This controversial question asked on Tumblr:

Should you be in a relationship if you’re massively fucked up? If you’re broken?

meloukhia:

The idea that people cannot find (do not deserve) love, particularly true or perfect love, if they are ‘broken’ or ‘damaged’ is in fact quite common in this society. Many people happily parrot this idea along with self-helpy jargon like needing to love yourself before you seek love. Which is a reminder to broken people, to people who may hate themselves for whatever reason, that they don’t deserve love (we don’t deserve so many things…to live, to speak, to have opinions…).

It is also particularly common to claim that people with mental illness, some diagnoses in particular, are inherently bad and dangerous and harmful and shouldn’t be in relationships/don’t deserve love because they will just hurt people. People have told me to my face at feminist conferences that people with my diagnoses are damaging and dangerous and shouldn’t be allowed to have relationships. Human connections.

The idea of denying love to any human being repulses me. The idea of proudly crowing that you feel some human beings don’t deserve love, or friendship, can never find these things, because they are ‘sick’…it’s not particularly new or revolutionary.

Hi C  wrote:

I completely disagree.

Not about the idea that people who have mental illnesses don’t deserve to find love, or that they are inherently bad.

But about the idea that you shouldn’t work on yourself before entering a relationship. I don’t think that’s an ableist idea. I think those who call that an ableist idea are making a mockery of sick people who are actually making an effort to “work on themselves”, and who are at the same time are working themselves to the bone, trying to take care of the people who love them and who they love.

Its not about you anymore when you join with someone else. That’s what’s at the heart of it when people say “you have to work on yourself before you enter a relationship”. You become semi-responsible for that other person’s health and wellness. You can’t burden them like that, because its just not fair to that other person.

Relationships aren’t about completing each other, or finding that special person who you can dump all your shit onto and have it be okay. That’s not fair, and that’s co-dependency to the hilt. That’s also breeding grounds for an abusive relationship. Relationships are two individuals coming together and loving each other and leaning on each other to an extent. If you can’t respect another person’s boundaries, maybe you shouldn’t be in a relationship.

Doesn’t matter what you have, what you are; doesn’t give anyone the right to throw all of their shit onto another person and expect them to hold themselves and you up completely — because that’s just the way you are, and you can’t help it. No. Absolutely not.

One does not lose all semblance of personal responsibility just because you have emotional illnesses.

Love, especially romantic love, isn’t something anyone deserves. That kind of connection with another human being is something you earn.

There’s a difference between accepting your diagnosis and understanding that you might never become “like others”, and not harming other people. And yeah, I define being in a relationship before you’re ready to be in a relationship that way.

I’m sorry if reading this hurts anyone. I just… I don’t know what else to say. That post hit me so hard with its wrongness. My feelings on this are entirely bound up in my (very negative) relationships with mentally ill people and my own experience being a mentally ill person in a relationship in which I put far too much of my own shit onto said boyfriend. If I could take back all of it, I would. The guilt keeps me up at night. The only way I’ve gotten this far into recovery is the thought that I’m going to make amends and never again be so disrespectful of the people I love.

allyourlovearebelongtome wrote:

I agree completely. I’m a depressive and have struggled with severe depression in the past. I’ve also been in relationships (all kinds) with mentally ill people. And guess what? It fucking hurts to hold yourself and another person up. You have to recognize when you’re a danger to others’ wellbeing. Love is not a commodity; everyone deserves a specific kind of love. But not everyone deserves a partner. Relationships with some types of mentally ill people can very easily become mentally/emotionally abusive. You don’t have to stick around for that out of guilt.

If you’re a regular reader of this blog, you know my views on this topic. But I’m gonna chew on this for a bit before I post my comments down below. In the meantime- What do you think?

If you want to know what a woman with BPD sounds like, read the following Tumblr post:

When I was 16 or so, I had a crush on a boy who was a complete douchebag. He was one of those guys who dresses up his intrinsic belief that women are inferior in a lovely Misogynist Coat of Many Colours: chivalry, slut-shaming, creepy over-protectiveness, wanting to treat girls like ‘princesses’. You know the type.

I knew he was an asshole even when I was into him, so I memorized this poem.

Does this woman sound like a princess to you? What kind of woman hates being treated like a princess? A woman who has been abused her whole life. Since borderlines often speak in code, let me translate for you.

It is possible that this guy was a douchebag. After all, BPD women have a thing for douchebags, bad boys, Judases, etc. But the douchebags I know don’t waste their time with chivalry/wanting to treat girls like princesses. The bad boys I know get girls drunk, have sex with them and then “accidentally” lose their number.

They don’t open doors for women or treat them with respect.  They sleep with your best friend. The bad boy doesn’t know how to treat a woman like a princess because he too came from an abusive family. Bad Boys treat women like they are objects, not princesses . But for someone with low-self esteem and a history of abuse, this is an aphrodisiac.

In other words, her story does not quite ring true. But then again BPs are also known for spinning stories. They are known for creating their own distorted reality. The truth is a relationship with a douchebag usually never progresses further than casual sex. And if it does progress, he’s too busy getting drunk and cheating on her to engage in acts of chivalry. There is no place for love poems or school girl crushes. No, this sounds like a guy who she actually had feelings for.

BP women are sexually attracted to bad boys because it mimics their past (most likely sexual abuse). These relationships are effortless and carefree because they are entirely superficial. A borderline woman wouldn’t care enough about douchebag to label him a douchebag. These relationships are devoid of deep emotions. She might chase after him as he sneaks out the back door. But this is a knee-jerk reaction that has nothing to do with love. Real douchebags leave before the BP has time to devalue him.

Ah but when they meet a Prince, that’s a different story. This kind of relationship is a much more dangerous proposition for someone who fears intimacy. All of a sudden, more is at stake. If this person were to leave, she might feel rejected, maybe even abandoned. When a person like this leaves, feelings are hurt. For an overly-sensitive borderline this means unimaginable pain. The kind that makes you lash out at a person who you once loved with all your might. You might even label this person a “misogynist” or a “douchebag” just to ease the pain. This is called devaluation.

But devaluation is always proceeded by idealization. If this boy was playing the knight in shining armor, then someone must have been playing the damsel in distress. It takes two to tango. If he was over-protective it was most likely because she was constantly putting herself in peril. This is the beginnings of a classic co-dependent relationship a la BPD. The typical asshole/douchebag does not have time for this nonsense/drama. He’s in and he’s out.

No, the person who is duped by this co-dependent act is usually Mr. Nice Guy.  The guy who’s in it for the long haul. The guy who foolishly believes true love can conquer dysfunctional behavior. But Mr. Nice Guy’s is also sensitive. He has to be to understand the borderline’s pain. Only he can see her beauty behind the stone walls she puts up.

Suddenly the princess falls in love. Suddenly she feels things she has never felt before. This causes a borderline to freak out. She will either push him away or try to pull him in. She might put herself in more peril to call her Prince into action, to make sure he doesn’t abandon her. But this doubles as self-sabotage. Because now the Prince is wondering why this Princess is always in trouble. She is quite literally a trouble maker.

Even for the most dedicated Prince this can be too much. Doubt creeps into his mind. A borderline princess can sense when a lover is distancing himself. Suddenly, the Princess’ worst nightmare has come true. She fears abandonment, so she reacts by putting up the stone walls again. She might even throw stones at him to scare him off. Yes, borderlines will break your heart before you have a chance to break theirs.

So what version of the story sounds more accurate? Which version sounds like fiction? And which one sounds like fact? You be the judge. It’s hard to tell who the real douchebag is when you’re dealing with a silent abuser who uses false accusations as a weapon. But all you have to do is look at a person’s track record. Who has a history of manipulating people and the truth? We’re talking about people who can’t deal with the way the world really is so they revise it to their liking. This is someone who has been severely traumatized. To them, fairy-tales are comforting and the truth is painful.

answers this very important question:

Question: I Have BPD. Does This Mean My Kids Will Get BPD Too?

I have been diagnosed with BPD, and now I am worried about my children. I have heard that BPD runs in families. If I have BPD, will my children get it too?

Answer:

No. If you have BPD, your kids are at greater risk of having BPD themselves. But, there is also a good chance that they will not have BPD. And, there are things you can do to reduce their risk.

There is research showing that BPD runs in families. This is likely due to a number of factors. First, some part of BPD is due to genetics; if these are your biological kids and they have inherited a certain combination of genes from you, they may be more at risk to develop BPD.

Second, the types of environments that can put children at risk of developing BPD also run in families. For example, someone who is maltreated as a child is at greater risk to develop BPD. That person is also at greater risk of having difficulty parenting. It is hard to be an effective parent when you are struggling with BPD symptoms, and it does not help if you did not have good parenting models yourself.

However, none of this means that your children will have BPD. While there is nothing you can do about genetics, if your kids live with you, there is a great deal you can do about environmental factors. And, there is evidence that environment has a very strong influence on whether or not people with the genes for BPD actually develop the disorder.

The first thing that you can do is to get treatment for yourself. People who undergo an effective treatment for BPD under the guidance of a mental health professional can improve significantly. Some people no longer meet diagnostic criteria for BPD after they finish treatment. Having less symptoms means having more resources for effective parenting.

Once you are in treatment, you can also express your concerns about your children to your care provider, and ask them for help. Your provider can help you to evaluate your home environment and whether your symptoms could be affecting your parenting skills. They may even be able to refer you to programs that help people build skills to be more effective parents. People with BPD can be very effective and nurturing parents, but because the symptoms of BPD can be very intense, for many it does take some work.

The good doctor is playing it positive, but I still have my concerns. Children are fragile. Children of borderlines even more so. If adults can be harmed by a borderline’s abusive behavior, a child is certainly at risk. Any child of a borderline will tell you horror stories.

My initial concern is that untreated borderlines would use having a baby as a quick fix for life’s problems. Much like an insecure borderline would rush into marriage hoping to soothe fears of abandonment. To most of us that would seem outrageous. But to someone who is constantly looking to fill the void within, having a baby seems like an easy solution to a nagging problem. But the added pressure can only exacerbate BPD conditions. Even more alarming is another life will be affected by an untreated borderline’s erratic behavior and severe mood swings. And then the cycle continues.

OK all you angry activists out there. If you wanna go apeshit about something. THIS is it. Wanna know why the global economy is in the shitter? Wanna know where your tax money is going? Wanna know where politicians (both Republicans and Democrats) are getting their campaign funding from? This is it. The biggest threat to the US is not terrorism or China, it’s companies like Goldman Sachs. Wake up people.

Garland Grey has recently reached meltdown capacity. This is all part of the emotional circus that we know as Tiger Beatdown. Not that you would care, but it seems there has been a little dissension amongst the Tiger Beat ranks and it has sent their beloved co-conspirator into a tailspin. Here is Garland engaging in what he, himself, calls “butt hurt” whining:

… I haven’t been able to write anything of length without floundering around in a kiddie pool of self-doubt and anger. It seems that when you try to turn a person into a symbol of institutional oppression in order to erase them, it destabilizes that person’s identity. While everyone else has gone back to their lives, I am filled with rage and pain that I can’t afford to do anything but swallow. I wish I could find some way of climbing on top of this, of finding some logic or justice in it, but I’m still feeling bitter and betrayed.

The only thing keeping me on Tumblr at this point is molten spite. I am still here. I am still writing. And even though I am swimming through shit right now, you still weren’t smart, strong, or fast enough to beat me.

Garland Motherfucking Grey
Revenge Blogging the Meltdown

Fortunately, Shady O’Doyle was there to pick up the mess. It seems the tagteam duo takes turns being overly dramatic. Here is Shady’s long-winded response. You might want to skim, because this woman lacks some serious self-editing skills:

Dear Garland,

This is Sady. And I like you! My faith in you, which has been huge and bright like a burning star ever since I first read your blog, has only increased. And the fact is, I could be sending you this via e-mail. BUT I’M NOT, because I wish to express publicly all my support of you.

Here is the thing. I, too, have been feeling bummers lately! Just assorted bummers, really, not always Internet-related ones, and sometimes not the Internet-related ones you would think. And I have had to come to terms with the following factoids:

1) When you are public, and as you grow more public, reactions to you become increasingly intense, and very polarized. You will hear “YOU SAVED MY LIFE” or “I LOVE YOU” a lot. And you will also hear “FUCK YOU” and “I WANT TO PUNCH YOU IN THE FACE” a lot. The people with moderate reactions are not the ones giving the feedback, generally. Because their reactions are too moderate to inspire them to say something to a stranger.

2) It is undeniably hard to form a coherent, stable idea of yourself as a person, when you are getting these huge and polarized reactions. When you’re hearing that you’re a hero and a star and a life-saving genius, and also hearing that you’re disgusting and stupid and should be physically harmed, well, you have to wonder: Who the hell are you? Who is correct here? Are you truly worth hate? Are you truly worth love? Are you a hero? Are you a monster? Because here you are, seeing all of this, and it’s all so intense and so contradictory, but it’s all aimed at the same target. Which is you. After a while, you start to feel very lost and confused. And then, SURPRISE, you are a writer, and your job is to show up and tell everyone what you think! And it’s very hard to know what you think, if you don’t even know who’s doing the thinking, or how to feel about that person!

2a) This is especially hard if you are the sort of person — and I know I am; I think you are too, because in my experience you are very kind and caring, and kind and caring people tend to have this problem — who bases a large part of his self-understanding on how people react to him. If their reactions are good, you’re good. If their reactions are bad, you’re bad. If they want to hang out with you, then you’re worth hanging out with, and you deserve to feel good about yourself; if they don’t, there’s something wrong with you, and you deserve to be ashamed. Am I right?

3) And here’s where the hard part comes in. At the end of the day, that doesn’t work. Sometimes we can’t get the support we need from the people we need. Sometimes that’s not our fault. Sometimes there’s nothing you can do to make someone like you, or come through for you, or treat you the way that you want to be treated. Sometimes, you DO win over the people you want to win over, and then LATER you piss them off and lose their support, and often this happens without people even telling you about it, and that just DOUBLE SUCKS. Losing people, or losing the idea that you are supported by people — it’s a rough one. There wouldn’t be so many songs about it if that weren’t true. And it destroys your self-worth to the extent that your self-worth is based on how people react to you. And so you can’t base your self-worth on that. Because it will destroy you. And because you are, in this life, pretty much responsible for two things, which are (a) helping people when you can, as best you can, and (b) making sure you don’t get destroyed.

3a) Other people, as much as we’d like to believe differently, are NOT responsible for making sure you don’t get destroyed. When it comes to the matter of you, they have less responsibility than you do. Less of an ethical obligation. This is especially true when they are strangers on the Internet.

4) And this is where it gets really complicated. We all live in public now, we’re having this conversation on Tumblr for fucks’ sakes, but we still live in a culture that promotes “being public” as something that is good and desirable in and of itself. We are trained to think of “fame” or “being known” as universally positive, unless you are in the headlines for being a serial killer or whatever. I just don’t think this is true, for any number of reasons, and I think it is harmful and a fucked-up thing within our culture, because it promotes dehumanization of the “public,” “known” people who are “not like the rest of us,” and dehumanization of the “unknown” people who are implicitly “not as good” or “not worth as much.” But as you become increasingly public, and you start to deal with the increasing number of reactions toward you, it is very hard for people to understand what you’re talking about sometimes, or to empathize. Because it seems like you got this big positive thing everyone is supposed to want, and now you’re ungrateful. And fuck you for being ungrateful!

4a) Except you’re not ungrateful. You’re just dealing with a very different set of experiences, which can be positive or negative, painful or happy, like any other set of human experiences. Except that yours are now kind of weird.

5) But here’s the thing. It is lonely, ultimately, dealing with everyone’s reactions. It is strange. It will confuse you and mess with your head and hurt you deeply, and you will have trouble finding people to even talk to about it, sometimes. Which is why, in the long run, it comes down to you. You are the only person who can decide who you are. You are the only authority on the worth of your actions. Yes, obviously, part of what you do is to entertain people or educate them or whatever. But ultimately, only you can really serve as an authority on your moral standing, the worth of your work, or the merits of your actions. Because when you have fifteen different VERY STRONG reactions to everything you do, you really need a guiding voice, someone who is The Authority and Gets It and Knows What’s Right. And that person always has to be you. Because there are a LOT OF PEOPLE who will sign up for that job, the Authority On Your Worth job, but ultimately, you are the only one who can sign up for it permanently and commit to it in the long term.

So this is what I’m saying, Garland. Ultimately, after all these many long paragraphs, I like you, and I support you, and I love everything you write. But at the end of the day, you just have to sit there, and look at who you are, and look at what you’ve written, and ask yourself if you really, genuinely do enjoy reading the piece of work you’ve just created, if you really, genuinely do believe in the merits of your actions. Sometimes you won’t like it, and sometimes you will. But listen to that voice. Because it’s the only one you will ever be able to really trust. And it has your best interests at heart.

S.

Oy, the drama and the exposition. It’s like watching Jersey Shore with commentary from Snooki. Funny how Shady comforting Garland sounds a lot like Shady explaining why people hate her. This is not an act of compassion, this is a narcissist providing more justification for pissing people off. This is Shady soothing Shady between Gin Gimlets. There is no fight for social justice, just two whiney brats stroking each other’s fragile egos.

What’s scary is that naive and immature people like my borderline ex look to these two assclowns for guidance. They all adamantly deny they have BPD, but yet all of them consistently demonstrate behavior that bears a striking resemblance to borderline behavior. How do you explain this?

I am willing to bet this is not the first time Garland has experienced depression. Extreme emotionality seems to be his calling card. I’m willing to bet it’s been a lifelong struggle. If I recall correctly, there was talk about Garland leaving tumblrdom to get his life back on track. But that hiatus lasted for a day. You see, what attracted Shady and Garland to Tumblr Activism was not the fight for Social Justice. They were attracted to the drama of catfights. These are people who grew up in an abusive environment. Without the scratching and clawing, there is no purpose in life.

But like any drug, drama has it’s downside. The high of drama is followed by the hangover that is depression. Why would Garland get his life back on track, when he can get his daily fix of chaos? When he has Tumblr enablers calling him back with their sweet siren song. Want to know why borderlines never get better? Read the bullshit that comes out of these two. This is the type of rationalization that goes on in the head of a borderline in denial.

Oh what a tangled web they weave. They just don’t get it. They don’t get that THEY are the source of their drama. A drama that they thirst for like a vampire thirsts for blood. These are not activists. They are dramatists. They are not survivors. They are damaged souls in desperate need of the attention they never got as a child.  They are crying out for help, but nobody will listen. Not even themselves.

Kudos to TigerBeatdown for finally getting down to the business of mental illness. This came as a relief, especially after one young feminist wrote to me claiming feminists have better things to talk about than Borderline Personality Disorder. Really? They have time to talk about AIDS, breast cancer and abortion, but they don’t have time to talk about mental illness? Women are 3 times more likely to be diagnosed with BPD. It’s about time that feminists start talking about it.

So what prompted SE Smith to write such an article? Gun control. It seems the author feels that the mentally ill have been unfairly targeted by anti-gun legislation. Smith suggests the mentally ill have reasons to own a gun. Uh… really?

Smith claims that mental illness had nothing to do with the shooting spree in Arizona:

We could also talk about the false correlation between mental illness and violence, gun violence in particular, that dominated headlines this year after the assassination attempt on Gabrielle Giffords.

Now hold on for a sec. It’s one thing to say that not all mentally ill people will snap and go on a shooting spree. That I can agree with. But it’s quite another thing to say there is zero correlation between shooting sprees and mental illness. There’s a good chance the shooters at Ft. Hood, Columbine and Arizona all had mental issues. To say there is no correlation is a pretty ignorant thing to say.

Smith clearly has a personal bias here, one that has affected her ability to see clearly:

As a person with a history of mental illness who owns guns, as a person who has lost friends to suicide by gun, this is a story that hit me much like a punch in the gut.

Should we be scared? Owning a gun means that much to you? To be fair I’m biased myself. I don’t really see why people get so worked up about owning a gun. If you love guns so much, join the army or law enforcement. I’ll even buy that some people like to hunt for food. But we don’t live in Frontier Land anymore. And I question why people need guns in modern day society. Gun laws should be discriminatory. And by all means, let’s start with the mentally ill.

I get that Smith feels unfairly targeted (no pun intended), but this is a matter of public safety. This society makes all sorts of allowances for people with mental disabilities. Owning a gun doesn’t have to be one of them. I argue that you can still live a rich life without pulling a trigger to a gun. Common sense dictates that guns and crazy people don’t mix.

That being said, I don’t believe in prohibition. It doesn’t work. If people want guns, they’ll find a way to get them. Especially, crazy people. But I think what Smith is upset about is not so much the prohibition of guns, but the discrimination that is laid upon people with mental disabilities. This becomes clear when the article segues into the argument that mentally ill people are not the enemy but in fact the victims. (where have we heard that before?) Smith notes a fact that I have written about in many posts:

Yet, people with mental illness actually are victims of violent crime at a rate 11 times higher than that of the general population.

Although,when I said it, people accused me of shaming survivors, being an ableist and apologizing for predators. Little did these accusers know that what I was stating was indeed a FACT. And the fact is people who have been victimized early in their lives are targeted by predators again and again. But there I go again, beating a dead horse.

Smith goes on to suggest there are diagnostic disparities:

what is post traumatic stress disorder in a man is borderline personality disorder in a woman

Ah yes, Feminist Theory 101 sneaks back in one more time. What Smith claims here is factually incorrect. Men are also diagnosed with BPD. Not with as much frequency as women. But to say that one is associated with males and the other with females is false. PTSD is not even the same as BPD, although they do tend to be comorbid. PTSD is common with those who suffer from BPD, but it is not an absolute pre-requisite for BPD. PTSD does not equal BPD. They are not interchangeable.  Regardless of this fact, I don’t know if one diagnosis is better than the other. Smith’s argument is that this disparity has led to the stigmatization of mentally ill women alone. But I would argue that the stigma for mentally ill men is much much worse and much more publicized than that of their female counterparts.

Mentally ill men include the likes of Ted Bundy, John Hinckley and Jack the Ripper. Males are more likely than females to commit a violent crime.  If a woman is violent, that violence is usually directed at themselves. But that doesn’t mean a woman can’t be emotionally abusive or violent towards others.

The fact is abuse by borderline women often goes unnoticed, undiagnosed and untreated. Victims of borderline partners or mothers are scoffed at, when they talk about their abuse. Mostly because we have this pre-conception that abuse must be physically violent to be legitimate. Psychological abuse is deemed to be lower on the hierarchy of abuse. Even by so-called anti-abuse advocates.

The stigma for the mentally ill (male or female) is sometimes justified. When a mentally ill person snaps and lashes out at you, you can understand why they are treated with extreme prejudice. There’s a reason why therapists shy away from treating borderline women and men. It’s not because of their gender. It’s because people with BPD have a documented history of abusive and manipulative behavior. It’s because partners and children of borderlines are left traumatized for the rest of their lives. This is not a vast conspiracy against the mentally ill. This is a legitimate basis for fear of the mentally ill.

Smith does redeem herself with this closing statement:

If you want to prevent suicide, start by providing mental health services to all members of the population for free or at low cost, and without stigma. Focus on outreach to women with symptoms of mental illness who  have been told to ‘suck it up’ and ‘deal with it,’ who are told that they’re simply being overemotional and irrational. And start combating the unacceptably high rates of sexual assault, abuse, and violence against people with mental illness.

Ah finally, something I can get behind. We do need to encourage the mentally ill to seek help.  Last month, I made the same argument. But clearly the message is easier to swallow when it comes from one of their own. Which is fine. I don’t need to get credit.

We should make these services more accessible. But the sad fact is even if you did make mental health services more affordable,  many of these people would still avoid treatment. Denial is a huge part of disorders like BPD. Chances are they will continue being over-emotional and irrational. Statistics prove they will continue to be victimized and re-victimized.

All the more reason for these people to get treated. When mentally ill people no longer abuse their partners, their children or other members of society THAT will make things easier for people who have been unfairly judged because of their disabilities. Then and only then will the stigma subside.

But this requires building awareness and talking about mental illness. It requires all of us to snap out of our collective denial. Stop looking the other way and giving free passes for those who have been victimized. It requires friends and family to intervene. It requires those with such disorders to start being honest with themselves and seek the treatment they need.

This is not just a feminist issue or disabilities issue. This is a common sense issue.

Just when we thought bigotry and “demonizing the other” had gone out of style, fiscal conservatives (aka money grubbers) have brought it back one more time. Unfortunately, they are appealing to the lowest common denominator- Using mantras like “Let’s take our country back!” and “Secure our borders!”

Who are these people who have supposedly taken our country away from us? Do they look like these people…

Or maybe they look like these people

This racist commercial was paid for by a secret society known as Citizens Against Government Waste. The name would make it seem like this is an org run by ordinary joes like you and me. Well, it turns out they are not so ordinary. It turns out their funding comes from some pretty big Wall Street names. Perhaps you’ve heard of some of them?:

Philip Morris kills millions of citizens a year and now they want us to believe they have our best interest at heart? Really?

Long-time friend of Wall Street, Donald Trump has decided it’s his patriotic duty to run for President. Because he thinks Obama isn’t American enough.

He also thinks China is “eating our lunch”.

He’s upset because he has to buy all his windows from China. Is he a nationalist? Or is he just another Narcissistic Opportunist on the prowl. Another attention-whore seeking media fame at the expense of others. The Donald wants us to believe his allegiance lies with the American people. But I’m thinking his allegiance lies with Donald Trump. But where would I get a silly idea like that?

I wonder if China is eating his steaks too?

His lovely daughter is getting in on the act as well. Here she is crying about how Obama has unfairly treated her daddy’s Wall Street buddies.

Poor Wall Street Power Brokers. They never get a break. Except when we bail them out with trillions of tax-payer dollars. A trillion dollars could buy a lot of lunches. I thought they were against Government Waste? What gives?

These Wall Street Players are right though- The American Way of Life is being threatened. The middle class is disappearing. And American values like Freedom of Religion and American notions like “All Men are Create Equal” are being erased from our collective consciousness.

It seems xenophobia is a good way to distract voters from who the real enemies are. While it is easy to believe that foreigners are invading our small towns and eating our lunch. The fact is our worst enemies might be the ones who call themselves Americans.

Just remember- slick ads cost lots and lots of money. There are only a few people in America who have that kind of money. About 1% of the population. But xenophobia has a much steeper price than what these Fat Cats paid, when you consider that these Hatemongers are eroding National Unity and American Values. Pitting Americans against Americans, to take the focus off the Corporate Looting of America.

Feminist vs Feminist

March 5, 2011

I love it when ignorant “feminists” are put in their place by other feminists. Mostly, because when I do it, they turn around and accuse me of misogyny. (eyes rolling) But when another feminist puts the smackdown on their own, these master manipulators are unable to use their false accusations, gross generalizations and demonization tactics. Suddenly, their smoke and mirror tricks are rendered useless in the face of rational thought. I’d like to share with you one of these magical moments.

MissLexington wrote:

So a lot of you have probably seen this tool already if you follow Sady Doyle on Tumblr, but I think he could use a good dose of Lesbian Shitass rage. Basically, this guy’s blog is a burn book dedicated to his ex who he has armchair diagnosed as having Borderline Personality Disorder. This guy is a misogynist, ableist jerk. Be forewarned: this guy is a rape apologist, has some pretty awful things to say about mental illness/Borderline Personality Disorder, and he also censors comments to his blog. If you’re triggered by any of those things, I would steer clear. Otherwise, if you want a rage blackout on Monday, enjoy!

Did this whackjob just accuse me of being an ableist? Let’s clear this up- I have nothing against feminists. I have nothing against people with disorders. I have nothing against people who have been traumatized. But if you use any of these things as an excuse to be abusive, I will take you down. I will hold you accountable. Don’t feign moral indignation. Don’t start crying to your dysfunctional internet buddies. If you’re an abusive asshole be forewarned: you will get what’s coming to you.

Miss Lex is looking for a fight. She is filled with a lifetime’s worth of rage. I have triggered her fears of rejection and memories of abusive boyfriends. But this is a case of mistaken identity. I am not the man who abused her. But she is looking for a toxic waste dump. She needs to justify her “shitass” rage, so she demonizes me to create false sense of righteousness. She groups me with all the men who have abused her, because that’s what abused/abusive people do. Fortunately, Flaky (a feminist, a therapist and a survivor of a BPD relationship) straightened her out for me:

So I’ve actually read through a lot of the blog and none of the comments and I somewhat disagree with you here. Yes, this guy is a jilted bitter ex, but a lot of what he writes is spot on. Whether you call it BPD or Complex PTSD (the term most progressive mental health practitioners, including myself, prefer) many of the behaviours he describes are sadly, very typical. For example, many end up being revictimized repeatedly because of poor boundaries, self-medicating and problematic “friends”. This isn’t an indictment or blaming, it is simply fact. As abuse is often the cause/catalyst for CPTSD it is also something that perpetuates makes further abuse more likely. Similar to people who are in one abusive relationship after another. Again, this is not blaming the survivor/victim or excusing the abuser, the rapist is still 100% culpable, but in order to recover one needs to question, examine and change that behaviour. On a personal note, I dated someone with BPD. No arm-chairing here (Though I am, incidentally, a therapist), he was full on diagnosed and being treated BPD. I’m the last person to hold mental illness against someone, but I’ll be honest, it was incredibly hard to be with him and not view him as a batshit crazy asshole. It’s a year later and I still have a very difficult time reconciling my feelings about him. He was totally emotionally abusive and manipulative and brought out all sorts of crazy in me. I tried to stay by him because I understood that his behaviour was in a big part due to his illness. It still made my life hard and fucked with my emotions hard core. So I kinda get where this guy is coming from.

Looks like Miss Lex has just been schooled. Her hopes and dreams have been crushed. She was hoping to characterize me as an abusive ex. She was hoping that I had concocted this elaborate scheme to frame my ex. She like so many of her kind wanted to believe I made this stuff up. She wanted so badly to believe that my claims of abuse were illegitimate. But she was so caught up in her rage, she failed to consider that there may be other victims of BPD out there. Many of these victims are women. Some are feminists just like her. By falsely accusing me of lying she basically dismissed their suffering. Doh.

If I may offer a post-game analysis from my armchair, it would seem to me that Miss Lex has just been served a big glass of STFU. This is what happens when you’re an angry emo girl who types without knowing a thing about what you’re talking about. I don’t know what happened to Lex, but clearly it has left her mentally disabled. (oops, there goes my ableism again) Here she is foaming at the mouth like all her rabid kind, trying to act all bad-ass and self-righteous. Then Flaky walks in and bitch-slaps Miss Lex with a whole lotta knowledge. And suddenly a miracle happens: Miss Lex is rendered speechless.

With tail tucked between her legs, Miss Lex apologized for her crazy talk and offered her sympathy to Flaky. She apologized for being insensitive. Clearly, Miss Lex was embarrassed as demonstrated by her back-peddling. Funny, how she didn’t offer the same sympathy to me. Flaky calls her ex a batshit crazy asshole and fauxminists like Lex cry at her feet. I call my ex a crazy bitch and suddenly I’m a “tool” and a “douchebag”.

I’m sorry but didn’t Flaky basically confirm everything I was attacked for? I’ve been writing about poor boundaries, self-medicating and problematic “friends” for quite some time now.  But when I said it, I was labeled a misogynist and a jerk. Oh that’s right… I’m an evil and able man. I see how this works. It seems feminists like Miss Lex think “burning” an ex is ok as long as the ex is a man. This is known in feminist circles as gender bias.

Miss Lex is proof that a little bit of knowledge is a dangerous thing. You see, Miss Lex once took a feminist theory class, and now she thinks she knows everything. But most of the time she is talking out of her ass. Regurgitating what other feminist sheep have told her. She read the phrase “rape apologist” in a book one time and it changed her life. Now she no longer has to be responsible for her hostile behavior. She doesn’t have to bother using reason or logic, because she can just utter the words “rape apologist” and all the evil men will be neutralized.

The problem with silly little girls like Miss Lex is that they lack life experience, but yet they think they know everything there is to know about life.  Their life is a mess, but yet they think they can save the world. They act like spoiled brats and yet they think they stand on higher moral ground. Yes, they read a lot of books, but only books that support their dysfunctional behavior. Notice how ignorant Miss Lex is about PDs and PTSD. A crazy bitch like her could use that kind of self-awareness. But hey, who needs facts, when you’ve got chutzpah?!

What puzzles me is that here we have an exchange between a person who claims to be a therapist and a young woman who is clearly emotionally unstable. At no time, does the therapist (Flaky) make a comment about MissLex’s uncontrolled rage. Yes, she does correct her but only to establish the legitimacy of BPD victimhood (that is her own victimhood).

Furthermore, Flaky the therapist says she has a history of dating crazy men. I suppose that kind of makes me feel better, knowing that even a therapist can not resist the charms of a crazy lover. Dysfunctional patterns are hard to break even for someone well-versed in human psychology. But as much as I’d like to present Flaky as the superior feminist, I have to question her judgment. Did it not occur to her that Miss Lex shares a lot of the same qualities as her borderline ex? (black and white thinking, impulsivity, vindictive rage) Or is there some sort of gender force-field that prevents feminists from finding fault with their unhinged sisters?

Flaky, you accuse me of being an ass. But how would you react if a 100 nutjobs showed up at your home chanting non-stop insults and death threats? And then left without apologizing. How do you expect me to take these clowns seriously? How is one suppose to react to hostility? with hugs and kisses? Clearly they were looking for a rise. This is how people behave when they are addicted to chaos. You as a therapist should know that. I just gave them what they wanted. Why not chastise Lex and her team of rageoholics? Certainly, you are qualified to make such evaluations. I guess therapists can be biased too.

I’m not a therapist, so I don’t have to treat disordered people with the same reverence that you do. I can call people like Shady and Lex “crazy bitches” because I feel that accurately describes the way they behave. I’m not under professional obligation to play nicey nicey. If my hands are dirty, it’s because I’ve been dealing with dirty swine.

But at the end of all this conflict, even putzes like Miss Lex have learned a little something about themselves and the world around them. Even our Lancashire Troll has developed some self-awareness and a change of heart. And Shady and Co have softened their voices for their viewing public. While these are superficial changes, it’s a start.

So maybe… just maybe, I’m not as bad as you think I am.

Yes, it’s true. I am jilted and bitter. I am “burning” my borderline ex for all to see, because she has tried to hide her misdeeds and runaway from her past. She has spread lies and altered the truth. She deserves to answer for her shady behavior. The material here is based on science, facts and real life experience. Don’t take my word for it. Read up. See if you don’t find the same answers as I did. The science that is out there trumps whatever you learned in Feminist Theory 101. I know that makes some of you angry as hell, but you were probably angry before you met me.

Miss Lex says she’s bothered by my blog. I don’t doubt it. She’s angry for the same reason my ex is angry. They don’t like hearing the truth about themselves. They are desperate to shut this blog down because it reveals an unflattering side to these two-faced activists. In public, they present themselves as do-gooders, but in private they act like ill-mannered children. The uncontrolled rage and manipulative ways they have demonstrated for the last few weeks has only confirmed my observations.

Flaky, you were lucky. Your ex, as crazy as he was, had the decency to get diagnosed and seek treatment. Many like my ex remain untreated and have avoided getting properly diagnosed. They are currently living a lie. They continue to spread misery where ever they go. You have the satisfaction of your ex taking responsibility for his actions. I don’t.

I know you don’t care for my methods but I thank you for educating your fellow feminists about BPD. I thank you for legitimizing the claims of abuse by millions of ex-partners. I invite you to tell your story here.

And Miss Lex, thank you for a good laugh and the free publicity. Maybe next time you’ll do some research before you open that big mouth of yours. I think you need to focus on you, not me. Your rage is not righteous. It is misdirected and out of control.  The only person you’re fighting for is yourself. No one has the right to act like an unhinged bitch. Save yourself before you pretend to save the world.

XOXO

Ah the Old Country

March 2, 2011

I think this funny little tv commercial might have provided some insight into why my ex feels so much shame. You gotta love yia yia. She means well, but her abusive ways are passed from one generation to another. When you’re watching it on YouTube, you can laugh. But when this is what you grew up with, you develop some serious self-esteem issues.

A judgmental comment like this seems harmless and laughable. But when compounded over time, it takes its toll on a person’s well-being. It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. A person who grows up in this environment, will grow up to engage in questionable behavior and then feel tremendous shame afterwards.

Take a look at the TigerBeatdowners and you will see the sum total of this Old World shaming. You will see women with serious inferiority-complexes. Women who become victims. Victims who then become obsessed with victimhood and shame.

And while these angry fauxminists are quick to blame the Patriarchy, their shame most likely has been passed down from yia yia to mama. From mama to daughter.

Revisionist History

February 22, 2011

Every now and then I look at my stats to see where traffic is coming from, and I click on sites to see where they lead. One of my clicks lead me to this little bit of revisionist history by Shady O’Doyle:

The alarming thing, however, is that he’s already grooming another woman for this abuse. Her name is “Skye” and he’s writing things about how she’s a good abuse survivor, a good person with BPD, she’s a nice obedient enlightened girl who apologizes when she does something bad, she’s the only one he likes. She’s in a vulnerable situation, and he’s creating trust between them. So that she’ll like him enough to get closer to him.

I wonder if Skye knows that I’m grooming her for abuse. lol. I didn’t even realize I was capable of such evil. But if Shady says so, it must be true. So according to Shady’s (fuzzy) logic- if I’m nice to a woman, I must be trying to lure her into my underground dungeon. Somebody better warn Skye!!! I think Shady has watched Silence of the Lambs one too many times. Either that or what we are witnessing is the paranoia and misandry that sometimes comes with being an untreated survivor of an abusive father. Or we are witnessing a desperate woman. A woman who is so afraid of losing her following, she is willing to resort to the lowest common denominator.

Shady is upset that I demanded an apology from her. So rather than admit that she’s wrong, she slams Skye for apologizing to men she has wronged. Suggesting Skye is a weak-willed woman, who is “vulnerable” to my amazing trust-building skills. Notice how Shady positions herself (a bitchy woman who doesn’t have the courage to own up to her misdeeds) as the gold standard in womanhood. And then looks down upon someone like Skye who has the balls to take responsibility for, not only her own well-being, but the well-being of others. I think this little post of hers says more about Shady’s character than mine or Skye’s.

Skye has more courage than all of Shady and Co combined. She has been through the same abuse that Shady complains about, but look at the difference. Skye has not only accepted the fact that she has BPD, she is working hard to beat her disorder. Meanwhile a coward like Shady spends all her time attacking people she doesn’t even know in an effort to make her look the like the victim/hero and to sell more crappy t-shirts. No wonder she can only get troubled teens to follow her. What a great role model she is!

This post seems to have been written about a week ago, and things have calmed down since then. The “war”is over, but I can’t let this one slide. Cowards like Shady and my ex need to be called out for bullshit like this. They call themselves feminists but yet look down on fellow feminists. They use activism as a way to legitimize their unresolved and untreated rage. They are troubled women looking for trouble. Antagonizing people and then claiming they are being victimized by the people they antagonized.

She accuses me of manipulating a woman who is much more strong-willed than Shady will ever be. While Skye is confronting her past, Shady is living comfortably in denial. She belittles Skye, but she does it to flatter her own ego. Shady is very good at spinning a story and twisting the facts. She is a master revisionist. And her followers are gullible enough to eat it all up. Her followers are too stupid to realize Shady is exploiting them- the young, naive and emotionally damaged. They listen because she tells them what they want to hear. She tells them it’s ok to be a horrible human being as long as you’ve been victimized. If this doesn’t pull the cover off her scam, then clearly there is a sucker born every minute.

I hope you’re proud of yourself, Shady.