That time my BPDex was a lesbian

March 20, 2012

My Borderline Ex has re-invented herself, yet again. This time she is no longer the angry feminist. No, this time, she has fashioned herself into a wedding expert. Yes, a wedding expert. Let me tell you how comical this is. This is the woman who married a man she met months after she ruined our relationship. Months.

She conveniently married him at the exact time that her work visa was expiring. But would she stoop so low as to marry someone just so she could stay in this country? Let’s just say, I wouldn’t put it past her and her questionable ways.

This would not be the first time she rushed into marriage. She was once engaged to, as she describes, a “bicycle-riding, women’s-studies-minor-ing, vegetarian babe”. She loved the image of being a hip, lesbian couple.

My ex recently recounted the story of that time she almost married another woman in a book about lesbian marriages. However, that story does not bear any resemblance to the story she told me. In the book, she tells a rather charming story of two young girls who stumbled into love. But, in reality, this was a case of a borderline predator locking her sights on an unsuspecting woman with co-dependent tendencies.

The other girl didn’t even know she was lesbian. But my ex was very good at convincing women they were lesbian. She targeted women who were vulnerable to suggestion. She surrounds herself with women who are easy to manipulate. She actually admitted to me once that she would sometimes pretend to be friends with someone just because she could.  My ex is really good at making friends, but terrible at keeping them. You see, my ex is not the feminist she pretends to be. She abuses women as well as men.

All the ways she abused me would be very familiar to her one-time lesbian fiancee. When she first told me of her ex, she made it sound like her ex was the one that was crazy. I actually found it odd that she described all her exes this way. She even described her parents as being crazy. And she would eventually call me crazy. It never occurred to me, at first, that she was actually the one who was crazy. But it did occur to me that she was very good at making people crazy.

According to my ex, her ex was prone to panic attacks and fits of jealousy. It never occurred to me, that my ex gave her plenty of reasons to be jealous. Her fiancee would often walk around a party to find my ex flirting with some rando guy. This drove her fiancee mad. So mad, her ex began punching pillows and herself to relieve her agony. It seems her ex had some borderline tendencies as well.

In time, her ex would pay her back. My ex’s mother stumbled upon my ex’s fiancee and my ex’s father kissing at one of their own parties. Confused? Yes, this story is very twisted, as most tales of borderline drama tend to be. Not quite the fairy-tale lesbian romance my ex had written for her audience.

That relationship failed for obvious reasons. But the way my ex tells the story, it sounded like they were never meant to be. She claims they were incompatible. But in fact, they were too much alike. Birds of a feather flock together. But two borderlines can not possibly stay together. Their relationship was too volatile. They were both too emotionally unstable.

That poor girl was a wreck after my ex was done with her. And why wouldn’t she be? She was played like a yo-yo. One minute, she was convinced that my ex was madly in love with her. The next minute, my ex pushed her away. This is the abusive mind game that untreated borderlines play.

But now my ex is on her second attempt at marriage. This time, she managed to show up to the ceremony. She needed to do that much to stay in the country. But will her marriage last? That remains to be seen. Her parents are still miraculously married, despite the infidelity and fighting. But just because two dysfunctional people stayed together, it doesn’t mean it ended happily ever after.

My ex has finally found someone who is willing to put up with the bullshit and go for the co-dependent ride. I was not. And that is why she shut me out of her life. But you will never hear this from the likes of Mina Jade and my borderline ex. Because they tell a very different story. A story based on fictional events and half truths. These borderline women became writers so they could re-write their shady past.

76 Responses to “That time my BPDex was a lesbian”

  1. Howie said


    Not that it even matters, just curious, what country does your BP ex hail from?

  2. Whitey said

    How long since you have had any contact with her? I like your blog and really feel for you.

    My ex abandoned our relationship around two years ago and I haven’t heard of her since, thank god! The unfortunate reality was she had my child about six months before departing. I was virtually used to create a baby and then conveniently blamed and smeared to her family. She then used the legal system fraudulently to break up with me.

    Would not be surprised if she re-invented herself as an alien..

    • savorydish said

      Thank you. It’s been a couple years. It doesn’t surprise me that your ex used you in that manner. They behave like Black Widows at times. They are sweet when they need you, but so brutal when they are done with you. The latter persona is most likely their true nature. From an evolutionary stand point, it makes me wonder if they are using men for their sperm. So many borderline women end up being single moms, because they want the children without the fear of abandonment. Children are more easily controlled than a partner. I fear for that child.

      • savorydish said

        Identity Disturbance – Identity disturbance is a psychological term used to describe a distorted or inconsistent self-view.

      • savorydish said

        Denial is a powerful force. A borderline in denial is a borderline who has zero chance of recovery. Women like my borderline ex have built careers out of denial. They have created elaborate lies and elaborate support systems of enablers. Enablers who enable the continuation of lies. This is why they have zero chance for recovery. This is why they will continue to drag people into their whirlwind of drama. This kind of borderline has no idea she is being abusive. But all you have to do is look at the trail of drama.

  3. savorydish said

    What do troubled women bring to their second date? A U-Haul.

    My ex uses marriage as a quick fix. She uses relationships to fill a void that can’t be filled. Rather than address deep deep psychological issues, she looks for quick fixes. Her relationships are a joke, because they are props she uses to hide the real problem.

    Women like her are desperate to find love. They fantasize that they will meet the One. And somehow their LOVE will soothe a lifetime’s worth of trauma. This is BP bullshit.

    Contrary to what Mina Jade believes. BPD can not be cured. It can only be managed. It certainly can not be managed alone, especially by someone who is handicapped by delusions. If the borderline fails to address her issues, she is doomed to jump from one failed relationship to another.

    • Howie said

      My ex has been looking for/waiting for/insisting on “the ONE” for years now. The thing is, “the ONE” never comes along because “the ONE” doesn’t really exist. No matter whom she has had a relationship with, even including someone who would qualify as “the One”, she always manages to find fault or imperfections in “the ONE” candidate and then proceeds with the devaluation and sabotaging of the relationship followed by the eventual and inevitable discarding.

      In my view, “the ONE” is BPD fantasy and bullshit. It’s a self-delusion as well as bait to lure victims into a relationship with an abuser.

      • Howie said

        There’s one exception though. At one point, she did actually have a relationship with “the ONE”, that being the drug abuser and alcoholic who verbally, emotionally and most likely physically abused her. He’s dead now from a drug overdose, but by her description, he was “larger than life” and he was “the ONE”. Everybody else says he was a low life, no-gooder and a shady piece of crap, but they’re not as sophisticated and enlightened as my HPD/BPD/NPD ex.

      • savorydish said

        Borderlines love low-lifes. This should give you some indication of the type of environment they grew up in.

        When they aren’t victimizing people with kind and generous hearts. They are getting a taste of their own medicine from people who are bigger assholes than they are.

      • savorydish said

        Yep. On paper, my ex’s lesbian fiancee should have been the perfect match, THE ONE. They were the same in every way. But that is exactly why her relationship failed.

        She has conveniently left out this part of the story. She’s too busy trying to earn street cred from her readership by flaunting her one-time lesbian love affair.

        If you doubt she was abusive to her. Just ask her ex. Ask her how messed up she was after a year of that relationship. I can imagine exactly what she must have gone through- push and pull mind games, lies, cheating, devaluation and constant drama. In short, abusive behavior. These were the patterns of behavior she had learned from her “dear ole parents”.

        And when borderlines are done re-writing the story of your love affair, they will portray you as the “crazy ex” and they are somehow portrayed as the damsel in distress. Abuse on top of abuse. Bullshit on top of bullshit.

        If you suspect that you are in a relationship with an untreated borderline, do not let them suck you into a committed relationship. And whatever you do, do not marry them. You are signing up for a lifetime of heartache.

  4. savorydish said

    Being flirtatious and hyper-sexual is not a crime. But it is highly fucked up to make someone feel like they are the ONE and then continue this kind of behavior. My ex always had excuses: “I was drunk” or “I’m fucked up”. These are not legitimate excuses. Pleading ignorance is abuse on top of abuse. There is no disclaimer that justifies abusive behavior.

    In my case, I brought her behavior to her attention and she still could not control her behavior. I’m sure her lesbian fiance experienced the same thing. I’m sure her current husband is going through the same hell. But then again, if they’re still married maybe he’s too deep in denial to see it.

    • Howie said

      After two months of flirtatious behavior and suggestive remarks, she sent me the following text:
      “X rated dream about you. I’m done waiting for Mr. Right. Just so you know.”

      I took that as a hint and the following day, the relationship commenced. She asked me why “I” had initiated a relationship when in reality she had been trying to institute one all along both overtly and covertly and all I did was finally take the bait. I cited the text she had sent the previous day. Then she sent a follow-up text: “Didn’t know I sent this…now it’s clearer..”

      She subsequently expanded on that notion and claimed it was a Freudian slip, then later claimed that she thought she had sent it to someone else. I asked her who, she wouldn’t tell me.

      Several days later I asked her again whom she had intended to actually send the text to and she said she couldn’t remember. I bet I could have got a different answer every time I asked the question because she never remembered the various answers she previously offered.

      When I got three different explanations, I stopped asking her why she sent the text message.

  5. savorydish said

    If you know you’re profoundly fucked up in the head, do not trick people into marrying you.

    You are knowingly subjecting people to undue emotional harm. Harm that has been documented by psychologists and confirmed by millions of people.The reason why you are so fucked up is probably due to the fact that you had borderline or bipolar parents. Let this be evidence of how much damage can be done.

    Marriage will not soothe your savage soul. Treatment is the ONLY hope.

  6. savorydish said

    There was a time that I would describe my borderline ex as a “bicycle-riding, women’s-studies-minor-ing, vegetarian babe”.

    But that was before I learned about BPD. BP women have their own culture. They share many things in common. They engage in all the same activities.They work really really hard to convince the world that this is a lifestyle choice, and a fabulous one at that.

    Cutting your wrists is not a lifestyle choice. Splitting the ones you love is not a choice. Triggered memories of rape and incest is not a choice. BPD is not a choice. Getting help is a choice.

    This “BPD culture” is a fabricated bubble. It is evidence of profound levels of self-delusion. Birds of a feather flock together to simulate normalcy. They conspire to convince the world that society is fucked up. Not them.

    They couldn’t possibly be the ones who are fucked up. Their family is perfect in every way. Their relationships failed because “it just wasn’t meant to be”. They believe these lies because they surround themselves with dysfunctional people who confirm their suspicions.

    This is their bubble, their culture. They have their own magazines. They have their own blogs. The bubble protects them from knowing the Truth. And those who would attempt to burst that bubble will be demonized and devaluated.

  7. Howie said

    At 2:30 an explanation is offered as to why BPD’s devalue their partners and sabotage their relationships and run to the arms of abusive low-lifes:

    • savorydish said

      Thanks for this.

      A lot of people don’t like the name “borderline personality disorder”. But I agree with the doc, it fits perfectly. They are definitely borderline psychotic. We have seen this behavior documented here, over and over again. Whenever there is a fear of abandonment or criticism, they fly into psychotic episodes and angry outbursts (see Mina Jade). My ex was very good at containing her outbursts, but this did not prevent her from acting out in some psychotic/abusive way. Nor did it prevent her from blaming me for her psychosis.

      Under these circumstances, they would have to be insane to rush into marriage. At the very least, it is unconscionable. But this is the cycle that repeats itself over and over again, leaving jaded loved ones in their wake. And then they wonder why blogs like this exist.

      • savorydish said

        Good luck getting the borderline to stop drinking. My ex was at her worst when she was drinking, but that was how she soothed her soul. Most would not recognize her as an alcoholic. But when you do horrible things after drinking, that is a sign of deep deep issues. That is the root of alcoholism. How can you give an accurate account of your relationship when half the time you were detached from reality?

        My ex is literally out of control, while all the people around her just sit idly by. A borderline always has accomplices. These are the people who are shocked when the borderline commits self-destructive acts. To any person with their head screwed on straight, the evidence is painfully obvious. But to those with similar borderline traits, denial and suppressing the evidence is a way of life.

        My ex’s family has the power to help my ex, but they don’t. My ex’s father use to be a counselor for troubled kids. Hard to believe, when you listen to all the horrible stories about him. My ex’s mom has issues of her own. Her marriage is a farce. She is in no position to help herself, let alone my ex. And her brother (aka Barry Buss) is too busy taking trips around the world. Escaping his family is only way he knows how to cope.

        She has a new family now. We’ll see if they do anything to help. But that is unlikely. Dysfunction seeks out dysfunction. Most likely her newly adopted family is just as clueless.

      • savorydish said

        So do you think my borderline ex told her new husband about her condition? Do you think he would have married her if he really knew the truth? Eventually the veil will fall off. And then the real bride will be revealed. By now the self-sabotaging mechanisms are kicking in. The abusive tendencies are permanently etched into her personality. Will she run away when he realizes what he’s gotten himself into? Old habits are hard to break. Once a runaway bride, always a runaway bride. It’s just a matter of time.

      • savorydish said

        If he’s smart, he’ll keep a close eye on his borderline bride.

  8. Howie said

    Well, if the main purpose of marrying him was to enable her to remain in the country, then he’s already served his purpose. Mission accomplished. Before long, it will be time to “move on” as BPD’s love to say. I wouldn’t be surprised if the devaluing and sabotaging hasn’t already begun.

    My question is, in this case as well as all BPD’s, is she knowingly and intentionally carrying out a plan or is she just doing what BD’s do, unaware of the fact that their abusive and manipulative behaviors always follow the same predictable pattern: idealize/devalue/discard?

    If she’s just “careening through life” leaving a trail of failed relationships and damaged victims in her wake but she doesn’t recognize the pattern because she doesn’t think there’s anything wrong with her, then that’s one thing. On the other hand, if she’s carrying out a premeditated plan of action, that’s something else altogether. The latter would be indicative of a sociopath/psychopath. So which is it?

    Can borderlines be psychopaths?

    • savorydish said

      She’s screwed up, but not screwed up enough to premeditate acts of evil. She uses people because she can’t relate to people on an intimate level. So they become objects to use and dispose of.

      I’m sure she fooled herself into believing that she finally found the One. But as you can see, she has a history of doing that. She wants so badly to have a soul mate. Someone who will fill the void left by her lost twin. But of course, no one can fill that void.

      She abandons loved ones, because she fears abandonment. That is the irony of her disease. Every borderline knows how painful abandonment can be, but they suppresses knowledge of the pain they have caused others. Eventually the guilt will catch up to her.

  9. Howie said

    Article discussing the notion that BPD’s can also be psychopaths:

    • savorydish said

      Well, it’s not quite so black and white. I think it’s more accurate to say they flirt with psychopathy, especially when intimacy and highly-charged emotions are involved. They are on the border. It would be easier to spot them if they were clear psychopaths. But borderlines are complex creatures. Even BPD specialists have trouble putting all of this in a neat package. BPD is messy, which makes it harder to understand. People like us “obsess” about the disorder because we struggle to understand what can not be understood.

      • Howie said

        “…we struggle to understand what can not be understood.” You got that right.

        One thing about psychopathy and sociopathy: While many professionals use the terms interchangably as though they’re just two different terms for the same condition, others make a distincition that psychopaths are high functioning and generally successful while sociopaths are low functioning and generally unsuccessful. Hence, by the latter reasoning, the prison population is populated primarily by sociopaths (the socially deprived and uneducated who got caught due to insufficient planning) whereas positions of power and influence in Washington D.C. for example contain a great many psychopaths.

        I don’t think all psychopaths are necessarily evil (mass murderers, serial killers, etc….) since many of us have psychopaths representing us in the houses of Congress and I doubt that many of them have committed heinous acts against others, at least on a personal basis. They’re just narcisstic, selfish and self-serving with humongous egos.

        Regardless of their field of endeavor, psychopaths are charming and alluring, be they siren borderlines, public office holders or seemingly genuine and convincing con artists.

      • savorydish said

        Interesting distinction between the haves and the have nots. I have run into both. The ones who are polished by education are better at the cover-up. For my ex, the cover-up means re-writing her past and re-inventing her future. For Mina Jade, it means posting more semi-nude photos of herself and rescuing kittens. But this is the image they have created for public consumption. This is false advertising. What you see is definitely not what you get.

  10. thewayofmyownheart said

    You described it all very well. I truly, TRULY can’t believe how a borderline craves your attention one day, then dumps you the next. Then they come back and act all sweet and nice, and they love you again, they smile and they laugh again because they like you. They love you SO SO much again, you start believing that everything is going to be OK this time. The past is the past, you start all over again, because nothing is going to go wrong this time. But then history repeats itself and BAM! They shut you out. They cut you off and you never know if they are going to come back again. Maybe this time they cut you off for the rest of your life, way past forever. So you promise yourself you are not going to let them in this time, you promise yourself you are not going to forget about the pain they caused you, because you know you have to remember it, just so you can protect yourself. And you promise yourself that this time, you are going to stay away from them. But then they come back and they seem so sweet and something inside you tells you that they deserve another chance. Something inside you tells you that this time nothing is going to go wrong, yet if you really listen to the quiet voice of your heart, you KNOW that it is wrong to let them back into your life again. But hey, who cares, right? The only voice you listen to is the bpd’s voice calling you in again.

    I truly, TRULY don’t understand this disorder from the pit of hell.

  11. Howie said


    I think BPD’s are like chocolate, they come in various flavors. You can get milk chocolate, dark chocolate, german chocolate, white chocolate, chocolate chocolate chip, etc…

    In Homer’s Odyssey, you’ll find the account of Circe as well as the sirens which constitute two different flavors. It would seem to me that what you’re describing in your post is a siren borderline as opposed to the controlling type such as Circe or the helpless, needy type such as the “damsel in distress” predator or waif.

    With that said, I think all BPD’s are like shape shifters or chameleons. They can take on the personage or presentation that best appeals to the prospective victim they’re actively baiting into a relationship.

  12. savorydish said

    A recent Facebook post from Mina Jade:
    I am afraid my best friends abandon me. Probably I should not have clung to them from the get go – I was not a proper friend to them, I should have known better. They were smart and successful, while I was an extremely unhappy, annoying person. It is an unlikely friendship in the first place.

    • Howie said

      The first sentence concerning abandonment seems indicative of the self-fulfilling prophecy that haunts BPD’s.

      The remainder of the post would indicate that perhaps at least occasionally, she’s capable of objectivity and self-reflection. Quite a candid observation for someone with BPD.

      • savorydish said

        The last line provides some insight into why they might abandon people. Unlikely friends and lovers make them feel inadequate. And how long can one feel inadequate? Sooner or later, it is just easier for them to nuke the relationship.

      • Howie said

        Good point. I hadn’t looked that closely at the last sentence but your observation makes perfect sense. The last sentence connects with the first sentence, constituting the full circle and pointing out typical BPD behavior; abandoning others due to the fear of abandonment, hence, the self-fulfilling prophecy.

    • Zee said

      Borderlines know EXACTLY what they do. Don’t be fooled for a second by the ‘I can’t help it’ routine – even in the ones who DO acknowledge they’re borderline.

      Even a complete psychopath is capable of occasional insight. That doesn’t mean anything. What counts are ACTIONS.

      • savorydish said

        Very true, Zee. My ex would often show signs of insight to give me false hope of recovery. But weeks later, she would slip back into her abusive ways. Inconsistency is a byproduct of an unstable personality.

  13. Howie said

    Actually, I’m not so sure they know exactly what they do. I’m not even convinced that they’re cognizant of the same predictable pattern of behaviors they engage in every time they begin a new relationship, i.e., idealization, devaluation and discarding. I think their pretty clueless because even though their extremely self-centered and self-absorbed, they don’t possess the capability to engage in self-reflection. Women with BPD, HPD and NPD always find fault with their partners/victims and never take responsibility for their own actions.

    • Howie said

      Additionally, I think people with personality disorders are often times pathological liars. Lying is a defensive mechanism that enables them to protect their own fragile ego and sense of self. The thing about pathological liars is that they believe their own lies, hence, the first person to be deceived is the pathological liar herself.

      Therefore, it’s extremely easy for them to construct fabrications in their own minds which justify themselves and villify their victims, so there’s never anything to even consider when it comes to taking accountability for their abusive behaviors and deceptions.

      PD women are perpetually faultless and professional victims. They’ll abuse you till your nothing more than a doormat, then discard you and have everyone believe that you’re the abuser and their the victim. And they genuinely believe it too.

      • savorydish said

        Yep. The best liars in the world are liars who believe the lie is true. The word “lying” suggests some cognitive awareness that they are not telling the truth. But we must remember that people who have survived life-long abuse (especially those who have been traumatized by sexual abuse) are in and out of delusional states. Being delusional helped them survive, but it also makes them difficult to deal with.

        My ex may actually believe that she was raped in college, but this may very well be a triggered memory from her childhood. In her mind, she IS a victim and always will be.

        This almost always leads to false-accusations and people thrown under the bus who don’t deserve to be. The danger is real and well-documented. This is why we must continue to spread awareness. We must counter the lies with truth and facts. We must cut through the bullshit and the histrionics with reason.

    • savorydish said

      I agree. Being abnormally self-absorbed/self-centered makes it extremely hard for them to have any self-awareness. The times my ex had self-awareness was after I had pointed out her dysfunctional behavior. So it makes you wonder if she was just faking it to keep me around. There are no certainties with this disorder. And you can bend yourself into a pretzel trying to figure it all out.

      You bring up another important point. A borderline running away is the least of your worries. Because they will tear you down and leave you in a horrible state, before they make a get away. There is a reason why BPD forums are filled with disgruntled ex-lovers. The damage they do is real (despite all the dismissive comments by angry borderlines). It is confirmed by psychologists and specialists. And it is denied by the shady likes of Mina Jade. They demonize us to discredit us and to make it seem like we are the sinister ones. This is also well-documented.

      Mina Jade can post as many lies as she wants on Facebook. But the truth (ie. scientific fact) is out there. She is in denial. And she is actively baiting her next victim (see semi-nude photos and the “save the cats” act).

      Like you said, we can point out all these well-documented BP behaviors and she will continue proving us right. Because no amount of story telling can change a disorder that has been with her since childhood. The problem is women like Mina Jade and my borderline ex engage in a non-stop song and dance act when they should be in a therapist’s office.

      • savorydish said

        It is important to note that many borderlines were born out of abandonment, abuse and neglect. For others (like my ex) there may have been a traumatic event like the loss of a twin at birth. Poverty and alcoholism can also be a factor. The more traumatic the experience, the more severe the disorder.

        Not all borderlines are created equal. Mina Jade claims her childhood was nothing but sunshine and rainbows. But the severity of her disorder tells us a very different story. Somewhere in her life there was a profound level of trauma.

        This childhood trauma does not fade away as Mina Jade would have us believe. Intense therapy and medication is the only known way to curb the effects of BPD. But even then, it does not guarantee recovery. Untreated BPD is like a live wire that threatens harm to anyone who comes near. Trauma left untreated is passed onto unsuspecting loved ones.

        There is a reason why many ex-lovers feel abandoned by borderlines. This is not a random act. The borderline is passing on feelings of abandonment to their loved ones. If you take anything away from this post, take away the fact that borderlines do not keep their disorder to themselves. Untreated borderlines are conditioned to spread their disease. This is the cycle that must be broken.

      • Howie said

        I certainly felt abandoned by my borderline. While I hate to admit it, I miss her. She could be extremely charming and fun.

        It’s weird how the part we miss the most is actually a component of the abuse and manipulation, that being the idealization phase with all the flirtations, suggestive remarks, alluring gestures, seductive behaviors, etc… That’s what gets us hooked and that’s what we miss the most and always want to get back to.

        But it’s over now.
        That ship has sailed.
        Ke serra, serra.

      • savorydish said

        That is totally understandable. Borderline women are very good at seduction, but suck at relationships. The idealization feels like Cloud 9. The addiction is real. It is a genuine bio-chemical reaction. This is not just partners of BPs being melodramatic. One does not just “let go” of addiction.

        When the borderline detaches suddenly and for no good reason, it creates a huge vacuum. That is why it feels like someone is sucking the wind out of you. These are the same withdrawal symptoms experienced by recovering drug addicts.

        You hang on because you hang on to the hope that you can go back to the way it was. But a relationship with an untreated borderline is always fleeting. You will never experience that high with that person again. That is why so many people end up finding another borderline partner. They are trying to recapture that feeling. Recovery for us means breaking the addiction to that high.

      • savorydish said

        The speed at which these relationships progress is significant. Before you know it, you are sucked into a full-blown relationship with the feelings that usually come after years of a normal relationship. That is also why it feels so devastating. A borderline relationship that only lasted a year feels like it was much longer.

        The only reason I didn’t marry my ex, was because I had enough sense to put on the brakes. But that is ultimately why she kicked me out of her life. She could not have me the way she wanted, so it was safer to kick me out.

        Like you, I was devastated because I kept thinking about the good times. I blocked out the craziness. I was so addicted I was willing to ignore the off-the-chart madness. That’s where this blog helped me tremendously. Because it has served as a constant reminder why I am better without her. I no longer pine for her, because I remind myself daily what a nutbag she was. This is not an obsession. This is the process of re-conditioning myself.

  14. Howie said

    My most recent relationship was with a HPD/BPD/NPD hybrid woman. She’s beautiful. While the relationship only lasted some four months, it was only “active” for three months because she withdrew from me emotionally the final month and wouldn’t speak to me except to occasionally devalue me. Those three months though were so exciting and so much fun.

    Prior, I had been married to a woman whom I suspect of having BPD & NPD. While I was dating her, she would make statements like, “by this time next year, I’m going to be married, whether it’s to you or somebody else.” I was coerced and manipulated into marrying her. Three years into the marriage, she got drunk, took a swing at me and screamed that she hated me, on the evening of our third wedding anniversary no less after I’d taken her out on the town for a nice dinner and cocktails. Before she left me, she decided that I would be going to work in a factory and handing over my earnings to her to manage and control. I told her I didn’t want to work in a factory and that I wouldn’t be happy doing that. Her reply was, “the only thing that matters in this marriage is that I get what I want.”

  15. savorydish said

    So, what makes a runaway bride run away? A runaway bride often complains of feeling suffocated by relationships. And then she devalues her partner to justify those feelings.

    A runaway bride associates intimacy with abandonment and sometimes worse things. They can’t help it when they feel trapped.

    Their feelings of abandonment become so intense, they must turn off their feelings in order to cope. This leads to boredom and that leads to typical thrill-seeking and attention-seeking behavior that we associate with borderline types.

    This is the “push” part of the push-pull cycle. Nothing hurts more than being hurt by someone you once loved and trusted. There is nothing more abusive than softening a person up and then smashing that person’s heart into pieces.

    It is cruel and insidious, but the runaway bride will continue to do this to innocent people over and over again. They will runaway again and again. They will fool themselves into believing that they just haven’t met the right one. But they will fail to see that their relationships will never be right until they are right… in the head.

  16. Is it normal for a borderline to focus on themselves all the time?
    Like the borderline I know always seems to talk about herself and never really asked me how I am doing? I can count on one hand how often she asked me, and I can’t even count how often I asked her. She did ask the ‘how are you’ question in the early stages.
    After that she always seemed to focus on herself.

    I could tell her that I’m sick and that I have to go to the hospital and she’d say, ‘that sucks’.

    Yet when something trivial happens to her, it would depress her and it’s as if she needed me to be empathetic. Is that typical bpd behavior?

    It always felt as if she wasn’t really interested in me. She did seem to care in the beginning, but later she seemed sooo indifferent towards me, whereas she’d share HER stories ALL the time.
    Thinking about it, I SERIOUSLY doubt she cared about me.

    We weren’t in a relationship or anything. Just veeeeeeery very very very very VERY close friends. It felt as if we were soulmates. But now… when I look back on this, I doubt we were soulmates, it’s as if she never cared about me.

  17. savorydish said

    Being self-centered is absolutely something you will see in a raging borderline. They are in so much internal pain, it is impossible to think about anyone else.

    Their only mission in life is to avoid abandonment. The only way they can prevent abandonment is to constantly seek approval and attention.

    Any notion that you were soulmates was an illusion created by the borderline to make sure you would not be the first to abandon them.

    • You know, it almost hurts reading all of this. Knowing that what you thought you had together wasn’t real, or wasn’t right or healthy. I know I’m better off now… but still. Just when I think she’s not going to contact me anymore…BAM! She’s back. Thanks guys.

      • Howie said


        I know it’s usually a painful experience for the BPD’s partner but it’s a pattern of behavior BPD’s repeat throughout life. You had nothing to do with it. You could have been anybody and the same thing would have happened.There were many before you and there’ll be many more after you. BPD’s do what BPD’s do, over and over their entire lives. Due to their own behavior they rack up failed relationships like adolescent boys collect baseball cards.

      • savorydish said

        We can be comforted to know that we are not alone. We have to remind ourselves that there was nothing we could do to change the outcome. The borderline was damaged long before we came into their lives. We are powerless to help someone who is so profoundly troubled. And we can only cause harm to ourselves if we try to help someone who will betray us despite all the good things we did for that person.

      • savorydish said

        Finding love with an untreated borderline is like finding water in the desert. What you thought was real was merely a mirage.

      • Howie said

        “Finding love with an untreated borderline is like finding water in the desert. What you thought was real was merely a mirage.”

        Truer words have never been spoken. Thank you for that.

      • savorydish said

        Thanks Howie. I tend to agree that BPD is not curable. Just like alcohol/drug addiction is not curable. But treatment does help people. There is enough evidence to suggest that DBT has helped people get better. These people will always have BPD, but there is hope. And I would hate to discourage those who are making the effort to get better.

      • savorydish said

        You’re welcome Voice,
        We feel your pain. This blog wouldn’t be here if the pain wasn’t real. Never forget that pain. Especially, the next time she contacts you. Because she will hurt you again and again without fail. She will hurt you until you say enough is enough. Good luck and be well.

    • Zee said

      Remember: the Bordeline lives in the worst kind of irony: she’s terrified of abandonment, and yet everything she does causes people to abandon her. Even five years of this will push an untreated Borderline into ‘She’ll never get better’ territory. That’s why so many mental health professionals won’t treat Borderlines” generally, they don’t get better.

      • Howie said

        It’s theorized that personality disorders are incurable and that no amount of medication or therapy or other forms of treatment make any difference, hence the phrase, “Psychiatrists, psychologists and therapists don’t treat personality disorders. They only treat their victims”.

  18. So that’s the reason why she stills contacts me every now and then? Every now and then she shares these random thoughts with me… she does it To make sure I didn’t abandon her??? Wow.

    • savorydish said

      Well, it’s a little more complicated once the borderline has already left the relationship. A borderline is juggling the fear of abandonment with the fear of being alone. She is dangling you along until she can find a replacement. She is using you as a stop-gap solution. Do not take the bait. This is not the borderline coming around. This is the borderline playing with your emotions until something better comes along. And by better, I mean someone who is more co-dependent than you were.

    • Zee said

      She’s an emotional vampire and she calls you because she needs to feed. She lives off of the emotional energy your reactions create. Good reactions or bad reactions; doesn’t matter. For all their drama and their bluster, Borderlines are essentially empty on an emotional level.When she contacts you, that’s her way of plugging her I.V. into your arm.

      Don’t make it any more complicated than that. Don’t donate any more of your energy to ‘figuring her out.’ She doesn’t care about you. You’re a warm body to feed off of, that’s all. And for God’s sake, NEVER show any empathy toward her. She will read that as a sign that it’s OK to feed off of you. Borderlines are incapable of empathy themselves, so don’t waste your empathy on them.

      As far as what happened to her in her past or ‘why’ she became borderline; THAT SHIT ISN’T YOUR FAULT. YOU HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH IT. Go live your life with people who have the capacity to care about you.

      Good luck man. Cut her off for good. FOREVER.

      • savorydish said

        In vampire legend, people who are bitten repeatedly become more and more like the vampires that feed off them. The borderline is living proof of what happens to you when you expose yourself to a lifetime’s worth of this abusive behavior. Not only do you need to break it off with your borderline ex, you need to make sure another one doesn’t take her place.

  19. Howie said


    She may be contacting you now and then to simply keep you around and on call. BPD’s often have two or three relationships going on at once, one with the present guy, one with the last guy and one with the guy on deck. Or she may be attemptin to hoover you. If she finds herself alone because she’s discarded the present guy and the guy on deck doesn’t step up to the plate, she may turn the hoovering on full blast with you.

    Your observation is typical BPD behavior. They’re totally self-centered and self-absorbed. Mine had zero interest in me, my health, what I was doing or anything else. But as soon as the subject turned to her or what she wanted, she’d perk up and lend her undivided attention. As she said so many times, “It’s all about me”.

  20. To make sure I stay out I am going to read what y’all said every now and then. I need to remember what this is and why she contacts me. Cheers guys. It helps to know I am not alone.

  21. savorydish said

    Imagine what it’s like to have someone propose marriage to you and then, weeks later, claim that you are suffocating them.

    Weeks before, they couldn’t get enough of you, calling you night and day, pushing you to move in with them, etc. Then weeks later, they tell you to “move the fuck on”.

    This is what people mean when they say borderlines are “crazy-making”. This is not an exaggeration. This is behavior observed and documented by psychologists.

    Borderlines have the actual ability to make other people go crazy. Just ask the borderline themselves. Most likely they had parents who were bi-polar or BP.

    If anybody else engaged in this type of behavior they’d be labeled an asshole. But borderlines can’t help being assholes. They are victims of their disease. Always the victim, never the asshole. Now you know why they live with so much shame.

  22. savorydish said

    When a borderline runs away from intimacy, they never say things like “it’s not you, it’s me”. It’s never them. It’s always you.

    They lack self-awareness, especially when they are on the run. Their basic fears of intimacy have been triggered and they are now in flight mode. Which means their primitive instincts are in control. The only two choices are fight or flight. If you stand in their way of the exit, they will claw your face.

    Maybe they’ll feed you some bullshit line about not being compatible to lessen the guilt of breaking your heart. But you can be sure they are talking shit about you when you’re not around. Trust me.

    The process of devaluation is a borderline classic. Regardless of how many times they told you that you were the One, devaluation (shit-talking) and antagonizing of the ex (hostility) is all part of the borderline detachment process. Learn these tactics well before you consider staying with a borderline. If you see any of these behaviors, push eject immediately.

    You will find it odd that the borderline becomes hostile every time things seem to be going well. Or they have this urge to sabotage the relationship when you become more intimate.

    These are signs that your lover may be a borderline. This person has deep-seated fears of intimacy. In this case, love does not conquer all. In fact, it makes it worse. Being kind and caring to a borderline triggers their fears of rejection/abandonment.

    This is the topsy-turvy world of BPD.

    • savorydish said

      Go ahead, point out the fact that the borderline is not well. See how quickly things fall apart. Once insecurities settle in, the domino effect will begin. If you suggest she is crazy then you can bet she will tell everyone that you are the one that’s crazy.

  23. Zee said

    “Just like alcohol/drug addiction is not curable.”

    I’m sober 18 years, and am completely recovered from the obsession for alcohol. My recovery depends upon daily maintenance of my spiritual condition. This means that on a daily basis, I have work to do. Part of that work is ruthless self-honesty and helping other alcoholics with no thought of reward.

    Apart form this, AA is FILLED with personality disordered individuals. I would say that in my 18 years of sobriety, I’ve discovered that at least 50% of the women in AA exhibit Cluster B symptoms. These symptoms make it extremely difficult for such women to be honest with themselves. They may stop drinking, but they stay crazy – FOREVER.

    A classic AA couple is the Borderline Woman /Narcissist Male. Go to any AA meeting in any major city, and you’ll see at least one couple like this.

    • savorydish said

      Thanks for the insight Zee. Your hard work is inspiring to anybody who is striving to change.

      • Zee said

        Thank YOU, man. Your courage and insight have helped me a great deal.

        Part of AA, and part of dealing with my BPD experience, is dealing with resentments so that they don’t eat away at me and cause me to make stupid decisions. One such stupid decision I made was hooking up with a BPD in the first place.

        And guess where I met her . . . YOU GOT IT!! At an AA meeting 😉

        For me, finding out the facts, and what my part in the whole situation was, helped me get over my anger and resentment. I still feel it from time to time, but it’s only temporarily. Mostly, I feel angry at myself for VOLUNTEERING to be hoodwinked. Believe me, she was CRAZY up front; nothing subtle about her. Makes you wonder what kind of condition I was in when I met her, right? That’s part of dealing with the ugly truth. Looking at myself in the mirror and admitting that I was no great shakes in the relationship department either. I have lots of help discovering these truths because I surround myself with people who have the decency and the balls to be honest with me.

      • savorydish said

        I’m glad this is helping someone else other than me. And I can relate to the shame that comes with volunteering for the craziness. Surrounding oneself with decent and honest people is key. I think that is why my ex is so screwed up. She consistently surrounds herself with people who support the bullshit.

  24. kenancross said

    So let me get this right…your ex used to be a lesbian, almost married one then quickly turned around and married a man? You mean she faked her way through being a lesbian, but secretly still messed around with men?

    My ex, whom I have kids with is claiming to be lesbian too but will initiate sex with me while we have been living together still. I have a suspicion that she isn’t really lesbian but just running away from our relationship and her responsibility as a mom. This is one of very few stories I’ve found that backs up my feelings.

    • savorydish said

      I don’t think my ex faked it. Whatever happened to her as child left her both sexually-confused and sexually impulsive.That almost always spells sexual abuse. This also creates poor boundaries and arrested development which would explain running away from responsibilities and relationships.

      • kenancross said

        Hmm. Interesting. She hasn’t revealed any trauma sexually as a kid, but did say she was exposed to it at a very young age. Might be the hypersexuality started young and made her become very promiscuous. (which she always has been since I met her in HS)

        I’m afraid I haven’t really done a good job of protecting myself from the pain she has caused me. I still have some very strong feelings for her and our impending seperation I know is in the best interest of both of us. I just have this feeling that she’ll come back again and repeat the cycle sometime down the line. She swears she’ll be getting help this time, but I’ve heard that before. I guess I don’t have any choice but to wait and see what her actions are. In the meantime I need to work on myself.

        Would it be wrong to want her to come home if she was truly working on herself and trying to make amends? (Long shot, I know)

      • savorydish said

        There’s nothing wrong with it. But you are right to be skeptical. Most borderlines don’t have the stomach for treatment. It takes years of treatment to get a handle on the disorder. The question is this- Is she worth the 7 year roller-coaster ride? There are plenty of healthy women out there, why do we insist on living with someone who can’t give us the kind of love we need to be whole?

  25. Rose said

    Great post. Similarly, I found myself questioning if my ex was emotionally disturbed when she described a former partner as crazy and abusive. At the time I hadn’t put together all the pieces of the puzzle. It was just an intuitive flash that I felt really guilty about. Fortunately, the guilt did not last long and I had enough self respect to trust my instincts.

    One thing that has helped a lot so far in the month since our break-up is knowing how skilled BPDs are at charming and fooling skilled mental health professionals. I find this so valuable because in the lifting emotional fog after she left I felt a lot of shame and blame for being in that relationship.

    This is such a good blog I really appreciate it because so many other sites subtly shift blame by encouraging nons to try another technique to save a relationship that is more odten than not psychologically damaging.

    It was also spooky and comforting to know your ex was also in Canada.

    • savorydish said

      Thanks, Rose. Yes, it seems Canada is a hot bed of BPD activity. Lol. But I have found borderlines in the US as well, from LA, SF to NY. Lots of them run away from small towns or bad neighborhoods and ensconce themselves in liberally-minded communities. It makes sense if you think about it. They are looking for like-minded people. But in reality, they surround themselves with other troubled souls.

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