One Foot Out the Door

February 4, 2015

To all those who advised me to run the other way, thank you for your concern. It is the exact advice I would give to someone else in my situation.

But as I said to MF, I am a man with needs. No, I don’t mean sex.

Contrary to what my paranoid ACOA-ex believes, I don’t sleep around. That’s not who I am. I don’t have notches on my bedpost. I am not about conquests in the bed or self-satisfaction. I look for shared experiences, mutual enjoyment. I am looking for love. I am an oddball like that.

I am actually very choosey about who I sleep with. Because I have tried having sex with randos and it wasn’t enjoyable. It was awkward and strange. I need intimacy and tenderness. Most of all, I need trust. Cold and mechanical sex doesn’t do it for me because it’s cold and mechanical.

My 2 plus years with my ACOA-ex had its ups and downs, but the sex was always amazing. No trauma or triggers in that department (unlike my BPD-ex). Sometimes, we’d have sex multiple times in one day. We were like teenagers in love, if you can call it love.

The sex was amazing because the rapport was amazing. We enjoyed the same things. We were both sensitive to each other’s needs. We supported each other when it came to our respective careers. We listened to each other’s stories. We hugged each other when the other person needed it, even when we thought we didn’t need it.

Sex was the cherry on top. But the ice cream was the relationship. As dysfunctional as it was, it could be (most of the time) fantastic and nuturing. When she wasn’t being insecure and irrational, she was being attentive to my needs. She was sweet and caring. When I fell asleep on the subway, she lovingly pulled my head onto her shoulders.

She was my constant companion because I could think of no one else I would rather spend my time with. I took her everywhere. Most people would have felt suffocated, but I enjoyed having her by my side.

I know, it’s terribly sappy. But these are the needs I speak of- the need to feel loved. There is nothing sexier than someone who can make you feel that way.

Unfortunately, for me, even the loving ones have issues. I don’t waste my time with emotionally unavailable women (and vice versa), which is why I tell people not to worry about me going in that direction. That’s not me.

The danger to me is women who alternate between being emotionally attentive and running away from intimacy. This is the bane of my existence. Sadly, these are the only women who have made themselves available to me.

So what am I to do? Live in isolation? Zip up the plastic bubble? Join the priesthood? Run from the sight of women? Adopt an Avoidance Personality Disorder? Become jaded and angry like everyone else?

I am only human. I am a man with needs. I am also a man who has been through the ringer more than once. Subsequently, I have learned my lessons.

But I also believe avoidance is not the answer. I do believe a healthy woman is waiting for me out there. I have not found her yet. But I want to believe she is out there somewhere.

So for now, I settle for the company of troubled women. I’m not interested in “saving” them or any other kind of delusional relationship. I’m only interested in being a man enjoying the company of a woman. That’s not me being a womanizer. That’s me being human.

If I bounce from one relationship to another, it’s because these relationships never last. They implode despite my intervention or best efforts. I would be more than happy to have wild sex with one woman for the rest of my life. But I have not found that one woman who has the kind of emotional stability that I need and deserve. So I keep one foot out the door.

I keep one foot out the door, because those loving women, who are so good at making me feel loved, always have one foot out the door. Their love has proven, time and time again, to be fleeting. This situation is not ideal or healthy. But it is my reality.

My ACOA-ex hates me because I always had one foot out the door. But she could not provide me with safe sanctuary. She could not adequately prove her undying love. As long as she continued blocking my number, hanging out with swingers, having dinner with “guy friends”, I would always have one foot out the door. That was the deal. That is always the deal.

That doesn’t make me an abusive womanizer who gets sick pleasure from hurting women. That makes me a wounded warrior, protecting his heart from being stomped on with complete disregard by emotionally troubled women.

These are my rules of engagement, because I am an imperfect man living in an imperfect world. If I did live in a perfect world, my choice would be simple- I would run from crazies into the arms of a loving woman who would love me forever. But that is still a fantasy and I am still chasing a unicorn that may or may not exist.

2 Responses to “One Foot Out the Door”

  1. Megan said

    SD I’ve been reading you for a long time. For some odd reason that video Wicked Game by Chris Isaak always pops in my mind. You a beautiful man always trying to love a beautiful runaway.


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