Andrea Rae (updated)

April 26, 2015

Before My ACOA-ex and before my BPD-ex, there was a girl named Andrea Rae. Andrea was not the first troubled woman in my life, and sadly she would not be my last. She was, however, the most traumatic experience in my life.

Andrea was a self-proclaimed bitch. She was proud of it. She claims she came from a long line of bitches. She even had books on her shelf that instructed her on how she could be more of a bitch and earn the respect of men. Yes, women like this actually exist. 

I met Andrea in a dark and crowded room with music pumping through the speakers. We met in the heat of the moment. It was a passionate moment. Maybe too passionate for a first encounter. Still, I was prepared to let it be a fleeting moment. Then she said, in a dissapointed tone, “Aren’t you going to ask me for my number?”

I remember that night vividly. She was with her girl posse. I offered to drive her and her friend home later that night. I was on a natural high. She brought that out in me. Like my other exes, she loved very public displays of affection. Admittedly, so did I.

As I drove off, her friend spotted the guy she had been making out with all night. Instead of waving to say hi, she ducked into her seat to avoid him. Andrea laughed as if she thought it was amusing that her friend had dissed the guy after making him think she was into him. In hindsight, it was a very telling moment. It said a lot about Andrea and the mean girls she hung out with. Man Haters love to play with their prey.

Andrea was a smart girl, as are most of the women I date. She was just graduating with a degree in electrical engineering. But she was a pretty nerd. This nerdy gal was no modest introvert. She would show up to our dates showing ample bosom. That was her secret weapon. Once a taxi cab driver braked just to get an eyefull. Men would chat her up when I wasn’t looking. She loved the attention. 

After graduation, she had an offer to take a job with a big financial firm in NYC. But even so,  we spent almost every day together. She gave me all her time and all her love. She called me three times a day. And I was always thinking, “What did I do to deserve so much affection?” She would praise me non-stop. She was dropping the love bomb and I couldn’t get enough of it. Little did I know that I would fall from that position just as quickly.

When she wanted to be, she could be the cuddliest girl you’ve ever met. But as the relationship went on, I noticed another side of her personality. As good as she was at lifting me up, she could cut me down to size in a matter of seconds. She could be as cruel as she was sweet, whatever suited her needs at the moment.

After a while, I started noticing the disdainful way she spoke about men. She spoke about them as if they were inferior beings. She was very condescending and judgmental. She (like all my exes) would say things like “all men are pigs”. Andrea Rae wasn’t the first Man Hater to pounce on me, but she was definitely the most hateful. I would learn just how hateful.

My love affair with Andrea was like a slow reveal. The layer of the onion would get more and more bitter as I peeled off the layers. The sweet girl-next-door act was just that… an act to lure unsuspecting men to their doom. Andrea was the ultimate femme fatale- a woman who relished the punishment of men, a woman who enjoyed exerting control over them. To Andrea Rae, love was a power struggle and she was practicing to be a dominatrix.

I knew Andrea, before I knew anything about BPD or ACOA. But even back then, I knew something was not right. She liked to call me “daddy” when we were alone… like a sweet little girl. She was being affectionate, but there was something unsettling about it. I have a history of dating women who do not exhibit age-appropriate behavior  and who have daddy issues. Professionals might observe this behavior and suggest sexual-traumatization at a young age had emotionally stunted these women. 

My suspicions grew whenever she would make unusually brutal and inappropriate remarks about sex, including disturbing remarks about incest and beastiality.  Sex was always awkward and uncomfortable with Andrea Rae.  She liked to play rough and talk dirty. But it never felt right. Something was off.  She would chastise me if I didn’t do things exactly the way she wanted. Everything was a control issue. These are the telltale signs that a woman has had a troubled past.

Andrea acted like she was daddy’s little princess, but something tells me all was not well in her family. Her impulse was to run away from intimacy. Andrea longed for the glamour of the big city (having watched a lot of the Sex and the City and reading bundles of Cosmo magazine ), because she hated growing up in a small mining town in Nevada. Her dad was an engineer but she grew up in a town of rednecks. It was the kind of town where bored girls experimented with crack and slept with other women’s husbands. Andrea was no exception to this rule.

The more insecure she felt, the more she developed an alternate persona. She took on an air of superiority that belied her terrible insecurities and past. She was tough on the outside, but unusually fragile on the inside. She was easily offended and would lash out with terrible cruelty. This was a pattern of behavior I’ve noticed in all the women I’ve loved. It is the trademark of an abusive personality… one that abuses loved ones behind closed doors.

Before she left for the Big City, she suggested we have an open relationship. I was ok with this because I saw no point in being exclusive if she was going to be in another city. It was difficult to imagine her with other men,  but I started dating another woman to relieve the pain. Andrea Rae did not like this at all. And when she found out that I had sex with the other woman, she flipped her lid. I have never seen her quite as vicious. It was ok if she took strange men to her bed. But it was not ok if I slept with a woman I had been dating for three months. 

Months earlier, I took a trip to NY to visit her. She told me she was so excited to see me. But on the day I was suppose to fly out, she expressed reservations about our relationship. And when I got there, she acted distant and emotionally-detached. This is the push-pull behavior I have come to know too well.

I was annoyed that I had flown all the way to see her, just to have her act like she didn’t know me. So I broke up with her. Again she reacted viciously. Andrea Rae did not take rejection well. Foolishly, I took her back. Because I mistook her rage for love. But she did not love me. She just wanted me back long enough to find a replacement. She was stringing me along… she was buying time… time to find a replacement. This is what they all do. Andrea Rae always had to be the one who rejected the man… not the other way around.

When I called her out about her push/pull behavior, she split me black. We had talked about staying friends, but she was not friendly at all. She was quite hostile. And even accused me of harassing her when I made attempts to stay friendly. 

The woman who use to call me three times a day, was now annoyed if I called her at all. She literally turned on me overnight.  I went from the love of her life to public enemy number one. The wall was up and she was intent on running away… hopping all the way across the pond. 

Like all femme-fatales, she loves anatagonizing men and then playing the victim. A woman, who is victimized at a young age, re-plays the drama of her youth… over and over again.  She plays the victim because that is all she knows.  She even went so far as to make good on vicious threats and outlandish accusations. 

The Man Hater fights dirty.  Attacking you with brutal hostility and then playing the victim is how you know you are dealing with a sadist. She is punishing you for something that happened in her childhood.

Being ambitious and book-smart has allowed Andrea to climb up the corporate ladder with great efficiency. Her control issues make her a suitable candidate for corporate management.  But like most high-functioning sociopaths, she fails as a human being. 

Andrea Rae isn’t smart enough to figure out that she has a pattern ruining lives, especially the lives of men who treated her with kindness.  Denial allows her to play dumb. She sees kindness as a weakness… for her to exploit and manipulate. 

Admission of guilt would mean she would have to admit that she is a narcissist and a sociopath. What had to happen to create such a monster? 

Andrea Rae is now married and has a child. I wish I could be happy for her. But she is a terrible excuse for a human being. Sometimes shitty people get married and have kids. 

She thinks getting married and having kids means I’m all wrong about her. Andrea was always good at putting up facades. But she can’t revise history. She can’t change her past. She knows what she did to me. And others. 

Having kids isn’t proof that she has miraculously become a better human being. It’s proof that she is still in denial and still unbelievably selfish. It’s proof that she found a codependent sucker willing to marry her and get her pregnant. She comes from a family history of codependency. It won’t end with her. 

He will regret his choice as I did. Looking back, I don’t even know why I was so gaga for her. I was in a codependent haze for a long time. She knew how to play me. But now I see her clearly. I see the ugliness and the sociopathic tendencies… the pettiness and the terrible cruelty. 

She will inevitably pass those qualities onto her child, as her mother passed her cruelty onto her.  This is how damaged women spread misery from one generation to the next… Generations of heartless women. 

14 Responses to “Andrea Rae (updated)”

  1. jhan1969 said

    “But it never felt right. Something was off.”

    There it is. That was your sign. As we move through life, we learn how to LISTEN to these signs. ESPECIALLY when they have anything to do with sex. Sex is the big ‘tell,’ especially with damaged people. Often, something about sex with damaged people will be off. They’ll be very neurotic and inhibited, or they’ll like sex WAAAAYY too much. They’ll come off as ‘prudes,’ or they’ll act like porn-stars form the gate.

    Regardless; you’ll sense it. The ‘off-ness.’ Your gut will tell you;

    The next step is to learn how to LISTEN TO AND OBEY YOUR GUT.

    Borderlines and other Cluster B’s are experts at getting us to NOT listen to our gut. Learning about the ways they do this are very important. We don’t have to have some rigid set of criteria; the point is to develop our INSTINCTS. The way we do that is to use some kind of guide. We do the ‘left brain’ work of learning what the M.O.’S ARE, and then hopefully the ‘right brain’ takes over in the form of accurate instincts.

    I’ve developed my own automatic ‘thumbs-down’ criteria over the past few years when it comes to women. One is ‘man-bashing.’ One is ‘permanent victim’ narratives. Another is weirdness about sex (as I defined above). Another big one is ‘push-pull’ behavior, though often, you have to be a little ways into a relationship to sense that. (Usually a month or two).

    A HUGE red flag for me is when I reasonably call a woman out on poor behavior, and she FLIPS OUT. F__k that shit. I’ll unceremoniously dump a woman on the spot. I will kick her out of my car in the middle of a freeway. Screw being nice. This is my LIFE we’re talking about. As it is, I give plenty of leeway to people. Someone has to screw up pretty bad for me to point it out. When I do, expect the people around me to act like adults.

    In my ‘past’ life, I didn’t have any kind of criteria, because I thought I was a worthless piece of shit. I felt lucky that any woman would even pay 5 minutes of attention to me. Is it any wonder I attracted damaged people? I had to come to the point where I believed I had a RIGHT to a basic set of criteria in terms of how I’m treated.

    • savorydish said

      Identifying the signs is not a problem. Not anymore. I can spot trouble within the first five minutes.

      The problem is they are attracted to me and I am attracted to them. It’s like some weird gravitational pull. There could be a 100 women in a room and I will attract the one who is emotionally fucked up.

      When I met Andrea, I wasn’t even interested in asking her or anyone for her number. I was out for a good time. Nothing serious. But still they manage to reel me in. They make it too easy.

      I have no one to blame but myself. I see the signs and I still take the bait. That is an addiction. And I know it.

  2. jhan1969 said

    I hate to put it this way . . . but you have to get to the point where it hurts enough. That’s all, really. It just has to hurt enough.

  3. OC said

    Fascinated as always at how similar our lives have been. Change a name and one or two locations and this has word for word happened to me.

    • savorydish said

      These women read from the same playbook. Then they run off to the next city to commit the same crime.

      • Marie said

        SD,
        You should write a book and then go on Ellen and warn everyone about this. Think of the millions of unsuspecting people out there right now (male and female) who are wondering what is wrong with them and not their partners who have BPD.
        It’s still my wish that you find what you are really looking for soon. There has to be a nice woman who is gorgeous out there just for you.
        Thanks for sharing.
        Hugs,
        Marie

      • savorydish said

        Ha. If I do, you will be my first choice for a publicist. đŸ™‚

        Thanks for the kind words. Always good to hear from you, Marie.

  4. Marie said

    SD,
    Deal! I would be happy to be your publicist! Let me know when you’re ready. ;o)

  5. chump said

    Hi SD, you are singing my song too. Just watched an old movie favorite tombstone and had a real moment of enlightenment. Ended up scrolling back 3-4 times to listen carefully. It is a shame I was not listening years ago. Transcript as follows:

    Earp: What makes a man like Ringo, doc? What makes him do the things he does? Doc: A man like Ringo has got a great big hole, right in the middle of him. He can never kill enough, or steal enough, or inflict enough pain to ever fill it.
    Earp: What does he need?
    Doc: Revenge.
    Earp: For what?
    Doc: Bein’ born.

    Clear and concise is it not? What a fool I was…..

  6. jhan1969 said

    Hey guys, I’m paying a visit because I want to share something that recently happened.

    So in the past few weeks I took a course at a bartending school, because why not, right? It was actually great, I learned a ton of stuff, and I even got a license to serve alcohol in my state if I want to. And I actually wound up hanging out with people and making friends, which is always cool. If you want to drag yourself out of a broken past and get a new outlook on life, TAKE A COURSE IN SOMETHING. It really works.

    Anyways, I’m a ‘rocker’ type (musician) and there was this rocker-type chick in the class. She was really cute, and seemed very sweet. I got to know her a bit, and we went out to lunch after class one day. There was obviously a mutual attraction, so I thought I might explore it.

    I’ve gotten pretty good at getting ‘the INFO’ out of people – especially women – over the past few years. if you ask questions, and just listen, it’s amazing what people will tell you after knowing you for just 5 minutes. So, it turns out that this cute, sweet rocker chick has an 11 year old son being raised by her parents. She claims that her parents and the courts accused her of abandoning the kid years ago (read: she ABANDONED the kid years ago) and she’s now trying to have a relationship with him. She’s also currently studying to be a hairdresser, she studied something else in the past but wound up never doing it. etc, etc . . .

    To graduate from the class and get our certificate, we had to do a speed test, where we were required to make 12 drinks in 8 minutes. It was actually pretty tough, and almost NO ONE passes it the first time. (I passed the second time.) But it was fun as hell. Anyway, this chick fails the test like 5 times, because she’s just a total trainwreck. She has all her notes, all her study-guides, but she’s just lost.

    TRAINWRECK – all the way around.

    In the past, I probably would have had a tryst with a woman like this because she was cute and seemed ‘nice.’ But NOT NOW. No score is worth the hassle and the headache, because NOTHING is ever easy with a trainwreck woman. Even the BEST of us will get sucked in, because that’s what emotionally damaged, trainwreck women do.

    And you know what? She’s NOT nice. ‘Nice’ people don’t abandon their kids. ‘Nice’ isn’t how you sound or what you look like or what you say at lunch; ‘Nice’ is what you DO in this life.

    I’ve changed my definitions of things considerably over the past few years, if you know what I mean đŸ˜‰

    And the upside is that I probably avoided getting an STD.

    • savorydish said

      I agree. Some women are good at playing nice. But once you start probing you start realizing they do things that are not so nice. Some of it is just evil. I dated a nice girl who revealed that she had stabbed her boyfriend. Yikes. But she was so nice. How much of it was real I will never know. But that’s the problem with being attracted to edgy girls. It’s not an alternative lifestyle. It’s who they are. They are edgy for a reason. But then again I’ve dated nice girls who didn’t seem edgy at all. Although they still had that edgy side that came out every now and then.

  7. Women like Andrea Rae are legion. A few years ago, your blog along with Shari Schreiber’s articles http://gettinbetter.com/articles.html finally brought me to my own epiphany about repeatedly attracting toxic relationships. I stopped. I got better about spotting trouble before it started and established very strong, healthy boundaries.

    For those still getting into the same relationship over and over with different women, read:
    http://gettinbetter.com/needlove.html . The ideas and information Shari’s article may be the beginning of the end of dramatic/traumatic relationships for you, too.

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