Talk to the Hand

April 11, 2013

As they say, the apple never falls far from the tree. Unfortunately, that is especially true when it comes to repeating the mistakes of our parents. The following is a borderline’s observation about her own struggle with intimacy:

Lack of Skill

Most people primarily learn behavior as a child by watching their parents interact.  Well, in my childhood home, my parents either ignored each other, or my mom was yelling about what she wanted or didn’t get from my father.  So guess what I learned to do?  I either ignore the problem until it builds up and I explode at anyone I see as contributing to the problem… even if they had no idea there even was a problem.  A lot of the adult (and even some peer) relationships I was exposed to were like that; and I learned the lesson too well, having the same pattern reinforced for 10 years during my first marriage.  I never really learned how to interact with someone I was in an intimate relationship with.

When it comes to most BPD relationships, it is all or nothing. Hot or cold. Full-blown rage or passive-aggressive silence. A BP either bashes you or shuts you out. You might have enjoyed some constructive and meaningful conversations in the beginning of the relationship. But once a borderline splits you black, it’s all over. Once they feel they are in danger of being emotionally hurt or abandoned, they will kick you to the curb. For a BP, this is a case of both nature and nurture. If a Borderline ever hopes to achieve real intimacy, he/she must learn to not push it away.

8 Responses to “Talk to the Hand”

  1. Beyond said

    I’m miserable and in tears. My heart is totally broken. If my marriage results in a divorce, it will take me years to recover, the pain will be life long. I dont think I can marry again. My trust in relationships is shattered. I’m a grown man sobbing once every few days and riddled with crippling anxiety and depression. I’m not able to work or do anything. I wish I never met her. Before marriage I noticed strange symptoms like
    the Push/Pull,Histrionics, Victimhood and Sudden Idealization/Hatred. I looked them up online and came to know about BPD. I thought getting married would make her grow up but sadly that didnt happen.If I took extra care and extra patience,the situation wouldnt have come to this, but what is a life where you have to be a parent to your wife. You give unconditional love she expects which she cannot give back. Who do you get your love and support from? sigh…Now I know the other signs, sadly everything that is described in this site fits my wife’s personality to a T. Im so heart broken, I had so many dreams with her. She was my dream girl. She betrayed me horribly, I made several sacrifices to be with her. She greatly gained professionally and socially because of me. And now she wants to walk away with everything I built and leave me high and dry. She has no remorse or guilt. She is also kicking me down by saying she isnt attracted to me anymore or that she doesnt love me inspite of me begging and pleading because I had invested so much emotionally and financially in this marriage.

    I sacrificed years of my personal happiness and professional development to make my wife happy. Sadly she is now in a full blown affair where she sucked in a white knight using sad stories where I’m the monster. She is telling him lies and half truths. I’m furious at the other man but I also feel sorry because it was her who seduced him with sad stories. He is a sucker like me.They shit in your relationship and dont want to clean it. Because there is too much shit, they want to move to a new relationship. They also dont want to solve problems because they are avoidant.I loved and adored and slaved for my wife.

    I’m not saying I’m perfect, I have some personal issues like indecision or sensitivity but no substance abuse or physical/sexual violence, nor am I a bum financially or professionally. I have always loved my wife and constantly looked for her happiness and provided for her very well.

    Sadly I’ve been raised by my Parents to believe that a women can throw tantrums and a man has to take it like a man, i.e., absorb it and not react , but I couldnt, after a while I started to lash back because I was frustrated. My mother is an amazing lady and is nothing like my wife.I guess I’m a Beta AFC, anytime I was alpha, she would beat me down emotionally. They beat you down if you are alpha, they are turned off if you are beta. They want you to lead but are resentful followers and they dont want to lead.Added to the BPD, she also had Daddy issues…FUBAR and yet I’m still hopelessly in love with her because the joy she gave is like a drug…sigh..I’m so weak I guess, it is just her.

  2. toughmat said

    Beyond, how long have you known her? Was there ever a time when she would profess her loyalty and give you the feeling she would never leave?

    What were the histrionic tendencies like? Can you give some examples of the push-pull dynamic?

    Im sorry you are going through the pain. I know what it is like, except my gf wanted me back as I was the one who tried to leave after a push-pull I thought was yet another red flag, however the pain of being without her was so immense I went back (after she threatened a restraining order and exclaimed to my own dad that she wanted me to “leave her alone” and told me “she has no reason to ever speak to me again” she still took me back). In my relationship she is extremely sensitive and jealous of my time (“time away from me is more room for lies”) and she will create tension if I dont text her constantly by being colder or sarcastic with text messages ie. “well, like usual, at least you had a great night”.

    She can be super fun, loving, thoughtful even, but turn into a malicious and angry person if she feels threatened…of course then she will justify it as pms, ptsd, the full moon, lots of her pain, hormones, or me just being “lustful” and putting myself.

    I wish I could sit here and say I know your pain will go away, because I cant as I never gave myself the chance to see that happen. I can only sympathize with how you feel now and probably not even close as you were married and she found another guy. My heart goes out to you.

    Last thing…its funny how there are so many women on the planet, and so many troubles in life greater than the loss of love (like cancer, war, poverty in masses, etc.) and yet some of us get caught up on needing or needing to be needed and loved by one woman who ultimately cant appreciate it on a consistent level.

    • toughmat said

      The indeciciveness is shared between us and the other stuff you describe is co-dependent. This has set the stage for walking on eggshells and when she withdraws or tests my love i chase or do whatever i need to in order to establish peace. even when it goes against all of my logic.

  3. toughmat said

    Great new article up at http://www.shrink4men.com.

    • savorydish said

      Yeah. Dr Tara doesn’t pull any punches.

      • savorydish said

        Sorry, I haven’t posted in a while. I’m taking a bit of a break. Here’s another interesting read in the meantime.

        http://tigerbeatdown.com/2010/10/15/the-problem-with-policing-someone-elses-mental-health/

        This was written by Garland Grey, a long-time advocate for histrionics. It was written about the same time that I started receiving hate mail from the Tiger Beatdown crew.
        According to Mr. Grey, sites like this are misinformed and using psychology as a weapon.

        I have yet to have him show me facts that contradict my own.

        You should also know that I provide links for all the information here, so that you can make up your own mind. You will also find plenty of info provided by people who are experts in this field, people who are studied. Much more than Mr. Grey.

        Knowledge is indeed a weapon. A weapon to protect you from harm.

      • savorydish said

        Just bear in mind that Garland Grey is a self-diagnosed Histrionic. He is writing to his followers, people who probably lie somewhere on the Cluster B spectrum.

  4. toughmat said

    Nick Heather, can you please explain more about the men’s group and how to help you? Tom if the offer still stands for talking on the phone I would really appreciate that. the blog is extremely helpful and all but I think it would be even more helpful to hear someone’s voice who has been through some of this stuff. I hope everyone else is doing really well.

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