Pikro’s Shame

July 20, 2015

A recent visitor by the name of Pikro had some words to share with me. He was concerned about the women being shamed in this blog. He didn’t like the way I analyzed people and then he proceeded to analyze me. It seems odd to me that someone, who has a problem with shaming one set of people, has no problem shaming someone else. 

I’ve had white knights come here before offering their “concern”. These enablers almost always fit the same profile. They are so concerned about protecting the good name of toxic women. But yet they have no concern for those affected by such toxicity.

An enabler is motivated by ego. It makes them feel good to be the protector. They like feeling morally superior because it flatters their ego. Some consider themselves activists. They travel in circles where they know there are women to be saved. Pikro admits to having friends who share the toxic qualities described in this blog. No doubt he may know someone I have dated or someone just like her. 

If he really wanted to save these women, he would be out crusading to get these women the help they need. He would understand that the shame, that these women feel, doesn’t necessarily come from this blog. It comes from the way they’ve treated loved ones. But enablers never see that. They don’t feel comfortable placing blame on toxic women. It feels like victimization. They have been conditioned to buy the damsel-in-distress narrative.

He claims this blog isn’t normal. No it’s not. Such relationships are very abnormal. And people talking about such relationships is even more rare because people like Pikro attempt to shame them for doing so.  

Awareness is never a bad thing. But certain people have an interest in keeping such things under wraps. 

You better believe my exes are doing their best to keep their illness a secret. If you think they are freely giving out full disclosures to all the men they bring to bed, think again. My BPD ex sent friends and family to silence me. And when they failed, she sent an army of psychotic activists. They all failed to shame me and they failed to realize that, even if this blog did not exist, the truth would still be out there. 

With each man, my exes have fooled into thinking they are normal, more witnesses are added to the list. My BPD ex married a man who was my biggest critic. He now knows the truth. He had to learn the hard way. Science and testimonies of the fallen back up what enablers seek to keep silent. It’s in Pikro’s best interest to maintain the narrative that allows him to keep playing the white knight. But it’s in everyone’s interest to know the story of toxic women. 

21 Responses to “Pikro’s Shame”

  1. Robert said

    Hi Savory,

    You are right on the money. I know because I was the white knight you speak of. You can probably say I was a Pikro. We all (that were white knights or still are) know that people like Pikro were pushed by their abnormal partner to counter your very valuable info you put out to all of us victims. Keep up the great work. You enlighten us all with your valuable information. This valuable information may save someone out there from unnecessary pain. My hat’s off to you sir!


  2. Felix said

    You have brought up something extremely interesting, something that I have been mulling over myself, and ironically, “Bob” (above) has added to this. I hope I can be succinct enough yet capture the essence of this notion. There is an irony of sorts that highlights the ‘black and white’ thinking that on the surface, is more often than not, ascribed to those people who are afflicted with a PD such that they are felt to hurt others (us). This is also representative of the dyad between two people in relation to one another, so, it is also then possible that the partner (victim or survivor, take your pick) also may fall into that trap. The blame-game then begins and it is here that I feel it gets very sticky for all parties involved. When we are hurt, we become polarized and the more extreme we are to began with, either as someone with an undiagnosed or untreated PD, or alternately, the codependent (‘white knight’) partner, the greater the repulsion and difficulty in healing. In order to be healthy, we require healthy boundaries and self/other compassion and empathy, but when we are hurt, we ALL seem to foist the blame elsewhere. We all wish to protect our ego, but we can become trapped there without knowing it, and the ‘white knight’ in each of us becomes self-righteous and bloated, and in so doing, we lost our compassion and boundaries. It is so easy to try to simplify the experience in order to lessen the pain of the grey zone, and paint them the devil, while we are the victims… We lose our flexibility and we deny ourselves the opportunity to yes, feel victimized, but then to also move into compassion, and to hold all of that as part of the experience. This is extremely difficult to put words to, but I do think that it is far too easy to take the position of the high moral ground while perhaps not quite being as squeaky clean as we might wish to be…. if we are truly being honest with ourselves… in my humble opinion.

    So, no shame from me here. Shame is a directional attempt to off load bad feelings in ways that are learned and extremely toxic. Another part of the discussion moves to levels of self-awareness for everyone involved. Is denial such a deep defense in these cases that it must be accepted without any further accountability? Perhaps someone can choose to pick up on this, or not.

    Thank you for continuing the dialogue.

    • savorydish said

      The battle is between the non who needs his pain acknowledged. And the toxic woman who needs to run away and hide aka running from responsibility. Accountability is non-existent when that person is in deep denial. And you are left holding onto the emotional baggage.

  3. Wow what can I say @ Savorydish , I read it ,I felt it , it’s the total truth what you have written . Who or what fool would even want to debate the point . Thanks for this post I’ve always wanted a solid post on enablers ! Now we have it !

    Thanks SavoryDish

  4. jimmiemashburn said

    booi Sent via the Samsung GALAXY S®4, an AT&T 4G LTE smartphone

  5. Marie said

    I was thinking as I read his comments that perhaps he also is BPD. Reading this blog has certainly upset others who felt the need to bash both it and you and I always thought “I think thee protest too much”. We have freedom of speech here so any time someone tries to squash the healing that happens here it makes me wonder why they are protesting so much.
    We still need you on Ellen or CNN or somewhere to wake people up. I’m on standby as your public relations expert…by the way I’m also fluent in Spanish so you could reach even more people!
    Keep up the great work!

    • savorydish said

      Haha. You are still my biggest fan, Marie. That’s interesting that you thought he was BPD. Although, he was fairly calm and collected in his demeanor. Albeit a little condescending. Whereas most BPs come here guns a blazing.

  6. chump said

    What, if some day or night a demon were to steal after you into your loneliest loneliness and say to you: ‘This life as you now live it and have lived it, you will have to live once more and innumerable times more’ … Would you not throw yourself down and gnash your teeth and curse the demon who spoke thus? Or have you once experienced a tremendous moment when you would have answered him: ‘You are a god and never have I heard anything more divine.

    Friedrich Nietzsche

    We live this life when sucked into the vortex. Only through better judgement can we avoid a repeat.

  7. chump said

    Here is the quote I was really looking for:

    One must not let oneself be misled: they say ‘Judge not!’ but they send to Hell everything that stands in their way.

    Friedrich Nietzsche

    You get the picture

  8. OC said

    Prescient as always, friend.

    You may remember my story from a few months ago. I’ve since become aware of multiple other men my former partner victimized and one of my biggest obstacles in warning people of her patterns is how many of them either are or know someone like Pikro. Still haven’t decided if it’s worth reaching out to them, but I know how many Pikros will be in my way if I decide to make that jump.

    • savorydish said

      Thanks, OC. Good luck with that.

      • OC said

        Thanks, brother. Whatever course of action I decide upon, I’m sure I’m going to need it.

        But if it prevents one more person from going through what the four of us (and counting) went through from her, well, that’s a risk worth taking.

        Keep fighting the good fight.

  9. femmegirl311 said

    This blog has helped me immensely in understanding my now ex girlfriend. I am a woman as well, and the first month with her was pure bliss. Then her alcoholism and lying came to a head. She told everyone we were getting married, and turned around and dumped me out of the blue. I have been trying to make sense of it ever sense. These things need to be talked about, and I am glad there are other blogs that encourage people to think about themselves rather than the individual with the disorder. What happened to me was awful, to have someone say they no longer love you, when two day before then did, and you were going on your first vacation together is nuts. Thanks again for what you!

    • savorydish said

      You’re welcome. Our stories are always similar. Usually these damaged people freak out right before or after an important event or trip. This is the fear of intimacy rearing its ugly head.

      • femmegirl311 said

        Yes and she lost her job recently. That is what set off her drinking more, but honestly I think it was just an excuse. She was so bad at the end that she was getting drunk and going to work, as she got laid off because the company closed. Now I am in recovery myself, two and a half years sober. Her Mom is a substance abuse counselor, she had all she needed to get help, and she did not. She lies to everyone. Her image is what she is mostly concerned about. What would people think?

        You do wonderful work, and I am so happy this blog is out here. I am lucky it was only two months of my life. But from what everyone tells me she will be back. I will keep using this blog to keep me strong,

        Also what fits the bill she is a hardcore feminist and bisexual as well. Look I love bi girls, as I prefer femme women like myself when dating, but a lot of them have these issues because they do not have a core. They flip between men and women.

        Lastly, what is hardest is I still cannot convince my brain that I don’t love her anymore, which I think is healthy in a way that I can’t just flip a switch like she can. Insane she spent $500 on my ticket only to dump me four days before we left siting she didn’t love me anymore, and never did! I am still like WTF, but beginning to understand it is her illness. That, in my opinion, does not excuse her behavior or lies. I am hoping after this to learn to spot them earlier and stay the hell away.

      • savorydish said

        It’s tough to break the pattern. But I hope you can too. She may or may no return. But others like her will be in your life.

  10. femmegirl311 said

    I can see what needs to worked on in me now. And it’s amazing to me people have found this blog offensive! As a non I think we need this. I feel so much better now, I am actually able to begin to believe it was not my fault. She coldness in her voice during the break up was very disturbing. When I asked how she could be so calm, she said she had been planning it awhile. Then unfriended me and blocked me a week after I went no contact. I did nothing to provoke. Sent zero messages and did not call her. What I need to realize is that no amount of trying to logically figure out what I did is going to work here. They do not think like us. Thanks again, and I will always defend your right to have your work here.

    • savorydish said

      Thank you, femme. It’s nice to hear after so many have criticized me and this blog. But then I have learned that this anger comes from someone being forced to look inward. They don’t like what they see.

      • femmegirl311 said

        Well just to show the different between someone disordered and a Non, when I was forced to look at my pattern and why I chose who I have it gave me comfort and a way to grow from it. I have good days and bad days. It’s only been two weeks since the break up but I went NC after the first night. This caused her to unfriend and block me on facebook, but I am so happy she did. As I remember the woman I was before her I can see my mistakes and learn and grow from them. Most of us here did not get the love we needed as a child so we look for it from an outside source. Validation and love must start from within. Does that mean I won’t fall for it again? Who knows, I hope not, but it will not make me jaded or leave me going back for more. I am choosing to break the cycle. Thanks again SD. I will be back on my weak days, and will always remember that this blog saved me from a lot more heartache.

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