We all seek attention to some degree. But we are looking for someone who goes to unusual extents to seek attention.

When someone makes false-allegations just to claim victimhood, then harmless attention-seeking has crossed over into harmful behavior. We aren’t looking for single acts of attention-seeking. We are looking for consistent patterns of attention-seeking behavior.

Attention-seekers are not subtle (except in their own minds). They leave a trail of drama. If none is to be found, they will create it. If a relationship is going too well, they will look for trouble. They will start fights and pin the blame on you. And when you fight back, they will play the damsel in distress. They will burst into tears. They will play the victim.

Attention-seekers are incapable of real love or intimacy, so they create addictive co-dependent bonds. They create bonds that are impossible to break because they fear abandonment. They tell sob stories to reel you in. They create tragedy to create sympathy. They will feign suffering, so you will not abandon them. They will convince you that they NEED you. If you do not play their game, you will be shown out the door.

Attention-seekers don’t just break up with you. They play you like a yo-yo and then toss you in the trash. They tell you to move on, but secretly they love the attention. They antagonize you and demonize you. They misinterpret everything as an insult. For them, it is a fuzzy line between love and hate (signs of lifelong abuse). If their life resembles a soap opera, it is no coincidence.

These people were designed for chaos and drama. They love to be the center of attention. Not being the center of attention fills them with rage. Their hobbies will include a wide array of attention-seeking activities.

They will dress to say “Look at me!!!!!”. They maintain “fashion blogs” that are really altars for you to worship them upon. They tweet about all the great injustices that have been done unto them. Their Facebook photos are filled with pictures of them with cartoonish faces, dramatic poses and new looks.

The only time they are not looking for attention is when they get caught in the act. The fear of being revealed then replaces the fear of being abandoned. Attention-seekers are serial run-aways (runaway bride). Their shame is so great, they can not deal. They must run away from the scene of the crime. They re-invent themselves, so they can repeat the crime over and over again.

The attention-seeker is an illusionist. They want you to ooh and ahh at their magic, but they don’t want you to know what’s up their sleeve.

They will fight tooth and nail to keep their secrets. If you reveal them for a sham, you will see them disappear into thin air. (see Casey Anthony)

Histrionic Personality Disorder

64 Responses to “Attention Whores”

  1. Rae Alaine McQuiston said

    that’s funny. really, really funny.

  2. tim said

    that’s my bpd ex to a ‘t’ ……..whe once said as we sat at our favorite neighborhood bar, ” i’m gonna go out and try to start a fight between those two dikes” as she was going outside to smoke her cigarette. she honestly was looking forward to flirting with one of them and making the other one jealous, it was like she was gonna get her ‘fix’ . it wasnt enough to be having a nice friday nite with me, she had to ‘mix it up’ . geez.

    • savorydish said

      I’m beginning to think that BPD is not the problem. It’s when BPs graduate to become NPD/HPDs. That’s when things get ugly. A BP that stays in her room, can only harm herself. A histrionic that has tasted the blood that is attention is another story. Like a vampire, they always need more.

  3. tim said

    despite me giving her every attention, adoring her, taking her places, she always needed someone else’s envy, she repeatedly sought ‘more’ than what she was recieving…..spooky.

    • savorydish said

      That is a void that can’t be filled. She would have sucked you dry.

      • Sooooo true! Me ex BPD was not only an attention whore. She played the double statndard as well. If I so much as looked at a magazine cover w/ a pretty woman on the cover she would accuse me of cheating. However it was o k for her to have numerous male “friends”. The only time she paid attention to me was very late at night when she wanted to be “snuggled” as she slept. I finally began to realize that my only real purpose in her eyes was to be there at night so she wouldn’t have to sleep alone. I was her security blanket. Once the day came she spent time w/ every male in the neighborhood and then complained that she couldn’t get a moments peace. she was a meth dealer so she used the excuse that these guys were just her customers and I shouldn’t be so insecure. Bur GOd forbid I even look in ther direction of another woman. And of course if I was ever out of her sight I was automatically screwing someone else. Totoal BPD projection. Total attention whore. Thank God, due to sites like this I have been able to maintain NC and go on w/ my recovery.

      • OC said

        Yup. Just went through the same.
        At the end of the day these people are dopamine junkies in need of ever-stronger fixes. Like lab rats who keep pressing the level for the treat, even when it starts to shock them.

  4. Jason said

    So many true stories I could tell of my bpd ex.Endless really.She told me she wanted me to spend time with her 19 year old daughter,be the father figure she never had.So I made dinner for her daughter and then my ex went off in a jealous rage accusing me and her daughter of wanting to “hookup” for lack of a better term.But then she recommended a known male sex offender for her own daughter within two weeks of that.Strange.I couldn’t talk to anyone,not even my family without her going into a rage or making passive aggressive comments.I guess if it took attention away from her it was not permitted.I shaved my beard once because she said she didn’t like beards.then she accused me of shaving to impress another woman.I couldn’t even walk across the street without her saying “i knew you were going to leave and run around on me”.If i spent time with family once a month she said i wanted an open relationship.if I even fell asleep she would say i was avoiding her and cry and run off with other men seeking attention.One man she sought I later found out was one of my oldest friends,guess it gave her more satisfaction?I don’t know?I finally couldn’t take it anymore and I split up with her.She begged to come back but then it started all over again.Only worse.She told me we could get married,and then dissapeared.Maybe she dissapeared because I found out and confronted her about an affair?of course she said the affair was my fault.Said i was a mean bully because i dared say anything about uncovering her affair.her daughter cuts herself too.i fear she has bpd as well.I urged them to get help.but they won’t even acknowledge I am alive now.And all this came after I had just bought her a car and gave her thousands in cash and car repairs and jewelry.But why did she insist on keeping all the pictures of me she had taken.I’m so confused about everything.It’s like I am addicted to her.No matter what she does i still feel sorry for her and want to help her and take her back.Is this the borderline waif I’ve heard about?sorry this is so long.If anyone could give me any advice I appreciate it.thankyou

    • savorydish said

      Hey Jason,
      My advice is to you is to RUN and never look back. You have just given yourself a laundry list of reasons to leave this crazy bitch. You can feel sorry for her, but you can’t help her. She has a serious medical disorder. You are not qualified to help her.

      If you take her back, you will only risk your own mental health. Do yourself a favor and decide now that you will never take her back. If she won’t get help on her own, then she is a lost cause. Ask yourself why you would take this person back, despite all the horrible things she has done to you. This is a difficult question to ask but an important question. Good luck and best wishes.

  5. fishdeluxe said

    The savorydish is totally right Jason, cut-off all possible contact. Those are toxic relationships – I stayed in there for 20 years, at the end my mental health was compromised and I had become ‘addicted’ to that toxic ballet. It took me another 5 years to wean me off and take back MY PERSON and MY LIFE – now I’m living a life as happy and fulfilled as when I was 25, just before the disaster relation started.

  6. Jason said

    Thankyou..I appreciate the support.It certainly does feel like an addiction to her.It just so amazes me how she has everyone around her fooled,hard to get my mind around it.Have felt like I’m going insane after my time with her.I’m definetely questioning my sanity and I myself seem to be having trust issues after her.Thanks again

    • savorydish said

      You’re welcome Jason. If your ex is indeed a borderline she has mastered the art of making you feel like you’re the crazy one. And telling everyone that you’re crazy is part of this lovely process. You can’t stop the fooling process but you can get as far away as possible. You can tell your story to anyone who will listen.

      • Tom said

        My question is why? Why are so many people around fooled…or is ti that we see through them and the rest are simply not interested,superficial or stupid? We naturally for what whatever reason are stupid…but eventually we seek the WHY, what happened? What did we do wrong? Are they correct etc etc. So are we like the rest?

      • savorydish said

        People are fooled because they can’t possibly believe that such a person would go to such extraordinary lengths to seek attention. But just take a look at all the reality shows on TV. Attention-seeking has become a national pastime.

  7. Stanly said

    I do like your style of writing, this blog is written fantastically but what you say much of the time about borderlines is quite stigmatizing as you group all borderlines together saying “they do this” and “they do that”. It’s really not fair or wise. Whilst there is an element of truth in some of the things you mention and describe you do not explain what really goes on in the mind of a borderline or WHY ‘they’ do the things ‘they’ do.

    Borderlines are not bad people, usually it’s quite the opposite as they are very empathetic people, they feel deeply and can relate to others who feel pain. They battle everyday with emotions, it is not their fault that there is no activity in some parts of their brain, and over activity in others. You talk of all borderlines like they are bad or evil, which is very wrong and unfair. How are they meant to get better when all they are confronted with are these types of blogs and ignorance?

    • ta said

      stanly
      this site isnt meant to be taken personal, it is VERY factual and IS the borderline in a nutshell! there has been less than 1% of what i have read (over the years & many BPD resources) that are just about cookie cutter behaviors. noone said they are BAD people, they are who they are due to thier upbringing, that does not give them the right to wear it as a badge of honor/dishonor when they behave like lunatics.

      a BPD may not know what they are doing at the time of thier RAGES but they KNOW what they have done after them. the lies and slander are not in thier minds they DO make conscious decisions to reel people in. bottom line is they know what they have done and do & its thier “choice” to not seek treatment. every one of us who has loved and lived with these ppl have had to deal with the battery (emotional/verbal) then the begging to forgive them and promises to seek therapy. MOST do not because they would rather ride the PITY train and deplete every one they can of time, money, emotions, self respect etc…

      the majority of these ppl get thru life by what they take from others and not from thier own merits.

      sorry if this is too direct but apparently you havent done your homework. alcoholics are accountable for thier behaviors, child abusers and pedofiles are not excused for thier behaviors … BPD is not exempt from thiers either!!!

      the above diseases may be products of thier environment but if they TRULY had empathy & emotions for others pain… THEY WOULD STOP CAUSING IT !!!!!!!!

      ta

    • Brett said

      “Borderlines are not bad people” Then all I can say is what is your definition of a bad person? I can really think of no other type of individual I would classify as more evil than a borderline. I really disagree with almost your entire second paragraph. They do not relate to anyone but themselves. Their targets are those they are closest to. I have more compassion for serial killers since at least their victims are typically strangers not spouses, children, or family members.

      You then go on to say “how are these poor souls going to get better when confronted with blogs like these and ignorance”. First off, most borderlines do not want to get better. They are never going to come to this site and read all of this “unfair” truth about their actions. There are a few that will and those are the ones that have half a chance. Secondly, this site is geared toward those that have been victimized. It’s like creating a blog for rape victims and saying “well how are all the rapists going to get better when sites like these are bashing them.” Really, who cares if they get better. And before you say this is an unfair comparison, it is not. BPD is really a form of emotional rape.

      At least we agree upon there is faulty activity in their brain that allows them to act the way they do. I will say borderlines do have one other positive contribution. They cull the weak minded. After your time ends with a borderline you are required to take a real hard look at why you ever entered into a relationship with this person. You will either correct your own thinking, or likely search for the next toxic relationship.

      • Lauri said

        I have borderline and I know Im not a eviel person. Please dont say all borderlines are eviel because they are not. I know I am not eviel I hate that they say we all are. When Im seriously not I love helping other people Im always doing for others. I have compassion and empthy for people. I love animals. Im not violent at all. Sure I have said and done things to people that were not right but it was not in the intention to hurt them or anything it was to get them to care or to get them to not leave me or get them to answer me or get them to have closure with me.

      • astar said

        ‘A few will come on here and read’ well, I’ve read and taken notes. and I’ve had to swallow the bitter pill that is the truth in our actions. I have gotten therapy, changed my diet, asked for feedback from my family and today from a past interest and I am willing to hear it no matter how painful it might be and am trying so hard everyday to change and improve. yes, you cant treat people this way, but we do feel, and most of u didnt choose to be this way, as long as people can remember that. it’s not an excuse but I sure as hell didnt ask to grow up in a domestic violence home, abused several times sexually online and offline and grow up struggling with a bpd parent only to find out I have it myself. Theres nothing i dream of more everyday than to be ‘normal’ to be emotionally regulated and live happily how others seem to do with so much ease without having to think twice about. I dream of being able to have a child and happy married home ofmy own, what I never saw growing up. I dont care for riches or status I honestly want a simple happy life.Trust me, this is no life, I wouldnt wish it on my worst enemy. We are not all the same, a lot of us want nothing more than to stop. Yes there is no excuse for the rage or violence and yes we have a choice, Ive seen andlived the rages of my father, followed with promises to ‘never do it again’. He needed help and never got it, my greatest fear is being like him and that drives me.

      • savorydish said

        Thank you for your story. You’re already better than your father, because you’re aware and you got help. I wish you the best.

    • Jim said

      stan- is your wife a Bpd ?

  8. Jim said

    I think all BpD woman are evil and I never want to meet another one

  9. ta said

    Jim.. u nailed that! Evil is the best word… havent u seen the devil in thier eyes…. like Omg who the f/@! is this???

  10. Lauri said

    Not all people with borderline are eviel. Im re thinking if I truley have borderline will be asking my therapsit. I know Im not eviel like these people your talking about and I know I dont have eviel in my eyes. Maybe these bordelrines had no morals. I know I have morals and I feel bad when I hurt someone. I wouldnt treat some one like that.

  11. Jim said

    i have been hurt so badlky by my exbpdgf- six enagements and I never really knew her, mostly lies where told and as I type this there is no closure at all, she just vanished, blocked everything about her life. She left 7 days aftwer my father died, now tell me someone like that cares !! Not gonna happen- as far as eveil I have seen her in the fetal position 2 or 3 times and watched as the eyes glazed over to black and had the red pupils- evil yes for sure

  12. Jim said

    Yes i am angry about ever meeting her, and I know with all my heart and mind she knew exactly what she was doing. When she lied about things such as working the entire weekend, phones broke, name it – i heard em all. So is lieing not evil

  13. ta said

    The evil IS the lying because thy will say and do whtevr to get wht thy want. The evil eyes r whn thy r in or going into a rage I cant evn tell u the things ive experienced w my ex the rages were almostly monthly and always got worse and thy usually hpnd for no rsn at all. Oh yea she wld hv remorse til the nxt time. Included in the lies r the slanderous things I found out she wz tellin friends and family abt me tht nvr hpnd just to gain sympathy ahd of time, to build the foundation to y thy do wht thy r abt to do agn. Jim it I a nvr ending cycle, she will prob resurface and u will alwz hv a soft spot for her bcuz u dnt wnt to blv u were used or humiliated etc… shes gna spin
    Y she behved the way she did. DO NOT FALL FOR IT! It will nvr chg. Thy r very selfish the fact tht she lft right aftr u dad died is paar for the course cuz it signified she wld not b the centr of attn and ur time of need wz not convenient to her. Going fwd the 1st thing I will ask myslf whn im dating sum1 is NOT gna b hw sexy thy r but is this the person I wnt at my bedside god forbid im very sick, cuz the last thing u wna worry abt is omg is she cleaning out the acct or reeling in the next sucker whl im asleep.

    Im sorry to hear abt ur dad!

  14. Jim said

    I am ok, i doubt she comes back, i wrote her kids, who i never met, called her ex husband and have no spoke for 18 months

  15. ta said

    Its amazing hw much damage 1 person/rlation can do my life hz bn pure hell n torment since mtg her 4yrs ago. Plus as its bn said b4 abt bp’s sabotaging ppl I too blv she hz said or done sumthn to sabotage my job. I can feel it in the air. Sum days I feel like im sinking nt bcuz I miss her but everything else ontop of tht experience is nothing hut bad news. Uuuugh! Mits so unreal tht ppl like bps can turn on the very prsn who has gone to great lengths to gv thm a btr life thn thy turn ard and but ruin u. Im so disheartened and shamed tht I allowed it,

    • Jinm said

      yep they damage all things around them, I have learned a lot and will be in a BPD face before thery can infect my soul

  16. Greg Roberts said

    Hi all,

    Hopefully this is just part of the grieving process for me. Or perhaps it didn’t actually happen, which would bring its own sense of relief. Basically, I am hurting and confused and I need a place to vent some of my insecurities and fears. I do not want to take these thoughts out on her.

    ** OBLIGATORY TRIGGER WARNING **

    My long-distance girlfriend of four months claims to have been violently raped twice this month: once at work and once in a movie theatre. It is quite unbelievable, and I think that is why I am here. She also exhibits the signs of Histrionic and/or Borderline PD – my therapist had gathered that months before I asked from my description of our relationship. She has even had hallucinatory episodes involving demons that lasted about a week, which I took part in just to spare her the notion she could be crazy (that might be a comorbidity though). Although we had been close friends for two years prior to this, she told me she loved me the second time after we first initiated a relationship. I reciprocated because I did and, hey, I’m kind of messed up, too. She is a thorough liar, as exhibited when I have been privy to lies she tells other people. She has gotten upset and has threatened to kill herself when I was unavailable for ~2 hours. She is a sexual dynamo with me, she is a cutter, her moods rarely last for longer than a few days at most and frequently oscillate during the day. She also oscillates between idealizing me to the point of perfection and devaluing everything I do.

    To get clinical with it, she exhibits all of the criteria from both HPD and BPD (according to the DSM-IV) to some extent (usually a great extent).

    Oh yeah, and she has a short-distance boyfriend of two years who she has kept in the dark about our relationship this entire time.

    My question is… has anyone been with a xPD person who has gone far enough to lie about being raped? Honestly, the first rape sounds plausible, but the second one boggles my mind.

    The perpetrator was the friend of a friend she went to the movie theatre with. She claims her friend left to get refreshments for about 10 minutes, during which time this perpetrator… did some very violent things. Fast forward 10 minutes, the friend comes back, she is crying on the ground, perp takes off. They go to the hospital, police are called, perp is caught.

    1. The first thing that strikes me is that the ‘very violent’ things the perp did are things she wanted me to do the week leading up to it. We’re kinky like that. We did a ‘scene’ days earlier that was a lot like what happened, plus consent.

    2. The perp put himself in an impossibly stupid situation. He had such a narrow time window to do his deed before the friend – who knows his name, was his ride, and knows where he lives – comes back. Like a kamikaze rapist.

    3. When I tried to contact the friend to ask what happened, he did not respond (not surprising, he doesn’t know me or of our secret relationship). I told her, she was upset, and she covered for it by telling him I’m drunk. Airtight. The wording of my message and the fact she is our only mutual FB friend should have left no ambiguity as to what I was talking about. Why do I have to be drunk in this cover?

    Those above are probably the main points I am trying to weigh to figure it out. The points below are about a lie she told directly related to this incident, and things she’s told me that might be lies.

    4. This one just sucks no matter what, but she said she was going out with a girl friend, so as not to make me jealous of her spending time with this guy friend. If she’d told me the truth I would have told her to stick by his side no matter what. I haven’t told this to her but if only she would have not lied about this and done what I would have said, it might not… ahem. Anyway, weird right?

    5. Long history of rape in her background… impossibly long. Starting at 3, according to a memory she had repressed. Started again when she was 13 – by two guys an omnipotent hacker abuser ‘friend’ of hers sent from 4 states away – and continued by every relationship she was in until her current boyfriend and I. She also hurt herself a lot under directions from this hacker, and may have even sexed herself out to strangers in restrooms when she was a teenager, at his command. I haven’t delved into everything with her. She claims that he hypnotized her to carry these things out and trained her to be a slave. All while she was getting good grades and having a pretty active social life in school clubs… which is the stuff I can prove. The hacker still calls her at times… twice last week, after the incident at work, and once in January shortly after our relationship started and she was molested on a dance floor. Impeccable timing on his part.

    Actually, upon reflection, ALL of this boggles my mind and strains credulity. I know revictimization is statistically more likely after one rape, but according to her, her entire life has been a living hell of rape and abuse.

    ** OBLIGATORY TRIGGER WARNING **

    • savorydish said

      She was probably raped at on point in her life, and now the tragedy re-plays in her mind like a broken record. The scary part is she will imagine rape even when it never happened. It’s a lie that she actually believes because memories of her past are very real to her. What they repress comes back to haunt them over and over again.

      • Greg Roberts said

        Thanks savorydish, kind of what my therapist and I are thinking. So far have found no arrest records matching the dates or charges she’s described. The second perp was distinctive in that she later said he had breaking and entering and an illegal firearm charges already, to go with the sexual assault. Going to call her work today and see if they can corroborate the occurrence of an arrest, and also with the police department in the town

        Is there any way to coax her out of this? A direct, head on approach carries a lot of risk – if I missed something and she really is telling the truth then there goes any trust, and if it really is cemented in her mind maybe it would snap her too hard, too fast.

        Either way she is doing better today. Her suicidal thoughts have subsided and she is less bashful about sex.

        She also revealed some inconsistencies in her timeline. When she first told me about the two guys from the hacker thing, they took her virginity and were the first to do a certain sexual thing to her, which she wanted me to do to her. Now its one of her ex’s who took her virginity by rape, and the last perp (from this past weekend) was the first to do the certain sexual thing she wants to do.

        I wouldn’t even really be that mad if her stories turned out to be false… sucks, but not something to really take personally. I want to get her help to tackle her real issues. And it’d help to restore some of the faith in humanity I lost hearing about her stories.

      • savorydish said

        With these women, you will never know what is true and what is a lie. They will literally do or say anything to get attention.

        Yes, they are more likely to be victimized and re-victimized than the average women, but they are also prone to trauma-induced delusions. Imagine a search engine that keeps producing search results for rape, no matter what you type in the search box.

        Borderline women are even more prone to victimization. If they were sexually abused at age 3, triggers will become a part of life. Instead of wasting time figuring out the validity of her claims, you should be figuring out how she can get treated. You can’t fix the past, but you can prevent future tragedies. Good luck.

    • Tom said

      @Greg Roberts Run! You need to really think about why you are in this relationship.

      If you want something of a checklist to confirm your suspicions on her having Borderline or Histrionic Personality Disorder, find Joe Navarro’s Kindle books on How To Spot a Borderline Personality and How to Spot a Histrionic Personality.
      http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=ntt_athr_dp_sr_1?_encoding=UTF8&field-author=Joe%20Navarro&search-alias=digital-text

      Also, read Shari Schreiber’s articles:
      http://www.sharischreiber.com/articles.html

      Tara Palmatier’s Shrink 4 Men:
      http://shrink4men.com

      Finally, here is what you can eventually expect to happen to you if you stay in a relationship of any sort with this woman:
      http://angiemedia.com/2008/12/29/bpd-distortion-campaigns/#.UXZUV7Vwrg0

      Borderlines and/or False accusations:
      http://www.angryharry.com/esSomePeopleHavePersonalityDisorders.htm
      http://www.angryharry.com/esRapeBaloney.htm
      http://cotwa.info/
      https://www.facebook.com/groups/18733792496/
      https://www.facebook.com/groups/protectionformen/

      I can’t stress strongly enough that you are putting your life, freedom, finances and reputation at risk by having this long-distance girlfriend in your life. All it takes is her splitting you black and making a false accusation against you to end your life as you know it.

  17. Getting better =) said

    I am amazed how you described my 23 year old ex little mean sweet angel..devil !! The things I see in all of this is rape anorexia ..poor thing behaviour..lies..manipulation.. etc…Attention seeking! She loved her cat..I am crazy fro animals..but I do find cats are the most self seeking animal.. and bipolar girls seem to love cats! ,,Thing is she too said she was raped at 16 by her neighbor.. strange is..she seemed so matter of fact telling me this..she never seem to act like somebody that had this happen..to me I find that being raped should be extremely traumatic!! she had this so matter fact cold side..she did not cry when I met her,.crying is not ok..is weakness..she has this thing about you have to be strong,…sensitive is for wussy .. so she is not the sensitive type..
    she is very into looks…she is crazy about make up blogs..fashion magazines.. all the superficial looks ..that matter the most to her.. the clothes…and all that..she dressed well not like a whore no..but to get attention yes .. oh god she is crazy fro sex…had to happen everyday.. and you must say you love her all the time…the i love you was like talk a little and I love you talk some more and i love you..so I would feel I had to say i love you too… and all that if I say adore you..oh is not like i love you ..just adore me? not love me? .. rejection was the world is ending if I fell sleep while she tried to seduce me to sex again I rejected her! omg its tiresome..I got burned out and bored..I am into reading like crazy and she reads only magazines so she bored me!!!!!!!!!!!!! I was hooked how pretty she is and how she was crazy about me…but even that wore off! fact is..they dont love you!!!!!!!!!!! and i could never really trusted her.. I think she lied too much..I have no prof she did..but I had this feeling I could not trust her..In the end I had to leave cos I could not trust her and it was a yo yo ..I felt this addiction to her..and I am not addicted to anything! I never had alcohol nor smoked..nor try a single drug..I am into fitness and nature but I am ashamed to say I was addicted to this loser!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! they are losers.. they are LEECH !! bad clingy manipulator lying leeches!! run from them…if it seem too good to be true..hellooooooooooo it is!!!!! run!

    • Robert "Toerrishuman" said

      I love your post! I can relate to most of what you wrote, however for me towards the end, the sex stopped and if we did do it, it was like making love to a robot. No emotions, no touching, just do it and let me know when you are done. Her eating disorder and nightmares went into overdrive as well. I believe this happen when she started cheating on me. Everything was my fault and the threats of leaving me starting pouring in.

      I snapped over 4 1/2 months ago and told her to leave, which she did as she already had the roommates, apartment, movers and new boyfriend all lined up. I spent 4 years with this BPD person and thank God she turned me down when I asked her to marry me.

      I am now a SURVIVOR of a BPD relationship!! I am slowly dating but more important, I am working on myself for he first time in my life. My children, ex-wife, family and work has noticed the changes in me, all positive. I am so happy right now, I forgot what that felt like. I am really living for me and I do know one day that I will meet someone that will love me for me and not try to change me, we will have mutual respect for one another and grow together.

      I am excited for this new chapter in my life and I am grateful that I have the experience to recognize another BPD woman. I will not repeat the same mistake twice! My soul, my children cannot take this again.

      Thank you for sharing everyone, my thoughts and prayers go out to you for a speedy recovery, you will survive!!!!

      From gratitude. 🙂

      • savorydish said

        I had the same experience. The sex was wild and crazy at times. But then other times she was cold and distant. Couldn’t touch her head or her wrists during sex. These are all signs that sexual abuse was in her past. BPD was just part of the equation.

      • Robert "toerrishuman" said

        Thanks for the comment. I always thought my ex-girlfriend had a strange relationship with her other brother and after researching BPD, I believe there was incest. Another red flag that happen during our relationship, my ex would brag about all the one night stands she had, however when I asked if she would be crazy with me, she always turned me down. Throughout the relationship I always had to ask to make love, I felt like I was begging, when I told her this, she would cry and say, “I can’t satisfy you.” All I wanted was for her to pleasure me as I did, for her but for some reason she just wouldn’t do it. I now understand, I was in love a mentally ill and abused person and although it was very hard for me, I had to stop the abuse and told her to leave. (which is what she wanted) As I mentioned before, my self-esteem is slowly getting back to where it use to be.

        From gratitude. 🙂

      • savorydish said

        You’re welcome. Remember survivors of sexual assault have their best sex with people who are abusive(emotionally distant/disconnected). Your love and availability was too much for her. Intimacy scares the shit out of these women and that is the reason why sex became mechanical towards the end. The more she felt for you, the more she felt like she needed to withdraw.

      • Robert "toerrishuman" said

        This all makes sense to me now. There were times that I felt if I was an one stand with my ex, she would be more passionate, then again, it would of been just sex. She loves sex, however as the relationship progressed, I fell in love with her, I always thought of sex as making love, that is who I am.

        I believe for her it was about control, that she could have a one night stand and never see the person again, I am sure these guys chased after her and it must of been thrilling for my ex to say no to these guys. (attention seeking)
        I remember discussing this with her and her comment was, “I like to use men”, my reply was, “don’t you understand, they are using you.” Sex (or in my books, making love) should be given to someone that loves and cares about you, it is the most intimate act two people can share with one another.

        Your comment regarding that she had to withdraw from me as we became closer does rings true with me and yes I understand why it happen, I am still sad about it. I do know that my next relationship will not be like this. If I feel my partner withdraw from me, it will be a red flag and I will get off my butt and do something about (run for my life), unlike before when I stayed in my relationship hoping my ex would change, it did not happen and my self-esteem began to go spiraling down. It was the worst feeling ever as I began to question my manhood. Lesson learned!

        From gratitude. 🙂

      • savorydish said

        It is about control. When they were young someone stole that control. Life becomes a never ending quest to regain control. It is clear to you and me that she was being used by other men for sex. But to maintain that sense of control she needs to imagine that she is the one using them. Using men for sex is their way of protecting themselves from getting close

      • Robert "toerrishuman" said

        I just wanted to add something to my last post, after all the logic settled down, I started to get a pain in my neck, my stomach started to tighten, you can say I was being hard on myself, again! Yes, I have forgiven my ex-girlfriend but why I do I struggle forgiving myself? I am sorry for her background, the abuse she endured, her BPD personality but when it comes time to forgive myself, I feel sick. This does not make sense!

        Ok, I know I am being hard on myself for being human but I hate myself when I lose focus on my healing. Sigh, I know I am not the only going through but writing about this does help me and get back on track. I wish she would of let me help her but to no avail, my ex must help herself and chances of that happening are slim to none.

        I must lose my co-dependance and saving lost causes, yes my ex went through a lot of crap but she could of made a choice to face her past and overcoming it. Ahh… I am just dreaming, I just gotta fix myself and not worry about anyone else.

        From gratitude. 🙂

      • savorydish said

        We’ve all been too hard on ourselves. We were taught that true love conquers all. But when a woman tells you that she uses people, that is telling you to run and never look back. She was using you. And that is a bitter pill to swallow. All we can do is learn from our mistakes. Painful lessons can help us to steer clear of further pain.

      • Robert "Toerrishuman" said

        Thank you again Savory Dish! For several hours today I was in some real pain facing my childhood abuse issues. I am now back on track. I am focusing my energies on myself and being creative once again. I would like to mention to everyone before my divorce, bankruptcy and ex BPD relationship, I was a full-time motivational speaker. I was hired by companies to enhance team work and customer service, however I could not do a presentation on personal growth. After 5 years and everything I have been through, I am now going to re-invent myself! I am writing a motivational presentation that I will be donating to volunteer groups in my city. I will share my stories of how I overcame my past relationships and how it has cause me to grow and become a better person and father. We are not alone and speaking from a male perceptive, I have notice not a lot of men share their stories of abuse publicly, that is going to change! I am going to open myself up to everyone and I am going to share, in hopes that I can help other men and women that you can overcome a BPD/NPD relationship and survive and thrive!

        I would not of come to this place in my soul if it wasn’t for everyone on this site. I still have work to do on myself, however I feel with the gift of giving to others, I will also be giving to myself 10 fold!

        From gratitude. 🙂

      • savorydish said

        Good for you, Robert. I wish you the best. We all need to re-invent ourselves.

      • Robert "toerrishuman" said

        When you take money from a man, you take something from his wallet. When you take time from a man, you take a part of his life. Savory Dish, I thank you for your time.

      • savorydish said

        My pleasure. Be well.

      • Robert "Toerrishuman" said

        Hi Savory Dish and everyone, I want to ask permission if I can post my YouTube channel on this site. When I was researching on BPD/NPD break ups, I noticed there was a lot of information on surviving this type of relationship from women however there were no videos from men talking about their feelings and how they were coping. I want to be the first man sharing that you can overcome a BPD/NPD relationship from a male’s perspective. I look forward to hearing back from you.

        From gratitude. 🙂

      • Robert "Toerrishuman" said

        http://www.youtube.com/channel/UCEM-48bmpH6l_K1WAFR4ung

        Thank you for letting me share Savory Dish.

        From gratitude. 🙂

  18. nicole said

    I sabotage my marriage

  19. Jay-Jay Jaded said

    And if they are reasonably attractive, society will permit a female attention whore to wreck lives and destroy families with little to no consequence.

    If you’re a male attention whore, you’ll soon lose a few teeth.

  20. Pixie said

    Not all borderlines are horrible people. Basically, when one has borderline, they, for lack of a better term, “over-feel” their emotions. Hence the over-reactions, the craziness, etc. When one is diagnosed, and has treatment, they learn to regulate the emotions and let the real person shine through. Most borderlines, or at least myself, are well-intended people, we’ve just been kinda shuffled off to the side through our lives, and yes, sometimes need a little more attention.
    However, after a relationship with someone who claims to have Paranoid Personality Disorder, although I’m pretty sure he’s closer to sociopath (has made remarks about how he couldn’t even get any from a woman on rufies) it sure made me open my eyes to some of my own behaviors and I’m doing a lot better. And if I look at my behavior from my late teens/early twenties vs now (I’m 33), I’ve definitely come a long way. And yeah, a lot of it is a conscious decision to grow up on my part. So, yeah, we are not all evil. Or, I don’t want to be, anyway.

    • savorydish said

      I never said all BPs are horrible. I’m sure a lot of them are well-intentioned people. But good intentions can not control hyper-reactions or misperceptions.

      Many BPs are the product of child abuse/neglect and don’t even know it. Abusive behavior is hardwired into their brain. The behavior is passed on from generation to generation.

      Many BPs are unaware that they are being abusive until someone points it out. I’m sure they don’t want to be hurtful. But many are. That is why it’s called a disorder.

      Appreciate the fact that it takes a great deal of concern to point out someone’s illness. People who don’t care wouldn’t give you the time of day. They would just walk away.

  21. Sally said

    BPD is a wasteless name given to label women, whom GP’s and psychiatrists can’t be bothered to find the answers to. I have spent all my life nursing, am happier looking after others than myself and refuse to be in relationships, as I can’t handle the hurt when they go wrong. I blame myself, not others for everything in life that goes wrong, and am not a serial liar, but thanks for the condemnation. I spent 30 years hiding in silence about past issues, that have ended up consuming me of late. Therapy retrains how you react to situations, and this is behaviour that wasn’t learned properly as a child. You may have been a victim to some nasty stuff from your ex, but not every BPDer is the same. I am no more vindictive or manipulative than the next person, I just strive for happiness. I don’t throw emotional tantrums to get what I want, but I do breakdown at the end of every relationship and start self hating. My whole life is self hate for things I can’t change, but I know I have done lots of good in my life. I hate reading all this rubbish about everything and seeing generalisations about everyone with the disorder. I am not the same as the next person, and they are not the same as me. Would you say all muslims are the same? All white people? Or all black people? All murderers? No, because they are different. Stop generalising and trying to hurt people with hateful words, just to better yourself. It doesn’t make you a stronger person.

  22. Seth said

    I dated a BPD girl for a little over a month. Although I do not know if she really has BPD, I have read a lot online and it clearly defines her personality (traits of BPD). I met this girl on Match. First date was like a scene from a romantic movie, perfect in every way. We bonded like “soulmates”. After a few texts later and 4 days after our first perfect date, we went to a restaurant near her house. She asked for me to pick her up and then we went to our first official date. The conversation was very different than what we had in our initial encounter. Things went smoothly during our date until I started asking about her previous marriage where she ended up divorcing the ex after 8 months of marriage. When I asked why she flipped out. I can see her expression change as we were talking. On our ride back to drop her off, she was very quiet then as we were passing a nice development she said that she used to live there (which is one street from her condo). She said her ex still lives there (this is an ex BF she had prior to dating me; not the ex-husband). When we got to her place, she asked if I wanted to come in and I said it was getting late and I need to get home because I had to work the next morning. She was totally upset and stormed out of my car and said to never call her again. Three days later, I texted her and apologize for bringing up her marriage. After a few delayed texts and 4 days later she invited me over for dinner. It was nice. Then she asked me to spend the night but I had to work the next day. A week later I picked her up and we went out to brunch. I noticed she was very different than the last few dates. She started attacking me with weird questions out of the blue. She was very hot/cold with me throughout brunch. She would hold my hands then let go as we walked around the town. Then we went to a bakery and ate some dessert. Out of nowhere she said take me home. She said I feel disgusted with myself and I just want to go home and nap. The whole one hour car ride home she did not speak one word. I asked is everything ok and she replied I just don’t want to talk. When we got to her place she said i would invite you in but I’m going to nap. I left her place and two hours later she sent me a pic of her in her nighty and said I feel better now. The texts after that were very strange and she did not apologize for anything. I didn’t text her for a week. My last text was, “hey just wanted to see if you’re ok and what’s new” and her response was, “oh, did the other girl stop talking to you?” followed by, “don’t ever text me again”. WTF! I told her since our initial date that I was not seeing or talking to anyone so where did that come from? I did respond to that last text and wrote, “well, that was not the response I was looking for but ok”. “I’m here for you if you need to talk”. Can someone tell me why she did that?

    • savorydish said

      She is mental. That’s why she did that. That is not normal behavior. At the very least, she has fractured memories and unstable moods. That’s a danger zone. This woman is seriously damaged. Do not go near her.

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