Rose Laments

September 23, 2013

A commenter, named Rose, responds to a previous post- Can a Borderline Sustain a Relationship?:

As I read your article I was in tears. I am a recently diagnosed BPD. I have been dealing with it since I was 16. I lived a life of competition, winning, being on an adrelaline high since I was 3.

When my sister was diagnosed with bipolar, I was left to pick up the pieces of of a life my sister had smashed to pieces. Mind you, I was the only person who was able to get through to her when she was depressed to the point she was about to kill herself. I was 15 and expected to look after my emotionally fragile mother, be their for my sister, and deal with the aftermath of her manic phases mostly by myself. I had no help or therapy, and was told to keep my mouth shut. The needs of one child were more important than those of another. Despite this, I got excellent grades and was a model student.

After the 20 year adrenaline rush of school and my achievements passed, I got married and had a baby. I suffered very bad PND. I felt like it never left me. i have been in therapy for a long time, not for BPD, but because I was simply “depressed”. None of this therapy helped. Throughout the years I have tried different ways of self medicating. As a result I have become an alcoholic and codeine addict. You would not think it to see me as I have maintained my studies and climbed the corporate ladder. Only those close to me know of my condition.

I now have two kids and have been married 8 years. I have only just found a therapist who has properly diagnosed me. I am selfish, self destructive, and keep everyone at a distance unless I am in control of the relationship. I crave intimacy but cannot stand it with the person I love the most.

I realised only the other day that after stripping off the layers in my life, spitting out the venom I had for those I felt had contributed to my condition, that I realised that the real problem is me. The problem is that I hate myself. I am jealous of my former high achieving self that I will never be again. I feel that everyday is a battle.

I have been off the codeine for about 9 months now. Alcohol is now in moderation. Mostly. My intimacy problems are another thing. I never know if I will be able to become the person I want to be. That my family deserves. They do not deserve this. They do not deserve a mother who has been in hospital multiple times in the past year for self harm.

It is not an easy road, at times I just want out. For it all to stop. Your article brought tears to my eyes because I could see what destruction I am causing. I’m afraid I couldn’t read past a point in one of the comments that I am effectively an abuser. It cuts way too deep. I know it is true, and I know I too have been abused. I would not have ended up this way otherwise.

I feel for all those people supporting those with BPD. It’s horrible and life draining. It is a double edged sword. For those who choose to stay and support someone with BPD, I wish you all the luck in the world. If not, you are no lesser a person. You need to do what is right for all involved, yourself included.

2 Responses to “Rose Laments”

  1. Anthony Soroka said

    I need to get in touch with savory dish but cannot seem to find a link to contact him. Can you please contact me?

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