When Borderlines Cut You Out Of Their Life

January 8, 2014

The story is an all too familiar one in the world of borderline personality disorder- Boy meets girl.  Girl falls madly in love with boy. Boy decides she is the one. Boy finds out girl has serious issues. Girl agrees to therapy. Girl stresses out and runs from boy. Girl cuts boy out of her life forever. (Yes, this happens the other way too)  One young man recounts his experiences falling in love with a borderline:

In any case, I’m in my Senior year in college and dated a girl for a year and a half, and she’s been thru it all. First off, she is smart, funny, and absolutely gorgeous. However, she was raped, sexually assaulted, saw a friend die, has a mom with biploar, really odd boyfriends, etc…when I met her I went thru most of which you guys wouldn’t be surprised to hear. I stopped her from cutting, hitting herself, had to calm her during flashbacks, panic attacks, suicidality, etc.

The bond that is established between a trauma survivor and a person that becomes the caregiver is much more intense than your average relationship. It is a codependent relationship for sure, but it is also highly addictive for both parties. When that trauma includes rape, the caregiver is biting off more than they can chew.

We also had numerous, heated arguments that led to us breaking up almost every week. Often she would try to make me jealous by flirting with other guys, or just start fights for no reason, often throwing things, screaming terrible insults at me, etc. I stood by her thru all of this because when she was actually healthy we were pretty amazing together. I always knew in the back of my mind that this girl was borderline, and biploar, and odds are it wouldn’t work out.

Nothing hurts more than going out of the way to care for someone with extraordinary emotional needs only to have them lash out at you in extraordinarily cruel ways. A BP is use to abusive/ dead-end relationships. When they finally meet someone who is kind and giving, they freak out. They feel unworthy of someone who is in it for the long haul. And so the self-sabotage begins. Unconsciously, they push their lover away. And then ruthlessly punish them, when they finally do drift away.

BPs are not evil people. They are terribly insecure and emotionally damaged. But a terribly insecure person can do horrible things to someone who loves them. Ironically, a BP is more likely to harm someone who loves them than someone who neglects them. To their credit, the partners of BPs are able to forgive BPs for what most people would consider unforgivable. This requires a tremendous amount of patience and tolerance. Most people would abandon a BP. But the few who do stick it out, hope for better days.

Then, I helped convince her to go to McLean Hospital, and seek DBT therapy. She definitely improved, and after that all of a sudden the relationship changed. She was an amazing girlfriend, did whatever she could to help me, was SO loyal to me, and basically everything I could have ever wanted. Last semester (Sept. 2009-Dec. 2009) things just skyrocketed. We practically lived together and hung out all the time

This sounds like a really inspiring story right?!?! I mean, for months my friends and my family told me that we could never have a normal relationship, they would sit me alone in my room everyday and tell me to get out before I got hurt. Even they started to admit they were wrong, and we were really on our way. I made the mistake of really letting my guard down, I completely ignored the fact that she was bipolar and could change her mind any second. I really believed that this was the right girl for me, and that we would be together forever. Before I was honestly afraid of breaking up with her because she was so attached to me, but that stopped even being a possibility. She would talk about our wedding, kids, family, future, everyday, and I really started to believe we would have all of that.

BPs are very good at pulling people into their drama. They are even better at giving false hope. When a BP can no longer deny their issues, they will promise to seek help. For a short period of time, the BP will display signs of improvement. But these are short-term gains, mostly superficial improvements. During this period, BPs are on their best behavior. They are putting up a facade of good mental health. But just one bump in the road is all it takes for the facade to fall off.

When February started, all of a sudden everything just changed. We had a hard conversation where she told me that she was really worried about being long-distance, and that her therapist at McLean might tell her she has to break up with me because distance is so hard on her.

It doesn’t take much for a BP to be discouraged. In their defense, dealing with BPD/Rape trauma is no easy task. But it is not unusual for a BP to throw in the towel after a few months of therapy. Whether or not the therapist actually told her to break up with her boyfriend is questionable. Sometimes a BP hears what he/she wants to hear. It is more likely that this BP finally succumbed to her fears of abandonment. A BP breaks off a relationship as a preemptive measure against his/her own heart break.They break your heart before you can break theirs. In some ways, it gives them control.

Also because she was too dependent on me this year, and next year it would be a hard transition to be without me– I was her whole life. I knew I was really in for a hard, hard time after that talk. The next day, petty fights just started up constantly for no reason. She soon went into a severe depressive state, to the point where she had seizure-like behaviors. Things turned really quickly, and became really bad. She stayed in my room for about 4 days straight and I had to carry her around everywhere. I had to get her every meal, call professors to tell them she was ill, carry her to the bathroom, etc. Her rape flashbacks also started up again, and the Zoloft completely took away her sex drive. As a result, her Body Image disorders just shot thru the roof, everything was going wrong. Then shortly before Valentine’s day she came and told me she didn’t know if she loved me anymore, obviously I was crushed! The next day she sent me a message, blocking me on facebook and saying she will no longer contact me because of advice from her parents and doctors.

When a BP becomes emotionally dependent on someone, the fear of losing that crutch is too much. It is this fear that brings out the darkside of a BP. Picking fights is a sign that the BP is looking for an out. They are devaluing you to make it easier to leave while pushing you away at the same time. Eventually, a BP devalues you to the point where they feel nothing for you. You are dead to them. A BP partner rarely sees this coming. They think the fights are just part of the ups and downs of a BP relationship, not realizing that this is the final dip.

In a matter of days, you have gone from the love of their life, to someone who is smothering them. Partners are usually shocked at how cold their ex-lover has become. Blocking you from facebook is the least of your worries. When a BP “splits you black”, they can resort to hostility to get rid of you. That hostility can translate into infidelity, a smear campaign and false accusations. When a BP is in the grips of fear, both rational thought and compassion are thrown out the window. The love you had is a distant memory as far as they are concerned. In some cases, the BP will convince themselves it was all an illusion. And in a way, he/she would be right. An untreated BP is incapable of actual intimacy. You have just witnessed what happens when a BP finds him/herself in a serious relationship.

Sadly, a BP in denial will never know how much pain they have caused their lovers. A partner who has been cut out of a lover’s life will go through unimaginable pain, self-doubt, and deep depression. These caretakers gave up their own well-being to love a BP, and in return were betrayed.

I feel like I wasted 1.5 years of my life. Logically, I know life must go on and I have such a solid friends/family support base that getting thru this really hasn’t been that bad. I’m still devastated though and think about her everyday. I dream about her every night. I hope to never hear from her again because I’m so angry, what kind of sick person gives you their life for 18 months, then just expunges you completely? At the same time– I secretly hope, everyday, that she contacts me and gives me a reason to take her back. I also know that I will never take her back again, or will I? I’m very confused. Does she come back to me? Do I contact her? Is there any hope? Is she going to make an honest effort to get better, then come back to me when she is ready? What in the world is going on?!?!?

But the fact is a BP is sick. Many lovers underestimate how sick a BP is at their own expense. Well-meaning friends will tell this person to move on, but it’s never that easy. A BPD love is an addiction. When you stop cold-turkey you go through withdrawal symptoms. This person has just been traumatized and victimized. It will take a great deal of time (and maybe counseling) to heal and trust someone again. Unless, a BP has been treated for years there is always the risk of being put through the wringer.

318 Responses to “When Borderlines Cut You Out Of Their Life”

  1. Anders said

    I´m a guy from sweden. I read your story gasping for air. I´ve just gone throw EXACTLY the same thing, the same pain and frustration. She acted identically to your girl. Blocked me completely after saying “I have never loved anyone so much”. I have since learned that she has Borerline which explained many of her sides I had noticed. Hell on earth!

    • savorydish said

      You would be surprised how many people share our story. The more a borderline loves someone, the more likely she is to block someone out of her life. Don’t allow yourself to believe it was your fault. Don’t listen to a borderline devalue you. This is an emotionally damaged person looking for a scapegoat. The worst thing a borderline can say is “I love you”, because it means it’s only a matter of time when she will turn on you. And it will happen all of a sudden. And it will happen again and again until they are treated. The most painful thing to accept is that borderlines will walk away from a relationship without even looking back. The intimacy you shared is blocked out of their mind. You become a total stranger and, in some cases, a threat. That’s why it’s so important for us to continue telling our stories. The only reason why they are able to get away with such abusive mind games is because of ignorance. The world is ignorant about BPD. A borderline in denial is ignorant of the fact they are hurting people. Sorry to hear about your loss, but you will be all right.

    • Tom said

      Hej på dig från Helsingfors! I have visited this site daily almost for the past 4 weeks. On Valentines night I managed to get a table at a great restaurant here in Finland. Had my son along. Let me back up a bit. It all started like a dream, she is beautiful, sexy, well spoken, etc etc. I am twenty years older than her. We meet, on the street since she has a salon downstairs.

      All was perfect, too good to be true, best sex, best attention, felt great with her…about a month later honeymoon ended! First a few verbal abusive things, then that escalated into physical, then disrespect, threats against my son (14 and lives with his mother), then going out with her friends, coming home at 0430…waking me up, drunk, beligerant etc.

      Two quick stories, she came home at 0430, entered the bedroom, I was laying sideways asleep, she grabbed my private parts and yanked me out of bed, then kicked me in the head….I had turned the my mobile phone off. Another time woke me up and said if you do not make me pasta I will pee on your floor…which she did.

      She begged forgiveness, I threw her out, she hoovered and sucked me in again. All fine but I noted that I was cleaning, I was shopping and I was cooking…then came the ‘I need more quality time’…I see my son every second weekend, thus I have 12 days for her and two for my son…every day it was something, every day it was drama, her ‘friends’ mostly losers, attention whores who are beligerant towards other women…show offs. Not when i was around though.

      Everything revolved around her, her needs, her acting (no kidding) like a 5 year old using a childs voice, other times she would simply complain, am tired etc. Sex more or less stopped and at night she would be on FB, twitter, instagram etc….So agian threw her out. This repeated itself 5 times that I recall. Maybe 6. She threatened to burn my home, she claimed that the apartment was hers etc etc. Threw her out again. Got lonely and she came back…or better yet I let her back.

      Now for the 3 weeks leading up to Valentines Day she has been acting like an asshole. Then it was VD and we were going to the restaurant. Just before she explained that her good friend had a date, a blind date, a date with a drummer from some band, and that my gf should join since she was ‘scared’. This was bullshit, I knew it, the words and explanations were coming so fast…so I said, that is odd, blind date my ass, secondly your friend sleeps with anyone anywhere anytime…then the story quickly changed, oh I know the drummer from Canada….never heard about him. Anyway, she had made the plan, agreed to it and sort of BTW’ed me. I got pissed off. We came home, and I packed her things up and threw her out. Told her never to return and took the keys….that was 4 weeks ago.

      She sent me a long email about how she loves me but ‘we do not get along’ because of me and my ‘jealousy’ and ‘bad temper’ and ‘abusive behavior’ and blah blah blah….projecting. Not once in the email did she admit to anything. Then came the victim crap, perhaps someday someone will understand her and love her for who she is. I do know she has visited her ex boyfriend who was abused by her but he was not much to talk about, drugs, drunk, unpaid bills etc.

      And also lately (the 3 weeks prior to VD) she hit me in the fact and scratched my back because she has over 3000 euros in unpaid invoices. Followed by ‘all my friends bfs buy them holidays’ I said name one, and she could not. Then came ‘all my friends bfs buy them cars’…again, name one, she mentioned one, but they bought a car together, just had a kid and recently got married.

      I realize she has severe BPD, traces of Histrionic and maybe a mix of NPD. I also know the fact that she is 20 years younger and that she was probably using me etc. Naturally I miss the good times, and naturally I miss sleeping next to her, but the risks were high. Am now waiting for triangulation or revenge. She sent me an SMS stating…it is so sad. But then she goes silent.

      The trust factor is low to zero But am hurting…I am not ugly or arrogant, I have my MBA, my BA, a good job, own my home 100%, no debts, no credit card debts, etc etc etc. What am I doing wrong. Never been married, and mother of my son I partnered with for almost 10 years, no extra affiars, cheating or lying…just grew apart. But my ex BPD has me hooked…always thought I was smart, well travelled, wise…avoided situations, enjoy sitting in a cafe in Rome (or Stockholm) with a bottle of wine watching the people and exploring, But this was a fucking nighmare. Escaped to Copenhagen with my son couple weekends ago…he instagramed shopping with Dad, staying at the Hilton…and she got it (did not know they instagram) now my son is blocked. Oh yes, her FB has over 800 photos of her posing, etc…she says she has so many followers. And she posts smart quotes…and if she has done her nails etc.

      Phew….now what, I miss her and treated her as an equal. But I guess was a fool. My stupidity.

  2. loominator said

    I have been in love with a guy like this, somehow it has all started to make sense now. My friends and family always warn me, they keep saying somethings up with him and he isn’t stable in the head. It has always been a toxic co-dependent relationship. Doesn’t take much to make him want to back out. He’ll say something and go and do the opposite. He also likes to believe he doesn’t need help, at one point I even got told that I am the one with issues! Everytime he confesses his feelings it just means he’s soon going to disappear, give me the silent treatment and block me out. So frustrating for the person on the receiving end of all this drama. The pain as you said in unimaginable, I still feel like it is my fault and I need to reach out to him. I do wish he would get help but I guess these people are in denial of how their behavior is affecting the other person. I feel your pain!

    • savorydish said

      Thank you for your compassion.

      It wouldn’t be so bad if disappearing was all they did. But they pull you in, they build you up and act like you are the light of their world. And then they flip out on you and wonder why you won’t leave them alone.

      The worst part of the abuse is feeling like it’s somehow your fault. Sadly, reaching out to them only makes these people run farther away from you. Your love and concern is what freaked him out in the first place. On some level he probably feels guilty, but he is suppressing those feelings. These are people who grew up in abusive environments, that is all they know.

      Take care of yourself and thank you for sharing your story.

      • Joan said

        This makes me so sad. I wasted 36 years of my life with a BPD husband. It’s almost too much to even think about.

    • savorydish said

      And yes, they always say you’re the one who’s crazy. My ex even recruited proxies to tell me I’m crazy. But does it make her any less crazy? No. These are people who can’t deal with the truth. And you are a convenient scapegoat. By calling you crazy they’re hoping to invalidate what is plain as day.

      • dps68 said

        It should be noted that borderlines DO tend to be attracted to similar types. Borderlines are NOT stupid. Usually, they are above average intelligence. I concluded that mt ex was borderline after extensive research into the subject from her choice of employment, verbal exchanges, life history, etc… Yes, they are ill but, if our relationship did one thing for me personally it was to make me look deeply at myself. My own issues. I think you’ll find that there are some shocking discoveries to be made here. It is highly unlikely that your relationship would have endured for so long and at such a troubled pace if you were issue-free. xxx

      • savorydish said

        DPS,
        I don’t think anybody here would say they are issue free. But it’s all relative. I have my own issues. But they pale in comparison to someone like the borderline women I have involved myself with. Some scientists would say we all have a little BPD in us. But we are talking about people who have been severely traumatized. My last relationship actually seemed like it was the healthiest relationship I had (in the beginning), but it turned out later she was just better at hiding her issues. She was a con artist. But I now have taken responsibility for picking out telltale signs. The info here is meant to remind me and others what those signs are. But yes, to avoid this happening again, we all have to work on our own issues as well.

  3. loominator said

    Thanks for explaining his behavior! Its nice to know I’m not the only one who has to go through this. There have been times when he’d tell me how I’m everything he ever wanted and within a week he’s changed the tone and said I’m the one who is being clingy and should move on! He even went on and lied to me that he was with someone else when he wasn’t, then he’s come back and told me that no one has ever been as nice to him as I have. It is quite funny how one week he wants me to never give up on him yet the next he’ll say I’m being too emotional and should move on because he is messed up.

    The past few months he’s put me on ignore yet added me back on facebook but still won’t say a word! You are right, if these people just disappeared life would be much better but they don’t just disappear, they make sure they’ve got a wire wrapped around your neck so they can yank onto it whenever they feel like.

    Your ex sounds very similar to him. I’ve lied to myself saying he’s just being a guy but he’s been showing signs of BPD since I met him. I also got told that all I ever do is find negative faults in him when I suggested he needs to seek help. I get it that his life has been very hard and very different but how much patience can you really show? Have you tried to move on and then feel overcome with guilt like you shouldn’t give up on them? or you move on and these people just decide to pop back into your life?!

    I wish these people took responsibility for their actions. I don’t think any of my friends or family really get it, its so much easier for people to tell you to move on, you never know how hard it is until you are involved with someone like this.

    You’d think a person would be happy to have someone in their life who loves them, I don’t understand the mentality of someone who constantly wants to sabotage and destroy love. It is probably obsession on their part than ours, I mean making an effort to play these dramatic games and suck you in does require dedication!

    • savorydish said

      A borderline wants nothing more than control. It’s the only thing that eases their insecurities and fears. Until he seeks treatment, never believe he is pulling you back because he loves you. Believe me, I know how hard it is to quit the yo yo game. But you are much better off without him. And waiting for him to let you back in his life is only prolonging the abuse.

      You will get over him over time. But first you have to see him for who he really is. And not what you remember him to be. Take the time to learn about his illness. Be willing to look at his darkside. This will help you detach.

      The point of learning about BPD, is not to better understand him. The point is to realize how screwed up he is. Once you do this, you will wonder why you ever went back to him.

      • dps68 said

        Just out of curiosity my friends. Recall your past relationships for a second. Prior to the BP one. I’m personally willing to guess that they were similar. As easily as a borderline can deny the truth is as easily as you can too. Stop and think back. Is this really the first relationship like this or were there a number? And if your past relationships were “normal” why did they all end?

        As painful as this might turn out to be for you after however long it has been since YOU “blacked” your ex partner (possibly without medical evidence to prove anything), a careful retracing of your steps, throughout the course of those relationship might hurt a bit. Why? Well, because I suspect, after having gone through this ordeal myself, that you’ll recognise something deeply uncomfortable about YOU too.

        The Borderline isn’t evil; just poorly. And for every inch of pain you suffered so did he/she…

    • savorydish said

      “There have been times when he’d tell me how I’m everything he ever wanted”
      Realize that this is why you keep going back to him and why he has you on a string. You have become dependent on his validation and idealization of you. He flatters your ego. This is why it is so hard to let go. This is not a relationship, it’s an addiction. Like a drug, we are always chasing that initial high. But eventually the damaging effects catch up with us. Part of the process of healing is becoming your own source of validation. This is crucial for your well-being because he is now in an abusive stage and you are in a very vulnerable one.

      The borderline doesn’t mean to play games. But they too are being pushed and pulled. They long for intimacy but fear abandonment. In reality, they are not looking for intimacy, they are looking for the constant high of a new love. No person can supply this. Sooner or later the honeymoon has to end.

      When he tells you to move on because he’s messed up, he’s looking out for himself, not you. Never ever think he is looking out for your best interest. He’s not. When we are talking about borderlines, we are talking about selfish lovers. You have become too close for comfort and it is freaking him out. You have achieved too much intimacy. Realize that you can never go back to the way it was because of this fact. I know you think he is having second thoughts, but he is only buying time. He is using you until he finds a replacement.

      You obviously have a lot of love to give, otherwise he wouldn’t have gotten involved with you. But your love is being wasted on a person who can’t appreciate you or your love. This will sound cheesy, but give that love to yourself. Once you can do that, you won’t need him or anyone else. Real love is about wanting, not needing.

      You deserve better.

      That man has left a void inside of you. And you are chasing him to fill it. But you have to accept that he is already out the door. He’s right. He is messed up. A messed up person is incapable of loving another person. What you thought was love was an illusion.

      • Emily said

        “When he tells you to move on because he’s messed up, he’s looking out for himself, not you. Never ever think he is looking out for your best interest. He’s not. When we are talking about borderlines, we are talking about selfish lovers. You have become too close for comfort and it is freaking him out.”

        You are right…and I can’t speak for the man but I too have told one man that I was too hopelessly sick to be with him. It was true though. I was also doing it as an act of self-destruction. One less person at my funeral was my sick rationale in the heat of my rage. I saw him as being better off without me…well…he was of course. With that said I was so engrossed in my self-loathing I didn’t even think about how my words might be REALLY hurting him. In the aftermath, I felt such shame and regret about what I did to him that I wasn’t sure whether to vomit or faint.

        I still shake typing this out.

      • savorydish said

        Hey Emily,

        I thank you for your honesty and your insight. I hope you can reach out to this guy and maybe tell him what you told me.

      • Chris said

        I am a borderline male in my mid-thirties. It hurts to be portrayed as someone who’s intention is to hurt/suck the life out of someone we are in a relationship with. The push/pull is agonizing when I objectively see what I am doing (on a weekly basis) to the other person and the relationship. Part of my problem is…once the push/pull cycle begins, I – a) feel extremely defeated by the realization that once again I don’t have control over my behavior because despite my BEST efforts, I have allowed the ever-damning cycle to begin in a new relationship….. And b) I feel extremely guilty when I hear from my partner the agony that these push/pulls cause them. To think that this is somehow all fun and games for us, is 180 degrees inaccurate.

        From the point that I start a new relationship, stress/agony begins of the fear of being rejected. Why, because that person has just become the center of my universe in every way, shape and form. The relationships in the beginning are usually wonderful because I put SO much effort into making it wonderful. And just like the other person’s “high” in the beginning, I am also high (probably to a much greator degree than that other person). The attention to/and significance of that person in my life does not change once the push/pull begins. My partner is still the center of my universe, but the dysfunction of my behavior, thoughts, and emotions becomes apparent. BPD is a dysfunction. My drive is not to be callous. It is very agonizing, because that is just how my behavior/reactions are perceived by the other – as callous.

        As is probably the case with most BPD’s, part of my “push away” is to try and get that person to realize how toxic a relationship with me truly is in the long run, (again – despite my best efforts). I want for that person to have a fulfilling life and not to have felt if/when it is all over that they have wasted a part of their life away. But always in the end, the pain and destruction I have caused that person seems to supersede any joy or fulfillment our relationship has brought them.

        There is a tremendous amount of guilt that goes along with being in a new relationship with someone. Because, learning from past relationships, I always seem to do more harm than good. There are many reasons for pushing away, but that particular trigger/reason, the guilt, is derived from me wanting the best for that person, and realizing, yet again, that I am apparently only able to provide the opposite.

        It is understandable for those that have been burned by a person with BPD in general. But when doing so, just try and be open to the idea that they are suffering a great deal as well.

        Savory dish, I can assure you that your BPD girlfriend thought the world of you, even or especially during the bad times. And, you will always have a place in her heart/world. It’s 2013, so I am sure you have moved on from her long ago, but don’t think she doesn’t still regard you as having been a significant part of our life. Remember that people with BPD are highly sensitive and highly emotional. In many respects, that is the opposite of cold, despite some of our behaviors coming across as cold.

      • savorydish said

        Thanks for the comforting words, Chris. I hope you are right about her. But as hyper-sensitive as she was, she also had moments where she could go cold as ice.

    • Cece leox said

      I am a borderline. Try living the terror she feels every second she is alive – try it for one second, try it for a day, try it for a lifetime…. you couldn’t do it.

    • Kris said

      Sister did we date the same man? My God, I thought I was reading a page out of my diary.

    • Ntj said

      This identifies my situation word for word..so happy not to be alone.

  4. Anne Onymous said

    You say they don’t mean to play games… my ex-weirdfriend’s actions seemed carefully thought out and at one time he said to me that, in contrast to a difficult person we knew, “I’m not into those games – well I am but you guys don’t realise I’m playing.” This is what made me think he’s antisocial or at least cynical. After a while his headgames became relentless though, and I’m not sure anyone lives that way out of cool-headed strategic choice. I think seeing it that way was a means of gaining control over *himself*. Or maybe he is that cold and just walked away because he wasn’t winning. But his exit strategy sure looked borderline to me.

    • savorydish said

      Let me clarify. The games they play are not the result of a borderline sitting in a dark room plotting how to screw someone over. That would be giving them too much credit. Borderlines that are out of control are operating on a purely primitive level. For instance, my ex loved to make me jealous if she felt rejected. But I believe it was instinctual for her, a knee jerk reaction. It was behavior she had learned from her parents and she was merely re-enacting the past. It wasn’t a plot, it was behavior that is hardwired into her system.
      Just as their lies and manipulations are survival instincts, a means to avoid internal pain(theirs not yours).

      • dps68 said

        I agree here Savorydish.

        However, as stated previously, these characters are usually above average intelligence though. And although I cannot be too disparaging, because I might just be deluding myself, and because I don’t wish to invalidate the times of warmth, the “proven” close proximity between borderline and psychopathy is mildly unnerving.

        I recall being asked by my ex: Do you love yourself? once. It meant nothing then but now… Also, when she told me that she always had an end game, that too went over my head; until after the cycle had ended….

        Even though I have stated already that like attracts like, which I believe to be true, I can’t help but think that at least some of the time actions are indeed premeditated. Which leaves one wondering what hell is going to happen next!

  5. Huxley said

    Everything written here seems to ring so true to my situation. I hate to think that other people have to
    put up with this hell too. I really wouldn’t wish such pain even on my worst enemy. It all began by
    meeting this girl through work. I knew straight away that she was unstable. She had a boyfriend at the
    time but pursued me regardless. Even after she relocated she kept in regular contact by email. Then
    after a while she asked if I’d like to go travelling with her which I agreed to. I fell in love with her
    during that time and the feeling seemed to be mutual. After returning however, she completely
    shut me out of her life. It was three months until I heard from her again during which time she had
    attempted suicide. A relationship then ensued and seemed to go amazingly well for two months. She
    was still taking anti-depressants but seemed to get better as time went on. Then two weeks ago, she
    called me and gave the wildest reasons as to why the relationship couldn’t continue. When I asked her
    why she was doing this, she replied ‘I don’t know!’ and gave no indication when she might ever contact
    me again. This was completely unexpected as only a week before we were planning our whole year together.
    It’s so hard to believe that such a seemingly perfect relationship could turn so abusive.
    I know she’s not an evil person deep down. Her life up to now has been terrible so I can’t really
    hold anything against her. It’s just hard to believe that none of her love was actually real.

    • savorydish said

      Thanks for sharing your story Huxley,
      Sadly a lot of people, like us, do put up with this type of abusive behavior. We do it because people like this are very good at seducing people into their drama. I’m sure, in hindsight, you can see the red flags. The first one being the fact that she pursued you even though she had a boyfriend. While this might have been flattering to you, it would have only been a matter of time when she would have done the same to you. Trust me, I’ve been on both ends of this game. Infidelity is a sign of person who has no self-esteem. They are desperate for attention.

      Her attempted suicide was a cry for help. This is a woman screaming for help. She is in a tremendous amount of pain. But the worst thing we can do is believe that we can help them. We can’t. Even most mental health professionals are ill-equipped to deal with someone who is this emotionally unstable.

      Seemingly Perfect describes all these relationships. These relationships are much like the high someone would get off a drug. But eventually there will always be a crash. It goes back to the saying- if it’s too good to be true, it probably is.

      • dps68 said

        Why did you allow yourself to be drawn into it Huxley? I’ll tell you, it was because of your own issues. The borderline saw these issues instantly! She was on a mission of validation. Sadly, your love meant not that much…

        And this is why borderline relations are so painful to get over.

  6. Greenbranch said

    Reading these posts is so eerie because they hold up a mirror image of our own experiences. Mine too. It’s very comforting to know there are so many people out there who have experienced the same pattern of mindless, logic-defying madness that ultimately makes us question our own sanity. It’s also alarming that this disorder presents itself in such a consistent pattern, is so widespread and yet is something most of us will never have even heard of until it was too late.

    I have no empirical proof that my ex-girlfriend of 18 months has BPD but by coincidence we share the same doctor and he told me that she was probably borderline and to stay away from her and never resume contact. This, of course, was unethical and a flagrant breach of patient confidentiality. But I was so emotionally spent at the time of the breakup – utterly bewildered and crushed that she could declare undying a few days before Christmas and then react to me taking an Xmas vacation with my children by cutting the relationship and expunging me from her life when we returned – that I think now he saw it as the lesser of two evils.

    Certainly his tip-off has helped me enormously. Reading up about BPD and hearing the stories of others has given me great reassurance and comfort and been empowering too. I know the hellish hurt, the shock, the numbing pain and feeling of loss. Like a death. The frustration and torment of having them in your mind 24/7. People say just think of something else; if only it were that easy…

    It’s been two and a bit months now and I still think about her all the time. But slowly I’m understanding and accepting the extent of her disorder and the impossibility of my ever making sense of her decision to excise the one love and stable force in her life. Because as you say, savorydish, there is no logic. And it’s ALL about control and fulfilment of their own needs. I’m starting to accept that I could never, ever mend her and that no one else will until she has been through therapy (which I suspect she will not persist with anyway because it’s just too painful and she is only ever one cross word or unwelcome suggestion away from bailing out of ANY relationship, including therapist-patient).

    I’m in my mid-40s, a level-headed kind of guy with a good job, two teenage kids and a great family. Never before have I been involved in anything so messed up. Simply put, it was a breakup I thought I would not survive. But it DOES get easier, slowly, over time, by small increments. Believe that it will. Because it does.

    • savorydish said

      Thank you Greenbach for your story and your comforting words. You’re right about it getting better. There are times when I miss the good times that we had, but maintaining this blog always reminds me of the downside. The people who tell you to “think of something else” have their hearts in the right place, but they just don’t understand. This is why it is important for us to spread awareness. Every time I hear someone give out the advice to “move on” or “let go”, I immediately think they just don’t get it. There is a general ignorance when it comes to BPD. Even amongst the college-educated. They don’t get it, because they assume that it’s a normal relationship. When it is anything but normal.

      All we can do is keep telling our stories, and hope the rest of the world catches on. Your ex, like my ex, are still in denial. But that’s only because society allows them to move from one victim to another, without any accountability for their destructive behavior. But with awareness will come accountability. When they can no longer fly under the radar, they will be forced to acknowledge their disorder. Thanks again and best of luck in the future.

      SD

      • keith said

        I’m reading this and I feel compelled to share my story. My ex-girlfriend of 4 years had similar behavior. And now – nearly one year removed from the relationship I still struggle to try and understand things – and I still miss her. She disappeared multiple times with other men (of course they never lasted), and she continues on denying anything is wrong with her and pointing the finger at me – that I’m the crazy one (we still communicate every so often). Her father left her as a child, (he was bipolar), and she’s super smart. And yes every once in a while she reaches out sending me a text photo of herself or calling me in a moment of helplessness – but she doesn’t really care about me or my well being. She’s a selfish person and an even more selfish lover and it’s hard to understand why I have put up with all of her lies. The saddest part is her refusal to get help. I’m dating someone super nice now and when you see the difference its eye-opening. 4 years wasted taking care of a child who was so madly in love with me at the beginning the thought of me leaving would lead her to suicidal thoughts. My how times have changed!

  7. […] This title was posted a while back but it’s still receiving a lot of traffic and some new and insightful comments. Here are the comments, but if you want to read the original post just click here. […]

  8. Heart of Stone said

    For me the control that this girl was trying to exert on me became completely unacceptable. There were many irrational actions before this that would have been reason enough to leave her where I found her, but I put up with a lot of it because I really cared for the person that I originally met. She threatened to leave many times but finally she pulled the nuclear option over me getting together with my friends and I just let her go and cut her out of my life without even a reply. Sometimes it is hard to tell if someone is in love with you or just drowning; both will cling to you just as tightly. She was ready to have children like yesterday because she believed that having children would be healing (God help these children), but she pulled the ‘I think I might be pregnant’ ruse the day before and that really woke me up to reality; I realized what a living hell my life would become if I were to be bound to this woman in any permanent way and I knew that I had to get out. The really scary thing is that this woman is a psychotherapist, and I’ve witnessed her have a complete psychotic break at least once. These people aren’t evil, but they aren’t very nice and not worth expending any energy on, particularly after you have walked away. Life is too short to spend time dealing with controlling people, completely absent of healthy emotional boundaries.

    • savorydish said

      Not only do they seek to control you, they also project and falsely accuse you of controlling them. I remember my ex getting angry, because I suggested it was too dark for her to walk outside alone. She accused me of being controlling. Sure enough, the very next day she was mugged and accused me of not being there for her.

  9. Chris said

    I have recently been there. I started to write this post twice about my experience but it started to turn into a book. My X also had been raped in her early twenties. I did not learn about it until a year into our relationship. She really played it down but I wonder just how much it affected her. Keep in mind this is someone I had known for 23 years and we dated in high school. She recently came back into my life.

    Just some advice to anyone. Just run. It will zap your soul and drive you insane. A borderline works on an entirely different level of logic. They are not caring and they do not know how to love. You are only as good as your last conversation with them. They will tell you they have loved you all their lives and the next day you are the worse person for them.

    When you leave them they will date your friends, ruin relationships with mutual friends, and tell lies to their new boyfriends about you. When you react to their inanity they will threaten you with restraining orders. Then they will come back to you. They will play vulnerable and seductive to get you back, and if you have any co-dependent tendencies you will take them back. Once they have you back they will tell you just how much they love you. They are smart, funny, charming and the good times are awesome and at those times you will love them and think perhaps it is someone you want to spend the rest of your life with.

    Get it in your head right now. There is no fixing them and it will not get better no matter how much of a white knight you are. Leave them and don’t look back. Get off facebook and break all contact until you feel strong. Do not respond to them and don’t even piss on them if they are on fire. They will try everything to get you back into their lives to repeat the hurtful cycle over and over again.

    Case in point. In my last breakup with my BPD I caught her contacting men on craigslist for dates by reading her email. Our prior breakup resulted in her going after a guy I knew only to cheat on him with me. The remorse I got for reading her email and ending it was a call from the police threatening arrest for gaining access to her email. Three months later she starts contacting me again only to want to play I have a new guy game again. I refused to play. Two months after that she comes telling me the new great guy tried to strangle her. Me being the fool I get sucked in showing her compassion only to have her cycle of rejection and hurt start all over again. BTW…she got back together with the guy that tried to strangle her.

    If she thinks you are the crazy one let her think that way. Do not try to explain your feelings to them as they don’t look at things as a history. They only react to the way they feel now and they will never see your point of view. They may pretend to have remorse but they do not. They are so caught up in their image of self it has nothing to do with you.

    Save yourself and get out and forgive yourself for things you may have done or said during your time with your BPD. The fact you are here reading this means you are trying to make sense of things which already makes you a good person.

  10. […] are guilty of too much compassion. A commenter, Chris, tells his story in response to a post titled When Borderlines Cut You Out of Their Life: I have recently been there. I started to write this post twice about my experience but it started […]

  11. Zan said

    All of these stories resonate with me. I never dated this BP, but we were best friends and I considered her to be my sister. It was a friendship of nearly seven years. I had helped her through a lot of her childhood abuse issues and I thought she was getting better. But over the last five months of the friendship I began to notice another side of her and began to suspect that she was lying to me about some self-destructive behavior. I finally caught her in the lies but instead of admitting it, she split black on me. She refused to speak to me and after several weeks of the silent treatment she sent a letter telling me to never contact her again. It’s been three months and I am still reeling, although I know how sick she is. I feel like a fool for not seeing it before. I don’t see a lot of people writing about their best friends wi BP turning on them. I was hoping to be pointed in a direction for finding some help to recover. Thanks in advance.

    • savorydish said

      Hey Zan,
      Sorry to hear about your loss. I’ve also lost a long-time friend I now suspect was borderline. He was a childhood friend. When we were young things seemed so simple. But as he grew older, things got complicated. When he told his family he was gay, they initially took it very hard. I think that fucked him up pretty bad. He is much more reluctant to trust people and very hostile. So much so that I’ve had to let go of that friendship. It was easy to let go because it was a gradual distancing. I wish him the best, but I can’t be around for the drama. So I can only imagine what you are going through. I would start with the BPD forums. If you post a message, I’m pretty sure someone can relate. There was a gal who commented here a month ago who lost a BP friend. I’ll post your comment and see if she responds.

      • savorydish said

        I know what it’s like to feel like the fool. It sounds like you did see it. We all did. But she made you feel wanted and that is a powerful drug. That is an addiction that is hard to break. And like an addict you lie to yourself to keep the “drug” coming. But eventually the lies become too much. Most likely she was overcome with shame and the only way she could handle it was to shut you out. It’s hard not to take it personally especially when they split you black and cut you out cold turkey. This blog is evidence that you are not alone. It does get better though. I no longer miss my ex even though I am still saddened by the way it all ended and angry at the way she treated me. I am still recovering. It takes a long time to detox. Writing has helped me a lot. And hearing stories like yours also helps. Best of luck.

  12. savorydish said

    KSG asked:

    Like so many responses that I read, I too feel preoccupied and obsessed with a person that I know is sick. I find myself constantly ruminating and re-playing the sudden irrational breakup–and our entire year long relationship. Could someone help me understand why?

    Let me ask you this- if a UFO landed in your back yard, would you forget about it after a year? No, of course not. When you are visited by a person who is foreign to everything you hold true, it turns your world upside down. Borderlines are much like aliens from another planet. The normal rules of relationships do not apply.

    You are a survivor of emotional abuse and co-dependent addiction. One does not just “get over it” or “move on”. Like someone who is addicted to drugs, you have to go through a recovery process. When you are in a relationship with a sick person, you too become sick. Furthermore, it is likely this was not your first dysfunctional relationship, which means your suffering has been compounded over time. So you have actually opened up old wounds from your past. All this takes a long time to heal.

    But know that you are not alone.

    Keep reading my friend. The answers to your question are here.

    • savorydish said

      @KSG
      I see that you are beating yourself up over this. Don’t let your inner voice invalidate what you feel. Don’t let others invalidate what you feel. What you feel is real. It is the normal and healthy reaction to being betrayed by someone you loved and trusted. The chances are you didn’t know the extent of his/her sickness till after the sudden break-up. This person probably put you up on a pedestal for a year and just recently pulled it out from under you. It is natural to want to make sense of that. Part of the process of healing is re-playing the relationship, like a football player watches footage of a game to figure out what went wrong.

      Read all you can about BPD. And write your feelings down. When a borderline makes a hasty exit, they often try to place the blame on you. Their denial is strongest when they abandon a lover. Writing will help you put things in perspective. Always remember who is the sick one. Write down all the ways your ex tormented you. Write about his/her sickness. Get it all out. If it takes a year, two years, do it. Eventually you will start to feel a release. The writing helps to let go and de-sensitize. Writing will allow you to hold the borderline responsible for their bad behavior even if they try to cover it up. It’s been a year now and I can honestly say I have no more feelings of longing for my ex. The writing has helped me see her for who she really is. The fog has lifted and I can see clearly now.

      Whether or not your ex is sick, he/she is still responsible for causing you pain. You have every right to be angry at him/her. Allow yourself to feel this anger. Do not suppress it or the stored up rage will explode at a later date. Being sick is not a get out of jail free card. Betrayal is betrayal. Mental illness does not mitigate this. BPD is not an excuse. It’s an explanation. Your ex owes you an apology. The decent thing for him/her to do is to own up to what he/she has done. And if he/she won’t own up, write them a reminder of what he/she has done to you. Whatever you do, do not let it slide. You will regret it. Let them live with the guilt of what they have done.

      • hagiophile said

        @KSG

        As I posted above, although I was never in a “relationship” with my BPD, she was like my sister and for months I did exactly what you described – going over and over it in my head trying to make sense of the way she just split me to black. I still tend to do that, although it is so much better now. Everything @savorydish says is true. I’ll share a few of my “recovery techniques” – they really help me.

        1. I spoke to a couple of psychologist friends of mine and did my best to objectively describe the friendship and how it ended and ask for their opinion. They both said without hesitation, “She is a classic borderline.” I keep going back to this when I start having doubts or feeling down – two separate professionals agree she is sick.

        2. I’ve bookmarked this post and a number of other articles on BPD and go back and read them occasionally to remind myself that I am not the sick one, she is. It never stops amazing me how all of the descriptions are almost exactly the same.

        3. I have a couple of friends who know and love me and knew about the friendship and its dissolution. They are kind enough to call me and check on me and remind me that I am not the sick one and I was manipulated and taken advantage of.

        All of these things get me “out of my head” and help me to get perspective on things. It still hurts and I still get angry, and that is normal, fine, and necessary, but I try not to get trapped in my own thoughts.

      • Buddy said

        I had a rocky 6 month relationship with what I now beleive to be a BP. She drank alot and takes adderall and downers. I always thought all our problems were because of this. I loved her and still do I guess. she cherated on me and we broke up for several months. She showed up at my door this past News Years Eve. I took her back and saw a few great weeks together and we thought we were on new footing. We got married this past January 26 after only a few weeks of being back together and even those few weeks saw some bad times. I blame myself. I thought that being married was the anser. That living under the same roof would solve our problems as then I only saw it as drinking and drugging. After like two weeks she started to become cold and distant. when I confronted her in a calm and rational way about how she was drinking again I told her I wasn’t happy like this. She ran with that and threw me out the next day and never gave me a conversation about it. this weas 48 hours after she was lying in my arms telling me I was her soulmate and we were trying to get pregnant. This was after only 60 days of marriage. I had no contact for several weeks after that until finally I needed answers. I find her and she tells me that she was pregnant with our baby and had a miscarriage but the baby was alive when they aborted. She tells me she would have aborted anyway. this has rocked my world as she has never shown any emotion at all. Once she told me to get out it was strictly business and there was no talking to her. The signs were all there and I didn’t do my homework. I loved the girl i married. Still do and miss her so much. Her childhoow was riddled with bad behaviour. She was a runaway kid and went to reform school for it. She was in foster homes and molested by adults. There have been drug issues since her teens. To meet her you would think she is the most normal, well spoken girl in the world. I must be the crazy on because she is all I think about and I want back the girl I fell in love with. This site has helped me tremendously.

      • Salter Giddens said

        @Buddy…

        You’re not the “crazy” one…I completely understand how difficult it is for you to feel that–but I will say it again, and almost everyone who finds their way to these posts would say to you–that you are not the “crazy” one.
        Keep reading the stories, comments, and the links to information on this website–you’ll continue to learn about and unravel the complex nature of the relationship you have been consumed by–it does help.
        I’m sorry Buddy, I know how much it hurts.

  13. KSG said

    @hagiophile

    Thanks for your response…all of your suggestions are helpful and I will make use of them.

    Did you feel like the crazy one–the one in the wrong…always? Did you intellectually know you were not wrong/crazy/at fault but just could not emotionally connect with what intellectually you knew? That’s where I am. I know one thing, I feel another. And guilt, I feel such guilt…for what I didn’t see, didn’t understand, didn’t know.

    It’s all so confusing, heartbreaking and painful–still, almost 5 months later.

    • dps68 said

      I’m still trying to figure out what the hell happened after 7-weeks. Was it my fault? I ask. Am I the borderline? Really confusing. I wrote down as many “incidents” as I could. It helped.

      Just accept that you may have tangoed too, and that you may have been less than kind in response at times, but also remember those red flags! Avoid them in future if you can….

  14. KSG said

    @savorydish

    Thanks for your responses–very appreciated.

    You’re right, I am beating myself up–constantly and for just about everything. For missing him still–almost 5 months later. For what I didn’t see, didn’t understand, didn’t say–and for what I did say when we were together. For not helping him, for hurting him–when it was the last thing I wanted or meant to do. For longing for him, thinking about him constantly and obsessing over him and what he’s doing and how he is. For loving him still–despite the rage and abuse he has thrown at me. I beat myself up for ignoring what I knew were borderline traits early on. I beat myself up for doing this to myself. And you’re right…this is not my first dysfunctional relationship–I feel ridiculous that I have not learned enough to have avoided this painful mess–and it is a mess. I want to share my story here, but honestly, it is such a dark and ridiculous year long story that I’m honestly embarrassed to admit all that I rationalized and excused.

    For now, I’m just trying to find a way to gain perspective and quiet the ruminations–and find some peace. Finally allowing myself to admit that my ex is a BP–and what I have read here–has been helpful and offered some relief–but it’s also heartbreaking…because it means that my relief comes with the understanding that the man that I love is so very broken, lost and ultimately living in fear and with such lonely pain…I don’t know how to feel better about that. I can’t get perspective no matter how hard I try…I leel so lost in it all.

    • savorydish said

      You’re welcome. Give yourself the gift of forgiveness. And the gift of time. Time doesn’t heal all wounds, but it will give you some breathing room. Right now you are neck-deep in borderline drama. Take some time to process it. Write, write, write. Write obsessively, whenever you feel angry, hurt or guilty. Perspective comes with time. As you read more, you will feel less lost. As you write more, it will help you make sense of it all. You can’t change the past. But you can change the future.

      Realize that nobody here is a saint. We’ve all done things we regret. BPD brings out the worst in us (this includes partners of borderlines). This kind of relationship makes everyone involved crazy.

      Don’t feel stupid for missing him. You are human. You fell in love with another human being. Of course, you still miss him. Just because he’s borderline, it doesn’t mean you will love him any less. Realize that part of the reason you fell for him was the fact that he was damaged. Recognize that pattern and never repeat it.

      Realize you are still in the fog of a BPD relationship. You still see him through rose-colored glasses. Now is the time to remember all the horrible things he did to you. Only when you are able to see him for who he really is will you be able to detach from the co-dependent bond.

      ps- Sharing your story always helps. Don’t worry about how dark it is or how ridiculous it may seem to you. Such is BPD. You will be surprised how many of us share the same story. Best of luck.

      • dps68 said

        My borderline didn’t “do” horrible things to me. It was all psychological… Just as damaging!

  15. @KSG

    You know I never felt guilt, I knew I was not the guilty one. I was just so confused, and I obsessed over it. WHY? WHY? Why would my best friend, someone I consider as close as a sister lie to me for months, then cut me out of her life and blame and accuse me? There was pain (it was like she tore open my heart and crapped in it) but it was mostly mental confusion – it did not make sense. But as I began to get perspective and realize (and admit) that she was borderline, my reason was able to override my emotions. It took awhile, but it got better. I had to keep relying on outside sources to “remind” me that I was not the crazy one. There was lots of anger too, since I knew I would not treat my worst enemy the way she treated me. But once again – I am not the sick one. That is the problem, you are thinking like a “non” and all that will do is cause turmoil trying to understand why a BPD splits you to black. Just keep focusing on your intellect, it will override you emotions one day. Get perspective on it all.

    Overall, I felt like a fool – that I had been had for so many years. She had mirrored me and although I had hints, I chose to ignore them. I am pretty prideful, so I don’t like being made to look like a fool, but that is exactly why happened. I’ve grown in humility fortunately.

    It’s been three months for me, it has been a long journey and I have my moments – but I promise it gets better. You just have to detox and keep reminding yourself that you are not crazy.

    Just in case you are interested, this article was very helpful to me:
    http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/enlightened-living/200906/blackwhite-interpersonal-relationships-and-borderline-behavior

    • savorydish said

      thanks for the article.

    • Tella said

      My former best friend has turned into a total stranger and has started treating me like a freak. She literally runs away from me when she spots me. Its totally heart breaking. But it upsets me so bad because she acts like shes scared of me. but there is nothing to be scared about so how to I start to get her to understand that she needs to get a grip?? Seriously.

      • Zan said

        @Tella – The sad reality is that you can’t make her understand that she needs to get a grip. Trying to do so will almost certainly make it worst. Last week marked 9 months that my ex-best friend spilt me black, and it has been rough going. Although things are much better now, there is a still part of me that wants to tell her to “get a grip” (however there is a bigger part of me that wants to tell her to go f herself). Sorry it hurts so much and is so confusing, but trying to talk to her will only make it worse.

      • tella said

        Thank you Zan, So sorry for your drama. I have one more question? Ok so she has spit my black. Has gone silent, and refuses to talk to me. on month 4. It does not help that we live 5 minutes away from each other because I see her all the time. UCK! Are borderlines jealous of their ex friends? and would they try to make them jealous?? I have lost most of our mutual friends because of her lies, of they are the ones who believed them. But she is a VERY good manipulator anyway, I started dating someone then she started dating someone then She starts telling her few friends that she adores them and loves them?? Is that just to be cruel to me or get my attention?? DO they mirror you? She so likes to play victim!! I need your opinion on what I should do?? Ignore her being mean & tell her to F off? LOL which is so not me but this is ridiculous! Or should show compassion and be happy for her?? ANd what is she trying to tell me?? I hate you and have moved on to better friends??? or you hurt me and now you must pay??

      • Zan said

        @Tella – Here is the crucial thing to never forget: Borderlines are capable of loving only one thing in their lives – themselves. Everything they do is to assuage the shame they feel about who they are. Everything. Are they jealous of their ex-friends? From what I understand, once you are split black permanently, you are absolutely dead to them. Remember, they do not feel and process emotions like you do. Think of the pain you are feeling – a normal person would never do that to someone they love, it would tear them apart. The only way she can cope is by not feeling and getting others to hate you by telling lies. To a great degree my ex-BPD friend did the same to me, although she couldn’t lie to others too much, because she knew I knew her dirty little secret that she was and is still trying to hide. Here’s my advice – quit trying to care about why she is doing the things she is doing and stop trying to figure it out. It will only drive you nuts – I’ve been there. You have to ignore her – if you show her even the least bit of attention she can leverage it against you. Don’t hate her – these people are to be pitied, but whatever you do – stay away. I think to myself whenever I miss my friend or wonder what she is doing – why am I even giving a s*** about someone who never gave a s*** about me. If you let her back in, she’ll manipulate. She kicked you off of a sinking ship, rejoice. You are better off. Hopefully Savory can chime in – his insights are spot on. Next to Savory, I’ve found this ladies articles on BPD to be insightful and helpful:

        http://gettinbetter.com/articles.html

        Keep pressing on, and we’re always here to help and support.

  16. Zan said

    Another thing that really helped me find my bearings after I was split to black was music. There were a number of songs that really helped me to process my feelings, but no other song did as good of a job as this one by Tom Petty:

    This will always be her “theme song.”

    I can suggest a few other similar songs if you are interested.

    • savorydish said

      Great pick. Keep’em comin’.

      • Myko said

        I worked with this girl and she had just broken up with her boyfriend which I knew, she had gotten back with him a few times and would always say that’s it I’m done with boyfriends… She confided in me one day that she had a miscarriage from him .. So we talked .. and talked over a week .. Then one day she ask me if I had a girlfriend… I didn’t .. So we started to see one another for about 5 months..
        She was doing drugs with these friends of her’s and drinkin.. Then the drugs started to get hardcore.. Herion.. Shooting coke .. She od a few times.. and was taken to the hospital .. Then into the fourth month of the relationship .. There was a car accident with her two friends and she sought treatment.. She had to by her parents request or get out of the house.. I helped her find the treatment facility.. and stuck with her thru the 3 months of out patient treatment.. 1 1/2 months into her treatment she tell me she needs to talk to me .. and tells me her therapist planted a seed in her mind by telling her that we have been seeing each other to much practically every day or every other day.. She’s becoming to depentened on me .. So I didn’t like it .. But I agreed… Her response.. This was ur easy out .. You could have just told me.
        It’s been all down hill ever since.. Numerous times I’ve been told by her .. I dint want any sexual relationships of any kind .. I would like to be friends…this from a girl who told me … Your amazing, I’m so luck to have you ..I love you..I must have done something right to have you in my life.. Would constantly send me lyrics to songs that reminded her of me.. Wrote me a 5 page list of .. If you only knew.. Things that she adored about me.. Put me on a high .. All I ever thought about was her.. Tried to be friends with her stayed in contact as one sided as it was .. Then she stopes calling me and would take days to return text messages.
        She relapsed and started using hardcore drugs again and met this convicted felon and got tossed out of her house and moved in with him and his mom.. Started texting me again and asked for money to help her get by.. I refused nowing all to well that the money would go for drugs. Got into a verbal text war with her on and on.. no contact for about a month .. Then I receive an e- mail a day after the new year… I’m having a baby..my response was and.. She responds .. I’m so excited just letting everyone kno… her parents don’t kno.. her friends don’t kno.. Which are only very few friends that she has.. Only one of them is a female..she doesn’t like females.. All the other friends are ex boyfriends that she has put into a friend zone.. Then at the very end of that message.. I get .. Thought of you last night.. meaning new years eve.. that was when we first started going out.
        Haven’t heard from her in well over a month, don’t plan on contacting her or responding to any contact from her.. Seeing as how I’ve been split black a while ago now she’s just trying to torture me and play on my emotional feelings I had for her.
        Now I finally realize what she always meant by saying .. I don’t do feelings.. I hate feelings.. They complicate everything they suck.
        She once said a smell a sound a person or situation can create feelings.. I didn’t understand this back then .. I was to much in love with her and at the same time trying to help her stay clean.
        Now she’s living with this ex- con, who does odd jobs with his mom.. has lost her car ,phone and is trying to make me believe she’s pregnant and starting a new family.
        These people are mentally sick and can’t help it or can’t realize the ramifications of there actions.. No logic.
        She tried to keep me on the side as a friend .. Enabler.. While she was working on a relationship with this guy .. Even lied about his name so if I was hanging with her his name wouldn’t pop up on her phone.

  17. […] This Tom Petty video sent to me courtesy of Zan. He’s choosing it as the theme song for his ex-borderline friend. Song writers are so good at capturing the essence of a BPD relationship, it makes me wonder why creative types are so susceptible to borderline charms. Creativity is a healthy way to express pain. […]

    • HA! I am a professional artist myself! I believe it is because we are so open and genuinely want to see and believe that there is good in all people. I still believe in real love and have empathy for the man that put me through this. Art and music help me release pain and frustration so on a daily basis I am allowed to heal and accept this situation and not internalize it. THANK GOD!

  18. Leanna said

    Hi. I know nobody has posted on this thread in a while but I was hoping I could get some feedback. We are both 18 in this situation

    My friend never told me if she was diagnosed with BD, but I suspect she is.

    She went through a horrible incident in july which triggered her to attempt suicide. I was the one she told and I called the ambulance for her and I was there for her through everything. She told me she was diagnosed as being severely depressed. After she came out of the clinic everything seemed fine for a month or so. She seemed to be herself and we hung out constantly. I am the only one she told about the incident and the suicide, none of our other friends know. We were extremely, extremely close.

    Then about 2 weeks ago she ignored me for about 3 days. Then went back to normal. Then starting last week she COMPLETELY froze me out. In person you would think that I was some random person trying to talk to her. She is completely ignoring me. For literally no reason.

    Does this sound like a borderline personality?

    • savorydish said

      Hey Leanna,
      She does sound like a borderline. If she froze you out, it is a sign that she is afraid of the intimate bond that you two had. A borderline rejects you before you can reject them. You know too much and she feels vulnerable. So the only way for her to deal is to lock you out and become emotionally distant.

    • Zan said

      Leanna,

      I’m no psychotherapist, and I can’t diagnose – but there is SOMETHING going on there. Normal people just don’t shut people they love out of their lives.

      I’d be curious to know if she was ever sexually abused and what her family of origins is like. Does she have a history of self-mutilation? These things can often act as the genesis of BPD.

      You may never know if it is BPD, but you know enough to stay away. I was split black by my BPD best friend earlier this year, and I am still processing the pain. I feel like a fool at times for not seeing it. But the thing that I have taken away from it, is that I am hyper-aware of being emotionally manipulated by others. I am on my guard to never let it happen again. Hopefully your experience, as painful as it is, might help you to become more aware of this too.

      So sorry that you’ve had to endure this. I know it does not deal with your situation exactly, but this article might help you understand her behavior a bit better:

      http://organizationalchangesolutions.wordpress.com/2011/03/11/deception-and-the-borderline-personality-what-could-have-been/

  19. rlm4136 said

    Great article with poignant truth from a lived experienced and so true to life for what so many partners and families experience in the maze of borderline behaviors….

  20. […] Readers frequently ask why borderlines inexplicably shut loved ones out of their life. They are particularly confused when they did nothing to cause such a fearful reaction. In fact, many of these kind souls tried to help and support the borderline despite the never-ending drama. But their kind nature is exactly why the borderline has shut them out and (in many cases) turned on them. It doesn’t make sense because that is the nature of PDs. They defy logic. If you were to ask borderlines, themselves, they might also wonder why they behave this way. The following was a confession by a borderline who was struck with the fear that she might be discovered: Hi All, I think I am selfish. My BPD is underlined by some selfishness. Do you have similar feelings? […]

  21. dps68 said

    Have you recently met someone online (for example) who is just TOO good to be true? Have you been placed upon a pedestal so high that you feel that only death can occur by falling? Told how amazing you are 24/7? Relentless tales about a troubled past? Failed relationships and how badly they were treated or of inordinate personal trial or tragedy? Potentially serious physical ailments? How they hate their cruel mother? Talk of marriage and settling down within weeks? Incredible sex! Marathon phone calls? Constant interaction? Been convinced that you’ll share a life together because he/she drummed the notion into your brain? Did they somehow convince you that only YOU could save them from further strive? If you’re nodding your head, this is known as IDEALIZATION. It WILL NOT last and could mean that you are being “groomed” by an individual suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder…

    http://thegoodnarcissist.wordpress.com/

    • Mike said

      Oh dear God this happened to me EXACTLY. Now I’ve been ‘split-black’ and shut out after almost two years. I will relate my story on this forum soon enough.

      • leonard said

        hi mike my names len im 45 years old i would just like to share with you my story i was with a girl called stephanie 27 yerars old and i fell in love with her at 1st it was great i was going through whats known as the idealization stage of the relationship then i started to get pushed away and i have recently been dumped and i think that she is seeing another guy already what has tore me apart mike is the fact that i put everything into the relationship and bent over backwards from day 1 for this girl who i totaly adored and worshiped to make matters worse we lost our child she had a miscarriage at 9 weeks.she kept finding fault in everything i done and being around her was like walking on egg shells a lot of the time.it’s torn me apart emmontianly and mentaly did she ever love me? im left picking up the pieces and shell shocked but i will get through as i have good people around me to help.my advice to anyone dating someone with bpd is steer clear. this mental disorder is very hard to treat and will cause emotional turmoil to anyone envolved. len

    • Kiwigal007 said

      Yep sure have! Sadly I do not think he was aware that he has BPD and after six years he runs off with someone else after he had told me he was not ready to settle down and commit just yet. He broke my heart and as much as I loved him, I knew that there was something terribly wrong. Guys and Girls I have been following this post for sometime now and it is refreshing to hear your stories of what you have been through and to know that I am not alone and do not need to suffer in silence as I was when I was with this man.

      Right now I am working on myself so I can enjoy my time as a single person, I cannot have another relationship due to the past hurt that I have been through and until that weans, I know then I am ready to meet someone who will love me and truly care about my well being. It is lonely at times and at times I miss that man who I thought was ‘the one’ but like so many of you have said, they are personally grooming you and making this whole relationship up and in time they will dispose of you just like a piece of rubbish that you no longer need,..

      Without question,this man (or man child) broke my heart and my trust in people. But one year on, I am getting there and taking time to work out what is best for me and what I want for my life. I spent six years being there for something that wasn’t really there and I know perhaps one day he may turn up on my doorstep.. I am not waiting for that but may I suggest to you all that you take care of YOU now, you are are what is important and a good book that I can recommend is Psychopath Free, written first hand from a person just like us who has suffered abuse, neglect, devaluing and discarding and all those things we have been through. It has helped me tremendously to get through all of this and I hope that in this book, it may help you all too.

      BIG HUGS to each of you from here. I nod my head alot through this blog relating on so many levels, so many ways to what you are all saying. Only for me, it is a male I have had been with not a female.

  22. maggy said

    Reading all of your stories is like seeing my life in front of my eyes right now…I’ve been in two borderline relationships, which actually makes me think now that there must be something wrong with me or maybe I’m somehow attracting those type of people. I don’t know.

    My first borderline relationship lasted for two years. It was a crazy emotional rollercoaster. One day everything was just perfect and the other day he was accusing me of infidelity and would start a huge argument for no reason. One day I would be idealized by him and the other day he would make me feel totally worthless. He would say that he loves me and wants to be with me forever and then suddenly cut me off from his life. It was painful, very painful. I didn’t know how to escape from it, so I moved out to another country. I had to leave him for good and that did help me in the beginning. I’ve managed to forget about him.

    I started my master’s degree and met a new guy after few months. Oh my God, after the first week of dating him I knew he was “the one”. I’ve never been in love like this before. He was perfect – funny, extremely intelligent, hard-working, very affectionate and passionate. We had exactly the same sense of humor, enjoyed the same things. I was extremely happy. It was all I needed after what I’ve been through with my ex.

    A month later he told me about his ex-girlfriend – that he still misses her and that we should have a break, because he needs to get his head straight. It was fair enough for me. I got hurt, but appreciated his honesty. Our separation didn’t last for long. Few days later he came back, saying that he wants us to be together. I was happy again. We scheduled our first trip and were seeing each other almost every day. There were times he was acting strange trying to push me away or blame me for his own mistakes. I started to think that he might be also a bpd person, just like my ex. Week before the trip he told me that he is not able to commit anymore and that it would be better for us to separate. He still insisted on going on that trip with me, however just as a friend. Obviously he couldn’t keep the distance and we got back together during that trip and then just after the trip had ended we broke up again.
    It’s been already two years now and nothing has changed. We spend a lot of time together, enjoy each others’ company, have loads of fun and travel a lot. However it is never stable. He is unbearable when he has his mood swings. He hurts me so bad by making me totally worthless, but he cannot leave me. He always comes back and he doesn’t want to let me go. I love him so much, so I always fall into his false promises. I believe him when he talks about marriage but then his dark side comes out and I wake up from my dream and then I become miserable again.

    I tried to talk to him many times about the therapy. He acknowledges that he has a problem, but he doesn’t want to treat it as it is not a physical pain so it doesn’t matter to him. Each time I tell him that I love him, he denies my feelings by saying that it is a lie or that he doesn’t want to hear about love as it doesn’t exist in his world. The weirdest thing is that I can see his love. In “healthy” periods he takes really good care of me and treats me extremely well showing a lot of affection. I feel like I’m the only one that matters for him. However, as I wrote before it never lasts..

    After two years of being with him and after another stupid fight about nothing I decided to contact his ex-girlfriend, who turned out to be the sweetest girl in the world. She told me her story. It was very similar to mine, however the only difference was that he did propose to her. She couldn’t however stand this emotional turmoil and rejected him. She couldn’t stand crying anymore and had to leave him. She made a right choice. She freed herself. However, I think that this made his condition even worse and now he has even bigger trust issues. That’s why he doesn’t want to acknowledge my feelings.

    He is moving to Australia in few months. We were supposed to go together, but then again after another stupid and pointless fight he decided that it is a bad idea and that he better goes alone. We are still seeing other. He still makes me feel like I mean something to him. And I still love him. I can’t imagine him disappearing from my life. I’m so hooked up…I cannot think clearly now. I wish I could help him, but I know I can’t and this terrifies me. He used to tell me that he will die before 35. He said that for him that’s enough and that he wants to die alone. I don’t want him to commit asuicide. He is so intelligent and so bright, he has an amazing career and I believe that his life could be just perfect if he let someone help him.

    I know that I should just leave him. I know I should let him go and that would be definitely the best thing for me. But I simply can’t. I think about him every day. I cry when he is not around and I’m so happy when he is with me. What should I do? I don’t know…I’m so sad right now.

    • savorydish said

      I feel your pain. But know this-

      You are falling into the co-dependent trap. YOU can not help him. He must seek help from a trained professional. Being emotionally damaged is a serious issue. Do not try to cover for him. He is an abusive personality PERIOD. Do NOT contact him, he will only play with your emotions. He will tell you what you want to hear.

      Read everything you can about his disease. See him for who he is. Not what you perceive him to be. You are stuck in the clouds. And what you need is a major dose of reality. That is how to detach yourself. Good luck.

      • savorydish said

        And yes, you ARE attracting people like this. I have too. The first step to not attracting people like this is to address your own issues. Take care of yourself and address your past. Learn all you can about his disease but include learning about yourself.

      • maggy said

        Thank you for your support:-)
        You know, but the problem is that I don’t know who he is. Very often I see him as a loving person, who cares so much for animals and can offer selfless help to strangers. I can see so much love in him, which actually makes me really confused. I can’t forget the look in his eye when he sees me after a long period of separation and wants me to come back. The problem is that I see his love. But apparently it is just an illusion….
        I tried to separate for a longer periods…I think the longest one was 2 months. We have some common friends, we were studying together so it is extremely hard to cut him off. And he always comes back. Once I stopped talking to him and stopped replying his messages. After that he told me that he has a new girl (now I know it was a lie), which that time made me really jealous so I decided to get him back. Now I know that he actually projected it on me. He tried to get me back and he couldn’t, so he found a way to make me be in his shoes. Unfortunately, each time after I come back it is always fine only for few months and then he flips out, get his mood swings and starts blaming me for things. Everything we’ve built up is gone. Each time we start from the beginning and we always reach the same point. I’m really fed up now. I feel depressed. Currently I’m working on my phd and I can’t focus on any of my work. I try to go out with my friends and enjoy myself, but enjoyment lasts only for few hours and then after I get home I feel like having him beside me…
        I know the reality. I know that he is sick. I know that he is destructive and that I shouldn’t be with him and shouldn’t even care. But it is so easy to say and so hard to do…
        I’m trying, that’s why I’ve posted my story on your blog:-)

        Thank you for such a quick response and your support!

      • savorydish said

        How can you love someone when you don’t know who they are?

        True love requires a degree of constancy. Not mood swings and personality changes. He is not capable of true love. What you perceive to be loving behavior is an act. You have seen first hand that borderlines can not keep up the act. Eventually their true self is revealed.

        You are tolerating abuse. The push and pull mind games will have a serious impact on your well-being. So why do you allow it to continue?

        It is easier said than done to cut him off. But it makes it harder when secretly you don’t want to cut him off. You must learn to be happy and whole without him. The change starts with you. You have to be strong enough to say “no more”.

      • maggy said

        I have no idea why I attract people, who are like this. I mean I had a pretty happy childhood, full of love and care. I had almost everything I needed. Still my family is a bit messed up. My mom lied to me about who my real father was and I was brought up believing that it was some other person before I got to know the truth. Still, I don’t remember whether it had such a big impact on me at that time. I might have cried for few hours and that was it. Seriously I don’t know…I don’t remember it that well.
        Besides my family is a bit overprotective, which also might be an issue. Is it connected? How to deal with that? Sorry to ask but how did you deal with your own issues? Have you seen a therapist?
        Thanks:-)

      • savorydish said

        I do recommend a therapist if you feel you are not strong enough to deal. There is no shame in that. You are hurt, and a therapist will provide the support you need.

        But know that a therapist can only help you so much. They can steer you in the right direction and give you insight.
        But ultimately, you have to be willing to change. You have to be willing to look at yourself and your relationships with total honesty.
        I’m more of a DIYer, but everybody has their own way.

        You say you had a happy past. But in the same breath, you say your family was messed up. Your story is conflicted. Maybe you need a therapist to help you see the big picture. I’ve spent the good part of my life, examining my life and my past. So when the storm hit, I was prepared to deal. It was hard, but I had the tools I needed to bounce back. But I am still working out issues. It will most likely be a lifelong struggle. So you are not alone.

      • savorydish said

        Writing for this blog has helped me tremendously. I highly recommend writing down your own experiences and doing your own research.

  23. GM said

    Hi all,

    I love the commentary. It’s given me a lot of insight as to what my guy is feeling. Because I’m the one with BPD. I don’t even know what to do with myself any longer. This repetitive self-destructive behavior, these childish temper tantrums, are so exhausting. And when I think about the things I’ve said to him, I just want to curl up in a corner. I’m so ashamed of myself and so full of regret. When I think about it, everything that I’ve said should’ve probably been said to me.

    The whole hot and cold cycle went on for months, until a month ago when he finally blocked me out of his life. I’m so sad that he’s gone and I wish I can apologize, but these constant pleas for forgiveness have become completely meaningless.

    Sigh…I’m so confused.

  24. Moonbaby11 said

    Hi I’m going through the same thing with a guy I met. I seem to always be the caregiver in these relationships. They are a pattern for me. The thing is I have been through every kind of abuse and do not have a good relationship with my mother. She is very mentally abusive to me, but I cling and fall in love easily to the wrong people though. I also used to cut myself when I was a teenager. I have no urge now and thought now that I’m a mother i was really over these kinds of relationships. I was so careful and waited a very long time before I found this guy and it we bonded fast and he did talk of marriage, children, moving in all within a month. Now I see this and when I date it will forever be a red flag not to go forward. My problem is though, that I am pregnant with his child and don’t know what to do. He is freaking out and won’t acknowledge it and is being very cold and cruel to me. I am feeling scared and sorry for this baby. But, I trust in God and pray every night that he will cure this disorder and make our lives whole. I really feel for all of you because this is a serious problem that causes so much pain for all involved. He called my daughters dad a jerk and said he’d never do anything like that to me, but then he has and I can’t believe it. He knew how much I didn’t want this go through a pregnancy alone again. All I can do is wait it out and hope it isn’t hell on me for the next 18 years. May God bless all of us!!!

    • savorydish said

      This guy is an asshole and you don’t want him fathering your child. Please seek treatment for yourself. You need to seek help for the sake of your children. Don’t wait and hope it’s going to get better. It won’t. YOU have to make things better. If not for yourself, do it for your child. PLEASE.

  25. Whitey said

    It really is a terrible illness or condition. I loved a girl, got to know her over a period of a year even though I didn’t really “know her.”
    Became a couple with her and over 18 months, it was a roller coaster ride from hell. The list of strange and bizarre happenings is too long to list. Four months in, she was pregnant with my child
    and as I sit here today, the riddle is no more.

    Her family and friends are her enablers. She is considered the black sheep of her family by her admission but she seems to be
    tolerated and encouraged as a professional victim.

    We were on for a year and a half and one day, I lost my cool and
    she was gone. Then came the false allegations of assault and a restraining order. Just like the way her family got rid of her ex. They are real people persons.

    As I sit her now, it has been a year and a half since I have seen my son or heard from her. She’s gone and most of the time forgotten. I see her for what she is and it is sad.

  26. FC said

    I am 7 months removed from my bpd ex girlfriend and am proud to say I have come a long way in that time. Some people say that nons have childhood trauma issues that make them susceptible to the ways of those with BPD.

    In my case I don’t find this true.I had a great childhood, no fears of abandonment, I’m not a rescurer, don’t suffer from low self esteem or confidence by nature. What I can say is that I am an understanding person with a big heart and had a lot of love to give and am not afraid to honestly express myself when needed. These are good qualities but in my BPD relationship it served also as a curse. Even as healthy people, we are never more vulnerable than to demonstrate these traits with trust and belief to another person whether they have personality issues or not.. I for one had no clue my ex had BPD, neither did she for she was undiagnosed and probably still is.( Found that out afterwards from help of a friend who is a psych major and prompted me to research BPD) I believe she even knew something wasn’t queit right within herself as she would refer to herself as being weird and misunderstood. Which intrigued me being she is a very attractive girl so I thought it was sort of cute. I didn’t have any idea that I was dealing with a BPD and was being split black and white throughout.

    I have experienced the same feelings and stressors as you all have associated being involved with a BPD during and after the relationship. I was a healthy person who’s emotional health started to deteriorate severely after being exposed to BPD behavior. I was a deer caught in the headlights but am now feeling more like my healthier self. Looking back I see many red flags I ignored. All of the ambivalence, emotional abuse I endured when I expressed my needs, and the push-and-pull tactics, etc hit you hard subconsiously but you don’t notice it til after the fact. I understand that these things happen in healthy relationships but when it happens 100 out of 100 times or in a cyclic pattern with no real resolve it’s dysfunctional. What kept me there for as long as I stayed (she cut me out of her life after an arguement)was me giving her the benefit of the doubt, trusting her, and knowing that the concerns could be simple misunderstandings for both of us but she always acted in an immature manner about it. Thinking that she was a normal girl who may have been just as confused as I was about us, I would show compasssion during these fights enabling her to hook guilt inside of me therefore, allowing her to escape accountability for her actions and me unwittingly ignoring my needs. I can say that my compassion in hard times, loyalty, love for her as atleast a friend and trying to find closure out of understanding with her was a dead end trap.

    To all who have suffered from these relationships fight to get yourself back even harder than you fought for your BPD partner. Understand that even if you are a healthy, functional person you can’t have a healthy, functional relationship with a dysfunctional person. It is a day by day process in healing but get yourself healthy again or even healthier than you were before the BPD relationship so that you can have a healthy, functioning relationship with yourself as well as with another like wise. You must be honest with yourself as in why you stayed and tolerated the abuse, what made you feel you could rescue such a person(if you got involved knowing they had BPD), and pick out your healthy qualities as well as your unhealthy ones that may have contributed. I can honestly say I suffered because I accepted this person in my heart as a human being and overstepped my own boundaries that I had set for myself in the relationship towards the end. I may have been a little addicticted to her flavor as well once exposed. I didn’t protect myself from her controlling behavior as well as I could have which for me was to leave and not come back like I once did. I am still healing and realize that even though I am much healthier now, I still have some ways to go. Put God first.

  27. FC said

    I have had two relationships prior to this and can say that they both were healthy and understanding. In being so, even though we have broke up I am friends with my exes out of mutual respect. When you’re in a healthy relationship you don’t have to show the vast amount of compassion and care that you feel you had to show to the borderline. A healthy person will realize what they have after a certain amount of time and will be appreciative so they will reciprocate. A healthy person wouldn’t want to keep you in the swamp of confusion for your sake and theirs. When I recall the beginning of my BPD relationship; I was bounded by fascination, curiosity of this attractive girl who carried herself in a down to earth fashion that I felt was someone I could relate to.(WRONG). It was something different that gave me an overwhelming feeling that my previous relationships didn’t give me at the beginning.

  28. rstolk said

    HAS ANYONE ELSE GONE THROUGH THESE THOUGHTS

    As I was pondering my thoughts of whether I could have been wrong in the relationship or not I thought about all the good things my BPDw has done for me. I’m going to make this as succinct as possible because there are so many thoughts, and no one wants to read a novel at this point.

    In the beginning my BPDw was in a relationship with an acquaintance of mine and weighed about 168 pounds. She broke up with him so she could go and get me. They use to come to the gigs I played at, and I thought they were an item, but little to my surprise they were apparently not. She ended up getting a gym trainer and lost 68 pounds. She told me later that she did this in order to get me. She started coming to my house to talk because apparently she was having trouble with her relationship. Now mind you, I was unaware of this disorder. She would take me to lunch and say how this other guy lost his job and was not handling his part of the relationship. He was a slob, didn’t do the cleaning around the house, and a slew of other things. She made him look like the dark knight in dull armour. Before you knew it she would be waiting on my front porch for me to come home so she could talk. She would complain quite a bit. Why didn’t I see the red FLAG. Before I knew it she told me she kicked the other guy out. And before I knew it I was falling for her. I asked her one weekend to come over and we can spend some time together in my hot tub and talk. As we talked she lowered her bathing suite turned around and asked if I wanted to see her tattoo. Well, I was surprised, but told her it was interesting. She had a guitar and the name of the guy on her backside. She later covered it up with my name. That day she had me in the sack, and the rest is self-explanatory. I had told her that I had a disease and that I was slightly sexually dysfunctional before the relationship was even thought of. You see, she is an RN and I thought she would know a good doctor that could help me. Little did I know that this was a weakness she put into her memory bank. She told me when we were in bed that she wanted to know what she was up against, and told me she would be able to handle it. Before you knew it in a matter of weeks she called me up and said she wants to move in with me. I helped to move her in and the relationship started.

    We had talked about marriage because she said she doesn’t live with another man unless she marries him. Another red flag I was unaware of. So, I said lets take some time and do some thinking and some planning. With this statement she thought I said yes. Within a matter of a month she had planned that we got married the following weekend in Las Vegas. I didn’t say a word. The weekend came and she said what time do you want to leave in the morning, and I said leave for where? All of a sudden she started pounding on the wall screaming you said you would marry me. RED FLAG!! I didn’t see it because I had my disorders I guess. I said OK what time do you want to leave. STUPID!

    Well, after the marriage everything was great until more red flags started to show. She would follow me around the house touching my crotch and telling me constantly to pull my pants down. If I would say no not now she would get deeply offended. She would give me pedicures, baths, organize my medicine, and much more. I didn’t know about the clingy side of the BPD person! I actually felt that I had it made. I was in second heaven with all this attention.

    Things started to change! She started to tell me she was into instant gratification. She didn’t have credit cards because she had bad credit. I had the credit cards. I owned my own house, and she started saying things like you have a house and credit cards and she didn’t. With her instant gratification she had to buy stuff for the house immediately which caused me to file for bankruptcy now. When I would try to talk to her about the situation it would only trigger an episode. I was starting to get depressed about this. Oh yea, she would pay some of the bills, but only minimum. She told me if she helped to pay off the debt I would leave her. My depression started to stress her out, so she started back into gambling which at first I was unaware she actually had a compulsive habit. This only got me more depressed. The more I got depressed the more she would go gambling. She said it relieved her stress.

    Also, I found out too late that the other guy wasn’t a slob, but they were. My BPDw wife and her 12 year old daughter were the slobs. They almost ruined my house because of it. When I tried to teach her daughter responsibility my BPDw would reprimand me in front of her daughter, so now her daughter learned to treat me with disrespect. I was at my wits end. I told them they had to leave. Before they left my BPDw cried saying she didn’t want a divorce. I said then we are going to have to work at it. For eight months I traveled 49 mile to her house to help her. I would fix things around the house and yard, take them to dinner because she didn’t cook even though she knew how to. She became more concerned about her going to the casino than me or her daughter. I was still spending money on her and her daughter, and I was treated like an intruder more than a husband by the both of them. I would travel like I said 49 mile one way only to be thrown out for things I couldn’t figure out. She would forever let me know directly or indirectly how I told her to leave and that she had to live the way she was living. Her rent was half what I pay for on my mortgage, and she made $90,000.00/yr, and she is always broke at the end of the month. I’ve told her to stop gambling and stop spending impulsively, but this would only trigger screaming rants of rage and was told to go home. I finally had it and ended the relationship.

    I had to write this, and could of written much more. This shows me all of the traits of a borderline. There was the honeymoon, the clinging, the splitting, the devaluation, irrationality, projection by telling me it was all my fault, and more, but I would have written a novel. Now her daughter is starting to have the same traits. This make me see that there were more bad than good in the relationship, and I thought I was 100% the cause of the breakup. Whew, and I actually wanted to kill myself.

    Has anyone had similar circumstances? It really helps to go over this because we would go mentally insane trying to figure out whether we could of done something different. I was so severely hurt because of the honeymoon; I couldn’t see the forest from the trees. I do feel slightly better now that I wrote this. I’m extremely thankful for site like this because I was about to commit myself into the insane asylum. I am very grateful for sites like this trying to make the public aware of this terrible disorder. I can’t thank all of you enough!

    Bob

  29. Sadie said

    Wow, you’ve no idea how relieved I am to find this site. Actually, you probably DO know exactly how I feel. I feel like I’m no longer alone after reading these stories.
    I’m going through my own hell right now. I was ‘friends’ with a man for two years. We had a VERY intense sexual thing but were never together as such for one reason or another (by his choice – I was always waiting). He would shower me with compliments, tell me how much he loved me and talked of a future together. He’d text me constantly (especially if he knew I’d be out rather than sitting at home alone), was needy but I thought it was because he loved me.
    He’s had a girlfriend for the last year he’s been ‘stuck’ in a relationship with and needed time before he could leave her for me. I’m almost laughing out loud because I can’t believe how stupid I was.
    This man is a COMPULSIVE liar (about even the littlest most irrelevant things), highly promiscuous (which I knew deep down but didn’t want to admit) and would reel me in til he got me where he wanted and then ditch me and call me needy the second I would reciprocate the attention and the talk of our future.
    I feel stupid, embarrassed, angry and heartbroken. It all ended six weeks ago where I exposed him on something he did and was angry at him, so the next thing I know, he has totally cut me out of his life after suggesting i was to blame for this certain incident (which I had nothing to do with). Deleted me from fb, no word since.
    I know this is a good thing deep down but I’m so shattered and feel like my heart has
    been ripped out. For someone to be such a big part of my world for two years, someone I know has terrible issues from his past which he won’t go in to but I stood by and thought I could help him, for me to just erase me from his life like this…….it hurts beyond belief.
    I am a smart, successful and wonderful woman with the whole world at her feet. How the fuck did I get myself into this where I’m tortured for hours a day with thoughts of this man and trying to make sense of it all??? How do I climb out of this hole?
    Thanks for listening to my story. I feel less alone, as hard as this all is.

    • savorydish said

      You’re welcome. The best thing I can tell you is to keep reading. You’re not alone. And the more you know, the more you will realize he did you a favor by cutting you out. It doesn’t seem like it now. But it will. I promise. I went through the same pain and came out the other side a wiser person. You will too. Write your feelings down and let them out. Never let anybody tell you to get over it. You will when YOU are ready.

      Don’t feel bad. Even smart people get suckered into loving screwed up people. This is not about brains or a lack of it. This is about repeating patterns that have been with you for a long time. Be conscious and learn how to break that pattern. Good luck.

      • Sadie said

        Thank you so much for your response. I know deep down that he actually did me a favor by discarding me, but it just hurts so much. I think about him all the time still. I miss him. Though I’m not sure why – the constant pull-me-in/push-me-away is now over. It’s like we only remember the good, whatever that was.
        Do they come back? Like I said, it’s only been six weeks. I wish I knew for certain I was never going to hear from him again but with the way it ended, I feel like he will be back and asking for another chance at our ‘friendship’. I wish there was a way to know so I can prepare myself.
        Thanks again for all you said. I’ll keep coming here and reading. I’m also reading a couple of other (sociopath) blogs as well, which seem to fit him also. They really seem to help too when I’m feeling down or missing him.

      • I love this blog SD. It’s been very helpful and I follow the stories closely via email as well as trying to document and help others going through this pain on my own little blog. Thank you…

        The worst thing about these damned relationships is the blame factor. After being cut out of my ex Borderline’s life I struggled massively with it. Still do. I keep asking myself, out-loud sometimes: was it my fault? Am I the BPD? Like a scratched record I get caught within this ridiculous groove. At one point I felt like committing suicide. I reached out. Sent her a text telling her how I was feeling. Told her I was missing her. Her reply floored me. She said: “How are you missing me?” After everything we shared; the daily online interaction, the long phone conversations, the meetings, the intimacy, that was all she had to say regarding my suicidal thoughts. Bitch! Thankfully now, four months later, I’m no longer in that place so much but I find that the emotions come and go in waves. Only yesterday I started to feel down again after a few weeks respite.

        I can’t figure it out in truth. I believe that’s what keeps us enmeshed long after the Borderline scarpers. It’s the unfathomability of the situation. How the hell did she stroll away like that without a backward glance? I certainly couldn’t pull that one off. My Borderline told me she was infatuated not in love. This, after all her talk of my being “the right person”, lmao! We even discussed marriage. I don’t hate my ex but I do sometimes wish she’s soften and reach out to me. Just so I can tell her to fuck off! She always had to be in command. Total control was her mantra. I was a fool for keeping on. I should have done the blocking. But I couldn’t. I didn’t have that capacity within me. I loved the cow…

        Anyway, I’m still blocked, still hurting, still ruminating. She knows this intuitively. They do. It’s one of their special gifts. And it makes them stronger. Very sad.

      • @Sadie: If he does return it’ll be because he needs more narcissistic supply from you. Maybe his new “project” dumped him or became a problem for him…?

        It won’t be because he genuinely loved you. If he loved you he simply wouldn’t have been capable of deserting you like he did. If you hang onto the hope of his eventual return you’ll not fully recover and will jump into his clutches as soon as he beckons…

        Then he’ll dump you again!

      • Sadie said

        Enlightened – you are SPOT ON. What you said was so simple but hit the mark – if he loved me he wouldn’t desert me like this. If he loved me, we would have talked through the issues and supported each other.
        He will be back. His girlfriend dumped him when she found out about he and I and then he cut me off a couple of weeks later (when he wormed himself back together with her). I give it another couple of months til he’s bored again and her guard has relaxed a little and then he will contact me. I want it to be long enough where I’m strong enough to not be sucked back in and I know that extra time will help. It ebbs and flows now. It’s only been six weeks but I’ve made huge leaps in that time I think. What a huge loss for that miserable bastard.
        I pity his girlfriend because she is obviously neck deep in this too to take him back like that. And I have major remorse for being the other woman. I am NOT that kind of person and have never done that before. I stupidly believed him when he said he was breaking up with her and on the way out and because I was in love with him and what we had was different to anyone else, I allowed myself to do that.

  30. @Sadie: Mine won’t be back. I told her she was BPD. She is in the caring field. Harsh words were exchanged between us. Pretty sad stuff. I wish I’d never met her in truth. Can’t shake her outta my soul. In a way I want her to return but on the other hand I know it’s too damaged now. She is a high functioning Borderline Waif with narcissistic traits. I know I got issues also but Christ, I thought we were in love; as mad as it admittedly was…

    Do you reckon she’ll ever contact me again?

    • Sadie said

      I’d never say never with these people. They aren’t like us and feel like we do so it comes down to when they need to be fed again. I’d say in most cases they do pop up again at some point, based on that.
      Mine too was very narcissistic and even told me that he owned me hahaha!! I thought he was kidding but now I realize he wasn’t. I was a possession to him, a convenience. When I became inconvenient, and called him out on something he did (and therefore exposing him for the fraud he is), he ran. Guaranteed he will be back though when he wants another boost. I’d never rule any of these people out to reappear. They’re sick individuals. I wish I’d never met mine either. I know it will get better and I’ll be stronger for the experience though so I can’t look back and be negative. Just need to move on from this and know there are good men out there.

    • Zan said

      It’s funny how almost all of our stories fit the same exact pattern. It’s been just over 8 months for me new since my BPD ex-best friend split me black after I confronted her about screwing her next door neighbor. It’s still hurts a bit, but it is much better. This blog has helped a lot, especially by reminding me what a blessing it is having her f-ing ass out of my life. There are days when I wonder if she will ever come back. In my case, I don’t think so – I busted her red handed and she is way too ashamed. In fact, I’m sure she is still hiding the affair from her family and friends. And I agree, I wish I would have never have met her, not just because of the pain she has caused, but because I know she mirrored me throughout our entire friendship and I honestly have no idea who she really it. That’s the worst, thinking you know someone like a sister and then to realize she is a total stranger.

      • Sadie said

        It is funny isn’t it? We are in the same boat. Seems like they disappear once you blow their cover. The hardest part for me is knowing now that he played me all along just to get what he wanted. I feel sorry for him that he can’t feel love like we do. Very convincing though. The compliments, the look in his eyes, the moments we shared. All for nothing though I’m sure it will be the last time I’m ever in a web like this. I’ll know what to look for next time. How sad for these pathetic people to miss out on so much.

  31. I don’t actually know if I blew her cover. I don’t know anything anymore in truth guys. I even doubt she is BPD. My mind is in two places at once. Sometimes I feel that yes, she is BPD and almost as soon as I reconsider and blame myself…

    Very troubling. It’s been four months ffs! We only dated for 5. It was damned intense. That idealisation bit was awesome! I was the best; the sexiest; the brainiest… My kisses were “life changing”; I had kudos; I was cool as….; she’d never felt like that before; blah, blah… Jesus, the adoration knocked me sideways!

    And those meetings. What can I say. She’s gone now….

    I doubt seriously that she’ll return. I accused her outright of cheating without evidence. It was a gut feeling. There’s no way I’ll ever see her again after the mouthful I gave her. Even so, I could never just freeze someone out like that… Sure, I’d be bloody hurt if she’s said those things to me but I’d recover. I dunno. So many mind-games got played. I’m well befuddled. And hurt…

    Why the hell do it still grip me? I thought it would have passed by now. But those waves. They wash over and all you do is ache and ache. I need a full-frontal to erase her. Sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever pull through this. It frightens me. And still I’m blocked. There’s no empathy. Did I imagine her? That’s how it feels… Did we really have a relationship? I’m baffled.

    • Sadie said

      And that’s exactly where they get their power. I too blamed myself back and forth thinking I was too harsh on him all because I ignored ONE text. That’s just crazy. They take away any self belief you have left and you start to believe YOU are the problem. You’re not. You made her face up to what she is and it terrifies them so they cut us off. Well, fuck them. It’s their loss. We are left in pieces but we must move forward. I too ache and try to make sense of it all but you can’t. It’s pointless. I sleep well at night knowing I still have the capacity to love and I did it with all my heart. It was just the wrong person and one who cruelly took advantage of the good things in me. I’m not going to let him destroy me completely.
      I put myself in someone else’s shoes and imagine hearing my story. That gives great perspective. If one of my friends told me my story, there’s not a shred of doubt in my mind that it was all him, that he is the one who is sick. Not me. We have to move on and not let them take every part of us.

      • Cheers Sadie, you’re right of course. x

        Another bloody odd thing here is my ex’s friendship with a vulnerable guy that lives in NY. They’ve never met each other but have a rather close bond that has always intrigued me. He’s not her type, I can see that because he’s way too vulnerable and fragile (she’d kill him if they got romantic because he’d never cope with her psychology in the long run once her issues kicked in) but, nevertheless, there he is on my Facebook friend list….

        When my Borderline and I split for the last time I removed him as friend and blocked him because I considered him to be way too close to the source of my pain and confusion (we’d never been close other than the occasional banter on my wall and a few private messages, whereby he’d instil in me the philosophy that my ex should be treated like a queen). But I unblocked him a few weeks later because my curiosity got the better of me, lol. Now, here’s the thing. Even though my ex had blocked me out of her life completely, and even though I’d been (admittedly) awful to her friend by blocking, he added me back as friend? He’s still there on my list and we’ve exchanged a few messages since however, all I’ve done is rubbish his close “best friend”, “sister”, of seven years: my ex!!!

        Why is he still on my list? I think I’d personally remove somebody I didn’t have history with if they were continually slagging off a close buddy of mine; wouldn’t you? So, and I’ve asked myself this a few times now but not him — yet, is he spying for her or does he care about me……………

        Perhaps he feels sorry for me! Sheeet, I don’t need that, man. I’m a big ugly 42 yr old geezer with tats. So why hasn’t he deleted me? I mean, only the other day I told him (deliberately) that I viewed my ex as being BPD and immature… But he’s still there, ffs!!! So, okay he has now stopped responding to my messages (which feels eerily like being back with her in truth and creeps me out) but has not removed my sorry ass from his friend list. What’s going on here? Should I just remove him again and be done with it?

        I know he’s passing my messages back to her. It feels weird. And some of his responses to my furtive searching has baffled me. For instance, when I said I’d like to be friends he replied: “I’m sure you two will be friends again one day…” And, when I said I was confused he replied: “It’s gonna be alright.” To which I responded: “What is?” His answer to that: “Everything….” WTF????? Cryptic or what…

        The strangest thing about all this is her not being there. I seem to have spent all this time alone yet still connected to her somehow… I’m baffled by the whole shitty experience. I also get a sense of impending doom too for some reason. Like something is going to happen soon….

        So, Sadie, friends on here, what do you make of this?

  32. tella said

    Ok so all the post remind me of the HELL we all have been through. My ex-best friend (BPD) always seemed to tell me stories about her life and childhood that were sad, heartbreaking and somehow she was ALWAYS the victim. And at first I believed everything but then she would change the story (tweak) it and I would question her than she would twist it back on me. SO confused… finally after two years of friendship and 2000 dollars of giving, and giving to her I just let her have it! She had been pushing me away, ignoring my calls then claimed that I was calling her too much, although she could call me 3 times in an hour time frame. Then she would lie about the most trival stupid stuff. I read her email and she had been telling people that I was evil! seriously, she didnt think I wasn’t evil beinging there for her financially, or helping her when her family was treating her horrible. I was slap devastated!! She caught me reading her email and its been over a year since her deafing silent treatment. She has slandered my name she avoids me like crazy, i have lost most of our mutual friends and she hasn’t missed a beat. SO hurt, its not fair, I reached out repeatly to just make peace. she just went more silent and disappeared well sort of. Everytime we see each other she runs away or looks the other way.. like I dont exist! What should I do?? All I want is peace NOT a friendship! What is her purpose with acting that way??

    • savorydish said

      You should run far far away. She has given you a gift by cutting you out of her life. You will not find peace with a person who isn’t even at peace with themselves. If she has already tarnished your relationship and your good name, she has proven that she is not worthy of your friendship. She has already done enough damage to you. Do not let her do any more. If you want to know why she is acting this way, keep reading this blog. This behavior is typical of a full-blown borderline. Find solace in the fact that you are not alone.

    • Zan said

      Your story sounds almost exactly like mine. Ultimately, there is no real sane or logical explanation for being “split black.” I drove myself nearly nuts the first few months wondering how my best friend, whom I had helped financially, was like an uncle to her kids, and her deepest confidant could just cut me out of her life (all the while playing the victim and blaming me for the demise of the friendship). But through my reading on BPD I realized it was senseless trying to “understand” it – this is their safety mechanism – especially when they feel threatened. I had to keep wanting a sick and selfish person to think and act like a sane and selfless person. Savory is right – get very, very far away. It hurts, I know – but it gets better. My resolution is to not let anyone else manipulate me like that again. I’ve stopped beating myself up and keep reminding myself what a blessing it is to have her ass our of my life.

      • tella said

        Just wanted to tell both of you thank you so very much!! I appreciate the awesome truthful responses. Zan I just sent another question but no need to respond cause I feel You have given all the answers I need!! Totally appreciate this thread!! Peace, we must stay strong!!

  33. One more thing that I forgot to say.

    My ex and I haven’t communicated for months however, she spotted my profile on Twitter and blocked me. That really hurt!!! Then, after I’d corresponded with her NY buddy on Facebook she unblocked me on Twitter, posted a cryptic tweet and blocked me again…

    Are mind games being played here??? I feel like I’m being somehow manipulated.

    Dunno…

    • Sadie said

      Enlightened – to me it almost sounds like SHE has access to his Facebook, which is why you haven’t been unfriended on there. Chances are if this guy is as vulnerable as you say, she’s manipulated him to enough to give her access to his fb so she can spy on you and ultimately retain a bit of control. That’s what it sounds like to me at least. I can’t think of any other logical reason. Not that we are dealing with logical people here but yeah……I’m betting that’s what’s happening. It almost sounds like it was her responding to those messages too. As a nice little power play/mind f**k on her part. Very twisted.

  34. @Sadie: Interesting theory! You know, I does kinda feel eerily reminiscent of the contact situation I had with her before she put up the ten inch thick steel wall… I’m not sure my NY “friend” would allow her access to his Fb account mind. It’s an odd situation….

    • Sadie said

      Personally I wouldn’t put it past either of them. Sorry if that sounds harsh – not meaning to – but from what you said, the NY friend sounds as though he could be caught up enough in her web to be easily swayed. It just sounds really suss to me. But what would I know, eh? 🙂

  35. You make a LOT of sense to me Sadie. Thank you for chatting to me. Much Appreciated. How’s your situation going? Btw, happy New Year…..

    • Sadie said

      Awwww of course, Enlightened. You’re so welcome. We are all going through this together so if it makes us feel any less alone then I’m happy!
      I’m doing great right now. I see the man’s pedestal diminishing day by day and seeing him for who he is. I have my ups and downs but mostly I feel I’m turning a corner and now I am feeling more like “who the hell are you to treat someone that way, you miserable excuse for a man.” 🙂 THAT is healthy. I deserve so much more because I’m a bloody great woman and it just really sucks for him to not have me in his life. I’ve joined a dating site and have had a couple of good dates and funnily enough am not needy at all. If they wanna see me again, then they can let me know. I’m not gonna chase anyone and I’m worth being pursued. Because I’m a prize. Hahaha how good is that?!! I hope you start doing better too. Life is too short for us to waste years on someone not worthy. There’s so much more out there for all of us! Happy New Year to you too! Are you in the US? I thought Australia first off but not sure.

  36. Yes, Sadie, you deserve better and I reckon you’ll soon meet another guy prepared to meet your needs selflessly… That’s what it’s all about isn’t it… Meeting each others needs. It shouldn’t be a one-sided route. All relationships are difficult regardless of BPD or not. It’s bloody hard work making these things work because you gotta take the risk of getting seriously hurt. I would never have taken things so far with my ex had I known in advance that, after all the declarations of love, etc, she’d just split without a backward glance or a change of heart once SHE decided the game was up… She has made me feel inadequate and shamed; guilty and to blame. After everything that occurred she hasn’t once softened and elected to discuss the events that transpired. I believe my honesty killed us. Whenever I rocked-the-proverbial it was always coming from a genuine place. I didn’t do anything surreptitiously…

    She was never truly rageful. Yes, she’d suddenly explode verbally on the phone if I disagreed or upset her (usually without realising what I’d done, lmao). With my Borderline it was more subtle. As she is a psychotherapist the games played were of a psychological nature more often than not and really hard to decipher accurately. I believe she is a high functioning waif type (like Marylin Monroe). More cerebral than physical. Intellectual. Bookish. Very girlish. Manipulative; seductive; alluring and sensual are words I’d say suited her best. I can see why men trip over to reach her. I can also see clearly now, after what you said, that the NY guy is probably deeply enmeshed also. Actually a very lovely person on the whole; but devious and unwilling to play on an even pitch…

    The end must come in all relationships that are failing repeatedly but BPD meltdowns are very painful indeed. It’s been many weeks now since my ex shut me out. Since then there has been no softening. No nostalgic moments whereby she might text to say hi. Not even a birthday, Christmas or New Year message. Looking back over everything, and considering how deep, passionate, close and intimate it was between us, I’d say this was abnormal behaviour. Certainly not the way I operate.

    I’m still buddies with a number of ex’s. Not this one! They just move on. I have become, in essence, just another bit of hurt for her to hold onto. Like all the other failed relationships she’s had whereby it was always the guy that abused her, I have been added to the “blacked-list” and someone else is now going through what I had to endure: an endless repetitive cycle whereby she’d postmortem her romantic history. I feel that I was her therapist but I said the wrong things and asked for too much in return…

    Anyway, Sadie, I live in the UK. x

    • Sadie said

      Ah the UK! Nice. I just got back from London on Friday actually. Was great to have Christmas there and get away for a while.
      Your story sounds so much like mine. Im so bewildered by it all that sometimes I question my own sanity and wonder if the relationship even really happened at all or did I imagine it! Haha, that’s crazy!
      As hurt as I am by the whole situation, I’m glad he’s gone now. I was not able to see the situation for what it was while I was still in it. I was in denial despite that nagging something-not-quite-right voice inside of me.
      I truly believe that they are doing us a favour by cutting us off. I know the pain and the emptiness some days is unbearable but I think of the way this man was slowly destroying me and to me, that is far worse. It’s less painful in the end to rip the band aid off quicker, don’t you think? I know it’s a different kind of pain but I really feel like you’ll be stronger for this, as will I, once we’ve truly moved on.
      Thanks for your kind words….I guarantee I’ll look back on these the next time the rollercoaster dips, and it will. Hopefully it will only be a little bump though and less and less each time!
      I’m finding I’m starting to bore myself now thinking about him and my heartbreak so that has to be a good sign right? When I start feeling sad I roll my eyes at myself so I know I’m well on my way to healing. See, I don’t tolerate bullshit from anyone now, even ME!! 😉

  37. Curious now, where do you live? Yes, time to move on……

  38. Country not address, lmao!!!!!!!!!! Yes, sounds like you’re getting better and so am Sadie… It comes in waves mind! Don’t be fooled………..

    • Sadie said

      I live at 6….oh!!! Hahaha just kidding! 🙂 I live in the US right now.
      Oh I know. I think half the battle is being aware that it all ebbs and flows and allowing yourself that time to grieve if you need to and not to be too hard on yourself when you have those bad days. And I do. But I keep busy and I get out and live my life so it lessens the pain a little and reminds me that life goes on. I’m in a good phase right now, which is surprising but positive given the time of the year. It can only get better. Though I’m aware there will still be more bumps in the road. I’m dreading our paths crossing most of all as we live and work close to each other. Ugh. Hope I’ve got my arse kicking boots on that day.

  39. HB said

    I’ve wasted a lot of my life on people who couldn’t change – who ultimately harmed me rather than helped me with anything. What they did provide however, was a marvelous distraction from actually living the life of my own dreams (because that is harder than trying to save someone else) … life is short – why be locked up in rooms with these people who are, let’s face it, are impossible to deal with. You can’t help them – trained professionals will spend years trying to help them – someday they might help themselves and someone will get to be with them … but it won’t be you. The added dilemma is that the relationship is so damaging and the time wastage so great that you will waste even more time trying to figure it all out – that will never happen – just be happy it’s over … think about what you actually want … you want a sense of purpose, you want to be loved … get that from a job and someone who is worthy of your time … and first get real about really looking after YOURSELF … when you get that in the bag, you’ll never look back. LOVE !

  40. Sally said

    I think I was in a relationship with someone who was BPD? he was not diagnosed with it or never told me he was but he always complained of being stressed and at one point said he was seeing a shrink for feeling the same and that he was emotionally distancing himself from me. The relationship was great in the begining, he said he had never had a serious relationship or been in love but he knew I was the one (he’s nearly 30). He talked of marriage, babies the works! Then he started breaking up with me over silly things. I eventually found out from a member of his family most of what he had told me about himself were lies, I challanged him and he became upset, said he had only said those things to impress me and that was also the reason he had to get out of the relationship because he didnt think I would love him for who he actually was. Anyway feeling sorry and in love i forgave him and everything was ok again for a while, I accepted his problem of being a compulsive liar (he lies to everyone not just me) until he again broke up with me, we argued for months because I kept trying to make it right and win him back, he made up reasons why I was to blame until in the end I was so ill and beaten down I gave up. After christmas we got back in contact and he apologised for everything and said he hoped I knew he did care for me and we started up a friendship again, since then he has cut off contact with me twice over silly arguments, again I am the one being blamed and apologising. This time Ive not tried to make it right Ive let him go, he says he has a new girlfriend which I know is not true but he also said he had put me to the back of his mind which really hurt,its only a week of no contact and I miss him dearly but I know there is something terribly wrong here??

  41. RD12 said

    Hi All,

    This thread has been incredibly insightful for me. Some very astute comments. I just wanted to add my 10 pence worth really……..

    Firtsly, to those non’s who are suffering, I can say it does get better over time and I am now processing my recovery well some 7 months after my (very) high functioning ExBPDgf saboutaged our relationship. I’m afraid it doeant fully go away though, and she remains on my mind often. My passage to getting better and feeling whole again has been frightening, scary and downright painful, with emotional scars remaining – For the most part, I found I eased my recovery slowly through reading about this incredible disorder, and writing about my experience of it.

    This thread has really helped me in my later stages to understand how emotionally abused I was, and how ill she really is, with little chance of me ever changing things for her. She is an incredible woman, glamourous, in a high profile job and very engaging – everyone loves her at work. I am one of only a small number to have gotten close to her. She soothes through work, shopping and overeating and staying busy. Not through other relationships right now.

    I very nearly lost everything. I was a confident, secure, (or thought I was!) succesful bloke, hugely happy with life and felt I had finally met the woman of my dreams. I plummetted into depression after the saboutage, was very ill, couldnt sleep, ruminated constantly, and went through sheer hell trying to understand what I had gone through – I just didnt get it at all. Her rages were inwards, she is the quiet borderline, but emotionally I received all the traits of push pull, passive aggressive, mirroring, projecting, blaming, critising, black / white behaviour. All within a year, I went from 8 months of sheer elation, through to total collapse as she pushed me away with no real reason evident. It was a complete mystery that propelled me wizard of Oz land.

    Oddly, we remained close friends for another 3 months (she was comfortabkl with the emotional distance and control she had created – people even thought we were still together as we were seen together all the time) until early 2012 when she then saboutaged our friendship and cut off all contact with NO explanation. Clearly in her mind, she was emotionally suffering but I was never sure what I did to receive this total abuse which is not normal behaviour. I am still processing the hurt of the final saboutage, but coming through it. I returned texts and e mails to her knowing she would not reply – but all I did there was remain being abused – This was about sheer control for her and by me continuing to chase her and contact her, I simply have lost her respect (probably) and my own self respect. How could I possibly still want her when she very nearly destroyed me emotionally ? Simply its the addiction.

    What I wanted to say is that SD is spot on here in all he says. It is an addiction – never have I experienced anyone who gave me everything I wanted in a relationship – but it was all false of course – an illusion. I found it fascinating to see her primitive emotional defences in action and could eventually predict it and I often validated her feelings and tried everyhting to help her. She is dynamite – but suffers internally a real pain, full of total shame and guilt. I often imagine her curled up in her bed suffering her pain quietly and cannot imagine the depth of that pain she suffers – though I think I now have an idea.

    Secretly I didnt want to stop the abuse and wanted to keep in contact with her. It has taken a mammoth effort for me to now STOP. I am not soft, but I do have a heart and have real compassion for her illness – its so sad.

    The point here is that I (along with many others here) have suffered quite serious emotional trauma – to the extent that it is symptomatic of PTSD. We have experienced something that is hard to shake and I had many symptoms of PTSD following this experience – I have not underestimated the sheer pain and damage to my health that this has taken me through. I am scarred perhaps with many others and very hypervigilant to new dates. On the plus side, I have learnt much about myself, my childhood, and my own issues. I have fought back and whilst not fully healed and I suspect I never will, I feel well again but carrying a burden through life that will never go away. It changed me. Traumatic experiences do. I hold no malice against her, I simply explained to her in the end the specifics of where her actions were wrong (a little like telling a child that certain things are inappropriate and wrong) yet explaining that I held no deep resentment and wished her well. She will survive, for thats all they can do on a daily basis, and I suspect she will have a breakdown soon again. She wears a number of masks and no one would ever think anything was wrong with her – and I know she will feel deep shame and guilt for what she has done to me. Yet, her primitive defences will overide any other actions, or feelings she has – They cannot cognitively rationalise. She was scared like a young child, she needed control, needed to rid herself of me due to overwhelming emotions she was feeling, needed to manage her deep internal anger by cutting me off, and also her primitive defences felt she must punish me too. All based upon PERCEIVED abandonment.

    What an incredible phenonemon this illness is: And yet, only a small percentage of us have ever witnessed it – I suspect there are many more than the 2-3% of the population cited, that have this ilness – I came across a very sucessful high functioning type, I sense there are thousands more like her. She used to say to me ‘I leave nothing but damage behind me in my relationships’. The core shame she carries is clearly painful, but she cant stop herself and the fear she has around this must be quite astonishing. I think the worst for her is that it all confuses her massively.

    Good luck to all of you suffering right now in the wake of the trauma you went through. It will improve – believe me!

    • savorydish said

      Thanks for sharing your story, RD12. It helps everyone to know that someone else went through the exact same experience. Like you said, the whole world is oblivious to this experience, because borderlines only allow a select few to see their darkside.

    • Zan said

      Spot on. Savory, I have an idea for you. This blog (and this post in particular) has helped me and so many people, but letting us know, or reminding us – that we are not alone. What about a blog where the entries are stories of people who have been split black – as a resource for people to go to find some understanding and healing. Right now the stories are all in the comments – but maybe people could send you there stories and you could post them, then people could comment? Just an idea. Maybe we can call the blog “Welcome to the Dark Side” like your other post on this.

  42. RD12 said

    Hi…I like this idea. ‘welcome to the dark side’ is spot on! It’s all about a journey that few in the population (as a whole) ever experience. The surreal, confusing, and out of body experience as a journey is bloody hard to make sense of. I know it took me 6 months of reading…….

  43. warcolour said

    Hi to @all

    First I want to apologize for my bad english. I am from Germany and I have had the pleasure to be abused by a women; I was lucky enough to get out after 3 month with her. We had known each other for 3 years /over facebook mostly. Then I moved to her chaotic place/ she hat no diagnose/ or she never told me I would say/ she told me about PTSD/and problems with relationships/ she was sexual abused by her grantfather/ was thrown away by her mother and steepfather/ her real father was about to kill her mother and much more…
    I think she knows what she has but she keeps it a secret. (on an social network site her name is (it is not facebook and you cant find her on google) dont let the lipstick fool you – she is right about that. Shame on me… she did hurt me very very much ://

    What she told me and what I saw about her.

    -Was afraid to be alone/ it was not possible at all.

    -she was empty

    -could not sleep well/ and sleeped till 10-11 am. Everyday.

    -no concentration to do things

    -her live was very chaotic

    -victim role(her ex the evil one)

    -she had caretaker 2 time a week/ I think they cant help her at all

    -no job (never) and no perspective to do so

    -lies everytime about anything

    -she wants childs and a man (that was her only concern for now)

    -was cheating on me/ live and directly/ told me (the white knight) was a friend and had a girlfriend and 2 kids (I had to be quite) and she was hiding him from me… (I was very jelous about that) but she called me ill and so on/ I have to make a therapy and so on…

    -more lies straid in my face and to her friends/ without blinking

    -has stolen my handy becouse I was jalous and I was spying on her facebook account/ found the lies ther but she turned it around everytime…mega drama after that

    -she had done nothing wrong everytime/ she was the victim

    -only she she she she

    -me = an objekt= till my soul was bleeding

    -she was near and than on distance but later after my spy act she was most time on distance/ everytime cleaning the house/ in the kitchen and for 2 weeks meeting this other guy.

    -she treated me like junk and it was ok I deserved it/ I coulded resist on spying/ so one time I heard them having sex… she broke my heart and was turning things again around… she told me that she was playing it only to get me jelous and I deserved it… :/

    -never was she sorry about anything

    -no empathy/ she is an first class actor

    -1 time she fall of the stairs bc I wanted to leave/ that was planed to make me stay/ she played again the victim role.

    -his ex was for 9 month in jail, becouse of her. she was afraid of him/ and told me sometimes he would be never ok in his live/ she told me he had Borderline/ and has stalked and hit her. so I watched about it on inet and there is so much what reasembels to her.

    -her weight 48kg – 170cm – was eating not very much.

    -she was dilinquent- everyone deserved what she did and was doing to them- without thinking what she did.

    -was putting on an mask/ to be attractiv for her friends never for me/ when she did that she changed to an other person… totally arrogant and cold/ felt like she was superior

    -was afraid of going out/ 2 times she lost her control/ she has lost her orientation.

    -1 time she pulled my hair like a berserker becouse of my handy/ I did nothing

    -the police was searching for her becouse of her caretaker they wanted her to go in an hospital/ becouse of her weight.

    -She was projecting all her bad in me at last

    -I had to take care with all my money/ she got angry after I would like if we cut the spenses in half/half-> I was antisocial/ I was ill she told me…
    and now she is with the one in an relationship->the friend (blablabla)

    -I could never make her really happy- I could do everything/ she was bottomless.

    -I fellt her hate on me like she was an other person/ she said she does not hate me.

    -she was paranoid and on the run everytime

    -her friends only boys

    -on facebook allot of photos only her/her/her even with lesser clothes on/ model like/ even ther-> she had joined a group-> dont get it twisted I know what love is / for sure she knows it…

    later on I was evil for what so ever; I was only trying to help her/ had done so much to help/ never did anything to her/ only the spying/ but my inner soul was right. She was cheating me. She was the angel/ never did any wrong nope I did.
    I was sososososo down bc of her/ I got so depressed and am/ I was really to give up my live/ never expirance such a human in alllll my live. Im mental not over this/ everytime thinking about it/ how she treated me. I will never forget that treatment.
    My weigth was 95kg -1,74cm and now 70kg. She had hurt me sososososo much. I never had belived that such a person would do something like that to me.
    Im a helpfull/rescurer typ of person so I wanted to help/ she sucked my life energy/ even when I was down with a influenza/ I had to run from here to there/ she had no concern about my state. The next boyfriend makes her happy for sure. I was not good enough for her deeds. What do you think could it be? BPD + NPD? After I called her fake/ one time/ becouse of his friend/ she changed 100% I could sense it deeply that I was on her black side. So much hate and anger on… I have bin sooo confuised. It is hell to experience that. Suffering 4 month now/ but I am feeling a little bit better now. ://

    Greetings from Germany

    • savorydish said

      Welcome Warcolour,

      Yes, she sounds a lot like my ex. She sounds like a borderline who has crossed over to HPD. That means she has perfected her craft and refined her image. She has traded self-harming for harming others. Abusing people and then playing the victim is their MO. Sorry for your pain and thank you for sharing. I’m glad you’re feeling better. Keep reading and keep writing. It helps in the recovery and the clearing of the confusion.

  44. B said

    ​Thanks everyone for sharing. It’s sadly a relief to hear that so many others have gone through my same situation. It has only been 2 weeks since my BPD BF went to completely no contact. It’s been so hard to live through. I read this blog over and over when I feel like reaching out.
    ​We met at work. We had actually worked together in the same department for a year and have never noticed him much before. One day out of the blue he asked what I was doing that weekend and it happened that I was going to see an obscure movie that he also enjoyed. The following Monday the emails began and I didn’t know what the heck hit me. I thought I met my soul mate. We seemed to love the same things and would he shower me with compliments. (Now I know this is what is called mirroring) I am the rescuer/ fixer type. I have been my whole life (something I’m working on). He has so many sad stories. His thought his mother was Bipolar and neglected him but was over bearing at the same time. His father died during his high school years. He moved all over the U.S. to get away from his problems and had many many different jobs. I foolishly ignored that big stay away sign. I wanted to help him be happy. (lol yeah I know now that’s darn near impossible for an untreated BPD) We would have loads of fun going out of town. The best part was the long car rides, talking and laughing) but it did not take long before he let his rages take over. The very first time I don’t even remember what had happened all I remember is him calling and  telling me that if I wasn’t in it for the long run I shouldn’t creep myself into his life and to watch my back. I was numb. I, like a dumb @ss called him back and asked him what he meant by the threat. He responded with I didn’t mean anything I just knew it would push your button and you would call. (WTF!) It scared me to the point I told a friend that if anything happened to me to tell the police what he had said. And still I thought I could help him and stayed. ( I kick myself now for not leaving) I still thought he was my soul mate. We were really good together so I thought. I got him going to the gym with me and he started to feel better til one day he caught his arm in my elliptical machine. I apologized but apparently my apology wasn’t sincere enough or whatever. To me it was an innocent accident. It’s not like I maliciously tried to hurt him but he yelled and went stomping out. That was pretty much about the last time he went. He later told me he only went so we could be together more and talk. You cannot get a decent workout talking the whole time. But me not talking during it just made a huge fight. Everything was a fight over the smallest things. I called him out on emotional abuse and somehow turned it around on me. I dropped the subject. I eventually lost my sense of humor and opted to not talk so we didn’t fight. And yes I still freaking stayed. I was not going to abandon him like everyone else supposedly did. He finally went to the dr and one dr actually diagnosed him with BPD. I thought YES! finally he can get treatment. Wow was I way off. He took got his meds but refused group therapy. The meds seemed to work for a few weeks. But after I told him he seemed better he divulged that he really wasn’t taking them “and see I’m ok I don’t need them” I was very weary after that. I deep down knew this was never going to work so I guess I did pull away a little. We still talked and text all the time but I started to do things by myself more often and finding new hobbies. By this point he had stopped going with me out of town and doing things saying that it was really my thing not his. He had quietly resented how much money I spent on him and our outings. I thought I was showing him fun and happy experiences. I’m the type that shows how much I care by gifts. This is some deep buried issues from my dad but that’s another story.
    ​Then the $hit really hit the fan when work got stressful and he had to take stress leave. He got very depressed clingier than usual. I tried to be there as much as I could but the negativity all the time was draining. Nothing I said or did helped. He just layed in bed for days with food boxes everywhere.  I would clean up occasionally for him but he wouldn’t try to keep it up. Eventually he found another job and I got to say it was such a relief to not work together anymore. At this point what we had was gone but I stayed deeply in love with the guy I knew in the beginning. I told him that we couldn’t be lovers anymore because I was so tired of fighting. We remained friends for another year but the bad days out weighed the good 100x over. I stopped asking him to do things because he said no. He stopped asking me because he didn’t even think of asking me. When we did talk or hang out it was very dry and cordial. We were both walking on eggshells around each other. So it shouldn’t have been a surprise when he went completely no contact without telling me. I called and text asking why he was doing this and was told that I had him emotionally invested and left him like his mom. He said he can’t live a life with me in it because he can’t concentrate with me around. That really hurt. If I was abandoning him I would’ve hoofed it outtalk there a year ago. I know I should be glad he split me black completely but it’s been rough. I can’t go anywhere fun without wanting to text him and send pics. I’ve wanted to reach out but I’m not going to. I should invest in Kleenex as much as I cry. I made a long list of all the things he did and some how I still only remember the good times. What’s wrong with me?! ~ Kitty

    • savorydish said

      Hey Kitty,

      Borderlines have a tough time being just friends. They need all or nothing. They are filling a void that can’t be filled. They need someone to be their soulmate. If you are not 110% committed to a relationship (which is impossible) they will look elsewhere. It’s time to ask yourself why you look for people with this trait. For that you need to look into your past.

  45. bt said

    This site is unbelievable. For almost 2 years I have been on an emotional rollercoaster with someone that for 2 years prior I thought was the sweetest living soul.

    So much of this rings true. The out of nowhere b.s, the emotional stain it leaves and the constant push – pull. I can honestly say we must have broken up 6 times. Sometimes for a month at a time. Always her decision when she has blantantly done something wrong. I feel a total fool for apologising for things I never did. This time it has been just over a month because I finally put my foot down the last time she “left” by taking a few, not all, of her items from my house. You know the “foot back in the door” type thing after another one of her irrational outbursts over something she did. The only contact I have had was to return eachothers items, before that I did not respond to her, and after dropping the items I was texted asking if we were finished?? Its like the moment you put your foot down and show they don’t control you they run scared. Its extremely passive aggresive.

    I could type a book on the incidents but to name a few

    – a trivial argument where she decided to leave (probably for the hundreth time….. that week HAHA) . I go out to her car and she says she is leaving, I walk off and she asks if I’m just going to leave her there. As I walk up my drive way she stops at the end and yells out the window for me to go screw the prostitute around the corner?……. I DO NOT live in a red light district. Nor would I ever entertain the prospect of paying for sex.

    – being told that she didn’t have time to talk the day I found out my dad had cancer….. but argued with me for the next 20 mins after I said it was b.s. She turned up the next day and broke up with me.

    – finding her walking up a main road at 1:30 a.m in heavy fog with headphones on. Apparently she just needed a walk and I was stupid for thinking it was a lil dangerous…. isn’t that how some porn films start???

    – sitting in my bedroom completely downgrading me and saying she didn’t have to leave when I asked her to. In contrast to a time I agreed with her about something at her home and she blew up and told me to leave?

    Almost everything you guys have written I can relate to. The lies, manipulation, control, mood swings, deceit. I basically never saw her friends, probably because she canned me so badly after break ups that it would be silly to have me around. She could change any situation, could be the best fiction writer out there. I also found her to be extremely jealous. I couldn’t as much as say hello to a girl serving me at a supermarket but she could leave me waiting for her outside a toilet for hlf an hr only to be found outside chatting to random guys at a party. Also sex was bizarre. Sometimes there would be so much that I thought id become impotent from over use, then all of a sudden if I as much as made a slight sexual remark I was a sex crazed pig?? Total inconsistancy on all levels and lots of projection as well. If she was in a foul mood somehow it meant I was??

    All my friends thought I over exagerated about situations until one night we all went to a concert and they got more of a show than they payed for. EVERYONE got ignored for a txt msg I sent her which got misread. I was ignored for 3 days leading into this concert which she got the tickets for my birthday. This then turned into a screaming match at the concert where she just cut lose……. then burst into tears when my closest friend calmly stepped in to say she was treating me poorly. F***ing saint of a man defusing that situation.

    It has really messed me up. Its at the point where I wonder what was truth and what was b.s. Its been just under a week since I delivered her things to her. Aside from the txt afterwards I have not heard anything. I sit and wonder what the next hit will be as I believe there will be one eventually if the past proves correct. I remember after one break up I set up a new facebook, as I had previously deactivated the one with her on it, which she found…. she obviously searched me…. which is a lil stalkerish. She tried to hoover me this time by saying she would come here to get her things cos she “wouldn’t be home”. I’m sure you guys get the situation.

    The saddest part is the 2yrs we knew eachother before the r.s. It was a friendship I truly valued and I should have kept my “don’t date friends” quality. I guess now I just wait and see how it plays out. I’ve thought its over in the past and its flipped back but this time I have gone n.c aside from the necessary reply to hand the stuff back. I don’t have facebook, nothing. I’m as good as dead. Its only been a week since the last contact, and as I always say, the past is the greatest indicator of the future…….. Close the windows, lock the doors and put the car in the driveway.

    Hold tough people.

    – bt

    • bt said

      What I forgot to write is that I worry about her as she is only 20. If she could make me out to be a horrible person I worry what will happen if she does meet a nasty person. I have experienced times where she will say someone is nice but I would rate them as seedy, sleazy and trouble. But then again, I assume that would fill the need for drama…….. victim has to be victimized. Sad but true.

  46. tminus3 said

    Your website has been healing to me. Thank you for that. My ex girlfriend just split me black on Father’s Day and she’s gone. Sadly I find out she is dating somebody else within a week (probably a lot longer than that) and has completely moved on. Its pointless to really get into the story of the relationship, because this website is full of that same pattern repeating itself.

    This has been an incredibly eye opening time in my life when it comes to understanding what my “issues” are. My need for appreciation, acceptance and validation. I seek people that will appreciate me for what I believe are my best qualities and when you meet a BPD, oh boy… you have found your drug! So now my journey begins to heal and to fix me, so I can spot a healthier partner when the time is right.

    If you are an emotionally healthy person, the red flags are so easy to spot. But for someone like me that engages a BPD and gets involved, those red flags actually look like SOS flags. They represent opportunity for me to help and rescue this person. So in some sick way, the more the merrier, because I can really help this person. And the way they are idealizing me, they must really appreciate all the help I am giving them. wow… talk about lying to yourself.

    • savorydish said

      Glad to hear it helped and welcome, Tminus3.

      You totally get it. So I have no doubt you are well on your way to recovery. Good luck.

      • p said

        i am completely blown away by this website, i became friends with a social worker(we were adopting ), she was my adopted daughters social worker. We became really close friends she even stayed over risking her job, but she made me feel so special and that i was worth it. Her true colours came to light when she nearly messed up the adoption in court because she didn’t do her job properly and put our friendship before the case,

        in saying her true colours came to light then, i think all along i knew something wasn’t right with the relationship. Like all the others she would blow hot and cold, all over me one minute and then the dreaded silent treatment, I used to get the silent treatment and then some dramatic family dilemma was always the reason. I even questioned my sexuality at one point because we became so close and i would miss her all the time.

        i would spoil her because she implied she had never been treated special in all her life, coming from an abused family and claimed her brother abused her son etc. i wanted to be a friend an help her. Yes i had my issues from my childhood and even went to therapy cos she messed with my head so much. I realised in therapy how emotionally stable i was and that i was manipulated by who i thought now was my bf. she claimed i was her soul mate bought me a gift which said best friends forever and never heard from her again. She blocked me on fb, changed her phone number at home and at work and refused to answer my e mails when i challenged her. biggest mistake that was.

        We are now in week 3 of the silent treatment and even though logic and reason tells me yes i am so much better off without her i still miss her like crazy. i know she was a manipulator and no good for me and i deserve and have so much better, but i still miss her. Day by day its getting easier but it still feels something is missing but have no idea what.

        i don’t think i am the first person this has happened to and i am sure i won’t be the last, what i will never understand about myself is i am emotionally stable enough to see through the manipulation, yet still miss her.

        i have decided and resolved never to re engage but i don’t think she will ever contact me again. I just wish it was easier than this to walk away.

      • savorydish said

        Don’t be so hard on yourself. Borderlines are masters at creating unbreakable bonds. They tug at your heart-strings. They make you feel loved and needed. Who doesn’t want that? She claimed you were her “soul mate”. She reeled you in only to spit you out. And then she blocked you out completely. This is a total head-fuck. This is ABUSE. The worst kind. It doesn’t leaves visible scars, but any therapist will tell you the scars are there. You will get over her. It won’t be easy. But you will.

        Best of luck, SD.

  47. Airbornedoc said

    I was married to a borderline. It’s been ten years since we divorced and my sons and i still have nightmares, I still stay ready to defend myself and children. And she still takes me to court as often as she can, including now.

  48. Ewa said

    Thank you for all the comments here, I myself am diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, but has never been in a state of denial.
    Reading such forums and blogs really makes me realize how much it can be painful for somebody who was in a relationship with sb with this horrible disorder, as I’ve been always focused on my feelings only. For all of you who wonder if it’s real that we can love somebody the answer is no, because that person simply becomes our ’emotional container’. But the feelings are real! I was thinking how to explain it to somebody who cannot comprehend such a contradiction, and there’s one comparision that crossed my mind. I remind myself when me and my brother were watching the movie ‘ring’ at night when a phone called; it was kinda scaring, everybody who likes horror movies should understand that. After watching that horror movie we are usually afraid of falling asleep or going to a toilet at night, even though we rationally know that is ridicilous. Well, that’s actually how our whole life look like. Borderline in denial doesn’t understand that their thoughts are extremely distorted (it’s obvious, we lived like that for the whole life, it’s a bit schizofrenic to find out one day that all of how you percieve this world is actually NOT REAL), that’s why it doesn’t really make ANY sense at all to stay in such a relationship, because there’s no way to find any way of communication.

    I’m sorry for all of you who were hurt in your relationship, I know it doesn’t help much to cope with your feelings, even if you know that your partner is ill, but maybe trying to think that we feel exactly the same after being ‘abandoned’ would help.

    I did it recently, all of what you are talking about on here, cut somebody out of my life by deleting him from FB/skype (I was in one of my down/high periods after quite a calm year), but I didn’t do it because I wanted him to suffer or anything like that – at least not at that point. I did it because I felt abandonded, rejected, betrayed and hurted as much as you cannot probably even imagine and because I couldn’t stand those feelings in any way. A lot of time passed but I still feel the way I did at the time, that’s why I’m not trying to contact him again.
    Also I’m not trying to make any excuses for our behaviour right now but to explain how it works in our minds. All of what you write here is amazingly helpful and also helps me to understand why he behaved the way he did toward me – I absolutely couldn’t understand it because in my mind I was the only one hurted. Bizzare, isn’t it? 🙂

    So keep taking care for yourself guys, keep working hard on your issues not to get into that drama anymore and make the same mistakes 🙂 Wish you all good luck with that!

    • Fella said

      Thank you for sharing! It truly gives some insight and a little closure to a very difficult situation for everyone involved!

    • kiwigal007 said

      Thank you for being so honest Ewa. I have shared my message below here. The BPD man I was with cut me out of his Skype but he still has me on his mobile and Gmail. I know this because he had some mail of his sent here and I needed to contact him to see if he wanted it forwarded up to him or bin it. I also still see him come online onto my Gmail.

      He has never said hello but I noticed one day that when I set myself to ‘invisible’ mode he came on and then went off again after a short period noticing I wasnt there perhaps..Then when I had to contact him regarding something else awhile back I asked how he was, what he was up to after he asked how I was and if I was groovy’? I replied and told him what I was doing and he never had the kindness to say how things were in his camp. Its where I see a narc in him and he plays mind games so after I did not hear back I sent a text back saying ‘Can the mind games C, I am not up for it. I was only asking what you were up to and all that. If you cannot even respond to that, I cannot be bothered. Its pretty childish if you ask me’. Suffice to say I have never heard back.

  49. kiwigal007 said

    Hi savorydish 🙂 I stumbled on your site last night after I was doing a wee bit of reading on the side (I have gone back to study) and I can appreciate this post so well. For the last six years I totally devoted myself to a man I thought was going to be the one. He is smart, gifted and pressed all the ‘right’ buttons for me and at first things were great for a spell. But overtime that honeymoon period started to get a wee bit shaky and I found he could not cope with many of those life issues we all go through.

    Here he was 13 years older than me and I had to battle on alone and I knew after I miscarried that something seriously was not right. Sadly he has never been diagnosed but I know he has BPD. He would go into terrible rages that he could not explain for the most trival of things and he often made me feel like I was the one who had the problems because I wanted to talk about my feelings. In many ways he was very narcissistic but at the same time he could change in an instant and could be very adorable the next. Suffice to say I was starting to walk on eggshells. 😦

    Right now he has found an old flame again and has started to see her, it crushes me to think he is on with someone so soon after he told me he did not want or need a relationship right now. He still has me on his Gmail account and mobile as I see him ‘pop’ up whenever I am online but I cannot help but think he will try and come back one day especially when his old (new) flame works him out. They havent seen each other since High school so I should imagine he will do all sorts to win her over. I could say more but I have a blog- feel free to come in and say hi too as I am enjoying yours thus far:-) http://www.helpmeamigoingcrazy.blogspot.com
    How long did your BPD relationship last with the woman you dated?
    Best wishes from Kiwiland.

    • savorydish said

      Only eight months, but it seemed longer. I realized it felt longer because all my ex’s were the same personality. I was repeating the past. The devastation I felt was a cumulative effect from years spent with troubled women.

      • rstolk said

        I can relate to all of the posts here at savordish! I got divorced from my ex-BPD wife, but she still tried to hoover me back in. I finally found out that she just did that to stay on my health insurance at my expense of $753.00/mo. I finally took her off my insurance because she works for an HMO as an RN and can get her insurance for free. She just didn’t want them to know that she was getting 180 vicodin/mo on my insurance. She is also a compulsive gambler and is broke every month on a $90,000.00/year salary. She has a 14 year old and is transfering her borderline disorder to her child. As soon as I took them off my insurance she called and told me not to call her anymore. I said don’t worry I wont! LOL

        Now, I can say that she was a gift because with all the knowledge I acquired reading about the disorders I diagnosed myself.and found out about my disorders. I now understand very clearly why I am attracted to and attract these type of women. I am now on my way to healing and will never hook up with a damsil in distress again! I want to say thank you for this site, and I wish all that have posted here Godspeed and a fast and complete recovery from the pain these women have inflicted on us.

        Godspeed,
        Bob
        p.s She entered therapy, but I can’t wait 7 years for her to get better. Besides, she may never get better, but I will pray she does for her and her daughter’s sake!

      • savorydish said

        It took a while but I learned a lot about myself as well. It is a gift to finally realize there is a name for what has plagued me most my adult life.

      • rstolk said

        savorydish, At age 13 I told myself that none of the disfunction within my family would ever affect me in my adult years. Boy, was I wrong! I am so fortunate to have been born with the wisdom to see and learrn from my misfortunate relationship with a disordered person to know that I will never allow it to happen again. I am also glad to have a personality to forgive her in the future, but never again will I allow this to happen again!

  50. kiwigal007 said

    I hope that things have gotten better for you since then savorydish. I know for me I am not interested in looking for another person for awhile and while I am studying (and working at the same time) I have other things to occupy my mind. I am sorry that you made the same mistakes. I wondered about this myself and whether I was attracting the same sort of person into my life again too. Right now I am focusing on me and it feels a bit odd but hey it is worth it and its about time too as I have often put others before myself. I guess a healthy bit of narcissism is good every so often.

  51. kiwigal007 said

    rstolk, sorry I forgot to mention you. Good on you for moving forward. I am sorry to hear about your experiences like savorydish. A big hug to you both from here.

    • rstolk said

      kiwigal007, Thanks for the good wishes! I am healing well. slow, but that’s only because i miss the hopes and wishes they tend to make you believe. I knew that by taking their insurance away she would paint me black as can be. This may seem selfesh, but so be it. I asked her many times to help me by getting her own free (company paid) insurance, and I would save as much of that money for a better future for the both of us. This cry for help only fell on deaf ears. She had the nerve to call me and asked if I had slept with anyone while we were apart because she feels sick and has no insurance. I had a hard time not laughing my butt off because it was 2 years ago she was talking about. I just said she knows the answer to that, and I was sure that she slept with someone when we were apart, then I asked her to just leave me the fu*# alone. The next day she emails me and wrote: FYI, that her daughter was admitted to the hospital with or without insurance. Have a nice day! I wrote back and said: Grow up! You’re 48 years old now remember? I still held empathy, but could no longer be responsible for her bad choices in life. We have been no contact for three weeks now, and intend to keep it that way. I will never truly understand these people even with all the education I gave myself, and I don’t intend to ever try! I wish you the very best solving your problems being with a disordered person, and that you find the happiness you deserve! We all here deserve that happiness. And, like savorydish having his ordeal with a disordered person started this website to help all people like us. I take off my hat to you savorydish, and wish you the best and thank you immensely for your insight and knowledge I gained through your experiences!

      Godspeed,
      Bob

      • kiwigal007 said

        Hi Bob!
        Thank you for your message. What a cheek… your ex BPD, I do not think I could look at myself if I did something like that to someone. Good on you for telling her to grow up, I found an article that I posted to my own blog yesterday about how these people are like children but they are trapped in an adults body, it is sad to think of them like that but I can relate to it as this guy could be very childlike when he wanted to be. You are so right they are responsible for their own actions and as they say “every action has a reaction”. I have not seen ‘my guy’ since Christmas Eve last year and when he dropped his bombshell, he emailed me rather than coming down to see me or phoning me. I often felt that he enjoyed our time online better than offline as I have many a chat on my Gmail of us two talking. Gosh I talk about heaps! Savorydish I too like your site, its great to hear a males perspective on things. Although I know that I am dealing with a male that possibly has BPD is refreshing to read this page. I subscribe to another male bloggers page too and its all very helpful. Bob, have you read Romeo’s bleeding before? It is an article written by an M.D called Roger Melton. I read it and was absolutely blown away on how accurate he was in terms of my own relationship. Although it is written for those who have had a male BPD in their lives, replace ‘he’ with ‘she’ and see what you think of this. Best wishes once again to you both from here in NZ!
        http://www.sott.net/articles/show/149774-Romeo-s-Bleeding-When-Mr-Right-Turns-Out-To-Be-Mr-Wrong

      • rstolk said

        kiwigal007, Thanks for the reply and article! I will read it and let you know what I think. Boy, I wish I could be there in NZ. I hear it is beautiful there. I envy you.

        Best Wishes,
        Bob

      • kiwigal007 said

        Hi Bob! Thank you re my country!! 🙂 Yes it is lovely here, I guess that is why they often call this place ‘Godzone’. I live not far from Hobbiton (which is actually a town called Matamata pronounced as matter-matter) where my parents live, its rather expensive to go to the movie set but from what I have been told its very good now, awhile ago it was just a few ‘holes’ in the ground but things have apparently improved since then.

        Feel free to come and visit me at my blog and say hello (just click on my name in here) as I have also put up another article this weekend. I enjoyed Romeo’s Bleeding though as it pretty much hit the nail on the head for me in terms of all this stuff. Initally I thought maybe this guy may have Aspergers or Autsim. Then I could def see that he had shades of narcissism and then as I read on and into a bit more I discovered Romeo’s Bleeding just before his birthday in July so it was kind of like a gift to myself reading that as I was so shocked on how accurate things were for me. It may or may not be of use to you, but I was thrilled to realise that things were not about me after that and thats the thing, these people do that to us.. thinking its all about us!!! Grrrr!!:-(

        Best wishes from here! 🙂

  52. Kari@averagerunner.net said

    Found this site and boy did it hit home. 3 months removed from a BPD GF. It’s been hard to realize that she really was sick. Our relationship was a constant struggle and constant drama. There was never stability now that I look back.

    And deep down, i still think she had a great heart but she’d been let down by so many men and cheated on by her ex.

    A couple of months in she got neverous and developed lesbian feelings for her horse trainer. Who she’d had feelings for off and on. I. Stuck with her because she told she was scared. But the drama never stopped. And it wasn’t just me. There was a best friend that one day she needed in her life and the next she couldn’t stand having in her life.

    Her family was constant drama as well. Sister and brother than were potheads…yeah she too had issues with pot and alcohol.

    When it finally ended I was just drained. It had been such a struggle and took so much work. She did that whole thing of putting me on pedestal…told me I was the first one to really see behind her wall. Then at the end I was the weakest man on earth and she never had a wall.

    To be honest, I really think her self-esteem was shot beyond repair. She still had problems w the ex hubby. The weekend we split, when I really became aware we were dropping her daughter off at the ex’s and she made a deragatory comment about the ex to the daughter. I knew in that moment it was done.

    So many promises unfulfilled. I look back and rarely ever did she follow through on things she said. I feel bad for her and still hurt. I loved her and her daughter and our kids seemed to want a life together. But she couldn’t do it. No matter what I did, it would never have been good enough. I can’t say for sure, but I don’t think any man ever will be good enough.

  53. Matthew said

    I was in a relationship for 5 years. In her “mind” she had been wanting me to leave for 3 years. When I didn’t get the message she filed a restraining order. Then she re-cycled me for 4 months while under the order. At the same time telling lies to everyone that I was stalking/harassing her.

    She’d accuse me one week of wanting to kill her then invite me to church the following Sunday.

    After 4 months of this I made a big mistake – I tried to fight back because I wanted to make decisions for my own life. I tried joining the National Guard but they wouldn’t allow it under the restraining order. I asked her to drop it – wrong! She left a voicemail on my phone in June of her having sex with another man…sigh. She stole my dogs from me when we broke up and I made the mistake of going to our house, breaking in and taking them after I heard this voicemail.

    I spent 3 months in jail while they investigated her claims (which were proven false). Yet I’m still charged with a felony, lost my right to be a Nurse, my father died while I was in jail and not allowed to attend the funeral.

    Yes, she has issues, I have issues, but nothing warranted this kind of treatment.

    • human said

      Man I feel for you. I spent 1500 dollars on a lawyer to prevent her false restraining order charge. It went like this: she breaks up with me, I’m upset and send her a shitty though sarcastic text hours after the break-up. I then send a final message apologizing for any rash messages, and telling her to enjoy her summer & I hope she finds what she’s looking for. Two days later I am awoken by police knocking on my door, serving me a restraining order. She filed it no less than 9 hours after we broke up. During which time she claimed she felt threatened by me, and that I would hurt her, or post inappropriate vidoes/pictures of her/us on the internet.

      Her paragraphs of describing what a evil person I was was a shock to read, and her accusations were downright ludicrous. I surprised her by a.) respecting the wishes of the temporary restraining order b.) not contacting her or calling her back or texting her back despite her numerous attempts to get me to break the TRO and c.) getting a lawyer to defend my case. She had to, in front of a judge, in court, admit that her allegations were wrong, and that she lied.

      I recorded everything and kept tabs on whenever she tried to contact me, clearly demonstrating that if anyone was being threatened or harassed it was myself.

      And even then I still “took her back”. All the while her entire family believing I’m som abusive piece of shit, or whatever she spread about me to them.

      My name is Matthew too. I think Matthew’s in general have a thing for getting mixed up with batshit crazy women. I seriously notice on all the BPD sites the number of Matthew’s is ridiculously high.

      It’s uncanny, really. They all do the same fucking things to wreck peoples lives. They seem to only be happy when someone else is being destroyed by their abuse. It gives them some power whereby people who aren’t aware of their true nature praise them for their strength and pamper them with love and respect for standing up, you go girl! sort of thing.

      All the while the real victim is left in a jail cell, or barred from bettering their lives due to false allegations, accusations, and blame-game nonsense.

      I am so glad I didn’t listen to the police officers advice to just ignore the TRO and not go to court or get a lawyer, as he just brushed it off as nothing, though assumed that she was in the right, and I needed to respect this poor young womans fear of abuse from me, the farthest thing form an abusive person, who put up with her violence, verbal abuse, physical abuse, and just purely insane antics for years without the slightest judgement or complaint, beyond of course immediate reactions or establishing boundaries – always too late – because they know no bounds.

      In my mind, wielding a knife and threatening to stab your loved one or yourself because you didn’t get the ice cream you wanted while flailing madly in a burst of tears and accusations of projected chaos hours after professing your true love to someone is an obvious boundary-crossing behavior, and any sane reaction like harm prevention or perhaps even calling the authorities for help, as you fear for them and your life, is seen as abandonment to only make matters worse, blah blah

      Anyway these women have had terrible early life experiences, and often continue to have abusive relationships with family that further their problems, but it’s still no excuse for them to some how find every Matthew in the world and attempt destroy their lives and prospects for a happy life.

      It’s disturbing differently they behave with new partners too. Like any hint of their Self in relation to you is a ghost, and they take on an entirely new persona that matches their new target. And they are fine being fuck-buddies, in fact, in my experience, the relationship with the BPD improves as it becomes less of a relationship. Like when we weren’t together we were closer than when we were “together”. If I broke up with her, that next week would guaranteed bring floods of attention, happiness, kindness, sex, intimacy, etc…and then if “giving it a try” as in being in a relationship came up, suddenly all the unicorns and rainbows turn into violence and hatred.

      Give them love & they give you blood, let them bleed and leave them for sanity and self-respect and they love you again like there’s no tomorrow.

  54. Jim said

    Reading these blogs makes me almost sick, Seems like i lost 4 years of my life to this woman. And nodding here I am blocked out of her life, of coursde i was never really in it to begin with

  55. Jim said

    i enjoy these blogs they are spot on all i can hope is she never comes back, but I made sure i was painted black, but unfolding her lies we will see.

  56. Jim said

    Ok Jim her again, was reading above someone states the owe an apology- I have read everywhere no contatc- no contact – and yes the way she treated me was beyond bad- but i see no way that she would ever apoligize. I doubt she would even admit to knowing me

  57. Jim said

    One other question maybe 2, why would a BPD woman lie about her grown children and why do they need all the control

    • savorydish said

      Depends on how they were originally traumatized. If they were abused, they will have a over-developed sense of self-preservation. They will seek control as a means to protect themselves against further harm. Ironically, they also have side that is self-destructive.

  58. Jim said

    I can relate but this woamn was 54 and had been married for 22 years

  59. M said

    hi everyone
    i ve read ur post (not again all the comments)
    i understand what this guy felt, because my story was similar.
    i fell in love for a border girl one year and half ago. at starting our relationship was gorgeous… now i m shame to tell this, but really i believed to have found my half.
    she spoke about holidays, family…life togheter. and i, stupidly, trusted her. i knew her from so few time…

    but after some months started first useless fights… she was so jelous… really i didnt understood her because my love was pure and total. terrible insults… and continuelly she disappeared without answered to my calls.
    and after again, she become cold.
    last evening i met her, i believed to have solved our issues. she cried, i kissed her…
    the day after, only an sms: “nothing is happened, simply i dont see u anymore”.
    this happened 7 months ago.
    i felt guilty, useless, shame, in fault… i started a therapy because i was destroyed.
    thanks to that, i undestood she is borderline, and I her cod.
    there were a lot of signs about this i didnt want to notice.
    i understood also my issues… because a cod is dameged as the border.

    but also now, after a lot of time, i havent forgotten her. is so easy for me remind ONLY the best times deleting the worses… i have to read continuelly stories like this to convince me she isnt my half. i ve met another girl… sweet and stable. and AGAIN i want my ex.
    this make me feel double shame and stupid.

    she didnt deleted me from fb (but i m not so happy about this). she deleted her profile, opening other two secret account (was easy for me find them) with very few friends. she continuelly posts and deletes item, photos (almost ever without her)… i dont think this behaviour is normal.
    sometimes i ve tried to send her some sms or write her. i know is an error. she answered me, cold and formal, but without permit any dialogue.

    the main problem in nons isnt world ‘s ignorance about bpd (as first comment tells)… but that fucking splitting process in non’s mind, who continually deleted bad times hiding truth…

    sorry for my poor english, i m not from england…

  60. Jim said

    HEY SD, QUESTION AS SHE HAS BEEN GONE 18 months can i feel safe from her wrath ?

  61. snijbrands said

    Thanks for creating this blog – among other very helpfull blogs – for all those guys and girls that are left behind in shambles after being with a borderline disordered. I would like to share my story with you just for the sake of me writing it of my mind (sort of a therapeutical intervention) and for you to recognize and learn…… My story begins in april 2009 and it finally ended in december 2012…; 3 years and 8 months in which my BPD-love ended our relation three times and I took her back three times… We’re talking about me, a dutch man of 51 then (now 55) and she 42 then (now 46) an intelligent, bright, sexy mother of three children (2 girls and 1 boy of 4, 6 en 7 years then). It started as we all started: meeting via the internet datingsite, chatting for a couple of weeks (too many intimate details… and too much blaming her ex-hubby etc.)and then the first date at her house with immediate superhot sex! Then I got placed on the pedestal: texting, emailing, phoning etc. lovely weekends at different places when her children were with their daddy… after 3 weeks she declared her love for me and I was utterly shocked…..after 6 weeks we were talking about the love of our lifes, marriage, the works… I met her children in the summer after dating 3 months and the kids were immediately crazy about me.. I visited them on their holiday location and stayed 2 nights…. she was crying when I left.. she cried every time we left…. declaring how much she loved me and how empty her soul and bed were without me… Then her father died in october (after 6 months dating) and she changed…. I thought this was due to her grief… she then called in sick from her work for a couple of weeks in january 2010 and I thought “well, she must be in a sort of burnout situation”.. I invented all sorts of excuses for her distorted, shut-down phases. Meanwhile it became clear she couldn’t (and still can’t) manage her life with these three little and very demanding children.. it as always fulltime stress and chaos, many fights between the children, she yelling and swearing, throwing with stuff etc. I tried everything to help with her household and the education… but instead of being grateful or thankful she distanced herself more and more from me. We had our moments still, but they became fewer and fewer…. I felt left alone when I entered her house.She could hardly spare me a kiss or a hug. The sex was not lovemaking anymore but just plan lust to fullfill her needs. Her children were more loving to me … The first break up was on the exact date her father died…. october 5th 2010.. we didn’t see each other for a month. Out of the blue she didn’t feel a thing for me and it would be better if we both moved on without each other. Got together again… lots of promises to be more aware of good communication etc. blah, blah. and we went on till Valentine’s day 2012 same pattern, same non-reasons… for 4 days….together again till june. The holiday in Portugal with her kids was already booked and paid for ….. and then she ended our relationship by texting!! I didn’t believe her as I heard from her sister that this time she was really over and done with me…….and I visited her after a month.. she sat there, crying and sobbing, had gained a lot of weight, was infected with a sort of rash on her neck and head and obviously very unhappy and very distorted (is apathic an English word as well?) I left after stating my love and my plans for my own future (I was looking for a house to buy and made clear that a common future with living together and marriage was a non-topic for me for a long time coming…). At that time I visited my therapist because I wanted to know what the fuck is wrong with ME? After a few sessions it became clear for him, hearing my stories, that I’m not the problem… and he cautiously brought up the borderline thing. I’m in the education bussiness and two of my closest friends had mentioned this before.. but I did not take it seriously at that time. She went on holiday with her kids and they had a horrible time over there… when she was back I first got a text message and the day after I was called by the oldest daughter (10 years then) “can you please come to us, mummy can’t stop crying…..cos she misses you so much, we all miss you……”
    I returned…. for the last time and endured another 4 months in this abusive relationship… I got my last proof of her issues in those months in which it became clear to me what my issues are… I know I can really offer love, but I’m also loveable and I’ve started to address my love to myself now… I will not confuse love with addiction anymore and I won’t climb again into the dark catacombs of a seriously ill person … I pity her and I hope she finds out about her issues and starts to seek help, not for me (that’s too late) but for her own sake and the most important : for these poor children who walk on eggshells fulltime! I don’t think God reads internetblogs….but if so, there’s a job for you here!

      • snijbrands said

        Sometimes I can almost cry my heart out when I read the stories of other “victims”…. Sometimes I’m so angry about the pain I let my “love of my life” inflict on me, the physical and psychological damage that’s done, the fear of trust to ever love again … maybe these girls should have the word “borderline” tatooed on their forehead….

  62. Martin said

    I just got one advice for people dating women with BPD, that is RUN.FOR.YOUR.LIFE!
    Think about it yourself, would you trade the world for somebody who will just destroy your world and then dump you on the streets?
    Would you stay with a normal person who would cheat on you? I dont think so either, so dont fall on theyre web, its going to slowly kill you. Be a man, dont be a wuss when confronting such a woman, if they act in these manners, just dump them directly, they did perfectly well without you in theyre lives, you are just a number in theyre list of mates shes been with, it means nothing in the end.

  63. I just went through this with my ex boyfriend. This nearly ruined me! I went from maintaining a 4.0 in college to having to withdraw due to the torment that he inflicted upon me. To go from completely loved to total shut out and the silent treatment within a matter of days was the worst experience of my life. There is no explanation only rejection and blame. Months went by before I finally realized what had happened, he too began therapy and made promises. This helped so much, thank you!

  64. Shell said

    Hi SundyMundy and everyone. I too have been all through this with my former love. Its been a year ago since he ditched me for another woman and I am still picking up the pieces and trying to get my head around things. This blog and many other pages have been very beneficial to me knowing that this was not my fault and that I know that I was not to blame for the breakdown of my relationship. All the lies and the promises, the stress and the heartache I endured were all part of his ‘game’. He will continue to do this with his current supply until she ‘wakes up’ from it and sadly like you say there is no explanation for it. I am still recovering as I just said but I know that I am learning more about me now and what is important in my life. I am continuing to grow as a person and are making good progress. Naturally there are moments where I feel down and I miss what I thought was the man I loved. But this is normal and after 6 years I am sure it will heal. I just have to give myself time.

  65. Shell said

    Hi SundyMundy and everyone. I too have been all through this with my former love. Its been a year ago since he ditched me for another woman and I am still picking up the pieces and trying to get my head around things. This blog and many other pages have been very beneficial to me knowing that this was not my fault and that I know that I was not to blame for the breakdown of my relationship. All the lies and the promises, the stress and the heartache I endured were all part of his ‘game’. He will continue to do this with his current supply until she ‘wakes up’ from it and sadly like you say there is no explanation for it. I am still recovering as I just said but I know that I am learning more about me now and what is important in my life. I am continuing to grow as a person and are making good progress. Naturally there are moments where I feel down and I miss what I thought was the man I loved. But this is normal and after 6 years I am sure it will heal. I just have to give myself time.

  66. John said

    The band, Jo Jo Gunne, from the 70’s, may just have been singing to those in relationships with BPDs. The song, “Run, Run, Run.”

  67. Kassandra said

    I am a 29 yo with bpd. Ive never understood how some bps will bring you into their lives then dump you. Me I just assume all men are lying sacks of shit, I date them for money in a very honest, transactional fashion and I also like having one night stands. I dont even involve myself in this nonsense you all speak of. I think I may have used my dysfunction for my own profit. Smart lady I am. I do remember everything my adoptive father did to me, from beatings, cutting my hair off, near death drowning me in a pool, verbal abuse, humiliation, using me as a housemaid/ slave, only buying me things from goodwill while he had a brand new car, making me sleep on the floor, and my real dad molested me. My biological mom is a sweetheart but she was schizoaffective and couldnt raise me. Her family is very wealthy and could have taken me on, they didnt. They abandoned me. I therefore have superior genetics that I cannot seem to put to good use. I have tried therapy it hasnt worked. Im glad that I have found some peace by living the lifestyle

    • Kassandra said

      Continued….. that I live. Might I add I also had children with severe autism at a young age and after 8 years of trying to raise them, i couldnt handle the stress anymore and had to give them up. That has also added to my pain and trauma. Its like my life was unfairly meant to be void of love. If you need to leave a bp, leave. Dont worry about it we make it allright. And its not your fault. But dont hate us, we received enough of that growing up. But please dont worry about it bc we will likely just forget and we will be whoring at a club or someplace. We can disregard someone we love bc we had to do that to our own parent in order to survive. Good luck!

  68. Daniel Jablan said

    I just went through one of these.
    To cut a long story short (cause you know how they behave)… It was constant break up/makeup cycles, accusations, wild sex, intense fights, controlling behavior and watching her self medicate herself downwards…
    she told me I was the one and then just completely shut me out like I never existed. I feel very hurt after all the love and caring I put in her… I’m sure she was having an affair in the end. I now am afraid to love again… bpd relationships can kill your soul.. but do they care? No.. because they only care for themselves.

  69. Martin Hickey said

    Hey everyone,

    I recently broke up with my girlfriend, I happen to do my research and am feeling a connection to all of your stories. She attempted to harm herself and in the process stole things from my apartment without my knowledge (she had a key). She has things worth close to 10K, now she is telling me she does not have any of it, as well as she wont give me anything back. At the same time, shes texting me at 2am a few days out of the week telling me she “misses me”, “are you awake”, and “are you doing ok?”….. I know I am going to run away from her, but I want my money and things back. How can I go about doing this? I appreciate your help. I was a really great guy to her and from what she told me with her past (rape, incest, abuse), I don’t understand what is making her do this to me…. Thank you guys

    • savorydish said

      I’m sure you are a great guy, Martin. That is why she is sucking you dry. People who are abused go on to abuse others. They learned this behavior from early childhood. They don’t know any other way to treat loved ones. I can’t give you advice on how to get your stuff back. But it may be her way of holding on to you. Dangling your possessions in front of you so she has some power over you.

  70. k said

    This has just happened to me too sadly its taken till now to realise im better off without this person in my life. We started seeing each other a few months ago and after an amazing connection at the start and that instant feeling of knowing someone for years and things were going so well, he suddenly got the news of a returned form of cancer hed had almost a year ago and everything since then has been an absolute roller coaster ride.
    The cancellations the excusesm the feeling sorry for him self days iv had it all and from day one iv tried to be the most accomodating/caring and understanding person i could be offering support wherever i could because going through cancer is awful i know because my aunt is dying from it and another family member has just been diagnosed with it terminally.
    I likde the guy so much all i wanted to do was to make things in life that little bit easier by creating some allowances.
    In the last couple of weeks though things have started to really go pair shaped-he started randomly ignoring my calls and when i did it he would respond and come back making me think it takes me to ignore you to get your attention again – some strange kind of power play maybe whatever it was it was happening. He started to avoid awkward conversations about us then just this week he calls me a few nights ago to ask what iv been up to and after id mentioned i went to see a movie he cheekly asked/assumed i went on a date asking if it was a better date than our first date, was he nice… (i didnt go on a date i went with a friend) but what was it to him anyway? He hadnt been wanting to focus on a relationship with me so why would he care if i decided to move forward anyway he should understand my situation and respect me if i chose to do that. I asked why would he think that? and he said i dont know im just curious i guess. During this conversation tho we started to get onto where things were at with us and i mentioned how he asked me if i could fall in love with him and why he asked me that and he said he needed to know where he stood, My answer was guarded for obvious reasons i could fall in love with someone who i felt a soul mate connection to and that i enjoyed being with him, I mean how can you ask me that after the conversation we had last time. then mid conversation his phone cuts out (he mentioned earlier it was going to die as he didnt have his charger on him) but then nothing?? I called him the next day twice after id sent him a playful text about how we got cutoff from our chat and no reply to that either he completely ignored me his phone was off the first attempt (fair enough) and then the 2nd attempt it was switched back on again so there i was thinking did i miss something here?? Theres no excuse for not returning someones call especially when he called me to begin with. Out of curiosity i called his mobile from my land line (he wouldnt know it) to see if he was ignoring my number and in my face right there and then yes her was he answered straight away. I felt physically ill.

    I really liked this person and cared for him so much and honestly thought there couldve been a future for us even if it was just a friendship. He not only instilled some faith back into men for me but he showed me there are nice genuine honest ppl out there. Iv unfortunately been hurt badly before but this has got to be the most hurtful experience to date. The way he can just cut someone off without any explanantion its damaging and is a real blow to your heart.
    Im moving forward now with my life and surrounding myself with people that love and care for me but sometimes its the ppl that u least expect can still show you a toxic side that no one deserves.

  71. Z said

    Reading all these posts makes me realize I am not alone in my ordeal of ending a 2 year relationship with a BPD female. One thing I struggle with is “was there any truth” to the relationship at all? Which parts were fabricated and which (if any) were real? I’m at a point where I need my emotional side to play catch up with my rational side now that I’ve come to grips with what has transpired.

    Thanks to everyone for sharing their thoughts above, without this information I would have been lost. Peace to all.

  72. Getting better =) said

    Great site!! Oh do I see her here ..wow …For me it was 3 years of waste with my ex ..she was and seemed to be all I never had found.. ..but all she had was looks..very cute ..very good looking but a nut mean person! The bad part is..she thought she was so cute! Or did she? For her everything was make up..magazines fashion…looks..All I wanted was a person who share my love of wild life ..nature..care for animals.. ..etc A kind sweet loving companion to share the simple things in life.. she acted to be all that.. even became vegetarian like me… time passed she was controlling ..jealous..she owned me ..she thought, she did.. she played games.. I was only hers..the love of her life..don”t look at other girls” you are mine ” my life” I’m crazy for you” ah you get hook on so much love you think they have! I could write pages.. So much manipulation ..lies….but god forbid if you say you don’t trust ..or this could be a lie!” How can you distrust me! ” There was the days of abuse..she knew how to hurt like no one! they know all your pain and they use it against you! To make short ..I left her many times and she came back after me. she would never let me go..and I felt sorry she had no mom ..a bad abusive father …she lived with her grandmother …god knows what is real or if is all lies about the things that happen to her.. … Well 4 months ago I left for good..and never looked back… I blocked her..I left her in a nice way ( I knew I had to keep all nice ..she is nuts she hacked my msn once.) For 3 months she tired to get me back even with no eating and anorexia talks.,.then she would say ok. she acted like it was ok ” I don’t want this anymore too.”. .she has a youtube one she does not use .. has no friends, .out of my stupid curiosity, I entered just to find many comments. she knew I might look..stupid me! when she was with me she had nothing, could not get a better job she said no qualification blah blah always a poor thing… on the comm she found the best job! wow with no qualification a add company? ah maybe serving coffee =D But she had no money lived with family and now even a new apt all for herself! she posted all that ..I gave no reaction, then she was the happiest person finally she was complete! I gave no reaction, she would post more and more, then she was sure this new town was the place she was to have kids! ( she never wanted any) then I gave no reaction..On distant past I use to react and post right back something on my youtube..) not anymore..nothing. So she added make up video for a first date! Ok I knew it..new love ! Next day she posted about the “making love with another ” was hard to read..I care for this monster.. then I did not go back..but i failed and entered one more time there she posted this talk as if she was talking to him..”you enter my heart so fast! you make my dark days light up with your dark eyes looking at me.”. ..and more love crap..in 3 days from sex on the first date..she found love.!!.If is lies or true well ..she found love fast… super fast and good riddance…I want this person out of my system..out of my mind..I feel so messed up inside , , feel shame to tell others.. I feel angry and me I gave her things that matter to me..things that were mine..not for money value.. I feel stupid all I wanted was to be loved..and she does not even ache she is the most sarcastic person I ever met she laughs at you and enjoys if she thinks you are hurting over her..her ego is huge..so is her pride..she is either a sociopath narcissist with a lot of borderline..cos she has no empathy..she is spoiled ..extremely sarcastic not in a funny way! cynical.. extremely manipulative..I think she lies a lot and exaggerate things to be a victim , she is having fun with this posts about her new love . cos I think she thinks I look..I looked a few times but never again..I know she is a loony and she is dying for a reaction but for weeks since she post her talk to her new love ( funny she does not have “friends there to read ” she posts for me to read! ..but i never did it again..I am sure there is more details about the lover and I a sure she like a little sociopath posts he is better and she is now complete.. I know her..she is very vindictive and she is very insensitive and she did not like that i was sensitive ..she thinks is weakness ..her father said is weak to be dumb like that and to cry. well thing is she stalks me..I blocked her all over..she must be mad that i never reacted to her new job and new love..so 2 days ago she found a video on youtube I wrote something under and she post under as a reply..trying to engage me in..but i ignored! that is how she used to do..she comes back all polite the sweet then ..well they are no naive ..they do think the strategies! They don’t love! I wasted 3 years in lies.. sex was good ..but rest was ordinary..she was my boss..she own me she wanted me all for her..I was the love of her life..without me she prefer to die.. all that bah blah blah ..I am crazy for you..you are my life..
    ..me I was dumb and fell for that crap..so you can say I was lacking on self love..but then again it hurts to know this was all illusion..they cant love…so I was not loved..its ok.. she is a snake..no poor animals cant be compare to this liars! I feel used and dumb and so much shame..I do feel like my friends just say ..why you care..forget her..move on..” I don’t want her!!but is like they cast a spell on you and you think of them ..they are leeches!! blood suckers..clingy..manipulative ..I am getting better I am wide wake now..so I wont fall on her traps..she was the queen of traps.. Oh I see I am not alone!
    Thing is why the heck since she found new love she has to contact me or stalk things I comm on youtube?? why ..go be with your new love supply…they need is a source of supply for their ego..they are narcissists! Sociopaths!
    and she had a lot of Borderline too!
    Best luck to you all..
    thanks for reading..I still hurt over all..but she is trash!

  73. M said

    I’ve been grieving the loss of a relationship for a year, while he has moved on. Recently, I described several “incidents” in the relationship to my therapist who said that, in his 30 year experience, he would bet that this male was BPD. I read the list of 80 red flags (on Boomerang Love) and he has all but two (not a self harmer).

    I feel crazy when I type this. I simply could not see the flags or how insidious this was. Clearly, I have to check my issues, too.

    In June 2011 I was at a conference and met a guy and we mutually captured each other in terms of imagination and attention. I talked to him for some time and then (Aug 11) went across the country to see him. It was magical. The idealization after that visit was intoxicating. He came to see me in Oct 2011, still idealizing. I got texts a million, cards in the mail, and skype calls for hours. I went to see him in November 11, right before he had to go out of the country for 6 weeks. Skyping every night. Within two weeks of his departure, he stopped communicating. I reached out, told him it was my final time trying to contact him, and he responded with “sorry–but I am losing my connection to you and my head is spinning”. He said all the emotional communication was too much and that skyping was stupid. Well, that made mine spin as well. He started communicating again, though in texts, cards, and phone calls (no video).

    I went to see him in Jan 12, things were still o.k. I went back to see in Feb 12. Spent one week with him, left to go to some meetings for a few days, came back and he said his feelings had changed for me and that he was going to sleep with others and not feel guilty about it. He stormed out of the apt right after that and I searched for a plane ticket home. He came back after a few hours, I was in tears, and he told me he cared about me, blah blah. I left a few days later with texts and calls.

    In march 12 he came to see me and actually got mad at me over some stupid thing and shoved me off him while in bed. Did not acknowledge my presence as I laid there. Then, in the blink of a moment, he was back “in” as if it did not happen. I was stunned. Too stunned to process in that moment.

    Somehow, I ended up going across country to a near by city for the summer (May 12) to see if the relationship could work. He came and picked me up from airport. Spent 10 days with me. My mother fell gravely ill and I flew home to be with her. He called but just could not seem to understand the stress I was under with her illness. While home, I discovered he lied about his whereabouts (early June 12). When I called him on this lie, he called me the next day to tell me that he just did not feel the same for me anymore. After a long email on my part, he decided to give a second chance.

    He left the country again and traveled for work for a month. Then, in July 12 came back to visit me over an emotionally abusive weekend. He brought his narcissistic roommate with him that weekend. I could tell some funny stories about that abuse. Crazy. Totally oblivious to this abuse, he came back to see me again 10 days later.

    I asked him why he came back to see me. His response? “I don’t know.”

    I had to return home to care for my mother (Aug 12).

    The entire time I knew him (1 year) he bemoaned his finances, job situation, and his roommate. Yet, in August he decided to stay with his roommate and get another roommate who is 21 (they are 33). During their move, I sent a couple of texts. He totally flipped out and told me I texted him too much in 24 hours that day and that it stressed him out. He did not contact me for 5 weeks–total shut down. I sent an email trying to understand what happened. Nothing. One day I got a cheap email telling me the relationship go to be too much and that he shut down b/c he needed a break and space from it all.

    In Dec 12 I sent him an email telling him how abusive the relationship was. He immediately responded with “I’m sorry, I did not know, I inherited my dad’s mental illness” and with promises to respond. He never did respond. He just went on dating someone else. She is long distance, too—-interesting–one of the reasons he told me he could not be with me–I was too far away. She’s not, apparently.

    So,here we are one year later. I’m stuck and he has moved on.

    I did not experience the crying and begging to get back together. I only experienced the constant wanting to leave.

    I am beginning to understand that he probably felt awful with me: my career and finances are stable, I am not a frequent user of alcohol, (he had two DUI’s years ago) etc. These were things he tried to hide–but could not after a while. In fact, I paid for most things. I always was consulted for advice that he never took (fine, but stop asking).

    I would send a simple text like “how was your day”/ “what did you do” that would be seen as interrogative or smothering.

    He always changed the rules on me–without telling me the new rules. I only discovered them after violating them and being punished.

    It was crazy. And yet, I, like many here am stuck.

    • M said

      I’m replying to myself to add that he did move fast in the idealization stage talking about the future, moving to be closer, etc.—but never ever said “love”. In fact, after idealization he would throw sand bagging comments like I don’t feel the same about you as you feel about me. Or, I am sorry you fell so hard for me. I never got that head over heels in love with you. But, I did get the–I am over the moon feeling with you from him. If he was falling in love he put the breaks on before going out of the country.

      • kiwigal007 said

        M from what you have described reminds me of the man that I was with for almost 6 years. There are so many things that I could say and so many things that I know dont add up. This man sounds like he was only into you when it was convenient with him and it was all on his terms, pretty much in the same way that my man was with me. I am still grieving, one year on after our break up. He actually emailed me rather than coming to me directly to say that he had met up with an old flame, naturally this devastated me as I truly loved him despite all his quirks and weird behaviour. But for you, take a step back from all of this and look at yourself now. Take care of your own needs and focus on giving yourself that love that you tried to give him. I am doing this and although you may feel slightly weird in doing it, it is the only way we can recover. The energies that you have poured into him were nothing to him and like you, my parents have gotten sick too and he didnt know how to really be there for me. If you want, feel free to come and say hi to me on my page. Its not about BPD but we can help each other. Be gentle with yourself.

  74. Chelsea said

    Wow I am glad I came across this site whilst googling BPD and remorse. I am recovering from what can only be described as an emotional roller coaster from a guy who I now know to be BPD. The red flags were there in the beginning but being naive in PD’s I ignored these warnings. Like a lot of you said, the idealisation is there in the beginning, I was his soulmate, buying a house, getting a dog going to take me overseas, buying a house together. Within weeks he was telling me that he was totally in love with me and thats when I started to fall for him. after about 4 months, he moved in with me. Wow, this is where it gets interesting. I knew that he was OCD, but this was taking the piss. At the time he was not working and I was. I came home to a kitchen stinking of bleach every day for 6 weeks. I never buy bleach, he was buying it in one gallon containers and using one in a day! needless to say my kitchen was spotless but this should have started to ring warning bells. all the washing was folded in symmetrical ways, all neatly lined up in the cupboard, even my underwear was neatly ironed and folded, oh dear lol. He would leave post it notes all over the house telling me he loved me. Then one afternoon in the pub, someone told him that my daughters boyfriend had called him not a very nice word. (bearing in mind her boyfriend had never met him at this point). He was annoyed, I would have been but then it would have rolled over me. We went back to my house, wow, I thought he was going to kill me with the knife. He was spitting and shouting all because of this remark said about him. I managed to difuse the situation and told him just to ignore her boyfriend and that he would not be welcome around my house. He wouldnt accept this, said this lad was dysfunctional and so was my daughter! Somehow he managed to turn me against my own daughter and support him. I cant believe to this day that I did that (my daughter and I are fine now all is forgotten). Anyway over the next several days he began to have serious stomach pains which worried me, I said I wanted to call the doctor, he said no. COuple of days later I came home from work to find that he had packed up and gone and left me a note saying he couldnt cope with being called names and ‘it was a nightmare that was only going to get worse’. Naturally I was devastasted. I couldnt believe that after declaring his undying love for me, he just packed up and went, was a coward too for not waiting for me to get home from work and face me. Anyway over the next few weeks, like the above cases, he won me around again and started to re-declare his love for me. Of course I fell for it, hook line and sinker. Then in March the week he was supposed to be moving back in with me, he telephoned and said ‘that he couldnt do committment and had doubts’ I am like WTF!. Ok Round 2 of being pulled and pushed. I in my anger sent him texts saying he was a loser and that I had done nothing wrong to warrant he way he treated me. His response was that HE was better than me and that I was the loser and that he had seen straight through me in that I was only after his money. Excuse me here, but it was me that had money not him, he was skint, he knew I had savings and owned my own house, whereas he had nothing. Round 3 starts again, the texts saying that he cared about me, still fancied me and all that. Naturally my barriers are back up now but still fell for him again. He is now saying that he may have cancer, now I am slightly hesitant in believing that in view of the other lies he has told. My head has been all over the place these past few months trying to understand what was wrong with me. NOw after reading up about BPD and finding this blog, I now realise there was NOTHING wrong me with me, it was HIM. As one last thing yesterday, I sent him an email saying that he needed to sort out his emotional issues as he could not go about trying to destroy people, whether this sinks in or not I dont know. I told him that I wished to move on and wished him well. I am now going to see a counsellor hoping that I can sort myself out and start believing in myself again after being so brainwashed for the past few months. Talk about being put through the ringer! I have my bad days and I have my good days. Today is a good day after finding this blog and realising its him thats sick, not me, so thank you 🙂

  75. Robert "Toerrishuman" said

    Wow, I posted on “Can a Borderline sustain a relationship.”,
    however I wanted contribute this to this one.

    When I broke up with my BPD ex-girlfriend I took her off my Facebook and changed my relationship status to single, I felt that since she was leaving I wanted a clean break, she then discovered what I had done and then started crying, which at the time I could not understand. To do one better than me, she deleted her entire Facebook account, I guess that was her way of getting back at me. Towards the end she wanted to remain friends, I asked her if we could still be intimate, her reply was no. (I now thank God for this, otherwise I would still be in hell) After she said no, I then told her that I cannot be your friend at this time. I later found out she had a new boyfriend already whom she met while she was with me. Once this was done, a few weeks later she took my oldest daughter shopping without my permission! I found out she ask my ex-wife for permission and she did not inform me. I felt so betrayed! I should mentioned that my ex-wife has some signs of BPD but more narcissistic traits, which is why she said yes. I informed my ex-wife that I wanted to flush our relationship down the toilet, which by the way is better now because I forgave her. To my surprise my ex-wife apologized which freaked me out as she still has not apologize for cheating and leaving me with my children 5 years ago but that is in the past which is why I divorced her, which I had to pay for but then again, what is your soul worth it? We agreed to a no contact policy with my ex-girlfriend and my children, which I am happy about. (co-parenting can work!) I should mention that I later found out that my ex-girlfriend was emotionally abusing my girls which I had no clue. Love with a BPD is blinding. I then informed my ex-girlfriend that she can no longer have any contact with my children, which she disagreed to. She informed me that she wanted to talk about it which I agreed to. Well after a month I heard nothing. It was at this time I needed closure for myself so I broke my no contact rule and send her an email which read like this.

    I forgive you, I hope one day you can forgive me. Good-bye Robert.

    You would not believe the malicious and threatening email I received back. It was so bad that I had to file a police report for my protection.

    I did not realize that I was crushing her games of performing the silent treatment on me. I was just doing what I felt was right for my sanity. I now understand that she had devalued me and dumped years before. I again thank God that she said no to me when I asked her to marry me, I most likely would be a shell of a man by now.

    I know the silent treatment hurts, but for me I see it as a blessing in disguise. It has been 4 months since I woke up and I have a sense of clarity now which I believe I would not have if I was still in her web of lies and belittling. I can understand now how some people can lose their jobs overcoming a BPD relationship, (the realization of waking up to an illusion and the true colors of your ex is the most painful experience I have ever enured) I was suborn and I will not do anything to put my children at risk, I must keeping making money to pay my mortgage, to buy food and clothes for my girls.

    Stay strong, there is a silver lining down the road. I do not know where I had the strength to do what I did but I am thankful. My favorite saying is, “When God gives you a gift, he wraps around a problem, the bigger the gift the bigger the problem.” Well to be honest I must have one hell of a gift to unwrap!

    I must confess I still miss my BPD ex-girlfriend, however knowing that I am protecting my children from this toxic person helps me sleep better at night. Knowing that my children will have a better shot at life than I did makes me feel like a super dad. Yes I was brought up with emotional abuse from my mom, who I think is BPD and NPD, my siblings were no better, they too abused me as well, I could go on but that is now in the past. I am addressing all those issues and more which is helping me with my healing.

    My survival mechanism kicked into high gear I guess or my love for my children but to be honest, it was the love for myself that must of shown through. I was tired of feeling beat up all the time, I wanted to be with someone that would love and support me physically, emotionally and mentally, I deserve this, this is what I always wanted and I believe it’s just my time now. Yes, it took me 47 years to get there but I am not complaining. I no longer want to beat myself up anymore.

    “Love happens when two people who are comfortable being alone share an experience together.”

    God bless Savory Dish and everyone who shared on these blogs. You are all a part of my process to becoming a better person for my children and for myself.

    “There are no victims, just volunteers.” Dr Phil.

    From gratitude. 🙂

  76. Robert "Toerrishuman" said

    Hi again everyone, I wanted to share with you I had a bit of slip today. Although my above post comes from my heart, I am not perfect, I still struggle. This afternoon I took my children to Costco shopping and all of a sudden I felt sad, depressed and sick. This was the first time in 4 years I have been to Costco with my children. I use to go all the time with my ex-girlfriend (we were together for 4 years), as it was always our shopping night. I cannot believe that Costco and my children would trigger memories of my ex-girlfriend. I believe the shopping trip reminded me of my ex, it also reminded me that I was not allowed to go to Costco with my children because my ex told me so. I cannot believe I was so weak that I would allow this to happen but I did. It was a beautiful day shopping with my girls but the memory of my ex kind of spoiled it for me.

    I still need a lot of work coming out of BPD relationship and everyday I do get better, it’s just sucks! You will be happy to know that my girls had no clue that their dad was off but deep in my heart I was hurting. I can only imagine if I bumped into her what that would of done to me. I guess the reason why I am sharing this story with you all is that keeping no contact with my ex is helping me so much with my healing. I look forward to the day the image of the illusion that she was the one for me will be erased from my memory.

    This site and all the stories has helped me so much. I am not alone and yes although I have a grasp on the logic of being in love with BPD person, my emotions and sanity has not caught up to it. I am still in pain, it just gets less and less as I go on living. I do know for the first time in my life doing things for me and just for me is something I have to get use to. After being co-dependent with low self-esteem and worthiness issues all my life, I am learning a new behavior, a new way of thinking for myself. As they say, “Rome was not build in a day.” I must not be so hard on myself, I am just shell shocked that I was in love with someone that was incapable of love. Yes, lesson learned, but what a bitter taste it has left me. I will survive because that is my nature. I would also mention that my children are resultant. Yes, I am sure they miss my ex-girlfriend but they are thrill now that I now spend more time with them and the best part, they do not see me walking on eggshells anymore.

    From gratitude. 🙂

    • Robert said

      You’ll be just fine Robert! Just keep up the NC. I’ve been where you are and know what you are going through! I’m getting better with every passing day of NC. It takes a long while, but the wait is sure worth it. Godspeed and don’t give up!!

      • Robert "Toerrishuman" said

        Thank you for your words of encouragement Robert, it means a lot to me. I have done another shift today, I use to think that I asked my abusive girlfriend to move out 4 months ago, I now rephrase that to, “I asked my borderline personality disorder girlfriend to move out.” After doing so much research in this behavior, I realize it was a no win scenario for me. For my ex, she believes that there is nothing wrong with her so getting help is out of the question, perhaps I would of loved the opportunity of sticking it out and making our relationship work, then again I have to ask myself, why would I put myself through this hell? I must be selfish for the first time in my life, I must have a loving and nurturing environment for myself so that I can be the best person and best father for my children.

        I do miss being in a relationship but I do not miss my ex-girlfriend. I am re-inventing myself now and it feels both scary and exciting for the first time in 20 years for me. I am modeling to my children that change is a part of life and they are seeing a lot of positive changes with me.

        Thank you again Robert, I am not alone and I will survive this transition!

        From gratitude. 🙂

      • Len Len said

        You will be ok I was with a girl diagnosed bpd we lost a child she broke my heart it was overnight just like that that she upped and left me I was totaly devestated it took alot to get over but I got there in the end through counseling and haveing the right people to talk to when I needed to my advice to anyone is to stear clear of haveing a relationship with someone who has bpd people with this condition are dysfuntional someone with dysfunctional emotions are not compatible with someone who is functional.my advice is stear clear.regards. len

      • Robert said

        Hi Robert, I have also missed the relationship, but not the woman! I didn’t have children with my ex, but took care of her daughter. The daughter ended up hating me because even though she always asked why her mother treats her mean with constant yelling and castigation, she had become tied to her mom due to Stockholm Syndrome. I suffered immense financial crippling. My ex devalued me because I was adverse to her pathological gambling and excessive spending due to her instant gratification addiction. I was also adverse to her taking 200 Vicodin/mo from my insurance plan at my cost of $750.00/mo. You could understand that she hovered me quite often after I told her to leave, so she could stay on my insurance plan even though she was a nurse and could have had her own plan for free at her work! Well, I pulled the plug and she left with no explanation or closure. Pure selfishness. It took me a long time to come to terms that I was used because she was so great at acting out the honeymoon phase. This is hardly the tip of the iceberg!!

        Like I said before, don’t give up because it does get better. This is the God’s honest truth!! I’m just starting to pool my friends back from this catastrophe!

      • Robert "Toerrishuman" said

        Thank you for sharing your story about your mother Robert, I believe my mother is BPD, 5 years ago when I was going through my divorce and address my past issues, I called my mom and forgave her for not protecting me when I was a child. Her reply was that children are not allowed to forgive their parents, she was so upset at me she would not speak to me for 3 months. This was very difficult for me as my wife left me and my children and I needed help being by myself but for some reason I did survive!

        Your definition of forgiveness really open up my eyes. I was forced to forgive my siblings however their behavior never changed. I can now understand how my perception of myself and the lack of boundaries was distorted. Ok, that was in the past and I am healing now.

        I just wanted let everyone know that I have shifted once again. I no longer look at myself being selfish asking my BDP ex-girlfriend to move out. I now realize that I did a healthy action by asking her to leave. Not being expose to the constant abuse has done my self-esteem a world of good, for myself and my children.

        I would also like to share with everyone that I now view myself as a SURVIVOR of a BDP relationship, not a victim. I will continue to grow and be the best person that God put me earth to be and I will surround myself with people that love me for me.

        I do realize the road to recovery is still a long one, however thanks to this site and everyone that has shared their stories, I feel that I am better prepared.

        From gratitude. 🙂

      • Robert said

        You’re a good man Robert! Don’t you ever forget that or have someone take that away from you!!

    • Snijbrands said

      Good for you! Keep up the good work………I am NC now for almost 8 months…it still hurts and she is in my dreams still every night and morning…..but believe me , it slowly gets better

      • Robert "Toerrishuman" said

        Thank you Sinijbrands! I still think of her, however I don’t believe I dream of her but never the less she is still in my thoughts. I have to try and replace images of her with happier memories, like my children being born, or them playing or my favorite, them smiling when I give them a hug. I am not use to being by myself than again 20 years ago I did not have a care in the world, I was just living life like a gypsy traveling the world.
        I was so full of wonder and possibilities and I am slowly returning to this. Just writing about this is making me smile right now.

        I will continue with my NC rule with her. There is no point in connecting with her, the person I fell in love with was an illusion, it was not real, it was all fake. I want to quit fooling myself, I want to wake up to reality of the real world, I want to be real.

        Thank you everyone for your love and support. I am forever in your debt.

        From gratitude. 🙂

      • Robert "toerrishuman" said

        I have to confess something everyone. I have noticed that every time I have aha moment, it is followed with depression. I understand that I fell in love with an illusion and I know I am on the right path, but I get so down on myself, I feel like throwing up. My neck becomes stiff and I have a hard time focusing. I feel like I am so full of B.S. I want to just throw in the towel. I get flash backs of all the red flags during the relationship that I choose to ignore. All the controlling traits, my ex talking and keeping in touch with all her past boyfriends, her planning her future without me, her threats of leaving me, her saying the word, “I” a lot, there was never a “we” mentioned and the worst, towards the end, making love to her was like making a love to a robot, despite all the wild sex stories she told me about all her one night stands.

        I am so tired, yes I know keeping a positive attitude helps me get out of my pity party, but my God, this is work!!! Thank you everyone for letting me vent. I am only human and this pain I am feeling I know will not last forever, I am just sick of it. I sometimes wish I could be just as cold as my ex and not feeling anything, then again if that was me, I would want to shoot myself. To never experience love would be a death sentence for me.

        I am so tired.

        From Gratitude. 🙂

      • Robert said

        Look Robert, this is all par for the course. If you don’t think that I or anyone else here didn’t or doesn’t feel of felt what you are going through, then you are sadly mistaken! I actually thought of suicide, but know that that is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. These women are what you can call: attention whores! They want your attention 24/7 which is impossible for any human to do! In the beginning they think of you as the perfect man that will give them the 24/7 attention, but when you fail and can’t understand where you failed they devalue you. They then begin their new quest for the next man they think will give the 24/7 attention and cater to their every whim. Impossible. The next guy will be devalued no matter how great of a person that next person may be! You had nothing to do with them devaluing you. They have a very serious personality defect that became too much of a habit for them! Unless they see the light and get the help they need, they will continue to be their same self that you experienced!

        Now, I’m sure you don’t want to be with someone like this. Sure it was great when they idealized you, but they can’t help falling back to their insecurities. Sounds surreal but so true. This is no game, and you have to force yourself to embrace and welcome the change. After my trauma of the relationship being over, I constantly went over all the WTF moments. I started eventually seeing my ex for what she truly was. I now see a picture of her and don’t see the outward beauty she has, but see the ugly person she became even though she is sick. She may be sick, but I nor anyone else except a professional therapist can help her, and that’s only if the woman wants to change because they always lose, period. Sure she may find someone that will put up with the abuse, but that’s exactly what it is abuse. I feel sorry for the next man, but that’s his problem now. If you want the abuse, then you will have to wallow in your own despair. I don’t think anyone enjoys abuse because that is what it is!

        I will tell you again that it does get better if you keep up the NC!!! Sit yourself down as much as possible and write down all the weird, abusive, mean and irrational stuff that she did while with you, and you will start to see the light. I did and it helped tremendously. I was on the verge of a mental breakdown, but I was sure glad I contemplated all of the WTF moments during my terrible ordeal with my ex nut case. I’m rooting for you Robert because you do sound like an intelligent man. Read as much as possible about Cluster B personality Disorder. Even if you have, read again and again until it hits home. I do because I still have my moments, but to read what I have read over and over soothes my anguish.

        Godspeed,
        Robert

      • Robert "toerrishuman" said

        Robert you just took me back in time. When I was growing up my siblings would abuse me, when I said something to my parents they would do nothing, they said I have to love my brothers and sister despite the abuse, they said we are family and we have to love one another, there were no boundaries, I could not protect myself, it was always my fault. The trauma and helplessness I felt back then just came back. I no longer want to be that scared child anymore, I am an adult, I am 47 years old, I have boundaries for the first time in my life, I know better, I forgive my parents and siblings, I no longer want to stay in the past, I am a man, I am a father.

        I was taught to forgive and forget, I believe I blocked out a lot of stuff from my past. I should embrace it and get it out of my system. Your suggestion about writing down all the WTF moments is something I have not done, so far I have written down all the positives since I told my ex to leave, however I have not written down all the abuse that I endured. Like you said if I do look at my list it will give me the kick in the ass I need when I am feeling down, plus it will remind me of who my ex-girlfriend really is, a mentally ill person.

        I deserve better and so do my children. Although I could not help myself for falling in love with my ex-girlfrend, at least I had to courage to walk away.

        “When you take money from a man, you take something from his wallet. When you take time from a man, you take a part of his life. Robert, I thank you for your time.”

        From gratitude. 🙂

      • Robert said

        Hi Robert, my mom was diagnosed with bipolar disorder before she passed away. The ups and downs of extreme love and then extreme emotional abuse was somewhat confusing! I thought, at 13, I would never be affected by this, but I was wrong. This childhood confusion probably attributes to me attracting these types of women. My mom cried at the end before passing, and said she was sorry because she never knew she had the disorder all her life. I definitely felt bad and still love her to this day, but that’s my mother and I forgive her. I can’t forgive my ex because forgiveness is a two way transaction where one accepts their ways as abuse and sincerely apologizes and shows they are willing to change thus giving us the comfort to forgive. I knew my mom was sincere, therefore I forgave her and will always love her.

        You will get to meet someone one day that will love you for who you really are. You also have the knowledge to walk away from those that show the red flags of an abusive personality. Good luck buddy. I know you are going to make it!!! Just remember, if you do anything rash I will find your gravestone and kick it! lol 47? I’m 61 and I am liking myself to the point where I don’t need a woman to make me happy anymore. if and when that special woman comes along, then that will be a special bonus toward my end. Get to know and love yourself! It really helps!

      • Robert "Toerrishuman" said

        Oops, my post was meant to be here. Please read the post above Sinijbrand. Thank again Robert.

      • Robert "Toerrishuman" said

        Hi everyone, especially to you Robert. I want to say thank you to you and Savory Dish in my healing of overcoming a BPD beak up. As I mention I am still working on myself everyday, however I wanted to share something that I wanted to do for everyone, especially us men who were blindside being in a relationship with a BPD woman.

        http://www.youtube.com/channel/UCEM-48bmpH6l_K1WAFR4ung

        I am openly and publicly sharing my healing and thoughts on YouTube with the world. This is my way of giving back to everyone that has helped me.

      • Robert said

        Hi Robert,

        Thank you very much for your sharing!! I most definitely appreciate it! I also hope you are doing better! I’m starting to interact with others in a happy manner that I thought I had lost. My self is coming back and I’m getting more and more excited. I hope your self is coming back also so you can live a better life without the stress and anxiety! Godspeed buddy!

      • Robert "Toerrishuman" said

        Thank again Robert, I am kind of having a mixed day today, I booked this week off as my ex-girlfriend always goes home for her birthday, I thought I would surprise her and informed her 6 months ago that I could go home with her. To my surprise she was angry at me and told me that I should of asked her. I was so confused. My friend who is a minster told me that the reason why she was so upset was that I was cutting into her fun time as all her booty call guys are located at her home town and I was going to messing up with her fun. I really did not want to hear that news, however looking back he was right.

        I am doing okay, each day gets better and I do thank Savory Dish for allowing me permission to post my YouTube channel. The motivation for that was, while I was on YouTube, I noticed a lot of videos made by women surviving a toxic relationship, but there were none made by men. I want to share with everyone, especially men, you are a survivor, it was not your fault, you can heal, you can learn, you can be the person you want to be and attract a partner that will love and accept you the way you are. I truly believe this and I do look forward to the day it happens to me but until then I want share, help and reach as many people as I can that you are not alone!

        From gratitude. 🙂

      • Robert "Toerrishuman" said

        Okay everyone, I am hoping you help me out. I discovered that my ex-girlfriend was friends on Facebook with my daughter. I asked my daughter to take her off her friend list, which she agreed to. She shared with me that it hurts her to stay in touch with her so she did not mind taking her off. When I watch her take her off account, I noticed that my ex-girlfriend still had pictures of us together, this made me sick. Although her status is single, she had pictures of us. (BTW: She does have a new boyfriend and I did not see pictures of him)

        I am thinking that she was hoping I would see them, well if this is the case, she is correct, however it scared me. As I mentioned on an earlier post, I delete every picture of her off my Facebook account when she left me.

        I will be fine, however I just don’t get it? I will not lose any sleep over this but like I said earlier, it freaked me out.

        I would appreciate your input to make sense of this but then again, I should just let it go.

        From gratitude. 🙂

      • Robert "Toerrishuman" said

        Hi everyone, I want you to know that I figured it out!

        I discovered that my ex-girlfriend, kept pictures of me that were on private setting. I went on Facebook and created a new account and saw the truth. To everyone she is single with no pictures of me, however her settings with my daughter she kept pictures of her and I together. I cannot believe she would do this to my daughter, this is a perfect example of BPD person keeping a false self.

        I am very happy that my daughter had no issue taking her off her friend list. I have now ensured that my ex-girlfriend has no contact with my family now.

        You can see how this situation cased me alarm, which further endorses my no contact rule. Please be strong and keep a no contact with your ex, they are mentally ill. You do not want to keep a person like this in your life.

        I also noticed that she took off all our mutual friends off her list as well. It does not surprise me that she lied to me about getting off Facebook. My whole relationship was a lie from day one. I am just grateful that I now have the clarity that I have and that my self-esteem is growing by the day.

        A beautiful thing my daughter shared with me as well. She mentioned to my that my ex-wife’s fiancee loves her like a daughter. My ex-girlfriend never loved my children like her own, she wanted to be their buddy. My children and I deserve better than this and when I explained this to my daughter she had a smile on her face. I will never settle for someone that lives life as an illusion. I want a partner that is real with themselves so that they can be real with me and my children. I am so happy now that I am continuing to protect myself and children from a person that is mentally ill. We are all safe now!

        From gratitude. 🙂

  77. kiwigal007 said

    Hi Bob, I tried to comment on your previous post on here but for some reason it did not go through. What you have described is perfectly normal and like you, I have gone through all these emotions but with a man. There are many unanswered questions about them you would love to know the answers to, you wonder what they are up to and whether they still think of you. All these are classic thoughts that still go through my mind one year after my almost 6 year relationship closed down.

    Take time to heal Bob as I know in myself I am far from ready to date again. I know that my ex partner is seeing an old flame and in time this will start to wither and get rather frustrating for her too. I never knew what exactly what was ‘wrong’ with the man I was with. Part of me thinks he was a narcissist, another thinks maybe psychopath, and then BPD. He never told me what he had but after reading many an article online, in a book, or in a blog like this I know for sure it was not me. So please be gentle with yourself Bob, really look after yourself and do not rush things when you need to make important decisions. I still struggle and have my good days and bad days.

    I sometimes wonder why he hung on to me as long as he did at times. Mine is a musician, a gifted talented man but he was like a live wire, was very moody, and aloof. Once I came to stay with him and he had some weed. It was actually a pleasure to be around him. He put on some lovely music, poured us our wine and actually started to open up to me. It was then I knew that I had a wee bit of a problem. To the outside world everyone saw him as a Mr Nice Guy who played in orchestras, to me he was insecure and didnt really know what he wanted out of life and would say that I was the only one (except for his daughter) who really knew him and I guess I did and thats probably what scared him away. But back to you Bob. I pray you look after number one now, enjoy this time you have on your own. Try getting back into those things you enjoyed before you met this woman and if you are feeling a little lonely, put on a nice shared dinner party with some real good friends.

    Hugs from NZ to you and to everyone on here. I appreciate this page from a man’s perspective and although I dated a man with a very serious condition, I know that he may never change, never be the person I thought he was. Maybe he may come back.. God only knows!

  78. BonBonJoJo said

    Yeah. Like many of you, I have a person (read: woman) with BPD traits in my life. I rejected her early advances, but she wore me down when I mistook her perseverance for true, heartfelt emotion.

    Since her and I had our wild, dramatic, romantic thing, she has hopped from one man to another per-year, always cutting the man off completely and fully (as far as I know), or them leaving her.

    Her and I? I figure we’ve lasted this long, because, unlike the other men she’s savaged, I’m a bit harder to hurt. That’s not to say she didn’t nearly destroy me. To be honest, I loved her more than any woman I’ve ever known. I still do, and she knows it. Knowing it, she probably needs it from me, in a perverse way, even though she has no intention of ever rebuiding whatever the hell it was we had.

    These days, we dip in and out of being friends, this woman and I. Close enough to keep up with each other’s addresses, phone numbers, and to send each other things. But distant enough for me to be unable to bridge that final, important, emotional gap. When I get too close, she’ll freeze me out. But if I ease off too much, she’ll start contacting me to draw me back in.

    She absolutely hates when I tell her I still care deeply about her, even though she has no other real friends.Yet in the next breath, will complain that I care too little, and hurt her feelings all the time. Sometimes, she’ll go out of her way to prove to me that she doesn’t need or care about me or anyone, then turn around and tell me about how few people like or care for her.

    Well, I care for her. And I’ve put myself out for her in ways that she admits no-one else has. But nothing will ever be good enough. She is an unhappy, lonely, confused woman and I don’t want to see her ruin herself, even if she’s almost there already.

    It’s devastating to watch someone you care about, wander aimlessly and destructively through life, wearing a perfect mask to cover it all up. She just won’t let me help her.

  79. jef galanzzi said

    First, thanks to Savory Dish for the is gem of a website! I have come to the end of the entries after reading them over a two week period. I came to the site in the late afternoon and its like going to free therapy! Hearing others stories makes me stronger. I share all the pain/grief etc with all here as well.
    I know a BPD about 25 years. We actually were involved at one point then remained friends as a typical BPD friendship. You all know. No need to repeat the drama. She is BPD and Ive been slowly withdrawing from her. Yes I know 25 years is a long time.
    The thing that kept me there for so many years and going was to this day (when there were the “good” days) there is really no other person I have this connection with. She knows what Im going to say and vice versa. I can talk to her about anything and feel very very comfortable with her than any person on Earth.
    Now that I am older I cannot rebound back from the abuse so Im actually happy when Im split black and do not feel guilty etc about anything I did. In the beggining, OMG, I felt so so bad about “what did I do”? but over the years, its like no big deal at all. There really was many many years where there were no issues with the friendship until there was money invlolved. Interestingly enough that was really the main area where there would be BPD like rants and rages.
    Anyways, Im very happy not to hear from her again at this point, the problem is gaining the strength to say no to any more contact. We discussed our boundaries and she agreed to a lot and things were fine however Im too old for walking on eggshells over EVERY thing that is said, done, texted etc.
    The most helpful reply I read on here was from “Ewa”, a BPD admitted by herself.
    She wrote:

    “I did it recently, all of what you are talking about on here, cut somebody out of my life by deleting him from FB/skype (I was in one of my down/high periods after quite a calm year), but I didn’t do it because I wanted him to suffer or anything like that – at least not at that point.”
    (BELOW is the KEY sentence that she wrote)
    “I did it because I felt abandonded, rejected, betrayed and hurted as much as you cannot probably even imagine and because I couldn’t stand those feelings in any way.”
    Theres no reason to say this issue was small or that issue was tiny for the BPD to react. You cant judge what you supposedly did wrong, theres no judging this as if they feel rejected, betrayed etc, thats it, you are out.
    As a NON BPD, I think of a time when someone REALLY betrayed me, not just BPD betrayal real true betrayal or rejection. And that pain is so intense. So I totally understand them by what Ewa wrote. She sums up the whole BPD concept in one sentence. Real betrayal is very painful so I do understand the BPDs feeling this but I dont want to be a part of the distortion of it.
    I suppose if their actions DO NOT bother me, which is really where this 25 yrs has led me to, I could continue on but Im really tired. I actually love the split black periods more now even though when we are together I feel like Im with the only person who truely understands my issues.
    But they are mine to work on, not hers. Im sure I will find a non BPD friend possibly with this really awesome connection but after 25 years, it hasnt happened yet. All I know is being around a BPD is not fun. I dunno, Im kinda like since I dont react or feel bad from them when they explode, can I just keep the friendship and just know they are ill and deal with it. When we talk, we talk.
    Is it possible to keep a BPD IF one doesnt react to their outrage with not the slightest feelings from it? (Which is where Im kinda at) It really doesnt bother me anymore that they rage on cause I know they are sick.
    I guess I have a lot of more healing to go thru and a still bit confused but Savory, this site is a start!.

    • savorydish said

      Thanks, Jef and good luck. Only you know what’s right for you.

      • jef galanzzi said

        Hi SD, welcome and thanks too. Yes you are right about knowing what is right. The mistake I made was ignoring the red flags 25yrs ago. Now its way harder to break away. At least I have learned about BPD from this wonderful site and can avoid another BPD in my life. ONE is enough! Thanks. Jef

  80. Chase said

    I am a borderline, but I am lucky to be with someone who has supported me all the way. Sometimes I think he has no emotions lol, but — he also isnt what I crave. I crave a mother figure – and so my dusted trail is a bunch of best friends that I have lashed out at or hurt in some way or another.

    Never think that we can just walk away so callously. Yes, I guess it is callous, but it is constantly in our mind. I personally was horrible in my teenage years matching every characteristic there was for borderline. However – in my young 30s, most of those symptoms seemed to go away. They came back, however in the upper 30s due to a lifechanging event and not dealing with the PTSD. It seems all the old feelings of emptiness and rage came back and — I was hot and cold. My children and husband never knew what to expect. Honestly the one who decided to seek help was me after my youngest son asked why I hated daddy and did I hate them, No child should think that way

    It is a struggle every day for me – and I am trying to enforce limits on myself as well as the limits my close friends and family put on me. I need love- I crave love – I crave emotional intimacy and I will suck you dry if there are no limits.

    Will I have this forever? I do not think so – as much of the feelings went away in my early 30s, but I am doing the best I can for it

    Do not hate the borderline – yes… they are doing awful to you – but the emptiness they feel — is ….hell on earth. In their own way, they know what they do to you is horrible and they punish themselves for it every day. Yeah most borderilines are very intelligent and their memory – well the conversations where they devalue you will go in their head over and over- and they will not let it go. So in other words, they are punishing themselves =/

    I hope the borderlines in your life is finally able to find peace — and can find some way out of the black/white area of their thinking

  81. jef galanzzi said

    I think the best comments I can learn from come from BPDs themselves. We all know what its like on the other side of the fence but when a true BPD person writes on here and shares their thoughts, feelings its sorta a gift as we get to really hear what its like because the ones in my life would NEVER utter a word about anything they are going thru when they black us out. However I question if a true BPD would even write anything on here.

  82. jef galanzzi said

    ask what?

  83. CeCe Lenox said

    Thead seems broken…I was answering as a borderline, to the question, that the most helpful answers or comments seem to be from the Borderline themselves if only they would answer…My response was of course we would answer, just ask us a question

  84. ty1985 said

    Ive been reading post after post and comment after comment. I too can relate to all these stories.its scary how it doesn’t matter which part of the world you are from, the outcome is always the same. My ex gf of 18 months im 99% sure had BPD. She said she felt empty and lonely, her overly unfair treatment of me when I did something small wrong.the “punishment NEVER fitted the crime “. Her blaming me for everything, the constant weekley break ups. All I did was try my best and be there for her. I think im a pretty laid back pesron and I do give my all in relationships. I just feel betrayed bcoz she mentioned she suffers from depression but there is Much more thete to be only diagnosed with depression .so its simple either she lied to me or shr hasnt been diagnosed properly. What hurts is the fact that its been 3 weeks since we broke up and she has shut me completely out of her life ie blocked me of facebook, deleted me from whatapp etc. She also gets her mother and sister to delete me too. My ex had a traumatic childhood , her father was all sorts of abusive and her mother did nothing to protect her and her sister. Her mother became addicted to sleeping tablets and just abandoned her to fend for herself against her father. Since those years the father got divorced and moved out. Now its a case of her mother is ” pussy footing” around my ex at home because she knows she was wrong to abandon my ex back then. Basically she now has no guidance nor knowing whats right from wrong. It feels like ive been ganged up against when all I did was love and care for her. Ive gathered from S.D that she must be using this hurt and pain from what her father and mother
    Have done and shes pushing it onto me! She has her psychology degree do she should be well vesred on mental disorders YET she feels she does not need help and she can basically ruin my life. I know how BPD sufferers can say that they dont meant it etc and that its not their fault. Unfortunately I feel it is their fault. She could go for therapy and make an effort to seek help. They break hearts , treat their closest ones shockingly and ruin lives. In my opinion they should not allow themselves to date UNTIL they can seek help and until they can be stable enough.

  85. ty1985 said

    Excuse the spelling. Im typing off my phone. What pisses me off is that she is so close and loving to her mother and hates me! When my exgf started a fight with me she would sob and cry literally like a 6 yr old ,then blame me and get “mommy” to fetch her . Why I ask???!! Her mother abandoned her for years whilst having become addicted to dleeping pills. How can she fo that to her own kid. Now im getting all the hurt and blame and her mom gets all the praise. Im sorry but its fu@#ed up!

  86. ty1985 said

    I would appreciate it if a Bpd and SD could share some advice on why this has happened and how I can move forward.

    • savorydish said

      Hey Ty,
      My advice is to remove yourself from the situation. You’re caught up in the drama. You need to distance yourself and give yourself time to recover. Until then you will not think clearly. Be well.
      SD

      • ty1985 said

        Thanks for replying SD. Its just very tough to remove myself. Even though she has completely kicked me out of her life, its left me so depressed. Its tough to bounce back when you have given everything only to get nothing but coldness and rejection in return. Esspecially for no apparent reason. Just figuring out how I can close these wounds and push on. Its only been 3 weeks I guess but I suppose the more I worry and and struggle the more power she has over me. Just tough cause when things were good they were GREAT.

      • savorydish said

        I know exactly how you feel.

        But now more than ever, it is vitally important that you give yourself reasons to leave. The good times will always be great. That is what keeps us in these relationships. To gather the motivation to leave, we must always remind ourselves of the bad times. This requires a little thought management. I maintain this blog to remind myself how bad things got.

        Your depression is keeping you there. You are using her to medicate your own wounds. Work on your depression and you will find it easier to leave.

  87. ty1985 said

    I see what you are saying. I will do my best. Thank you so much for this blog. Its is definitely helping me. It is so therapeutic to know that there are people out there working on themselves as well as being there for other in the time of need. Il continue reading your blog and comments and urge people ( bpd sufferers and nons) to read this and tell us your story. You are not alone. Thanks SD. Will post WHEN the healing takes over 🙂

    • Robert "toerrishuman" said

      The silent is a very painful part of the process separating from a BPD relationship, however for me, after 9 months of no contact, all I can say is, “Free at last! free at last! thank God Almighty, we are free at last!”

      From Gratitude 🙂

      PS. The above link is to a video I discuss the silent treatment, I wish you well TY! You will survive this!

    • savorydish said

      You’re welcome. good luck.

  88. ty1985 said

    Hi Robert. I actually watched your video last night 🙂 it was also tremendously helpful. Thanks so much for the reply.

    • Robert "toerrishuman" said

      You are welcome TY!! You will notice that I have finished my series, after 50 videos I have healed! I am so much lighter right now, I am truly happy being alone.

      I cannot express how much SD’s site helped me along with my progress. I wanted to give back like SD so I created my video diary of my healing and recovery of a BPD relationship.

      You will heal after your ordeal and you will discover who you really are and during this process you will address your own demons to move forward to be in a loving place in your life where you will attract the woman of your new dreams! I truly believe this for everyone on this site and for myself!

      From gratitude. 🙂

  89. A said

    Oh my. This describes my feelings exactly. (Genders reversed). Thank you.

  90. jef said

    Today, after 3-4 mos of cutting me out, my (well not my, the) BPD in my life called. And called. And called. And called. All went to the homes VM.

    They were all kinda pleas to call her and as usual she asks for a loan of like 50.00. (in the first message). Then the messages went from this to that.

    I kinda wish this was a live chat thing cause today of all days is when I would love to chat with someone.

    I played them over and over and they nearly got to me and I almost called. But I didnt as of yet.

    Its just so very sad to hear someone like this and its very hard NOT to call them but its best I dont. The first call made me get chest pains which were really GI upset. Then I went to crying how sad that there is someone I care about and I cant even help or be with. But mostly, if I sum it all up, Im very mad that they attempted to even call and try the same woe is me thing cause its upsetting.

    Ah well.

    To the actual BPDs on here…………….. (and this is very very important to hear from)

    If you are trying to get the non BPD back into your life and they totally ignore YOU (for once the shoe is on the other foot) do you eventually back off from them not returning your calls any totally being silent?

  91. Mariah said

    I’m sad, and I’m crying. Because I just realized there is no hope for my relationship with Cameron. He and his have been together for almost 3 years. He’s telling me he doesn’t know if he’s in love with me anymore. He just found out he was a BP last night. We always knew something was up. He keeps getting more and more distant. No matter how much I love him and he loves me. He just tried to break up with me just now. But he hasn’t decided, please tell me what I can do to save this relationship. Yesterday was his birthday and we were perfectly happy now he’s doing this out of no where. And I’m crushed. Someone please help me. My email is Mariah.nicole3334@yahoo.com

  92. ty1985 said

    Hi savory. I have f@#$ed up 😦 I cracked and msged my ex bpd gf ( undiagnosed) on facebook … all I feel is hatred. Ive said before but long story short is that my ex bpd gf was horribly abused as a child and her dad was responsible. BUT savory. …I am the only male figure in her life and ive only loved and cared for her and now I hav somehow taken over the role of her “abusive father” . So u must imagine that all that hatred for her dad has manifested into ME!?. im so upset and confused EVEN though I hav expected this… its just so hard when 1 minute u the love of their life and the next … u r trash 😦 . Its been 2.5 months and she is hating me. I studied psych and knw that hate and love are not too opposite. .. they both evolve passion… so she does feel “something” for me even though its not love. I knw that her being discreet is a good thing becoz she is literally helping me to move on but u must understand that its still extremely tough. I basically got scarred pretty deep 2nyt and I know I should never have msed her on fb tonight. Advice pls….

    • ty1985 said

      just to add.. when I say hatred .. I meant.. when she replied to my msg .. all I got was hatred. Like I said its as if she has put me in the same category as her abusive father. WTF ?!. thats literally whats happened. Ive been split blacker than black. What do I do?

    • savorydish said

      Hey Ty,
      Detaching from the BP is not easy. It’s an addiction. You slipped up but you are human. Forgive yourself and move on. Meet other people. Date other women. Deprivation rarely works. The more forgiving strategy is to fill the void with someone healthier than the last. Good luck,
      SD

  93. Hannibal H said

    Can’t tell you how many times I read all your stories and other on the Internet. And still it is so difficult to find closure. November 14th I found out my Borderliner best friend (male, gay) was seeing someone else, the way I found out was very painful. I told him in September during our holiday that I was in love with him, he was surprised and sweet and told me to give him time, he needed to get better (drug rehab), that was fine by me. I only asked him to not let me believe in something that could never be. I stood by him when he was in so much pain, when he was in mental hospital for a couple of days, when he was in pain, I was there. And when my dad passed away, he really was there for me, making me doubt the borderline. We booked a new holiday (in the meantime the other man was already there), he had one pic of them of facebook and and a number of us on there, making me feel it was fine. But still that gut feeling. I always said, sweetheart, it doesn’t matter if you are in love with someone lese, we can be friends then, I will always be there. He assured me that he had a long way to go, before he would see someone. That was on a Sunday and the following Thursday I visited him at the clinic, where one of the other patients wondered about me, and said, ”this is not your boyfriend”. then he had to tell. I could see his pain, but probably of being caught, not being sorry. I wanted to leave, he texted me pictures of us and was crying and I had to console him. Within in hour he changed his fb status in having a relationship. But still called me at night, to see if we could still be friend. Months earlier, he did call me saying he was afraid of his feelings for me, could that be true at the time? I was supposed to meet him on November 25th to talks things out, and all of a sudden eh texted me that it was bteer that I did not come, his heart belongs to someone else and he wished me a good life and that I met someone who makes me happy. The answers are maybe in my own story, but it just felt like a therapist texted the last exchange. He blocked me from his cellphone and makes it seem like he has moved on, as should I, I know. He hasn;t contacted me for almost 3.5 weeks now, and to be honest, I know it’s stupid, I would like him too. Is it that easy to forget someone he claimed to have been his best friend, and that I was special. He even talked bad about his current relationship. I have been a mess. The rpoblem of letting go is that he wil become a public figure again in a couple of months. I don not wish him any harm, I still love him, feel so wasted ant thorwn away..

    • savorydish said

      You sound like such a wonderful person. Why do you choose to love unavailable men? Through his actions he has showed that he doesn’t love you or respect you. You deserve better. Don’t let him dangle you around. You deserve better. Keep saying that until you believe it. Closure comes when you say enough is enough. Closure comes when you are strong enough to shut this door for good.

      • Hannibal H said

        That’s very kind of you. To me he was available and he was really sweet whenmy dad passed away. I really think I got too close.I remember that he told me one night that he was afraid for what he felt for me. I believe I could make a difference and show him a life outside the gayscene of our Capitol. It will be hard to see him on tv and hear about him and people jumping on his bandwagon..while I was there when he wad at his lowest. I still find it hard to have any bad feelings towards him. Thanks for listening.

      • savorydish said

        But that’s the rub. Isn’t it? They make themselves available and then when we fall for them they run away. The trick is seeing that you can not separate one behavior from the other. It is abusive to make someone fall in love with you and then block them.

    • Jblack said

      I can appreciate your story, however imagine what his current long-term partner may have felt; assuming I read your post correctly. I was with someone “gay” for a little over 6 years, and I buried a career and a business to be with him. I moved almost 2000 miles away, only to relay on all his promises. I paid off a major debt of his, and even agreed to sink money into a house that we should have never purchased per his ostensible plans to go back to school. I waited and waited on him, while he projected his failure onto me. I took care of him, and never left the house for fear of him always becoming overly jealous and enraged. He would stalk me to see if I really went to the grocery store or the gym. GO through my files and phone. He maintained his separate life, speaking poorly of me to others while coming home to speak poorly of those very same people. Even his boss, and his fellow co workers. He even latched onto another person with a death in their family, only to tell me how ugly and cross eyed this person was, ect. and that the person in his family who passed was an idiot for choking on food. No empathy! He forced me to go to therapy while he never went. I always had to come home and pretend I was this ill weak person, it felt totally crazy to me. Nevertheless, as soon as the codependant bonds were breaking on my end, he started to pull away. I told started to take control of my life, assuming that we were going to grow as a team…. Huh! Boy did I never see what was about to hit me upside the head. He triangulated another guy in and cheated behind my back, and when the guy left town on business, then he went on to purse many others. I was in disbelief! He said he wasn’t sure if he loved me, because I confronted him about cheating. Which he did on more than one occasion, I just didn’t know about it at the time. I was always faithful, even though he would go into fits of rage of accusing me of cheating. In any event, long story short, he dumped me, and continued to punish me by flaunting many new dates in my face. I hadn’t even been out of the house yet. It took 2 months to find a new place. All that time I thought it was my fault, and I was chasing after him. I was a strong driven person before I met him, and then after it was over, I became the clinger. Crazy! Now that I have been happy healthy and on my own for several months, I can remember all the crazy things that were happening that I used to ignore. I will never go back to this person. Help or no help! He never apologized nor gave me closure, and what that tells me is that he has a lack of respect. I mean he certainly didn’t have a lack of respect when I paid off the foreclosure on the first home he almost lost… All selective thinking on his part. That’s not to say that I don’t have compassion for him still, but I will never allow myself to be a doormat again. Believe me, I was in the worst pain one can imagine at their core… Not to mention the lies and smear campaign I suffered as a result. I could have returned the favor, but I am not a vengeful person, as I’m sure most people on here are not. I even reached out and forgave him, only to be rebuffed afterwards. So, my point to you is…. just because he speaks poorly of the other people in his life “boyfriend” to you, don’t think he is not professing his love to them while speaking poorly of you at the same time. Messing around with other people when they are involved with someone already is wrong, and it shows a lack of boundaries and self respect. Being triangulated is being used. Don’t let yourself get used to gratify another persons selfish childlike needs. You only get hurt, and so do other innocent people, no matter what you were informed. I am sorry for your pain and discomfort though; forgive me for being so brash.

  94. danley said

    I feel for all of you here who have gone thru the vortex of mass emotional confusion with a BP. My relationship lasted three years. It was a good rerelationship with the typical disagreements. He was Jekyll when I met him and it took effort for him to be communicative about his life and fears but we made it thru. But as our relationship came to our third year it was havoc. He was distant one moment and then loving the next. He started to get moody and angry and blaming me for his life circumstances. Then the next week I was on a pedestal. I began to give him space as he requested because he said he needed to get his life in order. But he really wasn’t. He was just sitting around feeling the world was after him. When I tried to be supportive he would lash out and blame me for his messy house or unpaid bills. When I asked if he wanted to have dinner he’d make me feel like it was a burden. Then he’d deny me and days later he’d call me and say that he will have dinner and made it seem like he was doing me this huge favor. He came over and said he was devoted to me and he loved me and how I made him feel like he could be himself. It was a nice evening.

    He broke up with me a few days later saying that he was ashamed to be seen with me and what would his family and friends think of him if they found out he dated me months before his divorce trial. I was shocked and hurt. He tried to justify his actions by asking if I wanted to be in a secret relationship forever. I was like NO but I agreed to stay under the radar while the trial was going on and was being patient like he had asked of me. I was like how messed up is that question? How about why can’t you face your fears and guilt head on and take ownership of your decisions instead of making up these paranoid what ifs about friends and family? It was like he was giving up on us because he was too afraid to face the road to be with each other openly. I felt used for there years.

    When we broke up he was hot and cold. He was still loving me and then hating me. When he was loving he was nice and joyful. At the drop of a dime he’d turn cold and blame me for ruining his life and accused me several times of wanting him back. After the tenth time I told him I wasn’t trying to get with him. He reasoned that I told him HI and that meant I wanted him. He accused me of trying to get closer to him when he was in fact the one calling me up, buying me little gifts that reminded him of me, cooking me meals at work(we work together ), and saying to me that iI’m so wonderful and great and reminiscencing about our past together. It was like a bunch of projections. I told him to vet it thru his head I didn’t want him back when he’s so unstable.

    He began dating someone two months after we broke up. He voluntarily told me and would smear it in my face. When I didn’t react he’d talk about his relationship more. He’d come to me every month and say HR regrets dating the new woman and he shouldn’t be in a relationship. I shook my head because that’s one of the reasons he gave for our breakup. One time he called me to talk about his stress and fears. He said he’s tired of hurting people he cares about. I told him if he feels that way than stop doing hurtful things. He got enraged and blamed me for his being late to his date with the new girl. I didn’t know of this date and so I told him I’d hang up so he can go to her. He got more mad and said that I was just trying to make him feel guilty. Huh? Then he calls me right back and vents more about himself and how I’m selfish and want him back and now the need girl is mad at him for being an hour late. Huh? He’s the one who called me! Then to further the disgust… he texts me to vent more and point the finger. He said that I make it so hard to be his friend. I was like….you are off your rockers because you’ve been the one constantly reaching out to me and flirting and such. He then texts me that he knows I want him back. Why would someone do this and accuse me of such things? It was like he needed me to say YES I WANT YOU AND ALWAYS WILL!!!

    HE apologized to me a few days later for being mean….general apology and no specifics. He stays nice for two months. Then outta nowhere again he’s telling me his relationship with the new girl is rocky and he regretted ever dating her and that he knows I won’t believe him but the relationship just developed after we broke up. I told him I didn’t want to talk about his relationship. He said he wants to do what he wwants and not have people control him. He said he told the need girl that his kids are priority and if she can’t take it then she can go. He said he told her that if she keeps complaining about him not giving her affection then she can go away. I told him if he feels he needs to simplify his life why is he still dating if it seems to bog him down. I asked if it was because he needed attention and companionship? He said that wasn’t it. I asked if he loved her….he said sometimes. He said sometimes he thinks he does. Wth kinda response is that? I know my ex longs for affection and loves giving it. When we were together he was very affectionate even tho he had emotional battles. So even more hearing him speak of his decisions with this relationship was confusing. But then I was blamed for controlling him and taking advantage of his kindness. He said he doesn’t like his emotions being toyed with. Really? All these things are things he’s doing to ME.

    He has tantrums now and when I point out he did or said something offensive that hurt my feelings….he gets angry and from offender he becomes instant victim. He changes the subject and I become the target. He never wants to speak about his effect on my feelings or me. He then blames me for his misery and accuses me of wanting him back. He tells me that he’s tired of hurting people he cares for but he’s gonna be selfish and numb and not care what anyone thinks. What the heck kind of person says that? He’s already been doing a good job of it tho. I told him that too.

    Oh and just to point out how insensitive he is at times….he dumped me when I had a court trial going on, my Dad and grandpa passed away, and I was possibly getting furloughed from my job. Of all the times Huh? It’s like if the I’m having a crisis he can’t stand it because that means there’s less attention for him and he might have to be there for me. How sick is that? And to think I was there for him all those years and still going thru my own crap too? Amazing.

    He is being Hyde now but reaches out still. Really confusing. Idk what to say to him or how to act anymore. If I’m not responsive….he gets mad or tries to pull me in. When I’m responsive….he acts nice until he snaps because I did something nice and he then accuses me of wanting him back and trying to control his behavior. What crazy thoughts and perceptions he has. It’s draining and abusing my self esteem. I have put a lot of thought into our past and finally see my part in enabling him. And I see that he was not very nice regardless of his disorder or depression or circumstances and stress.

    I don’t want to be living in a state of walking on eggshells around him nor do I want to be his punching bag. I wish there was a way he could see what he’s doing and get help. I still wonder if what we shared was false or real….all or parts?

    hang in there peeps!

  95. Megan said

    It’s been 8 very long weeks since my ‘borderline’ boyfriend cut me black and it is still tearing me up inside. I really don’t know what I’ve done wrong to deserve to be treated in this way? All I ever did was show him love and he shuts me out – sending me a message on Facebook asking me to never contact him again, and then deleting me from his aspects of his life. This included deleting my friends, but apologising to them, saying it’s nothing personal but he has decided to cut all connections with me cause I’m ‘crazy’!. Yet, for some reason I am still madly in love with this man, would still do anything for this man… My friends believe that I should be over him by now, and I would be if I could be. They don’t understand how I feel, he has spun me into his web and left me there to die. I can’t take the pain much longer.

  96. jef said

    “I really don’t know what I’ve done wrong to deserve to be treated in this way?”

    You didnt do anything wrong more than likely. Your BF has an illness. Dont try to analyze it, it wont make sense TO YOU but to THEM, they think they did right by cutting you out cause they felt some kind of abandonment.

    Been there.

    Still there.

    Tough one. Its an illness so do you just walk away?

    Would someone walk away from their friend, parent, son with cancer? Thats an illness too.

    I know. No comparison and where this is coming from is my own battle with my bpd to have NC (no contact) or not. I cant decide as I have written above somewhere.

    Only you know what is best to do with your bf.

    Good luck.

  97. […] Megan writes in the comment section of a posting on Borderlines that cut people out of their lives: […]

  98. mrniceguy said

    hi,,im new here,,is this where you would post your story,or is this
    just for reply posts,,can u help thanks

  99. niceguy said

    Firstly i would like to say well done and much admiration to all the folk on this site who have really opened their hearts and let the stories educate us all about this illness that seems to go unchallenged and almost unnoticed to some degree.Savory Dish & Team,, 3 cheers,amazing job u do.

  100. niceguy said

    My story may take some time,i will try keep it brief as poss, i only have 45 mins,then try finish off later,,It will give a good account off events of the past 6 months that have rocked my, and no doubts others worlds,,please follow my story members ,,as i value and need your comments and feedback.
    I was introduced to a female friend of a friend some months ago,,as to have a date etc,,both single etc.This lady joined my fb,we message each other to meet.
    The first signs of a little strangeness were in the one line answers,and the cancelling of the arranged dates, this actually went on for a few months..however i just put it down to nerves as i myself was a little nervous.
    She has a daughter and i have a small daughter to my ex wife,,i take her various day through the week and weekends.
    As the lady in question cancelled a couple of our date arrangements,,complaining i hadnt kept intouch enough with her,,to which i was shocked because when i did get in touch by text a few days previous she ignored me. This raised alarm bells with me,,also the total lack of consideration that i had changed and made arrangements for the supervision of my daughter etc,therefore it lost me my quality time with her.. i was not amused.
    I mentioned this and the fact that she should stick to our arrangements,,she was not to pleased and spouted of a little,,again i sensed a hostile mood and was unsure what to think.
    We eventually met up,we seemed to hit it off straight away,,she was very shy like 47 years old,basically a lovely attractive lady,,my background research on her via the friends that linked us up was she was old fashioned,lonely,,wants to meet a nice man,very reclusive,doesnt mix much,bit iffy with men,never seems to keep or want one….Well i couldnt understand why this gorgeous woman would be single for the past 12 year,,however i think i do now,?? i will carry on in a few hours,,i have to go.

  101. niceguy said

    Anyway she said she would like to see me again so we met the following weekend!,
    This woman was highly intelligent ,very academic,well educated with a history of successful high profile jobs,,very well respected among colleagues and family etc.
    However through the week i found contact very difficult. As if she didnt want to know me through the week,,only to ring her at certain times,,never adlib if you like. We discussed me not being around when i daughter was there or even ringing wasnt allowed for weeks until her daughter was in bed.. I accepted this as a slow advance which was fine,,she didnt want her daughter involved until we were closer and see if we were going to be longer term if you like.Then slowly be introduced to family,,i thought that was quit commendable.I respected her wishes.
    Whenever i rang her at night it was if i was talking to a different person to whom i am with at the weekend on a night out,,she is 100% for you when we are out together,,close ,loving,seemed caring.However if i was a little late getting in to ring her just say about ten mins,,i,d get a text saying going to bed shattered,,spk tomorrow x or a similar cut off text more a less implying dont ring me now ??.Conversations were difficult,,seemed such a hard effort,,what you done today,,how was your day,,then she ask me the same,,but it seemed strange,,i could sense something was wrong,,when i asked if she was ok i,d get a simple “yes im fine just tired im going now” I also started to say to her look we should keep intouch a little through the week as we arent seeing each other so i,ll text you,,she said ok,,but when i text her daytime i rarely even got a reply !! it takes 2 mins to return a text!! i,d wait 6 to 7 hours or not even a reply sometimes,,then shed say she was busy at work,,i knew this wasnt true due to the nature of her job,,plenty free time.All this seemed strange however i plodded on just thinking “yeah so what shes a little odd,,but i like this woman a lot”
    I,ll start a new page !!

  102. niceguy said

    You see to all that knew her she was the poor lonely soul,,all alone,,no friends,,although she does have many friends she doesnt interact with them at all really,,just a couple of them.She always portrayed the shy innocent sweet girl who you feel sorry for,,and i did feel sorry for her as she seemed so genuine and honest and caring when she was with me in person.
    The thing i noticed most of all was the cryptic way she talked in her texts,,we never hardly spoke on phone,,always texts.This was her doing..she always made me feel uncomfortable if i rang her..
    Ohh i forgot to mention an important thing she said on our first date. She looked at me and said ” i like you as you are not scared of me are you” you dont seem to be intimidated by me are you,, most men are she said….. Blimey i could see why,,she was a little weird in her ways,,a bit posh if you like,,,but nice with it. I have dealt with people face to face for 30 year in my work,,im not intimidated at all or frightened,,however i was a little uneasy,,maybe unsure,,, but i wasnt going to show it.. But i knew there was something i just couldnt put my finger on it.
    She would express herself very clever on facebook! very little words,, Remarks like “i know the void” i thought she meant maybe a gap in her life,,maybe a man,,you are left guessing all the time with this woman,,cryptic all the time,,and if people commented on her fb in return,,she then wouldnt comment again,,no answers if u like. she,d say,,”its times like this you need a man” haha she said that while seeing me”you know ,,if she was painting or gardening etc. but we had agreed to keep our relationship private for now as i was going through a divorce.We never really commented on each others fb,,just the odd like maybe.
    Anyway got to third weekend of dating and i wasnt pushing her at all,,didnt even get an invite in til week 4,,she was really getting to know me first and she has good values and morals,,i loved all that about her,,a decent lovely woman.i respected that a lot. After the third date i had arranged to go away with my mate to see family down south for 3 days,,i told her of this on the tues afternoon of the 4th week,, she took a huff immediately saying well just text me when u get back then… Jesus you would think i had know her for months,,i,d only seen her 3 times.. I replied and said why would i text you next week as its only tuesday now.. I was going away thurs to monday,,,,,, what a stupid comment i thought!,,i got no reply until the next morning.. She said “sorry ur right text me anytime u like”” yet again this was noted and put to the back of my mind . I went away,,kept in touch with her,,every night,,brought her a few little prezzies back,,she seemed to appreciate them.
    I then met up that weekend and i asked her why the attitude about me going away. She said she was jealous as she wanted to go away with me,,strange i thought,,i aint even had a coffee in your house yet!! She had told me she leads a boring life,,rarely goes anywhere but work,,comes homes shuts door and doesnt go back out or answer phone,,very private and reclusive.The fri or sat night go around her mates house,back at 10.30 and bed. However would put comments on fb like “trying to make new friends”,,Thats quit hard if you never go anywhere i thought,,!,again back of the mind for now!.She then told me she had been to the doctors and had found a lump in her breast,,and she didnt want the sort of man that just goes off with his mates when she needs him…. How the hell was i supposed to know,,she didnt tell me..never the less theres nothing i could have done other than be supportive ,,so i was.
    We went out again weekend,,we both dont like touring pubs where you cant hear yourself speak,,,we go nice out of town country pubs,nice meals,few drinks,,i dont drink much so i would take car so we could go further afield.More enjoyable time i thought. We talked loads all the time,,all about past family and our lives,,my work,,she never would talk about her work much though. She just told me she like me to lead all the conversations as she didnt know what to talk about,,she was a little strange but i liked that about her.
    That night a stayed over and the usual thing took place,we were both nervous as she said she hadnt had sex for years. She told me early on in relationship she never went out with men,,she dated once or twice but never went more than 1 date,,she said shed had 2 dates in 2 years,,as far as her friends who i knew they said she never been with a man as far as they know..True or false we may never know as she is so private,,and very clever and illusive i think!!.. We were so very close by now,,it was wonderful,,she said such nice things to me,,about how could your ex hurt you so much,,you are a lovely kind man,etc etc,,I actually told her to stop being so nice to me,there is no need,, she seemed genuine enough,so loving. But when uve been hurt in the past badly you dont take compliments easy,,you have your guard up. We talked a lot about both of us not wanting to hurt each other ,,cards on the table with everything if u like,,thats what we promised each other,,not to hide anything..She said i was an emotional wreck and she loved me showing my emotions and feeling with her,,,!!shit i now think that was a weakness in her eyes after reading the websites!!
    Another week went by,we kept in touch by phone at night now,,still didnt seem perfect though,,sometimes she would text and say im shattered and going to bed..meaning dont ring me,,i rang a couple of times and she never answered,, replying in the morning saying she never heard the phone or got message,,,,i only slept over by the way when her daughter was away at her dads,,so we hadnt met yet anyway,,she seemed to want to keep me at arms length all the time with the daughter.Couldnt talk to me even on phone if daughter was there,,how strange,,go in another room then for 5 mins and talk to me,,,but no this never happened. I,ll start another new page !!

  103. niceguy said

    I had no reason at the time not to trust her,,her comments were nice and in return i was nice with her,,we were getting really close and intimate.Then things started to get a little heavy.She said she was so in love with me but didnt want to scare me..I knew she was insecure and she kept talking about things like !! im worried your ex wife will come back and take you away,,you may go back with her,,I assured her this would never happen,,came out a twenty year marriage after splitting up a few times ,, this time its over,,anyway the ex is with a new partner so end of story..
    She would lie in bed with me and she would say very quietly and intimately ” i dont want to hurt you or me “” you might leave me,we might get too close and you will hurt me and i might hurt you” I tried my best to found out why she would think these things ,,she said she didnt know and i assured her that i was a one woman man,, i never was unfaithful to my wife in 20 year,, im not like that,,i can only have feelings for one woman at a time ,, im not interested in anyone else i told her. She would talk much about her feelings other than to say im scared we,ll hurt each other,,you might walk away.. obviously i couldnt understand why she talked like this at the time. As time went on she was saying how much she loved me,,texting me all the time saying im her special man,,she was so proud of me,couldnt wait to see me again,,She then sent me a nice text saying thats she now trusted me, and that was a massive step forward for her,,she said shed opened her heart to me and she felt so happy,,, However i noticed as time went on another week the text were like over excited,like childish passion,omg i love you so much im so happy,,im so excited etc.. I just thought from a 47 year old professional woman her behaviour was a little odd..also i wasnt with her at these times.these were texts… As i said before , in the daytime you would not see this behaviour,,she seemed nothing like this until she had finished work,,like some kind of robot.
    School hols approaching she suggested we had some days out as her daughter was away for 3 weeks,,this sounded a great chance to spend a little more time together other than weekend.We had started to see each other twice a week now but not for long,,just a meal say a week night til 8 then drop her back off,,we had spent sat and sundays together and i fell in love with her as she had me ..We never had a cross word in 3 month whilst we were out together,, we got on so well.She told me she was going through the change of live,,hrt treatment was admitted being used but she later denied it,,so didnt know what to believe.She did go on the pill as she said since seeing me she had had her first period for ages,,, i didnt go into anymore detail about it.
    She booked us 3 nights away and off we went on our few days jollies,,her choice of destination. We took in the sights,,pub lunches and few drinks,,look around again and pub for tea and drinks,,we seemed to enjoy ourselves however i noticed a massive change in her on day 3. She was very distant and negative,,didnt want to go in car and look around anywhere else,, stay in same place,,lack of conversation and went straight to sleep for last two nights,,no intention of sex,,, well i thought oh dear what have i done,,shes gone off me,,i couldnt put my finger on it but something wasnt right. I had my suspicions thats she was drinking a lot of wine and maybe also on medication for her hrt,,but as im here with her she may not want to take them,,something had kicked in that night!!! something i think was to be unleashed within the next day or two,,i racked my brains blaming myself about what i could have done,,but i couldnt think of anything..I tried to cuddle her that night late on and she talked in a deep voice saying “get off,leave me alone” shit i though best just leave her be.. Next day i suggested we stay over one more night as i never had time of work for ages,,she didnt want too but i thought buggar u,,i do everything you want so i want to stay another night,,so she agreed.As we were out on trips etc whilst away i noticed sometimes she seemed to go into a trance like state ,, staring at things gormless like..sometimes she would stare at me” and im no oil painting i can tell u “”haha.Seriously though it was so strange,,i really love this woman and im feeling so weird myself at the time as to whats happening here..Her temperament was different from usual. Like i said earlier,,she only seemed to try and be awkward or hostile by text normally,,,not when im with her.
    We set of home,,arranged to see each other that night ,,stay in,,have chinese maybe,,you know,just chill,,last day of hols… She seemed ok but quiet when i left her that afternoon,,said she was going to go to bed as she was tired,,i forgot to mention she spends loads of time in bed at home,,even in afternoon,,far too much for normal sleep time ??
    She then text me a hour later saying she had found a new way of getting rid of her frustrations,,she bought a strimmer and was doing the grass,,, “Frustrations i thought,,whats that mean,,is she trying to tell me something” She then cancelled me going that night , saying she was too tired,,i thought that was strange as we only would be eating and lying next to each other,,no great effort,,nice to end the week i thought cuddled up etc,,obviously not. That afternoon i went on fb and she had put a statement on saying she had a great time with me,,no names though,,wonderful times.. so i put a couple of nice photos on of her ,,all happy looking,,and her friends commented on it,,told her it was nice etc,, however one of them had turned it into a dirty joke,,it was not my doing,, that was it ,, the beast was unleashed!!! 11 oclock that night life has never been the same,, new page !!

  104. niceguy said

    I forgot to mention that on one occasion of mania one night,she asked me to go around and sneak in the house late that night,,she said she wanted me there with her,,however her daughter was in,,this was totally out of the norm,,i had to wait til daughter had gone to bed,, i went around and she was so hyper to see me like a small excited child,,nearly crying and jumped all over me kissing and hugging me,,she doesnt do that in the day either,,really strange,,i had to calm her down and i asked her whats wrong,,she replied i needed to see u, i missed you so much,,it was very odd.that was that.. Back to where we were……Jesus she text me 11 oclock saying omg ,, about some comments,, im a liability,,she unfriended me ,,wouldnt answer my calls or texts,,i went on fb deleted all what was on,,so did she .. i text her saying whats wrong with her ,, you are overreacting,,dont be like this,,she just blanked me,,i was scared i tell you,, frantic or what,,not usual behaviour at all.
    So next morning got a massive lecture about how she doesnt want her personal life plastered all over the fb for all an sundry to see,, i explained i did it for her so her friends could see her happy,,read between the lines,,she wouldnt talk to me ,just text as usual. I told her only her friends would see the photos,,the were normal photos,,nothing nude or anything,,and her friends had commented on them,,that she looked so happy,,,she wouldnt listen at all,,, said i was a hothead,,we had nothing in common and we were worlds apart.
    She said she unfriended me as since our couple of days away i had changed massively and she didnt recognize me now,!!! wtf was she on about i do not know!! she said it had ran its course and we both new it,, Well i was lost for words,, what weird nasty behaviour . She wouldnt talk to me at all,,we always said we would talk about everything if anything went wrong,,,,,, but she just wouldnt acknowledge me at all,, i pleaded with her to talk to me,,i wrote to her,,asking her how she could be so cruel and cold and callous,,, not a single reply,,what a fukin bastard i thought to myself,, how can you preach love the same afternoon then turn like this,,its horrible to have this done to you,,as well a lot of you on here will know..She eventually text me saying leave me alone its over!!not a single explanation or reason at all,,as if i just didnt exist anymore..She said she couldnt see a future with me and as hard as it was for her too she just couldnt,,she said she didnt want to hurt me or her.. So i gave up a faced facts she was having a massive tantrum,,i text her and said,,ok i,ll do as u ask,,take care of yourself sweetheart,,love you xxxx. that was it,,, it was my birthday 2 days later we had planned to go out.. she didnt even wish me happy birthday,,,what a cow i thought….. 5 days later in the early hours of the morning i received a text of her saying she wanted to say so much but she couldnt,,, she said she wanted to admit to me she had a alcohol problem ?? she said she had a big problem,,and she wanted me to try and understand why she did what she did,,,”” it had nothing to do with me she said,, so i presume i wasnt to blame”,, “so why say those things”? she just kept saying for me to try and understand why she did what she did,,, again thats all i got to go on,, I asked her what she wanted,,she said nothing,,just wanted me to know..She said she has some degree of control but not always,, functioning alcoholic i believe is the term for her.. Well i was not really suprized as she could drink about 6 to 8 large wines and not seem drunk,,but i didnt really take much notice.. We talked later that week and she told me she doesnt really drink in the day,,works it around her work etc,, its mainly night times,, reckons 7 to 9 bottles of white wine per week,, new page!!

    .

  105. niceguy said

    What a situation,, we talked and she told me how she vulnerable certain times when not working ,, she must keep herself busy etc,, then its easier not to think about drinking,,,hence why she wanted to go out in the day etc,,, we made a few plans to go out together when she was off work,,fill in her time,, once again i left and a day later she ignored my texts and never replied,,.I admit i probably said things she didnt want to hear after she told me,,like telling her she had to sort it out,,come off it,,,,i realize now they do not want to hear that,,dont pressurize them.. but then i took her out for weekend just to have a laugh and try forget and we,ll talk next day,, we did,, she thanked me for nice time and of i went,,,2 days later i had arranged to call her at 7 oclock,, i got a text at 4.30 saying im so pissed you dont want to know me,,move on with your life honey and dont look back.xxx ,,i rang and rang and text ,,no answer,, eventually got through,,only to hear the strong proud posh professional woman i so dearly love breakdown in tears saying ” you cant help me,nobody can,,,i dont want my daughter to know im like this,,she was crying and it made me cry too ,,i was so sad and i still am,,i feel so sorry for her,,she wont let anyone in,,especially me,,she is so proud and strong natured,, she always said we,d clash because we both had strong natures…i drove up to see her,,even though she said no, .. I cuddled her and she seemed ok an hour later.. we chatted again and i realized her daughter would be home soon,,she hadnt noticed the time so i thought i would deliberately wait for her to come home,.she arrived , we met,lovely girl, said she hoped to see me again,,and off she went to bed,, well mother was ok about me meeting her in the end,,althou was a little frantic,,we talked some more then out the blue,,i said a comment about her taking the piss the way shes carrying on,,throwing my help back in my face!! she jumped up,,eyes like the devil,,big brown eyes,,glaring at me,,shouting and screaming,,,Blimey i thought,, this is the woman i love , we never had a cross word with each other in 3 months,, she was always so loving to me and never nasty as a rule,, i was so shocked and actually frightened to see her like this,, what does this to them,, ???? its so sad to see your closest friend turn on u. She was shouting get out my house ,, your crowding my fuking space,,she was hysterical,, so i left. I told her she needed to get help and try to face up to this illness,,that didnt go down too well either.
    I was driving home and she was texting me saying i love you etc etc,,i really do love you but what planet you on,,she said never ever tell her what to do pissed or not,, she doesnt do submissive behaviour!!! crazy or what i thought,, she still kept texting me saying she loves me and to go back in the morning to make love to her,,, very strange indeed i feel.
    I went back in the morning,,she couldnt remember why she threw me out,nor did i tell her,,incase she did it again. However her daughter asked her why she was shouting at me,,her mam said i dont know,, She wasnt too pleased her daughter heard all this,, but i didnt cause it,,I think thats why she kept me at arms length as she knew this was going to happen sooner or later so doesnt want daughter involved. We made arrangements to meet up again that week,we talked again a little but she hated me seeing her crying that night,,maybe her lowest ebb,,she wouldnt talk about it,,saying point blank i dont want to mention it again !!i tried to explain that we needed to talk to each other if we are to sort anything out,,she just clamped shut.., new page

  106. niceguy said

    As usual i left and 2 days later she cancelled our meeting and i spoke on the phone,, she said she didnt want to see me anymore,,she doesnt know how she feels anymore,,nor could she say why shes done all this,,or explain her feelings,,she said she cant answer as she doesnt know…We exchanged a few bitter texts on a night when she been drinking but other than that i just sent her a couple of cards saying im always here for you and let it be,,she sent a text 3 weeks later thanking me for card,!! why the wait??..she wont have anything to do with me now,,its been 2 months since we last text,,she ignored my last two messages,,nor did she wish me merry xmas etc,,i didnt wish her it as she ignored my last two texts after she said leave her alone again,,im not chasing her all the time,,ive written and text enough,, she seems to show no remorse,,, its like ive just been erased,,, i know its more than drink problem,,, ive studied bipolar and borderline for weeks and i see all the traits of a mixture of the two,,mainly borderline..
    But what do you do if they wont let you near them,,for all the people who read this long story,,please learn from it,,i trusted this woman 100% and could see this turning out like this,,i knew something was wrong from the start,, How can u ask them if they are borderline,,,they may not know,,,or care,,, do they actually love or ever loved us really…i dont know,,,she may be pissed as a fart every night as far as i know,,,she wont let me in..Although she knew if i thought she was getting worse i would probably tell a relative and ask her to help her maybe if she wont let me in,,,,i didnt have to,,ive since heard shes admitted having a drink problem to her family,,however her brothers dont speak to her,
    , In my opinion i think ive learned a lot from this horrible experience, educated myself tremendously ,,and others i hope.. I love this lady dearly,,she is so sweet and innocent,,well not really i suppose ,, she cant help the way she is,,nor can others with this illness,,God bless them!! they need help and we all need more awareness with sites like this,,brilliant job you are doing..
    .I think that in her own way she was trying to warn me she would turn like this,,saying she might hurt or i might leave,,cryptic messages on fb,the way she talks etc,misleading communicators,, but very clever people,,do they feel shame or remorse,,i know she forced herself to end it as a friend of hers told me ,,, more or less implied she did it for me,,didnt want to hurt me,,i,ll never really know,,it does make us bitter,,and if we try and defend ourselves with the borderline the say we are bitter and twisted,,,i hope all folk out there who experience anything like this come on here and tell there story,,we all need educating,, good luck,thanks for listening,,

    • ty1985 said

      Hi niceguy

      Ive read your whole story and as you might have seen, ive posted a few of my own that you may have read. Its been just over 3 months for me since my undiagnosed ex bpd gf shunted me out her life. Im doing so much better now and ive managed to work on myself and can also see how much abuse I took from my ex.

      Hope you dont mind me giving my opinion on your story. We are all here to support eachother.

      You will find the majority of these storys are alike. Things start off well, you get close and things start falling apart. Theres a few points ive taken out of your experience. . Firstly, from what you’ve said… it clearly looks like she has a PD. More than likely BPD. The common denominator is ABANDONMENT. Its very likely that she has had a tough or abusive childhood which she may not have wanted you to know about. My ex was forthcoming bout her terrible childhood but unfortunately I didnt know then what I was in for . Typical bpd behaviour is reeling you in only to cast you away, talks of sporadic abandonment, the extreme anger you mentioned, addictive behaviour ie alcohol,gambling etc. These are just a few traits.

      Now ive done my own research and also was lucky enough to find strength in not only knowledge but also support from Savoury Dish and this blog.

      Now one big lesson ive learnt is to firstly go no contact and take a deep look into ourselves. What I personally found actually shocked me. You and I seem to be very similar in our behaviour. I know I am a “rescuer”. I ignored all the red flags trying to be there and help my ex EVEN when she was emotionally abusing me. As like you I was pulled and pushed, I was broken up with everyweek, I even got slapped twice because she had a sudden bout of extreme rage which came from nowhere. Its tough, I was stuck… even 2 months after , I was addicted to her drama.

      The bottom line is , you can not have a happy relationship with a bpd and you never will. Even if they seek medical treatment. . Its still not certain they will overcome the disorder. One of 2 things can happen to you now.. either she will keep recycling you and you will NEVER get out of the mess OR she will go NC and ignore you forever. Which entails that she has deionized you . Guess what.. thats a good thing in my book. Thats what happened to me and im growing healthier everyday.

      Niceguy… google “the drama triangle” it will partly explain why you seek people of this nature. You also had come out of a marriage which could explain strong underlying emotions which you subconsciously act upon.

      I hope I have helped in some way. I know Savoury Dish will give his advice too. The best thing you can do is move on, fix yourself and look out for red flags in the future. Best line of info I ever read bout bpd….

      You can not help someone who can help themselves.

  107. niceguy said

    Well thanks for taking the time to read and reply guys,,appreciate it. I will take onboard your comments and hopefully move on,,however i would still like to ask a few questions now and again if thats ok,, You obviously understand all our situations on here,,its such a great relief to be able to talk about it!!thanks

  108. niceguy said

    One question was in relation to what i thought was her trying to warn me, by saying i might hurt you,,you may hurt me,,you may leave,,is this normal or is it trickery or do they really feel hurt and worry but cant tell us. Why can the not tell us of their feelings,,,can u clarify a little for me if you can,thanks

    • savorydish said

      Right before my ex fled, she too warned me that she could only cause me misery. And she was right. I think on some level they know how damaged they are. So they bounce from one relationship to another hoping that each time it will be different. But it never is. Every relationship is a ticking time bomb. And when they hear the ticking, they know there is no hope. So they tell you to jump ship while you can.

  109. niceguy said

    Thanks for that savorydish,,,,Did your partner ever really open up to u,,, seemed like they wanted too but couldnt,,you mentioned poss trauma when a child !!!.. My gf did say she had a tough upbringing,, had a few brothers,,they seemed to get away with murder when young ?? however she was pushed and pushed to excel , mainly by her father i think,,,she was the only girl.Working from a very young age while still at school etc,,,no mention of abuse though. She was close to her mam i believe,,,she lost her 2 year ago and thats when she started drinking. She then lost her father 6 months later,,tragic,,she fell out with her brothers and they dont really acknowledge her now. She has admitted to them she has a drink problem,,,but they wont get involved.
    Sometime i think this is her secret cry for help,,but she keeps it in her own private bubble if you like ?? I dont think she knows she may be bpd,,she knows shes a drink problem,,but never mentioned anything else. However her behaviour cannot be caused by drink alone !! But we can hardly blurt out to them “oh do you have bpd can we “.. That leaves us feeling helpless to assist or help them,,,,we just have to watch them suffer,,or at least in our minds they are suffering,,so therefore we suffer also,,to watch someone you love go down this road is soul destroying.Your comment earlier ” You cant help those who wont help themselves is true”.Hard to acknowledge thou that when they know they are not right they dont seem to try hard to address it like we would.?? They never explain anything,,just half words and phrases,,that leave us all in the dark,,therefore we ourselves are unsure how to act for the best,,,,for us and for them.

    • savorydish said

      They can’t explain what they themselves don’t understand. She said she had a drinking problem. Most likely that means she is self medicating. It takes more than a tough upbringing to activate BPD. It takes a genetic predisposition and life long trauma. So she is not telling you the whole story.

      • ty1985 said

        Its so sad how people are left having to construe the mess left behind by bpd’s. Its like putting together a puzzle that is always going to be missing one piece. I agree with Savory , she may not be telling you the whole story with regards to her up bringing and unfortunately you can not directly ask her because chances are she could deny it. Now im not saying if she denies it then shes lying but I guess youll never know until you really want to do some digging, which I highly advise against.

        Its very tough. You want answers… and as you will see… they came in due time. Just like what ive experienced. This is what makes it so hard, no closure, no valid reasons, pure irrationality. It will take some time but you will realise that she is doing you a HUGE favour by leaving and count your lucky stars you are not married to her nor do you have any kids with her. With all do respect to everyone here…. I remind myself everyday that things could have been much worse. Coulda been married to my ex bpd, could have had kids etc… imagine life then 0_o .

      • savorydish said

        Even if she did not deny her past, there is a possibility that they could be repressed memories.

      • ty1985 said

        Oh for sure. I agree, but again… sad how you just can not be upfront because its highly unlikely that there will be a straight answer with this situation. I guess I was lucky because my ex was upfront bout her terrible childhood but then again having that knowledge did absolutely nothing to benefit me either way. The ticking time bomb was always gonna blow regardless.

      • savorydish said

        My ex was upfront about her past. But to this day I still don’t know what is the truth. Or what she told me just to manipulate me.

    • savorydish said

      She did have moments of openness. Unfortunately it was usually after she had just screwed me over. So it was less of a sincere apology and more of an explanation of why she was messed up. It was her begging for leniency.

      • niceguy said

        Great comments guys ,, very helpful,,just to note for the record,,she did tell me that her first partner left her on the day she had a section birth,,he walked of with another woman on that day,,she relied on her mother for help etc,, That must have be so awful for her,,i talked a little with her about it but she just said she got on with it,,she was bothered obviously at the time. Her second relationship last a few tear i think,,he left her also to go back to ex wife,,,then she had a couple of dates and said she slept with one guy after about 5 weeks of dating,,and she never heard from him again..She said she felt so used at the time,,however she didnt seem bitter or anything. Shes never bothered with guys since,,,,becoming very reclusive since the death of her parents.The father of her child never bothered with contact for first 5 years. Then he appeared,,she is very fair with him now,,she accepted he is the childs dad and has every right to see her,, but she wanted the child to know her dad,,she always tell her she should respect him as he is her father,,,,,,despite what happened between herself and him.. I thought that was very decent of her considering!!! most women would bare the grudge for a lifetime.The father and daughter have an excellent relationship from what i can see,,,however when they returned from the holiday the daughter told her mam that her dad had said ” your mother drinks too much” well she was not too happy i tell u.. she shouted and balled at him and slammed door in his face.. I know she said to me a week before we split that she was going to have to tell her daughter about her drinkin,,she also claimed to have joined AA. She obviously hated the dad saying anything to the daughter about the drinking,,i really think that put a fear in her of lessor worth if u like !! belittled to her daughter,,i know this woman,,she is so proud!! She hiding some massive secret i feel,,cant just be drink,,,bpd prob yes? I think that they see us as a massive threat once we know somethings not right,,we could jeopardize the whole life !! Think about it now !! What if employer found out about drinking,bpd,,etc,Local community she mixes with,,friends,family,,,How embarrassing this could be,,coping with that would push most people over the edge.I think they push us away,dissociate,split,devalued,or whatever,,for more factors than just fear of abandonment or intimacy,its their whole way of life thats at stake.Really tough to trust us for various reasons other than love i think !!!

      • savorydish said

        Drinking is not the problem. Why alcoholics drink is. Traumatic memories, mood swings, anxieties, etc. These are all reasons why people drink.

  110. ty1985 said

    Savory. I have some pretty important questions for you, if you dont mind. It may be a bit nostalgic. You have read my grief with my ex undiagnosed bpd gf. I guess it was a bit more tough for me to remove myself from the emotional abuse because my ex wasnt a raging lunatic. She was a quiet girl, seemingly delicate and somewhat introvert. I feel this could make it worse because she actually pulls on the heart strings even more and I didnt even know what I was getting into. Its almost like a silent assassin. There were plenty times of pure rage of course which definitely is not normal but it came from this little sweet girl u think couldnt harm a fly. Would you agree??

    Secondly… its been over 3 months now and im making great progress. I can say im just about out of the “fog” . I do stray now and then with thoughts about her but I catch myself and change my thought process. Ive told my friends to please not tell me about her doings on Facebook and yet today a mate of mine said it seems like she has found another guy. I was a bit stunned. Is that natural? How did you feel when you found out ? U see I slept with my ex the very first night we met ,BIG RED FLAG yet we joked about it. She was with a guy before me for 4 yrs then 1 month after that break up she was with me for 1 and a half yrs. So my ex isnt promiscuous to my knowledge.

    The last thing she said to me before splitting me black was that she respects herself and will not be with another guy for a long long time but knowing what I know now that is crazy talk because they need that intamacy to fill the void in their life which we all know will NEVER last. Ive been prepping for this day and I just want to know what you did or felt to move on from it. I guess theres also a case of inevitability, so one would think ” ok now that its happened and shes found another targert,, I can move on ”

    Would like your thoughts and maybe a discussion on this please . Sorry for the bombardment. Im just learning more everyday.

    • savorydish said

      My ex slept with the first guy she met while we were on a break. That was the most painful. After she split me black she slept with every guy in town. After three months she married someone she had just met. I didn’t deal with it very well. But after time had past I had stopped giving a shit. It helped to know this was a disorder. But detaching from her emotionally and seeing her for who she is was how I learned to not take it personally.

      • MovingForward85 said

        Im sorry to hear that. It seems like either way, whether the borderliner is subtle or not, its terribly painful none the less. I mean.. for all we put it, its always going to be a lose lose situation. How are you now? Are you doing well and in a new relationship? Do you ever find yourself cautious and skeptical of certain scenarios?

        I dont want my ex to have caused me to be too skeptical for future relationships, yet on the other hand I will definitely look out for the red flags my ex had shown during our relationship.

      • savorydish said

        I am skeptical of all relationships. But otherwise fine. I was in a relationship but I broke it off when familiar patterns arose. Thanks for asking.

      • Gerard Jacques said

        That’s almost exactly what happened to me. We took a break. And the very next day she slept a guy she had already kissed behind my back (the reason for the break!), then tried to come back to me, then discarded me, then begged to get me back.

        She probably did more than just kiss-cheat the first time, I’m sure, which was followed by the first ever instance of her silent treatment. I remember it clearly, she blamed her aloofness, would you believe, on her period. But I knew better.

        And would you believe, as soon as she felt me drifting away emotionally, she wanted to have sex with me and chased me for a solid five months…until I wanted her back, unsurprisingly.

  111. niceguy said

    Hi all.. Well im enjoying reading your stories,,,i dont mean that in a sick way either,haha,,enjoying as in learning a lot from all of you,,Erm ty 1985 im hearing you talk about your relationship,,as the meek and mild little sweet quiet sole,,shy and timid. Yes thats exactly like my gf was.. You would never believe that they could change son much,,and seemingly be so cruel to us.. Knowing your partner of many years sleeping as well,,,must be soul destroying,,really how do they do it with no remorse? I think you all seem to be coping and addressing it very well,,good luck for the future i say !!x

    • savorydish said

      Shy, timid and introverted. This is how borderlines begin. Afraid of the world. My ex pretends to be a socialite, but she is still that shy girl deep inside. So she puts on airs and a mask to fool everyone into thinking she is ok.

      My ex was scariest when she was sitting there quietly. Because I knew a typhoon was inside her head. I knew something was about to snap.

      She never threw things or screamed. She just silently sat there. But days later she would come out of her cocoon saying things and doing things you’d never imagine. It was like Dr Jekyll had come out to play. It was like she had a split personality. Very scary.

      There was definitely a dark and evil side to contrast the sometimes sweet and innocent side. A night of binge drinking could bring out the darkside, but she could also be triggered by something you said.
      Emotionally unstable is the best way to put it.

      • MovingForward85 said

        I agree. Her shy introvert ways was actually exactly what I was looking for in a girl before we started dating. Strange how its said that the bpd can attract good, decent guys on to turn on them later on. Its just tough cause when I look back I cant exactly say she purposely hooked me in so she could hurt me. That wasn’t her first intention. Its sad in a way because they mean well but the fears become too much to handle and inevitably things will fall apart. I popped onto bpdcentral last night and read more horrifying stories there oh my goodness. These poor men who like us dated these bpd for a few years only to (in their words) make the mistake of marrying their partner and it turned into a life of hell. Young and old.

        Niceguy… its me ty1985, I just changed my name.

        I am doing better. Been just over 3 months now since I was split black. Its still tough. I have the odd dream of my ex which is the damn worst cause it feels real. Also the odd thought. Where I am now to where I was 2 months ago is worlds apart. Its quite amazing when they use the analogy of the relationship being “toxic” cause thats exactly how it feels. Its as if I was poisoned by the emotional abuse and its taken months to seep from my system.

        Had a small shock yesterday finding out for the first time that my ex has indeed found another guy. Strange thing is… I kinda feel relieved. It was inevitable but I was kinda sitting and thinking to myself about when this day is gonna come that she finds a new guy ( or should I say target) . I feel sorry for this guy cause he is gonna be sucked in and spat out just like I was. All from this little angel*.

        I dont ever see my ex getting better either. Her mom and dad have a PD. Dad probs bpd and mom bipolar. The grandfather committed suicide. My ex brother and sister PD’s too. Its sad . Long line of misery . Its scary how I only see this now… when you on the outside. Thank god im outta there! Its for the best. She did me a huge favour.

      • savorydish said

        Yeah. The disloyalty is the worst part, but when you realize that this is who they are you are able to move on. You realize there was nothing there to begin with.

        The guy who married my ex can have her. They probably deserve each other. I often wonder how long it will take him to smell the coffee. He’s in denial right now. But denial only lasts for so long.

      • MovingForward85 said

        As for niceguys question..” do they not feel remorse?”.

        Ive had enough experience With my ex bpd and done enough research to suggest that its a matter of 80/20. 20% they do feel remorse and sorry for what they did. I saw small apologies, feeling depressed cause she hurt me, crying uncontrollably because she had upset me etc. The 80% comes in to suggest NOT because they cant even forgive themselves due to their terribly warped self image. Its kinda imprinted in them to not feel that guilt because… remember a bpd feelings are amplified by 1000. If they felt remorse they would simply fall apart!. So they block it that guilt out and move on.

        Also feeling that remorse would mean to delve deep inside themselves and thats nearly impossible for them cause they are to emotionally damaged. Its like crawling through a field of barbed wire and broken glass to get a key. You want that key… but you are gonna cause extremely horrifying pain to yourself.

        So the easiest thing to do for a bpd is to move from relationship to relationship, they fill their void for a yr or so and once they realise its not working , they find another victim. Rather take the easy road and hurt loved ones then taking the hard road and dealing with their demons.

      • savorydish said

        Great analogy MF. They do feel remorse every now and then, but then they suppress it and compartmentalize it. As you said, it is too painful to be conscious of it. It is easier to erase that person from their memory banks and pretend it never happened. Then onto the next guy.

        ps- I reposted the article because there have been so many comments lately. It can be found on the front page.

  112. niceguy said

    Morning all,,, Those comments you have all just pointed out are just so educating!!i already feel like im making progress as to answers i could never seem to find. We dont gey any from our bpd partners,,they just drop us like shite! Fuuny thing is you mention the sweet innocent introvert,etc etc,,well when we first met that was what she like about me also,,the fact i was soft natured,didnt really swan around pubs looking for the girls,,i was faithful in all the 20 year marriage to my wife!!! she love all that,,and the fact i,d had a twenty year marriage she envied.She said she had never had a long term relationship but she wished she could,,,she even asked me to point out where i thought she was going wrong,,however i dont think that is really a good idea as if she didnt agree she then didnt like me saying it,lol,,,what do u do for the best.
    As moving forward85 mentions !!! i loved the innocent needing comfort and help side of my gf,,and at first she was so grateful and appreciated even small meaningless normal gestures..she would always text thanking me for the great day out,,even after she told me as her dropped her off,,she would still text later to say thanks.This was nice i thought,,i thought she seemed so kind and loving,,,something i never got for years from my wife!! we all need to be loved in some way,,it has to work both ways or a relationshipis doomed.
    I felt she was so genuine ” are they genuine or is it an act” when all breaks out i know we think it was an act,,as its all we cant grasp to explain whats gone on. However i really do think it is genuine and they are sincere at the begining..As you said 85,,,thats what we both wanted in a woman,,honesty,kindness,thoughtfulness,loving and seemingly attentative to what we want. However seemingly she wanted the same in a man,,she explained if she didnt see the nice side of me from the start then she wouldnt have carried on seeing me..
    Hi ty1985,,im pleased you feel u moving on ok,,i myself am slowly with the help of your answers and everyone answers on here,,,such a great help,,.The word u used “silent assassin”made me laugh actually…hit the nail on the head i think.. I still struggle to fathom out why they just cant actually open up to us when they feel they are getting close,,then we could embrace it more and maybe reassure them we wont abandon them so easily as we would have a little understanding of whats going on.
    The way the rejection comes on leaves us totally in the dark,bemused,hurt and betrayed. They wont even let us know why ??? why do they not give an answer,,,,i have noticed that they dont seem to lie or give a false answer “which would be what normal folk would probably do” maybe at this stage of stripping they cant lie !! i know my gf has never yet said she didnt love me !! she just would answer that question… you would think she,d just say no to get rid of us,piss us off more if you like. All the pain of them not letting us help them is so destroying to ourselves.. Makes me feel guilty thats she on a slippery slope downhill especially as my gf just blamed her drink problem !!! Do you think she knows its more than drink,,ie mental or bpd/bipolar maybe..You cant address it with them can we,,they will go for us all guns blazing… However ive used a little tactic of my own,,ive left clues that i know she can see on fb,,joined all the bpd sites etc,,,she will see im looking at them. Wether or not this will make her hate me more i dont know. What i hope is that she opens some pages and has a look and take some of it in,,she may address her problem with some “indirect help if you like”.. This is the only way i can get to make her see,,,.Maybe they dont want to learn about it,,how do we know,, ” Savorydish,,ty1985 and movingforward,,what do you and all followers think on that…as one of u pointed out! drinking is caused by a deep rooted problem,,going way back!! and as you say !! will they ever admit it to us,,i dont think so,,”thanks guys” hope u all have a great day and keep all our chins up,x

    • MovingForward85 said

      The reason I think why we dont get an answer is because we got too close. Its just laws of attraction. We got too intimate being the nice genuine guys that we are and they wouldnt bare the fact of us leaving them . Even though we woulnt leave.. its an ongoing mental drive which simply pushes them to feel that we will abandon them. Unfortunately we can not really rationally figure out exactly why the did what they did because we are healthy minded. You need to just understand the disorder and take into account a bpd deepest darkest fears.

    • savorydish said

      Don’t hold your breath NG. I started this blog in hopes my ex would read it and come clean. It’s been years now and no sign of change. They have to want to change themselves. Otherwise, there is no hope.

  113. Mariah said

    My last comment on here was not a positive one. But since we talked things have been better, and he has been stable for a long time. I almost left and he started changing and avoiding and getting used to triggers.

    • savorydish said

      Be careful of changes that are made to keep you around just a little longer.

      • Mariah said

        He’s changing because he wants to, not because I was about to leave. We made a game plan and now I know how to handle his black side. But I haven’t had to deal with it in awhile. They won’t change unless they want to or want help with habits and triggers. I’ve been with him for almost three years now we have been pretty happy

      • savorydish said

        Glad to hear it. I hope it works out. Keep us updated.

        That being said, I am a little concerned.

        The last time you wrote, you were distraught. And now you make it sound like everything is hunky dory.

        The dramatic change is a bit alarming. Game plan or no game plan. He is a man with BPD. Just recently diagnosed. He’s got a good 7 years of treatment ahead of him.

        This means good behavior will be temporary. Consider if you are strong enough to put up with his ups and downs. It seems to have already taken a toll on you. I want you to consider your own condition before you decide to take on this monumental task.

      • savorydish said

        @ Charlotte Hutchinson

        Your comments were deleted. Not because you have an opposing point of view, but because you only seem interested in childish name-calling and lashing out like a true borderline. When you are ready to act like an adult, I will post your comments.

  114. niceguy said

    Well hi again guys and dolls,,hope ur all well.Just a quick question relating to childhood treatment etc,,Do you ever hear of bpd mothers taking their past and frustrations out on their own kids. Or do they have control when it comes to teir own,,they too are close surely,,i suppose your own child is not like a friend or a sister or brother.Surely feelings run a lot deeper!Does the fact they seem to control their frustrations with their offspring not prove they can control this disorder to some degree,, do they ever split their own kids,?? Just a thought or two would be good guys,thanks

  115. niceguy said

    When we have been devalued or split etc,, i remember my gf told me she thought id given up on her,,she split me,,really horrible out the blue,,told me never contact her again,,we are nothing like each she said,,however she kept say we get on so well,,she said she couldnt get to the bottom of things herself???assaulted me with text abuse,,then would text saying she loved me no doubts!! “confusing or what” no further explanations were given!!! “i was shocked i can tell u “as i didnt contact her while apart as she kept telling me to leave her alone. This seems so strange they complain you dont try to talk to them,,but its so humiliating trying too,,,as we dont know the response we are going to get,,if we are rejected again we feel like an idiot for trying. It plays havoc with your emotions as to what to do for the best.
    If they dont want us in their lives,,,then why do they follow us on fb etc still.She told me she kept checking my fb site as i had it public,,However she said she couldnt talk to me,,only by texts,,as if she was frightened to face me. We were so close a week ago,,i begged her to open up to me,,told her she could trust me in confidence,,Please tell me how u feel,,The answer i got was,,” i cant promise to tell you of my feelings,but i will try hard”.This still is a very shallow answer and i never to know her feelings as she told me to leave her alone again. It seems to me like they want us to chase them,ask them questions, but then they hate us for it.
    i always remember her saying i was such a strong charachter,i would never be oppressed,,i had a lovely nature and thats why she loved being with me,,nice words i thought !! after reading some of the blogs i think this was her looking for a weakness really so she can use me for her own needs. Or is it because she maybe thought i would withstand her barrage of abuse when she split me. Do they study the traits of a person before meeting them,get to know us a little first,,i know thats what she did with me on fb for 4 months before we met,,she kept commenting how nice i was to people etc. They are like a praying mantis,,watching our every move until they strike ??? oh dear,too late is the cry.
    Im sure all of us move on in their own ways,,but its so hard,,i think about her everyday,,i still love her. Its been 3 months since the split,,at first we had the odd text between us,,saying hope ur ok,,thats was me relating to her drink problem,, as this is what she blames for the break up.Then she ignored my last two texts asking how she was doing.. From friends one afternoon to not even been civil by text is so unbelievable,,so cruel,Not even a merry xmas or new year.. what do they go to these extremes for,,?? will we ever understand,,i think not. ,You and your friends on these sites are so good for people like myself and others,,you give us some sense of normality and make us try and understand the situation thats destroying us. Thanks.

    • MovingForward85 said

      NiceGuy like I said before. You can not rack your brain trying to understand their patterns. Its not possible for the healthy minded. Shes been back and forth with you because she is emotionally unstable and clearly does not respect your feelings. You need to understand that your emotions and best interests is NOT taken into account with her. Its better for you to move on and realise its a blessing that your relationship has ended because things only get worse.

      • niceguy said

        Thanks savorydish and moving forward85,,,i will try my best, i have stopped trying to contact her now,,it is pointless,,but rejection without answers is so difficult to come to terms with. I will be reading your blogs daily and i will comment where appropriate,,keep up the good work !!cheers

      • savorydish said

        Don’t expect the answers to come from her. Even if you do get a response it will be a warped version of reality.

  116. MovingForward85 said

    Hi again Savory. Ive got a couple things I’d like to ask you please. Would appreciate it.

    I suppose im a bit shaken up this morning due to a dream I had of my ex last nyt. In reality my ex is 25 now ok, im 29. Anyways.. in my dream I saw 2 lines of girls ( all girls similar age to my ex ) facing each other. These girls were playing hopscotch. I walked up and saw my ex and she was so happy to see me. She hugged and kissed me, and I felt so happy and relieved that she had kinda “split me white again” so to speak. As if we were together again. Whilst we were talking, I looked around just for a moment and as I turned back to face her…. she was gone. I got worried and obviously panicked because I thought she may be in danger. I walked around looking for her everywhere until I bumped into 2 people ( i didnt know them ), I asked them if they had seen my ex. They kept pointing and saying ” there she is right there” …and everytime I’d look where they were pointing, I wouldnt see her. Eventually I remember feeling exhausted, sad and broken. I didnt want to give up looking for her but I just could not find her. I didnt know if she had gone or if she was hiding but it was very taxing on me.

    I woke up feeling drained and absolutely stunned at how sad I feel. The dream felt so real. Do you think you could possibly give me an explanation as to why this has happened? Why I dreamt this and what it could mean? just Interested to know what you may think and if this is normal???.

    In reality now , it brought back so much emotional pain that I had obviously put up with whilst with her. Pain I can identify ONLY because im now outside looking in. I didnt know I was subjecting myself to it when her and I were together. It wasn’t violent, it wasn’t there for everyone to see. I still remember her telling me a couple months back that she felt that our relationship was heading in a downward spiral and she was very upset… yet.. I VERY CLEARLY remember quite the opposite. We had amazing times together. Went up and down the coast to camp, had lunches and dinner. All different exciting outings that I know for fact that she had the most amazing times. Even got hundreds of pics of these outings together on facebook with her smiling and having a blast. Also her constantly telling me how much she loved me etc, YET… after all those amazing times, when she was upset , she’d almost pretend that they didn’t happen and say that she was battling.

    Its almost as if she cant remember how she felt at those times. Isnt there a psyc word for that? I remember coming across it a while ago. Not sure if you understand what im getting at here though but she would almost completely forget those wonderful things we did together and she actually forgets how she felt at those times.

    That was one of the tougher things I had to get through with her. There were of course other things like, always needing me around her. I’d see my friends twice a month and she would say im putting my friends infront of her. Id see her 6 days a week and she honestly convinced herself that I hadnt. The one time I actually physically remember counting the days I spent with her routinely everyweek. Every single day except Monday. She looked me straight in the face , started crying and said im lying. I was shocked and so confused.

    Its amazing how all this comes bubbling up all over again and theres people like Salty who think we dont get broken down and hurt.

    Im pretty sure whilst im here having the odd heart wrenching dream my ex has compartmentalised her feelings and emotion of me. Its almost unfair that she can split me black, blame me for everything, completely forget all the great times we had and move on whilst feeling void of any emotion towards me. Last thing I remember her saying to me was …..” what we had is now in the past “. I now can almost hear her bpd mind working. Distancing her emotion from reality. Putting me in a box and hiding me deep down inside her forever.

    Scary stuff.

    • savorydish said

      Hey MF. Well I’m not a therapist so I can’t analyze your dream. But it sounds like you miss her a lot and your subconscious is processing those feelings of longing. On some level you are still searching for the one you lost.

      When you describe periods of amnesia that sounds a like dissociation. When BPs are under stress they blank out. They detach from the moment.

      • MovingForward85 said

        But she detatched from previous moments. Not at that exact moment she was angry. I suppose I do miss her but dont we all miss our loved ones at some point? I definitely know it could never work , so im very aware of what I feel and what I know. Like I said earlier. . Its almost unfair how bpd can basically cancel their feeling for their loved one and move on. Surely if you are healthier minded, you will have to face ips and downs as you move on. I know im not depressed etc and I fully understand the PD and my role I had within the relationship because I am a helper.

      • MovingForward85 said

        Im gonna do some quick google searches and try find that psyc word I mentioned.

      • MovingForward85 said

        It is dissociation, savory. You are correct. That was very tough to listen to. Made me feel useless having to know that all the good times meant nothing to her in the end.

      • Mariah said

        Months ago I was hopeless About my relationship with my borderline boyfriend. But now everything is perfect. No fights, no random depressions, AND we live together now 🙂 ill keep you guys informed. We have been together nearly three years

      • MovingForward85 said

        Thanks mariah. I do wish you all the best. At least your boyfriend is aware of his disorder which is a big step forward. I hope things work out for you.

      • savorydish said

        It could also be confabulation.

  117. Salter Giddens said

    It’s been three years almost since I have posted anything here. Its been three years since my relationship with the guy I have believed to be borderline ended. I am not over him or the breakup–and I know that, I have known that for the past three years…but I did not expect to be a devastated and confused as I am today over a relationship that ended so long ago.
    Since the breakup, I have gone out of my way to avoid knowing anything about my ex, but two days ago, a friend told me that he had ran into my ex and my ex told him that he is moving to Australia. My friend meant well–he knows I haven’t dated anyone since the breakup–all of my friends want me over this guy and they all want him gone…I don’t want him gone–right now, I can’t stand the thought of it.
    I already knew my ex was seeing a guy he had met on Facebook–and the guy lives in Australia–my ex sent me a random Facebook message a year ago with the two of them together in the profile picture–I think that was really the purpose of the email–and it was painful–but I just assumed that the relationship would not go anywhere…I told myself, he’s borderline and this new relationship will end like all of his many relationships–like our relationship…but it hasn’t. They have been together for a year now…traveling back and forth between Los Angeles and Australia to see each other…and now my ex is moving there to be with him–and I feel like I just broke up with him–like it could have been yesterday…and I’m embarrassed to say that I can’t stop crying.
    I quickly went from avoiding knowing anything about him–straight to Facebook and saw the happy pictures of the two of them along with the declarations of love…and I’m wondering why him, the Australian and not me. Why is he moving a day away–leaving his life behind for another guy–how has he made it work with the distance between them…i couldn’t make it work and I live three blocks from him still. Why didn’t he love me, what did I do wrong…did I make him respond like a borderline–I ask myself if he’s really borderline–or have I researched and read about BPD–looking for something to tell myself to make it better for me? I ask myself if I could have/should have tried harder, done something different, something more–what does the Australian do…what does he have that I don’t? Did I ask for too much…and why did I wait till our relationship was over to research his behavior that led me to borderline–if I had done that sooner, could I have figured out how to make it work with him–how to take care of him? And if my ex is borderline, why does he seem to be so much in love…so adoring of this guy that is not me. And yet, in all sincerity I am happy that he is loved–I love him, how can I not be–and if he loves this Australian then I want him to be with him…i want him to know how amazing it is to love someone as much as I have loved him. Still, I lose.
    I feel like I have done nothing but lose since I got involved with him. I hurt so much still, I love him still…and he moves happily along–romantically, in love–to Australia in a couple of weeks…and I will be struggling to get through it–to avoid knowing anything more about it, to stay away from Facebook…and to not email him to say I’m sorry that I didn’t do more/try harder/understand and to say goodbye–another goodbye. For three years I have tried and hoped that I would not run into him in my neighborhood, that I would not see or hear or know anything about him or his life–that I wouldn’t have to feel the loss and pain anymore–and now I can’t bear the thought of him leaving and the chance of any of that happening going with him.
    What just happened to me? All that I have read, all of the work I’ve done, all of the effort and therapy…all of the progress–I am back where I started…trying to understand and to stop loving someone who hurt me–so very much.

    • savorydish said

      He still has a strong grip on you. And you are still broken inside. But you will find the strength. Just believe you can. I recently told someone they are no longer welcome in my life. It wasn’t easy but I saw she would never change.

      • April said

        It’s been a while since anyone has written in this. But I came across this in a dark place and I feel a blanket of understanding has been wrapped around me. I’m wondering if my ex friend has bpd?
        First I’m 24 and he is 17. He is being fostered by my cousins that’s how the friendship started. About every month or maybe 2 he would block me completely over something he’d see on my fb that he would think as directed at him. But in a few days o would message him to break the silence and things had their way of sorting themselves out. I knew he’s quite young but he’s very smart and if you knew him you’d never put him at 17, it’s why we got on so well. I live in Ireland and he is in the UK. I met him twice in Ireland. Iv known him 8 months. But our online contact has been constant. We talk every day for hours on the phone. I was supposed to see him this week. While sorting flights with my cousin he found out before I told him exactly the dates and freaked out at me. He told me he needed space and my cousin couldn’t collect me. I asked my cousin to find out he was lying. Since then he’s ignored me. 5 days. And today he’s told me he Doesn’t like me. We have nothing in common. He feels I’m stalking him I’m clingy even though he makes all the calls. The longest was for 6 hours. And he tells me I’m delusional to think I’m his friend. That I’m nothing to him
        And he won’t ever talk to me again coz he wants to get on with his life. Bearing in mind the week before we were talking daily and after every call he’d say love you. Please help I’m
        Devastated and confused! Thank you

      • savorydish said

        He sounds like an asshole. Whether or not he has BPD, you need to emotionally detach from him and his drama. Stop trying to figure him out or how to get back into his good graces. Push eject and never look back.

  118. Joshua said

    I just read every last post on here, from the beginning(little each day) and am sad I reached the end. This, as well as other sites/forums have been my source of strength and understanding through my healing process the last few months. We are a brotherhood if you will, having “won” the BPDex lottery, and my family and friends will never understand.
    I thought I would share my two cents in hopes it helps others as well. I am three months out of my sudden end with my BPDex, and although not depressed, I am still in shock, its surreal. I cant believe my best friend of years, soulmate, woman whom we discussed growing old together so often, hit eject at first sign of abandonment and had my replacement lined up. Its like the twilight zone, I have never felt more close and connected to anyone in my life, and the no closure, indifferent attitude she had in the end blows my mind.
    My story is just like yours, and yours, and yes, yours. So I will simply say to read voraciously and educate yourself the best you can on what it is that actually occurred. It is futile to attempt to understand their thought process, but having compassion for their disorder and constant hell they are in, helps to understand what drives them, and how they cant think about anyone but themselves and their next “source”. I personally believe I shared a great love with my ex, and still think I mean the world to her. I know I was closer to her than anyone. ever. Yet, her disorder causes her to bury that away as the shame of her abandoning all that is too much.
    I hope that helps some, but now I have a question…I am 3 months out, painted black. I am not depressed, and am functioning/trying to move forward. My question is, will I always be damaged from this? She was perfect to me, my soulmate, my best friend. I see the disorder and know it woulnt have worked, yet I compare everyone to her, and think of her 24/7. Im actually fearful other relationships will be boring or they wont stack up. Anyone else?

    • savorydish said

      There is always the danger of being bored by functional relationships. We are damaged in that way. We are addicted to the drama because it mirrors our childhood. And so the challenge is to break that pattern.

  119. untouchable face said

    I don’t know if this thread is still active, but I have a situation that you all may be able to help me understand.
    I am 59 y/o; last year lost my wonderful wife to cancer; have not been looking to date, etc.
    I am a professional, fairly recently a partner in a new business.Became friendly about 6 mo ago with a young woman at work who kind of flirted and made me feel good.
    She lives with a boyfriend and has for 4 years; said it was a sort of unusual relationship with no ‘spark’ and no physical intimacy.
    Over a 3 month period, we talked by phone 3-4 nights weekly, from 1-4 hours at a time.
    She opened up to me about many aspects of her life; a prior abusive relationship, a marriage that ended due to husband cheating, problems with eating disorder and depression.
    There was an obvious attraction and a lot of sexually charged talk. Also she told me that she knew that one day some woman was going to ‘snatch me up’ and it would hurt her, so she was afraid to get close.
    She obviously began to weigh the pros and cons of her current relationship vs one with me and told me that we could have excitement, but that she now has security.
    Also told me that when people got close to her she pushed them away and cut them off completely and that she would do the same thing to me. That she cared about me and couldn’t stand the thought of hurting me.Mentioned that any of her ex-boyfriends would take her back at any time.
    About 3 months ago, she told me that a wave of severe depression came over her and scared her badly.
    Around that same time, I could sense her pulling away from me and we quit talking and much less texting. Sh began obviously avoiding me at work; no eye contact, kept office door closed, etc.
    Once we happened to arrive at elevator together and she abruptly turned and walked down the stairs. I saw on her face and FELT from her body language an extreme hostility the likes of which I have never encountered.
    I recently went on a trip and texted her to ask what she wanted me to bring her. She replied she would luke a rock and that she really liked some earrings I brought her 4 months ago because they came from the earth.
    I came back this week and left a very nice gift for her in her office–the ‘rock’ actually a very nice and unusual gemstone, then 2 days later left another gift- a bracelet.
    As of now, I have heard nothing from her, no ‘thank you’, no ‘fuck you’, no ‘get lost.’
    She often records songs and sends them to me. The first was ‘Wicked Game’ and the most recent, 2-3 weeks ago was Johnny Cash’s ‘Hurt’ which was chilling and I suspect meant for me as either a clue as to her emotional state +/or a warning (‘I will let you down, I will make you hurt’)
    My questions are:
    1. Does she likely have BPD?
    2. Does she care about me? A lot? A little? Not at all?
    3. Is she likely to quit pushing me away at some point?
    4. How can I help her?
    I text her 2-3 times per week, usually to reassure her that I’m still around and care about her. Don’t know if that matters or not- usually no response.
    The last time we talked on phone it was 30 min fairly pleasant about work. But when I mentioned my confusion about what was going on with us, her whole demeanor changed and she cried and said she couldn’t talk about it.
    I really care about her and I don’t agree with people whose ‘Run like hell and don’t look back!’
    Mind you, we have never even had a date, much less a relationship. But I would be open to it and believe I’m strong enough after all I’ve been through to face the challenges. But I wish I could know what she’s thinking about me. I’ve told her that if my texts and attentions are annoying to her to let me know and they will stop.She doesn’t respond so I guess not.
    Her behavior is horribly inconsiderate, but I can’t be angry because I suspect that she may be hurting worse than I am!

    • savorydish said

      Sorry to hear about the loss of your wife.

      It must have left a terrible void in your life. The problem is you have chosen to fill that void with a terribly troubled woman. I can’t tell you to run, because I’ve been in that position many times myself. All I can tell you is my own experience with these kinds of women has been horrible.

      You will NEVER find happiness with this woman. She is more damaged than you know. And you are unqualified to help her in any way. Your pursuit of her is actually triggering past trauma for her.

      She has given you AMPLE warning. You are doing yourself a great disservice by ignoring her warnings. These women are like quicksand. Get too close and they will take you down with them.

      You seem like a decent person and she knows this. That’s why she is warning you to stay away. Her self-esteem is so low, she will seek out self-destructive men. She is attracted to you because she senses your pain and loss. But ultimately, you are not damaged enough for her. She will dump you and find some low-life that makes her feel normal.

      Women like this flirt with normalcy but deep down they know they can never attain it. You are a flight of fantasy… A hope of a healthy and romantic relationship. But you are both fooling yourselves.

      In her current state, she is incapable of intimacy. Take a good minute, to take this statement in. Let it soak in.
      This push and pull behavior is just a taste of the pain this woman will deliver. She is an iceberg and you have only seen the tip of her dysfunction.

      • johnscabin said

        I agree with the comments made by the person responding to the 59 year old man who lost his wife a year ago to cancer.

        I’m also in my late 50’and lost my wife to cancer years ago. 3 mos after my wife’s death, still deep in grief, I met a beautiful, sexy, mysterious lady who had also lost her husband to death.

        I didn’t understand the traits of BPD until we were married and she left me 2 years after marriage. I learned later that she had an eating disorder growing up, used to cut herself, and had a mother who left her growing up and verbally abused her.

        While we were married, she would tell me one day I was the most romantic, incredible man she has ever met. A few days later she would scream I was a monster. She would run away and I would find her. She came back 3 times but eventually cleaned out the house and left me.

        I learned later that she was incapable of having true intimacy. She loved sex, but it was just her release from the tornado inside her. Any time I would get too close she started raging, turning over framed photos in our house or tearing up pictures and running out the door. I thought I was going to help her change…WRONG. She threatened suicide often and started cutting herself. For 2 years, It was 3 days of hell, then she would tell me how great I was…we would have sex and then the tornado funnel would soon appear…I was always being told what I couldn’t do right (which I later learned was transference stemming from her past).

        Unfortunately, she refused to get help from a doctor or counselor. These people will always run and they will always be unhappy deep down inside until they decide to reach out and get help. Like a tornado, these people will hurt everyone in their path that tries to get too close. It’s a shame, but true.

        A loving relationship is a two way street with two people wanting to give to the other with nothing in return. Someone with BPD is a beautiful car on a one way highway…open the hood and you’ll find a nightmare of tangled up wires and parts patched together by duct tape.

        My advice is to be respectful to this woman and just leave her alone. The warnings signs are there.

      • savorydish said

        Well said. And thank you for sharing. Let’s hope he takes your advice.

  120. Reading this blog of yours makes absolute sense to me and I can relate with every single thing that you said. Years ago I dated a guy that had borderline and it was a nightmare and recently I have and friendship with a woman that I went to HighSchool with we have become very close friends best friends and she is borderline and of course at first things were so cool we would have fun and talk and she was just this totally different person and came across as the sweetest thing that has been dealt so many bad hands in her life and believe me she has I’m not belittling that. Then she started to get jealous of me and she’s in love with this guy who is 20 years younger than us and for some reason in her mind she just swears that we are going to fall in love and I want nothing to do with that she is my friend I’m not interested in a boy that is 20 years younger than me. And her mind I have already done God knows what and I don’t understand it because her anger is directed towards me and not at the girl that he has recently found. It is very bizarre I have never been a threat and the threat the real life threat she is so nice to and me she treats like shit and this is even after she has slit her wrists and I have saved her life and try to nurse her back to health she screaming at me because he likes my posts on Facebook? I allowed this to go on for a while because I knew she was hurting but it is gotten ridiculous and I have lost my cool with her twice and totally blew up and yelled but yet somehow it is still my fault about everything but I feel like I am being held emotionally hostage because if I call this friendship off she will kill herself and she knows this about me and obviously knows how to play me and I allow it but it is getting to the point where I am so angry with her I can barely stand to be in the same room with her because pretty soon here it comes over he liked your post and not mine he liked your picture and not mine and I’m like why don’t you yell at his new-found girlfriend and not me I don’t even know him I don’t know why I’m venting I’m just so confused and I know with my ex boyfriend I knew he wasn’t going to change so I had to and I couldn’t take it anymore. I started to emulate his behavior and I feel like I am doing that with her and people are classifying me as a drama queen because I am her friend and she goes and tells people lies about me and that I’m crazy and that I am mean to her and it is not true it makes me angry and sick. I protect her like crazy to people I Shield her from people that are sick of her drama and she has no clue that was me she makes things up and honest to God I think she hates me. I have had to block her on Facebook because of the Hitler campaign thing and I get so angry and I want to stick up for myself but she will blow up my phone and be so sweet and make all those BS Promises of change that never happened. She will acknowledge my feelings for maybe about 10 minutes because she has been abandoned because I have gotten so pissed off but as soon as I forgive her it is back to being jealous and blaming me for this guy she likes liking my stuff on Facebook and not hurt it is so stupid I feel stupid saying it. I guess I’m just reaching out I just happened to come across your blog doing research about borderlines and best friends and I have studied this disorder inside and out that I have never been in a situation where a best friend is a borderline and I feel emotionally taken hostage but yet I love her too there are great things about her but I am feeling really really bad and I don’t feel good after I talk to her or see her anymore and she isn’t bringing me anything but down and she tries to guilt me because I guess I have things that she wants which confuses me because she is a beautiful person but I also know these people have no sense of self. Don’t get me wrong I totally respect borderlines because they feel so deeply and they are Their Own Worst Enemy but I get confused if they are so afraid of abandonment a lot of them do a really good job of running people off and then it is always that person’s fault. Then they can go and say see I told you she abandon me me see I told you she was crazy and a piece of crap blah blah blah I attract borderlines and I wonder if it’s because my mother is 1? I wonder if it’s because I am 2 kind and I let them walk on me and I give them all they need and I get nothing and this is my fault absolutely my fault for allowing it it is like I am closer to her than just a best friend and even a sister and you had mentioned caregiver and that made perfect sense because that is what I’ve been I have been her counselor her strength and her caregiver but yes she goes to people and tell them how bad I am and that I’m crazy? That breaks my heart and it makes me blind with rage. I’m not a narcissist so it isn’t that being the reason why I attract borderlines. I just wonder if it’s because of my mom butt honest to God I hate her sometimes because she’s cruel and says things to me that no mother should ever say I guess I’m just very confused as to why I attract these people like moths to a flame and I’m sorry for going on and on but this actually felt really good I have been needing to do something like this to just get it out to a total stranger that understands borderline. I appreciate your blog here it really struck a chord with me I can relate even though me and this girl are not lovers but it is like we are deeper than sisters and best friends because of the caregiver thing. I’m afraid to turn my ringer off at night in fear that she will drink and slit her wrists and try to call me and I won’t be there thank you for reading this so very much my name is Emily

  121. Mandy said

    8 years i tried, only to be cut off as if i am dead to him. We have a child together. So hurtful.

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