The Rise of the Narcissist

April 3, 2016

I rarely use this blog to talk about politics. But one can not watch the media circus surrounding a certain GOP candidate and not notice the redflags of NPD. The narcissist isn’t that much different than a borderline. Comorbidity between the two is not rare. Dig into the narcissist’s past and you will find childhood wounds and plenty of chaos. A quick Google will reveal that this particular candidates’s brother died of alcoholism at a young age. And where you find alcoholism, you will find childhood wounds and plenty of chaos. 

You don’t need to be a psychologist to see the signs that are there for the whole world to see. And while I fear for the future of this nation, it is an opportunity to point out the dangers of untreated personality disorders. The attention whore feeds off attention, they crave it like we crave food. The narcissist can be a charismatic leader, but one that leads his followers/enablers to destruction. See Nazi Germany, Jonestown and Waco, Texas. Those born of pain are damned to spread that pain like a disease. Their rise is as quick as their fall. 
Attention whores are master manipulators. They employ melodrama to manipulate people. By manipulating popular opinion… By creating a false public image… They are able to avoid detection.

We live in a society where attention whores command a great deal of attention, thanks in large part to the rise of social media. We’ve become a global society of enablers, looking for hope in false gods. We’ve lost our way. So much so, we follow blindly. We look for outward expressions of success, but fail to see what is behind the emerald curtain.

If you point out a narcissist’s pathology, they will play the victim and claim you are delusional… Crazy. They will threaten you with lawsuits and foam at the mouth. They will unleash toxic emotions upon you, stored up since birth. They will unleash their minions upon you… Legions of crazy people doing their dirty work.

24 Responses to “The Rise of the Narcissist”

  1. chump said

    Ah….npd runs deep on both sides. A liar/gaslighter as in ” no one died in Libya” and a full case of dementia against a classic npd…..all three change the facts to suit the story.

    We are doomed……lepovec.cl.com@gmail.com

  2. aa said

    hello.
    thank u, for creating this space and allowing it to grow into what some might describe as its fated purpose (is food, not life itself … 🙂

    the immense wisdom, comfort and community found throughout the comments are a testiment to the purity of love that is able to turn pain into a teachable moment for all.

    as I work through being blocked and erased by a guy I thought I knew, trusted and love … I feel safe here.
    and, have been coming here each night to take in a little more as I am able.

    thanks 🙂

    • savorydish said

      Thank you. And welcome to this safe place.

      • aa said

        hi.
        I’m struggling with so many feelings (heartbreak/anger/broken trust/compassion/guilt) as I try and accept and move on from this guy. It’s my first experience with someone that I realize highly likely has bpd (undiagnosed).

        would you be willing to give me your advice?

        I think at some point it might be helpful to share my story, probably belongs in the “split black” post comment section. but I first need to get free, and I’m stuck mentally/emotionally.

      • savorydish said

        First, know that feeling stuck and emotionally confused is normal. Give yourself that relief of knowing that you’re not alone. Secondly, give yourself the gift of time. Recovery requires giving yourself emotional distance to breath. Start with basics- take care of yourself physically. Get sleep and eat something. Take deep breaths when you feel like you are going to implode. Take lots of walks. If you’re not ready to spend time with friends and family, that’s ok. Give yourself that space and alone time. Write down your feelings and your memories so it has some place to go. This will help you gain perspective and make sense of it all. Read all you an on this topic. This will also give you perspective and make sense of it all. Find people who have been through the same experience. Either here or another forum. This will lessen the load that you feel on your mind. Eventually, re-connect with family and friends for support and love. Try to stay away from relationships as you are still vulnerable. Being vulnerable makes you easy pickings for another troubled soul. Find your own inner strength. So that when the next one does come your way, you will be strong enough to let go and walk away.
        Take care of yourself and be kind to yourself,
        SD

      • Tom said

        Savorydish, Tom again, can you contact me directly…yes the one from northern Europe.

      • savorydish said

        Hey Tom,
        Sorry, I don’t maintain my email for this account anymore. What can I help you with?

  3. aa said

    thank you for such loving support and wise directives toward self-care. i will carry all as my map moving forward.

    i realize that my request for advice from you should have been more specific (apologies, i didn’t want to be presumptuous and thrust it on you)

    i’ll try to cut to the chase –

    i was “split black” after a harrowing crisis of need one weekend last september by my undiagnosed BPD almost-bf.
    of course i didn’t know any of this at the time

    i just knew that it was something ….beyond normal.

    i realize now (thank you SD) that for the past six months i’ve been slogging through the sea of his dysfunction trying to get back to “white”, and he finally reached out saying that he was thinking that he wanted to “try again”.

    of course, unsurprisingly, his warped thought pattern sabotaged things yet again when some innocuous text exchange triggered his recurrent complaint (that i want too much from him – by wanting him to be open about his feelings, or simply his day. lol : “maybe me being me isn’t open. ever think about that.”)

    he went on to basically end everything right then via text as his thoughts (fears) deduced that it will never work “too much confusion. too much stress”.

    this is where i need your advice.

    i stepped away from the text convo after an hour when he said something mean (about how he doesn’t even like me in the slightest. Where would this go … i don’t want to get married or waste your time).

    then at 2am, he sent me this:

    “No reply”

    “Thought so”

    “Typical”

    then, at 2:30am

    ” 🙂 Until…Never” (yes, he actually used a wink emoji)

    “Goodbye old friend”

    I didn’t see his texts until the next morning and replied. He blocked me everywhere. I have no way to contact him unless i go to his work or call from someone else’s phone which i have resisted out of a mix of self-respect, pride and fear of stalking. lol

    I also assumed that he would reach out and either apologize or pretend nothing happened but it’s been a month as of today.

    I realize I’ve just given you random bits – but does it translate how i feel stuck in this weird no-win trap. He pushes me away. then when i don’t reply to those texts at 2am he cuts me out of his life by assuming i’m abandoning him. then, blocks me so i can’t resolve the misinterpretation.

    i care for him deeply, and truly think he may (most likely) have BPD. plus, i miss him so much.

    He’s younger than me by a decade (he’s in his 20’s). He seems to have a solid level of self-awareness when he’s not in a triggered state. he’s this strong athlete who’s also nerdy, deep thinking, sensitive and sweet – and, when triggered he’s callous, punitive, verbally abusive and emotionally withholding. his childhood was filled with violence and abuse.

    It’s been push/pull for the better part of the 1 1/2 years. After one of his exits he began therapy (made it 6 sessions). He admitted to me that he’s emotionally damaged, doesn’t trust easily and pushes people away if they get too close. He told me in the past that he’s ruined everything good he ever has going for himself and was trying not to do that with us.

    I feel guilty and sad that he feels i “abandoned” him. Plus, i miss him.

    What do I do here?

    And, do i mentioned BPD if we ever speak.

    • savorydish said

      Your experience is almost identical to everyone who has visited this blog. It’s good that he’s in therapy. But don’t kid yourself and think that is a reason to get back together with him. It will take at least 7 years, before he is in any shape to date again. I know you think telling him about BPD will be the missing piece in the puzzle. It’s not. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve told someone I think they might have BPD. It will make them hate you even more. You think you’re doing them a favor. But to them, it feels like you are hurting them. The truth hurts. But for someone as damaged at BPs, the pain is ten times worse. Focus on you. And let him focus on himself. That relationship was never meant to me. Focus on getting better and then focus on finding someone who is healthy. You deserve it.

  4. aa said

    ok, yes…you are right.

    although there was this silent primordial scream from my heart when reading it “was never meant to be”…

    i’ve learned my co-dependence runs deep and determinedly strong. but it’s gotta go. plus, if i’m all about truth: i’m emotionally unavailable myself.

    i was hoping that if he heard about bpd that he’s still young enough to have a chance at a life. and, for him not to waste time with regular cognitive therapy instead of going straight to DBT.

    i’ve always chosen unavailable partners. i spent so much time in regular therapy – which translated to awesome insight but not much by way of practical growth towards dismantling my trust fears. i’ve burned through all my time it feels. fuck.

    you know, i’m a pacifist and once i was talking to him about his love of boxing (and why i loathe the sport) … but truly, why i abhor violence –

    THIS. ALL OF THIS.
    it’s why.

    all of us. both sides. scarred by violence in all its forms.

    my deepest held belief is that true connection with another is the essential human quest. i want to believe we are all trying our best to get there.

    thanks for being such a sweet, nurturing generous soul. xoxo

    • savorydish said

      You’re welcome. You said it yourself- You are connected through violence and emotional unavailability. Now that you know what the problem is, you can find a solution… A way to heal. Don’t think of your relationship as a waste of time. Think of it as the process you had to go through to discover yourself.

      • aa said

        it’s cloaked in pain right now, but it is growth, i feel it.

        it’s so crazy how beautifully twisted and interconnected we all are … you know the quote “when you’re ready to learn, a teacher appears” …. grazie, professor 🙂

        it’s late. sweet dreams.

  5. aa said

    it hurts so badly that he cut me out like that –

    ” 🙂 Until …never”

    it’s so fucking brutal that it’s almost liberating. lol

    and, so painfully sad. he told me once that i’m one of only people that truly cares about him.
    and, he erases me from his life.

    *Deep breath now*

    • savorydish said

      He doesn’t believe he deserves you. He knows he is damaged. But this is the nature of co-dependency. Both of you must find a way to heal and that can only begin with the break of the co-dependent bond. It is very brutal and cold. But that’s their primitive instinct… To cut people who get to close. Fight or flight. Heal your wounds and focus your thoughts and attention on yourself. You must be your best companion. Learn to stand tall on your own.

  6. aa said

    yes, he knows him the best.
    it began with —
    “would you ever give a guy like me a chance?”

    then, over time with each push/pull, came —

    “you deserve someone more put-together like yourself”
    “you can do better, so go do it”
    “you can’t love me, you don’t know me”
    “I have a cold soul and a black heart”

    i know, i know – Maya Angelou is cussing me out from heaven:
    *When people tell you who they are, believe them*

    ___

    your insight has been really helpful. i’ve been steeping in it since last night. even with the stuff i was aware of, it’s helpful to have you frame things with an eye toward healing. and, a me, separate from him. i keep re-starting a letter to him, but some part of me pulls me away from it.

    i read a good piece on trauma bonding this afternoon. i just learned of that concept recently, and its tie to co-dependence.

    i did a pretty good job holding my boundaries early on with him … but i realize i was in way over my head with the BPD, and fell into the toxic cycles of co-dependence.
    i want something healthy. i hope he finds it, too.

    i like what you said about us each needing to heal ourself on our own, and that it’s only possible once the toxic bond is broken. it’s a painful truth. but i’m accepting it.

    ___

    so, how are you doing? i’m so grateful for your thoughtful insight, and this space you created. i hope you are growing and healing and happy and healthy.

    • savorydish said

      I’m glad to hear it. You already sound like you’re in a place of acceptance.

      I’m in the same boat as you, dealing with feelings of betrayal. The only difference is I’ve been through it multiple times. But with each inferno, my skin gets tougher and the recovery time shortens.

      Each crazy relationship is a little less crazy than the one before, so there’s that.

      But I always put the focus back on me and learn to appreciate being on my own.

  7. aa said

    i’m glad you’re doing ok personally…having the strength and resolve to focus on you and be content on your own really is key. it’s so not easy.

    i’ve been so angry, the last couple days especially. i know it’s a natural part of grieving but still annoying. i’m mad at him for all his lies / withholding and, at myself for believing them. i think it’s what hurts me most (more than even the overt outbursts of verbal abusive) because it feels like they were willful acts of selfishness.
    outside of the disorder.

    plus, it’s astonishing and sobering to learn how identical the beats of my relationship mirror everyone else’s. there’s no way this isn’t a legitimate disorder. and, it’s not exclusive to hyper sexual drama girls – mine is a guy without histrionic displays or physical violence towards me (i think he’s closer to the waif-type). but every dysfunctional relationship landmark is there. learning this has been a strange mix of comfort and indignation … realizing that i wasn’t special…the hollowness in that.

    ok, i know i’m rambling … hope you’re having a good evening

  8. Mi-tatsu said

    After 5 years of ‘suffering’ at the hands of a Undiagnosed yet self aware Bpd i can concour with all the SD writes i’ve finally broken free of the F.O.G and firstly saw my own failings that allowed her to play out her same ol same ol script (i found her diary from 20yrs ago and boom its all there) the best bit of advice i heard was ‘when someone shows you their real self believe them the first time’ i’m on the road to recovery myself from mt co-dependant traits and i thank her for setting me free within myself…a hard lesson learned is the best lesson to learn 🙂

  9. Junkanoo said

    Hope you are ok SD…..and not wrapped up in another psycho sandwich.

    • savorydish said

      I am well. Thank you for asking. Trying to stay single for awhile.

      • Dougout said

        Good plan. And it works. Been single for 3 years now. Living where the crazy one always said we would move but she was mirroring. And i have the job that was my life goal. Paid off all the debts and i do date now and then. Now that i have standards again i won’t be someone’s life raft again. Not my job. Many crazies out in tech land. I have no time for sob stories or assumed superiority complexes now and will not abide them. “Feets do your stuff”.

        I look for a challenging woman. One that challenges me to be my best….not fit her mold. No victim, no ruler. Been there. I hope you post again SD. It is like a morgue in here.

      • savorydish said

        Thanks for the concern and the ongoing support man. Yeah, I took a break from blogging to focus on my life. But I’ve got some thoughts that need to be posted. Soon.

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