The Trouble with Anna

January 23, 2017

When I met Anna, I was drawn to her child-like wonder and openness. She seemed to have so much energy for life. But like all the women I attract, there was another side to that same coin. That childish nature had a dark side.

Our first date was very telling. She was hours late and never bothered to text me. When she did arrive, she said she was hungover.  This would not be the first time she was flaky and unapologetic. It was assumed that I would tolerate her flakiness. But it only made me look elsewhere for love.

She would later get upset because she found out that I was dating another woman during our first month of dating. I did so because I couldn’t take either one seriously. Both were flaky.  And I have learned that is a sure sign of an unstable mind and personality- one that is loving one minute, and callous just months later.

She would often crawl into my arms like a cat, just to feel my embrace. One could easily mistake this for love. All my friends did. But she, like all my exes, took love away as quickly as she gave it. Troubled women know how to make you feel loved. But they are just going through the motions. I was skeptical from the very beginning, because I knew what to expect.

Unfortunately for her, I was a different man when I met her. I no longer gave my heart to a woman without reservation. It was this reservation that drove her mad. Or rather, it revealed her madness. By the time I met her, I was well-read on the topic of personality disorders. She didn’t like this either. My knowledge of disordered people gave her concern. Her concern, in turn, gave me more reservation. Because, had she been more supportive of what I had been through with other troubled women, I might have been more willing to dive in.

But something about her, kept me out of the pool. The more I got to know Anna and her past, the more I saw commonalities between her and my BPDex. Anna may not have been as troubled as my BPDex, but she had her own set of issues… Her own triggers. Growing up in a family that struggled with alcoholism and infidelity, left deep scars with Anna. She was always doubting the affection I showed her… Always reading my emails and questioning my relationship with other women.

Every time she felt insecure, she would block my number and put up the Wall of Silence. And every time she did that, I became more distant and doubtful that the relationship would last. This was normal for her. It was not unusual for her family members to cut off contact. Her own father kicked her out of the house because he didn’t like the guy she was dating. When I heard these stories, I knew what I was dealing with. I knew why she was so flaky.  Flakiness is a form of sabotage. People, who fear intimacy, instinctually push others away when they get too close… Or when they fear they aren’t worthy of your love.

In the end, she was the one who cheated on me. But instead of confessing and showing remorse, she felt like she had good reason to cheat on me. Like my BPDex, she hated what her father had done to her. Like my BPDex, she was too much of a coward to punish or confront her father. So instead, she punished me for her father’s wrongdoings. This is the MO of a Man Hater. They are always seeking someone to punish for terrible things that were done to them long, long ago.

Sex was an important part of our relationship. Unlike my other exes, Anna didn’t have weird sexual hang-ups or triggers. She loved sex as much as I did. We would sometimes spend all day having sex. But once again, there was another side to this coin. Anna loved sex so much, she had sex with another man while I was on a business trip. She says she doesn’t have BPD, but her fear of abandonment is strong.  So when I left for my trip, she took that as abandonment.

Like all troubled women, sex was used as bait and a reward for being a good codependent. But if I didn’t give her 24/7 attention, she would punish me by having sex with another man.  Like my BPDex, she had trouble keeping it in her pants. This is how a Man Hater stabs you in the back. They do it with glee and pride, suppressing all shame. Man Haters come from families where loved ones treat each other horribly. But nobody talks about the Elephant in the Room. Because that would be cause for concern.

All signs pointed to Anna being another Hit and Run Artist. Like my BPDex, she was a perpetual runaway.  As soon as she detected possible rejection, the wall went up. Nothing could get to her behind that wall. She wanted me to beg her back. But I wanted none of that. I was over it. I had been down this road too many times to care. I had developed my own defenses and much thicker skin. I was actually surprised by how easy it was for me to get over Anna.

This is what they have collectively done to me. They pushed me away to the point where I don’t even care anymore. I no longer struggle to win people back.  Once the wall goes up, I write that person off and thank them for wasting my time.

6 Responses to “The Trouble with Anna”

  1. Smiler said

    Time to start dating well adjusted peopleSD. Time to work on yourself SD!

    • savorydish said

      I’ve given up dating for now. Still attracting nutjobs though.

      • Been there done that said

        Hi, I have been through all of the postings back through 2010 and easily identified with a lot of it. My last 3 exes were cluster b, my most recent breakup 4 months ago. Luckily I was only with her 8 months before I left which shows great progress. I am talking to women, but still grieving the loss, while she of course is already in a relationship (with a man who will undoubted with be an abuser or a doormat, if he is not an abuser she will draw it out of him) as she was looking online immediately after the break up. Hatred of her father, irrational anger toward minor nonsensical events, projection, lying, putting down strangers, trying to put me down, baiting , controlling behavior, shopping addictions, alcohol use, claims of domestic violence with an ex on our first date, etc etc the list goes on. It has taken me years to fully understand the red flags and the dysfunction of these women, and how they are similar to primary female caregivers in my life as a child. When she was lucid the relationship was amazing and fun which is why it was so hard to leave especially after the idealization love bombing phase. . I have found I am not “attracting” cluster b’s. I attract all kinds of women. I was simply ignoring red flags early on. If you want to label it “attracting” it is because they are out of control and know it on some level and seek a kind stable “caregiver”, but repel it at the same time. The stable qualities are great tools and gifts and should be shared only with those who are worthy and only in moderation. So they are attracted to you for these good qualities. They want something you have. Beautiful and charismatic, it is easy to ignore red flags. In this story, your first date, she was hours late and hungover. Yet you continued to date her. You give her 15 minutes then leave. You showed you were willing to put up with bad behavior from the beginning, a mistake I myself have made. You should have simply moved on, just as I should have when I noticed the first red flags. This is taking responsibility for my role. I appreciate all you have been through with cluster b abuse as I myself have seen it all. But only when we take responsibility for our role and leave as soon as things go south can we take out power back and prevent this from happening. You set very firm intolerable behaviors and as soon an one is broken they are gone. I have had this happen only to be pulled in with “I’m sorry, i was unreasonable” etc but it is hoovering and only an act to later do the same thing again. I no longer care take,or “white knight”. I was setting limits, standing up for myself, and saying “no” in the relationship early on which of course she did not like and led to conflict. When you stop the care taking and putting up with bullshit you will start attracting women who want to give more and actually want to take care of you (in a reciprocal healthy way). Beautiful woman get away with a lot in this world and too many men put up with bad behavior for the sake of dating a hot woman (or not to be alone). Rescuers have an agenda as you know, to feel needed and important to keep the other person from leaving. When you need no one but yourself, you can be free to leave and the first indication of trouble because you know you are fine by yourself. Best of luck on your journey.

      • savorydish said

        You are a hundred percent right. I did allow her to treat me badly and gave her too many chances. It’s hard to say what the initial attraction was though. Maybe it was body language. Maybe it was all the attention I showered upon her. Maybe it was the way I made her feel special. But I have learned, over the course of many relationships, that these relationships are not to be taken seriously. I can see progress in how quickly I am able to get over them now, but I am still attracting these women. Just this last week, I met a handful of women who fit this profile exactly. I can sense their vibe and they can sense mine. It happens in an instant. It will be a long time before I can shake this vibe.

      • savorydish said

        And yes, I don’t attract cluster B’s exclusively. But I’m sure you can agree that the attraction to these particular women is strong. It goes both ways.

  2. Not with stupid! said

    We all do…..hard to wash the stink off and they smell it.

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