Stronger Sense of Self

February 19, 2014

Even though I find myself in the familiar place of being shut out by someone I used to love, I am better prepared this time around. Last time, I knew nothing about BPD or ACOA. But I am a quick study.

This time, I was emotionally prepared for the fall out. I knew if I broke up with her, she would want nothing to do with me. When you reject someone like this, they will try to convince you that they rejected you.

All those wonderful things she said about me would vaporize into thin air, and then be replaced by devaluation. All the good will you continue to give them, will be met with hostility. I knew it would come down to this.

I knew if I told her she was emotionally unstable, she would say I’m crazy. If I suggested she needed help, she would come back and say I need help. I knew if I got her to go see a therapist, she would spend the whole time telling her therapist what an awful person I was.

It seems I was so awful she spent a whole year with me. I was so awful, all her friends told her that they have never seen her happier. But yet, she insists I made her life hell which doesn’t really explain why she kept coming back to me.

A few years ago, I would have been devastated and dumbfounded. I would be lost and confused like Mitch. But lessons have been learned, experiences have forced me to come back stronger and wiser.

I gave her the benefit of the doubt, because there is always the danger of being trigger happy when looking for BPD-types. When you spend a good part of 2 years studying BPD, you are in danger of seeing BPD everywhere.
If you obsess about something too much you are more likely to attract it then repel it.

All we have is our sense of self. If you have a strong sense of self, they can not take it away. Even after a year of involvement.

I knew she was a runner from the very beginning so I just waited and watched. Without jumping to conclusions. I had nothing to lose.

The truth is that I enjoyed her company… when she wasn’t acting out. And when she did act out I just went back to life as usual. I gave her ample time to prove me wrong. I was waiting for enough evidence to pull the plug.

And when I finally did. She flipped 180 on me. But this time I knew it was coming. I was prepared.

The devaluation is still hard to take. Because it always comes after the period of idealization. It leaves you wondering if she meant any of it… if she really loved you. But if you have a strong sense of self, no one can take that away.

When you love yourself, that’s all that matters. And so you brush yourself off, and keep on looking.

One Response to “Stronger Sense of Self”

  1. niceguy said

    Thats so true and very helpful,,i will deffo be aware next time,,the slightest hint of unusual behaviour and im a gonna,,simple as that.Its torn me apart the waty she behaved with me,,never again.

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