and that she has exhausted all her tactics for avoiding dealing with those issues. BUT she is not yet comfortable with the idea of ownership… Owning the horrible way she treated me, and others like me.

She treats her kind with kid gloves, gingerly laying out the details of their suffering (the depression, the anxiety, the thoughts of suicide, etc.)… but always reluctant to accept blame. This article is really just another sob story… One of many sob stories. Old habits are hard to break and playing the victim is her oldest trick.

My BPDex has come a long way. But she has a long way to go. Her loved ones will need to have a lot of patience and they have a lot of hard work in front of them. Readers know that I certainly did my best. But look how she treated me. Good luck to all involved. They’ll need it.

I share this video with you, because it perfectly captures the essence of every woman that I’ve ever dated. It’s hard to not feel bad for this person when they are gushing with every emotion that they have. But this is the power of a troubled woman.

Whenever I was ready to leave a troubled woman, to get the hell away from the trainwreck, she would inevitably turn on the water works. This is how they get you to stay… to avoid abandonment. It’s this insatiable need for attention and their need to play the victim/martyr that defines them. You can give them all of your time and that still won’t be enough. The truth is no one can give them enough attention.  They can even be a global superstar and they will still feel empty and abandoned.

I don’t know much about Sinead O’Connor, but I know her type. She fits the mold that we’ve seen over and over again. The pleas for help and the drama have been with her for a long time. I believe she has been diagnosed with BiPolar. I know she has estranged family members.  This is also not new. All my exes had troubled relationships with their families. It’s not unusual for someone like this to throw hostility in the faces of loved ones and then act like everyone has abandoned her. This is how fucked up people behave.

You may be tempted to think that you are every thing this person needs. But you’re kidding yourself. You could be married with kids and she will still look for attention elsewhere.

Suicidal tendencies should be taken seriously with troubled women, but they should also be taken with a grain of salt. I can’t tell you how many times someone has threatened suicide and then magically forgotten that she did so. That doesn’t mean they aren’t capable of it. They are. But they are also not above using it as another tool to manipulate you.

Thankfully, Sinead is under psychiatric supervision. She is getting the help that she needs. It’s ok to feel bad for these women. Just don’t get sucked into their vortex. Don’t play their yo-yo games.