How Kind of Her

April 12, 2014

My ex finally wrote back after months of silence and blocking my number. She says she has no idea why I am so angry and tormented. I nearly spit my drink out.

Then she goes onto to say that if I consider therapy and take down the blog, she will consider being my friend. Awww, how sweet and magnanimous of her. She would actually step down from Mount Olympus to grace me with her friendship. Isn’t she the best?

Oh, it gets better. Then she says I should show her that I love myself as much as she loves me. Gee, that’s funny, I seem to recall she was the one who childishly blocked my phone number. Didn’t even bother to call me on my birthday. She’s been acting like a passive-aggressive asshole and I’m the one who needs to hug myself? Who died an appointed her Ghandi?

She is seriously delusional. But don’t try convincing her of that. Her fingers are planted firmly into her ears. And she is projecting her hostility onto me like it’s going out of style.

Oh but she says she’s not mad at me anymore and forgives me for everything I did. Ok… thanks for that. Thanks for forgiving me for spending the last three month trying to contact her while she completely ignored me. I guess that was her fucked up way of showing me how much she loves me.

I suddenly remember why I broke up with her.

42 Responses to “How Kind of Her”

  1. Jhan1969 said

    Let it go, dude. Your wanting to stay in contact with her says more about you than it does her. The chick is f___ing poison. Consign her to the wastebin and move on.

    We thought we were in love with these people, but we weren’t. We were addicted to them with the most broken parts of ourselves. Healing those parts requires a ruthless break. Nothing else works.

    Block HER emails. Throw out HER correspondance. Quit casting pearls before swine. She’s a bad egg, dude. A BAD EGG. You want to believe there’s some good in her. There probably is, but she ‘s too f___ing nuts to let the good win.

    Make the judgment call. Cut the chord. Remove the IV. Save your empathy for those with the capacity to return it.

    • savorydish said

      She has proven to be a lost cause. I know there is no making peace with someone who insists that I’m the problem. And I know she has blocked me to block out the truth. But still I try because there is part of me that did love her. So maybe I am flawed that way.

    • savorydish said

      But you are right. I have wasted too much time hoping she will make the turn. I have given her way too many chances. Only to be disappointed.

    • savorydish said

      I can’t bring myself to sayin she is poison or swine but she does love to play with my head. At the very least she is manipulative.

      • Jhan1969 said

        Manipulative = BAD.

      • savorydish said

        It’s definitely not good. She is not a bad person though. You will just have to take my word. She’s not a sadist or a sociopath. She can be a very kind and considerate person when all is good. But when the shit hits the fan she goes into defense mode.

        She is just unwilling to face the truth. And people in denial will tell all sorts of lies to stay in denial. Her ego won’t let her believe it’s her drama that drives men away. Because that would mean she would have to work on herself. That doesn’t make her evil. It just makes her not the kind of woman I want to spend the rest of my life with. The end.

    • savorydish said

      I just can’t believe I let this happen to me again. I thought she was an improvement over the last one because she didn’t tell stories of incest, rape and wrist cutting. I thought I was on my way up. Turns out she is just the light version of my borderline ex.

      • jhan1969 said

        it’s called HOOVERING, dude, and it’s happened to all of us. You are definitely not alone in your experiences.

      • savorydish said

        There was no hoovering. I contacted her. Not to rekindle the romance. To explain why I wrote about her and why I think she needs help. Chances are when she realizes she has no control over me she will run away again.

    • savorydish said

      I said my last good-byes. This ship has officially sailed off.

  2. danley said

    “And I know she has blocked me to block out the truth.”

    Sounds familiar. If they don’t see it, hear it, or have to deal with it….then to them it doesn’t exist. But the truth never goes away. Blocking someone out the way they do shows their lack of accountability. But it’s not up to US to show them the way because in order for them to truly deal and heal with it all they have to first admit it exists.

    “I have given her way too many chances. Only to be disappointed.”

    I’ve been in your shoes and have felt the same disappointment. We have hope that they’ll change and realize the destruction they’re causing. But again, they have to WANT to change and make improvements in themselves. If they don’t see the hurt theyre causing then it’s a useless situation. Sometimes they DO realize what they’re doing. But pride and ego is a tough thing to beat. It takes a whole lot of self reflection and compassion to put yourself in someone else’s shoes. It doesn’t seem like your ex has reached this point.

    I don’t think there’s anything wrong with having hope. But after being disappointed So many times hope diminishes and you lose trust in them…..EVEN WHEN they MAY be genuinely TRYING.

    • savorydish said

      That’s the thing that made me realize I have no future with her. She didn’t even have awareness. So trying to fix herself wasn’t even part of the equation. I thought I could use my amazing powers of persuasion. I was wrong. She was not nearly as crazy as my borderline ex but at least the crazy one kinda knew she was crazy.

    • savorydish said

      And every time I try to tell her what’s wrong with her she accuses me of being hateful and abusive. It’s a no-win situation. So she has given me no other choice than to let her go. Remove her from my memory banks. If I can.

      • Jhan1969 said

        You can. It’ll take time. It’ll leave a mark on you, but our scars are what make us unique, brother.

        You f___ing survived that shit. You refused to remain a doormat – unlike so many other people out there. For that, you deserve respect. And even more for teaching others.

        Now it’s time to fix yourself. Get rid of the stuff that attracts insane women. Take that ‘crazies apply here’ sign off your neck. You do that, and they’ll leave you alone. They may be crazy, but they can tell who their crazy is gonna work on or not.

        I’m known to be blunt, so I’ll just say it. When I developed a FUCK OFF vibe towards crazy women, they fucked off. WAY off. They don’t even try with me anymore.

        Fuck ’em and the horses they rode in on. Their problems are theirs. I’ll save my empathy for those who deserve it.

        And anyone who tries to convince me otherwise gets a big fuck off as well.

        Ride strong, brother. Take shit from no one.

      • savorydish said

        Thanks buddy. It’s never easy. But it gets easier. I don’t fall apart as easily these days. Maybe I hang on for too long, but I know how to stand my ground.

        I know what is the truth and what isn’t. I won’t let her bend my mind. I know too much. Ultimately I would not put up with her lies and manipulation. If she started a fight I would put the responsibility squarely on her.

        She says she will consider being my friend if I take the blame. But that is not a bait I will take. To take that bait would mean a lifetime of mind games. No thanks.

  3. Flopsy said

    SD- she still has power over you. Everybody here knows what a battle it is to extricate themselves from these pariahs but you must really try.

    • savorydish said

      That’s why I said my final goodbye last night. I literally felt exhausted.

    • savorydish said

      I thought I had a chance to reach out to her because she had not totally split me black or gone batshit crazy. She said she thought about me every day. But I was talking to a brick wall. And the incessant projection was driving me nutso. She was killing me with kindness. But it was passive aggressive kindness. Condescending and cold. I just wanted to be friends. But this is not the kind of friend I need.

    • savorydish said

      She’s not a pariah though. She is just stubborn and defensive. Hyper sensitive and hyper reactive. She has built a wall around herself for protection and I am tired of trying to climb over it. She was the least crazy of my exes. But she was just crazy enough.

    • savorydish said

      I’m not broken up about it. I’m already emotionally detached. So that is a good sign. I never really allowed myself to get serious with this one.

    • savorydish said

      It’s always hard to say goodbye to someone close. I know it wasn’t an addiction. Because I know what it feels like when you’re addicted. This feels more like a close friendship died. Which is always sad but not tragic.

    • savorydish said

      But you are right, blocking my number was her way of maintaining control. To her credit she left me alone. No hoovering. No yo yo games. But she always needed to feel like she was rejecting me.

    • savorydish said

      Thanks to everyone for your support. I will be fine.

    • savorydish said

      When you fall in love there will always be someone who has power over you. That is the price you pay. It just sucks when the person who has power over you is emotionally damaged.

      • Marie said

        I hope you will heal completely now and be able to avoid damaged women in the future. Take time for yourself and spend time with those who deserve your company. There are many nice women out there and hopefully you will find the right one when you are ready.

      • savorydish said

        Thank you, Marie. Not much damage was done. So I’ll be fine. I’m actually with a nice woman right now. I guess I’m ready.

      • savorydish said

        She could be very nice but she could also be a nutjob. Nobody around her suspects anything. But I know better. Which is why she thinks I’m the crazy one.

    • jhan1969 said

      AGREED. it’s a real battle to completely separate from a person who is an expert at getting their ‘hooks’ into people emotionally. But trying is what makes the difference. We stumble and we fall, but eventually, we can WIN. And believe me, it IS a battle, where one wins and the other loses.

      I blocked my borderline ex on email, social media, and my phone. Eventually, she stopped bothering me.

  4. niceguy said

    Haha,,How Kind Of Her!!!Sorry but im laughin so much,,,you have a great way with words,,that post was just so funny.
    She sounds same as my gf was,,shes not from the north east is she,lol. Seriously though that post was so true,,similar to my alcohol dependant gf,,these traits are so the same!!Got back together,,said she loved me and missed me. When you try to tell them they are wrong or defend yourself against their verbal abuse,,,they then say WE are the bitter and twisted ones,eeeerrrr did we start all this,,NO,,did we become evil and hurtful FIRST,,err NO. Ha ha stubborn defensive and hyper sensitive,,soo true,,and they wont listen or take the blame. I hope you feel better and keep the rest of us in such high spirits,,i think you are quite funny at times,,that to me says you are feeling happier as you can joke about these situations,,and thats a good thing..good on you. And all the others that commented on your comment and all the blogs”” good luck to you all also”” we may be damaged now a little by their cruel destructive minds,,but we will bounce back,,we are strong now,and growing stronger daily,,because we are learning from this site everyday,,thanks

  5. jhan1969 said

    My point is, if you play THEIR GAME, you’ll lose. If you keep the ball in YOUR COURT, and play by YOUR RULES, you’ll win.

    That’s why Borderlines HATE being confronted with their behavior. When we do that, we’re NOT PLAYING THEIR GAME. And they HATE THAT. That’s why borderlines tend to ramp up their bad behavior when you call them out.

    I once flat-out, calmly told my borderline ex that she was full of shit. Know what she did? IMMEDIATELY went into war status. When she was done caterwauling, I dismissively said ‘Whatever’ and acted like I had WAY more important things to think about.

    Eventually, I DID have more important things to think about and dumped her broken ass.

    • savorydish said

      I hear what you saying. But we have different styles. I just don’t think it’s necessary to be vicious about it. They are already emotionally damaged. I don’t need to add to that. I leave unscathed. And she will most likely take her drama elsewhere.

      • niceguy said

        HI, i feel the same as savorydish,,feel torn between hate and the disbelief she did these things to me,,ie passive kindness you said i think!! i feel she set me up from the start. Then i read her messages and actions on the day and they so contradict what she did,,,its as if all the poles were pushing and pulling opposite ways,,she acted so cruel,,,,but said nice things,,and sent messages saying she loved me after throwing me out the house saying im crowding her space,,,i believe that meant in her head,,,so confusing for us. But then i feel so helpless i cant help her as she just ignores me and pushed me away,,knowing she has troubles stops me being cruel back to her,,even thou i may want to defend myself from her evil mouth i just cant hurt her.Icouldnt hurt someone i love,,so how can they ??? so strange!!

      • savorydish said

        Because they always find a way to justify hurting you.

      • danley said

        Seems like when you confront them about their bad behavior they tend to immediately defend themselves no matter if it makes sense or not. They don’t like the truth to be brought up. It hurts their fragile egos.

        I have confronted time and time again with the truth but was fought with irrational and one sided reactions by my ex. When I finally began to ignore him and try to move on, he suddenly has a temporary epiphany and he starts his “pull” with me. If I get caught up in it and lose my boundaries he then commences the “push”.

        Like SD, I don’t like to go about things in vindictive ways with my ex. I have told him numerous times of his behavior and how I don’t deserve it. That being said, he has been made aware. Maybe realization kicked in on the first time I confronted him. Maybe it kicked in on the 10+ time. I don’t know for sure. But I do know awareness was successful a year later when he suddenly said sorry for treating me unkindly. And at this point I had no response for him. It was a mix of shock, irritation, and pity for him that it took him so long to come into the light about his behavior.

        Am I letting my guard down now that he’s been apologetic and tender with me? Absolutely not. Thing is, after all these months of his hot and cold… push and pull…love and hate: I’ve lost trust in him and am weary of his sincerity. I’ve been burned many times by being passively nice and I do not wish to go down that path with my ex being so wishy washy.

        I understand SD and NiceGuy. It’s in your nature to be kind to everyone. And I know that it’s hard not to be nice to someone you once or still love. I had gone to counseling to help get thru the whole breakup with my ex. My counselor advised I avoid my ex at all costs. I did this for a while but something felt unsettling within me. I felt like even tho my ex and I weren’t a couple anymore that he still had power over me because I had to change my true self. It’s not in my nature to be rude, mean spirited, and vindictive like my ex was suddenly behaving….and I didn’t like that I was having to change the good parts about myself because he didn’t know how to be a respectful person. So, I came out of hiding and faced my ex as my authentic self and told him that I wasn’t going to change who I am just because he can’t figure out a way to stop acting like a child and that I refuse to stoop to his level of behavior. I had to RECLAIM myself back in MY own way because “hiding” just made me feel like he was stealing my power. I used to try and communicate and resolve the issue of his behavior but not any more. It would cause a headache of irrational banter and selfish warped reality on his part. It’s his choice to be the way he wants to be and it’s also my choice to put up with it or walk away when he’s being stony hearted and focus on rejuvenating the parts of myself that has taken a beating. In time our exes may realize the hurricane of hurt they’ve caused and have genuine remorse for it. But that’s all up to them and their self reflection and on their own timing not ours….if and ever that happens. I am learning to be cautious with my heart and have boundaries with my ex. I’m also making a conscious effort to regain my power, spirit, and to be kind to myself as well(not just with others).

  6. Pikro said

    I’ve read about 10 of posts today and while I agree that these women are indeed toxic and mentally ill (they remind me of certain female friends of mine), I feel like your blog is neither a gracious way to deal with these conflicts. Eventually if word gets round it may put good women off dating you. I don’t disagree that your ex’s are troubled, but you come across bitter and a bit nasty yourself, like someone who always has to be right and can’t let it go. I understand this blog depicts only one aspect of your character. Perhaps since you have successfully analysed your exes and come to understand their mechanisms, it’s now time to examine yourself and to break your own personal patterns. Ultimately it doesn’t seem like normal behaviour to devote an entire public blog to picking apart the negative traits of your exes. Even if it were a private diary it wouldn’t be entirely normal. You may argue that this blog is to warn other men away from such women, but don’t you feel your energy could be better utilised improving the one thing you have control over – yourself? You seem like an intelligent and articulate person and it would be a shame to let your emotionally analytical nature go to waste. You critique your exes, but don’t seem to realise that shaming them via this blog means you’re not entirely faultless either.

    • savorydish said

      I am far from saying I am beyond analysis myself. If you read on, you would see that. After all, if I am repeatedly finding myself in these toxic relationships, so clearly this is not the norm at all.

      And therefore this blog becomes a forum for all of us who find ourselves in this abnormal circumstance. You may not understand why this is troublesome, but then you may not have had the misfortunes that we have had.

      Because if you had such misfortunes, then it might be easier to understand why it is so important for people, who have this pattern of relationships, to express themselves.

      If it does bring shame to certain people, then maybe these shameful people need to examine why they feel so much shame and maybe do something positive about it. Or, at the very least, acknowledge the harm they have caused others.

      Your suggestion that I have not tried to change myself is an assumption on your part. You read this blog and think it’s all about them. But it’s actually about us. Because a relationship is made up of two people. And a dysfunctional relationship is made up of two dysfunctional people.

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