When I think about all the damaged women I let into my life, the thing that hurts the most is the betrayal. I’m not talking about cheating. I’m talking about the things a damaged woman does to avoid heartbreak. I’m talking about devaluation.

She distances herself from you by devaluing you and everything you did for her. Two days ago, you might have been the best thing since sliced bread. But if something you did triggers the fear of abandonment, watch out. Prepare to be vilified.

You may have treated her like a princess. You may have treated her better than any man has EVER treated her. But that is exactly why she NEEDS to devaluate you. Only then can she ease her feelings of rejection.

Only then can she feel like the one who is rejecting you. Do not underestimate how important this is for a damaged woman. She must always feel like she is the rejector. Not the rejectee.

It doesn’t take much for a damaged woman to turn on you. If you aren’t giving her 120% of your attention, then she has all she needs to turn on you.

If you don’t agree to move in with her, then you’re an asshole. If you don’t put up with her high-drama, then you’re an insensitive prick.

The last ex accused me of having a bad temper. This was after she spent three months devaluing me and everything I had done for her. Her friends had never seen her happier, but she insists I tormented her. Which is why she was so heartbroken when I broke up with her. Which is why she said she hit rock bottom.

A damaged woman is too damaged to know her version of the story just doesn’t add up. If I was indeed such a tremendous jerk, wouldn’t she be jumping for joy after I broke up with her? Wouldn’t getting over me be a piece of cake?

The truth is I gave all of these women the love they never had as a child. But that did not stop them from insisting that I was the worst thing that ever happened to them. These were women who were abused/neglected by alcoholic parents. In some cases, they were sexually molested, raped and lord knows what else. But I was the worst thing that happened to them.

In return for all the love I showed them, they denied all of it. Erased history for their own convenience. That, my friends, is what betrayal feels like.

Bad Therapists

April 15, 2014

It never fails. I finally get someone to go seek therapy and they spend the whole time complaining about me.

My borderline ex… the one who claims she cut her wrists, claims she was sexually molested, claims she was raped… went to a therapist after I threatened to leave her. And after three sessions, she claims she had all the tools necessary to deal with life. A lifetime of trauma cured in three sessions. It’s a miracle.

Oh, but my latest ex has her beat. She went to ONE session and she has finally figured out that I was the problem all along. She and her therapist have agreed that my attempts to get her to seek help is my way of asserting control over her.

She told the therapist that I have a bad temper. But of course failed to mention her own. Yes, I threw her bags out. After she went on another verbally abusive rant. Funny how she never mentioned that to her therapist.

Nor did she mention her obsessive-compulsive need to play the victim and bait me into battle. Whenever she picks a fight with me, somehow she always ends up playing the poor defenseless victim and I am cast as the terrible bully.

This is their MO. Their disease. They pick fights so they can play the victim. They are addicted to victimhood. Silent abusers play this game all the time. Then they recruit proxies and enablers to back them up. They even manage to manipulate therapists.

This is why many therapists refuse to treat BPD. These therapists know the game. They know about the manipulations. But not every therapist is wise to those games.

Somehow troubled women are very good at finding that ONE therapist who will take their side and give them permission to play the victim. Empower them to play the victim.

There are bad parents. There are bad girlfriends. It makes sense that there are bad therapists. Thanks to bad therapists, troubled women never have to take responsibility for their behavior.

They have learned that if they put the focus on you, they never have to worry about self-examination. Do they go to a therapist to talk about their alcoholic and adulterous father? Or the relative who sexually abused them? Nope.

According to their therapist, telling them they need help is worse than all those crimes put together.

How Kind of Her

April 12, 2014

My ex finally wrote back after months of silence and blocking my number. She says she has no idea why I am so angry and tormented. I nearly spit my drink out.

Then she goes onto to say that if I consider therapy and take down the blog, she will consider being my friend. Awww, how sweet and magnanimous of her. She would actually step down from Mount Olympus to grace me with her friendship. Isn’t she the best?

Oh, it gets better. Then she says I should show her that I love myself as much as she loves me. Gee, that’s funny, I seem to recall she was the one who childishly blocked my phone number. Didn’t even bother to call me on my birthday. She’s been acting like a passive-aggressive asshole and I’m the one who needs to hug myself? Who died an appointed her Ghandi?

She is seriously delusional. But don’t try convincing her of that. Her fingers are planted firmly into her ears. And she is projecting her hostility onto me like it’s going out of style.

Oh but she says she’s not mad at me anymore and forgives me for everything I did. Ok… thanks for that. Thanks for forgiving me for spending the last three month trying to contact her while she completely ignored me. I guess that was her fucked up way of showing me how much she loves me.

I suddenly remember why I broke up with her.

ACOA Meets BPD

April 4, 2014

The following article talks about the fear of abandonment in the context of ACOA:

Growing up with parental alcoholism can cause some children to become absolutely terrified of abandonment. Many times, the alcoholic parent physically leaves the family — or, if they remain, is emotionally unavailable — leading children to feel unworthy, rejected and abandoned.
As they grow into adulthood, their fear of abandonment can affect the relationships that they form. They find themselves holding on to unhealthy relationships or never allowing anyone to become close in the first place, out of fear of rejection and abandonment. These experiences, although common in adult children of alcoholics, can represent the outcome of a variety of developmental issues, however…

Unrealistic Fears
I still struggle, however, with feelings of fear that those I love will reject me or abandon me and I struggle with self-worth. I constantly feel that I need to be doing more in order to feel worthy. I work too hard, sacrifice too much, and have unrealistic fears. — Dragonfly

An Unhealthy Marriage
I suddenly ended an important healthy relationship and settled for an unhealthy marriage. I fear rejection and abandonment. I probably will need life long counseling. I’ve resolved many fears but it’s hard standing up for myself. — Emotionally Stunted

Often I End Relationships
I have constant approval seeking, fear of confrontation and trouble with romantic relationships. Most notably, I isolate myself from others when I am feeling bad. I also fear abandonment and often end relationships with others to avoid being left by them, in the future. — Marie

Filling the Empty Hole
I was confused and still, to this day, have serious issues with abandonment and trusting others, little self-worth, low self-esteem, emptiness and depression. I am 30 and doubt I will ever be able to fill the empty hole in my broken heart. — Erin

Feel Like I’m Unworthy
I can’t stand chaos, or when people get very angry. I never take time for myself because I feel like I’m unworthy. I have also put up with a ton of crap because I’m scared to be abandoned. — Anonymous

Sabotage Relationships
I have a really hard time with relationships because I have a fear of being abandoned because of my dad. Recently, I found a man that I really “let in” for the first time in my life at age 30. Unfortunately, I sabotaged that relationship because I have been made to be independent to a fault from being raised by alcoholics. I can’t accept that sometimes I need comfort too. — Jean

The woman I just broke up with claims she has good reason to block all contact with me. She has given all sorts of reasons. None of them legitemate.

She says I abused her trust.

Even if that were true, it doesn’t explain why she still remains good friends with her alcoholic ex. The one that cheated on her (not once) twice. She has embraced her alcoholic father even though he once kicked her out of the house. She doesn’t even get along with her own brothers, but do you think she has blocked their numbers?

My point being whatever reason she has concocted is pure bullshit. She finally met a guy who doesn’t treat her, like all the men in her life have treated her, and she keeps him locked out in the cold. She finally meets a guy who treats her like a princess and she runs from him. Sound familiar?

This is her idea of loyalty.

But I shouldn’t be surprised by all this. Abandonment is in her blood. It’s what she fears and (ironically) it’s what she does when she feels intimacy for the first time. This is all textbook behavior.

In her defense, she is not a bad person. But self-pity causes her to lash out in horrible ways. She drops the lovey dovey act and you are left with a wounded animal clawing at you to stay away. People driven by fear can justify abusing loved ones, because they are fighting emotional pain.

I suppose we all feel pain deeply when we are in love. But some feel it more than others. The difference is I would never ever block her contact with me. Despite all the horrible things she has said to me, I always took her back.

If she called me today and said she needed a hug or a shoulder to cry on, I would be there for her. I even told her I would accompany her if she ever wanted to seek ACOA counseling.

It has made me realize we are two very different people with two very different upbringings. When I love someone, it’s forever.

That doesn’t mean I let them use and abuse me. It means I treat them like a human being. I put love before hate. I forgive someone if they offer a sincere apology. I agree to be friends and stay friends even when things don’t work out. Is it too much to ask for that courtesy in return?

A Question of Loyalty

April 3, 2014

The last woman I loved said she hit rock bottom when I broke up with her. Which may be a good thing. Not in a sadistic way. But it was motivation for her to seek therapy.

Unfortunately, she wasted her time and money complaining about me to her therapist. Instead of using that opportunity to talk about herself and her issues.

Whether or not she really hit rock bottom is questionable. She is prone to melodrama and loves to make me feel guilty for things her father and her alcoholic ex did (transference). She is always playing the martyr (self-victimization).

She was also upset because I had written about our last fight and her wild accusations. She never apologized for either. The cold hard truth was too much for her. To see her behavior looking back at her freaked her out.

She asked me if I would take down the post. And I did, as an act of goodwill and she asked nicely. But I also saw that she was not remorseful so I took a break from her. As was the pattern of our relationship. She would create high drama and ignore my calls/emails. And I would take a break from her. This time I took an entire month off. She said I took longer.

Regardless, I needed the time off to regain my sanity and cool off. I needed time to think and re-evaluate our relationship. I knew intimacy was her trigger so I assumed that time off would do us both good.

I had hoped that she would use the time to gain perspective. No such luck. For her, it was a slap in the face. An act of disrespect. It was proof of abandonment.

She could have called me at any time during the break to apologize for her over-reactive nature. And we might have gotten back together. But she did not. Instead she chose to stew in anger and resentment, waiting for me to make the peace. Like she always does.

During our breaks I always kept in contact with her. I texted her. Sent her photos of us. I wished her Merry Xmas and a happy new year. I even took her out for her birthday even though I had technically broken up with her. She never did the same for me.

She says I wasn’t faithful. Says the woman who repeatedly blocked all contact. Says the woman who had men on standby every time I broke up with her. Says the woman who turned hostile over the slightest infractions. 

When things were good, I could not imagine anyone else I would rather spend time with. I truly loved her and missed her during our breaks. But I did not consider our relationship to be a commitment. I never took it seriously. Why would I?

There was no consistency. No emotional stability. I felt very unsafe. At any moment, she would split me black and I was in the doghouse again. I was either the love of her life or her worst enemy.

To commit myself to her would be to commit myself to a roller coaster ride that would only end in heartbreak. So I intentionally kept my distance.

I was very explicit with her. If she wanted my undying loyalty, she would have to show the same undying loyalty. But she broke that agreement every time she split me black and blocked my number. No man wants that.

I told her that her behavior was triggering memories of my borderline ex. She ignored my pleas for sanity. So I ignored her pleas for commitment.

I do feel bad for her though. She is an ACOA who lives with vivid memories of her mom putting all the kids in the car, driving around town looking for her dad. Her father was disloyal to her mom so she assumes all men are disloyal. But she is creating her own self-fulling prophecy.

She doesn’t know what rock bottom is. She doesn’t know what loyalty is. As predicted, she has already found an easy replacement. A warm body to cuddle up against. It seems her love for me was not as deep as she suggested. But I knew this going in. And that is the only reason why I can laugh about it now.

Because I know how damaged women operate. I know them better than they know themselves. She likes to characterize me as being unfaithful. But she doesn’t understand that loyalty and commitment are earned, especially when you have been through what I have been through.

She likes to go fast (they all do) and I need to go slow. She had my love, but she never earned my loyalty. I need a woman who understands that a love, that comes and goes in a blink of an eye, is not really love. A woman who takes her love back, at her convenience, doesn’t truly love me.

I need a woman who will take the time to understand me and the things I do. That is the woman I will give my undying love to. Because that is a woman who knows what true love is.