Too Much. Too Fast.

March 7, 2015

Beware of things that come too easily. This is especially true when it comes to love.  This is true of all my relationships. They were all too good to be true.

My last ex claimed she knew I was the One, the first time I met her. I knew this was hogwash and a redflag, but I took the bait anyways. I was out for a good time when I met her. No intentions of falling in love. But she asked for my phone number and I was only happy to give it to her. It was too easy, but I didn’t care.

Of course, there were many other redflags. She was hours late to our first date. Being flaky and inconsiderate of other people’s time was her trademark. It never occured to her that this was a redflag. It seems small and insignificant, but in fact it was an early sign of her relationship-sabotaging ways.

This is what they mean by Push-Pull behavior. They are pulling you in and pushing you away at the same time, leaving you confused and frustrated. Within months, there was talk of living together. I was still dating another woman when I first met her. She would later chastise me for this, because I was completely unaware that I was already in a commited relationship. Oh yes, she had plans before I knew there were plans.

To be fair, I walked into it. It’s hard to walk away from that feeling of being loved. Even if you know it’s being artificially inflated for dramatic purposes. I even introduced her to my family. If you ever want to see a troubled woman freak out, introduce her to your family. She will relish it and use it as an opportunity to fall apart. It is, at this moment, that you will see the effect that intimacy has on her. She will become irritable and start fights for no reason. She will look for any reason to fight. 

This is because the same intimacy that she demands, is the same intimacy that triggers her fight and flight response. My ACOA-ex was overjoyed to meet my parents, but this is when I started noticing her flip-flopping ways. This reaction was remarkably similar to the way my BPD-ex reacted. Maybe, on some level, this had become my litmus test.

When a love comes this easy there is no foundation. The expectations are built up high like a house of cards on a foldout table. It is why these relationships fall as quickly as they are built up. 

My BPDex married her ex months after our relationship crumbled. Three years later, there are no signs of that marriage. This is the speed at which these women operate. So it’s actually good that I’m dating a woman who wants to go slow. Maybe too slow for my liking. But that’s a good thing because I recognize that I am as responsible for those relationships moving quickly as the women who pushed for it.

Admittedly, I miss that feeling of being in love. It may not have been real, but it felt real… at the time. But the fact that it was so easily taken away confirms that it wasn’t real. Real love doesn’t disappear after two years or after you come back from a business trip. Was any of it real? Well, something had to trigger her fight/fight response.

2 Responses to “Too Much. Too Fast.”

  1. OC said

    “When a love comes this easy there is no foundation. The expectations are built up high like a house of cards on a foldout table.”

    Love this.

    The way my therapist described it to me, it was that you’re basically doing some hydroponics. You build up this enormous, beautiful, flowering thing, but it has no root structure, and the tiniest breeze can rip it out of the ground and kill it.

    It’s weird to go slow after subjecting yourself to this kind of thing, like getting behind the wheel of a stable, reliable old car after years and years of totalling supercars in the most violent ways possible.

    Keep on truckin’, man. You got this.

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