The Similarities Between ACoA and BPD

May 26, 2015

http://www.angelfire.com/fl/Sumter/Acoa.html

Comparison of BPD (borderline personality disorder) with ACOA (adult children of alcoholics)
The following statements taken from the following 3 books shows the similarities between BPD and ACOA.

Children of Alcoholism, A Survivor’s Manual by Judith S. Seizes and Geraldine Youcha, Crown Publishers, NY 1985 AC
Borderline Personality Disorders, the Concept, the Syndrome and the patient by Peter Hartocollis, MD, Ph.D.; International Universities Press, Inc. 1977 PH
Borderline Personality Disorder by Dr. John G. Gunderson, American Psychiatric Press JG 


CONTROL

AC pg. 60: There are three kinds of control involved: the control other people have over them; the control they have over people and events; and the control they exert over their own bodies and minds.

JG pg. 88: …these acts are used to sustain a belief in the ability to exert omnipotent control over an object as well as to prevent the consequences of object loss.


ABANDONMENT

AC pg. 80 Any switch – a rained out picnic or a canceled appointment … will bring on hours of internal despair because these events are experienced as reenactments of scenes from a helpless childhood.

JG pg. 80: Borderline patients had much more separation, abandonment anxiety, object hunger and intolerant responses to feeling needy or angry.


SEXUAL PROBLEMS

AC pg. 49: …sexual identity problems…and may become an overeater.

JG pg. 9: Sexual deviance is highly related to impulsivity…

AC pg. 80: …confuse physical contact or sexual involvement with emotional warmth. They therefore become promiscuous, but with little satisfaction from the sexual wanderings.

I see this apparent more in Histrionic Personality Disorder, but histrionic 65% of Histrionic is BPD


BLACK/WHITE THINKING

AC pg. 63: … to see the world and the people in it fairy-tale fashion as all good or all bad.

JG pg. 179: The polarizations (good/bad, all/nothing, now/never) within borderline patients repeatedly evoke polarized responses from their environment.


PERSONAL COMMITMENTS

AC pg. 79: It does seem to be extraordinary for children of alcoholics to make long-term commitments, marriage included.

JG pg. 4: Devaluation, manipulation, dependency and masochism characterize and cause the intensity and instability of interpersonal relationships.


UNDEFINED BOUNDARIES

AC: Wish for closeness, yet fear it.

JG pg. 33: Two major organization and sustaining beliefs are: “Should I want more from you, or should I be angry at you, you will leave: and if I’m compliant, something will be given to me that will make me invulnerable and less destructive.”

Behind these conscious beliefs are concerns with the destructiveness of their own aggressive wishes to find a powerful protector. In any event, the basic tension between wanting more from the object and fearing that less will be received accounts for the sustained dysphoric characteristic of borderline functioning.

DEPENDENCE ON OTHERS

AC pg. 80: there are those who can’t tolerate being alone and therefore cling to friends, relatives, and just about anyone who happens to be around.

JG pg. 8: Borderline persons tend to be compulsively social because their sense of their own coherence and value depends on the presence of others.

JG pg. 97: …desperate to find someone, anyone, to “hold onto,” someone to feel in control of…

JG pg. 36: …is evident in the need to have people around — even if without any evident emotional contact, in using radio and television as hypnotics, or in heavy use of transitional objects.


DISSOCIATION – ANGER – DEPRESSION

AC pg. 170: …feelings of depression, uncontrollable anger, and incapacitating fears of disorientation.

JG pg. 9: In general, the occurrence of any mild or brief ego-dystonic psychotic-like experiences in the absence of severe, widespread psychotic symptoms at any time in the patient’s past life is a strong indicator for the borderline diagnosis.

JG pg. 3: …four characteristics identify what they called the “borderline syndrome.” These were (a) failures in self-identity, (b) anaclitic relationships, (c) a type of depression based on loneliness, and (d) the predominance of expressed anger.

JG pg. 86: …the depressions of borderline patients differed from other patients with depression by their impulses to hurt themselves.

JG pg. 16: Probably the most common form of affective disorder found in borderline patients is unipolar nonmelancholic depression.

JG pg. 103: …manipulative behaviors are often indirect expressions of anger…


LOW SELF ESTEEM

AC Have a low opinion of yourself

PH: They feel low, inadequate, or wrong.


SUICIDAL TENDENCIES
AC pg. 49: …most likely to kill himself, either accidentally or on purpose.

AC pg. 169: “Most people, when their car breaks down on the highway, either get out and fix it or call a mechanic. When my car had a flat tire, I called the suicide hot line.”
JG pg. 85: …suicide gestures emerge as one of the major discriminating characteristics of borderline patients…
JG pg. 86: Almost all the patients were involved in suicide threats, overdosing or self-mutilation.


FEAR OF EXPOSURE

AC: deny or suppress feelings 

AC: feel unnecessarily embarrasses and ashamed

JG pg. 169: …may cling to a pharmacotherapist because of a fearful reluctance to open their personal and interpersonal lives up for review.

13 Responses to “The Similarities Between ACoA and BPD”

  1. chump said

    Hey SD, I am pretty well over the damaged goods phase in my life. I still attract the crazy women but I think all good men do now in retrospect. Once I sense crazy I do not engage now……I even enjoy the invecitives hurled at me when I close the door on them. It is empowering.

    I wonder if you would start a thread about the last thing guys have said to their demon woman. A man’s response to an episode of crazy making shows his emotional health and dictates their future. It would be interesting and fill the spaces between your articulate observations. I can even start it for you.

    When mine texted “I don’t want anything to do with you” I saw the camel had its nose under the tent again. She texted that out of the blue and was no response to anything after a couple of months when I made no signs of reconciling. Open the door to the next Hoover was her plan. I texted back…..”Right…..whore.” and was free. She did cause a lot of scenes elsewhere and even got banned from the place we used to go. I found it amusing, all the reports I was getting in the aftermath.

    Think about it.

    • savorydish said

      My exes all said something similar to yours. My last words to all of them could literally fill this blog. As soon as I lay the truth before their eyes, they demonize me and devaluate me. That’s what they need to do to invalidate the truth. Were they wasted words? Who knows. I like to think my words haunt them to this day and mayb, years down the line, they will sink in.

  2. wiser1958 said

    Reblogged this on jdogren and commented:
    Hi Savory Dish My ex girlfriend has not been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and will not seek therapy. I have known her for over 30 years as a friend and dated her for 3 years. She called me out of the blue in 1994 to tell me that her boyfriend broke up with her because she got pregnant on purpose. She lived with him and he told her that he did not want children. She admitted to me back then that she got pregnant on purpose and he broke up with her. I asked her why if she wanted children and he didn’t, she would not just break up with him and find someone who wanted children. Fast forward to 2009 and she calls me out of the blue to ask me to dinner. I met her and she wanted me to sleep with her that evening which I did. After 5 months of dating, she gives me a marriage ultimatum. She fell in love with me fast and the love bombs were going off all over the place. After the marriage ultimatum, she would back off periodically ( 2 week cycles) but then show resentment for not having a ring. Things started going downhill from there. I used to bring her and her daughter dinner every night during the week and watch a movie together. She took away that privilege as well as sex until she had a ring on her finger. She did not realize that every time she would argue about not having a ring, that would be a setback. It seemed to me that she loved the idea of being married rather than loving me as a person. The pressure was immense. I loved her but I wanted to build a foundation of trust and friendship. It seems like we could never get there. I tried to get her to go to couples counseling but she would not go. She said that the only problem we had was that she did not have a ring on her finger. She then said she had enough with me and called up my best friend of over 25 years and started a smear campaign and seduced him. She barely even knew him. He is an alcoholic. I felt like I was loosing my mind so I went out and bought her the ring she always wanted. The result was her calling the police on me and filing a restraining order against me. She tried to get me to violate the restraining order by reaching out to me before the hearing but I remained no contact. I saved all her emails and proved her lies in court and the judge threw out the restraining order. Although I was vindicated in court, I am hurt that she would try to get me in trouble with the law. I never threatened her nor harassed her but merely tried to win her back with a marriage proposal. This does not make sense.

    I don’t know if she has bpd, histrionic, or is comorbid because she will not seek out a therapist. Even if she was diagnosed, it would be confidential information. Can you please give me your thoughts as to whether any of the events described above could exhibit a cluster b ? There is much more detail to the above story but I tried to condense it as best as I could. She told me so many times that she loved me more than anybody she has ever met. I actually believed her until the marriage ultimatum started consuming her. It appears that she idealized me, then devalued me, and split me black. I have remained no contact but found out that she is no longer with my ex friend but has found another replacement. If she loved me so much that she wanted to spend the rest of her life with me, why would she want to hurt me by calling the police and taking me to court? She is 54 years old and has never been married. The hearing was 3 months from the day that she filed the ex parte order and she could have cancelled it knowing that I was not bothering her. My attorney sent her a letter stating that I would never contact her again but it was unnecessary to take this matter to court. She still took it to court. I just want to make sense of all this. Your help would be greatly appreciated. Thanks, Jim

  3. wiser1958 said

    Hi Savory Dish My ex girlfriend has not been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and will not seek therapy. I have known her for over 30 years as a friend and dated her for 3 years. She called me out of the blue in 1994 to tell me that her boyfriend broke up with her because she got pregnant on purpose. She lived with him and he told her that he did not want children. She admitted to me back then that she got pregnant on purpose and he broke up with her. I asked her why if she wanted children and he didn’t, she would not just break up with him and find someone who wanted children. Fast forward to 2009 and she calls me out of the blue to ask me to dinner. I met her and she wanted me to sleep with her that evening which I did. After 5 months of dating, she gives me a marriage ultimatum. She fell in love with me fast and the love bombs were going off all over the place. After the marriage ultimatum, she would back off periodically ( 2 week cycles) but then show resentment for not having a ring. Things started going downhill from there. I used to bring her and her daughter dinner every night during the week and watch a movie together. She took away that privilege as well as sex until she had a ring on her finger. She did not realize that every time she would argue about not having a ring, that would be a setback. It seemed to me that she loved the idea of being married rather than loving me as a person. The pressure was immense. I loved her but I wanted to build a foundation of trust and friendship. It seems like we could never get there. I tried to get her to go to couples counseling but she would not go. She said that the only problem we had was that she did not have a ring on her finger. She then said she had enough with me and called up my best friend of over 25 years and started a smear campaign and seduced him. She barely even knew him. He is an alcoholic. I felt like I was loosing my mind so I went out and bought her the ring she always wanted. The result was her calling the police on me and filing a restraining order against me. She tried to get me to violate the restraining order by reaching out to me before the hearing but I remained no contact. I saved all her emails and proved her lies in court and the judge threw out the restraining order. Although I was vindicated in court, I am hurt that she would try to get me in trouble with the law. I never threatened her nor harassed her but merely tried to win her back with a marriage proposal. This does not make sense.

    I don’t know if she has bpd, histrionic, or is comorbid because she will not seek out a therapist. Even if she was diagnosed, it would be confidential information. Can you please give me your thoughts as to whether any of the events described above could exhibit a cluster b ? There is much more detail to the above story but I tried to condense it as best as I could. She told me so many times that she loved me more than anybody she has ever met. I actually believed her until the marriage ultimatum started consuming her. It appears that she idealized me, then devalued me, and split me black. I have remained no contact but found out that she is no longer with my ex friend but has found another replacement. If she loved me so much that she wanted to spend the rest of her life with me, why would she want to hurt me by calling the police and taking me to court? She is 54 years old and has never been married. The hearing was 3 months from the day that she filed the ex parte order and she could have cancelled it knowing that I was not bothering her. My attorney sent her a letter stating that I would never contact her again but it was unnecessary to take this matter to court. She still took it to court. I just want to make sense of all this. Your help would be greatly appreciated. Thanks, Jim

    • savorydish said

      I’m not sure how I can help you, my friend. You say she won’t get diagnosed or seek therapy. But everything you’ve told me about her tells me she is off her rocker. You did the best thing you can do, which is get an attorney. You have all the info you need to make sense of her nonsense here on this blog. Now is the time to piece your own life together. Stay away from this nutcase and protect yourself. She is a trainwreck. And being close to her will only bring you pain. Best of luck, SD.

      • wiser1958 said

        Thank you SD. I keep trying to make sense of all this. The false restraining order was thrown out in court. I had written documentation that the lied in court i.e. emails, texts.etc. She once wanted to marry me and kept nagging about getting a ring. In the end, although my name was vindicated in court, I felt no victory. I never abused her. I remain no contact for fear she will call the police. All I would want to know from her is WHY? She is on her second replacement since our breakup but I find it difficult moving on. In your blog about reaching out, your explanation about what happens when being split black really resonates with my experience. She was stripped down to her true nature when the mask came off. Based on your article, she may be a trauma survivor ( sexually abused) and viewed me as a predator. Agree?

      • savorydish said

        Possibly sexually traumatized based on her hyper-sexual tendencies. But without details, we will never know. And it sounds like her past is under lock and key. So you may just have to give up looking to her for answers. My experience is that looking for answers from a troubled person is futile, because their mind is designed to obfuscate and pin the blame on you. All you need to know is that these are the warning signs of someone who is on a downward slope. And she will drag you down with her if you let her. So don’t let her. Let her slide into the abyss. Save yourself.

  4. wiser1958 said

    Thanks again SD. I will continue working on myself. I keep thinking I could have avoided being split black had I just married her when she wanted to get married. My gut instinct tells me that there would always be a new ultimatum after the ring. She would never be satisfied.

    • savorydish said

      Your gut instincts are right. It was never about the ring. Women like this like making men jump through hoops. It gives them a false-sense of control. It feeds their ego. She will always be a control freak. She split you black because you would not play the sucker, so she found another one who would, an alcoholic… someone with impaired judgment. Think about that before you think about what life would have been like had you married her.

      • wiser1958 said

        I appreciate you taking the time to comment SD. The only time she ever met my ex best friend was when he was passed out on his driveway from me driving him home from a restaurant. He suffered a head trauma injury a few years before all this happened and still went back to drinking. They only lasted a few months together before she moved onto her next replacement. The pain from this breakup is beyond explanation. I guess I need to quit looking for answers and trust that I dodged a bullet.

      • savorydish said

        It sounds like she is a predator looking for wounded animals. So take pride in the fact that she didn’t like the taste of your flesh.

  5. wiser1958 said

    Hi SD. I have one last question. Although many of us non borderlines who struggle with the breakups never know for sure whether our ex’s have a mental disorder, do you agree with me that my experience outlined above fits into your explanation in your article / blog entitled ” Reaching Out” ? Your help is greatly appreciated.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: