Move the Fuck On

January 28, 2014

As I’ve said before, I am a magnet for borderline women. But there comes a time when even I can not tolerate the craziness and the drama. So I tell them, “Let’s just be friends”… thinking the drama will be downsized.

It seems natural to me for two ex-lovers to be friends even when things don’t work out. After all, we were so close before the break up, we should be close after the break up.

This is not the way many borderline women see it. They see it as a slap across the face. A stabbing pain in their heart.

The untreated/unaware borderline might initially agree to be friends. But soon (sometimes the next day), you will notice your new friend is being awfully prickly. Some might say bitchy. She will start a laundry list of all the things that make you unworthy of being her friend.

Funny, because (before you broke up with her) she thought you were the most amazing man she had ever met. Before the break up, you were the kindest/most loving man in the world. You were a catch. Even her own friends and family had remarked that they had never seen her happier.

Before the break up, she couldn’t get enough of you. She might have called/texted you every day, at all hours. She was at your place, whenever you had free time. But after the break-up, she gets annoyed when you contact her. She tells you she’s busy.

You have become a nuisance to her. Eventually, she tells you she is moving on. But what she is really telling you is “move the fuck on!” “Get out of my face.” “I never want to see you again.” She will be cold and brutal. The sweet and tender side of your ex-lover has completely disappeared.

Suddenly, she will accuse you of being too needy (oh, the irony). She will twist your words and bait you into fights. She will accuse you of being crazy, even abusive. She will say all sorts of horrible things because this is what a borderline does in the face of rejection.

She will actually make it seem like she is the one rejecting you. The borderline ego is very very fragile. That is when she becomes the most delusional. She will tell her friends and family that you are pestering/stalking her. All because you had the audacity to suggest you should stay friends.

Why the sudden change in opinion? Well, you broke up with her. You abandoned her. You rejected her. All the things the borderline fears more than death. She will never admit it, but she is devastated. The only way she can cope is to split you black, which includes demonizing you and devaluing your worth to her.

This allows her to emotionally detach without remorse. She will convince herself that you deserve to be treated like shit, because that is the only way she can live with herself. But she is kidding herself. The borderline is not without remorse. She just buries it deep down inside. She compartmentalizes it. She cries at night. She retreats to a world of delusion and denial. But all the while, the remorse feeds on her heart like a cancer.

This is a pattern of behavior that I have seen play out over and over again. By now, I know the routine by heart. It is impossible for a borderline in denial to stay friends with me. I know too much. She wants to stay in denial. She can not have someone like me who is constantly confronting her with her true nature. She needs to run away and find the warm shelter of a codependent relationship. She needs to find an enabler that will play along with the lies. Someone who will ignore the elephant in the room.

Friendship is not possible. Because to her, it feels like rejection.

17 Responses to “Move the Fuck On”

  1. naples104 said

    SD you dont want to be friends with a BPD, they are not capable of a sustained relationship unless they have taken intervention very seriously and even then it is very hard

    • savorydish said

      I know. I am too sentimental for my own good. I can not help but care. I try to make them aware of their condition but that only makes them run faster. Each time they run it takes another piece of my heart.

  2. toughmat said

    Another good post. I am holding on to fantasies that I will be friends (and maybe more) with my ex one day. She posted on facebook not too long ago about how it sucks that even when she is so drawn to someones energy or unique personality (that was nice to read), her “raw and unabashed” way of being pushes people away and it sucks sometimes. But, that even though it doesnt make it easier, she stands strong in who she is and knows she is “weeding out the weak”. This message was definitely about me, or at least included me as part of the weak. It pissed me off, and showed me that what Savory said in this post is true. They will create a story in order to not face themselves and place blame outside of themselves. WAlking away from drama and co-dependence is not weakness.

    I have been in therapy a long time now and I have seen several people. It is nice when things add up and taking one’s own life back into their hands and not having someone else be the higher power is one theme that everyone supports. Not staying and enabling.

    On a side note and this will shed light into a non’s issues, I have developed this crazy dental phobia about being numb. My therapist says it could be some unconscious lack of control issue as I am dealing with a break up. Ive never liked the dentist but this is getting out of hand. I have to get a cavity filled tomorrow and im shitting bricks. A friend gave me some Klorazipan which im afraid of taking, so im thinking about taking some shots of alcohol to relax. Im not an alcholic but i have used it on occasion to relax. On the 12th im getting concious iv sedation for some bigger work. If I can get through tomorrow with courage then ill be more confident. Part of me just wishes my ex was around as if then I would handle things better. Maybe my psych is right.

    • savorydish said

      Thanks, Mat.

      It is tough to let go of someone who was so close. Borderlines are good at getting deep down inside to that vulnerable part of your soul. They become part of you. That’s why it feels like you are losing a limb.

      You know you can’t stay, but yet you don’t want to leave entirely. So you offer a consolation prize. But that is exactly why they reject friendship.

      Borderlines want all or nothing. Anything in between feels like rejection. Being friends and reading their facebook entries just gives them an opp to lash out at you- to cause more pain in your life.

      I keep holding onto hope that each borderline relationship will be different. I fool myself into believing that I am getting better at reaching out to borderlines. I am repeating the past in hopes of re-writing the past.

      But with each failed relationship I realize why it fails. If you are not willing to be an enabler then there will always be conflict. The borderline is fighting to stay in denial. Damned if you do, damned if you don’t.

  3. niceguy said

    Absolutely accurate and spot on posting savoryfish,,sums it all up for us loud and clear,i must thank you for that.So hard to believe a human being can “say” they love you one minute,then the next day cause arguments to end it all and not love you.My gf puts a few new profile pics on her fb,,ironic really as i posted 2 pics of her on her fb from our holiday page before we split and she went mental saying she didnt want all and sundry looking at her private life,,” it was only her friends who could see it. So posting these pics now is a right insult to me!!! Cold and callous selfish and immature,thoughtless for our needs,only concerned about what they get out this relationship Thats a borderline to me.

    • savorydish said

      Yep. Borderlines on the run say one thing and then contradict themselves days later. They say whatever they need to stay in denial.

      Funny you mention fb pics. My ex loves to post pics of herself. You would think she is happy as a clam looking at her carefully chosen pics. But I know what happens behind the pics.

      • naples104 said

        the closer you feel to a borderline and the more you care for them the more frightened they become. The are not capable of a sustained relationship because nothing in their lives is permanent. Most borderlines are women and most have had a history of sexual abuse or if not sexual severe abuse of some sort, Can you imaging as a child and a loved one sexually abuses you, all trust is gone and the minute you feel loved you have no choice but to protect yourself. Your mind will only allow you to go to the place where you are most comfortable and that is to reject that closeness and, run, cause a fight, accuse you of something to distance themselves from you. You represent that pain because they have been abandoned, abused and betrayed as children. My advice is find out what you are drawn to this unhealthy relationship and fix your self.

        Tom

  4. Howie said

    Having been split black and divorced by a spouse and subsequent girlfriend, both of whom had “moved on”, as in cheating on me and taking up with somebody else while still with me (one of them my wife mind you), with all the pre-requisite “cold shoulder” silent treatments, mental, verbal and emotional abuse preceding; I finally got the message and “moved the fuck on” myself!

    I’ve grown to learn from my mistakes. I can’t and won’t love someone so shallow and superficial once I become aware in the form of betrayal. I hope I never see either of them ever again. I certainly don’t waste any time thinking about them because they’re not worth it. Learning of the betrayal was a liberating experience for me and enabled me to seek out someone who merited spending my time, energy, attention, money and affection on. Maybe that makes me a jerk too.

  5. wizard said

    The only way to move the fuck on is by a complete and total cut-off. 100% disengagement. Cauterize the wound and move forward. Block their cell #. Block their emails, etc, etc. It hurts, but it’s the only way.

    Which, of course, FULFILLS the Borderline’s fear of abandonment. Oh, tragic irony 😉

    Example:

    About four months after I completely cut off my borderline ex-girlfriend, I received a package from her. It was some books, and a letter. I threw ALL OF IT down a sewer grate two blocks from my house.

    If I had read the letter, I WOULD HAVE BEEN ENGAGING. Even THINKING about my borderline ex would have been engaging.

    You have to learn how to recognize HOOVERING techniques in order to avoid them. Throwing that stuff down a sewer grate was one of the most liberating experiences of my life. It meant I really wasn’t fucking around anymore.

    • savorydish said

      I’ve only experienced hoovering a few times. But in most cases they cut and run. No sentimental goodbyes. Just dust.

      I wish I could just turn it off. But the emotional wreck is real. And I am the one left to pick up the pieces. IOW it’s never that cut and dry for me. It’s like a tornado aftermath. A whole lot of surveying the land and wondering what the fuck happened.

      BPD experts make it sound easy but it never is. The advice is sound but it’s a lot like telling a tornado survivor to just get over it. It takes time to heal messy wounds.

      This is an addiction. Like all addictions it should not be taken lightly. No contact is reasonable advice but it means nothing to an addict. It’s like telling a meth addict to just say no.

      One should not assume that this will be an easy road. It is more like being lost in the jungle with plenty of missteps and perils falls.

  6. niceguy said

    In reply to savoryfish !!happy as a clam phrase!! You are right about fb pics making themselves look so happy,,we are the only ones whom really know what these wicked selfish souls are really capable of,””sorry for using the term wicked ” i know they have an illness”however we get the rough end of the deal and to me its wicked to behave this way with no remorse.We have seen what all their friends have no idea about,”all professional and perfect in their daily world,,acting like a hard done by innocent sweet introvert,thats why no one would believe us if we said our ex borderlines were crazy,,we would appear the crazy ones. We may know whats behind these fake pics and lovely smiles,,But we were also the ones who fell for all these traits.We had know idea the woman/man behind the mask was gonna destroy our souls in approx 3 month,maybe longer in some cases.I wonder why these borderlines dont just have a normal affair,like meet someone,just go with the flow and as they must know it wont last ! why do they go on so much about loving us,putting us on that pedestal,making us feel so loved and special. Ffs just miss that shit out,why do it,whats the reason,,,then we probably wouldnt feel so hurt.Because we ourselves would have only given as much love etc as was warranted,,why do they give you all this love bullshit,,then dump us,,ok fine dump us but dont spin this line of love shit.So why this mascarade of happiness to their friends,,mind u they do show their sad depressed side as well when they want too.My gf showed me nothing,,straight for the jugula,blamed me for allsorts,insulted me,,deliberatly caused an argument i think. However on her fb she was posting sadness and huggs etc , feeling depressed etc,,even once said missing someone very special,,mmm how strange,!!!,,,thats like eerrr how come im thinking of him,,” as if she shouldnt be”Couldnt understand that as she was evil to me so easily,,when i told her that she said” youre so wrong “” and wouldnt explain still?Wonder if that was her true feelings and remorse kicking in….or was she doing it for her friends to see and feel for her again…makes ya wonder??

  7. Dear Savorydish,
    I thought you might be interested to see the blog of a former borderline who has now recovered fully. You can read about thow I did it here – http://bpdtransformation.wordpress.com/2013/11/23/how-did-i-recover-from-borderline-personality-disorder/

    Feel free to refer any of your borderline ladies to my site!

    I am surprised that someone like you would repeatedly get involved with borderline women to the degree that you seem to do. You’re absolutely right that someone who is borderline needs to work out their own issues first before they can be involved in a serious romantic relationship. When I was borderline, I could have never had a good love relationship, but now I can, and I do. But I don’t think that I would ever again be involved in a destructive romantic relationship with another borderline. That is partially because I was borderline in the past, and so I am extremely good at detecting when someone else is in the present. Maybe you need to upgrade your borderline sensors 🙂

    • savorydish said

      No surprise at all. People like me have dated borderlines their whole life. It’s a pattern of behavior that must be broken like any other pattern of behavior.

      I am good at detecting borderlines now. I only just learned about the disorder a few years ago. Only now do I realize that many of the women I’ve dated in the past had borderline/histrionic qualities.

      That being said, I still like to give people the benefit of the doubt. I don’t rush to judgement. I give them time to reveal themselves. And if it is a dead end, I jump out.

      Sometimes it takes days. But sometimes, if there are more good days then bad, I give them longer to sort things out. If it doesn’t work out, I break it off.

      These patterns take time to break. Just because you learn about an addiction, doesn’t mean you are instantly cured. It takes work. Just like treating BPD.

      • naples104 said

        excellent blog, the key to any recover is discovery of why you react the way you react.

        As for detecting BPD’s, the key is to not get involved with them at all. You have to question why you engage with them. That is something you need to address. Why engage with a person that you know has a sever emotional and mental disorder. That would tell me that you also are suffering most likely from codependency and looking for the pain that you suffered as a child from the relationship with your same sex parent, read about the attachment theory. That issue could be deeply buried in your subconscious and you may feel that he or she was the shining star of your life. That is the way it was for me and when I discovered that my perception of my past was not the reality of my past i was freed of repeating the same cycle over and over again. I love my parents and they did the best they could but the reality of it I became the product of really violent episodes that I had buried. Most BPD’s have buried something like sexual abuse and act out the anger they feel toward the perpetrator in their childhood on the person that is trying t get close to them. The close you get to them the worse the relationship gets.

        Tom

  8. Willing Victim said

    just found this site very recently. I like the fact that there are others out there that have lived through exactly what I have lived through. It makes me feel less crazy and confused but still…..gotta wonder why I ran head long into the fire when I clearly saw and smelled the smoke. Even met some of the other charred remains on occasions. Several of them, in fact. Actually became friends with a couple of them as we are in same line of work.

    My ex never got formally diagnosed. In fact, she never attended even though she promised to. She checked out Haven’s Blog and Shari Schreiber and I think it scared her. She found a copy of “Eggshells” under my bed and went nuts. Later, after reading, she said “I think I have it.”

    As for being attracted to a BPD, I think that once you “dabbled” you are “done.” Kinda like heroin I imagine. Never tried it but I know very successful people that did. The ones that survived have said that they still think about it everyday. They manage to stay away….but they miss it…they obsess about it….knowing that they would love to feel it but knowing that it might kill them this time. I look at my ex the same way. I love her….always will in a way….but she is deadly.

    Personally, I am trying to be attracted to sane girls but it is difficult. I do believe what Tom said about codependent traits being present. It was/is true for me at least. I was certainly addicted….addicted to the sex…..addicted to the drama….addicted to the challenge of trying keep someone happy that is impossible to contain from one minute to the next. High on the world one minute…convinced life was too much pressure the next….and always questioning my love/devotion no matter how many different ways I tried to prove it.

    Like SD said, some of us have dated BPD’s all our dating life. After this last round, I had to do some deep soul searching. I have come to same conclusion. I sought out some competent therapy and got some hard to face insight. One exercise I had to do was a dating log. I had to compile a list of all the girls I had dated and list why they worked out or didn’t and general characteristics of the relationship. It was a sobering look at my life and choices I had made.

    I have always felt and even portrayed myself as having been a very moderate dater. I had this idea because I had always only counted the significant relationships. Well….turns out the ones I considered significant were so because I confused significance with intensity. I had only had a few long term relationships. However, I ended up with a list of over 60 girls that I had dated and quickly discarded. Unfortunately, I had sex with all of them as well. The fact is, they were nice girls. I was a pretty popular guy and good athlete. Great job with lots of “stuff.” A sobering look back reveals that these were nice girls that were trying hard to get me to like them. I didn’t give them a second look because they didn’t “trip my triggers.” A friend who has been in recovery a while recently told me that he realizes that only crazy girls make him horny. I think there is some merit to the post about the relationship of children of alcoholics and the propensity to have mood disorders as a result.

    I have dated several ridiculously talented, intelligent, super hot girls that were crazy as hell. They all were driven in their fields but never fulfilled. Always looking for over the top thrills. Unfortunately for me, that often entailed the attention of other men and sometimes other women. Nevertheless, I chased them as hard as I could. We had tumultuous breakups, off the charts make-ups, and repeat crazy break-ups. The funny thing is, all of them eventually came back, over and over, for years. Eventually, I got tired or they got married. Usually my getting tired simply meant that I had met someone new. Calling them crazy is easy and hard all at the same time. I loved them but they drove me nuts but I stayed on all the same. I definitely have learned that letting go is an art that has to be practiced.

    My last ex was very, very beautiful and smart. Has a body of an Olympic athlete crossed with a ballerina….heart like an icicle and a devious and diabolical mind. It didn’t help that she is 23 years younger than me.I was so convinced she was a victim of the world. Stories of mistreatment, bad boyfriends, mean dad, date rape…the whole deal. I thought I could help. I felt sorry for her. She was actually a tenant in my condo.

    When she came after me and proposed a relationship, I was floored and told her no. Too much age difference, business relationship would be ruined, ect. She persisted and I finally gave in,

    I was on top of the world. The typical pedestal “high” I was on was phenomenal. The sex was off the charts from the first day. Sex Sex Sex every day for a couple of months. Then it was sex sex sex…. Fight Fight Fight….. Run run run. New guy after new guy. Hit the wall after wall….return with sad looks and abundant apologies in the middle of the night…..I would forgive….she swear she had changed…..Garden of Eden for about a month…. Wash Rinse Repeat.

    I got to the point where I was doing well and over it….having fun…dating a nice girl from church….you know what happens next….hadn’t seen her in 6 or 7 months….email in the middle of the night….graduated….no job offers …mom diagnosed with cancer…grandfather dying….ex boyfriend tried to kill her…..I was never off her mind…I am the only place she feels safe…realized the mistakes….change has come….please marry me…I know what I want…….Hook…line….sinker….I swallowed it all in one gulp. Garden of Eden all over…..Four horsemen of the apocalypse fast approaching.

    Everything was great….or so we pretended….she got a great job at the hospital….new car….wants to move back in….sort of does so by proxy but I tell her she has to live on her own for a while….I was actually entertaining her talk about marriage….she gets an apartment a block down the street from me…Me not crazy about that…she leaves one day to buy a couch she saw on craigslist….guess what…dude from craigslist is the doctor she always dreamed of….soulmates from first glance….moves in with him a week later….now I get the pleasure of seeing them together although I doubt I get a wedding invite ;-).

    The crazy part is I still care about her….that is the sick part. She split and painted me black so quick it was crazy, for the third time that is. We live in a small town on the coast. Gossip central actually. I have had several girls that have dated this cat and even other doctors that went to school with this guy….they all swear he is gay. I met the dude before I heard this stuff and definitely got a strong feminine vibe from the dude. She thinks that he is total macho because he is in good shape…strict diet…not a hair out of place….house on the water…nice boats.. the whole nine yards….but people swear he is gay…. his ex-fiancé says she is positive he is in the closet and wont come out because of his practice. He’s a pediatric orthodontist. I guess parents might have a problem with where his hands may have been if he were “out”

    Anyway….sorry for the long rant…..its like being on an island by yourself for years and then coming off the island and get to talk to people that understand your language….what its like to be shipwrecked ideologically speaking. I feel like that in finding this site.

    If you believe in what goes around comes around, stay tuned. I do. It has happened over and over with her. I believe now that as a result of connecting with folks that have had the exact same experience that I am smart enough and strong enough to stay away from the heroin.

    She can post all the pics she wants on FB and talk all the crap in the world about how happy she is. Nobody believes it….she has never maintained a relationship longer than a few months….goes thru friends like the weather changes….I have seen her lie to all her family about everything…the only difference I see that people disagree with is that she will truly die to hang on to this one due to status and money….and the fact that she now has a profession and cant keep up with her promiscuous ways as her reputation is catching up. One of her friends call her a “beard.” I had never heard that term. Anyway….I can see her staying on one hand because she has all the access to all the “stuff” and “status” and he is trying desperately to hang on to the illusion that he is not gay. A deal made in BPD/Codependant hell. But I cant say much….I was there…it has its highs….and terrible lows

    • savorydish said

      Glad this blog helped. If any of you are wondering if the woman in your life is a borderline. Just have them read this blog. If they go apeshit, then that is a redflag. Borderlines are like vampires, they hate their own reflection. The more true the reflection, the more they want to smash the mirror you have held up. Borderlines in denial will run when you confront them with reality.

      Confusing intensity with intimacy is exactly why we stay.

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