May 15, 2011
Oh Pop Culture, why do you supply me with endless examples of damaged women? So here we have Lady Gaga doing her best Madonna impersonation (in more ways than one). What is it about these narcissists that attract them to bad boys? Judases if you will.
The answer is- the same thing that made them narcissists in the first place- instability, neglect, abuse, separation, conflict or all of the above. These are the forces that made them insecure in their childhood and abusive personalities in their adulthood. Insecurity compels them to follow self-destructive patterns and pull people down with them.
On some level, Gaga “loves” Jesus because rationally she knows he’s good for her. But she is viscerally attracted to Judas, even though she knows Judas will betray her. This is not so much an attraction to Judas as it is an attraction to the familiar. And the familiar to these damaged souls is an abusive environment. In the end, she and Judas will both betray Jesus. Because girls like Gaga are not only good at attracting people who treat them like shit, they are also very good at attracting people who are willing to be treated like shit.
It doesn’t matter how smart, successful or independent (or feminist) the woman is. If she’s emotionally damaged, she will sabotage what’s good for her and run to things that are bad for her. Women with high IQs can have low emotional IQs. Such women will be suffocated by intimacy and excited by the thrill of danger. So says the laws of the universe.
But it goes the other way too. There are men who are attracted to femme fatales. Like DeNiro’s character in Casino. He falls for Sharon Stone’s character, a histrionic borderline who betrays his trust over and over again. Just when he provides her with security and stability, she gets bored, betrays him and runs off with some Judas. But like a true co-dependent, DeNiro’s character takes her in, every time she comes crawling back. He is rewarding her bad behavior and therefore ensuring his own demise.
Both the boys who are drawn to bad girls and the girls who are drawn to bad boys are re-playing the drama of their childhood. It is there you will find the beginnings of this addiction to toxic relationships. These relationships have nothing to do with love. Neither of these archetypes are conditioned for love. They are conditioned for abusive co-dependent relationships.
We like to think that human beings make decisions based on rational thought. But most of our behavior is dictated by our past and our emotions. Rationalization only comes into play after the fact, when we have to justify our behavior to ourselves. This is a source of great shame for bad boys and bad girls, even the ones who seem unaffected. Enough shame to make them suppress their misdeeds and live in denial- to live a lie.
I wanted to believe my borderline ex was different, but she was just like all the other troubled women who I let ruin my life. I was replaying my past. She fooled me into believing she loved me. But I allowed myself to be fooled, because I wanted to believe she loved me.
She was using me like she uses every man. Although, I feel dumb and naive now, I was just desiring that which has alluded me my whole life- true love. To her credit, she tried to play the role of the good girl. But her insecurities got the best of her. She tried to keep her demons at bay. But those forces were too strong for her.
She could only keep up the act for so long. And when the pressure to keep up the act became too much, she went back to the familiar. She ran back to Judas. The Judas she chose was just as fucked up as her. A wannabe thug who had been betrayed by his wife and now he was looking for payback. He didn’t care who he was hurting, because he was too consumed by the pain that someone else had caused him. Scum bags are just damaged souls looking to pass on their pain.
And she too didn’t care about who she hurt, because she was too busy trying to escape the suffocating grip of intimacy. The fear of abandonment/rejection made her blind to the hurt she was unleashing upon others. Judas was exactly what she needed- a man with little promise of a future. With him, she didn’t have to live up to the expectation of being normal or healthy. She could be her damaged self. In her troubled mind, he was her “soul mate”.
But she too came crawling back when she realized he just wanted her for sex. He got what he wanted and left her with a shattered relationship. I tried to pick up the pieces, but it was damaged beyond repair. She had sex with him to prove to me that she was desirable, but she ended up proving that she was easily manipulated by Judas. She was so gaga for her Judas that she blamed me for his flight. All the intelligence I thought she had was rendered useless under the spell of an abusive personality.
It never occurred to her that the Judas affair was not built to last. But that is why she pursued it with such vigor. It never occurred to her that Judas was programmed to use and abuse. It never occurred to her that is why she chose him in the first place. Borderlines are notoriously bad judges of character. It was fitting that Judas betrayed her, because she got a taste of her own medicine.
Of course I, being the sucker for wounded animals, took her back. But it was not long before she would betray me again. I knew too much about her. I knew her evil ways. And she knew that I knew. And that made her insecure all over again. This was enough reason for her to run far far away. Just like she had done so many times before. Just like Sharon Stone’s character in Casino.
Femme fatales want to be loved. But once they have it, they run from it. In their minds, they are unworthy of love. This is why women like Lady Gaga eventually run back to Judas. Guys like Judas make them feel like they have nothing to lose. They are a relief from having to pretend they are someone they are not. Only when they are with someone who is just as damaged as they are, do they find themselves at ease. But this is not love, this is the soothing of insecurity and low self-esteem. For damaged people, the illusion of love is better than nothing.
April 20, 2011
April 17, 2011
Pink does a pretty good borderline impersonation. She even looks like someone I use to know.
Sing along if you know the words. She’s singing about the “push and pull” abuse that is so common in BPD relationships. A borderline treats you like shit to push you away. And then when you start walking out the door, they put on their best wounded animal face and beg you to stay.
They will tell you how much you mean to them. And you will be flattered. Don’t be. You are nothing to them but a “perfect punching bag”. A stop-gap solution to fill the void. A cog that can be replaced at will, without regret. When an untreated borderline cries, “Please Don’t Leave Me”, they are buying time. Buying time till they find your replacement. Someone who will put up with the abuse. Someone they can more easily control. Or if they’re really filled with self-loathing, they’ll find someone who treats them as badly as they treated you.
Like Pink says, borderlines can be so very mean and nasty when they want you to know how much they hurt inside. If you’ve been reading this blog, you’ve seen how mean and nasty they can be… how cold and heartless. Maybe they won’t come after you with an axe. But they will cut you with words. They torture you with mind games. And if they’re really cruel, they’ll stab you in the back with false accusations and acts of infidelity. And then when you fight back, they’ll accuse you of abusing them.
But the fun doesn’t end there. Weeks after calling you an abuser, they’ll come running back to you for comfort. Because no one else puts up with their bullshit like you do. You would be crazy to stay with someone this messed up. But untreated borderlines are master manipulators. They have spent their whole lives avoiding abandonment. They will use every trick in the book to get you back.
They will tell you sob stories of abuse. Stories of crazy exes and even crazier parents. Stories of being violated in terrible ways. Borderlines always have an excuse for their bad behavior. They tell you these stories so you will say, “there there poor little helpless waif, I will stay by your side.” Tears will roll down their face as they promise you things they will never deliver on. They’ll promise never ever to hurt you again. But of course, they will.
April 15, 2011
If you can relate to the lyrics of this song, then you too have put up with abusive behavior from a lover. You did it because this is what you grew up with. You grew up associating love with pain. And that ain’t right.
We all have patterns we need to break. Mine will be to break the pattern of abuse. I’m saying no to damaged women, because I’m tired of them using me as their emotional punching bag. I’m tired of them stringing me along. I’m tired of them playing with my emotions. It is not my job to fix broken women. I deserve better than that.
April 1, 2011
What Avril means to say is she’s not serious about this relationship. She’s dangling this guy along because she enjoys the sense of ownership and power. But she also wants to have lots of unprotected “fun” with other guys. She wants her cake and eat it too.
Her low self-esteem requires lots of attention. She doesn’t care about another person’s feelings because she’s too selfish and fucked up to think about anyone else but herself. And she’s too dishonest and insecure to tell the guy straight up, “hey, I’m not really emotionally capable of having a relationship right now, because I have intimacy issues. But don’t wait around because I have no intention of working on these issues. Peace.”
But that’s not very catchy, pop-y or dance tune-y. Now is it?
October 14, 2010
Gee I guess the readers of Ms Magazine were right. Ms Tequila is practically a model of mental health. I guess I must be a misogynist for questioning her character.
July 20, 2010
This latest effort from N.E.R.D. reminded me how much I love both.