November 28, 2014
Thank you to everyone, for their enthusiastic support. I would reply to each and everyone of you, but I think it’s just easier to respond to all of you at once. But please know I appreciate all of your heartfelt replies. I have come to see you as my extended family. You certainly know more about me than most.
I have indeed failed to take my own advice. Sadly, I am fully aware of where I have failed myself. I am frustrated as well. It is always easier to dole out advice than it is to follow it. Knowledge of the disease does not make you immune to it. That’s why I’m not a shrink. I can only inform people using my own mistakes as an example of what NOT to do.
What I fail to offer as a role-model, I make up for with familiar stories… stories that confirm what others, like me, know all too well.
At the time, inviting my ex to dinner, seemed harmless enough. She claims she is seeing a shrink twice a week and dutifully attending ACOA meetings. She showed no signs of hostility. Although I did sense that every time we had a “good talk”, she would immediately distance herself. That is the way it has always been.
I am Tantalus, a Greek tragedy waiting to be written. I see the dangling grapes before me, close enough to imagine the taste but sufficiently far enough to never know it’s taste. This is not a romanticized excuse for why I failed, it’s an accurate depiction of why I do what I do for those who rightfully ask WHY?
Outsiders will never know why I do what I do. It is true that I am crazy…
crazy for letting these women into my life over and over again. We are all trying to fix the past. I do it through these damaged women. In my own troubled mind, I believe that if I just fix ONE, then I will have fixed all of them.
It is like the gambler who thinks if he just rolls the dice one more time, he will win enough to make up for all his losses. Once again, this is not an excuse but an explanation. If I fail to save myself, at least others know why I failed.
I am tortured by relationships that end EXACTLY the way the last one did. I fool myself into thinking the one in hand is different than the last one, she is less fucked up than the last one. Which may be true, but fucked up nonetheless.
Each one seems more hopeful than the last, which gives the appearance of betterment. If she is going to therapy twice a week, I think “well, that’s an improvement”. I fool myself into believing this is it. This is the one who will restore my faith in love. And then the mask invariably falls off.
It is only after rounds and rounds of failed attempts, that you finally see the REALITY of who you are dealing with… who you have always been dealing with. These troubled souls can only put on an act for so long. When they can put on no more acts, that’s when they really let you have it.
When they know the jig is up, they go FULL CRAZY on you.
When they have the safety blanket of having acquired a brand new replacement (an unwitting victim), they burn the old one down to the ground, including evidence of all their wrongdoing.
She says I need help and she is probably right. But she thinks if I seek help, all her issues will magically melt away. That is her way of saying it was all my fault. Do not mistaken it for concern for my well-being. It is her way of projecting her illness onto me. She is as addicted to the Blame Game as I am to troubled souls. A dysfunctional match made in hell.
She no longer remembers telling me she contemplated suicide. Ah yes, I’ve seen this disappearing act before, where claims of suicidal thoughts magically disappear at the exact moment she has found another victim to manipulate… to torment.
She has found another one she believes is the ONE. And he is soooo much nicer and loving than I ever was. Perfect in every way. Aren’t they always?
I will be fine. With each fucked up relationship, I become a little less emotionally attached. I care a little less. I don’t fall to pieces as easily as I use to. I am back on the bachelor trail. My sense of independence is fully intact.
The downside is I have become more cynical and jaded. I have, over the years, become desensitized to heartbreak, maybe even a little dead inside. But sometimes you have to silence that part of you that cares too much just so you can carry on.
November 27, 2014
Putting the blog behind me was my way of moving forward, but sadly I have not escaped my problems. Troubled people continue to disrupt my life. I didn’t really have a need to post for a while… until today.
It was suppose to be a Happy Thanksgiving, but things took an unpleasant turn. My sister was coming into town. And in the spirit of the holiday season, I invited my ex to join us. She really liked my sister and my family, so I thought she might enjoy it.
Although we are no longer together, we had been exchanging pleasant texts for the last couple of weeks and she mentioned she was not flying home for the holidays.
So I invited her because I didn’t want her to be alone for the holidays. Although, I did so with some hesitation… and for good reason. I never know how she’s going to react.
Boy, was that a mistake. It was an act of kindness that was not well-received.
Apparently, I’m an asshole for inviting her to share Thanksgiving dinner with us.
To say she did not react well is an understatement. She lashed out at me with all she had. The pleasant texts were forgotten and she split me black once again, as she had done periodically in our relationship.
A week ago, we were reminiscing about a restaurant we had gone to but now was permanently closed. Fast forward a week later, and she claims she wants nothing to do with me.
Although she has said that before. I can’t even count the number of times she told me never to contact her again. And then a week later, she is in my bed again.
All she had to do was say “no thank you”, and I would have been perfectly fine with it. But she used it as an opportunity to blame me for everything that went wrong in the relationship. It is not in her character to say she missed me so. It hurts her pride.
Saying how I ruined everything was her way of telling me she missed me. She was too proud to say how much she loved me, so instead she told me how much I hurt her and treated her like shit.
Which couldn’t be further from the truth. Because if it were true she wouldn’t have come back to me over and over again for two years. Her friends wouldn’t have told her that they’ve never seen her happier.
But the stories change when troubled women slip into devaluation mode… when they are desperately trying to emotionally detach themselves. Suddenly, the friends that said they’ve never seen her happier, now say they can’t stand me. This is according to my jaded ex.
Whenever she splits me black, she forgets all the nice things I do for her. She forgets why she keeps coming back to me. She conveniently forgets many things… when it’s convenient for her.
Once again, she accused me of sleeping with my neighbor. Not because it was true, but because she was always threatened by her. And once she gets something in her mind, it is impossible to change it. She is obsessed with cheating because her last ex and her father were both cheaters. So therefore, I must be a cheater.
The funny thing is she claims she is still good friends with her ex and things have never been better with her father- the abusive drunk father she claimed threw her out of the house because he didn’t like the guy she was dating.
So if her life has always been filled with abusive men, then why am I the only one she shuts out on a regular basis? She claims the difference is she loves me. And yet she will deny that she is afraid of intimacy.
If I suggest that she has serious issues or remind her of her traumatic past, she accuses me of being abusive. The past is too painful for her. So when I remind her of it, she attributes the pain to me. Because it’s easier to blame me than her family.
Oh, this is the best part- she later accuses me of harassment and threatens to file a complaint because the fight she started has now become too much for her to handle.
But this was always the pattern- She would start a fight (aka baiting). But when I respond to HER hostility, she would accuse me of being abusive. When I accuse her of acting crazy, she accuses me of being crazy.
Doesn’t everybody react to being invited to Thanksgiving dinner with hostility and vindictive rage?
This is the sick game she plays and I am a sucker for thinking she will change. She and her therapist claim she doesn’t have BPD. But yet she takes all her games out of the BPD playbook.
She even let it slip out that she was sleeping with another man. This was payback for all the imaginary women she thought I was sleeping with.
No, that’s not a borderline personality at all.
Denial is strong with women who had alcoholic fathers. At least, the ones I’ve known. They grew up with it. So do not expect them to accept criticism lightly. Trust me, they will remember. They will pull out a laundry list of grievances and read it to you as they push you out of the plane.
Troubled women play the push and pull game until the day they find an easy replacement. They just need someone to keep them warm on those cold lonely nights. Any body will do.
It is always important for these woman to feel like they are rejecting you and not the other way around. So they will sneak back into your life after you break up with them, just so they can say they broke up with you. Troubled women are that petty.