Alyssa Reaches Out

September 6, 2013

Recently this comment was left in my inbox:

I randomly came across this. I suffer from BPD severely. I’d love to help you understand it better and why it is we do the fucked up things we do lol. It isnt right no… but there is a reason. I’ve hurt many… I hate it… I cry about it :( I always admit I am wrong though sometimes its too late. Anyways if you’d like some understanding email me.
My grammar sucks .. its late.

Chicago area
23
Alyssa

I always invite borderlines to share their side of the story. I think most Nons are especially grateful to hear a BP who offers sympathy instead of bile, sincere regret as opposed to hostile denial. Instead of justifying her past missteps, she has taken full ownership. It is BPs like Alyssa who humanize BPD and lessen the stigma.

24 Responses to “Alyssa Reaches Out”

  1. CeCe Lenox said

    Alyssa- I too have BPD. Do you feel simply utter incomprehensible, illogical terror when a man gets too close ( like you cant breathe and must flee) and than do you panic if he goes too far out of your sphere and for me, its simply easier to step away totally, although it always hurts. Its like living in purgatory. CeCe(

  2. Alexander said

    There is hope for those who are truthful. Most seem to be addicted to lying and deceitfulness!

  3. Susan T. said

    I am not trying to be condescending and hope I don’t come across so. My question to people with a borderline personality is if you are aware of the way you are and that you hurt others why do you keep doing it?
    I am asking because I have an ex who I believe has a borderline personality. He was very hurtful to me and told me that he has hurt many people. He said he didn’t want to do that to me and talked like he actually wanted to change but, his actions didn’t support his words. Eventually he would admit to doing certain things even though it was too late. However, he never apologized. He lied and hid things about himself which makes me the most angry because if he had been honest I would not have wasted time or effort with him. Again, if you are aware that you are doing this and know that it is wrong why do you do it?

    • CeCe Lenox said

      You are no being condescending , you are asking a question from a mind who is not of the borderline mind. I don’t think most borderlines ever admit to being one, I am one but hadn’t a clue I was disordered to well into my adult life. People thought I was charismatic and interesting, men found me fascinating and I am great at my career, it was only until much later I realized I had a pattern….. unless you undergo very ,very strong therapy- these reactions are almost impossible to stop. They are hardwired in our psyche; like your reaction to getting too close to fire or your fear of falling off a bridge if you get to close.
      I don’t think the borderline feels your hurt the way they should and if they do, they usually leave without a trace because their shame is too intense. I don’t presume to know anything about your relationship, but as a borderline- we are fine in the beginning of a relationship before we start to “”feel””. Once we start becoming dependent, we panic. Your very existence start to suffocate us, overwhelm us, we cant breathe,-its a terror so intense, so we push you away- but then we panic because you are too far away and we really, really want you in our lives. If you are normal, you will quickly bore us, a complicated narcissist is our best affair.
      We need to start making excuses why you are not good for us, and as we all have faults, we laser into why you cannot please us. We leave with much regret or maybe none at all, that depends on how complicated or full of chaos the relationship was ( chaos means love to us because of our early abuse or neglect)
      hopefully we don’t start over and go into therapy. I talk for those borderlines I know as well myself, …
      Object constancy is also a problem, we cant hold people in our thoughts if you are not right in front of us. I think we convince ourselves that its the other person who has hurt us and we take very little responsibility for the demise of the situation, we feel extreme guilt or sadness when it ends, followed by elation as our freedom is returned or our “safety”is returned..this is simply from my perspective

      • Susan T. said

        CeCe,
        Thanks for your response. I believe he has a borderline personality because everything I have read about it is dead on true with him. Even the things you described from your perspective sounds dead on to him. He started finding fault on why we were too different. He used excuses like I don’t like roller coasters, I won’t stand in an hour long line in the 100 degree heat at Disney to see something I have already seen 20 times so, I didn’t like Disney as much as he did, and other stupid petty things like that.
        Also, the part about being normal bores them. He would create chaos and make everything in life more difficult than it had to be.
        It has been over a year now and the whole ordeal still effects me. I feel like a fool for being in the situation and for overlooking the clear signs. I know that I should have never settled for him. When he wasn’t having one of his episodes he was a great guy who adored me and always bragged about me and wanted to show me off to his friends. Since he adored me I overlooked a lot of things about him that I didn’t like. Gradually, he started revealing things about himself that he knew I wouldn’t like about him. These revelations occurred the more invested I was in the relationship. In the meantime he would constantly find fault with me and project on to me what he felt about himself.
        When a person with a borderline personality loses someone who treated them well and in their own words were the best they ever had do they legitimately feel bad? Do they continue to hurt like the ones they hurt? His best friend since Junior High who has never met or spoken to me messaged me on facebook and said that the whole situation was definitely his lost and that is was sad for him. The reason I want to know is because I didn’t do anything wrong and I shouldn’t be the one hurting.

      • CeCe Lenox said

        I can explain everything . First, it sounds like he truly fell for you ( and we do fall, harder than most maybe, that’s why its so terrifying.) It was a long relationship, which wears on the Borderline- but I am going to say this to you in total understanding of where your ex is coming from- He Thinks of you Every single day- not because he feels like he mistreated you, not because he has taken any of the blame, he has probably increased his shopping list of why you did not meet his criteria ( and believe me, no one ever does for long- the emptiness which is our core identity overwhelms us ) So, I am convinced he thinks of you often because now that there is all this oh so lovely distance between you, He can miss you. When you are standin right beside a Borderline being real and loving us or getting to close, or backing off too far, we cant breathe. But oh, how we can think of you when you are no longer there . ( I know I am going to get cruxified out here, because its hard to explain these fears and knee jerk reactions) But the object constancy disorder cannot be overlooked. Unless my affair was truly filled with angst and chaos and break-ups and make-ups and competition- the Borderline lives to compete against somebody for your affection and attention- it validates the emptiness. Good God, I hate Disney and standing in lines, yes- there is the number one reason you should have left him. No intellectual Borderline worth his disorder would like Disney, we are usually much darker- we relate to Sylvia Plath, Virginia Woolf and wish you were Bogart. I would be thrilled to answer any questions you have about the disorder. He would probably be best with an emotionally unavailable type that he could keep chasing. If a man looks at me with that look like he is falling in love, its almost like I use my hands to “freeze-frame”” the moment and I leave- I already know its never going to feel like this ever again. Oh by the way, that’s the Entire Problem, YOU DIDNT DO ANYTHING WRONG- we are hardwired to feel like we are loved only when we have to really, really work at getting your attention.
        What was his childhood like, and I mean all the way back to birth?

      • CeCe Lenox said

        Susan, Did he cheat on you or try to make you jealous?
        Did he leave you or did you just decide it was time to be sane and leave him? And do you know if he replaced you in a nono second?

      • CeCe Lenox said

        One more thing , if you left him his “broken inner 3 year old child” and that’s really where our emotional development stopped- If YOU left him, he probably isn’t thinking of you wistfully or fondly as you would have triggered all those abandonment issues from his childhood that started this horrendous disorder to begin with. If you left him, he could very well simply excise/cut you out without thought , as if you never existed.
        But if HE left you and said you were the best thing that ever happened to him, and even if he has replaced you with another woman ( which I am sure he has , as that simply gets the chaos adrenaline pumping again- lust and infatuation are bread and butter to a Borderline) he is thinking of you. But he has by now created a third person story in his head about the two of you and that is what he repeats to himself over and over and then it becomes his reality- it will be this story that is told to his new girlfriend. It will illicit great sympathy for him. Also, the fact that you have not tried to contact him ( and don’t!!) will keep him away from you- No matter how much we dump on you, you staying away from us, shows us how right we were about you in the first place.-falling in love with you, gave YOU the power to hurt us. We cannot endure another primal injury of rejection again, it takes us back to what happened to the little person inside us who got so hurt or neglected. Remember Susan , this is the most impersonal disorder- its like gravity, you don’t have to understand it to know that’s its operating 24/7. If you gave the Borderline something to angst over, someone to compete against, if you created turmoil, if you never got too close or went too far away, and brought incredible passion and drama to us daily, we would be yours for life..but Good God, what normal person would want that.

      • Susan T. said

        Again, thanks CeCe. You have helped me make a little bit more sense of things and feel better by knowing I am not the only one hurting. I don’t wish pain on him but, I don’t think he should be without pain if I didn’t do anything wrong and I am hurt. He himself said that all of his friends were losers before I ever met any of them and spoke very negatively of them. Then later it became an issue that I didn’t like them. After awhile he started making them a priority and I started coming second to them. Your answer about needing to compete for attention makes sense and explains this part. It also confirms the needing chaos part.
        He has a friend that is a girl. I was suspicious about them from day one but, I didn’t think he would be attracted to her. (She looks like Mr. Bean’s twin sister) and she doesn’t have any good qualities or strengths. Later I found out they use to date and live together. She has a boyfriend of 2 years but, he is never around and has someone else. She is what he is keeping on the side. Anyways, I have been told by others that they have a back and forth relationship. I wouldn’t say that he keeps chasing her but, I would say she is emotionally unavailable because she comes across as a nice outgoing person but, she never accomplished anything in life and is a failure at everything including being a mother. She is this way because she doesn’t take care of things and I don’t think she can stay focus on anything enough to be successful.
        He was the youngest of 4 kids and found out later in life that he siblings father was not his even though his siblings knew they didn’t tell him until he was older. His mom had many boyfriends who she would sleep with to get something from them. They grew up poor. His best friend told me that he didn’t have it that bad growing up. His mother was nice and their house was always neat and tidy. His family just didn’t have any ambition. He rarely spoke of his family. However, he has an employee working for him that is a stereotypical low life on welfare using the system. Every month her daughter has a new daddy. He realized that he was going without paying his bills but, would provide for her. They didn’t have anything sexual going on but, he liked that she was extremely dependent on him because it made him feel important. Although, he would speak very negatively of her. This also confirms what you said about people with borderline personalities needing to work hard at getting someone’s attention. He only surrounded himself with people he himself called losers. He also let them use him because he admitted that it makes him feel good that he has something they don’t. I didn’t need him for anything and he needed something from me before. Everything I had was nicer than the things he owned. Therefore, he never could impress me.
        I thank you very much for opening up as much as you did. I also appreciate your honesty. Thank you for acknowledging you have a problem and helping others understand this condition better.

      • Susan T. said

        Again Cece you are right on. He didn’t cheat on me but, immediately after we broke up he had the girl I spoke about him having a back and forth relationship with moved in with him. I knew this was going to happen because he started talking about her a lot. We got into a fight because of something he did but, turned all of the blame around on me. I tried to patch things up because I didn’t want to give up on the time and emotion I had invested in him. The last time we talked on the phone he said something upsetting to me and then after that I stopped returning his calls and text and stopped all contact with him. Although, I was very upset and didn’t truly want to break up something finally triggered something inside of me and I decided I wasn’t going to put up with any of this anymore. He use to tell me stories about past relationships which made me feel sorry for him in the beginning. I know he was the cause.
        I am a friend of his best friend on facebook although, we never met because he lives in another state. After we broke up I unfriend my ex. Neither one of them has many facebook friends so his friend receives all of my status updates and everything else. Every once in awhile his friend likes one of my post so it shows up in my ex’s new feed. Well, I knew it would get back to him so I changed my status as being in a relationship. Well, my plan worked better than I though it would because I ran into one of his friends who I am not friends with on facebook and he was trying to get some information out of me about my relationship status. Therefore, less than a month after our breakup he heard I was in a relationship. That is also the time when his best friend messaged me and told me that is is sad that he didn’t know what he had. His relationship status after all of this time is still single though. He believes that I have moved on with someone much better and don’t think of him. I know this is childish but, I don’t think I should have been the only one hurting especially since I didn’t do anything wrong. I wonder what went through his mind about all of this.

      • CeCe Lenox said

        The best borderline personality on film is Holly Golightly in Breakfast at Tiffany’s- and the book ends differently , not happily- its a fabulous film any way you watch it, but if you watch it for the Borderline tendencies it becomes clinically fascinating. Especially when she says she doesn’t know who she is, because we don’t.- not the way you know who you are.
        I am at a bit of a loss here. I myself, never, ever started any relationship to hurt the other person. In fact, the Borderline FEELs so deeply that’s why the reactions are so virulent .
        For Borderlines, they truly believe the next person will save them! ( that’s the core of the disorder I feel, its a deep intrinsic sense of emptiness, not to be confused with loneliness.) Sex for the borderline may be the only time where they can escape themselves- where they exist in the here and now. There are different types of Borderline- & different degrees.
        You pulled the pug on HIM, you abandoned him ( that’s how he will see you breaking contact- you rejected him totally , his most primal fear was committed by YOU- that’s how he will feel it. If you really loved him, you would overlook all of this ) So now I am not so sure he is thinking of you anymore. You hurt that scared little 3 year old child in him and you are going to be banished from the sandbox.
        I thought after I read the Disney line that it makes total sense- Disney would make him feel safe, it would give relief to that broken little boy that sits in his soul.) Remember, in intimate realtionships he is 3.
        Usually Borderlines use their seduction and sexuality much more than you mentioned. Never assume even if women are below standards that there is not an intimacy. Paying this other women’s bills, seems much more Narcissistic than Borderline. read up on the Narcissistic Personality Disorder because I see some overlapping. Also lets not forget you are dealing with a man- they intrinsically want to be the chaser and provider and they want to provide for you- so you already having everything, coming from a strong family etc. would not have triggered any of his “”have to have her, have to keep her “” instincts for very long. I don’t think he is thinking he hurt you, the no contact by you will have left him a very clean conscience ( in his mind) You are now lumped in that toxic dumping ground for “”poor me, do you know what my old GF did to me- Borderlines feel such pain about people that I cannot even begin to explain it- perhaps that’s why they don’t think they have done anything so wrong when they hurt you. Its rather a one up manship in the pain and suffering department.
        We live in a perpetual, exhausting “fight or flight”” pattern. I have a question for you-if you feel like answering: what is it about the Borderline that gets under your skin? Is it the hurt we cause or the withdrawing of our very disordered yet laser like attention? and it really is total BS to think that the borderline does not feel hurt or fear the loss of you. There are some relationships which haunt Borderlines to their graves…..I

      • Susan T. said

        what is it about the Borderline that gets under your skin? Is it the hurt we cause or the withdrawing of our very disordered yet laser like attention? and it really is total BS to think that the borderline does not feel hurt or fear the loss of you. There are some relationships which haunt Borderlines to their graves…..I
        Sorry Cece that I took so long to respond. I had to go to work. The hurt I feel is because he knew how things would turn out because he has a history of the same thing happening to him and which he has admitted to. I told him upfront about the issues that I had with him. One was that even though he was 46 he would have house parties at his house. I am the type of person that would never allow something like that in my house especially with strangers. He said that he was only having those parties because he wanted to meet someone and since he had me he wasn’t going to have any more parties. Then he slowly started having parties again claiming the parties were planned months earlier before he got involved with me. He wanted me to move in with him after only knowing him 2 weeks. I would never move in with someone that I have only known 2 weeks. Besides, I had just renewed my lease and it was going to expire in November a year away. I told him that I didn’t like how he keeps his house and that he needed to start taking care of it. He constantly told me he would have the house ready so I could move in with him in November. However, he never did anything about fixing the things that were wrong with it. He would have me go to the store with him to help pick out furniture but never bought any. Later I realized that he was behind on his house payments so there was no way that he could afford to do the things he said he would do.
        I am very angry at this whole ordeal because he lied and hid things about himself. If I had known about all of these details upfront I would have never settled for him. I am mad because I saw several red flags but, I overlooked them because he was this nice hardworking guy who adored me.
        I am mad because he knew he wasn’t going to be able to deliver on the things he said he would do but, dragged me along making me believe that he would. I feel like I was made a fool of and that I should have known better.
        I just don’t understand why someone would put someone that they were suppose to love through lies and give them false hope. How could he have started a relationship with me on false hope? Especially knowing things would end the way they did because of his history of relationships that ended the same way. Why did he put all of the blame on me knowing he was the cause of our issues? Since he wasn’t good enough, why didn’t he become good enough or just be honest with me? Why did he push me away when if he had just been honest and upfront about himself we wouldn’t have been in this situation? Why did he put all of the pain on me?

      • frank snow said

        Susan- I am going to say it again, I think you have Narcissistic Personality Disorder on your hands which is rampant in the American male population. I was involved with a Narcissist for years and this sounds exact. The 2 disorders overlap but here are the differences. A Borderline dramatically shifts emotions , cycle between closeness and distance, they have self esteem issues and act impulsively, there is usually rage ( think 3 year old). A Narcissist is very grandiose, has a constant need for attention and has total failure to empathize ( think 6 years old). A BPD is willing to share almost anything, they are friendly, they want you to like them. A Narcissist is very passive aggressive, sneaky, he is trying to convince you from the first minute how important he is and he needs people who are less them him ( a Borderline likes high end, it brings up their poor identity) A Narcissist will boast, put other people down. The house parties at 46 and asking you to move in within 2 weeks is pure NPD. A Borderline would not want you that close that soon, if ever. NPD loves the attention of many, he yearns for it. A BPD will get mad, sometimes very mad, think rage if he cant illicit the response he wants from you. BPD will use manipulative tactics like suicide attempts, self injury and substance abuse. NPDs will show slight alarm if you leave them but will be very cold and will immediately move on and will cut you out of their life & thoughts. A narcissist would not be care if you are hurting if he has moved on. Borderlines, believe it or not come from a place of great internal shame, they will push you out of their thoughts out of internal guilt. In my opinion, and this is just from my experience, a Borderline will jerk you around a lot, the push-pull thing but they go into each and every relationship BELEIVEING that the next one will rescue them from their emptiness. The Narcissist goes into his next relationship because he cant LIVE without someone to mirror back his importance. Narcissist can be the coldest fish on earth if you reject them – a Borderline is like a fury- they explode- they stalk, they seek revenge. A Narcissist kills you off by ignoring you. Narcissists use the silent treatment. A Bordeline threatens you with a knife. Think 3 years old vs 6 ….I truly feel your ex is a Narcissist and no, if that’s the case he is not and I repeat is not, caring how you feel. If you are not willing to give him attention, you no longer exist. He may be curious about who your new boyfriend is and he may feel deep jealousy but he will simply have more house parties, find more welfare waifs who adore him and more sex. Its about adulation. Narcissists never ever grow up- they want you to be Mommy. Unconditional attention without giving anything back. A Borderline want to please you like you were Daddy, but cant get that close. A Borderline will shower you with perfect gifts to get you to notice them a Narcissist will be waiting for his gift from you. Susan, I struggled with hurt and disbelief after my affair with a Narcissist for years!!!! and I am a borderline . Narcissists simply one up the Borderline in the hurt department, because they really cannot and do not empathize with people. A Borderline wants you to like them, even if they don’t have the self esteem or the strategies to get close or to hold you- we are Teutonic in our mood swings. A Narcissist only wants your attention and he will look pretty stable emotionally, but if offended he will smile to your face and use cold, calculating passive-aggression. My vote is for NPD here. Date: Sun, 8 Sep 2013 12:01:03 +0000 To: logforest@outlook.com

      • frank snow said

        From: logforest@outlook.com To: comment+z_g5fj3hkx6mcgpshmzk5s9bwz89fk9pgfm1g5ym4lvoc@comment.wordpress.com Subject: RE: [New comment] Alyssa Reaches Out Date: Sun, 8 Sep 2013 08:57:52 -0400

        Susan- I am going to say it again, I think you have Narcissistic Personality Disorder on your hands which is rampant in the American male population. I was involved with a Narcissist for years and this sounds exact. The 2 disorders overlap but here are the differences. A Borderline dramatically shifts emotions , cycle between closeness and distance, they have self esteem issues and act impulsively, there is usually rage ( think 3 year old). A Narcissist is very grandiose, has a constant need for attention and has total failure to empathize ( think 6 years old). A BPD is willing to share almost anything, they are friendly, they want you to like them. A Narcissist is very passive aggressive, sneaky, he is trying to convince you from the first minute how important he is and he needs people who are less them him ( a Borderline likes high end, it brings up their poor identity) A Narcissist will boast, put other people down. The house parties at 46 and asking you to move in within 2 weeks is pure NPD. A Borderline would not want you that close that soon, if ever. NPD loves the attention of many, he yearns for it. A BPD will get mad, sometimes very mad, think rage if he cant illicit the response he wants from you. BPD will use manipulative tactics like suicide attempts, self injury and substance abuse. NPDs will show slight alarm if you leave them but will be very cold and will immediately move on and will cut you out of their life & thoughts. A narcissist would not be care if you are hurting if he has moved on. Borderlines, believe it or not come from a place of great internal shame, they will push you out of their thoughts out of internal guilt. In my opinion, and this is just from my experience, a Borderline will jerk you around a lot, the push-pull thing but they go into each and every relationship BELEIVEING that the next one will rescue them from their emptiness. The Narcissist goes into his next relationship because he cant LIVE without someone to mirror back his importance. Narcissist can be the coldest fish on earth if you reject them – a Borderline is like a fury- they explode- they stalk, they seek revenge. A Narcissist kills you off by ignoring you. Narcissists use the silent treatment. A Bordeline threatens you with a knife. Think 3 years old vs 6 ….I truly feel your ex is a Narcissist and no, if that’s the case he is not and I repeat is not, caring how you feel. If you are not willing to give him attention, you no longer exist. He may be curious about who your new boyfriend is and he may feel deep jealousy but he will simply have more house parties, find more welfare waifs who adore him and more sex. Its about adulation. Narcissists never ever grow up- they want you to be Mommy. Unconditional attention without giving anything back. A Borderline want to please you like you were Daddy, but cant get that close. A Borderline will shower you with perfect gifts to get you to notice them a Narcissist will be waiting for his gift from you. Susan, I struggled with hurt and disbelief after my affair with a Narcissist for years!!!! and I am a borderline . Narcissists simply one up the Borderline in the hurt department, because they really cannot and do not empathize with people. A Borderline wants you to like them, even if they don’t have the self esteem or the strategies to get close or to hold you- we are Teutonic in our mood swings. A Narcissist only wants your attention and he will look pretty stable emotionally, but if offended he will smile to your face and use cold, calculating passive-aggression. My vote is for NPD here. Date: Sun, 8 Sep 2013 12:01:03 +0000 To: logforest@outlook.com

      • Susan T. said

        Frank and Cece thanks for your great insights. I truly believe he has a borderline personality but, I do see some overlapping as you mention. Based on what I read about borderlines everything is true except the violent and actually attempting suicide. He has admitted at times that he wished he wouldn’t wake up in the morning. I know he feels empty. I read that people with Borderline personalities can’t stand being alone because they start thinking about how much they hate themselves. Also, when they are alone with someone they will pick a fight with them if there is too much quietness because they are paranoid of what the other person is thinking about them. He would do these exact things. He also wanted people to like him but, didn’t have good social skills. He would let people use him so they would like him. From what I am getting from the two of you I think with him it might be a very thin line separating him from having a Borderline personality and having a Narcissistic personality. Could it be that his Borderline personality dominates while having Narcissistic tendencies?

      • CeCe Lenox said

        My gut says he has NPD which can have overtones of BPD…I don’t see any of the rage a borderline has. Both disorders feel extreme emptiness, they just fill that void differently. They have developed different strategies . A very activating emotion to get over hurt is knowing you have won. Susan, by sheer virtue of you stepping away from this man, you have your victory.
        Being the partner of a Narcissist is a very lonely, self degrading occupation. I say, you have an angel at your back who saved you .
        The question is we want those who hurt us to suffer, we want them to hurt, to suffer the loss of us….unfortunately, if he has NPD you are not going to get that satisfaction. If he is a Borderline, he has suffered from losing you in his own disordered and bleak way.
        I hate to be preachy, but be very careful you do not stumble again into the web of either disorder. They are extremely compelling and charismatic and I would look very carefully at the place in you that was drawn to this man. I have loved sorting this out, as it helps me, as a Borderline, understand the other person. Any other thoughts or questions, I am here. I still am laughing about standing in line at Disney…..

      • CeCe Lenox said

        Quick question Susa, what was it that he said that finally just sealed the deal for you? What was the catalyst that just shut the gates to him? Was it just a build up of his personality traits or did he try to get you to leave him by saying or doing something he knew you wouldn’t stand for? Also, the fact that you made that decision and stayed with No Contact was very strong and brave of you

    • @ Susan T, Hey I tell ya that I know that a couple reasons why they keep doing this shit to person after person, because they are snakes they were taught how to be a total lair by their parents who’s at the root of their disorder. The family of the Borderline is fuck to the core and She/He has been taught how to capture their prey by the mother or father! In which one or both are Cluster B’s themselves!

      • @ Susan T, My ex wants people to believe that it’s only the disorder that’s her problem, But for her to be the perfect mess that she is, that had to come from some where and I’m sure it wasn’t Aunt or Uncle so and so who’s the real blame for her sickness, There
        was some real crazy stuff going on in that house in that family, and my ex is the oldest of her 3 siblings the other two are males.

        To show what I mean here she once told me that she used to get drunk with her dad and his friends when she was 7, 8, 9 years old now when she was nine her next brother was 6, and the other 5, so do you really think they had power over her at all, I would say no it was an Adult or Adults .

      • CeCe Lenox said

        I think Susan”s boyfriend may have Narcissistic Personality Disorder which I have found very close to Borderline but operates with emptiness unless adored and noticed and will lie to keep the source coming.

    • Susan T. said

      Thanks CeCe for your kind words. After awhile I started thinking maybe I was too judgmental or emotional. After I got a new job and made friends with normal people at work I was reassured that I wasn’t the one with the problem if I didn’t want to wait in the 100 degree heat at Disney to see something stupid that I have already seen 20 times. That I wasn’t being judgmental because I wouldn’t allow parties at my house especially if strangers were coming over. I certainly don’t have anything wrong with me for that going without paying my bills to have these parties.
      His attitude started changing and getting worse for over a month before this incident but, this was the final thing I decided I would take from him. One day while at his house this so called friend who didn’t have any contact with him for at least months called him out of the blue and volunteered his house for a bachelor’s party in a month. It just so happen to be his birthday that day. I was upset about it because in the beginning he told me he wasn’t having any more parties and now once again he is having one but, I didn’t say anything. Since he was having this party at his house on his birthday I decided to surprise him a week earlier for his birthday with a stay at a resort. I told him we were going to that hotel to see a show then when we got there I told him we were staying for the weekend and I had a bag packed for him. He was pleasantly surprised and asked why didn’t we go earlier in the day since he didn’t have anything going on. (Interestingly we got in a big fight about something stupid the day before and since I already had all of this planned out I made up with him which I shouldn’t of had) In addition, even though we were going to be at that resort on one of those nights another so-called friend was having a birthday celebration at a club and we suppose to go. However, even after trying to get in touch with this so-called friend they never got back into contact with him to tell where it was going to be. Anyways, everything was going well up until the next day when we were hanging out at the pool. Somehow his birthday the following week came up in conversation. Two weeks had gone by and he hadn’t heard anything else about this so-called friend who volunteered his house for a party. While we are at the pool he decided to call this other so-called friend and ask if he still wanted to have the party. It was taking him awhile so I just went back to the room. I was offended that he decided to call his friend at that time to ask about the party. We were checking out the next day so he could have waited till he got home to call him. After calling him he came back to the room and he did apologize but, it wasn’t very sincere and his apology didn’t make me feel better. We got into a fight. He said that I didn’t think about him when planning this surprise because he had things to do that day. He had to call and make a vehicle payment that morning and go to the gym. We checked out the gym at the resort which was nice and he decided not to go. Then he told me to take him make home since I was the one who drove and the resort was local. Instead I told him to stay and that I would go home. I packed up all of my stuff and left him there at the resort. He didn’t have to leave until the next day and he had an $80 food and beverage credit.
      Well, he called that piece of trash on welfare he has working for him to come pick him up. She showed up with her roommate and kids gave him a ride home then he let all of them stay there the remaining time which he told me later. We didn’t talk for a few days and then decided to meet up at a restaurant to talk. I took the blame for everything because I didn’t want to give up on the time and emotion invested in this relationship. We started doing the things we use to do again but, on the first weekend he made plans without me and we always spent the weekends together. (By, the way he would have so-called friends that would make plans with him on the weekends and 9 times out of 10 cancel without even saying anything.) He ignored me the entire weekend. After the weekend he got back in touch with me and took me somewhere to make up for messing up my weekend. The following weekend we went out of town to Busch Gardens and everything was going fine. He even started making future plans with me. He had his own business and had to work during the week. At the beginning of the week he always got stressed out. I found out later that his work wasn’t stressful but, he made it so. I called him and he was on his way to the movies with a friend. He said I hope you don’t think that things are going to go back to the way they were and that the things I did and said to him stung and he didn’t think he would get over it. The worst thing I ever did was surprise him with the stay at the resort and leave him there. I said something in my defense and he asked if this was the last time he wanted him to ever talk to him and I said no. When I got off the phone with him something woke me up and I decided to completely write him off. He called after the movie was over but, I didn’t answer. He text me a couple of times that evening and I didn’t respond. That was the last time I had any contact with him. A little over a month later I ran into the friend he was at the movies and he seemed happy to see me. He mentioned that it was too bad about us and I just shrugged it off. He mentioned him a couple of times trying to get me to talk about him but, I didn’t. His friend said that I looked like I was in good spirits and I just said why wouldn’t I be and he just shrugged his shoulders. He insinuated that he knew about a relationship I just got into and tried to get me to talk about it. I just smiled. When I said bye to him he asked if there was anything I would like for him to tell him and I just said no. I know as soon as he got into the car he either called or text to let him know he saw me. A little later that is about the time his best friend starting sending me messages on facebook telling me that I am definitely his loss and that it is a shame. He is not the only friend to say this.
      Thank you so much for listening to my long rants. It helps me a lot learning about why he is the way he is. I tried to figure out what I did wrong. I treated him very well which he had also admitted to. I have been trying to figure out why didn’t he appreciate me especially after all the future plans he made with me and how he was suppose to be so devoted to me. When I got with him I had just lost a lot of weight and hadn’t been with anybody for a good while. I was building my self confidence back up because I didn’t think that anybody decent would want me when I was overweight. I realize now that I overlooked all of these red flags and the hings about him that I didn’t like because I tried to convince myself that I did like him because he adored me. I made myself overlook them because he was one of those good guys that never gets a break and has been done wrong by everyone he has ever been with. When he wasn’t having one of his episodes he was a great guy. Then as time went on I had invested so much emotion and time that is was hard to let go and I was scared to start over with someone new. I was afraid it would just be the same thing with someone else or maybe worse. I figure since I already knew him and what I was into I might as well work it out. Afterwards, I remembered all of the things he said he would do for me and the places he said he would take me but, never did. I believed him because he was always loyal to me even though at the time I didn’t realize he was abusive.
      I am sharing these details because going online and reading blogs from other people helped me out a lot. I hope my experiences will help someone else out. I tell people now not to settle or to convince yourself that you like someone no matter how nice that person is. If you don’t like them you just don’t like them and don’t feel bad about it.
      I also want to help people realize they are in an abusive relationship. I didn’t realize I was in one because he was never physical with me and he adored me. We spent all of our free time together and we were always doing things like going out of town, going to Disney because we had annual passes, trying new restaurants and involving each other into our lives.
      This whole ordeal broke me down and still effects me a year later. I feel bad about myself because I am much smarter than this and how could I do something so stupid. I don’t care about him because I know he never has and never will do better than me. Even if he did he will just drive them away like he did me and everyone else. It is all about the shame I feel. How could I have believed the lies and didn’t see the things he was hiding about himself? I am a very good judge of character and my first impressions of someone 9 times out of 10 are right on. Love makes us do stupid things that we normally wouldn’t do. I want others to realize that this type of thing could happen to anyone. Even if your strong you are still very vulnerable.
      I also want others to know not to build a wall around yourself because you are afraid to be vulnerable again. If you do this the other person, your abuser wins. You have to get right back on your feet again. Just be smarter and take things slower next time. Remember the best thing you can do is to live well. It will get back to your abuser some how. They might now feel the way you want them to about it but, it still affects them. I still have unanswered questions and haven’t found that ah ha! answer that will get me completely over it. I know by sharing my story and learning as much as I can as to why this person is the way they are will help me find it.

  4. Jay said

    This is an interesting website and article…the key to much of the discussion seems to be the insight the Borderline individual has into their behaviour patterns(particularly the repetition of acts/behavioral choices that lead to pain or stress for themselves and other?
    Last year I befriended a woman online who said she had been in a 7 year relationship with an awful,abusive man and was still’reeling’ from the experience. Myself and another woman(the author of the blog we met on)…offered this lady support offline and we wrote regularly to one another for several months? Eventually and with a creepy cold feeling growing in my stomach I realised that the woman we felt sorry for….wasn’t all she appeared to be. As follows;
    1.The man she said was abusive,at various times suffering from Aspergers,Psychopathy,Narcissism,Borderline,Bi-polar…was in fact normal and caring and had tried to tell her for many YEARS…that he just saw her as a friend…..
    2.She ‘stalked’ this guy online,setting up false facebook sites to trap him,breaking into his e mail account,stalking his new girlfriend,writing to his family,contacting his ex wife’s friends…you name it she did it…including sending nasty stuff to his elderly mother.She is to the best of my knowledge still doing so…
    3.She made up the fact that she was pregnant with his child…when in fact she was on the Pill and suffering from Polycystic Ovary syndrome.
    4.She created blogs about him,his impotence,facts about his early life,slurs on his character etc…..
    I could go on but you get the drift. I believe she also indulged in this activity with others who had crossed her,including her ex husband.
    The main premise she holds onto is the fact that he will return to her….as the years go on,she contacts new sites for support and changes the date when he left her to make it nearer and then basks in the sympathy and support.
    When this behaviour started to dawn on me, I confronted her and suggested she seek help… I continued to offer support for a time but it became increasingly clear to me that she had no intention of turning the light on herself? She would seek no counselling,nor would she accept her behaviour as being off kilter. She became angry and manipulative with me when I suggested any help….she then went onto write some stuff about myself and the other woman who offered her support. She is immersed in her own’pain’ and has very little empathy for others despite the fact she claims to be’an empath’….lol. Many of her emails to me show extreme anger and vindictiveness to others,colleagues and friends who she imagined had slighted her(often in tiny ways?)
    Like many Borderlines she is always’sick’ and suffers from many false ailments which are always dragged out when others question her behaviour….
    The main reason I write this is that I do believe,with insight Borderlines can make progress but in the above case….this lady identifies so strongly with the Victim Stance’ that it is pore deep and entrenched in her personality seemingly for evermore.

    I do not wish her pain but am sadly not optimistic enough to wish her happiness,she doesn’t appear to want this.
    Attention is her main drive?
    I do hope that the men she continues to try and hurt gain in strength and their fufilled relationships though and that she doesn’t waste others time in the way she wasted mine?

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