A Question of Loyalty

April 3, 2014

The last woman I loved said she hit rock bottom when I broke up with her. Which may be a good thing. Not in a sadistic way. But it was motivation for her to seek therapy.

Unfortunately, she wasted her time and money complaining about me to her therapist. Instead of using that opportunity to talk about herself and her issues.

Whether or not she really hit rock bottom is questionable. She is prone to melodrama and loves to make me feel guilty for things her father and her alcoholic ex did (transference). She is always playing the martyr (self-victimization).

She was also upset because I had written about our last fight and her wild accusations. She never apologized for either. The cold hard truth was too much for her. To see her behavior looking back at her freaked her out.

She asked me if I would take down the post. And I did, as an act of goodwill and she asked nicely. But I also saw that she was not remorseful so I took a break from her. As was the pattern of our relationship. She would create high drama and ignore my calls/emails. And I would take a break from her. This time I took an entire month off. She said I took longer.

Regardless, I needed the time off to regain my sanity and cool off. I needed time to think and re-evaluate our relationship. I knew intimacy was her trigger so I assumed that time off would do us both good.

I had hoped that she would use the time to gain perspective. No such luck. For her, it was a slap in the face. An act of disrespect. It was proof of abandonment.

She could have called me at any time during the break to apologize for her over-reactive nature. And we might have gotten back together. But she did not. Instead she chose to stew in anger and resentment, waiting for me to make the peace. Like she always does.

During our breaks I always kept in contact with her. I texted her. Sent her photos of us. I wished her Merry Xmas and a happy new year. I even took her out for her birthday even though I had technically broken up with her. She never did the same for me.

She says I wasn’t faithful. Says the woman who repeatedly blocked all contact. Says the woman who had men on standby every time I broke up with her. Says the woman who turned hostile over the slightest infractions. 

When things were good, I could not imagine anyone else I would rather spend time with. I truly loved her and missed her during our breaks. But I did not consider our relationship to be a commitment. I never took it seriously. Why would I?

There was no consistency. No emotional stability. I felt very unsafe. At any moment, she would split me black and I was in the doghouse again. I was either the love of her life or her worst enemy.

To commit myself to her would be to commit myself to a roller coaster ride that would only end in heartbreak. So I intentionally kept my distance.

I was very explicit with her. If she wanted my undying loyalty, she would have to show the same undying loyalty. But she broke that agreement every time she split me black and blocked my number. No man wants that.

I told her that her behavior was triggering memories of my borderline ex. She ignored my pleas for sanity. So I ignored her pleas for commitment.

I do feel bad for her though. She is an ACOA who lives with vivid memories of her mom putting all the kids in the car, driving around town looking for her dad. Her father was disloyal to her mom so she assumes all men are disloyal. But she is creating her own self-fulling prophecy.

She doesn’t know what rock bottom is. She doesn’t know what loyalty is. As predicted, she has already found an easy replacement. A warm body to cuddle up against. It seems her love for me was not as deep as she suggested. But I knew this going in. And that is the only reason why I can laugh about it now.

Because I know how damaged women operate. I know them better than they know themselves. She likes to characterize me as being unfaithful. But she doesn’t understand that loyalty and commitment are earned, especially when you have been through what I have been through.

She likes to go fast (they all do) and I need to go slow. She had my love, but she never earned my loyalty. I need a woman who understands that a love, that comes and goes in a blink of an eye, is not really love. A woman who takes her love back, at her convenience, doesn’t truly love me.

I need a woman who will take the time to understand me and the things I do. That is the woman I will give my undying love to. Because that is a woman who knows what true love is.

8 Responses to “A Question of Loyalty”

  1. Jhan6120 said

    You need to behave, and they can do whatever they want. That’s the only way a relationship with a crazy asshole works.

    She’s a crazy asshole, dude. Yes, that’s how it works. I made a value judgment. She’s a bad person.

    The relativism that our culture has embraced is enabling Cluster B behavior. There was a time when people were afraid to be crazy assholes because of the approbation they would get from the rest of society.

    You know . . . when there was such a thing as BAD PEOPLE.

    • savorydish said

      I wouldn’t go so far as saying she’s a bad person. She’s not my borderline ex. And I have to be able to make that distinction. Or be guilty of transference. She’s messed up for sure. I give you that. And yes her values are twisted to always favor her and make me look bad. So she has her bad person moments.

      • jhan1969 said

        ‘ . . . her values are twisted to always favor her and make me look bad.’

        See, I think that actually makes someone a bad person – ESPECIALLY because, IMO, a lot of borderlines are far more conscious of their actions than we think. But we do all have our own perspectives and I’m in no way trying to denigrate yours. It’s just a different way of thinking. That’s what I like about this blog; people can have different opinions and we can all still get along. (Unlike other people we know.)

        I’m very influenced by a particular book, “In Sheep’s Clothing: Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People,” by George K. Simon. One of his primary ideas is that we’ve been convinced of the ‘neurosis,’ or ‘psychiatric’ definition of people. We’ve done away with the notion of CHARACTER and reduced human behavior to a relativistic notion of SYMPTOMS that are not subject to VALUE JUDGMENTS. It follows that if nothing is anyone’s ‘fault,’ no one can be blamed for anything.

        I don’t think this helps borderlines, or any kind of Cluster-B’s, for that matter. It ENABLES THEM. It provides them with the leeway to pull their s__t, because it’s not really their ‘fault,’ is it?

        George Simon disagrees, as do I. There is such a thing as CHARACTER, and some people are just BAD EGGS. Doesn’t matter how they got there; what matters is the pain they cause EVERYONE ELSE.

        Here’s my question:

        If someone is making my life miserable FAR MORE than they are making me happy, what’s the difference anyway? I have to GET OUT. And if I keep recycling or getting into relationships with these kinds of people, I have to find out what’s broken inside ME and go fix that s__t pronto, or I’m just gonna keep volunteering for it.

        From my perspective, I got sick of hitting myself with that hammer and blaming someone else for it. I certainly didn’t ‘deserve’ to be treated the way my borderline ex treated me, but it came to a point where I had to look at MYSELF. Had I turned healthier women away in the past and CHOSEN to be with sickos? My answer was YES. Was it co-dependency issues that drew me to sicko women? My answer was YES. Was I attempting to ‘fix’ the past by trying to make a sick woman ‘better’ so that she would love me and I could ‘prove’ to myself and the world how loveable and ‘good’ I was? YES. Was I sticking around because the borderline was hot and we were having porno sex? YES. Would I have stuck around if the borderline WASN’T hot and we WEREN’T having porno sex? Definitely NO.

        A shocking – and somewhat SHAMEFUL – thing I found out about myself was that I was using the borderline as much as she was using me. So . . . I wasn’t really the ‘NICE’ guy I thought I was – since ‘nice’ people don’t use other people. I wasn’t sticking around for HER, I was sticking around for ME. I needed to ‘fix’ the past somehow and make it go away, and she was my ratchet set.

        I came to this conclusion because I met her in an environment where I KNEW crazy women hung out!! My therapist clued me in on this with a big 2X4. (I needed that, since I’m not the brightest guy in the world.) His question was, ‘If you KNEW that place had a lot of crazy women in it, why were YOU there??’

        The answer was that I was LOOKING for a crazy woman. Plain and simple. And if I found myself there again, anything bad that happened to me would be 100% MY FAULT, because I actively sought it out. I was a willing participant – a VOLUNTEER.

        This is just MY experience. And it’s not about anyone ‘deserving’ anything. But I did find out MY PART in things. And when I did, I felt pretty awful about myself. For my part, I realized that I didn’t really care about my borderline ex much at all; I was there solely for MYSELF.

        And I finally looked at it this way; judging by where I was at that point in my life, would an emotionally stable woman as hot as my borderline ex have been with me? NO. She would have run away at top speed. The only ‘hot’ woman I could have attracted at that time was a woman sick enough to be with ME. There’s the truth of it.

        WATER SEEKS ITS OWN LEVEL.

        I also found out the difference between being a ‘nice guy’ and a DECENT MAN. ‘Nice-Guys’ really aren’t so nice, when it comes down to it. They’re in it for themselves – which is why lots of women are creeped out and/or turned off by guys who come across as too ‘nice.’ If I was so ‘nice’ when I was with my borderline ex, WHY would I have stayed in a relationship that I knew was hurting her as much as me? The DECENT thing to do would have been to end it quick, before the roots took hold. I realized I wasn’t NEARLY as ‘selfless’ as I thought I was, because the SELFLESS thing would have been to let her go and let her take care of her problems – not add to them.

        If I’m in a relationship with an emotionally ill woman, I CAN ONLY MAKE HER PROBLEMS WORSE. I can NEVER make them better. Knowing that now, I would be a real jerk to stick around in that kind of relationship. The truth sucks, but it’s the only thing that sets me free.

      • savorydish said

        You and I have made the same choices, my friend. So I know exactly where you’re coming from. I definitely see the flaws in character in her and myself. And I know I go to places where crazy women hang out. That is my addiction.

        But I would never start a relationship with a woman who was crazy off the bat. No matter how good the sex is. It’s just not worth the hassle. Trust me I’ve met women who are way more crazy. I wouldn’t even sleep with them.

        I’m not the kind of guy who needs a relationship. I can go years without one. But if I meet someone who is kind, smart and beautiful then I settle down. You and I know they become the perfect girlfriend in so many ways. They can be so accommodating.

        So when they do flip out for the first time it’s already been months into the relationship. Time and emotion has already been invested.

        I wish they were shitty people from the get go. It would have made it so much easier to dump them. At their core they are broken. But that doesn’t make them evil. They come from dysfunctional families. So yes, they have serious character flaws.

        But I’ve seen their good side and I know it is real. I’ve seen them with kids and I’ve seen their potential for love and kindness. Believe me I am not afraid to eject assholes from my life. But I can’t eject everyone.

        I have lost many friends and many jobs. Because quite frankly there are a lot of assholes out there. But I always give them a chance to prove me wrong. Unfortunately I have been right about many people.

      • savorydish said

        I don’t disagree with you. I just see more shades of grey and more room for human error. Good people do awful things. We have to be able to distinguish borderlines from sociopaths. Or else we become guilty of black and white thinking.

  2. danley said

    “There was no consistency. No emotional stability. I felt very unsafe. At any moment, she would split me black and I was in the doghouse again. I was either the love of her life or her worst enemy.”

    This is how I feel about my ex. It’s one extreme to the other. It’s a draining process to deal with. Nobody deserves to be someone’s emotional punching bag nor walk around on eggshells with them. And when you point out the roller coaster of emotion and treatment, they turn it around on YOU and make like YOU’RE the one with the problem. It probably doesn’t dawn on them that perhaps the reason You’re upset is because of their lack of self control and disrespectful behavior. It’s basically all about them and their feelings. Never mind the trail of hurt and destruction they leave behind.

    Keeping distance is a good idea. I’ve been doing that with my ex. But at times it back fires and he rages even more fiercely with hate. I continue to ignore him….a few days later he comes around with a sunshine attitude. But I’ve learned now that all that sunshine is just temporary. Nothing’s consistent with him except that he’s inconsistent. He’s definitely troubled.

    • savorydish said

      Yep. When I kept my distance, it upset her. But she always found a way to project her anger onto me. That’s what made the relationship so unhealthy. I always ended up being the bad guy. It made me resent her.

      Temporary sunshine is a good way to describe the relationship. I always knew the good days would be followed by drama. That’s when I recognized her sabotaging ways. Keeping my distance only made her more insecure. An insecure person pushes the self-destruct button because they can not stand the feelings of insecurity.

  3. saratogaspeaks said

    OMG, you have been describing my ex-boyfriend.

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