April 14, 2011
Let’s be fair. A man is just as capable of lying about rape as a woman. A month ago, Garland Grey accused me of being a “butt-hurt”. I would have been offended. But it was such a ridiculously childish insult, I could only laugh. Little did I know this childish insult had tragic origins. It seems Garland was trying to project his pain onto me. More is explained as Garland tells his story:
When I was dating in college, I went to a bar on the strip on a Thursday where queers hung out before the gay club was built across town, to see if I could meet someone. I met someone. I remember very little from that evening in 2002, I just remember going home with him. I do not remember what part of town he lived in, what car he drove, what his apartment looked like. I think I had been drinking, but I was underaged at the time, so I can’t imagine how I pulled that off.
All I have of this story is fucking fragments. I had never been penetrated before, and I remember thinking to myself after I got back to campus and found I was bleeding that if I had explained that to him he would have stopped. Or he might have done it a different way. But ultimately it was my fault for having consented to anal sex without knowing I could handle the pain. For years I believed this was a story about me getting into things I couldn’t handle.
And then I joined a website, and that website started talking about rape, and I made the conscious decision to take a back seat in that discussion because I had a Venn diagram in my head with Rape in one circle and Things That Have Happened To Me in another, and it was very, very important that the overlap be a null set. I felt that saying “I didn’t realize what happened to me was rape until I heard a lot of people talking about rape at once” would be too much. So I monitored to conversation, moderated the comments, and stayed out of it.
BTW this is almost identical to the story told to me by my Borderline Ex. It happened during her undergrad years as well. Sadly, this is not an uncommon story for troubled teens. I’m sure a lot of Tiger Beaters have similar stories. The college years are when teens go wild. But when someone has a family history of risky behavior and weak boundaries it is a prophecy waiting to be fulfilled.
So was this rape? Or was this just another case of an undergrad getting boozed up and ending up in a situation he couldn’t handle? He seems to recall going home with a guy he met at a gay bar. What did he think was going to happen? Was he thinking they were going to end up playing Scrabble? It’s always a fuzzy area when alcohol is involved, but this situation seems pretty clear cut.
And now because he visited a website that told him it was rape, he thinks that guy raped him. Even though he admits to consenting to sex. He was bleeding after anal sex, so it must have been rape. Right? So is Garland lying? Or is he just trying to rationalize a traumatic experience? Rather than take responsibility for his actions, he would rather entertain the idea that he was victimized… that he was raped.
Does this scare anyone? It should. Because what this says is that any one night stand could end up with the other person accusing you of rape. Pretty serious stuff. Pretty fucking scary.
I’ve only had a few one night stands in my life, but I was fortunate enough not to have any of them accuse me of rape. Lord knows, I’ve been involved with my fair share of crazy women. Any one of them could have flipped out and accused me of rape. Just for shits and giggles. Because a few of them were just fucked up enough to do something like that. Knock on wood (no pun intended), none of them did. But I was lucky.
So what now… do we need to have people sign waivers before we have sex with them? Do we require them to submit to a psych evaluation before we do the dirty deed? Does the fear of false accusations have to be added to the fear of contracting an STD?
Sex is an intense and intimate experience. Some people can’t handle it. Especially people who are hyper-sensitive and emotionally unstable. Some of these people have had really bad experiences with sex. Not as in bad sex, but as in inappropriate sex at a young age. Most people (especially in the heat of the moment) don’t think about that. The thing you should know is there are a lot of fucked up people out there. I had to learn this the hard way.
These are people who have deep-seated feelings of victimization. They have a dark dark past. And all it takes is something as intense as sex to trigger these emotions. Dark emotions that are just bubbling underneath the surface. And when you’ve had a few too many, you may not realize that the stranger you met at the bar has some serious issues going on. Until it’s too late.
When someone has been victimized their whole life, it doesn’t take much to trigger the past. Memories get foggy, thought-processes go haywire and experiences sometimes evolve into things that never happened. The human mind plays tricks on people all the time. What we think is a solid object is just a collection of sub-atomic particles. But when someone’s mind is flooded with painful memories and highly-charged emotions his/her brain becomes their worst enemy… and sometimes somebody else’s worst nightmare.
April 7, 2011
This graph just posted by Shady McDoyle. I nearly fell on the floor laughing.
With one graph she is attempting to announce how important she is AND justify acting like an unhinged bitch. Impressive. I asked her to substantiate her opinions with facts and she gives me graphs like this. (eyes rolling)
She attacks and judges people she doesn’t even know… she charges into any given situation with her big mouth and unhinged rage… she antagonizes people instead of trying to understand the situation and yet she attributes her low approval ratings to her high visibility, her fame and amazing popularity. She is even hated by fellow feminists and activists, and yet she still thinks she is fighting for social justice.
I hate to be redundant, but this bears repeating- people like Shady and my Ex fight only for themselves. They are not feminists. They are not liberals. They are not social warriors. They are narcissists. Regardless of where they lie on the political spectrum, they are no different than the Glenn Becks and Rush Limbaughs of the world. They all use the guise of activism to bolster their egos and sense of self-importance. These people don’t care about society. They don’t care about justice. They care only about themselves and how people perceive them. This is what this graph illustrates.
Contrary to what most people believe, narcissism is not born of self-love. It is actually someone compensating for self-hatred. Why do you think Limbaugh is addicted to oxcontin? Because he’s a happy well-adjusted chap? A narcissist is a person who experiences so much internal pain, they can only think of themselves. A person who has such low self-esteem, they must spend every waking minute trying to draw attention to themselves. They create delusions of grandeur to compensate for feelings of inadequacy.
It never occurs to people like Shady or my Ex that their piss-poor behavior is the reason why people hate them so much. So rather than change their behavior, they chalk it up to jealousy. People are just jealous of their fame and fabulous success. But despite these sad attempts at self-delusion, eventually the hate gets to them. Shady would not have posted this graph, unless she was feeling the pain of self-awareness. This graph is a band-aid. It’s Shady patting Shady on the head. It turns out that narcissism is just another form of denial.
Here’s what Wiki has to say about destructive narcissism:
- An unrealistic sense of superiority (“Grandiose“)
- Pursues power at all costs, lacks normal inhibitions in its pursuit
- Concerns limited to expressing socially appropriate response when convenient
- devalues and exploits others without remorse
- Lacks values; easily bored; often changes course
- Traumatic childhood undercutting true sense of self-esteem and/or learning that he/she doesn’t need to be considerate of others.
March 26, 2011
But what do you expect from an org that names itself “Tigerbeatdown”? Seriously. Abuse is in their DNA.
When orgs like TigerMeltdown recruit the angry and the irrational, the young and the naive, it can come back and bite them in the ass. As seen with their latest rounds of death threats. I suppose their heart is in the right place, but their minds… not so much. The fight for pro-choice and anti-racism is a worthy one. But this is not a fight for the emotionally unstable. Children who have been traumatized by a lifetime of abuse should spend their time in a therapist’s office, not on the frontlines of activism.
To be fair, there are extremists on both sides of the political spectrum. And when the economy goes sour, it seems to bring the worst out in everybody. But even so, such radicalism serves no purpose other than to further alienate the disenfranchised. And widen the divide between factions.
My borderline ex and I had many a heated debate over this topic. She had devoted her whole life to radical activism. But it was not out of any philanthropic impulse. It was because she was an angry teen, a rebel looking for a cause. An untreated borderline looking for a place to dump her toxic waste.
She had been victimized her whole life and now she wanted revenge. Activism made her feel empowered and morally superior. But she would not seek vengeance against the people who abused her. That would make too much sense. Instead she chose to lash out at the world around her. She was born with all the privileges afforded to a white college-educated woman in North America, and still she feels oppressed.
The truth is many activists are just like my ex. They harbor unresolved pain. So they take up the banner of the oppressed in order to legitimize their unbridled rage. They indulge in delusions of grandeur and illusions of oppression. In their minds, they are enlightened social warriors. But these troubled Don Quixotes are living a lie. Sheltered by tight-knit Tumblr communities, they have lost all perception of reality. In this virtual environment, any hope of self-awareness or trauma recovery is unlikely.
America isn’t prefect, but it’s pretty damn close. We have a long way to go as far as equality and discrimination, but I challenge you to find another place in the world that offers this much freedom and opportunity. Even for minorities. When I look at what is going on in the Middle East and North Africa, I thank Uncle Sam for providing me with what many in the world live without. But yet still the malcontents rage against the machine. We have become so privileged, we are literally looking for things to piss and moan about.
I’m all for social change, but a system has been set up where we can participate in government. Why try to burn that system to the ground? You say you don’t like the widening gap between the rich and the poor? Me neither. But this is the land of opportunity. Look at where Obama came from, and look at where he is now. He is affecting change from the inside-out. He’s making it happen by working with the system, not against it. He has changed many people’s perceptions about African-Americans without throwing a tantrum.
But when I look at these upstarts (on both sides) making bizarre accusations and sometimes death threats, I have to wonder what’s wrong with these people. These political orgs pose as advocacy groups. They bill themselves as safe-havens for the down and out. But these are not places where people get better. These places are not run by therapists. They are run by “professional” shitstarters, exploiters and opportunists.
People like Shady and Garland may have good intentions buried underneath all that teen angst, but they are doing more harm than good. Especially when they exploit the emotionally troubled for the sake of internet fame. To Garlands credit, he has admonished the unruly children for making death threats. I suppose he has moments of maturity. Most likely, he was just covering his own ass. But these kids need more than discipline from big brother, they need help.
I have spent some time scouring their blogs, looking for insight. And I see a lot of troubled souls. It is obvious that a large number of these TigerBeaters are survivors of sexual assault and emotional abuse. These so-called survivor advocates are surprisingly ignorant when it comes to their own condition. Perhaps, denial would be a better choice of words. So what is it they are advocating? Do they think political change will soothe a lifetime’s worth of psychological damage? Or do they create outward chaos to distract themselves from the chaos they feel inside?
It’s scary because these misguided souls look to Shady and Garland for guidance. It’s the blind leading the blind. These people aren’t fighting for social justice. That’s a hoax. They are fighting for the sake of fighting, conditioned and desensitized by years of abuse. They are fighting demons from their past on the political stage. But while attempting to affect social change, they have neglected their own personal change. Their trauma goes untreated. Their personality disorders unacknowledged. This is where the real injustice is happening.
Let’s leave the activism for people who are emotionally healthy. People who can put a good face onto activism. I’ve said this before, and I’ll say it again- Save yourselves, before you try to save the World.
March 23, 2011
By now most of you have probably seen this ridiculously racist rant by Alexandra Wallace. Is it possible that such behavior could be the result of BPD?
If there was one redeeming quality about my borderline ex, it was that she was decidedly not racist. Race-obsessed maybe but definitely not racist. If anything she was PC to a fault. Sometimes acting like she was morally superior to those around her, when she was anything but. She would often belittle people in order to make herself feel better about herself. She could be downright nasty with her putdowns and cattiness, when she felt like someone was a threat. She was always compensating for her inferiority-complex. Racists are basically operating under the same premise. They act like they are superior to compensate for hidden feelings of insecurity and inadequacy. Different manifestation, same impulse.
Clearly something is not right with Alexandra Wallace. It’s too easy to say she’s ignorant and backwards. What’s going on psychologically? Let’s start with her desperate cry for attention. She may look pretty and privileged on the outside. But sometimes carefully-crafted beauty belies profound self-esteem issues. Sometimes people with poor self-image compensate by wearing tons of make-up and showing ample amounts of cleavage. Sometimes you can judge a book by its cover. These are characteristics we see in people with narcissistic/histrionic tendencies all the time.
Her library experience was sooo devastating, she felt the need to broadcast it onto the internet. Very dramatic. Very self-important. She was so outraged, she felt the need to condemn an entire race of people. It was all about her and what she suffered in that brief moment. Other people’s suffering (tsunami survivors included) could not hold a candle up to hers. I (of all people) get that she needs to vent, but like a borderline she took it a few steps too far. Clearly there is some grossly misplaced and wildly disproportionate anger here.
Some of this can be attributed to age and pure stupidity. But there’s an impulsive quality here that needs to be addressed. We all get upset, but the rage that comes with BPD is sudden and seems to come out of nowhere. It is more like a knee-jerk reaction that leads to being kicked in the face. It begs the “where did that come from?” reaction. BPD behavior is not abnormal, it is hyper-normal. BPs experience all the same emotions that everyone else does. Only their emotions are much more intense and their reactions are much more severe.
The first thing that stuck out as BPD behavior was her black and white thinking. No, I don’t mean skin color. I mean the belief that people are either all good or all bad. The fact that she has made broad generalizations about an entire race of people is very black and white. There are no subtle shades of grey with untreated borderlines. Their thirst for conflict requires them to always look for a fight. To justify a war and make their rage righteous, they demonize and dehumanize the other.
Even though my ex was not racist, she would often make sweeping judgments about men. “They’re all pigs”, she would say. You can imagine how this affects the way she treats men. Even men she supposedly loves. Perhaps you can argue that as an assault survivor, she had justifications for such beliefs. But the fact was her traumatic experiences tainted the way she looked at all human beings, even ones who did not deserve such harsh judgment. When you expect the worst in people, that’s what you get. She antagonizes people and then wonders why people treat her so horribly. Racists too create these self-fulfilling prophecies.
What we often see with borderlines is a lack of accountability. It’s always someone else’s fault. What makes it worse is when people in power enable such behavior. I was appalled when a UCLA professor rushed to Ms.Wallace’s defense. And even more appalled when Ms. Magazine portrayed this blatantly racist woman as a victim. Sadly, Ms. Magazine has a history of defending women with questionable histories and borderline tendencies all in the name of feminism. But don’t get me started on how feminism has gone astray. That I’ll save for a future post. For now, I’ll just say that I’m deeply disappointed.
The point is we reap what we sow. You can’t unleash your “shitass” rage upon the world and expect the world to treat you with dignity. When you behave in a boorish manner, you can be certain you will be treated with an equal if not greater lack of civility and respect. When you react with irrational rage, you invite an irrational response. Don’t cry about it. If you start a fight, take your licks.
Did Alexandra deserve to be subjected to sexist comments and death threats? No. But when she posted her hate-filled message on YouTube, she was starting a war. Once you set the dominoes in motion, there’s no stopping the sequence of events. Escalation is inevitable.
Right or wrong, hate incurs more hate. To think otherwise is pure naivete. Sorry Ms Magazine, Alexandra Wallace’s victim card has just been revoked. Morons like her need to think before they open their big mouths. There are consequences for bad behavior, and it is often paid with interest.
But I digress, let’s get back to Alexandra’s rage. Let’s talk about emotional dysregulation. BP behavior is driven by intense emotions that override cognitive function. It makes people do stupid things, especially in the heat of the moment. While it is easy to label this YouTube racist as being dumb, it is more accurate to say that she is irrational.
If you read the blurb on the video, it mentions that she regrets her actions. It is not uncommon for the Irrational to later regret their egregious behavior. She says she doesn’t know “what came over her”. What came over her was uncontrolled rage. She was acting out. This type of behavior has become more common with the advent of social media. We’ve seen it with irrational bloggers like Shady, Garland and Lex, and now we see it with this irresponsible loudmouth.
Uncontrolled rage translates to self-destructive behavior. We’ve seen this before when 100 raging TigerBeaters stormed Savory Dish. I saw this when my ex engaged in acts of infidelity, when her last words to me were “fuck you” and when she ruthlessly cut me out of her life. She was not thinking with her brain, she was reacting to her unstable emotions. My borderline ex is an intelligent woman but she does stupid things all the time. By the time her emotions have done their damage, her intelligence works only to rationalize what she has done. This is the Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde effect that is so common with borderlines.
There is a primitive side to BPD which causes untreated borderlines to judge and treat people harshly. Studies have shown that people with BPD have higher activity in their limbic (primitive) portion of the brain. The limbic system was passed down from our prehistoric days when it was useful to group things into good or bad categories, especially good or bad people. We’ve evolved since then, but we still retain that primitive side of our nature.
When our cave-dwelling ancestors were confronted with a threat, they didn’t have time to think of an intelligent or polite response. So they reacted impulsively. It works well when you are reacting to a wooly mammoth. But not so well when you are reacting to loud people in the library. It served us well back in prehistoric times, but not so much in the era of YouTube.
So what causes someone to regress to primitive behavior? Most likely trauma. If the trauma was great enough or has taken place over a lifetime, it can arrest a person’s emotional development. It can keep the borderline in a state of fear and mistrust. Or in Ms. Wallace’s case, keep her in a state of anger and hate. The trauma evokes our most basic survival instincts. The limbic part of our brain is unsophisticated but it is designed to keep us alive. Believe it or not, intolerance and prejudice were originally designed to keep us out of harm’s way. But the prehistoric brain has difficulty adjusting to modern life. And it can be very destructive in social situations. It’s like sending a bull into a crystal store.
I’m willing to bet that Alexandra has a history of inviting chaos and drama into her life. These are rarely isolated incidents, as some UCLA administrators would like us to believe. People don’t act this way on a whim. It is usually a lifelong commitment to drama. These are patterns that are synonymous with borderline activity. I’m also willing to bet that Ms. Wallace did not have the wholesome upbringing that she claims she did. Her horrid behavior suggests otherwise. It suggests there has been a history of abuse in her life.
Most likely her YouTube rant was a result of misplaced anger. Something that you see a lot with trauma survivors. Anger can be healthy when it is directed at its original source. But with borderline types and trauma survivors, anger is rarely directed at its original source.
Most survivors were too young or powerless to confront their original abuser, so they carry unresolved anger their whole lives and unleash it on unsuspecting (undeserving) victims. Misplaced anger happens when people have repressed and unresolved pain. They look for convenient dump sites for their toxic waste.
Often, these people pick on easy targets like loved ones or, in Alexandra’s case, a visible minority. My ex had years of anger stored up from her past. But instead of pointing that anger at the people who assaulted her, she decided to use me as her emotional punching bag. Her own parents abused her trust, but yet she chose to cut me out of her life. I was a convenient scapegoat. Racists too look for scapegoats to unleash pain from their pasts. Don’t be surprised to find abuse locked away in their closet.
We can’t tell with any certainty what exactly happened to Alexandra Wallace, but there are unmistakable signs that are common with all survivors of abuse. Survivors of abuse work in strange but predictable ways.
What we have here is another teachable moment. This YouTube rant has taught us that when we let our emotions run away with us, we do things that we later regret. We hurt people who don’t deserve to be hurt. We pick fights and then wonder why the world hates us. We make ourselves look stupid and embarrass the people around us. Sadly, these behaviors can not be curbed by will power alone.
When you are this emotional unstable, will power is rendered powerless. This YouTube act was probably not this little girl’s first regrettable act. Most likely, this was the culmination of a lifetime’s worth of self-destructive acts. With people like this, it’s always a pattern of inappropriate behavior. To change such behavior requires breaking old patterns and replacing them with healthier ones. You are reprogramming dysfunctional patterns that have been hardwired into your brain. This takes years and years of dedicated effort.
Does this YouTube racist have BPD? Who knows? But clearly something is not right in her head. Whatever her malfunction is, she needs to take a serious look at herself. And address issues that she has probably ignored for her whole life. Sadly, low lifes like Alexandra Wallace are not likely to embrace change. When they are this troubled, denial is part of the problem. Yes, she has apologized and withdrawn from UCLA. But only to save her own skin. Self-preservation is always at the forefront of a borderline’s mind.
Before you feel sorry for poor Alexandra, know there is already talk about her own blog and an MTV show. Another slimey opportunist. Surprise. Surprise. Another attention-whore seeking fame at the expense of others. Another moron who thinks media fame will cure what ails her. Where have we seen this kind of wrongheaded thinking before?
February 22, 2011
Every now and then I look at my stats to see where traffic is coming from, and I click on sites to see where they lead. One of my clicks lead me to this little bit of revisionist history by Shady O’Doyle:
The alarming thing, however, is that he’s already grooming another woman for this abuse. Her name is “Skye” and he’s writing things about how she’s a good abuse survivor, a good person with BPD, she’s a nice obedient enlightened girl who apologizes when she does something bad, she’s the only one he likes. She’s in a vulnerable situation, and he’s creating trust between them. So that she’ll like him enough to get closer to him.
I wonder if Skye knows that I’m grooming her for abuse. lol. I didn’t even realize I was capable of such evil. But if Shady says so, it must be true. So according to Shady’s (fuzzy) logic- if I’m nice to a woman, I must be trying to lure her into my underground dungeon. Somebody better warn Skye!!! I think Shady has watched Silence of the Lambs one too many times. Either that or what we are witnessing is the paranoia and misandry that sometimes comes with being an untreated survivor of an abusive father. Or we are witnessing a desperate woman. A woman who is so afraid of losing her following, she is willing to resort to the lowest common denominator.
Shady is upset that I demanded an apology from her. So rather than admit that she’s wrong, she slams Skye for apologizing to men she has wronged. Suggesting Skye is a weak-willed woman, who is “vulnerable” to my amazing trust-building skills. Notice how Shady positions herself (a bitchy woman who doesn’t have the courage to own up to her misdeeds) as the gold standard in womanhood. And then looks down upon someone like Skye who has the balls to take responsibility for, not only her own well-being, but the well-being of others. I think this little post of hers says more about Shady’s character than mine or Skye’s.
Skye has more courage than all of Shady and Co combined. She has been through the same abuse that Shady complains about, but look at the difference. Skye has not only accepted the fact that she has BPD, she is working hard to beat her disorder. Meanwhile a coward like Shady spends all her time attacking people she doesn’t even know in an effort to make her look the like the victim/hero and to sell more crappy t-shirts. No wonder she can only get troubled teens to follow her. What a great role model she is!
This post seems to have been written about a week ago, and things have calmed down since then. The “war”is over, but I can’t let this one slide. Cowards like Shady and my ex need to be called out for bullshit like this. They call themselves feminists but yet look down on fellow feminists. They use activism as a way to legitimize their unresolved and untreated rage. They are troubled women looking for trouble. Antagonizing people and then claiming they are being victimized by the people they antagonized.
She accuses me of manipulating a woman who is much more strong-willed than Shady will ever be. While Skye is confronting her past, Shady is living comfortably in denial. She belittles Skye, but she does it to flatter her own ego. Shady is very good at spinning a story and twisting the facts. She is a master revisionist. And her followers are gullible enough to eat it all up. Her followers are too stupid to realize Shady is exploiting them- the young, naive and emotionally damaged. They listen because she tells them what they want to hear. She tells them it’s ok to be a horrible human being as long as you’ve been victimized. If this doesn’t pull the cover off her scam, then clearly there is a sucker born every minute.
I hope you’re proud of yourself, Shady.
February 13, 2011
For a while there I felt like the most popular kid in school. What have I personally learned from this recent shitstorm?
Not much. What unfolded for all of us to see is exactly what I have been writing about for the last year. You can call them whatever you like- borderlines, trauma survivors, silent abusers, troubled souls, etc.. The name really isn’t important. Whatever you want to call their disorder, the abusive effect is all the same. If the shoe fits, wear it.
This recent experience has only confirmed what I have come to believe and echoed the drama that was ever-present in the relationship with my borderline ex (uh em… I mean alleged borderline)
I did learn that there is a hierarchy of abuse. Did you know that? I didn’t. According to the mob, not all abuse victims are created equal. Rape survivors rule the roost, followed closely by women abused by a borderline parent, then comes gay men bullied in school and at the very bottom are partners of abusive borderlines. I had the naive belief that abuse is abuse. But the mob showed up at my doorstep with pitchforks to remind me that my abuse was insignificant and not worthy of acknowledgment. I was to remain silent about my abuse. It was suggested to me that speaking about my abuse constituted… abuse. It seems only a select few are allowed to tell their story.
It’s ok for others to accuse me of abuse, but for some reason it’s not ok for me to expose their abusive behavior. It’s ok for them to question my choices but god forbid I question my ex’s. Even though she’s had a long history of making bad choices. When they talk about abuse it’s called awareness, when I talk about abuse it’s called harassment. I guess I learned that hypocrisy is hard to see when your eyes are on the lookout for abusive behavior in others.
So why is the mob so angry?
At the core of their anger is the fear of rejection. Trauma survivors and borderlines have heightened rejection sensitivity. It’s what makes them run away from intimacy. It’s what makes them lash out at those who question their character. These posts may seem harmless to the average person, but to a certain group of people (who shall remain nameless) it infuriates them to their very core.
These people carry with them great pain. People in pain can act out in inappropriate and abusive ways. If someone questions their bad behavior it triggers a fight response. Fight or flight. Those are always the two choices. They hit and run. That’s their MO. When you criticize them it triggers fears of rejection and memories of abandonment.
It’s odd because some of these people should be sympathetic to someone who has been abused by a borderline. Especially those raised by an abusive borderline or bipolar parent. Unfortunately, those who were once victims can often grow up to become the abuser. An abuser who lives in denial to cover up evidence of his/her own abusive tendencies. As they say, the apple never falls far from the tree.
Why all the drama?
This is what these people do best. They grew up in chaotic environments. And therefore they have been conditioned to expect a high degree of drama where ever they go. If they can’t find it, they will create it. The fact is nobody forced these drama queens to read my posts. But they were looking for a fight.
The fight instinct is ingrained in them. They probably grew up watching their parents fight. Look into their personal history and I’m sure you will find never-ending conflict. Look around them and you will find friends and family embroiled in their own dramas. This is a culture of chaos with its roots dug firmly into their past and will most likely continue into their future.
A child of a borderline is doomed to repeat the past until they acknowledge this cycle. We are all doomed to repeat the past until we can successfully break the patterns and cycles of abuse.
Why the cover up?
The angry legion have forgiven my abuser and excused her questionable behavior, while ignoring my pain and mocking my suffering. Why are they so eager to sweep my ex’s misdeeds under the rug?
Because trauma survivors are just that… survivors. They are constantly in self-preservation mode. In order to deal with the pain of trauma and persecution, they have learned to cloud the past and bend the truth. Deception is the only way they can function and survive to fight another day. It’s why their behavior seems so… well… shady.
Well-meaning mothers and fathers also cover up the tracks of abusive children. Not realizing they are only prolonging the suffering of a child who is constantly creating their own grief.
Why have they come to the defense of someone they don’t even know?
Because my ex is a kindred soul, a victim turned abuser. Her abusive behavior is their abusive behavior. To rationalize her abuse is to rationalize their own. If they allow one person’s questionable behavior to be questioned it opens them all up for judgment. That would mean they would have to answer for their own crimes. And when guilt brings as much pain as it does for the uber-sensitive, that can not be allowed.
What is the point of engaging these clowns?
Well, other than entertainment value and the opportunity to put these faux-minists in their place, it was an opportunity for those of you (who are unfamiliar with this type of relationship) to witness the abuse in action. Unlike physical abuse and sexual abuse, emotional abuse is not so easily spotted. Especially, when you are dealing with an abuser who is disguised as a victim. An abuser who is a master of illusion. A master of the cover-up.
I can talk about it all day but you will never experience what it feels like. You will never see what it is like when you are in a relationship with someone who is an untreated trauma survivor. You will never see the games that borderlines play.
Why attack me?
An untreated trauma survivor has been conditioned to fight indiscriminately. Like a wounded animal they lash out at anyone who comes near, no matter how good their intentions. Speaking the truth is too close for comfort and therefore they try to scare you away. They hurl threats at you in hopes of scaring you into submission.
As a loving partner of an untreated trauma survivor, you too will become the target of psychological attacks while the person who originally created the trauma is long gone. This misplaced anger is only a small example of the delusions that can come with a troubled mind. If you decide to become involved with someone who has this condition, you can expect the same.
So who is the real abuser?
Not all partners of trauma survivors are abusive. The abusive ones who treat them like shit usually end up dumping them or cheating on them, and don’t even think twice about it. Then there are the mild-mannered, kind and gentle ones. To love someone, who lashes out at you, requires a partner to be incredibly forgiving and unbelievably patient. Maybe to a fault. Who else would put up with such abuse?
Sadly, damaged souls are more likely to be nice to someone who abuses them. And then abuse the ones who love them. But don’t take my word for it. Look around, you see it all the time.
Why the false accusations?
The world of an abuse victim is a world of perceived threats. A child who is abused spends the rest of his/her life on high alert. As they get older, they are more concerned with emotional threats than physical threats. The threat level rises when he/she becomes emotionally vulnerable to someone. This can lead to a state of paranoia.
False accusations are among the most dangerous weapons in a borderline’s arsenal. The closer you get to them, the more likely they are to use it against you. And then they wonder why they get so much negative attention. How are people suppose to react when a trusted love one suddenly antagonizes you or betrays your trust? With hugs and kisses?
Why did my ex cut me out?
While we were dating, it was apparent to me that my ex was easily creeped out and freaked out by strangers. We would go to parties and she would finger out people who she thought were rapists. Yeah, kinda scary. She was suspicious of everyone’s motives including her own friends and family. And when I fell out of favor, I too became the perceived abuser. All the loving memories we shared seemed to magically disappear. While once I could do no wrong, now everything I did was wrong. This is called “being split black”.
But if I was indeed abusive to my ex, why would she stay with me for 8 months? Why would she invite me to move to LA with her? Why would she come back to me for comfort after she was rejected by her secret lover? Even after all the horrible things she had said about me. Is it a coincidence that I became the “abuser” once I started writing the truth about her, once I started seeing her for who she really is? Is it a coincidence, that she split me black after she became vulnerable to rejection?
She shut me out because I got too close for comfort and she became too dependent on my love and approval. My honest observations of her were too painful.
Why do they make lovers into enemies?
The fact is when you are dealing with a borderline or even an alleged borderline who is stricken with the fear of abandonment, devaluation and demonization of an ex is to be expected. It doesn’t matter how much you think they love you. The more they fear losing you, the harder they push you away. To justify such cruel and heartless behavior, they must make you look like the bad guy.
Why is it a sin to talk about rape?
Because rape is one of the most traumatic experiences that can happen to someone. And when you throw BPD into the mix, it only increases the level of pain. These people are walking around with deep deep scars. That’s why they are so hyper-sensitive. Just reading a post about rape triggers all sorts of pain. And if you question someone who has been allegedly rape, then you become Satan himself. The shame and fear of rejection is like someone sticking a hot poker into their wounds.
Why so sensitive?
Hypersensitivity is part of the reason they are unable to regulate their emotions. Someone once compared loving a BP to hugging a burn victim. What a great analogy, because it says so much about anyone who has suffered trauma. They will always misinterpret your intentions. They will always shoot and ask questions later. They will always blow things out of proportion. They will draw you in only to ruthlessly push you away.
Relationships are hard enough on their own, but trying to maintain sanity in a relationship with someone who has untreated trauma is impossible. You could be the kindest most gentle human being in the world but how can you love someone who associates intimacy with pain? It is a no-win situation.
So who’s right?
In the heat of battle, it is easy to forget who is in the right. The abusers have accused me of being an abuser. I have also been accused of gaslighting, projecting and all the nasty tricks in a silent abuser’s own bag. I say they are hyper-sensitive. They say I am insensitive. So who’s right and who’s wrong?
Imagine what a relationship is like with a person like this? Someone who constantly makes you feel like an asshole when you’re not. Constantly questioning your motives. Constantly questioning your character. This from a person who supposedly loves you. Imagine how maddening that must be. This in itself is the worst form of abuse. It’s a total brain fuck.
But as a partner of a trauma survivor, you must always remember the greater trauma lies with them. The trauma or the memory of that trauma is a constant source of evil. Yes, we all have our own issues or we wouldn’t find ourselves in this kind of relationship. We all project and gaslight to some degree. These defense mechanisms are part of human nature. But when untreated trauma and personality disorders are present, it mutates the defense mechanisms into abusive behavior, into patterns of abusive behavior, into a history of abusive behavior.
Claims to victimhood must always be subject to scrutiny, when dealing with someone whose mind has been damaged by trauma. Once a victim, always a victim. Their claims are based on clouded memories and poor judgment. Our claims are based on science and logic.
Can’t they see their flawed logic?
BPD is a disorder where intense emotions overwhelm cognitive function. It makes smart people do stupid things and think stupid things. These are reasonably intelligent people. Yet their minds are so tangled with highly charged emotions, they can’t even see what is painfully obvious to everyone around them. Which is why they have such a hard time fitting in. This is why they often sequester themselves to fringe groups and dark corners of the blogosphere.
They are unable to see the correlation between their traumatic past and the pattern of chaos and drama that ensues. Their mind lacks clarity. They are unable to connect the dots. They engage in risky and self-destructive behavior, but they can’t see why. They antagonize others and can’t see why people treat them so poorly.
So has any good come out of this?
As expected, this drama has brought new exposure to this little blog. Awareness is growing. These are the people I have been talking about. These are the people who need to read this blog. As much as I appreciate my regulars, I am mostly preaching to the choir. The challenge is to reach out to those who don’t want to hear what I have to say.
I’m sure most of the mob will remain steadfastly in denial. But I hope a handful of them may take something from of all this. This blog won’t cure their trauma, but it may open their eyes just a little bit. The abusive comments have all but vanished. So either they have lost steam, or maybe just maybe their conscience has taken in some of the lessons learned.
What’s the solution?
Is it, as they suggest, to censor ourselves. To tippy-toe around sensitive topics. To treat them with kid gloves. To allow them to have their temper tantrums and let them viciously attack you at will?
At the risk of starting another shitstorm, I will firmly say NO. The answer lies with them. They need to seek help. They need treat their trauma and their personality disorders. You can do nothing for them. You should not have to tolerate their abusive behavior and you have every right to point it out. You have every right to hold them accountable.
All you can do is create awareness and encourage them to seek help. This is the unfortunate responsibility of anyone who would call themselves a loved one. To look the other way or cover up the abuser’s tracks only makes you an enabler. As the cliche goes- if you are not part of the solution, you are part of the problem.
Nobody wants to condemn people who have already been victimized. The point is to get these people to acknowledge the pain they have caused others. They are continuing the cycle of abuse. The point is to get them help, to stop their suffering and the suffering of those around them. And if they refuse to seek treatment and willingly continue their abuse, then they deserve to be called out.
So what’s the big deal?
The same deal that applies to awareness about rape or AIDS. BPD is a growing epidemic. And I am personally becoming aware that survivors of abuse are becoming more and more common. With each generation passing on the tradition of abuse, the numbers grow exponentially.
As one reader noted, BP abuse is not a crime. It doesn’t even register on most people’s radar as abuse. Even those who have personally experienced it don’t recognize it as abuse. Awareness becomes an uphill battle when part of the disorder involves self-denial and self-delusions.
The effects of this kind of emotional abuse are real. There’s a reason why children of borderlines grow up to be tortured souls. There’s a reason why BPD has such a terrible stigma. Unfortunately, it is only now being understood by those who call themselves mental health professionals. BPD is a new frontier. And abuse-related trauma is (as you can see) a touchy subject.
So many of my critics call this an obsession. I would say it is much needed awareness. In the end, victims of BP abuse just want their pain to be acknowledged. And when the abusers go so far as to recruit others to stay in denial, it only serves to add salt to our wounds and prolong the animosity between two people who once loved each other.
It’s ironic, that those who have taken up the banner to spread awareness about rape and domestic violence, have also tried to silence the victims of emotional abuse. What’s wrong with this picture? How can we talk about one and not the other? Clearly these people are creating a distraction. They are avoiding self-examination. They are avoiding taking responsibility for the people they have harmed.
Victims of this abuse should rest well knowing that no amount of denial can silence the tell-tale heart. Eventually, their conscience will catch up with them. There’s a reason why suicide is so high amongst these tortured souls. There’s a reason why these people engage in self-destructive acts. As much as you hate them, they hate themselves even more.
My borderline ex is most likely wrestling with her own conscience. Her self-esteem is almost non-existent at this point. Which is why she has desperately reached out to other bitter pills for back up. This is the blind leading the blind.
January 26, 2011
What the… traffic has more than quadrupled today. Thank you to the members of BPDFamily for your kind words. And welcome to all the new visitors.
November 1, 2010
As I said in the comment section two posts ago, the difference between treated borderlines and untreated borderlines is remarkable. I’m not even talking about someone who’s been cured after years and years of therapy. I’m talking about someone who is still going through the eye of the storm, but has taken full responsibility for her condition. Someone who has done research on her condition and sought to make amends for past misdeeds:
I had so much guilt for the shit I put one of my ex boyfriends through, it haunted me. It was on my mind from the moment I woke up. Finally, I got the courage to apologize. I don’t know if he took it sincerely or even took a moment to think about it, but it felt better.
An untreated BP would find it difficult, if not impossible, to apologize for hurting someone. They might not even realize they have done something wrong. But the woman above made a choice. A commitment to make life better for herself and her loved ones. It’s this choice that makes all the difference. If you read her blog, you’ll see she is still going through the ups and downs of BPD. But she’s aware of her thoughts and the consequence of her actions. More importantly she’s talking about it. She’s not in denial. She’s not blaming someone else. She’s holding herself accountable:
I now understand the reasoning behind my constant infidelity with all my previous relationships. I could never stay. I wanted something new and even now, it’s a hard thing to keep control of. I can totally understand the reason for the suicide outcomes being so high. It’s a constant battle in your mind and you so desperately want people near, but in return get scared. Then your behaviors are so outrageous or unpredictable, over time people cannot tolerate them.
Running away isn’t going to solve anything. Jumping from one broken relationship to another won’t make things better. You have to make things better. No one said it would be easy. But things do get better. It takes a lot of courage to change but there’s no other way.
October 16, 2010
The crack investigative team at Ms Magazine has done it again. This time, they have uncovered the fashion industry’s plot to kill off their key demographic. Fears that the world is out to get them were finally confirmed when they discovered these coded messages cleverly disguised as advertisement. Though motives are unclear, one can only assume that the fashion industry must be tired of making billions of dollars every year. Women everywhere can finally rest easy knowing that another sinister plot has been foiled.
October 15, 2010
There seems to be some debate over the topic of sexual expression. Little did I know it was such a heated topic. But certain hyper-sensitive individuals who have a preoccupation with shame have made it clear that I need to set the record straight. It seems they are under the impression that I am “shaming” women for expressing their sexuality. Nothing could be further from the truth. I am a big fan of sexy women. In no way am I saying it is unhealthy to express your sexuality. But what I have noticed is there is a big difference between the thought process of a healthy person expressing their sexuality vs the thought process of an unhealthy person.
If a woman wants to prance around half-naked, then more power to her. But if she needs to do this because it’s the only way she can feel validated, then I would say that is an unhealthy state of mind. If a couple wants to tape their lovemaking, have at it. But if this later becomes a blackmail scandal, then you might want to question why you choose the partners that you do. You might want to ask why drama is a constant companion. If you are so drunk that you accidentally end up on GirlsGoneWild without your knowledge, you might want to find your way to an AA meeting. This is not a male or female topic, this is a topic for anyone engaged in sexual acts.
This is not a moral judgment, it’s common sense. Sadly, not everyone has it. Especially if that person has a personality disorder or has experienced some sort of sexual trauma. That’s not my high and mighty arrogance talking, that just happens to be the way it really is. To those who have accused me of “shaming”them, I would suggest that the shame they feel was there long before they met me. Societal pressures aside, such feelings of shame can be the result of sexual assault. If this is not the case, then carry on. But if it is, maybe you should deal with this before you go accusing everyone of shaming you.