Surrounded by Assholes

October 3, 2012

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Before making a hasty exit, a BP will tear you down (devaluation). Making you look like the asshole gives them a valid reason to cut your heart out and stomp it to the ground.

This is why it so important not to get involved with someone like this. Your well-being is at stake. Don’t allow them into your heart and you will save yourself the heartache. The once tender lover was hiding a darkside. And you will not discover it until it is too late.

46 Responses to “Surrounded by Assholes”

  1. len said

    That statement says it all i was with a bpd girl i loved her so much and thought she felt the same she told me i was the best ever her knight in shineing arnour she said i was amazeing and wanted to spend the rest of her life with me she told me she would never leave me i loved her with all my heart and she dumped me for someone else now im left heartbroken heartbroken shes totaly destroyed me how could someone be so heartless cold and shallow

  2. Flopsy said

    So true I found myself lamenting about the BPD that did this…it is really tragic how they wreak havoc with their false assertions of love. When the dust settles and you start to become who you were before (but a more wary version) you realize (I did) that instead of being a victim of tsunami I fell prey to a straight line wind. Much better in the long run.

    • len said

      Yeah thanks for your reply i just still cant beleive this has happened . Is it known for people with this disorder to ever try to re contact you in the future? Or do they just move on to their next victim? Ive cutball contact with her but she knows where i live and people i know. What do you think?

      • savorydish said

        She may contact you but it will be to hoover you back into the whirlwind. But yes, they do move on to the next victim. This is their idea of a fresh start. If they do find another victim, the chances of contact dramatically reduce. They have found someone to fill their void, you are no longer needed.

      • len said

        Thanks for your reply so do you think that she has lied and deceived me from day one because it felt like love to me at first then she changed but i was putting up with her because i wanted to remeber the good times and not the bad. Do you think she new what she was doing from day one? Do you think that the guy she dumpef me for will get the same treatment? Ivr just found out also that her new guy has split personality disorder and is schitzofrenic do you think they could get on? Or could be a timebomb waiting to go of. Thanks for your replys and opinions. Len

      • savorydish said

        Lies/deception are maladaptive survival mechanisms. That’s why they think nothing of it. BPs have shallow emotions so they must fake love. Will she get along with her new schizo boyfriend? At first. Birds of a feather flock together, but you are right when you say that is a timebomb waiting to go off. You were lucky to get out.

      • leonard said

        yeah i put barriers up in our relationship and started to keep away then i see the true colours she realy didnt care about me and treated me like shit towards the end but i will say this she did buy me a lot of material stuff but i didnt ask for any of it she even had my pictures up on the wall and had a tatoo on her arm with my name lenny in it all this she done of her own back then when she finaly finished with me she got her mate to text me telling me that its over so i tryed to phone her but she didnt answer and text me she wants a clean break i said cant we be friends and she replied no what if i meet someone.it broke my heart im strugling at the moment but will get through as i have alot of good people around me she has constantly put me down and cant say a good thing about me and even said her new bloke is a better man which hurt me bigtime as the only thing i ever done was treat her like a princess and love care and be there for her whenever i could.do you think her new bloke could end up hurting her physicaly as he has split personality disorder and schitzophrenia. just curious. i appreciate all your replys responses thanks youve been very helpfull to me. len.

      • savorydish said

        Len,

        If she has a self-destructive personality, there’s a very good chance she could get hurt. But you take care of yourself and make sure you stay away from this vortex. Remind yourself of her mean and selfish qualities whenever you feel the addiction calling.

  3. Marie said

    Savory Dish Thanks for the quote, this not only applies to my BPD ex but also work at the moment.

    Len, she may try to get you back down the road when she’s alone again but don’t fall for it. The next time she gets you things will be more wonderful than the first time but she will turn around very quickly and treat you even worse than she ever did before. No contact is the way to go and move on with your life.
    Hugs to you both!

  4. len said

    Thanks marie for your response and your opinion what are your views on her new partner he has split personaliy disorder and schitzophrenia do you thik the relationship could work because the fact that they both have an ilness or do you think its like a timb bomb waiting to go off? Maybe it coulf be dangerous whats your opinions on this.? Im very curious and would just like to know your opinion? Thanks for your replies much appreciated. Len.

    • Marie said

      Len,
      Each person can be different as you will see if you read all the available posts here by various BPD ex “survivors”. I spent weeks over the Summer researching this online and found a great article written for men who had a borderline ex but for the life of me I can’t find it now. It gave several steps on how to get over your BPD ex and one of them was something like “don’t worry, whatever bad things she did to you she will eventually do to the new guy if she’s not already doing them”.
      The fact that your ex and her new guy are both ill leads me to believe that eventually the honeymoon will be over and what we all think is dysfunctional is just the tip of the iceberg for them. They might stay together in a constant push and pull until they wear themselves out or worse. Savory Dish is right, it’s something you don’t want to be a part of.
      Remember that some people with BPD are psychopathic and are actually capable of killing their significant other. Please go to the website I’m going to paste here once you have read everything the wonderful Savory Dish has here. It will help you, it helped me. http://gettinbetter.com/articles.html
      Stay strong and stay away at all costs. Don’t break the no contact which is vital to move on. I went back again and again to see what would happen and study this PD a little more. I realized I was raised by not one but 2 borderlines. This discovery did me a world of good and now I’m staying FAR away from anyone that has BPD.
      Hugs,
      Marie

      • leonard said

        hi marie thanks for getting back to me and giving me all the information and your experiece about this terrible ilness conditon
        called bpd i am shell shocked and my head is in turmoil still from
        being in a relationship with someone who had yhis conditon i truly
        was in love with this women and can not believe to this day that someone could just drop you like that and delete you from their life
        everyday is a struggle for me but i am maintaing no contact and wil remain to do so and will i dont want back i couldnt do nothing right i was constantly critizized and put down and bullied but i see her true colours and stood up to her and put barriers up for myself to protect my own health and wellbeing.i never thought that someone would be capable of that kind of abuse i thought we was going to be together foreever get married and have a family but it was all lies on her behalf i was lied to cheated on manipulated its left me feeling bitter with myself upset and very angry i think i may have to seek proffesional help . thank you again for your replies marie and your advice you have been very helpfull. regards. len.

      • leonard said

        high marie. i have done what you said and have had no contact with my ex bpd partner her auntie who likes me and i keep in contact with has told me that she has phoned her and said that we are over and are not getting back together she said her new man is a better man than me and they are going to be together for ages she also slagged me down and said why are you talking to him hes no good he done this he done that all i ever done was bend over backwards and put her best interests first and this is how i get treated ive gone from being an amazing person and told im her knight in shining armour and that she would never leave me to being treated like shit it feals like my hearts been ripped out and stomped all over.she had a miscarige to me in march she was 9 weeks pregenant obviously we were both devestated i did have counseling and she has now to as far as i know.i have got a rose bush to plant in memory of our loss a catholic fransiscan monk i
        know is going to do a service and plant the rose bush in memory of our loss in their garden for us whats killing me the most is that her aunt told her that when i get the date to plant it she will let her know as i dont have any contact details for her anymore as i deleted them all so have to go through her aunt. she has said she wont be there this has hurt me bigtime how can someone be so shallow im in bits about this and struggling at the moment to come to terms. please reply if possible. len

    • Marie said

      Len,
      I’m so sorry for your loss. Your situation makes it hard to respond and sound nice. Please know that you have my sympathy 100% and keep that in mind as you read. You need to know that for many people with BPD a relationship is not as real as it is for you and I. They are really skilled in the beginning at faking love, being in love and being a wonderful partner. As soon as they know their partner is totally in love with them is when the game changes and the other person inside comes out. I think that some BPD’s are truly nice people deep inside, however, they are the ones who have loved ones they care about enough to go to therapy and stick with therapy forever.
      There are many BPD’s who get pregnant on purpose (or get their partner pregnant) to “trap” the non BPD in a relationship. Lucky for me my ex already had 3 kids and didn’t want any more. I’m not saying that’s what happened in your case but it’s possible. Was she ever pregnant before with someone else? It doesn’t matter because the lies sometimes are too numerous to keep track of.
      When I said NO CONTACT I meant no contact. No “cheating” by talking to her relatives or checking her online stuff like Facebook or going to places you know she goes to all the time. She is NOT interested in anything that has to do with you. I find it wonderful what you are doing for the lost baby but realize she only loves herself. Do you really want to see her again especially under such sad circumstances? It sounds like you are trying to find ways to stay in her life and to see her again or maybe even get back together with her. She has moved on (for now anyway) and so must you but for good. If you keep doing what you are doing you could be a target for her for many things the least of which is trying to get you back.
      OF COURSE she said the new guy is great, it’s the beginning when everything is wonderful. A new broom always sweeps cleaner than the old one…give it time. Of course she invented things that make you sound bad because that’s all part of the condition. My own mother who is BPD and also schizophrenic called my workplace and wanted to talk to my boss when I was 30 years old. Luckily he wasn’t there but my mother spent an hour on the phone with his secretary trashing me. The lies she told her were unbelievable! That secretary was my friend and already knew all about my mom because she had a mom vewho had a PD too. Some BPD’s stalk their exes, some ruin their reputations and make them lose their jobs/families/everything. I have read some truly horrific things about what they are capable of (besides murder) and I can’t believe that the general public has not been made aware of this sooner. Thanks to Savory Dish and Shari and even BPD’s themselves who are wonderful enough to share we are all able to learn and support each other.
      The best thing you can do is cut off all contact with anyone associated with her. Please go to therapy and do things every day to get your mind off of her. Please surround yourself with people you can trust and who really do love you. Lean on them and lean on us here. Remember you are addicted to someone who is bad for you and you MUST go cold turkey in order to heal.
      Hugs,
      Marie

      • len said

        Thank you marie you have been a great help the best at understanding so far what i am going through in my head my heads in turmoil all contact has stopped and now i must stop contact with het aunt to i will do as soon as the rose bush is planted i will cut all contact thank you for being so supportive i would like to if possible if its ok with you to maybe meet you in person and talk to you face to face in the future maybe its possible i would like to have a proper chat and speak to you about things i cant write on hear it would be greatly apppreciated if you could. Regards. Len.

      • Mark said

        Hi Marie, your notes have been very helpful. I was just wondering if you went through the stage in your BPD relationship where you often think that your ex had some basis for projecting onto you. She would engage in crazy-making behavior that would drag me into the drama and then I would look troubled as well. When I would verbally go back at her about her past behavior she would just respond by saying that I was being unforgiving and unreasonable or even worse. She even accused me of having serious emotional issues which I now sometimes think I do; and she gave them to me with her silent treatments, pushing away, flirtations and rule-making. She dumped me on a few occasions and then inexplicably took me back by saying she missed me and other things I really can’t recall. Why was I willing to give up all self-respect for this person? Was it that easy for her to manipulate me? What is wrong with me? I am going to get help to find out. I believe I now have to.

    • Marie said

      Len,
      It will be really difficult to cut all contact but I know you can do it. Your writing style and vocabulary sound British? Are you in the USA?
      Hugs,
      Marie

      • len said

        Hi marie you are correct in saying that im british i live work and reside in the uk im living in london. Len.

    • Marie said

      Len,
      Boston is a great place to visit and I don’t live too far from there. Thanks to my ex I got to know the city a little. Perhaps we can meet there someday. For now, surround yourself with good people and try to do things every day to take your mind off of all that has happened. Don’t let this addiction ruin whatever you have left that’s good. You ARE a good person.
      Hugs,
      Marie

      • leonard said

        hi marie thanks for getting back to me yet again im going through a very bad time in my mind at the moment and im sure that you know how im feeling im feeling ok sometimes but very low at other times im keeping myself occupied as much as possible i make sure that i get up and go to work everyday and i go to the sauna and swimming after my work 3 times a week i dont drink or smoke and i live a preaty good lifestyle ive only just recently started to eat properly again as i just couldnt be botherd becausev of all this happening to me i know im a good person and i have good qualities and my hearts in the right place countless people have told me work colleauges and friends but it still dosent stop me from feeling worthless at the moment ive lost all my confidence and trust in people at the moment i never thought that the person who you loved truly could be so cruel cold shallow and wicked its hard accepting that ive been dumped and even harder accepting that she has said i can put our loss to rest on my own how could any human being do this im so angry marie not with you your emails have helped me and maybe one day we could meet and share our experiences about this terrible disorder that alot of people are not aware that we have been through.if i ever come to boston hopefully we could meet and if you ever come to the uk likewise.thanks for replying to all my emails you have been a great help and given me more of an insight into this terrible conditon. hugs to you to. len.

  5. Once Bitten said

    Can a woman with HPD enjoy sex if they have as seems likely suffered sexual abuse in their past? Does the wanted lover become the abuser in their mind when the partner is split black over the same acts that were mutually enjoyed at the time and after being split black the HPD scrolls back through her recollections of their sex life and now it is seen as abuse and the accusations begin?

    Also can it be that an HPD relates an event that causes them pain caused by a third party and on the back of that they suddenly obtain the fuel to similarly accuse YOU of the same thing even though it doesn’t compare in severity to what they just described?

    But they don’t tell the real abuser, it’s enough to use you as an Aunt Sally or whipping boy so forever after you get the blame for something someone else did?

    I guess it’s called trying to explain the unexplainable! When a rational mind meets a disordered HPD mind there’s only one outcome and its tragic.

    • savorydish said

      In my experience, HPs enjoy sex much more than the average person. It simulates intimacy. But things do get hairy if they have a history of sexual abuse. Horrific memories are triggered. People are thrown under the bus. People whose only mistake was not knowing what they were getting into.

      • Mark said

        In the case of my ex, her interest in sex seemed to wane after her initial idealization phase. She had mentioned that she had been sexually abused as a child and would not really say any more about it. She also recently had some abnormal cervical cells removed and she said that those cells may have been caused by sex with someone who has had multiple partners(implying me).
        She had no reason at all to think that about me. I still have no idea where that came from. But that discussion was part of the impetus for our end. I really disagreed with the implication and I pointed out her flirtations and she summarily dumped me.

      • savorydish said

        She dumped you because she knew what you were saying was the truth. But rather than accepting that truth, she dumped you instead. This is how a screwed-up person stays in denial.

      • Mark said

        She stated that my bringing up the past meant that I was “incapable of forgiving.” I now realize that her various characterizations of me were just an on-going campaign of devaluation that she eventually had me apologizing for. She was apparently much smarter than me. I still doubt myself in all of this.

  6. Marie said

    Oh, dear Mark,
    My ex projected onto myself, his kids, his parents, anyone who crossed him or had an opposite opinion. My mother and father also would blame others, this is what BPD’s do. Don’t forget they are HIGHLY intelligent, so intelligent that they can be very high functioning and are very skilled at hiding the other person inside. Many are actually therapists. When a BPD goes to a therapist the THERAPIST dealing with them has to go into therapy to keep their feet on the ground realizing what reality is because BPD’s are that good at twisting the truth around.
    My ex told me he had a monster inside but that it was only an anger management issue. Listen to the song by Taylor Swift “We are never, ever getting back together” especially the line “I’m really gonna miss you picking fights. And me, falling for it screaming that I’m right”. No matter how many times I told myself “he’s sick” when he was blowing up at me or just making very snide comments (with innocent information I gave him not knowing it would be a knife in my back at a later date) there were times he said just the right thing or it was my time of the month and I would also start yelling to defend myself (or I was just plain scared). Then he would smile and tell me I had the EXACT same problem he did. For example once he starting yelling and calling me the “B” word over and over again and finally after remaining calm I told him to stop. He wouldn’t and got even more upset telling me not to boss him around so I started yelling “stop swearing at me” every time he said it and he reached over and pulled my hair. When it was all over instead of apologizing he told me I had anger issues and we both needed to go to therapy.
    You may need therapy to help you deal with what you’ve been through but we all have been there wondering “am I really what he/she says?”. My BPD parents had me twondering if I was mentally retarded when I was in 9th grade…both 2 different kinds of BPD’s.
    Hang in there!
    Hugs,
    Marie

  7. Marie said

    Len,
    I’m so glad these emails are helping you. Yes, anger is part of it, you will go through these same feelings over and over again (despair, anger, rage, grief, agony, shame and the list goes on). She is shallow and only cares about her own happiness. She may be mourning the loss you share but will never tell you or anyone she knows. She’s probably crying on the new guy’s shoulder playing the victim if she’s crying about it at all.
    Keep working, exercising, keep up the NO drinking/smoking/drugs (all are bad for you), keep eating properly and keep talking with people who are truly there for you. Make sure to appreciate the good things and people you already have in your life right now.
    Everything happens for a reason. I met my monster (as he labeled himself) and it actually helped me to resolve childhood issues. The downside was that I had to keep getting hoovered back to figure it all out and go through the hurt, pain and anger all over again except for the last few times. The other downside is that I never know when he’ll show up at my house again (because eventually he will) and then I have to send him away all over again. I try to focus on all the positive things in my life including my pets. The upside is that I made a positive influence on the lives of his children and parents who are all wonderful people. I pray for them and hope they are well since they are still in contact with him and have to deal with his issues.
    Every day you should do something to totally take your mind off of your feelings. Read a good book or watch a good movie. From a young age I always enjoyed suspense/terror novels and movies not because I like violence, far from it since I saw it every day in person in my house, but because it totally takes over my every thought. Stephen King’s work can have me scared one minute, laughing the next and then totally grossed out but the main thing is that I’m totally immersed in what I’m reading or watching. I concentrate so hard that if the phone rings unexpectedly I jump a mile. Just don’t start with his book “Misery” that will hit too close to home here. Another good novelist over here is Dan Brown…and I have spent many hours with Daphne Du Maurier.
    Also, there are people telling you what your good qualities are. LISTEN to them and what’s more, every day look yourself in the eye in the bathroom mirror and tell YOURSELF what those good qualities are. You can’t let this destroy you. Someone out there is waiting to be swept off her feet someday by you and you need to be ready for her when she comes along. For now though, work on you. Remember, you know what to look for the next time and if you see any BPD characteristics in the beginning RUN LIKE HELL! :o)
    Thanks for the hugs and right back at you!
    Marie

    • leonard said

      hi marie thanks for getting back to me again the latest develepmets have been her boyfriend phoneing me on a private number threatining me all because her aunt has said that i am going to plant a rose bush and to be honest i told her aunt that i was seeing someone else i know i shouldnt have said that but i did i wasnt thinking clearly and i was hurting so i said it and it has obviously had an impcact hit a nerve its obviously pissed her off and to be honest i hope she feels how i feel i know it wasnt very adult like and inmature to do so but its happend.anyhow all contact is over and it was on my behalf anyway i dont even have contact with her aunt now either my mind is trained and a line is drawn under this episode in my life and im moveing forward and will continue like you say to maintain the way i think i know im a good person and a better one to and i refuse to be put down and wont be because i havent done nothing wrong she tried to basicly brainwash me thats how it feals and she nearly succeded i was lucky to get out when i did i was just another one of her victims still we learn by our mistakes and i certainly have but am the one whos come out the worse from this ordeal i thank you so much for being there for me and always replying back to me you have been a life line to me thank you . take care marie. len

      • Marie said

        Len,
        They will never feel the same emotions we do unless they get help. These are not the type of person you want to make jealous…watch the movie Fatal Attraction. My ex was jealous when I got a new kitten because the kitten got to sleep with me every night. This is not logical behavior or emotion.
        Take care and stay strong!
        Hugs,
        Marie

      • savorydish said

        True, one borderline I knew was jealous of the attention I gave my dog.

      • leonard said

        thanks marie i know i shouldnt have said that her boyfriend was screaming at me down the phone any other guy would have been happy if another man said that he was with another women anyway theres no contact from any one now and i dont even speak with the aunt i think they have got to her and told a load of lies like someone said on here these people are very clever manipulateive shallow selfish etc they got no feelings for someone else and follow a pattern of behaviour the victim ie the non bpd will be seduced idealized devalued and then hated its only a matter of time for anyone involved in these relationships.my advice to anyone is stay far away and steer clear. thanks marie for all your support take care. len

  8. Marie said

    Love this…found it today and boy, does it do a good job describing everything. Hope it helps someone.
    Hugs, Marie
    “To the Borderline, love walks between the blades of an emotionally double-edged razor, which swings and slices between emotion-soaked heavens and hells. “Love,” to the Borderline male, often ends in the cemetery. Almost half of all batterers and stalkers are Borderline.

    If someone with a Borderline Personality Disorder attempts to draw you into a relationship, there is a very simple, concrete way to know it. Pay attention to your stomach. Even though he may initially seem sweet, attentive and empathic, you will likely perceive a subtle tightening in the pit of your abdomen, like a small rock you’ve suddenly noticed in your shoe-barely noticeable, but there.

    Listen to that rock, because it is the voice of instinct, and it’s trying to tell you something. Listen to your fear and start scanning for an incoming missile. The Borderline is often a tough target to initially confirm, but close attention to his attitudes and behaviors and an emotional position of calm neutrality can help you confirm his threat-potential. And if Borderline is confirmed, get out of there before it’s too late.

    But if too late has happened, and you are already involved with a Borderline Controller, you have experienced far more than the pinch of a small stone in your gut. You’ve been engulfed in an insane, hyper-emotional ride where spewing sheets of scalding lava alternate with warm, soothing baths of emotional saccharine. Life itself will have become a series of whipsawing emotional extremes, between his clinging adoration and hateful spite. The hallmark of this pattern is that “just when things seem to be going well,” and he is treating you best, he suddenly turns into a perverse version of Air Jordan and you’re the ball. Slam-dunked would be a mild way of describing the receiving end of this intensely emotional pounding.

    He was just treating you like a goddess. He was being so sweet and attentive. Maybe he was even telling you how wonderful you are. Then, in the sudden twinkling of a diabolical eye, he’s treating you like you’ve become a “bitch-on-wheels.” And you don’t know why.”

    • len said

      Hi marie the last email was excellently worded im doing ok still have my moments and get angry frustrated and get that horrible gut feeling at times theres no contact and there will be no contact my heads strong and getting stronger by the day and im riseing above it and keeping my chin high i will get through im waiting on a date for the planting of the rose bush for our loss i will be attending the service on my own i dont have any contact with het aunt no more she dosent contact me im preaty sure that they have got to her and poisoned her mind i feel numb over the loss of our baby and can not beleive someone could be so cold and heartless this has hurt me the most thanks for your support and teplying to me take care marie. Len

      • Marie said

        Len,
        Keep up the good work on no contact. Forget about what the aunt thinks about you, it doesn’t matter. The people that really matter know exactly who you are. Be grateful that she has someone else to focus on now and that it’s not you. Let me know when you are planting the rose bush. Remember that they don’t feel things the way we do because their disorder won’t let them. Also remember they are drowning in shame and regret all the time even when they seem to be fine. Deep down they are extremely unhappy and extremely afraid of being abandoned…they live in their own personal hell every day. I wouldn’t wish that on anyone.
        Hugs,
        Marie

      • len said

        Yeah thanks marie its been so hard for me up to now and will be for a very long time to come but i will continue to keep my chin up like you day and have no contact and keep away you replying to my emails has helped me big time i will let you know about the rose bush as soon as i know you realy have helped me to get through this bad time in my life and i appreciate it thank you. Take care. Len.

  9. Marie said

    Len,
    That’s the way, stay strong. I’m glad the emails help. This is the best description I have found about how one person with BPD feels. Caution: don’t let it feel guilty and contact her. This is just to show you the personal hell they deal with every day and why they desperately need medication and therapy. Remember that love is based on mutual RESPECT, love and trust. Also, if you have to live in fear of being beaten up, verbally/emotionally abused or worse when you are with someone, it’s not worth being together.
    Hugs,
    Marie
    “You wanted to know the worst about me, the things I told no one and hid below the surface. How do I explain it? How do I explain who I am when I am not even sure of it myself? How do I put into words the worst parts of me that I have run from for so long? I will tell you my secrets, I will tell you everything. Maybe it will help me. Maybe you will hate me for it or maybe you will understand. I don’t know, but I am sick of running. So here it is, I will give you what you want.

    I hate you. That is not true, but sometimes I think it is. I will not answer the phone when you call, even though I want to talk to you. I will not call you, even though it is all I want to do. I will not reach out to you, even though every part of me wants to. I will be mad at you, I will want to hurt you, I will drive you away because I am afraid to let you closer. I need your constant attention, your reassurances, but I will greet them with cold indifference. I will be jealous of the attention you give others, and I will get mad at you for ignoring me. I will feel close to you and care for you one day, only to be mad and want you out of my life the next.

    I am an emotional amnesiac, maybe I always have been. I take each event, each day, each conversation as a seperate event, always looking for signs that you might hurt me. When I feel neglected, I will get mad and forget that the day before you told me how much you cared. I am an inconsistent mess. There is a part of me who is happy and confident and another part that is insecure and needy. These days, I never know which one it will be. Every time I think I am in control, that I know you care and I feel comfortable with our relationship, the fear and doubt will come back. Maybe with time it will go away completely, but doubt it. All it will take is another close relationship, another new friend, another day and it will be back.

    You ask what you can do and I do not know what to say. The needy part of me wants your constant attention, it needs your words and thoughts, your presence. But I know that is not the answer, I must accept the limitations on our relationship. The scared part of me wants you out of my life because it would be easier. The hateful part of me wants to hurt you because it thinks you have hurt me. All I can ask you to do is to understand, to not give up. I will ignore you at times, I may be rude to you, I may try to hurt you. I may hide from you and wait for you to reach out to me, so I know you will care. It is not fair to do these things, but I will. I cannot ask you to put up with this, it is not fair and no matter how I act, I care too much to put you through this. But you asked, and this is all I have to tell you.

    I do not like this. I do not like that I am needy and clinging. I do not like that I hurt people. I do not like that I am rude and sarcastic to those around me. I do not like this part of myself. For years, I have ignored this and pretended it was me, but I have realized that is wrong. This is not me, it is a false identity created to protect me from the world. This was not an easy realization, and perhaps I haven’t fully accepted it yet. But I have found my path, I have realized I can change and I can accept this side of me and keep it from becoming who I am. It will not be easy and it will not be quick, but I have faith that I can do it. Perhaps one day I will see me as the person you see behind my defenses, and perhaps one day I will let others see that person as well.

    This is for you, but you are many people. You are the people close to me now. You are the people I want to be close to even though I have kept you away. You are the friends I have pushed away in the past, the friends I never forgave and never let back in my life, the friends I never had the chance to tell this to. You are the people I will meet in the future, the people I will care about until once again I push them out of my life. You are the part of me that is still trying to understand who I am. You are all of these people and many more.”

    • Lenny Presley said

      hi marie i have spoken today to the person who is going to be doing the service for me and the planting of the rose bush regarding the loss of our baby he is a franciscan monk and a good person i have known him for twenty years he told me that my ex was on the phone to him last week and that she was very angry infact he said the whole conversation was about her being angry and she said that she didnt want nothing to do with it meaning obviously the planting of the rose bush and the loss of our child.she has hurt me once again how could a human being be so cruel im feeling low and down again no one in my lifetime has made me feel so bad but i wont allow her to make me feel bad and i will still go ahead and have the service and plant the rose bush i will do it on my own she is obviously going out her way to do everything in her power and get people to despise me do you think she will eventualy stop this behaviour? i know she wants reaction but she aint going to get it. take care hope your ok len.

      ________________________________

      • Marie said

        Hi, Len,
        I’m sorry I didn’t see this until today. Did she call your friend or did he call her about the ceremony? Does the monk despise you now?! We already knew she wasn’t going to go to the ceremony. She is hurt and lashing out knowing how you will react. This is why it’s better to have no contact even with people who know her so she can’t keep track of what you are doing. She will leave you alone eventually especially if she’s not getting a reaction and not hearing about a reaction from you.
        You must be strong and realize that this ceremony is between you and the baby. She never has wanted anything to do with it and that will not change no matter who talks to her. She is NOT able to think logically or sympathize with you. Let her go forever now and move on with your life. DO NOT expect her to surprise you and show up to support you. In fact, she shouldn’t even know when the ceremony will be. You really don’t need a confrontation with her while you are mourning the loss of your child. Whatever good you loved about her is gone now.
        Keep your chin up and keep positive and supportive people around you now!
        Hugs,
        Marie

      • leonard said

        hi marie yes she my ex had phoned up the monk he told me it was all anger comeing out of her mouth and that the conversation was going nowhere he wasnt angry with me about anything and even said that i did my best regarding our relationship. i am still going ahead with the ceremony on my own and still maintaining no contact and wii do its been difficult to do so but i realise its for the best i also realise that im a good person and deserve better than to be manipulated bullied abused pushed pulled etc i feel so much anger at times i feel like getting revenge at times but i know that revenge is not the answer i know that no contact is the best thing for me to do im getting through each day some days are harder than others but im getting there thanks to you and the support around me. thank you marie take care len.

  10. Marie said

    Len,
    That’s the way! Revenge is never a good idea (again watch the movie Fatal Attraction) as they can be very dangerous. I remember when my ex husband and I would argue and he would call me a “b” I would throw the word back at him without hesitating (he’s 6’5′ and I’m 5’2″). I was never afraid of him. But when my ex with BPD would get mad I never threw any words back at him because it would only set him off more. He was allowed to swear but if I swore those were trigger words. Hey, I’m not big on swearing but sometimes when someone hits you with a low blow even I can lose my temper. My ex with BPD is a tad shorter than I am but when he got mad I did get scared and with good reason. I never hold grudges (my ex husband and I are friends from afar) but believe me that my ex with BPD is the KING of grudges. His own daughter warned me about that and about how he lies.
    Stay away and keep up the good work!
    Hugs,
    Marie

    • leonard said

      hi marie its nice that you always reply to me like i say every day is hard for me but its getting better sowly somtimesi feel so low and then other times i feel ok i keep going over the same things over and over in my head and keep asking myself why? as time goes by i know things will keep getting better as time is a great healer but it still dosent change what me you and anyone else who has been in a relationship with someone with bpd has gone and been through.i will continue to maintain no contact and keep my chin up thank you for being here for me and for all your help and support you have realy helped me in seeing things in a different way. take care marie god bless. len.

      • Marie said

        Len,
        Glad to help. Don’t ask why because there are no answers to your questions. Just feel good that you tried your best and now you need to rest. After a while find someone who deserves you. Stay away from the emotional black holes who suck you dry and then leave you for someone new.
        Hugs,
        Marie

      • Marie said

        Len,
        I found a good mini conversation between a non (me) and his therapist (him). It may help you.
        Hugs,
        Marie

        “–Me: “I miss her.”
        Him: “You miss a part of her, but you’ve got to understand that the part you miss was completely fabricated and NOT the whole her.”

        –Me: “I’m depressed as hell.”
        Him: “You can be sad, mourning the loss of something that was special to you is normal, but you cannot take any of her behaviors personally because it’s not personal. It’s her self-defense mechanisms at work.”

        –Me: “She’s moved on and seems so happy.”
        Him: “She’s just getting the wood-chipper ready for the next guy–she’s done with you and ready for her next victim.”

      • leonard said

        thanks marie i know thats a true statement and things are getting alot easier thank you for all your support you been a great help .len.xx

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