The Illusion of Control

March 27, 2015

Emotionally-damaged women love telling you their sob stories. But when you use those sob stories to explain why their behavior is so erratic and irrational, they shut down. They run away and block your phone number. They accuse you of being abusive. They play the victim. 

These women live in denial, because denial keeps them warm and fuzzy. Acknowledging the damage that has been done only happens when they want to give you the impression there might be hope. But with each damaged woman I make the mistake of loving, I realize there is little hope…  if any.

Something about their condition prevents self-awareness and change. Is it their self-destructive streak? the bubble of denial? Or is it this need to appear perfect in every way. All the women I dated, were obsessed with their appearance. They brushed their teeth until their bristles were warped. They spent hours in front of their mirror, obsessing about their hair and their outfits… looking outward to prevent themselves (and the world) from looking inward.

My ACOA-ex was OCD. I would come home to find that all my shirts had been buttoned up and folded neatly. My sink and bathtub scrubbed so hard that the enamel and chrome was worn off. This was her need to control things. She obsessed about things until she wore it down… like she wore me down. She tried to control me with her mind games and her tantrums. But that was what pushed me away. She is her own worst enemy and she has yet to figure that out.

Like all my exes, she found a quick replacement when it was convenient for her. That was the only way she could soothe her feelings of abandonment and satiate her sexual appetite. The only way she could rid herself of the fear that I might leave her was to leave me. She knew she could not control me or convince me that I was the problem. So she found someone she could control and would take the abuse.

I laugh whenever I see the men who would become my replacements. They almost always have that look of cluelessness on their face. It is almost as if my exes intentionally found someone who was more gullible… someone so dense, they could not possibly know what they were in for. My troubled exes are trying to find someone who will believe the lies and the manipulations. Because that is the only way they can feel in control.

I made them feel out of control. Because I would not play their games. I called them out… one, too many times. I knew too much. They would accuse me of using their sob stories against them as if I were putting them on trial. I burst their bubble of delusions. And that was the only reason they needed to run.

9 Responses to “The Illusion of Control”

  1. naples104 said

    You know SD to be a control freak does not mean they are BPD. OCD… some people are just control freaks. I am involved with a woman that is an Italian American Princess from Staten Island. She is not nuts just a pain in the ass and a control freak like I have never seen. I will soon end this relationship because at 60 years old I don’t want to fight anymore and I do not believe that I can change anyone and more importantly I don’t want to try. I should have seen the signs in this early on and I did but doubted myself and the good was very good but when she flips out it is like she qualifies for enrollment in Isis. I did a ton for this woman and I don’t mean I saved her or paid for her lifestyle, she makes more than I do and is successful. But her love is intermittent and when she is mad at the world, combined with menopause, she could lop off heads. I am done with this nonsense and I will miss many things about her. The bottom line for me is I can survive without a woman although I would rather have one in my life but not at the expense of my sanity. I have written in the past about her that I love her and value the relationship and I do love her and value the relationship but I am not willing to live with any aspect of my life as unhappy. We must believe in our selves and that we are good, valuable and must attract the same. I am a nice guy, successful, reasonably good looking so I am a target for women with issues and I am eager to help due to my co-dependence. The co-dependent hangs on and hangs on way too long and then begins to convince themselves that “in balance” things are ok. Bullshit things are not ok and you need to get the fuck out of a bad relationship and love your self enough to say goodbye. I really do love this woman but she is toxic for me and I find myself finding any reason to go back with her. Its not sex, I have proven that sex is easy to get and I don’t mean paying for it. Its failure and fear of abandonment that keeps us going back. Be strong SD and be alone if you cannot find a quality woman that is mentally healthy. That’s my plan and I may write a book about my experiences with dating. Anyone want to help with that book?

    All the best

    Tom

    • savorydish said

      Yes. I know OCD doesn’t necessarily indicate BPD. But a lot of the women I date are control freaks and that had a lot to do with their pasts. When you grow up in a family where chaos rules, you become obsessed with control.

      I’d love to help you write that book, but I’ve got too many projects on the table at the moment. Barely have time to keep this blog up.

  2. simon said

    I have been reading this blog for the past 18 months and after experiencing 2 relationships with emotionally unhealthy women, I have to say that so much of what is written on here resonates completely with what I had to endure.Please keep posting.It helps a lot of people make sense of the madness that sadly cluster b disorders brings to partners of the sufferers.

  3. jhan1969 said

    “My ACOA-ex was OCD. I would come home to find that all my shirts had been buttoned up and folded neatly.”

    Yeah, an insane woman will do those kinds of things . . . then have unprotected sex with you and not tell you that she has an STD.

    Right on man, great way to live.

  4. JD said

    After dating a woman in 2012 who I came to believe suffered from BDP after several months of knowing her, I thought I could never run into a similar situation ever again, but it has happened not once, not twice, not three, but four times, in the span of the last two years. While I have now come to believe that I subconsciously seek out these types of women, or feel some kind of attraction because of my own emotional programming, and I ca at least recognize that, it does nothing to explain the odd behavior of these women and the craziness that you begin to feel after knowing them for some time and being in a ‘relationship’ with them. You may feel a tiny nugget of adulation from them from time to time, or all-out ‘love-bombing’ at the other extreme, but believe me, you will start to feel as if you are in emotional hell. You begin to feel like you are wrong all the time, or the way you do things is wrong, all the time, when in reality, you are being pleasant to them, treating them like ladies should be treated, and respecting them as human beings. I believe they want men to project power on them, or dominate them, so they can blame someone else for how they feel. When men don’t do this, they turn on those men and say things like, ‘I don’t feel any chemistry,’ or ‘I don’t see any future between us.’ Somewhere along they way, even if you are a good, kind man, you are unable to give them justification to project their weakness onto you, and you will be frozen out. I have found, time after time, that it is always the case. It is a lose-lose situation if you ever even dare to date one of these women. They will eventually find a flaw in you, guaranteed, and magnify it ten-thousand fold to justify treating you like gum stuck to their shoe. A sad situation for them, really. If you understand what you’re dealing with, you can cope and move on. I doubt women with BDP ever can, or will, which makes it sadder for them, really. The last one didn’t quite turn my world upside-down like the first one, but still, I swear I was starting to feel crazy again like the first time, neurotic almost, just for treating a woman the way I was taught to treat women, with respect, kindness, and care.

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