The Fear of Being Revealed

February 22, 2014

Readers frequently ask why borderlines inexplicably shut loved ones out of their life. They are particularly confused when they did nothing to cause such a fearful reaction. In fact, many of these kind souls tried to help and support the borderline despite the never-ending drama. But their kind nature is exactly why the borderline has shut them out and (in many cases) turned on them. It doesn’t make sense because that is the nature of PDs. They defy logic. If you were to ask borderlines, themselves, they might also wonder why they behave this way. The following was a confession by a borderline who was struck with the fear that she might be discovered:

Hi All,
I think I am selfish. My BPD is underlined by some selfishness. Do you have similar feelings?

For fear of my BF abandonning me once he sees me in the light, I left him before he left me. It was inconceivable for me to see that he might accept me after all. I started concealing myself, then lying frequently, then hiding my friends from whom he may learn things about me, then demanding things from him, finally leaving him. ALL THIS IS ABOUT ME ONLY, WHAT i WANT

Now that he left, I am suffering. Why? because again of how he could bring balance and happiness in my life: AGAIN ABOUT ME = MY SELFISHNESS.

I am not saying that BPD are selfish, but with me I see a deep underlying selfishness.


A frequent contributor named Zan found this article which further clears the fog:

But consider, for a moment, that you have been deceived and because you do not understand that the ambiguous behaviors so well hidden by a family system that enables Borderline behaviors to go on undetected and that you have become the unwitting accomplice of something that holds the potential to destroy the family system that protects it.

It is common for the borderline personality to be relatively unnoticed by most people in the family, friends, and acquaintances circle– while at the same time a inflicting personal damage to family members. A common trait of the borderline is to utilize  attention seekingbehaviors that are used to gather a supportive network of understanding, enablers to rescue the Borderline from her worst fear from every crisis.  Some would call her a “Drama Queen” who “acts out” to gain the sympathy and support and  to keep the worst fear from being realized.  As a result, she is constantly burdened with a lifestyle that demonstrates a constant sense of “faking it,” and with the continual threat that sooner or later she will be “found out.”  So, what you are seeing is the great effort going into continually managing people, information, and perception–  to hide who she really is from the public eye.

The danger in a family system is being found out and rejected or abandoned. The very idea of someone exposing the borderline behavior is the trigger that it evokes (for her) the fear  of being exposed. This stress triggers the core issue– fear of abandonment. What you will witness is her intense feeling of rejection, pain, and the anger that triggers defensive mechanisms bringing rage, acting out, and acting in behaviors. Unfortunately, if you are the person who identifies the deception of the borderline, you should be prepared to be subjected to becoming the object of  rage motivated by an irrational belief  of abandonment, social isolation, and rejection. For the borderline, the loss of control, coupled with the fear of abandonment triggers a heightened level of stress that is unmanageable for her resulting in dysregulated emotions .  Consequently,  splitting occurs in her mind and what or was one good has suddenly become all bad.

A pattern among Borderlines, threatened with a feeling of lack of control or being found out, is to turn their anger to the person who knows their secret and threatens the myth that they have created.  This person is endangering their ability to exert control which  triggers dysregulation, anger, rage focused on the internalized threat.  The pattern of the the borderline which demonstrates the intense fear of being found out is rooted in an irrational belief that she/he will be abandoned if found out.  Her behavior presents in striking– outbursts of anger– out using innuendo, accusation that vilifies the person who threatens her total control , while painting a picture of her own victimization. As the borderline expresses rage, they build a circle of supporters around them, who  feed the ego-need– people, who are largely undiscerning, unaware, co-dependent, and capable of being duped through the coercive manipulation and deception that she demonstrates.

If you are not willing to join the company of enablers and participate in their plan,  then expect your life to become very difficult.  Borderline behavior toward the person who recognizes the deception will be skewed by rage, distorted reason, and perception and fueled by the belief that her behavior is justified, correct, and characterized by intense and cruel actions hidden beneath the innocent image being projected- the victim, so innocent. For the borderline, her control takes on the form of isolating support mechanisms that she believe that you depend upon– family relationships, children, grandchildren,  friends, relationships, and financial resources.  It is common for Borderlines to destroy your personal property, assault your credibility privately,  passive-aggressive anger,  projecting behaviors that demonstrate the intense rage and fear felt, an internalized feeling of a  loss of control  The goal of theses behaviors is to deflect any belief that they are indeed suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder and to paint the picture that you are the crazy one with a problem.  Borderlines are constantly putting others in “no win” situations in order to reinforce the myth they have created.

Make no mistake – This is abusive behavior. The psychological scars inflicted by a person who pretends to be your soul mate one minute and then stabs you in the back the next will last for years, if not a lifetime. Consider treatment for yourself and stay away from these people like the plague.

24 Responses to “The Fear of Being Revealed”

  1. rlm4136 said

    Thanks for citing my article and sharing your information..

  2. Zan said

    @ Anon Coward

    Dude, you obviously don’t get what this blog is about. It has nothing to do with women and sex, that is peripheral. It deals with a much deeper sickness. If you can’t see it, you’re blind. One day hopefully you’ll open your eyes and see.

    • savorydish said

      Thanks for the support Zan.

      • savorydish said

        Sadly, guys like Anon. Coward are part of the problem. He is the reason why so many PD women are drawn to feminism and activism. These are groups that condone self-victimization. They perpetuate it. They know if they cry “victim”, guys like Anon will come running. He thinks he is defending their honor, but he is actually feeding the disease. He is the prime target for disordered women.

  3. Zan said

    A few days ago I saw my exBPD friend for the first time since she split me black. I was nervous because I knew we’d be at the same function together and I wasn’t too sure what would happen. Fortunately there was no drama and we did not speak or acknowledge each others presence, although we both knew each other was there.

    For the first time however I was able to see her objectively, without rose-colored glasses. I watched her and her interactions with others, and instead of the anger I’ve felt for so long, I felt a sense of pity for her. Why? Because she was a total misfit in the crowd. She was by herself most of the time, no one really approached her to talk to her, she looked nervous, and I could tell she just did not fit in socially. She could not interact normally with others. But now I could see this is how she has always been, she just latched onto me because I paid attention and listened to her problems.

    It still does not give her an excuse for the way she treated me, but it must be sad to have to go through life like this – a total misfit (in the most literal sense of the word). She’s too old and too much in denial of her problem to get any help now. She’ll certainly be like this for the rest of her life. Was a lonely and miserable existence. I truly pity her.

  4. savorydish said

    @ Anon Coward

    If you get off your high horse for a minute, you will see that this blog is not against healthy women having sex. It’s against disordered women who use sex as a weapon or a tool for manipulation. I am a full supporter of woman’s lib and equality. But I don’t support disordered women acting out. You should learn the difference.

    Unfortunately, many of these disordered women hide amongst feminist movements, because people like you will defend their honor in the name of women’s rights. But this is a hoax. In reality, you are an enabler. Recruiting people to help them cover up their tracks is what disordered people do best. And you fit the exact profile of an enabler. You should know this because you are causing these people to stay sick. You may think you’re helping. But you are merely adding to the pain. You are enabling these disordered people to stay disordered

    Judging by your early comments, you seem to have had your fair share of dysfunctional relationships. So we are probably not that different. The only difference is you are not yet willing to see the disease for what it is. The fog has not yet lifted for you, which means you are doomed to repeat the past.

    • savorydish said

      Many of my readers are women and feminist. So don’t think you are in a unique position of defending women’s rights. This is NOT an anti-feminist site. Though I have been known to be critical of it’s current manifestation. My criticisms are mostly based on the observation that feminism has been hijacked by histrionics, narcissists and borderlines. Feminism is not above criticism.

      I only address feminism because most of the women I have been involved with were feminists to some degree. So the claim that I’m a misogynist is somewhat absurd. If I were a misogynist, I would have stayed clear of such women. So you’re going to have to take your activist act and shaming tactics elsewhere.

      I’m sorry you have this false notion I am attacking women. PDs apply to both men and women. Since all my BPD relationships have been with women, that is the focus of the blog.

      Please seek clarification, before you make blind and gross accusations.

  5. Rick Savage said

    man, I was in a relationship with a borderline and this mimics my experiences exactly. LIke unbelievably.. Right to the exact letter. I could have written it myself.. I’m still traumatized from the crazy bitch, with her dramas, enablers, bullying, defamation of my character, stalking, and off the wall emotional abuse. My ears still ring day in and day out from her insanity. And yet she is still out there, a high functioning borderline in denial, another tragedy waiting to happen. It truly is an awful disorder, and I feel deeply for anyone who gets caught up in the grasp of one of these crazy ass bitches. Its a very, tough time, to deal with their insanity, lies, drama, and distortions.. thanks for the website, it is helping me a lot. And, btw, fuck the enablers. Damn. I tried to let some enablers know about her acute BPD, but they only saw her as some amazing person, or poor victimized soul, that was in constant need of support. It really is a sick, manipulative dynamic, that creates the disordered world of a borderline. I guess you just have to move on. But its hard when they are willing to set up fake email and facebook accounts, and take harassment to an entire other level. Its a very, very sad game. I’m glad i’m out of it. The borderline was a good lesson. But it was extremely hard for me. In the end, being free from her drama and lies and manipulations was a dream I never thought may happen, but I got away from her. Nobody knows whats its like until you have let one of these people into your life, to see the trail of damage, and chaos they leave in their wake. I feel sorry for everybody that comes into contact with her, I really do. She really is a very sad soul, and its tragic.

    • cjh1505 said

      I just got out of a relationship with a person like was brutal.there are things on this blog i feel like could have written myself.she has destroyed me.but im picking up the pieces.

  6. vp said

    I cannot tell you how awesome it was to read this article. Finally my experiences with family members have been validated.

    I experienced this to a “T”. It’s as if I could have written every word.

    I have an aunt that was going through a divorce and became so paranoid about information she had shared with me that made her vulnerable in the divorce that she manufactured this alternative reality where I was conspiring with her soon to be ex and embarked on what can only be described as a smear campaign against me. The “charges” leveled against me were so sickening and so “out there” that I was paralyzed as to how to even defend myself. She tried to have me arrested and eventually turned EVERY family member against me, before I even knew what was happening. She then tried to sue me, and cried to everyone that it was *I* that was suing her! It was dropped but months and months after it was thrown out she was still pretending she had to deal with it and it was ongoing. She also leads many different lives, something that a lot of my family members do, I’ve found out.

    At first, the family turning against me seemed too cruel to believe. But now, I see it as a blessing from God. I didn’t realize how dysfunctional my family was until I was able to breath and live without them. I hope that others can experience the same freedom if they are also in the same family situation.
    Thanks for the blog!

  7. Henley said

    Savory– I love your blog. Your new stuff is pretty wild. I wish I had seen this one months ago. I might have saved me months of heart ache.

    My nutbag ex had an elaborate network of lies bewteen his family enablers, his (so called seperated) wife, me, his 5-8 other girlfirends I found out about. I never met any of his friedns in 2 years or his wife because I’d be able to put facts together. Once I did meet them, the lies were all so evident. He pitted his wife against me because i thought there was someone–but iot was never her– it was other women and if she nad I had ever talked, we’d have figured it out in less than an hour. I never met any of his friends because he has specific friends for which woman he was seeing at the time. I was never in his house until the end because he was a horder and it would have been immediately obvious he never stayed there so every night he wasn’t with me, he was sleeping with someone else. It all cracked when he got arrested for a sex crime and his card fell in.

    I left him in a big way. Instead of him stopping out. He’s gone. But he’s mad. I got the best of him. It was never real for him, I cry and he’s raging and defaming my reputation. I’m left with cleaning up the embarassment and health issues he left behind for me and trying to get the memory of all of his hateful twisted comments out of my head.

    The most recent item is where I have sympathy for you. He’s documenting me. Yep. He’s researching me and “my disorder” on line and collecting all of my texts. just in case. Of what? That I file a criminal charge? He’s so freaking paranoid. The man never had any real interest in me, he didn’t even open my Christmas presents yet now he’s researching me online — powered by anger. At least he doesn’t have the wherewithall to make a blog like your ex.

    March on, Savory. Great blog.

    • savorydish said

      Thanks Henley. Just curious- what is the disorder he is accusing you of having?

      • Henley said

        Ready to laugh?


      • savorydish said

        Interesting. What makes him think that?

      • Henley said

        Projection. Everything he says about me is exactly about him. I was called dangerous, moody, victim seeking, cold-hearted, dramatic, accused of going through his things and making everything about me, that I never helped him enough. It is surreal when he’d go into these tirades and say this stuff about me and it was all about him. I usually couldn’t formulate a response because it was such nonsense and incomprehensible.

        What he completely dismissed was I was clinically depressed (after finding out he wasn’t anything of who I thought he was broken trust an betrayal nearly crushed my spirit), moderately co-dependent (living alone with family across the country can make one needy), shaky self-esteem (I used to be fat, now I’m not but still have that kind of insecurity despite successes in weight loss, marathoning and triathlon), overtly Christian (which is easy to take advantage of teachings on forgiveness, understadbning, patience, giving second chances, overextending to help others) and romantically and delusionally optimistic we could make it (I thought love could overcome anything…until I found out about cheating). Of all of these things, the only that remains is I’m still Christian. My self-esteem has re-emerged, depression shaken and wisened from the delusions of what love can do.

        The one thing I miss is the optimisism I used to have. Maybe it was like living in another world in my head but it was a prettier, happier, brighter and more wonderful place to live than reality.

      • savorydish said

        I went through the same exact scenario. We’re having a discussion about projection in my latest post. It’s a borderline’s way screwing with your head while protecting themselves from reality. I can totally relate to a borderline abusing your forgiving nature and leaving you in a dark place. If this isn’t abuse, I don’t know what is.

  8. neveragain said

    A good friend recommend I read this as I have been tangled up with what I thought was the character from single white female, I now realise that she had BPD for 10 years she created havoc and misery in my life all the while masquerading as my friend, the lies and the stories where unbelievable I now realise that was so I would feel sorry for her and feel guilty for thinking that there was something not right with her, she was a total manipulater, thief and drama queen, the things she did were so vile, they defy belief and I also see her do it to others it actually made me ill, but however hard I tried to get away from her I could not shake her off in the end I had to confront her, I told her I could see through her mask and that she was unwell and I wanted her to stay away from my family, it was heated as so much had happened I just let rip with it all, she said nothing just stared at me like i had grown another head! so I thought thats it and walked away thinking finally im free! that was the beginning of what I can honestly say was the worst nightmare I have ever lived, she cost me all my friends, she tried to turn my familly against me and she even called social services making false allegations and said I was hurting my children, the list goes on and on, but the worst of it was 2 years down the line she tried to have me jumped by 3 other women that believed her sick shit while I was pregnant, my son was born 10 weeks early from the stress she brought on me and nearly died, no authority ever believed me, and trust me I tried to get help she always managed to skirt around the law. Its slowly calmed down, I have heard stories from so many others that she has befriended after me that she has done exactly the same too, she still talks about me to this day, I see her one day and thought I would feel hate for all the pain she caused but it was like a weight lifting off my shoulders because I realised she is a freak of nature, a person that is now in her 30’s and will never change her ways, I actually pity her because she will end up very lonely and very bitter as in the end everyone will know what she is, because as we all know people with BPD can only keep the mask of normality on for a short while and then it slips and their true personality is exposed! its been 4 years for me now since I turned my back and walked away and I still look over my shoulder, she is still around, but I thank god I got out!

  9. Jim said

    How can we spread borderline awareness ?

  10. Zan said

    More BPD for the whole world to watch – until it inevitably gets cancelled.

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