Conservative or Liberal, you have to agree Anne Coulter is one angry bitch. I saw her interview with Piers Morgan. Not only was she obnoxious, she couldn’t stop talking about her book.

My god that woman is abrasive. I have to say Piers earned some points with me when he started asking her personal questions about her life. All of a sudden she got really awkward and defensive. She said she doesn’t talk about her personal life because she’s afraid of stalkers. Where have I seen this sort of self-victimization before?

There’s a reason why she talks about public issues and not her own issues. And it’s not because of stalkers or other imagined boogie men. The pained expression on her face says it all. When someone is this uptight, it’s because they are trying really hard to control their emotions. When they have a history of demonizing people, it’s because they are dealing with demons from their past.

What I see is a woman who is compensating for an inferiority complex via self-aggrandizement. A woman who is running away from a dark past, turbulent relationships and all the other things we’ve come to associate with narcissistic/borderline types. We’ve seen this pattern of behavior in liberal grandstanders as well. This has nothing to do with political affiliations.

I think Rosie O’Donnell nailed it when she had this to say about her:

She’s angry if you ask me. She’s full of rage. When you see someone like that, you have to go back to what happened in their childhood… You don’t know what went on in their household.

Good insight Rosie. I’d add that when someone is trying that hard to get people’s attention, there are usually some serious self-esteem issues. And this almost always points to some childhood abuse. This is not just women, you see it with other political extremists like Glenn Beck, Michael Savage and Rush “Oxcontin” Limbaugh.

This graph just posted by Shady McDoyle. I nearly fell on the floor laughing.

With one graph she is attempting to announce how important she is AND justify acting like an unhinged bitch. Impressive. I asked her to substantiate her opinions with facts and she gives me graphs like this. (eyes rolling)

She attacks and judges people she doesn’t even know… she charges into any given situation with her big mouth and unhinged rage… she antagonizes people instead of trying to understand the situation and yet she attributes her low approval ratings to her high visibility, her fame and amazing popularity. She is even hated by fellow feminists and activists, and yet she still thinks she is fighting for social justice.

I hate to be redundant, but this bears repeating- people like Shady and my Ex fight only for themselves. They are not feminists. They are not liberals. They are not social warriors. They are narcissists. Regardless of where they lie on the political spectrum, they are no different than the Glenn Becks and Rush Limbaughs of the world. They all use the guise of activism to bolster their egos and sense of self-importance. These people don’t care about society. They don’t care about justice. They care only about themselves and how people perceive them. This is what this graph illustrates.

Contrary to what most people believe, narcissism is not born of self-love. It is actually someone compensating for self-hatred. Why do you think Limbaugh is addicted to oxcontin? Because he’s a happy well-adjusted chap? A narcissist is a person who experiences so much internal pain, they can only think of themselves. A person who has such low self-esteem, they must spend every waking minute trying to draw attention to themselves. They create delusions of grandeur to compensate for feelings of inadequacy.

It never occurs to people like Shady or my Ex that their piss-poor behavior is the reason why people hate them so much. So rather than change their behavior, they chalk it up to jealousy. People are just jealous of their fame and fabulous success. But despite these sad attempts at self-delusion, eventually the hate gets to them. Shady would not have posted this graph, unless she was feeling the pain of self-awareness. This graph is a band-aid. It’s Shady patting Shady on the head. It turns out that narcissism is just another form of denial.

Here’s what Wiki has to say about destructive narcissism:

  • An unrealistic sense of superiority (“Grandiose“)
  • Pursues power at all costs, lacks normal inhibitions in its pursuit
  • Concerns limited to expressing socially appropriate response when convenient
  • devalues and exploits others without remorse
  • Lacks values; easily bored; often changes course
  • Traumatic childhood undercutting true sense of self-esteem and/or learning that he/she doesn’t need to be considerate of others.

I saw Sucker Punch tonight. I had a sneaking suspicion that sexual assault was in the story somewhere. But what I thought would be mere undertone was very much a sucker punch to the face. It was directed and written by the guy who directed Watchmen and 300. So expect a lot of dazzling CG effects and slo-mo ass kicking. But is this a movie for survivors? Escapism for survivors?

Despite the message of female empowerment, I think a lot of feminists/survivors will probably hate this movie. For one thing, it’s a story of rape written by a man. That’s an automatic FAIL. Then there’s the stuff that is bound to send most of them into a tizzy about the “male gaze”: Such as wafer-thin women in fetish outfits. The lead character is called Baby Doll and looks like a blonde Sailor Moon. Not to mention most of the assault scenes could be triggering.

Even so, I think this movie has done a pretty good job of tapping into Survivor Culture. What is Survivor Culture? Well if you’ve read this blog, you’ve experienced some of it via Tumblr and Tigerbeatdown. And I’m not just talking about survivors of sexual abuse. I would also include the survivors of physical abuse, emotional abuse (BPD, Bi-Polar) and substance abuse.

Spend any good amount of time in Survivor Tumblrdom and you will see some re-occuring themes. This culture is steeped in escapism. You want to know who reads all those Harry Potter and Twilight books? Want to know what kind of woman would go to Comi-Con, dressed up like her favorite anime character? Want to know what kind of woman would worship at the altar of Marilyn Monroe, Tila Tequila and other tragic starlettes? Want to know who spends all her free time at vintage stores transporting herself to by-gone eras? Search no further. The Survivor Culture is a culture of escapism.

“Your mind will set you free.” “To reach your own paradise, just let go.” “What you are imagining now… You control this world.” These are lines from the trailer above, but I’ll be damned if any survivor can’t relate to these words. The heroine in Sucker Punch uses dissociation (emotional detachment) as a weapon for survival. A means to escape her “prison”. This is how survivors cope with the harsh realities of their life, they flee into their imagination. Fight or flight. These are the two options presented to a survivor.

And while many feminist may take issue with the overt sexual content, it mirrors the moral conflict that survivors deal with all the time (cognitive dissonance). On one hand, sexuality becomes a major part of their identity. Those who have been sexually-assaulted may become hyper-sexual. They may learn to use their sexuality to gain attention and manipulate men. Some survivors may actually be turned on by the imagery presented in this movie. But on the other side of the coin, they also feel shame and pain.

Survivors love bad-ass women in fishnet stockings. Why do you think burlesque is so popular amongst the survivor crowd? The film itself is one big burlesque performance, complete with revenge fantasies. Burlesque represents women taking ownership of the roles men have placed upon them. Taking symbols of oppression and making them a symbol of empowerment. This is what Sucker Punch attempts to do. And while most survivors will dismiss the movie, secretly they’ll want to see it.

As an ex-partner of a survivor, I can relate to this movie. I see a little of my ex in the heroine- the look of despair, the struggle to survive, and the constant fight against real or imagined threats. This kind of drama may be good for a Hollywood movie, but it can destroy a relationship. Imagine trying to build intimacy with a person who floats in and out of reality. Imagine trying to get close to someone who is still fighting demons from her past.

In the movie, the bad guys are all grotesque monsters (representing men). They are soulless and sometimes faceless. They are slithery and creepy. Men are to be feared in this world. Welcome to the world of black and white thinking. Imagine a man trying to love a woman who thinks all men are monsters. Imagine lovingly embracing the woman you love and then, all of a sudden, she remembers being held down. Imagine gently touching her wrists and suddenly it triggers memories of cutting.

In the movies, it’s easy to separate the good guys from the bad guys. In real life, survivors mix up the two all the time. In real life, they fight people who love them. And run back to people who abuse them. The problem with this culture of escapism is the naivete that comes with it. All that time in LaLa Land, makes it difficult for someone to relate to the real world. Notice the heroine is an adult actress playing a young child. Is this an intentional representation of arrested development?

When you are emotionally detached, it’s hard to know who to trust. Dissociation makes it hard to read people. You make false-accusations based on paranoia. Your internal compass is screwed up. It causes otherwise intelligent people to do stupid things. If you’ve ever been pissed-drunk and gotten into a fight with a loved one, you know what it’s like to not be in control. A survivor may be in control in their mind. But in the real world, they are very much out of control.

Then again, it’s just a movie. Maybe I’m reading too much into it.

By now most of you have probably seen this ridiculously racist rant by Alexandra Wallace. Is it possible that such behavior could be the result of BPD?

If there was one redeeming quality about my borderline ex, it was that she was decidedly not racist. Race-obsessed maybe but definitely not racist. If anything she was PC to a fault. Sometimes acting like she was morally superior to those around her, when she was anything but.  She would often belittle people in order to make herself feel better about herself. She could be downright nasty with her putdowns and cattiness, when she felt like someone was a threat. She was always compensating for her inferiority-complex. Racists are basically operating under the same premise. They act like they are superior to compensate for hidden feelings of insecurity and inadequacy. Different manifestation, same impulse.

Clearly something is not right with Alexandra Wallace. It’s too easy to say she’s ignorant and backwards. What’s going on psychologically? Let’s start with her desperate cry for attention. She may look pretty and privileged on the outside. But sometimes carefully-crafted beauty belies profound self-esteem issues. Sometimes people with poor self-image compensate by wearing tons of make-up and showing ample amounts of cleavage.  Sometimes you can judge a book by its cover. These are characteristics we see in people with narcissistic/histrionic tendencies all the time.

Her library experience was sooo devastating, she felt the need to broadcast it onto the internet. Very dramatic. Very self-important. She was so outraged, she felt the need to condemn an entire race of people. It was all about her and what she suffered in that brief moment. Other people’s suffering (tsunami survivors included) could not hold a candle up to hers. I (of all people) get that she needs to vent, but like a borderline she took it a few steps too far. Clearly there is some grossly misplaced and wildly disproportionate anger here.

Some of this can be attributed to age and pure stupidity. But there’s an impulsive quality here that needs to be addressed. We all get upset, but the rage that comes with BPD is sudden and seems to come out of nowhere. It is more like a knee-jerk reaction that leads to being kicked in the face. It begs the “where did that come from?” reaction. BPD behavior is not abnormal, it is hyper-normal. BPs experience all the same emotions that everyone else does. Only their emotions are much more intense and their reactions are much more severe.

The first thing that stuck out as BPD behavior was her black and white thinking. No, I don’t mean skin color. I mean the belief that people are either all good or all bad.  The fact that she has made broad generalizations about an entire race of people is very black and white. There are no subtle shades of grey with untreated borderlines. Their thirst for conflict requires them to always look for a fight. To justify a war and make their rage righteous, they demonize and dehumanize the other.

Even though my ex was not racist, she would often make sweeping judgments about men.  “They’re all pigs”, she would say. You can imagine how this affects the way she treats men. Even men she supposedly loves. Perhaps you can argue that as an assault survivor, she had justifications for such beliefs. But the fact was her traumatic experiences tainted the way she looked at all human beings, even ones who did not deserve such harsh judgment. When you expect the worst in people, that’s what you get. She antagonizes people and then wonders why people treat her so horribly. Racists too create these self-fulfilling prophecies.

What we often see with borderlines is a lack of accountability. It’s always someone else’s fault. What makes it worse is when people in power enable such behavior. I was appalled when a UCLA professor rushed to Ms.Wallace’s defense. And even more appalled when Ms. Magazine portrayed this blatantly racist woman as a victim. Sadly, Ms. Magazine has a history of defending women with questionable histories and borderline tendencies all in the name of feminism. But don’t get me started on how feminism has gone astray. That I’ll save for a future post. For now, I’ll just say that I’m deeply disappointed.

The point is we reap what we sow. You can’t unleash your “shitass” rage upon the world and expect the world to treat you with dignity. When you behave in a boorish manner, you can be certain you will be treated with an equal if not greater lack of civility and respect. When you react with irrational rage, you invite an irrational response. Don’t cry about it. If you start a fight, take your licks.

Did Alexandra deserve to be subjected to sexist comments and death threats? No. But when she posted her hate-filled message on YouTube, she was starting a war. Once you set the dominoes in motion, there’s no stopping the sequence of events. Escalation is inevitable.

Right or wrong, hate incurs more hate.  To think otherwise is pure naivete. Sorry Ms Magazine, Alexandra Wallace’s victim card has just been revoked. Morons like her need to think before they open their big mouths. There are consequences for bad behavior, and it is often paid with interest.

But I digress, let’s get back to Alexandra’s rage. Let’s talk about emotional dysregulation. BP behavior is driven by intense emotions that override cognitive function. It makes people do stupid things, especially in the heat of the moment. While it is easy to label this YouTube racist as being dumb, it is more accurate to say that she is irrational.

If you read the blurb on the video, it mentions that she regrets her actions. It is not uncommon for the Irrational to later regret their egregious behavior. She says she doesn’t know “what came over her”. What came over her was uncontrolled rage. She was acting out. This type of behavior has become more common with the advent of social media. We’ve seen it with irrational bloggers like Shady, Garland and Lex, and now we see it with this irresponsible loudmouth.

Uncontrolled rage translates to self-destructive behavior. We’ve seen this before when 100 raging TigerBeaters stormed Savory Dish. I saw this when my ex engaged in acts of infidelity, when her last words to me were “fuck you” and when she ruthlessly cut me out of her life.  She was not thinking with her brain, she was reacting to her unstable emotions. My borderline ex is an intelligent woman but she does stupid things all the time.  By the time her emotions have done their damage, her intelligence works only to rationalize what she has done. This is the Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde effect that is so common with borderlines.

There is a primitive side to BPD which causes untreated borderlines to judge and treat people harshly. Studies have shown that people with BPD have higher activity in their limbic (primitive) portion of the brain. The limbic system was passed down from our prehistoric days when it was useful to group things into good or bad categories, especially good or bad people. We’ve evolved since then, but we still retain that primitive side of our nature.

When our cave-dwelling ancestors were confronted with a threat, they didn’t have time to think of an intelligent or polite response. So they reacted impulsively. It works well when you are reacting to a wooly mammoth. But not so well when you are reacting to loud people in the library. It served us well back in prehistoric times, but not so much in the era of YouTube.

So what causes someone to regress to primitive behavior? Most likely trauma. If the trauma was great enough or has taken place over a lifetime, it can arrest a person’s emotional development. It can keep the borderline in a state of fear and mistrust. Or in Ms. Wallace’s case, keep her in a state of anger and hate. The trauma evokes our most basic survival instincts. The limbic part of our brain is unsophisticated but it is designed to keep us alive. Believe it or not, intolerance and prejudice were originally designed to keep us out of harm’s way. But the prehistoric brain has difficulty adjusting to modern life. And it can be very destructive in social situations. It’s like sending a bull into a crystal store.

I’m willing to bet that Alexandra has a history of inviting chaos and drama into her life. These are rarely isolated incidents, as some UCLA administrators would like us to believe. People don’t act this way on a whim. It is usually a lifelong commitment to drama. These are patterns that are synonymous with borderline activity. I’m also willing to bet that Ms. Wallace did not have the wholesome upbringing that she claims she did. Her horrid behavior suggests otherwise. It suggests there has been a history of abuse in her life.

Most likely her YouTube rant was a result of misplaced anger. Something that you see a lot with trauma survivors. Anger can be healthy when it is directed at its original source. But with borderline types and trauma survivors, anger is rarely directed at its original source.

Most survivors were too young or powerless to confront their original abuser, so they carry unresolved anger their whole lives and unleash it on unsuspecting (undeserving) victims. Misplaced anger happens when people have repressed and unresolved pain. They look for convenient dump sites for their toxic waste.

Often, these people pick on easy targets like loved ones or, in Alexandra’s case, a visible minority. My ex had years of anger stored up from her past. But instead of pointing that anger at the people who assaulted her, she decided to use me as her emotional punching bag. Her own parents abused her trust, but yet she chose to cut me out of her life. I was a convenient scapegoat. Racists too look for scapegoats to unleash pain from their pasts. Don’t be surprised to find abuse locked away in their closet.

We can’t tell with any certainty what exactly happened to Alexandra Wallace, but there are unmistakable signs that are common with all survivors of abuse. Survivors of abuse work in strange but predictable ways.

What we have here is another teachable moment. This YouTube rant has taught us that when we let our emotions run away with us, we do things that we later regret. We hurt people who don’t deserve to be hurt.  We pick fights and then wonder why the world hates us. We make ourselves look stupid and embarrass the people around us. Sadly, these behaviors can not be curbed by will power alone.

When you are this emotional unstable, will power is rendered powerless. This YouTube act was probably not this little girl’s first regrettable act. Most likely, this was the culmination of  a lifetime’s worth of self-destructive acts. With people like this, it’s always a pattern of inappropriate behavior. To change such behavior requires breaking old patterns and replacing them with healthier ones. You are reprogramming dysfunctional patterns that have been hardwired into your brain. This takes years and years of dedicated effort.

Does this YouTube racist have BPD? Who knows? But clearly something is not right in her head. Whatever her malfunction is, she needs to take a serious look at herself. And address issues that she has probably ignored for her whole life. Sadly, low lifes like Alexandra Wallace are not likely to embrace change. When they are this troubled, denial is part of the problem. Yes, she has apologized and withdrawn from UCLA. But only to save her own skin. Self-preservation is always at the forefront of a borderline’s mind.

Before you feel sorry for poor Alexandra, know there is already talk about her own blog and an MTV show. Another slimey opportunist. Surprise. Surprise. Another attention-whore seeking fame at the expense of others. Another moron who thinks media fame will cure what ails her. Where have we seen this kind of wrongheaded thinking before?

Ah the Old Country

March 2, 2011

I think this funny little tv commercial might have provided some insight into why my ex feels so much shame. You gotta love yia yia. She means well, but her abusive ways are passed from one generation to another. When you’re watching it on YouTube, you can laugh. But when this is what you grew up with, you develop some serious self-esteem issues.

A judgmental comment like this seems harmless and laughable. But when compounded over time, it takes its toll on a person’s well-being. It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. A person who grows up in this environment, will grow up to engage in questionable behavior and then feel tremendous shame afterwards.

Take a look at the TigerBeatdowners and you will see the sum total of this Old World shaming. You will see women with serious inferiority-complexes. Women who become victims. Victims who then become obsessed with victimhood and shame.

And while these angry fauxminists are quick to blame the Patriarchy, their shame most likely has been passed down from yia yia to mama. From mama to daughter.

This is what Stephanie Hallett of Ms. Magazine asks. She is talking about a recent Facebook campaign to get people to change their avatars to cartoon characters in hopes of increasing awareness about child abuse. Ms. Hallett questions what effect this campaign will have on stopping child abuse. But I would argue that you can’t stop child abuse. Predators are out there. They will always be out there. Unless we can come up with some type of Minority Report technology, there is no way we can prevent predators from abusing children. That is the sad truth. But we can make people more aware. We can try to figure out what conditions lead to this horrible crime.

Ms. Hallett goes on to criticize the campaign for lacking substance. She criticizes the campaign for not creating “meaningful action”. I think Ms. Hallett has missed the point of raising awareness. Whether it be for breast cancer or child abuse, raising awareness is never meant to be a solution. It’s meant to be a discussion. In my opinion, the use of cartoon characters is kind of brilliant. Because it puts a friendly/familiar face to a god-awful topic that most people don’t want to talk about.

But in order for us to move towards a meaningful solution, we need to move beyond critiques of awareness campaigns. We need to agree that any campaign that creates awareness is a good campaign. We need to move onto more meaningful discussions about child abuse- What are the conditions that cause a person to abuse a child? How can we protect children from predators?  What are some factors that increase the likelihood of child abuse? Are you aware that children with borderline personality disorder are more likely to be abused? Did you know that people who were abused as children are more likely to become abusers?

And let’s not forget that child abuse is not just about sexual assault. There are a myriad of ways a child can be abused. If you are a borderline, you may be familiar with some of these abuses- neglect, fighting amongst parents, resentment/regret of children, abandonment, absence, silent treatment, mental abuse, verbal abuse,  alcoholism, etc… All of these can contribute to depression and trauma in children. And this can lead to that child becoming an adult who is abusive to his/her partner and children.

Maybe Ms Magazine should spend less time critiquing other people’s efforts/critiquing society and more time contributing to more “meaningful” discussions such as- How do we encourage those who have been abused as children to seek help so that the cycle of abuse stops with them and is not passed onto others?