This controversial question asked on Tumblr:

Should you be in a relationship if you’re massively fucked up? If you’re broken?

meloukhia:

The idea that people cannot find (do not deserve) love, particularly true or perfect love, if they are ‘broken’ or ‘damaged’ is in fact quite common in this society. Many people happily parrot this idea along with self-helpy jargon like needing to love yourself before you seek love. Which is a reminder to broken people, to people who may hate themselves for whatever reason, that they don’t deserve love (we don’t deserve so many things…to live, to speak, to have opinions…).

It is also particularly common to claim that people with mental illness, some diagnoses in particular, are inherently bad and dangerous and harmful and shouldn’t be in relationships/don’t deserve love because they will just hurt people. People have told me to my face at feminist conferences that people with my diagnoses are damaging and dangerous and shouldn’t be allowed to have relationships. Human connections.

The idea of denying love to any human being repulses me. The idea of proudly crowing that you feel some human beings don’t deserve love, or friendship, can never find these things, because they are ‘sick’…it’s not particularly new or revolutionary.

Hi C  wrote:

I completely disagree.

Not about the idea that people who have mental illnesses don’t deserve to find love, or that they are inherently bad.

But about the idea that you shouldn’t work on yourself before entering a relationship. I don’t think that’s an ableist idea. I think those who call that an ableist idea are making a mockery of sick people who are actually making an effort to “work on themselves”, and who are at the same time are working themselves to the bone, trying to take care of the people who love them and who they love.

Its not about you anymore when you join with someone else. That’s what’s at the heart of it when people say “you have to work on yourself before you enter a relationship”. You become semi-responsible for that other person’s health and wellness. You can’t burden them like that, because its just not fair to that other person.

Relationships aren’t about completing each other, or finding that special person who you can dump all your shit onto and have it be okay. That’s not fair, and that’s co-dependency to the hilt. That’s also breeding grounds for an abusive relationship. Relationships are two individuals coming together and loving each other and leaning on each other to an extent. If you can’t respect another person’s boundaries, maybe you shouldn’t be in a relationship.

Doesn’t matter what you have, what you are; doesn’t give anyone the right to throw all of their shit onto another person and expect them to hold themselves and you up completely — because that’s just the way you are, and you can’t help it. No. Absolutely not.

One does not lose all semblance of personal responsibility just because you have emotional illnesses.

Love, especially romantic love, isn’t something anyone deserves. That kind of connection with another human being is something you earn.

There’s a difference between accepting your diagnosis and understanding that you might never become “like others”, and not harming other people. And yeah, I define being in a relationship before you’re ready to be in a relationship that way.

I’m sorry if reading this hurts anyone. I just… I don’t know what else to say. That post hit me so hard with its wrongness. My feelings on this are entirely bound up in my (very negative) relationships with mentally ill people and my own experience being a mentally ill person in a relationship in which I put far too much of my own shit onto said boyfriend. If I could take back all of it, I would. The guilt keeps me up at night. The only way I’ve gotten this far into recovery is the thought that I’m going to make amends and never again be so disrespectful of the people I love.

allyourlovearebelongtome wrote:

I agree completely. I’m a depressive and have struggled with severe depression in the past. I’ve also been in relationships (all kinds) with mentally ill people. And guess what? It fucking hurts to hold yourself and another person up. You have to recognize when you’re a danger to others’ wellbeing. Love is not a commodity; everyone deserves a specific kind of love. But not everyone deserves a partner. Relationships with some types of mentally ill people can very easily become mentally/emotionally abusive. You don’t have to stick around for that out of guilt.

If you’re a regular reader of this blog, you know my views on this topic. But I’m gonna chew on this for a bit before I post my comments down below. In the meantime- What do you think?

If you want to know what a woman with BPD sounds like, read the following Tumblr post:

When I was 16 or so, I had a crush on a boy who was a complete douchebag. He was one of those guys who dresses up his intrinsic belief that women are inferior in a lovely Misogynist Coat of Many Colours: chivalry, slut-shaming, creepy over-protectiveness, wanting to treat girls like ‘princesses’. You know the type.

I knew he was an asshole even when I was into him, so I memorized this poem.

Does this woman sound like a princess to you? What kind of woman hates being treated like a princess? A woman who has been abused her whole life. Since borderlines often speak in code, let me translate for you.

It is possible that this guy was a douchebag. After all, BPD women have a thing for douchebags, bad boys, Judases, etc. But the douchebags I know don’t waste their time with chivalry/wanting to treat girls like princesses. The bad boys I know get girls drunk, have sex with them and then “accidentally” lose their number.

They don’t open doors for women or treat them with respect.  They sleep with your best friend. The bad boy doesn’t know how to treat a woman like a princess because he too came from an abusive family. Bad Boys treat women like they are objects, not princesses . But for someone with low-self esteem and a history of abuse, this is an aphrodisiac.

In other words, her story does not quite ring true. But then again BPs are also known for spinning stories. They are known for creating their own distorted reality. The truth is a relationship with a douchebag usually never progresses further than casual sex. And if it does progress, he’s too busy getting drunk and cheating on her to engage in acts of chivalry. There is no place for love poems or school girl crushes. No, this sounds like a guy who she actually had feelings for.

BP women are sexually attracted to bad boys because it mimics their past (most likely sexual abuse). These relationships are effortless and carefree because they are entirely superficial. A borderline woman wouldn’t care enough about douchebag to label him a douchebag. These relationships are devoid of deep emotions. She might chase after him as he sneaks out the back door. But this is a knee-jerk reaction that has nothing to do with love. Real douchebags leave before the BP has time to devalue him.

Ah but when they meet a Prince, that’s a different story. This kind of relationship is a much more dangerous proposition for someone who fears intimacy. All of a sudden, more is at stake. If this person were to leave, she might feel rejected, maybe even abandoned. When a person like this leaves, feelings are hurt. For an overly-sensitive borderline this means unimaginable pain. The kind that makes you lash out at a person who you once loved with all your might. You might even label this person a “misogynist” or a “douchebag” just to ease the pain. This is called devaluation.

But devaluation is always proceeded by idealization. If this boy was playing the knight in shining armor, then someone must have been playing the damsel in distress. It takes two to tango. If he was over-protective it was most likely because she was constantly putting herself in peril. This is the beginnings of a classic co-dependent relationship a la BPD. The typical asshole/douchebag does not have time for this nonsense/drama. He’s in and he’s out.

No, the person who is duped by this co-dependent act is usually Mr. Nice Guy.  The guy who’s in it for the long haul. The guy who foolishly believes true love can conquer dysfunctional behavior. But Mr. Nice Guy’s is also sensitive. He has to be to understand the borderline’s pain. Only he can see her beauty behind the stone walls she puts up.

Suddenly the princess falls in love. Suddenly she feels things she has never felt before. This causes a borderline to freak out. She will either push him away or try to pull him in. She might put herself in more peril to call her Prince into action, to make sure he doesn’t abandon her. But this doubles as self-sabotage. Because now the Prince is wondering why this Princess is always in trouble. She is quite literally a trouble maker.

Even for the most dedicated Prince this can be too much. Doubt creeps into his mind. A borderline princess can sense when a lover is distancing himself. Suddenly, the Princess’ worst nightmare has come true. She fears abandonment, so she reacts by putting up the stone walls again. She might even throw stones at him to scare him off. Yes, borderlines will break your heart before you have a chance to break theirs.

So what version of the story sounds more accurate? Which version sounds like fiction? And which one sounds like fact? You be the judge. It’s hard to tell who the real douchebag is when you’re dealing with a silent abuser who uses false accusations as a weapon. But all you have to do is look at a person’s track record. Who has a history of manipulating people and the truth? We’re talking about people who can’t deal with the way the world really is so they revise it to their liking. This is someone who has been severely traumatized. To them, fairy-tales are comforting and the truth is painful.

answers this very important question:

Question: I Have BPD. Does This Mean My Kids Will Get BPD Too?

I have been diagnosed with BPD, and now I am worried about my children. I have heard that BPD runs in families. If I have BPD, will my children get it too?

Answer:

No. If you have BPD, your kids are at greater risk of having BPD themselves. But, there is also a good chance that they will not have BPD. And, there are things you can do to reduce their risk.

There is research showing that BPD runs in families. This is likely due to a number of factors. First, some part of BPD is due to genetics; if these are your biological kids and they have inherited a certain combination of genes from you, they may be more at risk to develop BPD.

Second, the types of environments that can put children at risk of developing BPD also run in families. For example, someone who is maltreated as a child is at greater risk to develop BPD. That person is also at greater risk of having difficulty parenting. It is hard to be an effective parent when you are struggling with BPD symptoms, and it does not help if you did not have good parenting models yourself.

However, none of this means that your children will have BPD. While there is nothing you can do about genetics, if your kids live with you, there is a great deal you can do about environmental factors. And, there is evidence that environment has a very strong influence on whether or not people with the genes for BPD actually develop the disorder.

The first thing that you can do is to get treatment for yourself. People who undergo an effective treatment for BPD under the guidance of a mental health professional can improve significantly. Some people no longer meet diagnostic criteria for BPD after they finish treatment. Having less symptoms means having more resources for effective parenting.

Once you are in treatment, you can also express your concerns about your children to your care provider, and ask them for help. Your provider can help you to evaluate your home environment and whether your symptoms could be affecting your parenting skills. They may even be able to refer you to programs that help people build skills to be more effective parents. People with BPD can be very effective and nurturing parents, but because the symptoms of BPD can be very intense, for many it does take some work.

The good doctor is playing it positive, but I still have my concerns. Children are fragile. Children of borderlines even more so. If adults can be harmed by a borderline’s abusive behavior, a child is certainly at risk. Any child of a borderline will tell you horror stories.

My initial concern is that untreated borderlines would use having a baby as a quick fix for life’s problems. Much like an insecure borderline would rush into marriage hoping to soothe fears of abandonment. To most of us that would seem outrageous. But to someone who is constantly looking to fill the void within, having a baby seems like an easy solution to a nagging problem. But the added pressure can only exacerbate BPD conditions. Even more alarming is another life will be affected by an untreated borderline’s erratic behavior and severe mood swings. And then the cycle continues.

Stephanie Hallett is a writer at Ms Magazine and she has a conspiracy theory. According to her and her angry cohorts, we live in a rape culture. Did you know that? Apparently, our society supports rapists and their efforts to rape women. Ms. Hallett has implicated the NY Times as well as the FBI in this conspiracy. It seems the FBI, when they’re not going after America’s most wanted, has been spending their free time making life hard for women who allege rape.

Ms Hallett believes that the FBI’s definition of rape is outdated and limiting. That is, it excludes certain people from claiming victimhood. For instance, people who can’t control their alcohol or sexual impulses. People who lack proper boundaries. People who are prone to lies and manipulation. People who are prone to chaos manufacturing and false accusations. Drama queens, attention whores and troublemakers, no go. And vindictive women who secretly hate men are also left out in the cold. I hope I haven’t excluded anyone. I would hate to have Ms. Hallett point her heat-seeking missiles at me.

Ms Magazine has devoted an entire issue to the topic of rape. But no where do they speak of BPD. Odd, because BP women are more likely to be victimized than the rest of the female population. They are also more likely to indulge in false accusations and other attention-seeking activities. But the editor felt this topic was not worthy of inclusion. If you’re going to talk about rape, tell the whole story. Not just the parts that push your political agenda.

In the end, even if the FBI were to revise their definition of rape to meet Ms. Hallett’s questionable standards, it would do nothing to curb rapists. Monsters like murderers, molesters and rapists tend to not follow rules. Even if you were to lock up all the rapists in the world, self-victimizers and repeat victims will always find ways to claim victimhood. The self-destructive will always find ways to self-destruct. Court justice will do little to console those living with lifelong trauma.

If you truly want to prevent rape, then it’s time to stop the nonsense and the distractions. It’s time to address personal issues like personality disorders and substance abuse. Investigate any questionable instances of rape and you will mostly find a history of both. If you want to stop rape, cut off the supply of victims. Rapists prey on the weak. That includes people who are stuck in a state of victimhood. People who have a long history of victimhood.

Sending angry letters and signing meaningless petitions will do nothing to help people who are stuck in an endless pattern of self-victimization. Misguided advocates think this is a legal and political issue. They could not be more wrong. The solution is not a political one, but a personal one. The women who are most vulnerable to predators are the emotionally damaged. This has nothing to do with how the NY Times or the FBI defines rape. This has everything to do with women who habitually put themselves at risk.

Ms. Hallett and her fellow writers at Ms. magazine are only distracting people from getting the help they desperately need, when they should be encouraging these people to seek it. Read some of the comments left by the readers at Ms. magazine, and you will notice many of them bear a striking resemblance to untreated borderlines. These are emotionally damaged people blindly lashing out with irrational rage.

The following quote is from an article written by a nurse to help her fellow nurses deal with borderline patients:

Most folks of BPD WERE victims at one time. That is not the problem, however. The problem is that the BPD derives benefits in remaining a victim…and will fight tooth and nail to remain one. Lots of rewards, lots of power, lots of attention are won by it.

Fighting “tooth and nail” is what the writers at Ms. magazine do best. Conflict and drama are in their nature. But for all the benefits the borderline thinks they are receiving, there are plenty of nasty side-effects with self-victimization. Rape is just one of the horrible things that can happen to a person who is addicted to victimhood. These are people who are destined for tragedy. They have been conditioned for it. These are people who are obviously starved for attention. But this is the wrong kind.

I find the writers and readers of Ms magazine to be extremely naive. They have this delusional belief that if only the world worked their way, the course of their tragic lives would be magically and dramatically different. They have accused the FBI and the NY Times of being outdated, but I suggest it is the “victim vs victimizer” model that is outdated. The political trash talk is irrelevant and ineffective.

The new age of personal awareness and self-empowerment is upon us. Ms magazine, put down your pitchforks. It’s time for self-reflection. It’s time you got with the program. The world is not out to get you. That is your own paranoid delusion. Antagonizing the world will not save you or womankind. And it certainly won’t make the world sympathetic to your cause. Rape exploitation does nothing to empower women. It merely keeps troubled women in a state of victimhood. If these self-victimizers would just take a good look at themselves, they would realize that they are their worst enemy.

Ms. blogger Stephanie Hallett is at it again. Still trying to prove that false accusations of rape are a myth. Like unicorns and fairies. How does she do this? By making false accusations herself. More specifically accusing the NY Times of “putting an alleged rape victim on trial”. On trial? Yes, according to Ms. Hallett reporting the circumstances of the case is equivalent to burning a woman at the stake. Ms Hallett was particularly irked by this statement:

Still, the prosecution’s case may rely heavily on the credibility of a woman who was admittedly drunk at the time she says she was sexually assaulted, and cannot recall large portions of the evening.

How dare they suggest that a drunk woman’s testimony is shaky at best? A woman who could not recall a large portion of the evening but seems to recall being raped. How dare they report the truth? Now, I’m not saying the alleged rapists are innocent. Their behavior is also highly suspect. But the NY Times does a pretty good job of portraying shadiness on both sides. That’s what a newspaper is suppose to do- report the whole story.

But Ms. Magazine and their band of angry survivors seem to think that alleged victims of rape should be treated with kid gloves. They can only be portrayed as sweet and innocent victims. And any doubt should be left out of the reporting.

Even feminist writer, Libby Copeland, called Ms. Hallett on her bullshit:

Over at the Ms. Magazine blog, a writer is trying to arguepoorly, I think—that the New York Timesrecent coverage of the so-called “rape cops” trial is yet more evidence of the newspaper’s habit of “blaming the victim” in rape cases…

…The Ms. blogger suggests that the Times story amounts to “the media … sending women the message that a drunk victim can’t really be raped.” That’s not what’s going on here. Rather, there are a whole mess of reasons why rape may be hard to prove in a court of law. The victim being drunk might be one of them. That’s infuriating. But it’s not the fault of the New York Times.

A drunk woman can be raped and is more likely to be raped. But what the NY Times has reported is the fact that when alcohol is involved, it makes it harder to prosecute. Why is that so hard for the writers at Ms. to understand? I’ve read the article and I see no evidence of the NY Times “blaming the victim”.

But Ms. Magazine is so convinced that the NY Times is wrong, they have asked their readers to sign a petition to bully the NY Times into submission. The irony here is that they are trying to change the perception of rape accusers. But by making the NY Times their scapegoat, they have only proven that false accusations are easily made.

And they are made for the same reason that Stephanie Hallett has demonstrated- to lash out as an expression of great pain and sadness. To make someone responsible for the shame they feel so deeply. Someone other than themselves. It is this transfer of shame that is the basis of false accusations.

Ms. Hallett has demonstrated the hyper-sensitivity that would make someone assume they’ve been victimized when clearly they have not. This is a desperate call for sympathy. She is begging others to acknowledge pain that has yet to be acknowledged. She is dealing with her own feelings of guilt with outrage. But she has also demonstrated the black and white thinking that would make someone assume malicious intent on the part of someone who is just doing his/her job. Ultimately, she has shown how irrational thinking and self-victimization can lead to false accusations.

(Trigger Warning: If you’re the type that needs trigger warnings, then this post is not for you.)

Last week, Ms magazine blogged about false accusations of rape. The author of that post, Stephanie Hallett, was quick to conclude that false accusations are not a problem. She was also eager to convince readers that alcohol and mental disorders should never be a factor when considering the validity of such accusations. So eager, she has resorted to demonizing anyone who dares to question any accusations of rape. One has to wonder why she considers herself an expert in these matters.

More importantly, why is Ms. Hallett so eager to silence the conversation about alcohol abuse and mental disorders as it pertains to false accusations???

Before we decide that all accusations of rape are true, shouldn’t we investigate each case and the women who make such accusations? And if we find a history of questionable behavior, shouldn’t that raise eyebrows? If somebody passes out because they drank too much, how can we expect them to remember details of that night? Even people who were lucid enough to remember giving consent have later recanted and revised their story. This is not to say that claims by people with a history of alcohol abuse and mental disorders are automatically bogus. I’m just suggesting they deserve a grain of salt.

Ms. Hallett was good enough to provide the following stat:

studies have shown that in 55 percent of rape cases, alcohol or drugs are involved. In acquaintance rape cases, that number is sometimes as high as 80 to 90 percent

Clearly alcohol contributes to rape. So wouldn’t it makes sense that it also contributes to false accusations as well? Ms. Hallett was quick to say no. But I believe it deserves some exploration.

We live in a culture that promotes drinking. Which means we have normalized what most addiction specialists would consider signs of alcoholism. For instance, we think it is normal for people to drink and black out. It is not. It is neither normal nor healthy. What people don’t want to hear is that blacking out is a clear sign that someone is an alcoholic. Dr. Dombeck explains:

Blacking out while drinking is an absolutely CLASSIC sign of ALCOHOLISM, and not minor alcoholism either, but the big league stuff. You are almost certainly addicted to alcohol in terms of physiological dependence (the formal diagnosis is “Alcohol Dependence”, or “Alcohol Abuse” and yes it is physiological and not just in your head. People with drinking problems can be expected to minimize their use of alcohol when describing it so I take what you are saying with a grain of salt figuring it is an underestimate of what you actually consumed…

Oh but hold the press, Stephanie Hallett is back again with new “insights” about rape and alcohol:

First off, alcohol causes memory loss, not false memories. When drinkers try to fill in the lost time, they generally assume positive experiences–unlike, say, rape.

First off, everybody reacts to alcohol differently, especially people who have been traumatized. False memories are most likely a product of past victimization, not alcohol consumption. However, people with a history of alcohol abuse, usually have a history of emotional trauma. Any addiction specialist will tell you this. Alcoholism, itself, is a survivor struggling to cope with past trauma. That’s why their reactions to drinking are much more severe. Furthermore, there is a strong link between personality disorders and alcohol. 50% of people diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder are also diagnosed with alcoholism:

Why do people with BPD also often develop alcoholism? Most likely, several factors that account for the high rate of co-occurrence. First, BPD and alcoholism may share common genetic pathways. That is, some of the genes that put people at higher risk for BPD may also create higher risk for alcoholism. Also, there may be common environmental causes for alcoholism for BPD. For example, experiences of maltreatment in childhood (such as physical or sexual abuse, or emotional abuse or neglect), have been linked to both BPD and alcoholism.

But, there may also be other reasons for the link between alcoholism and BPD. Individuals with BPD may use alcohol to decrease the intense emotional experiences that are a hallmark of BPD. Because people with BPD have strong emotions frequently, casual use of alcohol may lead to abuse or dependence.

For those not familiar with BPD, possible borderline behavior includes false accusations, false memories, irrational outbursts, and frequently getting into trouble. These behaviors are well-documented. A borderline with a drinking problem is a prime target for sexual assault. Borderlines often have poor boundaries and promiscuous tendencies. They lack self-esteem and have bad decision-making skills. But they are also world-renowned illusionists. A borderline in denial will say anything to stay in denial. Including lying about rape. These are facts that Ms magazine will never publish.

Secondly, false memories are typically created after a traumatized person has sobered up. So alcohol is no longer a factor at this point. This is a period when the person is trying to make sense of what happened the night before. They are trying to rationalize a traumatic event.

My ex claims she was drugged by some guy at a college party. I have seen her drunk on many occasions, and she doesn’t need drugs. After a night of drinking, she has no control of her behavior and will have no recollection of her behavior the following day. If you were to look at photos of her after a night of drinking, you would see a blank stare on her face like a raccoon caught in the headlights. That blank stare means she is checked out for the night. There is nothing normal nor healthy about this kind of reaction to alcohol. Yet she continues to drink.

Drinking to the point of dissociation is often a sign of childhood trauma. Detaching from reality is a coping mechanism. Survivors dissociate when they are sober, but obviously drinking facilitates the process. It is this detachment from reality that makes them more vulnerable to re-victimization and self-victimization. One man asks if alcohol can induce dissociative identity disorder (alter ego):

When this person drinks {which is not very often}her personality completely changes, she starts speaking in an English accent, but has never been out of the United States, her parents are from California……this person becomes extremely sexually aggressive,and then in the morning acts like nothing has happened, I dated this person for about 3 months and noticed this about 7 or 8 times, she was abused as a child but i do not know all the details,when not drinking she is a very articulate, smart, charming person…a good job and successful, I have met many people since our breakup that known her for 25 years, and I am not the only person who has seen this..I brought this up with her and now we do not talk anymore,but I still am concerned….also she has said things in this state to me that she totally denies the next day{I love you,I need you,don’t ever leave me,will you always protect me?}..always in an English accent..strange !!!

This man could very well be describing my ex. It is not hard to imagine how someone like this could end up being victimized. Bad things can happen when people pass out. These people have a proclivity for irresponsible behavior even when they are sober. This is not exclusive to women. A man who passes out in an alleyway could get mugged and beaten to death. A drunk driver could crash into someone’s living room and not even know it. A woman could wake up with a stranger on top of her. Alcohol only unleashes the irresponsibility that was already there.

But it’s also not hard to imagine why someone like this would live in denial. Their embarrassing behavior is actually an unfortunate product of child abuse. It is a pattern of self-destruction and acting out that will continue throughout their life until they seek treatment.

It’s not uncommon for survivors to construct elaborate cover-up stories. Ever wonder why rape advocates are so obsessed with “slut shaming”? These people are very aware of the stigma that comes with sexual assault. Rather than own up to their embarrassing behavior, they would rather say they were victimized. False accusations are a way of shifting the blame/shame and eliciting sympathy. It’s a form of denial. Long ago they learned that playing the victim is a way to avoid persecution. Whether this is a conscious decision or not is up for debate.

It is important to acknowledge that many of these women who repeatedly find themselves in questionable circumstances have a history of sexual abuse and profound emotional issues. My ex had a history of cutting her wrists and suffered from depression BEFORE she was allegedly raped. These lifelong emotional issues make them more vulnerable to predators than the average person. Rape is not as random as most advocates would like you to believe. Predators often target people who have been victimized before.

When we talk about false accusations, we’re not necessarily talking about people who are lying. We are also talking about people who are unable to remember what happened. The subconscious mind has a way of covering up things that are too painful to accept.

A person who has a history of trauma and alcoholism has a very loose grip on reality… if any. Even when they are sober. I have seen it with my own eyes. I have witnessed my borderline ex shifting in and out of reality. Changing her story as many times as she has told it. It would be absurd to expect this person to be able to tell the truth. They, themselves, have no idea what the truth is.

Someone who has been repeatedly victimized their whole life, may automatically assume they were raped. People who were abused as children, grow accustomed to mistreatment. Their expectations often become self-fulfilling prophecies. This condition causes them to assume the worst. False memories can also be coaxed by an irresponsible therapist or overzealous advocates.

People who have been sexually traumatized have a problem with memory recall and perception as it pertains to intimate relations. That is a fact, not an opinion. But one that is ignored by so-called rape advocates.

A person who has suffered past trauma like this is also susceptible to all kinds of triggers. That’s why feminist blogs are littered with trigger alerts. For all we know, drunken sex might have triggered memories of past sexual abuse. Past abuse that might have been suppressed and then resurfaced when the survivor was triggered. I couldn’t even touch my ex’s wrists without triggering memories of cutting herself. The line that separates reality from painful memories is always a thin one. There’s a reason why their accusations are questionable. These reasons should not be silenced by angry rape survivors.

Also we should not make the mistake of assuming that every woman who cries “rape” is an innocent victim. The myth is that these survivors are helpless waifs. I have dated my fair share of troubled women (including women with a history of sexual assault) and I can tell you they were some of the most manipulative and hateful women I’ve ever been with. Sure, when you first meet them, they may seem innocent and sweet. They play the damsel-in-distress to lure you in. But that is part of the illusion.

I treated every one of those women like a princess. I treated them with care and concern they have never seen before. I treated them better than they treat themselves. And they all paid me back with betrayal and outrageous accusations. I state this not to elicit sympathy, but to show you that victims can be bad people too. Conventional wisdom would suggest that survivors of abuse would be more considerate of others, but lifelong abuse often hardens one’s heart.

I can say all these things, because I have intimate knowledge of such people. I have been betrayed by these so-called “victims” over and over again. But even people who know the truth are afraid to speak it for fear of someone accusing them of being a rape apologist or a misogynist. But this is more proof that false accusations are quite common amongst the survivor/victim crowd. For people who grew up in a hostile environment, it is their most potent weapon and they are not afraid to use it.

We are talking about women who have been abused their whole life. That means they have been conditioned to accept abuse as well as dole it out. We’re talking about women who have a score to settle with MANkind. They are looking for an excuse to unleash that rage upon a man, any man. Even a loved one. These are women who secretly hate men. They have no problem using and abusing them and then discarding them. And maybe tarnishing that man’s reputation in the process to justify their own inhumane behavior. If they are willing to do this to a man they supposedly loved, then what’s to stop them from ruining a man they used for sex?

In the absence of physical violence, these silent abusers inflict emotional violence upon unsuspecting men. They would have you believe that society favors men, but these are women who know how to elicit sympathy. They know how to play a damsel-in-distress. They know how to use the law to their advantage. They have been abusing the victim card their whole life. And I can testify that they are much better at manipulating people than you are.

So when any one of these women cries wolf, I am extremely suspicious. If you’ve been keeping up with the Tigerbeatdown drama here on Savory Dish, you will have witnessed some of these troubled souls throwing around false accusations without effort. You have witnessed Shady Doyle confusing harsh criticism with abuse. And witnessed her accusing her own followers of being abusers. This is a master manipulator at work.

Even if we locked up all the rapists and alleged rapists of the world, I guarantee you these troubled people would still find trouble to get into. Their personal history tells me so. I have seen it with my own eyes. According to my borderline ex, she has been molested, cut her wrists, been raped and been mugged. Even if all of these were legitimate claims, doesn’t that seem troubling? Is it a coincidence that all these horrible things happened to one person. No. It isn’t. There is a pattern of behavior here. There are signs of trouble that should not be ignored.

When rape is questionable (which is NOT often), BOTH parties (alleged victim and alleged rapist) usually have a history of questionable behavior. A history of chaos and unnecessary drama. That’s what makes it questionable.

But even when rape accusations are real, there is still a question of why men with personality disorders and drinking problems end up raping women with similar issues. Birds of a feather flock together. Predators and victims all belong to the same dysfunctional club. It is an exclusive lifetime membership that is passed on from one generation to another. But advocacy groups and publications like Ms. magazine will never reveal this truth. Why? I think you know the answer.

False accusations involving any crime are relatively few and far between. Ms. Hallett has suggested that this means false accusations are not a problem. If your brother or father (someone you loved) was accused of rape, you would probably consider it a problem. A serious problem with devastating effects. But why is Ms. Hallett trying to diminish the pain of others?

As Ms. Hallett has pointed out, the percentage of false accusations are relatively small. That is because the percentage of people who are capable of such allegations is also small. But the small percentage of people who are afflicted with personality disorders and alcoholism is still a number in the millions. That’s a significant number. Remember- it only takes one person to ruin the rest of your life.

While I believe the vast majority of rape cases are legitimate… why is it those that are questionable always seem to involve alcohol abuse and personality disorders? Is that a coincidence? And why is Ms Magazine so determined to suppress this information? I was under the impression that feminism stood for the empowerment of all women, but it seems lately they are in the business of defending women of dubious reputation. Is this journalism? Or is this a personal vendetta dressed up as social activism?

Visit the Ms blog and you will find angry survivors defending a woman’s right to engage in risky behavior. Is this activism? Or is this irresponsible women defending their own bad choices? Are they rushing to defend women they don’t even know? Or are they fighting a much more personal battle?

We can all agree that rape is a horrible crime. We can all agree that rapists are vile scum. We can all agree that rapists should be punished to the fullest extent of the law. And only if it is a clear-cut case of rape.

But what if the circumstances are questionable? Ms magazine would have us presume that all accusations of rape are true, all of the accused- guilty, and all the accusers- righteous. But I say we need to look at all allegations with a careful eye.

If you think Ms magazine can do a better job of raising awareness about rape, write to the senior editor mkort@msmagazine.com

OK all you angry activists out there. If you wanna go apeshit about something. THIS is it. Wanna know why the global economy is in the shitter? Wanna know where your tax money is going? Wanna know where politicians (both Republicans and Democrats) are getting their campaign funding from? This is it. The biggest threat to the US is not terrorism or China, it’s companies like Goldman Sachs. Wake up people.

Do Men Lie About Rape?

April 14, 2011

Let’s be fair. A man is just as capable of lying about rape as a woman. A month ago, Garland Grey accused me of being a “butt-hurt”. I would have been offended. But it was such a ridiculously childish insult, I could only laugh. Little did I know this childish insult had tragic origins. It seems Garland was trying to project his pain onto me. More is explained as Garland tells his story:

When I was dating in college, I went to a bar on the strip on a Thursday where queers hung out before the gay club was built across town, to see if I could meet someone. I met someone. I remember very little from that evening in 2002, I just remember going home with him. I do not remember what part of town he lived in, what car he drove, what his apartment looked like. I think I had been drinking, but I was underaged at the time, so I can’t imagine how I pulled that off.

All I have of this story is fucking fragments. I had never been penetrated before, and I remember thinking to myself after I got back to campus and found I was bleeding that if I had explained that to him he would have stopped. Or he might have done it a different way. But ultimately it was my fault for having consented to anal sex without knowing I could handle the pain. For years I believed this was a story about me getting into things I couldn’t handle.

And then I joined a website, and that website started talking about rape, and I made the conscious decision to take a back seat in that discussion because I had a Venn diagram in my head with Rape in one circle and Things That Have Happened To Me in another, and it was very, very important that the overlap be a null set. I felt that saying “I didn’t realize what happened to me was rape until I heard a lot of people talking about rape at once” would be too much. So I monitored to conversation, moderated the comments, and stayed out of it.

BTW this is almost identical to the story told to me by my Borderline Ex. It happened during her undergrad years as well. Sadly, this is not an uncommon story for troubled teens. I’m sure a lot of Tiger Beaters have similar stories. The college years are when teens go wild. But when someone has a family history of risky behavior and weak boundaries it is a prophecy waiting to be fulfilled.

So was this rape? Or was this just another case of an undergrad getting boozed up and ending up in a situation he couldn’t handle? He seems to recall going home with a guy he met at a gay bar. What did he think was going to happen? Was he thinking they were going to end up playing Scrabble? It’s always a fuzzy area when alcohol is involved, but this situation seems pretty clear cut.

And now because he visited a website that told him it was rape, he thinks that guy raped him. Even though he admits to consenting to sex. He was bleeding after anal sex, so it must have been rape. Right? So is Garland lying? Or is he just trying to rationalize a traumatic experience? Rather than take responsibility for his actions, he would rather entertain the idea that he was victimized… that he was raped.

Does this scare anyone? It should. Because what this says is that any one night stand could end up with the other person accusing you of rape. Pretty serious stuff. Pretty fucking scary.

I’ve only had a few one night stands in my life, but I was fortunate enough not to have any of them accuse me of rape. Lord knows, I’ve been involved with my fair share of crazy women. Any one of them could have flipped out and accused me of rape. Just for shits and giggles. Because a few of them were just fucked up enough to do something like that. Knock on wood (no pun intended), none of them did. But I was lucky.

So what now… do we need to have people sign waivers before we have sex with them? Do we require them to submit to a psych evaluation before we do the dirty deed? Does the fear of false accusations have to be added to the fear of contracting an STD?

Sex is an intense and intimate experience. Some people can’t handle it. Especially people who are hyper-sensitive and emotionally unstable. Some of these people have had really bad experiences with sex. Not as in bad sex, but as in inappropriate sex at a young age. Most people (especially in the heat of the moment) don’t think about that. The thing you should know is there are a lot of fucked up people out there. I had to learn this the hard way.

These are people who have deep-seated feelings of victimization. They have a dark dark past. And all it takes is something as intense as sex to trigger these emotions. Dark emotions that are just bubbling underneath the surface. And when you’ve had a few too many, you may not realize that the stranger you met at the bar has some serious issues going on. Until it’s too late.

When someone has been victimized their whole life, it doesn’t take much to trigger the past. Memories get foggy, thought-processes go haywire and experiences sometimes evolve into things that never happened. The human mind plays tricks on people all the time. What we think is a solid object is just a collection of sub-atomic particles. But when someone’s mind is flooded with painful memories and highly-charged emotions his/her brain becomes their worst enemy…  and sometimes somebody else’s worst nightmare.

Garland Grey has recently reached meltdown capacity. This is all part of the emotional circus that we know as Tiger Beatdown. Not that you would care, but it seems there has been a little dissension amongst the Tiger Beat ranks and it has sent their beloved co-conspirator into a tailspin. Here is Garland engaging in what he, himself, calls “butt hurt” whining:

… I haven’t been able to write anything of length without floundering around in a kiddie pool of self-doubt and anger. It seems that when you try to turn a person into a symbol of institutional oppression in order to erase them, it destabilizes that person’s identity. While everyone else has gone back to their lives, I am filled with rage and pain that I can’t afford to do anything but swallow. I wish I could find some way of climbing on top of this, of finding some logic or justice in it, but I’m still feeling bitter and betrayed.

The only thing keeping me on Tumblr at this point is molten spite. I am still here. I am still writing. And even though I am swimming through shit right now, you still weren’t smart, strong, or fast enough to beat me.

Garland Motherfucking Grey
Revenge Blogging the Meltdown

Fortunately, Shady O’Doyle was there to pick up the mess. It seems the tagteam duo takes turns being overly dramatic. Here is Shady’s long-winded response. You might want to skim, because this woman lacks some serious self-editing skills:

Dear Garland,

This is Sady. And I like you! My faith in you, which has been huge and bright like a burning star ever since I first read your blog, has only increased. And the fact is, I could be sending you this via e-mail. BUT I’M NOT, because I wish to express publicly all my support of you.

Here is the thing. I, too, have been feeling bummers lately! Just assorted bummers, really, not always Internet-related ones, and sometimes not the Internet-related ones you would think. And I have had to come to terms with the following factoids:

1) When you are public, and as you grow more public, reactions to you become increasingly intense, and very polarized. You will hear “YOU SAVED MY LIFE” or “I LOVE YOU” a lot. And you will also hear “FUCK YOU” and “I WANT TO PUNCH YOU IN THE FACE” a lot. The people with moderate reactions are not the ones giving the feedback, generally. Because their reactions are too moderate to inspire them to say something to a stranger.

2) It is undeniably hard to form a coherent, stable idea of yourself as a person, when you are getting these huge and polarized reactions. When you’re hearing that you’re a hero and a star and a life-saving genius, and also hearing that you’re disgusting and stupid and should be physically harmed, well, you have to wonder: Who the hell are you? Who is correct here? Are you truly worth hate? Are you truly worth love? Are you a hero? Are you a monster? Because here you are, seeing all of this, and it’s all so intense and so contradictory, but it’s all aimed at the same target. Which is you. After a while, you start to feel very lost and confused. And then, SURPRISE, you are a writer, and your job is to show up and tell everyone what you think! And it’s very hard to know what you think, if you don’t even know who’s doing the thinking, or how to feel about that person!

2a) This is especially hard if you are the sort of person — and I know I am; I think you are too, because in my experience you are very kind and caring, and kind and caring people tend to have this problem — who bases a large part of his self-understanding on how people react to him. If their reactions are good, you’re good. If their reactions are bad, you’re bad. If they want to hang out with you, then you’re worth hanging out with, and you deserve to feel good about yourself; if they don’t, there’s something wrong with you, and you deserve to be ashamed. Am I right?

3) And here’s where the hard part comes in. At the end of the day, that doesn’t work. Sometimes we can’t get the support we need from the people we need. Sometimes that’s not our fault. Sometimes there’s nothing you can do to make someone like you, or come through for you, or treat you the way that you want to be treated. Sometimes, you DO win over the people you want to win over, and then LATER you piss them off and lose their support, and often this happens without people even telling you about it, and that just DOUBLE SUCKS. Losing people, or losing the idea that you are supported by people — it’s a rough one. There wouldn’t be so many songs about it if that weren’t true. And it destroys your self-worth to the extent that your self-worth is based on how people react to you. And so you can’t base your self-worth on that. Because it will destroy you. And because you are, in this life, pretty much responsible for two things, which are (a) helping people when you can, as best you can, and (b) making sure you don’t get destroyed.

3a) Other people, as much as we’d like to believe differently, are NOT responsible for making sure you don’t get destroyed. When it comes to the matter of you, they have less responsibility than you do. Less of an ethical obligation. This is especially true when they are strangers on the Internet.

4) And this is where it gets really complicated. We all live in public now, we’re having this conversation on Tumblr for fucks’ sakes, but we still live in a culture that promotes “being public” as something that is good and desirable in and of itself. We are trained to think of “fame” or “being known” as universally positive, unless you are in the headlines for being a serial killer or whatever. I just don’t think this is true, for any number of reasons, and I think it is harmful and a fucked-up thing within our culture, because it promotes dehumanization of the “public,” “known” people who are “not like the rest of us,” and dehumanization of the “unknown” people who are implicitly “not as good” or “not worth as much.” But as you become increasingly public, and you start to deal with the increasing number of reactions toward you, it is very hard for people to understand what you’re talking about sometimes, or to empathize. Because it seems like you got this big positive thing everyone is supposed to want, and now you’re ungrateful. And fuck you for being ungrateful!

4a) Except you’re not ungrateful. You’re just dealing with a very different set of experiences, which can be positive or negative, painful or happy, like any other set of human experiences. Except that yours are now kind of weird.

5) But here’s the thing. It is lonely, ultimately, dealing with everyone’s reactions. It is strange. It will confuse you and mess with your head and hurt you deeply, and you will have trouble finding people to even talk to about it, sometimes. Which is why, in the long run, it comes down to you. You are the only person who can decide who you are. You are the only authority on the worth of your actions. Yes, obviously, part of what you do is to entertain people or educate them or whatever. But ultimately, only you can really serve as an authority on your moral standing, the worth of your work, or the merits of your actions. Because when you have fifteen different VERY STRONG reactions to everything you do, you really need a guiding voice, someone who is The Authority and Gets It and Knows What’s Right. And that person always has to be you. Because there are a LOT OF PEOPLE who will sign up for that job, the Authority On Your Worth job, but ultimately, you are the only one who can sign up for it permanently and commit to it in the long term.

So this is what I’m saying, Garland. Ultimately, after all these many long paragraphs, I like you, and I support you, and I love everything you write. But at the end of the day, you just have to sit there, and look at who you are, and look at what you’ve written, and ask yourself if you really, genuinely do enjoy reading the piece of work you’ve just created, if you really, genuinely do believe in the merits of your actions. Sometimes you won’t like it, and sometimes you will. But listen to that voice. Because it’s the only one you will ever be able to really trust. And it has your best interests at heart.

S.

Oy, the drama and the exposition. It’s like watching Jersey Shore with commentary from Snooki. Funny how Shady comforting Garland sounds a lot like Shady explaining why people hate her. This is not an act of compassion, this is a narcissist providing more justification for pissing people off. This is Shady soothing Shady between Gin Gimlets. There is no fight for social justice, just two whiney brats stroking each other’s fragile egos.

What’s scary is that naive and immature people like my borderline ex look to these two assclowns for guidance. They all adamantly deny they have BPD, but yet all of them consistently demonstrate behavior that bears a striking resemblance to borderline behavior. How do you explain this?

I am willing to bet this is not the first time Garland has experienced depression. Extreme emotionality seems to be his calling card. I’m willing to bet it’s been a lifelong struggle. If I recall correctly, there was talk about Garland leaving tumblrdom to get his life back on track. But that hiatus lasted for a day. You see, what attracted Shady and Garland to Tumblr Activism was not the fight for Social Justice. They were attracted to the drama of catfights. These are people who grew up in an abusive environment. Without the scratching and clawing, there is no purpose in life.

But like any drug, drama has it’s downside. The high of drama is followed by the hangover that is depression. Why would Garland get his life back on track, when he can get his daily fix of chaos? When he has Tumblr enablers calling him back with their sweet siren song. Want to know why borderlines never get better? Read the bullshit that comes out of these two. This is the type of rationalization that goes on in the head of a borderline in denial.

Oh what a tangled web they weave. They just don’t get it. They don’t get that THEY are the source of their drama. A drama that they thirst for like a vampire thirsts for blood. These are not activists. They are dramatists. They are not survivors. They are damaged souls in desperate need of the attention they never got as a child.  They are crying out for help, but nobody will listen. Not even themselves.

Do Women Lie About Rape?

April 10, 2011

That was a question posed by Ms Magazine’s blog. And while I agree with the author when she says the vast majority of survivors are not lying. It doesn’t mean we should dismiss the possibility of someone lying about rape. But who would lie about such a thing? One commenter tells her story:

I’m commenting here as a guest to preserve the privacy of those involved, but I wanted to share my story with you.

One of my favorite uncles (and my brother’s godfather) has the biggest heart I’ve ever known. We called him Hagrid, because he’s big and gruff like the half-giant from Harry Potter, but he’s also lovable and gentle-natured. Every one of us kids loved him, but he never had kids. He married later in life, and his wife wasn’t exactly a kid-person. So when his wife’s relative’s daughter left custody with her aunt because her aunt was addicted to crack and abusive, he took her in to live with them.

When she first came to live with him, she was incredibly antisocial, but soon she was gaining a more healthy weight, getting more color in her face, and calling my uncle ‘dad’. It really was like he’d gained a daughter. Then they started having problems. He told my mom about issues he was having with his daughter, and my mom tried to explain to him that she was just a teenager and acting out is what teenagers do.

Then she had a blow-up. They had her taken to the psych ward for help, and while she was there, she accused my uncle of molesting her and raping her every day since he adopted her. This girl has RAD, an emotional disorder that is known for causing people to make false accusations to gain power. Every piece of evidence, everything she has claimed, has been looked into and proven to be untrue. Some of the things she claimed are physically impossible for my uncle to do. Her own diary has a suspicious entry that suggests she was planning to do something bad to my uncle, shortly before she made the claim. The same entry says that my uncle didn’t do anything bad and she didn’t dislike him, she just wanted to go live with her other relatives (the ones that abused her before.)

It’s been a year this week since she accused him. He’s been under house arrest; once they revoked his bond and he was in jail for three days, and the jail nurse nearly killed him by giving him the wrong dosage of medicine. When he was released from jail, the doctor said that a few more hours would have killed him. His neighbors have turned sour toward him, and there are days when he calls my mother in tears.

The charge is false. I have no doubt in my mind that the case will be thrown out. But the worst part of it isn’t even the way that it’s permanently destroyed my uncle’s life, or the way that it completely broke his heart, or the way that it has taken $50,000 SO FAR from a couple that is completely dependent on disability pay to live. The worst part is that this is one more false rape accusation that will further cement the idea into peoples’ minds that false accusations are commonplace.

My heart breaks every time I read a story like this. This type of betrayal is enough to crush someone’s soul. I know exactly what it’s like to care for someone, only to have them viciously turn on you for inexplicable reasons. I wanted to reach out to her and give her uncle my sympathies. But I also wanted to correct her. Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) is actually a diagnosis reserved for small children. The false accusations would most likely be a result of other personality disorders that commonly develop later in adulthood:

So sorry about your uncle. False accusations should be taken as seriously as rape. It ruins people, their reputation and their lives.

RAD is actually an attachment disorder developed by young children (under 5 yo) in reaction to abuse, neglect or separation. However, as they reach their teen years they may develop other, more severe, personality disorders such as borderline personality disorder, histrionic personality disorder, or narcissistic personality disorder. False accusations and abusive behaviors are pretty common with all of these disorders. These PDs cause the person to develop an insatiable need for attention (negative or otherwise) and self-destructive tendencies.

These people carry with them a great deal of emotional pain. Pain they have been carrying since their earliest years and they are more than happy to dump this pain onto others… even loved ones. Especially loved ones. Those who are closest to these people are usually easy targets as they are the most vulnerable.

It’s sad because these disordered people are also statistically at greater risk for victimization. Most of these people have a history of abuse that goes back to their early childhood. It then becomes a challenge to sort the lies from the truth. Not only for the people around them, but the disordered people themselves.

I hope your uncle can recover from this betrayal of trust. He sounds like a caring man. He deserved better.

So do women lie about rape? I think the better question is- what kind of woman would lie about rape? I doubt any emotionally healthy woman would ever lie about rape. The stigma incurred far outweighs any possible benefit. But these women have not suffered life-long trauma. They don’t have a long history of crying wolf. They don’t have a desperate need for attention. However, about 3-5% of women do fit this profile. (Coincidentally, this about the same percentage of rape allegations that are found to be untrue.)

If you’ve been reading this blog, you know what kind of woman would lie about rape. You’re already familiar with the evils of untreated BPD and other trauma-related disorders. You’ve witnessed the mind games that borderlines play. You’ve witnessed such people taking great efforts to re-write the truth, to justify their horrid behavior.

Why would a disordered woman lie about rape? There are a myriad of reasons. As the commenter above mentioned, some do it for power and control. Some lie to transfer pain, to stay in denial, to avoid persecution, to avoid shame, etc. They lie to avoid PAIN. Pain that most can only imagine. The kind of pain that these people will do anything to avoid, including destroying another person’s life.

False accusations are pretty common with people in this much pain. Accusations that include accusations of rape, but are not limited to rape. Accusations of infidelity and abuse. Accusations that you’re crazy, not them. Accusations are the primary line of defense for the emotionally troubled. Rarely, are these accusations based on truth or at least the whole truth. If anything, they are projections of their own guilt.

Realize that most of these rape allegations are made by young women. Coincidentally, this is about the same time when lifelong issues turn into full-blown personality disorders. If you think it is normal for teens to act out (behave badly), imagine what is possible when a teen has been exposed to abuse and alcoholism their whole life. If you were to track their history, you would probably find repeated patterns of acting out followed by elaborate efforts to cover up their acts of indiscretion.

Remember these are people who have spent their whole lives convincing others that they are ok. Lies and manipulations have become a survival skill for the emotionally damaged. These are the best actors in the world. They can lie without even breaking a sweat.

False memories and triggered memories are also very common with trauma survivors. And until recently, recovered memories were also common. Fortunately, guidelines have been set up to prevent bad therapists from coaxing memories of events that never happened. All this can complicate the search for the truth.

In some cases, the liar doesn’t even know what the truth is. Or if they do, they have convinced themselves that they are telling the truth. If the borderline is in a dissociative state, it can block the ability to properly store memories. Evidence has shown that borderlines have distorted perceptions when it comes to interpersonal events.

Then, on top of that, you add alcohol and substance abuse. All of which are very familiar to trauma survivors. Black outs and dissociation not only make them easy targets, it makes it hard for them to remember what they did the night before. It makes it hard for others to take their claims seriously. If a person passes out in the middle of sex, can they still call it rape? Some do. When personality disorders are mixed with alcohol it presents questionable circumstances.

Does this mean that all lifelong trauma survivors lie about their rape? No. But the possibility is always there. The only thing we can be certain of is the uncertainty of such claims. The tragic irony is that the possibility of this person being raped is as great as the possibility of that same person lying about rape. It’s a frightening possibility either way.