A Question of Loyalty Pt. 2

April 3, 2014

The woman I just broke up with claims she has good reason to block all contact with me. She has given all sorts of reasons. None of them legitemate.

She says I abused her trust.

Even if that were true, it doesn’t explain why she still remains good friends with her alcoholic ex. The one that cheated on her (not once) twice. She has embraced her alcoholic father even though he once kicked her out of the house. She doesn’t even get along with her own brothers, but do you think she has blocked their numbers?

My point being whatever reason she has concocted is pure bullshit. She finally met a guy who doesn’t treat her, like all the men in her life have treated her, and she keeps him locked out in the cold. She finally meets a guy who treats her like a princess and she runs from him. Sound familiar?

This is her idea of loyalty.

But I shouldn’t be surprised by all this. Abandonment is in her blood. It’s what she fears and (ironically) it’s what she does when she feels intimacy for the first time. This is all textbook behavior.

In her defense, she is not a bad person. But self-pity causes her to lash out in horrible ways. She drops the lovey dovey act and you are left with a wounded animal clawing at you to stay away. People driven by fear can justify abusing loved ones, because they are fighting emotional pain.

I suppose we all feel pain deeply when we are in love. But some feel it more than others. The difference is I would never ever block her contact with me. Despite all the horrible things she has said to me, I always took her back.

If she called me today and said she needed a hug or a shoulder to cry on, I would be there for her. I even told her I would accompany her if she ever wanted to seek ACOA counseling.

It has made me realize we are two very different people with two very different upbringings. When I love someone, it’s forever.

That doesn’t mean I let them use and abuse me. It means I treat them like a human being. I put love before hate. I forgive someone if they offer a sincere apology. I agree to be friends and stay friends even when things don’t work out. Is it too much to ask for that courtesy in return?

13 Responses to “A Question of Loyalty Pt. 2”

  1. toughmat said

    SD, some of what you wrote in this post really resonated with my experiences. The parts about her not being a bad person, the confusing attachments she keeps while pushing us (the “good guys”) away, and the lovey dovey disappearing while the wounded animal emerges. It was really helpful to be reminded of some of that stuff.

    My ex has been sick for a long time. I went often to drs with her and while after reading about bpds and physical complaints to lure the white knights in, all of the diagnosis (lupus, rheumatoid, gastroparesis, vomiting, migraines, ptsd.) were all real. Recently we have been in touch as her health has taken a further decline and they diagnosed her with the most treatable (thank goodness for that at least) version of leukemia. I was devastated in more ways than one to hear that. I called after getting the text and we talked with our voices briefly for the first time in around 9 months. She was happy to hear from me and I can tell she wants my support so much as that was a big part of our relationship. Perhaps the unhealthy aspect of me wanting to save her and her wanting to be saved.

    We have been texting the last few days and I am trying to be supportive without risking myself getting back together. She even wrote a long fb message about how she has remained celibate and is ok with that for awhile because she misses me so much. On one level it is nice to hear, but on another it makes me so sad, especially with her new diagnosis.

    SD, you said you would be there for your ex and exes in a heartbeat. But dont you risk getting sucked back into the highs and lows? I still doubt my decision and perhaps my ex is maturing though.. I joked with her on the phone that she is heroine to me and she even laughed. I do know that she is smart enough to play her cards right until Im back in the thick of it before the drama kick starts. Thats how our past getting back togethers went as well.

    I am still crazy about my ex and think I always will be, but with time I have realized how much freedom I have and I enjoy not having to check in about my every move. LEukemia is not the reason to get back together with someone. IT wouldnt even be fair to her I dont think, even if it would bring a source of comfort. I feel like I should at least see her to be supportive but then ill be so vulnerable. Any advice?

    And im sorry to hear about your current turmoil but it sounds like you are always a few steps ahead these days. Plus it makes for good bloggin

    • savorydish said

      Well. I’m the wrong person to ask. I’ve always made myself available to my exes. It was they who ran away. Even when I was the one who broke it off I always offered to be friends. It seems I was good enough to love but not good enough to be a friend. If it were me I would probably stand by her side.

  2. toughmat said

    Can you be more specific? I want to stand by her side but I will risk getting caught up in her world again. As one therapist told me, I cannot allow my life to be eclipsed by her.

  3. toughmat said

    Will do. Thanks.

  4. jhan1969 said

    The question I have to ask myself is, ‘How can I be so crazy about someone who treats me like garbage? What makes me want to remain in contact with such a person? Why do I yearn for her? Why do I STAY in such a relationship?’

    My answer is this:

    I was emotionally sick and co-dependent at the time. Which provided a fertile feeding ground for a Borderline.

    It’s no secret that Borderlines are attracted to co-dependents like flies to sugar. Why? Because we are among the FEW who will put up with their behavior. Unlike the guys who high-tailed it after two or three weeks when the CRAZY started to emerge. Unlike the temporary friends who split because they didn’t have time for it. Unlike the employers who fired them post-haste. Unlike the guys at the party who spotted the insanity from the gate and said, ‘Uhm, excuse me, but I need to talk to my friend over there . . .’

    That’s why, when I get even a WHIFF of crazy from a woman now, I AM GONE. I will make a polite excuse even in the middle of a date, and exit post-haste. I will not pass GO. I will not have sex with them. I will not give them ANY chance to hook their IV’s into me.

    In order to do that, I had to STOP being a Nice-Guy and start looking out for #1.

    And it works.

    • savorydish said

      You’re absolutely right.

      • jhan1969 said

        And when a Cluster-B or one of their enablers starts telling me what THEY think . . . and I can calmly and evenly cut them off and say, ‘I don’t care what you think’ and walk away, I’ll know that I’m doing much better. Because I honestly DON’T care what they think. I don’t care what their views are. I don’t care about their opinion of me. I no longer run my life according to how OTHER PEOPLE view me. I am no longer that broken.

      • savorydish said

        Yeah. I’m pretty blunt about letting people know what I think about them. As you can tell by this blog.

    • savorydish said

      Honestly. The women I date are really good at hiding their dysfunction. At least one of them is a probably an exec at a huge Wall Street firm. If they can’t spot her then what chance did I have?

  5. Stephen said

    SD,
    Your last two posts, man, I feel ya. My ex has gone through hell with all her horrible ex boyfriends (not sure if it’s just distortion) but what I do know is her parents. They instilled the behavior your website so perfectly describes. Recovering Alcoholic father with his own issues and possible narcassitic mother, joined in holy matrimony for one thing, accumilation of money and superficial materialistic things.

    When you said “I couldn’t commit to her fully” I always knew that I was never going to have anything lasting, serious, or have substance with her. I was never enough. I was her loving boyfriend who she thanked the universe for, I was the worst guy imaginable sent from god to torment her tortured soul further, I was going to be the perfect father to our ‘future kids’ (thank god that never happened), I was the worst, more abusive, guy. I was all over the place. I was her emotional punching bag. When things went wrong at work, school, home, family, I saw a superstorm brewing out in the distance and of course a fight would ensue shortly after.

    I had low self esteem, She was beyond beautiful out of my league type of beautiful, All i wanted to do was to show her that not all men are horrible. That someone as beautiful as her, could have the chance of love. What I didn’t realize in my naive thinking is that she had plenty of guys whom offered her relationships with substance yet she always went to her drug addict + abusive boyfriend or the guys who just saw her like a piece of meat. In addition, I had absolutely no clue as to how deep these issues are that no matter how much love, patience, understanding one may have, it’s just not enough.

    At the end of the day what I’ve learned through out my healing from my previous relationship is that, no matter what they’ve gone through, at the end of the day it’s them and ONLY they who have the power to change. They’re old enough to realize that behavior X Y Z is destructive and hurtful to others and themselves, it’s time for them to take responsiblity for their actions and not point fingers at their partners whom I can speculate would of given life and limb to seem them better. Or they could continue, live in a superficial denial (because I think deep down they do realize that what they’re doing is wrong) and repeat such behaviors over and over with their new partners. Either way, it’s sad on both fronts.

    Anyway, thumbs up to you and your superb blog! It has helped me out a lot.

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