Tales of a Runaway

January 22, 2015

It’s ironic that my Borderline-ex’s marriage failed at the same time my ACOA-ex leaves our relationship in ruins. They are both runaways.

They both ran away from home, because home is where their problems started. They never learned to deal with their problems or their families. They only know how to run. Go back to when this blog first started and you will find more posts on this topic.

My Borderline-ex was a runaway bride on more than one occasion. So it was not a surprise to me that her marriage failed. I was waiting for it. It was absurd for her friends and family to think that marriage would last forever. But that is the power of denial and the absurdity of enablers.

With every relationship, these troubled women think that they have found the One. But that is a lie they tell themselves to justify life on the run. They are not capable of intimacy. Intimacy fills them with irrational fear. The more intimacy, the more fear. The more fear, the more they are compelled to run and hide. How can such a relationship possibly last?

I had the good sense to tell my BPD-ex that I would not follow her to LA. I had the good sense to tell my ACOA-ex to not speak of moving in together. This was not my own fear of intimacy. This was my fear of troubled women. But this made them fear rejection even more. They knew I knew too much.

This knowledge would trigger their runaway response. They were slowly distancing themselves and pulling me in at the same time. That is why my Spidey-sense was tingling. It was not my imagination. It was my own self-defense mechanism at work.

Something inside of me was telling me NOT to get close to these women. I had been down this road before. When I asked my ACOA-ex why she would always block my number, and not her cheating ex’s or her cheating father’s, she told me it was because she loved me. That was proof that she was blocking intimacy. She was keeping me at a safe distance.

Every time we got close, she would start a fight and make outlandish accusations. Whenever we had a good time, she would find a way to make it a bad memory. Sabotage was in her bones and yet she still blames me.

Neither of these women allowed me to walk away from the relationship. Because they wanted to be the one who walked away. To normal people, that seems like such a petty detail. But to a troubled woman, it’s everything. They MUST be the one who broke up with you. They will lure you back just to be the one who walks away.

My ego let me believe they wanted me to stay. But they were just playing me , stringing me along until such time that they could find a suitable replacement. Usually that means finding some clueless Joe who has no idea what’s coming. Once they have that safety net, you will be shocked how cold and callous they become.

But don’t be shocked. That was never love. These troubled women would never allow that. Intimacy triggers their self-defense mechanisms aka sabotage mode. They will blame you. But the evidence is in their string of failed relationships. They have a talent for pushing men away, because that is how they learned to avoid emotional pain.

A runaway is a coward who doesn’t have the courage to face her fears of intimacy. So she concocts stories to cover her trail. Because all trails lead back to her and her traumatic past. Her problems began long before she met you.

42 Responses to “Tales of a Runaway”

  1. Robert said

    You have no idea how many people you wrote this commentary for! Well written, and right on the mark for all of us that had the misfortune of dealing with disordered people.

  2. lansealan said

    Amen SD
    We are all brothers here learning to be better men and humans.
    Unfortunately, or…fortunately ( depending on how you look at it) we sometimes learn the hard way. We find that the issues stem from within ourselves as to why our attraction to these emotional vampires.
    Thank God for your blog and also Shari Shrieber…people who know the truth behind bpd women and tell it like the cancer that it is. As for me…no more sympathy, no more Mr. Nice guy…how bout just no more period. 4-1/2 yrs of trying to make sense of it all…its literally almost killed me.
    Thank you again SD…love reading your posts…don’t stop

  3. MovingForward85 said

    Well written mate. I hope you have now allowed yourself to identify the ‘red flags’ and to stay well clear. I’d like to hear more about your recovery than about these bpd exes, i think that too would help your readers.

    • savorydish said

      Thanks MF. I will write more about seeing redflags. Funny thing is I now see redflags everywhere. There are women I stay away from as soon as I see them. But there is always one that sneaks by my defenses.

  4. naples104 said

    SD, I would speculate that it was not ego that kept you in these relationships, ego is not a bad thing, it can protect us from negative influence and give us the confidence to take a challenge that may otherwise seem over whelming. I would say that it was the need to fix that kept you in the relationships, thus the co-dependency of people like us that are like catnip to these people. They go crazy for us until the feeling turns from love to fear and then they do what the do best, run, split and go black. They have no object permanency as opposed to the co-dependent that will stay attached like boa constrictor trying to fix the broken one in an effort to get the love that we never received when were growing up. It is a vicious cycle that always ends circling the drain. Continue to work on you SD, I fight back the fears every day of fixing and co-dependency and most times it works, sometimes the old Tom leaks out and causes havoc.

    Tom

    • savorydish said

      The reason I kept them at a distance was because our relationship was contigent on these women getting better. I sent them both to a therapist office because I knew I could not help them. So why stay? There was always a glimmer of hope. After sending someone to a therapist, you feel obligated to stand by their side.

    • savorydish said

      Thanks for your support, Tom

  5. m said

    i permitted her to leave me twice, always in the worst mode, like she likes. with a message or an sms. never face to face.
    now, is funny. a part of me misses her, the other part hopes she contacts me to wound her, to hurt her as she wound me.

    • naples104 said

      M, these people are experts at hurt and you cannot out gun them in that department. They have an ability to just turn you off like you never existed, read about object permanency. The best thing to do is discover why you are attracted to these people and fix that. Your need to lash out is really an attempt to fix her and you cannot fix her. She is terrorist as it relates to a relationship. If she is a BPD she is not capable of feelings, empathy, compassion or reason on an adult level. She is a hurt child with nuclear weapons.

      • m said

        u are right, and absolutely is useless thinking of them.
        but, i m not so sure the cant be hurt. of course, isnt a break heart the reason… but the losing of control.
        i think they can be crazy when they feeling to lose the control of the partner.
        last time she contacted me, i suppose was for this reason. to see if i was still her doormat. once she had her asnwer, she blocked me again.

  6. Marie said

    Savory Dish,
    My dear friend, this is very well written and very true for both women and men with BPD. Your true healing will only take place once you let them go completely. It worries me that you are still keeping tabs on these nightmares. Whether the BPD was a significant other, a family member or a friend at some point you have to completely move on and not keep track of what is happening with them. Once you are able to completely let go then you will finally heal and be able to keep yourself away from other people like this. Don’t be hoovered back and if someone is informing you about them well that needs to stop. You already know they will ruin other people’s lives you don’t need to witness it.
    I speak as someone who did it. I left my mother more than 20 years ago now and she was very sick…almost a psychopath. As for the ex boyfriend with BPD I could care less what he is up to.
    I know you give each person a BIG piece of yourself but you didn’t fail, they did. They are not capable of having a normal, loving relationship they are emotionally impaired and will only get worse as they age.
    Surround yourself with those who truly love you and stay away from everyone else.
    Hugs,
    Marie

    • naples104 said

      euphoric recall is very powerful and keeps us in a loop of thinking that “if they could just…” and we bargain with ourselves through the grieving process thinking that maybe we could make a course adjustment that would bring back all the good things, (which generally were not so good or frequent). This is the cycle that needs to be broken and address ourselves to see why we do not feel worthy of a better partner or relationship. You cannot fix crazy in someone else but you can fix crazy in your self.

      Tom

    • savorydish said

      You’re absolutely right, Marie. But keeping tabs is helping me realize how fortunate I am that I didn’t follow my bpd-ex to LA. I need to know I made the right decision.

      • Marie said

        SD,
        Deep down you already knew that and now that you know for sure you can totally let go. You deserve to heal and then be able to be happy with someone normal in the future. If you keep tabs then you will be reminding yourself of all the pain again and perhaps start to think she wasn’t so bad after a while. Trust me when I say in this case “ignorance is bliss”.
        Hugs,
        Marie

      • savorydish said

        Your concerns are vaild. But it is important to remind myself of why those relationships were so awful. Especially, when I find myself back to where I was. I no longer look at my BPD ex with fondness or longing because of these reminders. But there are times when I do miss my ACOA ex. It is important to remind myself that they are the same woman. But thank you so much for your sincere concern. It means a lot.

  7. Very well written Sir , It took me a while to let go , a good long while I felt a deep deep sense of betrayal and I was not about to let that go , until I realized that she does that with each and every guy she get at some point , and she doubles back to guys that either are dumb or sugar coat who and what they know her to be. I don’t want no pin cushion of a woman like that. I can’t understand now days that almost every time I go out with someone and I mention that I understand the signs of BPD, or normally I’ll say Cluster-B and explain it , The woman just slides into the obiss , Like the song strangers in the night by Frank Sinatra…lol ,its funny to me . Savory I hope you can shake these people , you seem like a awfully good person , and you’ve helped a ton of people keep their sanity …We don’t want you to fall prey to them Sir.

    • Marie said

      Sammy, well said!
      Sd, you are welcome. I’m glad you know I’m sincere and that you appreciate the concern.
      How many lives have you and will you save here? Countless, priceless ones.
      Hugs,
      Marie

      • savorydish said

        You’re too kind. I’m no life-saver. Just a man struggling to figure out Life.

      • Hey there @ Marie, nice to hear from ya , your words have always be a source of inspiration, and solid truth to me glad you are doing well!!!

      • savorydish said

        Another reason I write these posts is because of my own guilt. I have to constantly remind myself it wasn’t my fault, because they are so good at laying blame. They claim I wasn’t committed enough. So therefore I deserve to be devaluated and shut out. All the good memories are forgotten. Part of reconstructing the Truth involves deconstructing the Lies. In order for me to find a healthy relationship, I have to feel that I am worthy.

      • lansealan said

        We have to focus on and constantly remind ourselves that we are validated by the loved ones and friends who truly are capable of empathy and reciprocal love…not the ones who tear us down in order to control us and get what they want. Which is the ultimate selfishness on their part. Could we ever genuinely trust someone with all their dishonesty, secrets, and ulterior motives?

      • savorydish said

        Well said. There can be a side that is sweet and supportive. But when the fear of abandonment creeps out, you see the side that tears people down.

      • Marie said

        SD,
        That makes perfect sense. Maybe because I was raised by 2 of these “people” and then dated a couple much later in life I understood the lesson of how they project all of their negative qualities onto their victims more quickly. It was like the last missing piece of a complex puzzle. Once I figured out that is what they were doing (and really at times even in the middle of an argument it’s almost comical) it became easy for me to see through that crap. Once I told one of my exes that his whole face changed when he was mad (really he looked like the devil with his expression) so during another argument he said the same thing to me. I was like, come on at least think of something original to say!
        You deserve a healthy, loving relationship with a normal person. Keep writing to us every time you need validation.
        Sammy, thank you, you are very sweet. I’m glad I have helped you. I’m also glad you have overcome your heartbreak and the hell you went through with your experience. If the women disappear on you, well, it’s because you pegged them and they had to find some sucker they can string along and abuse.
        Hugs,
        Marie

      • savorydish said

        Yeah, it’s really creepy when they parrot your words.

      • savorydish said

        The search for validation is really the reason why I write. To the uninitiated, such stories seem implausible. And many of my exes work hard to convince me that I was the crazy one. So I thank you for your validation.

  8. @Marie …God I told you , that you speak a solid turth that I can sense is coming from a good place, You are totally right here , I was through , I was heart broken , and then I turned around in a relationship that I haven’t even spoke of here yet. And had to endure treason from a family member , from a relationship that I was involved in just before I met the borderline. Its been a interesting last couple of years, LOL But I understand now that I must be willing to walk along. No one is going to come save me , I must save myself. I understand now!

  9. MovingForward85 said

    SD, i know how you feel and i understand why you feel the need to keep tabs on her for you own validation but remember, by doing so you are giving empowering her without her even knowing it. There are far healthier ways of moving on and healing without having to entertain the torture and torment that had plagued us whilst enduring that specific relationship.

    I liken it to a Tsunami, you can walk head first into it well knowing what danger is approaching or you can be smart and seek higher ground. You see, the advantage that we all have is knowing and now understanding what we have been through. I know now… it was not my fault. There’s no need to keep tabs to remind yourself, you very well know what you experienced.

    You need a POSITIVE path from here on. Looking back and feeling that hurt will only prolong the grieving and healing proccess.
    I too still check on FB once in a while to see how things are going with the ex, then after a couple seconds i think to myself… what am i doing… nothing changes for these poor people. Her new bf will unfortunately go through exactly what i did sometime or another. Then I snap out of it and carry on with my day. I just know that looking over my shoulder wont help me anymore than looking forward and correcting myself and my mistakes that led me to these poor souls.

    You know how you felt , you very well know what you had endured. You do not need any more validation. The longer you seek the longer your healing will be.

    Naples is absolutely spot on with what he said here.

    • MovingForward85 said

      Excuse the spelling errors. Tough typing and keeping track on my phone .

    • naples104 said

      It is hard to move on, the home you shared is full of the ghosts of that life and our brains remind of the good times to flood us with endorphins. I had to establish new rituals and force myself to engage in them. I bought a road bike and began riding it daily, I live in FL so that is easier for me. Out door rituals are easier for me because of the climate here. Don’t go to the places that you went to as a couple, it is way too hard. Talk to everyone in every public place, make them laugh. It will restore your confidence that you have value to others. Do every thing a bit different and let time have time, it does work. Most of all stay away from people that are mentally ill, they are the people we like to save but we cannot and they kill us.

      Tom

    • savorydish said

      I appreciate the concern, but writing it all down does help me. I know it doesn’t seem like it. But I can honestly tell you it has helped me considerably. It’s made me less of an emotional mess.

      I can look at that past and see clearly what was wrong. No rose colored glasses.

      I look at is as a de-sensitization process. The more I write about it, the less it harms me. Like slowly exposing yourself to snakes until they no longer strike fear in you.

      It’s less about keeping tabs on the past, and more about emotional distancing. The more I analyze and write, the more emotional distance.

      The proof is in my latest relationship break-up. Years ago, I would have been devastated. I miss her now and then, but it doesn’t feel like a tragic loss. That’s a huge step for me.

      • chump said

        Very good thread! SD, sometimes you have to bleed out in ink in order to see the experience in black and white. Mine finally became a list of facts…..red flags if you prefer, without emotion. Man you can read the plot now.

      • savorydish said

        Thanks, Chump. Seeing things in “black and white” is what I need. As another dysfunctional relationship ends, I find myself having to put things in context. Connecting the dots means going back to dots in the past in order to see how it fits the big picture.

  10. toughmat said

    I am over a year and a half out from my bpd ex and I am doing a lot better although I still miss her greatly and struggle with euphoric recall. However, I like euphoric recall. I can honestly look back with great love and compassion and especially gratitude for my ex that she got me to take myself to therapy and learn so much about my past, psychology, fear, and much more.

    I dont blame her or carry much anger anymore. I also realize I could have been a lot stronger with my boundary setting and not get caught up in her tests. I am reading that many women will test, not all like a bpd, but still test nonetheless. Some tests are too much and worth walking away from. For the co-dependent with a weak sense of self like I was, that was the case over and over again.

    My ex has a new bf now for several months and I have been following and justifying it as a need to know I did the right thing as well. I have seen some drama early on when they broke up and she accused him of cheating on facebook which definitely felt validating, but they got back together and have seemed calm from the very outside ever since. I dont know much. What I do know is that I have had a couple very friendly exchanges via text with her and they have been free of any drama, guilt, and nothing but mutual expression of gratitude for our experiences with one another. I think we both are ignoring the pain we went through, but why bring it up now? I have healed a lot and worked hard at it.

    Not all bpds are the same. Anger and hatred dont have to be part of the healing process unless you want them to be. My Dad used to tell me to get angry and my friend would carry that anger as well. Sure I got angry at times, but it doesnt go anywhere that I wanted to. The key for me has been to look at why I got involved, why I stayed involved, why I want to remain involved at times, and what I could have done better because I was not perfect by any means.

    For awhile therapy was all about being with her. Then about not being with her. Now its about me. ME ME ME. My life, my purpose, what I want to do. Saving myself. I have a ways to go, but harboring anger or resentment towards my ex isnt moving me forward. This blog was instrumental in my learning process about all of this and I am forever grateful to SD, Tom, Marie, and Nickheather.

    • naples104 said

      matt, thanks for sharing once again. We all helped one another. I have had no contact with my BPD and I think of her infrequently with both disdain and sorrow for her condition, but she is evil and sadly does not realize it. She is a child in so many ways but you cannot feel sorry for them. When I experienced the euphoric recall of the things we did together I was sad in the beginning of my recover but then I remembered all of the suffering I went through to have what I thought was fun. Retrospectively it was hell. SD has helped many with this blog and I am very grateful that found this forum, it was the beginning of my discovery of myself.

      Tom

  11. toughmat said

    I should clarify I went to therapy because I was losing myself and my mind. She never told me to go, nor did she really seem like she supported it. If anything, I think she felt threatened. I recall her looking up one of my old therapists and accusing me of picking her because she was hot.

    Also, I am not trying to give the illusion of anyone who is out of the clear. Again, I have a ways to go. My point of contention is the anger. At a certain point I think i numbed over a little.

    I am just happy that I went through it. so many lessons were learned. I feel like the awareness gained was worth it.

  12. toughmat said

    *illusion of anyone who is in the clear (or out of the pain, angst, etc.)

  13. A-Mau VDoc said

    As a bpd patient myself I just wanted to add that the pain you feel is not forgotten by the bpd person. And that her love was about being in love not about you. Its never about you, its about a serious condition bought on by trauma.

  14. A-Mau VDoc said

    Warning: this doesnt mean you should feel pity or start enabling destructive behavior, distance is often good ( warning lol)

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