The Point of No Return

March 28, 2014

Sara Tate tells it like it is when a borderline realizes the jig is up:

Assuming you’ve made the break (if you haven’t, you’ll be stuck in stage four indefinitely…or worse), you will quickly be catapulted into stage five. Once your Cluster B realises you’ve gained the strength to walk away, he/she will cut you loose…completely. You will find this both shocking and possibly even hurtful at first, but believe me, it’s by far the best thing.

Once you have rejected a Cluster B (you always reject them, they never do anything to drive you away…remember, they are always the wronged party), there is no going back. You will be dropped, and left high and dry. This is the stage when it becomes clear that you were never loved.

You realise during the release stage that your Cluster B is not capable of feeling love. He/she lacks empathy and emotion. If there are children involved, it becomes painfully apparent during this stage that they too are just objects to a Cluster B. It’s a devastating realisation, and it will send you into free-fall for a while, but you MUST accept it as the truth.

The person you fell in love with never existed, it was all an illusion. There’s no easy way to deal with the release stage. You may feel elated one minute, then terrified the next. Again, get support from wherever you can. Look back over your time together and try to pin-point and acknowledge the different phases. This will help you to come to terms with what has happened, and accept the role you played in your Cluster B’s life. Don’t turn the anger in on yourself. It was NOT your fault.

Your Cluster B had this problem before you met, and he/she will continue to have this problem long after you’re gone. Cluster B’s rarely go to get help for themselves. They cannot acknowledge that they have a problem.

Psychologists treat the Cluster B’s victims, rarely the Cluster B’s themselves. I strongly recommend that you get professional psychological support during the release stage. The only way you can let it go, is to understand it. And to do this you need expert guidance. Draw comfort from the fact that you are not in this alone……and be proud that you managed to escape. Many don’t.

44 Responses to “The Point of No Return”

  1. jhan1969 said

    ” . . . and be proud that you managed to escape. Many don’t.”

    HELL YES. I second this.

  2. Flopsy said

    Me too!!!

  3. Mark said

    The worst experience of my life…

  4. Mary said

    Minus perhaps the sociopath and a select few others, all people are capable of love. All people love. If you are trying to say that someone with borderline cannot feel love or give it, I disagree. Borderline is a disorder that encompasses a difficulty regulating emotions, not an inability to feel emotion, which would include love. The anger, rage, self harm, jealousy, etc are all symptoms of the disorder. They do not define the human being. Once the non borderline understands the Y’s of the disorder and of the resulting behaviors, it becomes easier to see the big picture and the individual behind such a difficult and cruel disorder. I am no longer allowing a brilliant man to communicate with me online because he has refused to allow me into his personal life. After years of feeling used (and perhaps being used…only he knows for sure), I finally walked away. I came to the realization that he is no different than any other man; if he wanted me in his life he would have put me in it. And since he never did (and by his behaviors never will) I walked away forever. That doesn’t mean he cannot love. He refuses to attempt love, choosing rather to have brief sexual relationships with those who matter little to him emotionally. He succumbs to fear, settles, and follows the same routine year after year. Why? Because it’s emotionally easy, the chase is exciting, there’s a pretty payoff that boosts his ego, and there is little risk. Borderlines can love. My physical therapist’s borderline father had a wife who loved him for 30 years; she saw past his challenges. Some borderlines choose not to love, selecting that which is easy and non threatening emotionally. I have closed the door on the love of my life, and I will survive. The pain will begin to dissipate, and one day I shall look back and wonder how I could have sacrificed so many years of my life for a man who chooses not to love out of fear… a brilliant, creative man who gave in to the disorder; who simply dared not to love or be loved, and who let me go.

    • savorydish said

      I think the jury is still out. I tend to agree that the borderline is capable of some level of love. But arrested development puts limits on it. Leaving you with a very immature concept of love. And very shallow. As proven by how easily they are able to turn it off.

      • Mary said

        They “turn it off” to survive and to not be alone. And your assumption is that every relationship is one of “love.” I’d venture to guess that someone with BPD does not get involved in many true love relationships in his/her lifetime, if any; rather, s/he intentionally avoids “love” relationships. The fear and risk are simply too great.

      • savorydish said

        Real love can not be turned off for fear of getting hurt.

      • Marie said

        I think a BPD who is not diagnosed or in treatment will love you when they have some use for you. But they don’t love themselves at all so they can’t really love another person. Nons want to make excuses for them but after being raised by 2 of them and dating one…none of them ever really loved themselves, each other (in my parents case) or me unless I was needed for something. They can say I love you, you mean everything to me…blah blah blah but in the end drop you like a hot rock and say the same thing to someone else. Maybe they are even saying those same words to you AND someone else at the same time. Perhaps with treatment and medication on a regular basis a therapist can tap something deep inside but without help I don’t think they are capable of love. They deserve pity but nons should not be expected to put up with abuse just for the mere thought thay maybe there is love there from them.

    • savorydish said

      The ones I use to love may or may not have loved me. It simply doesn’t matter. What does matter is they didn’t love me very well.

      • Mary said

        Can you honestly say they didn’t love you enough? Did they even know you have BPD? The man I know has told no one he has BPD…not his fiends, his girlfriends, not his one night stands. Only his family and I know. How can someone with BPD expect to be loved and understood if he doesn’t trust enough to offer an explanation for his sometimes difficult and destructive behavior.

      • savorydish said

        They may have loved me in the beginning. But once the fear of intimacy reared its ugly head I was amazed how quickly they were able to turn it off.

    • jhan1969 said

      “Borderline is a disorder that encompasses a difficulty regulating emotions.”

      Yes it is, among other things. The problem is that this difficulty in regulating emotions makes it VERY tough to have any kind of relationship with a borderline. The part that you left out is that it is the borderline’s SOLE RESPONSIBILITY to learn how to regulate their emotions. It is not the job of the other person, and the other person is completely justified in walking away if the borderline cannot, or will not, attempt to learn some emotional control. I can attest – through direct experience – to the emotional battering one takes at being around a borderline’s unregulated emotional chaos.

      The question is; at which point is the borderline’s unregulated emotional chaos NOT MY PROBLEM? How long do I stick around? At what point do I get tired of picking shrapnel out of my hide? To what extent, if any, must I subordinate my own SELF in order to accommodate the borderline’s illness?

      We must consider these things from the viewpoint of the NON BORDERLINE as well, or else all is moot. Borderline is a RELATIONAL illness. The borderline’s illness manifests primarily in his or her relations with others. If we are not taking the non borderlines experiences into consideration, we are dwelling in mere assertions.

      And this . . .

      “The anger, rage, self harm, jealousy, etc are all symptoms of the disorder. They do not define the human being.”

      IMO, this is a NONSENSE statement. Lots of things define human beings. Some are good, some are bad. But your statement here seems to hover on the edge of a moral relativism that denies fault. This is the kind of POLITICAL CORRECTNESS that can damage a non borderline’s attempt to see the truth. If the borderline acts out of rage, self-harm or jealousy, it is THEIR FAULT for acting that way. It’s not the neighbor’s fault. It’s not everyone else’s fault. The destructive behaviors come from a PARTICULAR HUMAN, who is acting in a PARTICULAR WAY towards other humans. So, in a sense your statement is a DENIAL of ‘human-ness.’ It takes HUMAN BEHAVIORS and projects them into an abstract realm where they just float around, free from human volition.

      I’m not getting down on you, seriously. I think you have good intentions, and I respect your experiences and I sincerely relate to them. But I have to point out BS when I see it. This modern tendency we have to avoid ‘assigning blame,’ when blame CLEARLY needs to be assigned so that problems can be met and solved, is extremely dangerous. We’re trying not to ‘hurt each other’s feelings,’ but in doing so, we are causing even MORE emotional damage in the process.

      Here is where I show my own philosophical/ideological stripes, so bear with me . . .

      I think we’ve been sold a BILL OF GOODS by the mental health industry and its attendant ideological custodians. We’ve been taught that nothing is anyone’s’ fault’; we’ve been taught that good old fashion LOGIC and INSTINCT are bad; we’ve been taught that CALLING A THING WHAT IT IS is verboten. We’ve been taught to dance around the truth to try and preserve some fictional notion of ‘feelings.’

      When does it end? If a person acts out of a jealous rage toward me for no reason at all, THEY ARE WRONG. Period. And if they do not have the capability or willingness of seeing their own ‘wrong-ness,’ what does it matter if they are ‘human?’ Indeed, they are still ‘human’ in a biped kind of way, but they are harming MY ‘human’ by acting destructively toward ME.

      The question is; is any person’s ‘humanity’ more important than anyone else’s? The reason I dumped my borderline is because her behaviors were severely harming my ‘human.’ And I got to the point where I DID NOT CARE where the behaviors ‘came from’ or WHO they came from. I just couldn’t be around them anymore.

      RESULTS are what matter in this world. What I can SEE with my own senses and touch with my hands. Not a bunch of politically correct mumbo-jumbo.

      Yes, borderlines can ‘love,’ if love can be defined as a pure, emotional quality. But that emotional quality means ABSOLUTELY NOTHING if the borderline only brings pain and chaos into the lives of the people they attempt to love. IT’S THE RESULTS, NOT THE INTENTIONS, THAT MATTER. My borderline ‘intended’ to love me, but the results were a hell-storm.

      • Marie said

        Amen, JHAN, truer words were never spoken. Thanks for calling a spade a spade. The mental health industry has a long way to go to even understand borderlines. Do you know that someone treating a borderline ALSO needs therapy because the borderline’s reality can be so convincing that it’s easy to lose track? But at least getting some treatment is better than doing nothing.
        As for the question when to get out of the relationship when you know the person has BPD.,…the answer is IMMEDIATELY! Don’t think it will be different “this time”.

    • jhan1969 said

      It doesn’t matter whether or not someone is capable of feeling love; it matters what they DO WITH IT. What matters in the adult world are RESULTS, not intentions.

      For a borderline, the anger, rage, self harm, jealousy, etc, actually DO define the human being, which is why a relationship with such a person is so difficult. They have no ability to regulate these emotions, so they are ruled by whichever one of them they are having at any given moment.

      That is . . . unless you think that a person is defined by some vague, abstract qualities floating around in a theoretical universe somewhere. IMO, a person is defined by WHAT THEY DO in this life – the compendium of all their decisions.

  5. Mary said

    You must mean the one with borderline could “turn it off.” I lost out to that fear, a fear that debilitated an otherwise strong man. If a love interest of a non borderline wavered, it was probably due to a lack of understanding of the disorder. It’s one challenging disorder! It took me years of online contact and research to finally understand it, and I’m still learning from videos and books! That knowledge made it so I could separate the symptoms from the man himself…and not take the mood changes, certain behaviors, and angry words personally. I wish you the best. I wish me the best, too. It’s been a long race, and one which in the end I lost.

    • savorydish said

      Nope. I mean the borderline turns it off.

      • Mary said

        …for fear of intimacy, which is exactly what I said. Years ago an expert in the field reached out to me; she said a man (or woman, I suppose) with BPD is threatened by a quality woman, one to whom he feels an emotional connection. The fear of abandonment and of being engulfed come to the surface. I lost my battle years ago and just didn’t know it; he allowed me “in” emotionally as he did no other in his lifetime, so keeping me at a physical distance provided him emotional security. He was unable to bridge the gap between an online “relationship” and a real one. Fear paralyzed him, so he spent the last few years manipulating me to continue online, knowing my only reason for allowing it was because I thought he would eventually conquer that fear if he wanted me enough. I foolishly did not understand the disorder enough at that time to know he planned to continue to keep me on the outside forever. Thankfully a very close friend has told me repeatedly what I did not wish to hear: he’s not coming for you. He will never come. He would have come long ago if he wanted you. And he is using you for online companionship when he’s not with a girlfriend. Even though the truth hurts, I knew it was time I finally acknowledged that truth and take action. Six years was enough time to wait.

      • savorydish said

        Yikes. Too long. But now you are free.

  6. Mary said

    Do you know how I know I will disappear from his life forever this time. The evening of our last contact, I had my first dream involving him. I dreamed he came to my house, and I welcomed him inside. We sat for hours talking quietly on the edge of my bed, gently holding hands. I stroked his soft face with my other hand. And whenever I heard a noise, I quickly looked around as if to protect him from harm. It is a role I am familiar with; it’s what true love can entail. I awoke remembering the dream realizing the years had finally come to an end. I felt a strange sense of peace (b4 the pain of loss set in, of course). Yes, borderlines can love and they can be loved… forever. It’s simply more of a challenge. And with that, I shall stop posting on this topic.

    • savorydish said

      Well we can agree to disagree. But I think your belief system is only going to keep you in pain.

      • Mary said

        The worst pain was waiting. Healing will come now that I know the truth…that I wasted years waiting for nothing. I became familiar with a 30 yr marriage between a successful, beautiful woman and her BPD PHD husband who began to mellow once he hit age 40. They loved each other thru all the challenges. I am quite sure they are not alone. Yes, we shall have to agree to disagree.

      • savorydish said

        BPD men are different than BPD women. When a borderline woman has been sexually abused since childhood her capacity to love has been severely handicapped.

    • jhan1969 said

      Eccchh with the poetic language already!! Untreated BPD is something that DESTROYS LIVES!! We need to deal with FACTS here, not fantasy!!

  7. Mary said

    To trust. And when one cannot trust, s/he has difficulty allowing love. I believe (but have no concrete proof) he was sexually abused, but even w/o physical abuse the lack of trust due to neglect is present. Borderline men are not all that different. They may turn on the emotional charm more than the physical charm, and have more dangerous self destructive behaviors, but the BPD male is much like his female counterpart. What saddens me is that the man or woman w/ BPD chooses to remain in emotional bondage rather than seek treatment, especially if s/he has higher intelligence (according to experts in the field). Borderlines “make do” instead. To see someone so gifted intellectually, creativity, & professionally be stagnate shows how debilitating BPD is. Whatever pain his disorder laid at my doorstep is nothing compared to the pain he chooses to hold onto daily.

  8. Scrootie said

    Mary’s posts = typical BPD/cluster-B excuses. Just accept that they cannot love. There’s no cowardice in admitting the reality.

    There is no ‘Maybe they love, but can turn it off!” lol, it’s contradictory nonsense! It’s equivalent to a bigot saying “Yes, I hate ___ but can turn it off”.

    If you can turn it off, it wasn’t real; it was a self-delusion. Funny thing about BPD is that there’s no grey area in their minds, until it comes to worming their way out of things. Then everything is grey, vague, and mixed.

    • Mary said

      Lol. What you call excuses I call knowledge of the disorder and acceptance of the symptoms. I don’t excuse bad behavior; rather, I see the symptoms for what they are. Do you define an obese man’s entire being by his eating habits or an alcoholic by her binges. They are more than their medical conditions. Yes, someone with BPD makes choices to live with the disorder instead of choosing to work toward healing and health (and innocent victims are created along the way) but do you really wish to be so callous or apathetic to dismiss the person behind the disorder? Hate from being hurt by someone with BPD can cloud objective thinking. I choose to remain objective with a heart that has little room for anger or hatred. I have consciously chosen to rise above negative emotions and chosen to see the entire picture…the entire individual. What you view as weakness I view as strength. There is not a codependent bone in my body according to self, doctors, and testing.

      • savorydish said

        Yes. I do define an alcoholic by his binges. Just as I define a borderline by the callous way she shuts out people who refuse to live in denial. We are the sum total of our actions. That isn’t apathy. That is self respect. If you choose to live with that hell so be it. But don’t judge people who choose to live without it.

      • savorydish said

        Also your knowledge of the disorder has been heavily obscured by your own bias. You want to believe a borderline loves you. And you will not rest until you convince everyone that you are making the right choices.

      • jhan1969 said

        I ‘accept’ the fact that when I see traces of serious Cluster-B in someone now, my ass runs for the hills 😉 😉

      • savorydish said

        Jhan, you said you spent a great deal of time working on yourself. Would you mind sharing your experience with therapy? What is it that you learned about yourself?

  9. Mary said

    Scrootie, did u ever consider that people have different wants and needs. I believe I am unusual. I do not want marriage. I do not want security and a mundane routine. I crave spontaneity and energy. I don’t want the cynicism that usually accompanies the aging process. And I expect ups and downs, as well as challenges in relationships. When I understand the reason behind specific behaviors, it’s easier not to take them personally. I know myself and like myself enough to understand that it’s not always about me; I may get hurt by the action of another, but the action was simply an overblown reaction to a perceived threat or wrong. After careful weighing of the whole, when someone possesses more qualities that I desire (brains, wit, energy, spontaneity, similar interests, etc) than s/he does the qualities that create challenges, s/he is worth the risk. With that said, it’s a moot point for me as I threw in the towel on a relationship w/ someone who lives w/ BPD. It is; however, important to me that society looks at the disorderly ( and it’s host) fairly. We each have issues and struggles in life; we each reside within a glass house.

  10. Marie said

    This post is very true. Getting away and going no contact, no matter how painful, is the only way to do it. Lean on everyone else around you that really loves you but get away and never return. It’s not a bad thing to get professional help if the pain is really overbearing.

    • Mary said

      I have lived with pain for years. Now I shall simply live with loss. Over time we each heal. Eventually I will trust enough again to allow another in. I do not regret my experiences with a person who has BPD; there were many positives. I am a better person because of him. Even he wouldn’t believe that, but it’s true.

      • Marie said

        Mary, I believe we can learn from any and every relationship we have in our lifetimes intimate or not. We CHOOSE to stay with a person, we are not held by force (unless threats to our lives are involved then it’s time to clue the authorities in on it). In the end we can say we were abused by a significant other but the truth is we allowed it to happen. The true test is to learn from that relationship both the positive and the negative. You should not care if your ex would believe or not believe that you are a better person. Hopefully you are stronger and wiser now after that experience. If, however, you keep repeating the same type of relationship then eventually it will take it’s toll.
        I was also glad to have had my experience with my BPD ex-boyfriend as his family were wonderful, I learned about myself, I learned that both my parents had BPD and I found the wonderful Savory Dish and the support here. I do remember the bad stuff…just enough to remind me to steer clear of people who treat me poorly (even those who wish to be a friend). Remember that we are not here to be martyrs. If we give love we should also receive love not abuse.

      • savorydish said

        To some degree all my exes helped me learn more about myself. I don’t know if I would thank them. I would say I used it as a learning experience.

      • Mary said

        Jhan, you are as biased as anyone who posts on the subject. You are also very angry, and that’s a stage I experienced some years back. I do not believe one can be objective when s/he possesses anger. A few years ago I let mine go in five therapy sessions with a professional familiar w/ the disorder. He, and I, did not excuse bad behavior. In fact, he insisted i make a list of all the things i wanted to say (scream) at the man who had hurt me. The list was three pages typed! Letting go of the anger and learning to understand the root cause of a BPD’s actions simply freed me from a destructive emotion that was debilitating me. I wish you well. I wish us all well.

      • savorydish said

        You’re right. We all have to learn to let go of the anger. But some do that by expressing it here. Not that different than your list. We know the root well and we choose to judge an individual by their actions regardless of what is driving them. Be well.

  11. niceguy said

    Hi all,, The pain stays with you for ages when you suffer the wrath of a borderline,or at least i think its borderline my gf had. The way they can easily cut off the emotions and feeling for u is unbelievable.So much so it makes us look back as you so rightly pointed out..,,then doubting our own mentality and thinking”was it me ,what did i do wrong,,or is it really them??,How can all those loving words and the times we spent together be gone.Do they actually think of those times or do borderlines just seem to delete from their minds,,,just like they deleted us????Even if i try to send a message or just a thoughtful word”it is ignored” considering they are the ill ones and i actually feel sorry for her .Im only being a caring human ,,a normal person,, i just want her to know i still think about her and hopes shes well,,,however i think im wasting my time,,do they really care if we are worried or not ?? surely they must have some feelings about the past and our time together,,,i dont think we will ever understand the way they think?? Do they really remember us at all,,or are we gone forever,,sad so very sad!!

    • Mary said

      Lol. I can recognize the manipulation of a borderline male who visits these types of sites. Everyone, you just heard from the creative, brilliant man I referenced in my posts! This is the man of 6 yrs who fears me emotionally so he wants to converse online where it’s safe. This is the man who regularly has a girlfriend, but expects me to electronically entertain him for life whenever she’s unavailable.

    • Marie said

      Nice guy,
      They have the ability to remember BUT in their reality. If you were painted black then YOU are the reason why the relationship ended, you are the one who has problems. Yes, you are wasting your time worrying about her. She is just fine I promise you, as fine as a BP can be. You would do well to lean on those around you and get to the point where you could care less if she remembers you or not. Try to focus on the negative things that happened for a while until you can let it go completely. And always be thankful you got away with your mind, heart and reputation in tact. Please be strong and don’t contact her in any way or even ask after her….it could be a really bad idea.
      Be well!

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