Too Close to Love You

April 30, 2012

I read the lyrics below and it instantly felt familiar:

You know I’m not one to break promises

I don’t want to hurt you but I need to breathe

At the end of it all, you’re still my best friend

But there’s something inside that I need to release

Which way is right, which way is wrong

How do I say that I need to move on

You know we’re headed separate ways

And it feels like I am just too close to love you

There’s nothing I can really sayI can’t lie no more, I can’t hide no more

Got to be true to myself

And it feels like I am just too close to love you

So I’ll be on my way

You gave me more that I can return

Yet there’s so much that you deserve

Nothing to say, nothing to do,I’ve nothing to give

I must leave without you

You know we’re headed separate ways

And it feels like I am just too close to love you

There’s nothing I can really say

I can’t lie no more, I can’t hide no more

This is exactly how a borderline breaks it off with you when the fear of intimacy kicks in. “I am just too close to love you.” What a completely idiotic thing to say. How can you be too close to love someone? But to a dysfunctional borderline, this makes total sense.  Being too close means fear of abandonment, fear of rejection. Better they dump you before you dump them.
The words in these lyrics are well-chosen to break it easy to you, to make it seem like a gentle letdown. But I can assure you these are more lies. The person telling you these words has most likely cheated on you already or is planning to. They have already fought off their “flight” instincts for as long as they could. Borderlines do indeed break promises. And you have been taken for a ride.
Don’t have any illusions that you will stay friends. That is just the borderline saying nice things so they don’t come off as a total asshole. You were never friends to begin with. They were just using you to fill the Void. You will not realize that until you witness how easily they discard you. You will be shocked by how cold they’ve become.
These kind words are just for show. They were chosen to make the borderline feel better, not you. Don’t let these words fool you. The borderline in flight has no concern for your well-being. If you stand in the way of the exit, they will tell you to “move the fuck on”. This is the real borderline. The real person behind the well-chosen words.
Watch the video. Notice how they chose two combatants to represent two opposing lovers. Fight or flight. A borderline has been reduced to these two primitive instincts when confronted with love. Intimacy is a thing to fear. Being too close is a turn off. It suffocates them. They will tell you so.
The untreated borderline can only simulate love. Being close triggers their “push” response. They are too close to love you. This is what it means when a borderline has to be true to himself/herself.
You should know the author of these lyrics, Alex Clare, dated Amy Winehouse. Judging from the lyrics, he runs in dysfunctional circles.

36 Responses to “Too Close to Love You”

  1. Sinn said

    I’ll be very short this time…brilliant post. Exactly how my ex-fiancee broke it off with me. Paraphrased, but it was the gist. I deserved better, even as a week earlier, we’d been planning our future and laughing and trying to get through a minor problem magnified by the borderline’s decreasing communication skills, and isolation/immersion in Lebanese culture. “She’s now the true lover of the Lebanese, even emphasized on a dating profile I found on her. She claimed the online stuff was wrong, b/c it was with strangers, just another way to make me a badguy/creep 2 years after the fact. I just call it a tribute to trying to recreate us, but it still hurts that she’s that stupid to see the damage she’s caused, and how it’s so easy to still fix if she’d stop running from her mistake/fears/whatever.

    She did hint at me in recent photos on FB, that she has been reading some of my recent emails as I am trying the stock game and learning it…telling her of my exploits to try to show that the magnified problem of money for two college students was getting fixed maybe permanently “a gurl needs a lot, the girl needs some stock”. She’s British so don’t know if there’s any sexual connotations to that, but it looks like she’s single. Yes, I do occasionally look and message her. If anyone can tell me what this means to a BDP, let me know. Elaborate tease…sorry SD for looking like a loser, but I warned you I still loved her…just want to make it right. Just want to know if this can be beaten..I’m so close to pulling off a major buyout trade. Hopefully I get her into DBT therapy as stip for prenup so we’d give it our best chance.

    • savorydish said

      Thanks Sinn. All I can tell you is to be careful. DBT is not a magic pill. From what I’ve read, it is still going to be a rollercoaster ride. But she must be the one who decides to change. You can’t force a borderline to change. Good luck.

  2. Sinn said

    Bear in mind she hasn’t contacted me in any way in nearly a year and half…with the other half making 2 years fighting over cheating and the lost snubbed very expensive trip. Does the ice ever melt, if you never had sex or touch, but just a deep emotional connection with them? Or can some loser erase everything, and then, hopefully not, many losers after that? Advice, hopefully not any/much flaming/condescension/emasculation welcome. Thanks everyone.

    • savorydish said

      Sinn, with all due respect, you are putting all your eggs into a broken basket. Work on making yourself happy, and then find someone truly worthy of your love. That emotional connection was an illusion. So it makes no sense to wait for it to come back. It’s like discovering that the lake in the middle of the desert is just a mirage, and then hoping it goes back to being a lake. Be well, my friend.

  3. Sammy said

    @ SavoryDish …I think on July 9th 2011 , when my BPD ex was all packed up and ready to leave…she called me on my cell and asked was I coming by to see her …, But she made it a point to let me know that she din’t have much time for me that day….Now think …..We were as far as I knew still a couple …..We never sat down or even talked on the phone and broke up …….So I told her to fuck it and no I wasn’t coming by which I am glad I did…., cause she wanted to see the hurt and pain she had caused , A week or so after that , She totally split me black …and told me I was the first man that she ever hated…….I went from being the only man she ever really loved to the only man she ever hated in a matter of weeks…..WOW GUYS….imagine that!

    • savorydish said

      No need to imagine that because I went through the same exact thing. My borderline exes were obsessed with me, calling me night and day. But as soon as they split me black, I was expected to act like nothing ever happened. Suddenly, I was the one who was obsessive. You’re the crazy one, not them. Total mind fuck. That is the borderline’s speciality.

      • Sinn said

        Unfortunately, same here. Guess I was actually right about it all, and she is a borderline. She does claim in her profile that she feels jealousy is healthy in a relationship, lol, it was a new profile. There was a lot of oversharing as well, like how much sex she’s have once intimate, how many times she masturbates per week, and she considers herself more sexually driven than most women. Although she says it would take 3-5 dates to get her to that point (this was a questionnaire/matching thing), there were things that scared me a bit…esp the change btw believing in true love from the way we first met. I’m so damned stupid, but what the hell do you do with the strongest connection you’ve ever had with a person turning into the worst piece of gangrene on your soul when painted black, w/not even near the equity back on that time/love investment and this person hates you but can easily enjoy other men seemingly?

      • savorydish said

        The only thing you can do is cut your losses. Learn from your own mistakes. See the borderline for who she really is. See that connection for what it was- an addiction. You were addicted to one of the world’s strongest drugs. That is a scientific fact. A borderline’s love is artificial but potent nevertheless. You have to break the addiction to get better.

  4. Sammy said

    Hey @SavoryDish ….I wish I really knew you cause you would see the big grinn on my face based on your last post….No shit partner…it is a speciality of theirs

      • savorydish said

        The fucked up part is a borderline passes on their fear of intimacy and abandonment to you. Once bitten, twice shy. So after you’ve been bitten multiple times by rabid borderlines, you’re really screwed up. You will find it hard to trust anyone.

        But unlike my ex, I would never pull someone into a relationship if I knew I was not well. That’s the difference. The borderline knows they are messed up, yet they pull people into their vortex, one after the other. And we’re not talking casual dating. After weeks, they will have the UHaul parked outside.

        Just ask the guy who was dumb enough to marry my ex after months of dating. He’s screwed and doesn’t even know it.

    • John David said

      Spot on! Thanks guys, I am new on this site, and I have seen the light! This is all great info, and yes, it’s about seeing things for what they are, not for what we would like them to be. Getting over a BPD is like lancing a wart. It just has to be removed, done, fini, finito!

  5. savorydish said

    Ah yes, the allegations of stalking. Borderlines love that one as much as they love using allegations of rape. They’ll do anything to get attention. They’ll do anything to make themselves feel important. This blog exists so you can see those patterns for yourself.

  6. Sammy said

    @ savorydish ,,,,Thanks bud for being here, I came a long ways since I first got here.

  7. Sinn said

    Does anyone know how many sexual partners they end up having during their lifetimes on average, and can average per decade. There’s just too much negative stuff, which is probably valuable and correct, on here, and zero success stories. Someone has to have got one to “act right” lol, and saved the commitment/reestablished one. I know I could be on the wrong site, and this it no knock to SD who has been brilliant, but I need to know about the slut myth they seem to have more than anything, cause I feel that’s what invalidates any lasting connection they usually have, cause usually they’re beautiful, high-maintenance as fuck, and can get dick too easily, but can’t keep it b/c they broker themselves with the sex and spend to little on the emotional/character development, and if they’re not narcissists, they’re passive people pleasers to the Nth degree, which again, contributes to the easily swaying loyalties and lack of real emotional stay power. It’s my last question w/maybe a follow up comment for about a month, but it’s an important one, cause like SD says, I’m thinking about holding my nose and jumping back into it, just will less triggers, but I need to know the depth of some of this shit.. Thankfully for me, it’s multilayered, so it requires a lot of insight, but it’s finally being completely honest about where i stand and my own limitations with this stuff.

    • savorydish said

      Sinn, I’ve got to say that you seem lost in the fog of BPD. You are looking for answers here, but no answer I give you will be sufficient. Because you are looking for me to say that everything will be all right. This woman needs serious treatment. At least 7 years of it before she can make herself available to you. Focus on yourself and let her deal with her own issues. You can not help her.

    • Sinn said

      Granted but just answer about the average sexual partners myth thing. Before the age of 25, what would be anyone’s guess?

    • Sinn said

      And yeah, sorry to bring down the room, but damn, that song and how close, and how they tear you down with seemingly every weakness they can after they’ve stalked and made it seem normal to build you up sets you up for the worst fall, deepest fall, you can ever dream of in your worst nightmare. The way they flip a switch and just don’t give a fuck anymore..after going all out to make you believe they care more about you than anything you’d ever witnessed, while still seeming real and natural. It’s just not really worth living a lifetime worth of this shit if it’s gonna continue to feel and be like this, seriously. My life is now a constant competition.

      Yeah, I got fooled, yeah I was naive, and let my known boundaries fall…but it’s too late now. I’ma disappear and seek to get rich again, and fix everything I felt broke that funhouse mirror…cause I was taught by so many sources now that failures never an option for ME. I’ve seen scumbags beat up women and children, and get a million opportunities, my father one of them….I work and bust my ass and there and available emotionally NATURALLY, and get painted as a malcontent or too intelligent for my own good..and strengths that could continue to build and fuel and help everyone around me made into weaknesses and guilt trips….yeah, I’m choked out in the fog lol. Be like Castor Troy, lol, and just tell me to shut up or kill myself lmfao. Alright answer that last question, hopefully if you can, but I’ll give you lot peace regardless. I AM PROUD OF YOU ALL FOR PURGING THAT ADDICTION AND REGAINING YOUR OWN EQUITY YOURSELF FROM WHAT YOU LOST. I respect and love you all. I know it’s very hard to do so for me right now, but pray for me..I fell on many black days. I am so sorry SD, thank you for what you could do.

    • Sinn said

      All of them were great, but Jeffree kinda hit it right on the head. Alright, gonna be ghost and hang on that thread for awhile. It is hard for everyone to work on r/s, not for me,, I’m a resolution/open communication/communicator kind of dude, that’s empathetic. Prob the reason I end up around or with lying people. No one gives real credence and care for another’s strengths, esp if they’re gonna share it to further them as well. F–k it. Ghost time…you need a case of lag for all the beers u let my cry in today, thanks you and Sam and any other 25 cents that chime in after them. I’ll be looking, just hope one of you has just that…hope.

  8. Sinn said

    Me either Sam, and I’m glad to see you’ve regained much of your mojo. I’ve been getting popular again w/women, even w/o just the money level I want. I never really thought about hitting the bottle…just really hit the gym, and then the books. My main grind was I just didn’t have a supportive environment when I went through that…I understand it was definitely fueled by the particulars of the r/s and breakup. But a lot either looked at me either in a voyeuristic (what a stupid sad fuck) kinda way, used it to try some kind of behavioral modification thing on my whole being, constant arguments/disrespect, or exploitative attempts…since I was at points overcompensating with my generosity-niceness, simply b/c they were dragging me out, when I felt like complete shit, and PTSD. I never was able to get space to heal, although i know there are some that think that’s bad also. But save a couple nice exceptions, I had to absorb a lot of viper’s venom for that failure in judgment, which who knows, makes me more long for the days where I had someone I completely trusted/understood/felt…until it went black.

    • Sinn said

      Prob just need a nice 3 to 5 star hotel in Amsterdam and smoke the summer away if possible, while really stepping up my workout while high. Everything else is lining up perfectly for me, just feel like Frodo w/o the ring or something, lmfao. Who the f–k knows, I think since I never got any real support for the good I was b/f the shame…that part of me may be dead, that real self-soothing mechanism I used to have. Shit I used to like don’t appeal to me really anymore…it’s either getting ahead in life n body to get back what I lost, validation, or get something to make the one I lost regret it that’s a lot better. I’m now getting ulterior, which I never was.

  9. Sammy said

    @Sinn …I gotta tell ya I think you are better off listen to SavoryDish…Don’t fall back into that dude…More so not another one of them ……and ones who are Narcissist , and have been sexually taken advantage of by close family members , There is no way her Brain Breaks could ever work man,,,, Her shit derails every two or three months…..:)

  10. Sammy said

    @ SInn …As long as you can tell she is not BPS NPD or anything like that …..then I say let the good times roll, Do you my man …..See You and I and SavoryDish…..We have a advantage now we know what to look for…….USE it BRO……You actually have the upper hand now believe it or not…..:)

    • Sinn said

      Yeah, I can spot them pretty easily now, I’m afraid, even amongst my closer girlfriends. It’s way more than the 10 percent people keep saying it is, but maybe the BPD’s affect the normal women a bit..haven’t really went out on that ledge to test it. Could be any type of woman too, shy or glam..yeah, I can spot em,…but don’t wanna talk to em anymore, and that’s all they seem to want to do, until they don’t.

      • savorydish said

        They actually say it’s 2%. But I agree with you, I think there are more than that. Just look at how many women attend Slut Walk. I also agree that BPD women spread their culture to “normal” women. I have seen it, first hand. They are very effective influencers. My ex became a journalist so she could spread her lies.

  11. Zee said

    BPD ‘intimacy issues’ are really just scarring from untreated emotional trauma (most often sexual). Have empathy from a distance, and get the fuck out there.

    Everything else is beside the point. Specific details really don’t matter. If a BPD dumped you because they were ‘too close,’ they did you a favor. You dodged a bullet. Consider yourself lucky, accept the hurt, and move on.

    There are no ‘Yeah buts.’ It is what it is.

  12. Zee said

    Listen to Evanesce’s first album. The whole thing is a love letter from guitarist-songwriter Ben Moody to singer Amy Lee, who undoubtedly has some kind of personality disorder. The lyrics and the tone say it all. It’s basically about unrequited love with a borderline. Dark stuff.

    • savorydish said

      For some reason, she looks like she has Bpd. There is definitely an angst-ridden look. She has the same eyes as my ex.

      • Zee said

        There’s probably a reason why she’s had so much turnover in her band. Gee . . . wonder what that is.

        From a musician’s standpoint, I think their first album is amazing. Great pop/rock songwriting. From a ‘civilian’ standpoint, it sounds like a soundtrack for self-harming. That’s a mean thing to say, but come on . . . this album was HUGE with the 13-18 year old ‘my boyfriend left me and I’m so depressed’ club.


      • savorydish said

        You mean the club that follows Tiger Beatdown and Rookie?

  13. Zan said

    Have you seen this one? It deserves a post all its own:

  14. woldfkduk said

    When blood is raining down, it cuts a deep deep river
    And we’re diving, yeah, we’re diving

    Life a thousand days ago,
    Hours sinking in a hole
    Try to melt into the walls,
    Now I am here inside the bowl

    Here in the cold
    Where no one stands behind me

    Now a thousand days have gone
    Again, like the sun and moon at war
    And give or take a thousand more

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