The Secret Hatred of Men

January 25, 2015

I knew my borderline ex’s marriage was in trouble when she gave up blogging about weddings and went back to blogging about rape.

This represents the two personalities that occupy one woman. She is both a hopeless romantic who dreams of being happily married, but she is also a woman who harbors immeasurable rage towards men, all men.

She would never admit that she hates men. None of the troubled women I’ve known would. But every once in a while, they say things like “all men are pigs!” (the battle cry of perpetually angry women). Or they tell sob stories of fathers who were less than perfect, much less.

These aren’t your everyday daddy issues. They are the kind of stories that are hard to believe when you first hear them. Do families like this really exist? Can a family be so dysfunctional as to fill a person with infinite hatred towards the opposite sex?

When my BPD ex got her first job blogging for a feminist magazine, she couldn’t understand why I wasn’t more excited for her. I was supportive of many things in her life and I had always prided myself in being a supporter of feminists. That is, until I dated one.

My less than enthusiastic response was due to my fear that I was in a relationship with another Man Hater. Feminists, like her, will tell you that “misandry” is a made-up word, while accusing every man of being a “misogynist”.

Ironically, Man Haters cannot live without men. My BPD-ex goes through men like a womanizer goes through women. She uses men to fill a void that can’t be filled. She tosses men aside as easily as she uses them. Man Haters are unapologetic users of men.

My BPD ex isn’t a feminist. She is posing as one. She has abused women as well as men. Women, like my BPD-ex, become feminists because it legitimizes their hatred of men. In feminism, my BPD-ex found other angry women who would enable and excuse her rage. They would support her cries of victimhood.

My ACOA-ex has the same issues of self-imposed victimhood. She was always afraid that I would leave her for another woman. But she was projecting her own fear of intimacy. In the end, like so many before her did, she was the one who abandoned the relationship because the fear of rejection was too much for her. Her crippling insecurity got the best of her.

It is no coincidence that all her female friends struggle with intimacy. They share the same rage against men. Birds of a feather flock together. She often critiques her female buddies on their failures, but fails to see her own flaws. Her lack of self-awareness is her biggest flaw.

She assumes every man is a cheater and, at the same time, befriends swingers. She has so little self-awareness, she is unable to see her own hypocrisy. I actually had to point out the fact that her friends were swingers, not just artsy Burning Man-types. At first, she denied it (surprise, surprise). But eventually she could no longer deny the obvious.

Man Haters are overcome with the fear that they will be replaced by a younger/prettier woman. It never occurs to them, that they are pushing lovers away with their hidden rage.

Their denial of that rage keeps men at a safe distance. And the projection of their rage onto men makes any sensible man think twice about his relationship with a rage-filled woman.

Their relationships are stormy because every man reminds them of dear old dad. Because intimacy brings out their darkest side, the one that they keep under lock and key.

Man Haters are control freaks. That is how they contain their fears. Ironic, because they fear being controlled. They suffer paranoid-delusions that men are out to control them… worse yet, screw them over.

Man Haters are escape artists. They run from perceived danger- the threat of abandonment. They jump from one relationship to another. They move to the other side of the country. They change their identity.

My ACOA-ex ran away from home to “join the circus”. She prided herself on having a gypsy heart.To her, that meant working in the TV/Film industry and going to Burning Man. This was her escape from reality and self-examination. She would journey to far off lands to distract herself from the demons within.

My BPD-ex went back to writing about rape, because that is who she is… who she will always be. That is the lens through which she views all men. Whether it happened in college, or at an age she doesn’t care to remember, is inconsequential. The net effect is the same. The way she treats men is a result of that dark history.

She could not pretend to be happily married forever. Even the greatest actress must break character every now and then. She was merely playing a part that never fit her.

Unless she commits herself to honesty and treatment, she will continue treating men badly. Her unapologetic ways will ensure that her life will be lonely and filled with misery… and rejection. A woman who hates men as much as she claims men hate women is a hypocrite. She can not see that she is her worst enemy.

Tales of a Runaway

January 22, 2015

It’s ironic that my Borderline-ex’s marriage failed at the same time my ACOA-ex leaves our relationship in ruins. They are both runaways.

They both ran away from home, because home is where their problems started. They never learned to deal with their problems or their families. They only know how to run. Go back to when this blog first started and you will find more posts on this topic.

My Borderline-ex was a runaway bride on more than one occasion. So it was not a surprise to me that her marriage failed. I was waiting for it. It was absurd for her friends and family to think that marriage would last forever. But that is the power of denial and the absurdity of enablers.

With every relationship, these troubled women think that they have found the One. But that is a lie they tell themselves to justify life on the run. They are not capable of intimacy. Intimacy fills them with irrational fear. The more intimacy, the more fear. The more fear, the more they are compelled to run and hide. How can such a relationship possibly last?

I had the good sense to tell my BPD-ex that I would not follow her to LA. I had the good sense to tell my ACOA-ex to not speak of moving in together. This was not my own fear of intimacy. This was my fear of troubled women. But this made them fear rejection even more. They knew I knew too much.

This knowledge would trigger their runaway response. They were slowly distancing themselves and pulling me in at the same time. That is why my Spidey-sense was tingling. It was not my imagination. It was my own self-defense mechanism at work.

Something inside of me was telling me NOT to get close to these women. I had been down this road before. When I asked my ACOA-ex why she would always block my number, and not her cheating ex’s or her cheating father’s, she told me it was because she loved me. That was proof that she was blocking intimacy. She was keeping me at a safe distance.

Every time we got close, she would start a fight and make outlandish accusations. Whenever we had a good time, she would find a way to make it a bad memory. Sabotage was in her bones and yet she still blames me.

Neither of these women allowed me to walk away from the relationship. Because they wanted to be the one who walked away. To normal people, that seems like such a petty detail. But to a troubled woman, it’s everything. They MUST be the one who broke up with you. They will lure you back just to be the one who walks away.

My ego let me believe they wanted me to stay. But they were just playing me , stringing me along until such time that they could find a suitable replacement. Usually that means finding some clueless Joe who has no idea what’s coming. Once they have that safety net, you will be shocked how cold and callous they become.

But don’t be shocked. That was never love. These troubled women would never allow that. Intimacy triggers their self-defense mechanisms aka sabotage mode. They will blame you. But the evidence is in their string of failed relationships. They have a talent for pushing men away, because that is how they learned to avoid emotional pain.

A runaway is a coward who doesn’t have the courage to face her fears of intimacy. So she concocts stories to cover her trail. Because all trails lead back to her and her traumatic past. Her problems began long before she met you.

Daddy Issues

January 13, 2015

It’s a bit of a cliche. But I can tell you daddy issues are real. Show me a woman who had a bad father and I will show you a woman who struggles with intimacy.

I never really thought about alcoholism until I started dating daughters of alcoholics. I grew up with parents who hardly touched the stuff. My dad can’t even finish a whole beer.

I have since learned that alcoholism is just the tip of the iceberg- a symptom of a much bigger problem.

When a woman tells you that alcoholism has been in her family for generations she might be telling you that her family has a history of personality disorders and self-medication.

When she tells you about family drama, she is telling you that she was conditioned for chaos. And her behavior will reflect that.

Expect her to be a drama queen. Expect her to start a fight at inopportune moments and carry a grudge like you wouldn’t believe.

My father was less than perfect. Moody as hell. But I appreciate the fact that he did not drink. It would have made his mood swings even worse.

So I can only imagine what it is like to live in a household where addiction is ever-present. The instability would cause anyone to fear abandonment.

Some of these women also witnessed infidelity in their families. My parents fought a lot. It was distressing to see my parents scream at each other. Maybe even traumatic.

But as bad as things got, they would find a way to work it out. I was grateful that neither of them cheated on each other. Because I have seen how parental infidelity can create terrible insecurities.

The last woman I dated was obsessed with infidelity. Scarred by it, really. She witnessed it as child and then experienced it in her adulthood. She often accused me of it.

One time, she came over and I was doing my laundry. She suspected that, because I was washing my bed sheets, I must have slept with another woman. Every woman I knew was a suspect. She assumed I slept with everyone.

She claimed she had a sixth sense about these things. But it is more accurate to say that she was traumatized and this made her hyper-sensitive. Delusional at times. Constantly looking for evidence of my infidelity. It got old, quick.

This behavior only made me keep my distance. I ended the relationship many times because it was incessant. Not because I wanted to sleep with other women. I was satisfied in that department. It was the emotional department that made me wonder if I deserved better.

I kept my distance because she was moody and quick-tempered. She could be sweet and loving one minute and then one wrong word would cause her to flip out. It reminded me too much of my last borderline ex.

Every time she shut me out and blocked my number, I withdrew even more. She did that so many times I can’t even count. And then she wonders why I wouldn’t commit and why I kept putting on the brakes.

In an effort to make me feel guilty, she told me she tried so hard to love me. But she is delusional. I told her over and over again she needed to work on her issues first.

She didn’t visit a therapist until after I broke up with her for the last time. And that was only so she could complain about MY issues. Not hers.

I was not shy about telling her about my concerns. But she ignored them. Rarely did she ever apologize for all the horrible fits of rage or passive-aggressive tactics.

Under these circumstance how could she claim that she tried to make it work? How could she expect me to take the relationship seriously?

Every time she would block my number, I’d go out and try to forget about her. I wasn’t going to sit home and feel sorry for myself or wait by the phone until she felt like calling me again.

But according to her, that was evidence that I was unfaithful. Because if I was faithful, I would have continued to call a number that was blocked. I was to sit obediently in the doghouse. No thanks.

Time and time again, I took her back, hoping she would see the error of her ways. But that only served to reinforce her bad habits. It said that no matter how badly she behaved I would always take her back.

I did this because whenever my parents fought, my dad would take my mom back and forget anything that was said. This was my horrible model for relationships.

The fear of rejection is strong in the woman I recently broke up with. She claims I don’t communicate with her properly. But in reality, she doesn’t listen when I say things she doesn’t want to hear. She does not take criticism well.

Every time I would talk about her past or point out her daddy issues, she would accuse me of verbal abuse. And then made the suggestion that anyone capable of verbal abuse was also capable of physical abuse.

That was a huge red flag for me. I knew this relationship was doomed when she started making wild accusations and suppositions.

I had seen this act before and I knew it would not end well. I knew this was a woman addicted to victimhood.

You would think that she would be happy to finally learn why she acts the way she does. But she probably has no
idea. When you grow up dysfunctional,
that is normal for you.

She has serious daddy issues. A daddy who once kicked her out of the house because he didn’t like the guy she was dating. This is where she gets her fear of abandonment/rejection.

But she insists that she and her father have made amends. She was so desperate for his love, she donated a kidney when his failed. In essence, she was always looking for the love she did not get as a child. It took one of her organs to get her heart’s desire.

I suppose that is why I attract women like this. I give them the love and affection they never got as a child.

A child raised by neglectful parents is like a person who hasn’t eaten for days. They are starved for attention. They will call you everyday, text you every hour. Until they block you and tell you to move the fuck on.

When that childhood fear of abandonment creeps up, then look out. You will see the darkside. You will feel the sharp pain of someone stabbing you in the back and then wiping you from existence. This is their form of justice. Abandonment is in their blood.

Fight and flight. These are the two modes of operation for a woman with daddy issues. A woman who uses either tactic as a weapon is a silent abuser.

She is lying if she says she isn’t trying to hurt you. She is in denial because she doesn’t want to acknowledge how much she is hurting you.

She is in too much pain to think about yours. Pain that causes her to over-react and blow things out of proportion.

The truth is part of her IS punishing you for re-awakening feelings she has worked very hard to forget.

Women with unresolved (untreated) daddy issues are reluctant to punish their fathers. So instead, they punish you. You are the surrogate. You are the punching bag. Whatever toxic hatred they have built up over a lifetime is now unleashed upon you.

It’s not just women. I have seen the effects of alcoholic/abusive fathers on men as well. The effects are identical. We can no longer deny the effect that alcoholism and abuse have on children. We must learn to recognize the signs of ACOA and BPD.

We are all reluctant to say we had bad parents. But none of us would be in this situation if that were NOT the case.

I’m not talking about blaming parents for doing a shitty job. I’m talking about acknowledging the harm that has been done and then taking measures to treat the harm.

Because these disorders are both traumatic and contagious. Without aggressive and lengthy treatment, it will spread like a virus ruining one life after another. Until we say enough is enough.

Anybody walking around with an untreated head wound would be considered crazy. But we witness people walking around with emotional trauma and we say nothing. We shrug our shoulders as if we expect such trauma to heal itself.

ACOAs and BPs are not evil. The last woman I dated was a wonderful person. At times, she was very supportive and sensitive to my needs. That’s why I loved her. But she was too sensitive and that made it feel like walking across a minefield.

When you are in love with someone you try to make it work. It’s just terribly frustrating when you realize there is nothing you can do… except cut your losses.