The Thin Line Between Love and Hate Revisited

February 14, 2016

Believe it or not, this started off as a food blog. But after my traumatic experience with my BPD ex, it quickly turned into an exploration for answers. My eyes have been opened and with each troubled woman I come into contact with, I become more aware of the disorder that has affected many.

That funny cat video above is a good metaphor for what it’s like to be in a relationship that starts off with extreme affection and then takes a sudden turn. You know you are with an emotionally unstable soul when unconditional love turns into inexplicable hostility. 

This is a woman who has a fully-charged payload. Explosive reactions are often triggered by memories of her troubled past. You remind her of someone that she use to know and she means to take revenge against those who caused her so much pain.

These women are walking atomic bombs. Do not be fooled by the cuddling and the spooning. At any moment, that turns into backstabbing… a hit and run. Daddy’s little girl was spoiled with affection. But that affection took a dark turn. What that turn may have been is locked away in the attic of her mind… in some dark corner of her heart.

I owe some thanks to my BPD ex. There were troubled women before her and, sadly, after her. But she was the one that helped me fill in the blank. I am finally able to see the pattern of behavior that connects one relationship with another. I can now explain what seems quite puzzling to anyone who has experienced this sudden and dramatic shift from love to hate. 

I have even found others with identical experiences. And that has had its own healing effect. Because the biggest scar these vampires leave is the wound of making you think it was somehow your fault. So if you are wondering why the woman, who showered you with so much affection, is now clawing your face and blocking all contact, you will know why. Knowing why is the first step of the healing process. It’s your consolation prize. It won’t feel like it at first, but knowing why helps you learn why you make the choices you do. It helps connect the dots and helps you figure out your own past.

14 Responses to “The Thin Line Between Love and Hate Revisited”

  1. chump said

    Well written as always SD. Have you seen the movie “Knock Knock” with Keanu Reeves yet? Just watched it last night. Kind of a scared straight for guys wondering what they are dealing with. I am past the “crazy days” now but this movie went right down my checklist for get the hell out.

  2. olaf said

    Thanks SD…I did understand your lines more than any health or government website (that’s just me…good stuff about borderline and mental healt is out there…and there is your G.P. too!!)
    and so I could move on from my trodden heart.

    My experience is not even get spider webbed in a conversation again…but than you get laughs thrown back at you (after 1.5 years that is)…the mind knows…and the heart is still paying the price for those unforgettable hours.

    So thanks again, and I say it with the words of a favorite songwriter of mine..I’m glad I’ve found you (then) even he did mean something different je olde Neil Young 😉

    Cheers and all the best cobba!

  3. Marie said

    SD,
    I always wondered about “Savory Dish” and the connection with BPD. Thanks again for being here and NOT blogging about food. You have (and will) helped so many more people with the blog the way it is.
    I find it interesting that when cats become overstimulated by positive things…things they love…they turn violent and that it does correlate to what happens with a person who has BPD.
    I thank God all the time that my mother didn’t live to see “Gone Girl” or read it. My mom had a Master’s Degree in being a BPD but had she seen “Gone Girl” she would have had a Doctorate.
    Thanks again and keep on blogging!
    Love and hugs,
    Marie

    • savorydish said

      Marie,
      Always good to hear from you. Thank you for being a constant source of support.

      I had no idea that cats could be overstimulated with petting. But it makes so much sense when speaking about people who are hypersensitive. I’ve dated a lot of cat owners so I definitely see similarities in their feline personalities.

      Although most of my exes couldn’t get enough of my affection. They became angry addicts that lashed out if they did not receive the usual dose of love.

      I haven’t seen Gone Girl yet. I’ll have to put it on my watchlist.

  4. jimsc said

    Oh I know this is wrong but debbie childs in pickens sc makes this look pale

  5. naples104 said

    Yes they all start with the flood of affection that is so good but we know it cannot be this good this fast, huge red flag. However the co-dependent target of these sick creatures craves that love that is a rush like a line of coke. At the end of every one of these stories is the same crash and burn, love turns to hate because they cannot face the pain of the abandonment that they have experienced in the past likely as children and fear they will experience with you, so its easier for them to hate you. So they split and black you out. The first thing you have to do when this happens to you is get help from an experienced therapist that knows about cluster B and BPD. The second is stay with therapy and read about what is wrong with you and why you picked this person, or you will do it again. I did it twice and suffered badly financially and emotionally. I hope never to make the mistake again. Thanks SD for the air time.

    • savorydish said

      Thank you for you valuable input. Every thing you say is true. I can confirm your truths because every single troubled relationship followed the same exact pattern of intense love followed by a quick departure that left me licking my own wounds.

      They are definitely reacting to the fear of abandonment. I never getting tired of repeating that because it sounds like something someone made up. But it is so real. And I am compelled to repeat this truth until the world accepts it as scientific FACT. And not just the silly delusions of a jaded lover.

      Those afflicted by this irrational fear will deny it until the very end. They don’t want to admit the fault is with them. They would rather blame you and move on to the next victim. Admitting they are a vampire would mean they would have to take responsibility for their destructive ways.

      Toxic man-haters lack the character to take ownership of their toxic ways. There memories of their traumatic childhood are too vivid for them to live normally. To take ownership would mean they would have to abstain from relationships. And they won’t allow that. They are convinced they can make it work with someone else.

      The point of having this blog is to be a constant reminder to those who harmed me why this tactic will never work… Why they will never find the One… Why they will never find peace until they fix what was broken long before they met me.

  6. naples104 said

    SD the sad thing for them is most of them cannot be cured. There are no meds that cure this. The therapy they would have to agree to is long and tedious and would require a willingness to travel a path that is 180 degrees away from their current assessment of their life. Some start the process and quit, then hate the therapist. We on the other hand, can be cured. We have been injured in some way that allowed these unconscious actors to quickly become part of our lives and then we become addicted to them, like a drug. We crave their affection until we learn that we are really craving something that was lacking else where in our lives, generally much earlier on, we are not craving them. We just want a void filled and they slide in like an avalanche and present a beautiful serenity after the snow settles. Under that serenity is the power of adult anger and ruthless revenge as soon as you get too close. Then you discover you have been buried in their avalanche to dig out with a tea spoon. If you have been the victim of a BPD or three, get help, read study, talk it out. See if you are saving people in your relationships, that is a very unhealthy relationship. All the best and thanks for sharing your thoughts SD.

    Tom

  7. sammy said

    if you notice the cats never did engage with the human,she/he amused the cat for a time.When that period of amusement ended for the cat, so did patience for the person providing it.

    The mistake is to believe that there was anything there in the first place.These creatures cannot return affection. They are not wired to.They are predators who have no sense of empathy.Prey is prey.Mice can be played with,but they are still mice.

    so when you look back on these relationships with cat like people, learn from them how to spot the feline personality.Get past the self pitying blame game.They are worthy of some interest,but never ever feel you can get close to them..Curiously thats what makes you more interesting to them… if you want to play their game and win…just dont get sucked in..and if you do…blame yourself..

    • Marie said

      Sammy,
      I love you and respect what you have been through. I am proud of you for overcoming being treated worse than anyone deserves. I am a dog person and have had many wonderful dogs so far in my lifetime but I currently have 3 Siamese cats (my first cats ever). I must respectfully disagree with you. Cats CAN return affection and can love humans. It’s true that they are predators and closer to being lions than most dogs are to being wolves. Cats are more wild than dogs, much more territorial (including about their favorite human) and if they had to they could survive without humans because of their hunting instincts. All cats play with other cats by pretending to stalk each other as they would with prey to keep those hunting skills honed and ready.
      I can tell you that Siamese in particular NEED their people. They are the closest breed to dogs. They play fetch and are happiest when with their people. I have 2 females and a male and I have been studying them for 7 years total now. When you pet a dog (again most dogs not all) you could do that endlessly and the dog never gets tired of it. They ADORE you and would die for you (well some breeds not all). Cats are wired differently. They get “overstimulated” from too much pleasure from petting and they don’t know how to handle it. My 2 girl cats might try to bite me gently or swat me with their paw to stop me from petting them but my little guy just walks away. When they do this I tell them this is 1 reason why dogs are better. If an intruder broke into the house all the cats would hide (the hell with what happens to me) but many dog breeds would not defend me either unless that type of behavior is part of their makeup. I have had mostly beagles or beagle mixes and they would welcome an intruder and happily make friends if possible.
      All 3 of my cats have each other to play with, however, if I am home all they want is to be in my presence. I get kitty kisses and affection all the time, not just when it’s time to eat. The male always comes to thank me after I have fed him his meal something none of my dogs, male or female, ever did. Also, 2 of them have to have individual cuddle time with me before I can go to sleep at night. They are not allowed to sleep with me in my room unlike my dogs because when cats feel the need to give you affection they will wake you up to do it.
      The correlation of cats with people who have BPD is not that they are unable to love, because they all CAN love…it’s the prickly side that can come out (and in some cases abusive when talking about BPD). A cat who truly loves you will never do anything to hurt you on purpose. A BPD who loves you WILL do things to hurt you on purpose and make you abandon them. Learning to love cats is much less dangerous and much easier than loving someone with BPD for the rest of your life. Cats are not psychopaths like many BPD’s, they are just closer to their wild side. BPD’s CAN and DO love…but mostly other people with BPD and their children. They are so afraid of being abandoned by you that they constantly do things to test you….if they REALLY love you. If they don’t love you then they treat you like crap pretty much constantly. Remember, they have extremely low self esteem and so they try to make themselves feel better by making others feel bad (like bullies).
      We only saw a brief moment with the cats in the video. Cats who live together fight to be “top cat” every single day. I have seen this at home. One minute they get along great and the next minute one wants to be the only one on the couch and goes from washing the other cats face to kicking it off the couch. The people didn’t seem to interact with the cats but were amused by what happened. This does not amuse me, I actually break up their little battles at home. Perhaps there is something wrong with the people who recorded the video since they feel that their cats fighting is funny.
      Perhaps those of us who prefer dogs can learn something about ourselves through our feelings about dogs and cats. Do we like clingy and extremely affectionate people? Dogs are extremely clingy and affectionate (and certain cats too until overstimulated). Do we prefer our own space from time to time?
      Sorry, this probably too lengthy!
      Love and hugs,
      Marie

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