Clinging onto Victimhood

March 17, 2014

As predicted, Charlie is now claiming victimhood. After launching a lengthy and childish attack on this blog, she claims we have nothing better to do than pick on poor defenseless Charlie. Where have we seen this “attacker turned victim” maneuver before?

Oh but this just in: After deleting her abusive comments, she told me I should kill myself. And she is glad that a borderline woman fucked me over.

As you can see, when a borderline feels slighted (victimized), they can justify saying and doing just about anything. So much for being the model borderline.

Our encounter with Charlie has got me thinking about my last relationship. And how difficult it was to deal with someone who was so determined to play the victim in any given scenario. Even after a fight she started. It’s exhausting. Is it not?

Every argument was a broken record. When emotions were high, I could have left the room and she would have continued blaming and shaming. She was fighting demons from her past and I was her punching bag. Like Charlie, she had a deep reservoir of pain and she was looking to unload.

Our last fight was the last straw. That night, she was determined to push all my buttons until she got the reaction she wanted. She was picking a fight. This is what borderlines do when they want to sabotage a relationship… When feelings of unworthiness overwhelm them.

The words she chose were remarkably similar to the words Charlie chose and the words my last borderline ex chose. A silent abuser knows how to inflict pain without leaving a mark. They choose their words very carefully. They choose the ones they know will cause maximum pain.

I had already tolerated too many of her tirades and forgiven her for too many things she later regretted saying. But this night, I had enough. It was only after she punched below the belt that I threw her emotional and physical baggage out.

She used this last fight as an opportunity to tell everyone (including her therapist) how abusive I was for not tolerating her tantrums. In her troubled mind, not putting up with her abusive tendencies and calling her out made me the abuser. A borderline splits you black when they realize you will not put up with anymore bullshit.

Needless to say, that was the last I saw of her. When a borderline realizes you will not put up with her bullshit anymore, she runs off to find someone who will… Someone who is more easily manipulated.

You will be surprised how quickly you are replaced. This was not our first break up. On a few occasions, I would find out she had called another man on the very day I broke up with her. For them, it is not about love. It is about survival. It’s about filling the emotional void left by childhood abuse.

To be honest, I miss the tenderness we shared and the good times. But I do not miss the drama and the endless victimhood. I do not miss the manipulative mind games. You can not separate the good from the bad. I had to end it, because my sanity was at stake.

How do you contain a nuclear blast? You don’t. Once it starts, destruction is inevitable. She claims she hit rock bottom when I broke up with her, but she was at rock bottom long before I met her. She just needed someone to blame for the constant misery. I was a convenient receptacle for a lifetime’s worth of pain.

She will deny that pain. But the evidence is there. Years earlier, she ran away from home. She left an alcoholic father and a brother who was struggling with drug addiction. She left a mother who denied it all.

Like the borderline before her, running away was her way of escaping pain. If you want to know when they first became addicted to victimhood, look no further. The answer always lies in their past.

Pain was always present in her life, so it was absurd for her to suggest that I was the cause of it. Even her own friends said they had never seen her happier than the time she spent with me. But once I shut down the relationship, she denied that she was ever happy. Typical borderline devaluation.

Her whole family is eager to put the past in the past. Denial is a family affair. It’s a rich tradition that goes back for generations. Playing the victim is hard evidence of a traumatic childhood, one they had to suppress to survive- to move the fuck on.

She surmised that, because she was not an alcoholic or a drug addict, she was good-to-go. She believed that she was the only one in her family that didn’t have issues. Just like Charlie believed that, because she was neither in prison or dead, she had already beat the system.

How do you argue with someone whose expectations and standards are so low? How do you convince this person that they have not even begun to turn the tides of fate? How do you get these people to see that their anger is deeply rooted in the past?

There are different depths of denial. As we have learned from recent encounters, even someone who is in treatment can be in denial. The fact is they are not well. They are just really good at thinking they are.

They will insist they are on the path to well-being while throwing screaming cats at people… while blaming and shaming… while dragging everyone down to their level.

But this is the art of distraction. If they throw the white-hot spotlight on you, they can hide in darkness. If they claim you are crazy, they can slip out the back door.

Nobody in denial is going to admit they are in denial. That’s the very definition of denial. You can not convince someone in denial that they are in denial. Believe me. I’ve tried.

It is an elaborate web of lies that can only be untangled by the person who wove it. And by now, you see the impossibility of a person in denial unweaving what has taken a lifetime to weave.

The mirage of recovery is a deceptive one. It makes people think they have only a couple blocks to go. When in actuality, they have oceans to cross and mountains to climb.

To accept that means to accept heartbreak. Don’t let the angry survivalist image fool you, these women are far too sensitive to accept heartbreak.

It’s easier to twist the Truth than it is to accept it. It’s easier to cling onto victimhood than to acknowledge the pain you have caused others.

40 Responses to “Clinging onto Victimhood”

  1. MovingForward85 said

    Nothing new. We’ve all been through that BS before. Drama, drama ….drama.

  2. Laura said

    “You will be surprised how quickly you are replaced.”

    I certainly also have experience this! She made sure, before cutting me off, that I came to know that she had “a friend”, that she was going to have the trip with her, rather than having that trip with me, as it was planned before. It all happened as soon as I “complained” about her attitude, the abuse, and told her that she was showing BPD “symptoms”. I received tsunamis of insults and accusations. She tried to discredit me with my husband, and a friend who got involved.

    She said that she had never cared, and never really wanted to be my friend, but that I “insisted” (she had just happily spent Christmas with us, voluntarily. Her idea/desire). Basically I had to feel crazy to “imagine” that we were friends. She said it had always been “one way”.
    I sent her a picture of all the gifts she sent me over time, to show her that I wasn’t imagining a friendship; she went mad, writing (shouting) “I HAVE NEVER BEEN IN LOVE WITH YOU!!”, which I consider it to be a freudian slip, showing how borderlines go from “loving” (idealising) to hating (devaluing), even in “non romantic” relationships. She said things like “These last 5 years have been the most stressful years of my life! You made me sick”… In the “golden” period she often said “You’re the most patient person I’ve ever met”, once even calling me her “accidental angel”. At times she was already trying to put me down (this is why I was “patient”, because I was being a good poison container). She wanted me to feel like she feels (worthless). When I eventually failed to be a good poison container, she went mad and split be black. At this point she created an alternative universe where different things happened, where she could feel normal and nice. I had to feel crazy and evil so that she could feel OK. Emotional vampirism.

    You have to stay low; you have to erase yourself to be the perfect “container”. As soon as you show an opinion, a different perspective, even about the smallest thing, you’re doomed.
    I remember, even before the “split”, she went mad because of my different opinions about “energy drinks”, or “lactose intolerance in Japan”… 😮 O.o

    • savorydish said

      Oh yes, replacing you is a carefully staged event. They want to make sure they have your full attention before they let it slip that you have been replaced. And once they know they have a replacement, they will finally tell you how little you meant to them. More childish behavior.

  3. Charlie said

    This post is slightly true though. I apologise to you deeply sd, there were things we didn’t agree on but this is your place to vent, I understand that, I shouldn’t have said what I did.

  4. Yana said

    What they deny is what they project onto you. Something or someone triggers deep shame inside them, it’s unbearable and ‘you’re’ responsible. I think bpd’s were the scapegoated children of narcissistic parent(s).They internalized their caregivers projected, toxic shame and made it their core belief system, seeking to validate ‘someone else’s’ toxic shame. It takes serious courage to look inside yourself and own your own dark shadow as belonging to you. To return the original offenders toxic shame and forgive them and also take accountability for all the sins you committed against others too. People get victimized but making an identity out of it is a choice. It is denial and an poor excuse to punish others for a little transient emotional relief.

    • savorydish said

      It’s my guess that BPD runs in her family. Everybody in her family is self-medicating. And those who don’t, are in denial or run away. Everybody finds relief in their own way.

      • Yana said

        I thought this was interesting:

        “But the witch hunter believes that she has little or no black heart. She assumes to some degree a particular air of righteousness. It isn’t that she lacks a little black heart, as she would like to believe and like to have you believe, but that she is extremely uncomfortable with her little black heart. She resists it in herself, tries to deny it, attempts to cast it out. But it remains, as it must, and it remains hers, persistently clamoring for some attention. The more she resists it, the more strength it acquires, and the more it demands her awareness. Finally, because she can deny it no longer, she does start to see it. But she sees it in the only way she can–as residing in other people. She knows somebody has a little black heart, but since it just can’t be her, it must be someone else. All she has to do now is find this somebody else, and this becomes an extremely important task, because if she can’t find someone onto whom she can project her shadow, she will be left holding it herself. It is here that we see the resistance playing its crucial role. For just as the person once hated and resisted her own shadow with unbridled passion, and sought to eradicate it by any means, she now despises, with the very same passion, those onto whom she casts her own shadow.”

        Ken Wilber, No Boundary

  5. naples104 said

    SD its just degrees of awful when you are involved with a mentally ill person. The tenderness you describe was all an illusion for her, real for you. It was all a set up on a subconscious level that she can not control. The end was written before the first page was written. I encourage all of you, interview the people that you invite in your life and if they sound like a victim do not engage. Look for success in their lives. If they are not moving forward and positive move on. Its not worth the time and how nice they seem and pretty they may be and sexually appealing they present, they are a cup of hemlock and you will drink it if you allow them in your life. I am sorry you have gone through this again.


    • niceguy said

      Never a truer word spoken,,unbelievable shocking and inhuman behaviour,,its like premeditated pure evil,,how can they act this way?? only they can tell us ?? but do they really know??

      • savorydish said

        I don’t think they are necessarily evil. The last one I dated was actually a really good person. But she had moments when she acted irrationally and boy what a temper. She wasn’t evil at all. But engaged in dirty fighting. It’s the duality that keeps us hoping there’s a chance.

      • MovingForward85 said

        I agree. I dont feel they are evil, either. Its just their coping mechanism. Its how they deal with their emitions. They dont exactly choose to treat us this way. They have adapted and evolved to shying away from personal emotional trauma. We all agree that its a terrible …TERRIBLE situation to be in. Immense pain that can only be dealt with by compartmentalization. Well I shouldnt say “only”. There are healthier ways but are nearly impossible for the bpd sufferer.

      • savorydish said

        I think all humans are capable of evil. It’s just a little more pronounced in the BP when intimacy is involved. Unlike a sociopath, it comes out of nowhere, when they feel slighted.

  6. Marie said

    Borderline men are the same way. They will not accept responsibility for their actions and they are always the victim. All his exes dumped him for no reason. Once when my BPD ex boyfriend got angry and was yelling at me (for no reason) he pick up a drinking glass and smashed it on the floor. He then screamed at me to clean it up because it was my fault. I calmly told him he picked the glass up, he smashed it on purpose and he should clean it up himself. He was irate that I refused this and in disbelief so he kept screaming at me to do it. I instead left his house and went home. Whatever he was upset about always became my fault or if his son or daughter were there then it was the son’s or daughter’s fault.
    Do you ever wonder if some of them invent abuse they suffered previously either in childhood or later? I believe some were abused, definitely, but remember they have their own reality.
    They are the kings and queens of projection with the insults and calling you crazy. I refuse to lower myself to name calling as I find it very crass and inappropriate.

    • savorydish said

      I only got apologies after I went through great efforts to point out how awful their behaviors were. And even then, I’m not sure if they were sincere apologies. Or merely an attempt to manipulate me.

  7. jhan1969 said

    When I dumped mine after the last nightmare, she waited two months and then tried to Hoover me back in. By that time, I was well read up on Borderline M.O’s. She sent me a few books, and a letter. I dumped the books and the letter – unread – down a sewer grate a few blocks from my house.

    It’s like cutting off a gangrenous limb so it doesn’t poison the rest of the body.

    • savorydish said

      I liken it to a drug that makes you feel good, but slowly eats away at your well-being. But this time I was wise enough to keep my distance. The benefit of reading up on BPD. I’m getting better at dusting myself off and not succumbing to the drug.

      • Wizard said

        I hear that. It’s like a junkie trying to get off heroin. If you don’t take the first shot, you can’t get hooked again.

        And they know it. That’s why they try to put the needle back in. Either that, or it’s like your dealer left town without warning. Either case . .. it’s never an amicable break or a gradual tapering off. It’s always ONE … OR THE OTHER.

        Does that surprise any of us who’ve deal with borderlines? Their entire world is BLACK or WHITE. Why should breakups be any different? Same M.O., over and over again.

      • savorydish said

        Good point. Break ups with healthy minded individuals are easy breezy. I’ve stayed in touch with a couple. I’ve tried so hard to stay friends with the borderline ones and it just blew up in my face. That’s how you know they were borderlines. They want all or nothing. Black and white thinking all the way.

      • savorydish said

        The last one actually told me we could never stay friends because she loves me. What? She is still friends with her ex, an alcoholic who cheated on her twice. Says a lot. Doesn’t it?

    • Marie said

      Savory Dish, I read some things about that….why your ex would stay friends with the alcoholic who cheated on her instead of you. I was wondering how 2 BPD people like my parents could stand to be together. As it turns out the articles said that if 2 BPD people find each other they keep each other enough off balance to actually make a good couple. The attraction is very electric in many ways and probably they understand each other better than anyone else could. Of course the fights are like they want to kill each other but at least when they weren’t fighting it was like they were in heaven with each other. I learned quite a bit on what not to do as a wife and friend thanks to both of them.

      • savorydish said

        My theory is she likes the fact that he NEEDS her. It’s that co-dependent bond. There is a comfortable and familiar vibe to someone who reminds her of her father. She likes taking care of people which is very endearing but there is something about that obsession that sounds a little like Munchausen by proxy. And yes, birds of a feather flock together. If you are dysfunctional, you gravitate towards other people who are dysfunctional. I think she feels empowered when the other person is more dysfunctional than her.

      • savorydish said

        I also think I gave her intimacy. Something both her alcoholic ex and alcoholic father were not able to giver her. And it was that intimacy that freaked her out. That is, the fear of losing that intimacy freaked her out.

  8. niceguy said

    Hi savoryfish. When you say they “use carefully chosen words” to hate us or dump us can you let me know some. Are there similar words used throughout the borderlines vocabulary. I have read a few sites on the internet and watched you tube videos,,and i can tell u that i spotted my gf had used a lot of these sayings and little phrases in texts to me,,how strange!!! can you shed any light please,,thanks!!

  9. Laura said

    I think so too. Here James Fallon mentions those violent areas in the world:

    • savorydish said

      Fascinating. Thanks for sharing. I love TED. Fortunately I’ve never been involved with a violent borderline. Mostly passive aggressive and delusional ones. Huge victim complex.

      • Laura said

        Yes, it’s very interesting. 🙂 Because of what happened to me, I explored many different things. I learned about psychology, the world.. and, in a way, I “grew up” knowing myself more, and becoming a better person for myself and the people around me. I wish my friend could have done the same, when we started to have “problems”, and that we could have learned to stay friends in a healthy way.

        Another quote that I like… 🙂

        There is no virtue inherent in un-constructive suffering.
        – (M. Scott Peck)

      • savorydish said

        That’s it. Isn’t it? They never meet us half way. If they just tried as hard as we do to acknowledge their bad behavior I might have tried harder to make it work.

      • Marie said

        Even if you tried harder it would only scare her more that eventually you would abandon her. That fear would trigger even worse behaviour from her. It’s a nasty cycle and I don’t think it’s breakable unless the person is getting serious professional help. Denial is easier to live with….WE are the ones with the problem not them. They also feel if they’ve told us they have a problem that is the only warning we need. We have no idea the hell that’s in store for us….the disclaimer is never warning enough.

      • savorydish said

        Your opening sentence is right on the dot. It did scare her. It scared all of them. In the end, it was insecurity that got the best of them. Insecurity they claimed was my fault.

      • savorydish said

        Thank you for the reminder Marie. They always make me feel guilty for not trying hard enough. But you remind me that I had good reason to keep my distance.

      • Marie said

        You’re welcome. Remember that in a healthy relationship each person must meet the other halfway. Some days one may have to do more for the other but on another day the opposite may happen. With a BP you can’t ever have a bad day because that person needs all the support all the time. Only the BP’s feelings and health are important/valid never yours. Even if you had the worst day of your life at work you would have to put it all aside to listen to the BP’s woes. Let’s also not forget that even if the BP listens to your bad day story or bad luck in life….that is only to gather ammunition to use against you later…I have never met one who listened out of sincere sympathy.

      • savorydish said

        I have certainly listened to my fair share of bad luck stories. But you are right when you say they use your bad day stories as ammunition. To be fair, I probably have as well. I think that’s what people do in relationships that go sour. But BPs seem to be really good at starting fights and taking it too far.

  10. Henley said

    Here are my words for everyone.PLease leave the BPD person. Love yourself first.

    Here is my poem to soothe you.

    It’s okay that we all took back a crazy at least once in our lives. Everyone does at some point.
    It’s okay that we tried.
    It’s okay that our journeys part.
    It’s okay we got our hearts broken. That we feel searing pain followed by hollowness. We will be smarter next time. We will heal and recapture happiness.
    It’s okay to turn all of that energy into yourself, be loving to yourself and strive for healthy in all aspects.
    It’s okay.

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