I Am Adam Lanza’s Mother

December 16, 2012

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Another senseless shooting. This time in Connecticut. The killer- Adam Lanza. While most of the nation has been crying out for gun control, I know the problem goes much deeper than that.

Guns did not kill those teachers and school children. Someone who was profoundly disturbed killed them. Adam Lanza was no different than all the other lone gunmen that have haunted our nation. The time to talk about mental illness is now.

For the last two years, I have been writing about personality disorders/mental illness. So when I heard about this tragic story, I knew mental illness was at the root of it. I know what it’s like when someone you love is frighteningly troubled. Then I stumbled upon an article written by a mother. A mother whose child bears a striking resemblance to Adam Lanza. Her child is now hospitalized. Let’s hope that is where he will stay.

If we have any hope of preventing this alarming trend from repeating itself over and over again, then we MUST address the issue of mental health. If we change the topic of our conversations, our politicians will listen. We must start talking about mental illness or history will repeat itself. Prayers and vigils are not enough.

46 Responses to “I Am Adam Lanza’s Mother”

  1. savorydish said

    Mental illness is a dirty secret that families will literally guard with their life. Those living with BPD are no exception. When you threaten to reveal their secret, you will find the whole family pounding on your door. They will attack you with threats and smears. Anything to silence you. What they don’t realize is that their silence is only exacerbating the problem. They will not realize this until they find out one day that their loved one has done the unthinkable.

  2. Lauri said

    It is true like I said in my last comment on a diffrent post therapist are seriously only taking the easy patients not the hard patients. People said oh your blaming the therapist like its a bad thing. It is there fault Im not saying its not mine too but its mainly there fault. Therapist will only it seems now a days only take the easy patients not the hard one and that is what needs to stop. Therapist become therpasit to help pretty much all types of people especially the hard cases. If you dont want to take the hard cases then dont be a therapist. People with the disorders that are challenging to deal with for therapsit need the most help and therpaist wonder why people do this its because no therapist will help them you tell them to get help but makes no sesnse because you wont help them.

    Therapist stop turning away stop closing your eyes to this when you know it is your fault. If you think they need help do something then help them dont turn them away. I know from personal experiance too therapist just give up on me leave me say I need help but how can I get help when no therapist will help me.

    You wonder why well this is why the world is like this because therapist are not seeing the hard and severe cases when they really should be. I have learned and I promise you this if I get to be a therapsit which I really hope too I will not turn away the hard and severe cases I will never give up on them I will see them I will help them I will not turn them away.

    Adam most likely had anti social personality disorder not borderline but who knows. Not every one with a mental disorder will do theses kinds of things. I know for me I will NEVER do this Im a kind compassionte person that truley cares about other people. I would never do something sick like this. I feel bad for the familys and the poor kids. God rest there soul’s.

    • savorydish said

      It’s not just therapists. Society also has a fear of mental illness. They would rather sweep the problem under the rug then talk about it.

      Whatever troubled the mind of Adam Lanza was probably so severe that no therapist could help him.

      So what do we do with people like him? Lock him up in a psych ward for life? What mother would hospitalize her child if she knew her child would be branded a psychopath?

      The answer is never easy. But I do know we can no longer stay silent. When I think about the small children who were shot point blank, it breaks my heart.

      • savorydish said

        This is what we know about Adam Lanza:
        According to some sources, Adam didn’t really feel pain. So he couldn’t possibly be BP. Borderlines feel a lot of pain.

        Sources also say Adam was diagnosed with Asperger’s which made him socially awkward and prone to outburst. His mother was described as being kind but high-strung. That could point to BPD or Bipolar.

        Adam was pulled out of school at one point and home schooled. That might have added to feelings of isolation and rejection. Add to that the divorce and you have a ticking time-bomb.

        Only now, can we assume that he had Antisocial, Schizoid and Avoidant PD.

        http://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2012/12/diagnosing-adam-lanza/266322/

  3. lauri said

    Therapy may have helped him if a therapsit was willing to see him and not give up on him leave him. Also not having guns in the house would have helped. Yes I agree most likely antisoical.

    • savorydish said

      If your child was dying of cancer and the first doctor could not treat him, would that stop you from looking for another… and another?

      • lauri said

        No of course not. But this is diffrent. These therapsit hurt me if they didnt hurt me if they just left me gave up on me and didnt hurt me I would probably be more willing to find another therapist. But since they hurt me too to the point literaly I cryed for hours and hours some days bec of them and wanted to die thats how bad they were hurting me and yes you probably ask why stay bec I loved them in a straight way and Im a nice person and cared about them even though they hurt me and wanted to give them a second chance and thought they would change but they never did.

      • savorydish said

        You do understand that becoming attached to therapists and feeling hurt is all part of the disorder. Right?

  4. naples104 said

    I am not buying that he was on the autism spectrum, I have an autistic son and have been dealing with aspergers for years. I have seen hundreds of children with aspergers and I have never seen an aggressive child or one prone to out bursts. They are gentle and loving and aspergers has to do with social cue’s that they miss not anti social behavior. He was mentally ill and no one took action, these people always demonstrate that they are about to snap and I am sure it will come he did too. But, Autistic, even if he was it had nothing to do with what he did.

    Tom

    • savorydish said

      He was indeed diagnosed with Asperger’s, but that alone was not an explanation for his acts of violence. He had many other issues going on.

      I certainly don’t want to demonize people with this condition. I am sure they can be gentle. Adam Lanza was an exception to this rule.

      But Aspergers does make it hard for people to socialize. Being labeled “the weird kid” in a small town is not easy for any kid. Neither is divorce. But for a kid with a history of mental illness, it’s enough to send him off the deep end.

      High rejection-sensitivity may have been an important factor here.

  5. naples104 said

    When you live with someone that is mentally ill and goes into a rage like the the woman that I lived with did many times you can see how these people snap. One incident I had was last christmas when Debi picked up the tree and threw a six tree like a javelin at me and then picked up the ornaments and threw them at me. Keep in mind that she is 5’4″ 130 lbs and not a weight lifter. I could not have done that if I wanted to, Her rage gave her incredible strength, she hit me in the head with her purse, kicked me, slapped me and tried several times to punch me, all over my daughter coming to visit for a few days. Plus she did not like her gifts so she went fucking nuts. I should have called the police but I knew she would lie and said I trashed the house and I would have gone to jail. Then she blamed me for her rage saying I provoked her and she said she just “snapped”. Had we had a weapon in the house she may have killed me. I was such a mess during that period of my life, (she left the next day), and I begged her back again and she cam back and did it 2 more times before she found another man and left for good. I called the guy up and told him what she had done to me over a 2 year period and he dumped her. Now I see her on a dating sites I am on, looking for her next victim. Thank God I sought help and learned about why I allowed her to do this to me and my children and i have all the tools I need to have it never happen again. If you have been a victim of a BPD my brothers, get help. Find a therapist that treats BPD women and do everything that person says until they tell you that you dont need to come back.

  6. lauri said

    she has major anger issues.Probably trying to seek attention by doing that. I know I dont throw stuff like that.

  7. lauri said

    Savorydish that is your opinion. Thats whats wrong with society now a days we can just leave people and never see them again and have no feeling toward it not miss them nothing. God sayed love one another be there for one another he did not say but not therapist he said everyone. Thats also whats wrong with society thinking loving therapsit is wrong its not simple as this therapist are human beings just like us people see them as God they are NOT there hurting just like we all are . Not all of them have it all together like they put offf. What I hate the most is therapsit thinking there God that they have it all together when they dont. I tell my therapsit that I say you are a human and thats how Ill treat you. I love them but bec society teaches us its bad every one thinks its bad things need to change we have a right to love any one we want that goes for therapist they can not tell therpasit you cant love your patients im sorry but you have no right to tell another human being who they can or can not love. NO ONE HAS A RIGHT TO TELL YOU WHO YOU CANT OR CAN NOT LOVE.

    I did nothing wrong by loving my therapsit Im a nice carring compassionate person I care about other people always doing for other people I loved her and I was there for her even though she wasent for me even though she treated me like trash I was there for her no matter what and she knew that. I forgive both of the therapist with all of my heart doesnt mean what they did was right still wrong and I still love them and forgive them and still would do any thing for them because jsut bec some one is mean to you doenst mean you have to be mean back. Im not mean back I jsut forgive them love them there for them even though they wont do that stuff back to me and I realize there sick in the head thats probably why they hurt me and wouldnt say sorry or stop so I feel sorry for them there sick in the head they dont understand fully what there doing to me now and then.

  8. lauri said

    Society says its part of a mental disorder because it does not go along with society rules that was what I was geting at. Sometimes society is wrong and you got to not stay in the society bubble all the time. Still what I said above is true I did nothing wrong by loving and caring about another human being more people need to do that. just love one another forgive often and be there for them no matter what. and just bec soem one is mean to you doesnt mean you have to be mean back. I will be the change that needs to happen in this world I see whats wrong and I act. From my experiance with therapist I now know what not to do when im a therapist. I truley believe if a therapsit does not email or call or pick up there making there patient suicidal that is the truth. My proof I bet you some of the teen suicides some of those people that killed them self was bec they called ther therapist late at night and if the therapist only picked up they wouldnt have killed them self. odnt say oh thats what crisi line is for and bla bla thats so un caring and rude bottom line people want to reach out to some one they know like there therapist not some crisie line. I am being reasonable im not geting into it all but im being reasonable bec the rule should be to tell your patients that if you call late at night it has to be a emergency only.

    I truley care about people and Im sorry but when Im a therapsit I refuse to make people suicidal and Im not a rude person like therapist im not uncaring like them either. I will pick up late at night when my patients call I will email them back and I will respond to there phone calls bec I truley care. Again eveyr one thinks oh your crazy for thinking this again eveyr one is sayign that to me including you guys because it does not go with what society says to do when sometimes things need to be changed for the better of patients. Why do you think there is shootings like this again it goes back to therapist leaving the hard cases and saying nope wont help you over and over again its not jsut one they go to another one try again say the same thing im sorry but after a while you get tired and hurt and discouraged to even keep trying so people quiet trying. Also therapsit not truley caring leads people feeling more depressed and doing these shooting. We need more compassionte therapsit bottom line we need therapist to pick up with there patient calls pick up late at night email back and so on if you cant do it or think its too much then dont be a therapist. Trust me I do believe there is a reaosn I have been through these experiances and it is to change the way therapsit interact with there patients for the better I cant wait to be a therapist.

    • savorydish said

      Lauri,

      You’re using your therapist to fill the void you feel inside of you. That is not love. Instead of getting help, you’re making your therapists responsible for your suicidal tendencies. If you are that troubled, you might want to check yourself into a hospital. Smothering people who are trying to help you is not love. That is your BPD talking.

  9. lauri said

    suree. whatever you can think what you want to think. I did love them though. Smothering dont think its smothering its truley careing being there for another person when they need you.

    • savorydish said

      A therapist is a professional. Trying to make the relationship something more is crossing a line. I don’t blame your therapist for breaking it off. If you can’t understand why they did that, you’ve got a long way to go. I’m with Naples. Please get help now, especially if you are having thoughts of suicide.

  10. naples104 said

    Lori, get help now, loving a therapist is one thing if you meet them on a dating site or socially, falling in love with your analyst is part of the illness and it is not uncommon I am told. You are not in love with your therapist, you are in love with being in love but you cannot sustain the feeling of love because of the pain you suffer. You are so close to having a better life if you let your therapist do the work they can. Try to open your mind and deal with the pain that is driving your actions. Merry Christmas everyone, almost a year since Debi spoiled the holiday last year, so happy I do not have to deal with her this year.

    Tom

  11. naples104 said

    I would like to wish every one on here a Merry Christmas. This site was the beginning of my recovery from Debi. When I became aware of what BPD is I found this blog. It has helped me enormously. All of you suffering from being with a BPD or the few that read here that are suffering from BPD’s I hope you heal and have a great new year. Thanks for helping me survive and heal.

    Tom

  12. toughmat said

    I got back from my trip. It was very interesting on many levels. Being isolated like that should have been super easy but we still had some arguments throughout. Once I accidently locked her in the room in the morning
    ( lock was outside and I thought I was just closing the door) when I went to walk to an internet cafe to email my dad and she found me on the street and was fuming. She said if I want to just have my own trip because I “always seem to want to leave her and wander off” (bs). I just took it on the chin and in 20 minutes we were good and she was being cutesy. She seems to have different personalities. I mean we all do but hers seem drastic: 1. guard up, she doesnt need anyone attitude 2. the calm and rational one who is normal who I like the best 3. the little girl 4. the one who is sick and in pain (sometimes combines with the little girl) 5. the judgmental one of others especially to animal cruelty “I would kill them, I dont care” 6. the offended manipulative one who says things like “i have to say despite the nice things you say to me its sad that you have to constantly look at every good or decent looking girl”.

    We had some amazing times and some frustrating ones. She would tell me sometimes when she was emotional over our past and the fact that I had been there to costa rica before and she had read my messages about the hot latin women to my friends. It bothered her and I had to explain myself a lot. I tried to be as comforting as possible but its very difficult not to get frustrated. One night she was feeling bothered by this beach party town (which she hates). A monkey appeared and she saw me glance at a girl who had a limp while she was snapping pictures of a monkey. She asked what I was looking at and truthfully it was the girl limping whiile she caught me but before I was looking at everyone which included some young attractive girls. She suddenly wasnjt hungry anymore (obvious sign to tell me she is upset) and said she will go to room but I can stay out because it seems like I Want to. What a test…I said no I want to stay with her and went to bed frustrated.

    Once we were driving and I saw this amazing body on a woman walking. I glanced in rear view to see her front. I was then asked if I cant see someones front if I look in rearview mirror to see what they look like. I lied and said I wasnt in that case but sometimes I will look at people. I told her I am not a robot and I dont expect her to be a robot like her ex did. Once I told her that when a guy sees skin he thinks of sex. She always holds that against me. I told her just because I said that doesnt mean every woman I see I think of banging them. She stayed quiet but finally relaxed again. I learned people can hold on to things for only so long.

    Last night I dropped her off and went to a sports bar to watch fights by myself. This after she saw me checking out a girl in the airport before my brother picked us up. I told her I was not looking nearly as much as she thinks. that the girl had a boyfriend and I was watching how they interact. It didnt matter.
    she has this way of creating space via texts and she did it with my while I was at the sports bar. “im glad you get to have fun like you wanted to” and then she says “goodnight” with no love you. IF she is not mad she says super nice things. What the fuck can a man do!?!?! Now today she says lets see how she feels whether she will hang out or not because she is bothered “I feel its ok to look at other girls when she is around so imagine how much I do it when she is not around”.

    This shit is getting old…nothing is changing. We come home from a fantastic trip where I dont even leave her side more than 20 minutes (btw even my shits took too long) and I am the bad guy again.

  13. toughmat said

    I will add …its not getting old..in fact it is exciting…who knows when the next breakup will be! It could be today, tomorrow, then we can makeup! She can be nice tomorrow and normal, or mean and cold. How fun!

    I am being sarcastic, but there is great truth. I am literally shaking with nerves right now as I do everytime it feelsl like she is being so ridiculous I cant believe I am with her. Bjut I cant leave because I love her or I am addicted. She had me fooled and I had me fooled at times on this trip that she was great and we will work. First night and day back and there is drama about me looking at girls. She is using it to push me away to see if I care I think now that we are back in the states. For new years we will have made up and then Lord knows after that. She also gave me a talk in Costa Rica how all women are detectives not just her and “she is not saying it for any reason” but all women are constantly playing detective but she just has the courage to express what is bothering her.

  14. toughmat said

    Maybe I have a severe looking problem…I definitely look, but now I am doing it discreetly or trying not to and we still get into fights about it.

    • Flopsy said

      Toughmat, I agree that you’re not a robot. But from your post you spend a lot of time describing other women. Most women after a while would take issue with this regardless if BPD. Are you okay with her checking out men? How would you feel if she was posting descriptions of them on a blog? Maybe she is! Being addicted to a BPD is a nightmare , you are certainly welcome to it. I wish you the best.

  15. toughmat said

    Flopsy,

    She wants to control my eyes because looking hurts her feelings because she is overly sensitive and slightly (even though she acts insecure) narcissistic in the sense that she should be the prize queen. I get all women want that to some extent, but some women are understanding about human nature and that men will look but its not a big deal. I glance sometimes but I am still getting into trouble when I look away immediately or forcing myself not to look. I dont think it should be such a major issue in a relationship. I tell her I dont care if she looks and I point out attractive guys to her because they dont threaten me and that is my choice. I get that my shit stinks, and I am not the only guy on the planet. I will make a greater effort to be more respectful about it but some of her demands and comments are set up for failure. “Have fun staring at all the women tonight” is an immature, passive aggressive comment in my opinion. Or, “glad you are able to have fun at the bar like you wanted” and then “how many drinks did you have?” feel like interrogation. From my understanding, healthy relationships involve live and let live, and this has elements of the opposite coming at me which I just cannot imagine living with for the long haul.

  16. naples104 said

    Tough, I am a man and appreciate beauty too but looking at other women irrespective if she is mentally ill is disrespectful to any woman. If you want to play the field you should but do the decent thing and break up with her. If she is a BPD then break up no matter what.

    Tom

    • toughmat said

      I guess i am not making it clear. I am deliberately not looking or looking away immediately And there are stil issues. She watches my eyes anticipating errors on my part.

  17. naples104 said

    Laurie, maybe your not a borderline, all the experiences on here with BPD have been horrible, mine included. It will be a tough sell on this blog to get any one to believe that any value exists in having a friendship or a relationship with a BPD. I have found a couple on dating sites that seem to have all the warning signals and I run in the other direction.

    Tom

  18. lauri said

    Well Im sorry naples that you have only met the real mean ones. There not all mean and abusive. For people that have it where stuck with that stigma that were all like that which hurts bec people judge us before geting to know us. I can honestly tell you I am not the stigma I am not a eviel mean abusive borderline.

    huggss alll

    • savorydish said

      Lauri,

      Your comments were deleted because they were becoming abusive and irrational. That is not tolerated here.

      SD

      • lauri said

        They were not abusive and they were not irrational. I would never abuse any one dont you dare make up lies I would never be abusive to any one.

        still that is mean and rude you wouldnt like it if I deleted your comment so dont do it to me its hurt ful makes me depressed and you dont care }:

  19. naples104 said

    Laurie, why would you want to live your life with a serious mental illness especially when you say you know you are suffering from it? No man that is mentally healthy will stay with a woman that has a mental illness for life, it’s too hard and does way too much damage to all the people involved. I wish you a happy new year and I hope you over come this if you are truly a boder line. My Debi, had a kind side too but her pain from her early life was too much for her handle and she would blame everyone for life’s problems and her illness got very bad. This can only get worse for you if you are a BPD, it will not go away. Get help and go to a mental health specialist that deals only with cluster B and BPD’s and work hard at the rest of your life, you sound like a woman that wants a normal life and that will not happen if you take no action. All the best and God’s speed in your recovery.

    Tom

    • toughmat said

      Tom i am intentionally looking away and still getting ridiculed. i think eithern she is so damaaged and hurt by anything or she has this need to create conflict.

  20. naples104 said

    well, only you know if she is unstable or over reacting but I will tell you in the 35 years that I have lived with women not one of them ever understood or tolerated me looking at other women. I like to be with one woman, from now on it has to be a sane woman. Happy New Year

    • Flopsy said

      Lauri…I don’t know you but I have read your comments. I have to say that you are correct in stating that not all borderlines are the same. However, they do present with similar psychopathology hence the diagnosis. The severity of behavior/symptoms do vary. But the underlying causes are similar. Most of the people who comment here have had horrible experiences with BPD’s. Though most are polite in their responses, but a sympathetic shoulder to moan and rant on will not be found here. There are so many pro-BPD websites/blogs why did you pick a blog that is the antithesis of BPD?

  21. lauri said

    Im here to stop the stigma. I know you guys were hurt by a borderline but that doesnt mean they all will hurt you or act the same. I hate being diagnosed with borderline bec its a huge stigma I know bec I got kicked out of a place jsut bec I said I had borderline not lieing it was very hurtful still hurts very much. You need to get to know the person before you judge them were not all the same. I am ashamed of saying I have borderline and I hate it.

    • savorydish said

      Lauri,

      All you are doing here is perpetuating the stigma. The more you fight us, the more you reveal the nature of your pathology. If you want to stop the stigma, then go see the DBT therapist. To get better you are going to have to get over your trust issues.

      • lauri said

        Hmm seemed a little harsh and like a threat. Im doing this not just for me but for others too. You can choose to stigma any one thats diffrent but know it truley hurts the person when you do that get to the know the person before you judge them and think oh you must be like this bec of what I read or whatever every one is diffrent get to know the person before judging them. You can hate me be against me but I did nothing to you for you to hate me and to not like me. Thats all Im going to say.

      • savorydish said

        This site has been visited by many BPs hoping to stop the stigma of BPD. What they are all failing to realize is that this blog exists for a reason. The behavior of most BPs go unchecked.

        The nature of BPD is such that most BPs are completely unaware of their pathology. Spreading awareness about such pathology is not the problem. The pathology is the problem. The high drama left here in the comment section only adds to the stigma.

        To those afflicted with BPD, do not expect society to become more tolerant of your ways. That is an unrealistic expectation. Nobody should have to put up with the mood swings and the emotional outbursts. This includes passive-aggressive tactics such as the silent
        treatment or betrayal.

  22. naples104 said

    Laurie, it is not a stigma, living with some one that is mentally ill is horrible and I would imagine that suffering from mental illness is as horrible.

    • Flopsy said

      Laurie I cannot imagine having mental illness. Generally people are not understanding. BPD is one of the worse because of the casualties they leave behind. I hope everything works out for you.

  23. lauri said

    Not every one with a mental illness is horrible to live with. Stigma is real. Yeah I dont think Im a severe case of borderline Ill be okay. Parents forcing me to see a DBT therapsit really dont want to go im being forced }: I dont want to see her I just dont want to get hurt again I dont trust therapist. Thanks

  24. naples104 said

    Laurie, if you dont go you will only get worse. Debi’s mental illness has grown much worse over the years, she was mild when she was in her 20’s and now she rages to the point of violence. Go to the therapist and save your self and all the people that you may hurt along the way. Maybe you will be surprised that you are not a BPD and you have some other emotional issue.

  25. naples104 said

    to Savory’s point, the awareness of the flags of a BPD is what is so important. If I had known or heard of BPD, I would have run in the other direction from Debi. The term borderline is used because they are borderline psychotic. In my case she was violent and dangerous. She had a sense of entitlement that I foolishly spend about 50k on. She is a pot head that says that sex is better for her high. Many times the weed made her even more crazy. Sex for her was all about attention for her, if she could use you to help her drug addicted drug dealing son out, she will and never say thank you. Nothing you do for her counts, only thing that counts is what is done for her that she wants right now and if you dont do it she would act like a 10 year old. Her adoration for me when she was on a high was unreal and her hatred for me when she was angry was scary. No one should ever have to live with a person that is as sick as Debi is. If you live in Naples Florida and meet her on a dating site, contact me. She is a dangerous psychotic that will lure you in with her body and deep green eyes, the rest of her is a devil from hell. I feel sorry for her, she is unaware that she is so sick. As for you Laurie, the answer is not sympathy for BPD’s it is awareness to either tell them to help or stay away from them, It is not something that any man could live with.

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