Move the Fuck On

January 28, 2014

As I’ve said before, I am a magnet for borderline women. But there comes a time when even I can not tolerate the craziness and the drama. So I tell them, “Let’s just be friends”… thinking the drama will be downsized.

It seems natural to me for two ex-lovers to be friends even when things don’t work out. After all, we were so close before the break up, we should be close after the break up.

This is not the way many borderline women see it. They see it as a slap across the face. A stabbing pain in their heart.

The untreated/unaware borderline might initially agree to be friends. But soon (sometimes the next day), you will notice your new friend is being awfully prickly. Some might say bitchy. She will start a laundry list of all the things that make you unworthy of being her friend.

Funny, because (before you broke up with her) she thought you were the most amazing man she had ever met. Before the break up, you were the kindest/most loving man in the world. You were a catch. Even her own friends and family had remarked that they had never seen her happier.

Before the break up, she couldn’t get enough of you. She might have called/texted you every day, at all hours. She was at your place, whenever you had free time. But after the break-up, she gets annoyed when you contact her. She tells you she’s busy.

You have become a nuisance to her. Eventually, she tells you she is moving on. But what she is really telling you is “move the fuck on!” “Get out of my face.” “I never want to see you again.” She will be cold and brutal. The sweet and tender side of your ex-lover has completely disappeared.

Suddenly, she will accuse you of being too needy (oh, the irony). She will twist your words and bait you into fights. She will accuse you of being crazy, even abusive. She will say all sorts of horrible things because this is what a borderline does in the face of rejection.

She will actually make it seem like she is the one rejecting you. The borderline ego is very very fragile. That is when she becomes the most delusional. She will tell her friends and family that you are pestering/stalking her. All because you had the audacity to suggest you should stay friends.

Why the sudden change in opinion? Well, you broke up with her. You abandoned her. You rejected her. All the things the borderline fears more than death. She will never admit it, but she is devastated. The only way she can cope is to split you black, which includes demonizing you and devaluing your worth to her.

This allows her to emotionally detach without remorse. She will convince herself that you deserve to be treated like shit, because that is the only way she can live with herself. But she is kidding herself. The borderline is not without remorse. She just buries it deep down inside. She compartmentalizes it. She cries at night. She retreats to a world of delusion and denial. But all the while, the remorse feeds on her heart like a cancer.

This is a pattern of behavior that I have seen play out over and over again. By now, I know the routine by heart. It is impossible for a borderline in denial to stay friends with me. I know too much. She wants to stay in denial. She can not have someone like me who is constantly confronting her with her true nature. She needs to run away and find the warm shelter of a codependent relationship. She needs to find an enabler that will play along with the lies. Someone who will ignore the elephant in the room.

Friendship is not possible. Because to her, it feels like rejection.

Children of Alcoholics

January 26, 2014

I’ve had to say goodbye to a lot of people who were once near and dear to me. The one thing they all had in common? They were all children of an alcoholic parent. They also showed signs of borderline personality disorder. So the question is- are children of alcoholics more likely to develop BPD?

In the world of BPD, there are no hard answers. But first we must ask- what is an alcoholic? It is not merely someone who drinks copious amounts of alcohol. In most cases, it is someone who suffers from an extreme mood disorder. Unfortunately, most of these moody people are choosing to self-medicate with alcohol, which numbs their pain but intensifies their mood swings. Sometimes, causing them to act out violently or emotionally abuse loved ones.

All of this can lead to traumatic experiences for a child who is already genetically predisposed to mood disorders. These children grow up to be adults who cannot figure out why their relationships are always a mess or why they sabotage intimacy. They can’t figure out why drama and chaos follow them wherever they go. But if you know about BPD, then you know the answer to all these questions and more.

Here is a forum thread on this topic:

Sadness in the Trash

January 11, 2014

A raging borderline from the UK is now in the trash. Like many before her, she could not handle the Truth. It made her foam at the mouth. She lashed out with insults, hoping to belittle me, bait me and take me down… hoping to make me feel as terrible as she does.

She claims we are judging borderlines unfairly. But her rageful comments have only confirmed what we all know to be true and perpetuates the stigma she claims to be fighting.

Had she been more sympathetic to people who have suffered at the hands of untreated borderlines, we might have seen her in a softer light. We might think twice about what science tells us to be true. But she can not help herself. That is her disorder.

She has made the mistake of thinking that I am her enemy. But the reality is she is her own worst enemy.

The story is an all too familiar one in the world of borderline personality disorder- Boy meets girl.  Girl falls madly in love with boy. Boy decides she is the one. Boy finds out girl has serious issues. Girl agrees to therapy. Girl stresses out and runs from boy. Girl cuts boy out of her life forever. One young man recounts his experiences falling in love with a borderline:

In any case, I’m in my Senior year in college and dated a girl for a year and a half, and she’s been thru it all. First off, she is smart, funny, and absolutely gorgeous. However, she was raped, sexually assaulted, saw a friend die, has a mom with biploar, really odd boyfriends, etc…when I met her I went thru most of which you guys wouldn’t be surprised to hear. I stopped her from cutting, hitting herself, had to calm her during flashbacks, panic attacks, suicidality, etc.

The bond that is established between a trauma survivor and a person that becomes the caregiver is much more intense than your average relationship. It is a codependent relationship for sure, but it is also highly addictive for both parties. When that trauma includes rape, the caregiver is biting off more than they can chew.

We also had numerous, heated arguments that led to us breaking up almost every week. Often she would try to make me jealous by flirting with other guys, or just start fights for no reason, often throwing things, screaming terrible insults at me, etc. I stood by her thru all of this because when she was actually healthy we were pretty amazing together. I always knew in the back of my mind that this girl was borderline, and biploar, and odds are it wouldn’t work out.

Nothing hurts more than going out of the way to care for someone with extraordinary emotional needs only to have them lash out at you in extraordinarily cruel ways. A BP is use to abusive/ dead-end relationships. When they finally meet someone who is kind and giving, they freak out. They feel unworthy of someone who is in it for the long haul. And so the self-sabotage begins. Unconsciously, they push their lover away. And then ruthlessly punish them, when they finally do drift away.

BPs are not evil people. They are terribly insecure and emotionally damaged. But a terribly insecure person can do horrible things to someone who loves them. Ironically, a BP is more likely to harm someone who loves them than someone who neglects them. To their credit, the partners of BPs are able to forgive BPs for what most people would consider unforgivable. This requires a tremendous amount of patience and tolerance. Most people would abandon a BP. But the few who do stick it out, hope for better days.

Then, I helped convince her to go to McLean Hospital, and seek DBT therapy. She definitely improved, and after that all of a sudden the relationship changed. She was an amazing girlfriend, did whatever she could to help me, was SO loyal to me, and basically everything I could have ever wanted. Last semester (Sept. 2009-Dec. 2009) things just skyrocketed. We practically lived together and hung out all the time

This sounds like a really inspiring story right?!?! I mean, for months my friends and my family told me that we could never have a normal relationship, they would sit me alone in my room everyday and tell me to get out before I got hurt. Even they started to admit they were wrong, and we were really on our way. I made the mistake of really letting my guard down, I completely ignored the fact that she was bipolar and could change her mind any second. I really believed that this was the right girl for me, and that we would be together forever. Before I was honestly afraid of breaking up with her because she was so attached to me, but that stopped even being a possibility. She would talk about our wedding, kids, family, future, everyday, and I really started to believe we would have all of that.

BPs are very good at pulling people into their drama. They are even better at giving false hope. When a BP can no longer deny their issues, they will promise to seek help. For a short period of time, the BP will display signs of improvement. But these are short-term gains, mostly superficial improvements. During this period, BPs are on their best behavior. They are putting up a facade of good mental health. But just one bump in the road is all it takes for the facade to fall off.

When February started, all of a sudden everything just changed. We had a hard conversation where she told me that she was really worried about being long-distance, and that her therapist at McLean might tell her she has to break up with me because distance is so hard on her.

It doesn’t take much for a BP to be discouraged. In their defense, dealing with BPD/Rape trauma is no easy task. But it is not unusual for a BP to throw in the towel after a few months of therapy. Whether or not the therapist actually told her to break up with her boyfriend is questionable. Sometimes a BP hears what he/she wants to hear. It is more likely that this BP finally succumbed to her fears of abandonment. A BP breaks off a relationship as a preemptive measure against his/her own heart break.They break your heart before you can break theirs. In some ways, it gives them control.

Also because she was too dependent on me this year, and next year it would be a hard transition to be without me– I was her whole life. I knew I was really in for a hard, hard time after that talk. The next day, petty fights just started up constantly for no reason. She soon went into a severe depressive state, to the point where she had seizure-like behaviors. Things turned really quickly, and became really bad. She stayed in my room for about 4 days straight and I had to carry her around everywhere. I had to get her every meal, call professors to tell them she was ill, carry her to the bathroom, etc. Her rape flashbacks also started up again, and the Zoloft completely took away her sex drive. As a result, her Body Image disorders just shot thru the roof, everything was going wrong. Then shortly before Valentine’s day she came and told me she didn’t know if she loved me anymore, obviously I was crushed! The next day she sent me a message, blocking me on facebook and saying she will no longer contact me because of advice from her parents and doctors.

When a BP becomes emotionally dependent on someone, the fear of losing that crutch is too much. It is this fear that brings out the darkside of a BP. Picking fights is a sign that the BP is looking for an out. They are devaluing you to make it easier to leave while pushing you away at the same time. Eventually, a BP devalues you to the point where they feel nothing for you. You are dead to them. A BP partner rarely sees this coming. They think the fights are just part of the ups and downs of a BP relationship, not realizing that this is the final dip.

In a matter of days, you have gone from the love of their life, to someone who is smothering them. Partners are usually shocked at how cold their ex-lover has become. Blocking you from facebook is the least of your worries. When a BP “splits you black”, they can resort to hostility to get rid of you. That hostility can translate into infidelity, a smear campaign and false accusations. When a BP is in the grips of fear, both rational thought and compassion are thrown out the window. The love you had is a distant memory as far as they are concerned. In some cases, the BP will convince themselves it was all an illusion. And in a way, he/she would be right. An untreated BP is incapable of actual intimacy. You have just witnessed what happens when a BP finds him/herself in a serious relationship.

Sadly, a BP in denial will never know how much pain they have caused their lovers. A partner who has been cut out of a lover’s life will go through unimaginable pain, self-doubt, and deep depression. These caretakers gave up their own well-being to love a BP, and in return were betrayed.

I feel like I wasted 1.5 years of my life. Logically, I know life must go on and I have such a solid friends/family support base that getting thru this really hasn’t been that bad. I’m still devastated though and think about her everyday. I dream about her every night. I hope to never hear from her again because I’m so angry, what kind of sick person gives you their life for 18 months, then just expunges you completely? At the same time– I secretly hope, everyday, that she contacts me and gives me a reason to take her back. I also know that I will never take her back again, or will I? I’m very confused. Does she come back to me? Do I contact her? Is there any hope? Is she going to make an honest effort to get better, then come back to me when she is ready? What in the world is going on?!?!?

But the fact is a BP is sick. Many lovers underestimate how sick a BP is at their own expense. Well-meaning friends will tell this person to move on, but it’s never that easy. A BPD love is an addiction. When you stop cold-turkey you go through withdrawal symptoms. This person has just been traumatized and victimized. It will take a great deal of time (and maybe counseling) to heal and trust someone again. Unless, a BP has been treated for years there is always the risk of being put through the wringer.