A Letter To My ACOA-Ex

February 5, 2015

I want you to know that despite all the mean and horrible things you said to me, I still love you. There are even times when I miss you. Those fond memories of us still haunt me. Your vindictive rage might have erased your own fond memories, but sadly mine are intact.

There is a side of you who I will always love. There is no one I loved more than you. And that includes my BPD-ex. You were always worried about other women, but it was you who had the special place in my heart. I shared things with you, I have only shared with you. But you betrayed that trust.

I can not separate the woman I love from the woman who said and did all those awful things. You have a darkness inside of you that you have yet to discover. You’re in denial. By now, you know that runs in your family.

I talk about your family, not to insult your family or to degrade you. I do it to trace the origins of your misery. You must come to terms with the fact that your anger towards me is in fact anger towards your childhood. The dysfunction you live with had to come from somewhere. It didn’t come from me.

You have turned on me too many times for me to continue trusting you with my heart. You have betrayed me for the last time. You will not be invited back. I have taken you back too many times to count, often without asking for an apology. Use those sad puppy dog eyes on someone else.

You’ve read my blog. You know the facts. But you choose to ignore them, because you’re afraid to acknowledge your darkside and your dark past. You want to continue playing the victim because that is your nature.

But you are only ruining your life by doing so. Blaming and shaming me for your insecurities is not only wrong, it is misplaced anger. Your insecurities and your rage existed long before you met me. Your friends know that and you know that. It will be there long after I’m gone.

My BPD-ex is proof of all that. Look at her miserable life to know what your life will become if you don’t take a long hard look at yourself. She has lost husband, friends and lovers because she and her family refuse to see that darkside.

I was just a convenient scapegoat for all her misery. I was her punching bag for all that rage she had against her father. You and her are alike in that way. You share a secret hatred for your fathers. But you keep it under wraps because both of you still want your father’s acceptance.

How many more men will you push into the arms of another woman?

You have so much to offer a man. You’re beautiful, smart and funny. I was proud to have you by my side. I loved sharing experiences with you and sharing you with my friends and family. But you ruined all of that. You made it so I can never do that again.

You have great strength inside of you and amazing survival skills. All my exes have that in common. Use that side of you to better yourself. Stop blaming every man you fall in love with. Stop playing your passive-aggressive games and, for everyone’s sake, stop projecting your illness onto others.

My family loved you and my friends did too. But you ruined that as well. Because you have this insatiable need to tear people down so you can free yourself from the fear of abandonment and rejection. Ask yourself why you came back into my life, only to announce you’ve moved on.

You’re a complete mess. You play with people’s minds and hearts. Yet you somehow find a way to play the victim every time. You are completely ignorant of how screwed up you are.

You will lose every time if you do not tame that temper of yours. There is NO justification for it. Every man you love will drift away. No man, in his right mind, would trust his heart with a woman who is this emotionally unstable.

Believe me, I know. There were troubled women before you. They all live lives of quiet misery. They may seem fabulous on the outside, but they are all slowly falling apart on the inside. The illusion of well-being is a lie.

Your therapist doesn’t know what I know, because she hasn’t spent the last 2 years with you. You haven’t subjected her to the mind games that you have played with me. No one knows. Not your friends or your family. Because you abused me behind closed doors. And then you conveniently forgot about it.

To this day, you have offered me no apologies for your treatment of me. It is unfortunate. Because I was hoping we could stay friends. I tried. I tried harder than any man should.

But you didn’t. You never tried. It was always me. I was always the one who reached out with the olive branch. I was always the one who swallowed my pride and took you back.

You couldn’t contain the rage that you keep hidden inside of you.
That is part of your disease. Now that I am gone, you will have no one to blame but yourself.

Please continue going to therapy. Hopefully, your therapist will eventually catch on. I am hoping that, one of these days, you will stop playing the victim. I hope that you will start telling people the truth about yourself and stop spreading the lies about me.

I think I told you this once. But I will tell it again- years ago, I got a call from my college sweetheart. She was my first love. She too had similar issues. She too treated me like shit so she could run away with good conscience. But that too was a lie.

She eventually suffered a breakdown, similar to the one you had. However, she was fortunate enough to marry someone who got her the help she needed. Part of her treatment was to call people she had wronged.

I still carry the pain she caused me. But I forgave her because she had the strength and good will to ask for my forgiveness. And that was enough.

It was enough for me to feel like she had acknowledged the pain she had caused me. It was enough for me to hear her own up to the terrible way she had treated me. In my eyes, she became a better person that day. I hope, some day, you will too.

It didn’t matter to me that she married another man. That wasn’t the point. If you think this is an attempt to get you back… well, you can stop flattering yourself. It’s not. Please let go of the petty grievances that keep you angry.
You have bigger issues in hand.

All that ever mattered to me was the TRUTH. That’s what you could never understand. And why I could never give myself fully to you.

All I ever wanted was to set the record straight. My college sweetheart took years to figure that out. I hope you will figure it out as well.

But to do that, you have to take an honest look at yourself. You have to untwist the tales you have told, the tales that you think will soothe your conscience.

Ask yourself why you blocked me out when so many others have caused you misery. If you say it’s because you loved me, then that is proof you fear intimacy. You fear the truth about yourself.

Find a way to overcome that fear. Figure out why you’re so hyper-sensitive. Break your addiction to melodrama. Then maybe you will find some long-lasting happiness. I wish that for you. I really do.

20 Responses to “A Letter To My ACOA-Ex”

  1. naples104 said

    SD, you obviously really love this woman. However, here is what I read in that letter, you knew she was never available to love you back in a healthy way, it seems that this relationship had much conflict and you were devalued and discarded by her because of her inability to get close as you say, due to her fear of abandonment. That is nothing that you can fix or can live with. She is not for you to fix and she likely will agree with nothing that you have pointed out to her. She has a dark past of hurt and rejection and that cannot change. The older we get the harder it is to change who we are unless you admit that you have issues and you no longer want to fail in your interpersonal relationships, she must not feel that way. In spite of all you know and discovered about her you stayed and try to fix her so she could love you the way you want to be loved. SD may I suggest that you too need some healing and fixing so you are not picking women that are not available and really not qualified to be with you. You are worthy and entitled to more and better love. My friend you are picking these poor souls and using hope as a strategy and believing that with the knowledge you have gained in these areas of human emotion you can use this knowledge and the power of your persuasion to change them and have them see the light. I am sorry to say I don’t think you can. This letter says you are in pain and we all here wish you were not, but you will have to suffer the grief of this loss. When you accept this loss and are ready to move on you need to find women without these issues. SD, you have been a good friend on here to us all but you are not healed yet. Stop writing to her and heal. We will all help you as you have helped us.

    Tom

    • savorydish said

      Thank you, Tom. You’re right in so many ways. I know you are. I am using my knowledge to hopefully help others. I can not change that part of me. That doesn’t mean I stick around hoping that she will change. Because she has a long way to go. I’m leaving my knowledge at her doorstep. If she chooses to walk over it, then so be it.
      My life goes on. And she knows that. I mourn the loss of all my friends and lovers. Even the dysfunctional ones. But I’m dating again. And I am getting over it the best way I know how which is to write and write. This is my therapy.
      My life is good now. Work has been plentiful. I have reduced my group of friends to ones that have stayed by my side through thick and thin. And I have people like you, Tom, friends that I’ve never met. But you know me better than most. So thank you for that.
      It helps so much to have people who understand where I’m coming from and where I’ve been. That is all the help I need. Sincerest thanks.

    • savorydish said

      And yes, I do love her very much. She is not an evil person. She is just really messed up and has only begun to discover that. Like I said, I can’t wait for her to complete her journey. She moved on and I am moving on. The only sadness I have left is the horrible way she left things. But I’ve been through this before so I have braced myself for the fall. I am a stronger man than I was years ago. My hope (yes, my hope) is that my words live inside each and every one of my exes. My first love made the turn. Will the others? Time will tell. But life goes on for me whether or not that happens.

    • savorydish said

      I do realize I have a pattern of getting involved with damaged women. And I also realize I have some self-repair of my own. But as you said, sometimes you have to work with what you’ve got. They are attracted to me for a reason. Maybe they were meant to meet me. Maybe it was meant to be a brief encounter- to help me and to help them. The silver lining is that we both walk away with more knowledge of ourselves.

    • savorydish said

      Change takes time. I went into this relationship wiser and stronger. And I came out wiser and stronger. I would love nothing more than a healthy relationship. But that goal is miles away. So, for now, I am content just being wiser and stronger. Knowing what I’m getting into helps me navigate tricky waters. Each time, it hurts a little less. Not because I love them less. Because I love myself more.

    • savorydish said

      The girl I’m dating now is merely a distraction, eye-candy. I hardly know her. The sadness I feel is the loss of a friend. She was my best friend. To have a best friend do a 180 on you is a traumatic thing. It makes it hard to trust again. But this is how it starts. I look for distractions and they become best friends.

      • Robert "toerrishuman" said

        SD: I can totally relate to you brother! I want to share with you a video that my change my life, when I saw Jim Carrey’s Commencement Address at the 2014 MUM Graduation back in November, it was the wake call I needed to shift my thinking. Thanks to this video, my perception towards relationships, work, being a father has changed for the better. Please take a moment and watch it.

        I would like to mention that the first 10 minutes, Jim is very playful and funny, however after that the information he shares is pure gold! You can apply it to all aspects of your life!!

      • savorydish said

        Thanks, Robert. I’ll check it out.

      • savorydish said

        Thanks for that. I’ve read some books on the Laws of Intention and Desire, the Laws of Attraction, etc. Mostly, the writings of Deepak Chopra. Dabbled with the metaphysical. I used what I found useful. The speech reminded me of that. It was entertaining as well. I agree. Life will always present you with challenges. You can’t let fear pull you back. I’m not perfect but I’ve learned to roll with the punches. That keeps me going.

      • Robert "toerrishuman" said

        Welcome to the human race!! Remember SD, at the end of the day, the race is with yourself. I am glad you enjoyed the video!

      • Robert "toerrishuman" said

        SD: I made a video in regards to what I posted and Jim Carrey’s video. Despite that we have all shared heartache in our past and uncertainty, it’s all in the past, when you practice the law of intention and living in the now, You will manifest what you want and deserve.

  2. 300bpm said

    Here was my letter to my BPD ex:

    ‘F___k off and die.’

    Seriously.

  3. Marie said

    Robert,
    Thanks so much for sharing Jim’s speech. It was amazing. What a great lesson….”love or fear”. As I look back on my life I’m glad I didn’t let fear of the unknown stop me from doing what I knew I would love to do.
    SD,
    I believe there is a reason for everything that happens. Sometimes you learn right away what the reason is and sometimes it takes a long time (years even) before you learn why. Since I was forced to flee from my family, my home state and my BPD mother many years ago, I also believe that I am exactly where I am supposed to be because someone needs me here. It has been true no matter where I was/am at the time. I have also met people who have become my family even if we are not blood family along the way. So, yes, maybe you ARE meant to teach these women something and they are meant to teach you something. Every day we have a new chance to start over and to make different choices if we choose to do so.
    Hugs to you both,
    Marie

  4. survivorinlifeandlove said

    Read the text I wish I sent. I enjoy your blog man. Keep it up

    • savorydish said

      Read your post. And I relate to every word. Be well.

      • survivorinlifeandlove said

        I’m getting there. When I get drunk I often blame myself to the breakup and feel I lost the girl of my dreams.. but It doesn’t make sense man. I even started thinking maybe I was the one with BPD lol, did you ever go through that? In the end, I can’t blame myself for it, I did my absolute best. people don’t fall out of love in two weeks, I know for my heart still skips a beat when she comes to mind.

        Eh… I’ll live. Best of luck to you

      • savorydish said

        You too. And yes, I always feel like I’m the one with abandonment issues.

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