Thanks to All

November 28, 2014

Thank you to everyone, for their enthusiastic support. I would reply to each and everyone of you, but I think it’s just easier to respond to all of you at once. But please know I appreciate all of your heartfelt replies. I have come to see you as my extended family. You certainly know more about me than most.

I have indeed failed to take my own advice. Sadly, I am fully aware of where I have failed myself. I am frustrated as well. It is always easier to dole out advice than it is to follow it. Knowledge of the disease does not make you immune to it. That’s why I’m not a shrink. I can only inform people using my own mistakes as an example of what NOT to do.

What I fail to offer as a role-model, I make up for with familiar stories… stories that confirm what others, like me, know all too well.

At the time, inviting my ex to dinner, seemed harmless enough. She claims she is seeing a shrink twice a week and dutifully attending ACOA meetings. She showed no signs of hostility. Although I did sense that every time we had a “good talk”, she would immediately distance herself. That is the way it has always been.

I am Tantalus, a Greek tragedy waiting to be written. I see the dangling grapes before me, close enough to imagine the taste but sufficiently far enough to never know it’s taste. This is not a romanticized excuse for why I failed, it’s an accurate depiction of why I do what I do for those who rightfully ask WHY?

Outsiders will never know why I do what I do. It is true that I am crazy…
crazy for letting these women into my life over and over again. We are all trying to fix the past. I do it through these damaged women. In my own troubled mind, I believe that if I just fix ONE, then I will have fixed all of them.

It is like the gambler who thinks if he just rolls the dice one more time, he will win enough to make up for all his losses. Once again, this is not an excuse but an explanation. If I fail to save myself, at least others know why I failed.

I am tortured by relationships that end EXACTLY the way the last one did. I fool myself into thinking the one in hand is different than the last one, she is less fucked up than the last one. Which may be true, but fucked up nonetheless.

Each one seems more hopeful than the last, which gives the appearance of betterment. If she is going to therapy twice a week, I think “well, that’s an improvement”. I fool myself into believing this is it. This is the one who will restore my faith in love. And then the mask invariably falls off.

It is only after rounds and rounds of failed attempts, that you finally see the REALITY of who you are dealing with… who you have always been dealing with. These troubled souls can only put on an act for so long. When they can put on no more acts, that’s when they really let you have it.

When they know the jig is up, they go FULL CRAZY on you.
When they have the safety blanket of having acquired a brand new replacement (an unwitting victim), they burn the old one down to the ground, including evidence of all their wrongdoing.

She says I need help and she is probably right. But she thinks if I seek help, all her issues will magically melt away. That is her way of saying it was all my fault. Do not mistaken it for concern for my well-being. It is her way of projecting her illness onto me. She is as addicted to the Blame Game as I am to troubled souls. A dysfunctional match made in hell.

She no longer remembers telling me she contemplated suicide. Ah yes, I’ve seen this disappearing act before, where claims of suicidal thoughts magically disappear at the exact moment she has found another victim to manipulate… to torment.

She has found another one she believes is the ONE. And he is soooo much nicer and loving than I ever was. Perfect in every way. Aren’t they always?

I will be fine. With each fucked up relationship, I become a little less emotionally attached. I care a little less. I don’t fall to pieces as easily as I use to. I am back on the bachelor trail. My sense of independence is fully intact.

The downside is I have become more cynical and jaded. I have, over the years, become desensitized to heartbreak, maybe even a little dead inside. But sometimes you have to silence that part of you that cares too much just so you can carry on.

9 Responses to “Thanks to All”

  1. Lanse said

    Thank you SD, very eloquent and spot on! Thank God for awareness, perseverance, and hopefully the forgiveness of ourselves. We will overcome.

  2. Robert said

    Savory, we become the very same person they are, but are different in the way where we still have the empathy, compassion and consideration they lack. We have to a certain degree been traumatized, but haven’t developed a personality disorder. This takes time and therapy that can be everything from medical to just being with people that are real human beings to show us the way. Hang in there buddy, because trauma to the heart takes a long time to heal. I’m rooting for you and hope you get over the empathetic and compassionate things you want to do for her. I too have become numb and hold back further than I ever had to give my heart so rapidly! Hang in there and we all will survive sooner or later, so keep your chin up and keep striving for the sanity they tried to take away from us!!


  3. jhan1969 said

    You’re not becoming more cynical and jaded; you’re becoming SMARTER.

    I still hate my borderline ex. Not the kind of hate that keeps me up at night. It’s the kind of hate that reminds me not to get involved with another woman like her. As far as I’m concerned, that’s a good kind of hate.

    About a year ago, I went out on a few dates with a really hot woman. She seemed friendly enough, but . . . the signs were there in her backstory. Same stuff as my ex’s. Not as bad, but there nonetheless.

    She was rearing to go, this woman. Ready to throw down on the second date. But I let it go. I dropped her off and didn’t call her. Nothing. It was MY DECISION TO MAKE, and I didn’t owe her or anyone else an explanation. If I ‘aint into it, I ‘aint into it. I don’t owe her or anyone else SHIT.

    You gotta kill the NICE GUY inside, dude. The NICE GUY is a liar. The NICE GUY has ulterior motives. The NICE GUY is using his ‘niceness’ to try and fix something. What is it you’re tying to fix? What corrective experience are you trying to have?

    The NICE GUY isn’t all that nice, when it comes down to it. That’s why a lot of women don’t like NICE GUYS. They sense something ulterior about them. ‘Why is this guy being so f__ing nice to me? We hardly know each other. What does he want? Is he just trying to get in my pants? is he trying to heal his relationship with his mommy through me? WTF DUDE!!’ This is what SMART WOMEN think when they find themselves with a ‘NICE GUY.’

    For me, it was this: “If I can make this totally insane person SANE, she’ll love me, and I’ll prove to the world that I AM loveable!!’

    That was my script. It also didn’t hurt that she was hot. I could parade her around my friends like a trophy, like I WON at life or something. That was MY bad. MY insecurity. I might have felt some shame at that, but I didn’t try and apologize to her. I was told by a respected professional that she would just use that for her own ends, so I dealt with it on my own and dropped it. I vowed that, for whatever reason, I would never do something like that again. Not for the OTHER person’s sake, but for my own dignity.

    Besides, in a mutual hostage situation, no one owes anyone any apologies 😉 When two people sign up for something voluntarily, it’s all on them. My ex wrote a letter trying to apologize to me. I scanned it to see if she was telling me she was pregnant or had an STD. I saw none of that, so I crumpled the letter up, went outside, and threw it down a sewer grate.

    I don’t need her apologies to feel better. I just need to get my OWN shit together. THAT’S what’ll make me feel better. She’s just an asshole. There are lots of assholes in the world. Unless they’re signing my checks, I ignore them.

  4. jhan1969 said

    And, for people like us, as far as THERAPISTS go; it’s important to find a therapist who isn’t a pussy and will tell you the truth straight up. Most of us need a smack upside the head in therapy, not a blanket and scented candles.

    My therapist told me, in no short terms, that I ACTIVELY SOUGHT OUT f__ed up women, and that made me as sick as they were. He offered to make me a sign that said ‘Sick Women Apply Here’ so that I could hang it around my neck. I became good friends with this therapist, Guy probably saved my f__ing life.

  5. toughmat said

    Savory, its great to hear from you and like everyone said, unfortunately during difficult circumstances. My ex and I have been apart for about 1 year and a half and I have not seen her since although we have texted on and off mostly about her health issues. About 3-4 months ago, she started dating a 21 year old who went to the same high school as I did and also played soccer. She and I are both 33 years old. I can see some of their relationship on facebook and she writes lovey dovey stuff here and there but im not facebook friends with either of them so the viewing is limited. It stung a lot when I first found out. I have heard from people that know him he is a nice kid but is immature and smokes lot of weed. My ex hated the very few times I ever took a puff from my friends joint. The first few days they broke up on facebook and she wrote publicly that it was a false alarm since she found out he cheated on her and she removed their relationship status. For me, it was incredibly validating and I admit I felt some relief. Then they predictably got back together and it seems like its been smooth ever since. I have not had contact with her since the relationship but just yesterday I decided to text her a nice text and she wrote back some nice stuff. She said “you dont have to stay away for my sake, but i understand if you need to”. Kind of weird, and maybe she likes to keep her options like I have heard many borderlines do. She has been pretty nice in every exchange and I start thinking that she is getting along fine with the new guy and that I really messed up. I do well when I think that it just wasnt healthy at the time, and that is ok. I learned a lot, I have grown tremendously, and it is pretty unlikely she has changed all that much. I hope she has, but that doesnt mean I should have stayed or that I should go back. Right now i am enjoying being alone and some casual dating. No women have compared with my ex for me in terms of how into them I am. BUt I was obsessed with her, saving her, etc. There was and is some real love, but a lot of it was the unhealthy stuff that we both brought to the dynamic. My understanding of everything remains a work in progress. Some people cant believe I am not completely over her yet and I just laugh inside. All of us here know a bpd relationship is a different dynamic, but we have to be careful not to feel like special little snowflakes or victims. Worse shit than falling for crazy happens on this planet. Most of what we miss is based on what Carl Jung calls anima or animus. Things about the other person we desire in ourselves. Things we think they brought out in us but really live within us. Like you said SD, we want to save a symbol, not necessarily them, as real as it feels. Nowadays, Im trying to save myself. This blog has been a massive teacher and outlet for me and I am grateful for it.

  6. toughmat said

    I can relate to a lot of Jhans comments. However, I dont have the same level of anger towards my ex. I probably should, and maybe still need to kill my nice guy. Great points Jhan! Hopefully the beginning of my first post made sense about my ex and her dating a new guy and me watching from a distance on facebook. That is another issue altogether. Me excusing that self destructive behavior by saying to myself it is important to see her patterns. Maybe, but it also keeps me stuck in the past. I will start killing my nice guy.

  7. I think it was Richard Bach in his book Illusions that said: “you teach best what you most need to learn.” I’ve definitely been THERE. LOL.

    The turnaround for me came when I found Shari Schreiber’s articles:

    There is an end to the “lather, rinse, repeat” cycle of unhealthy relationships and it usually comes when you are able to truly know yourself and then seek out mutual and reciprocal partners.

    • Toughmat said

      What is the difference between things this woman says most women do and the way she expresses normal
      Female behavior versus that of a borderline? From the 11th minute on she talks about tactics women do or things women do to shit test men. These are some of the same reasons why i left my ex. Got me thinking i should have stayed and put up with it for the prize.

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