The Elephant in the Room

March 5, 2014

If any of you were following the comment section under the posting, Being Shut Out, you would have read my exchange with Salty Poems.

I’ve had a few days to process the experience, and it has left me thinking about denial. Salty was raped at age 7. A horrible horrible story. But Salty remembers it as a mere “one off”, no biggie.

It reminds me that denial isn’t always about denying that the traumatic event happened. Usually, it’s about denying how significant the event was, diminishing it’s impact to the point where it becomes a distant memory.

Salty claims she loves men. She says they’re “beautiful and magnificent”. But she said it after I accused her of being a Man-Hater. I suspected that she was a rape survivor when she first showed up, based on the man-hating words she chose. They all speak the same language. They read the same books and the same blogs.

Following the confession that she was indeed a rape survivor, she goes on a rant about how she thinks all men are basically rapists at heart. Yikes. And for a moment, she forgets that she loves men.

I asked her if she had sought treatment, because that would be the logical step after being raped at 7. But she went on a rant about how she thinks therapy is rubbish. And somehow she has recovered all by herself. A miracle? Or a mirage?

She has taken on this alter-ego, a new age hippie who is filled with love and peaceful thoughts. But occasionally, she has thoughts of being raped by men. It was clear at this point, that she was in complete denial.

Anyone (in their right mind) reading her comments, could see all was not well. In one week, she went through a range of emotions from obsessive outrage to peaceful exit.

We tried and we tried to get her to see the light. Because underneath it all, she seemed like a decent person. But we could also see she was deeply troubled and too deep in denial to see clearly. Every time we put forth an irrefutable truth, she found some way to slip around it, ignore it or accuse us of being unwell aka gaslighting/projection.

It is clear that she fears the Truth and fears her past. She avoids it like she avoids treatment. The fear of the Truth and her past is why she avoids treatment. Because confronting her past means opening up a world of hurt. A world she has worked very hard to suppress and compartmentalize.

This is what denial looks like. It is why it has been impossible to get any of the traumatized people in my life to see how traumatized they are or how traumatic they have been to me.

I have said goodbye to so many people who just don’t want to talk about the elephant in the room. People who think that the elephant is me, when it is actually the unresolved trauma in their life. Because the Truth is the elephant was there long before they even met me. I was just the first person in their life to point it out.

5 Responses to “The Elephant in the Room”

  1. savorydish said

    @ Charlie
    Sounds like you need to examine your own issues.

    What does that say when the two posts you attempt to disrupt is the one on denial and the one about histrionic personalities? Both about untreated survivors.

    Time to buy a clue.

  2. Jhan6120 said

    BDP is a result of un-treated trauma. Always.

  3. MovingForward85 said

    Very Well said Savory. I feel the same way.

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