The Trouble with Anna

January 23, 2017

When I met Anna, I was drawn to her child-like wonder and openness. She seemed to have so much energy for life. But, like all the women I attract, there was another side to that same coin. That childish nature had a dark side.

Our first date was very telling. She was hours late and never bothered to text me. When she did arrive, she said she was hungover.  This would not be the first time she was flaky and unapologetic. It was assumed that I would tolerate her flakiness. But it only made me look elsewhere for love.

She would later get upset because she found out that I was dating another woman during our first month of dating. I did so because I couldn’t take either one seriously. Both were flaky.  And I have learned that is a sure sign of an unstable mind and personality- one that is loving, one minute, and callous just months later.

She would often crawl into my arms like a cat, just to feel my embrace. One could easily mistake this for love. All my friends did. But she, like all my exes, took love away as quickly as she gave it. Troubled women know how to make you feel loved. But they are just going through the motions. I was skeptical from the very beginning, because I knew what to expect.

Unfortunately for her, I was a different man when I met her. I no longer gave my heart to a woman without reservation. It was this reservation that drove her mad. Or rather, it revealed her madness. By the time I met her, I was well-read on the topic of personality disorders. She didn’t like this either. My knowledge of disordered people gave her concern. Her concern, in turn, gave me more reservation. Because, had she been more supportive of what I had been through with other troubled women, I might have been more willing to dive in. 

But something about her, kept me out of the pool. The more I got to know Anna and her past, the more I saw commonalities between her and my BPDex. Anna may not have been as troubled as my BPDex, but she had her own set of issues… Her own triggers. Growing up in a family that struggled with alcoholism and infidelity, left deep scars with Anna. She was always doubting the affection I showed her… Always reading my emails and questioning my relationship with other women.

Every time she felt insecure, she would block my number and put up the Wall of Silence. And every time she did that, I became more distant and doubtful that the relationship would last. This was normal for her. It was not unusual for her family members to cut off contact. Her own father kicked her out of the house because he didn’t like the guy she was dating. When I heard these stories, I knew what I was dealing with. I knew why she was so flaky.  Flakiness is a form of sabotage. People, who fear intimacy, instinctually push others away when they get too close… Or when they fear they aren’t worthy of your love. 

In the end, she was the one who cheated on me. But instead of confessing and showing remorse, she felt like she had good reason to cheat on me. Like my BPDex, she hated what her father had done to her. Like my BPDex, she was too much of a coward to punish or confront her father. So instead, she punished me for her father’s wrongdoings. This is the MO of a Man Hater. They are always seeking someone to punish for terrible things that were done to them long, long ago.

Sex was an important part of our relationship. Unlike, my other exes, Anna didn’t have weird sexual hang-ups or triggers. She loved sex as much as I did. We would sometimes spend all day having sex. But once again, there was another side to this coin. Anna loved sex so much, she had sex with another man while I was on a business trip. She says she doesn’t have BPD, but her fear of abandonment is real and strong.  So when I left for my trip, she took that as abandonment.

Like all troubled women, sex was used as bait and a reward for being a good codependent. But if I didn’t give her 24/7 attention, she would punish me by having sex with another man.  Like my BPDex, she had trouble keeping it in her pants. This is how a Man Hater stabs you in the back. They do it with glee and pride, suppressing all shame. Man Haters come from families where loved ones treat each other horribly. But nobody talks about the Elephant in the Room. Because that would be cause for concern. 

All signs pointed to Anna being another Hit and Run Artist. Like my BPDex, she was a perpetual runaway.  As soon as she detected possible rejection, the wall went up. Nothing could get to her behind that wall. She wanted me to beg her back. But I wanted none of that. I was over it. I had been down this road too many times to care. I had developed my own defenses and much thicker skin. I was actually surprised by how easy it was for me to get over Anna. 

This is what they have collectively done to me. They pushed me away to the point where I don’t even care anymore. I no longer struggle to win people back.  Once the wall goes up, I write that person off and thank them for wasting my time.

A Narcissist’s Prayer

January 17, 2017

That didn’t happen.

And if it did, it wasn’t that bad.

And if it was, that’s not a big deal.

And if it is, it is not my fault.

And if it was, I didn’t mean it.

And if I did.

You deserved it.

-Source Unknown

I hope all my troubled exes read this.

So how many of you would take relationship advice from someone who has Borderline Personality Disorder? Anybody? No?

Well, it seems my BPD Ex is now in the business of giving relationship advice to young women. Instead of demonizing men for hard-hitting feminist magazines, she has switched to a lighter approach… Demonization with a side of giggles and girly talk… Feminism with a light, creamy frosting. Sady Doyle has also had success going after a younger, more naive audience… An audience that is less likely to know what a mentally ill person sounds like. So it doesn’t surprise me that my ex is following her lead.

In her piece, she instructs the young and naive to ask 8 questions to figure out if they are indeed dating a jerk. If you’ve been keeping up with my stories about my BPDex, I know the irony of this is not lost on you. Because nowhere in this article does she talk about personality disorders or the fear of intimacy. Instead, she advises people to ask shallow questions to figure out if you have things in common. 

Guess what? If your date has BPD, you don’t want to have anything in common with her. You don’t want her to be attracted to you, because that means you are giving off the scent of a codependent. The only questions, you should be asking her, are questions that determine whether or not she has such a disorder.

I found this article to be enlightening because it’s more evidence that my ex has no idea how screwed up she is. Even worse, she actually thinks she is an expert on relationships. It has never occurred to her that her relationships failed because she was the jerk.