Recently, a survivor of sexual abuse reached out to me:

I stumbled across this because I was looking for answers.  I am worried that I might have BPD but thats not the worst part, the worst part is that I might be tearing apart my little family and pushing away the love of my life.

A little over 3 weeks ago, I was going through an emotional roller-coaster being a new young mom, and I was bumping heads with my mom a lot. I was thinking a lot about my old childhood and how she could have done things differently. Not only do I have memories of her holding me, crying, and tell me that there is no good people in the world, she was my abuser. Up until I was 16 I was afraid to sleep in the dark, so I slept with her. And when she would abuse me, I couldn’t move, or speak, I pretended to sleep.I told my best friend that I was sexually abused as a child, and she told me that it wasn’t my fault, and that I am the way I am because of what happened to me. She told me that it was wrong. I didn’t know it was wrong until I told somebody.

When the people that are supposed to nurture you and protect you break that bond, you will have major trust issues. You will have a lot of anger and rage.

Before I told my boyfriend about the abuse, I told him that his love for me will really be put to the test. (He surpassed the hormonal pregnancy 🙂 After I told him what had happened, I opened up a resourceful webpage that shows the long term effects of child sex abuse in adults. He loved me anyway, but I felt relieved. I was relieved to know I wasn’t the problem. There is a reason why I hated myself so much, had low self esteem and battled depression.

And when the healing began, I told him that things might get worse before they get better, but to NEVER FORGET that you and our baby is the only good things in my life, the best things in my life. But I have to do this for me, and I will understand if you leave, but I hope that you stay.

Of course as I started to face the reality of it all, and healing began I became a nasty, angry, and depressed. We are going through moving out of my mothers home and we are both really stressed out. I told him he should just leave. And that he was crazy for sticking around. I called him all sorts of nasty names and really mistreated him.

And this is where posting here comes in to play: If your BPD girlfriend/wife is anything like me, she probably feels horrible for the way shes been treating you. But it is much easier to just tell you to leave, and go away because that is what we expect. We didn’t get that unconditional love growing up.

And yes, my boyfriend is my hero. And I am a damsel in distress and I do truly love my boyfriend. I fell for the guy who makes me laugh so hard, Understands me so well and really challenges my intellect. BPD woman are really smart, maybe not all book smart (i hate math) but we are smart enough to survive what happened to us, keep moving, and living day by day. And these are all NORMAL attractive qualities one looks for in a partner. And every girl with or without BPD wants a man who will love them for exactly who they are.

What I am trying to say is, I don’t think it’s fair to say that we are using the past trauma as an excuse to be cruel. But it is what we know, and have always known. And I don’t think that because we depend on you, yell at you, and make you feel like shit… that it means we don’t love you. Because we do. I am head over heels. But I just can’t understand why you’d love me, but this is all from the child sex abuse. There are a lot of  self-hate thoughts within women with BPD. Its not about you or my boyfriend at all. But you guys are responsible for allowing us to feel so comfortable around you and for loving us so much. It does allow us to act out. And I am so sorry for the pain that I’ve caused, and the mean things I’ve said.

It definitely takes a strong man with patience, kindness and a great amount of loyalty to with stand your girlfriend with BPD.

I just hope that my boyfriend doesn’t forget the girl he fell in love with. I can’t help him remember right now, because I can hardly remember what we were like. This healing has taken up all of me. But I’m doing it for all of us, for our baby, for him. So that the future will bring true happiness.

I don’t really know where I am going with all of this. I guess I just want to speak on behalf of the survivors, but keep in mind, I only landed here because I was worried about my boyfriend and this is effecting him.

I stuck a note on the mirror before I fell asleep so that he’d see it when he was getting up and ready for work:
Baby, I’m so sorry for the way I’ve been treating you, I would understand if you leave, but I hope you stay.

Faithfully yours,

P.s. you are amazing

If your girlfriend is anything like me, she’d really like PINK. This is exactly what I am talking about, lyrically.

Good luck to you guys, and remember she needs you.

I’m always touched when survivor reach out to me, so I wrote back:

Hi K,

Sorry, it took so long to get back to you. Work has been busy and I maintain this blog on my free time.

I’m also terribly sorry what happened to you when you were young. Nobody should have to go through that.

I thank you for being so candid and sympathetic to partners of survivors. It really means a lot when survivors reach out and offer insight.

You’re very right- it is unfair to say that survivors use their past trauma as an excuse to be cruel. And I’m sorry if I gave anyone the impression that survivors are looking for excuse to be cruel. Perhaps, I need to be more clear. Because I can see how someone might misinterpret what I’m saying.

Everyone needs to understand that this is what partners of survivors hear, every time a survivor inadvertently lashes out at us. As you noted, survivors can be cruel (very cruel) and they do often use their past trauma as an excuse.

As far as excuses go, childhood sexual abuse is one that is hard to ignore. But understand that does not make cruel behavior any less cruel. It doesn’t make abusive behavior any less abusive. In the end, there is no excuse for abuse. Abuse is abuse. All abusers were victims of abuse at one time. That is the cycle of abuse. This is how abusive behavior is passed from one generation to the next.

That being said, please don’t ever think that I am unsympathetic to your condition. I would not have ended up in multiple relationships with survivors had I not been terribly patient, compassionate and sympathetic (maybe to a fault). So if you are wondering why I have so much hate in my heart, then maybe you need to consider how many times I have had a survivor break my heart.

Ultimately, they (the survivors) cut me out of their lives. Not the other way around. I was more than willing to make it work. THEY gave up. So your fear that your boyfriend will leave you is irrational. He must love you a lot for him to put up with all the things partners of survivors put up with. Honestly, we shouldn’t have to put up with it, but we do.

Once again, I thank you for reaching out to me. I really do appreciate it when a survivor makes the effort to own up to her condition, her past and her abusive behavior. But posters like you are the exception to the rule. For every survivor that has reached out to me, a hundred more have lashed out at me for telling the truth. So thank you for confirming that truth. That makes you a better person. And allows me to believe that there is hope for you and people like you.

Sadly, my most recent borderline ex did not have the decency to own up to her abusive behavior. Unlike you, she did not have the decency to write to me after our break up and own up to all the shitty things she did to me. In fact, she and her shitty family did all they could to cover up her abusive behavior. They didn’t even have the decency to acknowledge how much I had done for their troubled loved one. Instead, they treated me like I was the problem. But that’s what makes them assholes. And now, she has pulled yet another unsuspecting victim into her life.

She probably does regret the way she treated me, but she hasn’t been decent enough to tell me so. Unlike you, she is in deep denial. She is living a lie in La La Land. She has added insult to injury. As you might expect, I am less sympathetic to her because of all this.

But thanks to you, I have a better understanding of survivors. Or rather, I remember what it was like when I was more sympathetic to survivors. But it does not mean I condone abuse. Abuse is abuse. Being abused as a child is not a proper excuse for passing on that abuse as an adult. At some point, we need to put an end to this cycle. It starts with victims getting the help they need, but it also starts with survivors recognizing the harm they pass onto loved ones.

I wish you and your partner the best of luck. You are very lucky to have found someone who will stay by your side. There are very few of us out there. Always remember that when you find a reason to get mad at him or you feel the urge to leave him before he leaves you. You owe it to him and yourself to get better and put an end to the cycle of abuse. Best of luck, SD.

ps I posted that Pink video before. And despite being overly dramatic, it’s a very good depiction of what partners of survivors go through. At least, psychologically and emotionally.

Please Don’t Leave Me

Now and then I think of when we were together
Like when you said you felt so happy you could die
I told myself that you were right for me
But felt so lonely in your company
But that was love and it’s an ache I still remember

You can get addicted to a certain kinda sadness
Like resignation to the end, always the end
So when we found that we could not make sense
Well you said that we would still be friends
But I’ll admit that I was glad that it was over

But you didn’t have to cut me off
Make it like it never happened and that we were nothing
I don’t even need your love, but you treat me like a stranger
And that feels so rough

No, you didn’t have to stoop so low
Have your friends collect your records
And then change your number
Guess that I don’t need that though
Now you’re just somebody that I used to know

Now and then I think of all the times you screwed me over
But had me believin it was always something that I’d done - Today I found a penny, it reminded me of you. Worthless and found in everyone's pants.

I love the show. I hate the women.

These are the women who give other women a bad name. These are women who shit in your heart. These are women who bear a striking resemblance to borderline personalities. Though, on a scale of 1 to 10 (11 being my batshit-crazy ex), these women are probably a 3.

They don’t display the overt effects of trauma caused by years and years of abuse. They’re not shouting “rape” wherever they go. They’re not cutting themselves and then crying themselves to sleep. They seem normal. They don’t look like trouble, but that’s exactly why they are trouble. Girls is a show about high-functioning disordered women.

Make no mistake, these women are seriously fucked up. In one season, I have seen a wide-range BPD behavior. Take the main character. This is a woman who has so little self-esteem, she settles for the douchiest hipster in Brooklyn. Like so many borderline women, she wants the emotionally unavailable A-hole because that is how little she thinks of herself.

He keeps “treating her heart like monkey meat” and she keeps coming back for more. This is a woman who engages in self-destructive acts and then complains to everyone how her life is miserable (professional victim). If it weren’t so funny, it would be obnoxious and draining.

Then there’s the smart and pretty one. The one who looks perfect on the outside, but sabotages a perfect relationship with a guy because he’s too nice. She feels suffocated by his niceness. When her boyfriend finds out how unhappy she is, he breaks up with her.

But she’s so fucked up, she begs and pleads to have him come back. But right when he agrees to come back, she freaks out and ends the relationship herself. Does anybody recognize the Push-Pull game? Or the need to be the one who abandons the relationship before she is abandoned? This is the MO of a fucked-up woman.

Women like this don’t give you black eyes, they just shit in your heart and then go running back into the pants of the nearest douchebag. They mess with your head. They tug on your heart strings. If you treat them like a princess, they will thank you by treating you like shit.

They beg for your attention. But when you give it to them, they accuse you of suffocating them. They only want you when you are unavailable.  In short, they are fucked up beyond belief.

Then there’s the flaky one, the world traveler with a British accent. We are suppose to marvel at her worldliness, but she is probably the most obnoxious of the bunch. Everything about her is overtly pretentious and contrived. Her big hats and absurd antics are all designed to get attention. This one loves head games. On the Cluster B spectrum, this one leans more towards a Histrionic Personality.

In one season, we’ve seen her lure an ex-boyfriend (who just happened to be in a committed relationship) for sex just so she could claim victory. We’ve seen her flirt with a married man and then act like he’s the asshole when he takes the bait. (spoiler alert) And then in the season finale, we find out that she decided to get married on a whim. Does this impulsive/narcissistic behavior sound familiar? If you’ve been reading this blog, it should.

The show presents these young women as the women of their generation. And I certainly credit the creator, Lena Dunham, for capturing these characters with such painfully accurate details. But if these women represent all the women out there, our society is in big trouble. Fortunately, they don’t represent all women. They represent the 2% ers that I have told you so much about.

The show is appropriately titled Girls, because these young women refuse to grow up (arrested development). Like children, they can be manipulative but they are also terribly selfish (me, me, me). Chaos follows them where they go and they never seem to learn their life lessons. Intelligent girls who are clueless in life.

Let’s face it- disordered people make for good TV. On the small screen, it’s all very entertaining. But, in real life, it can be terribly draining and painful. Like the Jersey Shore cast, the women of Girls are a train wreck waiting to happen. And we just can’t stop watching.

Misogynistic but Funny

July 9, 2012

It’s funny because it’s true.  Louis CK clearly has a history with fucked up women. Wonderfully insightful, but I feel I need to qualify that statement. While it’s funny to say all women are fucked up, the truth is we are talking about a small percentage of women. This relatively small population of women are giving the rest of the population of women a bad name.

Roughly 2% of women suffer from BPD, and 15% lie somewhere on the Cluster B spectrum. But these are rough estimates. From my vantage point, these estimates seem low. How do you take an accurate census of people who are so good at hiding their dysfunction? You can’t. Even therapists miss the signs. BPs are often misdiagnosed with depression or bipolar.

I love women and I hold onto the hope that I will someday meet someone who does not fit in this category of fucked up women. But like Louis, I have had a long history with women who shat in my heart. So while this stand-up bit smacks of misogyny, I feel I have earned my right to laugh out loud.