An Open Letter to Sebastian

January 15, 2013

Dear Sebastian,

Recently, your wife (my borderline-ex) posted an open letter to the world. In it, she wrote what seems to be a heart-felt letter to you. But before your heart melts, you might want to read my letter to you.

For most of the world, a love letter is a very private expression of love, perhaps tucked away in a shoebox. Not so for someone who shows borderline/histrionic tendencies. She chose to post her “love” on a blog that enjoys a very large readership. Whether you know it or not, this was a carefully staged event.

She could have written a private love letter, but she didn’t. WHY?

This is a woman who wants to prove to the world that she is lovable. She wants to prove to you that she loves you. More specifically, she wants to prove she can love. But why is she working so hard to prove this? If you are not asking these questions, you have more to read.

Histrionics often explode with outward expressions of love (and hate). They shower you with affection. Jump on you when you walk through the door. Passionately kiss you in public. You will feel like you can do no wrong. This is all by design. Trust me. I know.

This is what experts call love bombing. It’s a tactic also employed by cults when they are recruiting the unsuspecting. It is an effective form of manipulation:

Critics hold that love bombing is insincere or with an ulterior motive and that it is used to reduce the subject’s resistance to recruitment.

Yes, you are a recruit. You are being recruited as an enabler. You are being recruited as an emotional punching bag. You are being recruited to fill a void that can’t be filled. You are being recruited to be a prop, a facade that is meant to create an illusion of love. But, as we all know, there is nothing real behind a facade. This is the kind of “love” your wife has to offer you.

The woman you married is a hoax. She is not who she pretends to be. She is a control-freak controlling you to make sure you don’t betray her (like her father). She orchestrates outward expressions of love like a choreographer creates a dance routine. The purpose is to keep you mesmerized and distracted, so you don’t bother looking behind the facade.

By now, you have probably noticed that she constantly has you on edge, jumping through hoops and putting out fires. She has you wondering which way is up and which way is down. This is how borderlines keep their lovers disoriented.

She keeps you on a short leash because this is the only way she can defuse her fears of abandonment. If she is love-bombing you, it is because deep down she suspects (fears) that you are on the verge of leaving her. Could her suspicions be correct?

Perhaps you’ve given her reasons to doubt your commitment. Perhaps she has given you reasons to doubt her love and question your decision to marry her in such foolish haste. Publishing that very open letter is a sign that she is now desperately trying to over-compensate for her fears of abandonment. That is a definite warning signal to you.

She is trying very hard to pull you back into the vortex. This is a sign that she senses apprehension on your part. If she ever catches on that you know too much, you will see a very different woman than the one you married. You will know the definition of being “split black”.

By creating this very public spectacle of affection, she is attempting to fool you. She is fooling herself. And she is fooling the world. This is how one stays in denial.

She will continue love-bombing you as long as she thinks it is working, because it has probably worked in the past. There is something in your personality that thirsts for this kind of attention. She knows this.

Your swing dance is actually the swing of push and pull. It is the co-dependent dance. As long as she knows she has a hold on you, she will continue showering you with very public affection. But that’s what you want. Isn’t it? Consider the possibility that the only reason why she married you was because you are so receptive to her manipulative tactics. That and her work visa was expiring.

You knew her for just a few months before you rushed to marry her. That shows alarming impulsivity on your part as well as hers. She hit the co-dependent jackpot with you.

I know you think I am her evil ex. But that is because you have listened to her devaluation and demonization of me. She needs to discredit me, in order to discredit the truth laid out in this blog. You want to believe I am the devil, so you can play her white knight. But, in reality, you are playing the co-dependent fool.

If you were to take a trip back in time, you would be shocked to realize that I got the very same treatment as you are now receiving. But I got wise to her tactics. I started questioning her ways. I made her feel insecure, because I would not play her manipulative games.

This is when she split me black, from hot to cold. Take a good look at the way she treats me now. Listen to the way she talks about me. Because if she finds out that you are on to her, you will receive the very same treatment.

I was always suspicious of her love-bombing. It felt fake and forced. At times she laid it on so thick, it made me recoil. There was a time she imagined me to be the One and wanted me to move in with her after just 8 months of dating. But I wanted no part of that. I have no doubt, she would have tried to pressure me into marriage as well.

She moves fast, that one. But I don’t have to tell you that. You should know that she asked me to move in with her at a time when our relationship was rocky. Because it is when things are rocky, you will find her staging dramatic expressions of love.

You agreed to marry her after 3 months of dating. 3 months. That’s a huge red flag. Why were you so eager to marry her? You should not only question her impulsivity. You should question your own. You should ask why you did not see all these red flags. You should ask why you were so easily duped.

You should be suspicious of all her motives. The one you married is all about ulterior motives. You should know that all my suspicions about her were later confirmed. I don’t expect you to believe a word I say. So do your own research on BPD and Histrionic Personality Disorder.

I know you are flattered by all her loving words. Don’t be. Do not let her passionate words impress you. Borderlines with histrionic tendencies are very convincing when they tell you they will “love you forever”. This is a well-rehearsed act. This is utter bullshit. She is not capable of love.

She knows flattery gets her everywhere. This is what BPD specialists call idealization. As you can see, she is very very good at making people feel special. This is a survival skill perfected by people who fear abandonment.

The cold hard truth is you are not special to her. Her love letter is a script that has been read to many lovers before you, including me. Yes, at one time, she had nothing but sweet nothings to whisper in my ear. Sweet words that were remarkably similar to the words in her open letter to you. I have love letters to prove it.

Notice how she included past lovers in her love letter. This should also be a red flag. She has done this before. She has left many many lovers in her wake. They have all fallen for her act. The very same act you have fallen for.

One forum visitor had this to say about a borderline:

She can go from “loving me forever” to having me be “dead to her”, all in a day.

By now, you may have already experienced this hot and cold treatment. This is known as push and pull behavior. It is how someone behaves when they have ambivalent feelings about intimacy. It’s how someone behaves when they have been deeply wounded by loved ones since 3 years of age.

I assume you know about her dark past. She tells stories of a dark past because it puts a magical hold on “white knights”. She has you wrapped around her little finger.

You can take this letter two ways. You can take it as the rantings of a jaded ex. Or you can take it as a sincere warning of events to come. You have no reason to believe the things I say. But you would save yourself a lot of grief, if you looked behind the facade. See for yourself, without the fog.

You are under the spell of a master illusionist. You can not see the forest through the trees. You may not want to see what I see. I am sure she has done a very good job of telling you how “crazy” I am. But as you read the contents of this blog, you will notice that a lot of it makes sense… as if it were all based on scientific fact. That’s because it is.

My advice to you is to RUN. Take what dignity you have and RUN. Take my advice or leave it. The choice is yours.