Mitch’s Agony

February 18, 2014

Mitch came to us recently. He is lost and confused. We can all relate to his story, so I share it with you:

My ex girlfriend of 2 years has borderline personality disorder and bipolar. We broke up so she can go to therapy for sexual abuse. The therapist told me to take care of myself and said we can’t be together while she’s in therapy.

Well, as of now, she has told me she never loved me. She hates me. She found a new guy who is the world to her. She says she never wants to see me again. Told me that she has no feelings for me and never loved me like I loved her.

She blocked my number. She blocked my facebook and my Hotmail account. Right now, I feel messed up and I don’t know what to do about it all, because I still love her. I don’t think there is another guy. I think she just said that so I stop pursuing her and give up on her.

There can be no greater agony than loving someone with all your might (despite all the reasons not to) only to have that person suddenly and mercilessly shut you out. It is an act of abuse and abandonment that sends loved ones into a bottomless pit of depression.

So why the 180? First you must understand how disturbed this person is. BPD+BiPolar+Sexual Abuse. That is one hell of a trifecta. That is a ticking time bomb waiting to explode. This person is a complete mess. And only the most dedicated specialist can help her regain some grip on reality.

Mitch doesn’t understand why she suddenly hates him or why she hurts him with suggestions of another man. But first he must understand the nature of someone who has been traumatized since early childhood. She will react to intimacy like a cat who is cornered. She will claw her way out with little regard for the person she is clawing, regardless of how much you love her.

Shutting you out and devaluating you is the only weapon she has against intimacy. She has learned the art of abandonment from her parents. She learned from the best. She carries with her generations of shame and blame.

It is a cruel act to shut someone out. But in her warped mind, she is justified in doing so. She will always find justification. Otherwise, she would not be able to sleep at night.

Her therapist is trying to protect her and Mitch. But Mitch is still in her grips and struggling to get out. I know exactly how he feels. My best wishes are with him.

18 Responses to “Mitch’s Agony”

  1. Sammy C said

    Yeah @ Savory Dish My best wishes are with Mitch as well Sir. Mental Illness is a huge problem in this country , Something needs to be done about these people and fast.

  2. MovingForward85 said

    Howdy. Im back and I am doing great. Can definitely say that things are looking up and im finally back to being myself.

    Have you asked Mitch to read our stories, to see that he is not alone? That would give him great insight, to understand that there are familiar patterns that all BPD exhibit. The more he understands about this terrible disease , the more he will establish it is not his fault.

  3. Susan T. said

    MovingForward,
    You’re absolutely right! It’s hard to get over the damage a person with a borderline personality does to others. They don’t care what they do to others and want others to feel as miserable as they do.

    • Sammy C said

      Don’t they though….They are super angry when you the non is Happy as hell , They hate the people who like you. And most of all despise YOU……., They get joy out of seeing you suffer. And applaud when others abuse you. The sick people that they are.

      All the while believe’in they are normal , They meaning the borderline really think they are normal and right….Suckers that they are!!

      • Susan T. said

        My borderline ex knew he wasn’t normal and said things when he wasn’t having a borderline moment to support this. However, when he wasn’t having when of his borderline moments he was NEVER wrong and he was normal. Us normal people can’t comprehend how anybody can think and act like that.

        Somebody posted this on my facebook. I think the statement explains the problems people deal with well.

        “Nobody will protect you from suffering. You can’t cry it, eat it, starve it away, walk it away, punch it away, or therapy it away. You have to endure it, love it, live through it, move on, be better for it, and run in the direction of your best and happiest dreams across the bridge that was built by your own desire to heal.”

        People with borderline personalities and other disorders will actually preach and lecture the above statement while they are doing the things they are talking against about. I don’t believe someone who works this hard to hide and lie about the way they are has no control over the way they are.
        I don’t know if I will ever understand why anybody will continue to be the way they are.

      • Sammy C said

        Yeah Susan T …I have kinda in a hard way finally realized what you posted there. Its true great post!!!! No body cares , And I mean almost nobody …..Most are just glad it isn’t them . and the rest are either along for the ride with the BPD, and the rest are just too damn dumb to know right from left.

  4. jimsc said

    I deal with these ssme issues snd it has been s few years

  5. Toughmat said

    Good post. I was always fearful my ex would cut me out or abandon me first, but it never happened. I left her when she continued to give me a hard time about me ALWAYS putting my friends first and being selfish etc . She did the verbal attacks and threats about dates but I think they were just tactics. The other day, I sent her a gift for her birthday and she texted me for the first time in around eight months. I felt strong enough in my boundaries to text back even though her first text was an invite to meet. I told her id love to see her but don’t feel ready for that. She was incredibly nice and said she respects it and hopes I’m doing well. She did say two things that she has said every break up which are 1. I was will her hardest breakup she is ever had (ya ya ya don’t like the comparisons) 2. maybe we can try to be friends (because that gets me close to her where I can’t resist her appeal). Still, she was respectful and very nice and had no drama in our brief exchange. My heart really goes out to Mitch. I’d guess there is no other man. Your girl has a ways to go to mature and probably cares so much about you in a childish way she only knows that hurting you will keep you hooked more (she is clever like my ex) and she is protecting herself as well. Is say deep down you know she loved you no matter what she says.
    The more painful stuff she says the more she cares. Eventually, like my ex has, she may mature past the dart throwing. Doesn’t mean my ex is good to go. It’s been almost a year of no contact. She probably knows if she pulled any funny business she would have no grounds for ‘friendship’ or whatever else. Like savory says, work on yourself.

    • Susan T. said

      Toughmat,
      Please don’t get back in this cycle. Everything you have accomplished since your breakup will go to waste. I genuinely want to help others and I want what I do and say to be effective. I know exactly how hard it is but, you have to be bigger and better than your situation. You have to resist the urge to have any contact with them. If you see them on the street you have to look away and act like you have never seem them before. Care enough about yourself and the ones who have tried to help you by not settling for someone who doesn’t treat you well.

  6. Susan T. said

    This site has helped me out a lot. I wish I could have realized everything from this site before I went through all of the drama. This is the only way I know how to reach out to others. I feel that I should do all I can to help others in the same situation. Although, I have no way of knowing if anything that I post makes a difference to anybody. It makes me feel better to now at least be able to talk about my experiences without feeling shameful and stupid for allowing my myself to get in this situation. Anybody can find themselves in an abusive relationship no matter how smart they are.
    I realize these abusers and manipulators work very hard to hide and lie about the way they are. Instead of just changing so they don’t have to hide and lie about the way they are people with personality disorders refuse to change. They love misery and just aren’t good people. It’s like I said before they work against themselves. These type of people will spend an hour to get out of doing 5 minutes of work. The normal thinking person would just do the work and get it over with because it is less of a hassle. There is nothing that anybody can do about.

  7. naples104 said

    Mitch, remember and never forget that BPD’s are pathological liars, they do not live in your world of reality. It doesn’t matter if she is involved with another man or not, she has split you out and gone black and now is out to punish you and she loves that you are suffering. She hates you because she got close to you. She cannot be close to anyone so she has to split you out and eliminate you, its called devaluing and discarding. Do not contact her. You have an issue that needs resolution which is why would you stay with a very mentally ill woman. You are likely a co-dependent and you need to understand why and how not to be one so you choose a woman on your level that does not need to be saved. As hard as it is and it is hard to forget these people take one day at a time. Ask your self out loud, why am I in love with a mentally ill women. You have no future with her or any one that is mentally ill. Get help my friend and heal. Find out about you and what draws you to the sickness of a BPD and the you will be able to live a happy life. Find a therapist that can tell you about terms like “lack of object permanence, mirroring, learn about cluster B personality disorders, the attachment theory and you will become a free man. Right now you are a slave to her reach and she is lethal.

    All the best my friend, we have all been where you are and life exists after a BPD.

    Tom

    • Mitch Mcmanamon said

      I appreciate everything you all say. Im reading everyones post and Im glad your helping me.
      I love Sarah because the way she has it in my head. Things like soulmates trusting loving acceptance. Then she did this. But she said that to everyone. And if theres no man or is she will redo those lines again.

      • MovingForward85 said

        Mitch , thats called Mirroring. She said those things because she knows thats what you want to hear. Its tough to accept but its the truth. My ex bpd said I was the only one for her, she wanted to marry me, she wanted kids with me etc. This is her mirroring you because she knew that you loved her so much that you wanted those things. Think about it… how amazing did you feel when she said those things??? I bet you felt on top of the world. Its because she knew how to fullfil you but only then to discard you.

        Thats emotional abuse. Like Tom said. Knowledge is power. The more you understand why she acted the way she did , the more you will grasp that you were caught in a web of deceit.

        I dont think they are bad people. They are just overwhelmingly weak when it come to delving within themselves. Bpd’s would rather recycle or find a new target to latch onto instead of trying to help themselves. Its easy for us to imagine what it must be like for them. Just dont stoop to their level. They are living a painful life, lets give them that but we also know that they hurt us tremendously, so once you understand the bpd psyche , then you can 1) have closure….. 2) move on …. and 3) heed the red flags for your next relationship.

      • naples104 said

        its not that they would rather move on, they have no choice, let me be clear, you have no future with a BDP or anyone that suffers from cluster B personality disorders. They are damaged most times beyond repair and are not capable of a sustained relationship and more importantly why would you want to be with a seriously mentally ill person unless you have issues. It could be that you are repeating a pattern that has you believing in your subconscious that you are not worthy of a person that is mentally healthy so you seek out people that need help and think that you can fix them. This gives you the reinforcement that you need by putting their needs above yours and when you do they shower you with praise until you get very close to them. They will talk about love, marriage, kids… but the minute it becomes a reality they will split, go black and then if you pursue them they will threaten you and try to ruin you. They direct their anger and abandonment issues that emanate from their childhood on you because their fear of being abandoned again is much more powerful than the love they want and cannot return. They will use sex as a lure and for men we equate sex with love when we are in love and for them its just another lure. Think about the sex you had with your BPD, did you do most of the pleasing and did they receive more then they gave? I don’t want to make this about sex but that is a powerful tool. BPD’s have sex very early in a relationship and that should be a huge red flag. Intimacy is an expression of love and vulnerability to be savored and enjoyed mutually when you are sure the relationship is healthy. Don’t rush to have sex, wait because when it is real it is so rewarding.

        If you have a pattern of being involved with people that are mentally ill and have severe issues then look in the mirror, its you too and you need help. Fix you and then you can move on in your life and find a person that can and will support your needs and you theirs. The recovery from this intense type of relationship is not easy because the good you remember as being unbelievable and that is called euphoric recall. You think your needs are being met but the BPD is playing a role and most time does not even know it. That which you think is love is like a line of cocaine, an instant rush so good you want more, its an addiction.

        You have convinced yourself that you will put up with anything from that loony toon to restore the false belief that they will love you because of how much you will do for them. That’s not love that is co-dependence. If you suffer from it you can never have a meaningful relationship either. It will take work with an excellent therapist, not a feel good person that tells you are good and strong, you will need regressive analysis that will open your past as a child and find out why you make the choices you make. I am happy I made the investment of time and money to find out about me. I still have insecurity issues but I am so much more mentally healthy than I was in the past. I hope my entries help, I am not an authority. I am a student of how to live a happy life and learn more about it every day.

        SD do not shut down the blog, it is a great forum for all of us to get healthy and stay healthy.

        Tom

      • savorydish said

        Thanks for your input and your support, Tom.

    • Susan T. said

      Tom,
      You couldn’t have said it better! These people are liars and live in a delusional fantasy.

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