Tearing Me Up Inside

December 27, 2013

Megan writes in the comment section of a posting on Borderlines that cut people out of their lives:

It’s been 8 very long weeks since my ‘borderline’ boyfriend cut me black and it is still tearing me up inside. I really don’t know what I’ve done wrong to deserve to be treated in this way? All I ever did was show him love and he shuts me out – sending me a message on Facebook asking me to never contact him again, and then deleting me from his aspects of his life. This included deleting my friends, but apologising to them, saying it’s nothing personal but he has decided to cut all connections with me cause I’m ‘crazy’!. Yet, for some reason I am still madly in love with this man, would still do anything for this man… My friends believe that I should be over him by now, and I would be if I could be. They don’t understand how I feel, he has spun me into his web and left me there to die. I can’t take the pain much longer.

I write back:

Megan,
The post (I found your comment in) is by far the most popular on this blog. It is visited by people from all over the world. You can tell by the size of the comment section. This should tell you that this is a very common problem amongst people in BPD relationships. In other words, you are not alone.

You did everything right. THAT is the reason why he ran for the hills. He said you were crazy because projecting his illness onto you is the only way he knows how to justify abandoning you. Ironic, because it was his fear of abandonment that caused him to run in the first place.

We all know how bad the pain is but don’t do anything foolish. You can take the pain. We all did and you can too. It seems impossible but (over time) you will heal. Be strong. We are here for you.

You are not madly in love with this man. You have an addiction.You are addicted to the feel-good chemicals that all borderlines are good at stirring up. That is why it is so hard to leave. You are chasing the high that once was. But realize that was only an illusion. The person who cut you out is the real person you are dealing with.

It’s ok to feel what you’re feeling, but know that this is not the end for you. Today is the first day of your recovery, your own self-recovery. Your friends know nothing about addiction and BPD. We do. So believe us when we say, “This too shall pass.”

35 Responses to “Tearing Me Up Inside”

  1. toughmat said

    “This too shall pass”…my ex would say that often about her pain and illness. Thats just an interesting side note.

    Megan, I wish I could tell you that things get much easier, but it sounds like you are like me a bit and wanted to save your ex and also find yourself confirming how much you love him. I do that too with my ex. We had so much fun and I miss her a lot. My life is pretty absent of drama and walking on eggshells which does feel amazing, but I still miss the good times and her as a person.

    What was it about him that you loved? What were some of the issues before the splitting black?

    You know in my case, Im the one who has sort of cut my ex out. We have had no contact for 9 months minus a nice letter i sent recently basically saying that I am not being silent out of animosity but that I am still working on my issues and trying to become a whole person. It was pretty clear tha t asked for continued silence and over a month later that has been respected. Sometimes it feels like I split her black by ignoring her during a couple of attempts at contact during the early phases of our breakup. During the still texting and phone calls breakup stage where I wasnt sure what to do and she was fighting for me and was trying different tactics…being nice, being mean, threatening wtih dates with other men, etc, to get me to come back I stayed strong on moving apart because it seemed like the healthy thing to do midst the drama. She came over and ripped me one day with belittling, then we texted a bit where she sort of apologized but still layed on the guilt for me for being a shitty boyfriend who never loved her and was a liar and I eventually just wrote that Im going out of town with no phone (which I actually did) and that was the beginning of silence until about a month down the line when she texted about some cds and then a text on my birthday 2 months later when she texted to wish me happy birthday. The latter I replied nicely to her sister. I guess the point is that not all bpds split black, or maybe my ex is no bpd….confusion on different levels remains. I guess there is a difference between going no contact and splitting black and I would like to hear more about how they are different and similar and inter-play.

    • savorydish said

      Good question. The difference is fuzzy. But here’s my best explanation.

      A borderline splits you black because he/she fears abandonment. Cutting you out is their way of beating you to the punch. It is an emotional reaction that happens to people when they have been exposed to life-long trauma. It is a maladaptive defense-mechanism. It is involuntary.

      No contact is a Non recognizing that an untreated borderline has abusive tendencies that can not be curbed. They want to remain attached but realize their own mental health is at risk. This decision is voluntary.

      Cutting you out is an abusive form of no contact. Ideally no contact is done without devaluation. A Non cutting off a borderline is an act of self-respect. A borderline cutting off a Non is an irrational reaction to a childhood fear.

      According to Megan, she did nothing wrong. If she was abusive, then he would have every right to cut her off. But she was loving. For him to cut her off is irrational and cruel.

  2. Time is a great healer it took me a long time to get over my bpd girlfriend my advice to you is keep away have no contact and move on with your life people with bpd are dysfunctional and someone who is dysfuntional can not be in a relationship with someone who is functional.im not saying these people are bad or evil but they do have a severe mental ilness that affects eveeyone in there lifes and around them.

  3. Susan T. said

    Megan,
    The others are right especially Savory Dish. I mean no disrespect but, it sounds like you need to learn some respect for yourself and set higher standards for yourself. I know he caused you a lot of pain and it is very hard to get over. I know because I felt the same as you do. I also know that you can’t just get over him. Me and my borderline boyfriend did a lot of things together. I did more things with him then with anybody else. It’s very hard to go from having someone to spend all of your time with to nobody to spend your time with. I couldn’t stand the pain anymore either. You must find something to take of your time that you use to spend with him. I started a new job. I work overnights which gives me less free time than someone who works a normal shift. Get another job, go to school or whatever else you have to do. Do something that requires your attendance so you can’t just stop going when you don’t feel like it. You will start to feel better about yourself. Don’t forget to treat and do things for yourself. Become selfish but, don’t let this experience make you a worse person. You must stay strong and rise above all of this or he wins. If the people he called you crazy to on facebook are really your friends they won’t believe him. Live in a way that if others bad mouth you that others won’t believe them.
    It has been over a year since I had any contact with my ex. Looking back I realize he wasn’t worth it and he really wasn’t all that great. Every chance I get I speak of my experiences on sites like this to hopefully help others. This site and others helped me out a lot. I realized that I wasn’t the problem and there isn’t anything I could have done to make things better. This is my way of giving back.

  4. Megan said

    Wow! You guys are amazing and I thank you from the bottom of my heart. It is really good to feel I am not alone in this. This blog has gotten me through some very tough times over the last month or so. It seems to be two steps forward one step back, but hopefully I am getting somewhere in the healing process.

    There were no issues before he split me black. Thinking back now to the circumstances before this happened I can see it may have been out of a fear of abandonment. I had planned to go away for a week with my closest and oldest girlfriends for my 30th birthday. The week beforehand I felt him pulling away but put it down to stress with work and some family issues he was going through. However, while away I heard pretty much nothing from him apart from a very standard text on my birthday. I tried calling him a few times to no avail, then on the trip home I got the Facebook message saying not to contact him anymore. I have now deleted my Facebook account, as now even the act of logging on causes me to have a full blown anxiety attack!

    My friends have been amazing however I do believe they are becoming somewhat frustrated with me not moving forward as quickly as they think I should be. Yet, it is true… They have no ‘real’ idea what I am going through, and I hope they never have to experience it for themselves.

    I know I need to learn self respect, and that is a major issue of mine and always has been… maybe why I was attracted to him in the first place, who knows! I have recently begun seeing a counsellor, because I began to believe what he was saying and thought maybe I was crazy! Hopefully I will gain something from this relationship and the unbearable pain I am going though and begin to finally learn to love myself, something I have been waiting 30 years to do.

    • Susan T. said

      Megan,
      A lot of the things you mentioned happened to me. A couple of months isn’t enough time to heal from something like this. I also felt like I was going a step forward and a step backwards. My borderline ex slowly made me feel like I was the one with the problem. They wait until you are attached to them to start devaluing you. At first he acted like I was the greatest thing in the world and told everyone he knows how awesome I was.

      Then slowly he started picking stupid fights with me then a week later would say something in agreement with me about what we were arguing about. He would start a fight with me and blame the fight on me because I was the one getting mad. Then he would say we are going to fight and made me believe he would always try to work it out. One time we broke up for a day. He said he wasn’t going to let me break up with him again. He said it would take a restraining order for him to let me break up with him again. He kept telling me this so I believed he was in for the long haul.

      He owned his own business and it stressed him out. I made excuses for him being stressed out. He worked off hours and it would take up to 3 months for him to get paid for some of the jobs. I now realize that his work wasn’t hard and he was the one who made it hard. He was the one scheduling the jobs at times that wouldn’t work. He was always rearranging his schedule. I couldn’t work an projects with him because he always made the most simple things hard. He admitted several times that he had this same problem with others.

      Others can’t realize how the relationship affected you because they don’t know how people with borderline personalities are.
      I tell people about my relationship with him and they ask me how did I end up in a relationship like this and that I am too smart to be in a relationship like that. Anybody can be caught up in an abusive relationship. The abuser doesn’t show their true personality for awhile because they know you won’t like them. They are just as awesome as they are abusive and that’s why you don’t realize you are in an abusive situation.

      Read and do as much research as you can on borderline personalities. Doing so you will eventually have an aw ha moment and everything will make sense. That will be the moment when you will no longer care about him.

    • savorydish said

      Megan,
      If I had a dime for every time a borderline accused me of being “crazy”, I’d be a very rich man. If you listened to my borderline ex, you would think that everyone around her is crazy.

      Projection is their primary line of defense. “I know you are, but what am I?” They are trying to drag you down to their level.

      That is why he has done you a huge favor by cutting you out. It does not diminish the cruelty or the abusive nature of such an act, but maybe it will bring you some relief knowing that you are no-longer exposed to this soul-sucker. Be well and good luck.

      ps- we are all damaged to some degree. As you noted, that is how we find ourselves in these dysfunctional relationships. But the fact that you already have this level of self-awareness tells me you are in good shape. Most crazy people are in denial. That’s what makes them crazy and insensitive.

      You gave him love and he returned the favor by badmouthing you and cutting you off. I think it is clear who the crazy one is.

  5. Susan T. said

    Again, well said Savory Dish. Some people are just not good people. Good people question themselves and try to figure out what is wrong with them to correct their behavior. abusive people even though they are aware of the way they are do nothing to try to help themselves. They also won’t admit they are the way they are even when they know what is wrong with them.
    Yes, we are all damaged but; we don’t all take our pain out on others. Good people rebuild themselves and become better. Demi Lovato’s song Skyscraper always comes to mind. Abusive people just continue to blame others.
    Savory Dish is right. Only a crazy person would cut off and abuse someone who is great to them. I am sure since your breakup you have realized how much of your soul and life has been sucked out of you. These people need to suck your soul so they can feel emotions just like vampires suck blood to live.

  6. Megan said

    Since the breakup I have never felt so emotionally and mentally exhausted! And thank you Susan, maybe it was partially brought on by him. However, since the breakup I have spent a few stints of days without sleep. I sometimes wish I could just shut my brain off, I keep going over and over and over things in my head. Trying to work out where I went wrong. I find it hard to fathom that there are people out there like this, that people can do these things to people they supposedly ‘love’. I don’t want to blame him, my friends feel that’s all I do. But all I want is to try and understand, though I am starting to believe that I never will.

    • savorydish said

      I had trouble sleeping and eating as well. This is not heartbreak. These are withdrawal symptoms. You’ve been taken off a very powerful drug. Read everything you can about the addiction. And write everything down as you feel it. Trust me. All of this helps.

  7. Susan T. said

    I went over and over in my head for months trying to figure out why I was too stupid to know better. It took me about as long to stop crying from time to time about it. I think it probably would have taken me longer if I didn’t talk about my situation and do research on it. When it was over I took Ambien and Benedryl and I still had a hard time sleeping.

    I believe he is to blame. Just like my ex he knew exactly how things were going to happen because he has a history of the exact same thing happening to him in every relationship. At least the ones where the woman didn’t need him for anything. He admitted to having relationships that didn’t work because of the way he is. That was an obvious red flag but, he seemed sincere when he said he was trying hard to make the relationship work. He also told me several times that he has hurt people and didn’t want to do the same to me. He was doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

    While doing research on abusive relationships I learn that the abuser admired you. They thought that just being around you would make them like you. They could only hide the way they are for so long and they know you aren’t going to put up with it. That’s when they start projecting what they feel about themselves on you. Knowing this has helped me a lot.

    What really hurt was as soon as it was over with us he let an ex move back in with him. She was actually there along with a girl who works for him when we met. He didn’t tell me they use to date and she use to live with him but, I always had a feeling. I didn’t think he would be attracted to her so I dismissed these feelings. I believe he had plans to let her move back in before it was officially over with us so he started devaluing me more at this time.

    This was a huge slap in the face. This female is overweight, never had a good job, looks like Mr. Bean ( No, I am not saying this just because I am resentful. I could show you a picture of her.) Anyways, she was also 40 with 2 grandkids and renting a room out of someone’s house. To sum it up she is a good for nothing piece of trash. I couldn’t understand why I would be passed up for her.

    Now I know it is because she was a even more sorry of a person than him. It makes him feel better about himself to be better than someone. That’s also the reason all of his friends were losers who would use him. He would go without making his house and car payments to provide for his loser friends. He admitted to knowing they were using him but, it made him feel good that he had something for others to use him for.

    I didn’t make him feel better about himself because everything I had was nicer than anything he had and that I didn’t need him for anything. His piece of trash ex made him better about himself because she was more messed up than him. These were the type of people he associated with.

    • savorydish said

      You bring up a very good point, Susan. Borderlines leave you because they don’t feel worthy of you. Take that as a compliment. You were too good for them. Their perception. Not yours.

      My ex ran off and proceeded to sleep with every low-life in town. When I saw what she had thrown it all away for, I was stunned. The creep she was sleeping with was some wannabe gangster. She ended up marrying a man she knew for only three months.

      Untreated borderlines do not dump you for something better. They dump you to ease feelings of worthlessness. If a borderline wants to spend the rest of his/her life with you then you have a real problem. Because most likely you are satisfying all his/her co-dependent needs.

      My ex ran because I began insisting she seek therapy. I refused to move to LA with her, because she was not keeping up with her sessions. Had I fallen for the co-dependent trap and accepted the drama, I have no doubt we would still be together. But at what price?

      I highly recommend watching the film “Casino”. You will see this dynamic playing out with DeNiro’s character as he struggles to deal with a borderline partner.

      • Susan T. said

        Savorydish,
        It’s like I told you about my experiences and you are now writing about them. I now realize it wasn’t a compliment that I was the prettiest, smartest and slimmest girl he had ever been with. I would hope so knowing he went out with Mr. Bean’s twin sister!
        One of the last words I said to my ex was that I was too good for him and that if I were a piece of trash there wouldn’t have been any problems. Interestingly, he had nothing to say to that!
        You mention these type of relationships are like addictions. I have never been addicted to anything that I couldn’t break the addiction to because I don’t have an addictive personality. How would you explain this type of addiction?

      • savorydish said

        Hey Susan,

        Please bear in mind that I am not an addiction specialist, so I can only tell you what I know.

        BPD relationships are highly addictive, because of the idealization process. Biologically speaking, it stirs up all the feel-good hormones in your body. It fills you with the kind of love that maybe you did not have as a child. It fills a void.

        When you are treated as a god who can do no wrong, you become addicted to that feeling. I have never been addicted to drugs or alcohol, but that does not exclude me from being addicted to idealization.

        Very few people can resist such charms. After a good deal of time, you become dependent on this high. Even when things go downhill, you continue to yearn for it. You become desperate in your attempts to go back to that high. That is an addiction.

      • Susan T. said

        That’s exactly the truth. I think that’s why they hurt us so much. They slowly start devaluing us and the things they say have a little bit of truth to them so we believe them.
        I am a very good judge of character and know when someone is lying and I still fell for someone like that. I think they are truthful about the way they idealize us. That’s why they try to be us. Now that I think back I would tell my ex about an experience or my thoughts on something. Maybe a week later he would speak of the same experiences he had that were like mine. However, he would reword things well enough so it wouldn’t sound like he was repeating what I said.
        Anybody who puts that much effort and thought into doing something is fully aware of what they are doing. Especially, when they put just as much effort in hiding and lying about things about themselves.
        Doing things like that is just like spending an hour to get out of doing 5 minutes of work. I don’t understand this mentality.

      • savorydish said

        Idealization is sincere. It is the same way a child idealizes their parent. But this idea of perfection is itself flawed because nobody is perfect. That is what a borderline is incapable of understanding.

  8. Larry said

    It is so true that we are addicted to the “feel-good chemicals that all borderlines are good at stirring up.” But there is something more going on that makes it so hard for us to let go of the BPD boyfriend or girlfriend. I believe we are addicted to BPD’s because they fill a hole that is within each one of us.

    Why do we feel so empty after such a break up? Why do we feel so lost that we don’t know what to do with ourselves? Why is the recovery time harder and longer after a breakup with a BPD–so much harder and longer than with other breakups?

    It’s because us non-BPD’s have our own deep issues that got triggered by the relationship with a BPD person. They came along and filled that hole. They are good at doing just that. They fill the void within us that comes from our childhood. The BPD — with all their energy and idealization — give us what we most likely didn’t get enough of from our parents. They become the perfect mom or dad that we didn’t have as kids. They fill the hole within us.

    When they leave us (or when we leave them finally) we are left with an emptiness that is both from the loss of the relationship and from the emptiness from childhood. We wait for the BPD to return to make us whole again. Even after we’ve broken it off, we still think of how we still need/want them back in our lives.

    Our job is to STOP looking to the BPD to fill the hole within. We must fill that void ourselves. That is our work. That is our healing. That is how we recover from this addiction. Read the work of A. J. Mahari as well as everything else on this amazing website to learn more about how to break free and live a happier life.

    I was in a 10-year on-and-off-again relationship with a BPD, and now I’ve broken free for 2 years and I’m the happiest I’ve ever been in my life. And that’s because the best–worst relationship of my life taught me how to love myself.

    • savorydish said

      Well said, Larry. I agree 100%. This is not your ordinary break up. The key is to recognize the dynamic that is unique to BPD relationships. It takes two to tango. Loving ourselves is something both sides can benefit from.

      • savorydish said

        The borderline satisfies a fantasy. A fantasy of attention and love. They give us a surplus of attention. Calling us and texting us when they can’t be with us. It can sometimes be too much.

        So when we withdrawal out of fear of suffocation, they react by one upping us. Complete and immediate withdrawal. They cut us off. Erase our existence. The person who once gave us every minute of their attention now wants nothing to do with us. Thus leaving a gaping void.

        For nons it is hard to fathom how one goes from hero to zero in a matter of days. For BP this is perfectly normal and acceptable behavior. Any attempt to re-establish the fantasy is met with hostility and a cold heart.

  9. Toughmat said

    I have to express and confess this somewhere and I couldn’t think of a better place. I’m in month nine of no contact. My ex is in my opinion beautiful and a great person but very insecure and my life outside of time with her was a threat. That is why I left… To escape the eggshells and be my old carefree self. I was still carefree a lot if the time with her but during time and away from her and in the aftermath a after fights I remember being
    Up tight. Despite knowledge and time, I still obsess about her daily and feel tremendous guilt even thinking of other women. I can’t imagine being the type of guy I was for her for someone else… Partly because of the com dependency but also just because I really love her and had amazing times. No one will replace her for her
    Idealization , but also her own character and the way she lived her life. She continues to go on trips and have the fun and I know that from obsessively stalking her on facebook. I get relief when I see no guys in her pictures and I check each like (which are a lot) to see if there is a new guy in her life. This breakup I’ve seem none but last there was and I went mad back then. I’m sure she has Been with other guys and I’m ok with that compared to how I’ve been in the past. It feels like I’ll obsess about her forever. Long for our trips, the laughs, forever. It almost feels as though I’m just waiting to see how long
    I can go before I go crazy and fight for her back. But lately I’ve also had dreams about re committing to her where I wake up terrified that I’m back under what some could call her spell. It was a magic spell, but also one where she was my higher power and I was afraid to make plans that excluded her because I was afraid of a withdrawal and how crazy I would get. I miss her so much. I think I forget how disordered she was at times and then I remind myself and say ‘it hasn’t been enough time for either of you to heal’. Some days I feel good knowing I’m doing the right thing, some days I feel like I’m waiting to go back, some days I feel like I’m torturing myself. This blog has been great in keeping me sane. I appreciate everyone’s stories and input. Tonight I’m just tired of the OCD spiral. But even the encouragement to stop checking her page gets me no where because is rather check and stay connected. I don’t believe in the one, but she sure has had my attention from day one.

    • Toughmat said

      Sorry for the typos and lack of structure. Writing from my phone and didn’t edit.

    • savorydish said

      I’m glad the blog has helped.

    • Susan T. said

      Toughmat,
      I felt and did the same things. I keep reminding myself that he isn’t going to do better than me. Even if he did he will just do the same things to ruin the relationship. If you have to advertise how much fun you are having and how great your life is then, it can’t be that great. That’s what it sounds like you ex is doing by posting so many pictures.
      Like Savory Dish said they always go for a downgrade to make them feel better about themselves.

  10. Megan said

    Hey, I’m writing because today has been a particularly hard day. I’ve wanted to contact him so badly! I miss the sound of his voice and his ridiculously stupid laugh. So, instead of contacting him, I am writing to you guys.

    It frustrates me that each and every day I don’t know how I am going to feel. Yesterday, I felt as though I was getting somewhere within my own frame of mind. I had stopped blaming myself and dissecting each and every component of our relationship trying to work out where I went wrong and what I did to trigger his splitting black. But today, although I still don’t fully blame myself, I find myself missing him terribly. I would give anything to be with him right now.

    I wrote him a four page letter as part of my own therapy, although I will of course not send it to him, it was good to get it all out on paper explaining how he has made me feel, and why I acted the way I did during certain circumstances.

    I hope it will get easier as I am getting so tired of this emotional roller coaster including the depressive states, the anxiety attacks and the constant physical, mental, and emotional pain.

    • Susan T. said

      Megan,
      What you are feeling is normal. Everyone on here has probably done the same thing well, at least I know I did.
      I am so glad that you had the strength and the good sense not to call him. Please stay strong and don’t get yourself on this merry go round again.
      Thinking back a couple of months after breaking up with my BPD ex I had the same feelings. I felt so stupid for getting involved with him even after seeing all of the red flags. I knew better but, I saw all of the good in him and overlooked everything else. When they aren’t having one of their BPD moments they are the most wonderful people.
      These people put on a very good act for as long as they can. Eventually, their true self starts to show. You aren’t the one who has something wrong with them because you aren’t the one who put up such an act. Think about it. If you are going to put that much effort into convincing others that you are something else then why don’t you just change? These people don’t think this way because they don’t think normally.
      It’s like I said before they will spend an hour to get out of doing 5 minutes worth of work. Us normal people would just go ahead and do the 5 minutes of work.
      It will get easier but, unfortunately it’s still going to take a long time. Just think even how hard it is to do so that you are one day closer to this day. In the mean time write your letters, listen to sad songs or whatever you have to do to get through it. Just don’t contact him in anyway!

      • Toughmat said

        Megan and Susan, thanks for sharing. Savory, it has, but sometimes I wonder if it has caused me to think my ex is bpd when really she just has emotional problems any female (or male) would have from being abused, cheated on, and sick. Instead of giving it time I would look to leave. It did always feel like a breakup was inevitable and I would be free again. Like I’ve said that doesn’t seem to matter a lot of the times as much as just being with her again does. Megan and I seem to have pretty similar feelings but I wasn’t split black in the traditional sense. As Savory and others have said while certain themes are consistent amongst bpd they are not all the same. My exes therapist said due to my own issues the way I saw my ex was distorted. But also that I should not listen to her and believe her when she said I would put others first and other accusations of not loving her enough. My buddy dating a non said that sometimes she will say to him that he doesn’t have to feel stuck and he can just leave her. That sounds like it would really trigger me as my ex would do that but likely with a nastier threatening tone.

      • savorydish said

        It doesn’t matter if she is BPD or not. She has untreated trauma from sexual abuse. She will have the same intimacy issues. You know this. Stop torturing yourself. Accept that your connection was based on the fact that you were both broken. Then fix yourself and find someone whole.

        Recognize that people like us have broken compasses. We will always gravitate towards traumatized people and vice versa. This means we have to step out of our comfort zones and seek the unfamiliar.

        But this will happen naturally once we fix ourselves. This takes time. But it can not be done when your life is filled with drama and chaos.

      • Megan said

        I have recently found out my ex started seeing someone the instant he split me black. They are living together and playing happy families. This cuts me up so badly, I felt I was starting to get somewhere in this healing process and bam! back to almost square one.
        Although my self-esteem is so low, it is obvious this woman is nothing compared to me. I am finding it so hard to fathom that he could leave me for her! This is causing my self-esteem and self-worth to continue to plummet out of control. I feel like I’m in a deep dark hole I’ll never get out of, whilst he is enjoying life and his new love.

      • savorydish said

        It’s not unusual for someone like this to jump back into a relationship. He is afraid to be alone. But now you know what you need to work on- your self esteem.

    • Susan T. said

      Megan,
      I swear you could be writing on my behalf!
      When I met my ex we talked on facebook but, never on the phone. He wanted to meet me so he used the excuse that him and some friends were going to meet at a restaurant. His two friends were two females. (I wouldn’t call them women) Anyways, one was his employee who is 400 lbs of pure trash. The other was a girl that looked like Mr. Beans twin sister with long black stringy dry hair. She was a good friend. I always had a feeling about the two but, I didn’t think there would be anyway he would be attracted to her. Well, turns out my intuition was right. They use to be a couple and lived together which he didn’t tell and didn’t reveal until much later. However, in his defense I wouldn’t admit to being with her either. At the very end he was pushing me away and I had a feeling after we broke up she moved in. Again, I was right. I was furious and felt like absolutely nothing. Especially, being passed up for that! When I showed her picture to others and told them I was passed over for her nobody believed me. They asked if he was blind and crazy. She was 40 with two grand kids, out of shape, dumb, working part time at a dead end job and renting a room out of someone’s house because she was too sorry to have her own place.
      Of course this was devastating to me. I did research on why anyone would do something like this and I tried to figure out what was wrong with me. It turns out there wasn’t anything wrong with me but, he had a serious problem. They had an on and off again relationship even before I came into the picture. From this blog and doing other research I discovered that people with BPD need an enabler. A person to make them feel better about themselves. Someone who will be dependent on them so they can feel superior to someone. Even though he knew that she only uses him it made him feel good to be used. This is because it makes them feel good to have something that people can use them for. He even at times admitted to this. Also, they can’t stand being alone. When they are alone they start thinking about how much they hate themselves. When they are with someone else they can’t stand silence. They will start a fight just to have a conversation going. They do this because they are paranoid of what the other person is thinking about them. Knowing this has helped me out a lot. I am not saying I am completely healed but, at least I can make sense of it all.

  11. toughmat said

    Well said Savory. What you say helps me calm down and trust im doing the right thing long term, but part of me rebels and thinks, “fuck it! Im messed up, she is messed up, lets just be messed up together”. Today I checked her facebook. Usually its pictures of her or her art. But today she put this (im certain she is talking about me and not because im narcissistic):

    “We are all reflections for one another. I believe that the lessons, challenges, and opportunity for enlightenment and growth come from the reflections of those we divinely cross paths with. I believe we become drawn, subconsciously and often inexplicably, to those we stand to either gain or lose in a significant way pertinent to our specifically designed journey. I am not sure it makes it any easier to get hit in a painful way by someone whose reflection was appealing, whose unique light or demeanor we wanted to run towards…But perhaps somehow the acknowledgement that even in loss there is something to gain might aid us in moving forward a little quicker, and a little more confidently.
    I stand firm in that I know I am an honest reflection to those I meet. I am also aware that quite often it is too much or too intimidating for those who stand before me to receive everything I exude. It puts a damper on plenty of connections, but it also weeds out the weak so that I may find stronger reflections to reciprocate such truth. My contribution is to remain strong, honest, raw and unabashed, morally fearless, and unrelenting in my conviction to the betterment of society and the beauty of life.
    Enough said.
    xo”

    It kind of makes me happy she said she was drawn to me, but it pisses me off she thinks she weeded out the weak and im part of the “weak”. Part of me wants to lash out wtih something about how leaving drama doesnt equate to weak, but as usual, I will try to remain stoic. Thoughts on her expression and otherwise? Megan, how you doing? Maybe we should meet… where do you live? (a little humor in a time of strife)

    • savorydish said

      Women like that say cruel things when they don’t want to face the truth. She is devaluating you to make herself feel better. That is why you are better off without her.

  12. Megan said

    Hello gorgeous people… I know it’s been a while. I hope you are all taking care of yourselves.

    I’m still in a very dark place, still trying to understand how this relationship and man who claimed to have loved me has pulled it out from underneath me. I know there will never be a true answer from him, even though he has split me black. But these thoughts continue to haunt me in a daily basis. Perhaps I am the hypersensitive type.

    I continue to lay all the guilt on myself, and it is really starting to wear me down. Thankfully I have begun therapy again after a 6 week break due to unforeseen circumstances, and I have now been referred to a psychiatrist for some much needed medication. I have also tried some reiki healing, which seems to be unclogging a lot of my emotional stress that I was holding in a huge knot in my stomach and bringing it out through a flood of tears. I think it will be good for me once I pass the initial hurdle, after each treatment I am exhausted, and sleep for two days or so.

    He is continually on my mind and in my heart. I wish that I didn’t still have such strong feelings for this person, but I am constantly remembering the good times and believing that is the true person that he is. I am struggling to believe that there are people so damaged out there that they mirror this damage onto the ones they ‘love’. Maybe I am an optimist when looking for the good in others…

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