Too Emo to Love

February 17, 2015

Signs of fear of intimacy may include: avoiding physical/sexual contact or having an insatiable sexual appetite, difficulty with commitment, history of unstable relationships, low self-esteem, bouts of anger, isolation, difficulty forming close relationships, difficulty sharing feelings, difficulty showing emotion, and difficulty trusting.

This is the best way I know how to describe all the women I’ve loved. To be fair, I can identify with most of the signs listed in the quote above. But if I’m a 7, the women I dated were 11s.

It is too easy and tempting to write them off as psychos or evil incarnate. Because they are much more complicated than that.

If they were simply evil women, I could have easily walked away. But the women I loved were always keeping me guessing. 
At times, they provided ample love and tenderness. There were times when they were nurturing and healthy lovers. They weren’t always cold and heartless. They only showed those signs towards the very end. If anything, they were full of emotion. Too much emotion. Can a woman be too emo to love? 

If she feels emotions with too much intensity, she will not be able to handle love. The women I loved, embraced it. They welcomed it with open-arms. But once it was in their arms, they feared losing it. They tried it on and ultimately didn’t feel worthy. 

My last ex was always reading my emails and texts hoping to catch me cheating on her. She drew absurd conclusions that had no basis in fact. She did that because love made her a nervous wreck. She was too sensitive for her own good or mine.

There is no way for these women  to turn down the emotional dial. Not when it comes to love. This is why only lovers know what family and friends find so hard to believe.
The one I call my ACOA-ex was the most loving of all my exes. But she could also be the most vindictive when she felt like I was not reciprocating her love. But that was her perception, not reality. It was the perception of a woman who never felt deserving of love. Her childhood memories were being triggered by our relationship.

The one I’m currently seeing is not as emo, but she is also not entirely emotionally available. She was kind enough to admit that her capacity to love is limited. It is her surprising honesty that makes her less harmful. Because you never fall in love with someone who is emotionally unavailable and knows it. You take it for what it is. The real harm comes from loving a woman who fools you and herself into believing she is capable of love. But in reality, she is too emo to love.

8 Responses to “Too Emo to Love”

  1. Marie said

    SD,
    I hope you find your other half someday. It makes me very sad to think you keep selling yourself short. Just make sure not to let any of these women hurt you anymore. Love should not be a battlefield no matter what the song says. Love is supposed to be patient, kind, true and last a lifetime. I hope you have an excellent support system made up of true friends and family members who love you completely and don’t judge you.
    Hugs,
    Marie

    • savorydish said

      Thank you, sweet Marie. I hope so too. I’m working with I’ve got but let’s hope I find a way out. BTW I love that song. Maybe there’s a reason.

      But things are getting better. Slowly but surely. It’s just gonna take longer than I hoped.

      The new gal is warming up to me. Last night, she told me her life story and that opened her up. But given my past, I’m proceeding with caution.

  2. naples104 said

    SD, I too have issues with the level of returned affection with the women I have been with, the difference I think is she not afraid of intimacy and closeness. The women that you have been involved with may not be ready for a rubber room but they are not lovable because of the fear of intimacy and abandonment. I think all that you are then doing when you discover this is wasting your time and setting yourself up for a mountain of hurt and pain when they reject you. They have no choice but to do that because they cannot be loved and return the love, the fear from childhood is too great, The challenge for you and I is to read the tea leaves better and get out when we have concerns. No one is perfect, them or us, but we have to see the relationship and it’s downside and strengths clearly and decide if it is toxic or healthy. If it’s toxic it always will be and not get better, you will have moments of happiness but the fights will become more frequent and more intense as the resentment builds.

    Tom

    • savorydish said

      Thanks for your input, Tom. As always, you are a 100% right. We do have to see the relationships as a whole, toxicity and all. The irony is I meet a lot of these girls in places where I don’t expect to find relationships. I’m hoping to have some fun time and that’s all.

      But occasionally, I find one who seemingly wants to jump in, head first. I fool myself into believing that she is madly in love with me from the getgo. My last ex said she knew I was the One, the first time she met me. I knew that was a redflag, but still I engaged the fantasy. Because even the fantasy of being loved feels as good as the real thing. But it’s like comparing fast food to the real thing.

  3. Marie said

    Guys, I’m curious. Do you think that all of these are women holding back on purpose or could some of them just be normal? People with mental problems fall in love in seconds but normal people take time to do so. If you compare the two types it would seem like normal people hold back when actually they are doing things the way they are supposed to.
    Don’t beat yourselves up too much. Who doesn’t like someone going crazy for him/her from the beginning? It’s easy to be taken in. All the fairy tales that we are familiar with say that’s the way love is supposed to happen. As a society we have some changes to make if we want to help people avoid these bad relationships.
    Hugs,
    Marie

    • savorydish said

      The gal I’m dating is holding back. In a normal situation, I would say that’s normal. But given her dark past, I would say it is fear of intimacy that causes her to hold back.

      • naples104 said

        I think you can get very close very fast when you have chemistry. Love takes time, if someone told me they loved me too fast it would scare me. You can love being together, love the dates you have been on and love the fact that you may have found someone but being in love takes time. It can be destroyed quickly too by hurtful things. The challenge that we face as co-dependents is that we forgive and forget too fast and give the other people a pass just the same as we give too much and want their love in return on an unrealistic level. If you are hurt in a relationship, you need to consider the damage and if the relationship is healthy for you. I forgive way too fast and take the blame when I should take none. That sets up the next hurt which grows in magnitude like an avalanche. If you think the relationship is going too fast or if you think it is toxic, it likely is and you are in for a heart braking experience. For me it is like an alcoholic, if you have to ask yourself do I drink too much or if you have to tell someone that you think they drink too much, they do and you do. We all have the judgment that we need to make the right decisions but it can get repressed by damage done to us from our past. Its hard to step back and see what everyone else sees when we don’t want to be alone. Being alone beats being a bad relationship.

        Tom

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