Does Everyone Deserve Love?

October 25, 2013

A commenter named Mar responded to a post about about borderlines and relationships:

I’m sorry for commenting on an old post, but I just found it and I completely agree with you.

I am mentally ill, severely depressed, in fact. And it’s really hard to accept that I can’t be in a relationship, at least for the time being. It pains me, but I know that it’s not something I’m ready to deal with, and I know I’d end up trying to use the other person as a crutch.

I wish people who are also ill stopped shouting “ableist” every time things like relationships are discussed, because it’s not ableism. We have to think about our own well-being as well as other people’s, and a lot of the time that involves not being able to do what we want. Seriously, that’s maturity 101.

Anyway, I’m glad I found this post, because people should stop repeating “everyone deserves love” just because they think it’s a good thing to say.

I found Mar’s maturity to be refreshing. I wish more people with mental illness saw things this clearly. Unfortunately, most Cluster B’s do not see things clearly. Many are carrying around feelings of entitlement that make it hard for them to see love as a responsibility. I recently had to end another relationship, because I felt neither of us was fit for a relationship. It’s hard to do the mature thing, but it’s the right thing to do.

Fixing the Borderline

October 22, 2013

A commenter by the name of Fortunate Fool reminds us why BPD is so hard to treat:

Smart move; and I hope all the readers pay heed. I too had my life turned upside down by a woman with borderline disorder.

The fact is the word borderline omits the second part of the diagnosis which is psychosis. And people who suffer from BPD can be every bit as deluded and psychotic as someone with schizophrenia. But it is insidious and hard to detect; sadly even for the persons themselves.

They provoke emotions in themselves and others because that is how they feel alive. It is basically a cancer of the heart (a terminal diagnosis).

Through the delusions and paranoia and even sometimes outright hallucinations, they can slowly eat away at who you are, shaping you to become a monster to their needs. People with less control or empathy, it can basically trigger deep seated human aggression and cruelty, thus the stories/experiences of repeated taunting, rapes, and violence.

Whether you fancy yourself a player or just a “normal guy”; this is not something you can fix!

I am one of those fools who always tries to fix a borderline. Multiple borderlines. So far, I have had a zero success rate.

Unless the borderline is fully aware of their disorder and highly motivated to change (which is rare), you are looking at an uphill battle that you can never win. You can try but you will come out the other end emotionally beat down. When the borderline is done with you, she will have ruined your reputation, your outlook on life and your hope of finding true love.

As the above quote states- delusion, paranoia and outright hallucinations are very real possibilities when dealing with a borderline in denial. A borderline stays firmly in denial to avoid the PAIN of self-realization. If you try to pull them out of denial, they will go kicking and screaming. Once they have clawed your face and kicked you in the crotch, they will run back to self-delusion and lock the door. I have seen this over and over again.

You think you’re doing them a favor by “enlightening” them on their condition. But to them, it feels like you are beating them up. They will accuse you of abusive behavior and harassment, because they truly believe this. The borderline in denial knows only two responses: fight or flight. And if you choose to fight back, they will play the victim and label you the abuser.

It’s easy to walk away if you’ve only been dating for a few weeks. But a year with a borderline feels like a lifetime. It’s an intense whirlwind relationship that simulates love. It’s an addiction. It’s a tractor beam that won’t let go of you.

You will feel like the only way to resolve this situation is to fix the borderline. You will do exhaustive research. You will compile a mountain of evidence. You will formulate thoughtful arguments. But if you think all this will affect a borderline in denial, you are kidding yourself. See the previous posting.

If the borderline doesn’t want to be fixed, then you are just digging yourself further into the hole.